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I think the husband’s line of logic in that first post is that: “OP is doing something they are enjoying, while I’m over here struggling to have a job. They are so selfish for enjoying something.” It’s not OP being selfish, but just the husband being jealous that OP is doing better that he is.
@@joypomeroy1452 I'm reminded of what reactionary men think of women in higher education, given recent events. This despite women having outnumbered men in higher education for years now, and the gap continuing to widen.
In the USA a masters program can cost >10k a quarter (this was mine and it was one of the cheapest programs in the country for my area of grad study). So it’s not an easy sacrifice to make, especially if one partner is out of work. Very few people can afford to pay this out of pocket so most likely they are racking up debt to complete this program. I still think NTA but I don’t see many people talking about this point.
They take your blood, separate the plasma in a centrifuge and give you back your red cells, and give you some money. Between $20 and $100 where I live. I would guess the average amount is $40. It's not great for your health and illegal in some places, I found out it's illegal in Australia and a Australian runs the place I go to. So they came here to literally resell the blood of the poor to both hospitals as well as rich people who want to do weird skin care routines.
I'm autistic and get not being able to focus on family and a work trip at the same time (I wouldn't be able to!) But he could have presented it better! 😬 And he could definitely put in the extra effort to give his wife some time off when he gets back!
@@sarajuvey but that wouldn't work for me that's what I'm saying. If I had a family like that I would wish that it could but it just wouldn't. I'd be happy to spend other times with them or take them on special trips though so it seems odd that he doesn't try to have special moments with them in other ways.
Growing up my dad had regular business trips abroad(typically at least once a month), we never went with him. Between the conferences and traveling, he'd be quite peopled out, so not really in a state to actually enjoy a vaction with others. Instead he'd do stuff like watch TV in his hotel, go on a bicycle ride if he brought his suitcase bike, or go shopping for foodstuff and/or souvenirs for me and my sister such as belguim waffles for me every time he went to Belguim because they were my favourite. Theoretically it could have probably worked as a "we do our own things on the days you work" and then only do family stuff after the business stuff if he's up to it, with the business trip as a way to make the travel costs cheaper. What concerns me more is the idea the trips are "secret". The 2 ways I could think to interpret this is he's being skecthy about when/where the trip are, and/or she's suspicous what he's doing/who he's meeting during these trips, i.e. an affair, both of which are major issues that would need to be adressed if present. My parents were very transparent to each other over these trips; they did a lot of coordinating over meals and other tasks around them, they called each other every evening to check up, and we know one time one of his coworkers tried to have an affair with him because he told my mum about a weird conversation he had and my mum figured out the woman was trying and failing to flirt with him.
+1 the issue isn’t wanting downtime the issue is not saying explicitly “I will need downtime alone this trip” Maybe he worries about the smoking and that’s why the sneaky vibes come out. Either way direct communication is key
Travel trip story - oh absolutely not! I did foreign trips for work and I was 100% focused on my job during the work week since I had so much to accomplish in a very short period of time. My days were never less than 12 hrs and could be 15 hrs a day. I did not travel in tourist areas. On the weekends I traveled to a new location (my trips were 3 weeks long). Having anyone with me would be very disruptive. Family would expect attention and I would be unable to give it. There’s no holiday, there’s no 9 to 5. It’s intense and grueling.
But that's not what this guy said. He said, 1, he's seen all the touristy thing a million times, ie, he HAS tons of downtime on his work trips, and, 2, he just wants to sit in the hotel room and watch TV, again, if he was working 16-hour days he'd be sleeping the rest, not hanging out and relaxing in the hotel room.
The few work trips i have been on have never allowed me enough time to do more than have a quick dinner, then go to bed. The days are long and filled with so many people. Most would not have allowed me to bring my spouse either. As an introverted person i am so done at the end of these days.
Work trips leave me catatonic. I’m working or unconscious. How on earth would there be time for taking a family on a work trip. Work trips involve a hell of a lot of work.
Right! A work trip has me so wrungout by the end, plus I am a firm believer in separating work and life to maintain work/life balance. Jammi is showing a very young naive and privileged take. :/ Like, if it is serious work with stressful meetings, how am I supposed to have the strength to be a good partner or parent. Also...if his job is that good then they might have a nanny and/or good child care, so she might not be on duty 24/7 :/ It also seemed like he had taken his fam before, but I cld b mistaken. Idk, I can't tell if this guy is the asshole without all the rest of the context. Seems like rich ppl problems to me :/ And that's me being an asshole.
completely agree! I *would not* be able to handle both at once! he should definitely hear his wife though and step it up when he gets back so she can get some time to herself
As someone with a long history of infertility and pregnancy struggles, I would be FURIOUS if anyone announced my pregnancy before I was ready. Not only is that my news to share when I choose, but the fear of a pregnancy loss is so strong and a very real thing. I will be having my son in less than a month now, but it took years of trying to get to that point and to this day I am still afraid something will happen and I will lose him. The woman in story 3 says she's JUST at the end of her first trimester, I can personally relate to how terrified she must be for the health and viability of her pregnancy. MIL is SO out of line.
1st story - NTA - why in the world would she leave a grad program for temporary financial hardship when the grad program is beneficial in the future... 2nd story - He needs to communicate that he needs a break. If he is otherwise an involved father, it would be fine BUT COMMUNICATE!! It does sound like he doesn't like having kids. I would be annoyed as a wife if my husband was away so much and didn't give me the same opportunity. 3rd Story - 100% NTA - husband needs to find a spine. If she doesn't respect this, she won't respect them as parents. He needs to put his foot down.
Ngl the first story is 100% NTA/NTD to me. Because she’s doing the program not only because she loves it, but for better finacial gain in the future, and is still working full time as a teacher…. Like hello? She’s not being lazy or whenever her husband said imo. So I guess I do agree with you, just more aggressively agree that the OP in the first story is NTA
Work trip guy: As a parent, I appreciate the joys of an evening to yourself, but unless his partner has the same opportunity, it's unfair. He should probably discuss this with her honestly rather than seeking advice online. 🤦🏻♀️
As someone who travels internationally for work, it would be so difficult to take my family on the trips. Between the long days, jetlag, and often having to be "on" at meetings all day, I can't imagine having to then manage my family in the evening. I am often just exhausted, zone out on stupid tv, eat in my room and go to bed early. I am not running away from my family, but it isn't easy to manage a family in a hotel. I couldn't imagine trying to deal with the work and my family wanting me to engage in the evenings.
That's completely fair! But I think the issue is with OP's framing. OP seems to have a fair amount of downtime with his work travel and his issue seems to be that he can't go back to his bachelor times when he didn't have to manage a family around his work. Even with the sightseeing, the post made it sound like the problem was seeing sights he'd already been to, not that it would be difficult to manage around his work. That it's harder to watch TV with his sons around.
Parents left at home alone with the kids feel the same way you do. It's just as hard to look after your children 24/7 than it is to work. It's still work. 24/7 parents need breaks to. Just because that parent is at home doesn't mean it's easier. Having a demanding career is just as hard as childcare.
Work trips can be so intense and it sounds like this is a trip where OP knows he needs some peace after a workday. I get why someone would prefer to just do the work, go back to the hotel and decompress for certain trips. Especially since he is usually fine with them joining, I don't think he's making an exception to this trip for no reason. If the wife isn't happy with him leaving home for three days multiple times, that is a valid but very different conversation.
My BIL works in IT. All of the companies that he has worked at that have paid for him to go conferences have had scheduled “company bonding time” events around the conference activities. They literally schedule them to be at classes/the event or involved in “company bonding time” events for 12+ hours daily. That wouldn’t work for bringing the family along.
He does say that he can get his work done and be back in three days as opposed to a week with his family. I doubt his company is covering all his expenses for the family trip, so it not only takes more time but increases cost. I understand his wife wanting to go, but it might be better financially for him to go by himself and just get the job done. Really there isn't enough information to tell if his wife is expecting too much, or if OP is being unreasonable.
I understand why he doesn't want his family with him on a work trip. He is NTA. Work trips can be intense, and this is not a vacation. He is not abandoning his family and wife, he is going to work.
@@HennaHuu Sorry, but no. He says multiple times in the post that he basically hates being a parent and is happy to get away from it and takes his work trips as his opportunity to do so. He is TA all day every day.
Work trip story: a vacation, or even just a trip, is also disruptive to the kids! Mom and kids are losing hours of time and focus to do things like pack suitcases, travel (internationally, so presumably pretty intense travel), acquire food (no home fridge and kitchen), get accustomed to a new room, and probably one where everyone is sharing instead of everyone having their own spaces. Their routines are disrupted, everything is more difficult because it’s unfamiliar, it sounds EXHAUSTING. And it also sounds like mom is expecting dad to help parent an equal amount AS HER ON THE TRIP, which is more than either of them would be doing at home, plus the EXTRA work he’s doing on the business trip (always more than a normal workload, again plus the mental exhaustion of a new office and unfamiliar coworkers etc etc etc.) If the dad were working very frequently (eg one week a month, or every other month for the full month) in the same location for an extended period, it might be feasible to split the whole family between the two locations - get an extended rental in the second location and everyone lives there together for the week/month for the duration of the project. No sightseeing, no vacation, just living normal life in two cities. That seems reasonable, if difficult to pull off. But turning every business trip into a VACATION where you do VACATION THINGS on top of normal work expectations is insane.
Regarding the work trip story: I don't have kids either, but I do struggle with the thought of my partner joining me while I'm on a work trip - not because I don't like to see him, but because I would feel horribly guilty not being able to join him, and leaving him on his own in a strange place. My work trips tend to be very tiring, so I don't normally feel up to doing touristy stuff after, and I would feel like I was disappointing him. It would feel like he was just waiting around for me to be done. My preferred solution would be to leave on the trip a few days early, or return a few days late, and have my partner join me for those days. That way, we can share being in a nice place and get in some quality time either before or after work takes over, and I can fully focus on my work without felling terrible about leaving him on his own.
But it’s not a vacation. It would be a “vacation“ where he hast to work. If I’m going on a trip with my family I would want it to be an actual trip to focus on them. He can’t do that because he is working. It’s a work trip.
Yeah he worded it stupidly, but I get what he's saying lol. I think it would be completely fine for my husband to say he wants his trip to just be work this time. Kids add so much complexity to EVERYTHING. Bringing them on every work trip sounds a bit ridiculous tbh. It's half a vacation and half work and you really don't get to fully dive into either one.
yeah i can understand wanting to keep the two separate. tbh going on "vacation" with younger kids isn't really a vacation at all because of the logistics of packing, planning, wrangling the children. i would imagine trying to do all that while also being responsible for work duties would be immensely stressful.
Yeah. Agree. And it doesn’t sound like he does those trips often. I had a dad who traveled for work quite a bit, and it wasn’t reasonable for us to tag along because 95% of the trips were to super remote places that barely had any hotels around. It was difficult for mom and dad did get a break, however he also earned enough money for us to live a good lower middle class life. He shouldn’t be longing for a quiet hotel room etc if he can’t provide the same for his partner though. Like both are right in this, and if he gives her time to be a person outside of parenthood then this is a non-issue
It literally does not matter because his entire focus and framing is around him being able to disappear and not worry about having kids while his wife has to deal with said kids without them. Her being so much younger is not an ignorable factor in this. He did that on purpose. Trapped the poor girl.
@goated_daveblunts No, it is not understandable, because he thinks he deserves free time away from his family, which is deranged. You can't take time off being a dad. Especially since he's leaving his poor wife with the kids he finds so annoying. He does not like his kids and does not respect his wife. She is not free daycare and should not be expected to do it all by herself whenever he fcuks off. Him mentioning wanting to be alone watching TV gave it away.
The second story: Idk, I think there's a ton of nuance here. Personally, I would get horribly distracted if I brought my spouse with me on a work trip, nevermind two boys on top of that. Even when there's dedicated work time, I'd kind of always have my head in another space. He also says that he DOES bring his family on some trips. I think that's what he means by tourist-y things. I didn't take that as he does tourist-y things when he's on his own during the work trips, but because they become vacations. I think he might be speaking broadly, that wherever they go they do the typical tourist-y things. I understand why he would just want to chill out after the day's over. I get exhausted sometimes after my usual work day when I'm in and out of meetings or training people, or constantly answering questions from teammates. It doesn't sound like he hates his family or he's being suspicious. It just sounds like he gets overstimulated and dealing with people is exhausting.
Given that she's 24, I'm assuming that they've been married for 3 years, which means the 2 boys are a baby and a toddler. So it's not like those kids are even gonna remember any of those touristy things.
My dad went on deployment almost every other year. Obviously, I understand that me and mom couldn't come with him because, like, da? But then he always got bothered that my mom had adjusted to life as a single parent. Because yeah, she was married on paper. But in practice, she was a single parent.
13:08 I'm really torn on this one. Like part of me is like: hell yeah, I'd love to bring my hubby everywhere and get to vacation all the time, but also: every worktrip (paid by the work) turns into a huge personal expense? And also, does wife respect the fact that husband is NOT technically on vacation while he is working, so he might not be down for all vaccationy things?
That's what I was thinking. He is going there for work, and maybe his family doesn't let him get his work done. I don't know the full situation, but it could go both ways.
That’s what I was thinking too. Like do them coming distract from work. And being on a vacation isn’t relaxing, it is much more taxing than being at home and taking care of kids at home
I really wanted some more information on that too. To me it seemed that the family has been travelling with him a lot and when he didn't want it one time, it was immediately an issue, which sounds pretty unreasonable. He also said that if the family travels, a two or three days trip has to be extended to week, which to me sounds like extra days off and/or doing more work when back. I agree with the other commentor above, that travelling for vacation is more work than just staying home. It also could be that it takes a lot more time/energy when working away than working at your regular site. Also, what is the wife doing, if she can just travel so often? If she is a stay at home mum, the childcare can't be divided equally in any case and not all jobs can provide for a family of four with a single salary. I feel like Jamie's commentary relied heavily on stereotypes of him being automatically an absent dad, but I don't think there was enough information to make that assumption.
I have the same thoughts as you but based on how OP’s said everything, it’s not hard to read between the lines here and see that he views these trips as an escape from his family (which everyone needs, fair enough) and isn’t affording his much younger wife the same luxury. That might not be the case, but from what he’s said it’s pretty likely and it’s definitely how he’s presented it.
I got engaged in September on a Monday. I arranged to travel home on the Friday to tell people. We called my mam on Wednesday and told her, told her nobody else knew and that I was coming home to tell people. I got home and asked her if my brother was home because I didn't want to talk about it in the house if he was there. She told me he already knew. Then she told me he knew. I said I wanted to wait until my sisters arrived and tell them all together. She told me my sisters already knew. Then I said atleast I could tell one of bridesmaids and she said "Well you might want to talk to [bridesmaids mother] because she knows". I only got to announce my engagement to one of my friends and my fiancé's family. Everyone on my side knew before I got to them. I lost out on the excitement of telling everyone.
