"'Since I'm gonna fail, I might as well not try. At least I'll protect myself from the disappointment of hope.' That's what really happens in learned helplessness. Because you learn that hope and failing is painful. So we shoot for neutral, for numbness." - Dr. K. OUCH. That described how I was living my life for the last 11 years.
If you're in a dark room but you refuse to accept that it's dark, you will also refuse to turn on a light, because you "don't have to." Acceptance leads to change because it allows you to RESPOND to the situation rather than REACT to your feelings.
@@vivvy_0 wouldn’t that be the learned helplessness discussed in the video? Cause there’s an action you can take that’s in your power but your brain is like “yea it’s dark but the light switch is so far, so why bother” hopefully that’s the right thing from the video, but in the end I think it’s worth to turn on the light switch for the sake of the action
@@kahlilwashington8936 Moreover, you can accept the dark and so what are you going to do about it, if you like it then it's fine but if you want to see things you have to put on a light.
I have pretty bad learned helplessness. I can't see myself ever in a successful position in life. I can't see myself ever accomplishing anything in life and it's almost cringe to picture myself doing so. I have really bad self-esteem and no sense of agency. I have no confidence in myself to do anything, even simple tasks. I gave up on life and have apathy towards everything. My life is going terribly but I can't seem to care about what's happening to me. I don't take care of myself at all. If I do manage to accomplish anything, it doesn't make me feel better about myself. I have lots of self-loathing and I have suicidal thoughts just about every day.
Sounds like hell. I’ve been in my own mind’s version of hell at one point as well and, from human to human, I hope you find your way out. You deserve peace.
I cannot express to you how much I agree. I'm so sick of positivity culture saying 'give it time' and all those kind of buttery but ultimately shallow phrases. I know myself and I know that the ratio of failures when compared to my successes in my life is so astronimcailly imbalenced that you can literally make an evidence-based conclusion that i am an overwhelming fuck up and i should not be trusted ever. i have intense feelings of shame and i am struggling with sucidal ideation because i know life is just heading towards another string of painful, avoidable fuck ups. and you know what? i'm going to be right. i have mountains of evidence.
I've done all three (1) maladaptive daydreaming, (2) thinking about the hopeless future, and (3) contrafactual thinking. Basically wasted 15 years doing nothing because of the trifecta of avoidance of the present combined with learned helplenessness. But never had the language to understand what was happening until I saw this video. It explains a lot.
I've heard this exact thing from Dr. K dozens of times in dozens of videos and I still need to be reminded every time >__> (I do have success for a time but then I forget that nugget of wisdom and have to be reminded it's about doing the action for the sake of doing the action)
Bro I feel the same way I have to be reminded of all his sayings even though I’ve heard it all a million times but every single time it is helpful in whatever situation I am in
so just give it your all. start small. your thoughts will beat you up. but you will need to push thru if you can. take back control. AM I GETTING THIS RIGHT?
Samesies... it takes constant reminding. It's so easy to fall back into negative, habitual thought patterns unless I watch/ listen to stuff like this literally every day
I felt the same way, hang in there and remind yourself that - for these ideas to become your actions - your mind needs to experience putting them into play. It starts, like you said, with having to remind yourself many times and that’s ok :) The more you physically go through the action of putting the ideas into practice the more they get molded into your behavior. Soon you won’t even need to remind yourself with videos at all
" 'If I'm hopeless about the future it gives me a free pass from the present and I don't have to do anything right now.' You ever think about that?" 😅 You got me
I believe the self-helpnesses combined with the lack of any real intimacy/support from whether it be a mate, family, friend. And the fact that we try to form connections with others so we don't feel alone. Yet they don't really care or it doesn't go anywhere. It develops this hatred and coldness, the want to not feel. To feel neutral/numb by using substances as well as self isolation. This makes us addicted to the things that make us feel 'ok'. And to not want to interact with others due to the fear of failure or merely because you know it won't really go anywhere. It causes us to miss opportunities and much more. Its really a vicious cycle... This doesn't apply to everyone but its something I've been noticing overtime..
Yup! You nailed it dude. I feel like I really am progressing, but that's been me for the last decade or so... I am improving, but it's daunting and tedious. You explained that feeling very well. All the best to you.
@Vee Tee reading your comment i started to think that my urge to self isolation, its desperate way that the mind finds to be in the present, when an invalidating enviroment pushes me to past or future. So i think my goal should be in present while in an enviroment that makes me feel bad about myself
As someone with severe obssessive thoughts, I learned with theraphy that you can't trust your own mind and you can create feelings just thinking of them too much. That's very counterintuitive, but I benefited a lot gaining a degree of dissociation. When I can recognize that a thought is recurrent and has no reason to exist other than to stress me, I classify it as obssessive and do my best to ignore it. It's interesting because I've been a victim of gaslight in my early adolescence so I had to "trust my gut" I needed to believe my thoughts as they were all I had, so it was very hard to look for proof "in the real concrete world". The mind is something amazingly complicated. Thanks for your videos!
@@adelsahib3149 In the beggining it was super hard to tell which were obssessive thoughts and which were, you know, me. I mean, it's stuff happening in your mind, how is it not you? But obssessive thoughts are things that ususally freak me out but the nest day they are gone. Real life example: sometimes I can't sleep thinking that the building I live is gonna crash on me and I'm gonna die without saying goodbye to my family. It's so bad I sometimes cry myself to sleep, but the next day... I'm good. That's how I know it's not me, because it only happens on specific moments and I can't rationalize it, there's no origin or cause. If you feel something and the feeling doesn't go away the next day, if it has cause, if someone is making you feel like that, in my experience that is genuine, so you should not ignore it, becase that's how you feel.
Dissociation is not a bad thing. Think of it as an emotional fuse: when an electric current gets too strong, the fuse stops it by interrupting the circuit, and you can restart the current by replacing the fuse and solving the problem that caused to fuse to fire. When you dissociate, your brain is stopping your emotions from frying it.
NOTES Learned helplessness = we lose belief in our own agency. We learn over time that there’s no way to win. We learn to give up very easily. If something doesn’t work right away, we learn to give up. Normally - when we face challenges, it is the natural human response to rise up to the challenge and learn how to beat it. But some people learn, over time, that there’s no way to win. Acceptance - if we accept what happens in life instead of trying to change it, how does that help? ACT = Acceptance and Commitment Theory Acceptance philosophy can lead to good clinical outcomes. It’s our attempts to resist the addiction that cause most problems. If we accept the addiction, paradoxically, that is what gives us the power to change it.
For me at least, I tried to accept my negative emotion, specifically this feeling of powerlessness/hopelessness that I kept dealing with, to meditate and focus on it. But this immense feeling of powerlessness and helplessness was way too powerful, and it DID NOT go away just by focusing on it. It was no illusion. I fell back into coping for a few days. It turns out that it was all related to trauma back when I was 6 years old. Once I integrated that, all of the issues related to it melted away. The powerlessness/hopelessness relating to being unlikable and undesirable around people came from real experiences of being rejected, made fun of, and looked down on by peers at a very young age. It was so bad that literally being around any stranger in public made me feel lesser-than, barring a few exceptions like at work or online. These feelings tormented me for over 20 years and kept me from being able to talk to people casually or naturally when there is no obligation. I had an identity of being below other people (barring a few specific circumstances), and that I was hopeless and powerless for anyone to want to be friends with me. But I think I was eventually able to get to resolving that trauma because I tried to accept the emotion and face those feelings, and it eventually revealed what it really was (and then I integrated that part of me). Now I can be around people without feeling like my 6-year-old self. There are still issues, and I still have a lot of trauma, so it's not like life is perfect and all of my issues are magically cured, but it is definitely way better than it was before as that issue tormented me SO badly. So facing and accepting the negative emotions is ultimately a path to healing imo, but I wouldn't say all negative emotions are all illusions or an oasis in a desert. Because those experiences were real things that happened to me, and I had no other way of dealing with it at the time, and to say that those are just empty, rootless emotions is a disservice to my younger self who had no capacity to process such a difficult situation.
I think what makes acceptance difficult for many (also for me) is the notion of fatality - that something or some things they regret in the past have permanently deprived them of something they value so much that without it there is no meaning. Acceptance becomes the acceptance of lack of which they value to death. No sane person would accept that.
You are explaining ego death and it is actually very beneficial! Yes “you”, what you value, your concept of you-ness can DIE and it actually creates a lot of bliss. But! Be warned, as they say - to practice is zen is to walk a razor’s edge. So it’s a good idea to study such techniques in person with an experienced teacher rather than try it by yourself. Basically, a lot of people think monks who meditate all the time and accept everything must be sad and bored. But they are actually some of the happiest, engaged, most secure people I’ve ever met.
28:00 to the end of the video had me in tears Dr.K. I am typing through the tears haha. But Dr.K ... thank you man. I am going through the darkest time of my life where I feel devoid of all positive emotions. I'm struggling with learned helplessness. But, you gave me some encouragement I needed, and throughout this whole video; I knew what you said was true, I could just never articulate it myself.
