I had a Gall stone torturing me all weekend. When I said on Sunday I need to go to the ER now, my husband said, it is really annoying that I didnt want to see a doctor on Saturday, it is really inconvenient for him to spend his Sunday evening not relaxed in front of the tv like he had planned. He drove me to the hospital,but made sure I knew what a big sacrifice he made for me.... they kept me there and said, your skin looks really very yellow. Didnt you guys notice that ? No.the TV was more interesting than my health . I divorced that fool and I never regretted it for one second 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Well done. My 1st experience with my ex Narcissist, was being unwell for some time, Dr sent me for a PET scan, ( 1 1/2 hr drive for us) On the way he said they better find something,😢 I was diagnosed with lung cancer I needed a hug going in for surgery, but I had to ask for the hug😮 Recovery at home was horrible, he left me alone because he was too busy with his customers, computer repairs repairs were more important than his wife,s Recovery. I struggled But now 10 yrs cancer free 5 years Narcissist free My heart goes out to you
How about this one: I live in an apartment and my next door elderly lady who befriended us years ago asked us a favour to drive her to the ER in case she feels a heart attack coming. I refused to help her and instead suggested she can always call 911. I don't drive, my partner drives. I didn't want to be inconvenience especially if we are sleeping. Am I being selfish and lacking empathy this way?
@@stepheniedomingo9089Yes 💯 you are , Think of it this way ; if it was you or your's and you had a medical emergency and the neighbor was the only one willing or able to take you , How would you feel if she refused due to sleeping?
They make you question and doubt yourself. They gaslight you. They get you to focus on something that’s meant to be wrong with your experience. Because they can’t get the same fulfilment. They’re envious of your innocence.
They won’t stay on subject matter, they divert by shifting into “conflict mode”, with malicious intent to raise your blood pressure, it’s as unhealthy as smoking cigarettes.
And any chance they can make you feel dumb they take. They speak of you like you are useless if doing something they don't like. The look on their face when they are caught doing that exact same thing is for a yt video. Video your narc with the I'm caught look for a gentle revenge
They’ll Weaponize their own therapy, capitalize on your empathy, and manipulate situations further to their advantage!! Whooooo…that spoke loud and clear!!
Steal and laugh, or borrow and shame you for having the audacity to ask for it back after months! And heaven forbid you mention that it's damaged and it always was!
It was when our newborn baby got desperately ill and I was in the hospital with her that I realized I had no choice but to divorce my narcissist. It took me time to actually do it, but I did accomplish it.
My experience has been that the narcissist uses their health problems as weapons to get you to feel sorry for them. When you realize they do nothing to change their circumstances and then expect you to pick up the pieces of their poor choices, the guilt ends. It's not that you don't want to care, it's that they burn you out in the long run. That is my experience. A person only has so much to give.
When they’re sick, the whole world stops and serves them. When you’re sick, you’re a hassle. I suppose it’s more accurate to say that narcissist weaponize illness to their advantage
My ex mother in law was this way. She refused to take her meds etc. Just so he would dote on her bc her husband was sick of her shit. My ex and her had a weird relationship which I’ve heard is common with narcissists. He was one of the most mentally abusive, manipulative people I’d ever met. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
A relative's husband is just like this. He will weaponize his injuries to make others feel guilty for not helping him more. Meanwhile, his mere presence has tanked my health.
My ex was like this. She coughs up blood when she eats something spicy but she never avoided spicy foods at all and won't get herself checked. And when I get angry at her over something she did, she'd always mention that she just coughed up blood at that moment, putting the attention away from what was being brought out. Of course, in the initial months, I was so worried, but it get so draining in the long run.
My mom broke her knee and I went into full blown ptsd symptoms, so much so that my psychiatrist thought I looked it up because I was textbook. I had no clue what was wrong with me. I was honest about what I was going through and felt, simultaneously crippling shame from not being able to be there for my mom. I had serious anorexia at that point and was going through a toxic relationship. I was NOT trying to be dismissive, I am adopted, with ptsd, adhd, ocd -diagnosed in childhood - and possibly on the spectrum (testing says I am but I am scared to follow up... uh.) I miss a lot of social cues bottom line. Led to misdiagnosis of many conditions including bipolar (which took my adhd meds which were prescribed since grade school.... away from me, and I got worse. The fight with doctors was exhausting because I had no clue what was going on surrounded by narcissistic patterns and probably narcissistic parents, relationships, and I'm adopted so I have had no guarantee of connection even since birth. ) I got so overwhelmed with my mother's knee issue, because I have had many issues myself and was confused about, so I COULDN'T do it. I couldn't take care of her, but I lived with her and had to so I felt abandoned by this expectation that I couldn't handle physically, and mentally and everything at the time. I literally just can't share any emotion or express my needs at all it feels like sometimes. I can't express that. idk what to do because now I'm sick and need help, and all of my relationships are narcissistic AND necessary as I have little to no family and have NO ONE. But I am trying to mask. and can't anymore as I am sick. As verified by doctors. But also invalidated by doctors and I am talking physical issues. Living with N-parents despite the test results and everything, still, they had it worse and I may be on the spectrum but that's gaslit too. I just don't understand. I am trying so hard and can't learn or it feels like that.
This could not be more relevant right now. People throw around "oh youre just such a victim all the time aren't you?" a lot these days. Over even the most major traumas. Thank you for shedding light on this sick and demented behavior.
Alot of rise of this disordee bcs of lack of moral teaching, "free parenting" ultra liberal thing and see these "idols" doing wrong things and the kids growing up to it like monkeys mimic it. "Oh stop be such a weakling".no dude Its wrong what you do haha. I dont feel the same unwelcoming unfriendly behavior in southern countries at all, even close bcs they teach social rules right not twist them. I can speak my mind out without having then ppl want to revenge on you for simple true statements and have a debate. Dont exists as much in southern europe except for some rich spoiled ones. Many ppl victimes of other narcissists turn to such or even worse ones for each generation. Camels nose,boiling frog effect
My narcissistic mother in law said to me that when I was and still am having chemotherapy..."well its not that bad". She didn't even care about her husband's stage 4 lung cancer. She sent his carers away but wasn't looking after him herself. Also no sympathy when I miscarried twice. I can write a book about it.
I feel like combining rhinoceros thinck skin with greyrock + lack of empathy towards them would be a nice combination 😂 Like when they throw a tantrum or pity party just be like "whatever idc ya big baby" 😂
I’m so sorry for your loss. I miscarried very recently my first time being pregnant had to go to hospital for surgery and had same situation with MIL, she never offered me any condolences for my loss and told my fiancé I was lying about miscarrying and to leave me so he left me in hospital. He’s said many times he’d do anything for his mom. Idk how someone could be so cruel :(
I had the same situation, except it’s my step mom, she takes pride in knowing she took my Dad away and blamed me for my miscarriages and subsequent reproductive surgery I had. I found God last year but sometimes I find it hard to forgive them. I do not trust them and Grey rock them frequently. I’ve found a new support system since then. She is like the embodiment of evil under the facade of fake niceness.
@@jthomps733 if I may share my thoughts and make a comment to you from the processes I've been through myself: The Lord can lead you through to the forgiveness. Being angry is a stage of differentiating from them and getting more solid in your faith. It's a healthy honest phase, it has to be part of the process. We don't forgive, we let the Lord forgive in us. He does the work, our job is to surrender and continue to surrender, in trust - but not to read abuse ourselves by doing that in a flat, shallow, inhuman way. And He's mad about it all too because it all comes from the enemy. We know God is an angry God against evil and the hurt that it causes people he loves! Made in his image, we also have passions, likes, dislikes, and righteous anger! I could write a book on that, I hope that my comment helps you in some way. All the best! The process you are understandably going through will lead you to a more enjoyable level of maturity and wholeness in yourself, and closeness with God and in your faith. I can promise! To be angry, righteously indignant, about abuse & hurt etc is a sign of increasing growth, honesty, awareness and wholeness in us! It's a tool for growth. The Lord will use it - as He does everything. Read the Psalms (mostly written by David) about how angry he was at his enemies that attacked his people! Psalms is a place where the writers poured their heart out about such things. It lets us know it's okay for us to be human beings and let God take the wheel. Not to forgive in a fake way when you're not there yet. But let him lead you there in time through a process. A lot of people who accept Christ and I'm assuming that's what you're talking about, feel like they have to jump to some kind of false ego identity of forgiveness because it's the 'right thing to do', instead of going through a process of growth and honesty about things.
My ex went to therapy where he learned that “we” engage in “unilateral decision making” which is therapy speak for my way or the highway. When he disclosed this to me he didn’t say anything about how we needed to practice compromise or in any way get beyond the unilateral decision-making; he just announced that that’s the kind of decision-making we engage in. So in other words, my ex went to therapy to learn to be comfortable with his narcissistic traits, not to change them or work on them as shortcomings. We are now divorced, thank God.
That's what they do, all right. Let them get hold of a buzz word and they'll run with it. Never mind the half of the story they never seem to remember the therapist hasn't heard. 🙄
Freshly home from the hospital after having a C-section and up multiple times at night with my daughter and trying to get her to nurse. But I neglected to keep up with the laundry so got screamed at over that. Some things you just never forget.
This video reminded me of something I try not to think about. After major diagnostic surgery I called my (narc) sister and asked if she would drive with me from Oregon to our hometown (where she still lives) Houston, Tx to MD Anderson cancer center. She begrudgingly said yes and told me how much it would cost me. During our road trip she pitched fits, wouldn't talk or eat because she didn't have Starbucks or some fancy food. I wasn't allowed to listen to music. And I drove the entire trip 5 weeks after surgery. We stopped in Santa Fe because I thought it might be my last time. She told me my cancer diagnosis was making the family ill. Then she got upset because we didn't stay in Santa Fe long and she thought it would be "a mini vacation for her". I cannot tell you how thankful I was when I got to Houston and my best friend of 46 years started going with me to MD Anderson. My narc sister resented it because "I was using your dr. visits to get off work" (teacher) Not once did my sister ask me how I was or gave me a hug. My best friend is the polar opposite. I was very lucky meeting her 46 years ago. To this day I still drive, alone, to Texas for scans and MRIs because I'm not cured. But I'm enjoying living in spite of it and I love road trips with my dog. Nothing is better than the freedom to get in a car and go anywhere I like.
I was the kid who sort of "had their parents number" at a very young age. Because they were both teachers, I wasn't "allowed" to be right about things that made them look "wrong". I thought if I could be 100% correct in what I was saying, provide evidence and facts that I wouldn't be shut down. They just screamed "YOU DON'T KNOW!!"
I have been called too emotional and sensitive for having normal responses to toxic, traumatic or abusive situations. Thankfully learning that is not true as they are gaslighting me and that my feelings are valid. I do find it is their way of deflecting their responsibility for things onto me. They totally do that to distract from their bad behaviour and pretend that I am the problem. Focusing on truths and my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
The jab gave you that and pericarditis is also common. It wasn't from Covid, climate change, or racism, even though the select eXpErTs on TV said so, against all peer reviewed evidence. Sorry these genocidal maniacs deceived you. Good scientists and doctors are working on an antidote. There are some things you can do now to help. Look up Dr Stella Emmanuel, Dr. Peter Mccullough, Dr. Bryan Ardis, and there is plenty more. They have protocols you can apply now. I wouldn't continue trusting the people constantly getting it "wrong", especially when they constantly hold talks and conferences about how there is too many people on Earth and how to reduce that, aka genocide. If you don't believe me now, you definitely will by the end of November 2024, if you make it till then. It's going to get very scary. Prepare your hearts and minds now.