Closest I have come to telling someone else about someone close to me they were pregnant was my mom when she was pregnant with my brother. They did not want to tell anyone yet, and I almost told my Grandparents (my mom's parents). But I caught myself and didn't, and I was 8 almost 9.
I used to go on "work trips" with my dad all the time. Of course, he's a long-haul trucker, so it was really just hanging out with him in the truck. Which is awesome for a kid
OMG I totally feel for the woman on the pregnancy announcement. I was pregnant ONE time in my life, and decided to tell my mom soon after I found out. I thought that since we were going to my cousin's bachelorette party, that would be something she could keep to herself, as the night was supposed to be about my cousin. But after immediately having me call my dad and tell him as soon as we got in the car, when we got to the party, she pulled my aunt to the side and told her behind my back. She and my aunt then insisted that we tell my cousin, and then it was announced to all these strangers. Well, a few weeks later, I miscarried. At my cousin's wedding, her MIL asked me how I was feeling, because she thought I was still pregnant. So awkward. I'm 39 now, and it doesn't look like pregnancy will be a possibility for me (because of medical reasons) but if I ever did get pregnant again, I would NOT tell my mom!!!
my dad went on regular work trips when i was a kid, and my family almost never went with him. he and my mom would travel together a lot before i was born, but she stopped going after we have kids. not because my dad didnt want to spend time with us, but because they knew that me and my brother wouldnt enjoy it. we werent old enough to understand what was going on, and it didnt make sense to drag us along to trips we wouldnt enjoy. once we were old enough to understand what was going on, wed join him from time to time. but if the kids are fairly young, its very possible they wont get enough out of the trip to make it worth it for either parent to deal with traveling with young kids
I have a friend whose job requires her to go on work trips a lot. She misses her husband whenever she goes on them alone, but she knows that she won't always have the energy to make it "work and vacation at the same time". Family vacation trips may be fun, but it's also a big energy investment, energy she may not have after the actual work and the "not technically work" stuff, like having drinks with the bosses, she is expected to do on these trips. Leaving her either too stresses to actually enjoy the vacation and to tired to put all her energy into the work she is supposed to be there for, or she and her husband basically just end up having two seperate trips at the same time barely seeing eachother anyways. I can only imagine this would be even worse with two kids.
i think its telling jamie's perspective about the work trip thing is from his experiences of that sort of thing as a kid. Family vacations and work trips are each two of the most stressful thing in the world, i couldn't imagine people tagging along who intend to turn my work trip into their vacation. Imagine working all day in an unusual environment talking to so many people you dont know and then as soon as you get away your partner is dragging you off with extra rowdy kids to go to a tourist trap! all the while you're trying to answer phone calls while surrounded by screaming children, and then go out for dinner. There's a reason people wait for the weekends to do big things like that! Usually when people plan to turn their work trips into vacations they book several extra days to do so, and if he's just going somewhere where they've been to before a half dozen times and he's not especially interested in it, who the hell would WANT to go there and listen to their kids complain and cry the whole time, as kids on vacation regularly do.
I feel like the first one is just OP poorly phrasing his real problem. You keep going "why wouldn't he want his family to come along and make the work trip more fun, like a vacation?" But OP is saying "my wife treats the trip like a vacation, as if I'm not actually working." To me, that sounds like she isn't taking the burden off of him for his work and trying to cheer him up, she's expecting him to still take the responsibility of organising all the fun parts of the vacation, even though he's busy. He expresses how he feels stressed like he's having to do two jobs on the trip, instead of enjoying himself. I think that's understandable, and if this is indeed whats happening then he's not being ungrateful at all. He shoulda just been clearer the issue is "wife makes me work too much on these work vacations", not the very idea of it in general.
* Second one, sorry typo. Also he has a legit damn point if the wife is turning a three day work trip into a multiple week holiday. Like??? That costs more?? That's much more difficult to organise, that's a lot more stress he has to handle while he's already worried about the actual work trip. He's also completely valid to want to just get the work done and come home to his kids faster. I don't think he's saying he doesn't want to be with the kids, either way he'd be with them?? He's just exhausted after the work trip. Being too tired to do anything but watch TV is fine? It's reading way too much into it to assume he doesn't ever let the wife have free time to herself while he takes the kids. It also isn't even him saying they'll never do these vacations again, he's only saying "let's not do it every single time I have a work trip". I feel this whole situation isn't as extreme as anyone is making it, it's just as simple as the dude not communicating properly. He should just have an honest conversation with her and find a reasonable compromise.
Great point by one of the commenters! He can literally just organise proper family holidays at a different time instead of the work trip. That way he won't be exhausted and grumpy, and they can actually enjoy it all.
I will point out that the wife's issue wasn't that they don't get enough vacations or that he doesn't give her enough alone time away from the kids, but that him wanting to take work trips alone is "suspicious" to her. Him planning separate family vacations would not solve that.
That, and I also thought it was weird that he kept mentioning "jealousy" and the wife being "suspicious." There's an undertone that his wife wants to go along because she doesn't trust that he's just working and wants to keep an eye on everything he's doing. I've seen posts where OPs bury the lead, and more truth comes out in the comments, so maybe the wife has good reason to be suspicious. I think there are more layers that I would need more information about before I can give a proper verdict, though.
Maybe a better compromise would be that they come when he finishes his work (like, his work is 3 days but then his family shows up on day 4). And then they make that extension a few days instead of a whole week
Yeah I completely agree that if he's also giving her opportunities to go and have some alone time then it would be different but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Parenting is F-ing exhausting. Everyone really needs breaks. Including mom.
With the traveling dad one, I was about 10 when my dad had started going on business trips for work, then we moved to Chicago, Illinois, now I was much older than those two kids are in the story most likely, if not then there's a whole other problem... But I remember my dad being gone a lot, I remember my mom feeling like she was a single mother again (she had my brother and sister at a young age and they moved out when we moved to Chicago because they were old enough to). I remember how sad and lonely she and I both felt, I remember my school kind of took pity on me because they thought my mom was a single mom because she'd always come to school functions, parent teacher conferences, all of that, just her. I formed such a tight bond with my mother through all that and while my bond with my dad's improved since he's no longer traveling, it's not as good as I feel it should be because he was barely around for my formative years. There are things I will talk to my mom about that I'll probably only ever tell my dad when I'm ready
Finally early! also no the straights are never ok Regarding the first story, dropping out with 2 semesters left seems like such a waste, dropping out after your husband lost his job also wouldn't have made sense. I don't know how all colleges and universities work, but where I'm at they have a cut off date in which you can drop out and still get your money back. I'm sure the husband is stressed, but being a butthead doesn't help anything.
@@clegs8356literally this. I heard this story and I was like: seems like the husband has insecurity things he needs to talk about with his wife. Like I personally agree. If you have two semesters left of graduate school, I’d stick it out. It allows OP to be able to bring more money back as well, so I personally don’t get why her s/o is so upset about it (other than in regards to his own ego tbh.) Like it’s fine to feel lacking in respects, but talk about it omggg
For the second post, I see two reasonable options (partially overlapping). One is that he may just not enjoy travel vacations very much. He'd want to go out, get stuff done, come back home to family. Second is that all the touristy stuff is interfering with work, and going out to do it on top of work is exhausting him out, while the wife and the kids are in full having fun mode.
My MIL was like the one in the last story. She announced my 1 pregnancy 2 marriage 3 the child's name - in one post before my husband and I had shared any of it. When we told her about our second, we waited until we were ready to go public and texted his brother and sister IMMEDIATELY after telling her, then posted publicly LOL, all while she was still in the house. Information diet is the way to go with these people
Work trips: my husband traveled a lot - A LOT - for work when our kids were young. In theory, joining him on trips was a great idea but it was a nightmare. He ended up being stressed and pulled between us and the “extras”. The kids and I were pretty independent on the trip but it just added so much extra pressure on him. That said: the as the dude kept going it kept getting worse. The way he was talking about his kids was horrible. That’s the problem, not the trip.
Exactly. Everyone on here is saying how "oh, he's probably too tired or distracted" as if they didn't even listen to Jamie read the post. He clearly states why he doesn't want them there, and it's not because he doesn't have time for them or would be too tired or distracted. It's literally because he wants a break from "screaming" children.
On the mother in law. You know what she’s like. Don’t ever share anything that you don’t want broadcast to the world. Even close friends find it difficult to keep a secret. I see huge red flags for your future. She will be disregarding all of your wishes regarding your children. You’re in for a lot of frustration and strain on your marriage. This needs to be addressed sooner than later.
Maybe i'm crazy but i'm more sympathetic to the husband in the 2nd story. I feel like Jamie made some assumptions because he was annoyed but clearly it bothered other people too. I've been on work trips, the point is to work and any down time is usually just enough to eat and sleep. Any touristy type things would have to occur in and around the actual work in time that would otherwise be recovering from said work. This is my point of contention, Jamie equated doing holiday type things in your downtime during a work trip to "working a bit during a holiday" which are not at all the same thing. Holidays with people are stressful, doubly so with kids aka more work so what in a sense is happening is OP's wife is asking OP to cut out any down time on the trip and replace it with more work. Obviously OP should want to spend time with his wife and kids DURING A HOLIDAY but he isn't on holiday, he's at work. And we know nothing about the relationship dynamic, maybe OP's wife wanted to be a stay-at-home parent which would mean that OP needs to do things like work trips to keep the finances stable. And it's just very naive to say "well OP should just switch to a job where he doesn't travel", maybe that's all he's qualified for, maybe with two young kids they can't risk the drop in pay. We just don't know enough to make an informed opinion but to my mind he isn't an a-hole for wanting to keep work trips for work.
You made my day today for posting, because it's been a shitty day to be a none transitioned transmasc who gets his period today yippy.......I feel like death...😅
@necr0marker yes exactly, I'm hoping to get some medical intervention come the new year. I keep complaining to my dad so much, he's like, man just stop having it. I didn't know that was even possible for minors till I saw my doctor in October.
Hey I'm on my cycle too and ik it gets rough! hang in there love! take care of yourself٫ lie down when you need to٫ treat yourself and take extra care of your body as it can be sensitive during this time! you got this dear it's only a few days❤
@CoMorbiditty whut!? That's bollocks.abd bullshit I don't think anyone should be rejected to get top surgery, there should be counseling to make sure the person's ready for the surgery but they shouldn't deny someone care.
My partner gets to travel for work once or twice a year, to conventions etc. & we've decided after two years together that I'll accompany them in the future because we miss each other & my partner always wants to share the cool shops, foods & activities they get to experience when they're away. So in the future we'll pay for me to travel & stay with them, & then I'll just go do touristy things & explore the location while my partner does their work things. I'm really looking forward to it!
In the first one, I can guarantee if roles were reversed, and the husband was in grad-school pursuing his "dreams," society would expect the 'woman' to support him cos he's the 'breadwinner' and would be seen as doing it for the family. Some people even go back to living with parents so this can be accomplished, but when its the 'woman' pursuing her dreams, it is seen as selfish?? How hypocritical is that? Just wait and you both can have a better life, together when she finishes her training. I know a lot of men can get jealous when their partner earns more than them. Its a thing.
As a young mom, the vacation debate to me sounds like a huge communication issue. ;) (as most things) The way my spouse and I deal with it, generally, is that we try to split it, examples: - set responsibilities for mornings/evenings (to ensure alone time as well as couple time - family time tends to fall within the day) - have separate travel (we will spend Christmas at his parents', but he'll return home a couple days early, so he can have his introvert-social-recovery-time from the holidays before we're all together again :)) - have regular days off, apart from vacation (once a month he'll make sure to do an outing without me so I can have a kids-free slot) I fully agree with Jamie, communicate clearly that you'd like to take work trips alone, and then give her the same (roughly) time off. :) And yes, there can be extenuating circumstances. In short, communication is key! :)
for the second one,I am someone who is used to be alone so I need alone time to feel ok ,being around people all day is tiring. Also op maybe prefers work to feel separated to his rest
If he needs alone time, he could buy a separate hotel room for his family or something. Or like Jamie said, make sure the wife has time off as well. Flat out ignoring and not communicating with his wife makes him TA. As a stranger on Reddit, I feel like I know more than the wife does. Communicate with her.
I’m so confused about why people think it’s a good idea to share other people’s news. My senior year of college my roommate got pregnant, and I’m pretty sure she only told me early because she had morning sickness and I was going to start wondering why if she didn’t. And I asked permission to tell my mom so I could ask for advice about the morning sickness. I didn’t even tell my now-husband until he asked because she was obviously showing by that point. How are people so bad at respecting other people’s privacy?
i can empathize with the dude who wants to do work trips without his family. i think jamie maybe doesn't understand what being a bit introverted is like. respite from the family is important.
Absolutely. Being in a different place than usual, probably on a different schedule, almost certainly eating different foods and such (no kitchens in most hotel rooms)? Yeah, I need to recalibrate as often as possible in that situation.
I only had one work trip and despite having one day to do something on our own (which I assumed is rare on trips) it was honestly a lot of meetings and me not being in the room in general. I can’t imagine how busy other work trips are. Idk when I think work trips I think it’s still work. I think it’s just us thinking it’s going to be nice just because it has “trip” in it, but it’s just business in another location. I don’t think the family would be too thrilled with how much he is gone or doing something instead hanging out with them on a work trip.
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12:16 Nah, Jamie, you're totally misinterpreting what he's saying. He's saying that, when he's on a _business_ trip where the family comes with, he spends all of the time outside of work hours doing whatever his wife and kids ask of him. As opposed to recovering from the work day and getting ready for the next work day. It also sounds like his wife treats these _business_ trips as vacations and ignores the fact that he's, well, _working._ I'm allowed to work from home 2 days a week, and I still need to remind my husband, "sweetie, no, I can't do that, _I'm working."_ _Edit:_ I'm also assuming OP is _not_ a PDF-file and that he married his wife when she was (1) 21 and (2) not pregnant. Since she's 24 now, that makes their kids no older than 1 and 2 years old. Which means the last time the whole family came along on a business-trip, they had _a baby and a toddler_ in tow. That's a recipe for *_stress_* for both of them, not exactly a vacation.
Agreed. Also, he doesn’t say how intensive these trips are. There may be an expectation that OP should be working in the evening or attending work dinners, etc, which would be difficult to do if the whole family is squished into one room. I think he needs to have a more serious discussion with his wife about why he is hesitant to have the whole family there. He should definitely be giving his wife time away when he returns.
I totally get what you’re saying - I’ve joined my husband on work trips with 2 young kids, and we’re pretty independent. But it was still a nightmare in the end because he was being pulled in all directions. BUT. If my husband had written that about me and our kids I would be fuming. He was bordering on nasty.