It is interesting how others can relate with rewatching Dr. K’s videos tons of times and having to rewatch constantly due to forgetting. Recently been really burned out with the constant video watching though, as helpful as it is… managed to actually watch this one though. Dr. K always helps relieve my anxiety a bit.
something that helped me deal with this is by applying the little bit of information i remembered from the videos and "rediscovering" what dr k talks about through experience. For example: going to social gatherings for my friends because i remembered dr.k saying something about let go of expectation and experience life. When i hung out with my friends at public events, i slowly became more comfortable with myself and others, and understood what dr.k was trying to explain. Sometimes its better to apply the little information u know, rather than to bulk up on a lot of good information u don't end up using later anyways. unsolicited preaching is sometimes annoying so i apologize for that hope my bulk of words helps a little.
Really glad I found this video right now. I graduated with my bachelor’s in December and finding gap-year work has been frustrating and failure-mindset-inducing.
Key takeaways: - you are not your thoughts, but your actions. You don't have to act according to them. 'me' really wanting to eat pizza vs my body wanting fast calories vs my mind/addictiln craving it are all different things. - to distance yourself from thoughts: notice them, accept them as they are, but realize you can choose to act differently - dwelling on the past, 'if only' -mentality takes lots of mental capacity. Mindset shift --> accept past and act better now - don't put introduce concept of time to changin your lifestyle. You can only not eat pizza now. It's not possible to quit it for a day, nor a month. Don't let the devil know in advance - accepting your addiction lets you gain control. Addiction can't fool you anymorr, because you realize because addiction can fool you and you can't control it in any way
Acceptance allows reset, and reset is the solution for every problem. Accept the past, understand the present, and then try to turn off and on yourself to keep moving ahead with your life. :)
I dont have time to watch the full video, but could you elaborate on what dr k was saying here? Or perhaps link a timestamp? Would gladly appreciate it!
As someone who cannot afford professional therapy, but desperately wants to continue what I started in therapy, I DEEPLY appreciate these videos. I'll watch them at work, at home. It feels like therapy homework, in the best way. Definitely hoping to get back into professional therapy, but this channel is a tremendous help in the mean time.
14:08 that was my question drk thank you for answering it , I literally started crying after your hamburger example, it felt for a second that I'm actually normal, I hope you would talk about this topic more in the future
This is going to sound odd, but every time I feel helpless I go to your channel and by watching 10 minutes of any video I get a giant motivation boost which is super useful especially in weeks as such when I have tons of tests.
Bro I’m 23 years old and I can resonate this video so much. The reason why I resonate this so much is I dwell on past choices. Dwelling on past mistakes causes prolific worry and anxiety of my future because I believe the wrong decisions I’ve made in the past messed up my future. I feel utterly hopeless about my future
The thing that's really messing me up lately is more, 'idk what else I could possibly try.' I was willing to try so many things and I got thrown on my ass after each and every one, so now I'm just out of ideas.
That kind of sounds similar to my situation. But I think what's going on for me is that I'm using therapy as avoidance. I know me personally I'll go to all these different therapies, try what they say to do and then if it doesn't work right away I give up because the helplessness kicks in and I think "Why try if it might not work?" "am I going to suffer forever?" "Why is this happening to me?" and I would be really scared to try it again because I was afraid of wasting my time because I am suffering and want to get better right now. I think the goal for me now personally is to accept that I'm not going to get better right away and that the things I'm trying may not work for me and that it's ok for me to fail and try something else. I've got to give myself a chance to heal. If I don't I'll just keep on jumping from therapy to therapy until there's no where else to go. It seems that acceptance is key and trying to catch your avoidance behaviors and be aware when you are avoiding is one of the hardest parts. I know I will forget and then realize after the fact that I got caught in my self loathing thought loops, and then it's a battle of not beating myself up about making the mistake of falling for your minds traps. It's very difficult to be aware but I think when you start catching it and replacing it with "I accept that ..." or "I will catch myself next time" kinds of thoughts it helps change your thought patterns. They call that cognitive reframing. I'm still in the beginning fazes of this but I was able to do it for a little bit before and it helped a lot. It can be very difficult to be consistent but I would try to be as forgiving as you can be to yourself when you slip back to old thoughts because it is very difficult to decondition this helplessness loop. Good luck to anyone reading this who is struggling with these kinds of issues. You are much stronger than you realize and just the fact that you are on Dr. K's videos and reading comments trying to find ways to solve these problems shows your intelligence.
"Life is not a solo player game." This motivates me to ask for help when I feel helpless. I need to give people to opportunity to reject my request, to find the ones that accept. Thank you, Dr. K.🖤
A co worker and I were joking around on the assembly line at work, seeing if we could make ourselves cry... lmao. She thought of an up coming anniversary of a lost relative, but for me nothing was working, which I thought was a little fucked up. I kept laughing and smiling, so I wondered why I was doing that and realized instead of feeling any sort of sadness what I was doing was before I got close I'd begin picturing the scenario of me trying to cry at work and the comedy behind that. Which then made me realize that this pattern has completely taken over my way of life. I imagine everything and base my actions off my interpretation of my emotional response to the imagination v.s. doing the thing, and experiencing the action. An example would be hanging out with a friend, I'll impulsively imagine how that would be in, using gas, car might break down, they'll be selfish, I'd be more comfortable at home... or getting my car fixed, they're going to over charge me, they won't listen, etc.. and then I never do it. Working out, I'll feel uncomfortable and probably won't make gains, etcetera. And this jaded vicious cycle has almost put me into a choke hold for years under the disguise of light hearted mindfulness, which it once was... I think.. lol. Anyway it worked and I almost burst out on the line before my co worker was like, 😬, no no no!!! Lol, then this video came out, keen to watch and explore this.
i also highly recommend journaling. when you write it down, thoughts transfer to words and it gives a sense of control and awareness to you. it makes you acknowledge the position you are currently in. in the end you will reach this moment of "ok. i get it. this is me. now what should i do?". the rest will come soon, friend.
I used those exact words, today, relaying my helplessness to a friend...futile, what's the point, etc. I told him I was at a point on the fence I could fall on either side...give up and let things fall apart - or DO something about it. Intellectually, I understand this lecture, but the doing is hard. CPTSD really is taxing. Your AA analogy had me go into thoughts about church, and religion. Because isn't the gathering of people at church, and their teachings about how fallible we all are as humans kind of the same principle? We are sinners who make mistakes. But they teach to be accepting and to gain acceptance (through whatever deity). I'm not church-going but I'm now starting to understand some of the appeal. I used to think "hypocrites" about people who try to be 'holy' but I see they really aren't And that's ultimately how I view myself. I'm not redeemable. So it turns out I (we all) need that acceptance. I read that church is full not because they are holy. One doesn't go to the doctor unless they are sick. This analogy is also why Jordan Peterson has been fascinating to listen to as well. It's so interesting to ponder human behavior even in a theological sense and fascinating that it has been kind of a foundation to acceptance of life. And all the bad that can happen. There's still a lot of work ahead to change habits and that feels so difficult.
Dr. K, could you do a video on forgiving those who have manipulated you in the past or at least how to let go of the anger towards them? I've heard the saying that I'm only poisoning myself, but I know that already and I still struggle to let it go.
@@adamofblastworks1517 You're fine. There's a lot to it though. I'm not convinced that there's nothing I can do, and I feel like I'd be betraying myself if I just brushed it under the rug. Plus I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently in the past. I know Dr. K talked about that in the video, but there's value in going over your past mistakes so you can do better. Yes, there's sometimes emotional suffering that comes with that, but there's a part of me that really doesn't care. It wants revenge, no matter what. My problem is probably too deep for a youtube comment. Oh well.
Your videos are so refreshingly good. So many of them have landed for me and this video was just so spot on. Instead of giving cheap, lame 4 steps to overcome learned helplessness your videos actually help. Thank you
I've followed online therapy last year based on ACT and mindfulness and it was extremely useful to me. The first 1,5 month I was still skeptical and that changed slowly after I noticed some differences in myself. Just after the therapy stopped, my relationship broke up and I needed to find a better paying job asap. It has been a very stressful period and yet I've done better these past months then I did the 2,5 year before that. I truly think the therapy helped tremendously with this. I like that I've still got the documentation from the online course that accompanied the therapy and my answers that I can still look at. They recommend to regularly repeat parts so you keep training and working with the skills you learned. It's so practical. I love the parts about how to detach from our thoughts.
20:00 I'm a law student here in the Philippines and this advice is kinda helpful since my grades are usually low and I'm kinda bothered by it. I wanted to be a good lawyer but my grades aren't that high which gives me the notion that I might turn out to be another lawyer stuck at the bottom and has nothing to be proud of. Hearing this advice gives me another Idea on how I should tackle the next school year's challenges.
Acceptance is what helped me grow up from some shitty moments in my life and in all type of situation, were it not pushing an exam, or even having confessed to someone I loved, getting rejected and still keeping them as friends, that's one of the things that changed my life, accepting that they didnt like me back but still staying allowed me to be more honest with them and not expect anything that I wouldnt get. Acceptance was also knowing that a certain place was bad for me and I had to leave, and when I finally decided to do so it was A reset and then I became a new, free person with a new catalogue to choose from what I wanted to do with my life and my time, it was accepting that maybe a certain carreer wasnt my thing or maybe I wasnt ready for that, but that maybe in the future I Will feel ready for another carreer or even rethink about what that one I left really meant and how I may be more ready. Life is not the bad choices or the mistakes we made, there's more to experience beyond those. And now I just realized that you mentioned exactly this situation of staying with someone even after rejection cuz it was mutual it was the reassurement of knowing we were loved by each other even if it wasnt in a romanticway cuz we accepted each other with the good and bad things, even with our anxiety, and we were each other's first person to come to when we needed quality company and I cannot describe how good it is to have a friend of such kind, cuz you grow up together, you learn together when things like this happen
Omfg this video is amazing, bro was spitting facts all over the place, is hard for someone with this problems to recognize all this stuff and resume it this way, this really gave me chills and sense of betterment thank you for this dr k I love you I hope I can apply what I have just learned further in my life
I used to misunderstand acceptance. I thought it meant doing nothing but deluding yourself to be happy about it. What I understand now is acceptance has nothing to do with being happy about anything. It means no more and no less than akknowledging that something is true.
