I've experienced both my mother and father rejecting me - not "wanting" me to be around. I think that's similia to "abandonment" and the feelings it can cause.
I experienced the same thing; it's very damaging. Perhaps your parents had NPD. It's so useful to understand what has happened you -- it really helps you heal.
Mine is similar to your experience. Neither of my parents were emotionally mature enough for children. My mother was often in prison and both were alcoholics and simply rarely home.
@@Daily_Bread84 Wow, that's rough! When you're left to your own devices -- as Dr Kim was -- it's not good. My dad had a drinking problem. He was home a lot but often ignored me and acted as if I was getting in the way. Mum went out a lot, and the two of them basically segregated me out of their lives. I've only just begun to realise the damage that that can do -- it makes you feel as if you're getting in everyone's way and being a nuisance. These video are so helpful. Hang in there!
@@PsychedToknow-qw7cb Sounds like our parents are similar. I felt like a nuisance also. Having a child with hearing problems and needing surgery for a 10 year span was a burden on my father and he let me know it. I can understand feeling in the way. I learned to isolate as a result of their parenting but now my father thinks that is a problem 🤔🤣 Yes, the videos are so helpful, and reassuring. Thank you for the kind words. In time things get better for sure. 😊
@@Daily_Bread84 No problem. Make sure you get plenty of therapy -- you may have been your parents' scapegoat, which is very damaging. You deserve to be heard and to have your needs met. My very best wishes to you, Mind on the Spirit, and to you, Raymond Hogue. Please make sure you both get the help that you deserve; having abusive parents really takes its toll. 🌈🌈
It took me so long to understand how I was abandoned/neglected by my parents. Finding out how not normal my “normal” was has been such a blessing. For so long I thought I was just broken.
I'm 57 and in therapy. But this seems pretty dire. My mother was a raging borderline narcissist with probably some bipolar mixed in. She was psychotic most of the time and my father literally just ignored her. I believe she was jealous of me and prevented him from having a relationship with me even though he lived in the same house. I like to say I was brought up by walls because nobody taught me anything and I had no role models. I was physically verbally abused and emotionally totally neglected. It's so ironic to me that this video came out just as I'm realizing that I have daddy issues... For some reason I was concentrating so much on my mother that this didn't even come into my mind.
Thank you for discussing this aspect of ‘Father’s Day’. I am an eighty year old with autism that was undiagnosed but surely noticed with disappointment by my father and older brother, but with a loving mother who would not abandon me. She died suddenly at age forty-nine when I was eighteen years old from a cerebral hemorrhage. I left home at that time and have not returned since after the relationship with both my father and older brother grew more estranged. I have learned to cope with what has happened and have learned to use my feelings positively by working with canines and horses and giving them what I was denied, a positive partnership. ☮
In many jobs, I found myself working for men who spent lots of time talking about themselves and paying scant attention to me, not unlike the way my father often treated me. With my own family to raise, I often felt like I just had to take it, but the feeling that I had no power to change bad situations was a lesson that I unknowingly had learned from growing up in such an environment. Learning how to recognize that feeling of powerlessness was a turning point for me, because it allowed me to acknowledge the feeling rather than be controlled by it and start planning small changes that would eventually allow me to extricate myself, e.g., taking time to learn a new skill needed for a better job in a healthier environment.
I can relate entirely to this topic. Even though he is not dead, he's certainly dead to me... I'm not a fan of holiday's where we are expected to celebrate people who don't necessarily deserve celebrated and if you feel otherwise you are ostracized. Aka the people in my life who guilt me into feeling bad for not wanting to spend a single second with the person with S.A.'d me, stole money from me and whose only contact is basically to scream insults at me or project their own fears and anxieties at me via passive-aggressive shaming and back-handed comments? HARD PASS!
Dr. Sage, I am so darn sorry for your difficult parental relationships. I know what’s it’s like. I never even met my father, he knew of my birth but had no interest. My mother was/ is narcissistic. I also am a psychotherapist. Hmmm….wonder why🤔 I am 75 now and for a long time, thought I was healed of all this. BUT last year I finally was able to fully grieve to my core, I was thrust into a dark night of my soul when I was targeted and triangled out of the line of inheritance by my sister and mother. You say you are no one’s girl, me too. But now, I am done with it all and don’t want to process or even think about it all. I came on your site today, to tell the truth, because I am worried about you. This stuff is up and center for you with the work you are doing and you can’t get away from it. I didn’t retire until a year and a half ago and that’s what it took for me to let it all go. So just saying to you honey, from someone older and maybe or maybe not wiser, maybe you should get some distance from this issue now.
I am sorry to hear that about your father. 😢 It is hard to hear as my father lived in the house yet abandoned me in a way by drinking and simply not spending much time at home. There was no bond formed. 😒
My mother always told me that my father didn't want me & that's why I never saw him. When my mother died I went through her papers & found out that she made a deal with him when I was 4 yrs old that she would erase the back child support he owed if he would give up his parental rights. That's why I never saw him. He died before I could meet him as an adult.
I’m so sorry, my mom moved me away from my dad bc he was more mature & calm with me so when they divorced, she couldn’t stand letting me see him bc I might not give her all my love & see her as my whole world
Dr. Kim thank you for sharing about your biological father. I found out later in life I have a biological father. He had a daughter and a son. I have reached out to the daughter but no response. I really just want to see a picture of him and find out what kind of health issues he had. He is already deceased. God bless and good luck to us both. God's will be done.