@@jdbrown9380 …and as I pointed out in another comment: His wife is 24. Assuming they got married when she was 21, that make their 2 kids between newborn and 3 years old. I'm gonna guess the kids are only 1 year apart, and that OP's wife wasn't pregnant on their wedding day. That means the oldest couldn't be much older than 2 years old. And if they've done this work-trip-vacation thing before with both kids, then the youngest has to be at least 12 months old. But, doesn't it sound, to you, like Jamie and a lot of these comments, and all of the Reddit replies, are assuming the 2 boys are in elementary school? Which would be assuming OP married his wife when she was in high school! I mean, _come ON!_ My feeling is that OP's wife accompanied him on work-trips while they were engaged and during the 1st year they were married, before the kids were born. But now that they have _a baby and a toddler_ in tow, bringing the entire family along on a business-trip is neither practical nor any fun for either of them. ----- My husband had to go on business trips for a week. Like, to Taiwan, for a week. The flight there and back was _exhausting_ and long, he did _nothing_ outside of the work day except sleep and recover for the next day. It _was not_ a vacation. My father also got sent on lots and lots of business-trips. And while they gave him the opportunity to see lots of different places, they weren't always pleasant. He didn't get to "play tourist" so much as be dragged around by the foreign colleagues to various sights during the evenings. He was always glad to be back home. The only business-trip that was anywhere near a vacation was when he was on a 1-week business trip that kept getting extended over and over until he'd been in Austria _for a month._ But his father, my grandfather, emigrated from Austria, and that allowed him to make a strong connection with the Austrian colleagues, who had started inviting him to their homes on the weekends after week-2 had passed. Where the heck was Jamie's mother going on business trips that she was able to bring the whole family? Ireland? Through the Chunnel to France? I doubt it was a 10+ hr. flight to NYC.
Sure, if you’re working from home, you are unavailable to do certain things during your work hours, even though you physically speaking could do them. However, when your workday ends, it’s functionally the same thing as if you’d be physically coming back home from work. When you are off work, you share responsibility for the household. During these business trips, the husband has his work to do, while the wife presumably doesn’t, and as such, if their children come along, it’s her responsibility to look after them while he’s working. When his work is done for the day, they now share the responsibility of looking after their children. Sure, if he ”spends all of the time outside of work hours doing whatever his wife and kids ask of him” while the wife does nothing, then that’s not right either, because they are equally responsible, but it also doesn’t enable him to do nothing. If one parent works while the other takes care of the kids, that’s how it works during the day, but when the working parent comes home, they still have a responsibility to contribute to the household.
@Tinttilina Often time, during a business-trip, you're basically "at-work" except when you're asleep. Also, bringing your spouse and a baby and a toddler along on a business trip sounds like an utter nightmare to me. And lastly, my analogy to working from home: It was to make a point that you _cannot_ expect someone _during their business trip_ to not be working during working hours. Clearly you've never been on a business trip. All I've ever heard from people who go on business trips is, "No, I only saw the inside of my hotel. I didn't exactly have time to plan anything. After working a full day in a foreign country at a foreign office, all I wanted to do was _sleep_ and recover for doing it the next day." Was OP a d%%% in how he described the situation? Absolutely! Do I think his wife is describing him in similar unpleasant terms? Absolutely. I think they're 2 new parents who used to turn his business-trips into vacations before the 2 boys were born, and now with the reality of a baby and a toddler, are both stressed out and overwhelmed.
My dad's job was one of travel, we went as a family a lot of the time. But for ones like OP said, 3 day ones we would not go. By the time you get there it's time to go home, plus on such short trips the adult working has less time to do things. The wife is wanting him to add days onto the trip, meaning work, take days off he may want to save for family trips later, etc. Also, I am single and have no kids, but I feel there must be times that ANYONE wants a couple nights to themselves. I think fairly she should get some of those nights also if OP does of course, but it's normal to want family time, couples time, AND alone time.
5:08 first op is doing an amazing job (I did my MA alongside teaching- i know how hard they're working) I wonder if hubby was main earner in previous job and now isn't
Work trips and family vacations do not mix. The absolute exhaustion and draining interactions leave a lot of people's brains as mush at the end of the day. Quiet time alone is barely enough to recover and be ready for the next day of work (and the extra BS that's demanded of employees on these occasions). Even if you believe in perfectly balanced, 50/50 parenting 24/7, the partner who is there for business often will *not* have the energy or attention to invest anyway. He absolutely needs to communicate with his wife better about this. He absolutely should be checking in with her about her feelings around caretaking and breaks. But work trips are not breaks. Piling more activities on top of it means not being able to enjoy family time and give your kids and partner the attention they deserve. Who wants to be exhausted AND feel miserable for not enjoying time with the people you love because of it? Go on the trip, get it over with in a few days, get back to your family and make plans that allow you to actually devote and enjoy time together.
There's a good chance he'll snap at his family because he's exhausted, and that's not making happy family memories for anyone. They should plan a vacation together where they can share parenting duties equally and both relax a bit.
Maybe op in the second story DID say that he just wanted to spend his work trip alone to relax and just like YOU did, his wife assumed that it meant he hates his family and never wanted to be a parent. What a weird take. The possible outcomes here are: 1) OP is off on a work trip for THREE DAYS and god forbid smokes a little weed in private (so that his kids don’t SEE him doing it) after being at work in a place that isn’t his home, and returns to his family happy to see them after some alone time. Or! 2) He brings his wife and two children on a trip where he KNOWS he won’t have the time to tend to them properly, but will still be EXPECTED to because his wife and kids are not WORKING like he is (and quite frankly it doesn’t really sound like his wife cares that the whole point of the trip is TO WORK), so it doesn’t seem hopeful that he’ll have any of that relaxing time he is clearly looking forward to. Possibly causing even more strain because a 3 day WORK trip was turned into a WEEK+ of work AND sacrificing time he would’ve spent recharging on his own to doing whatever thing his wife can think of to quell the boredom of her being stuck in a hotel she never had to be at in the first place. Mind you, all because his wife is taking his REQUIRED work travel as a personal affront AND proposing to add unnecessary expenses to a tab she’s not paying (company travel comp probably doesn’t cover his family) based on her insecurities. Not to mention the added labor of making sure his whole family is okay away from their regular environment. Some of you people can’t fathom the idea of a person WANTING TO BE ALONE SOMETIMES and wanna villainize them for needing time to themselves. Even parents need time away from their kids. Wanting to be alone sometimes doesn’t mean a person doesn’t love or value their family. ESPECIALLY when the “alone time” is literally having a couple hours to themself ON A BUSINESS TRIP wtf
honestly I don’t think people are addressing the second one properly which like… yeah maybe he’s an asshole for leaving her as a single parent (idk mate I’m not even an adult) but like I don’t think that gives her the right to be sus of him for cheating??
Jamie - you will be a brilliant Dad. You already have a great attitude towards parenting. And you are right - watching TV in peace goes out the window when you have a child! 😊
dude on business trips: one out of three is the whole family, one out of three is he gets the trip to himself and then he cares for the kids at home for a few days while she gets to take a trip, and third out of three they leave the kids with friends or family and travel as a couple (she can do the tourist stuff while you are working then you can have quiet meetings together). Doesn't have to be strictly 1/1/1, but all three should be involved.
He isn't going on vacation. The work trip isn't a nice sight seeing trip. They're harder than the regular work day. The work days are longer and more stressful because everything HAS to be finished before the trip is over. So acting like he's getting a vacation from the kids and should then have to take over the care as soon as he returns is ridiculous.
@@elaexplorer that's not the point. He's abandoning his spouse and kids if he takes those times to himself elverey single time; that's the point. If he's worth anything as a partner, her days are ALSO longer and harder when he is gone and she does NOT get to watch TV and get high for several hours at the end of each of them to be ready for the next one. He can have that some of the time, but other times he is going to have to take care of the kids because she has been wrangling them on sightseeing trips all day or go do ONE THING with her during the time they get without the kids. That's the deal: have a kid, commit to not getting your me-time all the times you would like it for the next 18 years. full stop.
@@waffles3629 Literally yes lmao People who have such vanishing work lives like this should not have kids if their happiness is in getting away from them.
My dad goes on work trips and depending on what peoject he's working on he will go more frequently than othe projects. For a short period he was going once a month for a few days. Me and my mum would never go with him though and never have done. Hes been doing these trips since i was a young child. Hes exhausted after them because the days become longer when you are away. Especially since he often goes out for dinner with his bosses, colleagues, clients etc as well. This means he often doesnt get back to the hotel room till 20:30 to 21:00. Once he gets back all he wants to do is get his oyjamas on and watch TV for a couple of hours before he goes to sleep. Then its up the next day, having breakfast at 8am and then out again till 9pm. That would be a lot for anyone. It would be worse with us in tow. We would see him less than we do at home. It would be stressful for him. There would just be no point. So i totally understand where OP is coming from. He does say that he takes his family on some of them. Of course, we dont know how long his work day would be but from what ive seen, most work trips end up being like my own dads. Thr couple really need to sit down and have a chat. They need to talk about what the average day would be like for him when he is on work trips and therefore get her to understand that it is not appropriate to be doing holiday things as well. It is also a big expense to tirn a 3 day work trip into a week away. It would be better if they booked an actual holiday where they could all be together and relax (as much as you can with 2 kids lol). As for her not trusting him, thats another thing they need to sit down and talk about, why would she immediately jump to him cheating on her or something? There seems to be a backstory there that we dont know about. If hes had an affair before then i can understand the not trusting but i think some marriage councelling may also even need to come into this.
Neurodivergent person here who totally understands the need for a solo work trip to solely focus on work but also understands the thrill of making a family vacation out of it because growing up that’s the only way my parents could ever afford to travel with us (my brother and sister and I) and we really enjoyed and treasured every opportunity because it was only once or twice a year at most if that so we always made the most of things whenever we could as a result.
With the work trip one, my dad used to travel a lot for work trips when my sis and i were kids and preferred to go on his own with us he preferred going alone. I do based on his experience get why my dad would not want to bring along the family and to focus on work. the biggest thing for him is his work trips were fundamentally different from his regular work making it harder to parent while working during those days and more efficient/less stressful to get it over with and come home to us relieved its over. More details: He said when he travelled it was usually for specific reasons/events like conferences and meeting coworkers he usually doesn't see irl and didnt have much time to relax, it wasn't a vacation alone for him and he didn't do many of the "tourist things". he did however occasionally scope out or ask around about places to take the family as a separate trip in the future while there and would make the trip as a family. (some of said places are still on our list or he went with my mom without us "kids" when we were in college/beyond and told us he would give an itinerary to go with our future families). He also once or twice had us plan our vacation for right after one of his trips so he would get there first, work a few days, then have us arrive though that was less feasible. All this said either it sounds like the guy in the story is not like that or didn't explain it well. It sounded from the stories like he is doing about the same amount of work there and is finding time to do tourist things on his own/with coworkers. it sounds like as you said an excuse to solo travel/ break from parenting. Tbf I don't see much wrong about wanting that but he needs to explain that to his family. A-hole/ need more info/ needs to communicate better
also wife is kinda borderline ahole for making assumptions of suspicious behavior from this, but we dont know their relationship or the context so its possible she has more reason for suspicion than we know, or is primed to question it based on it having happened to someone she knows.
Plasma donation pays more than blood donation because the process is even less pleasant. Looked into it but my fear of needles stopped me cold because just reading about it almost made me pass out.
Bringing the whole family on a work trip? No thanks. Now you have to add to an intense work related situation by being on the family's entertainment committee for what little time you have to not be in meetings or in presentations. The only way it would be tolerable would be if the family stayed at some resort for the majority of the time and you could join them for a few days after the work trip concluded. Otherwise it would be like working two jobs simultaneously.
as someone who travels for work fairly often, being on work travel is not like being on vacation and it’s also definitely not like doing a regular work week in a different location. when I’m on travel, I’m doing whatever I’m traveling for during normal business hours and then I’m doing as much of my day-to-day job as possible in the “off” time so I don’t fall behind. And then there’s always at least one work dinner or something. if OP’s work travel is anything like mine, the idea that he wants a family-free work trip so he can relax while his wife carries the load is offensive. I think Jaime really missed the mark here in understanding the workload imbalance here. In this scenario, the wife is on vacation while the husband’s responsibilities are doubled.
6:12 They take the blood, seperate the plasma and then return the blood cells. You can get paid for it, and it is used to save lots of lives. Because the red blood cells are returned, you can donate plasma much more often than you can blood.
My dad used to travel for work, but we always stayed behind for financial reasons. He was heartbroken that we couldn't come with him. If he had been leaving us behind so he could eat fries in his underwear, I would've been deeply offended.
I recognize this situation. It is not about the financial cost of grad school.But what about the wife would then have a pay increase, and a status increase of a graduate degree. It's a threat to chauvinistic superiority over a wife.Then that is the concern, i'm ninety five percent sure.
For the last story, not only will the MIL get worse if not confronted and/or restriced when it comes to info, the husband will never stand up to her and THAT will get worse. In my previous relationship my male partner was the same, I had to be the one to say things and he never took accontability for opinions WE both had because he did not want to mess up the relationship with his mom. When I ended it with him I vowed to never be in that position again. There is a risk of you being the villain in every situation and that is not fun at all.
12:05 He's saying that if he brought his family on the work trip, they would take over the trip and he wouldn't be able to get his work done. They would be expecting him to do vacation stuff instead of working and feel disappointed he wasn't doing more activities with them. I used to travel for work, and it is a work trip, there isn't time to sightsee or anything like that. Work trips usually have longer hours and having to sneak into your hotel room to not wake your family would make it so much worse. I know after spending 12 hours trying to fix a problem with the data, all I want to do is veg out to a late night tv. He'd just have to sneak in, maybe take a shower if it wasn't too loud and try to sleep without being able to wind down from the day. He'd get no break for the whole trip and be horrible to work or live with.
Call me crazy but like, if I had a partner who wanted to vacation on his own once in a while, I’d be fine with that. Like sometimes you just wanna do your own thing by yourself. Especially if it’s a work trip, if he goes with his family, that’s less time he’s spending on work, and it’s added stress for getting his work done on time. Married or not, kids or not, I think it’s okay to want time to yourself. That being said, the way OP is explaining it, that’s where I disagree with OP. Don’t get me wrong there.
I think in the first one it could be considered that if they are located in the US, graduate school tuition is insanely expensive. Like even more expensive that the crazy prices for an undergraduate degree. So if that degree costs enough to affect the family income significantly, that could be a factor.
Even still, since she's very close to graduating and it would likely increase her future earnings, I think it would make more sense for her to finish the program unless they are very strapped for cash. But even still, maybe she could consider attending part time rather than dropping out completely.
Story 2) There is a difference between the work of parenting generally, and being the one parent (or one of two parents) organizing vacationing. People who're not working see the vacation as a whole day activity it's cool to wear yourself out with. People who're working - the work exhausts you already, you don't have a full evening of energy left to do vacation stuff. I think it would be fine if the family was along and did stuff during the day but weren't in full vacation mode in the evening, but it's not fine if they're demanding he do vacation stuff when he's home. It doesn't sound like he's being given the choice about the amount of effort invested in making someone else have fun while you're on a work trip. I also think your job, Jamie, while being a real job that does involve lots of effort - is also a passion project and probably not as draining as most people find the daily grind on a job they don't like so much as have to do.
