My mom did this - she explained almost every rule. Helped me think critically so if i did break a rule it was on me for the natural consequence. I'm SO glad my mom did this
Yes. I didn't know a single person that wanted less explanation unless it was something that was really age- inappropriate, like parentification or R rated details.
I hated having no explanation for anything from my parents, so now I tend to over explain everything to my kids lol they love to tease me about my "lectures" but I know one day they'll appreciate them ❤
I hated my dad's lectures at the time, but now they live in my brain and heart as a mother. He always explained why he was saying no, it was never just "because I said so." I didn't recognize the significance of those talks until I was older and saw just what he was going through as a parent. Now I find myself saying the same things. There's if a balance because you can't over do it, you can't talk so much your kids just tune you out. That's a hard line to find sometimes!
same here. i’m a teacher at an after school program and they get tired of me explaining over and over the expectations and WHY those are the expectations, but as soon as i just go with “no” or “not allowed,” they question everything. i’d rather them know why those are the rules than feel like they’re not in place for a good reason and break them anyway.
When they question I ask them why do you think that might be a bad idea.... They usually tell me exactly why its a bad idea... But give them options on a better ideA
Here's what I always say, importance level first. Washing your hands before a meal? Importance level 3. Importance of staying out of the street? Importance level 10. If it's less than a 5, ask questions and I'll do my best to answer. Over 5, obedience first, questions after.
Yup. Too often someone gets confused about one of my Things and then l have to decide between a lie or the fucked up reason. It doesn't help that im bad at lying.
THANK YOU! What happened to humans connecting tho? We should feel enriched to talk about these things to each other, industrial modern life just made us too fast to stop and see each other 😭🥲
As someone who craves knowledge, especially about people's lives, I appreciate trauma dumping. I feel like I can actually see the person. We aren't our trauma, but our trauma has literally rewired our brains.
This!! I would LOVE for people to be this real with me whenever we talk. I want to see you and actually connect with you in a deeper, more meaningful way. The way the other woman responded makes me feel like she is kinda bland, closed off/shut down/isn't practiced with sharing, or hasn't done much introspection on her own behaviors/doesn't know herself super well.
“Trauma dumping” is not a thing. It’s no one’s responsibility to sensor their lives to someone else’s sheltered sensibilities. Talking too long about yourself without giving the other person a chance to also share is maybe a thing but I mean if you’re just passive aggressively nodding mmmmhmmm and not taking the openings you were given you’re the problem
My actual intrigue for people trauma dumping to me makes me want to be a therapist. Not only do I love giving out advice, but I also like seeing the effects of these things, especially how different situations as a child that can seem mundane for other adults can be translated and transformed into an idea that child implements into their later life… pretty cool if ya ask me!
@@blackroserevolution3989 I like the way you phrased this. I feel like trauma dumping is a term made up by people who don't like being uncomfortable, be it their own trauma or someone else's. it'd not an inconvenience or wrong to talk about trauma, in fact the more we talk about these things, the better we understand one another.
You know who I would prefer to be friends with? The lady in grey! She is thoughtful, introspective, and deeply cares about others. At first I just felt embarrassment because I totally do the over share thing, but I love other over sharers. We learn so much from each other and make life more interesting.
Ah, when you explain the vibe behind gentle parenting IMMEDIATELY to try and head off any trauma induced blind criticism from other parents who immediately feel attacked.
@@annaburke8537Gentle parenting is conscious and intentional parenting. That was a clear example of gentle parenting - calm voice, explain in a developmentally appropriate way, focus on safety for rules.
I mean they’re both her.. so she’s probably intending the video to be interpreted the way she presented it. This absolutely could be a situation, i’ve even experienced it, but this is a skit. It is one woman, acting, on a script SHE wrote. This is a trauma dump if thats the intention of the piece of artwork. Video-creation is a style of artwork.
yeah this actually is a trauma dump... likely the other person is a total stranger and was not prepared to hear about the childhood of a random person they just met though the trauma dumpee may also not have any idea what they're doing technically the "asker" only commented that they take the time to do something good, not asked about why they do that
If you don’t wanna chit chat with me, don’t talk to me. I’m a babbler. We are having a conversation the MOMENT you say hello to me. I’m autistic. I have been conditioned that neurotypical people will speak to you if they want a conversation, so thats what I do, but suddenly now people want to start a conversation and then get uncomfortable when I continue it? Then don’t talk to me!! Why talk to someone if you don’t want to talk to anyone?? I just talk to the kiddos, they ask 200 questions about my shy-ass kiddo anyways.
2. they do not really wanna talk to us. they try to look nice, they just wanna make small talk. they not interested in us or what we have to say...so when we talk like a waterfall, they feel overwhelmed...they do not want to listen and turn around, but they wanna look nice so they stay and look like they listen...but they not listen....they in there head thinking: I need to shop fort am tired because the dog bared at night, will he Bring the car in repair
Me too! I'm autistic and have ADHD and I talk A LOT. But funnily enough, I was actually encouraged by my 1st grade teacher to keep talking. Not American by the way.
ABSOLUTELY! THANK YOU!! EXACTLY!!! I ALWAYS explained my reasoning for this and many others, everything!! Small words, short sentences. Because if you rely on the, "Because I'm the adult, I know better and I said so", and your kid catches you wrong even once, there's a chance they'll never trust you again. When it's your child, it's not worth the risk. As a Mommy I relied heavily on my memories of what it was to be a child, how it felt to be so small and have no say. How people never listened to us even when we did speak. The total lack of control we had over ANYTHING in our lives and how frightening that was.
Yep, this. Once we explain something to my 10yr old, 9/10 times he just listens. And hes really good at articulating his own needs and boundaries now too so thats been nice.
My parents have always taken the time to explain why the rules are there, and I am super grateful that they took the time to explain it. It’s cool to know that other families do that too!
The fact that she was so passive-aggressively offended of the deep internal work the other woman did to understand the cause and effect of her trauma 😂😂😂❤
I don't see it as passive aggressive or offended. Like she didn't ask for your life story she was just making light small talk. Like wtf is she even supposed to do after That whole speech?
