Midweek with Dr. C- A Narcissist’s Emotional Vulnerabilities
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Mentally and physically abused. I'm trying to heal.
Me too 😢
I've had to let my son go.
He has chosen to not respond to me reaching out. And I have chosen not to reach out anymore. He wants to see me hurt so I stopped. If he wants to be in my life he would make a way to do so.
me to!!!!!! Dr Carter has the best voice for healing purposes
Dr. Carter, I overheard my husband bad mouthing me to his family when he failed to end the phone call I had with him.
When he got home and I asked him about it and he denied saying what i heard him say about me.
It's maddening when a narcissist cannot admit and talk things through.
Nothing us ever resolved.
I’m also living with my narcissist- In my case, my mother, who is 87 and experiencing physical decline on a number of fronts. I’ve had a professional and health setback recently myself and I’m living with her temporarily for economic reasons. As you may imagine I am extremely depressed to be in this situation, 40 years after leaving home for college. I always knew my mother was a critical person, a trait inherited from her mother, but living with her again as an adult I see clearly that she meets all the criteria for a fragile covert narcissist. Unofficially I am her home healthcare provider because she has neuropathy in her hands and cannot administer herself her own medication. I do this for her four times a day, plus cook meals and do some housekeeping all in the full knowledge that I will never receive any gratitude for this. Because she’s my mother and we are somewhat codependent on each other and present, I can’t walk away from her The way you possibly can. Anybody in a relationship with a narcissist that they can walk away from, they should do it, because whatever you have now is as good as it’s ever going to get. These people are in capable of self reflection, remorse, empathy or ability to admit fault. Ever. It doesn’t matter if you drag them to therapy- they will present a facade of concern and caring and also the wounded victim for outside parties. You really have to live with them at close range to see the real ugly inner self. This has been even further devastating to my self-esteem because it’s made me question my entire childhood, The purpose for my life and whether she ever actually loved my father. I know she treated him like dirt the same way that she treats her children, all the while being completely dependent upon him for support and expecting him to provide everything for her. She is a selfish, shallow, vain Nasty person, and if she never in fact loved the father of her children and then I feel like my entire existence is a fraud. My midlife crisis is here and it’s a doozy. My sisters and I actually pray that God will take her soon in her sleep so that we don’t have to deal with another eight or 10 years which she could easily live for it just for spite. If you can make a clean break from your narcissist, please do so. Even if it means economic instability for you and your kids, there are agencies that can help. You will never ever enjoy any peace of mind, joy in life or self esteem as long as you are tied to this person and your children certainly won’t. Our father died unexpectedly after heart surgery 20 years ago, We still miss him every day, but it comforts me to frame it as God taking him away from her abuse. She is completely awful. God bless you and give you the strength to do what you need to do.
I replied to your comment earlier but it’s been blitzed so I will try again. Sorry you experience such negativity and disloyalty from your narcissistic partner who runs you down to his family. But at least now you are armed with knowledge that it’s happening. Assume that it has been happening as long as you’ve been together behind your back and will continue every time he talks to his family. I’m guessing that if his mother is still living, she is and always will be number one in his life. Now that I’m back home living with my narcissist mother, it’s been brought home to me that this behavior is hardwired in them, and no amount of therapy or begging for them to stop will alter their behavior in any significant way. Narcissists only experience personal relationships in terms of What their partner can do for them. Are you prepared for him to run you down to his family forever? If it hasn’t already, it will eventually escalate to running you down to your face in front of them. You’ve got to balance the pros if any to staying with a partner who is so insidiously disrespectful to you. It’s a sure thing that none of his family respects you either.
Resolve accomplished for me when I moved out and stopped all conversing. I didn't have closure but I do have peace.
The only times I ever saw the narcissist vulnerable was when he was dieing. And even then, he was guarded and contemptible. A sad inhuman state. I wish I could say I miss him, but I truly don't from the depths of my soul. His arrogance and know it all speech to our adult sons hrs before he died made me physically sick listening to him.
A disaster until the very end. So glad it is over and I continue on my healing journey with you Dr. C. And Team Healthy. Thank you!❤😂
It’s not just the knowledge we get from Dr C it is the healing he imparts to us as well, his understanding, his genuine care and compassion straight from his heart to ours, and his humour and his gentle way. We get that, all wrapped up in the astounding expertise and years of experience he has, so we can breath and go oh my goodness now I understand. It is gold, it is treasure.
