@@Gulchih It is not implied that the link is for a discount. It only says it's for a survey. Watch the video to learn about accountability, my friend. This is a great therapy lesson video.
@@TherapyinaNutshell 10:00 you say this but I have such severe ptsd that's a valid reason why I tend to not say anything or react the way I should but at the same time what I do is under my control, but as you can see that's conflicting... Ptsd reduces my chances for me sticking up for myself greatly, but then again I still use that as Oh well I'll just take it and use this instance as progress, which may very well be an excuse. But to complicate things a little further I think the triggers themselves may be different from the times in which I'm not triggered and it is in my control and I just either make that excuse or choose to do nothing for whatever reason. A cowardly thing. I don't hate who I am but I hate who I've become.
@@joeslacker1020 I have PTSD and it is totally possible to do as she describes. They key is being curious about your emotions without judging them. If you are triggered then your brain automatically judges the situation as a threat. But after the fact, when you are back in control you can reframe the situation as being safe/different from the original trauma. It’s a bit like removing the first domino that falls in a line of dominos. If you can take out the trigger the rest don’t collapse. It’s called dual awareness, and eventually with a lot of practice you can do it during a trigger and stay in control. Grounding also helps. I tried for years with grounding and felt like it would never work, it felt like everything would trigger me constantly. Eventually I realised that my brain was stuck in a loop of dissociating at even the whiff of danger. I realised I needed to create a new default. I began practicing grounding when I was calm & in control. Eventually it became my new default and I rarely get flashbacks in the sense that I reexperience the event. It’s more like a memory recall and the clean emotions about what I suffered. The other important thing is not to engage in avoidance behaviours, especially avoiding sleep. Your brain uses the last 1/4 of the sleep cycle to file memories as past. Trauma often fragments memory as memory processing is switched off to preserve life. Flashbacks are part of the process of joining them back together with the body sensations, emotions etc... It’s actually a sign you are healing and at night your brain will try to transform it from a present memory to a past memory. But if you don’t sleep long enough it stays stuck in the present, perpetually retraumatising you.
@@ArtyAntics I don't struggle with the flashbacks as bad as you probably. I think my main issues now is the triggers I experience for at the moment I poorly understand. One being like a truck will just be sitting on the side of the road, very suspicious looking and then it'll start moving slowly. Or a vehicle going abnormally slow on a road I'm on. I can literally feel that tonic immobility where my whole body I can't even really feel it as my muscles just turn off. That "freeze" response. I never had it as bad as I do now. But now I have incredibly high levels of stress, from who I live with causing issues/ confrontations on a daily basis. And couple that with avoiding said situations. Now It's hard for me to even go to the water spicit outside to fill water up. The anxiety is crippling at this point. And when there's a real threat or potentailly real one then it skyrockets. Physically weak in the legs. Arms visibly shaking. I have to lay down sometimes even when I watch an mma fight when I want someone to win... But to make a long story short, I think a big thing for me is thinking negatively. I used to think by doing so it would prepare me for the next situation to handle it better. But now I'm pretty damn sure it's just throwing the chemical balance in my brain off to make it worse. So I'm trying to replace the negative memorys and thoughts with positive ones. And it's a struggle when everything around me is negative. Another thing I've realized is excuses I make them about everything as an escape from responsibility. And when something stressful is going on my first instinct is to think about stuff hard, and even sing a song like an escape. And at nighttime my mind races so damn fast, it's nearly uncontrollable unless I try with all my might. I think I get this dissociation thing you speak of as mentioned above but also people don't look real to me. Like I'll be looking at my family and just stand there blankfaced as they go in and out of vision. Any tips my dude (or chick)?
My husband died 2 months ago suddenly. I am grieving of course but an added bonus to this pain is self pity at being left alone in my 40’s with two young kids and anxiety about finances. Whenever I focus on those two things my grief gets infinitely worse and I feel like I cannot function. When I stop those self defeating thoughts I start to feel like I am ok and can survive this new life. I also watched your video on routines for depression and I am going to start that next. Life is hard sometimes but we have to take steps to get through the hardest points 😞
Sorry for your loss. Hope and pray you see beauty in life and in the small things. Even in the midst of struggles, there can be so much to be grateful for, like seeing your kids grow up perhaps. Much love to you.
Very sad to hear about the sudden demise of your husband. One day your children will grow up sharing how their mother sacrificed and did everything for them herself. They will give you strength and courage. You got this! 🙏🏻
I used to have this dirty pain that caused unbearable anxiety and depression until I went to counseling where I had cognitive behavior therapy. I learned about my thought patterns and how to eliminate “stinking thinking.” I also learned journal, controlled breathing and meditation. I faithfully followed this program and once I got a hang of it I improved greatly. That was in 2008. I’m still free of that severe anxiety and depression.
@@aimanlaraib9077 I saw a therapist who used cognitive behavioral therapy to help me overcome the severe anxiety and depression. It is hard work but we’ll worth it if you stick with it.
It's called ruminating. Getting yourself prepared for a future attack, even if the attack on yourself never comes to fruition. Sometimes it helps, but mostly it's having the confidence and courage to stand up to people in the moment it happens.
I thought ruminating was just a pattern of thinking constantly focusing on any particular negative thought, unable to let go of it. For me, that’s usually an experience of reviewing the past not preparing for the future.
This is so true. No matter how many times i run drastic scenarios in my head I cannot be truly prepared until it happens so ruminating on devastation and activating my body is a useless activity.
@@mschrisfrank2420 Reduce negative thoughts with a simple practice. Your breath and mind [brain] are closely related causing stress-anxiety. For a better life sit on a chair, back straight, eyes closed and observe the sensations of your incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for around 5-10-15 minutes or more. Don’t fight your thoughts. Slowly the mind will relax. No deep breathing needed. Do the practice without any expectations. Change happens by itself from within if done regularly. Day or night, when taking a walk, sitting in a park, when reading, before sleep etc sit or lie down and observe your breath. Like me, make this a lifetime daily habit to have a good life. Avoid constipation as it affects the mind instantly. Best wishes Shyaaam Sir. -Counsellor.
I often find myself in a negative thought loop, thinking too much about imaginary future situations or conversations where something stressful, upsetting, or dangerous is present, and I start feeling the emotions of the situation when it hasn't even happened to me and probably never will. How do I stop doing this to myself?
Hi Hailey. You are not alone. Stop those scenarios whenever you identify them starting up. You have to tell yourself not to indulge them, and turn your mind to something else. Sing a favourite song or give someone a call. Stop and focus on the world around you. With practice you will get better at doing it. Good luck!
Sounds like you're worrying a lot about the future which is causing a lot of anxiety. A helpful thing for that is mindfulness, where you focus your attention in the present (here and now) without judging yourself. You become an observer of your emotions and thoughts without going down the rabbit hole of those thoughts. With enough practice, you train your attention to be in the here and now and overtime can reduce the intensity of those overwhelming emotions you're experiencing. We created a 7-Day challenge on our page for people getting started with mindfulness. If you're interested, here's Day 1: th-cam.com/video/k_9VMpGEGUQ/w-d-xo.html
Have you looked into cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)? (it was awesome for me when I was going through a pretty rough time) ~ Believe me when I say that you are stronger and more powerful than you might currently realise, but it's ok to be gentle with yourself too.
@@NeonCicada Yes absolutely CBT can be life changing for some people, especially those with mild to moderate mood disorders. (We are mental health therapists that run our mindfulness channel). Sending you light and abundance 🙏🏼
@@Squarepants44 CBT stands for cognitive behaviour therapy and can be helpful for people who have anxiety and/or depression (and other mood disorders ). It's a type of talk therapy where you look at your thinking patterns and how you spend your time (your behavior), and work on bringing in some balanced thinking (rather than negative thinking) and changing the way you spend your time to improve your mood overtime. You can do this therapy by finding a local therapist in your area, or finding resources in your community that may offer CBT. Alternatively, if your symptoms of depression are so overwhelming and your mood is so low, it might be worth going to your family physician and seeking assistance from your doctor (i.e. for medication or referral to a psychiatrist). Sometimes some people find it more helpful to stabilize on medication before they can engage in therapy successfully. You don't have to suffer. Help is available. Sending you so many blessings and strength to find answers. 🙏🏼
If you have developmental or childhood trauma and you never assign blame and grieve the loss of appropriate parenting, you will remain stuck in suffering. Maybe I missed it, but I don’t think I saw this addressed in this video. I spent decades avoiding blame because of the approach touted in this video. It did not serve me. With my particular issues, I needed to place blame. It was a part of my healing. Two and a half years into recovery from trauma, I have now assigned blame appropriately and I am doing so much better. I would hate for anyone to miss this crucial point.