@breerex4957 She's supposed to be introspective about her own life/childhood/parenting choices& Continue the conversation. 🤷♀️ People are viewing her as passive aggressive because of her body language& lack of reciprocation. Lack of openness. Cold and closed off. Maybe thats just...how she is as a person but either way I wouldn't want lady #2 as my friend 🤷♀️
@@diliseamullins7660 I get that. If she was my friend I'd feel really off put. But some random person at the park dumping all that lore right away would make me awkward too 😅
A direct quote from my mother when I was growing up: “You want me to respect you? I’m your mother I don’t need to respect you, but you have to respect me”. 🙃 she was laying into my siblings and I for disregarding most of the things she says, and asked what we wanted. And I genuinely thought about it and simply requested respect. As a kid I was able to realize my parents didn’t respect me, and that was her response. Which is so ironic bc they raise you telling you to stick up for yourself, not to let people disrespect you etc, but won’t let you actually do those things in your own home bc you’re a child, as if that was your choice. And as adults, they’ll agree that they’d never obey or respect someone who doesn’t respect them, but then not understand why their children don’t respect them. There’s a really thin line when it comes to, “acting like a child” and acting like an adult. Children just act like people, and we act like they’re relentless while never actually helping them. Then they grown up to be confused and distressed adults with a backwards idea of what self respect is, and then the cycle continues until someone breaks the cycle for a little bit. I spent my whole childhood literally waiting and counting the years to become an adult. I couldn’t enjoy my childhood bc of my parents and so I wanted to be done with it. Being an adult seemed like the only way I’d get what I wanted, be listened to and be respected. And ofc that’s not the reality of adulthood at all.
Yup. Yup. We have a standing rule that there may be times we need to give an imperative command that they must obey immediately for their safety. We rarely use it and there are specific words we use to surround the command which immediately communicates it is that situation. We usually explain why instructions are given like at the beginning, but we found that it was necessary to have this additional necessary piece for emergencies or intense situations when parental attention cannot be distracted. They know there will be time later to discuss why those commands were given, but that they must be obeyed at the time given.
That is a great policy. While it is beneficial and important to explain the reasoning behind many rules or instructions to children it is also important that they know to obey certain authority figures without an immediate explanation, within reason of course. For example, parents should be able to tell their kid not to touch something dangerous, damage others' property, hurt someone, etc, without first explaining why in detail. Even if they don't understand why they should respect and trust their parents, or whoever enough to obey them in good faith.
That's what my parents did and it was great! We didn't have any special words or anything for sudden commands, though. It was such a rare occurrence, and tone of voice conveyed so much that we obeyed slightly out of shock 😅. They usually explained later, which was cool. I'm doing this with my kids, and my in-laws are confused but supportive.
I’ve had moms do this to me while I was nannying and I always cared and told them they are doing amazing. Kids deserve explanations so when a parent has to explain that listen with love and give them the credit they deserve. ❤️ a few minutes of your time to uplift someone is worth it.
20 years ago my best friend asked why I let my kid "argue" with me about things. For example, when it was time to leave the park, she'd tell her kid and her kid would come over to leave. Mine might stop playing and come over and ask why we needed to leave. This felt disrespectful and problematic to my friend, and I understood why. But on thinking about it, what I told her is that it gave my kid problem-solving tools. In the situation above, for example, if I told her we needed to leave because it was getting too cold she might ask if she could get the coats out of the car and play another fifteen minutes, and I might or might not agree. It gave her the chance to try to get what she wanted while also satisfying the need I had that drove my instructions to her. Two decades later she has a happy and fulfilled kid, peaceful and productive. I have a daughter who is extremely good at managing her own life, taking smart risks in an intelligent way, and working with her coworkers and friends to get the best of situations for everyone.
Love this. I think some parents are afraid to let their children have a voice because they know it would expose that a lot of their decisions/commands don't have a solid justification...they're driven by emotional dysregulation that the parent doesn't know how to cope with internally, so they try to control their child to manage their own feelings (of anger, frustration, boredom, embarrassment, or whatever else it is).
I do the same thing for my kids. I over explain EVERYTHING!! I always hated hearing "because I said so" or "that's just the way it is" when I was a kid. I felt the same way as a kid, like I couldn't question rules because that was just the way it was.
Exactly this my dad explained that you don’t have to listen to all adults or even respect them, some people are bad and then explained in detail how to differentiate situations. He also explained that we had bodily autonomy and we didn’t have to hug or touch anyone at all including family, which made a lot of people mad, which was really weird. Like why would you want to force a child to hug you that doesn’t want to.
THIS! It is vital to help keep them safe. My brother was tickling his daughter without her being okay with it, and so I raised it with him. Sadly, his reflex was to tell me to mind my own business, i was 'overreacting'. 😢
Exactly. My mom actually taught us this inadvertently after church by telling us that she thought our pastor was wrong about some random thing and explaining why. It was all very rational and we were the weird kids at a small church who thought our pastor was dumb.
As long as it’s age appropriate it’s ok. Was at the park w the kids recently and this woman was giving this long explanation about why she can’t jump in the mud to get 2 year old.
I wouldn't take it completely out of the narrative, but I would explain things later if I can. In an emergency I wouldn't want my kids questioning why before doing as I tell them, so I prefer for them to build up a habit of doing as I say in the moment and getting their answers later. Obviously, this comes with other interactions and practices that build up critical thinking skills, but they should know to trust me more than they would other people.
LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It’s EXACTLY why I have always explained with my sons. They use to say, ‘mom, you could just say no!’ To which I explained why I explain and what happened to me as a child and what that did to me also. GREAT JOB, MOMMA! Mine are teenage sons now and very very strong and independent young men. (That respect women very much) ❤❤❤
I constantly have family tell me the same thing about taking the time to explain it to my kid. If they are old enough to question me they are old enough to get an explanation of why we are doing it 🤷🏻♀️
My parents always explained their reasons to me. So on parent-teacher conference, when teachers would say "Your daughter is not at all obedient", my mom would just say "Well good 😊"
My favorite thing as a nanny was explaining to the children the thoughts behind the rules and expectations and why adults act in certain ways that confused them. All the children I helped raise were extremely thoughtful and self aware.
