This is my story: I never knew my race. I was fostered until 4 and then adopted. I grew up in an all white family in California and was very happy until we moved to Georgia into an all white area at the age of 7, where I didn't understand how much race mattered and experienced my first racial slur. At that time, I didn't know anything about race, adoption or anything surrounding those two subjects. I remember when my neighbor threw a rock so hard at my face I could feel the wind of it rush past my ear. He yelled, 'Go back to the country you came from!' I asked my adoptive mom what this could mean, 'what am I?,' meaning what race I am, and "why would someone say that?" She told me I am American just like everyone else. After asking many times and being told 'color doesn't matter' and that I'm like everyone else, this hurt me and left me more lost and isolated with zero answers to what race I am and how to deal with racism. After asking my mom about my adoption, she said that I had a breakdown and was asking 'Why didn't she want me?' My adoptive parents and I rarely discussed adoption after this. Growing up, I decided to stop talking. Why speak when you know no one in your family is telling you the truth about your race and not truly listening to you about wanting to meet your own family? I didn't understand why I felt such an incredible sense of loss and had so much more trouble than my peers. Everyone in my family kept telling me how lucky I was and how many opportunities I had been given. I kept hearing "You should feel grateful" so I trusted the people raising me. I kept thinking, 'Why was I so messed up? Could it be my adoption that's causing this?' I ended up in therapy, hoping to find some answers, "A professional has to be educated on what I am going through" I thought to myself, but each time I brought up that I am adopted they would look at me confused and ask, "Well aren't you grateful??" So by the 5th therapist, I just stopped asking. I knew two other adoptees, one TRA, but neither expressed that sense of loss that I felt. Every time I would ask how they felt about their adoption I would hear "Im grateful". I felt completely Isolated, It made me constantly question, "Why do I feel so awful for no reason? Why do I have these weird fears of homelessness and the overwhelming need taken care of by a motherly figure?”. I had constant obsessive thoughts of suicide, I knew I was in for a very very dark life if I had to live like this for the rest of my existence, I felt like I was a hotel guest in my own home, like I had a thick wall of glass between me and everyone else, and someone was playing an evil trick on me, I couldn't speak, no one cares what is important to me, my family, my skin color, my brothers and sisters, how many do I have? do they look like me? do they talk like me? my boundaries, I couldn't connect with anyone, and I am being ungrateful for it. I asked my mom when I could me my biological mother, thats all that seemed to matter to me, she always replied " When you're 18". I felt like I was imprisoned but no one saw it like I was experiencing it, am I crazy? A professional or one person on the planet could tell me whats happening to me.... My mind was convinced that I had nothing but great opportunities, and I was being ungrateful. My heart was so full of trauma and loss that went unnoticed and unacknowledged. Long story short, I never stopped researching and found several adoption books, specifically "The Primal Wound," that led me out of the 'Adoption Fog.' It was a very dramatic experience that made me question my entire reality! I Had to tell my parents; I couldn't wait to be understood finally! Maybe me and my adoptive father could have a connection I desperately craved my entire life but never got. My adoptive mom passed away in 2010, so I could only tell my father, who is a good man but really not that compassionate. He read "The Primal Wound" and told me, 'I am sorry you went through what you went through. You need to take responsibility, it's in the past.' It just hurt. If he only knew how much responsibility I had to take on at such a young age to study for decades to find out these answers about grief, race, and adoption. I'm still processing my adoption and everything I was told that wasn't true or was true. It's a very strange thing to be called 'lucky' and 'ungrateful' while you are grieving your biological mother or father. I was never told this could be the cause. I never understood all my internal trauma was directly related to being separated from my mother at birth, experiencing lifelong grief that I did not understand, my AP's did not understand, compounded by society telling me I have to feel grateful. Everything just clicked when I understood "The Primal Wound." I wish I could help every suffering adoptee out there looking for answers and who don't have a voice of their own because they've been told to be more grateful. I wish I could tell them their