Staying away from family members that caused you pain is the one... if they're still causing you pain being near them, u don't have to suffer it after years of being around certain ppl just to please others in the family it was damaging me even more. I just couldn't appease this person any longer by sacrificing my own sanity, soul .. I feel so much better now that cord has been cut.. this person has taken no accountability in situation, years of damage caused by them ❤ just to add I feel a weights been lifted.. this person was supposed to nurture and guide.. the pain I've had to deal with and was still appeasing them making excuses for them.. don't get me wrong I told them how they made me feel.. we had a toxic relationship I didbt like myself, felt unworthy.. it took me years to find ne to shed the layers.. Family do's were a nightmare.... since my time and mind was consumed I was less reactive around them, pretending its all happy families when all along it was killing me, I just couldn't be around the toxicity, the memories, it still hurt I got no apologies explanations nothing yet still going with flow.. it wasn't until I had a bit of a disagreement with my brother who is a good man, made me realise a lot.. I cried after this row like a baby, I was on phone to my friend and I was sobbing uncontrollably and what that was, was pent up trauma and pain, as upset I was I was also so relieved, I felt lighter.. its a long story with minor disagreement wirh brother, and was involving this person againnnnn, but I'm so glad as I made the decision to pull away from it for a while.. I'm not pretending no more.. how they can look me in the eye after all they've done, but they have a relationship with my son ... I just can't do this carry on after all the pain they've caused me .. I'm the one who's in control and after years of battling wirh addiction I was consumed .. I'm 40 odd and just starting to figure out who I am... and today I like me, I'm proud, and I've unravelled all those layers trapped with trauma, bad habits, and toxic behaviours .. thst was hard saying the last one, buy I was always in fight or flight mode growing up un a very aggressive environment I had neck ache back ache headache as a kid and thst was when the anxiety developed.. did they take me focus to gey it sorted ?? NO and I partied hard I got on toxic relationships with others fcuked uo as myself ... ... sorry for long story but it is whst it is, and I feel veytwr but how sad thst its supposed to be the one person who was supposed to be there for you.. believe me I've tried and tried and made excuses .. the behaviours are still there with this person but milder as they've aged, my son can see it, he's seen the aggression but he's not a target like I was, and the cupboard love is there with my son... 🩷💙🩷 I can't even write who the person is as it still hurts the truth 😪
im not affected by developmental or childhood trauma, so my perspective may be not be adequate. and i agree with you that this video didn't cover that area specifically. however, in my eyes, the right-hand side of the responsibility table covers it, in that there are responsibilities the other people have. in case of the example, it was the bosses responsibility how he reacted, and how he treated the worker. the way i see it, this could be transferred to parents/people that caused trauma. because it is their responsibility how they treat you.
@Mikolt Avas We were returned in "group" therapy to assign responsibility to the offender for variety of good reasons; to hold the offender accountable for their inappropriate or abusive actions and to take safe appropriate actions as needed. Keeping distance ma also be considered. Remember we are all sick so we must forgive the off Ed nder but that doesn't mean we hang around him/her.
How do I assign blame for the loss of appropriate parenting ? My mom wasn't able to be there for me when I needed her bc my father was murdered and we just arrived in the country so she suffered tremendously too. She needed to support 2 young kids without even knowing the language in a new country. I blame her but I also admire her for her strength to be able to do it alone.
This topic is really challenging for me as an abuse survivor. I went from abusive parents to an abusive partner and basically spent more than half my life being told that *everything* was my fault, every problem was some kind of overreaction or cognitive distortion on my part, that my judgment of what was inappropriate or unkind was "broken" and I had no right to feel any emotions in response to poor treatment because I wasn't actually being treated badly. (I was.) It's hard to navigate now. I realize that everyone has blind spots and behaviors that may be causing them problems, but when someone talks about "victim mindset" or "distorted thinking" my guard is instantly up for gaslighting, because that's what I'm used to those phrases meaning.
Seems like you have been surrounded by narcissists. I am so sorry. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Stay strong. It is NOT you or your fault. They are the broken ones, not you. I wish you all the best on your healing journey. 🙏🏽❤️
Yes, yes, yes!! This is part of the condition we're left in as a result of others' actions. Mentally, physically, emotionally. WE are the ones who have to feel ALL the feelings to get to health. Simply "changing our focus" before all emotions are processed especially when it's labeled as "forgiveness," is called spiritual bypassing. And is often tauted by religious people trying to get everyone to only focus on the positive, unwittingly causing sooo much harm in the process.
Thank you so much for these videos. Quarantine has made me stuck with my toxic and sometimes abusive family and I am not financially able to afford therapy right now. You have no idea how much your work is helping people.
thanks for your kind words, I feel like for me quarantine has left me alone with my worries to the point where I'm starting to wonder if I'm a complete weirdo or something 😀 it's a strange and tough time...I hope things get better for you soon
@@TherapyinaNutshell "normal" is just an idea. we're all weirdos in some ways and there's nothing wrong with feeling what we're feeling. thank you for your work making these video and sharing wisdom to us who are learning how to understand our emotional landscape. I have a history of alcoholic parents, sexual abuse, and a traumatic relationship and self medicated through repression and alcohol for many years. learning to develop emotional intelligence at 40 isn't easy. your videos really help so thank you 🙏
My biggest self-inflicted pain is that I constantly doubt if my pain and my feelings are real or just a victim-mindset. It tends to make me think my feelings are wrong and I don't deserve to feel that way cause "there isn't a real issue".
It's like the stoic and Buddhist perspective, pain is unavoidable in this world, but suffering is optional, it is inevitable to have things happen in our lives that will hurt and be painful, but the stance and the reactions and how we decide to deal with it is where our power lies.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
You should never tell someone you need to talk to them and then refuse to tell them about what. I've had friends do this in the past and it creates a tremendous amount of anxiety. Whether it is unwarranted anxiety or not, people need to stop leaving people hanging like that.
“What about?” is a little sudden, and too bold of a question. However if someone said that to me, I’d say that it’s too sudden to just say outright and there are things I must say first. “What about?” Is someone open to conversation, but it also it feels sudden and uninterested. Especially if someone asking said. “Hey, there something I need to talk about” replying with two words sounds uninterested. So I implore people remember to match the length of text with another, even in verbal dialog. It’s not easy to speak the truth and open up, and any small thing can be perceived as hostile, especially at the start when reaching out. It’s kind of like one of this channels earlier videos. That person reaching out probably told themselves “nobody cares, this is stupid” something along those lines, so they’re gonna look for whatever little thing is evidence to that thought. It’s why depression is a delicate topic. Not because depression is not normal and taboo, it’s because these people are so on guard they can’t interact normally. Any doubts will inevitably end the conversation.
@@sunshinecompany1 True, and it is because I am responsible for my anxiety that when people leave cliff hangers and cannot communicate like a grown adult on what they want to talk to me about, I simply do not entertain them. At all.
Your teaching should be a required course in all schools. How much suffering could be avoided if we learned earlier how our brains/thoughts work before adolescence grabs us and carries us away from what’s true!
Or life in general and just saying it's maybe commen I dont see it often lastname and or the combo but Lori Steven's?? Also im not usually this on and at 6 am approx@that however first I was thinking what a mean friend to not at least give a better indication of what to talk bout would thst have been better or worest tho ?? Why not wait till ur just ready ?? However I may have these questions for the friend or viewers yet at first I thought she's pregnant then thought no she wouldn't keep that for 2 weeks then so very very quickly I thought abortion right seconds b4 she said it wow however tho I want to say their body their choice and maybe it can be done at more safe and less graphic stages I well never forget when my moms office building got broken into and in the 1 window that was fine I seen a magazine laying inside my step was with and clarified that the photo on the COVER was an aborted baby if he was right then the baby was quite developed and it was a what s the word I should use hard image to see lifes hard to in some ways we can think it would be better not being born or dying however lifes also great and well there's the arguments about abortion I'm not aiming for arguments a discussion sure Namaste
Also side thought maybe she does this often & including in this video but half way in im realizing she avoids or doesn't use the word your but our and we I think that's good because its helping without being or sounding accusatory And when she does the opposite she says I'm almost as good Anyway it must be nice to feel this together and strong maybe the better word thats in the videos but is it also in life? Thanks for sharing the wisdom in ur videos
Glad she said he's creating just some of his pain Talking can help And it can be hard to know 1s limits or what they can change and what they can't until they think it thru and try
Not sure if this has been commented already, but for the clean/dirty phrasing, Buddhism has the concept of the first and second arrow. First arrow is the outside event that causes initial pain. Second arrow is our reaction (overthinking, basically all the 'dirty' pain) to the event that causes us to suffer even more.
