Hi all! I am almost back on track with posting - but i wanted to say thank you so much for being here --and let you know that i literally read almost all of your comments (but I get overwhelmed at responding and with working, life etc -and just a "like" feels too little sometimes too) but that i hear you, and i see you and that your pain and stories really do matter to me and inform my work here. xoxo
It’s unrealistic to think you could comment on all these comments while making these emotionally intensive videos:) I hope you give yourself a lot of relaxation and many breaks. The videos are more than enough:)
Hi Kim do you remember me, i commented on 1 of your first videos saying your content was good and all you need is luck, look how far you have come in a few years 160k subscribers 😊 you were in the low hundreds, well done good work and still good content
I have never heard someone talk about this subject. Only have one memory of my father. He told me to go inside and take care of my mother. Been trying to do that since I was four years old. 63 now she’s 97. I’m all the layers you’ve discribed. Longed for a father. Ugghhhh
Thanks for this video. My biological father was a "no show" for 99.9% of the time and we lived in the same city. I stayed with him overnight at his house when I was ~ 15. It was weird, uncomfortable and he did not open up. A 2nd time I reached out was when I graduated High school and he just didn't know what to say. He did manage to stop at the liquor store before going home so there's that. When I graduated with my Master's Degree he was supposed to meet my mom and I and he bailed. I was 25 years old and it was the first time I ever spoke to his mom on the phone (my grandmother!) and all she did was berate him. So I am open to the possibility that he did me a favor. My mother remarried when I was ~4 and adopted me. I loved my new dad for a time but he was into drugs. I walked around in a haze of pot smoke until I was 10 and we fled back home to another state. He at some point he had turned to cocaine, started being very erratic, and was starting to hang out with icky people. So I lost what was my family, pets, school, ballet, friends and what was "normal" for me. I am 56 and still process the loss. My mom continued in her poor choices of men. What I learned was that drugs annihilate families and I have never done drugs. So I can thank my step dad for that. Later in life I went "no contact" with him. I met the man of my dreams in college and am happily married. I know that I can be triggered by someone saying they will do X, Y and Z and can't, don't or won't. That's on me. My hubby (who deserved a gold medal btw) KNOWS how crazy my mom was and gets it. He's got his own "absent father" who came home ever day after work but who wasn't there. We've taught each other a lot and have grown together a lot. OK whoever read to the end of this...THANK YOU. That was a lot I know.
Ouch. I thought my narcissistic mother was the one that created most of my wounds, but this video shows otherwise. 55 never married. Had a six-year, two-and-a-half and around there relationships. I only dated men that were emotionally unavailable which I did not identify until about 10 years ago when I went into recovery and stopped dating. My father was a whole mix of a bunch of those that you listed. Was gone before we woke up and home around 6:30 or later. He was a log truck owner and we were his for little slaves that worked on his truck while he talked on the phone. He was verbally and physically and we feared him. I don't ever remember having a conversation with him. It was just him ordering us around and telling us how stupid we were and telling us we had rocks in our heads. When he lifted his hand we all duct because we know he was going to hit us on the back of the head and we would go flying across the room. We were to be seen and not heard. We were robots and his slaves. My parents were forced to divorce after 19 years of marriage when my sister had a mental health break down and they would not release her from the mental hospital until my parents were separated. My dad only touched me when he was physically abusing me. I recall him grabbing me by the hair and throwing me on the ground. Pinning me down on my hands and knees and kicking me in the ass on the way out the other door in the middle of winter with no shoes or jacket on. I was too embarrassed to go to the neighbors for help. Not that they would help us as my father would make us strip in the backyard and he would hold her arm while beating the s*** out of us with the orange race car tracks. I hated him all my life and had no desire to have a relationship with him. He passed when I was 45 and of course I got stuck caring for him. My youngest brother wanted nothing more than my father to tell him that he was proud of him and to give him a hug. My father refused so I kicked him out of my house. The bastard had the nerve to tell me that I was successful because he was such a strict parent. I told him don't you dare take responsibility for my success. I did it all on my own since I was 11 years. After my dad died my brother spiraled downhill and got into drugs and has been fighting addiction for the last 11 + years because his goddamn dad refused to tell him he was proud of him and to hug. These bastards don't deserve to have kids. Found out he had a child before he met my mother. They also gave a full-blooded child away for adoption. Why couldn't those f******stop popping out for more kids when they absolutely hated and told us what a burden we were ever single day of our lives. I thought I had grieve the loss of my parents but my counseling group advised that I go into grief counseling.
