“Do not expect what you cannot communicate” I honestly forgot where i heard or read this from, but havent forgotten it since and im glad this is so well elaborated here
@@TMinusRecords To some extent, but my cynical ass thinks that it is completely valid to be distrustful of randoms nowadays. I think a lot of unhealthy attitudes are pushed onto people to be negative influences rather than positive ones. You don't want to restrict your ability to trust to the point where you end up preventing yourself from building meaningful relationships, but trust is something that can be taken advantage of.
I think maybe theres also something to be said about passive distrust (the lack of trust) vs active distrust (the presence of mistrust). The first is like a place of neutrality, we can approach trusting people with an open mind, knowing they could let us down or they could support us and we can prepare for both cases. I think this is a "good" kind of "distrust" (good meaning a healthy balance of survival tactics thats also not necessarily self sabotaging). The second type of distrust is a more unhealthy approach I think, because once we mistrust people it makes it extremely difficult to allow that state of openness to build more trust. This puts "undo" strain on relationships where both people are having to work harder than is necessary to get to a healthy type of attachment (I say undo because if we take a trauma informed approach, we realize that this strain was learned as a very smart survival mechanism that weeds out people who could potentially harm us). Idk just my 2cents
Reminds me of people who tell people suffering with loneliness and difficulty making friends to just go out there at make some friends. That or "learn to love yourself."
Honestly its kind of that simple. Really the skill to develop is self-confidence, resiliency and agency to deal with the times your trust is 'broken.' This honestly occurs less than you probably imagine and for people who are actually untrustworthy, thats when you have the ability to leave. I feel like many people have this story book notion of trust being either absolute or non-existent, with no inbetween. Humans make mistakes, act in poor ways from time to time etc... Like any skill, it takes practice and some people will be better than others but its not something thats really that dramatic to accomplish.
This is literally me at age 30. I'm not trusting, yet resilient and introspective as hell. I'm crushing life, yet alone. Looking forward to watching the rest of this vid. I don't trust new people I date, and struggle to recognize when to ask for help from people. Even with my new job.
Both of you sound like you are mentally struggling really hard. I felt a similar way ten years ago. I went to therapy and it helped more than you know. The other thing I would recommend is find one person you meet and like and then focus on developing communication and listening and empathy. I would not suggest a romantic interest but a friend. The idea is to focus on building vulnerability with one person (this could also be a parent or a family member, btw) which you can translate into vulnerability with others.
Same here, except I don't trust pretty much anyone after too many let downs. Dr. K talks about having expectations, but sometimes it is something so basic, it is just ridiculous. For example, when they themselves offer you help and then let you down, not because of bad luck or skill, but because of half-arse effort. Yeah, trust people!
My problems with trust come from my home and school where i was bullied plus toxic home environment. It's the sadistic malice that lives in the human mind that makes hard to trust people that you don't know.
"chances are it's completely off base" Actually after years of searching and talking to therapists and psychiatrists, you just nailed my issues on the head in one video. Every time I watch your videos you help me in ways other professionals have failed to.
Sometimes there's no people willing to help, care or support you in the first place. And sometimes you communicate your expectations, but people just don't fulfill them.
I understand the difference between trust as an action and trust as a state through the "trust fall". You may choose to fall because you trust that someone will catch you. I fall because falling doesn't hurt that much anyway.
"I'm kind, I'm emotionally open, I respect and love women that's why you can't go out with anyone else because you need to go treasured and cared for. I'm going to put you on a pedestal and place really unrealistic expectations based on the scaring my mother did to me about what love is. I'm going to put all those expectations on you and I'll expect you to navigate them without ever telling you about them. Since I don't know how to communicate, I'm going to hold you to standards and when you don't meet those standards I'll get passive aggressive. (...) I don't actually admit my faults and I blame it on you because that is what my mother did to me." OMG this is TOO REAL 💀💀💀
Shit, that was my last relationship. I ended up dating a mini version of my mom and it was terrible but made me realize all these things. Love is not what i was taught at home by my severely emotionally damaged family, and that relationship made me realize i grew up with twisted thoughts about deserving love and affection. Too bad it also made me realize 98% of my life is fucked beyond control due to that, but im already working on it. Self awareness and internal growth is the key, but its too hard to trust others now due to my own issues. I hope the things never happen again, i dont want to hurt anybody or myself due to ignorance
It’s like at least the “bad boy” is pretty direct often. Plus for all those who grew up in scarcity those sorts of cues attract those women more on a limbic level. Plus look up chemosignals around fear, aggression, sexual arousal, and dominance. It’s kinda interesting. We don’t have good language for unconcious olfactory signals.
I remember an "African proverb" that I'm gonna paraphrase because I can't find it now. It was something like "One does not love another if one can't accept a gift from them." When I first heard it I was thinking of only material gifts, but now I realize it probably meant accepting any kind gesture. And I don't think it was literal, but more a way to suggest that you should accept kindness from the people you love.
i used to get upset when my partner didnt help me with certain things around the house. he has adhd and issues with executive disfunction and object permanence. i thought he was lazy and expected me to do everything. so i did what u said here, i asked him for help. and he absolutely doesnt hesitate to get up and help me with chores. he just needs direction. so now i tell him what i need help with, we split up the chores. i let him pick what he wants to do that day and i give him a list of steps on how to complete the task. and he does it with no issue. hes always happy to help. and we got past that hurdle fairly quickly because... wild concept, we communicated to each other our expectations and feelings, and how our brains work around those expectations and feelings!!! amazing. we recently had some other issues building up, so we sat down and had a few honest chats about it and now things r honestly better than ever. dont look for perfection. dont look for someone who can check off every box on ur list of what makes a perfect partner. its not worth the stress. just find someone who cares about you enough to comminicate and work on the relationship with you. someone who genuinely does what they can to make you happy, and someone who makes you wanna do the same for them. :)
Really thank you for this one Dr. K . These past few months I’ve been struggling with my self-esteem and I realize that a lot of it is because of my mistrust in others and myself. I guess I don’t like my personality very much. I think I’m very bland and just a generally bad person. In the past few months I’ve learned to open up more and to be more authentic around some people. And that’s allowed me to develop some really nice relationships. But then I have this messed up voice in my head telling me how wrong this all is. I think I find it very weird that these people even like being around me. And then that makes me anxious thinking that I’m gonna do something to push them away and that’s gonna leave me left alone. It’s a very weird thought process tbh. But I think this video has been very informative. I’m honestly considering therapy now at this point because with each passing day I’m learning I’m way more messed up than I thought lmaooo.
man, i'm in the exact scenario you're in rn, and i'm going for therapy to help myself deal with it (amongst many other issues). i'd recommend that you consider doing likewise. stay strong man, we got this.
There's actually a quote i've kept with me, believe it or not, since I was about 10 years old (25 now): "Trust everyone, just don't trust the devil inside of them." Kind of molded my own meaning to it. That being said, I feel like I can "just trust people" very easily. So weird though, now that i'm thinking about it, you really can't give a for sure definition to trust, can you? It's a weird state of mind that could be akin to confidence or faith, but even those words have clear definitions. I guess the best way i'd put it is a state of open-mindedness towards the actions of another person and being confident that they won't take advantage of or betray you.
Thank you so much for this Dr.K. This video helped me crystallize some frustrations I've had with myself. It's not so much that I can't accept help. I am eager to accept the help. But I'm a total noob at communicating my expectations and need for help. I hide my need for help while expecting other people to see it. I put all my points in emotional stealth and then resent others for not being able to roll a high enough emotional perception to bring me out of hiding. An epiphany has been had.
I had a best friend I've known for over a decade where we trusted each other and promised to always support each other no matter what. And recently, they threw me out of their life and blocked me, so needless to say I have SERIOUS trust issues nowadays.
