Excellent and important message. If you express your needs and boundaries and it causes them to discard you, then consider lucky. There never was a real relationship.
It's so hard to trust again after dealing with an avoidant, and move on. The trauma of being discarded abruptly makes one question their ability to really have confidence in seeing people how they truly are.
take this feeling... and imagine this hits you when you're three years old... and it doesn't get better for a very long time... and then you'll know why avoidants are avoidant
@ Yes, but they aren't 3yo anymore. It is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK ON THEIR MENTAL ISSUES. Because they are hurting the others - innocent people who are willing to offer them a lot and to help them.
🤔You get discarded generally because you stuck around too long...In most cases the 🚩s were there beforehand but folks overlooked it or made excuses for the unhealthy behaviors they started to 👀.It's usually like Donkey Kong riding in a mine kart & if you pay close attention you'll see up ahead that the track ends so if you take those 🚩s seriously once they begin to surface, you'll make the mine kart jump into another track instead of waiting to fly off the one that ends.This is why a lot of times SAs walk away before a discard is even able to take place but the poor Anxious Preoccupied folks stick around until they get discarded.
@@rulebreaker666I understand why Avoidants do it...But it's delusional to try to use that as an excuse/crutch for their behavior.That other comment was a perfect example of how few Avoidants seek therapy & recovery, they really do have a badly ingrained habit of pointing the ☝🏻 at everyone else & not 👀 within themselves.
thank you for reminding, listen to your videos makes me come back to think clear again when I get lost in grief from the love who suddenly ran away ghosted an disappeared when I needed his support .Through the relationship I hold boundaries, many times I had to and when he pulled away I told him that I needed communication, but things flipped and I ended up being anxious and have working on finding my secure feeling since , for almost a year now . I have pulled myself up and got stronger, but sometimes I fall into this grief mode . I could use someone telling me this every day that it’s a waste of time grieving about a man who is not emotionally available. Some days ago I asked him for closure so I can move on with my life, I know it’s very naive of me . I’m the only one who can lift myself from my this misery .
Needed this today. Holding boundary is exhausting. A girl ended dating with me because, in her own words "it might be shallow, but physical attraction does matter to me", but also "wanted to stay as a friend as I have wisdom to offer". Nope. I do not offer my presence, attention, wisdom, and validation to anyone who is not aligned with my goals, principles, and circles. Her only rejoinder was "well, we're not doing business". Sorry, but I am in the business of protecting my time and energy against those who do not reciprocate, have nothing to give, and everything to take.
Yes, mate. Smelling friendzone is the instant ultimatum time. Anyone should do this, so they would not feel themselves so attractive and powerful with an excess of potential partners they can choose from like it's some store.
As a secure person I did this: I broke up with an avoidant girl two days ago and said: "Sorry, it's not going to work this way. I can't stand this corrupted connection and lack of emotional intimacy. I wish you to be happy with someone who will be able to deal with this, goodbye.". I ENDED IT. Because its NOW WORTH IT. I feel bad for her, wanted to do anything in my power for her, but it seems like she don't need it. It started as a fairy tale and the best part was just 1.5 months and after that something broke and it's never got back on track no matter how hard I've tried. It's really heart-breaking, but I can't do anything about it.
@@Miriam-ul4ke never get past the honeymoon stage? so you haven't spent six years running rings around your avoidant boyfriend because you're so good at the game? which version did you lie about?
@ Yeah, I started to feel I'm losing myself, got anxious, even thought I have anxious attachment style.. while in all my previous relationships it wasn't like that never ever. They badly affect your mind, because they actions are irrational and illogical. The more you care and love them the more they are distancing.
So mine has pulled away and it’s been nearly 3 months. He came to see me a month ago and I held my boundaries strong. He pulled away again. Last week he contacted to meet me somewhere and I refused to see him at that point and choose another. He read my message and disappear started doing his things and messaged me after two hours to say he will plan to meet next week. Since then he has disappeared again. It’s a never ending cycle. (He is my husband of 3 years .. sadly)
Your only sane option: divorce. The pain you are going to endure is going to get worse. The pulling away may lead to infidelity. You have two choices: deal with the growing pain from him and he discards you later on or deal with the pain of leaving him and finding a more fulfilling relationship after you work on yourself.