For the last sentence, life is not a solo player game, what if I am really really really good at soloing? what if I have less hardships and obstacles alone? what if I actually am improving and getting my life together, advancing in my career and just generally feeling good like this? I always feel like im wrong for liking being alone. (not lonely, I do see family and have 1 great friend which is the best, I just love minimal drama and upkeep/maintenance im bad at having many friends)
I wish I had someone like y0u to learn from when I was so much younger Dr K. Now in late 30s with so many issues to work through, it feels never ending (I am working on it though!). Thank you so much for your brilliant explanations, and helping me change my life.
I feel helpless because it seems like my big problems are completely out of my control. it's not my behaviors, it's my circumstances that are causing my misery and I'm powerless to fix it.
From my experience, Learned Helplessness can evolve into Acceptance. Sometimes, if you can't get something despite how much you try, you were just not meant to have it, at least not as you are now. See it as a way of God (or fate, or whatever you believe in) lowkey telling you to pursue another path, usually off the beaten path.
That path was the only thing I've found interest in for a career starting point. I don't mean a specific job, I mean that "anything involving any of these various skills or concepts that I find at least some enjoyment and success in." All other broad "paths" have not seemed to be worthwhile, for the long term. Maybe I'm *supposed* to work at a call center for the rest of my life.
If I use social media, it triggers all kinds of unwanted thoughts. But that’s my only place for social connection so far, being disabled & stuck at home. Even using support groups on FB is like a huge competition with strangers. It’s structured like middle school for adults with certain sick people getting all the interactions. I feel sick that this is my only “community” option. It used to be simple and happy on Facebook when it was just a few friends. Now it’s about having a massive audience & thousands of followers and magazine worthy photo spreads. I feel like a failure now and every time I login. I stopped using it and now have zero communication with friends. I would have to chase them all down separately and I’m currently sick with chronic illness, severely. I feel better without it because I have to pretend my life is amazing and act fake or inspirational, or broadcasting sensationalist details of my life to have any interaction on social media. I have to chase people almost daily keeping up with their minutiae, to keep friends or get likes back. The whole system has me depressed out of my mind being homebound.
social media sucks, if you can make connections on there and slowly take them out of there (like 1-1 messaging, WhatsApp, texting, video call) that might be the best thing for you to do. I don't know if you've seen Doctor K's recent video with TH-camr called ironmouse but she's also homebound, and she found a way to make connections through streaming. really empathise with you and I hope you can find a way around this.
I know how you feel. I quit social media (with the sole exception of youtube, I guess) probably about a decade ago, and I definitely feel much better. As you also noted, noticing how much desire it fuels to compete through social peacocking was an eye-opener. That's a good decision. My only advice for avoiding loneliness is actually to get to a place where you're ok with being by yourself, and even enjoying it again. I remember what it was like as a kid just playing with my toys in my room, wholly content to be with my imagination, and I try to use that feeling as a guide, and try to bring a certain level of playfulness to anything I do. This helps in learning to just enjoy the moment again. Personally, this has been exceedingly difficult because I have ADHD/anxiety and OCD, so unwanted thoughts mess with my vibe a lot, but that makes it all the more imperative to learn to enjoy my weird fucked up mind again, as that's also a source of my creativity. Also, not to be rude or harsh, but do you know your FB friends in real life, or are they exclusively online? Cause I just text or talk with my IRL friends on discord if we can't meet in person. If they are IRL friends, ask them to come hang out. Even if they don't, you'll find out who your real friends are either way. It can be hard, but part of healing is also cutting off the dead weight, and I've had to move on from people that were holding me back or that I sunk a lot of time and effort into with no reciprocity. Last suggestion, if you're so inclined (aren't easily addicted) and can afford it is...try an MMO? From my experience, people in games with good communities are extremely welcoming, and they share a lot of naturally overlapping interests. I even made a few friends I would talk to outside of game, though we've since drifted apart since we live in different places, which is the danger of relying on this. And that brings me back to being content with yourself is priority #1. Sorry for the essay, and full disclaimer, I may or may not respond if you do. This is also not medical advice, yada-yada lol. Cheers, good luck and all the best!
I completely feel you. I quit fb a long time ago and quit IG about 6 months ago because it just makes me hate myself. I feel better, but my social circle has shrunk to just a few close friends. We text and call to keep in touch rather than liking each other's posts. That said, I am a member of a private forum for people with my mental health condition. It's part of a paid support group/recovery program. It's been a GREAT way for me to make connections with people online that doesn't feel comparative or performative. Highly recommend if you can find something similar.
thank you all. so many great ideas and unexpected replies. I’ve been so sick and made myself sicker from crying getting to this point, I realize I might be in a medical crisis over it bc I can’t eat or sleep feeling so hated online as no one will speak to me anymore. maybe I will get a like. I usually don’t want to use groups to speak to strangers / although this is heartwarming here. TH-cam comments are not something I’ve done much. I just felt so alone & fights kept starting on my last active FB group after so much trolling & harassment in other groups. I am so grateful for these ideas. I can’t reply more individually now but it helps me see I’m not alone. If I express this on those platforms I of course only get zombie likes and no conversation. It’s probably weird I voice my struggle with FB/IG on those sites anyway to other die hard users. A paid site is a great idea if I can find one. And enjoying solitude is a must! I do! I’m so afraid for my future bc I’m at my sickest right now facing major surgeries - craniotomy and more horrible stuff - no support at all anymore online or IRL except for paid or volunteer caregiver types. It’s my worst nightmare but people just stop speaking to you and other sick people are also sick so they can’t take up the slack left by fake friends and unsupportive family. I’m grateful for your unexpected and wonderful ideas and responses. Now I’m crying with gratitude!
I might just be spewing nonsense here at 3 AM, but forget about facebook, get on discord. Search for some servers that might be of interest, and connect to a more open community with less toxicity and no ads.
Notes: counterfactual thinking: going back in time to rewrite history-thinking about a past that did not happen. Mind focused on the past and hypothesizing a different set of outcomes when struggling in the present: "if only I had studied more." This obviously hits pretty close to home; I feel like I'm consistently thinking in this fashion. Instead of figuring out a plan, the brain devotes cognitive and problem-solving energy goes into rewriting the past, which is obviously impossible. Acceptance takes issues from the past and lets it go-accept where you are now. Sit in the present and look forward to the future positively; learned helplessness makes assumptions about the future that makes you not act today. This highlights the differences. Accepting problems and the present allows you to ask "where do I go from here? What can I do now? What is the first step I can take?" Learned Helplessness is a strategy to avoid pain through avoiding effort: since I'm going to fail, I might as well not try to protect myself from the disappointment of hope. "Shooting for numbness." Difference between apathy and detachment: apathy is a learned helplessness; I don't care, there's no point in trying. Detachment isn't not caring, it's accepting that things are out of your control. > "Detachment isn't about not enjoying life or being numb, it's about letting go of the outcomes of your actions and actually fully devoting yourself to the action itself." Rationalizing isn't being in the present; emotion is fueling rationalization that minimizes the emotion. Being in the present sits with uncomfortable emotions. Avoidance/rationalizing. Maladaptive daydreaming - excessive daydreaming that interferes with the present. Giving up on the future is a pass to avoid bothering with the present. Your mind, then, is able to be totally fine in the present. Learned Helplessness buys you total absolution from all responsibilities today. If you can do something, maybe the situation is your fault. And if you can do something, maybe you need to work your ass off, but you don't want that or for it to be your fault, so you can lean into helplessness and then play video games all day with your addictive mind. Thinking of big, difficult tasks invites "time" into consideration, which your brain identifies as hard and unlikely. You could eat healthy today, no problem. Thinking about dieting for ten months is hard, and if you can't do that, why bother eating healthy today? If you imagine the outcome-a fit physique-that is difficult, that is a large task, which opens up your mind to thoughts like "that's too hard. Don't bother." When the dimension of time enters, you are screwed.
nihilism isn't really giving up. it's the acceptance that true meaning doesn't exist. that meaning is subjective, yet still possible. stoicism and nihilism both accept a truth. simply different truths with different paths to "enlightenment"
I'm programming on some private project while listening to you. While you were talking about helplessness, I lost the hope, that what I'm doing will lead anywhere, so I now have an excuse to play video games. :P
Excatlly what i needed , i was avoiding my emotions , but i was aware that i am not felling my emotions , and with this clip , i finally feel , i feel like these clips comes straight for me , like they are made for the problem i am dealing with. It feels good that Dr.K talks about this topic.
You videos helped me so much throught my journey, thank you very much for sharing these precious pieces of information and for helping the people in need.