OMG this happened to me too. Only it was my grand daughter who carelessly gave me covid which led to pericarditis, then my daughter was MIA the whole time. One fresh hell after another with these narcs.
Shaming my emotions....I always felt I was the emotional one in our marriage, because he rarely showed any emotions, he seemed so calm and balanced in any situation. I stopped telling him about things that bothered me or about my concerns mostly because there was no reaction. After discovery of a discussion with another woman about meeting for coffee, I told him I am not comfortable with him meeting other women who I did not know or never met. I thought I was being reasonable in my request. It became a referendum on me, he told me that if I have a pretense of creating drama. He met her anyway. Shortly after this, I discovered he was meeting other women. I ended our 35 year marriage.
Yes, same. Jet one of them deal with that drama queen. I'm sure, ironically, that he spilled enough drama on you, even surpassing what you've introduced him to.
I was in my late 40s and taking business courses. In a group of 85 students only 3 got an A and I was one of them. On a visit to my parents I recounted this. Father said, “Look what our little knucklehead did. Mom, bring in more bread.” Brother told a joke quite unrelated and father and SIL laughed and Mom brought in the bread. Life went on. On the first midterm I wrote a near perfect paper, the highest mark in the course.
I so can relate. I told my parents that I had just finished my last two classes and I will be getting my BBA. My narcissistic mother said, "That's nice" and both my parents started talking about something else as if nothing happened.
Sometimes they tend to make themselves the hero of your story and relegate you to a supporting character, all the while re-writing the script to alter history.
My mother passed away December 16th. Yesterday I spent five hours with my narcissistic father. He is definitely a conversational narcissist so I was just acting as a therapist, listening to him. There was twice where I had a thought that I wanted to bring up, but he would continue talking to the point where I would forget what I was going to say. I felt like I was literally swallowing my voice. This was after my dad told me secrets about my mom I had never heard before, tried to smear her character by talking about he's convinced she cheated on him once (they were married for 45 years) he told me she once had an abortion, he even told me that he sent her an email 10 years ago that if she actually cheated on him then he believes she would get cancer and die. This is a lot of sharing but what I'm saying is, I am grieving my mother and I'm 30 years old - my experience does not matter to him, my grief or how what he is sharing may be horrible timing - it's all about his experience. I feel like N O T H I N G when I am around him. Like I am not even a person.
My mother passed away in September, the only positive thing is that I will no longer have to see that being who claims to be my father. As soon as she died, he died. What I have seen towards his lifelong wife in recent years makes zero contact not difficult at all, I don't want him in my life. Your father's game to supply himself would continue without one less piece but it will continue, and do not doubt that he will get worse with age. Consider distancing yourself before it is out of necessity and at a high price!.
@@Ana-p3i4h He will bow down to Jesus Christ. He will meet his maker. I will continue to live for God. And thank you for this reminder. I need to break free. Wishing you the best and thank you.
Absolutely the truth.While enduring flare ups of ulcerative colitis and periferial neuropathy, much of it brought on by narcissistic abuse,my husband yelled and laughed at me,while cursing at me non stop.Insane.
When I was 5 years old I contracted scarlet fever, and had excruciating pain with a fever of 103 for two days. I was put on a couch with a rubber mat with ice placed on me ( it was in the summer) and a coffee table with drinks and food in front of the TV. My family did not give me any medicine or take me to the doctor. They said they had too much work to do to take me anywhere. (they worked as tailors and worked from home). I remember feeling that I must have been a really bad kid for them to not care that I was sick and in pain. I hate feeling sick to this day as I can't allow anyone to help me with things and I feel less than when I am sick. I once had the stomach flu as an adult and a stranger brought me ginger ale to help me and it was a strange feeling to be thought of as being valuable enough to have someone care because of my early experience.
I'm so sorry u had to endure that. Please know that the actions of your family weren't on you. Its odd to feel odd when you're to be simply being thought of with a gingerale! 😮I get it...I been there. I was NEVER allowed to be sick in my mal-nar relationship. I used to secretly hope I would get hit by a car so I could stay in hospital. There I could be cared for. Not raged at for not having any music playing (while I had a migraine) cuz I'm so called "a boring robot" The difference is I was adult who could defend myself to a point. U should not have had to deal with that being so small. May God bless you, keep you and turn your suffering into power to help others 🙏
This is my family with the severe health issues (including brain atrophy (yes, I have scans)) that they caused (yes, they did. They gave me drugs for years without telling me). It's not about my health, it's about them being inconvenienced... It's sickening
Ways narcs minimize your experience: 1. They call your health issues inconvenient 2. They accuse you of showing off when you share your good news 3. They downplay your accomplishments 4. They tell you you're too dramatic, too sensitive 5. They go to therapy to make you seem as ''the bad one''
Thank you. At 41 to learn that I’ve been surrounded by these personality types and I’ve never lived for myself is troublesome. It took burnout to finally take my education and start to apply it to myself. I appreciate your research and your sharing of it. 🌹
When I broke my ankle, one "friend" couldn't handle coming over once a day for two weeks to help fix me food since my walker didn't have a tray and I had to hop with the walker on one foot in a non-walking cast. She got "tired" of having to help me at the two week point and said I was on my own before the doctor wanted me left alone... I had cared for my mother alone for NINE YEARS and this one friend couldn't handle two weeks without fussing and whining? I began to see that day how shallow that friendship truly was.
THIS...this is so what happens! I have questioned if my "best friend of life" is REALLY a friend. I had major back surgery and she will say things to me like, "Your rehab is taking a really long time..." or when I had a family member that was super close to me die she said, "I am flying out to your state to see my other friend...her Dad died and I wanted to be supportive..." I am happier when our conversations are spaced, fluffy, and light because she cannot take on anything empathetically. It just hurts to talk to her. That's not friendship. Of course, if it happens to her...I am the first one she gets a hold of... Tells me I have some work to do here!
Forgive me in advance for being harsh..it comes from being a narc abused empath ❤ So here goes.. She is not your friend. She is making it clear. Cut her lose by using Doc's soul distance techniques. Like u said...keep it light. Also if u are a believer...pray that Yah (God) changes her heart and repairs her defects of character. Also don't forget to pray for YOU. You deserve for these wounds to be bound up and healed. She may not your friend now...or even ever. She may fizzle out once she sees the difference in u. You can give yourself permission to hope without being attached to the outcome. Remember nothing is too hard for Yah. ❤
@@mikawayu1413 No need to apologize for stating the obvious right? She isn't my friend. It's a friendship of length, but not depth. I think I feel guilt we have been friends since we were super young and so I have had to come to these realizations and to allow my feelings (are those ever allowed...lol) to let me know if something is healthy or not. I started to detach last year and only end up in hiccups in this totally "fluffy" relationship IF I take the bait and engage in a deep conversation with her. She only keeps me on the line because she needs me to prop her up when her life falls down. I am not a revolving door....I am a person! I deserve mutuality in my relationships. Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it.
@@cb9825 ...yeah without diagnosis...we are all guessing, but traits and patterns kind of don't lie. Whether it's being selfish and shallow or true NPD...the outcome is the same...PAIN! I am month by month giving space between contact and keeping everything "light and airy" and if she texts me some "emergency"...I am giving less of my time and energy to it. She realizes (I think...) that I am not emotionally available to that anymore. It's been a very one-sided relationship from the beginning. I grew up in an era when people were "friends for life" and that type of loyalty only belongs in healthy, open, reciprocal relationships. I am learning. I am a work in progress in finding healthier relationships and "fluffing out" the old, unhealthy ones and slowly letting them fade off if needs be. Thank you for your reply because you are right...selfish and shallow would be good words to describe her actions and those are not good either.
I ended a 28 year friendship. I only kept her around because "I knew her for so long" but, I sure do wish I cut her off sooner.. it only got worse and got increasingly chaotic in the end. I cringe at the things I dealt with. The first few signs was she lead the conversations and seemed detached when I would talk. It became "normal" in our friendship. It is not normal now that my friendships are healthier.
A very fascinating video, this brings back painful memories which i have been enduring. My relationship of 5 years ended 3 months ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldn't just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counsellor who helped me bring her back
Because you are talking to people who have retained their empathy even in the face of trauma. Because losing someone you love is painful and it helps to talk to someone. Because in the end, EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO. It's been seven months, I hope you are doing better.
I just had surgery to have some melanoma removed and my narcissistic spouse was extremely annoyed that his mom, sister, and my sisters were all calling to check on me post surgery. He totally downplayed everything, and made insensitive comments about the large "ugly" scar left over from the surgery.
my mother recently passed away 2 weeks before Christmas, and when I told my narcissist partner that we, of course, had to make time to see my dad on Christmas Eve, his response was.... "ugh it's going to be all gloomy" 🤯
When I tried to share an experience or be part of the conversation I was told, "It's not about you" with an eye roll. It shut me down completely. Now that I am out of the relationship, I hope I never hear those words again.
I observed this with my sister when my mom was sick and later dying from cancer. I remember my sister saying that if she got sick, she'd have to leave (her husband). I thought that was a very curious thing for her to say but I didn't ask for clarification. I later I realized how narcissistic her husband was and how that rubbed off on her. For many years, I didn't realize her husband was narcissistic because they are a lot older than me. I am the youngest in my family. My mom was dying and she said she had to go to the closing on her house. I was shocked and left speechless. A few days later, she was back and at this point my mom's breathing had changed and we were at her side 24/7. 2 days later, my sister announced that she had been there long enough and was going home. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to say, 'Why? She's not dying fast enough for you, b*tch?!" But I didn't. She left and my mom died the next morning. My sister is not the sister I knew as a child. She gradually changed once she got married and the change was not a good one. Her husband is a cold person. Dr. Ramani, I'd love if you'd talk about how a narcissistic person can unfortunately rub off on some people and they may, in turn, become narcissists themselves. ♥
Probably the narc husband just enforced something that she already had in her personality. As kids we don't always realise what exactly a relative's personality is. I never realized that my mother and her sisters are a toxic mess before I was a grown woman.
Wow I have had cancer twice and my mum and brother have been awful to me the whole time !! Blaming me so much I cannot believe it dr Ramani . Your words are my life !! Thank you as my emotional thinking and trauma bonding and forgetting things has been so tough for me as I’m so forgiving and naive !! Xx❤
I have seen them go MIA as if they never had a nurturing soul from the start, it's very difficult to understand that about them, sickness is an inconvenience to them is all I could think of.
Thanks for this video. It really came at the right time and validates what seems to happening in my life after a critical illness last summer (meningitis and encephalitis). I won't go in to details but suffice it to say that the narcissists in my life expected me to 'bounce back' after a few weeks post hospital stay and resume my duties helping them in their lives. They were dismissive of my brain injury/infection. It's been emotionally painful and shocking but an eye opening experience and I've made some permanent changes to who I want as my medical power of attorney as I age. Again, thanks for this video and all you do, Dr. Ramani.