I don't know how to grieve. I found out my step father wasn't my "real" father when I got pregnant and needed my birth certificate to marry the worthless piece of humanity I some how got pregnant from at age barely 16. The "wedding" was an out of body experience. Like always I was not asked what I wanted. Somehow I got married. Moved in with this stranger who stayed a stranger forever. Emotionally absent mother. A physicaly and emotionaly abusive stepfather who I was told was my real father. Amazing how fu*ked up our "caretakers" can make us. 73 and can't cry for what has been missing in my life.
It's very validating to finally have someone talk about this subject. My dad died 3 months before I was born. I have a sister 8 years older than me and two older brothers. ( none of us are really connected as a family unit anymore - I tried until it was just too hard). I was born in 1960 and back then nothing was talked about. Death, emotions - anything. My sister says she got " your dad died today" and that was it. No hugs - nothing . . So I can about imagine what was going on inside of my mom and also me in her womb. I think she left me to cry myself to sleep because once she told me I never cried. (?) ? I have 3 pictures of my dad. I think she just completely emotionally shut down after he died. I have mentioned it to every counselor I ever went to and apparently none felt that was important enough to discuss. They can certainly label you with things though. At this point I have decided I am just ME. Everything I have lived through is so complicated most people just can't even go there because they can't imagine. There were no uncles or any male that even tried to show me that men are kind & dependable. Male teachers even for the most part. My mom would never have allowed another man " to raise her children" anyway I realize that but she didn't have the emotional capacity to either. I sort of slowly took his place. I took care of her until she died at 96 and wow by then I was so worn out. I ended up trying to be the best at everything (better than anyone) I did so that I could even begin to be as good as anyone else. That doesn't work. It did cause a lot of the things that you talked about. Along with that fundamental religion taught me I was to be a "good girl" and honor her no matter what. I always wanted to make her ok so then I could be too. It was all backwards. I'm glad to be alive and just realize that I do matter as much as any one else and I have nothing to prove to anyone. I am exhausted a lot of days and I have found help through social media such as this and a couple others but no therapist in my area seems to have a clue about this sort of situation. Please don't anyone suggest on line therapy because I'm not going to subject myself to being retraumatized by any more people who claim to know how to help you. I am glad to see that there is beginning to be awareness & knowledgeable people trying to help others instead of just pathologizing people. Understanding and empathy can REALLY go a long way.
Wow this could be my family! My father died in 1959 leaving my mother with 7 children aging from 18 yrs down to 5 years of age. We moved, changed schools,lost friends, no car and my mother did not work - moms were mostly in the home. We never grieved him we just got on with it. Our family is forever fractured. My mother was fantastic, went to work and devoted her life to us. All our photos are of our forever young dad ( he was 43 when he died). Unfortunately we also heard all the grudges against him from the older siblings ( they still talk this way) . We never heard the other side until I was reacquainted with cousins. Very correct to say that you did not seem to matter in the sibling crowd - I never fit in. My father became the “elephant in the room” at every gathering. Years later when I was ill my mother told me I had to ask my father to guide and protect me. She never spoke that way ( ever) so I took her advice and felt so attached to my father I cannot even explain it except to say I knew he loved me. I think of him often - see him in my children and also see things that remind me of him. I was very interested in my younger sister’s comment that she was always trying to marry her father, seeking the unknown in another person. Know that you are loved!
