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Lewis, please change the cover photo for this clip - she’s beautiful and has such an amazing message and that cover photo definitely does her and her message a disservice!
This woman is so smart, grounded and eloquent. She is not advertizing toxic positivism and easy solutions. Life is hard, relationships are hard, let's face it and do what we can to make it all as good as it could be ❤
Not taking responsibility for their actions!! If someone can't take responsibility for the things they do and say, you'll never be able to have healthy communication and grow with that person.
My Auntie’s Ambivalence, Born 1917, taught me: Don’t marry someone for the Things that you LOVE about them - That’s Easy! Marry someone for the Deficits that you can Accept & Still Thrive Amidst! 🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
Also for the good things they do. Surviving in deficit could quickly become toxic without realizing. Ensuring there is good treatment becomes very important and always present in healthy relationships
💕My Auntie Jackie was 5 yrs. older than my Uncle Mikey! In older age, aches & pains, they decided to have their own Bedrooms; Uncle Mikey would travel across the House every, single night, to give his Beloved a Kiss Good Night. They owned a Rental Property, & every decade, or so… My Uncle would do an overhaul: repairing, laying flooring, painting & such. After 6 weeks of hard work at the Property, my Uncle told my Auntie (that was also wielding a paint brush), I need to go Home, Jack; I’m sick! That night, with aches & Pains, my Uncle made it across the House to Kiss my Auntie Jackie Goodnight, stopped at her doorway, & said, “Come give me a Kiss, Jack!” A little bent out of shape for breaking protocol, Jackie replied, “You come here!” She was aching & after all, her knees, recovering fm Surgery replacement Knee Caps, made it quite difficult for Auntie to get up, & down. Uncle ended up, turning & skipped HIS Kiss! The following morning, Uncle arose for another Day at the Rental… An Inspector was Scheduled in a few hours. He dressed, fixed Coffee, got in his favorite chair, legs up, w/ Fresh Coffee, & Lit a Cigarette! Auntie Jackie came to his Garage Bedroom, connected to the other side of the house, to say good morning, & give him a Kiss, as per, her Tradition. She noticed the cigarette had burned down just a little bit, in the Ashtray & Uncle ignored her greeting. Surprised, she bent to Kiss her Sweetheart, delighted, their extended Rental Project Completed, realizing, ‘Her Sweetheart was Gone!’ Auntie Sobbed as she shared this event with me… Years Later! In continuous Grief, She had missed HER VERY LAST KISS! They had both put up with each other’s Deficits through the years. Neither One was perfect. Yet, with give & take, one strong for a few years, while the other took their turn with functioning alcoholism, their Dance was always awaiting their favorite song, as their LOVE, always covered over a Multitude of sin (fm. Scripture). Yes, Their LOVE was Strong… But, they each accepted the other’s Unique Deficits… Those Acceptable Imperfections! I asked my Auntie a few Questions: “Do you think Uncle is in Heaven thinking… Because you were in pain… He has Forgotten All of the Kisses through the Years? Focused on your one mistake?” Or, is HE REGRETTING, not Delivering HIS KISS, though IN PAIN, also?” Adding, “Did you make it 55 years, because of your Screw-UPS, or, Because of Your LOVE?” Missing my Sweet Uncle Mikey, “OUR TEARS,” Flowed Together! I continued Soothing my Precious Auntie Jackie, explaining that Spirit, to Spirit… They had Graduated, & they no longer needed to touch Lips, as their 55 years of some 20,000 + Kisses (Goodnight Only), were their Reality that outweighed All of their Deficits. THEIR LOVE, was the kind, that would continue throughout Eternity! Many Blessings & Much Love! 🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
"I could tolerate the lack of security better than I can tolerate the lack of freedom. I understood early on that I wil be self-employed. I can tolerate not knowing when the next check is going to come from but I prefer that than someone is telling me when I take a vacation." speaks for me ❤
When she talks about relational ambivalence she's talking about rupture and repair. Many therapists will say that "we never fight" is actually a death sentence. Real couples fight. It's part of being authentic. They just fight better - we talk about our deep fears and learn how to be careful. "Misattunement" is inevitable in relationships, and part of being human. True love and empathy have a lot more to do with understanding and forgiveness, rather than aiming to be perfect. Pia Mellody says "fall in love with someone you respect enough to criticize." Someone who can hold your anger and your sadness - both are valid and necessary emotions. True love is flawed. It's broken and put back together, and stronger each time. But it rests on a foundation of secure attachment - love may be "conditional" in the sense that we accept each other as we are in the present moment, but more broadly, love is unconditional in that we accept each other as always changing - the key part is always re-attunment - can we "find" each other again (emotionally) when we inevitably disconnect. The sad part is, many couples have never "found" each other emotionally in the first place. You can't go back to a secure attachment that never existed in the first place. Secure attachment must be built and maintained, otherwise it's insecure and destined for failure.
So interesting to think about Esther's 4 parts of jealousy and how they are rooted in childhood attachment (to parents). 1- a true sense of autonomy 2- we experience novelty together of self and other 3- we appreciate the other as existing separate from our self 4- separation and reunion. She's describing the secure base and safe haven of attachment theory. As children, we must "choose" our parents for the sake of our survival. As adults, we "choose" our partner, but we can survive alone - which means we need to keep choosing our partner over and over. That's why the ways we learn to cope with our parent's emotional deficits (our core wounds) are inevitably brought into our adult relationships. Once, they were relational survival strategies, now they're just our "personality" - which means we need to be aware, and our partner - so we can work towards a union that involves equal parts autonomy and connection. Or as esther says, novelty and safety. Eroticism and love.
@PGH Engineer are you happily married? How many years? How much time do you and your partner spend together and apart, and how do you each feel about it? Do you talk about these things? As a man, do you ever feel like your partner is "nagging" you? How do you resolve that? Does it get resolved? It's cool to take a simple approach to things...but if you spend less than 50% of your time in a state of "bliss" with your partner - or if you don't feel like your relationship "adds" a lot to your life - this stuff is worth thinking about. It is based on science. No different from measuring how hard to swing a bat to hit it out of the park.
@PGH Engineer Dude...i agree, she is dressing up the info and getting rich - BUT there is decades of research on attachment theory, which is what the majority of esther says is rooted in. Also, attachment theory underpins most of modern psychology now, and the leading minds in psych and mental health - Dan siegel (interpersonal neurobiology) and sue johnson (emotionally focused therapy) are leaders in this. If you are trying to say that there is no logic to love or relationships, you're wrong. It's a very defeatist attitude...which tells me you may want to look into personality development - another broad area of psychology with thousands of studies. The reason nobody knows this stuff now is because we couldn't scan and measure the human brain until recently in history, so this new knowledge of how our brains work in relationship is not widely understood...yet. It also goes to the deepest parts of our being...we are social, bonding animals. That's what we are. The core question is, what triggers your amygdala (fear) in relationship and how has your personality adapted "around" that fear - and therefore what do you "naturally" think and behave like - and then - how can a therapist help guide you, in relationship, to "corrective emotional experience", which essentially means true, felt, vulnerability, in the presence of a loved one. Because if we can learn and experience how to "feel safe" in relationship with someone, then we can re-create that in times of stress (trust). Which is why most "advice" doesn't work - our brains get triggered and we forget the advice. This is where self awareness and other awareness converge. How do we "heal together"?
Im am going to have to start disagreeing with that notion. My boyfriend is out going, funny, joker , mr smile, shake your hand, smile real big to the waiter/ waitress. All his friends think hes mr cool. But the side Ive seen that no one else has seen. Has not been positive . Or true to the person. I have been told by his highschool Friends, I guess what Im trying to say is that you can absolutely not just go by how they are in public. You only see someone for who they really are when they are at the door of a storm, when you to see how they handle stress, handle arguments or debates. Or how they react to something you say or do something they dont like. Thats just what my life experiences Have been proven.
A committed relationship is not just about a love story but a "life story" Love that! Thank you Esther for your insight and Lewis for doing the interview. To the person reading this, you deserve to have a partner who you love and can have a beautiful life with. I wish you a life of growth and manifestation where you become the person you want to attract. You deserve the beautiful life you have been dreaming of. Okay time for me to go back to watching this interview. It's good!
Is she an angel disguised in a human form? Its just factual and unbelievable that priceless things are always available without a price. These gemstones of priceless wisdom in here are what every human should strive to pursue. Honestly speechless.
You learn the people in actions, how they relate to each other in social context, how they treat the person on the street, waiter, everybody while they are trying to be super nice to you. That’s more precise piece of information than how long we date
This reference to the social is so key. I have just learned this at 42. Bring it to the social situation to really know someone, not just between two, cause it’s a very different thing.