Again, I’m so grateful.
Here's what I did when he was in a yelling rage fit. I went to the other room, he followed, I then went outside on the porch. He locked the door, still yelling! I took my phone from my pocket & said I WILL dial 911 if you don't unlock the door NOW! I had my finger right above the "9" button! That door opened with the quickness! I've proven that I do follow up on my "threats"! Treating him like an annoying roommate works for me.
It was a big turning point for me too when I finally reached the point where I could say I would leave him if there were any further attempts or threats of physical violence.. He too read the resolve in my eyes and backed off. Sometimes I think this could still be a temporary position. Who knows where their mind might go; but, for now, things seem OK and this event probably happened more than 2 years ago. I wish you well and hope things continue to work out for you.
My daughter is under the influence of modern theories of how to raise a healthy child, e.g. she doesn't give him the same food more than once a day. The 4year old goes to bed hungry because she denies him milk since he has had some milk already. He is a bad eater, why not give him what he
wants ,he isn't asking for anything special. I told her that she doesn't have empathy for her child, but of course she objects to it.
@@mariazalogina677 This is so sad. Any consideration toward having him removed from her care?
@@Rachel-mz8ko Well, it's impossible. Her husband is her enabler,his mother is afraid to talk with him for she does not want him to argue with his wife. And besides my daughter believes that she knows everything better because she's a doctor.
@@mariazalogina677 Oh, good grief! Don't get me started on doctors! It does sound like it would be a difficult case to establish.
My daughter n law took my sons phone and attacked me pretending to be my son. I know how he writes and thinks so I knew it was her. She is toxic so decided to distance my involvement but still show support for my son as I know he will suffer at her hands.
This happened to me too It’s called Mimicry. Stay Strong ❤
The dil has completely alienated our son and grandchildren from our entire family
Wow. she is disturbed AND disturbing
I’m sorry she was so nasty to you! Out of curiosity, how do you know it was her? Did you ask your son who sent it?
@@espiritu_ Yes in my case my son did say .Crazy thing was he was talking to me on the phone when her message came through on email.
"Forgive me!" Is a rapid demand--once caught. ALWAYS forgiveness is demanded, from the victim(s), never from the one who damaged. And it means quit being so bad, quit so I can go back to what I was doing. NOW.
Curious how that fits so many of them. "Poor me, I didn't know xyz.," fill in the blanks. Also curious how they howl when they can't get out of it. Like, they are the one damaged. The only one damaged.
I never really got a "forgive me" but rather a "stop" being upset.
Yeah. That too. Like, quit crying, I'm done beating you now.
My nex once told me he felt as a child that he never fit in. That's the most he ever disclosed about his childhood. He fancied himself a cowboy. He wore cowboy boots, hats, western wear, etc. His dad had been an executive with GE, and the nex's profession was trucking. When I finally stopped caring for him and no longer gave a hoot about anything he did, he got all bent out of shape about it. It was like he fed off of my affection. Once i learned about narcissism, that aspect of our "relationship" really creeped me out.
I’ve learned over years of observation, highly narcissistic people are extremely frightened of sharing meaningful words ❤😌
like Jesus...they hate that word
Why can't the narcissist get the hint and go away without causing trouble?
If they won't leave, we can.
Causing trouble is just a means to an end for them. It's a useful strategy to get what they want.
My former narcissist loved using young children to get supply and feed his ego. Once they reached age 5-6, it stopped working. I thought he was a good parent until I realized what he was doing. I saw this pattern repeat over a 20 year timespan whenever he was in the presence of toddlers. He did a similar thing with dogs. He doesn't really like dogs but he would put on a show of being a dog lover to impress people.
I really like your definition for forgiveness, "you don't owe me anything ".
Sometimes I wonder why when healthy people choose to distance themselves from narcissists, why do the narcissists flip things around and tell people that they themselves distanced themselves from said healthy people? Why not just say “so and so have chosen not to speak to me anymore”? It’s like they want to appear as the ones who made the decision to distance themselves or to go no contact.