"Dad, I love you and I forgive you" "I know you would like to have a relationship with me" " I love you dad and I releasse you now, know that I have forgiven you for leaving me"
Please find the courage to forgive your father for not being there for you. Forgiveness is the only way to set yourself free. I say a similar mantra every day in the shower and I feel lighter in spirit and happy. I had aa similar experience with my dear mother who passed away at 36 years old. I was a year old. She was too ill to mother me and care for me. Like you, there was no closure when she passed. She needs no forgiveness however, forgiveness is a big part of one's healing process.
I needed my dad to save me from my mom, but he was hiding from her too. He was scared of her, and an enabler. She sucked the life out of him. If we wanted his attention we had to intentionally put oursleves in his path. Neither he or my mom were ever present for our sports events, concerts, etc. But he was a really nice guy and everyone liked him. I was so focused on the abuse inflicted by my mom I barely noticed until my counselor one day said, "What about your dad?"
Sounds familiar. Mine went to the bar every day after work instead of coming home and dealing with my mom and providing any protection or support. He was always on the edge of rage. He scared me most of the time, but my mom was worse. She is a crazy narcissist. It’s all crazy.
Wow❣️ You are telling my story completely as my dad lived with us but my mom wore "the pants" in our house and in all matters. Mama was "my disciplinarian" whereas my younger brother always got away with murder❣️😩
When I was younger and with other men, I was very aware that I was not socialized the same way. It often felt like there was a glass wall between us. I spent most my time with my mother and her mom. They were both outgoing, but accepting of my quiet nature. It was easy to express my feelings with them. On the whole, sharing feelings did not go over well with other men, so my closest friends tended to be women. I now have a good mix of friends, people of different ages and different walks of life, so all worked out well in the end. Nonetheless, the absence of consistent fathering made it hard to get launched in life.
Hi Kim. My father was killed when I was 7, however he wasn't really there even when he was alive as he had left the home. He had mistresses and other children. I am a mess because I never had a father figure to love me, so I looked for love from men when I got older. I am 56 and still feel abandoned by my father. This has affected my entire life and I wish I could get past this and be okay with me. ❤
Lisa, I joined the military at 17 years old in part because I grew up with the same night terror of being killed in combat at a young age. I spent the next 25 years on and off the battlefield; and lost a lot good friends; a whole platoon special forces; some our best in one day; and went through physical therapy with Mike Durant, ( The Blackhawk pilot in Mogadishu Somalia in 1993 ). I then retired after taking a pretty good hit in 2003 during the first phase of the ground war in a middle east sandbox. I gave myself a year to recover after a couple of failed surgeries at Walter Reed to repair me, and ultimately retired in 2005. I am required to have PTSD, ( now called PTSS ), re-evaluations, and each time I am asked to describe my combat experiences; once I begin, it only takes a few minutes before the psychiatrist asks me to please stop, ( because they do not wish to have those images in their head either ). I am telling you this only because it just takes one simple thought to move on, focus forward; and continue on from here; "all these experiences are behind me, and in the past; and we are not going that way, anyways". I hope something beautiful happens for you today; it all starts with a single thought; the fact remains despite anything; you are and always will be someone's beautiful daughter. This next suggestion may sound silly; but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you will see a change; if every morning before or after brushing your teeth; you look yourself in the mirror, and say; "I love you" ten, ( 10 ) times and try to continue this routine for at least 14 days; at which point you can evaluate the impact it has on your outlook and vantage point and how your life has seemingly changed; those who are disciplined enough to do it for a full 90 days report to experience the differences to become permanent. You will experience different thoughts and reactions as you do it; and some may even make you pause momentarily before you say it ten times. You may laugh, and feel silly for doing it at first, but if you stick with it; you will notice a difference(s); how we feel about ourselves is fundamentally important in our ability to navigate everything in life. Foray, it takes less than a minute and you have nothing to lose; so why not give a chance. As hard as it can be to forgive anyone; or everyone; we often overlook, forget or find it the hardest to include that one person; the person in the mirror. Best wishes Addendum: something compelled to reply, I hope something within this helps; " because I typed this with one thumb on my cellphone .. lol
Thank you Dr Kim for your video which I’m sure was difficult for you. I understand that pain. It runs deep. The endless longing for your Daddy who will never come home at age 2. I adored him. I waited for him everyday. I couldn’t express my grief and I stopped talking after he died. The pain lasts a lifetime. The limerence for other men who remind you of the Daddy you lost. The abuse you endure hoping he’ll be like your Daddy but never measures up. The lack of ambition, assertiveness that a father figure gives you. Embarrassed you didn’t have a Daddy in elementary school and then go to college and jealous of your friends who had one. I miss you Daddy. See you soon
My biological father left us when I was 2. I don’t remember him. But all my life I feel the feeling of loss, longing, yarning ti be protected and adored by a father.