As a native Texan living in California now since 1997, I definitely recognized the slight Texas twang in your speech. I'm very sorry for the losses and traumas you've experienced, and I'm glad you can use your own experiences to help understand others. I do hope that, when the time is right for you, you can deal with the revelation of having a different birth father than you'd been led to believe most of your life. It is just awful that your half-sibling blocked you on Ancestry, but if they are that incapable of dealing with truth and reality, they are probably someone you never want to encounter in the first place (not that it's any consolation, but more about protecting yourself from those people who prefer to sweep inconvenient truths under the rug). Best wishes to you as you continue to heal yourself while helping others make sense of their life experiences ~
My sister was a major alcoholic and druggie. She chose animals for her boyfriends and husbands. I took in her children as babies and I raised 4 children in both the fatherly and maternal roles. She was abused as a child was severely toxic and had really bad BPD. Of all my siblings ive the most and have done and achieved the most. I raised my children as I call them. On my own. I taught them everything they knew and how to be as functional as possible. As I'm the strongest of my whole family. My little ones are some good some bad. But they were safe with me and I raised them well. They're all workers but one bcz he's severely mentally ill does drugs and abandons his own children. My sister took in his children and I'm too tired to take in more children. Plus I'm too old to start over. I'm not a druggie or drunkard or smoker, nada! But my mom is a BPD woman and a narc, my dad was extremely abusive and yet I turned out Webcz I chose to be a great man. I realized I mattered that when my parents abandoned me at 14 till I turned 19 and came home from exile and chose to heal and not be poisoned by my parents abandoning me. I need self-compassion and to heal from the abuse ive dealt with all my life, It is something I'm dealing with in therapy as my parents abandoned me for my brother who was also mentally ill but my dad realized that I deserved another chance, and checked me come home and 3 years later I moved out and have a beautiful home and everything I need. I work hard and I earn my way. In a self-made man. My dad is a self-made man. Although he was abusive he did teach me a lot, in glad I had a dad. Bcz he taught me well and he failed a lot. Yet. I'm a great man because of his and my grandpa's teachings. I'm proud of The fact that I had a strong dad. Bcz I'm a great dad to my little ones also.
My family was highly dysfunctional. When my parents divorced, they argued over my custody. Neither of them wanted me! How pathetic is that? Society always focuses on the custody battles. No one mentions the kids who just aren’t wanted. My brothers stayed with my dad. He needed farmhands. I went with my mother who never let me forget that she didn’t want me. I had zero visitation with my dad. If he happened to bump into me, he would cross examine me. Did I have a boyfriend? Was I doing drugs? I was 12 years old!! He always said that girls only bring shame to a family. I guess he was waiting for me to step into that role. I didn’t. When I turned 19, he suddenly started guilting me about not going to visit him!! All those years he had been absent, yet he was making demands. I paid him a few visits, but after a particularly nasty phone call, I went no contact for 20 years. He started asking for me when he turned 80. He let me know that in our culture it’s the daughter’s job to care for her parents. I almost choked. I smiled politely and said nothing. I resumed no contact. He passed away ten years ago. I’m still processing that part of my life-the gaping hole in my soul. He was not a provider. He was not a protector. He was not a nurturer. He was grandiose, manipulative, demanding, entitled, and merciless.
You did not deserve that, no child does! That should not have happened to you & you did not only the hardest thing but the best thing for yourself. Im not sure how to offer help but to say that is reprehensible & there is no excuse for mistreating/abusing/neglecting a child. Sending love & acceptance to you & all thr rest of us with father wounds ❤
Dr Kim you have helped me so much I can’t thank you enough.. your kids are lucky to have you, I wish either one of my parents had the awareness and courage you do. Thanks for everything keep em coming ❤
My Father drifted in and out of my life, sometimes he would disappear for months or years only to show up and expect me to be okay with it for which I wasn't. My mother and father were only married for 11 years when I was 10, I am 44 at this time of posting) and even then he just wasn't really around. I tried to establish a relationship as an adult but he really did not care. His health declined with heart attack and strokes but he chose not to get better, but what angered me was that while I tried to be there for him, he would go behind my back and claim to other relatives I wasn't around. I lost my temper one day and ceased all contact with him, this was in 2012, never did I ever speak to him again. I find out through my estranged mother that he died 4 years earlier and I had never known he had died. His family never liked me, obviously even more so to warrant not contacting me right away about his death, just a hunch I have. Now I currently have this heavy, I wouldn't say "guilt" but this feeling that I am a horrible human being in some way for abandoning him, and he largely abandoned me never really being around for me except maybe whenever it suited him. Recently I was more of less blamed for his death in a letter from my mother who I was never close with either. That I thought was a low blow, like I said, I didn't even know he had died. Even more of a low blow that I apparently have know right to know where he might have been laid to rest. Not sure fully if my situation counts, but I thought I share. I am sorry for being wrong somehow as well, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I still don't know how to mentally process this. I am sorry Dr. Sage to sound sorry for my self, i am not a father and never had children of my own, your video here was informative and I thank you for it. I also subscribed to. I just know internally something isn't resolved and I am not sure how to deal with that just yet. Thank you again Doctor for sharing and your kind words.
SO true. Enabling a narcissist adds insult to injury. So many generational cycles to break especially when you have been scapegoated. Very harmful but possible to break through with God's help and brain re-training.
i relate so much to losing two parents in such a short time. my stepfather of ten years cheated on my mom and up and left the family with no warning, and my stepmom of 25 years did the same exact thing one year later. the split between my father and stepmom has added fuel to our already rocky relationship as he has been very needy and selfishly entitled.
I'm so so sorry you had such a terrorizing experience with almost being kidnapped. Thank you for acknowledging the severe damage that children experience when they are ripped from their homes and the family that they relied upon for safety and security. This breaks my heart.