I feel like the work trip thing depends a lot on the kind of work as well. My husband's work trips are very like office and meetings all day and maybe drinks/sightseeing in the evening if he's lucky. My work trips as an author are often talks and visiting schools and book shops etc, so bringing my family (if not at work/school) would be way easier and a totally different deal.
the guy saying he doesn't want to do a family vacation on a work trip, it sounds like him and his wife have done all of this together multiple times, and she's the "has to do all of them every time." his wording was poor, but I can see if you go to say Seattle four times a year not wanting to do all of the tourist things every time, instead maybe doing it and arrange the tourist things on the days you are already there for work, I get not wanting to spend a week there instead of the planned 2 days
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12:00 That sounds great to you but to have a healthy work life balance you gotta separate business and pleasure sometimes. Work is not vacation, and it can absolutely have the opposite effect when you start treating it like it is. 12:53 he sounds tired, I don't understand why that's not being picked up on. 13:21 But you only have your wife. And adult relatives you're not responsible for. OP has young kids. And he shouldn't be parenting AT WORK. I'm assuming he does care for his kids at home. This is not the time. It sounds exhausting exhausting. Edit: man these comments, classic reddit micro managing. I'm sorry but your conclusion also does not have any empathy on OPs side. He just doesn't sound like this is good for him and he's anxious on how to approach this topic with his wife who sounds accusatory. Instead of receiving advice he's essentially being told to suck it up because everyone is acting like they're the perfect family husband and want him to be so too. That includes you.
Agreed! Also, nobody seems to be picking up on the fact that his wife would be _stuck in a hotel room_ with 2 small children _by herself_ and without any of the social support network that she has back home. Doesn't sound like dragging the family along on a _WORK trip_ is going to be more relaxing for her to me.
@@John_Weiss exactly. And that she would expect him to do everything after the work day was over, even though there's a very good chance he'd have been doing work stuff for 12+ hours and just need to eat dinner and go to bed.
Agree. I have kids, and I’ve had to do trips for work. The idea of my spouse and kids coming with sounds awful. Work trips aren’t vacations. Yes, there can be a little time for exploring around, but it’s for WORK. And I am sorry, but those moments where, as a parent, you get a quiet chunk of time to actually mentally power down? That is priceless. My partner is supportive, and I do carve out opportunities for them to get downtime when possible. But I can’t imagine having to juggle a work event while in “vacation mode” attitude for the family. Those are not mindsets that go well together. At least one end of that is going to take a hit.
@@emmaprice3740 THIS! So many people don't seem to Get It. Was this guy a douchecanoe in his AITA post? Sure! But everyone has been latching onto that and _completely ignoring the basic fact:_ Work-Trips. Are. _NOT._ a. Vacation! Work-Trips are _ADDED_ stress. I saw it with my husband. I saw it with my father. And you're describing _the SAME thing_ that they always did.
As a person who just finished pharmacy school I can attest that it's hard on a marriage/ your spouse. I am a huge fan of marriage counseling. It made a huge difference when I did make more of an effort to be more present with my husband when we were able to spend time together. And his attitude improved when I reminded him that I needed him and was grateful for all the things that he was doing to help with the household. Even if you expect your person to do those things it is nice to not have to worry that those things might not get done. Often we forget to tell our people that we count on them and it really does decrease our stress to be able to.
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Sideline - also with being an educator (early childhood, primary school, high school, university, etc) has *so* many transferable skills that can set you up for a plethora of job opportunities. So, in saying that they're "selfish" is wild to me. I come from an educator background and when I was involved in 3 serious motor vehicle accidents (the other drivers were at fault before you come for me) and left disabled. I was lucky that the education and skill set i had was such that it had lots of *transferable* skills that meant i was able to get jobs in totally different fields and still gain an income. That is something I considered when doing all the extra study as well as on the job training and experience. As you never know what can happen in life or where it will take you and having back up plans is always a great option to have. The fact he deems her extra study, on top of being a parent and also working full time (i too worked full time and studied at uni at night. It was exhausting) to better themselves and to enable them to have more job opportunities down the line, is bonkers to me. I would assume she's doing uni part time on top of working a full-time job. That in itself is a *lot*, let alone parenting and now being the "bread winner." Be grateful (especially in these times) that she has a job when you, the husband, have lost yours. What if she had been a sahm? What if she didn't have the skill set to get a decently paid job to help out when husband lost his job? Maybe she can defer her studies and get some extra tutor work while this is happening as a compromise? But then again, why should she when he should be actively looking for anything he can get (just for now) to help them through this tough period? There's a couple of options they could do that don't mean she has to give up study entirely. And if he can't get something at the moment for whatever reason, is he picking up the slack at home as she is again, working full-time, studying and parenting as well as doing her share of household tasks i assume? Asking your beloved partner to give up on their dream is selfish when there are other solutions. I also agree with a lot of what Jamie said.
I fully agree. If it's a money thing, then deferring and finding a part time job (while he is also looking for any opportunities he can find) would be completely understandable. But if they are still getting by, I don't see what the problem is with her continuing her studies.
15:31 but why did he have two kids, knowing he would get less-verry little free time and then complaining. Kids are annoying and needy, he knew that before having them. Thats a choice YOU made. Im not having kids because i like peace and quiet. Thats the choice i made, because i want to live a certain lifestyle.
Mixing work and vacation sounds rather unhealthy to me. They could do a half-and-half where he spends a few days on his trip alone and then the family joins while he has time off. But just "coming along" sounds like a terrible idea. The guy will be exhausted all day, not being able to keep up with the plans of the wife, and the wife (and kids) will be annoyed that dad has to work "during vacation". If they do join him while he works, they really need to be clear about expectations.
Also, if his family often joins him on work trips, but he wants to take this one alone, I think that's fair. It's unrealistic for his family to join him on every work trip if he has to travel a lot.
Yep. I'm really getting the impression it would end up being "Dad neglected the vacation in order to work". Which is absurd seeing as it's a work trip.
Re: Dad who wants to go on work trip without bringing the wife and kids, maybe he's an introvert. Introverts need alone time, even when we are parents. It doesn't mean we don't love our kids. I do agree that he shouldn't just assume his wife is always willing and able to take on all the childcare at all times.
It also depends on work trip, how much free time there is. My typical work trips don't include much free time. After long day (longer than normal work day), I still might need to prepare for next day and rest to be able to succeed next day. Typically, I have no energy or time to do any touristy things. I might want to extend the stay and make it holiday afterwards. Having family (I don't have family though) there during work days sounds too much.
It's crazy to me how quickly these reddit comments and Jamie IN a way were quick to point the finger at him and expect him to act according to their preferences. Like it's not like he's neglecting his family give the man some alone time? He's not even relaxing because he's WORKING.
Yeah nah? My mother in law is an introvert, when she’s been having to be social for a long time she needs to recharge alone for a bit You can communicate and ask for that in ways that are “sorry honey you just can’t come (because I want to sit in the hotel room and smoke some… stuff…)” that’s sketch as hell He is the asshole.
I have relatives who travel for work and have families. It's definitely a balancing act and there are going to be times you have to turn down a job you'd like to do for the sake of your loved ones. That's when you have to decide if your job or family is more important. I'd go with family but that's just me.
I get wanting Work Trips and Vacations to be separate, since mixing could make it feel like you're ignoring your family on a vacation when you go do the work on the work trip. Maybe after the work trip stay there and get them to fly out and start your vacation.
Did she mention how much she was paying for grad school? Edit to add: It sounds like there’s a lot of information missing. Is he covering all housing, food, transportation expenses while she uses her whole salary to pay for tuition? We don’t know.
There was no mention of the amount. She is working full time so is likely covering those fees herself. If it was a matter of money then leaving her program near the end would just be throwing a lot of money down the drain. Most academic fees are non refundable.
@ A person can take a leave of absence if they need to and still come back to the program. It’s not throwing any money down the drain to do that. Grad school isn’t just academic fees, which are usually minimal. Tuition is what accounts for most of the expense. There was no mention of her taking out any student loans. Tuition for one year of grad school usually costs more than a kindergarten teacher makes in a year.
The first story feels like we didn't properly get the husband's reasoning, either because OP doesn't know it or didn't include it. I agree that the most likely reason is that the husband doesn't like the idea that his wife is more accomplished than him, but it's also possible that there is missing context that would make his position more rational. I just feel like something's missing.
Hi, first time watcher here and this video came up in recommendations. I really enjoyed your video here and yeah, good points on those stories. Sometimes I wonder why men get married if they're going to treat the wife and kids like the old ball and chain.
I live in a REALLY beautiful part of the country and my girlfriend lives 4 hours away (she co-parents with her ex gf really well and both of our children have special needs and neither are in mainstream so relocating isnt possible for either of us right now so she splits her time 50/50 each week) and there's this one road that takes you right along the Jurassic Coast and your effectively just inland off the cliffs so you look right out over the sea and can see all the countryside ahead of you as you go downhill a lot of the way. It is STUNNING, it's my favourite road in the UK and I was SO EXCITED the fiest time I got to show it to her. I don't understand why this international traveller as part of his job isnt excited to share where he's been and what he's seen with his wife and children??!!! If it was a question of "Im sorry sweetie Ive got back to back meetings and these are new clients I just wont have any time to spend with you...not this time" I would totally understand but he literally says he just wants to watch telly by himself. This dude doesnt sound ready for marriage and a family!!!!!
Speaking from the perspective of someone who doesn’t have or want kids I’m totally on board with the Dad using his business trips to have some alone time, but I wholeheartedly agree that the mother also deserves a break from the family and he needs to make sure that happens.
I came out but instead of saying transgender i just said trans so i have to explain but i have to wait until my mums boyfriend is gone for a bit i know this is unrelated but oh well
Hmm... I'm trying to think of how to best word this and I'm sure it won't come across right... but I actually think that OP #2 is NTA... like... not even a little bit. Let me ATTEMPT (probably not very well) to explain why... 1) If this has been what he does for work since before meeting his wife then for better or worse she knew what he did and that there are times he would need to leave for work. (Meaning, either she was good with it or even tried to get him to do something different but was still keen to marry and have children with him even when he said he wouldn't change careers). 2) I can absolutely understand the frustration of being somewhere because you have to be and it taking longer than it needs to because you are not just expected to take care of your kids but take care of your kids in a "we're on vacation" aspect...while you are supposed to be working. 3) If a he, she or they had any sort of "regular - 9 to 5" type of job and their spouse or partner took their kids and expected them to hang out with the family while they are at work (again causing things that need to get done to take longer than it should) the person who was at work would probably get frustrated about that as well and no one would think they were tah for it because in that time what they are doing for their family is making money for them to live. Regardless of if you are someone who would like your family to travel with you or not OP not wanting his family at work with him all the time is not an unreasonable thing to ask. Now... I DO think that with having a job that allows OP to travel to great places that it should absolutely be discussed about OCCASSIONALLY extending the trip because it's gonna be a good experience for the kids and a good time for family bonding that a lot of families just don't get because they can't afford it. but no... he's NTA for not wanting his family to go on every single work trip..... and yes, obviously I do think that they both need to make sure that his wife is getting the rest she needs. It's definitely a conversation they need to have... like depending on the kids ages maybe sometimes even see about leaving the kids with a grandparent (if ones live near enough) and go just the 2 of them for just a couple days. I think there are ways to make it more fair for everyone... Yeah I don't know if I'm making sense so I'll just stop there but hopefully you kinda get what I'm trying to say...
I’m grad school is very expensive. So I can see a situation where they can’t afford the school right now. Or they can struggle for about another year and then be in a much better position.
Regarding the father who doesn't want his family on a work trip: Something you didn't address are the wife's suspicions. I wonder where those come from. Could be that she's a controlling, jealous person and that's why she insists on coming to those trips. He claims his marriage is strong but if she gets suspicious about work trips, either that's because he's being shady/has had affairs in the past or because she has trust issues. Either way - not a sign of a healthy relationship to me. I think if he's an involved father who makes sure his wife gets time off too after she had to take care of their kids on her own for three days, they go on vacation outside of those trips and he's honest about what he does on those trips, he's NTA. If he never takes them on vacation, regularly leaves his wife to take care of the kids alone and/or barely spends time with the kids on his own or if he is omitting the true reason his wife is suspicious, he's a huge AH.
Don't forget to go to squarespace.com/jammidodger to get a free trial and 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. And then go to shaabaandjamie.com to get your free calendar download 💛
Thank You! I got my calendar.
Why does it not work for me :((
It says the site is private when I try to go on it?
@@max_max1413 same
Yeah, the trans meme calendar link doesn't work :(
I think the husband’s line of logic in that first post is that: “OP is doing something they are enjoying, while I’m over here struggling to have a job. They are so selfish for enjoying something.” It’s not OP being selfish, but just the husband being jealous that OP is doing better that he is.
That, and the husband's sexist
@@joypomeroy1452 that's my thought.
@@joypomeroy1452 I'm reminded of what reactionary men think of women in higher education, given recent events. This despite women having outnumbered men in higher education for years now, and the gap continuing to widen.
Yep. Husband is jealous. Doesn't want her to have a masters because he doesn't have one, maybe?
In the USA a masters program can cost >10k a quarter (this was mine and it was one of the cheapest programs in the country for my area of grad study). So it’s not an easy sacrifice to make, especially if one partner is out of work. Very few people can afford to pay this out of pocket so most likely they are racking up debt to complete this program. I still think NTA but I don’t see many people talking about this point.
"what is plasma donation?" *cries in American*
They take your blood, separate the plasma in a centrifuge and give you back your red cells, and give you some money. Between $20 and $100 where I live. I would guess the average amount is $40.
It's not great for your health and illegal in some places, I found out it's illegal in Australia and a Australian runs the place I go to. So they came here to literally resell the blood of the poor to both hospitals as well as rich people who want to do weird skin care routines.
Yep 😢
@@mitochondria558why would they give you back a _part_ of your blood? I'd rather donate all of it, and regenerate it
@@Giuliana-w1f I'm pretty sure it's because you can donate more if they give you back the blood without plasma cells.
@@miekewriteswithyou5889that doesn't sound healthy
I'm autistic and get not being able to focus on family and a work trip at the same time (I wouldn't be able to!)
But he could have presented it better! 😬 And he could definitely put in the extra effort to give his wife some time off when he gets back!
He won't.
But he doesn't have to, that's the point. He can take them and then work, and they can do their own vacationy things.
@@sarajuvey but that wouldn't work for me that's what I'm saying. If I had a family like that I would wish that it could but it just wouldn't.
I'd be happy to spend other times with them or take them on special trips though so it seems odd that he doesn't try to have special moments with them in other ways.