Oh fuck man... thats absolutly horrible. I would totaly feel the same, just please keep in mind to not put every person under the same head. Stay strong friend
I had a very similar situation but ur circumstance is way worse. I was friends with someone for 3 years and she was my best friend until she backstabbed me, lied to me for months, blocked me on every app, and got our friend group to stop talking to me. I have huge trust issues because of her but I cannot comprehend what ur feeling because u known that person for a decade
@@anthonyargueta131 I had some of those happen too, specifically being blocked everywhere and losing all the friends I made through that friend, a few of which I also knew for over a decade. I even dated that friend before, which only made it hurt worse and more confusing. I hope things get better for you.
@@NonEmployee it's been a few years since it happened to me and while I am over her and my friend group, the trust issues definitely still linger immensely. I wish u all the best friend.
That did resonate well... I can't just trust people on intimate level (even as friends I don't like to talk about my things or thoughts, though I will listen to them and try to help if I can). And on romantic level I want a person to show all that they care and like you mentioned for them to show they will break through even if I'm somewhat not open, and I just feel no one's gonna so I don't care about it and I just focus on my day to day life but keeping the door closed does suck, it's great to see that I find part of myself on various videos and posts you discuss over.
To quote a Linkin Park song, "when the paper's crumpled up it can't be perfect again". That's pretty much how I feel about trust with people; you do something "sus" or outright betray me just a couple of times, and it'll make me at least a little wary of you pretty much forever.
Loved this! I struggle with trust so much and never ever did anyone acknowledge that its not something you can just choose to do on a wednesday afternoon. Its a process. Thank you.
Interesting that the advice is "communicate". I had a relationship. I was communicating. I was always blamed for everything. I was blamed for making everything about me when all I was doing is communicating my observations and perspective. I was respectful of boundaries. Then I was blamed for being respectful of boundaries. Turns out when people tell you they need time you're supposed to keep pestering them to show you care (???). I don't know. I still think communication is key but it's super painful being blamed for communicating. Apparently logic and communication means fuck all compared to feelings. Who knew.
You'll grow closer in relationships if you have confidence in them. Just as true it is that you'll grow distant in relationships the more you doubt them. We all know how empowering it can feel to be trusted and how crushing it can feel to be doubted and those we interact with will feel the similarly. It can be scary to have confidence in others, because you could be taken advantage of but that is down to them, not you. Our only choice is to trust or not; To have confidence or doubt and as Dr K states, trust itself is not an action but we can choose to see through the perspective of trust.
That's the thing that sucks so much. If all your previous relationships have ended with the other person being untrustworthy, it becomes harder every single time afterwards to suspend your disbelief.
I’m sure some people will get to where you are but everything is still redeemable! Just keep watching Dr K videos and implement his ideas slowly but surely, and hopefully everything starts to get better. Good luck in trusting :D
24:06 Stuff like this is why I hate online/modern dating. Mind games and unspoken rules are some of my biggest pet peeves. Also, I genuinely cannot fathom those guys that send women pics of their dong before literally saying anything.
@@femme_fatalist I imagine that it can get very frustrating, especially when the ratio with men and women is so unbalanced anyways. Plus there's the whole thing about bad apples ruining the bunch, and online dating relying on a very skewed, narrow perspective of people.
At the beginning of 9th grade, I used to sit at a lunch table where there were a lot of upper classmen. One day I stayed after school for a club, and a random student asked if I was on Facebook. I was not, and thought he had just confused me with someone else. The next day, other classmates told me they saw I was on Facebook. The profile pic was me, reading a book at that table. The photo and profile had been done without my knowledge, and although we were eventually able to get it taken down, I have never been able to come back from that betrayal. For the rest of highschool, I almost never sat in the lunchroom ever again. Instead choosing to sit in a secluded corridor. It was chilly in the winter and uncomfortable, but peaceful. And it was one of the few places where you could get on an internet hotspot. I recount it now with laughter, but I still find it difficult to trust people in situations where a normal person would consider to be a friend.
This is me 100%. Only like 6 months ago thanks to visit at psychologist I noticed that it is a problem. I still don't trust and probably never will, but at least I learnt to ask questions when I'm unsure about something, which changed a lot. Turns out, people are actually eager to help, just like I am, all I have to do is ask them. But setting up expectations is something I still struggle with. For example I am always on time and would expect you to be on time as well, buy some people tend to be always late. But I don't want to come up as demanding prick.
I had a narcissistic friend who was like this, I didn't realize they were manipulating me, but they told me they wanted to change. I said much of the same as the video says to them. But they wouldn't accept help. I wish I didn't try to help people so much. I communicated my expectations, and was still disappointed. I'm afraid that by communicating my expectations, and my thoughts it just pushes people away and makes me come across as a know-it-all jerk.
I can relate to this. It sucks when you're just trying to do right by the other person by communicating clearly, respectfully, and directly with them, only to be met with hostility and defensiveness (accusations of "picking fights all the time" and being "difficult"; the infamous, "wHy CaN't YoU jUsT eNjOy ThE rELaTiOnShIp aNd sWeEp EvErYtHiNg UnDeR tHe RuG LiKe Me??", etc.). 🙄 You're just as important as the other person in the equation, and you are NOT wrong for communicating your thoughts and feelings. If the other person can't handle that, then that says more about them, regardless of how they might try to project their ambivalence onto you. So fuck 'em. 😎 You can't work with someone who's intent on misunderstanding you at every turn. 100% their loss. As for you: let the trash take itself out, and wave as it slinks by through that door. 😁🌻🥂💐✌🏻 Take care! ✨🕊️
god that nice guy thing is too real and why i have such a hard time making male friends. im like ok cool we are friends! but then inevitably it gets to them saying sexist shit, or asking you out and being really weird about it when you say no as if your entire friendship at that point was just like. some weird visual novel and this is bad end so i guess you can't hang out anymore. weird shit!!
Everyone has to realize you can't be truly at peace or even have truly healthy relationship without trust. I had failed to realize that, and my action had cost me a chance to be married and have a family that I ever wanted. And I have realized it isn't the end, I just have to get both patience and trust in order to reach my goal.
That's the one that describes me to a point. But I'm working on it, and luckily have some trusted friends, that know to just help me, without even asking.
My issue is that I trust people, we build a really great friendship over the years, and things are great. Then they bury a dagger in my back go "Oopsies ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" and then refuse to apologize. When I was younger I could handle it better, but I'm 35 now. I'm sick of dealing with this. My mother chased a drug habit, my father's approval was only conditional, my brother steals from me, and every friend I make eventually fucks me over. At this point I can't NOT consider myself the common denominator, y'know? I can't control them, but I CAN control who I'm vulnerable to. Which, I mean obviously I'm a shit judge of character, so all I can do is never be vulnerable again.
At 36, I absolutely feel you. Building discernment is HARD, but it's easier with people who are trustworthy...the kind of people who wouldn't be able to function if they WEREN'T acting trustworthy. I think you're right on the common denominator, tho I don't mean fault by that, more that you know the biggest changes come from yourself, the most strength. I believe it is possible to learn discernment, protect yourself, AND be vulnerable. Maybe I'm a sentimental fool, but I feel we all need to opportunity to be vulnerable sometimes, if only to function at our best. Whenever we have a history of people screwing us over, it's super hard. The right people are out there, but it seems like you can get a lot of value from being really good to yourself, and allowing yourself that vulnerability. When you can be confident enough in yourself that opening up isn't quite as painful, those little moments of vulnerability you can share with others shine brighter in gratitude than ever before. It's so worth it. Personally, I refuse to cut myself off from meaningful experiences because of the people who hurt and betrayed me to the core. They don't get to decide how deep my heart goes. The hits keep coming, I keep getting hurt, but I expect interpersonal failure 96% of the time (Pareto principle x Drake equation), and I refuse to let them hurt me so much I miss out of the potential of meeting that 4% who can actually offer the good stuff.