Your podcasters are so so helpful to me. Ty. My dad abandoned me at age 11. I have had repetitive compulsions ever since. My sisters have now iced me out of their lives
I always hid in my room when I was a child; I felt such a burden and wanted to hide from everyone. Family was a source of anxiety for me. I always thought something was wrong with me but now as an adult I realized, it’s not me… I was just a child so how could it be my fault??
I have an abandoned inner child that requires compensation and guardians. While seeing other better families I identify what I missed out on and can reflect on how I project my hurts. Thankfully my spirit is protected ❤
My birth father sexually assaulted my birth mother who is mentally handicapped. I was adopted as an infant and my adopted Dad passed away of a stroke which I witnessed at age 12. I married a malignant narcissist and myself and children are not able to have contact at all so my children left without a father too. It all breaks my heart over and over and over.
I’m not a father but can relate a lot to the first part of your video. Truthfully, my parents never should have gotten married. They were 2 very different people. My father was a passive, avoidant man who wouldn’t stand up to my mother nor did he stand up for me. He left when I was a teenager and moved away. I became his replacement for my mother who is anxious and controlling. I certainly have deep attachment wounds and all those points you mentioned like having no sense of identity fit me perfectly. I am in therapy and hope to one day feel some sense of contentment in my life. Thank you for another great video.
@youtuber-cc8sx It has helped me. I will preface that with the fact that it has taken time to get to where I am and I have a lot more to work on and process. For a few years, I saw a therapist who used CBT/talk therapy which helped until I felt like I hit a wall. About 2 years ago, I experienced a big flashback and was diagnosed with CPTSD. My therapist suggested finding someone who is experienced in EMDR and I was fortunate to find one a couple months later. This new therapist also introduced me to IFS therapy which has been very helpful for me. If you aren’t familiar with those therapy types, there is a lot of information out there about them as well as CPTSD. As I’m sure you know, finding a method that works is not easy and often requires a lot of time trying something out for a while to see if it’s helpful. I hope you are able to find the right person and/or method that helps you. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.
@youtuber-cc8sx Hi. I thought I replied yesterday but I guess not so I’ll try again. For me, therapy has helped. For several years, I saw a therapist who used talk/CBT with her clients which helped until it didn’t. About 2 years ago, I experienced a big flashback and was then diagnosed with CPTSD. My then therapist suggested finding someone who is trained in EMDR and I was fortunate to find one in a couple months who was able to take me as a client and I’m glad she did. In addition to EMDR, she introduced me to IFS which has been quite helpful for me. We have recently started DBR therapy which is very similar to EMDR but a bit more gentle. Working through all of this stuff is not easy and it can be emotionally painful and exhausting. I don’t always realize it, but I am making slow progress. I do have to remind myself that it’s going to take a lot of time to process and heal from trauma that goes back 50+ years. I hope this is helpful. In addition to watching Kim’s (and others) videos, I joined a few subs on Reddit such as the CPTSD and IFS subs.
@youtuber-cc8sx Yes, it can -- therapy can help you to understand yourself, and what happened to you, better. Learning about attachment theory and what attachment style you have -- and how to work on improving it -- is very beneficial. Try to educate yourself about what happened to you and what personality type that has caused you to develop -- it really helps; otherwise, you're just fumbling around in the dark. Please get therapy, everyone -- you all really deserve it!
@@DrKimSage Subbed to you a few months ago lover your Channel , feeling Emotional today on Fathers Day first time commenting . 58 yrs old single Father of 18 yrs with a Now 20yr Old Daughter who was abandonded by her Mother due to Substance Abuse ,Daughter has notsee her Mother since she was 8 yrs old, But she is doing well in College earnig her MBA In a5yr Accelerated Program. I REALLY NEED TO WATCH MORE OF YOUR CHANNEL JUST TURNED ON ALERTS 🙏
I'm so sorry to hear the difficult experiences you've had and I appreciate this video talking us through how these wounds happen to us and for holding out hope for us to heal.
I hate Father’s Day, my dad was older & sick, my mom did not prioritize my relationship with him so when he died in my 20s that left a huge hole in my heart & it’s never been filled I know my daddy loved me, I just never got to know my daddy (his bday is 6/15 so 🥺)
my granddaughter's father kept popping in and out of her life, caused unstable situations and she became very agitated at age 3 and would demand and cry that certain friends stay right by her, not leave school unless she walked with them, demand them to be with her, etc. This continued in different ways right through all of her grades, very fragile to rejection and always trying to fit in...rejection and acceptance were huge problems. As a teen she continued and would become very depressed if a friend at school would decide not to remain friends anymore, or not let her into a certain group. Her parents divorced at age 4. I think that the divorce made things worse for her. But my daughter could not sustain the marriage as it was.
Kim, I'm borderline. I'm 21, have always been "angry", impulsive, emotional, empathetic but in a impaired way. Recently, specifically, my PD is really getting in the way of my relationship. I already feel hopeless (though my partner wants to work on it), really borderline thinking, right? I'm tired of hurting 'em because of my moods. Do BPD people actually "change"? I mean, what can we do when it comes to these mood 😢 Love your channel. You're great! Thanks for your work
Dr. kim- although you do have a brother in me❤. I really have a heart for you and look forward to the completion of your healing. Yours Truly, Jay Garretson and faithful brotherly client.