I’m starting to understand my problems and addictions through this ‘learned helplessness’ that DR. K mentioned. This is becoming extra clear; and some of that I felt as a called out from my peers are starting to make sense, yet I am able to accept them and gave them a benefit of the doubt while being present in my problems for experimentations. The issues for the things that I can work on that is within my control; while also understanding that thinking about the grand scheme of things often times gets sneaky and makes working on my problems extra hard and potentially makes me want to give up early. Understanding this is a game changer in making the small steps for change. Also very helpful that my understanding towards ‘detachment’ starting to be reframed! Especially understanding the word in the yogic sense, and now being aware of the ‘learned helplessness’, and I was seeing myself into an apathetic for a very long time in the past which I am feeling sad about it now. After several reminders and practices, now I understand ‘detachment’ better that, “detachment is not that I don’t own nothing, but detachment is that nothing owns me”, Knowing that forms an understanding for me around ‘detachment’ which makes me aware of how powerful ‘detachment’ actually is; that in ‘detachment’ to the memoirs of the past, and the fruition of the future; the ‘act’ for the sake of ‘action’ is already a present on its own.
I feel like you often describe the problems pretty well but I’m still always left feeling confused about how to solve them. You talk about acceptance but how? I can’t accept anything. I hate myself, I hate society, I hate that I have to get up every day and do things I don’t want to do. I hate reality, period. I’ve watched this video twice now over the last week and I still have no idea how to accept anything. Right now I feel like if this is how life is, I just don’t even want to live. Everything is so hard. Everything is pain. I’m 28 and it seems like I haven’t matured a day past 15. I feel like I never signed up for all this and it just seems so unfair. I look at “responsible” adults and I’m absolutely dumbfounded. I can’t fathom how anyone could get up and go to work 5 days a week for the rest of their lives. It’s so wrong and immoral to ever ask someone to do that. Yet, every single person in our society is expected to just sit at a desk (or whatever) and WASTE away the vast majority of their lives enriching some CEO, all for the PRIVILEGE of a roof over their heads. By the time the weekend rolls around most people are too tired to do anything anyway. I’m feeling particularly depressed today but I’ve always felt this way as long as I can remember. How can I accept anything when I hate everything about the world we live in? And now I’m completely stuck. I’ve got a mortgage, 20k in student loans for a degree I didn’t finish, credit card debt… not to mention I’ve been a polysubstance addict since I was 15 because the only way I can feel comfortable in my own skin is if I’m on a bunch of drugs. I have a million things I need to do to get my life on track and every single one of them seems impossibly difficult and I just hate it. I hate that my entire existence has been mostly pain since the day I was born. I’m still not sure how accepting any of this is going to help me or the first step to even try. Sorry I’m having a really bad day today. Thanks to anyone who cared enough to read it.
Acceptance and hatred aren't mutually exclusive, as far as I understand. As in, you can accept the fact that you hate something. If you refuse to accept this fact, then it might have just been a fleeting thought or feeling that did not truly mean much to you. If you do accept it, then you can use it to fuel action, either in actively working against the thing you hate or by trying to feel less hate towards that thing. In the case of self-hatred, it's often easier to do the former (self-sabotage, passivity, addictions, unhealthy distractions, etc). In the case of hating the place or whole system in which you're employed, it's easier to simply express that hatred outwardly (as is the case of your comment) rather than take action to improve the system or, at the least, your current work environment. I should be clear that I mean no offense to you or your situation. I also have been struggling to understand what acceptance means or feels like to people who are able to both truly mean it and use it to drive actions with positive outcomes rather than negative ones. It seems to me that it is being conscious about your every decision in the present moment. How do you put that into action when it feels monumentally difficult to even take first step: accepting the situation? I suppose you just have to keep trying. And failing. But sometimes you don't fail. And then comes what people call a "good habit" which is making the first step not a conscious decision anymore, but a subconscious one. So even if you begin by lying to yourself saying you accept yourself and your situation, if it ends up developing a good habit where you no longer have to think about making the conscious effort, then you forget that you were lying to yourself in the first place. So maybe you do need to fake it until you make it, at least to get your foot in the door. I can say that this method has worked for me so far, but when things get in the way of the habit (emergencies, injuries, moving places, 'life happening'), having to return to the conscious decision to start again becomes arguably more difficult. This is, again, just my understanding so far.
I come from an abusive family and have CPTSD. All the stuff he said was spot on. Feeling hopeless about the future that even if I try my hardest probably won't be good enough and still fail. Interesting that all my family would tell me I just have to do this or that to undo a lifetime of abuse, neglect, and trauma, because none of them would ever admit or accept that maybe they weren't always in absolute control of their own lives. They refuse to accept that certain parts of their lives are beyond their control, and in doing so, never do anything about it.
The way I'd word the difference between acceptance and learned hopelessness: Acceptance is about understanding your shortcomings, and thus letting go of insecurites related to those shortcomings. Learned hopelessness on the other hand is about giving in to those insecurites.
This is basically the essence of Stoic principle that Epictetus teaches in Enchiridion. The problem is, as Dr.K says, its incredibly difficult to commit yourself to it consistently
Helplessness- There is no hope because I fricked up in the past. What's the point of doing it again Acceptance- I fricked up in the past, there is a chance I may frick up again, but I am going to do it anyways. Besides, I accepted that there is hope that I will succeed
Okayy I guess I have to accept "I am powerless in the face of my obsessive thoughts" I don't really know how that is going to help me because thoughts are in you head, it's not like alcohol, and I still think that If I figure it out the right way I'll find new information that will stop the anxiety. Like watching this video for example. This is really tricky isn't it?
"When you give someone the opportunity to reject you, you also give them the opportunity to accept you"... except there's only so many times someone gets rejected until they don't want to try anymore.
I think I've mastered trying to archieve things with the little energy and motivation that comes from helpelesness. I don't expect anything and still manage to function. Am I miserable? Yes. But at least I'm getting shit done
18:14 That's actually a good point, and something I've never understood about dating. Like, Im still not sure I quite understand the concept of dating someone without caring for them. What's the point, then?
It's always the same way with his videos, I go "yes, yes, that's me and that aswell" and then the video is over but I did not grasp a concept on what to do.
I nerfed myself, set into my lifestyle, I stopped myself from improving to act dumb and funny. Clown mode for a year. All this to go from loner to being social. Now I have gained addiction, I easily quit. Feels almost irreversible. Motivation starts at night and then no more by tomorrow. I give uo easily.
My problem isn't nicotine, alcohol, video games, or marijuana. It's talking to people. I'm addicted to avoiding talking to people. I can reliably get up at 05:40 every morning, I go to work, and work well (I think). I got a pay raise recently so I must be doing something right. But the people there.. It's so incredibly difficult to open up to them, to the point that I fail to even say good morning to most of them.
"'Since I'm gonna fail, I might as well not try. At least I'll protect myself from the disappointment of hope.' That's what really happens in learned helplessness. Because you learn that hope and failing is painful. So we shoot for neutral, for numbness." -
Dr. K.
OUCH. That described how I was living my life for the last 11 years.
Same boat, different time frame.
Now, we row.
yes also
"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment"
i feel u bro
so what about the ppl who would succeed and still damper in helplessness
is that just one stair up/down from learning life is painful either way..?
If you're in a dark room but you refuse to accept that it's dark, you will also refuse to turn on a light, because you "don't have to." Acceptance leads to change because it allows you to RESPOND to the situation rather than REACT to your feelings.
Well put.
what if i accepts its dark but i dont want to put on a light
@@vivvy_0 wouldn’t that be the learned helplessness discussed in the video? Cause there’s an action you can take that’s in your power but your brain is like “yea it’s dark but the light switch is so far, so why bother” hopefully that’s the right thing from the video, but in the end I think it’s worth to turn on the light switch for the sake of the action
@@kahlilwashington8936 Moreover, you can accept the dark and so what are you going to do about it, if you like it then it's fine but if you want to see things you have to put on a light.
@@qeden thank you, it’s hard wording these things and understanding them to their full extent, it’s definitely a tongue twister but with the brain
Learned Helplessness: "I am a failure"
Acceptance: "I have failed"
I have pretty bad learned helplessness. I can't see myself ever in a successful position in life. I can't see myself ever accomplishing anything in life and it's almost cringe to picture myself doing so. I have really bad self-esteem and no sense of agency. I have no confidence in myself to do anything, even simple tasks. I gave up on life and have apathy towards everything. My life is going terribly but I can't seem to care about what's happening to me. I don't take care of myself at all. If I do manage to accomplish anything, it doesn't make me feel better about myself. I have lots of self-loathing and I have suicidal thoughts just about every day.
It is really hard
Same man it’s hell
Sounds like hell. I’ve been in my own mind’s version of hell at one point as well and, from human to human, I hope you find your way out. You deserve peace.
Going through this every single day
I cannot express to you how much I agree. I'm so sick of positivity culture saying 'give it time' and all those kind of buttery but ultimately shallow phrases. I know myself and I know that the ratio of failures when compared to my successes in my life is so astronimcailly imbalenced that you can literally make an evidence-based conclusion that i am an overwhelming fuck up and i should not be trusted ever. i have intense feelings of shame and i am struggling with sucidal ideation because i know life is just heading towards another string of painful, avoidable fuck ups. and you know what? i'm going to be right. i have mountains of evidence.