Seeing this is helping me see how I’ve been creating my own suffering and how I need to stop needing an explanation for things from people. I don’t need to get closure or hold onto the feelings I have that hurt me when I have removed myself from those situations. It’s okay to let friends go and situations go and jobs go or to just remove yourself from things that you can see are hurting you.
Will Smith has a powerful post about "fault versus responsibility." It's not your fault you had an abusive childhood, a spouse who cheated, or a chronic illness. But it is your responsibility to figure out how to be okay.
@@daniellehayes8649 I kind of liked that distinction--it made me think of clutter, or the grit that gets on something if we set it down where we shouldn't :-p
@@SnowLeapord7 Indeed. If Will Smith is your go to guy to manage your emotions, you may have had a learning experience the other day. Perhaps change to this YT channel and get quality information? Could be the best thing you did this year
"When you label yourself as broken, you block yourself from taking the small actions that actually lead toward healing your pain." That is absolutely beautiful 🧡
I realized at an early age my competitive well educated parents instilled a sense of high anxiety and stress so much so that as I progressed through life I found myself constantly in a, “Fight or Flight” pose and no matter what I did I could not control my breathing muscle tightness that came with it .The one and only thing the would instantly calm me was this song, Calling All Angels and as you have professed prayer, showing humility for what I have not what I don’t
I used to be very competitive and loved the stress and challenge. I was called a gunner in college. Now I worry about not having money and bad health. (The poor often have second rate doctors.) I thank my parents for "making" me have good anxiety. I see so many poor people who are happy watching TV and living a nursing home life. Make your background work for you.
You truly are a pioneer for what therapists can truly do. yeah on a local front you help your own community, but now you can touch even more lives globally! my heart is so thankful for your truthful and honest content. so excited to start the emotion processing course! :)
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27 kjv
I personally has experienced a tremendous change in my mental health after listening to you. I can't reach you but I'm so grateful to you. I pray you live longer and happy.
I was venting in my journal and as I went through it I remembered about this video, the "I am responsible for... I am not responsible for..." Gosh, this is the most helpful exercise I've ever done while processing my emotions, I just wrote "I LOVE U EMMAAAA
After a life time of suffering from OCD and social anxiety disorder in which I thought I had control of, I recently had a nervous breakdown. I’m working with a therapist on my issues, and I am just starting to realise how damaging my thinking is with cognitive distortions and even the people I’m around subconsciously. Your videos are so insightful and logical keep up the good work Emma 👍
It's lovely to hear that prayer of serenity and how to put that into constructive ways to discern which area we can improve. Really appreciate her for including christian values in the videos!
Sometimes we need to acknowledge that an outside force did impact us greatly and held us back. Then after that is acknowledged may be it's easier to move forward Thanks I love your videos and listen to them I think they help a lot of people
Thank you Emma, I relate to all your therapy nuts and will definitely store this one. I am having a bout of depression/anxiety and am really starting to see my part to play. It is so confronting to be learning to take responsibility for myself at 57.. Like my lMum used to say “ never to old to learn”. She passed away last year and I miss her and her pearls of wisdom. She would have liked you Emma xx
Something developed through childhood and living in survival. Reinforcing the feeling of learned helplessness and I am working on breaking free from it all. I am not helpless I am capable.
I realized at an early age my competitive well educated parents instilled a sense of high anxiety and stress so much so that as I progressed through life I found myself constantly in a, “Fight or Flight” pose and no matter what I did I could not control my breathing muscle tightness that came with it .The one and only thing the would instantly calm me was this song, Calling All Angels and giving it to God as you have professed prayer, showing humility for what I have not what I don’t
I think I used to take responsabilities for everybody, was over empathic with people that hurt me tried and trie to keep positive and good. At some point during last year I just lost it, I became angry, bitter, no more empathy, blaming everybody. I was done with taking responsibility for horrible people's stuff It's like I've gone from one extreme to the next. I want to learn to be okay again, but it seems unreachable. People have hurt me so much. They hurt me with their hurt and trauma too. I hope I can find a way to be at peace and find people beautiful again.
I hope my experience can help somebody out there. Until I learned to redirect my thoughts, I couldn’t find peace. Quitting smoking saved my life in so many ways. I had to learn to stop obsessing and redirect my thoughts to where I wanted them to go. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do, but it was also remarkably empowering. I took control of my life. I can decide how much time I will invest experiencing a negative feeling. Then I walk. I don’t even know how I survived life before I learned how to do this. I’m peaceful, balanced, I invest emotionally to situations that are healthy for me, I keep away toxic folks, other people’s actions affect my day only to the extent that I allow it to, and it’s usually very little. Nothing is more powerful and life altering than self control.
exactly and its so hard to change for the better I want too and I recognize what I do is wrong but it’s still the same thing even tho it does get better at times but I always end up failing :(
Here's a thought... Friend: I need to talk to you about something. Rose: Is everything OK? Friend: I'm going through a rough time and I'd like to run things by you. Rose: I'll be there for you. Result: No angst, no drama, no worrying about what the friend wanted to talk about. The cause of this result in my scenario: The friend ~THOUGHT AHEAD~ and didn't want her friend Rose to have to speculate as to what the problem was. It was only natural for Rose to be worried after receiving such limited information. Good, clear communication and thinking ahead makes life a lot smoother, both for us and for our friends.
That is a perfect example of how we can communicate better to avoud the assumptions. in an ideal world with clear communication. Unfortunately communication doesn't always end up with clear questions and responses , and our minds can run off especially if we are unable to real ourselves back in.
I agree with you although her story was an illustration of how how thoughts and imaginations can get out of control if we suffer from anxious thinking.
I really, really, really like this concept. I tried two different psychotherapies already and I think this strikes me to be the most useful and easy to understand concept of what I've heard so far. I'll have a closer look at my life and see where I have dirty pain and where I avoid taking responsibility! Thank you so much for making these videos.
I am so grateful that I found this series. It helps so much as I am now coming to an end in therapy. It makes me realize how far I've come and reminds me of a lot of techniques we did, but I still learn something new in every video. Thanks for helping me in this learning process :)
the analogy you used with mike at work was so similar to a situation i myself faced at a previous job...right down to my boss threatening to fire me over things i couldn't control. back then i was in a pretty bad place mentally, and that situation caused me to spiral way more out of control. looking back now, my boss might've been a shithead, but a lot of the suffering i experienced was my own cognitive distortions and lack of self-confidence. i'm in a much better place now, thanks to lifestyle changes and videos like this that teach me about ways to improve my mental health. thank you ❤
Thank you so much, Emma! for sharing all this information. OMG! All this is an eye opener. Last night, when I was working on the assignment for the previous video, I wrote down the incident & all that my mind was thinking & feeling, how, why, & etc., etc., then I also wrote down why the other person might have behaved the way she did. All this writing took me a while but at the end, when I read the entire thing, I started feeling light weight, as if all the burden was lifted off of my shoulders, neck & back of the head. I actually, started feeling compassionate towards that person who offended me. She is genuinely going thru' a rough time in her life. She has no support from anywhere else except me. That's why, she shares everything with me and also shows her emotions. I have to learn to be patient & more understanding. Writing down the whole situation, helped me to understand & analyze the situation in far better way. -- Once again, please accept my gratitude that is coming from the bottom of my heart, Emma.
This is exactly what i need. I realized it's at the heart of my anxiety but im having a hard time implementing and maintaining healthier thought patterns. Thank you for this video. You're brilliant!