Growing up my dad had regular business trips abroad(typically at least once a month), we never went with him. Between the conferences and traveling, he'd be quite peopled out, so not really in a state to actually enjoy a vaction with others. Instead he'd do stuff like watch TV in his hotel, go on a bicycle ride if he brought his suitcase bike, or go shopping for foodstuff and/or souvenirs for me and my sister such as belguim waffles for me every time he went to Belguim because they were my favourite. Theoretically it could have probably worked as a "we do our own things on the days you work" and then only do family stuff after the business stuff if he's up to it, with the business trip as a way to make the travel costs cheaper.
What concerns me more is the idea the trips are "secret". The 2 ways I could think to interpret this is he's being skecthy about when/where the trip are, and/or she's suspicous what he's doing/who he's meeting during these trips, i.e. an affair, both of which are major issues that would need to be adressed if present.
My parents were very transparent to each other over these trips; they did a lot of coordinating over meals and other tasks around them, they called each other every evening to check up, and we know one time one of his coworkers tried to have an affair with him because he told my mum about a weird conversation he had and my mum figured out the woman was trying and failing to flirt with him.
+1 the issue isn’t wanting downtime the issue is not saying explicitly “I will need downtime alone this trip”
Maybe he worries about the smoking and that’s why the sneaky vibes come out. Either way direct communication is key
Travel trip story - oh absolutely not! I did foreign trips for work and I was 100% focused on my job during the work week since I had so much to accomplish in a very short period of time. My days were never less than 12 hrs and could be 15 hrs a day. I did not travel in tourist areas. On the weekends I traveled to a new location (my trips were 3 weeks long). Having anyone with me would be very disruptive. Family would expect attention and I would be unable to give it. There’s no holiday, there’s no 9 to 5. It’s intense and grueling.
But that's not what this guy said. He said, 1, he's seen all the touristy thing a million times, ie, he HAS tons of downtime on his work trips, and, 2, he just wants to sit in the hotel room and watch TV, again, if he was working 16-hour days he'd be sleeping the rest, not hanging out and relaxing in the hotel room.
The few work trips i have been on have never allowed me enough time to do more than have a quick dinner, then go to bed. The days are long and filled with so many people. Most would not have allowed me to bring my spouse either. As an introverted person i am so done at the end of these days.
Work trips leave me catatonic. I’m working or unconscious. How on earth would there be time for taking a family on a work trip. Work trips involve a hell of a lot of work.
Right! A work trip has me so wrungout by the end, plus I am a firm believer in separating work and life to maintain work/life balance.
Jammi is showing a very young naive and privileged take. :/
Like, if it is serious work with stressful meetings, how am I supposed to have the strength to be a good partner or parent. Also...if his job is that good then they might have a nanny and/or good child care, so she might not be on duty 24/7 :/
It also seemed like he had taken his fam before, but I cld b mistaken.
Idk, I can't tell if this guy is the asshole without all the rest of the context.
Seems like rich ppl problems to me :/
And that's me being an asshole.
@@UrsaMajor1924 I think he is just more introverted for people he isn`t close with but doesn`t get tired if it`s his family
completely agree! I *would not* be able to handle both at once!
he should definitely hear his wife though and step it up when he gets back so she can get some time to herself
But OP has been able to do loads of sightseeing during his worktrips...
As someone with a long history of infertility and pregnancy struggles, I would be FURIOUS if anyone announced my pregnancy before I was ready. Not only is that my news to share when I choose, but the fear of a pregnancy loss is so strong and a very real thing. I will be having my son in less than a month now, but it took years of trying to get to that point and to this day I am still afraid something will happen and I will lose him. The woman in story 3 says she's JUST at the end of her first trimester, I can personally relate to how terrified she must be for the health and viability of her pregnancy. MIL is SO out of line.
1st story - NTA - why in the world would she leave a grad program for temporary financial hardship when the grad program is beneficial in the future...
2nd story - He needs to communicate that he needs a break. If he is otherwise an involved father, it would be fine BUT COMMUNICATE!! It does sound like he doesn't like having kids. I would be annoyed as a wife if my husband was away so much and didn't give me the same opportunity.
3rd Story - 100% NTA - husband needs to find a spine. If she doesn't respect this, she won't respect them as parents. He needs to put his foot down.
Ngl the first story is 100% NTA/NTD to me.
Because she’s doing the program not only because she loves it, but for better finacial gain in the future, and is still working full time as a teacher…. Like hello? She’s not being lazy or whenever her husband said imo.
So I guess I do agree with you, just more aggressively agree that the OP in the first story is NTA
Work trip guy: As a parent, I appreciate the joys of an evening to yourself, but unless his partner has the same opportunity, it's unfair. He should probably discuss this with her honestly rather than seeking advice online. 🤦🏻♀️
As someone who travels internationally for work, it would be so difficult to take my family on the trips. Between the long days, jetlag, and often having to be "on" at meetings all day, I can't imagine having to then manage my family in the evening. I am often just exhausted, zone out on stupid tv, eat in my room and go to bed early. I am not running away from my family, but it isn't easy to manage a family in a hotel. I couldn't imagine trying to deal with the work and my family wanting me to engage in the evenings.
That's completely fair! But I think the issue is with OP's framing. OP seems to have a fair amount of downtime with his work travel and his issue seems to be that he can't go back to his bachelor times when he didn't have to manage a family around his work. Even with the sightseeing, the post made it sound like the problem was seeing sights he'd already been to, not that it would be difficult to manage around his work. That it's harder to watch TV with his sons around.
Parents left at home alone with the kids feel the same way you do. It's just as hard to look after your children 24/7 than it is to work. It's still work. 24/7 parents need breaks to. Just because that parent is at home doesn't mean it's easier. Having a demanding career is just as hard as childcare.
@@LeslieVonZuben nobody said otherwise? i dont understand your point
@@ferninthehouse responding to the story like everyone else....my point is my opinion.
You shouldn't have a family then.
Work trips can be so intense and it sounds like this is a trip where OP knows he needs some peace after a workday. I get why someone would prefer to just do the work, go back to the hotel and decompress for certain trips. Especially since he is usually fine with them joining, I don't think he's making an exception to this trip for no reason. If the wife isn't happy with him leaving home for three days multiple times, that is a valid but very different conversation.
My BIL works in IT. All of the companies that he has worked at that have paid for him to go conferences have had scheduled “company bonding time” events around the conference activities. They literally schedule them to be at classes/the event or involved in “company bonding time” events for 12+ hours daily. That wouldn’t work for bringing the family along.
He does say that he can get his work done and be back in three days as opposed to a week with his family. I doubt his company is covering all his expenses for the family trip, so it not only takes more time but increases cost. I understand his wife wanting to go, but it might be better financially for him to go by himself and just get the job done. Really there isn't enough information to tell if his wife is expecting too much, or if OP is being unreasonable.
I understand why he doesn't want his family with him on a work trip. He is NTA. Work trips can be intense, and this is not a vacation. He is not abandoning his family and wife, he is going to work.
@@HennaHuu Sorry, but no. He says multiple times in the post that he basically hates being a parent and is happy to get away from it and takes his work trips as his opportunity to do so. He is TA all day every day.
Yeah I thnk he's just doing a poor job explaining this and mayve doesn't even realise that's what it is.
Work trip story: a vacation, or even just a trip, is also disruptive to the kids! Mom and kids are losing hours of time and focus to do things like pack suitcases, travel (internationally, so presumably pretty intense travel), acquire food (no home fridge and kitchen), get accustomed to a new room, and probably one where everyone is sharing instead of everyone having their own spaces. Their routines are disrupted, everything is more difficult because it’s unfamiliar, it sounds EXHAUSTING. And it also sounds like mom is expecting dad to help parent an equal amount AS HER ON THE TRIP, which is more than either of them would be doing at home, plus the EXTRA work he’s doing on the business trip (always more than a normal workload, again plus the mental exhaustion of a new office and unfamiliar coworkers etc etc etc.)
If the dad were working very frequently (eg one week a month, or every other month for the full month) in the same location for an extended period, it might be feasible to split the whole family between the two locations - get an extended rental in the second location and everyone lives there together for the week/month for the duration of the project. No sightseeing, no vacation, just living normal life in two cities. That seems reasonable, if difficult to pull off.
But turning every business trip into a VACATION where you do VACATION THINGS on top of normal work expectations is insane.
Regarding the work trip story: I don't have kids either, but I do struggle with the thought of my partner joining me while I'm on a work trip - not because I don't like to see him, but because I would feel horribly guilty not being able to join him, and leaving him on his own in a strange place. My work trips tend to be very tiring, so I don't normally feel up to doing touristy stuff after, and I would feel like I was disappointing him. It would feel like he was just waiting around for me to be done. My preferred solution would be to leave on the trip a few days early, or return a few days late, and have my partner join me for those days. That way, we can share being in a nice place and get in some quality time either before or after work takes over, and I can fully focus on my work without felling terrible about leaving him on his own.
But it’s not a vacation. It would be a “vacation“ where he hast to work. If I’m going on a trip with my family I would want it to be an actual trip to focus on them. He can’t do that because he is working. It’s a work trip.
Yeah he worded it stupidly, but I get what he's saying lol. I think it would be completely fine for my husband to say he wants his trip to just be work this time. Kids add so much complexity to EVERYTHING. Bringing them on every work trip sounds a bit ridiculous tbh. It's half a vacation and half work and you really don't get to fully dive into either one.
yeah i can understand wanting to keep the two separate. tbh going on "vacation" with younger kids isn't really a vacation at all because of the logistics of packing, planning, wrangling the children. i would imagine trying to do all that while also being responsible for work duties would be immensely stressful.
Yeah. Agree. And it doesn’t sound like he does those trips often. I had a dad who traveled for work quite a bit, and it wasn’t reasonable for us to tag along because 95% of the trips were to super remote places that barely had any hotels around. It was difficult for mom and dad did get a break, however he also earned enough money for us to live a good lower middle class life.
He shouldn’t be longing for a quiet hotel room etc if he can’t provide the same for his partner though. Like both are right in this, and if he gives her time to be a person outside of parenthood then this is a non-issue
It literally does not matter because his entire focus and framing is around him being able to disappear and not worry about having kids while his wife has to deal with said kids without them. Her being so much younger is not an ignorable factor in this. He did that on purpose. Trapped the poor girl.
@goated_daveblunts No, it is not understandable, because he thinks he deserves free time away from his family, which is deranged. You can't take time off being a dad. Especially since he's leaving his poor wife with the kids he finds so annoying. He does not like his kids and does not respect his wife. She is not free daycare and should not be expected to do it all by herself whenever he fcuks off. Him mentioning wanting to be alone watching TV gave it away.
The second story: Idk, I think there's a ton of nuance here. Personally, I would get horribly distracted if I brought my spouse with me on a work trip, nevermind two boys on top of that. Even when there's dedicated work time, I'd kind of always have my head in another space.
He also says that he DOES bring his family on some trips. I think that's what he means by tourist-y things. I didn't take that as he does tourist-y things when he's on his own during the work trips, but because they become vacations. I think he might be speaking broadly, that wherever they go they do the typical tourist-y things.
I understand why he would just want to chill out after the day's over. I get exhausted sometimes after my usual work day when I'm in and out of meetings or training people, or constantly answering questions from teammates. It doesn't sound like he hates his family or he's being suspicious. It just sounds like he gets overstimulated and dealing with people is exhausting.
Given that she's 24, I'm assuming that they've been married for 3 years, which means the 2 boys are a baby and a toddler.
So it's not like those kids are even gonna remember any of those touristy things.
My dad went on deployment almost every other year. Obviously, I understand that me and mom couldn't come with him because, like, da? But then he always got bothered that my mom had adjusted to life as a single parent. Because yeah, she was married on paper. But in practice, she was a single parent.
13:08 I'm really torn on this one. Like part of me is like: hell yeah, I'd love to bring my hubby everywhere and get to vacation all the time, but also: every worktrip (paid by the work) turns into a huge personal expense? And also, does wife respect the fact that husband is NOT technically on vacation while he is working, so he might not be down for all vaccationy things?
That's what I was thinking. He is going there for work, and maybe his family doesn't let him get his work done. I don't know the full situation, but it could go both ways.
That’s what I was thinking too. Like do them coming distract from work. And being on a vacation isn’t relaxing, it is much more taxing than being at home and taking care of kids at home
I really wanted some more information on that too. To me it seemed that the family has been travelling with him a lot and when he didn't want it one time, it was immediately an issue, which sounds pretty unreasonable. He also said that if the family travels, a two or three days trip has to be extended to week, which to me sounds like extra days off and/or doing more work when back.
I agree with the other commentor above, that travelling for vacation is more work than just staying home. It also could be that it takes a lot more time/energy when working away than working at your regular site.
Also, what is the wife doing, if she can just travel so often? If she is a stay at home mum, the childcare can't be divided equally in any case and not all jobs can provide for a family of four with a single salary. I feel like Jamie's commentary relied heavily on stereotypes of him being automatically an absent dad, but I don't think there was enough information to make that assumption.
I have the same thoughts as you but based on how OP’s said everything, it’s not hard to read between the lines here and see that he views these trips as an escape from his family (which everyone needs, fair enough) and isn’t affording his much younger wife the same luxury.
That might not be the case, but from what he’s said it’s pretty likely and it’s definitely how he’s presented it.
I got engaged in September on a Monday. I arranged to travel home on the Friday to tell people. We called my mam on Wednesday and told her, told her nobody else knew and that I was coming home to tell people.
I got home and asked her if my brother was home because I didn't want to talk about it in the house if he was there. She told me he already knew. Then she told me he knew. I said I wanted to wait until my sisters arrived and tell them all together. She told me my sisters already knew. Then I said atleast I could tell one of bridesmaids and she said "Well you might want to talk to [bridesmaids mother] because she knows".
I only got to announce my engagement to one of my friends and my fiancé's family. Everyone on my side knew before I got to them. I lost out on the excitement of telling everyone.
Closest I have come to telling someone else about someone close to me they were pregnant was my mom when she was pregnant with my brother. They did not want to tell anyone yet, and I almost told my Grandparents (my mom's parents). But I caught myself and didn't, and I was 8 almost 9.
I used to go on "work trips" with my dad all the time.
Of course, he's a long-haul trucker, so it was really just hanging out with him in the truck. Which is awesome for a kid
OMG I totally feel for the woman on the pregnancy announcement. I was pregnant ONE time in my life, and decided to tell my mom soon after I found out. I thought that since we were going to my cousin's bachelorette party, that would be something she could keep to herself, as the night was supposed to be about my cousin. But after immediately having me call my dad and tell him as soon as we got in the car, when we got to the party, she pulled my aunt to the side and told her behind my back. She and my aunt then insisted that we tell my cousin, and then it was announced to all these strangers. Well, a few weeks later, I miscarried. At my cousin's wedding, her MIL asked me how I was feeling, because she thought I was still pregnant. So awkward. I'm 39 now, and it doesn't look like pregnancy will be a possibility for me (because of medical reasons) but if I ever did get pregnant again, I would NOT tell my mom!!!