@@UnexpectedAmy Yeah I don't have the emotional bandwidth anymore to gamble against 96% odds. I'll take the burn out and the loneliness. At least then I know what to expect.
@@Dimitris_Half See, I gave you the benefit of the doubt there, and trusted that you weren't going to pull a "Maybe it's your fault everyone mistreats you", but then you went ahead and did it anyway. That'll learn me about responding to comments.
Aaaah man I love these videos. I know I have some long lasting issues with communication stemming from childhood, and the introversion in me doesn't really help, but I'm glad to say that I don't fear confrontation and talking in stores much anymore lol. The hardest thing for me that I'm learning to undo is my anxiety and fear of asking or taking action on what I want.
Quotes: The entire video. I wanted to write down the usual quotes from Dr. K, but just following his words and taking a look at the chapters he created is about enoguh for today. I love the topic of trust, it's at the very core of what I try to be, and Dr. K gave that topic a very good overview in 30 minutes. Thank you.
I feel like trust is kinda like a currency. Like, you can spend trust by disappointing people, but once you are in debt, good luck paying that back. Meanwhile if you have a lot of it built up, it kinda just keeps giving you some interest on that.
After being stabbed in the back several times by people close to me some time ago, I decided to relook at the people in my life. So now the only people in my life are the people who care about me and who I care about.
The only way to accept help as a victim of ongoing abuse is to use people for your ends, because once you realise what you been through you understand that you don't need help anyway, so asking for help becomes for of deciebing and manipulation, looking for a therapist and trying to reach out for understanding is another story ❤
Dr. K your new camera set up has a very low depth of field so you're often out of focus. You might need to change the aperture so that the depth of field is bigger. Basically at the moment you are out of focus if you lean back and in-focus if you lean forwards. You could swap it, but it'd still be an issue for the opposite reasons. At such a low aperture the depth of field is very shallow. A higher aperture should fix that. Also great video, thank you again for all your help.
Do do feel similarly to this "hyper-independent" topic, however for a very different cause that I see no solution about. In my case feel I am the one who has to do everything, but not because I have the power or anything, simply put nobody else has shown me they are actually capable of doing what I need. It takes me a lot to trust, and I feel uncomfortable asking for help, but I certainly do. Because I think the opposite, many stuff its "Imposible/too hard for me", "I'll get burn out if I do" and the like, so I try seeing if anybody can help with it. The answer usually is always a no, and I have to do it myself as always. Given this, I find that there are spots where I simply have to "damage boost" before asking anybody for help because it would come with a drawback. As an example, just last week I finished the final project of my degree, and I was told I could do it with a partner, but in the end I did 85% of it all on my own. One would expect to split the project on as even parts as posible, but I could not allow it. "If only 1 out of 5 people are able to do this part correctly, I canno't allow the risk of them trying. If they try and fail, we both sink in the end". Thus .. even though I know I will get the burn, I rather do that than having to spend one more year to get my degree. Because you know, we only had a determined time to do it all. At least in this situation I got some help, for as little as it was it is still something. But other times that is not the case. I feel I cannot trust because I'm constantly shown that other people simply can't do it themselves. It makes it hard to bother asking in the first place when I know in the end its still going to be me doing the thing and I only lost energy asking
This is exactly how i feel, and the fact that teachers kept pushing me to ask for help, only to then waste time by repeating what they told in front of the whole class didn't help that either.
Venting: In reality I’m scared of asking for help or talking with someone. I feel an insane amount of guilt afterwards, if I let anything out. Trusting anyone feels very, very far away. Every time I’ve trusted someone for real, it all turns to shit. I’ve been taught to stf and just do things without bothering anyone. To man up and stop wining when faced with problems. I once told my mom I felt like shit. I got locked up in my room to study for 10h/per day, eating for 2h and working out for 1h. With checkups every 30 min or so. You can say that I now shut up when something is bothering me. I feel like I can’t even trust my friends to be my friends. The only way I’m not worried is if I can bring some kind of equivalent exchange. Which also feels insane… The wry thing is that I’m a person who generally feels very very happy when I feel needed and appreciated. Do I trust myself?… not really.
it's truly dificult to trust other people. be kind to yourself, do what you think you can do step by step. I'd say it's easiest to start with learning to trust yourself. After all, the only one who has any agency over you is you. the unknown of other people may be overwhelming but you can change things within yourself, by yourself. because even if you aim to trust other people, if you don't trust yourself then that's gonna make it x1000 times harder.
Trust is not something you do. Trust is something you feel. That feeling or that state of confidence in someone has to be achieved over time, or earned! All the people in the world who had been betrayed did one thing in common - they JUST TRUSTed someone. Trust can kill you because that's exactly how serial killers and criminals find their victims. The sad fact of reality is that betrayal thrives on "just trust"(blind trust). Love and friendship thrives on earned/achieved trust.
Well. Some of us are betrayed by our parents who we are programed to trust before we know any better and who we have to trust for our own survival. Some of us are betrayed by a friend or spouse of many years who we thought did earn the trust. It makes the betrayal much worse, but more of a betrayal trauma. You can't live your life prepared for the worst case scenario from everyone. That's no way to live.
Trust is easier around trustworthy people. Some people can't live with themselves when they do wrong by others, to some people trust is too vital to mess with. They are a rare breed, but they can help you see trust also exists outside yourself. If someone is inherently trustworthy and you can't extend a level of trust, the issue is within you. It can be solved with discernment and a little risk. Trust is trusting trustworthy people around other trusting trustworthy people. We are half of that :)
A bit hard to tell me to JuSt TrUst pEopLe when every person i knew past this year backstabbed me in one way or another,doable but with a bit of luck and the right people
The worst thing a person can do after acknowledging this is forgetting the peiple responsible. Society has pushed the family card so hard that even after a lifetime of abuse, we still expect them to magically match the narrative.
He said not to gender his examples, but let's be real here: most straight men aren't complaining when a woman asks him out and then asks where he wants to go, or simply says she'd like to go to a certain place with him. They're just happy a woman liked them enough to take strong initiative. Likewise, women aren't typically sending unsolicited sexual photos to men on apps or through texts within hours of "matching" them. Really, the stereotypes exist for a reason, and I think it's okay to "gender" them if it means calling out certain groups for the way they behave. We all like to call out men as a group for their bad behavior, I don't see why we can't do the same with women and have to walk it back and make it neutral by proclaiming "everyone is bad lol". Anyways, my two cents, still a great video.
I think what he means is that not communicating expectation is not gender things. However I agree that common mistakes and common patterns are different. But when we talk about expectation communication I think it’s unproductive to focus on some specific behavior. We can have time evaluate those specific pattern later.
All the world needs to see this video, the part about communication is really at the core of a lot of problemes in our sociaty at the moment and the over all content is really intresting. Thank you dr K
Didn't work out for me. I communicated to my ex and she said she didn't have time for me, but still expected me to be there for her. Communicating only helps if the other person wants a reciprocal relationship.
That really sucks, but I feel like it did work out for you in the sense that you both learned what’s expected in the relationship. It just sucks that those expectations were not a good fit.
@@TheInvader500 It's true in that sense. I just meant that most of us are not "hyper-independent" if there actually is no one there for us. We have to go it alone either way; the choice is how much charity we're comfortable giving.
@@superlazyguy00 I'm sorry that you had to go through that. this might be a one off but it might be valuable to assess how you make connections, like what you look for, what kind of people you gravitate towards, if you find you're really alone. it's difficult and can be slow, but pretty much anyone can build good connections and a support system given they're making friends with a least some of the right people.
