I find it extremely important to apologize to my kids. When I’m in the wrong I’m in the wrong. I was raised with parents who do not ever apologize and I once said it to my mother and she dismissed my feelings by ridicule it.
My Dad is like that with me especially, he never takes accountability when he is in the wrong and always finds a way to shift all the blame onto me. He never listens to my side of the story and the only thing that's important to him is his voice being heard and his feelings. I have finally decided that having a close and healthy relationship with him is not possible and he will likely never change. Like she said, a healthy relationship has respect and there is a clear lack of respect towards me from my Dad...Then he wonders why he has the issues he does with me.
Yes! I have a 4 year old and 2 year old and it's so sad that people don't see children as humans with feelings. I look at their little faces and eyes and can just see how much they want to express and relate to us parents or other adults.
Fr this looks so obvious and still so many people forget about it. They would never yell to an adult but they totally do it with kids. They're power tripping now that they're the ones with "authority"
I remember like yesterday having this conversation with my Mom as an 8yo and she told me, to the face, with the meanest confidence I’ve ever encountered: “I will NEVER apologise. Be grateful that you eat and sleep and don’t expect anything more”. I have grieved this woman everyday of my adult Life and she is alive.
That’s so tough. I’m really sorry that your mom acted that way, and I’m especially sorry that she acted that way when you were 8. Nobody deserves that.
this is horrible I am sorry for that , but I can see why some one will act like your parent did if they were raised poor and their parents weren't even providing them with basic necessities they may turn on to be very materialistic
When I was younger both my parents and my older sibling never apologized when I try to express how their actions made me feel. They would get defensive and deflected it back at me saying I was over sensitive. I recently became aware that I had a history of seeking toxic relationships and friendships or I'd sabotage healthy relationships to mirror that same toxic dynamic
Yes?! Why!!! I actually used to BE that older sibling (because one of my parents were/are like that with me), and then I came across gentle parenting….totally changed my relationship with my younger siblings…but not with my parent & not with myself (I extend grace, humility, etc. towards my hubby, my siblings, etc., but not myself…does that make sense? And regarding the “it didn’t change anything with my parent”, that’s because I’ll occasionally share something that’s low key enough for me to feel safe sharing, but straightforward enough for them to understand the point and…usually get defensive about it & drop it. 🤦♀️🥺)…I hope your family has grown!! ❤❤❤
@@JoyfilliedYes. What you are saying makes total sense. It's damaging enough when others criticize us for feeling hurt due to their toxic dysfunctional behavior, but when we naively internalize that message and learn to criticize ourselves, it's next level f*ckedupness. Be kind to your inner child, and learn to create healthy boundaries. It sounds like you have already!
Exactly…and it’s generational, too (maybe mine isn’t, but who knows). I never actually said I internalized any messages, but it’s true…and now it’s my inner voice. I’m hyper aware of a lot of things, but I either don’t know how to grow from it (in terms of treating myself consistently better, setting boundaries with everyone, etc.), or I do, but I still don’t…like I intellectually understand, but not in a way I can practically implement it. Does that make sense? And I just triggered myself a couple days ago & have been making “aha!” connections since then…like how sometimes something as simple as a headache or a nap can be mental health/trauma related, or how something I thought I finally felt okay with hit me like a ton of bricks, etc…or how me not really acknowledging my inner child (because it’s such a foreign concept and sounds utterly strange) tends to let oooold memories fester in the body & mind…so…I haven’t really learned boundaries (especially with the people I need to set them with most) or consistent kindness towards myself (mentally/emotionally or physically), but…I’m slowly recognizing that I somehow grew through all the knowledge I acquired (which is exactly why I’m interested in this sort of thing - to be a secure/safe wife & mom for my family, as well as daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend, etc. & to help anyone who needs it)…❤ Anyways…thank you for the encouragement & validation (without leaning into pity party - we need to grow, not remain stagnant in this mire & muck)! ❤
@brendamyc3173 Perhaps, or they're not secure enough in themselves to extend authentic apologies. They're in defensive/defiant mode. People who have a healthy view of themselves as being inherently worthy acknowledge their imperfections and strive to grow, and they like themselves. They don't need to put up a false front of perfection (or whatever their false front is about) and are secure enough to readily offer sincere apologies. They know that apologizing doesn't rob them of their inherent personal worth or make them weak.
My parents taught me at an early age it's ok for adults to admit they're wrong to children. I once explained to a crying toddler after I messed up on something that resulted in her getting confused (I mixed up her snacktime plate with another kid's snacktime plate, so I had to stop her from eating off the wrong plate) that I was the one who made the mistake, not her, and she instantly stopped crying.
That’s strange but kids don’t know wtf is going on. That kid just thought you gave her snacks away. That would trip me out too. What is this lady DOING?!? 😂
That's fantastic your parents taught you that!! My mother was "never wrong" so she had no reason to apologize...in her mind. I apologized to my daughter; I wasn't and am not perfect. Kids need to see that being an adult doesn't mean you're perfect, just human like them ❤
@@FloydFloyd-ot5eo Kids know what the hell is going on around them even if they don't have words to express it. Stop acting like they are mindless meat blobs because they can't give a TedTalk
Make sure not to take it to the other extreme where you're apologizing for everything. Be mindful of your position and your kid's reactions. Apologizing for everything can turn you into a door mat. Like trying to apologize for situations that are not your doing. For example, I'm sorry it's raining. If you can't control the situation don't apologize for it. Or apologizing for having to tell you're kids no. I'm sorry we can't go right now. Instead give a reason and drop the apology. We can't go now, because I have work to do, but we can plan for this Saturday instead. Give an alternative thing to do instead of apologizing.
Same with my own mother. She absolutely denies saying or doing much of it. I believe that she really doesn't remember because she wasn't thinking but acting out of anger...and the memory is far less prominent when you weren't the person who was hurt. It's great to hear that you're breaking this cycle, I would make an effort to, myself, if I had children.
From personal experience, the lack of desire to apologize and getting defensive instead is as a result of growing up being put down and shamed for every little thing, so when someone genuinely wants you to take accountability it feels exactly the same as an attack. Basically, because they were shamed and belittled and ridiculed for every little thing they did, the struggle to take accountability partially due to the fact that they can't tell the difference between a small genuine mistake that's easy to brush off and things that genuinely need an apology, so they freak out when you genuinely need an apology from them because in their minds they subconsciously see it the same as their parents screaming at them for spilling their drink when there were three. When this goes untreated, it leads to narcissism
Hey, i agree with this too. Been there. Abusive relationships can do it too.... Started with my Dad being like this and extended to a bf being like this to me, but FAR worse than my dad, for 6 years. I was in a total warzone. Constantly being yelled at, names, it got physical. Thats why i try to be a lot more forgiving and try not to micro manage the littles - even though the reason being is, i want whats best for them and i want them to be successful . You really hit the nail on the head here! Its definitely worth a highlight on the subject. Because, its true - not everyone who fears "accountability" is a monster. Often times, these people are victims of abuse and abandonment themselves, or were raised by perfectionists or were taught its weak to be wrong, or faced wrongful or extreme court convictions, strict cultural / religious expectations, etc. Its hard to "be wrong" when you were taught that being less than perfect meant you didnt deserve to be loved, and that any mistakes you made were a good reason to abandon you (and the kids). Or that you making a mistake meant that whatever someone else did in retaliation was also your fault. Its genuinely interesting though, how we react to each others bs and one thing leads to the next, huh? 😊
I just had another thought... Having people in your life who NEVER let shit go either. They just never really forgive you, and remind you later on repeatedly, so you are so afraid to do anything wrong because it will be held over your head and chizeled on your tombstone when you die. "Yeah, you spilled that milk when you were 3 and i had to clean it up, and then i was running late and missed mailing out that bill at the post office. We got a late fine. Most expensive milk on earth. Ha ha ha." And youve heard this story for 35 years. 😅
My mother hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. She never apologized once for any hurtful thing that she did to me. At 12 years old, I cried and asked her if she even loved me. Her response was filled with hatred and sarcasm. She ridiculed me for being hurt. I am 55 now. I can still remember that moment as if it was yesterday. It burned into my soul.
I had that with my dad. I'm 54. I so understand the hurt, betrayal, fear, confusion, loneliness you felt and not just by your mom. I think back to my little self and ask where were all the adults? No one stopped him. No one protected me (or my mom). We were all damaged and through therapy I really hope I'm healing generations of harm and pain. Sending hugs.
I empathize deeply. It seems the controlling bully types don’t like to admit they were wrong or apologize. It’s so hard to come to grips with what happened to my little innocent self and how it has affected my body and soul years later. But I know healing is possible, for all of us. 🙏🏼
The mother in this video is my mother. The man she is married to is not abusive, but she runs over him frequently and I watch him cringe or just emotionally retreat. It makes me sad for both of them. I never want to be that way again. I was. I was the punching bag and took it out on someone else. So much conscientiousness on my part to change that. So much more work to do.