internal feelings are valid. Whatever they may be. Also, I thought I was white until I was 21, I knew I wasn't logically but when everyone around you tells you what you are and you don't know because your AP's did not educate you on it, and you live in an all white area, it's hard to argue. This is why genetic mirroring is so vital. When I met my biological brother. He told me I am Latino, Mexican American. I was so confident after I got validated like that. Unfortunately, when I tell people 'I am Mexican American or Latino,' people commonly respond, 'you're white' or 'you're not a real one, are you?" or "well you're whiter then most Mexicans." It hurts every time. I have felt alone my entire life. And I want to help adoptees who feel isolated know that they are not alone. They are understood. I want there to be a community similar to AA and Al anon where adoptees can share and are actually listened to. It's so vital to be listened to. I'm 39 and I can say confidently that my adoptive parents never really listened to what I was trying to tell them. How could they? They were never educated on relinquishment trauma. I have hope for adoptees who are still suffering. I know strong bonds can be formed and whole human beings can be made. We just have to know what to look for, how to listen, and the adoption agencies need to be held responsible for these issues; they are not teaching adoptive parents about race and trauma." Adoption is not the cause, it is the denial and cover up surrounding these issues, and it is near free to learn and educate yourself on these things by listening to adoptees lived experiences, reading books and learning the history of adoption, it's all available online these days, there is no excuse to be uneducated on adoption and the real needs of adopted children. There is no alternative for racial community & support. - I was in AA for two decades and did my 12 steps multiple times with multiple sponsors and the 4th step is supposed to get to the real deep issues of the human, never once did any sponsor ever think adoption or relinquishment or race had anything to do with my drinking, this is terrifying because AA is known as the "last house on the block" the other options are death, jail and addiction, I would like to add one more option, education on adoption and its history along with self analysis. I have been sober since I had my son and saw what genetic mirroring was truly supposed to feel like, and came out of the "adoption fog" through endless hours of reading books and researching what could be the cause of my internal issues, I am very proud of what I have overcome with zero help. - I have attempted to un alive myself 4X due directly from not understanding I was grieving and experiencing deep rooted feelings of rejection, self loathing, and abandonment that no professional could tell me was from "the primal wound". It is not just the loss of biological family, its the fact I was LEGALLY not allowed to meet my biological family until I was 18. The loss of my real birth certificate, real identity, sealed medical records, genetic mirroring, culture, real name, bio side of my father still doesn't know about me, never seen a picture of what my bio father looks like, I still experience grief about this. Being unseen in my household from being raised color blind, experiencing racism & bullying in complete isolation because every adult around me was white including professionals. The most important things that I think can happen is for adoptive parents and adoptees to educate themselves, ongoing education is #1, education on the history of adoption, education on the different types of trauma, the primal wound, the 7 core issues in adoption, ect... #2 Is simply learning to listen, there is a great practice in the book the primal wound on how to listen to someone without speaking, and on my channel under "how to create bonds by listening". Listen to adult adoptees, we are the voices of the next generation of adoptees, nothings changed much. Color blindness is still common today and it is never ok, race and culture should be supported by never living in an all white neighborhood, always live in a diverse area and get around other adopted children of the same race if possible. Listening to adult adoptees is part of adoption education, we are all saying very similar things over and over again. Learning how to acknowledge and validate another persons experience is vital for adoptive parents to learn for any child of trauma, its a skill that I believe most parents could benefit from, but vital to adoptive parents to learn. Supporting your child's real needs of speaking about, and searching for their biological family when they need to, or bring it up is a major need I still see denied today. Validation and just listening can be extremely powerful in creating bonds. I am still on my education journey in adoption, and hope to learn more so I can be more useful to other people.