Please can you do a video on breaking from negative relationship cycles e.g. when you see someone you love being unhealthy, then argue in frustration and worry, then result in taking it out on yourself by letting the situation impact your own health and happiness
Thank you so much Emma for this video. I am going through the same situation as Mike and am going through terrible emotions. I can now start thinking clearly after watching this.
Been struggling to deal with a 'mike' situation of my own, and the aftermath. One year on, left work, and still working through all of the scenarios you so eloquently depict. This is helping me to crystallise what I need to do.
I was diagnosed with major depression last February. This video surely helped me and my thinking. Thanks a lot Ms. Emma. You are helping us a LOT. Thank you thank you thank you.
I make my pain worse whenever I'm struggling to do something I really don't want to do. It takes every ounce of my being to get through it. It's hard to suppress the thought, "I'm done." That's when my emotions get the better of me.
I absolutely needed this thank you ❤️..I was not that long ago so mentally screwed up that clean pain dirty pain it didn't matter...I didn't want any part of it and would shut down, dissociate and run the other direction. It prevented me from being supportive emotionally for the people who I cared about and it also kept me from being truly supportive of myself.. The same thing can be said for accountability.. Anytime I would seek counsel from my adopted mother about a problem she would find a way to completely disempower me by pointing out all the things that i couldn't do to resolve my problem then ask me "so what are you going to do about it?" So owning what is us disowning what isn't and eliminating ways we re traumatize ourselves is for me very valuable. And I think is the core of why I feel so stuck in victim mentality and procrastinating taking the initiative and action to resolve my problems instead of avoiding them. Thank you so very much for this reframing of thoughts❤
This video is A1 incredible. Its so very very on point. I'm amazed at how well you're getting every point across. I'm new here and I am so happy that I'm doing my best to get out of the cycle of experiencing dirty pain. I used to experience a lot of that and I think it ruined my teenage years (like half of it) but I'm grateful for the awareness now and I'm doing so much better. Definitely subscribed can't wait to learn more!
This video really opened my eyes. Praying for more clarity as I navigate my complicated relationship. This definitely helped me assess my responsibilities and what is in my control and what is not. Thanks so much❤
Love this emma.When I started watching the video, I was experiencing uncomfortable emotions but for the first time in 3 years of my anxiety journey, i sat with it rather than trying to make it go away and it helped. You have literally became my hope now.
For me this video is so incredibly useful, as I am going through a very difficult time in my life now and I realized that it is so difficult, because it's not just the problem that is bothering me, but my mind which keeps sabotaging my feelings and hence my decisions, that it is leading me towards more confusion and passiveness rather than clarity and action. After watching this video I just realized how much dirty pain I was inflicting upon myself, making the entire situation miserable and harder to deal with. It's always easy to focus on blaming different parties for a problem rather than taking action to fix it, but if we want to live our lives with happier hearts and calmer minds, there's no easy route to achieve it. Thank you so much for existing on this platform!
B1 deficiency causes anxiety and negative thought loops. Coffee depletes B1, so many are probably dealing with it. Supplementing changed my life. You get relief within minutes.
That's right where I am at the moment. A loss has created a void in my life and I am desperate to fill it and struggling with how to get kindred spirits in my solitary life.
These videos that you share are extremely helpful. I am grateful that you take out the time to provide free counseling online for those of us who financially can't always afford it. Thank you!
Thank you SO MUCH for your course and your generosity in sharing this extremely valuable knowledge and wisdon. You are the *most* informative mental health youtuber in my experience and the most practical and helpful for me. Thank you!
I had a boss that wouldn’t say anything more on a voicemail than a, “We need to talk.” Always stressed me out because he never gives any hint of what the topic is about and how I can prepare. I’m technically creating my own suffering but as a supervisor myself, I never do this to people who work for me.
Emma, this was a very insightful video! The way you put complex behavior into 'bite size bits' is quite impressive! Quite a gift you've got! Thanks for sharing! 💕🙏
Everything she said is 100% correct, but I would like to add something: It is valuable to be able to recognize these emotions when you feel them. You should try to nurture a habitual reaction to them, where you set a timer for 5 minutes, close your eyes, and focus on nothing else except deep breathing. Count to 3 as you inhale, count to 5 as you exhale. I promise you will feel better after those 5 minutes. Then you will have the clarity for better processing and reflection.
i feel like figuring out the difference between clean and dirty pain is a lifetime's work...when you get that down, you truly have the "wisdom to know the difference"...good luck everyone!
Brilliant reminder for everyday life! I know people who tend to blame everyone else but themselves for their own suffering. It's heartbreaking to watch this pattern repeat itself, year after year, without any breakthrough. Perhaps it's the lack of self-awareness. Or humility to look within ourselves as @ Alex Boorman suggested. 👍
Or maybe they've done both already, know that they're part of the problem but don't have the money or resources to deal with their issues so they'll never make breakthroughs. No amount of proper diet, positive thinking, or exercise will replace proper medication and therapy. I've known amazing athletes with their whole lives ahead of them commit suicide.
5 mins in and im sold!! My new significant other told me a couple yrs ago that I create my own issues. Naturally, I was offended and got defensive. After some reflection I realized he was right! I’m been trying to find a way to redirect it and then this video pops up!!!!!!
Watching this series a second time and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Thank you for providing such clear, actionable, and compassionate information and wisdom.
I work on myself to get better in this area but everytime i feel anxious or deppressed it's always right, and what makes it worse is that more than half of my recent days are those negative assumptions coming to life. I have no hope left.
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Plz helo me 😭
Sex
@@Gulchih It is not implied that the link is for a discount. It only says it's for a survey. Watch the video to learn about accountability, my friend. This is a great therapy lesson video.
@therapyinanutshell
What about pain inflicted on us by others?
Is that dirty pain?
W
It takes a lot of humility to realize that the majority of our suffering is self created.
yeah...
@@TherapyinaNutshell and joy, humility and joy... :)
@@TherapyinaNutshell 10:00 you say this but I have such severe ptsd that's a valid reason why I tend to not say anything or react the way I should but at the same time what I do is under my control, but as you can see that's conflicting...
Ptsd reduces my chances for me sticking up for myself greatly, but then again I still use that as Oh well I'll just take it and use this instance as progress, which may very well be an excuse.
But to complicate things a little further I think the triggers themselves may be different from the times in which I'm not triggered and it is in my control and I just either make that excuse or choose to do nothing for whatever reason. A cowardly thing. I don't hate who I am but I hate who I've become.
@@joeslacker1020 I have PTSD and it is totally possible to do as she describes. They key is being curious about your emotions without judging them. If you are triggered then your brain automatically judges the situation as a threat. But after the fact, when you are back in control you can reframe the situation as being safe/different from the original trauma. It’s a bit like removing the first domino that falls in a line of dominos. If you can take out the trigger the rest don’t collapse. It’s called dual awareness, and eventually with a lot of practice you can do it during a trigger and stay in control. Grounding also helps. I tried for years with grounding and felt like it would never work, it felt like everything would trigger me constantly. Eventually I realised that my brain was stuck in a loop of dissociating at even the whiff of danger. I realised I needed to create a new default. I began practicing grounding when I was calm & in control. Eventually it became my new default and I rarely get flashbacks in the sense that I reexperience the event. It’s more like a memory recall and the clean emotions about what I suffered. The other important thing is not to engage in avoidance behaviours, especially avoiding sleep. Your brain uses the last 1/4 of the sleep cycle to file memories as past. Trauma often fragments memory as memory processing is switched off to preserve life. Flashbacks are part of the process of joining them back together with the body sensations, emotions etc... It’s actually a sign you are healing and at night your brain will try to transform it from a present memory to a past memory. But if you don’t sleep long enough it stays stuck in the present, perpetually retraumatising you.
@@ArtyAntics I don't struggle with the flashbacks as bad as you probably. I think my main issues now is the triggers I experience for at the moment I poorly understand. One being like a truck will just be sitting on the side of the road, very suspicious looking and then it'll start moving slowly. Or a vehicle going abnormally slow on a road I'm on.
I can literally feel that tonic immobility where my whole body I can't even really feel it as my muscles just turn off. That "freeze" response. I never had it as bad as I do now. But now I have incredibly high levels of stress, from who I live with causing issues/ confrontations on a daily basis. And couple that with avoiding said situations. Now It's hard for me to even go to the water spicit outside to fill water up.