Same, I thought movies lied about kids with abusive parents becoming abusers because more than anything I wanted to be better than my mom and I was determined to be a good parent when I grew up. I still very much want that, but I didn't realise how hard it would be. My subconscious default is to act like her, and I'll probably spend the next few decades fighting it until I get used to healthier relationships
My wife is very much like this. When we have a disagreement on something, she is right, she knows she's right, and if I'm trying to say anything else she'll just have to raise her voice at me to prove she's right. When I try to tell her how I feel about being yelled at I'm shut down and talked over and told I should know by now she doesn't mean it and doesn't even realize she does it, when I stay silent because I know she'll just use what I say against me or cut me off she feels abused, and when I can't keep something down and start screaming at her to get my point across over her yelling at me she turns on victim mode and starts crying demanding apologies and reasons why I'm in the state I'm in and not accepting any answers other than what she wants to hear. Which in nearly every case is for me to admit I'm an abusive asshole. She tells me she's dated nothing but abusers in the past, her entire family save a few sisters is nothing but abusers, and she thought I was different because I use to show patience and empathy when dealing with her, how I currently treat her outside of the screaming matches, and how even when I'm mad at her I try to help her out and do things for her she can't do herself. But she constantly asks why out of everyone I know and the past relationships I've had am I only like I am to her.
@@Ark-ys2up this can go in 2 directions, overcorrect or deny and repeat. You chose 1, he chose the other. Healthy is in the middle - don't apologize when it has Nothing to do with you, but be fully responsible when it does.
I'd have gotten knocked out half way through that speech. Girl out here saying what truly needs to be said. Major props. Thank you so much for this. I know it's healing to a lot of people to hear this.
This hit home so hard and I have family STILL like this and I’m way too old for it, it’s resulted in me excessively apologizing for any and everything. Don’t be your kid’s first bully.
"Don't be your kids first bully" You put that perfectly; thanks so much! That is exactly what abusive parents are. You just blew my mind! We don't usually love our bullies!
People who do not apologize nor respect others feelings will rarely change...the message from your video that strikes me, is for us, that do want to be accountable for our actions, understand there are people out that will never change and it's not us who are the problem...we need to quickly identify who those people are as the child did in the video and let it go, they are the problem.
SO true, I was able to repair a relationship with someone like this not because I changed them, but because I set helpful boundaries (which took a lot of time and practice) to preserve my own well being and the connection between us.
@@Jeannek4493 I'm battling letting go of my parents, because I can't see the point of maintaining such a relationship (if all it ever does is to remind me of my shitty childhood and tacitly reinforce my maladaptive patterns). Please advice. I'm 33 and I guess my parents will have another 10-20 years left to live.
@@TheDavveponken I'm in the same boat as an older Millenial with abusive parents in their 70s and 80s. Not sure how many years either of them have left, and I really want to do right by my son. I went through so much hell during the pandemic that I literally needed to get away from everyone I knew and started talking to mental health professionals. I've been getting treatment for my mental health issues for the last two years and I don't want my son to grow up hating me or us being estranged due to the effects of my lifelong trauma & mental illness.
I had this exact conversation with my mom yesterday. She did not take it well. At first she gave reasons for her behavior rather than acknowledging my feelings, then she denied that the things I said ever happened, then she went into victim mode and started talking about her death.
When I was 35+ I decided to talk to my mother and share with her my feelings memories as I child how it was to live with an alcoholic father. It is a trauma for me I had a lot of feelings of shame anger loneliness insecurity etc. Her first reaction was: oh and how my life and childhood was difficult. Again I felt like I was invisible and my feealings and my reality not valid..
These videos..."here's what I'm learning..." We see our parents, we see ourselves as the kids and we're figuring all this out a lot later than we thought we would. You're doing God's work, know that.
I'm 34 and my mother has never apologized. As a matter of fact, just a week ago I was hospitalized for a combination of physical and mental health issues, and within 24 hours of being released I was blamed for my own abusive childhood. I was literally gaslight by my drunk narcissistic mother at 11am, told that I should have known better AS A CHILD and that she warned me (she NEVER once did) about mental illness and addiction. I had to teach myself everything, discover that I have unfathomably maladaptive coping mechanisms and a host of trauma, parent her in the delusional attempt of maintaining some semblance of peace within the home, all while trying to survive through adolescence and life in general. Thank you for giving people like us a voice, and providing awareness.
I had a partner who could never ever apologise to me even when he had let me down and he was well aware he had. It’s as if he’d rather have died than utter the word “sorry” that’s how incapable he was of any kind of apology. It eroded any intimacy and trust in him as let’s face it, we all mess up but being able to healthily repair through a sincere apology makes such a big difference. At least to me it does. I also feel a responsibility to express my sorrow to the other person, no matter how much discomfort that might cause me if I have messed up and inadvertently caused hurt.
I barely apologize because somehow I feel incredibly insincere when doing so, and how will it fix anything if I just say sorry? I've learnt to say it more through constant work but I feel like my face contorts into a weird crooked smile when I do it that people might identify as a smirk and think I'm not sincere. Or when I say it quietly, I feel like I'm not apologizing enough. Also, I feel like I shouldn't express my own sorrow and sadness over my mistakes as it almost makes me look like the victim... I'm so confused as to how to actually apologize and not just jump into trying to offer to correct my mistake. Because that has never been enough
@@atriyakoller136I had the same problem as well, of thinking that apologizing just isn't useful. In my case, it could depend on the fact that my parents didn't value it at all when I was little ("I don't need your apology", "it changes nothing if you apology or not", "you shouldn't have made that mistake in the first place, why apology now!"), even though I meant it as a sincere aknowledgment of my wrongdoings. Growing up I realized that people generally DO value an heartfelt apology, and now I try my best to give it when it is due. Both just apologizing and just trying to make up for your mistakes are not enough on their own (or at least, not in every situation and for every person), I think we should all strive to do both🤍
@@atriyakoller136your apology is likely still appreciated, even if you feel that way. I usually just try to acknowledge whatever I did wrong by giving a summary version but leaving out anything that could be perceived as an “excuse” (thanks to my Dad and his disdain for anything he perceived as an excuse when I was growing up). So, if I’m late for something because I got caught in traffic, I won’t tell the whole story about why I was late. I probably won’t even say “traffic was bad”, but if I do it will be followed by “and I should have left myself more time in case that happened, and I didn’t, and I’m sorry.” That’s probably 100% unhelpful to you, but I typed it so I’m leaving it 😁
I so want to send this to all my relatives especially the older generation. But I've already given up on them. They will continue on believing as they do and never change.
I am so glad my dad is such a good father. Whenever he does something that upsets me he apologizes and gives me the time and space I need in order to deal with it. I remember one time he was trying to get me to park in a really crowded parking lot and I was having a hard time and he got frustrated and started yelling at me. I started crying and he immediately apologized and we stayed in the car for a few more minutes until I was okay and then we went into the restaurant and he still made it a point to make sure I was okay. THAT is how you resolve a conflict with your child. Not by telling them to get over it, not by ignoring the problem, not by blaming them, but by listening, apologizing, and giving your kid what they need.
How can you be so spot on? I always had to beg my mom, say sorry, and take the blame for her own dismissive behavior. Just to have her talk to me again.
Hits too close to home. This was the example that was set for me by my family. To this day, my mother blames everyone for her mistakes instead of admitting she was wrong.
Accountability, validation, empathy, letting a child know that even parents make mistakes and can grow from those mistakes are all vital elements in raising good human beings! Wonderfully validating video and the comment section makes me feel sad that this is so common, but less alone in my personal experiences at the same time.
I grew up with parents that didn't apologize and that's why I apologize for everything even when I shouldn't. One of those people that randomly says, "I'm sorry" and people are looking at me confused because I didn't do anything wrong.
I don’t really like when other people apologize to me because it’s usually cheep words with no follow up, designed to make the issue go away. I get that the words are important; especially with children. But, words without action is just an endless cycle.
If you can’t apologize about something it’s because there’s something deep down you’re ashamed about in yourself, even if you don’t realize it. You need to give yourself more self love and compassion to soothe yourself to break the cycle of shame.
Could also be because apologizing gives others an excuse to twist the knife. Spill water, clean it up, never speak of it- now it's fixed and it's over Spill water, say sorry, now everyone's going to start yelling about it and having a discussion about why you're so disrespectful and careless, which will take longer than mopping up the water, which you can't do until the yelling is done
It also teaches fearful avoidants that its normal for people to destroy relationships with you/no accountability, chuck it and keep moving along because everyone is 5 years old/personality disordered/destructive. You must be the responsible one/held to a higher standard and you don't deserve intimacy with another human being because it doesn't exist. Great stuff. 😂
So true! My mother never apologised and invalidated me and my feelings when I was growing up. So I try to always apologise to my daughter when i realize I hurt her or that I did something wrong. I always empathise and validate her feelings. That is so important. Unfortunately many parents don’t have enough self-awareness and empathy.. vídeos like that are amazing!!! Great job!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I grew up in a chaotic family, I used to find it hard to apologize or say sorry or when i do ,it did not feel natural, like an apology for the sake of courtesy and the idea of apologising for wrongs or errors felt like I am going to lose a piece of myself or I'd become less of me.. red flag myself 😪
My dad lived to be 87 yrs. old. Not once did he ever apologize to anyone, especially me or my brother. I became a profound people pleaser and had to learn how that was not what to do either. I'm nearly 70 now. I'm still not sure how to be around people.
This REALLY resonated with me. thank you so much! 🙏❤️ I often wondered why my mother NEVER apologized, no matter how hurtful or abusive she was. It was always us kids responsibility to apologize to her (even if we did nothing wrong) when HER emotions got disregulated! Her catchphrase was "Oh right, everyone always blames the mother" 🙄 Total lack of accountability....
After a lot of times of my needs and my siblings' needs being completely ignored, I've learned that some people can't apologize because they're too broken to admit they're wrong. They feel so faulty that they just can't face anymore the fact that they make mistakes... For them, mistakes are just another proof of their defectiveness. They can't accept the fact that they're just vulnerable humans. And, ironically, they become weaker and weaker...