I’m so sorry you experienced such grave illnesses and thankful you survived. Excellent point about who we appoint. The persons we choose for our Power Of Attorney for Health AND Finances are extreamly important. Be Well.
i learned to not share the good things in life that happened to me , for the very reasons you talk of , i isolate now because of violence from all directions .
My own daughter verbally abused me on the way to a cancer clinic. When she needed to pick me up from the hospital after my surgery for a ruptured appendix, when I was in my late 50s. She was furious. And she had my baby sit my grandson the next day..She scowled and acted rude during appointments with a cancer doctor. She continues to minimize and demean me whenever I speak about myself. If we're talking about her problems, she will talk for hours! If I speak at all, She tells me that I never listen to her. When it's the complete opposite. She tells me that she's tired of hearing my old stories. She snickers and laughs when I'm talking, and now she brings my granddaughter, only 10, and they giggle and smirk whenever I'm trying to explain something. She's much more than just rude. I'm always appalled with her disgusting behavior.
Absolutely spot on about being told that I was wrong to be sensitive and show my emotions after my mum and my sister passed away six months away from each other. DrRamani can you please talk about how to handle grief around a narcissistic partner? I have been left with addressing this narcissistic behaviour rather than addressing my grief. Once again all the attention has been focused on him. I only understand this now after watching your videos recently. I was struggling with this on my own for the last two years but my eyes have opened after being in this relationship for 46 years.
You poor thing! I believe just in the last day-my new coworker is this. My mom passed in December (I was her caregiver for years) and my sister has struggle w an autoimmune disease that got very much worse after moms death. I hope you have some support. It’s strange to be in grief near those who do not acknowledge. I’d love a video on this also.
This especially hurts when you experience these things from members of your own family, especially from your parents or guardians when you are a minor under their care.
Like when i got Covid with hives plus a stomach bug. As i crawled on the floor between the bedroom and bathroom dilerious from the absolute pain, he jumped out of bed and storned of saying "why am i so cursed?!!!" he never offered a wet favecloth, sip of water or his company at all. Bro went straight into minimizing my horrible experience with no shame. I still cant believe that happened, just 3 months ago. Many more like this including when i fell in the shower at 8 months pregnant, where i was made to feel like a crazy person instead. Added to my "ick list" and getting ready to leave soon.
Waiting on him hand and foot when he was sick( bad cold) because he yelled for me constantly rather than get out of bed to make himself food. When I caught it from him, he said" I know how bad you feel so I will go out so you can have some peace and quiet "!!!! No buddy, you stay and wait on me! He didnt of course
I was diagnosed with a painful eye condition and had a severe flare. I was in a relationship with someone who I now believe was a vulnerable narcissist. She drove me to the hospital, dropped me outside and drove off saying she didn't want to pay for the parking. After I was treated she came back, and when I called her out on her behaviour she became the victim, consumed with shame and it became all about her. Later on she panicked about what an inconvenience this would be, as she believed I wouldn't be able to travel and that would mess up her plans. She was very intelligent though and knew how to mask her inconvenience and would never say it directly.
So true…my far and wide enjoyment fun times…my bubble is instantly popped once I return home. Totally shutting down has been common….expressing myself leaves to an argument and usually being my fault.
This is so unbelievably toxic. I'm amazed how some people can survive these relationships during childhood. I did 9 years of therapy to work through my mothers psychopathy. It destroyed my life through complete dysfunction.
When socialising during our first few months I would get kicks from underneath the table during a conversation with friends Until eventually led to me shutting down as I had honestly thought that what I was saying was irrelevant Another occasion occurred during a love bombing experience where he agreed to stop drinking alcohol, while the physical violence stopped He became even more controlling I remember being devastated as at the time I had thought that his rages were caused by alcohol I was so naive & so under his control for decades It ended with me divorcing him after far too many years This channel has helped me so much & being educated in all things Narcissistic I am so grateful to you & from the many comments from your community Thank you to you all
Flipping it! Was the worst thing a narcissist can do. This happened in my marriage when we went to therapy. Im glad he's married to someone else now. But I still meet NPD people and more so in females.
Invalidated emotions for me. Mine would straight face say anytime I shared their actions or words hurt, would say, oh my god, you are not a victim, I am not a bully! What a gaslight!
I hardly speak now. 55 years worth of narcissistic parents, partners and friends. Very difficult to claw myself out of dark rocky crevice but with only a sliver of myself.
I am similar to you. 23 and finding out my whole life has been a lie. Even my best friend of 10 years, the one person I thought i could share my life with.. she dumped me like trash as soon as she got a boyfriend, even though she gaslit me to my face and said she’d never do it again (she had done it once before and I believed her when she said she wouldn’t do it again - I always give second chances).
BINGO!! 👍👍👍😓 I had to pick myself up by my bootstraps in ways where I was internally like a person with muscular dystrophy. Massive somatic dissociation, still because I'm still dealing with them at an older age. I've had to learn - actually out of nearly nothing - to somehow manage to create new neural pathways to affirm and experience my own existence, to truly trust & validate my own experience, both internally and externally! Bc of their disorders and their inconsistent plastic sense of reality (while posturing and swearing they're the most consistent people in the world who can really nail down reality more than anyone ever etc 🙄😖). Their constant gaslighting (even unintentionally on their parts), making me feel like a piece of paper meant to be flattened out and stuck in a drawer in the back somewhere even though because I've had subclinical medical problems all my life likely from the dang stress of it all, and they've had to take care of me in many logistical ways which I hate, literally loathe, and am galled by, bc I'm a very capable, independent natured individual!!) Had to validate my own experiences & existence to avoid feeling all my life like crumpled up and thrown aside because I'm not feeding their mindset & false ego-identity as the outwardly competent - yet internally baby-ish - people that they are. Feeling like nothing I observe is real, their cloudy nebulous delusions are the only thing that's real. I could go on and on, I could write a book. Volumes. Thank you, Dr Ramani! 🧡🍀🙂🏆
I started weight training about two years ago. Closing in on 50 and wanted to be healthier. I managed to transform my body considerably enough to where I receive positive feedback from people. When this happens in front of what I'm sure is my narcissistic wife, she tells people to not give me a big head. Never a single compliment from her. 23 years in now lol.
H previous wife lost her cancer battle. When my time of a cancer diagnosis/surgery came along his response was to state that he’d taken one wife through this and he hadn’t signed up for another. It’s always about them folks. Always.
Whenever I travelled with my parents during my childhood, I used to get very sick in the car and had to listen every single time that all I wanted was to spoil the fun. They would also tell me all my health issues were due to psicological problemas, and I believed them for so long... I lost a lot of opportunities of getting a real diagnose.
My first ‘relationships’ was like this. He was super jealous about everything and criticized every accomplishment I had. I didn’t understand at the time, and thought it was my fault. Learning that it was not my fault and it was his issues not mine. If I get a hint of that unhealthy jealously from anyone now I take a step back to be discerning and protect myself. Wish I knew then what I know now. Thank you Dr Ramani❤
When I was hospitalized, my narcissist husband would call me and yell and curse over having to cook and clean for himself.And tell me I was a terrible person.
Dr. Ramani, Thank you so much. These last three videos follow my life to a "T". My daughter 😮was a shock but I knew (kinda) about my husband who gaslighted me for 57 years. President Trump tells a story about a snake. Unfortunately, a narcissist is great at "fancy footwork " like a magician slight of hand. At 81, I just realize how I have been manipulated. God bless you ❤️ 🙏 for bringing the "truth" for us trapped in narcissistic relationship.
When our mother was dying of cancer, my narc sister loudly complained that she would miss her piano lesson. The palliative care nurse needed to make one last home visit and this interfered with her piano 101 lesson. She cant even play Mary had a little lamb on it so it wasnt as if she was a famous concert pianist.
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and clarity Dr Ramani. 🙏 Your guidance and strategies are actively helping me disentangle from my narcissistic parents after 40 years of abuse.
I moved from my state of origin in 2002 and narc family members still say in 2024, "You're all alone out there..." meaning, come back and be my supply! What limited thinking! They all managed to take trips everywhere but my new state. No contact is really no loss. Once I had my tonsils out and I was in pain in my hospital bed when my narc husband laid his lazy head on my chest telling me just how hard it was at home. I divorced him after 5 months when I discovered the real person, a sociopathic criminal who cheated on me, quit his 3 jobs, beat me up in my kitchen and stole my car! Oh my!
I will never forget the Easter before my graduation from my Master's program in philosophy, my aunt said to me, in my own home no less, that "anyone can do philosophy." I was proud of myself in that moment because I thought it was such an odd and stupid comment, that I replied, "Wow, I wonder why I spent 7 years working my ass off learning too do philosophy when I should have just asked you!" It just came out of my mouth before I thought twice about it, and I know that she was ashamed, but she never apologized.
Yes. I had such a awful time postpartum- I couldn’t bend down and my hair fell out. He would complain about how gross was because I couldn’t clean up after myself. When ppl came over he was nice as pie. Similar issue when I had a head injury. I had post concussion for 3 months. He told me I had a headache for a week. I got hit by a someone a second time and he was called as my emergency contact. He was nice for the staff, then when we got home he screamed at me until I was on the floor sobbing. He is a monster.
I didn’t know much about narcissistic behaviors, but the day after my thyroid surgery I saw a big red flag 🚩 waving right in front of me….I was laying on a hospital bed scared out of my mind as I was having multiple seizures due to complications from my surgery. Meanwhile, my narcissistic partner was comfortably seating on the nearby couch checking his social media. On that moment I realized he was not going to be there for me as we got older.😢
My husband and I had a therapist that was themselves a narcissist. My husband would arrive early and by the time I and our kids arrived, It was family oriented, he would have already been there for a while discussing things without anyone else’s input. It was like two narcissists hunting down their prey. Who would they gang up on and kill this week! I have never quit something so fast in all my life!
My ex told me his therapist said I was being abusive because I asked to spend time with him without discussing his feelings and needs and nauseum while I was struggling with my health. I told him that if he felt that way he should leave. I can't be with someone who receives me as abusive. He tried to get angry that I said "receives me as abusive" rather than rolling over and agreeing that my behaviour was abusive. I stood firm that he should go. He then quickly tried to back peddle that abusive behaviour, to him, wasn't a deal breaker. It was for me. We're getting our divorce hearing next month. I'm never going to put myself last again.
I AUDIBLY gasped at 4:06 because that was almost word for word what my NPD “mother” did to me when I was sent to the hospital for 6 days for sepsis in 2021
I’m most met with silent treatment and empty faces. Followed up by, them talking about something else or "similar" topics, always about THEM or somebody ELSE. Never a; good for you, am so happy for you…
Took my ex to therapy. The therapist thru us out and refused to treat us individually or together after the therapist listened to my ex talk for less than 5 minutes. The therapist told me to run and get out of the relationship. I was completely in shock.