@@superlazyguy00 I feel you brother, what helped me become more independent of having a girlfriend was metta meditations, I've learned to like myself more (selflove) which made me happier being alone and so much less desperate.
first part helped a lot, i dont have a partner so the rest just lost me, and the expectation that other people would want to help you just because they want or they like you enough just feels as wrong as asking for help, but other than that this was super helpful!!!
I like my hyper independence. After a life of anxiety of trying to fit in and be more mainstream failing and being stressed about it, I am the best I've ever been.
The only thing you trust is that nothing is reliable, everything breaks, and betrayal is a matter of time, and it does NOT matter if it is people, machines, or nature. The law of entropy guarantees this. Any time you try to insist on something especially if you try to impose it on other people, you trying to impose order and disorder will always counter you.
“You don’t have to go out there and just blindly practicing trust, I mean you can but I’m not advocating that”. I mean it would kinda be something like a men shed where people where paired up across 3 weeks and they gradually do that
18:00 Ok, so what about when someone has lied to you in the past? Do you just say "Hey, I'm having a hard time believing you because these things aren't lining up and you've lied in the past?" Because that seems like it not only puts them in a defensive state, but also gives them all they need to fabricate another lie if they so choose. So how do you interact with someone you don't trust without being a jerk and allowing them to rebuild trust? Another question I had was "how much should you trust/when to give more trust?" But I guess since trusting isn't something you do, its not really something you choose to give, its a measure of how much you give. Meaning, its not a "if you do this, ill give you more trust" but rather "over time I have trusted you more". Kinda like being comfortable around someone. You cant really say "Ill be this comfortable if you do this", but you can say "I am very comfortable" or "I would be more comfortable if you did this"
Trust is natural, now that you're hurt its hard to see that. Just don't get stuck thinking nobody is worth trusting, try to think of ways you'd like to be trusted as well
I wqs also abusd, and i just accepted the fact that I'll probably never really trust anyone because I've seen ugly side of more people than i ever planned... Its not easy, but i just don't have it in me to go through traumatic r Relationship again ❤
While i love to help expecting nothing in return but i have grown to realize that not everyone deserves my help, my time or all of my effort, i also absolutely hate being helped because i don't always know the motives of other people when they try to help me since the first thing that comes to my mind when i have to ask for help is, what is that person gonna demand from me if i ask for help, how are they gonna try to take advantage of me and will i be able to say no? I mean of course i can say no, but then they can go about and spread false information about what an asshole they think i am for not reciprocating regardless of context and since most people out there are absolute trash in that department meaning, mostly, they will take as truth what they hear the first time and nothing else really matters, and even though i don't care about opinions emotionally, i always can't help but wonder how that will affect me in the practical level and when i do, i just don't accept help, i don't like to waste other people's time when i am extremely capable of accomplishing most of the things in my life on my own, why would i try to act like i am dependent on them and look like a weakling, hell no. Since i don't need help most of the time and i love being alone and almost never feel lonely and even if i do it's not significant in terms of intensity + it last for a very short amount of time, especially since i can power through as if it was nothing, why would i wanna ask for help when people are so shitty all the time? (rhetorical question)
Maybe I don't actually trust anyone anymore, but at least I act as though I do, because that seems the polite thing to do. Also it seems like a gamble that is worth it. Most of the time it works out, occasionally it doesn't, well, no matter, lick your wounds and continue, the times that it does work, which are the majority of instances, make up for the times it doesn't.
Oof thanks for this video, I really need to watch it and introspect, as I am having trouble trusting ever since my fiancée broke with me, I hope to trust someone again as much as I trusted her.
I’d say hyper-independence isn’t ideal or healthy, but I completely understand. Figuring out which people are right for you can be a very painful process, and as grateful as I am for the connections I’ve made, some days I still wish I’d never opened up to anyone. Never gonna bullshit anyone and say “just trust” lol it’s not that easy.
I really would like for the situation to be able to be fixed. By communication, insted of just. A little misscomunication happens, and suddenly relationship is over
Partly its an Indian thing, South Asians mostly age a little slower, given your lifestyle isn't unhealthy. My family is Pakistani and we all look younger than we are.
I don't even know how to build relationships in the first place, not better ones! I don't even trust the people closest to me, and I've noticed that among streamers, I prefer ones that post a proper schedule that I can trust. Not sure if that's actually relevant, but at least it's something!
Only after 20 minutes in did I realize the part about not wanting but wanting help applied to me! I want people to ask if I am ok and when I say yes I want them to push because I am not ok!
Yeah, guys do this too all the time. Some guys like it when girls make the first move, maybe because it takes pressure off of them. Other guys will lose interest immediately because they don’t like “aggressive” or “assertive” women who make the first move. Catch-22
Hi, I love your content and I admire your work. Please consider by input for betterment your videos ;) my idea is to implement some sort of outtro with sound coz I use your content as a podcast and I am always surprised when it ends xD
“Do not expect what you cannot communicate”
I honestly forgot where i heard or read this from, but havent forgotten it since and im glad this is so well elaborated here
I like this quote too, forever screenshotted 🦍
First time I lost trust was when the fire nation attacked
When my girlfriend turned to a moon
@@amadiohfixed1300 That's rough buddy.
Yeah thats when everything changed
A lot of things felt different after the flame union struck out
When my uncle cried about his son to the saddest song ever written
Trust is being earned. It's perfectly fine not to trust everybody immediately.
At the same time, living with inherent distrust of everyone around you is bad
@@TMinusRecords That is true, good point!
i only trust people like Dr K
@@TMinusRecords To some extent, but my cynical ass thinks that it is completely valid to be distrustful of randoms nowadays. I think a lot of unhealthy attitudes are pushed onto people to be negative influences rather than positive ones. You don't want to restrict your ability to trust to the point where you end up preventing yourself from building meaningful relationships, but trust is something that can be taken advantage of.
I think maybe theres also something to be said about passive distrust (the lack of trust) vs active distrust (the presence of mistrust). The first is like a place of neutrality, we can approach trusting people with an open mind, knowing they could let us down or they could support us and we can prepare for both cases. I think this is a "good" kind of "distrust" (good meaning a healthy balance of survival tactics thats also not necessarily self sabotaging). The second type of distrust is a more unhealthy approach I think, because once we mistrust people it makes it extremely difficult to allow that state of openness to build more trust. This puts "undo" strain on relationships where both people are having to work harder than is necessary to get to a healthy type of attachment (I say undo because if we take a trauma informed approach, we realize that this strain was learned as a very smart survival mechanism that weeds out people who could potentially harm us). Idk just my 2cents
"I can't trust anyone"
"Dude the world is not that bad, trust more people and open up dude"
ah yes why haven't i thought of that
Just like telling the homeless to just stop being homeless, or the depressed likewise
Yeah i ll trust strangers,totally easy to do !
“Open up dude” yea that’s a scam.
Reminds me of people who tell people suffering with loneliness and difficulty making friends to just go out there at make some friends. That or "learn to love yourself."
Honestly its kind of that simple. Really the skill to develop is self-confidence, resiliency and agency to deal with the times your trust is 'broken.' This honestly occurs less than you probably imagine and for people who are actually untrustworthy, thats when you have the ability to leave. I feel like many people have this story book notion of trust being either absolute or non-existent, with no inbetween. Humans make mistakes, act in poor ways from time to time etc... Like any skill, it takes practice and some people will be better than others but its not something thats really that dramatic to accomplish.
This is literally me at age 30. I'm not trusting, yet resilient and introspective as hell. I'm crushing life, yet alone. Looking forward to watching the rest of this vid.
I don't trust new people I date, and struggle to recognize when to ask for help from people. Even with my new job.
Both of you sound like you are mentally struggling really hard. I felt a similar way ten years ago. I went to therapy and it helped more than you know. The other thing I would recommend is find one person you meet and like and then focus on developing communication and listening and empathy. I would not suggest a romantic interest but a friend.