So true! My biggest tip to anyone dating: take your time! At least a year, than red flags will have shown up. And nr 2: when it looks too good to be true, it probably is. ❤
You can Google around for questions to ask to see if someone is emotionally available, reciprocal, how they handle conflict and more. Since the impact of being with an avoidant can be devastating, it’s best to try and sniff that out ASAP so you can move on from them quickly. Questions about “how you feel” about situations, how do you emotionally support your partner, how can someone emotionally support you, those questions will draw out the avoidant in someone. How they answer them will reveal those red flags. You will become the Red Flag Whisperer. Ever since the DA and I broke up, I have been working like a madman to find or develop the questions to ask women I am getting to know to reveal their avoidant side of any other characteristics that I won’t tolerate. I was successfully able to screen out 3 women in a matter of two weeks or less. Listening closely and observing behavior is key as people will let their red flags slip out in everyday conversation and actions.
Questions I have asked: 1) How did you FEEL about your last relationship and how it ended? 2) What are your FEELINGS towards x, y, .? 3) What do you FEEL you have learned from your last relationship that you can apply with us to make it better? 4) How do you communicate with your partner to resolve issues within your relationship? 5) What are your feelings concerning taking space in a relationship as a part of solving disagreements within your relationship? 6) What do you feel are some things you can do to help resolve issues between you and your partner? 7) What trusted people in your life do you turn to for help in getting through tough times within your relationship? Listen closely to the answer and how it is communicated. This tells you a lot and may reveal deal breaker behavior and red flags that require terminating any movement forward with said person. 8) How do you feel about maintaining friendships and / or other connections with exes that did not end on bad terms? 9) Do you feel you hang out with exes too often, not enough or just enough? Anything other than “I don’t hang out with exes at all” is a big red flag and I will end things immediately.
@@RayRayNDemUSA I just screenshoted all this, I hope you don't mind🤗.It's actually great advice.I just now realized...A big "perk" to avoidants is that they're usually not very self-aware so it's unlikely that they'll be able to try to actively hide their unhealthy avoidant tendencies when asked about their feelings, conflict resolution, need for space, etc.
Yup, it’s usually code word for “I trust someone else and I am going to play with them while keeping you on the hook.” Classic narc / avoidant move. As soon as you hear “I need some space”, offer it, permanently. A relationship that is healthy and reciprocal will draw you in to work out the issue, not ask for “space”.
If you're the Avoidant that got ditched after trying to do the old push/pull dance with someone that has a secure attachment....Let it be the wakeup call to finally stay out of the dating/romance pool and get into therapy & take it seriously before even 💭 about the possibility of pursuing romance.The thing about SAs is that we're kinda in-between anxious & avoidant so we'll absolutely genuinely love you, however we'll also usually walk away once we realize someone is unhealthy for us too.We have a way of showing you how healthy or unhealthy you are because we usually don't linger around unhealthy people.
Heck no. They broke up with you or you broke up with them. Accept that blessing and never, ever give them access to your life again. Don’t respond and block them…..and I mean DON’T give them an ounce of your energy. Keep up strong walls to them. They will eventually see you are not playing around and they will leave you alone.
Funny thing is I learned to walk away quickly and have since started leaning away from anxious and leaning more secure. Feeling that burn from a DA and then committing to improving no matter what is freeing.
@@Intentivelyoptimistic1750 yes I'm avoidant due to major depression. never cheated, never abused, never blamed others for my mistakes. got into attachment theory as part of my therapy work. found myself called a lying cheating narcissist with no conscience just because I identify as DA. then people wonder why DAs won't watch this content.
Excellent and important message. If you express your needs and boundaries and it causes them to discard you, then consider lucky. There never was a real relationship.
I needed to hear this today.
Thank you.
Held my boundaries and he ran away. oh well, bye!
Good job. This people must DEAL with their issues and this is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY. Otherwise they are hurting the others and also themselves too.
@ I agree it's their responsibility if they can't handle the emotional depth.
It's so hard to trust again after dealing with an avoidant, and move on. The trauma of being discarded abruptly makes one question their ability to really have confidence in seeing people how they truly are.
take this feeling... and imagine this hits you when you're three years old... and it doesn't get better for a very long time... and then you'll know why avoidants are avoidant
@ Yes, but they aren't 3yo anymore. It is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK ON THEIR MENTAL ISSUES. Because they are hurting the others - innocent people who are willing to offer them a lot and to help them.
@@rulebreaker666 be sure tell catherine here it's her responsibility to work on her mental issues.
🤔You get discarded generally because you stuck around too long...In most cases the 🚩s were there beforehand but folks overlooked it or made excuses for the unhealthy behaviors they started to 👀.It's usually like Donkey Kong riding in a mine kart & if you pay close attention you'll see up ahead that the track ends so if you take those 🚩s seriously once they begin to surface, you'll make the mine kart jump into another track instead of waiting to fly off the one that ends.This is why a lot of times SAs walk away before a discard is even able to take place but the poor Anxious Preoccupied folks stick around until they get discarded.