Thank you so much. My 55th birthday is in June and I am spending it alone with my adoptive mom who had dementia, living in the middle of nowhere. I do have my pets which really helps. I've been feeling really sad and depressed. My adoption happened when I was 12 days old after a week or so in foster care. I had teenage parents. Closed adoption by wealthy white people who just wanted the image of a family, but had no desire to be parents. I also have white skin but come from Iberian roots. My first memory is of them coming into my room around the age of 2 and a half, to read a goodnight story. They had a book about adoption and read it to me, then said, "We aren't your real parents.". Then they shut off the light and left my room. That was the beginning of the externalization of my abandonment wound and the literal terror that I didn't even know I had. I had no one. I was alone, and played by myself, was made fun of at school. My mother is a cluster B/no empathy, a liar, sadistic, spoke badly about me all my life behind my back. She wrote a lot down that I found after my father died and she came into my care. A lot of learning what I feared was true seeing it in black and white, which she shared with family and family friends. How I "made myself unlovable as a child", and "they just told me what they thought I needed to hear but knew I would amount to NOTHING." this was in the last few years. The one saving grace, was my baby brother Alex. He came along when I was almost 8, also adopted. I remember telling everyone at school that "tomorrow I get my baby brother"...the teacher called my mom to tell her I was a liar, because they knew my mom wasn't pregnant. She told me that story and it made me feel even more like an alien around other kids and my teachers, and my parents. But Alex, he was the one person with no agenda, who loved being loved by me and v/v. I took care of him and spent most of my time with him. My mom would leave him to "cry it out" in his crib, for hours. I would sneak in and hold his little hand until he fell asleep. He was the best brother I could ever ask for. When he was in middle school she sent him away to boarding school and I was alone with her again. My dad just worked all the time and avoided me when he was home. They both used money to control me into adulthood, which a lot of people truly don't understand how that can happen, but it can and does. I know I'm not the only one. I always felt different and alone, attempted suicide in my teens a couple of times. Have felt suicidal most of my life. I wouldn't do it now but the thoughts are there. My parents never even knew or cared. They bought me alcohol and a car and for four years of high school and would send me off drunk in the car. When I finally asked for help, my mother told me to stop trying to get attention. Addiction had always been a struggle for me but I am overcoming that. With no help or support at all. Mostly shame and blame. I never knew that self harm was a result of how much I hated myself. Coming from a toxic family, lead me into toxic relationships where I allowed abuse and to be cheated on and was always "left". Wondering what I did wrong. I seemed to feel that pain more than my peers who told me to just move on and get over things. Believe me, I tried. In 2007 my brother died in a car accident very suddenly at the age of 31, and my world changed so much, the effects keep coming. He was the only person on earth I bonded with. He was my family. I have never been the same. After he died my parents treated me like they wished it was me. They lied to me, sabotaged me, stole from me, helped alienate my own children from me, yet expected me to forget it and live with it as if nothing happened. I lived in a state of Stockholm syndrome for most of my life, in total denial of who my parents really were and how they really felt about me. I "woke up" to the reality of things in my early 40's when an ex pointed out how strange my parents treated me and all of the lying and gaslighting he observed. I had no idea he was doing the same things in our relationship. Other people around me know I am adopted but they have no idea how I feel inside. No idea. I watched a really good lecture on adoption and addiction, and the experience of having no pre-trauma personality, as many adoptees do. I felt that in my soul. I have been to therapy and no one really knows how to teat that. I present as "fine", because that's how we're supposed to be right? You know? But it's taken it's toll. I did find my bio parents and half siblings in my late twenties before I had my first child, mostly for the medical history, but also because of the void. I met them. They were nice at first, but it slowly came out that my bio mom would have gotten an abortion if it was legal, and my bio dad hadn't thought of me since I was born "because it hurt him too much". They don't want me in their lives, they, "moved on". I have four half brothers I was looking forward to knowing, especially after Alex died, but they don't want to know me. I have a half sister who I connected with but she lives quite far away and we have minimal contact, although we do love each other but it's not like how I felt with Alex. I have been married three times, trusted the wrong people, even after well meaning people warned me. I have "red flag blindness" it feels like. I am so used to "earning" love or attention. I don't know how to accept it when it seems real. I don't feel like I deserve it. My entire extended, adopted and biological families have all but written me off. I feel like I am totally alone in this world. It's not just a feeling. It's constant and my reality. My adoptive dad who never approved of me, he just wanted a son, burned to death, and I had to take him off life support three years ago tomorrow. My mom made me do it. My brother died on April 28th and my dad on May 28th. It's the hardest time of the year for me aside from my birthday, which is fast approaching and it's all causing me a lot of stress, depression and anxiety. I am in a relationship with someone who decided they needed to move away for a while to work on themselves, but we are still together. I have been supportive, people pleasing and trying my best to understand what he needs and where he's at. At the same time, I don't feel like he understands me very much at all. People tend to assume that the "pain" is either so deep we never feel it, or that as an adult we should just get over it, or deal, with it. I don't know how. I don't have other adoptees to talk to. When my father died, my mom lost everything because of the dementia. There is no one else to care for her, so I have had to overcome or push down everything she did to me, and how I feel around her, and care for her as best I can on my dime, and I don't have a lot of dimes. I am SO freaking scared and at my age I feel like such an idiot for feeling this way. I miss my brother SO much. I literally have no one to talk to or go to if I need anything. My fiance wants me to move to where he is and I am scared to do that because he could leave again and then where will I be? I'm trying to create a life for myself but it's almost impossible until my mother passes because she is a fully dependent adult. I just wanted to be whole within myself on my 55th year. I wanted to be proud of myself. My kids don't talk to me, because of the toxic family environment I woke up to too late to, and because they are mixed race and I am white and have been told I am inherently racist and a bad person because of that. Which does not help my adopted self at all. My heritage and identity was stolen from me. I was sold to my parents for 6k. I was an object to them. And my kids think I can't relate to their historical struggles and it kills me because I can relate in a very personal way, no matter what skin color my DNA created. My fiance really doesn't understand I feel like a burden. He has his own struggles. Right now I am alone and not knowing what to say or do to change the dynamic. I can talk about it but it just seems to be forgotten the next day. I feel like I will never have a family, aside from my pets. I wonder why, and of course I can't help but put a lot of blame on myself. I know it's not my fault they treated me that way, but my child mind will never accept that. I feel broken and this is the only time or place I have felt safe enough to say these things. Thank you so much, I really can't thank you enough. I appreciate what you are doing and have subscribed. The world just seems empty and hollow, like I shouldn't be here or something. But I know that feeling comes from inside me and not the world, even though the world is quick to reinforce how I feel inside. Much love. Mellissa (my birth name, not my adopted one) I feel a lot of shame attached to the name I was "given" when I was adopted. God bless you.