Thank you so much for your videos, Dr Kim. I have learnt a lot from you; you cover acres of ground -- and you are so prolific! It sounds as though you have been through such a lot, yet you have achieved so much. And now you are sharing your knowledge on TH-cam and helping hundreds of thousands of us. I had two high-end NPD parents. That was something that I did not know until a few years ago, and I now realise what's going on and how truly damaged I am. Your video on self-gaslighting was spot on. So many of your videos have helped me; it's been great learning about attachment theory and the differences between NPD and BPD, amongst so many other things. Your videos are so informative -- I wish I had known all of this years ago. I know it's not good to blame, but I feel so let down by the system. My father wasn't all bad, but he would often ignore me and criticise me. Amongst other things. NPD explains a lot. I am very sorry for all that you have been through. You are so gentle, sensitive and motherly; I always love watching your videos; they are always so comforting and soothing. Much love 💗💗
This is my first time seeing your videos and I am so grateful I found you!! 🤗 thank you so much for your expertise and wisdom openness in sharing your experiences. Much love and many blessings to you! I guess it’s time for me to unpack 😊
Thank you for being such a compassionate - and learned - person. It’s so helpful having you share actual research, as well as your own life experience. Sorry you have copped a trifecta of ‘daddy issues’. It is awesome that this hasn’t led you to dislike men. Good luck with your book deal. Don’t use IG, so unable to help there.
Gosh I am so sorry Dr. Kim. *(side note your room is gorgeous and beautiful). My kids haven't talked to their dad in 12 years and he is a classic narcissist and has no clue. My dad- will I am going to call him,, but he's a covert narc. My mom died a few years ago and she was an empath. I also sometimes feel like sometimes my kids rescued me and I have clearly changed due to therapy and you and the great TH-cams (have Cpstd)..I don't want to damage my boys. My emotional reactions I am sure have. Thank you so much ! You are beautiful in every way and inspire me so much!
that said - I am glad my boys had straight As both college grads and are doing well- they haven't dealt with their trauma and I am trying to let them do it on their time. I had full custody too. My ex only tried to destroy. But I see the issues and trauma bonds.
Ditto here but my father is still alive 15 minutes away from my house. I tell myself it won’t bother me when he passes. I’m afraid that won’t be the case He’s 78 I’m 52.
We bombed with a bio dad and step father. The stepfather was a provider but was abused by my mother and stood by while us kids were abused. My one brother is continuing the cycle of abuse and is likely a PD himself. I hate the destruction that borderline got to leave behind when she died.
Dr. Sage, I love your channel and have learned so much from you. I find the pop ups of the real life glimpses into an unknown life distracting and triggering. I liked it so much better when you didn't have these. I'm tuned into the dysfunction in my own life and don't really want to see it in someone else's. Sorry, just how I feel.
IG didn’t make you feel bad about yourself, your unchecked traumas and insecurities did. Words matter, Doc, especially from someone with a platform such as yours.
12:49 yep @DrKimSage exactly & the ur stepmom who is not interested in having his kids from another marriage & like don’t know anything about my step mom but she got all my dads time in his last years. Never cared about him seeing me or whydoes your daughter cry every time she’s here?? Prob bc I wanna see my dad more, I don’t even know him. It’s left me feeling sad but really more mad now that I have a little one
totally my speech- function in our own diffuse fantasies, on your own of course -or-you re out autoimmune diseases✅ picked the same personalities, partners looked totally different studied psychology, as a single mom of course all the blame, the guilt is on me- whos not present, cant be blamed i guess i can identify with everything you say, thank you 🍀
Fathers give an objective view while mothers give a subjective view. Abandoned fathers leaves children in subjective way of thinking only and a sense of entitlement develops. Trauma bonding can lead a child without objective responses to blame everything outside of itself. Unfortunatly some mothers blame everything on the abandoned father like my mother did with me. My mother playing the victim at my Fathers expense and creates this unwaranted hatred and lack of trust towards all men.
Dr Sage ; Is it possible that your mom drove your father to death ? As you mentioned, he kept running from your step father too. And to top it all, she told you that there was yet another guy who was your real father. Your mom seems to be pulling a number on you. Hopefully the bell rings for you- there was Parental Alienation- not abandonment in your case.
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I've experienced both my mother and father rejecting me - not "wanting" me to be around. I think that's similia to "abandonment" and the feelings it can cause.
I experienced the same thing; it's very damaging. Perhaps your parents had NPD. It's so useful to understand what has happened you -- it really helps you heal.
Mine is similar to your experience. Neither of my parents were emotionally mature enough for children. My mother was often in prison and both were alcoholics and simply rarely home.
@@Daily_Bread84 Wow, that's rough! When you're left to your own devices -- as Dr Kim was -- it's not good. My dad had a drinking problem. He was home a lot but often ignored me and acted as if I was getting in the way. Mum went out a lot, and the two of them basically segregated me out of their lives. I've only just begun to realise the damage that that can do -- it makes you feel as if you're getting in everyone's way and being a nuisance. These video are so helpful.
Hang in there!
@@PsychedToknow-qw7cb Sounds like our parents are similar. I felt like a nuisance also. Having a child with hearing problems and needing surgery for a 10 year span was a burden on my father and he let me know it. I can understand feeling in the way. I learned to isolate as a result of their parenting but now my father thinks that is a problem 🤔🤣 Yes, the videos are so helpful, and reassuring. Thank you for the kind words. In time things get better for sure. 😊
@@Daily_Bread84 No problem. Make sure you get plenty of therapy -- you may have been your parents' scapegoat, which is very damaging. You deserve to be heard and to have your needs met.
My very best wishes to you, Mind on the Spirit, and to you, Raymond Hogue. Please make sure you both get the help that you deserve; having abusive parents really takes its toll.