Short answer: no
Long answer: hell no
my dad went on regular work trips when i was a kid, and my family almost never went with him. he and my mom would travel together a lot before i was born, but she stopped going after we have kids. not because my dad didnt want to spend time with us, but because they knew that me and my brother wouldnt enjoy it. we werent old enough to understand what was going on, and it didnt make sense to drag us along to trips we wouldnt enjoy. once we were old enough to understand what was going on, wed join him from time to time. but if the kids are fairly young, its very possible they wont get enough out of the trip to make it worth it for either parent to deal with traveling with young kids
I have a friend whose job requires her to go on work trips a lot. She misses her husband whenever she goes on them alone, but she knows that she won't always have the energy to make it "work and vacation at the same time". Family vacation trips may be fun, but it's also a big energy investment, energy she may not have after the actual work and the "not technically work" stuff, like having drinks with the bosses, she is expected to do on these trips. Leaving her either too stresses to actually enjoy the vacation and to tired to put all her energy into the work she is supposed to be there for, or she and her husband basically just end up having two seperate trips at the same time barely seeing eachother anyways. I can only imagine this would be even worse with two kids.
i think its telling jamie's perspective about the work trip thing is from his experiences of that sort of thing as a kid. Family vacations and work trips are each two of the most stressful thing in the world, i couldn't imagine people tagging along who intend to turn my work trip into their vacation. Imagine working all day in an unusual environment talking to so many people you dont know and then as soon as you get away your partner is dragging you off with extra rowdy kids to go to a tourist trap! all the while you're trying to answer phone calls while surrounded by screaming children, and then go out for dinner. There's a reason people wait for the weekends to do big things like that! Usually when people plan to turn their work trips into vacations they book several extra days to do so, and if he's just going somewhere where they've been to before a half dozen times and he's not especially interested in it, who the hell would WANT to go there and listen to their kids complain and cry the whole time, as kids on vacation regularly do.
If he has his "me time" on work trips, he better damn well give her "me time" when he's home. Then, plan "us time" too.
I feel like the first one is just OP poorly phrasing his real problem. You keep going "why wouldn't he want his family to come along and make the work trip more fun, like a vacation?" But OP is saying "my wife treats the trip like a vacation, as if I'm not actually working." To me, that sounds like she isn't taking the burden off of him for his work and trying to cheer him up, she's expecting him to still take the responsibility of organising all the fun parts of the vacation, even though he's busy. He expresses how he feels stressed like he's having to do two jobs on the trip, instead of enjoying himself.
I think that's understandable, and if this is indeed whats happening then he's not being ungrateful at all. He shoulda just been clearer the issue is "wife makes me work too much on these work vacations", not the very idea of it in general.
* Second one, sorry typo.
Also he has a legit damn point if the wife is turning a three day work trip into a multiple week holiday. Like??? That costs more?? That's much more difficult to organise, that's a lot more stress he has to handle while he's already worried about the actual work trip. He's also completely valid to want to just get the work done and come home to his kids faster. I don't think he's saying he doesn't want to be with the kids, either way he'd be with them?? He's just exhausted after the work trip. Being too tired to do anything but watch TV is fine? It's reading way too much into it to assume he doesn't ever let the wife have free time to herself while he takes the kids. It also isn't even him saying they'll never do these vacations again, he's only saying "let's not do it every single time I have a work trip".
I feel this whole situation isn't as extreme as anyone is making it, it's just as simple as the dude not communicating properly. He should just have an honest conversation with her and find a reasonable compromise.
Great point by one of the commenters! He can literally just organise proper family holidays at a different time instead of the work trip. That way he won't be exhausted and grumpy, and they can actually enjoy it all.
I will point out that the wife's issue wasn't that they don't get enough vacations or that he doesn't give her enough alone time away from the kids, but that him wanting to take work trips alone is "suspicious" to her. Him planning separate family vacations would not solve that.
That, and I also thought it was weird that he kept mentioning "jealousy" and the wife being "suspicious." There's an undertone that his wife wants to go along because she doesn't trust that he's just working and wants to keep an eye on everything he's doing. I've seen posts where OPs bury the lead, and more truth comes out in the comments, so maybe the wife has good reason to be suspicious. I think there are more layers that I would need more information about before I can give a proper verdict, though.
Maybe a better compromise would be that they come when he finishes his work (like, his work is 3 days but then his family shows up on day 4). And then they make that extension a few days instead of a whole week
Yeah I completely agree that if he's also giving her opportunities to go and have some alone time then it would be different but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
Parenting is F-ing exhausting. Everyone really needs breaks. Including mom.
With the traveling dad one, I was about 10 when my dad had started going on business trips for work, then we moved to Chicago, Illinois, now I was much older than those two kids are in the story most likely, if not then there's a whole other problem... But I remember my dad being gone a lot, I remember my mom feeling like she was a single mother again (she had my brother and sister at a young age and they moved out when we moved to Chicago because they were old enough to). I remember how sad and lonely she and I both felt, I remember my school kind of took pity on me because they thought my mom was a single mom because she'd always come to school functions, parent teacher conferences, all of that, just her. I formed such a tight bond with my mother through all that and while my bond with my dad's improved since he's no longer traveling, it's not as good as I feel it should be because he was barely around for my formative years. There are things I will talk to my mom about that I'll probably only ever tell my dad when I'm ready
Finally early! also no the straights are never ok
Regarding the first story, dropping out with 2 semesters left seems like such a waste, dropping out after your husband lost his job also wouldn't have made sense. I don't know how all colleges and universities work, but where I'm at they have a cut off date in which you can drop out and still get your money back. I'm sure the husband is stressed, but being a butthead doesn't help anything.
fr it's giving huge jealousy, insecurity.... he needs to look inwards bruh 😭
@@clegs8356literally this. I heard this story and I was like: seems like the husband has insecurity things he needs to talk about with his wife. Like I personally agree. If you have two semesters left of graduate school, I’d stick it out. It allows OP to be able to bring more money back as well, so I personally don’t get why her s/o is so upset about it (other than in regards to his own ego tbh.)
Like it’s fine to feel lacking in respects, but talk about it omggg
For the second post, I see two reasonable options (partially overlapping). One is that he may just not enjoy travel vacations very much. He'd want to go out, get stuff done, come back home to family. Second is that all the touristy stuff is interfering with work, and going out to do it on top of work is exhausting him out, while the wife and the kids are in full having fun mode.
He’s allowed to wanna be alone for a couple days.
As long as he gives his wife the same opportunity.
My MIL was like the one in the last story. She announced my 1 pregnancy 2 marriage 3 the child's name - in one post before my husband and I had shared any of it. When we told her about our second, we waited until we were ready to go public and texted his brother and sister IMMEDIATELY after telling her, then posted publicly LOL, all while she was still in the house. Information diet is the way to go with these people
Work trips: my husband traveled a lot - A LOT - for work when our kids were young. In theory, joining him on trips was a great idea but it was a nightmare. He ended up being stressed and pulled between us and the “extras”. The kids and I were pretty independent on the trip but it just added so much extra pressure on him. That said: the as the dude kept going it kept getting worse. The way he was talking about his kids was horrible. That’s the problem, not the trip.
Exactly. Everyone on here is saying how "oh, he's probably too tired or distracted" as if they didn't even listen to Jamie read the post. He clearly states why he doesn't want them there, and it's not because he doesn't have time for them or would be too tired or distracted. It's literally because he wants a break from "screaming" children.
people who put their mother over their partner cant affort to have a partner
On the mother in law. You know what she’s like. Don’t ever share anything that you don’t want broadcast to the world. Even close friends find it difficult to keep a secret. I see huge red flags for your future. She will be disregarding all of your wishes regarding your children. You’re in for a lot of frustration and strain on your marriage. This needs to be addressed sooner than later.
Maybe i'm crazy but i'm more sympathetic to the husband in the 2nd story. I feel like Jamie made some assumptions because he was annoyed but clearly it bothered other people too. I've been on work trips, the point is to work and any down time is usually just enough to eat and sleep. Any touristy type things would have to occur in and around the actual work in time that would otherwise be recovering from said work. This is my point of contention, Jamie equated doing holiday type things in your downtime during a work trip to "working a bit during a holiday" which are not at all the same thing. Holidays with people are stressful, doubly so with kids aka more work so what in a sense is happening is OP's wife is asking OP to cut out any down time on the trip and replace it with more work. Obviously OP should want to spend time with his wife and kids DURING A HOLIDAY but he isn't on holiday, he's at work. And we know nothing about the relationship dynamic, maybe OP's wife wanted to be a stay-at-home parent which would mean that OP needs to do things like work trips to keep the finances stable. And it's just very naive to say "well OP should just switch to a job where he doesn't travel", maybe that's all he's qualified for, maybe with two young kids they can't risk the drop in pay. We just don't know enough to make an informed opinion but to my mind he isn't an a-hole for wanting to keep work trips for work.
You made my day today for posting, because it's been a shitty day to be a none transitioned transmasc who gets his period today yippy.......I feel like death...😅
AW HELLL i get you man, if it makes you feel better, im in the same situation. got mine on friday i think. absolute bullshit aint it
@necr0marker yes exactly, I'm hoping to get some medical intervention come the new year. I keep complaining to my dad so much, he's like, man just stop having it. I didn't know that was even possible for minors till I saw my doctor in October.
Its okay.... we can be sad together. I got rejected for my top surgery, even tho I had a surgery date. Yay.
Hey I'm on my cycle too and ik it gets rough! hang in there love! take care of yourself٫ lie down when you need to٫ treat yourself and take extra care of your body as it can be sensitive during this time! you got this dear it's only a few days❤
@CoMorbiditty whut!? That's bollocks.abd bullshit I don't think anyone should be rejected to get top surgery, there should be counseling to make sure the person's ready for the surgery but they shouldn't deny someone care.
My partner gets to travel for work once or twice a year, to conventions etc. & we've decided after two years together that I'll accompany them in the future because we miss each other & my partner always wants to share the cool shops, foods & activities they get to experience when they're away. So in the future we'll pay for me to travel & stay with them, & then I'll just go do touristy things & explore the location while my partner does their work things. I'm really looking forward to it!
In the first one, I can guarantee if roles were reversed, and the husband was in grad-school pursuing his "dreams," society would expect the 'woman' to support him cos he's the 'breadwinner' and would be seen as doing it for the family. Some people even go back to living with parents so this can be accomplished, but when its the 'woman' pursuing her dreams, it is seen as selfish?? How hypocritical is that? Just wait and you both can have a better life, together when she finishes her training. I know a lot of men can get jealous when their partner earns more than them. Its a thing.
As a young mom, the vacation debate to me sounds like a huge communication issue. ;) (as most things)
The way my spouse and I deal with it, generally, is that we try to split it, examples:
- set responsibilities for mornings/evenings (to ensure alone time as well as couple time - family time tends to fall within the day)
- have separate travel (we will spend Christmas at his parents', but he'll return home a couple days early, so he can have his introvert-social-recovery-time from the holidays before we're all together again :))
- have regular days off, apart from vacation (once a month he'll make sure to do an outing without me so I can have a kids-free slot)
I fully agree with Jamie, communicate clearly that you'd like to take work trips alone, and then give her the same (roughly) time off. :)
And yes, there can be extenuating circumstances. In short, communication is key! :)
for the second one,I am someone who is used to be alone so I need alone time to feel ok ,being around people all day is tiring. Also op maybe prefers work to feel separated to his rest
If he needs alone time, he could buy a separate hotel room for his family or something. Or like Jamie said, make sure the wife has time off as well. Flat out ignoring and not communicating with his wife makes him TA. As a stranger on Reddit, I feel like I know more than the wife does. Communicate with her.
I’m so confused about why people think it’s a good idea to share other people’s news.
My senior year of college my roommate got pregnant, and I’m pretty sure she only told me early because she had morning sickness and I was going to start wondering why if she didn’t.
And I asked permission to tell my mom so I could ask for advice about the morning sickness. I didn’t even tell my now-husband until he asked because she was obviously showing by that point.
How are people so bad at respecting other people’s privacy?
i can empathize with the dude who wants to do work trips without his family. i think jamie maybe doesn't understand what being a bit introverted is like. respite from the family is important.
Absolutely. Being in a different place than usual, probably on a different schedule, almost certainly eating different foods and such (no kitchens in most hotel rooms)? Yeah, I need to recalibrate as often as possible in that situation.
Last one: oh, is this my cousin? Our aunt could not keep her mouth shut.
I only had one work trip and despite having one day to do something on our own (which I assumed is rare on trips) it was honestly a lot of meetings and me not being in the room in general. I can’t imagine how busy other work trips are.
Idk when I think work trips I think it’s still work. I think it’s just us thinking it’s going to be nice just because it has “trip” in it, but it’s just business in another location. I don’t think the family would be too thrilled with how much he is gone or doing something instead hanging out with them on a work trip.
This is your regular reminder that you're all awesome, beautiful and valid little spuds, just the way you are ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 Love you all ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 Stay safe everyone and remember that there are people out here that love you 💜💜💜💜💜💜
12:16 Nah, Jamie, you're totally misinterpreting what he's saying.
He's saying that, when he's on a _business_ trip where the family comes with, he spends all of the time outside of work hours doing whatever his wife and kids ask of him. As opposed to recovering from the work day and getting ready for the next work day. It also sounds like his wife treats these _business_ trips as vacations and ignores the fact that he's, well, _working._
I'm allowed to work from home 2 days a week, and I still need to remind my husband, "sweetie, no, I can't do that, _I'm working."_
_Edit:_ I'm also assuming OP is _not_ a PDF-file and that he married his wife when she was (1) 21 and (2) not pregnant. Since she's 24 now, that makes their kids no older than 1 and 2 years old. Which means the last time the whole family came along on a business-trip, they had _a baby and a toddler_ in tow. That's a recipe for *_stress_* for both of them, not exactly a vacation.
Agreed. Also, he doesn’t say how intensive these trips are. There may be an expectation that OP should be working in the evening or attending work dinners, etc, which would be difficult to do if the whole family is squished into one room. I think he needs to have a more serious discussion with his wife about why he is hesitant to have the whole family there. He should definitely be giving his wife time away when he returns.
I totally get what you’re saying - I’ve joined my husband on work trips with 2 young kids, and we’re pretty independent. But it was still a nightmare in the end because he was being pulled in all directions. BUT. If my husband had written that about me and our kids I would be fuming. He was bordering on nasty.
@@jdbrown9380 …and as I pointed out in another comment: His wife is 24. Assuming they got married when she was 21, that make their 2 kids between newborn and 3 years old.
I'm gonna guess the kids are only 1 year apart, and that OP's wife wasn't pregnant on their wedding day. That means the oldest couldn't be much older than 2 years old. And if they've done this work-trip-vacation thing before with both kids, then the youngest has to be at least 12 months old.