Relationships are about trust, so if you find yourself having to play detective all of the time, then it is time to move on. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
This is absolutely true! This is why I don’t associate with those who lie and manipulate. I realize we all have our flaws and everyone lies, but if someone is lying to enjoy their hidden lifestyle or hide their inhibitions, then they don’t have the self respect let alone respect for their SO, to be honest enough to create trust. Trust is the foundation to all meaningful connections.
Two things to this.... Trust... but verify! And Watch for their actions over their words. Concerning actions require concern. Non concerning actions require trust and patience.
Totally. Our culture is not such that I even care to waste my time. The day a man asks for my number with *actual intent* on going out and doing something fun that I enjoy and getting to know each other, instead of "saying" they want to take me out just to get my number to try to text interview me and try to set up an "insertion" opportunity will be a new day. The females I talk with that do "date" if you can call it that anymore, basically say they hook up and get physical and then fight about him trying to control her. They are supposed to do whatever dude says--when dude barely knows her, let alone has any actual responsibility over the consequences of his actions towards her, nor typically even cares about what us good for her. Yes. Single by choice for a woman and caring for ourselves is a great freedom that is available for women in America like in no other place, that I wish more women would embrace instead of running from male to male to male to male getting immersed in relationships where they are not valued, told what to do like a dog, used and tossed and left thinking something is wrong with them for being tossed. Something is wrong with them alright--allowing themselves to be put in that situation to start with and not taking advantage of the opportunity to be educated and work and care for ourselves that we have in America is the freedom they are missing.
@@klopossa2 It is totally possible to be single and still be surrounded by others. Are you suggesting that people have to have a partner to learn who we are? I don't think she says that.
Happiness mandate: continue pursuing happiness is miserable most of the time; pusue integrity, depth, joy, aliveness, growth, liveness, caring Someone, having their back, feeling they have your back, want the best for them, compersion( feeling joy for the happiness of others), those things ultimately make you feel happiness.
Listening to her is very enlightening. It also stirs in me the unrest I have in my current relationship. It makes me want to get back to the time when my partner was really into me.
What do you think your partner would say/do if you told them that? Maybe you both feel the same way but neither wants to admit it and risk being rejected
Esther Perell is the BEST Dating Coach in the World. Her advice is amazing!! Lewis your great with letting your Guests talk and asking GREAT questions.
I had a partner, who I loved and tolerated his phone bleeping all the time, it was his ex wife, who also used to turn up at the house and on the first occasion walked in the house. I definitely can't except that level of contact with an ex, my expectations surely aren't to high
I listen to Dr. John Delony on TH-cam- he many times quotes Esther Perel. Now she comes up on my TH-cam feed - I’m so grateful for that. Esther hits the nail on the head for me on many relationship issues. I truly happy and relieved to feel heard and understood.
I want Esther to analyze those of us who find her talks on you tube and listen obsessively to every thing she has to say and read all her books, buy her bundles and generally can’t get enough. I kind of think that when you’re in a tough spot in a relationship these things that resonate so much feel like hope. You see it all and see that there is a way out. And the hope acts like a balm. I also think if I listen hard enough and long enough this wisdom will become mine and I’ll have the ability to apply it in those moments when it’s so hard.
Personally, I tried Jealousy on once and didn't like how it felt... so I took advice from someone else and focused only on the quality of my own time spent with that person. Instead, my intention is to always be Me... and manifest my own relationship with that individual. If I start to not like how I feel, I give myself space from them to recalibrate.
Yes jealousy is an ugly thing, believe me I know, it can really destroy something great that you may have, I had the jealousy going on and it crushed my relationship sadly
@@shurieai8698 there is a place for understanding and respecting eachothers boundaries based on how our body and energy react. Having lived a mostly reclusive life, I feel jealousy as an emotion that includes a lack of understanding of the situation. If I find someone prefers that emotion, I can accommodate... but it's for their needs and not my own. I prefer trust and open communication. Men & women are friends. It's not a matter of CAN they be, it's generally how we are built... yes? We have to have faith in ourselves, and our other, and keep positive energy flowing between us. You know what happens then? We essentially find ourselves handing the person their life back and find we really do trust them and it was our own emotions we needed to learn to control instead. That... is an accomplishment. Comparatively, jealousy is nothing but there to help strengthen our own self and relationships... and we just needed another point of view of the situation. We all come in this world alone... we live it alone/our own dreams.. and we leave alone. It is not our job to control another. Let them do what they need to do, for their own reasons. Those who care, don't matter. Those who matter, don't care... because they have a higher level of understanding than what others are aware of. This is why we do not judge others.
Stop looking at people as products. Love comes when the evaluation stops. 22:26 who are you. what can i bring, what responsibility you take, how generous you are, how you show up,
I absolutely love the concept of love story and life story. It really lifted a burden off me because I always expected life stories to be like a longer version of a love story which just can't be because of what Esther explained (are you gonna bring this person to your parents? Do you want children? etc) So obviously love stories are gonna feel more intense and romantic because they don't have to ever think of all the implications the life story involves. The love story feels like a romantic movie because we don't have to worry about anything but just live the love in the moment. Makes a lot of sense to me now. I think some people make the mistake to ditch a life story for a love story exactly for these reasons.
I am so glad these conversations are open for anyone in need. Some families have their stuff together and many don't. I have seen mothers tell their son's how women are and many have never had that talk. I was lucky to have both parents and still married after 50 years. The odd thing was there are no talks like this. This is whats missing from my family and it shows. My brother, sister, and myself need clarity for this chaos.
Very true with the second marriage divorce. And I understand about the third marriage being more successful, I was the common denominator in all my failures.I am taking the time to devote to my own development. This is the make it or break it time. No longer looking for anyone but myself, I have actually found the courage to be more caring without attaching. More about defining what I can do, not what I must do.
Lewis, every question you asked Esther was exactly what I wanted to ask her if I had the opportunity to sit with her. It's like thinking alike. You are so amazing at extracting the wisdom and info from your guests that your audience would appreciate. I appreciate Esther's wisdom, too. Keep doing what you do. More power to you both!
A remarkably profound woman. Thanks Lewis for having her and asking really important questions. She is one of my many great teachers and I am grateful to be able to experience her wisdom time and again. I love her to bits! ❤️❤️
Lewis, thank you for bringing Esther back on “School of Greatness”, she’s one of my favorites. 🙏 I just love Esther’s way teaching the ABC’s of a healthy conscious love relationship, especially the difference between love and desire, they have different frequencies. ❤️💜 I agree with her that unconditional love is just a myth in an adult romantic relationship. This kind of love is possible just between a parent and her child to raise, protect and teach the child in a safe environment. Between 2 responsible adults we should have a reciprocal, give and receive, conscious love relationship. There’s too much abuse in the name of love in lots of current relationships due to old conditioning beliefs “we’re together forever till death will draw us apart”. I mean who came up with this drama trauma kind of unhealthy relationship that opens the possibility for lots of suffering and misery? Have you heard about that saying “ Happy wife, happy life” that’s stemming from pretzeling people pleaser behavior and eradicates any kind of autonomy and growth, hence “I lost myself in that relationship ”. Or the old belief “we’re not happy but we’re staying together because what people would say” or “we’ve already invested so much in this marriage and going on separate ways is too scary because it’s the unknown”. Human mind has been programmed to assume the worst case scenario to keep us in survival so mitigating the reality for a different possibility has not been taught in school. 😁 And that’s how our kids model our relationships and perpetuate generational emotional trauma. We’ve got to unlearn, discard and delete old conditioning view regarding drama trauma bond kind of relationships and be willing to learn, grow and evolve within a healthy conscious partnership through openness, honesty, transparency, curiosity, vulnerability, playfulness, compassion, kindness, peace and joy while maintaining autonomy and freedom in an interdependent relationship. You know how good mental and emotional health feels like? Joy, inner peace and satisfaction. The ultimate question to ask ourselves is: “What’s actually truly important to me ?” and listen. What we’re doing afterwards is solely our choice. 💜🙏
@@lewishowes Thank you for ur reply. I’ve been subscribed to ur podcast long time ago. I’ve actually listened the episode with Esther on ur podcast first, it’s actually my favorite podcast, love the topics about health, wellness, neuroscience, relationships, human mind and behavior, finances. Would be Ok if I would copy and paste my utube comment to ur podcast? Would be helpful to you?😁
@ corina . Hi. I don’t think unconditional love is a myth. It depends on how you were brought up. Unconditional love is not only for mother and child relationship . It is also for married couple. If you grew up in a happy secured family environment where family is the utmost important in that culture then you want exactly the same growing up. And I was married until he passed away 9 years ago. I love him unconditionally. I don’t need to explain it further what that meant . But I know what is unconditional love is . So you can not generally conclude or come up to a conclusion that it is a myth.
@@marilynsik8959 Your love became unconditional because of his demise. Otherwise it would only have been or be a mutually felt strong emotion. Humans are just incapable of offering stable unconditional love. Emotions and feelings are always fluid and not solid.