”This was extremely helpful, its a shame I wont be able to anything about it.”
- My mind
I've done all three (1) maladaptive daydreaming, (2) thinking about the hopeless future, and (3) contrafactual thinking. Basically wasted 15 years doing nothing because of the trifecta of avoidance of the present combined with learned helplenessness. But never had the language to understand what was happening until I saw this video. It explains a lot.
how are u doing now?
I've heard this exact thing from Dr. K dozens of times in dozens of videos and I still need to be reminded every time >__> (I do have success for a time but then I forget that nugget of wisdom and have to be reminded it's about doing the action for the sake of doing the action)
Bro I feel the same way I have to be reminded of all his sayings even though I’ve heard it all a million times but every single time it is helpful in whatever situation I am in
so just give it your all. start small. your thoughts will beat you up. but you will need to push thru if you can. take back control. AM I GETTING THIS RIGHT?
Samesies... it takes constant reminding. It's so easy to fall back into negative, habitual thought patterns unless I watch/ listen to stuff like this literally every day
We have to set our heart ablaze for rengoku. We have to keep on going keep on burning
I felt the same way, hang in there and remind yourself that - for these ideas to become your actions - your mind needs to experience putting them into play. It starts, like you said, with having to remind yourself many times and that’s ok :) The more you physically go through the action of putting the ideas into practice the more they get molded into your behavior. Soon you won’t even need to remind yourself with videos at all
" 'If I'm hopeless about the future it gives me a free pass from the present and I don't have to do anything right now.' You ever think about that?" 😅 You got me
I believe the self-helpnesses combined with the lack of any real intimacy/support from whether it be a mate, family, friend. And the fact that we try to form connections with others so we don't feel alone. Yet they don't really care or it doesn't go anywhere. It develops this hatred and coldness, the want to not feel. To feel neutral/numb by using substances as well as self isolation.
This makes us addicted to the things that make us feel 'ok'. And to not want to interact with others due to the fear of failure or merely because you know it won't really go anywhere. It causes us to miss opportunities and much more. Its really a vicious cycle...
This doesn't apply to everyone but its something I've been noticing overtime..
i feel the same way, and i feel pretty hopeless tbh
this describes me to a T
Very well put
Yup! You nailed it dude. I feel like I really am progressing, but that's been me for the last decade or so... I am improving, but it's daunting and tedious. You explained that feeling very well. All the best to you.
@Vee Tee reading your comment i started to think that my urge to self isolation, its desperate way that the mind finds to be in the present, when an invalidating enviroment pushes me to past or future. So i think my goal should be in present while in an enviroment that makes me feel bad about myself
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change." ~~Carl Rogers.
As someone with severe obssessive thoughts, I learned with theraphy that you can't trust your own mind and you can create feelings just thinking of them too much. That's very counterintuitive, but I benefited a lot gaining a degree of dissociation. When I can recognize that a thought is recurrent and has no reason to exist other than to stress me, I classify it as obssessive and do my best to ignore it.
It's interesting because I've been a victim of gaslight in my early adolescence so I had to "trust my gut" I needed to believe my thoughts as they were all I had, so it was very hard to look for proof "in the real concrete world".
The mind is something amazingly complicated. Thanks for your videos!
When I supress my feelings I end up lashing out at other people. Probably because of my deep inseceruities though.
@@adelsahib3149 In the beggining it was super hard to tell which were obssessive thoughts and which were, you know, me. I mean, it's stuff happening in your mind, how is it not you? But obssessive thoughts are things that ususally freak me out but the nest day they are gone.
Real life example: sometimes I can't sleep thinking that the building I live is gonna crash on me and I'm gonna die without saying goodbye to my family. It's so bad I sometimes cry myself to sleep, but the next day... I'm good. That's how I know it's not me, because it only happens on specific moments and I can't rationalize it, there's no origin or cause.
If you feel something and the feeling doesn't go away the next day, if it has cause, if someone is making you feel like that, in my experience that is genuine, so you should not ignore it, becase that's how you feel.
I’ve struggled with the same thing. Keep on keeping on.
Dissociation is not a bad thing. Think of it as an emotional fuse: when an electric current gets too strong, the fuse stops it by interrupting the circuit, and you can restart the current by replacing the fuse and solving the problem that caused to fuse to fire. When you dissociate, your brain is stopping your emotions from frying it.
@@phosspatharios9680 what when i maladaptive dream all day and can't actively interact with my environment anymore?
NOTES
Learned helplessness = we lose belief in our own agency. We learn over time that there’s no way to win.
We learn to give up very easily. If something doesn’t work right away, we learn to give up.
Normally - when we face challenges, it is the natural human response to rise up to the challenge and learn how to beat it.
But some people learn, over time, that there’s no way to win.
Acceptance - if we accept what happens in life instead of trying to change it, how does that help?
ACT = Acceptance and Commitment Theory
Acceptance philosophy can lead to good clinical outcomes.
It’s our attempts to resist the addiction that cause most problems.
If we accept the addiction, paradoxically, that is what gives us the power to change it.
For me at least, I tried to accept my negative emotion, specifically this feeling of powerlessness/hopelessness that I kept dealing with, to meditate and focus on it. But this immense feeling of powerlessness and helplessness was way too powerful, and it DID NOT go away just by focusing on it. It was no illusion. I fell back into coping for a few days. It turns out that it was all related to trauma back when I was 6 years old. Once I integrated that, all of the issues related to it melted away. The powerlessness/hopelessness relating to being unlikable and undesirable around people came from real experiences of being rejected, made fun of, and looked down on by peers at a very young age. It was so bad that literally being around any stranger in public made me feel lesser-than, barring a few exceptions like at work or online. These feelings tormented me for over 20 years and kept me from being able to talk to people casually or naturally when there is no obligation. I had an identity of being below other people (barring a few specific circumstances), and that I was hopeless and powerless for anyone to want to be friends with me. But I think I was eventually able to get to resolving that trauma because I tried to accept the emotion and face those feelings, and it eventually revealed what it really was (and then I integrated that part of me). Now I can be around people without feeling like my 6-year-old self. There are still issues, and I still have a lot of trauma, so it's not like life is perfect and all of my issues are magically cured, but it is definitely way better than it was before as that issue tormented me SO badly. So facing and accepting the negative emotions is ultimately a path to healing imo, but I wouldn't say all negative emotions are all illusions or an oasis in a desert. Because those experiences were real things that happened to me, and I had no other way of dealing with it at the time, and to say that those are just empty, rootless emotions is a disservice to my younger self who had no capacity to process such a difficult situation.
I think what makes acceptance difficult for many (also for me) is the notion of fatality - that something or some things they regret in the past have permanently deprived them of something they value so much that without it there is no meaning. Acceptance becomes the acceptance of lack of which they value to death. No sane person would accept that.
You are explaining ego death and it is actually very beneficial! Yes “you”, what you value, your concept of you-ness can DIE and it actually creates a lot of bliss.
But! Be warned, as they say - to practice is zen is to walk a razor’s edge. So it’s a good idea to study such techniques in person with an experienced teacher rather than try it by yourself.
Basically, a lot of people think monks who meditate all the time and accept everything must be sad and bored. But they are actually some of the happiest, engaged, most secure people I’ve ever met.
This gives me better understanding of the problem, but not how to take action on it. I feel like i need a formulated routine or action plan.
good thing they offer coaching programs to address exactly that!
28:00 to the end of the video had me in tears Dr.K. I am typing through the tears haha. But Dr.K ... thank you man. I am going through the darkest time of my life where I feel devoid of all positive emotions. I'm struggling with learned helplessness. But, you gave me some encouragement I needed, and throughout this whole video; I knew what you said was true, I could just never articulate it myself.
It is interesting how others can relate with rewatching Dr. K’s videos tons of times and having to rewatch constantly due to forgetting. Recently been really burned out with the constant video watching though, as helpful as it is… managed to actually watch this one though. Dr. K always helps relieve my anxiety a bit.
something that helped me deal with this is by applying the little bit of information i remembered from the videos and "rediscovering" what dr k talks about through experience. For example: going to social gatherings for my friends because i remembered dr.k saying something about let go of expectation and experience life. When i hung out with my friends at public events, i slowly became more comfortable with myself and others, and understood what dr.k was trying to explain. Sometimes its better to apply the little information u know, rather than to bulk up on a lot of good information u don't end up using later anyways.
unsolicited preaching is sometimes annoying so i apologize for that
hope my bulk of words helps a little.
@@adrianstickling8367 where to find those friends tho?
Really glad I found this video right now. I graduated with my bachelor’s in December and finding gap-year work has been frustrating and failure-mindset-inducing.
Key takeaways:
- you are not your thoughts, but your actions. You don't have to act according to them. 'me' really wanting to eat pizza vs my body wanting fast calories vs my mind/addictiln craving it are all different things.
- to distance yourself from thoughts: notice them, accept them as they are, but realize you can choose to act differently
- dwelling on the past, 'if only' -mentality takes lots of mental capacity. Mindset shift --> accept past and act better now
- don't put introduce concept of time to changin your lifestyle. You can only not eat pizza now. It's not possible to quit it for a day, nor a month. Don't let the devil know in advance
- accepting your addiction lets you gain control. Addiction can't fool you anymorr, because you realize because addiction can fool you and you can't control it in any way
Just at the right time. Thanks Dr. K!