Starting dating on a mutual understanding I'm disabled, never being told my disability is an inconvenience, until a few years later when I am being treated that way. Especially asking for things that have been piling up that are not within my ability to handle physically, & waiting & asking & being told I'm bothering them or get told they'll do it later as more days pass. Until I'm doing it myself, in pain, crying, alone, making sure they aren't around because I know how they will respond. Getting mad/upset at me, why am i pushing myself I know better while there's 3 weeks of garbage & recycling piled up that I am relying on them to do & have to do myself because I deserve not to live in filth & I do it for me because I'd be doing it anyway without them so if they aren't stepping up to not blame me for dealing with the pile they let pile up, etc. I can't go up & down the stairs that require bringing the heavy bins or large bins to the outside trash/recycle without extreme pain & harm that take days to recover from. First few years, none of this ever was an issue. I don't need to be verbally told something I need is an inconvenience when they show/tell me I'm the problem/I'm not communicating, especially if it's on the shared online calendar or they had written it down & forgotten but didn't follow through with a reminder/phone/calendar/self reliance. They ask me to remind them, which turns me being treated like I'm just as annoying as their alarm that they keep snoozing or dismissing that are there to help them in the first place & are there at their request/need to function effectively. Then the times I start doing it after I've asked for days, & it's because of the disability & I just need something moved so I can clean/pack/do the things needed, & I'm upset but making noises to deal with it that sound silly to keep myself at least not absorbing in front of them that I feel so hurt that again it gets pushed aside. Then they leave in a rage, saying they were going to get to it & I'm being impatient. After days & days, only asking when they are in the room or going to it in, that the thing I need moved which takes 30 seconds, is because they don't like being inconvenienced so I ask them to do things as it goes to what they are doing to better suit them as it doesn't ruin a flow/abruptly stop things. I was looking up why I couldn't find a way to talk to them & walking on egg shells came up & I was accused of that just recently but from them, after I had been justifiably upset that they expected me to know what was in their head & they never shared out loud or asked & assumed, etc. So my tone got upset, then I was told I'm triggering them, that they have to walk on egg shells, as they defend themselves. Instead of taking responsibility for not telling me & not communicating their intentions & apologizing for overstepping & violating my autonomy in the joint decision. I even tell them what an effective apology looks like but they never repeat it back to me, unless I am begging/pleading. I love them, I forgive them as they have so much pain. This would be different if they were dedicated to self love, self care, the person I see they have the potential to be. But they aren't taking the steps to help themselves & not using the platforms I give readily while they still say they are falling & refuse to grab on to get themselves up. Everything gets put off. When I say 'if not now, when?, there is no inner reflection, just a shrug, no hard plan for that self improvement, etc. Been together through so much, through getting them help from their own narcissistic abuse, to being there for their big emotions that needed someone, I love everything about them, all they have to do is change the voices in their head, instead of hating themselves send themselves love. But no matter how much I ask/hear/see/communicate, they keep self hating. They admit everything I say is true. They get upset when someone says that they were hurt by them because they don't intend to, but defend themselves instead of taking responsibility. It is the not taking responsibility, & still trying to control the other person, that I understand I cannot do/say anything that will help them. When they try to tell me I am hurting them, I ask them to break it down, we talk about it. When they find out that they had misunderstood, they don't take corrective action. When we talk & it is something that I had said incorrectly or could be not understood because of whatever reason, I apologize, & immediately validate & say I recognize how that could come across, I reiterate how & even more ways it could if there are, to really show I am seeing their perspective. Then I try to communicate to ask them to see how them doing the same miscommunication/unintentional misstep that leads to misunderstanding doesn't warrant the same apology/mutual understanding, they shut down. They blame their memory, ADHD things they also don't take responsibility for when they impose/effect someone else, as I have ADHD & I don't do anything like they do nor blame it as the excuse, I do mention it can cause it so i will do x or y to make sure it doesn't happen again & follow through consistently after that. I'm never late, I'm always early, because I know my disability & it's my responsibility to make sure I can function effectively around others so I am not effecting/affecting them negatively as they are giving me their time/effort/help/etc. (Example. When/if a Dr apologizes for a 30 minute late appointment, I tell them not to apologize because if they are willing to take the time with one patient for something they need, that tells me a lot that they care & aren't pushing people out every 15 minutes like nothing & often I am given the same treatment of more time if I need it with no judgment or pressure to leave faster when I have a medical need. I am grateful that I arrived early, it sucks i gotta wait longer, but I my needs met & don't cause others problems by being late. I don't use my time-blindness as an excuse, if I make a mistake I look at all ways I can go about working with my disability, instead of being mad it exists & blaming it & not working to be/do better for myself.)
Yep, my narc sister weaponized her own therapy and gaslighted me into believing (a) that she was an expert on mental health, (b) had enough knowledge to treat me when I was going through a mental breakdown, (c) that I had either BPD or NDP. After going no contact, I did therapy on my own and realized how grandiose it was of her to weaponize her therapy experience like that, how much that messed me up and made things worse, and that I have neither NPD or BPD. The self-shame is intense to this day, over how much I let myself listen to and believe her.
When my relationship got worse, I called home upset asking to move back because things had gotten so bad. My older sister happened to answer and spent 45 minutes convincing me it was all in my head... I stayed, it almost cost me my life
Or they love it that you were hospitalized because they get attention, gifts, sympathy cards.... meanwhile as an underage you're getting questioned by the nurse about the safety of your home situation. You don't know. Then your mother "scolds" you behind the closed doors. "How dare you ____."
Thank you! This is happening in my life right now and since 1-1-24 but to a close family member and I am too disabled to help them sit at the hospital! 😢😢😢 I’m seeing and hearing such hurtful things but always indirectly! My hearts broken in two ways now! 😢😢
in my experience, some narcissists will use your illness or whatever reason that you've been unable to manage their needs as a public license to replace you and also gain support as a victim of your neglect. On the other hand, I have another narc in my life who LOOOOVES when opportunities like this arise, and the minute their boyfriend or mother is ill they get on the phone to anyone who will answer just rolling their eyes about the new workload and "only him, only my boyfriend would get sick right now, or oh here goes my mother again, sick for the 2nd time this year" just basking in the rays of support and their hero complex is inflating to unknowable heights meanwhile the person who is ill is treated like they deserved the illness for their behavior. in any event its an attention grab that aggrandizes the narc and also turns the situation into an experience of never ending support and praise, meanwhile the sick person is a fool who can't help but make bad decisions without direction and much hand holding from the narc. But the funny thing is the narcs are so co-dependent on this persons humanities they will never leave. They NEED you to fail otherwise they will victimize you and blame you for it to receive praise.
My mom winds me up, when I react, she tells everyone what kind of person I am. By the time I come back from work.. I'm quite. She is super nice to me.. like she is ideal mom. Ppl hate me after that.. she becomes the good mom. I become the bad kid. I realised this after I started observing.
Sometimes your narc likes it when you're sick so you have to become more dependent on them and they can perform and show how helpful they are. Boosts their ego and gives them more control.
Our son was diagnosed with cancer at 8 yrs old. He was in hospital an hour away from home, so I (mom) stayed there. He was to have his first treatment so I phoned his dad to come to support us. His angry response: I have to cut the grass!
I feel like this is beyond Narc behavior. This is how (some) men handle emotional situations. Anything to avoid the cold hard truth and being vulnerable. They will do anything but face the music which defaults to the mother to handling all of the blows life throws us. Men like this are only available for praise and recognition and other than that will be avoiding reality in the garage.
“At least you’re not dead” my narcissistic partner of 23 years screamed at me when I was struggling to recover from full hysterectomy after womb cancer at 48 yrs old. My surgical menopause was a massive inconvenience for her and she just couldn’t be arsed with me. I think she only didn’t leave me then because of what other people would think about her. I’ve been traumatised ever since this relationship ended in Nov last year. Cptsd symptoms and I cannot cope.
When I was hitting the rock bottom of my depression and anxiety my mom complained that she felt she had to "walk on eggshells" around me. Definately did not help me feel better at all
My mum does this a lot in my childhood. Like she would keep the bedsheets away, and ask me if I took it, and if I say I didn't she would say she saw me.. etc and five days later I find it in her cupboard. She calls me bluff a lot. My ex would do the same. I told ppl abt it. They would make excuses for them or tell me it's my mother it's okay. The result is. I take everything in writing from them and even at work. I do the briefing and take minutes etc.. keep records of everything for my mental security.
My boss would tell me I needed to be happier when she was happy. Then when she would do something very upsetting and I would ask her to stop and say I felt bad. Her reply was that work is not a place for feelings but facts. The final event was her sending me a threatening to terminate email at 11:30pm because I was not behaving as she wanted. And on the next day she said "I am just trying to explain how serious the situation was and the need for you to work on yourself", she said I was overthinking the email.
To add to what a therapist may or may not say... Therapy is about healing yourself, looking at, and changing your own behaviours; it's not about changing another person's behaviour because you have no control over anyone else, you only have control over yourself.
I had a Gall stone torturing me all weekend. When I said on Sunday I need to go to the ER now, my husband said, it is really annoying that I didnt want to see a doctor on Saturday, it is really inconvenient for him to spend his Sunday evening not relaxed in front of the tv like he had planned. He drove me to the hospital,but made sure I knew what a big sacrifice he made for me.... they kept me there and said, your skin looks really very yellow. Didnt you guys notice that ? No.the TV was more interesting than my health .
I divorced that fool and I never regretted it for one second 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Well done.
My 1st experience with my ex Narcissist, was being unwell for some time, Dr sent me for a PET scan, ( 1 1/2 hr drive for us)
On the way he said they better find something,😢
I was diagnosed with lung cancer
I needed a hug going in for surgery, but I had to ask for the hug😮
Recovery at home was horrible, he left me alone because he was too busy with his customers, computer repairs repairs were more important than his wife,s Recovery.
I struggled
But now 10 yrs cancer free
5 years Narcissist free
My heart goes out to you
Good for you! Hope your health is ok
How about this one: I live in an apartment and my next door elderly lady who befriended us years ago asked us a favour to drive her to the ER in case she feels a heart attack coming. I refused to help her and instead suggested she can always call 911. I don't drive, my partner drives. I didn't want to be inconvenience especially if we are sleeping. Am I being selfish and lacking empathy this way?
@@stepheniedomingo9089Yes 💯 you are , Think of it this way ; if it was you or your's and you had a medical emergency and the neighbor was the only one willing or able to take you , How would you feel if she refused due to sleeping?
They make you question and doubt yourself. They gaslight you. They get you to focus on something that’s meant to be wrong with your experience. Because they can’t get the same fulfilment. They’re envious of your innocence.
They won’t stay on subject matter, they divert by shifting into “conflict mode”, with malicious intent to raise your blood pressure, it’s as unhealthy as smoking cigarettes.
More spam
Envious of your Innocence.
And any chance they can make you feel dumb they take. They speak of you like you are useless if doing something they don't like. The look on their face when they are caught doing that exact same thing is for a yt video. Video your narc with the I'm caught look for a gentle revenge
I can write a book on this subject.
It's highly predictable because a narcissist only sees you as a functionary to meet their needs, not as a person.
Wow! Well said. Right on the mark in few words.
They think you are just a source of supply, so cut off supply completely. ✂
Well said. Narcisist can be the source of illness (and dont want to do somethning with that) but they will shame you for fall sick.
Realizing this with coworker.
They minimize our needs and as the time goes on we start to minimize our needs..eventually we are the one's to suffer..
Thus,illness
Just having anything to do with them minimizes our experiences.