It requires incredible maturity to reach the state where on can form a meaningful relationship, according to what Esther describes here…but despite the difficulty I cannot complain because everything she says is so true
I love Esther Perel. I was married for 21yrs to a very good man who was a kindred spirit... that was 10yrs older. He got sick and died. I was wife number four and this was my first and last marriage. I am 59 yrs/o I had a life and love story with him. The love story died when he changed...Now after clarity of nine months since he died, I only want a love story with a man that wants an LAT type of relationship and can tolerate I need to continue learning and love my freedom. Unfortunately this is something hard to find.
It's really easy! Just find an older man who can't drive. If you can drive, you are the most beautiful girl he's ever met! Contact me later, tell me about your great new man.
Is love story and life story with the same person possible? I truly desire that. I want to be with a man my 5 senses are inlove with. I am not settling for less
I have not been able to admire my wife for the last four years. I have only been able to care for her. I think back to when we were in Rome and I saw every man looking at her beauty. Same thing in Paris, Barcelona or whereever we went. I look at her and miss her so much. She became depressed and is now a totally different person. Me beeing in damage/caring mode has ruined our marriage.
Desire(own the wanting): mystery, risk taking; discover, explore, curious, play, fun, emotional risk, bring sth differently from I always do to you now;charisma( in his presence He made me feel special); appreciation gratitude ( thank you); go out of way, go extra thing; do sth to them because it matters to them; give each other a lot of individual space (not everything needs be shared; admiration; don’t make your partner one person for everything;
The reason therapy is needed when in the beginning of the relationship is because we aren't taught how to be fully functioning, properly adjusted people anymore. This is different from the past where things were different. I only realized that while watching this video. It was something that bothered me. I didn't understand why we now need therapy or counseling to be in a relationship. It's because things have gotten so muddled by social media and advertising. We no longer know how to function by ourselves or in relationships.
My personal Opinion: Only one complaint! I love this show but the click-bait titles are really hard to get past... I find myself avoiding many of your videos because the titles are such turn-offs and I think these titles really cheapen the impression of an otherwise fruitful and meaningful interview. I am always pleasantly surprised with how much valuable knowledge is shared. Truly life changing stuff happening here. Sad that it's masked with bad taste marketing. It's quite a contrast to your authenticity and I fear it may repel authentic people away from your beautiful content! Thanks for reading!
I couldn't agree more. Very cheap click-bait-y titles for, in this case, a highly intelligent and enlightening conversation. I almost didn't click on this save for being convinced to do so by a trusted friend.
Ester Perel is such a fabulous relationship expert and I respect her wisdom, experience, and advice. I loved this video. Thank you so much for sharing her with us.
Guess what? Yesterday I was wishing I guess I could watch a free podcast of her. Lots of love to you Lewis. You make more difference in people's lives than you think you do. Love, Surabhi.
Nice conversation , down to earth, so many of us, me included , idealise the relationship when in fact we should reevaluate our expectations and stop looking for all the needs being fullfield by our loved one, he or she can't make it neither do we...
Thans so much. Today I had this feeling of disappointment with my partner and he bought me a chocolate. And then I heard this video I called him and he was happy because I called him and now we're okay. Thanks!!!!
My wife didn't understand that last point. I can only be your everything for everything for so long. It's ok to confide in your family and friends. We have enough on is as is. That was one of her reasons for leaving me. But it wasnt me, she was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Mommy/daddy issues. I learned later on. Praying she gets help. I tried to be so much to her but it never was enough. All while working, going to school and raising children. It was a tough ride and she wanted to get out...tough walk!
What a beautiful testimony! I am sorry for the end of your marriage. I am sure you did what you could. I am afraid I suffer from borderline too, but I am trying to find the cure for that. I feel I have been demanding and asking too much from my husband and it’s never enough. Peace and light to you!
This woman is remarkable. The third relationship, in my opinion, will be much better because, as an individual, you grow in wisdom by then, and you are more mature, having tolerance to react appropriately to discern and take the right action. The only sad thing is that a lot of people react differently to breaking up, and this can have a negative impact on their chance of finding the right person. It's a very weighty subject that can go on for hours due to various opinions, beliefs etc. Life is a learning process, and I pray that all who are genuinely good and mean well find their life partner, including myself.
WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IN GOD OR NOT YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE HIM ON JUDGEMENT DAY AND HE WILL GO THROUGH EVERY WORD YOU SAID/EVERY THOUGHT YOU HAD/EVERY SIN YOU DID. YOU WONT BE ABLE TO ARGUE WITH HIM EITHER, YOU WILL KNOW YOU ARE GUILTY AND MADE A BIG MISTAKE. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS TO TURN TO JESUS BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. YOURE EITHER FOR GOD OR AGAINST GOD AND THERE IS BUT 1 GOD (its not satan/buddha/allah). PLEASE READ THIS MESSAGE BELOW AND IF YOU WANT TO MOCK AFTER GO FOR IT BUT I PLEAD WITH YOU TO READ IT. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU GOD'S STANDARD FOR HEAVEN IS PERFECTION AND ONLY JESUS (THE SON OF GOD/GOD IN THE FLESH) LIVED THAT PERFECT LIFE! HE LAID DOWN HIS LIFE & TOOK THE WRATH OF THE FATHER ON THE CROSS FOR YOUR SINS! GOD IS JUST SO HE MUST PUNISH SIN & HE IS HOLY SO NO SIN CAN ENTER HIS KINGDOM OF HEAVEN. IF YOU ARE IN CHRIST ON JUDGEMENT DAY GOD WILL SEE YOU AS HIS PERFECT SON (SINLESS SINCE YOUR SINS ARE COVERED BY JESUS' OFFERING). YOU CAN ALSO CHOOSE TO REJECT JESUS' GIFT/SACRIFICE & PAY FOR YOUR OWN SIN WITH DEATH (HELL) BUT THAT SEEMS PRETTY FOOLISH! GOD SEES & HEARS EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID & DONE. YOU WONT WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH HIM & YOU CANT DEFEND ANY OF YOUR SINS TO HIM. YOU'RE NOT A GOOD PERSON, I'M NOT A GOOD PERSON... ONLY GOD IS GOOD! WE'RE ALL GUILTY WITHOUT ACCEPTING JESUS' SACRIFICE FOR OUR SINS! MUHAMMAD DIDN'T DIE FOR YOUR SINS, BUDDHA DIDN'T DIE FOR YOUR SINS, NO PASTOR/NO PRIEST/NO SAINT/NO ANCESTOR DIED FOR YOUR SINS, MARY DIDN'T, THE POPE DIDN'T EITHER, NO IDOLS OR FALSE gods DIED FOR YOUR SINS, NO MUSICIAN OR CELEBRITY DIED FOR YOUR SINS, NO INFLUENCER OR TH-cam STAR DIED FOR YOUR SINS, NO SCIENTIST OR POLITICIAN DIED FOR YOUR SINS, NO ATHLETE OR ACTOR DIED FOR YOUR SINS! STOP IDOLIZING & WORSHIPING THESE PEOPLE! JESUS CHRIST ALONE DIED FOR YOUR SINS & WAS RESURRECTED FROM THE GRAVE! HE IS ALIVE & COMING BACK VERY VERY SOON WITH JUDGEMENT (THESE ARE END TIMES)! PREPARE YOURSELVES, TURN FROM SIN & RUN TO JESUS! HE KNOWS YOUR PAIN & TROUBLES, HE WANTS TO HEAL & RESTORE YOU! TALK TO HIM LIKE A BEST FRIEND! ASK HIM TO REVEAL HIMSELF TO YOU & HELP YOU TO BELIEVE IF YOU DOUBT! DON'T WAIT TO CRY OUT! NO ONE IS PROMISED TOMORROW! HE LONGS FOR YOU TO INVITE HIM IN, HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN ANY PERSON EVER COULD, HE CREATED YOU! Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."-John 14:6 "But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven."-Matthew 10:33 “For the wages of sin is death (hell), but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord”-Romans 6:23
@@janetroberts5140You're most welcome, dear. I'm sure when you get blessed with someone, you'll be a great partner because it's incredible people like you that have healed from situations that will have a tonne of love and care to give 💝
Thank you Esther, you reaffirmed my reasons for divorcing my 1st husband. I made better decisions when selecting my 2nd husband. As close to a 'soul mate' as possible. Maturity makes marriages work. I've been a widow over 10 years, yet I'm not in a rush to find someone new. Men remarry after becoming widowers much sooner than women. I feel an emotional difference between my divorce and the death of my husband. To have an ex who you could still contact and berate is not possible if that person has passed away. There is no reconciliation possible and melancholy can really set in.