The anxiety is crippling at this point. And when there's a real threat or potentailly real one then it skyrockets. Physically weak in the legs. Arms visibly shaking. I have to lay down sometimes even when I watch an mma fight when I want someone to win...
But to make a long story short, I think a big thing for me is thinking negatively. I used to think by doing so it would prepare me for the next situation to handle it better. But now I'm pretty damn sure it's just throwing the chemical balance in my brain off to make it worse.
So I'm trying to replace the negative memorys and thoughts with positive ones. And it's a struggle when everything around me is negative. Another thing I've realized is excuses I make them about everything as an escape from responsibility. And when something stressful is going on my first instinct is to think about stuff hard, and even sing a song like an escape. And at nighttime my mind races so damn fast, it's nearly uncontrollable unless I try with all my might.
I think I get this dissociation thing you speak of as mentioned above but also people don't look real to me. Like I'll be looking at my family and just stand there blankfaced as they go in and out of vision.
Any tips my dude (or chick)?
My husband died 2 months ago suddenly. I am grieving of course but an added bonus to this pain is self pity at being left alone in my 40’s with two young kids and anxiety about finances. Whenever I focus on those two things my grief gets infinitely worse and I feel like I cannot function. When I stop those self defeating thoughts I start to feel like I am ok and can survive this new life. I also watched your video on routines for depression and I am going to start that next. Life is hard sometimes but we have to take steps to get through the hardest points 😞
Sorry for you situation 😔🙏❤️💪🏻
Thank you! 🙏❤️
I'm So Sorry For Your Loss. May He Rest In Holy GOD'S Presence. Stay Strong. Do it for your Children and for Yourself.
Sorry for your loss. Hope and pray you see beauty in life and in the small things. Even in the midst of struggles, there can be so much to be grateful for, like seeing your kids grow up perhaps. Much love to you.
Very sad to hear about the sudden demise of your husband. One day your children will grow up sharing how their mother sacrificed and did everything for them herself. They will give you strength and courage. You got this! 🙏🏻
I used to have this dirty pain that caused unbearable anxiety and depression until I went to counseling where I had cognitive behavior therapy. I learned about my thought patterns and how to eliminate “stinking thinking.” I also learned journal, controlled breathing and meditation. I faithfully followed this program and once I got a hang of it I improved greatly. That was in 2008. I’m still free of that severe anxiety and depression.
Hey! How did you overcome anxiety? Did you see a therapist or do it by yourself by watching these sort of videos?
@@aimanlaraib9077 I saw a therapist who used cognitive behavioral therapy to help me overcome the severe anxiety and depression. It is hard work but we’ll worth it if you stick with it.
@@maryellenthompson8261 did u use medication how long did it last?
Happy for you. I currently in process of learning and practicing the same
What symptoms did you have with your anxiety?
It's called ruminating. Getting yourself prepared for a future attack, even if the attack on yourself never comes to fruition. Sometimes it helps, but mostly it's having the confidence and courage to stand up to people in the moment it happens.
I thought ruminating was just a pattern of thinking constantly focusing on any particular negative thought, unable to let go of it. For me, that’s usually an experience of reviewing the past not preparing for the future.
This is so true. No matter how many times i run drastic scenarios in my head I cannot be truly prepared until it happens so ruminating on devastation and activating my body is a useless activity.
It’s core shame that makes you prepare for the worst and ruminate
You explained my predicament perfectly
@@mschrisfrank2420 Reduce negative thoughts with a simple practice. Your breath and mind [brain] are closely related causing stress-anxiety. For a better life sit on a chair, back straight, eyes closed and observe the sensations of your incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for around 5-10-15 minutes or more. Don’t fight your thoughts. Slowly the mind will relax. No deep breathing needed. Do the practice without any expectations. Change happens by itself from within if done regularly. Day or night, when taking a walk, sitting in a park, when reading, before sleep etc sit or lie down and observe your breath. Like me, make this a lifetime daily habit to have a good life. Avoid constipation as it affects the mind instantly. Best wishes Shyaaam Sir. -Counsellor.
I often find myself in a negative thought loop, thinking too much about imaginary future situations or conversations where something stressful, upsetting, or dangerous is present, and I start feeling the emotions of the situation when it hasn't even happened to me and probably never will. How do I stop doing this to myself?
Hi Hailey. You are not alone. Stop those scenarios whenever you identify them starting up. You have to tell yourself not to indulge them, and turn your mind to something else. Sing a favourite song or give someone a call. Stop and focus on the world around you. With practice you will get better at doing it. Good luck!
Sounds like you're worrying a lot about the future which is causing a lot of anxiety. A helpful thing for that is mindfulness, where you focus your attention in the present (here and now) without judging yourself. You become an observer of your emotions and thoughts without going down the rabbit hole of those thoughts. With enough practice, you train your attention to be in the here and now and overtime can reduce the intensity of those overwhelming emotions you're experiencing. We created a 7-Day challenge on our page for people getting started with mindfulness. If you're interested, here's Day 1: th-cam.com/video/k_9VMpGEGUQ/w-d-xo.html
Have you looked into cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)?
(it was awesome for me when I was going through a pretty rough time)
~ Believe me when I say that you are stronger and more powerful than you might currently realise, but it's ok to be gentle with yourself too.
@@NeonCicada Yes absolutely CBT can be life changing for some people, especially those with mild to moderate mood disorders. (We are mental health therapists that run our mindfulness channel). Sending you light and abundance 🙏🏼
@@Squarepants44 CBT stands for cognitive behaviour therapy and can be helpful for people who have anxiety and/or depression (and other mood disorders ). It's a type of talk therapy where you look at your thinking patterns and how you spend your time (your behavior), and work on bringing in some balanced thinking (rather than negative thinking) and changing the way you spend your time to improve your mood overtime. You can do this therapy by finding a local therapist in your area, or finding resources in your community that may offer CBT. Alternatively, if your symptoms of depression are so overwhelming and your mood is so low, it might be worth going to your family physician and seeking assistance from your doctor (i.e. for medication or referral to a psychiatrist). Sometimes some people find it more helpful to stabilize on medication before they can engage in therapy successfully. You don't have to suffer. Help is available. Sending you so many blessings and strength to find answers. 🙏🏼
If you have developmental or childhood trauma and you never assign blame and grieve the loss of appropriate parenting, you will remain stuck in suffering. Maybe I missed it, but I don’t think I saw this addressed in this video.
I spent decades avoiding blame because of the approach touted in this video. It did not serve me. With my particular issues, I needed to place blame. It was a part of my healing. Two and a half years into recovery from trauma, I have now assigned blame appropriately and I am doing so much better.
I would hate for anyone to miss this crucial point.
so happy for you! and thank you for pointing this out! I found it lacking that piece also
Staying away from family members that caused you pain is the one... if they're still causing you pain being near them, u don't have to suffer it after years of being around certain ppl just to please others in the family it was damaging me even more. I just couldn't appease this person any longer by sacrificing my own sanity, soul .. I feel so much better now that cord has been cut.. this person has taken no accountability in situation, years of damage caused by them ❤ just to add I feel a weights been lifted.. this person was supposed to nurture and guide.. the pain I've had to deal with and was still appeasing them making excuses for them.. don't get me wrong I told them how they made me feel.. we had a toxic relationship I didbt like myself, felt unworthy.. it took me years to find ne to shed the layers.. Family do's were a nightmare.... since my time and mind was consumed I was less reactive around them, pretending its all happy families when all along it was killing me, I just couldn't be around the toxicity, the memories, it still hurt I got no apologies explanations nothing yet still going with flow.. it wasn't until I had a bit of a disagreement with my brother who is a good man, made me realise a lot.. I cried after this row like a baby, I was on phone to my friend and I was sobbing uncontrollably and what that was, was pent up trauma and pain, as upset I was I was also so relieved, I felt lighter.. its a long story with minor disagreement wirh brother, and was involving this person againnnnn, but I'm so glad as I made the decision to pull away from it for a while.. I'm not pretending no more.. how they can look me in the eye after all they've done, but they have a relationship with my son ... I just can't do this carry on after all the pain they've caused me .. I'm the one who's in control and after years of battling wirh addiction I was consumed .. I'm 40 odd and just starting to figure out who I am... and today I like me, I'm proud, and I've unravelled all those layers trapped with trauma, bad habits, and toxic behaviours .. thst was hard saying the last one, buy I was always in fight or flight mode growing up un a very aggressive environment I had neck ache back ache headache as a kid and thst was when the anxiety developed.. did they take me focus to gey it sorted ?? NO and I partied hard I got on toxic relationships with others fcuked uo as myself ... ... sorry for long story but it is whst it is, and I feel veytwr but how sad thst its supposed to be the one person who was supposed to be there for you.. believe me I've tried and tried and made excuses .. the behaviours are still there with this person but milder as they've aged, my son can see it, he's seen the aggression but he's not a target like I was, and the cupboard love is there with my son... 🩷💙🩷 I can't even write who the person is as it still hurts the truth 😪
im not affected by developmental or childhood trauma, so my perspective may be not be adequate. and i agree with you that this video didn't cover that area specifically. however, in my eyes, the right-hand side of the responsibility table covers it, in that there are responsibilities the other people have. in case of the example, it was the bosses responsibility how he reacted, and how he treated the worker. the way i see it, this could be transferred to parents/people that caused trauma. because it is their responsibility how they treat you.