This is so real. Asking questions is a good thing! I will be raising my kids Christian and I dislike when parents put their kids down for asking about certain teachings, it usually comes from the parents not having an answer themselves. We should encourage them to learn and it could even help us to better understand why we believe the things we do. 😊
This was me and my daughters, nieces, nephews, cousins, and students! My mom always said children need to understand the why of our decisions whether they agreed with them or not! I’m in my late 60s so this was not the norm when I grew up but thank God my family was built differently! ❤
My dad has always explained things no matter how much ive questioned him, so much that when i went the why phase i was the one left annoyed at the end. He's always talked to me like he would another adult
Parents have to be really careful with how they handle and interact with their kids. I remember when I was a kid my elder cousin was s-xually @busing me and my parents knew something was going on but thought we were together. I got in trouble for it bc "he's your cousin" (no fcking shit, but idk what a relationship is, I'm like 8) so I grew up absolutely terrified of people thinking I like them or others bc of the way I act but I had thought it was normal bc people do go through this. It took until I was 16 to realise that the amount of anxiety I had surrounding this was *not* normal.
That makes so much sense. When a kid understands why they're not allowed to do something, they are less likely to do it. It's like, "well if you told me why I shouldn't have done it I never would have done it! Your reasoning makes sense and means something to me"
I found myself doing that,it didn't work with my daughter. I finally sat her down and explained that most of the things I asked her were basic the house has to run for everyone to get what they need and homework , kindness and responsibility were things that were a given. I explained that most of the stuff I asked just had to happen,no questions asked. BUT ,,if there was something that she needed to understand or wanted me to rethink , I would. She would come to me every so often and made her case. Worked for us.
All the folks that get it in the comment section, I love this! Most of us are out here trying to give our kids what we didn't get. Things like respect, autonomy, consent, safety. All things all children have a right to.
Bravo LOVE this. The old adage " Because I said so" Leads kids to Not listening at all. case in point my SIL losing her Mind because they Boys didn't listen to her and Kept going back to something in the yard. { it was a skull of a raccoon } The boys were 5 and 4. I took them over and told them what it was and why we shouldn't touch it etc. They didn't go back to it after that. SIL stayed on the couch But tried to get pissy with Me when I came in the House, suddenly I went deaf and had to help in the Kitchen. HA HA
OMG yes!!!!! I was raised in an extremely religious and sheltered household. I was taught to blindly follow what I'm told to do... guess what that lead to.... me being molested, r-ed, and abused as well as not having confidence in myself or my ability to make decisions. Thats why I allow my children to question reasoning behind things. People literally tell me all the time that I'm raising kids who will never respect authority and not do well in life etc, but they actually have massive amounts of respect for authority- they're just smart enough to question whether someone actually has authority over them and whether they're looking out for the best interest of my kids. I often find them explaining why things are bad to other kids when we are out and about places and it reminds me that those parents who talk down about my kids are the ones who raise the kids being TAUGHT by mine. 🙃
I agree, i do the same with my kids. But you can over do this. For example, I am a dental hygienist. I had a mom last week who kept interrupting me to reexplain what i said while adding her own information to it. Standing over him, telling him to open more when i was in an area where opening more lowers my vision. Then she explained their anxiety to me with the kids present. I was in the oldest kids mouth for 30 seconds before he started having a break down. I ended up having to leave the room to let him recoup. This mom totally was the source of the boys anxiety. Kids their age never behave that way. I also know it is not painful. At their age (6 and 8), kids rarely have build up. Its more of a "for fun" cleaning to get use to a dental setting and check for cavities This is why many dental offices dont allow the parents back to the cleaning. Parents are very often a source of anxiety. We do this everyday, all day. Most of us know how to get a kid through an easy, simple cleaning.
I feel this. My mom has some serious anxiety issues and it is absolutely contagious. As an adult now I love her but I dread spending time with her. I've got enough of my own anxiety without the stress of hers always hanging over my head.
@kaylawonnacott6396 I might be reading your comment wrong. I just wanted to make sure I was clear in my comment. The mother was not trauma dumping. She said, "I am over explaining because my kids have anxiety at the dentist." Parents engaging children's anxiety and/or lowering the child's pain threshold is so common that it was brought up in so many of my college classes. Then I started working and watched it so many times. Sometimes, it is just better to hold the child's hand, tell them you are here for them, and that the professionals are here for their best wellbeing is the best thing you can do for the child in these situations. Don't overdo it. It's like having 4 people giving a dog a command. It is just overestimating and anxiety INDUCING.
Yikes, if someone isn’t allowing a trusted adult to accompany a young child someplace I’m gonna question their motives, definitely would find a different place to go
I honestly appreciate the trauma dumping in this situation because it show how thing that parents just brush off can really negatively affect their children well into their adult life so you can adjust your parenting and give your child those explanations so they don’t get lost in life like others. Sharing information like this is actually really helpful, because it shows you the real world negative effects for something as simple as not explaining rules.
I once taught a kindergartener with multiple allergies. At lunch time she would try to grab other kids' food and the lunch staff would just scream at her. She had no idea why she wasn't "allowed" to have certain foods! I sat down with her the first day I saw this (maybe her 3rd day in my class -- she transferred in from another class at the same school in MARCH) and explained it to her. She never had another incident of trying to grab food. What is wrong with most adults?!
For me, my parents always explained why they had rules. I don't remember ever having a rule that i didn't know why we had it. I always appreciated that growing up. Rules weren't arbitrary. They were there for a reason that made sense.
OMG seriously! Even though this is due to trauma it's a good thing to explain rules to your kids for exactly the reasons she said, this also helps them learn better in general, of course there may be times that there isn't enough time to explain something in the moment but can always explain afterwards, this also helps your kid understand that you truly are trying to keep them safe and builds trust
I really appreciate that my parents always explained why I shouldn't do something and if there wasn't a chance to explain in the moment then I always knew that they would explain later. Helped me to trust them and also helped me to be understanding when they didn't "have all the answers". I never did the rebellious teenager thing. Never saw a point to it. My parents trusted me and I trusted them. I hope I can carry that over with my baby.
My mom did this, although with least words, like "don't do that, that's going to hurt"... she taught me that everything I did would have a consequence, weather good or bad 😅. I've learned that mother knows best ❤ and that father always protects (REALLY, LIKE A SHIELD)
I’m a high school teacher and the thing I love hearing from my kids and it’s said time and time again is, how I I took the time to explain things, treated them with respect and never talked down to them. When I asked them to do something they knew why. If I didn’t have the time to explain then I always made sure to explain later. This wasn’t me either, this was my parents 100% ☺️ even at the earliest age my parents took the time to explain EVERY request or rule because they knew: they might impact my behaviour when they were there to watch but at some time they wouldn’t be and they wanted to increase the chances that I’d follow certain rules even when they weren’t there AND they knew that likelihood was increased if we knew why there was a rule or request. That didn’t mean we always liked or agreed with the rule, but it’s hard to argue calmness respect and reason (even if we didn’t fully believe the reason) given time for consistency, this one thing is one of the biggest game changes parents could implement with their kids and for so many reasons - not just having your kids listen and behave better.