I am on the verge of tears reading your story because I relate so much, your openness and honesty are honored here. Other adoptees and adoptive parents need to hear these stories to either identity with and know they aren’t alone and to hear what not to do. I can’t put into words how sorry I am for what you have had to deal with alone, I have felt all those things and tried to end my life too, my AP’s manipulated me with money too, gaslighting is extremely hard to get clarity from, I hope this channel brought some sort of clarity or comfort in your situation, I will keep you in my thoughts and send love and positive prayers your way, I can’t thank you enough for writing your story here, it’s vital to hear. If you enjoy reading, studying has helped heal me a ton. Some books have helped me in my process of all my internal shit, “The 7 core issues of adoption and permanency in adoption” “the primal wound” I would recommend studying some books on narcissism and gaslighting, it’s so common in adoption to be gaslit from such a young age it’s so difficult to overcome. Your appreciated. I see you and your pain. Your life is important. You helped me today.
This is my story:
I never knew my race. I was fostered until 4 and then adopted. I grew up in an all white family in California and was very happy until we moved to Georgia into an all white area at the age of 7, where I didn't understand how much race mattered and experienced my first racial slur. At that time, I didn't know anything about race, adoption or anything surrounding those two subjects. I remember when my neighbor threw a rock so hard at my face I could feel the wind of it rush past my ear.
He yelled, 'Go back to the country you came from!' I asked my adoptive mom what this could mean, 'what am I?,' meaning what race I am, and "why would someone say that?" She told me I am American just like everyone else. After asking many times and being told 'color doesn't matter' and that I'm like everyone else, this hurt me and left me more lost and isolated with zero answers to what race I am and how to deal with racism.
After asking my mom about my adoption, she said that I had a breakdown and was asking 'Why didn't she want me?' My adoptive parents and I rarely discussed adoption after this.
Growing up, I decided to stop talking. Why speak when you know no one in your family is telling you the truth about your race and not truly listening to you about wanting to meet your own family? I didn't understand why I felt such an incredible sense of loss and had so much more trouble than my peers. Everyone in my family kept telling me how lucky I was and how many opportunities I had been given. I kept hearing "You should feel grateful" so I trusted the people raising me. I kept thinking, 'Why was I so messed up? Could it be my adoption that's causing this?'
I ended up in therapy, hoping to find some answers, "A professional has to be educated on what I am going through" I thought to myself, but each time I brought up that I am adopted they would look at me confused and ask, "Well aren't you grateful??" So by the 5th therapist, I just stopped asking.
I knew two other adoptees, one TRA, but neither expressed that sense of loss that I felt. Every time I would ask how they felt about their adoption I would hear "Im grateful". I felt completely Isolated, It made me constantly question,
"Why do I feel so awful for no reason? Why do I have these weird fears of homelessness and the overwhelming need taken care of by a motherly figure?”. I had constant obsessive thoughts of suicide, I knew I was in for a very very dark life if I had to live like this for the rest of my existence, I felt like I was a hotel guest in my own home, like I had a thick wall of glass between me and everyone else, and someone was playing an evil trick on me, I couldn't speak, no one cares what is important to me, my family, my skin color, my brothers and sisters, how many do I have? do they look like me? do they talk like me? my boundaries, I couldn't connect with anyone, and I am being ungrateful for it. I asked my mom when I could me my biological mother, thats all that seemed to matter to me, she always replied " When you're 18". I felt like I was imprisoned but no one saw it like I was experiencing it, am I crazy? A professional or one person on the planet could tell me whats happening to me....