He always delivers, just when I need him
@@zeex5029 Same doe, what a Chad. :3
Same gl 2 u
Acceptance allows reset, and reset is the solution for every problem. Accept the past, understand the present, and then try to turn off and on yourself to keep moving ahead with your life. :)
"life is not a solo player game, its just not"
really powerfull quote
I dont have time to watch the full video, but could you elaborate on what dr k was saying here? Or perhaps link a timestamp? Would gladly appreciate it!
@@Feffff12312 27:40 is where the context begins. The quote is the very last sentence of the whole video.
@@Feffff12312 Come on you don't have 20 minutes free on your day? xd
It's a multi-player game, but a majority of the players < 85iq
@@jeebuskryst9388 Id rather play with someone with low iq than with someone that is intolerant
As someone who cannot afford professional therapy, but desperately wants to continue what I started in therapy, I DEEPLY appreciate these videos. I'll watch them at work, at home. It feels like therapy homework, in the best way. Definitely hoping to get back into professional therapy, but this channel is a tremendous help in the mean time.
14:08 that was my question drk thank you for answering it , I literally started crying after your hamburger example, it felt for a second that I'm actually normal, I hope you would talk about this topic more in the future
"minsan kailangan mo nalang talagang tanggapin yung acceptance"
-Albert Nicholas
Hala may Pinoy. Kamusta kaibigan
This is going to sound odd, but every time I feel helpless I go to your channel and by watching 10 minutes of any video I get a giant motivation boost which is super useful especially in weeks as such when I have tons of tests.
well don't rely on motivation. Videos like this boost motivation but it's always short term, you just got a quick boost of happy chemicals that's it
@@JAKE-ng8yr Motivation is an emergent property, as Dr. K always says. You get it by stacking buffs. Watching Dr. K gives big, long lasting buffs!
Bro I’m 23 years old and I can resonate this video so much. The reason why I resonate this so much is I dwell on past choices. Dwelling on past mistakes causes prolific worry and anxiety of my future because I believe the wrong decisions I’ve made in the past messed up my future.
I feel utterly hopeless about my future
The thing that's really messing me up lately is more, 'idk what else I could possibly try.' I was willing to try so many things and I got thrown on my ass after each and every one, so now I'm just out of ideas.
That kind of sounds similar to my situation. But I think what's going on for me is that I'm using therapy as avoidance. I know me personally I'll go to all these different therapies, try what they say to do and then if it doesn't work right away I give up because the helplessness kicks in and I think "Why try if it might not work?" "am I going to suffer forever?" "Why is this happening to me?" and I would be really scared to try it again because I was afraid of wasting my time because I am suffering and want to get better right now. I think the goal for me now personally is to accept that I'm not going to get better right away and that the things I'm trying may not work for me and that it's ok for me to fail and try something else. I've got to give myself a chance to heal. If I don't I'll just keep on jumping from therapy to therapy until there's no where else to go. It seems that acceptance is key and trying to catch your avoidance behaviors and be aware when you are avoiding is one of the hardest parts. I know I will forget and then realize after the fact that I got caught in my self loathing thought loops, and then it's a battle of not beating myself up about making the mistake of falling for your minds traps. It's very difficult to be aware but I think when you start catching it and replacing it with "I accept that ..." or "I will catch myself next time" kinds of thoughts it helps change your thought patterns. They call that cognitive reframing. I'm still in the beginning fazes of this but I was able to do it for a little bit before and it helped a lot. It can be very difficult to be consistent but I would try to be as forgiving as you can be to yourself when you slip back to old thoughts because it is very difficult to decondition this helplessness loop. Good luck to anyone reading this who is struggling with these kinds of issues. You are much stronger than you realize and just the fact that you are on Dr. K's videos and reading comments trying to find ways to solve these problems shows your intelligence.
"Life is not a solo player game." This motivates me to ask for help when I feel helpless. I need to give people to opportunity to reject my request, to find the ones that accept. Thank you, Dr. K.🖤
A co worker and I were joking around on the assembly line at work, seeing if we could make ourselves cry... lmao. She thought of an up coming anniversary of a lost relative, but for me nothing was working, which I thought was a little fucked up. I kept laughing and smiling, so I wondered why I was doing that and realized instead of feeling any sort of sadness what I was doing was before I got close I'd begin picturing the scenario of me trying to cry at work and the comedy behind that. Which then made me realize that this pattern has completely taken over my way of life. I imagine everything and base my actions off my interpretation of my emotional response to the imagination v.s. doing the thing, and experiencing the action. An example would be hanging out with a friend, I'll impulsively imagine how that would be in, using gas, car might break down, they'll be selfish, I'd be more comfortable at home... or getting my car fixed, they're going to over charge me, they won't listen, etc.. and then I never do it. Working out, I'll feel uncomfortable and probably won't make gains, etcetera. And this jaded vicious cycle has almost put me into a choke hold for years under the disguise of light hearted mindfulness, which it once was... I think.. lol. Anyway it worked and I almost burst out on the line before my co worker was like, 😬, no no no!!! Lol, then this video came out, keen to watch and explore this.
i also highly recommend journaling. when you write it down, thoughts transfer to words and it gives a sense of control and awareness to you. it makes you acknowledge the position you are currently in.
in the end you will reach this moment of "ok. i get it. this is me. now what should i do?". the rest will come soon, friend.
I used those exact words, today, relaying my helplessness to a friend...futile, what's the point, etc. I told him I was at a point on the fence I could fall on either side...give up and let things fall apart - or DO something about it.
Intellectually, I understand this lecture, but the doing is hard. CPTSD really is taxing.
Your AA analogy had me go into thoughts about church, and religion. Because isn't the gathering of people at church, and their teachings about how fallible we all are as humans kind of the same principle? We are sinners who make mistakes. But they teach to be accepting and to gain acceptance (through whatever deity).
I'm not church-going but I'm now starting to understand some of the appeal. I used to think "hypocrites" about people who try to be 'holy' but I see they really aren't And that's ultimately how I view myself. I'm not redeemable.
So it turns out I (we all) need that acceptance. I read that church is full not because they are holy. One doesn't go to the doctor unless they are sick.
This analogy is also why Jordan Peterson has been fascinating to listen to as well. It's so interesting to ponder human behavior even in a theological sense and fascinating that it has been kind of a foundation to acceptance of life. And all the bad that can happen.
There's still a lot of work ahead to change habits and that feels so difficult.
Dr. K, could you do a video on forgiving those who have manipulated you in the past or at least how to let go of the anger towards them? I've heard the saying that I'm only poisoning myself, but I know that already and I still struggle to let it go.
Accept that they did it. Idk
@@adamofblastworks1517 I don't think that applies. If I didn't accept that they did what they did, I wouldn't have something to be angry about.
@@BitterTast3 accept that it happened, and that you can't change it, and avoid them or something, Idk. I'm spitballing.
@@adamofblastworks1517 You're fine. There's a lot to it though. I'm not convinced that there's nothing I can do, and I feel like I'd be betraying myself if I just brushed it under the rug. Plus I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently in the past. I know Dr. K talked about that in the video, but there's value in going over your past mistakes so you can do better. Yes, there's sometimes emotional suffering that comes with that, but there's a part of me that really doesn't care. It wants revenge, no matter what. My problem is probably too deep for a youtube comment. Oh well.
@@BitterTast3 yeah
Your videos are so refreshingly good. So many of them have landed for me and this video was just so spot on. Instead of giving cheap, lame 4 steps to overcome learned helplessness your videos actually help. Thank you
I've followed online therapy last year based on ACT and mindfulness and it was extremely useful to me. The first 1,5 month I was still skeptical and that changed slowly after I noticed some differences in myself.
Just after the therapy stopped, my relationship broke up and I needed to find a better paying job asap. It has been a very stressful period and yet I've done better these past months then I did the 2,5 year before that. I truly think the therapy helped tremendously with this.
I like that I've still got the documentation from the online course that accompanied the therapy and my answers that I can still look at. They recommend to regularly repeat parts so you keep training and working with the skills you learned. It's so practical. I love the parts about how to detach from our thoughts.
My god. This was so inspirational. This is exactly what I needed to hear.
Thanks a lot Dr. K, for bringing about this talk on learned helplessness!! 🔥
“Life is not a solo player game.” Way to sneak that gamer analogy into the end of the video.
This was so cathartic. Thank you so much for all you do and share.
20:00 I'm a law student here in the Philippines and this advice is kinda helpful since my grades are usually low and I'm kinda bothered by it. I wanted to be a good lawyer but my grades aren't that high which gives me the notion that I might turn out to be another lawyer stuck at the bottom and has nothing to be proud of. Hearing this advice gives me another Idea on how I should tackle the next school year's challenges.
Thanks!
Acceptance is what helped me grow up from some shitty moments in my life and in all type of situation, were it not pushing an exam, or even having confessed to someone I loved, getting rejected and still keeping them as friends, that's one of the things that changed my life, accepting that they didnt like me back but still staying allowed me to be more honest with them and not expect anything that I wouldnt get. Acceptance was also knowing that a certain place was bad for me and I had to leave, and when I finally decided to do so it was A reset and then I became a new, free person with a new catalogue to choose from what I wanted to do with my life and my time, it was accepting that maybe a certain carreer wasnt my thing or maybe I wasnt ready for that, but that maybe in the future I Will feel ready for another carreer or even rethink about what that one I left really meant and how I may be more ready. Life is not the bad choices or the mistakes we made, there's more to experience beyond those.