I've always felt you explain in situations like this, you build trust with your child, so they understand that you have their best interest at heart, that they are allowed to question things but also you overall have the authority. So when they're running into the street and you say get out of the street. They come running... 😅. We want free thinkers who respect authority but still question things.
I get that you shouldn’t share things with random people but why would you inquire about it if you don’t want to know the answer just don’t hint to people that what their doing is strange if you don’t want an explanation
This is the same reason I tell my toddler daughter that she is safe, loved, smart, valuable, needed, good, and good enough every single day when I drop her off at daycare. I grew up feeling like I was never good enough, and I don't ever want my child to feel that way.
I'm thankful my parents were great on discussion and reasoning. If I didn't like something then I had the opportunity to make an argument for my point, and every now and then it would work.
I understand both sides of this interaction. Both just spilling out your guts on an issue because I needed to get it out, and being the person to awkwardly listen and feeling like this was tmi, but not wanting to shit on people’s trauma. You never know what someone is going through, and as long as it doesn’t push my boundaries, I don’t mind a stranger occasionally giving me too much information. I’ve found it’s only a serious issue when it’s a topic that is personally triggering to me, when it violates other people’s privacy, or when I’m trying to have some sort of relationship with the person, like a friendship, and they repeatedly trauma dump on me, and refuse to stop even when I’ve asked them to.
As an autistic adult, I love this!!! Explaining things gives autonomy because being told to just listen lead to me getting bullied and abused by teachers/staff and later SAed in school multiple times and gas lit by staff I was making a big deal and I swear it's because I fully internalized that whole "listen to all authority figures and they know what's best for you" and my autism had me viewing that in a very black and white way too. I know I'm doing the same as the skit but it's a real thing kids internalize for a long time!
Most of my kids are adults now and yeah they are all amazing, we did the same we always treated our kids with human decency as well as make sure they know how to be critical thinkers with a good grasp on understanding how to treat others. So overall seeing as my kids do some amazing volunteer community service types of things I would say this works as a great way to raise your kids.
This is so important though. I REALLY do NOT want to be a parent anytime soon but I am lowkey soaking up all her knowledge for when/if I become a parent lol.
This is me. Apologizing to my 1.5yo daughter when I raised my voice at her to shout no. What was she doing? About to dip her cookie in the toilet. I explained to her why that was bad, and she said I scared her when I was loud, I apologized and asked if she understood. She said yes and was happy to hop along. We don't always have to shout and be mean to get a point across, sometimes they just need to know why
As a mom who did this with her kids - and my husband always told me I was being way too much and that kids don’t need that - my kids are now 13 and 14. They are kind, respectful, we STILL have these talks, and they TRUST ME with the difficult things they are walking through. Bc they know I’m not going to dismiss them because I didn’t scream and yell and give arbitrary rules to them growing up to this point. You can be a parent with rules and still have enough empathy for your kids to not traumatize them with stupid things. It also makes you step back as a parent and think “am I doing this bc I’m angry or does this make sense?” You become a better person and can re wire your brain that was programmed by bad parents.
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My mom did this - she explained almost every rule. Helped me think critically so if i did break a rule it was on me for the natural consequence. I'm SO glad my mom did this
Wish I could give this comment more likes.
Yes. I didn't know a single person that wanted less explanation unless it was something that was really age- inappropriate, like parentification or R rated details.
Awe, it feels good to hear.
I do this with my sons and they get so bored listening to my explanations. I try to keep them short, but maybe one day they'll appreciate it too.
🎉🎉congrats to you !!!!👏🏻👏🏻🎊
I hated having no explanation for anything from my parents, so now I tend to over explain everything to my kids lol they love to tease me about my "lectures" but I know one day they'll appreciate them ❤
I hated my dad's lectures at the time, but now they live in my brain and heart as a mother. He always explained why he was saying no, it was never just "because I said so." I didn't recognize the significance of those talks until I was older and saw just what he was going through as a parent. Now I find myself saying the same things. There's if a balance because you can't over do it, you can't talk so much your kids just tune you out. That's a hard line to find sometimes!
same here. i’m a teacher at an after school program and they get tired of me explaining over and over the expectations and WHY those are the expectations, but as soon as i just go with “no” or “not allowed,” they question everything. i’d rather them know why those are the rules than feel like they’re not in place for a good reason and break them anyway.
My father inlaw lectures everyone lol it's just how he shows he cares
When they question I ask them why do you think that might be a bad idea.... They usually tell me exactly why its a bad idea... But give them options on a better ideA
Here's what I always say, importance level first. Washing your hands before a meal? Importance level 3. Importance of staying out of the street? Importance level 10. If it's less than a 5, ask questions and I'll do my best to answer. Over 5, obedience first, questions after.
Don’t ask questions if you don’t want the answer 🤷♀️
technically it wasn't a question, it was a remark, but point still stands ❤
Yup. Too often someone gets confused about one of my Things and then l have to decide between a lie or the fucked up reason. It doesn't help that im bad at lying.
THANK YOU! What happened to humans connecting tho? We should feel enriched to talk about these things to each other, industrial modern life just made us too fast to stop and see each other 😭🥲
Exactly!!!!!
@@mandeekeefer6151❤
As someone who craves knowledge, especially about people's lives, I appreciate trauma dumping. I feel like I can actually see the person. We aren't our trauma, but our trauma has literally rewired our brains.
This!! I would LOVE for people to be this real with me whenever we talk. I want to see you and actually connect with you in a deeper, more meaningful way. The way the other woman responded makes me feel like she is kinda bland, closed off/shut down/isn't practiced with sharing, or hasn't done much introspection on her own behaviors/doesn't know herself super well.
“Trauma dumping” is not a thing. It’s no one’s responsibility to sensor their lives to someone else’s sheltered sensibilities. Talking too long about yourself without giving the other person a chance to also share is maybe a thing but I mean if you’re just passive aggressively nodding mmmmhmmm and not taking the openings you were given you’re the problem
My actual intrigue for people trauma dumping to me makes me want to be a therapist. Not only do I love giving out advice, but I also like seeing the effects of these things, especially how different situations as a child that can seem mundane for other adults can be translated and transformed into an idea that child implements into their later life… pretty cool if ya ask me!