@Mikolt Avas We were returned in "group" therapy to assign responsibility to the offender for variety of good reasons; to hold the offender accountable for their inappropriate or abusive actions and to take safe appropriate actions as needed. Keeping distance ma also be considered. Remember we are all sick so we must forgive the off Ed nder but that doesn't mean we hang around him/her.
How do I assign blame for the loss of appropriate parenting ? My mom wasn't able to be there for me when I needed her bc my father was murdered and we just arrived in the country so she suffered tremendously too. She needed to support 2 young kids without even knowing the language in a new country. I blame her but I also admire her for her strength to be able to do it alone.
This topic is really challenging for me as an abuse survivor. I went from abusive parents to an abusive partner and basically spent more than half my life being told that *everything* was my fault, every problem was some kind of overreaction or cognitive distortion on my part, that my judgment of what was inappropriate or unkind was "broken" and I had no right to feel any emotions in response to poor treatment because I wasn't actually being treated badly. (I was.)
It's hard to navigate now. I realize that everyone has blind spots and behaviors that may be causing them problems, but when someone talks about "victim mindset" or "distorted thinking" my guard is instantly up for gaslighting, because that's what I'm used to those phrases meaning.
Seems like you have been surrounded by narcissists. I am so sorry. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Stay strong. It is NOT you or your fault. They are the broken ones, not you. I wish you all the best on your healing journey. 🙏🏽❤️
@@desiderata333 thanks!
You deserve to see a therapist who can help you recover from the narcicists in your life.
@mulonzee877 Advice is cheap. The price is right. You sound like an abuser yourself. Go gaslight someone else. Not the person you responded to.
Yes, yes, yes!! This is part of the condition we're left in as a result of others' actions. Mentally, physically, emotionally.
WE are the ones who have to feel ALL the feelings to get to health.
Simply "changing our focus" before all emotions are processed especially when it's labeled as "forgiveness," is called spiritual bypassing.
And is often tauted by religious people trying to get everyone to only focus on the positive, unwittingly causing sooo much harm in the process.
Thank you so much for these videos. Quarantine has made me stuck with my toxic and sometimes abusive family and I am not financially able to afford therapy right now. You have no idea how much your work is helping people.
thanks for your kind words, I feel like for me quarantine has left me alone with my worries to the point where I'm starting to wonder if I'm a complete weirdo or something 😀 it's a strange and tough time...I hope things get better for you soon
@@TherapyinaNutshell "normal" is just an idea. we're all weirdos in some ways and there's nothing wrong with feeling what we're feeling. thank you for your work making these video and sharing wisdom to us who are learning how to understand our emotional landscape.
I have a history of alcoholic parents, sexual abuse, and a traumatic relationship and self medicated through repression and alcohol for many years. learning to develop emotional intelligence at 40 isn't easy. your videos really help so thank you 🙏
My biggest self-inflicted pain is that I constantly doubt if my pain and my feelings are real or just a victim-mindset. It tends to make me think my feelings are wrong and I don't deserve to feel that way cause "there isn't a real issue".
Sounds a bit like ocd
Same here
It's like the stoic and Buddhist perspective, pain is unavoidable in this world, but suffering is optional, it is inevitable to have things happen in our lives that will hurt and be painful, but the stance and the reactions and how we decide to deal with it is where our power lies.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
You should never tell someone you need to talk to them and then refuse to tell them about what. I've had friends do this in the past and it creates a tremendous amount of anxiety. Whether it is unwarranted anxiety or not, people need to stop leaving people hanging like that.
“What about?” is a little sudden, and too bold of a question. However if someone said that to me, I’d say that it’s too sudden to just say outright and there are things I must say first.
“What about?” Is someone open to conversation, but it also it feels sudden and uninterested. Especially if someone asking said. “Hey, there something I need to talk about” replying with two words sounds uninterested. So I implore people remember to match the length of text with another, even in verbal dialog. It’s not easy to speak the truth and open up, and any small thing can be perceived as hostile, especially at the start when reaching out.
It’s kind of like one of this channels earlier videos. That person reaching out probably told themselves “nobody cares, this is stupid” something along those lines, so they’re gonna look for whatever little thing is evidence to that thought. It’s why depression is a delicate topic. Not because depression is not normal and taboo, it’s because these people are so on guard they can’t interact normally. Any doubts will inevitably end the conversation.
What about going in with an open mind rather than feeling the need to guess and fret about what it could possibly be about.
You're 💯 right!!!
Other people are NOT responsible for YOUR anxiety... You are.😉
@@sunshinecompany1 True, and it is because I am responsible for my anxiety that when people leave cliff hangers and cannot communicate like a grown adult on what they want to talk to me about, I simply do not entertain them. At all.
Your teaching should be a required course in all schools. How much suffering could be avoided if we learned earlier how our brains/thoughts work before adolescence grabs us and carries us away from what’s true!
Or life in general and just saying it's maybe commen I dont see it often lastname and or the combo but Lori Steven's?? Also im not usually this on and at 6 am approx@that however first I was thinking what a mean friend to not at least give a better indication of what to talk bout would thst have been better or worest tho ?? Why not wait till ur just ready ?? However I may have these questions for the friend or viewers yet at first I thought she's pregnant then thought no she wouldn't keep that for 2 weeks then so very very quickly I thought abortion right seconds b4 she said it wow however tho I want to say their body their choice and maybe it can be done at more safe and less graphic stages I well never forget when my moms office building got broken into and in the 1 window that was fine I seen a magazine laying inside my step was with and clarified that the photo on the COVER was an aborted baby if he was right then the baby was quite developed and it was a what s the word I should use hard image to see lifes hard to in some ways we can think it would be better not being born or dying however lifes also great and well there's the arguments about abortion
I'm not aiming for arguments a discussion sure
Namaste
Also side thought maybe she does this often & including in this video but half way in im realizing she avoids or doesn't use the word your but our and we I think that's good because its helping without being or sounding accusatory
And when she does the opposite she says I'm almost as good
Anyway it must be nice to feel this together and strong maybe the better word thats in the videos but is it also in life?
Thanks for sharing the wisdom in ur videos
Glad she said he's creating just some of his pain
Talking can help
And it can be hard to know 1s limits or what they can change and what they can't until they think it thru and try
Not sure if this has been commented already, but for the clean/dirty phrasing, Buddhism has the concept of the first and second arrow. First arrow is the outside event that causes initial pain. Second arrow is our reaction (overthinking, basically all the 'dirty' pain) to the event that causes us to suffer even more.
It's the thinking about our thoughts that causes us suffering
Mindfulness 🧘♀️ is where to start. Being mindful. One step at a time. I can do this I can do anything I put my mind to!!!
❤️❤️
How does one step into mindfulness?
Seeing this is helping me see how I’ve been creating my own suffering and how I need to stop needing an explanation for things from people. I don’t need to get closure or hold onto the feelings I have that hurt me when I have removed myself from those situations. It’s okay to let friends go and situations go and jobs go or to just remove yourself from things that you can see are hurting you.
Will Smith has a powerful post about "fault versus responsibility." It's not your fault you had an abusive childhood, a spouse who cheated, or a chronic illness. But it is your responsibility to figure out how to be okay.