@@rulebreaker666I understand why Avoidants do it...But it's delusional to try to use that as an excuse/crutch for their behavior.That other comment was a perfect example of how few Avoidants seek therapy & recovery, they really do have a badly ingrained habit of pointing the ☝🏻 at everyone else & not 👀 within themselves.
thank you for reminding, listen to your videos makes me come back to think clear again when I get lost in grief from the love who suddenly ran away ghosted an disappeared when I needed his support .Through the relationship I hold boundaries, many times I had to and when he pulled away I told him that I needed communication, but things flipped and I ended up being anxious and have working on finding my secure feeling since , for almost a year now . I have pulled myself up and got stronger, but sometimes I fall into this grief mode . I could use someone telling me this every day that it’s a waste of time grieving about a man who is not emotionally available. Some days ago I asked him for closure so I can move on with my life, I know it’s very naive of me . I’m the only one who can lift myself from my this misery .
I’ve been communicating this so many times to an avoidant the answer I always get “ we are different and I think I have communicated enough “
Needed this today. Holding boundary is exhausting.
A girl ended dating with me because, in her own words "it might be shallow, but physical attraction does matter to me", but also "wanted to stay as a friend as I have wisdom to offer".
Nope. I do not offer my presence, attention, wisdom, and validation to anyone who is not aligned with my goals, principles, and circles.
Her only rejoinder was "well, we're not doing business". Sorry, but I am in the business of protecting my time and energy against those who do not reciprocate, have nothing to give, and everything to take.
fair play 👍🏻
Your comment is so powerful, I took a screenshot of it.
Wow. Impressive. Same. Admiring this. Way to go
Yes, mate. Smelling friendzone is the instant ultimatum time. Anyone should do this, so they would not feel themselves so attractive and powerful with an excess of potential partners they can choose from like it's some store.
@@Amoki86 i agree, well done.
Trying so hard to maneuver through all this. Your insight is immeasurable. Thank you
Willful ignorance will cause you more pain than you could ever imagine.
As a secure person I did this: I broke up with an avoidant girl two days ago and said: "Sorry, it's not going to work this way. I can't stand this corrupted connection and lack of emotional intimacy. I wish you to be happy with someone who will be able to deal with this, goodbye.".
I ENDED IT. Because its NOW WORTH IT. I feel bad for her, wanted to do anything in my power for her, but it seems like she don't need it. It started as a fairy tale and the best part was just 1.5 months and after that something broke and it's never got back on track no matter how hard I've tried. It's really heart-breaking, but I can't do anything about it.
@rulebreaker666 this is why secure people never get passed the honeymoon stage with avoidants. It wont work, secures wont put up with it.
It does hurt and important to process the breakup. Be so proud of sticking to your boundaries and not conforming.
@@Miriam-ul4ke 💯💯
@@Miriam-ul4ke never get past the honeymoon stage? so you haven't spent six years running rings around your avoidant boyfriend because you're so good at the game? which version did you lie about?
@ Yeah, I started to feel I'm losing myself, got anxious, even thought I have anxious attachment style.. while in all my previous relationships it wasn't like that never ever. They badly affect your mind, because they actions are irrational and illogical. The more you care and love them the more they are distancing.
This is your best video so far. Extremely helpful.
So mine has pulled away and it’s been nearly 3 months. He came to see me a month ago and I held my boundaries strong. He pulled away again. Last week he contacted to meet me somewhere and I refused to see him at that point and choose another. He read my message and disappear started doing his things and messaged me after two hours to say he will plan to meet next week. Since then he has disappeared again.
It’s a never ending cycle. (He is my husband of 3 years .. sadly)
HUSBAND!? oh girl noooo… sadly indeed
Dear goodness you got a smoking backfiring jalopy for a spouse unfortunately.😬
Oh I'm so so sorry
Your only sane option: divorce. The pain you are going to endure is going to get worse. The pulling away may lead to infidelity. You have two choices: deal with the growing pain from him and he discards you later on or deal with the pain of leaving him and finding a more fulfilling relationship after you work on yourself.
So true! My biggest tip to anyone dating: take your time! At least a year, than red flags will have shown up. And nr 2: when it looks too good to be true, it probably is. ❤
If you have good discernment from being educated you'll 👀 🚩s for various toxic types usually within 3-6 months.🤓👍🏻
@@malwads1836yes, that’s why a year. When I was in my 20-ies I thought I new a lot about people. Not. 😅
You can Google around for questions to ask to see if someone is emotionally available, reciprocal, how they handle conflict and more. Since the impact of being with an avoidant can be devastating, it’s best to try and sniff that out ASAP so you can move on from them quickly.