The idea is to focus on building vulnerability with one person (this could also be a parent or a family member, btw) which you can translate into vulnerability with others.
Same here, except I don't trust pretty much anyone after too many let downs. Dr. K talks about having expectations, but sometimes it is something so basic, it is just ridiculous. For example, when they themselves offer you help and then let you down, not because of bad luck or skill, but because of half-arse effort. Yeah, trust people!
Me as an 18 year old currently
If you're completely alone you're not crushing life. I get your point tho
I'm 29 and I never had anybody and I will never trust anyone, people don't deserve to be trusted.
My problems with trust come from my home and school where i was bullied plus toxic home environment. It's the sadistic malice that lives in the human mind that makes hard to trust people that you don't know.
"chances are it's completely off base" Actually after years of searching and talking to therapists and psychiatrists, you just nailed my issues on the head in one video. Every time I watch your videos you help me in ways other professionals have failed to.
Sometimes there's no people willing to help, care or support you in the first place.
And sometimes you communicate your expectations, but people just don't fulfill them.
I understand the difference between trust as an action and trust as a state through the "trust fall". You may choose to fall because you trust that someone will catch you. I fall because falling doesn't hurt that much anyway.
Dr ks impression of a soft boy who "idealizes" women was top notch, already made my morning
timestamp plz
ah think i found it 13:48
wait no maybe it's 26:36
@@Lessen0 you got it its the second one lol
Dr K: "Trust is a state of confidence in another human being"
Me: Wow, that's so deep!
Commenter: Appreciates something
Tree Of Rage: Cynical take
Of course! Don’t worry about it
Please stop quoting yourself
@@A22by7 literally me
"I'm kind, I'm emotionally open, I respect and love women that's why you can't go out with anyone else because you need to go treasured and cared for. I'm going to put you on a pedestal and place really unrealistic expectations based on the scaring my mother did to me about what love is. I'm going to put all those expectations on you and I'll expect you to navigate them without ever telling you about them. Since I don't know how to communicate, I'm going to hold you to standards and when you don't meet those standards I'll get passive aggressive. (...) I don't actually admit my faults and I blame it on you because that is what my mother did to me."
OMG this is TOO REAL 💀💀💀
Shit, that was my last relationship. I ended up dating a mini version of my mom and it was terrible but made me realize all these things. Love is not what i was taught at home by my severely emotionally damaged family, and that relationship made me realize i grew up with twisted thoughts about deserving love and affection. Too bad it also made me realize 98% of my life is fucked beyond control due to that, but im already working on it. Self awareness and internal growth is the key, but its too hard to trust others now due to my own issues. I hope the things never happen again, i dont want to hurt anybody or myself due to ignorance
@@StarmenRock Go you!! Best wishes from a stranger on the internet
Wtf bro this is so me
Just download an app and have 100s of guys on your puppet strings
It’s like at least the “bad boy” is pretty direct often. Plus for all those who grew up in scarcity those sorts of cues attract those women more on a limbic level. Plus look up chemosignals around fear, aggression, sexual arousal, and dominance. It’s kinda interesting. We don’t have good language for unconcious olfactory signals.
I remember an "African proverb" that I'm gonna paraphrase because I can't find it now. It was something like "One does not love another if one can't accept a gift from them."
When I first heard it I was thinking of only material gifts, but now I realize it probably meant accepting any kind gesture. And I don't think it was literal, but more a way to suggest that you should accept kindness from the people you love.
i used to get upset when my partner didnt help me with certain things around the house. he has adhd and issues with executive disfunction and object permanence. i thought he was lazy and expected me to do everything. so i did what u said here, i asked him for help. and he absolutely doesnt hesitate to get up and help me with chores. he just needs direction. so now i tell him what i need help with, we split up the chores. i let him pick what he wants to do that day and i give him a list of steps on how to complete the task. and he does it with no issue. hes always happy to help. and we got past that hurdle fairly quickly because... wild concept, we communicated to each other our expectations and feelings, and how our brains work around those expectations and feelings!!! amazing. we recently had some other issues building up, so we sat down and had a few honest chats about it and now things r honestly better than ever. dont look for perfection. dont look for someone who can check off every box on ur list of what makes a perfect partner. its not worth the stress. just find someone who cares about you enough to comminicate and work on the relationship with you. someone who genuinely does what they can to make you happy, and someone who makes you wanna do the same for them. :)
Really thank you for this one Dr. K . These past few months I’ve been struggling with my self-esteem and I realize that a lot of it is because of my mistrust in others and myself. I guess I don’t like my personality very much. I think I’m very bland and just a generally bad person. In the past few months I’ve learned to open up more and to be more authentic around some people. And that’s allowed me to develop some really nice relationships. But then I have this messed up voice in my head telling me how wrong this all is. I think I find it very weird that these people even like being around me. And then that makes me anxious thinking that I’m gonna do something to push them away and that’s gonna leave me left alone. It’s a very weird thought process tbh. But I think this video has been very informative. I’m honestly considering therapy now at this point because with each passing day I’m learning I’m way more messed up than I thought lmaooo.
Same!!! Take care!
man, i'm in the exact scenario you're in rn, and i'm going for therapy to help myself deal with it (amongst many other issues). i'd recommend that you consider doing likewise.
stay strong man, we got this.
There's actually a quote i've kept with me, believe it or not, since I was about 10 years old (25 now): "Trust everyone, just don't trust the devil inside of them." Kind of molded my own meaning to it. That being said, I feel like I can "just trust people" very easily.
So weird though, now that i'm thinking about it, you really can't give a for sure definition to trust, can you? It's a weird state of mind that could be akin to confidence or faith, but even those words have clear definitions. I guess the best way i'd put it is a state of open-mindedness towards the actions of another person and being confident that they won't take advantage of or betray you.
Thank you so much for this Dr.K. This video helped me crystallize some frustrations I've had with myself.
It's not so much that I can't accept help. I am eager to accept the help. But I'm a total noob at communicating my expectations and need for help.
I hide my need for help while expecting other people to see it. I put all my points in emotional stealth and then resent others for not being able to roll a high enough emotional perception to bring me out of hiding.
An epiphany has been had.
I had a best friend I've known for over a decade where we trusted each other and promised to always support each other no matter what. And recently, they threw me out of their life and blocked me, so needless to say I have SERIOUS trust issues nowadays.
Oh fuck man... thats absolutly horrible. I would totaly feel the same, just please keep in mind to not put every person under the same head. Stay strong friend
Check out teal swans vid on ghosting. I ghosted a lot of people and that woman was the one who got why, right on point.
I had a very similar situation but ur circumstance is way worse. I was friends with someone for 3 years and she was my best friend until she backstabbed me, lied to me for months, blocked me on every app, and got our friend group to stop talking to me. I have huge trust issues because of her but I cannot comprehend what ur feeling because u known that person for a decade
@@anthonyargueta131 I had some of those happen too, specifically being blocked everywhere and losing all the friends I made through that friend, a few of which I also knew for over a decade. I even dated that friend before, which only made it hurt worse and more confusing. I hope things get better for you.
@@NonEmployee it's been a few years since it happened to me and while I am over her and my friend group, the trust issues definitely still linger immensely. I wish u all the best friend.
Love it when Dr. K goes deep playing a character 😂
"It's really easy for people to dissapoint your expectations if you don't tell them what your expectations are" that hit 13:08
That did resonate well... I can't just trust people on intimate level (even as friends I don't like to talk about my things or thoughts, though I will listen to them and try to help if I can). And on romantic level I want a person to show all that they care and like you mentioned for them to show they will break through even if I'm somewhat not open, and I just feel no one's gonna so I don't care about it and I just focus on my day to day life but keeping the door closed does suck, it's great to see that I find part of myself on various videos and posts you discuss over.