They’ll Weaponize their own therapy, capitalize on your empathy, and manipulate situations further to their advantage!! Whooooo…that spoke loud and clear!!
This !
Yes, SHARING is CARING. But narcissists only like TAKING. They'll either steal it or ask to borrow something and never return it.
Some will give to feel rich and powerful and have ownership of you
My life is a few sentences.
Yup, yup, and yup 👍 🙌 👏
I noticed they that love to take but not give back! They can not reciprocate because they feel so entitled.
Steal and laugh, or borrow and shame you for having the audacity to ask for it back after months! And heaven forbid you mention that it's damaged and it always was!
It was when our newborn baby got desperately ill and I was in the hospital with her that I realized I had no choice but to divorce my narcissist. It took me time to actually do it, but I did accomplish it.
Good for you!
My experience has been that the narcissist uses their health problems as weapons to get you to feel sorry for them. When you realize they do nothing to change their circumstances and then expect you to pick up the pieces of their poor choices, the guilt ends. It's not that you don't want to care, it's that they burn you out in the long run. That is my experience. A person only has so much to give.
When they’re sick, the whole world stops and serves them. When you’re sick, you’re a hassle. I suppose it’s more accurate to say that narcissist weaponize illness to their advantage
My ex mother in law was this way. She refused to take her meds etc. Just so he would dote on her bc her husband was sick of her shit. My ex and her had a weird relationship which I’ve heard is common with narcissists. He was one of the most mentally abusive, manipulative people I’d ever met. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
A relative's husband is just like this. He will weaponize his injuries to make others feel guilty for not helping him more. Meanwhile, his mere presence has tanked my health.
My ex was like this. She coughs up blood when she eats something spicy but she never avoided spicy foods at all and won't get herself checked. And when I get angry at her over something she did, she'd always mention that she just coughed up blood at that moment, putting the attention away from what was being brought out. Of course, in the initial months, I was so worried, but it get so draining in the long run.
My mom broke her knee and I went into full blown ptsd symptoms, so much so that my psychiatrist thought I looked it up because I was textbook. I had no clue what was wrong with me. I was honest about what I was going through and felt, simultaneously crippling shame from not being able to be there for my mom. I had serious anorexia at that point and was going through a toxic relationship. I was NOT trying to be dismissive, I am adopted, with ptsd, adhd, ocd -diagnosed in childhood - and possibly on the spectrum (testing says I am but I am scared to follow up... uh.) I miss a lot of social cues bottom line. Led to misdiagnosis of many conditions including bipolar (which took my adhd meds which were prescribed since grade school.... away from me, and I got worse. The fight with doctors was exhausting because I had no clue what was going on surrounded by narcissistic patterns and probably narcissistic parents, relationships, and I'm adopted so I have had no guarantee of connection even since birth. ) I got so overwhelmed with my mother's knee issue, because I have had many issues myself and was confused about, so I COULDN'T do it. I couldn't take care of her, but I lived with her and had to so I felt abandoned by this expectation that I couldn't handle physically, and mentally and everything at the time. I literally just can't share any emotion or express my needs at all it feels like sometimes. I can't express that. idk what to do because now I'm sick and need help, and all of my relationships are narcissistic AND necessary as I have little to no family and have NO ONE. But I am trying to mask. and can't anymore as I am sick. As verified by doctors. But also invalidated by doctors and I am talking physical issues. Living with N-parents despite the test results and everything, still, they had it worse and I may be on the spectrum but that's gaslit too. I just don't understand. I am trying so hard and can't learn or it feels like that.
This could not be more relevant right now. People throw around "oh youre just such a victim all the time aren't you?" a lot these days. Over even the most major traumas. Thank you for shedding light on this sick and demented behavior.
Alot of rise of this disordee bcs of lack of moral teaching, "free parenting" ultra liberal thing and see these "idols" doing wrong things and the kids growing up to it like monkeys mimic it. "Oh stop be such a weakling".no dude Its wrong what you do haha. I dont feel the same unwelcoming unfriendly behavior in southern countries at all, even close bcs they teach social rules right not twist them. I can speak my mind out without having then ppl want to revenge on you for simple true statements and have a debate. Dont exists as much in southern europe except for some rich spoiled ones. Many ppl victimes of other narcissists turn to such or even worse ones for each generation.
Camels nose,boiling frog effect
Who do you think you are being the victim, I"M THE VICTIM! Get your own grift.
My narcissistic mother in law said to me that when I was and still am having chemotherapy..."well its not that bad". She didn't even care about her husband's stage 4 lung cancer. She sent his carers away but wasn't looking after him herself.
Also no sympathy when I miscarried twice.
I can write a book about it.
I feel like combining rhinoceros thinck skin with greyrock + lack of empathy towards them would be a nice combination 😂
Like when they throw a tantrum or pity party just be like "whatever idc ya big baby" 😂
I’m so sorry for your loss. I miscarried very recently my first time being pregnant had to go to hospital for surgery and had same situation with MIL, she never offered me any condolences for my loss and told my fiancé I was lying about miscarrying and to leave me so he left me in hospital. He’s said many times he’d do anything for his mom. Idk how someone could be so cruel :(
Wow, the original comment is 100% changed, from what i responded too (lol).
She sounds like a terrible person
I had the same situation, except it’s my step mom, she takes pride in knowing she took my Dad away and blamed me for my miscarriages and subsequent reproductive surgery I had. I found God last year but sometimes I find it hard to forgive them. I do not trust them and Grey rock them frequently. I’ve found a new support system since then. She is like the embodiment of evil under the facade of fake niceness.
@@jthomps733 if I may share my thoughts and make a comment to you from the processes I've been through myself:
The Lord can lead you through to the forgiveness. Being angry is a stage of differentiating from them and getting more solid in your faith.
It's a healthy honest phase, it has to be part of the process.
We don't forgive, we let the Lord forgive in us. He does the work, our job is to surrender and continue to surrender, in trust - but not to read abuse ourselves by doing that in a flat, shallow, inhuman way.
And He's mad about it all too because it all comes from the enemy. We know God is an angry God against evil and the hurt that it causes people he loves! Made in his image, we also have passions, likes, dislikes, and righteous anger!
I could write a book on that, I hope that my comment helps you in some way. All the best!
The process you are understandably going through will lead you to a more enjoyable level of maturity and wholeness in yourself, and closeness with God and in your faith. I can promise!
To be angry, righteously indignant, about abuse & hurt etc is a sign of increasing growth, honesty, awareness and wholeness in us! It's a tool for growth. The Lord will use it - as He does everything.
Read the Psalms (mostly written by David) about how angry he was at his enemies that attacked his people! Psalms is a place where the writers poured their heart out about such things. It lets us know it's okay for us to be human beings and let God take the wheel. Not to forgive in a fake way when you're not there yet. But let him lead you there in time through a process. A lot of people who accept Christ and I'm assuming that's what you're talking about, feel like they have to jump to some kind of false ego identity of forgiveness because it's the 'right thing to do', instead of going through a process of growth and honesty about things.
“They blame you for your illness” hit dead on! Had the flu and they were mad I didn’t do the dishes when I couldn’t even get out of bed!
My ex went to therapy where he learned that “we” engage in “unilateral decision making” which is therapy speak for my way or the highway. When he disclosed this to me he didn’t say anything about how we needed to practice compromise or in any way get beyond the unilateral decision-making; he just announced that that’s the kind of decision-making we engage in. So in other words, my ex went to therapy to learn to be comfortable with his narcissistic traits, not to change them or work on them as shortcomings. We are now divorced, thank God.
Wow he sounds like a psycho, glad you got rid of him.
That's what they do, all right. Let them get hold of a buzz word and they'll run with it. Never mind the half of the story they never seem to remember the therapist hasn't heard. 🙄
@@cc1k435right! that's why I don't tell my narc mother that she is a narc. She will have an energy boost toying with the new terminology🤣
I am so glad I'm no longer with the narcissist. I'm finally recovering from months of fighting pneumonia.
All that narc abuse really affects your immune system. Glad you have recovered.
Glad for you, too.❤
Freshly home from the hospital after having a C-section and up multiple times at night with my daughter and trying to get her to nurse. But I neglected to keep up with the laundry so got screamed at over that. Some things you just never forget.
Nor should you. No excuse for not helping! ❤
This video reminded me of something I try not to think about. After major diagnostic surgery I called my (narc) sister and asked if she would drive with me from Oregon to our hometown (where she still lives) Houston, Tx to MD Anderson cancer center. She begrudgingly said yes and told me how much it would cost me. During our road trip she pitched fits, wouldn't talk or eat because she didn't have Starbucks or some fancy food. I wasn't allowed to listen to music. And I drove the entire trip 5 weeks after surgery. We stopped in Santa Fe because I thought it might be my last time. She told me my cancer diagnosis was making the family ill. Then she got upset because we didn't stay in Santa Fe long and she thought it would be "a mini vacation for her". I cannot tell you how thankful I was when I got to Houston and my best friend of 46 years started going with me to MD Anderson. My narc sister resented it because "I was using your dr. visits to get off work" (teacher) Not once did my sister ask me how I was or gave me a hug. My best friend is the polar opposite. I was very lucky meeting her 46 years ago. To this day I still drive, alone, to Texas for scans and MRIs because I'm not cured. But I'm enjoying living in spite of it and I love road trips with my dog. Nothing is better than the freedom to get in a car and go anywhere I like.
I’m so sorry 😞😢😢 I never knew narcissists were such a pandemic until I found dr Ramani.. 😞😢😢
She is no sister . Classic narc. Thank god for dogs
I am so very sorry for what you went through with your horrid Narc sister and I wish you much healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
This is crazy. Brought back memories where I took myself to ER because he needed a nap.
I’m so sorry
Sick 🤢
very sorry ,..
I am so sorry that happen to you. I can totally relate.
❤😢I'm sorry, too.
You lost your job and can no longer afford the rent? "Not a big deal."
*They* didn't get a free service they asked for? UnAcCePtAbLe.
I was the kid who sort of "had their parents number" at a very young age. Because they were both teachers, I wasn't "allowed" to be right about things that made them look "wrong". I thought if I could be 100% correct in what I was saying, provide evidence and facts that I wouldn't be shut down. They just screamed "YOU DON'T KNOW!!"
How sad. I'm very sorry. ❤
I have been called too emotional and sensitive for having normal responses to toxic, traumatic or abusive situations. Thankfully learning that is not true as they are gaslighting me and that my feelings are valid. I do find it is their way of deflecting their responsibility for things onto me. They totally do that to distract from their bad behaviour and pretend that I am the problem. Focusing on truths and my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
When I had Covid Pneumonia that left me with myocarditis, he was completely MIA.
The jab gave you that and pericarditis is also common. It wasn't from Covid, climate change, or racism, even though the select eXpErTs on TV said so, against all peer reviewed evidence. Sorry these genocidal maniacs deceived you. Good scientists and doctors are working on an antidote. There are some things you can do now to help. Look up Dr Stella Emmanuel, Dr. Peter Mccullough, Dr. Bryan Ardis, and there is plenty more. They have protocols you can apply now.
I wouldn't continue trusting the people constantly getting it "wrong", especially when they constantly hold talks and conferences about how there is too many people on Earth and how to reduce that, aka genocide. If you don't believe me now, you definitely will by the end of November 2024, if you make it till then. It's going to get very scary. Prepare your hearts and minds now.