All of this takes knowing yourself and your boundaries very well. It takes being in various relationships throughout life to actually understand what your values and boundaries are. Also, people change, and values and needs change with time. What was important once for someone, may become less importante or even more so later in life.
Unconditionally Loving mySelf ~ in the presence of the “other” …THIS offers the experience of expansion of my capacity for Loving mySelf and the “other” freely ~ or 🌈”Unconditional Love” or The capacity to flow Love, regardless of how others behave, think or speak about me, themselves & Life. ✨🌈Thank you BOTH for this wonderful conversation ~ ✨🙏💕✨ !!! Freedom is at hand !!!
1st time I've met this lady, what a wonderful talk this is! Thank you. She's incredible. This was extremely enlightening and a totally different (& necessary) slant on things.
Understand things really important to you. Don't get involved with someone in the hope sth will change. Love someone wholly without having to love all of them. Unconditional love is a myth. Relational ambivalence： conflicts, alive and boring.; hate and love etc.
Almost 8 years now happy and madly in love with my best friend, my lover, my partner. My soulmate. Marry someone that is compatible with you. Share same views, character and ethics. Opposites do not actually attract they lead to resentment and indifference
Esthers second appearance is what introduced me to the channel! So pumped to see her back thanks for another amazing episode. I’d love seeing one of y’all have a productive sit down with Rollo Tomassi would would be legendary , the middle ground found in that talk would be fascinating.
" Society and religious thinking outside The 📦; acceptance and respect no matter your status ; cultures; and letting go of beliefs and opinions That no longer serves us; forgive but Learned the lessons; independent. Freedom and choice let us grow
I love this . Thank you for bringing her again. In min 57:30 when she explained the importance of introducing the date to a social gathering and friends in early of the starting to know the person. That is what we do in my Colombian culture. I loved to hear her analysis of it. It is so important
Perhaps... but its not a fail safe.. especially if your partner is not a versy social person or comes accross as shy untill they really reveal them selves.. Botice i write "vome accross as shy" when really they are covertly Narcissistic ... Yes i yroduce...but dont use it as a "yard stick" id say.
Values, are very personal. This needs to be done by your own judgements. 💚 I raised my daughter to count on herself first, but she knew I was there to caught her if she fell.
Value: longing, aspirations, beliefs, interests; how you repair the disappointment ; bids for reconnection, I still care, respect you; minutes; take responsibility is the ultimate freedom; I messed up, shouldn’t have done this;
Thanks Lewis for hosting Esther with her deep Experience. She just Pointed my weakest point. Cause the main thing I didn't had and don't have the courage to be in real relationship because I'm feel not enough for the woman I would to be with her!
Wonderful talk with an intelligent, insightful, articulate woman . So many take aways, but loved "In the space between you and the other is where erotic love exists." Beautifully said. 💕
better to only seek safety within. Ii dont think we should seek our complete 'safety' w/in relationship. I have learned enough to appreciate the importance of appreciation and the need to follow our inner, core values. If we would release attachment to outcomes....how we think thinngs should unfold..doesnt mean giving up on your dreams or vision
This conversation has the same spirit as The Millionaire Next Door by Napolean Hill. Like the characters in that book, the interviewer here asks very good questions but constantly misinterprets her answers. Often he misinterprets her to mean that she endorses one extreme point of view or another. Fortunately, and also like the book, she is quick to correct him, to clarify her meaning, and to temper his assumptions.
The part about a soul mate used to be source/ the divine - now we are looking for it in one person. Wow, that was exactly what hit me this morning! Powerful content. All the points. This video landed in perfect divine right timing for me. Thank you very much!
Me too! I agree with her on this. When I massage, the treatment reflects The Day, the moon, my conscious commitment to The Now, to potential, and that is undulating, not constant, but it's fulfilling.
Loved the recording with Ester, just one tip for Lewis Howes, dont take notes during the interview, this implies the session was all about you and what you wanted to know -perhaps watch the recording again and take notes after the interview. This means you can pay more attention to whats beings said x Natasha
Or is he taking notes to refer to point previously made in the conversation. People, even me, tend to wander away from a point and forget what they originally wanted to say.
@@garyfrancis6193 I also took it as him noting questions or points to raise so he was fully engaged in the conversation. Maybe he could just edit it to not show him taking notes.
Leave the man alone! His an artist and there are no rules on how to paint his creation/ canvass !!! Create & you can dictate what you would like! His not advertising or recruiting for a coach, please M'am.
There's a lot of couples out there that have entitlement issues towards each other, that should not be the case, we're all individuals and the only thing that's going to make us happy about something is our decisions and whether we're honest with ourselves have you made a good decision, have you actually thought about what's going on, do you look at both sides of the situation🤔
Excellent content! Lewis you are the best interviewer 🎉 I had set in my mind that I was gonna stay single for the rest of my life, I am 45 independent women. I understand now that interdependence is the goal. I see Lewis and Martita so happy and started to rethink my situation. I am happy being single,but who knows? Thanks for this interview!
When I meet adults who are single and talk about wanting to find their "soul mate", I cringe inside. Absolutely cringe. I've been single by choice for about 30 years and I am now ready to meet my "earth mate". I know how to fulfill everything I could possibly need on my own, but now the idea of sharing my life with a significant partner in marriage is appealing, but not necessary. I have maturity and experience on my side and most of all wisdom. The man in my life should be blissfully happy with how I turned out.
Good morning!! My question is what If you are a person who is not interested in having so many people in their life to have a "village" but still would like to have a special person to fit in their life I truly dont want to finish out my life alone or with the wrong person (55)
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Where can I find the full conversation of the first clip with Esther (she's dressed in white)??
P
Lewis, please change the cover photo for this clip - she’s beautiful and has such an amazing message and that cover photo definitely does her and her message a disservice!
Uouounuuo
Spot them jump in you will get left out you are so powerful thank you ♥️😃👍🎤🔥🎶
This woman is so smart, grounded and eloquent. She is not advertizing toxic positivism and easy solutions. Life is hard, relationships are hard, let's face it and do what we can to make it all as good as it could be ❤
She speaks truth
Not taking responsibility for their actions!! If someone can't take responsibility for the things they do and say, you'll never be able to have healthy communication and grow with that person.
So true!
My ex to a T
True!
Agreed!
I agree 100%
My Auntie’s Ambivalence, Born 1917, taught me: Don’t marry someone for the Things that you LOVE about them - That’s Easy! Marry someone for the Deficits that you can Accept & Still Thrive Amidst!
🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
Oh oh.
Also for the good things they do. Surviving in deficit could quickly become toxic without realizing. Ensuring there is good treatment becomes very important and always present in healthy relationships
💕My Auntie Jackie was 5 yrs. older than my Uncle Mikey! In older age, aches & pains, they decided to have their own Bedrooms; Uncle Mikey would travel across the House every, single night, to give his Beloved a Kiss Good Night.
They owned a Rental Property, & every decade, or so… My Uncle would do an overhaul: repairing, laying flooring, painting & such. After 6 weeks of hard work at the Property, my Uncle told my Auntie (that was also wielding a paint brush), I need to go Home, Jack; I’m sick! That night, with aches & Pains, my Uncle made it across the House to Kiss my Auntie Jackie Goodnight, stopped at her doorway, & said, “Come give me a Kiss, Jack!” A little bent out of shape for breaking protocol, Jackie replied, “You come here!” She was aching & after all, her knees, recovering fm Surgery replacement Knee Caps, made it quite difficult for Auntie to get up, & down. Uncle ended up, turning & skipped HIS Kiss!
The following morning, Uncle arose for another Day at the Rental… An Inspector was Scheduled in a few hours. He dressed, fixed Coffee, got in his favorite chair, legs up, w/ Fresh Coffee, & Lit a Cigarette!
Auntie Jackie came to his Garage Bedroom, connected to the other side of the house, to say good morning, & give him a Kiss, as per, her Tradition. She noticed the cigarette had burned down just a little bit, in the Ashtray & Uncle ignored her greeting. Surprised, she bent to Kiss her Sweetheart, delighted, their extended Rental Project Completed, realizing, ‘Her Sweetheart was Gone!’
Auntie Sobbed as she shared this event with me… Years Later! In continuous Grief, She had missed HER VERY LAST KISS!
They had both put up with each other’s Deficits through the years. Neither One was perfect. Yet, with give & take, one strong for a few years, while the other took their turn with functioning alcoholism, their Dance was always awaiting their favorite song, as their LOVE, always covered over a Multitude of sin (fm. Scripture).
Yes, Their LOVE was Strong… But, they each accepted the other’s Unique Deficits… Those Acceptable Imperfections!