Thank you so much for this. Both of my parents are the dismissive mom. And now that I'm an adult and they've pretty much driven everybody else away with that behavior, they're left with each other...and they're just mean to each other back and forth. Neither ever apologizes to the other, it's just argument after accusation after argument.
I try to talk to my mom about this when she starts tearing into everyone. The only difference is she was always the abuser and everyone feared her, even my grandparents would be too afraid to set boundaries with her. But regardless she uses the same tactics here to deflect and it can be really difficult to live cooperatively without having to make "deals" with her (I think she thinks thats the only way to get people to spend time with her). Everyone has shortcomings and we work on them, but some people will go to drastic and destructive lengths to hide their true flaws so as to pretend they don't exist, even at the cost of their own children, even grandchildren.
Come to think of it I can't remember a single time my parents apologized to me. And they're really good people who love me! There have been times I've wanted an apology but I've never asked for one because I know it'll make them defensive. Maybe they can't admit they made a mistake? I experience guilt for every little thing I do and I apologize probably every day. I even apologize for being upset to the people who hurt me in the first place. I think I need to learn to apologize less and my parents need to apologize more 😅
My mom is like this to a KEY. Even as an adult. I felt I was heading toward that direction until my late 20's I started to realize it. Knowing how my mother is like this. I try to consciously not do this because its' very painful to experience, even as an adult. I don't understand how is it so hard to admit to someone that you were wrong. Why is it so hard to be humble?
Having said that, an apology does NOT make what you've said or done "all better". You can drop a plate to the ground and break it, then apologise, but it doesn't magically fix the plate. It won't undo the things you made that person feel or do. Sometimes people go too far for an apology to make any difference, but they should still give a genuine apology, because it's better to try than not.
I can't even tell you how good these skits are, they're so accurate and really shed light on a lot of issues. I'm nearly 40 now and am really figuring out some major issues in my childhood family dynamic, which definitely seems related to the way one of my parents was raised. I was in tears at the end of this, it's so nice to see someone understand all this and put it in a way that's easy to understand.
This is so on point. My parents did not apologize, say please and thank you, or I love you.They were passive with discipline and did not talk 1:1. They did not use words of affirmation. At my age now (early Boomer), I feel like I have found my inner child. She was incredibly cheated; I can help her to heal.
If youre too weak to apologize, youre too weak. So many people front as if theyre tough but are too insecure to accept theyve been wrong, yet thats literally step one to having any genuine confidence. If your ego is too fragile to accept you make mistakes, youll never be happy.
I've never heard 'I'm sorry' from either parent ever in my almost 50 years of being alive because they live under the falsity that because they're the parent, 'they know best'. It takes a person of integrity to own their actions and do work on themselves and their EQ so I don't expect any 'sorry' or 'I was wrong' to come from either of them.
OH MAN, did you ever just call out my mother in this video, my father, and well of course my brother. Whereas if I walk into a door, I apologize. Guess who is the punching bag in the family?...
The lady playing the “mother” provides a good example of behavior in a narcissistic personality. It’s applicable more broadly to people beyond the family, to people one meets, to coworkers, people in restaurants, taverns, stores, and churches, and even those that might not be encountered personally, like many of these politicians. Have yet to see any decency and apologies from those who were too enthusiastic about the schemes several years ago, especially the health scare. Those who are narcissistic will never apologize, better to stay away from them, maybe if somehow one loves them better to love at a distance.
I appreciate how you show the mom refusing to listen when you make it clear that the child is right. The parent may never get it, but that does not negate the point that the child makes ❤
As a kid I had no time to be a kid always wondering why my mom would behave this way trying to solve her discontent to become a happy child because I felt the lack so much. Then I was an adult with confusion trying ro find my way in an incomprehensible society...
I feel like this is my husband talking to me. Not that I’m a child, but that it’s very difficult for him to apologize and validate any of my feelings, whether I talk to him about them or not.
I always felt it was interesting how people use "you can't blame your parents for everything" as a means to avoid responsibility for the issues their children have navigating life as they get older. And while not everything is the fault of the parent, much of the quality of a child's formative years (the years most influential to our social, emotional, behavioral, and physical faculties) are determined by the actions of their parent.
My mother has only genuinely apologized to me once in my entire life. She’d screamed at the top of her lungs at me and my only response was to quietly tell her I wasn’t going to talk to her until she calmed down. She kept screaming and screaming and I just didn’t respond. That’s the only time she apologized to me, and i don’t think it was because she actually felt bad about it (she did it again the next day), but because she realized she looked silly screaming at me while I just sat there and looked at her. Every other time she’s “apologized” to me, she would say something like “look I’m sorry I hurt your feelings but you ___” and would be condescending about it. And now she wonders why I don’t want to be around her anymore.
My dad made comments about my weight when I was around 10. I was a little chubby and hadn’t hit puberty yet. He hurt my feelings and when I went to him letting him know that what he said hurt me, he laughed and shook his head. I said “you don’t believe me?” And he said, “I believe that’s what YOU THINK happened.” Completely invalidated me, didn’t apologize. Still think about that instance to this day. He hasn’t changed either.
Sounds like my dad. It would either have been that, or my dad looking completely disgusted and yelling “oh, shut up, just go away, I’m not listening to your crap” or something similar. My dad does a lot better since I moved out and he started taking antidepressants. But I also only see him a handful of times a year, even though we live in the same city… so that should tell you something lol. I’m sorry your dad sucks too.
@@elleumm same, I only see my dad a handful of times a year, but even then it’s hard for me to be around him for long periods of time. Thing is, my dad needs therapy (he was abused as a kid) and probably some sort of medication as well, but since he thinks he’s perfect, he will never see a need for therapy. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never get an apology from him for any of the shit he said or did, but I have forgiven him anyways. Forgiving is already hard, but forgiving without an apology is even harder. Thank you for the kind words! I’m sorry your dad isn’t the best either ❤️
That is one wise child right there! Apologizing and admitting you are wrong is one of the signs of emotional maturity, and it's an important step to becoming self-aware.
I for one do not like when people “apologize “ or say “sorry” I much rather someone tell me they “won’t do something again “and tell me how they’ll “make it better/fix it” than to hear someone say they’re “sorry” or that they “apologize ”-- People have said “sorry” or that they “apologize” -only for them to do the same offense over and over-at least when they tell me WITH THEIR WORDS they “won’t do something again” or they tell me THAT they’ll “fix it” -I can hold them to their WORD- if someone breaks my plate- I don’t want them to say “sorry “- sorries don’t fix things -I rather hear them VOW they won’t do it again AND. See them to fix it and- vice versa I would rather fix how I hurt someone rather than to say words that mean nothing . I hold myself to that same standard That to me is true integrity , not empty words that don’t hold anyone to any plan of action or solution .. I’ve learned to not say empty words and to speak as meaningfully as I can. I’m my opinion-“Sorries/apologies “-don’t fix anything in the long run but actions do
I always got to take the blame or was made responsible for anything that went wrong so I began apologizing for everything. Then when people got annoyed with me for that, I tried making up for any percieved fault and making myself responsible for the feelings of everyone else and devaluing my own feelings and trying to apologize through my actions instead. Now people think I dont hold myself accountable for mistakes when I simply dont know how to apologize in a way that makes sense to anyone else ("Sorry" isnt enough, for example) or I explain myself in everything I do and people just see it as me making excuses instead of me trying to communicate the reason Im trying to accountable or why I did what I did (Accident, meltdown, etc). Im miserable all the time, I feel like Im a bad person, and I hate people in general. People are selfish, defensive, cruel, unwilling to listen to others if they've already decided who they think they are, and I never get an apology but Im always expected to give one. The pendulum swings both ways with accountability.
something my mother and I have discussed is how apologizing doesn't mean you lose, and it's okay to apologize to your kids and explain why you were wrong. It doesn't give up your authority as the parent, it helps your kids to trust you. The time when unquestioning obedience was needed was when it was a lot more likely your kid would die if they didn't listen to you. There is a time when it's appropriate to not explain yourself, ie when there is a dangerous or potentially dangerous situation.
This hit home. Not because I don't apologize but because I OVER apologize while my partner rarely takes accountability for any of his actions, let alone apologize. Even when it's something that he clearly would be upset and hurt about if I did it to him.
A sincere apology needs to be said ONCE. If the person accepts then great, if not then their judgment of you is on them. Next time, try apologizing only ONCE and you will see the responsibility to do the right thing shifts from you to them now. Will they accept, forgive and forget?…or will they hold on to the judgment? Most people prefer to hold it against you because they get a high off being right and you being wrong. Either way it’s not your problem anymore, it’s theirs.
i had a 'friend' who i always argued with, she was so over-sensitive and would blame me for everything. she looked down on me. I always ended up being the one who had to apologise even if i did nothing wrong. and now she ghosted me. she acted so annoying.
Feelings and emotional accountability were never mentioned within my family. It has strained my friendships and relationships and is likely the reason why I've never wanted kids of my own, because I know I'm not equipped to have good emotional connection with them. I'd rather take this emotionless curse to my grave than to possibly pass it on and bear the burden of being a bad parent.
I wish I could send this to my birth giver... But I've gone NC, and I don't want to open that can of worms again. Last we spoke, I asked her to apologise for defending an ab*ser, her husband, and for choosing dr*gs over my education. She refused and said "ask yourself if you were a good child,". I was. I was quiet, non-confrontational, polite, generous, kind. And continue to strive to be that. Their ceiling will be my floor.