To quote a Linkin Park song, "when the paper's crumpled up it can't be perfect again". That's pretty much how I feel about trust with people; you do something "sus" or outright betray me just a couple of times, and it'll make me at least a little wary of you pretty much forever.
Good. You shouldnt be completely trusting, but not completely distrusting. You need the best of both worlds
Absolutely. I hold eternal grudges but it takes me a long time to get there.
Loved this!
I struggle with trust so much and never ever did anyone acknowledge that its
not something you can just choose to do on a wednesday afternoon.
Its a process. Thank you.
Interesting that the advice is "communicate". I had a relationship. I was communicating. I was always blamed for everything. I was blamed for making everything about me when all I was doing is communicating my observations and perspective. I was respectful of boundaries. Then I was blamed for being respectful of boundaries. Turns out when people tell you they need time you're supposed to keep pestering them to show you care (???).
I don't know. I still think communication is key but it's super painful being blamed for communicating. Apparently logic and communication means fuck all compared to feelings. Who knew.
You'll grow closer in relationships if you have confidence in them. Just as true it is that you'll grow distant in relationships the more you doubt them. We all know how empowering it can feel to be trusted and how crushing it can feel to be doubted and those we interact with will feel the similarly.
It can be scary to have confidence in others, because you could be taken advantage of but that is down to them, not you. Our only choice is to trust or not; To have confidence or doubt and as Dr K states, trust itself is not an action but we can choose to see through the perspective of trust.
That's the thing that sucks so much. If all your previous relationships have ended with the other person being untrustworthy, it becomes harder every single time afterwards to suspend your disbelief.
This dude is me and I'm 20 years older than him and haven't sorted it out. Sure enough I'm lonely and burned out. Don't get to where I am!
This can happen to anyone, man
This could've been my post as well. I'm 22, it could've been anyone man.
I’m sure some people will get to where you are but everything is still redeemable! Just keep watching Dr K videos and implement his ideas slowly but surely, and hopefully everything starts to get better. Good luck in trusting :D
@@tomoakes95 Thank you Tom.
nah id cope
24:06
Stuff like this is why I hate online/modern dating. Mind games and unspoken rules are some of my biggest pet peeves.
Also, I genuinely cannot fathom those guys that send women pics of their dong before literally saying anything.
@@femme_fatalist I imagine that it can get very frustrating, especially when the ratio with men and women is so unbalanced anyways. Plus there's the whole thing about bad apples ruining the bunch, and online dating relying on a very skewed, narrow perspective of people.
This person is really understanding and describing beautifully that they have an Avoidant attachment style!
Wtf... These videos are getting way too real man..
Thank you
At the beginning of 9th grade, I used to sit at a lunch table where there were a lot of upper classmen. One day I stayed after school for a club, and a random student asked if I was on Facebook. I was not, and thought he had just confused me with someone else. The next day, other classmates told me they saw I was on Facebook. The profile pic was me, reading a book at that table. The photo and profile had been done without my knowledge, and although we were eventually able to get it taken down, I have never been able to come back from that betrayal. For the rest of highschool, I almost never sat in the lunchroom ever again. Instead choosing to sit in a secluded corridor. It was chilly in the winter and uncomfortable, but peaceful. And it was one of the few places where you could get on an internet hotspot.
I recount it now with laughter, but I still find it difficult to trust people in situations where a normal person would consider to be a friend.
I swear Dr. K’s videos keep coming out at the perfect time for me.
13:27 was a massive light bulb to me, makes a lot of sense in my current situation. Thanks as always Dr.K!
This is me 100%. Only like 6 months ago thanks to visit at psychologist I noticed that it is a problem. I still don't trust and probably never will, but at least I learnt to ask questions when I'm unsure about something, which changed a lot. Turns out, people are actually eager to help, just like I am, all I have to do is ask them.
But setting up expectations is something I still struggle with. For example I am always on time and would expect you to be on time as well, buy some people tend to be always late. But I don't want to come up as demanding prick.
I had a narcissistic friend who was like this, I didn't realize they were manipulating me, but they told me they wanted to change. I said much of the same as the video says to them. But they wouldn't accept help. I wish I didn't try to help people so much. I communicated my expectations, and was still disappointed. I'm afraid that by communicating my expectations, and my thoughts it just pushes people away and makes me come across as a know-it-all jerk.
I can relate to this. It sucks when you're just trying to do right by the other person by communicating clearly, respectfully, and directly with them, only to be met with hostility and defensiveness (accusations of "picking fights all the time" and being "difficult"; the infamous, "wHy CaN't YoU jUsT eNjOy ThE rELaTiOnShIp aNd sWeEp EvErYtHiNg UnDeR tHe RuG LiKe Me??", etc.). 🙄
You're just as important as the other person in the equation, and you are NOT wrong for communicating your thoughts and feelings. If the other person can't handle that, then that says more about them, regardless of how they might try to project their ambivalence onto you.
So fuck 'em. 😎 You can't work with someone who's intent on misunderstanding you at every turn. 100% their loss. As for you: let the trash take itself out, and wave as it slinks by through that door. 😁🌻🥂💐✌🏻
Take care! ✨🕊️
god that nice guy thing is too real and why i have such a hard time making male friends. im like ok cool we are friends! but then inevitably it gets to them saying sexist shit, or asking you out and being really weird about it when you say no as if your entire friendship at that point was just like. some weird visual novel and this is bad end so i guess you can't hang out anymore. weird shit!!
I think it is a testament to your channel that after following some of your advice, it is now easier to focus on your videos than it was before.
These 30 minute videos over specific topics are so awesome. Keep me coming
it keeps me coming all right
@@СашаСлавянская-д3г damn it 🤡
Everyone has to realize you can't be truly at peace or even have truly healthy relationship without trust. I had failed to realize that, and my action had cost me a chance to be married and have a family that I ever wanted. And I have realized it isn't the end, I just have to get both patience and trust in order to reach my goal.
That's the one that describes me to a point.
But I'm working on it, and luckily have some trusted friends, that know to just help me, without even asking.
My issue is that I trust people, we build a really great friendship over the years, and things are great. Then they bury a dagger in my back go "Oopsies ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" and then refuse to apologize. When I was younger I could handle it better, but I'm 35 now. I'm sick of dealing with this. My mother chased a drug habit, my father's approval was only conditional, my brother steals from me, and every friend I make eventually fucks me over.
At this point I can't NOT consider myself the common denominator, y'know?
I can't control them, but I CAN control who I'm vulnerable to. Which, I mean obviously I'm a shit judge of character, so all I can do is never be vulnerable again.
At 36, I absolutely feel you. Building discernment is HARD, but it's easier with people who are trustworthy...the kind of people who wouldn't be able to function if they WEREN'T acting trustworthy.
I think you're right on the common denominator, tho I don't mean fault by that, more that you know the biggest changes come from yourself, the most strength.
I believe it is possible to learn discernment, protect yourself, AND be vulnerable.
Maybe I'm a sentimental fool, but I feel we all need to opportunity to be vulnerable sometimes, if only to function at our best. Whenever we have a history of people screwing us over, it's super hard.
The right people are out there, but it seems like you can get a lot of value from being really good to yourself, and allowing yourself that vulnerability.
When you can be confident enough in yourself that opening up isn't quite as painful, those little moments of vulnerability you can share with others shine brighter in gratitude than ever before.
It's so worth it. Personally, I refuse to cut myself off from meaningful experiences because of the people who hurt and betrayed me to the core. They don't get to decide how deep my heart goes.
The hits keep coming, I keep getting hurt, but I expect interpersonal failure 96% of the time (Pareto principle x Drake equation), and I refuse to let them hurt me so much I miss out of the potential of meeting that 4% who can actually offer the good stuff.