And now I just realized that you mentioned exactly this situation of staying with someone even after rejection cuz it was mutual it was the reassurement of knowing we were loved by each other even if it wasnt in a romanticway cuz we accepted each other with the good and bad things, even with our anxiety, and we were each other's first person to come to when we needed quality company and I cannot describe how good it is to have a friend of such kind, cuz you grow up together, you learn together when things like this happen
you're insane how you articulate the bases of my thoughts and instantly fight back positively
Omfg this video is amazing, bro was spitting facts all over the place, is hard for someone with this problems to recognize all this stuff and resume it this way, this really gave me chills and sense of betterment thank you for this dr k I love you I hope I can apply what I have just learned further in my life
Doc, you just untangled my mind with this vid.
Thanks, from the bottom of my soul.
I used to misunderstand acceptance.
I thought it meant doing nothing but deluding yourself to be happy about it.
What I understand now is acceptance has nothing to do with being happy about anything.
It means no more and no less than akknowledging that something is true.
For the last sentence, life is not a solo player game, what if I am really really really good at soloing? what if I have less hardships and obstacles alone? what if I actually am improving and getting my life together, advancing in my career and just generally feeling good like this?
I always feel like im wrong for liking being alone.
(not lonely, I do see family and have 1 great friend which is the best, I just love minimal drama and upkeep/maintenance im bad at having many friends)
I wish I had someone like y0u to learn from when I was so much younger Dr K. Now in late 30s with so many issues to work through, it feels never ending (I am working on it though!). Thank you so much for your brilliant explanations, and helping me change my life.
I feel helpless because it seems like my big problems are completely out of my control. it's not my behaviors, it's my circumstances that are causing my misery and I'm powerless to fix it.
1:54 OMG Dr K is a Star Trek fan too!!! This guy is AWESOME!! 🤩
Thank you for changing the background! This is so much better than the spiraling green void.
Your words piss me off and make me hate you, I listened to it 3 times last night. Thank you, will be listening again in the future.
I come from the chronice dicease gang and this is a big discusion around people with disabilidies. Thank you for a the hep Doc.
22:43 explains so much of human behavior (or lack of behavior)
From my experience, Learned Helplessness can evolve into Acceptance.
Sometimes, if you can't get something despite how much you try, you were just not meant to have it, at least not as you are now. See it as a way of God (or fate, or whatever you believe in) lowkey telling you to pursue another path, usually off the beaten path.
That path was the only thing I've found interest in for a career starting point.
I don't mean a specific job, I mean that "anything involving any of these various skills or concepts that I find at least some enjoyment and success in." All other broad "paths" have not seemed to be worthwhile, for the long term.
Maybe I'm *supposed* to work at a call center for the rest of my life.
If I use social media, it triggers all kinds of unwanted thoughts. But that’s my only place for social connection so far, being disabled & stuck at home. Even using support groups on FB is like a huge competition with strangers. It’s structured like middle school for adults with certain sick people getting all the interactions. I feel sick that this is my only “community” option.
It used to be simple and happy on Facebook when it was just a few friends. Now it’s about having a massive audience & thousands of followers and magazine worthy photo spreads. I feel like a failure now and every time I login. I stopped using it and now have zero communication with friends.
I would have to chase them all down separately and I’m currently sick with chronic illness, severely. I feel better without it because I have to pretend my life is amazing and act fake or inspirational, or broadcasting sensationalist details of my life to have any interaction on social media. I have to chase people almost daily keeping up with their minutiae, to keep friends or get likes back. The whole system has me depressed out of my mind being homebound.
social media sucks, if you can make connections on there and slowly take them out of there (like 1-1 messaging, WhatsApp, texting, video call) that might be the best thing for you to do. I don't know if you've seen Doctor K's recent video with TH-camr called ironmouse but she's also homebound, and she found a way to make connections through streaming. really empathise with you and I hope you can find a way around this.
I know how you feel. I quit social media (with the sole exception of youtube, I guess) probably about a decade ago, and I definitely feel much better. As you also noted, noticing how much desire it fuels to compete through social peacocking was an eye-opener. That's a good decision. My only advice for avoiding loneliness is actually to get to a place where you're ok with being by yourself, and even enjoying it again. I remember what it was like as a kid just playing with my toys in my room, wholly content to be with my imagination, and I try to use that feeling as a guide, and try to bring a certain level of playfulness to anything I do. This helps in learning to just enjoy the moment again.
Personally, this has been exceedingly difficult because I have ADHD/anxiety and OCD, so unwanted thoughts mess with my vibe a lot, but that makes it all the more imperative to learn to enjoy my weird fucked up mind again, as that's also a source of my creativity.
Also, not to be rude or harsh, but do you know your FB friends in real life, or are they exclusively online? Cause I just text or talk with my IRL friends on discord if we can't meet in person. If they are IRL friends, ask them to come hang out. Even if they don't, you'll find out who your real friends are either way. It can be hard, but part of healing is also cutting off the dead weight, and I've had to move on from people that were holding me back or that I sunk a lot of time and effort into with no reciprocity.
Last suggestion, if you're so inclined (aren't easily addicted) and can afford it is...try an MMO? From my experience, people in games with good communities are extremely welcoming, and they share a lot of naturally overlapping interests. I even made a few friends I would talk to outside of game, though we've since drifted apart since we live in different places, which is the danger of relying on this. And that brings me back to being content with yourself is priority #1.
Sorry for the essay, and full disclaimer, I may or may not respond if you do. This is also not medical advice, yada-yada lol. Cheers, good luck and all the best!
I completely feel you. I quit fb a long time ago and quit IG about 6 months ago because it just makes me hate myself. I feel better, but my social circle has shrunk to just a few close friends. We text and call to keep in touch rather than liking each other's posts.
That said, I am a member of a private forum for people with my mental health condition. It's part of a paid support group/recovery program. It's been a GREAT way for me to make connections with people online that doesn't feel comparative or performative. Highly recommend if you can find something similar.
thank you all. so many great ideas and unexpected replies. I’ve been so sick and made myself sicker from crying getting to this point, I realize I might be in a medical crisis over it bc I can’t eat or sleep feeling so hated online as no one will speak to me anymore. maybe I will get a like. I usually don’t want to use groups to speak to strangers / although this is heartwarming here. TH-cam comments are not something I’ve done much. I just felt so alone & fights kept starting on my last active FB group after so much trolling & harassment in other groups. I am so grateful for these ideas. I can’t reply more individually now but it helps me see I’m not alone. If I express this on those platforms I of course only get zombie likes and no conversation. It’s probably weird I voice my struggle with FB/IG on those sites anyway to other die hard users. A paid site is a great idea if I can find one. And enjoying solitude is a must! I do! I’m so afraid for my future bc I’m at my sickest right now facing major surgeries - craniotomy and more horrible stuff - no support at all anymore online or IRL except for paid or volunteer caregiver types. It’s my worst nightmare but people just stop speaking to you and other sick people are also sick so they can’t take up the slack left by fake friends and unsupportive family. I’m grateful for your unexpected and wonderful ideas and responses. Now I’m crying with gratitude!
I might just be spewing nonsense here at 3 AM, but forget about facebook, get on discord.
Search for some servers that might be of interest, and connect to a more open community with less toxicity and no ads.
Notes:
counterfactual thinking: going back in time to rewrite history-thinking about a past that did not happen.
Mind focused on the past and hypothesizing a different set of outcomes when struggling in the present: "if only I had studied more." This obviously hits pretty close to home; I feel like I'm consistently thinking in this fashion.
Instead of figuring out a plan, the brain devotes cognitive and problem-solving energy goes into rewriting the past, which is obviously impossible.
Acceptance takes issues from the past and lets it go-accept where you are now. Sit in the present and look forward to the future positively; learned helplessness makes assumptions about the future that makes you not act today. This highlights the differences. Accepting problems and the present allows you to ask "where do I go from here? What can I do now? What is the first step I can take?"
Learned Helplessness is a strategy to avoid pain through avoiding effort: since I'm going to fail, I might as well not try to protect myself from the disappointment of hope. "Shooting for numbness."
Difference between apathy and detachment:
apathy is a learned helplessness; I don't care, there's no point in trying. Detachment isn't not caring, it's accepting that things are out of your control.
> "Detachment isn't about not enjoying life or being numb, it's about letting go of the outcomes of your actions and actually fully devoting yourself to the action itself."
Rationalizing isn't being in the present; emotion is fueling rationalization that minimizes the emotion. Being in the present sits with uncomfortable emotions. Avoidance/rationalizing.
Maladaptive daydreaming - excessive daydreaming that interferes with the present.
Giving up on the future is a pass to avoid bothering with the present. Your mind, then, is able to be totally fine in the present. Learned Helplessness buys you total absolution from all responsibilities today. If you can do something, maybe the situation is your fault. And if you can do something, maybe you need to work your ass off, but you don't want that or for it to be your fault, so you can lean into helplessness and then play video games all day with your addictive mind.