I have never heard the term 'trauma dumping' before. I suppose that is what I do. Not in person so much, but online where I'm in places I'm able to.
@@blackroserevolution3989 I like the way you phrased this. I feel like trauma dumping is a term made up by people who don't like being uncomfortable, be it their own trauma or someone else's. it'd not an inconvenience or wrong to talk about trauma, in fact the more we talk about these things, the better we understand one another.
Explaining thoughts and feelings help.They might not always listen, but being open and straight forward tends to help.
You know who I would prefer to be friends with? The lady in grey! She is thoughtful, introspective, and deeply cares about others.
At first I just felt embarrassment because I totally do the over share thing, but I love other over sharers. We learn so much from each other and make life more interesting.
I need as much data as possible. How else am I supposed to make the most appropriate choice?
Plus she's a thinker and not just a go with the flow-er a rare specialty in this day and age.
Ah, when you explain the vibe behind gentle parenting IMMEDIATELY to try and head off any trauma induced blind criticism from other parents who immediately feel attacked.
I don't think that was gently maybe more conscious
They always do!
@@annaburke8537Gentle parenting is conscious and intentional parenting. That was a clear example of gentle parenting - calm voice, explain in a developmentally appropriate way, focus on safety for rules.
@@bookwyrmn I guess.
Yep!
This is not a trauma dump. The one in the pink likely is doing to her child what was done to the other mom as a kid
And likely being passive aggressive and the fact that they were met with communication threw them way off lol
It's such a hard cycle to break due to this isolation once you've healed enough to talk about it. But others can't reach you where you are❤
I mean they’re both her.. so she’s probably intending the video to be interpreted the way she presented it. This absolutely could be a situation, i’ve even experienced it, but this is a skit. It is one woman, acting, on a script SHE wrote. This is a trauma dump if thats the intention of the piece of artwork. Video-creation is a style of artwork.
It's still a trauma dump tho 😂 it's pretty clear from the manic way she's talking (about literal trauma)
yeah this actually is a trauma dump... likely the other person is a total stranger and was not prepared to hear about the childhood of a random person they just met
though the trauma dumpee may also not have any idea what
they're doing
technically the "asker" only commented that they take the time to do something good, not asked about why they do that
Fully explaining what's going on is actually really good, really helps the brain figure things out. Good on you mom.
Reparenting yourself as you try to parent your kids I feel this on a spiritual level.
I love people that deeply answer questions. It’s so much better than bs small talk.
If you don’t wanna chit chat with me, don’t talk to me. I’m a babbler. We are having a conversation the MOMENT you say hello to me. I’m autistic. I have been conditioned that neurotypical people will speak to you if they want a conversation, so thats what I do, but suddenly now people want to start a conversation and then get uncomfortable when I continue it? Then don’t talk to me!! Why talk to someone if you don’t want to talk to anyone?? I just talk to the kiddos, they ask 200 questions about my shy-ass kiddo anyways.
Agreed, why not talk?
2. they do not really wanna talk to us. they try to look nice, they just wanna make small talk. they not interested in us or what we have to say...so when we talk like a waterfall, they feel overwhelmed...they do not want to listen and turn around, but they wanna look nice so they stay and look like they listen...but they not listen....they in there head thinking: I need to shop fort am tired because the dog bared at night, will he Bring the car in repair
@@alice-gv9kb there is a lot of hate that comes out of you ...sorry my dear that you feel that way... feel hugged
Not diagnosed as autistic but same!!!!!
Me too! I'm autistic and have ADHD and I talk A LOT. But funnily enough, I was actually encouraged by my 1st grade teacher to keep talking. Not American by the way.
Shout out to you and all survivors of abusive relationships ❤
ABSOLUTELY! THANK YOU!! EXACTLY!!! I ALWAYS explained my reasoning for this and many others, everything!! Small words, short sentences. Because if you rely on the, "Because I'm the adult, I know better and I said so", and your kid catches you wrong even once, there's a chance they'll never trust you again. When it's your child, it's not worth the risk.
As a Mommy I relied heavily on my memories of what it was to be a child, how it felt to be so small and have no say. How people never listened to us even when we did speak. The total lack of control we had over ANYTHING in our lives and how frightening that was.
Yep, this. Once we explain something to my 10yr old, 9/10 times he just listens. And hes really good at articulating his own needs and boundaries now too so thats been nice.
My parents have always taken the time to explain why the rules are there, and I am super grateful that they took the time to explain it. It’s cool to know that other families do that too!
The fact that she was so passive-aggressively offended of the deep internal work the other woman did to understand the cause and effect of her trauma 😂😂😂❤
I don't see it as passive aggressive or offended. Like she didn't ask for your life story she was just making light small talk. Like wtf is she even supposed to do after
That whole speech?
@breerex4957 She's supposed to be introspective about her own life/childhood/parenting choices& Continue the conversation. 🤷♀️ People are viewing her as passive aggressive because of her body language& lack of reciprocation. Lack of openness. Cold and closed off. Maybe thats just...how she is as a person but either way I wouldn't want lady #2 as my friend 🤷♀️
@@diliseamullins7660 I get that. If she was my friend I'd feel really off put. But some random person at the park dumping all that lore right away would make me awkward too 😅
Everyday I am thankful that my mother taught me to question everything even though it constantly backfired on her. Lol
Such good insight. That would have opened up a friendship line for me, but that’s just me :)
A direct quote from my mother when I was growing up: “You want me to respect you? I’m your mother I don’t need to respect you, but you have to respect me”. 🙃 she was laying into my siblings and I for disregarding most of the things she says, and asked what we wanted. And I genuinely thought about it and simply requested respect. As a kid I was able to realize my parents didn’t respect me, and that was her response. Which is so ironic bc they raise you telling you to stick up for yourself, not to let people disrespect you etc, but won’t let you actually do those things in your own home bc you’re a child, as if that was your choice. And as adults, they’ll agree that they’d never obey or respect someone who doesn’t respect them, but then not understand why their children don’t respect them. There’s a really thin line when it comes to, “acting like a child” and acting like an adult. Children just act like people, and we act like they’re relentless while never actually helping them. Then they grown up to be confused and distressed adults with a backwards idea of what self respect is, and then the cycle continues until someone breaks the cycle for a little bit. I spent my whole childhood literally waiting and counting the years to become an adult. I couldn’t enjoy my childhood bc of my parents and so I wanted to be done with it. Being an adult seemed like the only way I’d get what I wanted, be listened to and be respected. And ofc that’s not the reality of adulthood at all.