So true.
They like to say the empath is the dangerous one lol.
My adult son is slowly spiraling out of control. The family he has & needs cannot help him he has ceased all communication EXCEPT he keeps contact with his uncle because uncle steps and fetches for him....and he is very distrespectful to his uncle..but he takes it and continues to do things for him! I informed my uncle that he's only being used, It's all so sad & waste of life.
No way I can afford it. Congratulations on getting it all together.
Lets throw in some more words, from Texas, just look at our Doctor Carter, he shares his love with us, im talking his guest, his family, our Gus, man Linda this is wonderful, howdy community
For the record- Team Healthy: sending good vibes
There is a vast difference between someone who has given their life to the profession for 45 years and understands it to such a degree that they can literally save lives, and someone who is trying to be noticed on TH-cam. Dr Carter expressed my life back to me in ways were it helped me to understand it, what has happened and why. He described it to me as if he had been in the room so to speak. It was like someone walking up to me and saying I’m going to help you understand what has been going on here. You know the “real deal” when you have actually lived through it because the person speaks to your very soul and touches it and heals it and picks you up out of that disarray with their insights and depth of understanding and compassion for your experience. No one can heal unless they have completely comprehended this subject in every way from every side, otherwise it is just superficial and doesn’t do the job.
Just so grateful because I have actually lived through this throughout my life and so it is deeply applicable and healing for me.
ditto
Thank you for your videos. It has been extremely beneficial to my family. We have been dealing with a narcissistic family system that became worse when my husband retired, and we decided to snowbird to Florida. The competition/comparison games raged until we went no contact. Life is peaceful and manageable now. Finally stopped trying to figure them out and walking on eggshells.
Walking on,egg shells, walk on by linda, our Doctor can make my day, my community man, go team healthy
Thank you 😊
You're welcome
For the record- Technical Support Team: thank you 😊: again: thank you 😊
#TeamHealthy
One of my favorite videos Dr Carter made in the last 2 plus years
Thank you very much for another brilliant teaching video, Dr. C! In a future video would you please say more about that narcissistic judgment you talked about today in relationship to those tell-tale adolescent like behaviors we also see in developing teenagers. Would you also speak more about narcissistic passive-aggressive contempt and give some examples of what that really looks like in our everyday interactions with narcissists?
Thank you so much for your work, greetings from Colombia, south america
For the record- doing WELL
Many could not afford their basic needs and so are turning to their family, friends, and community. When there are broken social services and programs, some will turn to desperate measures to survive.
The film compliance reminds me of what it's like being brought up by narcissistic parents. Not the stripping sexualised bit, but the fact we do as they say absolute because they're the authority figure, despite how uncomfortable and confused we are. The loss of self, autonomy and authenticity and the emotional confusion as to why they're doing hurtful things and nobody sees, steps in or listens. The passive aggression not only protects them, it's very controlling as a child or an adult child will comply because they want the parents love and not the cold shoulder ✌
When hiring an expert such as a construction contractor, tree trimming service, a dentist, medical doctor etc., what kind of verbal communication do you look for to decide whether to hire them? What other red flags might be there when you don't know someone well and will be entering into a business relationship? Sometimes major problems don't show up immediately, but after a short while I realize maybe this is the wrong business to work with. You don't have a written contract with every business.
The lady talking about handover, I am in similar circs. I feel you ❤ Much love x Idiots!
Dr Les, you're my sanity saver. Thank you so much 😊💕🕊️
Dr. Rush loved my pastel picture I gave him I made of a deer. You may know him at Baylor Hospital at the time. He wrote the book “The Broken Brain”. I have a signed copy of it here somewhere. So when I was well enough from my depression he treated me for, I worked at Dillards in Mesquite, Texas. An associate I worked with said that he had to take anger management classes. This was around the year 2000. I asked him what did he learn to control his anger. He said when you get mad, to immediately think of something else. Thanks Dr. C!
I was just divorced after 21 years. I have come to learn through some of your videos what was going on with her
They experience loneliness but they hate closure… SMH
Sad but true
How someone treats kids or animals tell it all. Such little minded people.
Agreed!