@@UnexpectedAmy I know what the pareto distribution is, but what's the Drake equation??
@@UnexpectedAmy Yeah I don't have the emotional bandwidth anymore to gamble against 96% odds. I'll take the burn out and the loneliness. At least then I know what to expect.
@@Dimitris_Half May as well have, considering how well they hid it, but fair enough.
@@Dimitris_Half See, I gave you the benefit of the doubt there, and trusted that you weren't going to pull a "Maybe it's your fault everyone mistreats you", but then you went ahead and did it anyway. That'll learn me about responding to comments.
Different thing, but I've completely lost trust in my local post office since they lost my package a few days ago.
Aaaah man I love these videos. I know I have some long lasting issues with communication stemming from childhood, and the introversion in me doesn't really help, but I'm glad to say that I don't fear confrontation and talking in stores much anymore lol. The hardest thing for me that I'm learning to undo is my anxiety and fear of asking or taking action on what I want.
Quotes: The entire video.
I wanted to write down the usual quotes from Dr. K, but just following his words and taking a look at the chapters he created is about enoguh for today. I love the topic of trust, it's at the very core of what I try to be, and Dr. K gave that topic a very good overview in 30 minutes. Thank you.
I feel like trust is kinda like a currency. Like, you can spend trust by disappointing people, but once you are in debt, good luck paying that back. Meanwhile if you have a lot of it built up, it kinda just keeps giving you some interest on that.
That's a very transactional viewpoint
@@JakeIsTiredd as is life in capitalism
@@vivvy_0 ok mr marks reader
@@vivvy_0 Not necessarily. We can and should choose to have non transactional relationships
All relationships are transactional at some level in all aspects.
Thankful for this post
I used to trust people way more than I should and now I can’t trust anyone at all
After being stabbed in the back several times by people close to me some time ago, I decided to relook at the people in my life. So now the only people in my life are the people who care about me and who I care about.
OP is literally me and why I've been alone all my life. although I came to the realization that this was the issue several years later
The last part of the video, hit like a truck for personal events I have been through recently. Thanks Dr. K for sharing your knowledge^^
Man, he's full of sass in this video. Love the voice work.
The only way to accept help as a victim of ongoing abuse is to use people for your ends, because once you realise what you been through you understand that you don't need help anyway, so asking for help becomes for of deciebing and manipulation, looking for a therapist and trying to reach out for understanding is another story ❤
Dr. K your new camera set up has a very low depth of field so you're often out of focus. You might need to change the aperture so that the depth of field is bigger. Basically at the moment you are out of focus if you lean back and in-focus if you lean forwards. You could swap it, but it'd still be an issue for the opposite reasons. At such a low aperture the depth of field is very shallow. A higher aperture should fix that.
Also great video, thank you again for all your help.
Just say to fix the focus. Trust that they would know what to look for instead of writing a paragraph spoon feeding them how focus works.
@@ZeroZoneZZ just trying to help.
@@ZeroZoneZZ what's the problem
Do do feel similarly to this "hyper-independent" topic, however for a very different cause that I see no solution about. In my case feel I am the one who has to do everything, but not because I have the power or anything, simply put nobody else has shown me they are actually capable of doing what I need. It takes me a lot to trust, and I feel uncomfortable asking for help, but I certainly do. Because I think the opposite, many stuff its "Imposible/too hard for me", "I'll get burn out if I do" and the like, so I try seeing if anybody can help with it. The answer usually is always a no, and I have to do it myself as always.
Given this, I find that there are spots where I simply have to "damage boost" before asking anybody for help because it would come with a drawback. As an example, just last week I finished the final project of my degree, and I was told I could do it with a partner, but in the end I did 85% of it all on my own. One would expect to split the project on as even parts as posible, but I could not allow it. "If only 1 out of 5 people are able to do this part correctly, I canno't allow the risk of them trying. If they try and fail, we both sink in the end". Thus .. even though I know I will get the burn, I rather do that than having to spend one more year to get my degree. Because you know, we only had a determined time to do it all.
At least in this situation I got some help, for as little as it was it is still something. But other times that is not the case.
I feel I cannot trust because I'm constantly shown that other people simply can't do it themselves. It makes it hard to bother asking in the first place when I know in the end its still going to be me doing the thing and I only lost energy asking
This is exactly how i feel, and the fact that teachers kept pushing me to ask for help, only to then waste time by repeating what they told in front of the whole class didn't help that either.
Venting:
In reality I’m scared of asking for help or talking with someone. I feel an insane amount of guilt afterwards, if I let anything out. Trusting anyone feels very, very far away. Every time I’ve trusted someone for real, it all turns to shit. I’ve been taught to stf and just do things without bothering anyone. To man up and stop wining when faced with problems.
I once told my mom I felt like shit. I got locked up in my room to study for 10h/per day, eating for 2h and working out for 1h. With checkups every 30 min or so. You can say that I now shut up when something is bothering me.
I feel like I can’t even trust my friends to be my friends. The only way I’m not worried is if I can bring some kind of equivalent exchange. Which also feels insane… The wry thing is that I’m a person who generally feels very very happy when I feel needed and appreciated.
Do I trust myself?… not really.
oh man that sucks
i hope the best for you bro idk what to say
it's truly dificult to trust other people. be kind to yourself, do what you think you can do step by step. I'd say it's easiest to start with learning to trust yourself. After all, the only one who has any agency over you is you. the unknown of other people may be overwhelming but you can change things within yourself, by yourself. because even if you aim to trust other people, if you don't trust yourself then that's gonna make it x1000 times harder.
Trust is not something you do. Trust is something you feel. That feeling or that state of confidence in someone has to be achieved over time, or earned!
All the people in the world who had been betrayed did one thing in common - they JUST TRUSTed someone. Trust can kill you because that's exactly how serial killers and criminals find their victims. The sad fact of reality is that
betrayal thrives on "just trust"(blind trust). Love and friendship thrives on earned/achieved trust.
Well. Some of us are betrayed by our parents who we are programed to trust before we know any better and who we have to trust for our own survival. Some of us are betrayed by a friend or spouse of many years who we thought did earn the trust. It makes the betrayal much worse, but more of a betrayal trauma. You can't live your life prepared for the worst case scenario from everyone. That's no way to live.
9:54 "He's a professional thruster". No joke tho, this was a very insightful video
This sounds like an avoidant attachment style
“I want to let my next girlfriend through that big door I’ve locked for years”
Damn
This is making me emotional because I completely relate the the poster. It resonates so much, thanks a lot Dr.K!
I’ve never related to something so much! Thanks for verbalizing it for me!
Trust is easier around trustworthy people. Some people can't live with themselves when they do wrong by others, to some people trust is too vital to mess with.
They are a rare breed, but they can help you see trust also exists outside yourself. If someone is inherently trustworthy and you can't extend a level of trust, the issue is within you. It can be solved with discernment and a little risk.
Trust is trusting trustworthy people around other trusting trustworthy people. We are half of that :)
Dr .K somewhat your videos are my comfort now,and I learn so much from it🎉
A bit hard to tell me to JuSt TrUst pEopLe when every person i knew past this year backstabbed me in one way or another,doable but with a bit of luck and the right people
The worst thing a person can do after acknowledging this is forgetting the peiple responsible. Society has pushed the family card so hard that even after a lifetime of abuse, we still expect them to magically match the narrative.
He said not to gender his examples, but let's be real here: most straight men aren't complaining when a woman asks him out and then asks where he wants to go, or simply says she'd like to go to a certain place with him. They're just happy a woman liked them enough to take strong initiative.
Likewise, women aren't typically sending unsolicited sexual photos to men on apps or through texts within hours of "matching" them. Really, the stereotypes exist for a reason, and I think it's okay to "gender" them if it means calling out certain groups for the way they behave. We all like to call out men as a group for their bad behavior, I don't see why we can't do the same with women and have to walk it back and make it neutral by proclaiming "everyone is bad lol". Anyways, my two cents, still a great video.