🌈🌈
It took me so long to understand how I was abandoned/neglected by my parents. Finding out how not normal my “normal” was has been such a blessing. For so long I thought I was just broken.
I'm also amazed how long it took me to see things more clearly and honestly.
I'm 57 and in therapy. But this seems pretty dire. My mother was a raging borderline narcissist with probably some bipolar mixed in. She was psychotic most of the time and my father literally just ignored her. I believe she was jealous of me and prevented him from having a relationship with me even though he lived in the same house. I like to say I was brought up by walls because nobody taught me anything and I had no role models. I was physically verbally abused and emotionally totally neglected. It's so ironic to me that this video came out just as I'm realizing that I have daddy issues... For some reason I was concentrating so much on my mother that this didn't even come into my mind.
Thank you for discussing this aspect of ‘Father’s Day’. I am an
eighty year old with autism that was undiagnosed but surely
noticed with disappointment by my father and older brother,
but with a loving mother who would not abandon me. She died
suddenly at age forty-nine when I was eighteen years old from
a cerebral hemorrhage.
I left home at that time and have not returned since after the
relationship with both my father and older brother grew more estranged.
I have learned to cope with what has happened and have learned to use
my feelings positively by working with canines and horses and giving them
what I was denied, a positive partnership. ☮
❤
❤❤❤
In many jobs, I found myself working for men who spent lots of time talking about themselves and paying scant attention to me, not unlike the way my father often treated me. With my own family to raise, I often felt like I just had to take it, but the feeling that I had no power to change bad situations was a lesson that I unknowingly had learned from growing up in such an environment. Learning how to recognize that feeling of powerlessness was a turning point for me, because it allowed me to acknowledge the feeling rather than be controlled by it and start planning small changes that would eventually allow me to extricate myself, e.g., taking time to learn a new skill needed for a better job in a healthier environment.
I can relate entirely to this topic. Even though he is not dead, he's certainly dead to me... I'm not a fan of holiday's where we are expected to celebrate people who don't necessarily deserve celebrated and if you feel otherwise you are ostracized. Aka the people in my life who guilt me into feeling bad for not wanting to spend a single second with the person with S.A.'d me, stole money from me and whose only contact is basically to scream insults at me or project their own fears and anxieties at me via passive-aggressive shaming and back-handed comments? HARD PASS!
Dr. Sage, I am so darn sorry for your difficult parental relationships. I know what’s it’s like. I never even met my father, he knew of my birth but had no interest. My mother was/ is narcissistic. I also am a psychotherapist. Hmmm….wonder why🤔 I am 75 now and for a long time, thought I was healed of all this. BUT last year I finally was able to fully grieve to my core, I was thrust into a dark night of my soul when I was targeted and triangled out of the line of inheritance by my sister and mother. You say you are no one’s girl, me too. But now, I am done with it all and don’t want to process or even think about it all. I came on your site today, to tell the truth, because I am worried about you. This stuff is up and center for you with the work you are doing and you can’t get away from it. I didn’t retire until a year and a half ago and that’s what it took for me to let it all go. So just saying to you honey, from someone older and maybe or maybe not wiser, maybe you should get some distance from this issue now.
I'm so sorry for your trauma. I totally understand ❤️
Thank you and same to you❤🙏🏻🩷
@@DrKimSage❤
I'm starting to realise how important it is to take care of myself, but to do it I have to work against the shame.
It's a struggle for sure. 🙏
I am sorry to hear that about your father. 😢
It is hard to hear as my father lived in the house yet abandoned me in a way by drinking and simply not spending much time at home. There was no bond formed. 😒
My mother always told me that my father didn't want me & that's why I never saw him. When my mother died I went through her papers & found out that she made a deal with him when I was 4 yrs old that she would erase the back child support he owed if he would give up his parental rights. That's why I never saw him. He died before I could meet him as an adult.
I’m so sorry, my mom moved me away from my dad bc he was more mature & calm with me so when they divorced, she couldn’t stand letting me see him bc I might not give her all my love & see her as my whole world
Did you actually wanted to meet this man if he would of still been alive?
Dr. Kim thank you for sharing about your biological father. I found out later in life I have a biological father. He had a daughter and a son. I have reached out to the daughter but no response. I really just want to see a picture of him and find out what kind of health issues he had. He is already deceased. God bless and good luck to us both. God's will be done.
As a native Texan living in California now since 1997, I definitely recognized the slight Texas twang in your speech. I'm very sorry for the losses and traumas you've experienced, and I'm glad you can use your own experiences to help understand others.
I do hope that, when the time is right for you, you can deal with the revelation of having a different birth father than you'd been led to believe most of your life. It is just awful that your half-sibling blocked you on Ancestry, but if they are that incapable of dealing with truth and reality, they are probably someone you never want to encounter in the first place (not that it's any consolation, but more about protecting yourself from those people who prefer to sweep inconvenient truths under the rug).
Best wishes to you as you continue to heal yourself while helping others make sense of their life experiences ~
This video is longer than you wanted. But it is full of valuable information. It has the length that is perfectly right for it.