Dr C, Why is everything conditional with a narcissist?. When I say no to the narcissist, they state how nice they have been to others. It appears, they expect pay back, and I am made to feel uncomfortable. They seem totally unaware that making someone feel uncomfortable is not a particularly nice thing to do.. Am I just imagining this?
Thanks so much Dr Carter...always love listening to your calm, rational voice instilling confidence and hope. Greetings from Northern Ireland, UK
You are very welcome. Glad to be with you there in Ireland.
I am wrecking my brain to understand and internalise what Gaslighting means to me. I asked AI with different questions. At the end it said: 'Fascinating, isn't it' Yeah but....
You mentioned, my dear Dr Carter, not to say 'well done' but to specify . That triggered my memory 60 years ago, a young psychologist put me through the Rorschacher and IQ test.I enjoyed it. I still can see his face today. He meant well 120. Get on with it. I left the room in an avalanche of tears. Was i gaslight as a child? Am i gaslit now? Thank you for being there.
By the way i bought that book you recommended once : Liberated Parents, Liberated children by Adele Faber for my grandchildren in CT .
Once again omg!! Thank you your timing is uncanny.
You’re welcome!
Dr.C you are living time your life ❤.
Thanks, Fred!
Love these chit chats! Thanks
Glad you like them!
Thanks
Thanks Andrea. So pleased to be on the journey with you.
Im only half way through the video and i think its probably my favorite one, so many explanations to alot of the "what the hell is going on here" i been going through. I see things so much clearer now. Thank you dr C.
So pleased it resonated!
Can a Covert Narcissist conceal who they are for 10 or more years? I was engaged to one for 12 years and together for 20. We had separate residences, but we spent a lot of time together. I was 10 or 12 years in before I started to notice some unattractive traits. When he became ill (and eventually died), the sweet guy he was for 10 years turned into an awful person.
IMO since you maintained separate residences, it would be easy for a narcissist to hide their real self. My nex was adept at acting like a good guy around outsiders (people not living in our home).
Mine was 4,5 years Mr. Wonderful when we only spent the weekends together. As soon as he spent more time in my house bc my cildren had moved to another town to university he changed into a miserable demanding lazy man.
Good afternoon, Dr. Carter. I'm going to ask you a question. Even though it might seem like I'm being funny, I'm actually not, lol. I'm very serious. So, are these people evil, or are they just crazy?? I would really appreciate your response. Thanks in advance.
I wonder if an answer would be, Yes. Both. And.
Thank you team healthy and Dr. C, Regarding the chap that had an affair for fours years with many people apparently aware, I find it unbelievable his wife wasn't aware. Makes me wonder if it existed at all. An affair surely is known contact made, conversations at the very least his wife can't have missed all that happening.. Maybe others who are now berating him for it know the facts better than he does himself. And to anyone struggling I only wish you all peace.
❤Wishing you well. (P.S. I've started to apply the concept of "boundaries" to biblical interpretation. 🙂 I guess this means you've successfully made your point.) May God bless you and yours.
Dr. C What is the delineation between our silence and absence vs a narcissist passive aggressive contempt? Does it simply boil to intent?
What do you recommend for when you are in recovery and a healthy relationship to avoid your partner feeling abandoned?
My current relationship is healthy and evolving into a friendship rather than a romance after 9 years.
But 2 & 1/2years ago when I woke up and realized my family was abusive and I started to recover it got bad. I was raised by a psycopath in isolation and a doomsday cult. The memories that flooded back were monstrous. I already was disabled and my partner already had compassion fatigue.
so I isolated to protect him from my emotional outbursts. I had also been put on a medication for narcolepsy that disrupts his sleep because of the way I had to take it had me waking up at 4am but no alarm was working. So all I did was set more alarms now he was waking up 8 times between 4 am and 5, but I was not . So I started sleeping in a separate room.
Between the isolation and separate rooms he felt like I was giving up on the relationship. So he stopped trying and the relationship fell apart.
The romance we had is not recoverable but we were fortunate to maintain the love and friendship.
So I was just trying to protect my relationship from the outbursts of emotions that come from healing and letting him sleep . But he felt abandoned.
Is there a way that others can avoid the problem i caused so they don't harm a healthy relationship while recovering from the unhealthy ones?