Yup. Yup. We have a standing rule that there may be times we need to give an imperative command that they must obey immediately for their safety. We rarely use it and there are specific words we use to surround the command which immediately communicates it is that situation. We usually explain why instructions are given like at the beginning, but we found that it was necessary to have this additional necessary piece for emergencies or intense situations when parental attention cannot be distracted. They know there will be time later to discuss why those commands were given, but that they must be obeyed at the time given.
This is so necessary to and supportive! I'm learning how to set up the 'emergency stop' with my kids. Good job finding ways to do both 😊
That is a great policy. While it is beneficial and important to explain the reasoning behind many rules or instructions to children it is also important that they know to obey certain authority figures without an immediate explanation, within reason of course. For example, parents should be able to tell their kid not to touch something dangerous, damage others' property, hurt someone, etc, without first explaining why in detail. Even if they don't understand why they should respect and trust their parents, or whoever enough to obey them in good faith.
This is so important.
i love this idea! how do you communicate it to your kids? do you say emergency stop or something ?
That's what my parents did and it was great! We didn't have any special words or anything for sudden commands, though. It was such a rare occurrence, and tone of voice conveyed so much that we obeyed slightly out of shock 😅. They usually explained later, which was cool. I'm doing this with my kids, and my in-laws are confused but supportive.
I’ve had moms do this to me while I was nannying and I always cared and told them they are doing amazing. Kids deserve explanations so when a parent has to explain that listen with love and give them the credit they deserve. ❤️ a few minutes of your time to uplift someone is worth it.
20 years ago my best friend asked why I let my kid "argue" with me about things. For example, when it was time to leave the park, she'd tell her kid and her kid would come over to leave. Mine might stop playing and come over and ask why we needed to leave. This felt disrespectful and problematic to my friend, and I understood why.
But on thinking about it, what I told her is that it gave my kid problem-solving tools. In the situation above, for example, if I told her we needed to leave because it was getting too cold she might ask if she could get the coats out of the car and play another fifteen minutes, and I might or might not agree. It gave her the chance to try to get what she wanted while also satisfying the need I had that drove my instructions to her.
Two decades later she has a happy and fulfilled kid, peaceful and productive. I have a daughter who is extremely good at managing her own life, taking smart risks in an intelligent way, and working with her coworkers and friends to get the best of situations for everyone.
Love this. I think some parents are afraid to let their children have a voice because they know it would expose that a lot of their decisions/commands don't have a solid justification...they're driven by emotional dysregulation that the parent doesn't know how to cope with internally, so they try to control their child to manage their own feelings (of anger, frustration, boredom, embarrassment, or whatever else it is).
I do the same thing for my kids. I over explain EVERYTHING!! I always hated hearing "because I said so" or "that's just the way it is" when I was a kid. I felt the same way as a kid, like I couldn't question rules because that was just the way it was.
Unless I'm in a rush, I love when people explain things like this, especially If it is obvious how passionate they are about the topic
Exactly this my dad explained that you don’t have to listen to all adults or even respect them, some people are bad and then explained in detail how to differentiate situations. He also explained that we had bodily autonomy and we didn’t have to hug or touch anyone at all including family, which made a lot of people mad, which was really weird. Like why would you want to force a child to hug you that doesn’t want to.
THIS!
It is vital to help keep them safe. My brother was tickling his daughter without her being okay with it, and so I raised it with him. Sadly, his reflex was to tell me to mind my own business, i was 'overreacting'. 😢
This is phenomenal parenting and I am genuinely happy you had those lessons ❤
Correct! So many children were primed for abuse when they were told to always listen and respect adults.
Exactly. My mom actually taught us this inadvertently after church by telling us that she thought our pastor was wrong about some random thing and explaining why. It was all very rational and we were the weird kids at a small church who thought our pastor was dumb.
As long as it’s age appropriate it’s ok. Was at the park w the kids recently and this woman was giving this long explanation about why she can’t jump in the mud to get 2 year old.
She was in full explaining mode with that mom still, not even being criticized or questioned to start with.
This is what we called "skipping the small talk" before we had the term "trauma dumping" 😅
I prefer the former term 😂
The latter is harsh
This is not what a trauma dump is
I love this so much. You are a great parent
My Mom would explain everything to me and it really helped me understand why she would want me to do or not do things
Props to all the parents taking "Because I said so" out of the narrative
I wouldn't take it completely out of the narrative, but I would explain things later if I can. In an emergency I wouldn't want my kids questioning why before doing as I tell them, so I prefer for them to build up a habit of doing as I say in the moment and getting their answers later. Obviously, this comes with other interactions and practices that build up critical thinking skills, but they should know to trust me more than they would other people.
LOVE THIS SO MUCH!
It’s EXACTLY why I have always explained with my sons. They use to say, ‘mom, you could just say no!’ To which I explained why I explain and what happened to me as a child and what that did to me also.
GREAT JOB, MOMMA!
Mine are teenage sons now and very very strong and independent young men. (That respect women very much) ❤❤❤
Her eyes are big and beautiful i cant stop lookung at them❤❤
I always hated "who told u you could do [blank]??" as a kid bc I always thought _well shit no one told me I couldnt!_
I constantly have family tell me the same thing about taking the time to explain it to my kid. If they are old enough to question me they are old enough to get an explanation of why we are doing it 🤷🏻♀️
If we don't fully disclose our entire life stories the first time we talk one on one...I don't want it ❤
😂
Amen sister
To be honest, I probably would’ve befriended her after that😂😂
Yep, instant best friend right there. I love random introspection.
My parents always explained their reasons to me. So on parent-teacher conference, when teachers would say "Your daughter is not at all obedient", my mom would just say "Well good 😊"
Gentle parenting at its finest!! Gorgeous!!
I feel this so hard 😅 you're a good mom
My favorite thing as a nanny was explaining to the children the thoughts behind the rules and expectations and why adults act in certain ways that confused them. All the children I helped raise were extremely thoughtful and self aware.
I feel like we would be mom park friends. Mom Friends at the park? I appreciate this
I love the explaining girl. It doesn't show trauma dropping. Its showing your humanity and ability to self reflect. My kind of a girlfriend ❤❤❤❤
The snobby, arrogant mmhms while giving the side eye is so accurate.