My sister was a major alcoholic and druggie. She chose animals for her boyfriends and husbands. I took in her children as babies and I raised 4 children in both the fatherly and maternal roles. She was abused as a child was severely toxic and had really bad BPD. Of all my siblings ive the most and have done and achieved the most. I raised my children as I call them. On my own. I taught them everything they knew and how to be as functional as possible. As I'm the strongest of my whole family. My little ones are some good some bad. But they were safe with me and I raised them well. They're all workers but one bcz he's severely mentally ill does drugs and abandons his own children. My sister took in his children and I'm too tired to take in more children. Plus I'm too old to start over. I'm not a druggie or drunkard or smoker, nada! But my mom is a BPD woman and a narc, my dad was extremely abusive and yet I turned out Webcz I chose to be a great man. I realized I mattered that when my parents abandoned me at 14 till I turned 19 and came home from exile and chose to heal and not be poisoned by my parents abandoning me. I need self-compassion and to heal from the abuse ive dealt with all my life, It is something I'm dealing with in therapy as my parents abandoned me for my brother who was also mentally ill but my dad realized that I deserved another chance, and checked me come home and 3 years later I moved out and have a beautiful home and everything I need. I work hard and I earn my way. In a self-made man. My dad is a self-made man. Although he was abusive he did teach me a lot, in glad I had a dad. Bcz he taught me well and he failed a lot. Yet. I'm a great man because of his and my grandpa's teachings. I'm proud of The fact that I had a strong dad. Bcz I'm a great dad to my little ones also.
My family was highly dysfunctional. When my parents divorced, they argued over my custody. Neither of them wanted me! How pathetic is that? Society always focuses on the custody battles. No one mentions the kids who just aren’t wanted. My brothers stayed with my dad. He needed farmhands. I went with my mother who never let me forget that she didn’t want me. I had zero visitation with my dad. If he happened to bump into me, he would cross examine me. Did I have a boyfriend? Was I doing drugs? I was 12 years old!! He always said that girls only bring shame to a family. I guess he was waiting for me to step into that role. I didn’t. When I turned 19, he suddenly started guilting me about not going to visit him!! All those years he had been absent, yet he was making demands. I paid him a few visits, but after a particularly nasty phone call, I went no contact for 20 years. He started asking for me when he turned 80. He let me know that in our culture it’s the daughter’s job to care for her parents. I almost choked. I smiled politely and said nothing. I resumed no contact. He passed away ten years ago. I’m still processing that part of my life-the gaping hole in my soul. He was not a provider. He was not a protector. He was not a nurturer. He was grandiose, manipulative, demanding, entitled, and merciless.
Thanks for sharing your story. You did great standing up for yourself and taking care of you. Good job. Continued blessings dear one ❤
You did not deserve that, no child does! That should not have happened to you & you did not only the hardest thing but the best thing for yourself. Im not sure how to offer help but to say that is reprehensible & there is no excuse for mistreating/abusing/neglecting a child. Sending love & acceptance to you & all thr rest of us with father wounds ❤
Dr Kim you have helped me so much I can’t thank you enough.. your kids are lucky to have you, I wish either one of my parents had the awareness and courage you do. Thanks for everything keep em coming ❤
I'm so sorry for your very difficult experiences Dr. Sage
My Father drifted in and out of my life, sometimes he would disappear for months or years only to show up and expect me to be okay with it for which I wasn't. My mother and father were only married for 11 years when I was 10, I am 44 at this time of posting) and even then he just wasn't really around. I tried to establish a relationship as an adult but he really did not care. His health declined with heart attack and strokes but he chose not to get better, but what angered me was that while I tried to be there for him, he would go behind my back and claim to other relatives I wasn't around. I lost my temper one day and ceased all contact with him, this was in 2012, never did I ever speak to him again.
I find out through my estranged mother that he died 4 years earlier and I had never known he had died. His family never liked me, obviously even more so to warrant not contacting me right away about his death, just a hunch I have. Now I currently have this heavy, I wouldn't say "guilt" but this feeling that I am a horrible human being in some way for abandoning him, and he largely abandoned me never really being around for me except maybe whenever it suited him. Recently I was more of less blamed for his death in a letter from my mother who I was never close with either. That I thought was a low blow, like I said, I didn't even know he had died. Even more of a low blow that I apparently have know right to know where he might have been laid to rest.
Not sure fully if my situation counts, but I thought I share. I am sorry for being wrong somehow as well, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I still don't know how to mentally process this. I am sorry Dr. Sage to sound sorry for my self, i am not a father and never had children of my own, your video here was informative and I thank you for it. I also subscribed to. I just know internally something isn't resolved and I am not sure how to deal with that just yet. Thank you again Doctor for sharing and your kind words.
Am coming to terms as a child that I didn't have the coping skills of an adult. I wasn't protected
SO true. Enabling a narcissist adds insult to injury. So many generational cycles to break especially when you have been scapegoated. Very harmful but possible to break through with God's help and brain re-training.
i relate so much to losing two parents in such a short time. my stepfather of ten years cheated on my mom and up and left the family with no warning, and my stepmom of 25 years did the same exact thing one year later. the split between my father and stepmom has added fuel to our already rocky relationship as he has been very needy and selfishly entitled.
I'm so so sorry you had such a terrorizing experience with almost being kidnapped.
Thank you for acknowledging the severe damage that children experience when they are ripped from their homes and the family that they relied upon for safety and security. This breaks my heart.
Your podcasters are so so helpful to me. Ty. My dad abandoned me at age 11. I have had repetitive compulsions ever since. My sisters have now iced me out of their lives
I always hid in my room when I was a child; I felt such a burden and wanted to hide from everyone. Family was a source of anxiety for me. I always thought something was wrong with me but now as an adult I realized, it’s not me… I was just a child so how could it be my fault??
It was not your fault, this 'so-called parents/Fam made you feel that way.....😡
And my mother instilled both shame and guilt in me that I still struggle with to this day
Exact same here with shame and guilt instilled in me by my mother and grandmother.😢
@@truthtriumphant ❤️
@@truthtriumphant 💖
I have an abandoned inner child that requires compensation and guardians. While seeing other better families I identify what I missed out on and can reflect on how I project my hurts. Thankfully my spirit is protected ❤
My birth father sexually assaulted my birth mother who is mentally handicapped. I was adopted as an infant and my adopted
Dad passed away of a stroke which I witnessed at age 12.