My dad was killed before i was born.... in a motorbike accident. My mum was on the back of the bike and was pregnant with me. She was recovering in hospital for a year so, when I was born, i was whisked off to be cared for by my paternal grandparents. My mum met another man who was working in the hospital plastering the walls of her ward.......they struck up a relationship. Suddenly, after she was discharged from hospital, they had this baby to care for...... it didn't fit into his plan but he loved my mum so he married her. It turns out I was in the way..... and it took me decades to realise mum never defended me as she was stifled by him....maybe even scared. I became the family scapegoat....and now i have c-ptsd. I was not allowed to ask questions about my real dad and feel guilt when i imagine her and him (step-father) collecting me from my real dads parents..... It must have hurt them deeply as they had just lost their only child who had only been married for 9 weeks. My mums best efforts to protect me was to send me to my room to avoid him verbally demolishing me every single day......right up until he died just 2 years ago. I am 63.
We have a somewhat similar story. Sucks doesn't it to have a Mother in the house but might as well not been there? I have a disaciotiated memory of her. As if she was a ghost. She died when I was 13. Have no memory of anyone attempting to comfort me. Nope. I don't know how to grieve.
No one ever talks about fathers. My daddy was my safety. As young as five I knew something was wrong with my mother and my daddy was safe. One day, at the age of eight he just never came home. To cut things short; at the age of 36 he told me he never bonded with me and left me on purpose, and as an adult, I just had to get over that.
I'm praying some day my son realizes his dad was a dead beat, but his dad was always taking him on the weekend sometimes and having fun and telling him to ignore me, I'm crazy, etc. My son is 35 and isn't talking to me. His dad really did a number on him about me. I am glad you finally found out the truth...even though it hurt you. God bless you.
This is my story. I think the absence of a father sets one up to be retraumatized. There is no solution, even after years of therapy, meditation, yoga. Thank you for talking about this. “It is what it is.”
My dad died of a brain aneurysm at 38. I was 10. I believed, and still do to some degree, that it was my fault. I was a burden and a stressor in his life, that's why he died. I've carried that core belief into every relationship since. I must not burden others. I must relieve their stress, even to my own detriment.
My dad died at 38 when I was 10 also . It has had a big effect on my life . I have abandonment issues . I know he didn't leave by choice but it hurts so much still and I am 65 now .
@starlightdreamer1999 I completely understand. The abandonment issue just will not heal. It's been 55 years now since he died. It still hurts, and I still miss him. I recently had a dream that he didn't really die, he's just been on a secret mission for the FBI. My dreams are still from the mind of a 10 year old. So strange.
One of points you made that stood out to me was the point about conditional love. In my experience as a human, but also a therapist, this type of conditional & transactional love is incredibly damaging and harmful. It leads individuals to think they have to earn their worth to be able to receive love. Thanks for another great video.
I recommend the book "Fatherless" by Elyse Wakerman. I grew up without a father, he died the year I turned 3. Mom never remarried or partnered again - she was 43 when he died and she transitioned at age 85. I continue to sort the strands of my life out, but that book (which I first read in about 1986 for an undergrad thesis) exploded my brain. It remains one of a small number of books the are the core of my personal library.
I feel less alone. My father also died when I was 3, my mom didn't remarry but she did have partners that she never told me of. I found out about it and felt like she is cheating on him, it was a learning moment for me.