It's not snobby or arrogant, it's just "I gave you a compliment, I wasn't asking for your whole life story. I don't even know your name."
This is so real. Asking questions is a good thing! I will be raising my kids Christian and I dislike when parents put their kids down for asking about certain teachings, it usually comes from the parents not having an answer themselves. We should encourage them to learn and it could even help us to better understand why we believe the things we do. 😊
This was me and my daughters, nieces, nephews, cousins, and students! My mom always said children need to understand the why of our decisions whether they agreed with them or not! I’m in my late 60s so this was not the norm when I grew up but thank God my family was built differently! ❤
My dad has always explained things no matter how much ive questioned him, so much that when i went the why phase i was the one left annoyed at the end. He's always talked to me like he would another adult
She asked is right. I loved the explanation.
These conversations are my vibe. (:
Parents have to be really careful with how they handle and interact with their kids. I remember when I was a kid my elder cousin was s-xually @busing me and my parents knew something was going on but thought we were together. I got in trouble for it bc "he's your cousin" (no fcking shit, but idk what a relationship is, I'm like 8) so I grew up absolutely terrified of people thinking I like them or others bc of the way I act but I had thought it was normal bc people do go through this. It took until I was 16 to realise that the amount of anxiety I had surrounding this was *not* normal.
That makes so much sense. When a kid understands why they're not allowed to do something, they are less likely to do it. It's like, "well if you told me why I shouldn't have done it I never would have done it! Your reasoning makes sense and means something to me"
i’m very glad my mom was trained as an ECE. learning child psychology plus being a nice person = basically gentle parenting.
I found myself doing that,it didn't work with my daughter. I finally sat her down and explained that most of the things I asked her were basic the house has to run for everyone to get what they need and homework , kindness and responsibility were things that were a given. I explained that most of the stuff I asked just had to happen,no questions asked. BUT ,,if there was something that she needed to understand or wanted me to rethink , I would. She would come to me every so often and made her case. Worked for us.
All the folks that get it in the comment section, I love this! Most of us are out here trying to give our kids what we didn't get. Things like respect, autonomy, consent, safety. All things all children have a right to.
Love TRUTH LOVE Awakening and awareness!! Love your videos and your family you guys are awesome❤❤
Yes!!!, exactly !!! 👉 kids want to know why & kids deserve respect !!! 🎉
🎊🎊 👏🏻👏🏻
I experienced the same !!!shauna!!
Bravo LOVE this.
The old adage " Because I said so" Leads kids to Not listening at all.
case in point my SIL losing her Mind because they Boys didn't listen to her and Kept going back to something in the yard. { it was a skull of a raccoon }
The boys were 5 and 4. I took them over and told them what it was and why we shouldn't touch it etc.
They didn't go back to it after that.
SIL stayed on the couch But tried to get pissy with Me when I came in the House, suddenly I went deaf and had to help in the Kitchen. HA HA
Self advocacy is such an important skill
I have literally said this in many different ways many times over the years! The reaction is pretty spot on!
OMG yes!!!!! I was raised in an extremely religious and sheltered household. I was taught to blindly follow what I'm told to do... guess what that lead to.... me being molested, r-ed, and abused as well as not having confidence in myself or my ability to make decisions. Thats why I allow my children to question reasoning behind things. People literally tell me all the time that I'm raising kids who will never respect authority and not do well in life etc, but they actually have massive amounts of respect for authority- they're just smart enough to question whether someone actually has authority over them and whether they're looking out for the best interest of my kids. I often find them explaining why things are bad to other kids when we are out and about places and it reminds me that those parents who talk down about my kids are the ones who raise the kids being TAUGHT by mine. 🙃
I agree, i do the same with my kids. But you can over do this.
For example, I am a dental hygienist. I had a mom last week who kept interrupting me to reexplain what i said while adding her own information to it. Standing over him, telling him to open more when i was in an area where opening more lowers my vision. Then she explained their anxiety to me with the kids present.
I was in the oldest kids mouth for 30 seconds before he started having a break down. I ended up having to leave the room to let him recoup. This mom totally was the source of the boys anxiety. Kids their age never behave that way. I also know it is not painful. At their age (6 and 8), kids rarely have build up. Its more of a "for fun" cleaning to get use to a dental setting and check for cavities
This is why many dental offices dont allow the parents back to the cleaning. Parents are very often a source of anxiety. We do this everyday, all day. Most of us know how to get a kid through an easy, simple cleaning.
I feel this. My mom has some serious anxiety issues and it is absolutely contagious. As an adult now I love her but I dread spending time with her. I've got enough of my own anxiety without the stress of hers always hanging over my head.
This isn't trauma dumping, this is taking the time to educate someone so hopefully their kid is a little safer moving forward.
@kaylawonnacott6396 I might be reading your comment wrong. I just wanted to make sure I was clear in my comment.
The mother was not trauma dumping. She said, "I am over explaining because my kids have anxiety at the dentist."
Parents engaging children's anxiety and/or lowering the child's pain threshold is so common that it was brought up in so many of my college classes. Then I started working and watched it so many times.
Sometimes, it is just better to hold the child's hand, tell them you are here for them, and that the professionals are here for their best wellbeing is the best thing you can do for the child in these situations. Don't overdo it.
It's like having 4 people giving a dog a command. It is just overestimating and anxiety INDUCING.
Yikes, if someone isn’t allowing a trusted adult to accompany a young child someplace I’m gonna question their motives, definitely would find a different place to go
@@Jessica-ch1yi many people agree with you and do find other offices.
Oh i do this too, my parents told me to do what i’m told or else! So i explain everything
"Omg! Yes! That's why I try to do what you did, too! I always feel weird for doing it! Thank you!"
I honestly appreciate the trauma dumping in this situation because it show how thing that parents just brush off can really negatively affect their children well into their adult life so you can adjust your parenting and give your child those explanations so they don’t get lost in life like others. Sharing information like this is actually really helpful, because it shows you the real world negative effects for something as simple as not explaining rules.
It's really funny that she explained at length why she explains stuff to her kids at length.
She actually didnt explain to her child for Long. Just the Rest. Tht Shows how much Work n reflection ließ behind it.
This helps me as an adult learning why things are the way they are for me
She thouroughly explained to the adult exactly WHY she thoroughly explained to the child.