I married a malignant narcissist and myself and children are not able to have contact at all so my children left without a father too. It all breaks my heart over and over and over.
Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I know many of us will use this knowledge to understand ourselves and others better. ❤️
What an incredible find this video was.
I will be delineating a work program for myself and continue to grow even more.
This was amazing.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, it’s really helpful although it must be difficult for you to talk about some of it publicly
I’m not a father but can relate a lot to the first part of your video. Truthfully, my parents never should have gotten married. They were 2 very different people. My father was a passive, avoidant man who wouldn’t stand up to my mother nor did he stand up for me. He left when I was a teenager and moved away. I became his replacement for my mother who is anxious and controlling. I certainly have deep attachment wounds and all those points you mentioned like having no sense of identity fit me perfectly. I am in therapy and hope to one day feel some sense of contentment in my life.
Thank you for another great video.
@youtuber-cc8sx It has helped me. I will preface that with the fact that it has taken time to get to where I am and I have a lot more to work on and process. For a few years, I saw a therapist who used CBT/talk therapy which helped until I felt like I hit a wall.
About 2 years ago, I experienced a big flashback and was diagnosed with CPTSD. My therapist suggested finding someone who is experienced in EMDR and I was fortunate to find one a couple months later. This new therapist also introduced me to IFS therapy which has been very helpful for me. If you aren’t familiar with those therapy types, there is a lot of information out there about them as well as CPTSD.
As I’m sure you know, finding a method that works is not easy and often requires a lot of time trying something out for a while to see if it’s helpful. I hope you are able to find the right person and/or method that helps you. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.
@youtuber-cc8sx Hi. I thought I replied yesterday but I guess not so I’ll try again.
For me, therapy has helped. For several years, I saw a therapist who used talk/CBT with her clients which helped until it didn’t. About 2 years ago, I experienced a big flashback and was then diagnosed with CPTSD. My then therapist suggested finding someone who is trained in EMDR and I was fortunate to find one in a couple months who was able to take me as a client and I’m glad she did. In addition to EMDR, she introduced me to IFS which has been quite helpful for me. We have recently started DBR therapy which is very similar to EMDR but a bit more gentle.
Working through all of this stuff is not easy and it can be emotionally painful and exhausting. I don’t always realize it, but I am making slow progress. I do have to remind myself that it’s going to take a lot of time to process and heal from trauma that goes back 50+ years.
I hope this is helpful. In addition to watching Kim’s (and others) videos, I joined a few subs on Reddit such as the CPTSD and IFS subs.
@youtuber-cc8sx Yes, it can -- therapy can help you to understand yourself, and what happened to you, better. Learning about attachment theory and what attachment style you have -- and how to work on improving it -- is very beneficial. Try to educate yourself about what happened to you and what personality type that has caused you to develop -- it really helps; otherwise, you're just fumbling around in the dark.
Please get therapy, everyone -- you all really deserve it!
I’m so incredibly sorry. 😔 I just lost my father. It’s hard.
I’m so sorry 💔🙏🏻🩷sending love today
God Bless So Sorry for your Loss 🙏 mine just turned 79 in May but not doing well , I hope your blessed with great memories now and in the future ! ❤
I’m so sorry 💔🙏🏻🩷sending love today
@@DrKimSage Subbed to you a few months ago lover your Channel , feeling Emotional today on Fathers Day first time commenting . 58 yrs old single Father of 18 yrs with a Now 20yr Old Daughter who was abandonded by her Mother due to Substance Abuse ,Daughter has notsee her Mother since she was 8 yrs old, But she is doing well in College earnig her MBA In a5yr Accelerated Program. I REALLY NEED TO WATCH MORE OF YOUR CHANNEL JUST TURNED ON ALERTS 🙏
I'm so sorry to hear the difficult experiences you've had and I appreciate this video talking us through how these wounds happen to us and for holding out hope for us to heal.
I hate Father’s Day, my dad was older & sick, my mom did not prioritize my relationship with him so when he died in my 20s that left a huge hole in my heart & it’s never been filled I know my daddy loved me, I just never got to know my daddy (his bday is 6/15 so 🥺)
my granddaughter's father kept popping in and out of her life, caused unstable situations and she became very agitated at age 3 and would demand and cry that certain friends stay right by her, not leave school unless she walked with them, demand them to be with her, etc. This continued in different ways right through all of her grades, very fragile to rejection and always trying to fit in...rejection and acceptance were huge problems. As a teen she continued and would become very depressed if a friend at school would decide not to remain friends anymore, or not let her into a certain group. Her parents divorced at age 4. I think that the divorce made things worse for her. But my daughter could not sustain the marriage as it was.
56!!! My goodness I would’ve never guessed that. You look at least 10 years younger! Great video as always.
Kim, I'm borderline. I'm 21, have always been "angry", impulsive, emotional, empathetic but in a impaired way. Recently, specifically, my PD is really getting in the way of my relationship. I already feel hopeless (though my partner wants to work on it), really borderline thinking, right? I'm tired of hurting 'em because of my moods. Do BPD people actually "change"? I mean, what can we do when it comes to these mood 😢 Love your channel. You're great! Thanks for your work
Dr. kim- although you do have a brother in me❤. I really have a heart for you and look forward to the completion of your healing.
Yours Truly, Jay Garretson and faithful brotherly client.
Thank you so much for your videos, Dr Kim. I have learnt a lot from you; you cover acres of ground -- and you are so prolific!