My mind was convinced that I had nothing but great opportunities, and I was being ungrateful. My heart was so full of trauma and loss that went unnoticed and unacknowledged. Long story short, I never stopped researching and found several adoption books, specifically "The Primal Wound," that led me out of the 'Adoption Fog.' It was a very dramatic experience that made me question my entire reality! I Had to tell my parents; I couldn't wait to be understood finally! Maybe me and my adoptive father could have a connection I desperately craved my entire life but never got. My adoptive mom passed away in 2010, so I could only tell my father, who is a good man but really not that compassionate.
He read "The Primal Wound" and told me, 'I am sorry you went through what you went through. You need to take responsibility, it's in the past.' It just hurt. If he only knew how much responsibility I had to take on at such a young age to study for decades to find out these answers about grief, race, and adoption. I'm still processing my adoption and everything I was told that wasn't true or was true. It's a very strange thing to be called 'lucky' and 'ungrateful' while you are grieving your biological mother or father. I was never told this could be the cause. I never understood all my internal trauma was directly related to being separated from my mother at birth, experiencing lifelong grief that I did not understand, my AP's did not understand, compounded by society telling me I have to feel grateful.
Everything just clicked when I understood "The Primal Wound." I wish I could help every suffering adoptee out there looking for answers and who don't have a voice of their own because they've been told to be more grateful. I wish I could tell them their internal feelings are valid. Whatever they may be.
Also, I thought I was white until I was 21, I knew I wasn't logically but when everyone around you tells you what you are and you don't know because your AP's did not educate you on it, and you live in an all white area, it's hard to argue. This is why genetic mirroring is so vital. When I met my biological brother. He told me I am Latino, Mexican American. I was so confident after I got validated like that. Unfortunately, when I tell people 'I am Mexican American or Latino,' people commonly respond, 'you're white' or 'you're not a real one, are you?" or "well you're whiter then most Mexicans." It hurts every time.
I have felt alone my entire life. And I want to help adoptees who feel isolated know that they are not alone. They are understood. I want there to be a community similar to AA and Al anon where adoptees can share and are actually listened to. It's so vital to be listened to. I'm 39 and I can say confidently that my adoptive parents never really listened to what I was trying to tell them. How could they? They were never educated on relinquishment trauma. I have hope for adoptees who are still suffering. I know strong bonds can be formed and whole human beings can be made. We just have to know what to look for, how to listen, and the adoption agencies need to be held responsible for these issues; they are not teaching adoptive parents about race and trauma." Adoption is not the cause, it is the denial and cover up surrounding these issues, and it is near free to learn and educate yourself on these things by listening to adoptees lived experiences, reading books and learning the history of adoption, it's all available online these days, there is no excuse to be uneducated on adoption and the real needs of adopted children. There is no alternative for racial community & support.
- I was in AA for two decades and did my 12 steps multiple times with multiple sponsors and the 4th step is supposed to get to the real deep issues of the human, never once did any sponsor ever think adoption or relinquishment or race had anything to do with my drinking, this is terrifying because AA is known as the "last house on the block" the other options are death, jail and addiction, I would like to add one more option, education on adoption and its history along with self analysis. I have been sober since I had my son and saw what genetic mirroring was truly supposed to feel like, and came out of the "adoption fog" through endless hours of reading books and researching what could be the cause of my internal issues, I am very proud of what I have overcome with zero help.
- I have attempted to un alive myself 4X due directly from not understanding I was grieving and experiencing deep rooted feelings of rejection, self loathing, and abandonment that no professional could tell me was from "the primal wound". It is not just the loss of biological family, its the fact I was LEGALLY not allowed to meet my biological family until I was 18. The loss of my real birth certificate, real identity, sealed medical records, genetic mirroring, culture, real name, bio side of my father still doesn't know about me, never seen a picture of what my bio father looks like, I still experience grief about this. Being unseen in my household from being raised color blind, experiencing racism & bullying in complete isolation because every adult around me was white including professionals.