OMG this happened to me too. Only it was my grand daughter who carelessly gave me covid which led to pericarditis, then my daughter was MIA the whole time. One fresh hell after another with these narcs.
Shaming my emotions....I always felt I was the emotional one in our marriage, because he rarely showed any emotions, he seemed so calm and balanced in any situation. I stopped telling him about things that bothered me or about my concerns mostly because there was no reaction. After discovery of a discussion with another woman about meeting for coffee, I told him I am not comfortable with him meeting other women who I did not know or never met. I thought I was being reasonable in my request. It became a referendum on me, he told me that if I have a pretense of creating drama. He met her anyway. Shortly after this, I discovered he was meeting other women. I ended our 35 year marriage.
Good for you! Congratulations on your new start in life. I wish you all the best of everything for your future ❤️
Yes, same. Jet one of them deal with that drama queen. I'm sure, ironically, that he spilled enough drama on you, even surpassing what you've introduced him to.
Typo error-Let, not Jet
I was in my late 40s and taking business courses. In a group of 85 students only 3 got an A and I was one of them. On a visit to my parents I recounted this. Father said, “Look what our little knucklehead did. Mom, bring in more bread.” Brother told a joke quite unrelated and father and SIL laughed and Mom brought in the bread. Life went on. On the first midterm I wrote a near perfect paper, the highest mark in the course.
That's such an achievement well done you. Any normal person would be proud of you they are just jealous. Xxx
Don't know you but a BIG WELL DONE 😊
I so can relate. I told my parents that I had just finished my last two classes and I will be getting my BBA. My narcissistic mother said, "That's nice" and both my parents started talking about something else as if nothing happened.
Sometimes they tend to make themselves the hero of your story and relegate you to a supporting character, all the while re-writing the script to alter history.
My mother passed away December 16th. Yesterday I spent five hours with my narcissistic father. He is definitely a conversational narcissist so I was just acting as a therapist, listening to him. There was twice where I had a thought that I wanted to bring up, but he would continue talking to the point where I would forget what I was going to say. I felt like I was literally swallowing my voice. This was after my dad told me secrets about my mom I had never heard before, tried to smear her character by talking about he's convinced she cheated on him once (they were married for 45 years) he told me she once had an abortion, he even told me that he sent her an email 10 years ago that if she actually cheated on him then he believes she would get cancer and die. This is a lot of sharing but what I'm saying is, I am grieving my mother and I'm 30 years old - my experience does not matter to him, my grief or how what he is sharing may be horrible timing - it's all about his experience. I feel like N O T H I N G when I am around him. Like I am not even a person.
Big loves ❤
My mother passed away in September, the only positive thing is that I will no longer have to see that being who claims to be my father. As soon as she died, he died. What I have seen towards his lifelong wife in recent years makes zero contact not difficult at all, I don't want him in my life.
Your father's game to supply himself would continue without one less piece but it will continue, and do not doubt that he will get worse with age. Consider distancing yourself before it is out of necessity and at a high price!.
@@Ana-p3i4h He will bow down to Jesus Christ. He will meet his maker. I will continue to live for God. And thank you for this reminder. I need to break free. Wishing you the best and thank you.
Absolutely the truth.While enduring flare ups of ulcerative colitis and periferial neuropathy, much of it brought on by narcissistic abuse,my husband yelled and laughed at me,while cursing at me non stop.Insane.
When I was 5 years old I contracted scarlet fever, and had excruciating pain with a fever of 103 for two days. I was put on a couch with a rubber mat with ice placed on me ( it was in the summer) and a coffee table with drinks and food in front of the TV. My family did not give me any medicine or take me to the doctor. They said they had too much work to do to take me anywhere. (they worked as tailors and worked from home). I remember feeling that I must have been a really bad kid for them to not care that I was sick and in pain. I hate feeling sick to this day as I can't allow anyone to help me with things and I feel less than when I am sick. I once had the stomach flu as an adult and a stranger brought me ginger ale to help me and it was a strange feeling to be thought of as being valuable enough to have someone care because of my early experience.
I'm so sorry u had to endure that. Please know that the actions of your family weren't on you. Its odd to feel odd when you're to be simply being thought of with a gingerale! 😮I get it...I been there. I was NEVER allowed to be sick in my mal-nar relationship. I used to secretly hope I would get hit by a car so I could stay in hospital. There I could be cared for. Not raged at for not having any music playing (while I had a migraine) cuz I'm so called "a boring robot" The difference is I was adult who could defend myself to a point. U should not have had to deal with that being so small. May God bless you, keep you and turn your suffering into power to help others 🙏
I'm so sorry for you. You definitely did not deserve that😢
This is my family with the severe health issues (including brain atrophy (yes, I have scans)) that they caused (yes, they did. They gave me drugs for years without telling me).
It's not about my health, it's about them being inconvenienced... It's sickening
Ways narcs minimize your experience:
1. They call your health issues inconvenient
2. They accuse you of showing off when you share your good news
3. They downplay your accomplishments
4. They tell you you're too dramatic, too sensitive
5. They go to therapy to make you seem as ''the bad one''
Thank you. At 41 to learn that I’ve been surrounded by these personality types and I’ve never lived for myself is troublesome. It took burnout to finally take my education and start to apply it to myself. I appreciate your research and your sharing of it. 🌹
When I broke my ankle, one "friend" couldn't handle coming over once a day for two weeks to help fix me food since my walker didn't have a tray and I had to hop with the walker on one foot in a non-walking cast. She got "tired" of having to help me at the two week point and said I was on my own before the doctor wanted me left alone... I had cared for my mother alone for NINE YEARS and this one friend couldn't handle two weeks without fussing and whining? I began to see that day how shallow that friendship truly was.
THIS...this is so what happens! I have questioned if my "best friend of life" is REALLY a friend. I had major back surgery and she will say things to me like, "Your rehab is taking a really long time..." or when I had a family member that was super close to me die she said, "I am flying out to your state to see my other friend...her Dad died and I wanted to be supportive..." I am happier when our conversations are spaced, fluffy, and light because she cannot take on anything empathetically. It just hurts to talk to her. That's not friendship. Of course, if it happens to her...I am the first one she gets a hold of... Tells me I have some work to do here!
Forgive me in advance for being harsh..it comes from being a narc abused empath ❤ So here goes.. She is not your friend. She is making it clear. Cut her lose by using Doc's soul distance techniques. Like u said...keep it light. Also if u are a believer...pray that Yah (God) changes her heart and repairs her defects of character. Also don't forget to pray for YOU. You deserve for these wounds to be bound up and healed. She may not your friend now...or even ever. She may fizzle out once she sees the difference in u. You can give yourself permission to hope without being attached to the outcome. Remember nothing is too hard for Yah. ❤
From what you wrote she is definitely a user. Maybe not a narcissist, just very selfish and shallow. Which isn't a good thing too.
@@mikawayu1413 No need to apologize for stating the obvious right? She isn't my friend. It's a friendship of length, but not depth. I think I feel guilt we have been friends since we were super young and so I have had to come to these realizations and to allow my feelings (are those ever allowed...lol) to let me know if something is healthy or not. I started to detach last year and only end up in hiccups in this totally "fluffy" relationship IF I take the bait and engage in a deep conversation with her. She only keeps me on the line because she needs me to prop her up when her life falls down. I am not a revolving door....I am a person! I deserve mutuality in my relationships. Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it.
@@cb9825 ...yeah without diagnosis...we are all guessing, but traits and patterns kind of don't lie. Whether it's being selfish and shallow or true NPD...the outcome is the same...PAIN! I am month by month giving space between contact and keeping everything "light and airy" and if she texts me some "emergency"...I am giving less of my time and energy to it. She realizes (I think...) that I am not emotionally available to that anymore. It's been a very one-sided relationship from the beginning. I grew up in an era when people were "friends for life" and that type of loyalty only belongs in healthy, open, reciprocal relationships. I am learning. I am a work in progress in finding healthier relationships and "fluffing out" the old, unhealthy ones and slowly letting them fade off if needs be. Thank you for your reply because you are right...selfish and shallow would be good words to describe her actions and those are not good either.
I ended a 28 year friendship. I only kept her around because "I knew her for so long" but, I sure do wish I cut her off sooner.. it only got worse and got increasingly chaotic in the end. I cringe at the things I dealt with. The first few signs was she lead the conversations and seemed detached when I would talk. It became "normal" in our friendship. It is not normal now that my friendships are healthier.
A very fascinating video, this brings back painful memories which i have been enduring. My relationship of 5 years ended 3 months ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldn't just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counsellor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counsellor, and how do I reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white, and she is a great spiritual counsellor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive.
Because you are talking to people who have retained their empathy even in the face of trauma. Because losing someone you love is painful and it helps to talk to someone.
Because in the end, EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO.
It's been seven months, I hope you are doing better.
As a daughter who had something to share and talked over and interrupted you just learn to stop mid sentence.
I'm trying to do this
You learn to not start
@@robinantonio8870 Yep!
This. Or not share anything at all, to prevent as much as possible from being used as a weapon against you.
@@Ebeth-u9v Yes, that is what it comes to.
I just had surgery to have some melanoma removed and my narcissistic spouse was extremely annoyed that his mom, sister, and my sisters were all calling to check on me post surgery. He totally downplayed everything, and made insensitive comments about the large "ugly" scar left over from the surgery.
You need to leave him!!
Yes, definitely ❤😢
my mother recently passed away 2 weeks before Christmas, and when I told my narcissist partner that we, of course, had to make time to see my dad on Christmas Eve, his response was.... "ugh it's going to be all gloomy" 🤯
When I tried to share an experience or be part of the conversation I was told, "It's not about you" with an eye roll. It shut me down completely. Now that I am out of the relationship, I hope I never hear those words again.
Yup. Bringing back lots of memories.
For me too
I observed this with my sister when my mom was sick and later dying from cancer. I remember my sister saying that if she got sick, she'd have to leave (her husband). I thought that was a very curious thing for her to say but I didn't ask for clarification. I later I realized how narcissistic her husband was and how that rubbed off on her. For many years, I didn't realize her husband was narcissistic because they are a lot older than me. I am the youngest in my family. My mom was dying and she said she had to go to the closing on her house. I was shocked and left speechless. A few days later, she was back and at this point my mom's breathing had changed and we were at her side 24/7. 2 days later, my sister announced that she had been there long enough and was going home. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to say, 'Why? She's not dying fast enough for you, b*tch?!" But I didn't. She left and my mom died the next morning. My sister is not the sister I knew as a child. She gradually changed once she got married and the change was not a good one. Her husband is a cold person. Dr. Ramani, I'd love if you'd talk about how a narcissistic person can unfortunately rub off on some people and they may, in turn, become narcissists themselves. ♥
Probably the narc husband just enforced something that she already had in her personality. As kids we don't always realise what exactly a relative's personality is. I never realized that my mother and her sisters are a toxic mess before I was a grown woman.
Been there, done that .Thank God for my xtra self esteem bf I met him
Wow I have had cancer twice and my mum and brother have been awful to me the whole time !!