Growing up my mom could never admit she was wrong, but there was a span of time (maybe a year) when I was a tween that she suddenly decided to apologize for yelling after we got in fights. Idk what changed but she eventually got tired of it and switched back to me being the only one who ever apologized. Yet, that time of my life was so healing for me that I remember it to this day. Just by occasionally admitting that she had done something wrong by hurting my feelings made me feel like I mattered and didn’t deserve to be brushed aside. Even when it stopped I always remembered it. I was human. I mattered. My feelings mattered. If only for a brief time.
Some people are complete ventriloquists when it comes to holding themselves accountable for their actions. It will always be somebody or something else's fault that they react inappropriately to certain stimuli, and so they will never learn that maybe they have poor emotional regulation and should seek counseling for anger management, but rather everybody/everything else needs to stop being stupid/annoying to them to trigger their tantrums/meltdowns.
That child wouldn't have been able to talk for that long in my family. "Belt", grounded and the only explanation given is "you will understand when you grow up", which meant: when you grow up you will do the same to your kids and be happy about it.
This video is like an education, thank you for making this! When I'm wrong, I'm wrong and I own it. And I try to learn and grow from the experience. However I've noticed since speaking up on racism and some of my other experiences, some people from my school throughout the years did not want to listen to perspectives outside their own (even though on the surface they claim different). And did more to try to shut down and avoid then listen. In these instances. I don't look for apologies at all. People have mistaked my kindness for weakness my whole life and I found standing up took some people off guard. I don't care how old someone is off record, I've apologized to kids before. Because if I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
I have this friend who is so arrogant and self centred. She always puts herself first no matter the situation and thinks she’s always right. However, I have known both of her parents for over a year now and both are so caring and respectful. Maybe it’s something going on behind the scenes? Idk at this point.
I think it’s best/most realistic to learn not to expect apologies (or anything) from people. You can’t force apologies, you can’t force kindness, you can’t force respect. We will do better if we accept these things and lose expectations.
it's only fair if it goes both ways. so if the kid shouldn't expect the parent to apologize, then the parent shouldn't expect the kid to apologize either. that's what the daughter said she was learning in the video, to be inconsiderate. cos really all it takes is a bit of consideration to realize yourself what you may have done wrong, but these kinds of parents are too lazy or impatient to consider their own actions and teach their kids right by example, with an apology.
I don't agree at all, I think respect, and accountability if they did something wrong is the bare minimum. And I'm very happy I have like 5 best friends around that I share values with. Expect better, choose better, live better 🙏🏼
Many of these kids DO learn to apologize and accept accountability. Often they take the blame for everything, whether it's their fault or not . . . and spend years apologizing for everything, including their own existence.
I know a few people like this. They insult you, find out they're wrong, but won't apologize. I practiced apologizing because my parents don't bother doing it. I did it as a game with my nephews until it became an easy thing to do. I don't apologize for everything, however. If I intentionally tell someone something to piss them off, I don't apologize.
THANK YOU @the holistic psychologist !!!! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 THANK YOU so very much for putting together this video… THANK YOU for shining a light on this very real yet seldom discussed or even acknowledged relationship dynamic/situation. THANK YOU for showing the inner workings, the reasons behind why it occurs, the patterns it possesses and the painful repercussions and emotions that so many souls endure because of this. Those of Us who are here on Earth breaking generational patterns and traumas…. Those of Us who are standing up & speaking up about every facet of the painful dynamics which at times, seem to be immovable and set in stone…. This comment is for YOU/US!! WE are the IMMOVABLE force! 🤚🏽 We are STRONG! 💎 We are LOVED! 🤍 We are IMPORTANT! 🫵🏽 We are HEARD! 🗣️ We are VALIDATED! 🤌🏽 We are NOT ALONE!! 🌏 & most importantly, WE GOT THIS!! 💪🏽❤️🔥🪷🕊️🧘🏽♀️🎊🦋
This hits home. The issue I have, however, is what do you do when people demand apologies and “accountability” for your non-neurotypical behaviors? It’s just recreating the abusive patterns I grew up with. Other people are not just NPCs who are able to effortlessly behave in the ways that best suits your needs. So much of this seems to be about cutting anyone with challenges out of your life. Truly sucks to be on the other end of that.
I'm not neurotypical, but I get a similar impression from some of these videos, including this one. People are not perfect, and they will not always act in ways that validate you or your feelings.
I apologize to my kids. When my oldest two grew up, they forgot I even apologized for anything. I also taught them to apologize and they struggle with apologizing. There are more reasons why people don't apologize besides narcissism. Some people just don't know how, or it makes them feel mushy, or they apologize without words. How would you apologize if you could not speak?
Gave my parents many chancea to be accountable. Got abused for asking for it. No more. They can miss me on their death beds, and I won't even know they died to bother with their funerals.
I had to do a lot of personal growth with family trauma. But my sibling has zero accountability and never apologizes and acts as though nothing happened after one of their routine bridge burning blow outs. To the point there is no talking to them they just leave mid conversation. They only want you to forget. Which is how our parents worked. So this really hit home, but unfortunately, people like my sibling will never use this information to better themselves.
“How do you think I’ll learn to be accountable for how I impact the people closest to me ?”😮 This explains why I can be so oblivious to how my behavior impacts others just as much as it impacts me! So much defensiveness comes up when I’m around my family. It’s like we don’t want to seem “soft” for being empathetic to how we experience each other, even though we spend a lot of time in each other’s presence. We’re afraid of being accountable for how we make each other feel❤
In my last relationship, my partner was like this. He invalidated my feelings and acted defensive most of the time. I felt I had to repress my feelings as, if I expressed them, I was going to get blamed and hurt for it.
my grandma is like this, she had me from birth to three years old, and again in my teen years, and on and off in between. sometimes i would get very hurt and mad at her for this. and its definitely had a deep affect on me, my issue is i have a compulsion to apologize because I am so afraid of coming across that way. it makes it mean less, as well. but i honestly feel sorry for my grandma. she does love me, she does feel guilty, shes so backed up with guilt and trauma she cant even see straight. she is trying to survive probably inside a mind that is trying to fight her. so her biggest power is denial. i wish i could heal her. sometimes now that I am 30 i cant be angry at my family anymore, i just feel so sorry for them and wish they were able to have the growth i have.
None of my parents apologize when they have done wrong. My mother use to say "in two days it is all forgotten". She, on the other hand, hang on to any bad comment or dismissive action done to her, forever, and use them as hydrogen-bombs years later. It is all a game, always. Cause it happens that she apologize, but only if she did not do any wrong or if the error she did was so ridiculous small an apology is not needed; in this way she get consolement and reasurement instead, and comfort and appraisal for her kindness. She never asks for anything either, not once, she manipulates and triangulates instead, and usually get what she wants without having to say thank you. She is a master manipulator, i'll give her that. The pricetag of her needs is a guilttrip, a decrease of reputation or your sanity. She is a very expensive woman to live with.
Apologizing and taking accountability is a major sign of strength.
Apologies seem less a form of accountability and more a method of avoiding actually taking accountability.
@@thesong7877only if it's not genuine
yes! ❤
@@thesong7877 depends on the situation. Do they apologize cuz they trully feel bad or because there is bad consequences if they don't?
@@LovedLamb If they truly felt bad, they wouldn't have done the thing they're apologizing for.
I find it extremely important to apologize to my kids. When I’m in the wrong I’m in the wrong. I was raised with parents who do not ever apologize and I once said it to my mother and she dismissed my feelings by ridicule it.
My mother is amazing, but she also never apologizes. These little things have actually done the opposite and made me not want children
Same!!!
My Dad is like that with me especially, he never takes accountability when he is in the wrong and always finds a way to shift all the blame onto me. He never listens to my side of the story and the only thing that's important to him is his voice being heard and his feelings. I have finally decided that having a close and healthy relationship with him is not possible and he will likely never change. Like she said, a healthy relationship has respect and there is a clear lack of respect towards me from my Dad...Then he wonders why he has the issues he does with me.
Thank you for being a cycle-breaker 🙏
I commend you for this. Wish my mother thought this way
Children have rights and they should be seen & treated as humans too!
True!
EXACTLY!! 😮
Yes! I have a 4 year old and 2 year old and it's so sad that people don't see children as humans with feelings. I look at their little faces and eyes and can just see how much they want to express and relate to us parents or other adults.
absolutely ❤
Fr this looks so obvious and still so many people forget about it. They would never yell to an adult but they totally do it with kids. They're power tripping now that they're the ones with "authority"
"Healthy relationships don't involve fearing someone."
So well said.
I remember like yesterday having this conversation with my Mom as an 8yo and she told me, to the face, with the meanest confidence I’ve ever encountered: “I will NEVER apologise. Be grateful that you eat and sleep and don’t expect anything more”.
I have grieved this woman everyday of my adult Life and she is alive.
That’s so tough. I’m really sorry that your mom acted that way, and I’m especially sorry that she acted that way when you were 8. Nobody deserves that.
When my father dies, I won't cry for him, but I'll be relieved.
We grieve for the parent we could’ve had
this is horrible I am sorry for that , but I can see why some one will act like your parent did if they were raised poor and their parents weren't even providing them with basic necessities they may turn on to be very materialistic
Why did you add "and she is alive"? Is there reason to belief she's not? 😮 Why would that be a point?
When I was younger both my parents and my older sibling never apologized when I try to express how their actions made me feel. They would get defensive and deflected it back at me saying I was over sensitive. I recently became aware that I had a history of seeking toxic relationships and friendships or I'd sabotage healthy relationships to mirror that same toxic dynamic
Its horrible that happened.