Thinking of big, difficult tasks invites "time" into consideration, which your brain identifies as hard and unlikely. You could eat healthy today, no problem. Thinking about dieting for ten months is hard, and if you can't do that, why bother eating healthy today? If you imagine the outcome-a fit physique-that is difficult, that is a large task, which opens up your mind to thoughts like "that's too hard. Don't bother." When the dimension of time enters, you are screwed.
All your clips are heavily centered on precisely whats happening and what i need to hear in my life. Thank you Dr. K
If i had to sum up the video, i would say that the difference between acceptance and learned helplessness is the same as between stoicism and nihilism
nihilism isn't really giving up. it's the acceptance that true meaning doesn't exist. that meaning is subjective, yet still possible.
stoicism and nihilism both accept a truth. simply different truths with different paths to "enlightenment"
this is genius, this videos saves lives
I'm programming on some private project while listening to you.
While you were talking about helplessness, I lost the hope, that what I'm doing will lead anywhere, so I now have an excuse to play video games. :P
Excatlly what i needed , i was avoiding my emotions , but i was aware that i am not felling my emotions , and with this clip , i finally feel , i feel like these clips comes straight for me , like they are made for the problem i am dealing with.
It feels good that Dr.K talks about this topic.
this video makes me feel powerful and free
You videos helped me so much throught my journey, thank you very much for sharing these precious pieces of information and for helping the people in need.
4:06 "Hi My name is Alok.. and I'm an alkoholic" lmao
It is mind blowing how much wisdom is in this 29m:29s video. Lot's of gratitude here for Dr. K and HG. Thank you.
I’m starting to understand my problems and addictions through this ‘learned helplessness’ that DR. K mentioned. This is becoming extra clear; and some of that I felt as a called out from my peers are starting to make sense, yet I am able to accept them and gave them a benefit of the doubt while being present in my problems for experimentations. The issues for the things that I can work on that is within my control; while also understanding that thinking about the grand scheme of things often times gets sneaky and makes working on my problems extra hard and potentially makes me want to give up early. Understanding this is a game changer in making the small steps for change.
Also very helpful that my understanding towards ‘detachment’ starting to be reframed! Especially understanding the word in the yogic sense, and now being aware of the ‘learned helplessness’, and I was seeing myself into an apathetic for a very long time in the past which I am feeling sad about it now. After several reminders and practices, now I understand ‘detachment’ better that,
“detachment is not that I don’t own nothing, but detachment is that nothing owns me”,
Knowing that forms an understanding for me around ‘detachment’ which makes me aware of how powerful ‘detachment’ actually is; that in ‘detachment’ to the memoirs of the past, and the fruition of the future; the ‘act’ for the sake of ‘action’ is already a present on its own.
Thank you very much for this video. I really needed that.
I feel like you often describe the problems pretty well but I’m still always left feeling confused about how to solve them. You talk about acceptance but how? I can’t accept anything. I hate myself, I hate society, I hate that I have to get up every day and do things I don’t want to do. I hate reality, period. I’ve watched this video twice now over the last week and I still have no idea how to accept anything. Right now I feel like if this is how life is, I just don’t even want to live. Everything is so hard. Everything is pain. I’m 28 and it seems like I haven’t matured a day past 15. I feel like I never signed up for all this and it just seems so unfair.
I look at “responsible” adults and I’m absolutely dumbfounded. I can’t fathom how anyone could get up and go to work 5 days a week for the rest of their lives. It’s so wrong and immoral to ever ask someone to do that. Yet, every single person in our society is expected to just sit at a desk (or whatever) and WASTE away the vast majority of their lives enriching some CEO, all for the PRIVILEGE of a roof over their heads. By the time the weekend rolls around most people are too tired to do anything anyway.
I’m feeling particularly depressed today but I’ve always felt this way as long as I can remember. How can I accept anything when I hate everything about the world we live in? And now I’m completely stuck. I’ve got a mortgage, 20k in student loans for a degree I didn’t finish, credit card debt… not to mention I’ve been a polysubstance addict since I was 15 because the only way I can feel comfortable in my own skin is if I’m on a bunch of drugs. I have a million things I need to do to get my life on track and every single one of them seems impossibly difficult and I just hate it. I hate that my entire existence has been mostly pain since the day I was born. I’m still not sure how accepting any of this is going to help me or the first step to even try.
Sorry I’m having a really bad day today. Thanks to anyone who cared enough to read it.
Acceptance and hatred aren't mutually exclusive, as far as I understand. As in, you can accept the fact that you hate something. If you refuse to accept this fact, then it might have just been a fleeting thought or feeling that did not truly mean much to you. If you do accept it, then you can use it to fuel action, either in actively working against the thing you hate or by trying to feel less hate towards that thing.
In the case of self-hatred, it's often easier to do the former (self-sabotage, passivity, addictions, unhealthy distractions, etc). In the case of hating the place or whole system in which you're employed, it's easier to simply express that hatred outwardly (as is the case of your comment) rather than take action to improve the system or, at the least, your current work environment.
I should be clear that I mean no offense to you or your situation. I also have been struggling to understand what acceptance means or feels like to people who are able to both truly mean it and use it to drive actions with positive outcomes rather than negative ones. It seems to me that it is being conscious about your every decision in the present moment. How do you put that into action when it feels monumentally difficult to even take first step: accepting the situation? I suppose you just have to keep trying. And failing. But sometimes you don't fail.
And then comes what people call a "good habit" which is making the first step not a conscious decision anymore, but a subconscious one. So even if you begin by lying to yourself saying you accept yourself and your situation, if it ends up developing a good habit where you no longer have to think about making the conscious effort, then you forget that you were lying to yourself in the first place. So maybe you do need to fake it until you make it, at least to get your foot in the door. I can say that this method has worked for me so far, but when things get in the way of the habit (emergencies, injuries, moving places, 'life happening'), having to return to the conscious decision to start again becomes arguably more difficult.
This is, again, just my understanding so far.
I come from an abusive family and have CPTSD. All the stuff he said was spot on. Feeling hopeless about the future that even if I try my hardest probably won't be good enough and still fail. Interesting that all my family would tell me I just have to do this or that to undo a lifetime of abuse, neglect, and trauma, because none of them would ever admit or accept that maybe they weren't always in absolute control of their own lives. They refuse to accept that certain parts of their lives are beyond their control, and in doing so, never do anything about it.
ok so ur family won't admit that they abused you so you will do nothing? nice reasoning. It's not ur fault but it is your responsibility
The way I'd word the difference between acceptance and learned hopelessness:
Acceptance is about understanding your shortcomings, and thus letting go of insecurites related to those shortcomings.
Learned hopelessness on the other hand is about giving in to those insecurites.
This is basically the essence of Stoic principle that Epictetus teaches in Enchiridion. The problem is, as Dr.K says, its incredibly difficult to commit yourself to it consistently
Love the back ground, I love wathe sea. You are a really good articulater (is that even a word??!! I find you so helpful. 😊
This video is a game changer for me, no words to describe the punches on my face and how scared and hopeful I am
Helplessness- There is no hope because I fricked up in the past. What's the point of doing it again
Acceptance- I fricked up in the past, there is a chance I may frick up again, but I am going to do it anyways. Besides, I accepted that there is hope that I will succeed
“Some people learned that there’s no way to win”
My first thought: So dating in general nowadays.
Thank you Dr.K, just thank you.
Okayy
I guess I have to accept "I am powerless in the face of my obsessive thoughts"
I don't really know how that is going to help me because thoughts are in you head, it's not like alcohol, and I still think that If I figure it out the right way I'll find new information that will stop the anxiety. Like watching this video for example.
This is really tricky isn't it?
I needed this today
Man do I have trouble with acceptance in my life. I’m sure I even have some form of learned helplessness. Trying to break out of it day by day.
Been needing this one for a good while
"I am a failure is actually learned helplessness; what you accept is that you have failed, period."
love your videos Doctor K, they've been the most helpful thing for dealing with my problem
This is exactly what I needed.
"When you give someone the opportunity to reject you, you also give them the opportunity to accept you"... except there's only so many times someone gets rejected until they don't want to try anymore.
I think I've mastered trying to archieve things with the little energy and motivation that comes from helpelesness. I don't expect anything and still manage to function. Am I miserable? Yes. But at least I'm getting shit done
you saved my life again
18:14 That's actually a good point, and something I've never understood about dating. Like, Im still not sure I quite understand the concept of dating someone without caring for them. What's the point, then?
The only one who answers all of my questions
Love you man
Love you man.
Really loving these new intros
It's always the same way with his videos, I go "yes, yes, that's me and that aswell" and then the video is over but I did not grasp a concept on what to do.
man these intros really feel like openers to a horror flick i'm loving it lol
I dont think anything could ever make me feel better about life
I nerfed myself, set into my lifestyle, I stopped myself from improving to act dumb and funny. Clown mode for a year. All this to go from loner to being social. Now I have gained addiction, I easily quit. Feels almost irreversible. Motivation starts at night and then no more by tomorrow. I give uo easily.
Much needed video right now for all!!
My problem isn't nicotine, alcohol, video games, or marijuana. It's talking to people. I'm addicted to avoiding talking to people.
I can reliably get up at 05:40 every morning, I go to work, and work well (I think). I got a pay raise recently so I must be doing something right. But the people there.. It's so incredibly difficult to open up to them, to the point that I fail to even say good morning to most of them.
I'm gonna listen to this video every morning 😆
What incredible content... damn