I like his way of explaining it better. “Dirty” pain sounds childish and still too abstract and judgmental.
@@daniellehayes8649 I kind of liked that distinction--it made me think of clutter, or the grit that gets on something if we set it down where we shouldn't :-p
This didn't age too well.... lol jk
@@SnowLeapord7 Indeed. If Will Smith is your go to guy to manage your emotions, you may have had a learning experience the other day. Perhaps change to this YT channel and get quality information? Could be the best thing you did this year
@@SnowLeapord7 Ha! ikr
"When you label yourself as broken, you block yourself from taking the small actions that actually lead toward healing your pain." That is absolutely beautiful 🧡
I realized at an early age my competitive well educated parents instilled a sense of high anxiety and stress so much so that as I progressed through life I found myself constantly in a, “Fight or Flight” pose and no matter what I did I could not control my breathing muscle tightness that came with it .The one and only thing the would instantly calm me was this song, Calling All Angels and as you have professed prayer, showing humility for what I have not what I don’t
I used to be very competitive and loved the stress and challenge. I was called a gunner in college. Now I worry about not having money and bad health. (The poor often have second rate doctors.) I thank my parents for "making" me have good anxiety. I see so many poor people who are happy watching TV and living a nursing home life. Make your background work for you.
Last night I couldn't sleep, I prayed, journald and listened to this and now going through this after morning devotion. My spirit feels peace.
You truly are a pioneer for what therapists can truly do. yeah on a local front you help your own community, but now you can touch even more lives globally! my heart is so thankful for your truthful and honest content. so excited to start the emotion processing course! :)
Thanks! I believe we can all change the world by living our calling in life. This one's mine
@@TherapyinaNutshell that's so incredible to hear
@@TherapyinaNutshell 🤮
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27 kjv
My favourite biblical passage.
Amen
Amen!!!
Amen
This is my life verse!
I personally has experienced a tremendous change in my mental health after listening to you. I can't reach you but I'm so grateful to you. I pray you live longer and happy.
I was venting in my journal and as I went through it I remembered about this video, the "I am responsible for... I am not responsible for..." Gosh, this is the most helpful exercise I've ever done while processing my emotions, I just wrote "I LOVE U EMMAAAA
After a life time of suffering from OCD and social anxiety disorder in which I thought I had control of, I recently had a nervous breakdown. I’m working with a therapist on my issues, and I am just starting to realise how damaging my thinking is with cognitive distortions and even the people I’m around subconsciously. Your videos are so insightful and logical keep up the good work Emma 👍
The Stoics call it the dichotomy of control. I love how you're explaining this from a modern-day perspective. Thank you!
It's lovely to hear that prayer of serenity and how to put that into constructive ways to discern which area we can improve. Really appreciate her for including christian values in the videos!
Sometimes we need to acknowledge that an outside force did impact us greatly and held us back. Then after that is acknowledged may be it's easier to move forward Thanks I love your videos and listen to them I think they help a lot of people
"Check yo self before you wreck yo self"
A true virtue for life
Thank you Emma, I relate to all your therapy nuts and will definitely store this one. I am having a bout of depression/anxiety and am really starting to see my part to play. It is so confronting to be learning to take responsibility for myself at 57.. Like my lMum used to say “ never to old to learn”. She passed away last year and I miss her and her pearls of wisdom. She would have liked you Emma xx
This is me! I'm a pro at creating more drama!
Thank you for helping me confront my own destructive habits.
Something developed through childhood and living in survival. Reinforcing the feeling of learned helplessness and I am working on breaking free from it all. I am not helpless I am capable.
Emma, I think this is a key, underrated topic, and needs to be talked about more. Thanks for sharing
I realized at an early age my competitive well educated parents instilled a sense of high anxiety and stress so much so that as I progressed through life I found myself constantly in a, “Fight or Flight” pose and no matter what I did I could not control my breathing muscle tightness that came with it .The one and only thing the would instantly calm me was this song, Calling All Angels and giving it to God as you have professed prayer, showing humility for what I have not what I don’t
I think I used to take responsabilities for everybody, was over empathic with people that hurt me tried and trie to keep positive and good. At some point during last year I just lost it, I became angry, bitter, no more empathy, blaming everybody. I was done with taking responsibility for horrible people's stuff It's like I've gone from one extreme to the next. I want to learn to be okay again, but it seems unreachable. People have hurt me so much. They hurt me with their hurt and trauma too. I hope I can find a way to be at peace and find people beautiful again.
I hope my experience can help somebody out there. Until I learned to redirect my thoughts, I couldn’t find peace.
Quitting smoking saved my life in so many ways. I had to learn to stop obsessing and redirect my thoughts to where I wanted them to go. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do, but it was also remarkably empowering. I took control of my life.
I can decide how much time I will invest experiencing a negative feeling. Then I walk.
I don’t even know how I survived life before I learned how to do this. I’m peaceful, balanced, I invest emotionally to situations that are healthy for me, I keep away toxic folks, other people’s actions affect my day only to the extent that I allow it to, and it’s usually very little.
Nothing is more powerful and life altering than self control.
Even if you do take responsibility it doesn't make the pain go away
exactly and its so hard to change for the better I want too and I recognize what I do is wrong but it’s still the same thing even tho it does get better at times but I always end up failing :(
But we give up victimhood when we take responsibility
True
I feel you, it doesnt, but if you dont shame yourself and get out victim mindset its a different kind of pain and you can do it
@@leonelamartinez463 I feel the same way...but try not to shame yourself
Here's a thought...
Friend: I need to talk to you about something.
Rose: Is everything OK?
Friend: I'm going through a rough time and I'd like to run things by you.
Rose: I'll be there for you.
Result: No angst, no drama, no worrying about what the friend wanted to talk about.
The cause of this result in my scenario: The friend ~THOUGHT AHEAD~ and didn't want her friend Rose to have to speculate as to what the problem was. It was only natural for Rose to be worried after receiving such limited information. Good, clear communication and thinking ahead makes life a lot smoother, both for us and for our friends.
That is a perfect example of how we can communicate better to avoud the assumptions. in an ideal world with clear communication. Unfortunately communication doesn't always end up with clear questions and responses , and our minds can run off especially if we are unable to real ourselves back in.
I agree with this!
I agree with you although her story was an illustration of how how thoughts and imaginations can get out of control if we suffer from anxious thinking.
Your videos have been a great resource to my wife and myself. Just wanted to say thanks and give you encouragement to continue.
I really, really, really like this concept. I tried two different psychotherapies already and I think this strikes me to be the most useful and easy to understand concept of what I've heard so far.
I'll have a closer look at my life and see where I have dirty pain and where I avoid taking responsibility!
Thank you so much for making these videos.
I am so grateful that I found this series. It helps so much as I am now coming to an end in therapy. It makes me realize how far I've come and reminds me of a lot of techniques we did, but I still learn something new in every video. Thanks for helping me in this learning process :)
that's great!
the analogy you used with mike at work was so similar to a situation i myself faced at a previous job...right down to my boss threatening to fire me over things i couldn't control. back then i was in a pretty bad place mentally, and that situation caused me to spiral way more out of control. looking back now, my boss might've been a shithead, but a lot of the suffering i experienced was my own cognitive distortions and lack of self-confidence. i'm in a much better place now, thanks to lifestyle changes and videos like this that teach me about ways to improve my mental health. thank you ❤
I can really relate to your story.
I'm glad there's hope again & healing.
😇
Thank you so much, Emma! for sharing all this information. OMG! All this is an eye opener. Last night, when I was working on the assignment for the previous video, I wrote down the incident & all that my mind was thinking & feeling, how, why, & etc., etc., then I also wrote down why the other person might have behaved the way she did. All this writing took me a while but at the end, when I read the entire thing, I started feeling light weight, as if all the burden was lifted off of my shoulders, neck & back of the head. I actually, started feeling compassionate towards that person who offended me. She is genuinely going thru' a rough time in her life. She has no support from anywhere else except me. That's why, she shares everything with me and also shows her emotions. I have to learn to be patient & more understanding.
Writing down the whole situation, helped me to understand & analyze the situation in far better way.
-- Once again, please accept my gratitude that is coming from the bottom of my heart, Emma.
This is exactly what i need. I realized it's at the heart of my anxiety but im having a hard time implementing and maintaining healthier thought patterns. Thank you for this video. You're brilliant!