I asked my Auntie a few Questions: “Do you think Uncle is in Heaven thinking… Because you were in pain… He has Forgotten All of the Kisses through the Years? Focused on your one mistake?” Or, is HE REGRETTING, not Delivering HIS KISS, though IN PAIN, also?” Adding, “Did you make it 55 years, because of your Screw-UPS, or, Because of Your LOVE?” Missing my Sweet Uncle Mikey, “OUR TEARS,” Flowed Together! I continued Soothing my Precious Auntie Jackie, explaining that Spirit, to Spirit… They had Graduated, & they no longer needed to touch Lips, as their 55 years of some 20,000 + Kisses (Goodnight Only), were their Reality that outweighed All of their Deficits. THEIR LOVE, was the kind, that would continue throughout Eternity!
Many Blessings & Much Love!
🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
@@janiecepoush1904 - Beautiful
Very wise Auntie.
"I could tolerate the lack of security better than I can tolerate the lack of freedom. I understood early on that I wil be self-employed. I can tolerate not knowing when the next check is going to come from but I prefer that than someone is telling me when I take a vacation." speaks for me ❤
I like how this host listens to his guest in such a respectful and considerate way :)
Her art of communication is superior.
What a fine teacher.
Thank you.
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
When she talks about relational ambivalence she's talking about rupture and repair. Many therapists will say that "we never fight" is actually a death sentence. Real couples fight. It's part of being authentic. They just fight better - we talk about our deep fears and learn how to be careful. "Misattunement" is inevitable in relationships, and part of being human. True love and empathy have a lot more to do with understanding and forgiveness, rather than aiming to be perfect. Pia Mellody says "fall in love with someone you respect enough to criticize." Someone who can hold your anger and your sadness - both are valid and necessary emotions. True love is flawed. It's broken and put back together, and stronger each time. But it rests on a foundation of secure attachment - love may be "conditional" in the sense that we accept each other as we are in the present moment, but more broadly, love is unconditional in that we accept each other as always changing - the key part is always re-attunment - can we "find" each other again (emotionally) when we inevitably disconnect. The sad part is, many couples have never "found" each other emotionally in the first place. You can't go back to a secure attachment that never existed in the first place. Secure attachment must be built and maintained, otherwise it's insecure and destined for failure.
So interesting to think about Esther's 4 parts of jealousy and how they are rooted in childhood attachment (to parents). 1- a true sense of autonomy 2- we experience novelty together of self and other 3- we appreciate the other as existing separate from our self 4- separation and reunion. She's describing the secure base and safe haven of attachment theory. As children, we must "choose" our parents for the sake of our survival. As adults, we "choose" our partner, but we can survive alone - which means we need to keep choosing our partner over and over. That's why the ways we learn to cope with our parent's emotional deficits (our core wounds) are inevitably brought into our adult relationships. Once, they were relational survival strategies, now they're just our "personality" - which means we need to be aware, and our partner - so we can work towards a union that involves equal parts autonomy and connection. Or as esther says, novelty and safety. Eroticism and love.
@PGH Engineer are you happily married? How many years? How much time do you and your partner spend together and apart, and how do you each feel about it? Do you talk about these things? As a man, do you ever feel like your partner is "nagging" you? How do you resolve that? Does it get resolved? It's cool to take a simple approach to things...but if you spend less than 50% of your time in a state of "bliss" with your partner - or if you don't feel like your relationship "adds" a lot to your life - this stuff is worth thinking about. It is based on science. No different from measuring how hard to swing a bat to hit it out of the park.
@PGH Engineer Dude...i agree, she is dressing up the info and getting rich - BUT there is decades of research on attachment theory, which is what the majority of esther says is rooted in. Also, attachment theory underpins most of modern psychology now, and the leading minds in psych and mental health - Dan siegel (interpersonal neurobiology) and sue johnson (emotionally focused therapy) are leaders in this. If you are trying to say that there is no logic to love or relationships, you're wrong. It's a very defeatist attitude...which tells me you may want to look into personality development - another broad area of psychology with thousands of studies. The reason nobody knows this stuff now is because we couldn't scan and measure the human brain until recently in history, so this new knowledge of how our brains work in relationship is not widely understood...yet. It also goes to the deepest parts of our being...we are social, bonding animals. That's what we are. The core question is, what triggers your amygdala (fear) in relationship and how has your personality adapted "around" that fear - and therefore what do you "naturally" think and behave like - and then - how can a therapist help guide you, in relationship, to "corrective emotional experience", which essentially means true, felt, vulnerability, in the presence of a loved one. Because if we can learn and experience how to "feel safe" in relationship with someone, then we can re-create that in times of stress (trust). Which is why most "advice" doesn't work - our brains get triggered and we forget the advice. This is where self awareness and other awareness converge. How do we "heal together"?
@PGH Engineer I appreciate your perspective! Agree to disagree I guess 🙂
Deep
'See how your partner is in social situations' thats pure gold 👌❤️🦋
Im am going to have to start disagreeing with that notion.
My boyfriend is out going, funny, joker , mr smile, shake your hand, smile real big to the waiter/ waitress.
All his friends think hes mr cool.
But the side Ive seen that no one else has seen.
Has not been positive .
Or true to the person.
I have been told by his highschool
Friends,
I guess what Im trying to say is that you can absolutely not just go by how they are in public.
You only see someone for who they really are when they are at the door of a storm, when you to see how they handle stress, handle arguments or debates.
Or how they react to something you say or do something they dont like.
Thats just what my life experiences
Have been proven.
@@hbkkashleyy1685 absolutely 👍🏻👌🏻
Esther Perel is one of the GREATEST WOMEN ON EARTH!! Thank you Esther, we are so grateful for you sharing your knowledge so powerfully!
🧡
Esther is truly a gift. ❤️
A committed relationship is not just about a love story but a "life story" Love that! Thank you Esther for your insight and Lewis for doing the interview. To the person reading this, you deserve to have a partner who you love and can have a beautiful life with. I wish you a life of growth and manifestation where you become the person you want to attract. You deserve the beautiful life you have been dreaming of. Okay time for me to go back to watching this interview. It's good!
Thank you, wish you the same ❤❤❤
@@OzmaOfOzz Thank you! ♥️
👍
Thank you and I wish the same for you as well.❤️
Thank you so much. I really needed to see that and I wish you the exact same
Relationships help you to be who you are. That is the best sentence I’ve ever heard.
Is she an angel disguised in a human form? Its just factual and unbelievable that priceless things are always available without a price. These gemstones of priceless wisdom in here are what every human should strive to pursue. Honestly speechless.
🧡
You learn the people in actions, how they relate to each other in social context, how they treat the person on the street, waiter, everybody while they are trying to be super nice to you. That’s more precise piece of information than how long we date
This reference to the social is so key. I have just learned this at 42. Bring it to the social situation to really know someone, not just between two, cause it’s a very different thing.
And do they want to know you.
I love how Lewis takes notes with such an innocent face like a school boy.
Thanks!
Perel’s points make so much common sense, it’s kind of crazy these outlooks aren’t ….well, more commonly considered!
So true!
👍
Relationships are about trust, so if you find yourself having to play detective all of the time, then it is time to move on.
💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
This is absolutely true! This is why I don’t associate with those who lie and manipulate. I realize we all have our flaws and everyone lies, but if someone is lying to enjoy their hidden lifestyle or hide their inhibitions, then they don’t have the self respect let alone respect for their SO, to be honest enough to create trust. Trust is the foundation to all meaningful connections.
I always play detective... idk if that's not possible for my brain type.
Two things to this.... Trust... but verify! And Watch for their actions over their words. Concerning actions require concern. Non concerning actions require trust and patience.
Second marriages often mean blending families and not many of us have the tools to deal/cope with these challenges.
Staying single by choice is a very peaceful, happy and uncomplicated life. Not having to deal with someone else's expectations is Freedom.
Totally. Our culture is not such that I even care to waste my time. The day a man asks for my number with *actual intent* on going out and doing something fun that I enjoy and getting to know each other, instead of "saying" they want to take me out just to get my number to try to text interview me and try to set up an "insertion" opportunity will be a new day.
The females I talk with that do "date" if you can call it that anymore, basically say they hook up and get physical and then fight about him trying to control her. They are supposed to do whatever dude says--when dude barely knows her, let alone has any actual responsibility over the consequences of his actions towards her, nor typically even cares about what us good for her.
Yes. Single by choice for a woman and caring for ourselves is a great freedom that is available for women in America like in no other place, that I wish more women would embrace instead of running from male to male to male to male getting immersed in relationships where they are not valued, told what to do like a dog, used and tossed and left thinking something is wrong with them for being tossed.
Something is wrong with them alright--allowing themselves to be put in that situation to start with and not taking advantage of the opportunity to be educated and work and care for ourselves that we have in America is the freedom they are missing.
@@MsWest-tf6xu You must have missed the part where she said we need others to learn who we even are. In order to even be OURSELVES.
@@klopossa2 Why and how you relate being single by choice to what you are talking about?