I think what he means is that not communicating expectation is not gender things. However I agree that common mistakes and common patterns are different. But when we talk about expectation communication I think it’s unproductive to focus on some specific behavior. We can have time evaluate those specific pattern later.
All the world needs to see this video, the part about communication is really at the core of a lot of problemes in our sociaty at the moment and the over all content is really intresting. Thank you dr K
Trust = competence * character * communicated commitment
- Your friendly neighborhood recovering fearful avoidant with PTSD
wow same
Didn't work out for me. I communicated to my ex and she said she didn't have time for me, but still expected me to be there for her. Communicating only helps if the other person wants a reciprocal relationship.
That really sucks, but I feel like it did work out for you in the sense that you both learned what’s expected in the relationship. It just sucks that those expectations were not a good fit.
@@TheInvader500 It's true in that sense. I just meant that most of us are not "hyper-independent" if there actually is no one there for us. We have to go it alone either way; the choice is how much charity we're comfortable giving.
@@superlazyguy00 I'm sorry that you had to go through that. this might be a one off but it might be valuable to assess how you make connections, like what you look for, what kind of people you gravitate towards, if you find you're really alone. it's difficult and can be slow, but pretty much anyone can build good connections and a support system given they're making friends with a least some of the right people.
@@superlazyguy00 I feel you brother, what helped me become more independent of having a girlfriend was metta meditations, I've learned to like myself more (selflove) which made me happier being alone and so much less desperate.
first part helped a lot, i dont have a partner so the rest just lost me, and the expectation that other people would want to help you just because they want or they like you enough just feels as wrong as asking for help, but other than that this was super helpful!!!
I like my hyper independence. After a life of anxiety of trying to fit in and be more mainstream failing and being stressed about it, I am the best I've ever been.
The only thing you trust is that nothing is reliable, everything breaks, and betrayal is a matter of time, and it does NOT matter if it is people, machines, or nature. The law of entropy guarantees this. Any time you try to insist on something especially if you try to impose it on other people, you trying to impose order and disorder will always counter you.
“You don’t have to go out there and just blindly practicing trust, I mean you can but I’m not advocating that”. I mean it would kinda be something like a men shed where people where paired up across 3 weeks and they gradually do that
18:00 Ok, so what about when someone has lied to you in the past? Do you just say "Hey, I'm having a hard time believing you because these things aren't lining up and you've lied in the past?" Because that seems like it not only puts them in a defensive state, but also gives them all they need to fabricate another lie if they so choose. So how do you interact with someone you don't trust without being a jerk and allowing them to rebuild trust?
Another question I had was "how much should you trust/when to give more trust?" But I guess since trusting isn't something you do, its not really something you choose to give, its a measure of how much you give. Meaning, its not a "if you do this, ill give you more trust" but rather "over time I have trusted you more". Kinda like being comfortable around someone. You cant really say "Ill be this comfortable if you do this", but you can say "I am very comfortable" or "I would be more comfortable if you did this"
You don't have to be everything to everyone
Trust is natural, now that you're hurt its hard to see that. Just don't get stuck thinking nobody is worth trusting, try to think of ways you'd like to be trusted as well
Why are you around someone who lies to you?
good lord such a great post.
Me: *Does literally This*
Dr.K: Calls me out on my bs
Thanks Dr. K, needed this.
This man be spitting facts.
Keep up the great work brother. 👌🏽
I wqs also abusd, and i just accepted the fact that I'll probably never really trust anyone because I've seen ugly side of more people than i ever planned... Its not easy, but i just don't have it in me to go through traumatic r
Relationship again ❤
I love this community.
While i love to help expecting nothing in return but i have grown to realize that not everyone deserves my help, my time or all of my effort, i also absolutely hate being helped because i don't always know the motives of other people when they try to help me since the first thing that comes to my mind when i have to ask for help is, what is that person gonna demand from me if i ask for help, how are they gonna try to take advantage of me and will i be able to say no?
I mean of course i can say no, but then they can go about and spread false information about what an asshole they think i am for not reciprocating regardless of context and since most people out there are absolute trash in that department meaning, mostly, they will take as truth what they hear the first time and nothing else really matters, and even though i don't care about opinions emotionally, i always can't help but wonder how that will affect me in the practical level and when i do, i just don't accept help, i don't like to waste other people's time when i am extremely capable of accomplishing most of the things in my life on my own, why would i try to act like i am dependent on them and look like a weakling, hell no.
Since i don't need help most of the time and i love being alone and almost never feel lonely and even if i do it's not significant in terms of intensity + it last for a very short amount of time, especially since i can power through as if it was nothing, why would i wanna ask for help when people are so shitty all the time? (rhetorical question)
I feel like I'm giving more than I receive. (Not that it's transactional, but I doubt people would go the same lengths as I do.)
jup. but saying that makes you an evil narcissist apparently
omg the impressions are so spot on.
Maybe I don't actually trust anyone anymore, but at least I act as though I do, because that seems the polite thing to do.
Also it seems like a gamble that is worth it. Most of the time it works out, occasionally it doesn't, well, no matter, lick your wounds and continue, the times that it does work, which are the majority of instances, make up for the times it doesn't.
Oof thanks for this video, I really need to watch it and introspect, as I am having trouble trusting ever since my fiancée broke with me, I hope to trust someone again as much as I trusted her.
Being hyper-independent isn't a bad option in nowadays. People suck today.
I’d say hyper-independence isn’t ideal or healthy, but I completely understand. Figuring out which people are right for you can be a very painful process, and as grateful as I am for the connections I’ve made, some days I still wish I’d never opened up to anyone. Never gonna bullshit anyone and say “just trust” lol it’s not that easy.
I think this is why movements like MGTOW are cropping out. It’s easier to not trust, it’s the safest option, and humans are rise averse.
I really would like for the situation to be able to be fixed. By communication, insted of just. A little misscomunication happens, and suddenly relationship is over
Thanks for sharing. This is going to help my growth so much. This is my problem
I love your cartman voice
Also I think you can do a hundred reps of trust, whatever you practice you'll get good at
I just can't wrap my head around the fact that this dude's 37. Guess those meditation techniques are the new fountain of youth
why is that hard to believe
He’s only a year older than I am. Funny enough, I also know that his birthday is 10 days before mine.
Partly its an Indian thing, South Asians mostly age a little slower, given your lifestyle isn't unhealthy. My family is Pakistani and we all look younger than we are.
Needed this, thanks Dr. K
I don't even know how to build relationships in the first place, not better ones! I don't even trust the people closest to me, and I've noticed that among streamers, I prefer ones that post a proper schedule that I can trust. Not sure if that's actually relevant, but at least it's something!
Only after 20 minutes in did I realize the part about not wanting but wanting help applied to me! I want people to ask if I am ok and when I say yes I want them to push because I am not ok!
25:25 why am I not surprised that chat was blaming women
Yeah, guys do this too all the time.
Some guys like it when girls make the first move, maybe because it takes pressure off of them. Other guys will lose interest immediately because they don’t like “aggressive” or “assertive” women who make the first move.
Catch-22
Hi, I love your content and I admire your work. Please consider by input for betterment your videos ;) my idea is to implement some sort of outtro with sound coz I use your content as a podcast and I am always surprised when it ends xD
That would be helpful, yeah.
Spot on Dr K 🙌🏾
Needed this bad. Thank you sir
This video might have helped me figure out what's wrong with me more than anything or anyone else has
When I found out my parents had been lying about Santa….GG man, GTFO.
The last couple of minutes were pure gold😭😭😭
Love your impressions lol great information aside I needed that laugh 😆