When you explain things to a kid, that kid becomes so much smarter too 🥰
I once taught a kindergartener with multiple allergies. At lunch time she would try to grab other kids' food and the lunch staff would just scream at her. She had no idea why she wasn't "allowed" to have certain foods! I sat down with her the first day I saw this (maybe her 3rd day in my class -- she transferred in from another class at the same school in MARCH) and explained it to her. She never had another incident of trying to grab food. What is wrong with most adults?!
They weren't raised well themselves, so they take their unresolved traumas and use them to bully the vulnerable.
When I was raising a toddler, I had 3 things I refused to say. "Shut up" "Because I said so", and "Do as I say, not as I do."
For me, my parents always explained why they had rules. I don't remember ever having a rule that i didn't know why we had it. I always appreciated that growing up. Rules weren't arbitrary. They were there for a reason that made sense.
OMG seriously! Even though this is due to trauma it's a good thing to explain rules to your kids for exactly the reasons she said, this also helps them learn better in general, of course there may be times that there isn't enough time to explain something in the moment but can always explain afterwards, this also helps your kid understand that you truly are trying to keep them safe and builds trust
Omg what a shared experience. Being a good girl literally made me feel so muzzled. I’m still fighting it.
sign of intellect and education right there!!
I really appreciate that my parents always explained why I shouldn't do something and if there wasn't a chance to explain in the moment then I always knew that they would explain later. Helped me to trust them and also helped me to be understanding when they didn't "have all the answers". I never did the rebellious teenager thing. Never saw a point to it. My parents trusted me and I trusted them. I hope I can carry that over with my baby.
My mom did this, although with least words, like "don't do that, that's going to hurt"... she taught me that everything I did would have a consequence, weather good or bad 😅. I've learned that mother knows best ❤ and that father always protects (REALLY, LIKE A SHIELD)
I admire you so much, you are so important ❤
Yep same, this is why I explain things to my kids.
I’m a high school teacher and the thing I love hearing from my kids and it’s said time and time again is, how I I took the time to explain things, treated them with respect and never talked down to them. When I asked them to do something they knew why. If I didn’t have the time to explain then I always made sure to explain later. This wasn’t me either, this was my parents 100% ☺️ even at the earliest age my parents took the time to explain EVERY request or rule because they knew: they might impact my behaviour when they were there to watch but at some time they wouldn’t be and they wanted to increase the chances that I’d follow certain rules even when they weren’t there AND they knew that likelihood was increased if we knew why there was a rule or request.
That didn’t mean we always liked or agreed with the rule, but it’s hard to argue calmness respect and reason (even if we didn’t fully believe the reason) given time for consistency, this one thing is one of the biggest game changes parents could implement with their kids and for so many reasons - not just having your kids listen and behave better.
I've always felt you explain in situations like this, you build trust with your child, so they understand that you have their best interest at heart, that they are allowed to question things but also you overall have the authority. So when they're running into the street and you say get out of the street. They come running... 😅. We want free thinkers who respect authority but still question things.
I get that you shouldn’t share things with random people but why would you inquire about it if you don’t want to know the answer just don’t hint to people that what their doing is strange if you don’t want an explanation
Lmao the shimmy away
Omg a parent with real fucking human thoughts😅😮❤
Wow this is spot on! Sounded like I was listening to myself though I never considered why I do that…
This is the same reason I tell my toddler daughter that she is safe, loved, smart, valuable, needed, good, and good enough every single day when I drop her off at daycare. I grew up feeling like I was never good enough, and I don't ever want my child to feel that way.
You're not wrong 🤣
I do it, too
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE 🎉
This has the perfect timing
OMG, thank you 🥲
I'm thankful my parents were great on discussion and reasoning. If I didn't like something then I had the opportunity to make an argument for my point, and every now and then it would work.
I understand both sides of this interaction. Both just spilling out your guts on an issue because I needed to get it out, and being the person to awkwardly listen and feeling like this was tmi, but not wanting to shit on people’s trauma. You never know what someone is going through, and as long as it doesn’t push my boundaries, I don’t mind a stranger occasionally giving me too much information. I’ve found it’s only a serious issue when it’s a topic that is personally triggering to me, when it violates other people’s privacy, or when I’m trying to have some sort of relationship with the person, like a friendship, and they repeatedly trauma dump on me, and refuse to stop even when I’ve asked them to.
I think that was a clear and concise answer.
As an autistic adult, I love this!!! Explaining things gives autonomy because being told to just listen lead to me getting bullied and abused by teachers/staff and later SAed in school multiple times and gas lit by staff I was making a big deal and I swear it's because I fully internalized that whole "listen to all authority figures and they know what's best for you" and my autism had me viewing that in a very black and white way too. I know I'm doing the same as the skit but it's a real thing kids internalize for a long time!
I feel the exact same way. Hoping to do the same with my future kiddos ❤
Most of my kids are adults now and yeah they are all amazing, we did the same we always treated our kids with human decency as well as make sure they know how to be critical thinkers with a good grasp on understanding how to treat others. So overall seeing as my kids do some amazing volunteer community service types of things I would say this works as a great way to raise your kids.
❤ love this so much! I do try to practice this as much as possible
This is so important though. I REALLY do NOT want to be a parent anytime soon but I am lowkey soaking up all her knowledge for when/if I become a parent lol.
See, that seems like a COMPLETELY normal conversation to me 😂
This is me. Apologizing to my 1.5yo daughter when I raised my voice at her to shout no. What was she doing? About to dip her cookie in the toilet. I explained to her why that was bad, and she said I scared her when I was loud, I apologized and asked if she understood. She said yes and was happy to hop along. We don't always have to shout and be mean to get a point across, sometimes they just need to know why
I don’t know why you don’t have a million followers. You are amazing.
Honestly, that seems like a perfectly normal response. 😂
As a mom who did this with her kids - and my husband always told me I was being way too much and that kids don’t need that - my kids are now 13 and 14. They are kind, respectful, we STILL have these talks, and they TRUST ME with the difficult things they are walking through. Bc they know I’m not going to dismiss them because I didn’t scream and yell and give arbitrary rules to them growing up to this point. You can be a parent with rules and still have enough empathy for your kids to not traumatize them with stupid things. It also makes you step back as a parent and think “am I doing this bc I’m angry or does this make sense?” You become a better person and can re wire your brain that was programmed by bad parents.