Blaming me so much I cannot believe it dr Ramani . Your words are my life !! Thank you as my emotional thinking and trauma bonding and forgetting things has been so tough for me as I’m so forgiving and naive !! Xx❤
My neighbor's wife had dementia and he said "she makes me sick". SMH, thinking to myself, she's your wife, don't you love her?
My grandma after my grandfather died, had after one year after his death a boyfriend, when this boyfriend got dementia, she left him
It's very sad to think that someone who you thought loved you, can leave so easily.
@@youngblood8540the worse about it he forgot few month that she left him, and he came often to her. 😢
@@daykibaran9668I know, I hate it when people take commitment lightly.
I have seen them go MIA as if they never had a nurturing soul from the start, it's very difficult to understand that about them, sickness is an inconvenience to them is all I could think of.
Thanks for this video. It really came at the right time and validates what seems to happening in my life after a critical illness last summer (meningitis and encephalitis). I won't go in to details but suffice it to say that the narcissists in my life expected me to 'bounce back' after a few weeks post hospital stay and resume my duties helping them in their lives. They were dismissive of my brain injury/infection. It's been emotionally painful and shocking but an eye opening experience and I've made some permanent changes to who I want as my medical power of attorney as I age. Again, thanks for this video and all you do, Dr. Ramani.
I’m so sorry you experienced such grave illnesses and thankful you survived.
Excellent point about who we appoint. The persons we choose for our Power Of Attorney for Health AND Finances are extreamly important.
Be Well.
I say the same. And wishing you blessings here on out.❤😢
i learned to not share the good things in life that happened to me , for the very reasons you talk of , i isolate now because of violence from all directions .
My own daughter verbally abused me on the way to a cancer clinic. When she needed to pick me up from the hospital after my surgery for a ruptured appendix, when I was in my late 50s. She was furious. And she had my baby sit my grandson the next day..She scowled and acted rude during appointments with a cancer doctor. She continues to minimize and demean me whenever I speak about myself. If we're talking about her problems, she will talk for hours! If I speak at all, She tells me that I never listen to her. When it's the complete opposite. She tells me that she's tired of hearing my old stories. She snickers and laughs when I'm talking, and now she brings my granddaughter, only 10, and they giggle and smirk whenever I'm trying to explain something. She's much more than just rude. I'm always appalled with her disgusting behavior.
Absolutely spot on about being told that I was wrong to be sensitive and show my emotions after my mum and my sister passed away six months away from each other. DrRamani can you please talk about how to handle grief around a narcissistic partner?
I have been left with addressing this narcissistic behaviour rather than addressing my grief. Once again all the attention has been focused on him. I only understand this now after watching your videos recently. I was struggling with this on my own for the last two years but my eyes have opened after being in this relationship for 46 years.
You poor thing! I believe just in the last day-my new coworker is this. My mom passed in December (I was her caregiver for years) and my sister has struggle w an autoimmune disease that got very much worse after moms death. I hope you have some support. It’s strange to be in grief near those who do not acknowledge. I’d love a video on this also.
My narcissist father's motto "children are to be seen and not heard" and then he would always follow it with an evil laugh. 😡😢
This especially hurts when you experience these things from members of your own family, especially from your parents or guardians when you are a minor under their care.
Like when i got Covid with hives plus a stomach bug. As i crawled on the floor between the bedroom and bathroom dilerious from the absolute pain, he jumped out of bed and storned of saying "why am i so cursed?!!!" he never offered a wet favecloth, sip of water or his company at all. Bro went straight into minimizing my horrible experience with no shame. I still cant believe that happened, just 3 months ago. Many more like this including when i fell in the shower at 8 months pregnant, where i was made to feel like a crazy person instead. Added to my "ick list" and getting ready to leave soon.
Waiting on him hand and foot when he was sick( bad cold) because he yelled for me constantly rather than get out of bed to make himself food. When I caught it from him, he said" I know how bad you feel so I will go out so you can have some peace and quiet "!!!! No buddy, you stay and wait on me! He didnt of course
I was diagnosed with a painful eye condition and had a severe flare. I was in a relationship with someone who I now believe was a vulnerable narcissist. She drove me to the hospital, dropped me outside and drove off saying she didn't want to pay for the parking. After I was treated she came back, and when I called her out on her behaviour she became the victim, consumed with shame and it became all about her. Later on she panicked about what an inconvenience this would be, as she believed I wouldn't be able to travel and that would mess up her plans. She was very intelligent though and knew how to mask her inconvenience and would never say it directly.
I definitely know i turned introvert ....never used 2 be
Exactly.
So true…my far and wide enjoyment fun times…my bubble is instantly popped once I return home. Totally shutting down has been common….expressing myself leaves to an argument and usually being my fault.
This is so unbelievably toxic. I'm amazed how some people can survive these relationships during childhood. I did 9 years of therapy to work through my mothers psychopathy. It destroyed my life through complete dysfunction.
When socialising during our first few months I would get kicks from underneath the table during a conversation with friends
Until eventually led to me shutting down as I had honestly thought that what I was saying was irrelevant
Another occasion occurred during a love bombing experience where he agreed to stop drinking alcohol, while the physical violence stopped
He became even more controlling
I remember being devastated as at the time I had thought that his rages were caused by alcohol
I was so naive & so under his control for decades
It ended with me divorcing him after far too many years
This channel has helped me so much & being educated in all things Narcissistic
I am so grateful to you & from the many comments from your community
Thank you to you all
My narc ex husband told me to “stop playing the cancer card” because he couldn’t stand the concern my kids and his other family were showing me.
My goodness, that's horrible....
Flipping it! Was the worst thing a narcissist can do. This happened in my marriage when we went to therapy. Im glad he's married to someone else now. But I still meet NPD people and more so in females.
Invalidated emotions for me. Mine would straight face say anytime I shared their actions or words hurt, would say, oh my god, you are not a victim, I am not a bully! What a gaslight!
I hardly speak now. 55 years worth of narcissistic parents, partners and friends. Very difficult to claw myself out of dark rocky crevice but with only a sliver of myself.
I am similar to you. 23 and finding out my whole life has been a lie. Even my best friend of 10 years, the one person I thought i could share my life with.. she dumped me like trash as soon as she got a boyfriend, even though she gaslit me to my face and said she’d never do it again (she had done it once before and I believed her when she said she wouldn’t do it again - I always give second chances).
@@brandonhealy7158 🌼💛
I feel ya. I'm the Best gray rock you've ever Talked At.
My gosh this is my father to a T. These discussions are so healing and validating. Thank you.
Also telling someone they are controlling , and always have to be in control, or always have to have the last word.
BINGO!! 👍👍👍😓
I had to pick myself up by my bootstraps in ways where I was internally like a person with muscular dystrophy. Massive somatic dissociation, still because I'm still dealing with them at an older age.
I've had to learn - actually out of nearly nothing - to somehow manage to create new neural pathways to affirm and experience my own existence, to truly trust & validate my own experience, both internally and externally!
Bc of their disorders and their inconsistent plastic sense of reality (while posturing and swearing they're the most consistent people in the world who can really nail down reality more than anyone ever etc 🙄😖). Their constant gaslighting (even unintentionally on their parts), making me feel like a piece of paper meant to be flattened out and stuck in a drawer in the back somewhere even though because I've had subclinical medical problems all my life likely from the dang stress of it all, and they've had to take care of me in many logistical ways which I hate, literally loathe, and am galled by, bc I'm a very capable, independent natured individual!!)
Had to validate my own experiences & existence to avoid feeling all my life like crumpled up and thrown aside because I'm not feeding their mindset & false ego-identity as the outwardly competent - yet internally baby-ish - people that they are.
Feeling like nothing I observe is real, their cloudy nebulous delusions are the only thing that's real. I could go on and on, I could write a book. Volumes.
Thank you, Dr Ramani! 🧡🍀🙂🏆
I started weight training about two years ago. Closing in on 50 and wanted to be healthier. I managed to transform my body considerably enough to where I receive positive feedback from people. When this happens in front of what I'm sure is my narcissistic wife, she tells people to not give me a big head. Never a single compliment from her. 23 years in now lol.
H previous wife lost her cancer battle. When my time of a cancer diagnosis/surgery came along his response was to state that he’d taken one wife through this and he hadn’t signed up for another. It’s always about them folks. Always.
Whenever I travelled with my parents during my childhood, I used to get very sick in the car and had to listen every single time that all I wanted was to spoil the fun.
They would also tell me all my health issues were due to psicological problemas, and I believed them for so long... I lost a lot of opportunities of getting a real diagnose.
My first ‘relationships’ was like this. He was super jealous about everything and criticized every accomplishment I had. I didn’t understand at the time, and thought it was my fault. Learning that it was not my fault and it was his issues not mine. If I get a hint of that unhealthy jealously from anyone now I take a step back to be discerning and protect myself. Wish I knew then what I know now. Thank you Dr Ramani❤
When I was hospitalized, my narcissist husband would call me and yell and curse over having to cook and clean for himself.And tell me I was a terrible person.
Sick
Dr. Ramani,
Thank you so much.
These last three videos follow my life to a "T".
My daughter 😮was a shock but I knew (kinda)
about my husband who gaslighted me for 57 years.
President Trump tells a story about a snake. Unfortunately, a narcissist is great at "fancy footwork " like a magician slight of hand. At 81, I just realize how I have been manipulated.
God bless you ❤️ 🙏 for bringing the "truth" for us trapped in narcissistic relationship.
When our mother was dying of cancer, my narc sister loudly complained that she would miss her piano lesson. The palliative care nurse needed to make one last home visit and this interfered with her piano 101 lesson. She cant even play Mary had a little lamb on it so it wasnt as if she was a famous concert pianist.
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and clarity Dr Ramani. 🙏 Your guidance and strategies are actively helping me disentangle from my narcissistic parents after 40 years of abuse.
I moved from my state of origin in 2002 and narc family members still say in 2024, "You're all alone out there..." meaning, come back and be my supply! What limited thinking! They all managed to take trips everywhere but my new state. No contact is really no loss. Once I had my tonsils out and I was in pain in my hospital bed when my narc husband laid his lazy head on my chest telling me just how hard it was at home. I divorced him after 5 months when I discovered the real person, a sociopathic criminal who cheated on me, quit his 3 jobs, beat me up in my kitchen and stole my car! Oh my!
I will never forget the Easter before my graduation from my Master's program in philosophy, my aunt said to me, in my own home no less, that "anyone can do philosophy." I was proud of myself in that moment because I thought it was such an odd and stupid comment, that I replied, "Wow, I wonder why I spent 7 years working my ass off learning too do philosophy when I should have just asked you!" It just came out of my mouth before I thought twice about it, and I know that she was ashamed, but she never apologized.
Yes. I had such a awful time postpartum- I couldn’t bend down and my hair fell out. He would complain about how gross was because I couldn’t clean up after myself.
When ppl came over he was nice as pie.
Similar issue when I had a head injury. I had post concussion for 3 months. He told me I had a headache for a week.
I got hit by a someone a second time and he was called as my emergency contact. He was nice for the staff, then when we got home he screamed at me until I was on the floor sobbing.
He is a monster.