Seems like a co-dependant viewpoint.
@@klopossa2 It is totally possible to be single and still be surrounded by others. Are you suggesting that people have to have a partner to learn who we are? I don't think she says that.
@@northofyou33 to learn who we are with a partner yes. Which is totally different than solo..obviously.
Happiness mandate: continue pursuing happiness is miserable most of the time; pusue integrity, depth, joy, aliveness, growth, liveness, caring Someone, having their back, feeling they have your back, want the best for them, compersion( feeling joy for the happiness of others), those things ultimately make you feel happiness.
Listening to her is very enlightening. It also stirs in me the unrest I have in my current relationship. It makes me want to get back to the time when my partner was really into me.
What do you think your partner would say/do if you told them that? Maybe you both feel the same way but neither wants to admit it and risk being rejected
Esther Perell is the BEST Dating Coach in the World. Her advice is amazing!! Lewis your great with letting your Guests talk and asking GREAT questions.
I had a partner, who I loved and tolerated his phone bleeping all the time, it was his ex wife, who also used to turn up at the house and on the first occasion walked in the house.
I definitely can't except that level of contact with an ex, my expectations surely aren't to high
I listen to Dr. John Delony on TH-cam- he many times quotes Esther Perel. Now she comes up on my TH-cam feed - I’m so grateful for that. Esther hits the nail on the head for me on many relationship issues. I truly happy and relieved to feel heard and understood.
I want Esther to analyze those of us who find her talks on you tube and listen obsessively to every thing she has to say and read all her books, buy her bundles and generally can’t get enough. I kind of think that when you’re in a tough spot in a relationship these things that resonate so much feel like hope. You see it all and see that there is a way out. And the hope acts like a balm. I also think if I listen hard enough and long enough this wisdom will become mine and I’ll have the ability to apply it in those moments when it’s so hard.
Personally, I tried Jealousy on once and didn't like how it felt... so I took advice from someone else and focused only on the quality of my own time spent with that person. Instead, my intention is to always be Me... and manifest my own relationship with that individual.
If I start to not like how I feel, I give myself space from them to recalibrate.
Yes jealousy is an ugly thing, believe me I know, it can really destroy something great that you may have,
I had the jealousy going on and it crushed my relationship sadly
So sorry to hear that!
@@shurieai8698 there is a place for understanding and respecting eachothers boundaries based on how our body and energy react. Having lived a mostly reclusive life, I feel jealousy as an emotion that includes a lack of understanding of the situation. If I find someone prefers that emotion, I can accommodate... but it's for their needs and not my own. I prefer trust and open communication. Men & women are friends. It's not a matter of CAN they be, it's generally how we are built... yes? We have to have faith in ourselves, and our other, and keep positive energy flowing between us. You know what happens then? We essentially find ourselves handing the person their life back and find we really do trust them and it was our own emotions we needed to learn to control instead. That... is an accomplishment. Comparatively, jealousy is nothing but there to help strengthen our own self and relationships... and we just needed another point of view of the situation. We all come in this world alone... we live it alone/our own dreams.. and we leave alone. It is not our job to control another. Let them do what they need to do, for their own reasons.
Those who care, don't matter.
Those who matter, don't care... because they have a higher level of understanding than what others are aware of.
This is why we do not judge others.
@@selfretired3025 The part where u said we came into the world alone and will leave alone is so true and it's one of my favorite sayings
Stop looking at people as products. Love comes when the evaluation stops. 22:26 who are you. what can i bring, what responsibility you take, how generous you are, how you show up,
True, my 1st divorce was because young age, 2nd divorce was because I choose more like business partner not life partner
I absolutely love the concept of love story and life story. It really lifted a burden off me because I always expected life stories to be like a longer version of a love story which just can't be because of what Esther explained (are you gonna bring this person to your parents? Do you want children? etc) So obviously love stories are gonna feel more intense and romantic because they don't have to ever think of all the implications the life story involves. The love story feels like a romantic movie because we don't have to worry about anything but just live the love in the moment. Makes a lot of sense to me now. I think some people make the mistake to ditch a life story for a love story exactly for these reasons.
🧡
Valuable! So very valuable.
I ditched my life story because I disliked the story was being told. 🇧🇷
I am so glad these conversations are open for anyone in need. Some families have their stuff together and many don't. I have seen mothers tell their son's how women are and many have never had that talk.
I was lucky to have both parents and still married after 50 years. The odd thing was there are no talks like this. This is whats missing from my family and it shows. My brother, sister, and myself need clarity for this chaos.
Very true with the second marriage divorce. And I understand about the third marriage being more successful, I was the common denominator in all my failures.I am taking the time to devote to my own development. This is the make it or break it time. No longer looking for anyone but myself, I have actually found the courage to be more caring without attaching. More about defining what I can do, not what I must do.
Lewis, every question you asked Esther was exactly what I wanted to ask her if I had the opportunity to sit with her. It's like thinking alike. You are so amazing at extracting the wisdom and info from your guests that your audience would appreciate. I appreciate Esther's wisdom, too. Keep doing what you do. More power to you both!
So happy you are enjoying the content. I would love for you to subscribe and leave me a review here:
podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id596047499
A remarkably profound woman. Thanks Lewis for having her and asking really important questions. She is one of my many great teachers and I am grateful to be able to experience her wisdom time and again. I love her to bits! ❤️❤️
You're welcome,thank you for being here 🧡
Lewis, thank you for bringing Esther back on “School of Greatness”, she’s one of my favorites. 🙏
I just love Esther’s way teaching the ABC’s of a healthy conscious love relationship, especially the difference between love and desire, they have different frequencies. ❤️💜
I agree with her that unconditional love is just a myth in an adult romantic relationship.
This kind of love is possible just between a parent and her child to raise, protect and teach the child in a safe environment.
Between 2 responsible adults we should have a reciprocal, give and receive, conscious love relationship.
There’s too much abuse in the name of love in lots of current relationships due to old conditioning beliefs “we’re together forever till death will draw us apart”.
I mean who came up with this drama trauma kind of unhealthy relationship that opens the possibility for lots of suffering and misery?
Have you heard about that saying “ Happy wife, happy life” that’s stemming from pretzeling people pleaser behavior and eradicates any kind of autonomy and growth, hence “I lost myself in that relationship ”.
Or the old belief “we’re not happy but we’re staying together because what people would say” or “we’ve already invested so much in this marriage and going on separate ways is too scary because it’s the unknown”. Human mind has been programmed to assume the worst case scenario to keep us in survival so mitigating the reality for a different possibility has not been taught in school. 😁
And that’s how our kids model our relationships and perpetuate generational emotional trauma.
We’ve got to unlearn, discard and delete old conditioning view regarding drama trauma bond kind of relationships and be willing to learn, grow and evolve within a healthy conscious partnership through openness, honesty, transparency, curiosity, vulnerability, playfulness, compassion, kindness, peace and joy while maintaining autonomy and freedom in an interdependent relationship.
You know how good mental and emotional health feels like?
Joy, inner peace and satisfaction.
The ultimate question to ask ourselves is: “What’s actually truly important to me ?” and listen.
What we’re doing afterwards is solely our choice. 💜🙏
So happy you are enjoying the content. I would love for you to subscribe and leave me a review here:
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@@lewishowes Thank you for ur reply. I’ve been subscribed to ur podcast long time ago. I’ve actually listened the episode with Esther on ur podcast first, it’s actually my favorite podcast, love the topics about health, wellness, neuroscience, relationships, human mind and behavior, finances. Would be Ok if I would copy and paste my utube comment to ur podcast? Would be helpful to you?😁
@@lewishowes Done. I’ve changed it a bit, you’re gonna like it.😉
@ corina . Hi. I don’t think unconditional love is a myth. It depends on how you were brought up. Unconditional love is not only for mother and child relationship . It is also for married couple. If you grew up in a happy secured family environment where family is the utmost important in that culture then you want exactly the same growing up. And I was married until he passed away 9 years ago. I love him unconditionally. I don’t need to explain it further what that meant . But I know what is unconditional love is . So you can not generally conclude or come up to a conclusion that it is a myth.
@@marilynsik8959 Your love became unconditional because of his demise. Otherwise it would only have been or be a mutually felt strong emotion. Humans are just incapable of offering stable unconditional love. Emotions and feelings are always fluid and not solid.
It requires incredible maturity to reach the state where on can form a meaningful relationship, according to what Esther describes here…but despite the difficulty I cannot complain because everything she says is so true
It's always great to listen her. She is an epitome of wisdom. Her talks are very helpful in understanding the modern relationships.
She’s so well spoken and makes sense
True love ❤️ starts with the Truth not a lie and the lies ruin the foundation of relationships!
So true!
Indifference, (I matter, connecting) , neglect(take it for granted);contempt; disrespect
Yes, we can not give up who we are to be loved.