Yes?! Why!!! I actually used to BE that older sibling (because one of my parents were/are like that with me), and then I came across gentle parenting….totally changed my relationship with my younger siblings…but not with my parent & not with myself (I extend grace, humility, etc. towards my hubby, my siblings, etc., but not myself…does that make sense? And regarding the “it didn’t change anything with my parent”, that’s because I’ll occasionally share something that’s low key enough for me to feel safe sharing, but straightforward enough for them to understand the point and…usually get defensive about it & drop it. 🤦♀️🥺)…I hope your family has grown!! ❤❤❤
@@JoyfilliedYes. What you are saying makes total sense. It's damaging enough when others criticize us for feeling hurt due to their toxic dysfunctional behavior, but when we naively internalize that message and learn to criticize ourselves, it's next level f*ckedupness. Be kind to your inner child, and learn to create healthy boundaries. It sounds like you have already!
Exactly…and it’s generational, too (maybe mine isn’t, but who knows). I never actually said I internalized any messages, but it’s true…and now it’s my inner voice. I’m hyper aware of a lot of things, but I either don’t know how to grow from it (in terms of treating myself consistently better, setting boundaries with everyone, etc.), or I do, but I still don’t…like I intellectually understand, but not in a way I can practically implement it. Does that make sense? And I just triggered myself a couple days ago & have been making “aha!” connections since then…like how sometimes something as simple as a headache or a nap can be mental health/trauma related, or how something I thought I finally felt okay with hit me like a ton of bricks, etc…or how me not really acknowledging my inner child (because it’s such a foreign concept and sounds utterly strange) tends to let oooold memories fester in the body & mind…so…I haven’t really learned boundaries (especially with the people I need to set them with most) or consistent kindness towards myself (mentally/emotionally or physically), but…I’m slowly recognizing that I somehow grew through all the knowledge I acquired (which is exactly why I’m interested in this sort of thing - to be a secure/safe wife & mom for my family, as well as daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend, etc. & to help anyone who needs it)…❤ Anyways…thank you for the encouragement & validation (without leaning into pity party - we need to grow, not remain stagnant in this mire & muck)! ❤
@brendamyc3173 Perhaps, or they're not secure enough in themselves to extend authentic apologies. They're in defensive/defiant mode. People who have a healthy view of themselves as being inherently worthy acknowledge their imperfections and strive to grow, and they like themselves. They don't need to put up a false front of perfection (or whatever their false front is about) and are secure enough to readily offer sincere apologies. They know that apologizing doesn't rob them of their inherent personal worth or make them weak.
My parents taught me at an early age it's ok for adults to admit they're wrong to children.
I once explained to a crying toddler after I messed up on something that resulted in her getting confused (I mixed up her snacktime plate with another kid's snacktime plate, so I had to stop her from eating off the wrong plate) that I was the one who made the mistake, not her, and she instantly stopped crying.
That’s strange but kids don’t know wtf is going on. That kid just thought you gave her snacks away. That would trip me out too. What is this lady DOING?!? 😂
In general, it's ok to be wrong. The idea that adults are exempt from this to a child is misguided at best or controlling at worst
That's fantastic your parents taught you that!! My mother was "never wrong" so she had no reason to apologize...in her mind.
I apologized to my daughter; I wasn't and am not perfect. Kids need to see that being an adult doesn't mean you're perfect, just human like them ❤
@@FloydFloyd-ot5eo Kids know what the hell is going on around them even if they don't have words to express it. Stop acting like they are mindless meat blobs because they can't give a TedTalk
This makes me happy to read.
I think you'll be a good parent.
My mother has never apologized for the horrible mean words and ways she hurt me. As a mother I always apologize to my children.
You're setting such a wonderful, healthy example!
So happy you are such a good mom to your kids despite what happened to you ❤❤
Make sure not to take it to the other extreme where you're apologizing for everything. Be mindful of your position and your kid's reactions.
Apologizing for everything can turn you into a door mat. Like trying to apologize for situations that are not your doing. For example, I'm sorry it's raining. If you can't control the situation don't apologize for it. Or apologizing for having to tell you're kids no. I'm sorry we can't go right now. Instead give a reason and drop the apology. We can't go now, because I have work to do, but we can plan for this Saturday instead. Give an alternative thing to do instead of apologizing.
Same with my own mother. She absolutely denies saying or doing much of it. I believe that she really doesn't remember because she wasn't thinking but acting out of anger...and the memory is far less prominent when you weren't the person who was hurt. It's great to hear that you're breaking this cycle, I would make an effort to, myself, if I had children.
My toxic parents didn't apologize. It was always someone else's fault. My sibling is the same way. No accountability whatsoever.
It's frustrating, I hope it's manageable and doesn't bring you too down ❤
From personal experience, the lack of desire to apologize and getting defensive instead is as a result of growing up being put down and shamed for every little thing, so when someone genuinely wants you to take accountability it feels exactly the same as an attack. Basically, because they were shamed and belittled and ridiculed for every little thing they did, the struggle to take accountability partially due to the fact that they can't tell the difference between a small genuine mistake that's easy to brush off and things that genuinely need an apology, so they freak out when you genuinely need an apology from them because in their minds they subconsciously see it the same as their parents screaming at them for spilling their drink when there were three. When this goes untreated, it leads to narcissism
And BPD, I would guess.
Fuck this is so true thank you for articulating it so well
Hey, i agree with this too. Been there. Abusive relationships can do it too.... Started with my Dad being like this and extended to a bf being like this to me, but FAR worse than my dad, for 6 years. I was in a total warzone. Constantly being yelled at, names, it got physical. Thats why i try to be a lot more forgiving and try not to micro manage the littles - even though the reason being is, i want whats best for them and i want them to be successful .
You really hit the nail on the head here! Its definitely worth a highlight on the subject.
Because, its true - not everyone who fears "accountability" is a monster. Often times, these people are victims of abuse and abandonment themselves, or were raised by perfectionists or were taught its weak to be wrong, or faced wrongful or extreme court convictions, strict cultural / religious expectations, etc.
Its hard to "be wrong" when you were taught that being less than perfect meant you didnt deserve to be loved, and that any mistakes you made were a good reason to abandon you (and the kids). Or that you making a mistake meant that whatever someone else did in retaliation was also your fault.
Its genuinely interesting though, how we react to each others bs and one thing leads to the next, huh? 😊
I just had another thought... Having people in your life who NEVER let shit go either. They just never really forgive you, and remind you later on repeatedly, so you are so afraid to do anything wrong because it will be held over your head and chizeled on your tombstone when you die.
"Yeah, you spilled that milk when you were 3 and i had to clean it up, and then i was running late and missed mailing out that bill at the post office. We got a late fine. Most expensive milk on earth. Ha ha ha."
And youve heard this story for 35 years. 😅
@@P.e.m.a.bruh that is the most depressing story about milk I've ever read 😅
My mother hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. She never apologized once for any hurtful thing that she did to me. At 12 years old, I cried and asked her if she even loved me. Her response was filled with hatred and sarcasm. She ridiculed me for being hurt. I am 55 now. I can still remember that moment as if it was yesterday. It burned into my soul.
I had that with my dad. I'm 54. I so understand the hurt, betrayal, fear, confusion, loneliness you felt and not just by your mom. I think back to my little self and ask where were all the adults? No one stopped him. No one protected me (or my mom). We were all damaged and through therapy I really hope I'm healing generations of harm and pain. Sending hugs.
I empathize deeply. It seems the controlling bully types don’t like to admit they were wrong or apologize. It’s so hard to come to grips with what happened to my little innocent self and how it has affected my body and soul years later.
But I know healing is possible, for all of us. 🙏🏼
The mother in this video is my mother. The man she is married to is not abusive, but she runs over him frequently and I watch him cringe or just emotionally retreat. It makes me sad for both of them. I never want to be that way again. I was. I was the punching bag and took it out on someone else. So much conscientiousness on my part to change that. So much more work to do.
Same, I thought movies lied about kids with abusive parents becoming abusers because more than anything I wanted to be better than my mom and I was determined to be a good parent when I grew up. I still very much want that, but I didn't realise how hard it would be. My subconscious default is to act like her, and I'll probably spend the next few decades fighting it until I get used to healthier relationships
You just described my parents to a T
My wife is very much like this. When we have a disagreement on something, she is right, she knows she's right, and if I'm trying to say anything else she'll just have to raise her voice at me to prove she's right. When I try to tell her how I feel about being yelled at I'm shut down and talked over and told I should know by now she doesn't mean it and doesn't even realize she does it, when I stay silent because I know she'll just use what I say against me or cut me off she feels abused, and when I can't keep something down and start screaming at her to get my point across over her yelling at me she turns on victim mode and starts crying demanding apologies and reasons why I'm in the state I'm in and not accepting any answers other than what she wants to hear. Which in nearly every case is for me to admit I'm an abusive asshole.
She tells me she's dated nothing but abusers in the past, her entire family save a few sisters is nothing but abusers, and she thought I was different because I use to show patience and empathy when dealing with her, how I currently treat her outside of the screaming matches, and how even when I'm mad at her I try to help her out and do things for her she can't do herself. But she constantly asks why out of everyone I know and the past relationships I've had am I only like I am to her.
It's really hard to break out of this way of thinking- especially if you were raised by people who could "do no wrong."