But, doesn't it sound, to you, like Jamie and a lot of these comments, and all of the Reddit replies, are assuming the 2 boys are in elementary school? Which would be assuming OP married his wife when she was in high school! I mean, _come ON!_
My feeling is that OP's wife accompanied him on work-trips while they were engaged and during the 1st year they were married, before the kids were born. But now that they have _a baby and a toddler_ in tow, bringing the entire family along on a business-trip is neither practical nor any fun for either of them.
-----
My husband had to go on business trips for a week. Like, to Taiwan, for a week. The flight there and back was _exhausting_ and long, he did _nothing_ outside of the work day except sleep and recover for the next day. It _was not_ a vacation.
My father also got sent on lots and lots of business-trips. And while they gave him the opportunity to see lots of different places, they weren't always pleasant. He didn't get to "play tourist" so much as be dragged around by the foreign colleagues to various sights during the evenings. He was always glad to be back home. The only business-trip that was anywhere near a vacation was when he was on a 1-week business trip that kept getting extended over and over until he'd been in Austria _for a month._ But his father, my grandfather, emigrated from Austria, and that allowed him to make a strong connection with the Austrian colleagues, who had started inviting him to their homes on the weekends after week-2 had passed.
Where the heck was Jamie's mother going on business trips that she was able to bring the whole family? Ireland? Through the Chunnel to France? I doubt it was a 10+ hr. flight to NYC.
Sure, if you’re working from home, you are unavailable to do certain things during your work hours, even though you physically speaking could do them. However, when your workday ends, it’s functionally the same thing as if you’d be physically coming back home from work. When you are off work, you share responsibility for the household.
During these business trips, the husband has his work to do, while the wife presumably doesn’t, and as such, if their children come along, it’s her responsibility to look after them while he’s working. When his work is done for the day, they now share the responsibility of looking after their children. Sure, if he ”spends all of the time outside of work hours doing whatever his wife and kids ask of him” while the wife does nothing, then that’s not right either, because they are equally responsible, but it also doesn’t enable him to do nothing. If one parent works while the other takes care of the kids, that’s how it works during the day, but when the working parent comes home, they still have a responsibility to contribute to the household.
@Tinttilina Often time, during a business-trip, you're basically "at-work" except when you're asleep.
Also, bringing your spouse and a baby and a toddler along on a business trip sounds like an utter nightmare to me.
And lastly, my analogy to working from home: It was to make a point that you _cannot_ expect someone _during their business trip_ to not be working during working hours.
Clearly you've never been on a business trip. All I've ever heard from people who go on business trips is, "No, I only saw the inside of my hotel. I didn't exactly have time to plan anything. After working a full day in a foreign country at a foreign office, all I wanted to do was _sleep_ and recover for doing it the next day."
Was OP a d%%% in how he described the situation? Absolutely! Do I think his wife is describing him in similar unpleasant terms? Absolutely. I think they're 2 new parents who used to turn his business-trips into vacations before the 2 boys were born, and now with the reality of a baby and a toddler, are both stressed out and overwhelmed.
My dad's job was one of travel, we went as a family a lot of the time. But for ones like OP said, 3 day ones we would not go. By the time you get there it's time to go home, plus on such short trips the adult working has less time to do things. The wife is wanting him to add days onto the trip, meaning work, take days off he may want to save for family trips later, etc. Also, I am single and have no kids, but I feel there must be times that ANYONE wants a couple nights to themselves. I think fairly she should get some of those nights also if OP does of course, but it's normal to want family time, couples time, AND alone time.
5:08 first op is doing an amazing job (I did my MA alongside teaching- i know how hard they're working) I wonder if hubby was main earner in previous job and now isn't
Work trips and family vacations do not mix. The absolute exhaustion and draining interactions leave a lot of people's brains as mush at the end of the day. Quiet time alone is barely enough to recover and be ready for the next day of work (and the extra BS that's demanded of employees on these occasions). Even if you believe in perfectly balanced, 50/50 parenting 24/7, the partner who is there for business often will *not* have the energy or attention to invest anyway.
He absolutely needs to communicate with his wife better about this. He absolutely should be checking in with her about her feelings around caretaking and breaks. But work trips are not breaks. Piling more activities on top of it means not being able to enjoy family time and give your kids and partner the attention they deserve. Who wants to be exhausted AND feel miserable for not enjoying time with the people you love because of it? Go on the trip, get it over with in a few days, get back to your family and make plans that allow you to actually devote and enjoy time together.
There's a good chance he'll snap at his family because he's exhausted, and that's not making happy family memories for anyone. They should plan a vacation together where they can share parenting duties equally and both relax a bit.
They definitely CAN mix. I’ve gone with my mother on here and she was actually HAPPY to include me.
@@Imjustkendall Awesome - love that for you!
Maybe op in the second story DID say that he just wanted to spend his work trip alone to relax and just like YOU did, his wife assumed that it meant he hates his family and never wanted to be a parent. What a weird take.
The possible outcomes here are:
1) OP is off on a work trip for THREE DAYS and god forbid smokes a little weed in private (so that his kids don’t SEE him doing it) after being at work in a place that isn’t his home, and returns to his family happy to see them after some alone time.
Or!
2) He brings his wife and two children on a trip where he KNOWS he won’t have the time to tend to them properly, but will still be EXPECTED to because his wife and kids are not WORKING like he is (and quite frankly it doesn’t really sound like his wife cares that the whole point of the trip is TO WORK), so it doesn’t seem hopeful that he’ll have any of that relaxing time he is clearly looking forward to. Possibly causing even more strain because a 3 day WORK trip was turned into a WEEK+ of work AND sacrificing time he would’ve spent recharging on his own to doing whatever thing his wife can think of to quell the boredom of her being stuck in a hotel she never had to be at in the first place. Mind you, all because his wife is taking his REQUIRED work travel as a personal affront AND proposing to add unnecessary expenses to a tab she’s not paying (company travel comp probably doesn’t cover his family) based on her insecurities. Not to mention the added labor of making sure his whole family is okay away from their regular environment.
Some of you people can’t fathom the idea of a person WANTING TO BE ALONE SOMETIMES and wanna villainize them for needing time to themselves. Even parents need time away from their kids. Wanting to be alone sometimes doesn’t mean a person doesn’t love or value their family. ESPECIALLY when the “alone time” is literally having a couple hours to themself ON A BUSINESS TRIP wtf
honestly I don’t think people are addressing the second one properly which like… yeah maybe he’s an asshole for leaving her as a single parent (idk mate I’m not even an adult) but like I don’t think that gives her the right to be sus of him for cheating??
Jamie - you will be a brilliant Dad. You already have a great attitude towards parenting. And you are right - watching TV in peace goes out the window when you have a child! 😊
dude on business trips: one out of three is the whole family, one out of three is he gets the trip to himself and then he cares for the kids at home for a few days while she gets to take a trip, and third out of three they leave the kids with friends or family and travel as a couple (she can do the tourist stuff while you are working then you can have quiet meetings together).
Doesn't have to be strictly 1/1/1, but all three should be involved.
He isn't going on vacation. The work trip isn't a nice sight seeing trip. They're harder than the regular work day. The work days are longer and more stressful because everything HAS to be finished before the trip is over. So acting like he's getting a vacation from the kids and should then have to take over the care as soon as he returns is ridiculous.
@@elaexplorer that's not the point. He's abandoning his spouse and kids if he takes those times to himself elverey single time; that's the point. If he's worth anything as a partner, her days are ALSO longer and harder when he is gone and she does NOT get to watch TV and get high for several hours at the end of each of them to be ready for the next one. He can have that some of the time, but other times he is going to have to take care of the kids because she has been wrangling them on sightseeing trips all day or go do ONE THING with her during the time they get without the kids. That's the deal: have a kid, commit to not getting your me-time all the times you would like it for the next 18 years. full stop.
@@marieugorek5917 he's "abandoning his spouse and kids" for *going to work??* I don't think you understand what a **work** trip is.
@@waffles3629 Literally yes lmao People who have such vanishing work lives like this should not have kids if their happiness is in getting away from them.
My dad goes on work trips and depending on what peoject he's working on he will go more frequently than othe projects. For a short period he was going once a month for a few days. Me and my mum would never go with him though and never have done. Hes been doing these trips since i was a young child. Hes exhausted after them because the days become longer when you are away. Especially since he often goes out for dinner with his bosses, colleagues, clients etc as well. This means he often doesnt get back to the hotel room till 20:30 to 21:00. Once he gets back all he wants to do is get his oyjamas on and watch TV for a couple of hours before he goes to sleep. Then its up the next day, having breakfast at 8am and then out again till 9pm. That would be a lot for anyone. It would be worse with us in tow. We would see him less than we do at home. It would be stressful for him. There would just be no point. So i totally understand where OP is coming from. He does say that he takes his family on some of them. Of course, we dont know how long his work day would be but from what ive seen, most work trips end up being like my own dads. Thr couple really need to sit down and have a chat. They need to talk about what the average day would be like for him when he is on work trips and therefore get her to understand that it is not appropriate to be doing holiday things as well. It is also a big expense to tirn a 3 day work trip into a week away. It would be better if they booked an actual holiday where they could all be together and relax (as much as you can with 2 kids lol). As for her not trusting him, thats another thing they need to sit down and talk about, why would she immediately jump to him cheating on her or something? There seems to be a backstory there that we dont know about. If hes had an affair before then i can understand the not trusting but i think some marriage councelling may also even need to come into this.
Neurodivergent person here who totally understands the need for a solo work trip to solely focus on work but also understands the thrill of making a family vacation out of it because growing up that’s the only way my parents could ever afford to travel with us (my brother and sister and I) and we really enjoyed and treasured every opportunity because it was only once or twice a year at most if that so we always made the most of things whenever we could as a result.
With the work trip one, my dad used to travel a lot for work trips when my sis and i were kids and preferred to go on his own with us he preferred going alone. I do based on his experience get why my dad would not want to bring along the family and to focus on work. the biggest thing for him is his work trips were fundamentally different from his regular work making it harder to parent while working during those days and more efficient/less stressful to get it over with and come home to us relieved its over.
More details: He said when he travelled it was usually for specific reasons/events like conferences and meeting coworkers he usually doesn't see irl and didnt have much time to relax, it wasn't a vacation alone for him and he didn't do many of the "tourist things". he did however occasionally scope out or ask around about places to take the family as a separate trip in the future while there and would make the trip as a family. (some of said places are still on our list or he went with my mom without us "kids" when we were in college/beyond and told us he would give an itinerary to go with our future families). He also once or twice had us plan our vacation for right after one of his trips so he would get there first, work a few days, then have us arrive though that was less feasible.
All this said either it sounds like the guy in the story is not like that or didn't explain it well. It sounded from the stories like he is doing about the same amount of work there and is finding time to do tourist things on his own/with coworkers. it sounds like as you said an excuse to solo travel/ break from parenting. Tbf I don't see much wrong about wanting that but he needs to explain that to his family.
A-hole/ need more info/ needs to communicate better
also wife is kinda borderline ahole for making assumptions of suspicious behavior from this, but we dont know their relationship or the context so its possible she has more reason for suspicion than we know, or is primed to question it based on it having happened to someone she knows.
I haven’t seen you in so long!!! You’re the person who helped me figure out I’m trans… thank you so much. Happy holidays!
Plasma donation pays more than blood donation because the process is even less pleasant. Looked into it but my fear of needles stopped me cold because just reading about it almost made me pass out.
Bringing the whole family on a work trip? No thanks. Now you have to add to an intense work related situation by being on the family's entertainment committee for what little time you have to not be in meetings or in presentations. The only way it would be tolerable would be if the family stayed at some resort for the majority of the time and you could join them for a few days after the work trip concluded. Otherwise it would be like working two jobs simultaneously.
as someone who travels for work fairly often, being on work travel is not like being on vacation and it’s also definitely not like doing a regular work week in a different location. when I’m on travel, I’m doing whatever I’m traveling for during normal business hours and then I’m doing as much of my day-to-day job as possible in the “off” time so I don’t fall behind. And then there’s always at least one work dinner or something. if OP’s work travel is anything like mine, the idea that he wants a family-free work trip so he can relax while his wife carries the load is offensive. I think Jaime really missed the mark here in understanding the workload imbalance here. In this scenario, the wife is on vacation while the husband’s responsibilities are doubled.
6:12 They take the blood, seperate the plasma and then return the blood cells. You can get paid for it, and it is used to save lots of lives. Because the red blood cells are returned, you can donate plasma much more often than you can blood.
My dad used to travel for work, but we always stayed behind for financial reasons. He was heartbroken that we couldn't come with him. If he had been leaving us behind so he could eat fries in his underwear, I would've been deeply offended.
Thank you for being here this year. And for the calendar. You’re such a sweetie! Have a great holiday 🎄❤️🩷❄️🪩
I recognize this situation. It is not about the financial cost of grad school.But what about the wife would then have a pay increase, and a status increase of a graduate degree. It's a threat to chauvinistic superiority over a wife.Then that is the concern, i'm ninety five percent sure.
For the last story, not only will the MIL get worse if not confronted and/or restriced when it comes to info, the husband will never stand up to her and THAT will get worse. In my previous relationship my male partner was the same, I had to be the one to say things and he never took accontability for opinions WE both had because he did not want to mess up the relationship with his mom. When I ended it with him I vowed to never be in that position again. There is a risk of you being the villain in every situation and that is not fun at all.
12:05 He's saying that if he brought his family on the work trip, they would take over the trip and he wouldn't be able to get his work done. They would be expecting him to do vacation stuff instead of working and feel disappointed he wasn't doing more activities with them.
I used to travel for work, and it is a work trip, there isn't time to sightsee or anything like that. Work trips usually have longer hours and having to sneak into your hotel room to not wake your family would make it so much worse. I know after spending 12 hours trying to fix a problem with the data, all I want to do is veg out to a late night tv. He'd just have to sneak in, maybe take a shower if it wasn't too loud and try to sleep without being able to wind down from the day. He'd get no break for the whole trip and be horrible to work or live with.
Call me crazy but like, if I had a partner who wanted to vacation on his own once in a while, I’d be fine with that. Like sometimes you just wanna do your own thing by yourself. Especially if it’s a work trip, if he goes with his family, that’s less time he’s spending on work, and it’s added stress for getting his work done on time. Married or not, kids or not, I think it’s okay to want time to yourself.
That being said, the way OP is explaining it, that’s where I disagree with OP. Don’t get me wrong there.
TH-cam HID THIS FOR AN HOUR I COULDVE WATCHED THIS TWICE BY NOW
I think in the first one it could be considered that if they are located in the US, graduate school tuition is insanely expensive. Like even more expensive that the crazy prices for an undergraduate degree. So if that degree costs enough to affect the family income significantly, that could be a factor.
Yes, I presumed that was the point. Grad school is probably a huge expense for the financially strapped family.