I don't know, my dear, but stay ok, this community can help, I'm looking into normal, I'm out of here, it's like I'm one person, don't hurt on my account, I don't know my dear just be ok, Linda here in Texas, it's hard to look at bizarre actions, I was there, our Doctor can put the normal to a red blood, go team healthy,
Red bloods, be cool Linda, they is flesh and bone, that's is that line in that movie, bone to my bone,
This is over my head and definitely a problem Dr. C would need to tackle.
My narcissist wife is constantly trying to find ways to get under my skin and after sixteen years she's very skilled at it. The last two years I have begun my journey of reclamation of myself. Lately I'm experiencing a sharp increase of sexual stalking, to the point of dreading taking showers or changing clothes because of the outrageously stalking. I have tried letting her know it bothers me and her reply is she is only doing what a wife should do. How can I handle this with out reactive abuse.
I live in Dixie County,Florida
Hi Dr. C. Is it possible for an individual to suddenly develop extreme narcissistic traits? A family member had a distinguished career, first in the military and then in civilian life. Following what appeared to be a mental breakdown a few years ago (PTSD?) this individual underwent a complete personality change and now "ticks all the boxes" with respect to narcissism. To the point of a relationship breakdown and estrangement from some family members. It is completely mystifying and desperately troubling as we have all been blind-sided by this.
Slow down!
Hi Dr. C., would you suggest we handle senior narcissists the same way you suggest in all your videos or do we have to be their narcissistic supply because they are vulnerable seniors? 🤔.
In this case it the narcissist also had a stroke which also causes cognitive problems, so I’m at a bit of a loss as what the best approach would be.
Thank you for any insight you can provide and thank you for your videos, they are verrry helpful.
John Gottman, seven principles of making marriage and work why marriages succeed in fail, love his books
My NParents *loathe* Gottman - hearing about his theory and the fact that they're not the experts on absolutely everything and they're not absolutely perfect in their emotional expressions (how DARE) made each of them separately quit family therapy in a rage
Just curious if the “former friend” on the last question is a man or woman. It would surprise me if a man would get rid of a friend because he had an affair.
For the record- doing was
Why can't narcissist deal with feelings of love r receiving love y do they shy away
It's requires authenticity, trust and vulnerability. All things they cannot do ✌
1. Specialize... This is something I need to do on a daily basis or I will fall back into enabling bad behavior..
2. Rage.. I would say that they all are always in rage.. Sometimes it comes out and sometimes it stays in..
3. Social Anxiety.. I can feel theirs... I have to make sure that I know that it is theirs and not mine..
4. Imprisoned.. You could say that they are in hell but it is my choice whether or not I join them..
5. Shame.. Shame is less than or better than or not worthy..
6. Loneliness.. I am not sure if they are but I am when I am around them..
😬❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤❤❤❤☮️
the reason the contempt never goes away is it stems from demonic possession
Dr. Carter, the woman who is my boss at a dog day care facility has some controlling tendencies. Her emails are signed with her name and the phrase "Head Pooch" underneath. Why do I find that term (head pooch) to be kind of odd when dealing with the internal system of an employee structure? She IS the owner of the business so she is our head pooch. But why would someone compare themselves to a non-human in a professional environment? I love dogs so I wouldn't mind being called a golden retriever but I wouldn't sign my name that way. Why doesn't she remind us of her authority in a more standard way like....Owner of Operations.
I can't help but think of the South Dakota Governor, Kristi Noem, who shot her puppy rather than turning it over to a rescue, taking it to a shelter or hiring a dog trainer. She's then so proud of her behavior, she brags about this horrible act in a book. Narcissistic behavior? What do you think, Dr. C?
Definitely the malignant end but if not fully it certainly borders on sociopathic. Her story indicated she was angry, had no empathy or care for the animals or her children and her narcissistic injury was set off at the phesant hunt and then at the neighbours house with the chickens. The a tory was an indication of her failure to train the dog and to keep the dog in her car or van and also that she had not had the goat neutered. The fact she killed the goat on a whim, imo is sociopathic. A very upsetting story of a very sick woman. Ive read she also isn't allowed on native reservations either because of her behaviour ✌
Greetings 🫂: ( USA 🇺🇸)