@@Ark-ys2up this can go in 2 directions, overcorrect or deny and repeat. You chose 1, he chose the other. Healthy is in the middle - don't apologize when it has Nothing to do with you, but be fully responsible when it does.
Little miss perfect parent do no wrong now a day bro.. even my subconscious is like that too always humans are arrogant
U can reprogram ur brain . Self love we blsbe an carry all that guilt n shame soooo ecpresss house feelings yesss❤
@@RitaP41i feel like it isn't in the middle
Wouldn't it just be "correct mistakes and don't internalize them"?
@@orbismworldbuilding8428 what do you mean?
And correct - yes, but don't internalize? Then how will you Know not to repeat the mistake?
I'd have gotten knocked out half way through that speech. Girl out here saying what truly needs to be said. Major props. Thank you so much for this. I know it's healing to a lot of people to hear this.
❤
🙌🏼🙌🏼
I wouldn't have been able to have such a speech in the 1st place... 😅😢
Agreed!!!
Refusing to apologise to kids is just a power trip.
This hit home so hard and I have family STILL like this and I’m way too old for it, it’s resulted in me excessively apologizing for any and everything. Don’t be your kid’s first bully.
I wish you the best in healing this ❤
"Don't be your kids first bully" You put that perfectly; thanks so much! That is exactly what abusive parents are. You just blew my mind! We don't usually love our bullies!
@@lapislazuliphoenix We do. This is how appeasers are raised. Stockholm syndrome.
I’m not sure if your aware but excessive apologies is a form of trauma bonding
People who do not apologize nor respect others feelings will rarely change...the message from your video that strikes me, is for us, that do want to be accountable for our actions, understand there are people out that will never change and it's not us who are the problem...we need to quickly identify who those people are as the child did in the video and let it go, they are the problem.
Yes!!, agreed!!, " heres what I'm learning "... 😬😑
SO true, I was able to repair a relationship with someone like this not because I changed them, but because I set helpful boundaries (which took a lot of time and practice) to preserve my own well being and the connection between us.
@@Jeannek4493 I'm battling letting go of my parents, because I can't see the point of maintaining such a relationship (if all it ever does is to remind me of my shitty childhood and tacitly reinforce my maladaptive patterns). Please advice. I'm 33 and I guess my parents will have another 10-20 years left to live.
@@TheDavveponken I'm in the same boat as an older Millenial with abusive parents in their 70s and 80s. Not sure how many years either of them have left, and I really want to do right by my son. I went through so much hell during the pandemic that I literally needed to get away from everyone I knew and started talking to mental health professionals. I've been getting treatment for my mental health issues for the last two years and I don't want my son to grow up hating me or us being estranged due to the effects of my lifelong trauma & mental illness.
I had this exact conversation with my mom yesterday. She did not take it well. At first she gave reasons for her behavior rather than acknowledging my feelings, then she denied that the things I said ever happened, then she went into victim mode and started talking about her death.
When I was 35+ I decided to talk to my mother and share with her my feelings memories as I child how it was to live with an alcoholic father. It is a trauma for me I had a lot of feelings of shame anger loneliness insecurity etc. Her first reaction was: oh and how my life and childhood was difficult. Again I felt like I was invisible and my feealings and my reality not valid..
These videos..."here's what I'm learning..."
We see our parents, we see ourselves as the kids and we're figuring all this out a lot later than we thought we would.
You're doing God's work, know that.
I'm 34 and my mother has never apologized. As a matter of fact, just a week ago I was hospitalized for a combination of physical and mental health issues, and within 24 hours of being released I was blamed for my own abusive childhood. I was literally gaslight by my drunk narcissistic mother at 11am, told that I should have known better AS A CHILD and that she warned me (she NEVER once did) about mental illness and addiction. I had to teach myself everything, discover that I have unfathomably maladaptive coping mechanisms and a host of trauma, parent her in the delusional attempt of maintaining some semblance of peace within the home, all while trying to survive through adolescence and life in general.
Thank you for giving people like us a voice, and providing awareness.
I had a partner who could never ever apologise to me even when he had let me down and he was well aware he had. It’s as if he’d rather have died than utter the word “sorry” that’s how incapable he was of any kind of apology. It eroded any intimacy and trust in him as let’s face it, we all mess up but being able to healthily repair through a sincere apology makes such a big difference. At least to me it does. I also feel a responsibility to express my sorrow to the other person, no matter how much discomfort that might cause me if I have messed up and inadvertently caused hurt.
Same ☹️
Men are like this. I’m convinced all men have a dismissive attachment style
I barely apologize because somehow I feel incredibly insincere when doing so, and how will it fix anything if I just say sorry? I've learnt to say it more through constant work but I feel like my face contorts into a weird crooked smile when I do it that people might identify as a smirk and think I'm not sincere. Or when I say it quietly, I feel like I'm not apologizing enough.
Also, I feel like I shouldn't express my own sorrow and sadness over my mistakes as it almost makes me look like the victim... I'm so confused as to how to actually apologize and not just jump into trying to offer to correct my mistake. Because that has never been enough
@@atriyakoller136I had the same problem as well, of thinking that apologizing just isn't useful. In my case, it could depend on the fact that my parents didn't value it at all when I was little ("I don't need your apology", "it changes nothing if you apology or not", "you shouldn't have made that mistake in the first place, why apology now!"), even though I meant it as a sincere aknowledgment of my wrongdoings. Growing up I realized that people generally DO value an heartfelt apology, and now I try my best to give it when it is due.
Both just apologizing and just trying to make up for your mistakes are not enough on their own (or at least, not in every situation and for every person), I think we should all strive to do both🤍
@@atriyakoller136your apology is likely still appreciated, even if you feel that way. I usually just try to acknowledge whatever I did wrong by giving a summary version but leaving out anything that could be perceived as an “excuse” (thanks to my Dad and his disdain for anything he perceived as an excuse when I was growing up). So, if I’m late for something because I got caught in traffic, I won’t tell the whole story about why I was late. I probably won’t even say “traffic was bad”, but if I do it will be followed by “and I should have left myself more time in case that happened, and I didn’t, and I’m sorry.”
That’s probably 100% unhelpful to you, but I typed it so I’m leaving it 😁
Since my mom rarely ever apologized when I was living at home, I now over apologize for everything even if I did nothing wrong.
I so want to send this to all my relatives especially the older generation. But I've already given up on them. They will continue on believing as they do and never change.
Not being able to say thank you or sorry in situations where its expected usually lead to narcissim.
In my opinion, it is not when expected, but objectively needed. I don't apologize when I am right, because someone expects it for their ego. 🤷🏼🙂
I am so glad my dad is such a good father. Whenever he does something that upsets me he apologizes and gives me the time and space I need in order to deal with it. I remember one time he was trying to get me to park in a really crowded parking lot and I was having a hard time and he got frustrated and started yelling at me. I started crying and he immediately apologized and we stayed in the car for a few more minutes until I was okay and then we went into the restaurant and he still made it a point to make sure I was okay. THAT is how you resolve a conflict with your child. Not by telling them to get over it, not by ignoring the problem, not by blaming them, but by listening, apologizing, and giving your kid what they need.
,,I had bad childhood so you will too" I hate that abusive treatment. Sometimes parents acts like if fear was better than love
How can you be so spot on?
I always had to beg my mom, say sorry, and take the blame for her own dismissive behavior. Just to have her talk to me again.
Hits too close to home. This was the example that was set for me by my family. To this day, my mother blames everyone for her mistakes instead of admitting she was wrong.
'Healthy relationships don't involve fearing someone'
I've never heard such clear words about defining healthy love.
I feel this so deeply, discredited for having emotions.. I get it..
This is abuse!! The dialogue hits the nail on the head. I wish we could call this treatment out for what it is. Emotional abuse!!
Accountability, validation, empathy, letting a child know that even parents make mistakes and can grow from those mistakes are all vital elements in raising good human beings! Wonderfully validating video and the comment section makes me feel sad that this is so common, but less alone in my personal experiences at the same time.
I grew up with parents that didn't apologize and that's why I apologize for everything even when I shouldn't. One of those people that randomly says, "I'm sorry" and people are looking at me confused because I didn't do anything wrong.
I don’t really like when other people apologize to me because it’s usually cheep words with no follow up, designed to make the issue go away. I get that the words are important; especially with children. But, words without action is just an endless cycle.
If you can’t apologize about something it’s because there’s something deep down you’re ashamed about in yourself, even if you don’t realize it. You need to give yourself more self love and compassion to soothe yourself to break the cycle of shame.
Not apologizing also allows said person to do some pretty heinous things and keep on trucking.
Could also be because apologizing gives others an excuse to twist the knife.
Spill water, clean it up, never speak of it- now it's fixed and it's over
Spill water, say sorry, now everyone's going to start yelling about it and having a discussion about why you're so disrespectful and careless, which will take longer than mopping up the water, which you can't do until the yelling is done
Truly mature people hold everyone, including themselves, accountable.
I love your way of teaching. These skits teach so much better than word salad does.
The condescendingly addressing her daughter as honey 😮 these are so good thank you
It also teaches fearful avoidants that its normal for people to destroy relationships with you/no accountability, chuck it and keep moving along because everyone is 5 years old/personality disordered/destructive. You must be the responsible one/held to a higher standard and you don't deserve intimacy with another human being because it doesn't exist. Great stuff. 😂
So true! My mother never apologised and invalidated me and my feelings when I was growing up. So I try to always apologise to my daughter when i realize I hurt her or that I did something wrong. I always empathise and validate her feelings. That is so important. Unfortunately many parents don’t have enough self-awareness and empathy.. vídeos like that are amazing!!! Great job!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Small ones have big feelings and that's where it is most important to nurture them. My children feel things as I do... I never forget.