My father left when I was 4. I never knew him. I married for the first time when I was 18 to a 34 yr old man. 3 more failed marriages. I am now at 76 in the last of those disasterous marriages. This is the fallout of loss of my father…
I am so sorry. I am 41 and my biological father left when I was 2. I don’t remember but all my life I have deep pain of loss, yarning to be adored and protected. 1 failed marriage and a lot of trust issues and abandonment / security issues. I tend to attract unavailable men (be it distance, work, emotional coldness ) etc.
I had the horrific mix of an absent father who was a workaholic/perfectionist and never validated me at all while living in the same house with a very unwell mother with bipolar who dumped all her problems on me from when i was 7 onwards (this was right after being abused by other people)... Even 15 and 25 years after their deaths I'm still traumatised. I yearn so much for a present dad and stable mother... i'm so tired. I had to carry so many burdens from a young child on. Even after properly waking up to all this 7 years ago I'm still coming out of the trauma and with great effort trying to get going...Cos although I woke up my 'emotional muscles' were paralysed for 38 years..
My dad used my mother to mother him. When I came along he resented me for all the attn we kids were taking away from him, from my mom. My mom and I had a closeness that he felt threatened by. All his unprocessed anger from his childhood came out on me. He would say that my siblings scaring me at night was just "normal". And then when I expressed fear he belittled me and yelled at me. He would make fun of me in front of people but disguise it as "coaching" me. He was the worst possible father for me. I believe in myself again and I'm rediscovering my unbridled confidence and zest, belief in being my best. I don't miss him at all. My oldest bro is just like him. So I go easy with him. I know where he got it from. Okay, thank you Dr Kim. We can be the father we deserved, to a certain extent. So be kind and supportive of yourselves....Oh one more thing....I just wanted my father to once say, "I'm proud of you". Didn't happen. Too many memories....my dad would get mad at me for expressing affection for girls when I was young. Lol. OMG he was a case. Wow, the last 2:00 mins of this video is a mystery novel!!??
Thank you Kim, I felt this growing up with my dad and still do. My dad is a Narcissist. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am the oldest out of five children my parents had. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. My mother is also Narcissist. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope . God is Love. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I been a Christian for over ten years. I got support from my friends from church. Greater is He who is in you than He who is in the world. 1John 4:4
This video is hard for me to witness. It brings me peace knowing I am not alone however. My father was sexually abusive, controlling and involved with the Mormon religion. I stopped all contact at age 19 and have not attempted to have a conversation with them since. I am grateful for my school counselors and teachers who reassured me that the things I experienced at home are not normal. I am grateful for my therapists in my adulthood who have given me tools to guide me with in my healing. Your channel has inspired a lot of reflection... thank you for being you... and thank you for also sharing that trauma we experience doesn't ever stop hurting us it just gets easier to deal with the memories.
Thanks for discussing the father relationship. I’ve been so damaged by his treatment of me, my siblings, & even how I saw him treat my mom. My mom wasn’t perfect, but I watched her try. As I got older & found myself in an abusive relationship I understood her more than I ever thought I would. It took a long time, but I’m now in a good place, but my father wound is still there.
This resonates! My father was unavailable emotionally. A heavy drinker, physically he lashed out quickly, was fine one day, difficult the next. it's exhausting to cope with that as I never knew what to expect. Criticism was the norm. Being told I'd never make anything of myself left me with a lack of self esteem. Never cuddled or kissed and rarely praised made me into a self sufficient I can go it alone type of person. Hyper vigilant, highly critical of myself and others, a perfectionist, that's my normal. The one thing it taught me was to be a good mother. No children of mine would suffer like that. They were told they are loved unconditionally.
Omg! I just found out too a few weeks back after 42 years that the man I thought was my father was not my biological father! My mother finally told me and like you, I'm in the midst of processing it... Thank you SOOO much for sharing your own story, it makes me feel far less alone!