The most important things that I think can happen is for adoptive parents and adoptees to educate themselves, ongoing education is #1, education on the history of adoption, education on the different types of trauma, the primal wound, the 7 core issues in adoption, ect... #2 Is simply learning to listen, there is a great practice in the book the primal wound on how to listen to someone without speaking, and on my channel under "how to create bonds by listening". Listen to adult adoptees, we are the voices of the next generation of adoptees, nothings changed much. Color blindness is still common today and it is never ok, race and culture should be supported by never living in an all white neighborhood, always live in a diverse area and get around other adopted children of the same race if possible. Listening to adult adoptees is part of adoption education, we are all saying very similar things over and over again. Learning how to acknowledge and validate another persons experience is vital for adoptive parents to learn for any child of trauma, its a skill that I believe most parents could benefit from, but vital to adoptive parents to learn. Supporting your child's real needs of speaking about, and searching for their biological family when they need to, or bring it up is a major need I still see denied today. Validation and just listening can be extremely powerful in creating bonds. I am still on my education journey in adoption, and hope to learn more so I can be more useful to other people.
Thank you so much. My 55th birthday is in June and I am spending it alone with my adoptive mom who had dementia, living in the middle of nowhere. I do have my pets which really helps. I've been feeling really sad and depressed. My adoption happened when I was 12 days old after a week or so in foster care. I had teenage parents. Closed adoption by wealthy white people who just wanted the image of a family, but had no desire to be parents. I also have white skin but come from Iberian roots. My first memory is of them coming into my room around the age of 2 and a half, to read a goodnight story. They had a book about adoption and read it to me, then said, "We aren't your real parents.". Then they shut off the light and left my room. That was the beginning of the externalization of my abandonment wound and the literal terror that I didn't even know I had. I had no one. I was alone, and played by myself, was made fun of at school. My mother is a cluster B/no empathy, a liar, sadistic, spoke badly about me all my life behind my back. She wrote a lot down that I found after my father died and she came into my care. A lot of learning what I feared was true seeing it in black and white, which she shared with family and family friends. How I "made myself unlovable as a child", and "they just told me what they thought I needed to hear but knew I would amount to NOTHING." this was in the last few years. The one saving grace, was my baby brother Alex. He came along when I was almost 8, also adopted. I remember telling everyone at school that "tomorrow I get my baby brother"...the teacher called my mom to tell her I was a liar, because they knew my mom wasn't pregnant. She told me that story and it made me feel even more like an alien around other kids and my teachers, and my parents. But Alex, he was the one person with no agenda, who loved being loved by me and v/v. I took care of him and spent most of my time with him. My mom would leave him to "cry it out" in his crib, for hours. I would sneak in and hold his little hand until he fell asleep. He was the best brother I could ever ask for. When he was in middle school she sent him away to boarding school and I was alone with her again. My dad just worked all the time and avoided me when he was home. They both used money to control me into adulthood, which a lot of people truly don't understand how that can happen, but it can and does. I know I'm not the only one. I always felt different and alone, attempted suicide in my teens a couple of times. Have felt suicidal most of my life. I wouldn't do it now but the thoughts are there. My parents never even knew or cared. They bought me alcohol and a car and for four years of high school and would send me off drunk in the car. When I finally asked for help, my mother told me to stop trying to get attention. Addiction had always been a struggle for me but I am overcoming that. With no help or support at all. Mostly shame and blame. I never knew that self harm was a result of how much I hated myself. Coming from a toxic family, lead me into toxic relationships where I allowed abuse and to be cheated on and was always "left". Wondering what I did wrong. I seemed to feel that pain more than my peers who told me to just move on and get over things. Believe me, I tried. In 2007 my brother died in a car accident very suddenly at the age of 31, and my world changed so much, the effects keep coming. He was the only person on earth I bonded with. He was my family. I have never been the same. After he died my parents treated me like they wished it was me. They lied to me, sabotaged me, stole from me, helped alienate my own children from me, yet expected me to forget it and live with it as if nothing happened. I lived in a state of Stockholm syndrome for most of my life, in total denial of who my parents really were and how they really felt about me. I "woke up" to the reality of things in my early 40's when an ex pointed out how strange my parents treated me and all of the lying and gaslighting he observed. I had no idea he was doing the same things in our relationship. Other people around me know I am adopted but they have no idea how I feel inside. No idea. I watched a really good lecture on adoption and addiction, and the experience