I always got told to get out of my mother's face when I asked her this. I have ALWAYS made sure to look at myself and apologize to folks I wronged.
I grew up in a chaotic family, I used to find it hard to apologize or say sorry or when i do ,it did not feel natural, like an apology for the sake of courtesy and the idea of apologising for wrongs or errors felt like I am going to lose a piece of myself or I'd become less of me.. red flag myself 😪
My dad lived to be 87 yrs. old. Not once did he ever apologize to anyone, especially me or my brother. I became a profound people pleaser and had to learn how that was not what to do either. I'm nearly 70 now. I'm still not sure how to be around people.
This REALLY resonated with me. thank you so much! 🙏❤️
I often wondered why my mother NEVER apologized, no matter how hurtful or abusive she was. It was always us kids responsibility to apologize to her (even if we did nothing wrong) when HER emotions got disregulated!
Her catchphrase was "Oh right, everyone always blames the mother" 🙄
Total lack of accountability....
After a lot of times of my needs and my siblings' needs being completely ignored, I've learned that some people can't apologize because they're too broken to admit they're wrong. They feel so faulty that they just can't face anymore the fact that they make mistakes... For them, mistakes are just another proof of their defectiveness. They can't accept the fact that they're just vulnerable humans. And, ironically, they become weaker and weaker...
Thank you so much for this.
Both of my parents are the dismissive mom. And now that I'm an adult and they've pretty much driven everybody else away with that behavior, they're left with each other...and they're just mean to each other back and forth. Neither ever apologizes to the other, it's just argument after accusation after argument.
Wow, this one made me actually cry. I had forgotten that feeling of being completely devalued as a human when I was a child.
I try to talk to my mom about this when she starts tearing into everyone. The only difference is she was always the abuser and everyone feared her, even my grandparents would be too afraid to set boundaries with her. But regardless she uses the same tactics here to deflect and it can be really difficult to live cooperatively without having to make "deals" with her (I think she thinks thats the only way to get people to spend time with her). Everyone has shortcomings and we work on them, but some people will go to drastic and destructive lengths to hide their true flaws so as to pretend they don't exist, even at the cost of their own children, even grandchildren.
Come to think of it I can't remember a single time my parents apologized to me. And they're really good people who love me!
There have been times I've wanted an apology but I've never asked for one because I know it'll make them defensive. Maybe they can't admit they made a mistake?
I experience guilt for every little thing I do and I apologize probably every day. I even apologize for being upset to the people who hurt me in the first place.
I think I need to learn to apologize less and my parents need to apologize more 😅
My mom is like this to a KEY. Even as an adult. I felt I was heading toward that direction until my late 20's I started to realize it. Knowing how my mother is like this. I try to consciously not do this because its' very painful to experience, even as an adult. I don't understand how is it so hard to admit to someone that you were wrong. Why is it so hard to be humble?
Having said that, an apology does NOT make what you've said or done "all better". You can drop a plate to the ground and break it, then apologise, but it doesn't magically fix the plate. It won't undo the things you made that person feel or do.
Sometimes people go too far for an apology to make any difference, but they should still give a genuine apology, because it's better to try than not.
I can't even tell you how good these skits are, they're so accurate and really shed light on a lot of issues. I'm nearly 40 now and am really figuring out some major issues in my childhood family dynamic, which definitely seems related to the way one of my parents was raised. I was in tears at the end of this, it's so nice to see someone understand all this and put it in a way that's easy to understand.
This is so on point. My parents did not apologize, say please and thank you, or I love you.They were passive with discipline and did not talk 1:1. They did not use words of affirmation. At my age now (early Boomer), I feel like I have found my inner child. She was incredibly cheated; I can help her to heal.
If youre too weak to apologize, youre too weak. So many people front as if theyre tough but are too insecure to accept theyve been wrong, yet thats literally step one to having any genuine confidence. If your ego is too fragile to accept you make mistakes, youll never be happy.
I've never heard 'I'm sorry' from either parent ever in my almost 50 years of being alive because they live under the falsity that because they're the parent, 'they know best'. It takes a person of integrity to own their actions and do work on themselves and their EQ so I don't expect any 'sorry' or 'I was wrong' to come from either of them.
OH MAN, did you ever just call out my mother in this video, my father, and well of course my brother.
Whereas if I walk into a door, I apologize. Guess who is the punching bag in the family?...
The lady playing the “mother” provides a good example of behavior in a narcissistic personality. It’s applicable more broadly to people beyond the family, to people one meets, to coworkers, people in restaurants, taverns, stores, and churches, and even those that might not be encountered personally, like many of these politicians. Have yet to see any decency and apologies from those who were too enthusiastic about the schemes several years ago, especially the health scare. Those who are narcissistic will never apologize, better to stay away from them, maybe if somehow one loves them better to love at a distance.
I appreciate how you show the mom refusing to listen when you make it clear that the child is right. The parent may never get it, but that does not negate the point that the child makes ❤
It would open the flood gates and unravel the narrative that is hiding something too painful for them to process.
As a kid I had no time to be a kid always wondering why my mom would behave this way trying to solve her discontent to become a happy child because I felt the lack so much. Then I was an adult with confusion trying ro find my way in an incomprehensible society...
I feel like this is my husband talking to me. Not that I’m a child, but that it’s very difficult for him to apologize and validate any of my feelings, whether I talk to him about them or not.
I always felt it was interesting how people use "you can't blame your parents for everything" as a means to avoid responsibility for the issues their children have navigating life as they get older. And while not everything is the fault of the parent, much of the quality of a child's formative years (the years most influential to our social, emotional, behavioral, and physical faculties) are determined by the actions of their parent.
My mother has only genuinely apologized to me once in my entire life. She’d screamed at the top of her lungs at me and my only response was to quietly tell her I wasn’t going to talk to her until she calmed down. She kept screaming and screaming and I just didn’t respond. That’s the only time she apologized to me, and i don’t think it was because she actually felt bad about it (she did it again the next day), but because she realized she looked silly screaming at me while I just sat there and looked at her. Every other time she’s “apologized” to me, she would say something like “look I’m sorry I hurt your feelings but you ___” and would be condescending about it. And now she wonders why I don’t want to be around her anymore.
My dad made comments about my weight when I was around 10. I was a little chubby and hadn’t hit puberty yet. He hurt my feelings and when I went to him letting him know that what he said hurt me, he laughed and shook his head. I said “you don’t believe me?” And he said, “I believe that’s what YOU THINK happened.”
Completely invalidated me, didn’t apologize. Still think about that instance to this day. He hasn’t changed either.
Sounds like my dad. It would either have been that, or my dad looking completely disgusted and yelling “oh, shut up, just go away, I’m not listening to your crap” or something similar.
My dad does a lot better since I moved out and he started taking antidepressants. But I also only see him a handful of times a year, even though we live in the same city… so that should tell you something lol.
I’m sorry your dad sucks too.
@@elleumm same, I only see my dad a handful of times a year, but even then it’s hard for me to be around him for long periods of time. Thing is, my dad needs therapy (he was abused as a kid) and probably some sort of medication as well, but since he thinks he’s perfect, he will never see a need for therapy. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never get an apology from him for any of the shit he said or did, but I have forgiven him anyways. Forgiving is already hard, but forgiving without an apology is even harder. Thank you for the kind words! I’m sorry your dad isn’t the best either ❤️
Lmao I love the bewildered look the parent has at the end of these.
That is one wise child right there! Apologizing and admitting you are wrong is one of the signs of emotional maturity, and it's an important step to becoming self-aware.
Thank you for this. People other than my parents do this to me as well, and it hurts
This was powerful. It’s a conversation I could only dream of having with my entire family.
I for one do not like when people “apologize “ or say “sorry”
I much rather someone tell me they “won’t do something again “and tell me how they’ll “make it better/fix it” than to hear someone say they’re “sorry” or that they “apologize ”--
People have said “sorry” or that they “apologize” -only for them to do the same offense over and over-at least when they tell me WITH THEIR WORDS they “won’t do something again” or they tell me THAT they’ll “fix it” -I can hold them to their WORD- if someone breaks my plate- I don’t want them to say “sorry “- sorries don’t fix things -I rather hear them VOW they won’t do it again AND. See them to fix it and- vice versa I would rather fix how I hurt someone rather than to say words that mean nothing .
I hold myself to that same standard
That to me is true integrity , not empty words that don’t hold anyone to any plan of action or solution .. I’ve learned to not say empty words and to speak as meaningfully as I can.
I’m my opinion-“Sorries/apologies “-don’t fix anything in the long run but actions do
I'm really glad that I found this channel.
i wish my mother understood this. I miss getting a hug 😭😭
I always got to take the blame or was made responsible for anything that went wrong so I began apologizing for everything. Then when people got annoyed with me for that, I tried making up for any percieved fault and making myself responsible for the feelings of everyone else and devaluing my own feelings and trying to apologize through my actions instead. Now people think I dont hold myself accountable for mistakes when I simply dont know how to apologize in a way that makes sense to anyone else ("Sorry" isnt enough, for example) or I explain myself in everything I do and people just see it as me making excuses instead of me trying to communicate the reason Im trying to accountable or why I did what I did (Accident, meltdown, etc). Im miserable all the time, I feel like Im a bad person, and I hate people in general. People are selfish, defensive, cruel, unwilling to listen to others if they've already decided who they think they are, and I never get an apology but Im always expected to give one. The pendulum swings both ways with accountability.
something my mother and I have discussed is how apologizing doesn't mean you lose, and it's okay to apologize to your kids and explain why you were wrong. It doesn't give up your authority as the parent, it helps your kids to trust you. The time when unquestioning obedience was needed was when it was a lot more likely your kid would die if they didn't listen to you. There is a time when it's appropriate to not explain yourself, ie when there is a dangerous or potentially dangerous situation.