🧡
I love Esther Perel. I was married for 21yrs to a very good man who was a kindred spirit... that was 10yrs older. He got sick and died. I was wife number four and this was my first and last marriage. I am 59 yrs/o I had a life and love story with him. The love story died when he changed...Now after clarity of nine months since he died, I only want a love story with a man that wants an LAT type of relationship and can tolerate I need to continue learning and love my freedom. Unfortunately this is something hard to find.
It's really easy! Just find an older man who can't drive. If you can drive, you are the most beautiful girl he's ever met! Contact me later, tell me about your great new man.
Is love story and life story with the same person possible? I truly desire that. I want to be with a man my 5 senses are inlove with. I am not settling for less
@@violet807 girl what😂😂
I have not been able to admire my wife for the last four years. I have only been able to care for her. I think back to when we were in Rome and I saw every man looking at her beauty. Same thing in Paris, Barcelona or whereever we went. I look at her and miss her so much. She became depressed and is now a totally different person. Me beeing in damage/caring mode has ruined our marriage.
Lewis keeping notes all the time is so cute. Doing the same by the way. This woman is a gem.
Desire(own the wanting): mystery, risk taking; discover, explore, curious, play, fun, emotional risk, bring sth differently from I always do to you now;charisma( in his presence He made me feel special); appreciation gratitude ( thank you); go out of way, go extra thing; do sth to them because it matters to them; give each other a lot of individual space (not everything needs be shared; admiration; don’t make your partner one person for everything;
The reason therapy is needed when in the beginning of the relationship is because we aren't taught how to be fully functioning, properly adjusted people anymore. This is different from the past where things were different. I only realized that while watching this video. It was something that bothered me. I didn't understand why we now need therapy or counseling to be in a relationship. It's because things have gotten so muddled by social media and advertising. We no longer know how to function by ourselves or in relationships.
Amazing conversation… learned more about authentic relationships in 1 hour than reading 10 books
this should be a school subject...
🙌
My personal Opinion: Only one complaint! I love this show but the click-bait titles are really hard to get past... I find myself avoiding many of your videos because the titles are such turn-offs and I think these titles really cheapen the impression of an otherwise fruitful and meaningful interview. I am always pleasantly surprised with how much valuable knowledge is shared. Truly life changing stuff happening here. Sad that it's masked with bad taste marketing. It's quite a contrast to your authenticity and I fear it may repel authentic people away from your beautiful content! Thanks for reading!
Yep.
I haven't seen any.. 🤔
Or I'm just too consumed with her accent to be distracted. lol
@@annmarietrupia6650 paid accounts do not have advertising
I couldn't agree more. Very cheap click-bait-y titles for, in this case, a highly intelligent and enlightening conversation. I almost didn't click on this save for being convinced to do so by a trusted friend.
OMGODNESS Ester Perel is amazing. I love each and every of her talks . Thanks for having her again 🙏🏻💝✨🌹
You're welcome!
I can listen to this beautiful woman everyday. She's great.
Ester Perel is such a fabulous relationship expert and I respect her wisdom, experience, and advice. I loved this video. Thank you so much for sharing her with us.
Thank you so much for your feedback 🙂
She is a modern feminist who like most of women blame everything on men.
Guess what? Yesterday I was wishing I guess I could watch a free podcast of her. Lots of love to you Lewis. You make more difference in people's lives than you think you do.
Love,
Surabhi.
So happy to hear this :)
Nice conversation , down to earth, so many of us, me included , idealise the relationship when in fact we should reevaluate our expectations and stop looking for all the needs being fullfield by our loved one, he or she can't make it neither do we...
Thank you!
Thans so much. Today I had this feeling of disappointment with my partner and he bought me a chocolate. And then I heard this video I called him and he was happy because I called him and now we're okay. Thanks!!!!
You're welcome,thank you for being here 🧡
They have the most amazing chemistry in their interviews. Great job.
Appreciate you and your support🧡
My wife didn't understand that last point. I can only be your everything for everything for so long. It's ok to confide in your family and friends. We have enough on is as is. That was one of her reasons for leaving me. But it wasnt me, she was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Mommy/daddy issues. I learned later on. Praying she gets help. I tried to be so much to her but it never was enough. All while working, going to school and raising children. It was a tough ride and she wanted to get out...tough walk!
What a beautiful testimony! I am sorry for the end of your marriage. I am sure you did what you could. I am afraid I suffer from borderline too, but I am trying to find the cure for that. I feel I have been demanding and asking too much from my husband and it’s never enough. Peace and light to you!
This woman is remarkable. The third relationship, in my opinion, will be much better because, as an individual, you grow in wisdom by then, and you are more mature, having tolerance to react appropriately to discern and take the right action.
The only sad thing is that a lot of people react differently to breaking up, and this can have a negative impact on their chance of finding the right person. It's a very weighty subject that can go on for hours due to various opinions, beliefs etc.
Life is a learning process, and I pray that all who are genuinely good and mean well find their life partner, including myself.
WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IN GOD OR NOT YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE HIM ON JUDGEMENT DAY AND HE WILL GO THROUGH EVERY WORD YOU SAID/EVERY THOUGHT YOU HAD/EVERY SIN YOU DID. YOU WONT BE ABLE TO ARGUE WITH HIM EITHER, YOU WILL KNOW YOU ARE GUILTY AND MADE A BIG MISTAKE. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS TO TURN TO JESUS BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. YOURE EITHER FOR GOD OR AGAINST GOD AND THERE IS BUT 1 GOD (its not satan/buddha/allah). PLEASE READ THIS MESSAGE BELOW AND IF YOU WANT TO MOCK AFTER GO FOR IT BUT I PLEAD WITH YOU TO READ IT. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU
GOD'S STANDARD FOR HEAVEN IS PERFECTION AND ONLY JESUS (THE SON OF GOD/GOD IN THE FLESH) LIVED THAT PERFECT LIFE! HE LAID DOWN HIS LIFE & TOOK THE WRATH OF THE FATHER ON THE CROSS FOR YOUR SINS! GOD IS JUST SO HE MUST PUNISH SIN & HE IS HOLY SO NO SIN CAN ENTER HIS KINGDOM OF HEAVEN. IF YOU ARE IN CHRIST ON JUDGEMENT DAY GOD WILL SEE YOU AS HIS PERFECT SON (SINLESS SINCE YOUR SINS ARE COVERED BY JESUS' OFFERING). YOU CAN ALSO CHOOSE TO REJECT JESUS' GIFT/SACRIFICE & PAY FOR YOUR OWN SIN WITH DEATH (HELL) BUT THAT SEEMS PRETTY FOOLISH! GOD SEES & HEARS EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID & DONE. YOU WONT WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH HIM & YOU CANT DEFEND ANY OF YOUR SINS TO HIM. YOU'RE NOT A GOOD PERSON, I'M NOT A GOOD PERSON... ONLY GOD IS GOOD! WE'RE ALL GUILTY WITHOUT ACCEPTING JESUS' SACRIFICE FOR OUR SINS!
MUHAMMAD DIDN'T DIE FOR YOUR SINS, BUDDHA DIDN'T DIE FOR YOUR SINS, NO PASTOR/NO PRIEST/NO SAINT/NO ANCESTOR DIED FOR YOUR SINS, MARY DIDN'T, THE POPE DIDN'T EITHER, NO IDOLS OR FALSE gods DIED FOR YOUR SINS, NO MUSICIAN OR CELEBRITY DIED FOR YOUR SINS, NO INFLUENCER OR TH-cam STAR DIED FOR YOUR SINS, NO SCIENTIST OR POLITICIAN DIED FOR YOUR SINS, NO ATHLETE OR ACTOR DIED FOR YOUR SINS! STOP IDOLIZING & WORSHIPING THESE PEOPLE!
JESUS CHRIST ALONE DIED FOR YOUR SINS & WAS RESURRECTED FROM THE GRAVE! HE IS ALIVE & COMING BACK VERY VERY SOON WITH JUDGEMENT (THESE ARE END TIMES)! PREPARE YOURSELVES, TURN FROM SIN & RUN TO JESUS! HE KNOWS YOUR PAIN & TROUBLES, HE WANTS TO HEAL & RESTORE YOU! TALK TO HIM LIKE A BEST FRIEND! ASK HIM TO REVEAL HIMSELF TO YOU & HELP YOU TO BELIEVE IF YOU DOUBT! DON'T WAIT TO CRY OUT! NO ONE IS PROMISED TOMORROW! HE LONGS FOR YOU TO INVITE HIM IN, HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN ANY PERSON EVER COULD, HE CREATED YOU!
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."-John 14:6
"But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven."-Matthew 10:33
“For the wages of sin is death (hell), but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord”-Romans 6:23
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@ Asake Ajao Thank you for the well wishes. I am doing the self work to heal and be better prepared for the next connection/relationship/marriage.