of having no pre-trauma personality, as many adoptees do. I felt that in my soul. I have been to therapy and no one really knows how to teat that. I present as "fine", because that's how we're supposed to be right? You know? But it's taken it's toll. I did find my bio parents and half siblings in my late twenties before I had my first child, mostly for the medical history, but also because of the void. I met them. They were nice at first, but it slowly came out that my bio mom would have gotten an abortion if it was legal, and my bio dad hadn't thought of me since I was born "because it hurt him too much". They don't want me in their lives, they, "moved on". I have four half brothers I was looking forward to knowing, especially after Alex died, but they don't want to know me. I have a half sister who I connected with but she lives quite far away and we have minimal contact, although we do love each other but it's not like how I felt with Alex. I have been married three times, trusted the wrong people, even after well meaning people warned me. I have "red flag blindness" it feels like. I am so used to "earning" love or attention. I don't know how to accept it when it seems real. I don't feel like I deserve it. My entire extended, adopted and biological families have all but written me off. I feel like I am totally alone in this world. It's not just a feeling. It's constant and my reality. My adoptive dad who never approved of me, he just wanted a son, burned to death, and I had to take him off life support three years ago tomorrow. My mom made me do it. My brother died on April 28th and my dad on May 28th. It's the hardest time of the year for me aside from my birthday, which is fast approaching and it's all causing me a lot of stress, depression and anxiety. I am in a relationship with someone who decided they needed to move away for a while to work on themselves, but we are still together. I have been supportive, people pleasing and trying my best to understand what he needs and where he's at. At the same time, I don't feel like he understands me very much at all. People tend to assume that the "pain" is either so deep we never feel it, or that as an adult we should just get over it, or deal, with it. I don't know how. I don't have other adoptees to talk to. When my father died, my mom lost everything because of the dementia. There is no one else to care for her, so I have had to overcome or push down everything she did to me, and how I feel around her, and care for her as best I can on my dime, and I don't have a lot of dimes. I am SO freaking scared and at my age I feel like such an idiot for feeling this way. I miss my brother SO much. I literally have no one to talk to or go to if I need anything. My fiance wants me to move to where he is and I am scared to do that because he could leave again and then where will I be? I'm trying to create a life for myself but it's almost impossible until my mother passes because she is a fully dependent adult. I just wanted to be whole within myself on my 55th year. I wanted to be proud of myself. My kids don't talk to me, because of the toxic family environment I woke up to too late to, and because they are mixed race and I am white and have been told I am inherently racist and a bad person because of that. Which does not help my adopted self at all. My heritage and identity was stolen from me. I was sold to my parents for 6k. I was an object to them. And my kids think I can't relate to their historical struggles and it kills me because I can relate in a very personal way, no matter what skin color my DNA created. My fiance really doesn't understand I feel like a burden. He has his own struggles. Right now I am alone and not knowing what to say or do to change the dynamic. I can talk about it but it just seems to be forgotten the next day. I feel like I will never have a family, aside from my pets. I wonder why, and of course I can't help but put a lot of blame on myself. I know it's not my fault they treated me that way, but my child mind will never accept that. I feel broken and this is the only time or place I have felt safe enough to say these things. Thank you so much, I really can't thank you enough. I appreciate what you are doing and have subscribed. The world just seems empty and hollow, like I shouldn't be here or something. But I know that feeling comes from inside me and not the world, even though the world is quick to reinforce how I feel inside. Much love. Mellissa (my birth name, not my adopted one) I feel a lot of shame attached to the name I was "given" when I was adopted. God bless you.
I am on the verge of tears reading your story because I relate so much, your openness and honesty are honored here. Other adoptees and adoptive parents need to hear these stories to either identity with and know they aren’t alone and to hear what not to do. I can’t put into words how sorry I am for what you have had to deal with alone, I have felt all those things and tried to end my life too, my AP’s manipulated me with money too, gaslighting is extremely hard to get clarity from, I hope this channel brought some sort of clarity or comfort in your situation, I will keep you in my thoughts and send love and positive prayers your way, I can’t thank you enough for writing your story here, it’s vital to hear. If you enjoy reading, studying has helped heal me a ton. Some books have helped me in my process of all my internal shit, “The 7 core issues of adoption and permanency in adoption” “the primal wound” I would recommend studying some books on narcissism and gaslighting, it’s so common in adoption to be gaslit from such a young age it’s so difficult to overcome. Your appreciated. I see you and your pain. Your life is important. You helped me today.