Even still, since she's very close to graduating and it would likely increase her future earnings, I think it would make more sense for her to finish the program unless they are very strapped for cash. But even still, maybe she could consider attending part time rather than dropping out completely.
Story 2) There is a difference between the work of parenting generally, and being the one parent (or one of two parents) organizing vacationing. People who're not working see the vacation as a whole day activity it's cool to wear yourself out with. People who're working - the work exhausts you already, you don't have a full evening of energy left to do vacation stuff.
I think it would be fine if the family was along and did stuff during the day but weren't in full vacation mode in the evening, but it's not fine if they're demanding he do vacation stuff when he's home. It doesn't sound like he's being given the choice about the amount of effort invested in making someone else have fun while you're on a work trip.
I also think your job, Jamie, while being a real job that does involve lots of effort - is also a passion project and probably not as draining as most people find the daily grind on a job they don't like so much as have to do.
1:55 THIS CLIP ABSOLUTELY MADE MY DAY!! I LOVE DOCTOR WHO (the show)
Omg same, Christopher Eccleston's 9th Doctor is also underrated in my opinion so go you whoever edited this video
I’m with Jamie that story 1 is not the AH here. That said, maybe grad school is a big cost they can’t afford… Jamie said it as I was typing.
I feel like the work trip thing depends a lot on the kind of work as well. My husband's work trips are very like office and meetings all day and maybe drinks/sightseeing in the evening if he's lucky. My work trips as an author are often talks and visiting schools and book shops etc, so bringing my family (if not at work/school) would be way easier and a totally different deal.
the guy saying he doesn't want to do a family vacation on a work trip, it sounds like him and his wife have done all of this together multiple times, and she's the "has to do all of them every time." his wording was poor, but I can see if you go to say Seattle four times a year not wanting to do all of the tourist things every time, instead maybe doing it and arrange the tourist things on the days you are already there for work, I get not wanting to spend a week there instead of the planned 2 days
First one, OP's husband is threatened by her having more mobility and not being trapped as his dependent.
I know that it's easy to give in to doom and gloom these days. So, for 2025, I'd like to leave you with a positive message and rallying cry:
*We shall overcome.*
This song, which was popularized during the U.S. civil rights movement and has been adopted by other movements across the globe, is relevant to trans people today. Remember this: No matter how hard it gets, as long as we stand together and don't give in, we shall overcome someday.
12:00
That sounds great to you but to have a healthy work life balance you gotta separate business and pleasure sometimes. Work is not vacation, and it can absolutely have the opposite effect when you start treating it like it is.
12:53 he sounds tired, I don't understand why that's not being picked up on.
13:21 But you only have your wife. And adult relatives you're not responsible for. OP has young kids. And he shouldn't be parenting AT WORK. I'm assuming he does care for his kids at home. This is not the time. It sounds exhausting exhausting.
Edit: man these comments, classic reddit micro managing. I'm sorry but your conclusion also does not have any empathy on OPs side. He just doesn't sound like this is good for him and he's anxious on how to approach this topic with his wife who sounds accusatory. Instead of receiving advice he's essentially being told to suck it up because everyone is acting like they're the perfect family husband and want him to be so too. That includes you.
Agreed!
Also, nobody seems to be picking up on the fact that his wife would be _stuck in a hotel room_ with 2 small children _by herself_ and without any of the social support network that she has back home. Doesn't sound like dragging the family along on a _WORK trip_ is going to be more relaxing for her to me.
@@John_Weiss exactly. And that she would expect him to do everything after the work day was over, even though there's a very good chance he'd have been doing work stuff for 12+ hours and just need to eat dinner and go to bed.
Agree. I have kids, and I’ve had to do trips for work. The idea of my spouse and kids coming with sounds awful.
Work trips aren’t vacations. Yes, there can be a little time for exploring around, but it’s for WORK. And I am sorry, but those moments where, as a parent, you get a quiet chunk of time to actually mentally power down? That is priceless.
My partner is supportive, and I do carve out opportunities for them to get downtime when possible. But I can’t imagine having to juggle a work event while in “vacation mode” attitude for the family. Those are not mindsets that go well together. At least one end of that is going to take a hit.
@@emmaprice3740 THIS!
So many people don't seem to Get It.
Was this guy a douchecanoe in his AITA post? Sure! But everyone has been latching onto that and _completely ignoring the basic fact:_ Work-Trips. Are. _NOT._ a. Vacation! Work-Trips are _ADDED_ stress.
I saw it with my husband. I saw it with my father. And you're describing _the SAME thing_ that they always did.
As a person who just finished pharmacy school I can attest that it's hard on a marriage/ your spouse. I am a huge fan of marriage counseling. It made a huge difference when I did make more of an effort to be more present with my husband when we were able to spend time together. And his attitude improved when I reminded him that I needed him and was grateful for all the things that he was doing to help with the household. Even if you expect your person to do those things it is nice to not have to worry that those things might not get done. Often we forget to tell our people that we count on them and it really does decrease our stress to be able to.
I'm 42, transitioning to male finally. I adore your videos so much. I have autism and your mellow flow makes me comfy. I adore Roly, and his color with his energy is a fun change at times. I do prefer your channel, however. Nothing against Roly. I just need a specific mood for loud. Anyway, i was in a doctorate program for forensic pathology but ....left in about my 7th year. I couldnt take it and I re-enlisted in the USMC. I loved the military but thats why I couldn't transition. I knew in 2nd grade that I am a man.
Congrats! I hope your transition goes smoothly 🎉
Sideline - also with being an educator (early childhood, primary school, high school, university, etc) has *so* many transferable skills that can set you up for a plethora of job opportunities.
So, in saying that they're "selfish" is wild to me.
I come from an educator background and when I was involved in 3 serious motor vehicle accidents (the other drivers were at fault before you come for me) and left disabled. I was lucky that the education and skill set i had was such that it had lots of *transferable* skills that meant i was able to get jobs in totally different fields and still gain an income.
That is something I considered when doing all the extra study as well as on the job training and experience. As you never know what can happen in life or where it will take you and having back up plans is always a great option to have.
The fact he deems her extra study, on top of being a parent and also working full time (i too worked full time and studied at uni at night. It was exhausting) to better themselves and to enable them to have more job opportunities down the line, is bonkers to me.
I would assume she's doing uni part time on top of working a full-time job. That in itself is a *lot*, let alone parenting and now being the "bread winner."
Be grateful (especially in these times) that she has a job when you, the husband, have lost yours. What if she had been a sahm? What if she didn't have the skill set to get a decently paid job to help out when husband lost his job?
Maybe she can defer her studies and get some extra tutor work while this is happening as a compromise? But then again, why should she when he should be actively looking for anything he can get (just for now) to help them through this tough period?
There's a couple of options they could do that don't mean she has to give up study entirely.
And if he can't get something at the moment for whatever reason, is he picking up the slack at home as she is again, working full-time, studying and parenting as well as doing her share of household tasks i assume?
Asking your beloved partner to give up on their dream is selfish when there are other solutions.
I also agree with a lot of what Jamie said.
I fully agree. If it's a money thing, then deferring and finding a part time job (while he is also looking for any opportunities he can find) would be completely understandable. But if they are still getting by, I don't see what the problem is with her continuing her studies.
15:31 but why did he have two kids, knowing he would get less-verry little free time and then complaining. Kids are annoying and needy, he knew that before having them. Thats a choice YOU made. Im not having kids because i like peace and quiet. Thats the choice i made, because i want to live a certain lifestyle.
Mixing work and vacation sounds rather unhealthy to me. They could do a half-and-half where he spends a few days on his trip alone and then the family joins while he has time off. But just "coming along" sounds like a terrible idea. The guy will be exhausted all day, not being able to keep up with the plans of the wife, and the wife (and kids) will be annoyed that dad has to work "during vacation".
If they do join him while he works, they really need to be clear about expectations.
Also, if his family often joins him on work trips, but he wants to take this one alone, I think that's fair. It's unrealistic for his family to join him on every work trip if he has to travel a lot.
Yep. I'm really getting the impression it would end up being "Dad neglected the vacation in order to work". Which is absurd seeing as it's a work trip.
✨ the straights ✨ are so wow, let's see what's up
Re: Dad who wants to go on work trip without bringing the wife and kids, maybe he's an introvert. Introverts need alone time, even when we are parents. It doesn't mean we don't love our kids. I do agree that he shouldn't just assume his wife is always willing and able to take on all the childcare at all times.
It also depends on work trip, how much free time there is. My typical work trips don't include much free time. After long day (longer than normal work day), I still might need to prepare for next day and rest to be able to succeed next day. Typically, I have no energy or time to do any touristy things. I might want to extend the stay and make it holiday afterwards. Having family (I don't have family though) there during work days sounds too much.
It's crazy to me how quickly these reddit comments and Jamie IN a way were quick to point the finger at him and expect him to act according to their preferences. Like it's not like he's neglecting his family give the man some alone time? He's not even relaxing because he's WORKING.
@@HobieInTheBoxI think that it’s because he mentions being able to smoke up.
Yeah nah? My mother in law is an introvert, when she’s been having to be social for a long time she needs to recharge alone for a bit
You can communicate and ask for that in ways that are “sorry honey you just can’t come (because I want to sit in the hotel room and smoke some… stuff…)” that’s sketch as hell
He is the asshole.
I have relatives who travel for work and have families. It's definitely a balancing act and there are going to be times you have to turn down a job you'd like to do for the sake of your loved ones. That's when you have to decide if your job or family is more important. I'd go with family but that's just me.
I get wanting Work Trips and Vacations to be separate, since mixing could make it feel like you're ignoring your family on a vacation when you go do the work on the work trip. Maybe after the work trip stay there and get them to fly out and start your vacation.
Did she mention how much she was paying for grad school? Edit to add: It sounds like there’s a lot of information missing. Is he covering all housing, food, transportation expenses while she uses her whole salary to pay for tuition? We don’t know.
There was no mention of the amount. She is working full time so is likely covering those fees herself. If it was a matter of money then leaving her program near the end would just be throwing a lot of money down the drain. Most academic fees are non refundable.
@ A person can take a leave of absence if they need to and still come back to the program. It’s not throwing any money down the drain to do that. Grad school isn’t just academic fees, which are usually minimal. Tuition is what accounts for most of the expense. There was no mention of her taking out any student loans. Tuition for one year of grad school usually costs more than a kindergarten teacher makes in a year.
She's the breadwinner
The first story feels like we didn't properly get the husband's reasoning, either because OP doesn't know it or didn't include it.
I agree that the most likely reason is that the husband doesn't like the idea that his wife is more accomplished than him, but it's also possible that there is missing context that would make his position more rational. I just feel like something's missing.
lol, I was pregnant with my 3rd at 24. We had 5 in 10 years, had my last at 31. The youngest is now 17. 🥰 So honored to be their mom.
And that one I was pregnant with at 24 was the one who accompanied me when we saw you in Milwaukee, WI! (I was the one up front in the wheelchair.)
Hi, first time watcher here and this video came up in recommendations. I really enjoyed your video here and yeah, good points on those stories.
Sometimes I wonder why men get married if they're going to treat the wife and kids like the old ball and chain.
I live in a REALLY beautiful part of the country and my girlfriend lives 4 hours away (she co-parents with her ex gf really well and both of our children have special needs and neither are in mainstream so relocating isnt possible for either of us right now so she splits her time 50/50 each week) and there's this one road that takes you right along the Jurassic Coast and your effectively just inland off the cliffs so you look right out over the sea and can see all the countryside ahead of you as you go downhill a lot of the way. It is STUNNING, it's my favourite road in the UK and I was SO EXCITED the fiest time I got to show it to her. I don't understand why this international traveller as part of his job isnt excited to share where he's been and what he's seen with his wife and children??!!!
If it was a question of "Im sorry sweetie Ive got back to back meetings and these are new clients I just wont have any time to spend with you...not this time" I would totally understand but he literally says he just wants to watch telly by himself. This dude doesnt sound ready for marriage and a family!!!!!
Speaking from the perspective of someone who doesn’t have or want kids I’m totally on board with the Dad using his business trips to have some alone time, but I wholeheartedly agree that the mother also deserves a break from the family and he needs to make sure that happens.
I came out but instead of saying transgender i just said trans so i have to explain but i have to wait until my mums boyfriend is gone for a bit i know this is unrelated but oh well
Hmm... I'm trying to think of how to best word this and I'm sure it won't come across right... but I actually think that OP #2 is NTA... like... not even a little bit. Let me ATTEMPT (probably not very well) to explain why...
1) If this has been what he does for work since before meeting his wife then for better or worse she knew what he did and that there are times he would need to leave for work. (Meaning, either she was good with it or even tried to get him to do something different but was still keen to marry and have children with him even when he said he wouldn't change careers).
2) I can absolutely understand the frustration of being somewhere because you have to be and it taking longer than it needs to because you are not just expected to take care of your kids but take care of your kids in a "we're on vacation" aspect...while you are supposed to be working.
3) If a he, she or they had any sort of "regular - 9 to 5" type of job and their spouse or partner took their kids and expected them to hang out with the family while they are at work (again causing things that need to get done to take longer than it should) the person who was at work would probably get frustrated about that as well and no one would think they were tah for it because in that time what they are doing for their family is making money for them to live. Regardless of if you are someone who would like your family to travel with you or not OP not wanting his family at work with him all the time is not an unreasonable thing to ask.
Now... I DO think that with having a job that allows OP to travel to great places that it should absolutely be discussed about OCCASSIONALLY extending the trip because it's gonna be a good experience for the kids and a good time for family bonding that a lot of families just don't get because they can't afford it. but no... he's NTA for not wanting his family to go on every single work trip..... and yes, obviously I do think that they both need to make sure that his wife is getting the rest she needs. It's definitely a conversation they need to have... like depending on the kids ages maybe sometimes even see about leaving the kids with a grandparent (if ones live near enough) and go just the 2 of them for just a couple days. I think there are ways to make it more fair for everyone...
Yeah I don't know if I'm making sense so I'll just stop there but hopefully you kinda get what I'm trying to say...
I’m grad school is very expensive. So I can see a situation where they can’t afford the school right now. Or they can struggle for about another year and then be in a much better position.
The US is the only or one of the only "developed nations" that pays cash for plasma donation
Regarding the father who doesn't want his family on a work trip: Something you didn't address are the wife's suspicions. I wonder where those come from. Could be that she's a controlling, jealous person and that's why she insists on coming to those trips. He claims his marriage is strong but if she gets suspicious about work trips, either that's because he's being shady/has had affairs in the past or because she has trust issues. Either way - not a sign of a healthy relationship to me.
I think if he's an involved father who makes sure his wife gets time off too after she had to take care of their kids on her own for three days, they go on vacation outside of those trips and he's honest about what he does on those trips, he's NTA. If he never takes them on vacation, regularly leaves his wife to take care of the kids alone and/or barely spends time with the kids on his own or if he is omitting the true reason his wife is suspicious, he's a huge AH.