My narcisstic husband told me
“ I can’t believe you’re messing everything up
Over nothing “
I didn’t know much about narcissistic behaviors, but the day after my thyroid surgery I saw a big red flag 🚩 waving right in front of me….I was laying on a hospital bed scared out of my mind as I was having multiple seizures due to complications from my surgery. Meanwhile, my narcissistic partner was comfortably seating on the nearby couch checking his social media. On that moment I realized he was not going to be there for me as we got older.😢
My husband and I had a therapist that was themselves a narcissist. My husband would arrive early and by the time I and our kids arrived, It was family oriented, he would have already been there for a while discussing things without anyone else’s input. It was like two narcissists hunting down their prey. Who would they gang up on and kill this week! I have never quit something so fast in all my life!
My ex told me his therapist said I was being abusive because I asked to spend time with him without discussing his feelings and needs and nauseum while I was struggling with my health. I told him that if he felt that way he should leave. I can't be with someone who receives me as abusive. He tried to get angry that I said "receives me as abusive" rather than rolling over and agreeing that my behaviour was abusive. I stood firm that he should go. He then quickly tried to back peddle that abusive behaviour, to him, wasn't a deal breaker. It was for me. We're getting our divorce hearing next month. I'm never going to put myself last again.
I AUDIBLY gasped at 4:06 because that was almost word for word what my NPD “mother” did to me when I was sent to the hospital for 6 days for sepsis in 2021
I’m most met with silent treatment and empty faces. Followed up by, them talking about something else or "similar" topics, always about THEM or somebody ELSE. Never a; good for you, am so happy for you…
Took my ex to therapy. The therapist thru us out and refused to treat us individually or together after the therapist listened to my ex talk for less than 5 minutes. The therapist told me to run and get out of the relationship. I was completely in shock.
Starting dating on a mutual understanding I'm disabled, never being told my disability is an inconvenience, until a few years later when I am being treated that way. Especially asking for things that have been piling up that are not within my ability to handle physically, & waiting & asking & being told I'm bothering them or get told they'll do it later as more days pass. Until I'm doing it myself, in pain, crying, alone, making sure they aren't around because I know how they will respond. Getting mad/upset at me, why am i pushing myself I know better while there's 3 weeks of garbage & recycling piled up that I am relying on them to do & have to do myself because I deserve not to live in filth & I do it for me because I'd be doing it anyway without them so if they aren't stepping up to not blame me for dealing with the pile they let pile up, etc. I can't go up & down the stairs that require bringing the heavy bins or large bins to the outside trash/recycle without extreme pain & harm that take days to recover from.
First few years, none of this ever was an issue. I don't need to be verbally told something I need is an inconvenience when they show/tell me I'm the problem/I'm not communicating, especially if it's on the shared online calendar or they had written it down & forgotten but didn't follow through with a reminder/phone/calendar/self reliance. They ask me to remind them, which turns me being treated like I'm just as annoying as their alarm that they keep snoozing or dismissing that are there to help them in the first place & are there at their request/need to function effectively. Then the times I start doing it after I've asked for days, & it's because of the disability & I just need something moved so I can clean/pack/do the things needed, & I'm upset but making noises to deal with it that sound silly to keep myself at least not absorbing in front of them that I feel so hurt that again it gets pushed aside. Then they leave in a rage, saying they were going to get to it & I'm being impatient. After days & days, only asking when they are in the room or going to it in, that the thing I need moved which takes 30 seconds, is because they don't like being inconvenienced so I ask them to do things as it goes to what they are doing to better suit them as it doesn't ruin a flow/abruptly stop things.
I was looking up why I couldn't find a way to talk to them & walking on egg shells came up & I was accused of that just recently but from them, after I had been justifiably upset that they expected me to know what was in their head & they never shared out loud or asked & assumed, etc. So my tone got upset, then I was told I'm triggering them, that they have to walk on egg shells, as they defend themselves. Instead of taking responsibility for not telling me & not communicating their intentions & apologizing for overstepping & violating my autonomy in the joint decision. I even tell them what an effective apology looks like but they never repeat it back to me, unless I am begging/pleading.
I love them, I forgive them as they have so much pain. This would be different if they were dedicated to self love, self care, the person I see they have the potential to be. But they aren't taking the steps to help themselves & not using the platforms I give readily while they still say they are falling & refuse to grab on to get themselves up. Everything gets put off. When I say 'if not now, when?, there is no inner reflection, just a shrug, no hard plan for that self improvement, etc.
Been together through so much, through getting them help from their own narcissistic abuse, to being there for their big emotions that needed someone, I love everything about them, all they have to do is change the voices in their head, instead of hating themselves send themselves love. But no matter how much I ask/hear/see/communicate, they keep self hating. They admit everything I say is true. They get upset when someone says that they were hurt by them because they don't intend to, but defend themselves instead of taking responsibility. It is the not taking responsibility, & still trying to control the other person, that I understand I cannot do/say anything that will help them. When they try to tell me I am hurting them, I ask them to break it down, we talk about it. When they find out that they had misunderstood, they don't take corrective action. When we talk & it is something that I had said incorrectly or could be not understood because of whatever reason, I apologize, & immediately validate & say I recognize how that could come across, I reiterate how & even more ways it could if there are, to really show I am seeing their perspective. Then I try to communicate to ask them to see how them doing the same miscommunication/unintentional misstep that leads to misunderstanding doesn't warrant the same apology/mutual understanding, they shut down. They blame their memory, ADHD things they also don't take responsibility for when they impose/effect someone else, as I have ADHD & I don't do anything like they do nor blame it as the excuse, I do mention it can cause it so i will do x or y to make sure it doesn't happen again & follow through consistently after that. I'm never late, I'm always early, because I know my disability & it's my responsibility to make sure I can function effectively around others so I am not effecting/affecting them negatively as they are giving me their time/effort/help/etc. (Example. When/if a Dr apologizes for a 30 minute late appointment, I tell them not to apologize because if they are willing to take the time with one patient for something they need, that tells me a lot that they care & aren't pushing people out every 15 minutes like nothing & often I am given the same treatment of more time if I need it with no judgment or pressure to leave faster when I have a medical need. I am grateful that I arrived early, it sucks i gotta wait longer, but I my needs met & don't cause others problems by being late. I don't use my time-blindness as an excuse, if I make a mistake I look at all ways I can go about working with my disability, instead of being mad it exists & blaming it & not working to be/do better for myself.)
Hearing this ❤ ...healing tears flowing 😭✌️cant wait for this weeks therapy😊
Yep, my narc sister weaponized her own therapy and gaslighted me into believing (a) that she was an expert on mental health, (b) had enough knowledge to treat me when I was going through a mental breakdown, (c) that I had either BPD or NDP. After going no contact, I did therapy on my own and realized how grandiose it was of her to weaponize her therapy experience like that, how much that messed me up and made things worse, and that I have neither NPD or BPD. The self-shame is intense to this day, over how much I let myself listen to and believe her.
Ur work has been a light to me Dr. Ramani❤. Thank u and GOD bless u💓🕊🙏
When my relationship got worse, I called home upset asking to move back because things had gotten so bad.
My older sister happened to answer and spent 45 minutes convincing me it was all in my head...
I stayed, it almost cost me my life
Or they love it that you were hospitalized because they get attention, gifts, sympathy cards.... meanwhile as an underage you're getting questioned by the nurse about the safety of your home situation. You don't know. Then your mother "scolds" you behind the closed doors. "How dare you ____."
My narc would literally say "not to minimize your feelings but.." then would talk about himself and how he had it harder. I hated that!!
Stay safe and dry Dr. Ramani.
Thank you! This is happening in my life right now and since 1-1-24 but to a close family member and I am too disabled to help them sit at the hospital! 😢😢😢 I’m seeing and hearing such hurtful things but always indirectly! My hearts broken in two ways now! 😢😢
in my experience, some narcissists will use your illness or whatever reason that you've been unable to manage their needs as a public license to replace you and also gain support as a victim of your neglect. On the other hand, I have another narc in my life who LOOOOVES when opportunities like this arise, and the minute their boyfriend or mother is ill they get on the phone to anyone who will answer just rolling their eyes about the new workload and "only him, only my boyfriend would get sick right now, or oh here goes my mother again, sick for the 2nd time this year" just basking in the rays of support and their hero complex is inflating to unknowable heights meanwhile the person who is ill is treated like they deserved the illness for their behavior. in any event its an attention grab that aggrandizes the narc and also turns the situation into an experience of never ending support and praise, meanwhile the sick person is a fool who can't help but make bad decisions without direction and much hand holding from the narc. But the funny thing is the narcs are so co-dependent on this persons humanities they will never leave. They NEED you to fail otherwise they will victimize you and blame you for it to receive praise.
My mom winds me up, when I react, she tells everyone what kind of person I am. By the time I come back from work.. I'm quite. She is super nice to me.. like she is ideal mom. Ppl hate me after that.. she becomes the good mom. I become the bad kid. I realised this after I started observing.
Sometimes your narc likes it when you're sick so you have to become more dependent on them and they can perform and show how helpful they are. Boosts their ego and gives them more control.
'The measure of love' ❤️🔥
Our son was diagnosed with cancer at 8 yrs old. He was in hospital an hour away from home, so I (mom) stayed there. He was to have his first treatment so I phoned his dad to come to support us. His angry response: I have to cut the grass!
omg. I don't know what to say to this. That's horrifying. How is your son doing now?
@@redlikewineagain697 he is now 48 yrs old and never a recurrence!
Beyond sad....hope your son is okay.
I feel like this is beyond Narc behavior. This is how (some) men handle emotional situations. Anything to avoid the cold hard truth and being vulnerable. They will do anything but face the music which defaults to the mother to handling all of the blows life throws us. Men like this are only available for praise and recognition and other than that will be avoiding reality in the garage.
YEAH, AND HE Said he WAS TIRED OF Hearing about my illness.
“At least you’re not dead” my narcissistic partner of 23 years screamed at me when I was struggling to recover from full hysterectomy after womb cancer at 48 yrs old. My surgical menopause was a massive inconvenience for her and she just couldn’t be arsed with me. I think she only didn’t leave me then because of what other people would think about her. I’ve been traumatised ever since this relationship ended in Nov last year. Cptsd symptoms and I cannot cope.
When I was hitting the rock bottom of my depression and anxiety my mom complained that she felt she had to "walk on eggshells" around me. Definately did not help me feel better at all
My mum does this a lot in my childhood. Like she would keep the bedsheets away, and ask me if I took it, and if I say I didn't she would say she saw me.. etc and five days later I find it in her cupboard. She calls me bluff a lot. My ex would do the same. I told ppl abt it. They would make excuses for them or tell me it's my mother it's okay. The result is. I take everything in writing from them and even at work. I do the briefing and take minutes etc.. keep records of everything for my mental security.
My boss would tell me I needed to be happier when she was happy.
Then when she would do something very upsetting and I would ask her to stop and say I felt bad. Her reply was that work is not a place for feelings but facts.
The final event was her sending me a threatening to terminate email at 11:30pm because I was not behaving as she wanted. And on the next day she said "I am just trying to explain how serious the situation was and the need for you to work on yourself", she said I was overthinking the email.
To add to what a therapist may or may not say... Therapy is about healing yourself, looking at, and changing your own behaviours; it's not about changing another person's behaviour because you have no control over anyone else, you only have control over yourself.