It sounds as though you have been through such a lot, yet you have achieved so much. And now you are sharing your knowledge on TH-cam and helping hundreds of thousands of us.
I had two high-end NPD parents. That was something that I did not know until a few years ago, and I now realise what's going on and how truly damaged I am. Your video on self-gaslighting was spot on. So many of your videos have helped me; it's been great learning about attachment theory and the differences between NPD and BPD, amongst so many other things. Your videos are so informative -- I wish I had known all of this years ago. I know it's not good to blame, but I feel so let down by the system.
My father wasn't all bad, but he would often ignore me and criticise me. Amongst other things. NPD explains a lot.
I am very sorry for all that you have been through. You are so gentle, sensitive and motherly; I always love watching your videos; they are always so comforting and soothing.
Much love
💗💗
I experienced this as a fatherless child I yearn for a relationship with my dad but he is emotionally unavailable thank you for the video
So was mine
@@lauragadille3384❤
So many bull's-eye points in this presentation. Thanks so much. 👍
Listening to you is like reading a book, a bestseller.
This is my first time seeing your videos and I am so grateful I found you!! 🤗 thank you so much for your expertise and wisdom openness in sharing your experiences. Much love and many blessings to you! I guess it’s time for me to unpack 😊
I so relate to you. Feels like you are a kindred sister. Thank YOU ❤
“You are snoring the pot of emotional abuse everyday” - wow that hit hard
I hate Father's Day, I don't think he ever loved me
Thank you for being such a compassionate - and learned - person. It’s so helpful having you share actual research, as well as your own life experience.
Sorry you have copped a trifecta of ‘daddy issues’. It is awesome that this hasn’t led you to dislike men.
Good luck with your book deal. Don’t use IG, so unable to help there.
Gosh I am so sorry Dr. Kim. *(side note your room is gorgeous and beautiful). My kids haven't talked to their dad in 12 years and he is a classic narcissist and has no clue. My dad- will I am going to call him,, but he's a covert narc. My mom died a few years ago and she was an empath. I also sometimes feel like sometimes my kids rescued me and I have clearly changed due to therapy and you and the great TH-cams (have Cpstd)..I don't want to damage my boys. My emotional reactions I am sure have. Thank you so much ! You are beautiful in every way and inspire me so much!
that said - I am glad my boys had straight As both college grads and are doing well- they haven't dealt with their trauma and I am trying to let them do it on their time. I had full custody too. My ex only tried to destroy. But I see the issues and trauma bonds.
My dad disowned me for yrs before he died. And dealing with this stuff now almost 40 trying to heal my past.
Ditto here but my father is still alive 15 minutes away from my house. I tell myself it won’t bother me when he passes. I’m afraid that won’t be the case He’s 78 I’m 52.
I have an adopted niece who was in an orphanage until age 4. She’s now an adult and a diagnosed psychopath.
I appreciate your work. Thx u Dr. Kim
Very relatable. Thank you
Bless you 🙏🏽🙏🏽💜💜
And not having a mother growing up except sleeping and working and have issues with her today still.
My father passed away when I was 5. He was very sick😕
❤
We bombed with a bio dad and step father. The stepfather was a provider but was abused by my mother and stood by while us kids were abused. My one brother is continuing the cycle of abuse and is likely a PD himself. I hate the destruction that borderline got to leave behind when she died.
This is great information, thank you❤️
Dr. Sage, I love your channel and have learned so much from you. I find the pop ups of the real life glimpses into an unknown life distracting and triggering. I liked it so much better when you didn't have these. I'm tuned into the dysfunction in my own life and don't really want to see it in someone else's. Sorry, just how I feel.
IG didn’t make you feel bad about yourself, your unchecked traumas and insecurities did. Words matter, Doc, especially from someone with a platform such as yours.
My father died when I was 2
❤
Having been abandoned by 2 fathers in early childhood, I can vouch for the negative impact on the children. It lives within us….
12:49 yep @DrKimSage exactly & the ur stepmom who is not interested in having his kids from another marriage & like don’t know anything about my step mom but she got all my dads time in his last years. Never cared about him seeing me or whydoes your daughter cry every time she’s here?? Prob bc I wanna see my dad more, I don’t even know him. It’s left me feeling sad but really more mad now that I have a little one
Agree with that on divorce (I had no choice- in a DV situation)
"I'm 12 but ok" I felt right down to my toes lol
Nice video, thank you.
Hello thankyou I had a strained upbringing and lack...... KB UK X
totally my speech- function in our own diffuse fantasies, on your own of course -or-you re out
autoimmune diseases✅
picked the same personalities, partners looked totally different
studied psychology, as a single mom
of course all the blame, the guilt is on me- whos not present, cant be blamed i guess
i can identify with everything you say, thank you
🍀
Perfect timing
❤
I am no one's girl too.
Fathers give an objective view while mothers give a subjective view. Abandoned fathers leaves children in subjective way of thinking only and a sense of entitlement develops. Trauma bonding can lead a child without objective responses to blame everything outside of itself. Unfortunatly some mothers blame everything on the abandoned father like my mother did with me. My mother playing the victim at my Fathers expense and creates this unwaranted hatred and lack of trust towards all men.
🤲🏾💜🍀
No child is "Fatherless" ...Many become children abandoned by their father's.
Happy Father's Day ! :)
Dr Sage ;
Is it possible that your mom drove your father to death ?
As you mentioned, he kept running from your step father too. And to top it all, she told you that there was yet another guy who was your real father.
Your mom seems to be pulling a number on you. Hopefully the bell rings for you- there was Parental Alienation- not abandonment in your case.