Questions about “how you feel” about situations, how do you emotionally support your partner, how can someone emotionally support you, those questions will draw out the avoidant in someone. How they answer them will reveal those red flags. You will become the Red Flag Whisperer. Ever since the DA and I broke up, I have been working like a madman to find or develop the questions to ask women I am getting to know to reveal their avoidant side of any other characteristics that I won’t tolerate. I was successfully able to screen out 3 women in a matter of two weeks or less. Listening closely and observing behavior is key as people will let their red flags slip out in everyday conversation and actions.
Questions I have asked:
1) How did you FEEL about your last relationship and how it ended?
2) What are your FEELINGS towards x, y, .?
3) What do you FEEL you have learned from your last relationship that you can apply with us to make it better?
4) How do you communicate with your partner to resolve issues within your relationship?
5) What are your feelings concerning taking space in a relationship as a part of solving disagreements within your relationship?
6) What do you feel are some things you can do to help resolve issues between you and your partner?
7) What trusted people in your life do you turn to for help in getting through tough times within your relationship? Listen closely to the answer and how it is communicated. This tells you a lot and may reveal deal breaker behavior and red flags that require terminating any movement forward with said person.
8) How do you feel about maintaining friendships and / or other connections with exes that did not end on bad terms?
9) Do you feel you hang out with exes too often, not enough or just enough? Anything other than “I don’t hang out with exes at all” is a big red flag and I will end things immediately.
@@RayRayNDemUSA I just screenshoted all this, I hope you don't mind🤗.It's actually great advice.I just now realized...A big "perk" to avoidants is that they're usually not very self-aware so it's unlikely that they'll be able to try to actively hide their unhealthy avoidant tendencies when asked about their feelings, conflict resolution, need for space, etc.
Asking for space from the other person means that they don't trust you with their triggers and themselves. Don't even buy into that.
Yup, it’s usually code word for “I trust someone else and I am going to play with them while keeping you on the hook.” Classic narc / avoidant move. As soon as you hear “I need some space”, offer it, permanently. A relationship that is healthy and reciprocal will draw you in to work out the issue, not ask for “space”.
But that's not my boundary. I don't need someone to explain their distance to me.
Yeah ..what happened was he ended it even tho he loved me...
If you're the Avoidant that got ditched after trying to do the old push/pull dance with someone that has a secure attachment....Let it be the wakeup call to finally stay out of the dating/romance pool and get into therapy & take it seriously before even 💭 about the possibility of pursuing romance.The thing about SAs is that we're kinda in-between anxious & avoidant so we'll absolutely genuinely love you, however we'll also usually walk away once we realize someone is unhealthy for us too.We have a way of showing you how healthy or unhealthy you are because we usually don't linger around unhealthy people.
Should u ask them what changed??
Heck no. They broke up with you or you broke up with them. Accept that blessing and never, ever give them access to your life again. Don’t respond and block them…..and I mean DON’T give them an ounce of your energy. Keep up strong walls to them. They will eventually see you are not playing around and they will leave you alone.
No point
Block & delete them and maintain permanent no-contact, there's nothing you can do to help them but you can absolutely save yourself.
...We walk away typically pretty quickly, unless we wish to eventually end up being anxious preoccupied eventually.
Funny thing is I learned to walk away quickly and have since started leaning away from anxious and leaning more secure. Feeling that burn from a DA and then committing to improving no matter what is freeing.
Notice what's not on the list? Find a TH-cam comment section to badmouth avoidants because you're still salty about a breakup from six months ago.
Are you avoidant?
@@WrittenMysteries ive been with one for six years, i run rings around him, when you know what your doing the game is easy.
@@Intentivelyoptimistic1750 yes I'm avoidant due to major depression. never cheated, never abused, never blamed others for my mistakes. got into attachment theory as part of my therapy work. found myself called a lying cheating narcissist with no conscience just because I identify as DA. then people wonder why DAs won't watch this content.
@@Miriam-ul4ke imagine bragging that you play toxic games with broken people. behold the Secure Attachment in all its glory.
Miriam: when you know what you're doing the game is easy
Also Miriam: secure people won't put up with this
Ha, ha, they will be like road runner. Only 1 percent change.. 😂😂😂
Beep Beep!🏃🏻♀️💨💨💨