Please can you do a video on breaking from negative relationship cycles e.g. when you see someone you love being unhealthy, then argue in frustration and worry, then result in taking it out on yourself by letting the situation impact your own health and happiness
Thank you so much Emma for this video. I am going through the same situation as Mike and am going through terrible emotions. I can now start thinking clearly after watching this.
Been struggling to deal with a 'mike' situation of my own, and the aftermath. One year on, left work, and still working through all of the scenarios you so eloquently depict. This is helping me to crystallise what I need to do.
This is me everyday since my last set of stroke symptoms. I’m here to learn a new way to live.
I m amazed and happily shocked having such a great therapist on youtube ❤️
r u for real? This is a joke
So awesome and clear! I wish I had this video/info 20 years ago :)
I was diagnosed with major depression last February. This video surely helped me and my thinking. Thanks a lot Ms. Emma. You are helping us a LOT. Thank you thank you thank you.
Coming across this channel was one of the best things that happened to me in 2021 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌. Thank you
I make my pain worse whenever I'm struggling to do something I really don't want to do. It takes every ounce of my being to get through it. It's hard to suppress the thought, "I'm done." That's when my emotions get the better of me.
I absolutely needed this thank you ❤️..I was not that long ago so mentally screwed up that clean pain dirty pain it didn't matter...I didn't want any part of it and would shut down, dissociate and run the other direction. It prevented me from being supportive emotionally for the people who I cared about and it also kept me from being truly supportive of myself.. The same thing can be said for accountability.. Anytime I would seek counsel from my adopted mother about a problem she would find a way to completely disempower me by pointing out all the things that i couldn't do to resolve my problem then ask me "so what are you going to do about it?" So owning what is us disowning what isn't and eliminating ways we re traumatize ourselves is for me very valuable. And I think is the core of why I feel so stuck in victim mentality and procrastinating taking the initiative and action to resolve my problems instead of avoiding them. Thank you so very much for this reframing of thoughts❤
This video is A1 incredible. Its so very very on point. I'm amazed at how well you're getting every point across. I'm new here and I am so happy that I'm doing my best to get out of the cycle of experiencing dirty pain. I used to experience a lot of that and I think it ruined my teenage years (like half of it) but I'm grateful for the awareness now and I'm doing so much better. Definitely subscribed can't wait to learn more!
Unbelievable after having suffered so much! Thank you and never again, it’s time! what’s done is done what will happen will be as I want it now.
I 90% of the time create my own emotional or mental pain.
So glad my therapist recommended this page.
This video really opened my eyes. Praying for more clarity as I navigate my complicated relationship. This definitely helped me assess my responsibilities and what is in my control and what is not. Thanks so much❤
Love this emma.When I started watching the video, I was experiencing uncomfortable emotions but for the first time in 3 years of my anxiety journey, i sat with it rather than trying to make it go away and it helped. You have literally became my hope now.
This brought clarity to grief having to put a terminally ill pet down. Thanks to both of you.
I love the stories you use to illustrate the concepts! This is quality content. Thank you for creating it and sharing it with us all for free.
You came at the right time. I really needed this video. Thank you 🙏🏽
Thank you for all that you do for others through this media💞Great Amazing Authentic, Real Simple🥰
This is so huge, and so clearly and non-judgementally explained!!! Thank you Emma for such amazing and insightful videos. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you. You are an answered prayer for so many people including me!
I like your straight talking and you bring new and helpful information which is helping me to change.
awesome!
You are a blessing. I was wallowing but at the end of the video I felt relieved.
For me this video is so incredibly useful, as I am going through a very difficult time in my life now and I realized that it is so difficult, because it's not just the problem that is bothering me, but my mind which keeps sabotaging my feelings and hence my decisions, that it is leading me towards more confusion and passiveness rather than clarity and action. After watching this video I just realized how much dirty pain I was inflicting upon myself, making the entire situation miserable and harder to deal with. It's always easy to focus on blaming different parties for a problem rather than taking action to fix it, but if we want to live our lives with happier hearts and calmer minds, there's no easy route to achieve it. Thank you so much for existing on this platform!
Amazingly explained. We truly need to distinguish between the two! Thank you! ❤
Thanks for your wonderful work. Its helping me a lot . From Brazil ❤️
Your messages so very helpful. I hope people with depression and anxiety will listen to this
B1 deficiency causes anxiety and negative thought loops. Coffee depletes B1, so many are probably dealing with it. Supplementing changed my life. You get relief within minutes.
I see my biggest issue for self inflicted misery being that I am lonely and being in a self induced mood gives me a reason to want people to care.
That's right where I am at the moment. A loss has created a void in my life and I am desperate to fill it and struggling with how to get kindred spirits in my solitary life.
Thank you so much. I feel you have helped me in many ways face to face personal therapists have not. So grateful I came across your channel. 🤘👍🙏
These videos that you share are extremely helpful. I am grateful that you take out the time to provide free counseling online for those of us who financially can't always afford it. Thank you!
Thank you SO MUCH for your course and your generosity in sharing this extremely valuable knowledge and wisdon. You are the *most* informative mental health youtuber in my experience and the most practical and helpful for me. Thank you!
Thanks Natalie, I'm trying to share actionable skills
Thank _you_! God bless you 💜
I had a boss that wouldn’t say anything more on a voicemail than a, “We need to talk.” Always stressed me out because he never gives any hint of what the topic is about and how I can prepare. I’m technically creating my own suffering but as a supervisor myself, I never do this to people who work for me.
Emma, this was a very insightful video! The way you put complex behavior into 'bite size bits' is quite impressive! Quite a gift you've got! Thanks for sharing! 💕🙏
Everything she said is 100% correct, but I would like to add something: It is valuable to be able to recognize these emotions when you feel them. You should try to nurture a habitual reaction to them, where you set a timer for 5 minutes, close your eyes, and focus on nothing else except deep breathing. Count to 3 as you inhale, count to 5 as you exhale. I promise you will feel better after those 5 minutes. Then you will have the clarity for better processing and reflection.
That's a man
Understanding the problem is the first part of being able to fix it !
yes...sometimes :) often
For sure.... Probably 😁
@@TherapyinaNutshell how can you solve it without understanding?
Always amazing advice. Prayers for your baby. Love from Australia.
great video! Its funny how many times we need to hear this before it sinks in and creates a mass change in society. Minds are so fascinating.
i feel like figuring out the difference between clean and dirty pain is a lifetime's work...when you get that down, you truly have the "wisdom to know the difference"...good luck everyone!
Brilliant reminder for everyday life! I know people who tend to blame everyone else but themselves for their own suffering. It's heartbreaking to watch this pattern repeat itself, year after year, without any breakthrough. Perhaps it's the lack of self-awareness. Or humility to look within ourselves as @ Alex Boorman suggested. 👍
Totally get you
Or maybe they've done both already, know that they're part of the problem but don't have the money or resources to deal with their issues so they'll never make breakthroughs. No amount of proper diet, positive thinking, or exercise will replace proper medication and therapy. I've known amazing athletes with their whole lives ahead of them commit suicide.
5 mins in and im sold!! My new significant other told me a couple yrs ago that I create my own issues. Naturally, I was offended and got defensive. After some reflection I realized he was right! I’m been trying to find a way to redirect it and then this video pops up!!!!!!
Thanks for the video!
You're welcome!
Wow! Very powerful message!! We create our own suffering... very true!
This message gives hope for change!
Thank you!
You went right to my pain. Needed this today.
Watching this series a second time and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Thank you for providing such clear, actionable, and compassionate information and wisdom.
You’re so amazing. I love you so much. You’re so helpful!
I'm so glad yo find it helpful
I work on myself to get better in this area but everytime i feel anxious or deppressed it's always right, and what makes it worse is that more than half of my recent days are those negative assumptions coming to life. I have no hope left.
Not everything we do causes Anxiety for us. Sometimes people give us Anxiety as well.
Brilliant! Thank you so much for caring about all of us viewers. This is world changing wisdom for those that take it to head/heart.
You are doing a great job,,, love from Pakistan
thanks Ali
Knowing and having the ability to change are two different things.
Thank you this was exactly what I needed to hear right now
I love to watch your videos at night before sleep. And this video has the background music sound SO RELAXING, OMG! thank you
You are saving my sanity. Seriously.