This hit home. Not because I don't apologize but because I OVER apologize while my partner rarely takes accountability for any of his actions, let alone apologize. Even when it's something that he clearly would be upset and hurt about if I did it to him.
A sincere apology needs to be said ONCE.
If the person accepts then great, if not then their judgment of you is on them.
Next time, try apologizing only ONCE and you will see the responsibility to do the right thing shifts from you to them now.
Will they accept, forgive and forget?…or will they hold on to the judgment?
Most people prefer to hold it against you because they get a high off being right and you being wrong.
Either way it’s not your problem anymore, it’s theirs.
i had a 'friend' who i always argued with, she was so over-sensitive and would blame me for everything. she looked down on me. I always ended up being the one who had to apologise even if i did nothing wrong. and now she ghosted me. she acted so annoying.
Feelings and emotional accountability were never mentioned within my family. It has strained my friendships and relationships and is likely the reason why I've never wanted kids of my own, because I know I'm not equipped to have good emotional connection with them. I'd rather take this emotionless curse to my grave than to possibly pass it on and bear the burden of being a bad parent.
Wonderful! My mum apologised to us and I do it now as an adult with my children ,it’s such a healing thing to do .
I wish I could send this to my birth giver... But I've gone NC, and I don't want to open that can of worms again.
Last we spoke, I asked her to apologise for defending an ab*ser, her husband, and for choosing dr*gs over my education. She refused and said "ask yourself if you were a good child,". I was. I was quiet, non-confrontational, polite, generous, kind. And continue to strive to be that.
Their ceiling will be my floor.
Growing up my mom could never admit she was wrong, but there was a span of time (maybe a year) when I was a tween that she suddenly decided to apologize for yelling after we got in fights. Idk what changed but she eventually got tired of it and switched back to me being the only one who ever apologized.
Yet, that time of my life was so healing for me that I remember it to this day. Just by occasionally admitting that she had done something wrong by hurting my feelings made me feel like I mattered and didn’t deserve to be brushed aside. Even when it stopped I always remembered it. I was human. I mattered. My feelings mattered. If only for a brief time.
Self View.
"I'm a good person."
"I'm smart and hardworking."
Call them out on something that threatens self view, they will gaslight.
Some people are complete ventriloquists when it comes to holding themselves accountable for their actions. It will always be somebody or something else's fault that they react inappropriately to certain stimuli, and so they will never learn that maybe they have poor emotional regulation and should seek counseling for anger management, but rather everybody/everything else needs to stop being stupid/annoying to them to trigger their tantrums/meltdowns.
That child wouldn't have been able to talk for that long in my family. "Belt", grounded and the only explanation given is "you will understand when you grow up", which meant: when you grow up you will do the same to your kids and be happy about it.
This video is like an education, thank you for making this! When I'm wrong, I'm wrong and I own it. And I try to learn and grow from the experience. However I've noticed since speaking up on racism and some of my other experiences, some people from my school throughout the years did not want to listen to perspectives outside their own (even though on the surface they claim different). And did more to try to shut down and avoid then listen. In these instances. I don't look for apologies at all. People have mistaked my kindness for weakness my whole life and I found standing up took some people off guard. I don't care how old someone is off record, I've apologized to kids before. Because if I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
I have this friend who is so arrogant and self centred. She always puts herself first no matter the situation and thinks she’s always right. However, I have known both of her parents for over a year now and both are so caring and respectful. Maybe it’s something going on behind the scenes? Idk at this point.
I think it’s best/most realistic to learn not to expect apologies (or anything) from people. You can’t force apologies, you can’t force kindness, you can’t force respect. We will do better if we accept these things and lose expectations.
it's only fair if it goes both ways. so if the kid shouldn't expect the parent to apologize, then the parent shouldn't expect the kid to apologize either. that's what the daughter said she was learning in the video, to be inconsiderate. cos really all it takes is a bit of consideration to realize yourself what you may have done wrong, but these kinds of parents are too lazy or impatient to consider their own actions and teach their kids right by example, with an apology.
I don't agree at all, I think respect, and accountability if they did something wrong is the bare minimum. And I'm very happy I have like 5 best friends around that I share values with. Expect better, choose better, live better 🙏🏼
Many of these kids DO learn to apologize and accept accountability. Often they take the blame for everything, whether it's their fault or not . . . and spend years apologizing for everything, including their own existence.
I’ve always said the 3 main words I say are “Please”, “Thank you” and I’m “Sorry”. I’ve always been this way. I’m not even sure why, but I’m glad am.
Truth! Very well written and delivered.
I know a few people like this. They insult you, find out they're wrong, but won't apologize. I practiced apologizing because my parents don't bother doing it. I did it as a game with my nephews until it became an easy thing to do. I don't apologize for everything, however. If I intentionally tell someone something to piss them off, I don't apologize.
THANK YOU @the holistic psychologist !!!! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
THANK YOU so very much for putting together this video…
THANK YOU for shining a light on this very real yet seldom discussed or even acknowledged relationship dynamic/situation.
THANK YOU for showing the inner workings, the reasons behind why it occurs, the patterns it possesses and the painful repercussions and emotions that so many souls endure because of this.
Those of Us who are here on Earth breaking generational patterns and traumas…. Those of Us who are standing up & speaking up about every facet of the painful dynamics which at times, seem to be immovable and set in stone…. This comment is for YOU/US!!
WE are the IMMOVABLE force! 🤚🏽
We are STRONG! 💎
We are LOVED! 🤍
We are IMPORTANT! 🫵🏽
We are HEARD! 🗣️
We are VALIDATED! 🤌🏽
We are NOT ALONE!! 🌏
& most importantly,
WE GOT THIS!!
💪🏽❤️🔥🪷🕊️🧘🏽♀️🎊🦋
Yes!!!, 🎉🎉
Exactly how I was raised. Exactly.
This hits home. The issue I have, however, is what do you do when people demand apologies and “accountability” for your non-neurotypical behaviors? It’s just recreating the abusive patterns I grew up with. Other people are not just NPCs who are able to effortlessly behave in the ways that best suits your needs.
So much of this seems to be about cutting anyone with challenges out of your life. Truly sucks to be on the other end of that.
I'm not neurotypical, but I get a similar impression from some of these videos, including this one. People are not perfect, and they will not always act in ways that validate you or your feelings.
I apologize to my kids. When my oldest two grew up, they forgot I even apologized for anything. I also taught them to apologize and they struggle with apologizing. There are more reasons why people don't apologize besides narcissism. Some people just don't know how, or it makes them feel mushy, or they apologize without words. How would you apologize if you could not speak?
The same way you apologize with words: by changing your behavior.
This video may be short but extremely impactful. Thank you. My mom once said to me when I was younger that she was NEVER wrong.
Gave my parents many chancea to be accountable.
Got abused for asking for it.
No more. They can miss me on their death beds, and I won't even know they died to bother with their funerals.
I had to do a lot of personal growth with family trauma. But my sibling has zero accountability and never apologizes and acts as though nothing happened after one of their routine bridge burning blow outs. To the point there is no talking to them they just leave mid conversation. They only want you to forget. Which is how our parents worked. So this really hit home, but unfortunately, people like my sibling will never use this information to better themselves.
“How do you think I’ll learn to be accountable for how I impact the people closest to me ?”😮
This explains why I can be so oblivious to how my behavior impacts others just as much as it impacts me!
So much defensiveness comes up when I’m around my family. It’s like we don’t want to seem “soft” for being empathetic to how we experience each other, even though we spend a lot of time in each other’s presence. We’re afraid of being accountable for how we make each other feel❤
In my last relationship, my partner was like this. He invalidated my feelings and acted defensive most of the time. I felt I had to repress my feelings as, if I expressed them, I was going to get blamed and hurt for it.
my grandma is like this, she had me from birth to three years old, and again in my teen years, and on and off in between. sometimes i would get very hurt and mad at her for this. and its definitely had a deep affect on me, my issue is i have a compulsion to apologize because I am so afraid of coming across that way. it makes it mean less, as well. but i honestly feel sorry for my grandma. she does love me, she does feel guilty, shes so backed up with guilt and trauma she cant even see straight. she is trying to survive probably inside a mind that is trying to fight her. so her biggest power is denial.
i wish i could heal her. sometimes now that I am 30 i cant be angry at my family anymore, i just feel so sorry for them and wish they were able to have the growth i have.
None of my parents apologize when they have done wrong. My mother use to say "in two days it is all forgotten". She, on the other hand, hang on to any bad comment or dismissive action done to her, forever, and use them as hydrogen-bombs years later. It is all a game, always. Cause it happens that she apologize, but only if she did not do any wrong or if the error she did was so ridiculous small an apology is not needed; in this way she get consolement and reasurement instead, and comfort and appraisal for her kindness. She never asks for anything either, not once, she manipulates and triangulates instead, and usually get what she wants without having to say thank you. She is a master manipulator, i'll give her that. The pricetag of her needs is a guilttrip, a decrease of reputation or your sanity. She is a very expensive woman to live with.