@@janetroberts5140You're most welcome, dear. I'm sure when you get blessed with someone, you'll be a great partner because it's incredible people like you that have healed from situations that will have a tonne of love and care to give 💝
Breaking up is definitely something people don't want to go
Thank you Esther, you reaffirmed my reasons for divorcing my 1st husband. I made better decisions when selecting my 2nd husband. As close to a 'soul mate' as possible. Maturity makes marriages work.
I've been a widow over 10 years, yet I'm not in a rush to find someone new. Men remarry after becoming widowers much sooner than women. I feel an emotional difference between my divorce and the death of my husband. To have an ex who you could still contact and berate is not possible if that person has passed away. There is no reconciliation possible and melancholy can really set in.
The revelation from her is phenomenal.
All of this takes knowing yourself and your boundaries very well. It takes being in various relationships throughout life to actually understand what your values and boundaries are. Also, people change, and values and needs change with time. What was important once for someone, may become less importante or even more so later in life.
Unconditional love is not a myth. It's called accepting the good, bad, & ugly...
Unconditionally Loving
mySelf ~
in the presence of the
“other”
…THIS offers
the experience of expansion
of my capacity
for Loving
mySelf and the “other”
freely ~
or
🌈”Unconditional Love”
or
The capacity to flow Love,
regardless
of how others
behave, think or speak
about me,
themselves
& Life.
✨🌈Thank you BOTH
for this wonderful
conversation ~ ✨🙏💕✨
!!! Freedom is at hand !!!
We only do that for out kids and they can muck that up too...
I think you two are just fascinating together. The questions, the flow of your ‘chat’ are just terrific! So interesting… thank you both for sharing.
Thank you so much! Your comment made my day 😊
Yes, the flow, is perfect!
Lewis represents your guy on the street outlook. Makes this video a gem for many "typical" men.
This women have deep understanding our current state.. Waw 🤔 I am blown away by her wisdom
👍
1st time I've met this lady, what a wonderful talk this is! Thank you. She's incredible. This was extremely enlightening and a totally different (& necessary) slant on things.
Thank you so much for watching!
Understand things really important to you. Don't get involved with someone in the hope sth will change. Love someone wholly without having to love all of them. Unconditional love is a myth. Relational ambivalence： conflicts, alive and boring.; hate and love etc.
Best part 🎯💯
Almost 8 years now happy and madly in love with my best friend, my lover, my partner. My soulmate. Marry someone that is compatible with you. Share same views, character and ethics. Opposites do not actually attract they lead to resentment and indifference
Esthers second appearance is what introduced me to the channel! So pumped to see her back thanks for another amazing episode. I’d love seeing one of y’all have a productive sit down with Rollo Tomassi would would be legendary , the middle ground found in that talk would be fascinating.
6: Just be authentic, no third-party therapist neeeded.
" Society and religious thinking outside
The 📦; acceptance and respect no matter your status ; cultures; and letting go of beliefs and opinions
That no longer serves us; forgive but
Learned the lessons; independent. Freedom and choice let us grow
I love this . Thank you for bringing her again. In min 57:30 when she explained the importance of introducing the date to a social gathering and friends in early of the starting to know the person. That is what we do in my Colombian culture. I loved to hear her analysis of it. It is so important
Thanks for being here! 🧡
Perhaps... but its not a fail safe.. especially if your partner is not a versy social person or comes accross as shy untill they really reveal them selves..
Botice i write "vome accross as shy" when really they are covertly Narcissistic ...
Yes i yroduce...but dont use it as a "yard stick" id say.
Values, are very personal. This needs to be done by your own judgements. 💚 I raised my daughter to count on herself first, but she knew I was there to caught her if she fell.
I say these to my kids too
Learn to get out when its not giving you peace
I could listen to Esther Perel all damn day. Great insights!
She's great!
I just love her knowledge, information and service to all of us that she gives! Thanks a lot!
You're welcome, thank you for watching🧡
She’s brilliant … such an interesting discussion with the pair of you. Very insightful ❤️
Glad this was helpful for you🧡
She makes so much sense! Learning a lot from her.
Thank you so much for your feedback 🙂
Value: longing, aspirations, beliefs, interests; how you repair the disappointment ; bids for reconnection, I still care, respect you; minutes; take responsibility is the ultimate freedom; I messed up, shouldn’t have done this;
Phenomenal. She has such excellent insight into aspects of relationships I have never been able to identify or name. Thank you!
Sure works for modern feminists who blame everything on men.She is modern feminist.
Thanks Lewis for hosting Esther with her deep Experience. She just Pointed my weakest point. Cause the main thing I didn't had and don't have the courage to be in real relationship because I'm feel not enough for the woman I would to be with her!
Wonderful talk with an intelligent, insightful, articulate woman . So many take aways, but loved "In the space between you and the other is where erotic love exists." Beautifully said. 💕
Glad you enjoyed it!
better to only seek safety within. Ii dont think we should seek our complete 'safety' w/in relationship. I have learned enough to appreciate the importance of appreciation and the need to follow our inner, core values.
If we would release attachment to outcomes....how we think thinngs should unfold..doesnt mean giving up on your dreams or vision
The pursuit of happiness does make you miserable. This must be why I am happy because I pursue happiness for others
Makes sense!
profound “notion of unconditional love is a myth” that mature relationships exist in “ambivalence”…going to have to re-listen and digest this concept
Ppl should be careful to not think ambivalence is the same thing as just accepting anything and everything.
I don't feel attracted to my partner more when his ex is around, I feel repulsed that he can't set boundaries with her..
This conversation has the same spirit as The Millionaire Next Door by Napolean Hill. Like the characters in that book, the interviewer here asks very good questions but constantly misinterprets her answers. Often he misinterprets her to mean that she endorses one extreme point of view or another. Fortunately, and also like the book, she is quick to correct him, to clarify her meaning, and to temper his assumptions.
I really love what she says... all the points are perfect. Just one thing. Unconditional love does exist
Unconditional love does exist, but not unconditional relationships.
This woman is mindblowing!!
🔥
The part about a soul mate used to be source/ the divine - now we are looking for it in one person. Wow, that was exactly what hit me this morning! Powerful content. All the points. This video landed in perfect divine right timing for me. Thank you very much!
You're welcome,thank you for being here 🧡
Me too! I agree with her on this. When I massage, the treatment reflects The Day, the moon, my conscious commitment to The Now, to potential, and that is undulating, not constant, but it's fulfilling.
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Loved the recording with Ester, just one tip for Lewis Howes, dont take notes during the interview, this implies the session was all about you and what you wanted to know -perhaps watch the recording again and take notes after the interview. This means you can pay more attention to whats beings said x Natasha
Or is he taking notes to refer to point previously made in the conversation. People, even me, tend to wander away from a point and forget what they originally wanted to say.
@@garyfrancis6193 I also took it as him noting questions or points to raise so he was fully engaged in the conversation. Maybe he could just edit it to not show him taking notes.
no big deal doesn't detract from an amazing conversation
Leave the man alone! His an artist and there are no rules on how to paint his creation/ canvass !!! Create & you can dictate what you would like! His not advertising or recruiting for a coach, please M'am.
First 12 minutes into this and it’s fantastic! Love Story - Life Story
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True! When you look in the mirror and be the change you want to see in another you become a better partner.
There's a lot of couples out there that have entitlement issues towards each other, that should not be the case, we're all individuals and the only thing that's going to make us happy about something is our decisions and whether we're honest with ourselves have you made a good decision, have you actually thought about what's going on, do you look at both sides of the situation🤔
Excellent content!
Lewis you are the best interviewer 🎉
I had set in my mind that I was gonna stay single for the rest of my life, I am 45 independent women. I understand now that interdependence is the goal. I see Lewis and Martita so happy and started to rethink my situation. I am happy being single,but who knows? Thanks for this interview!
So happy you are enjoying the content. I would love for you to subscribe and leave me a review here:
podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id596047499
When I meet adults who are single and talk about wanting to find their "soul mate", I cringe inside. Absolutely cringe. I've been single by choice for about 30 years and I am now ready to meet my "earth mate". I know how to fulfill everything I could possibly need on my own, but now the idea of sharing my life with a significant partner in marriage is appealing, but not necessary. I have maturity and experience on my side and most of all wisdom. The man in my life should be blissfully happy with how I turned out.
Off-topic, but at 36:15 fear, joy, disgust, sadness and anger… instantly had to think of Inside Out, the Disney movie ❤
Yes, never give up your Freedom
Esther is just brilliant. So many helpful insights
Good morning!! My question is what If you are a person who is not interested in having so many people in their life to have a "village" but still would like to have a special person to fit in their life I truly dont want to finish out my life alone or with the wrong person (55)