Thank you so much for doing this video. The Fatherless wound runs very deep in me and plays out in my life by having huge fear of abandonment issues, unworthy of love and happiness, and so many of the other issues you mention. At the age of 52, I wish I had done the inner work needed to heal when I was in my 20’s because it has effected every intimate partner relationship I’ve had. And, mostly, my relationship with myself 🖤
Thank you for this video. My mother married 3 times. I never met my biological father- my mother left him when I was an infant because he was a verbally abusive alcoholic. He also had Tourette’s syndrome which may have led to his alcoholism. When I was a young child I remember having a father come and go- it turns out it was my mom’s second husband - but he left us when I was about 7 or 8 and I never saw him again- that’s when my my mom told me the truth that he wasn’t my real father. My mom married her 3rd husband when I was 9 or 10 - he officially adopted me and they are still together and I’m 44 now. Also, I found out when I was in my early 20s that my biological father passed away at age 47 from liver failure. I never got the chance to meet him. Even though my current step dad is a great man, I will always have these deep father wounds. I am just getting into my healing journey now.
Thank you for sharing this, Dr. Sage. Your vulnerability and wisdom are so appreciated. I love how you touched on an absent or transient father causing a confusing father wound. It's challenging to heal when the object of your distress is amorphous and difficult to describe; when your interactions were so few and far between that there is no relationship to deconstruct in therapy. I think trying to heal from an absent or transient father is like trying to figure out how to recover from a string of terrible interactions with a stranger. Inevitably, you blame yourself because you can't figure out why someone who doesn't even know you would treat you so badly... other than you being inherently damaged and repulsive. Your self-concept is affected by his warped concept of you. His hatred of you becomes your self-hatred. His criticism of you becomes your self-criticism, his neglect becomes your self-neglect, and so on. My big takeaway from your video is we need to learn to reparent and love ourselves to release these perceptions we've internalized. They're not true to who we are because our fathers never saw us for who we are, so it's up to us to rewrite our identities. I've worked on this for years and I'm still working on it. And I wish the best for everyone else in the same place.
hi, i later learned that my father gave his time and love to his other children from his later marriages, and i received was his crumbs. Today i learned to not care much for him
We called ours a Fairweather Father, only around when the coast was clear and he didn't have to get involved or take responsibility for us. He mainly treated us as a business deal. He's made a tiny effort in the last few year but decades too late, but I'll take it, if only to have some positive memories.
My daughter's father is a covert narcissist, he went no contact the day I told him i was pregnant. Never heard from him since, it breaks my heart that my daughter will suffer the consequences of his selfishness.
I remember requesting this video after your motherless video so thank you, Dr., for making this video despite this being a difficult topic for you to discuss.
I need to open up about this topic. I've been in recovery since '82..a long time. Whenever I'd bring up about my dad, most folks would say having a dad could have been worse. A little background..mom was an alcoholic, I never knew my dad. The story was he flew so many missions over Germany killing women and children he couldn't bring a child into this world. He left I guess after finding out, mom tried to get an abortion yet back then everything was hush hush..she couldn't go thru with it. She tried to commit suicide..that didn't work either.. Grandma brought her home to take care of her. Grandma I loved her dearly yet she was so dysfunctional. Growing up mom and her would fight. Most of the time I was in the middle trying to stop the fight so grandma wouldn't get hurt.. Thru the years, I'd hear the story over and over. Then while in recovery I wrote a letter to my aunt asking about my dad..she told me my last name is not my father's name. I grew up in a happy and wonderful home and I shouldn't be asking about him because there's no way to locate him. I went thru such an identity crisis. Thank God I was in therapy and was able to work thru those issues. Grandma died peacefully. Mom died an alcoholic..a death that no human being needed to endure. I know I saw the devil in her eyes on a couple of occasions during the last stages of alcoholism. Thru the years, I've been able to separate the disease from my mom. May she rest in peace. As for dad, I grieve the daddy times I imagine other little girls are having. It has been tough. Thank you for sharing. I truly appreciate these special times of acknowledging my feelings. I do have a spiritual mother and father..Mary and Jesus..I try to stay close to them..I need a family.
This was so helpful, my dad is an abusive narcissist and my mom took her own life when I was a teenager, leaving me alone with him so all his rage and mental mind games were focused on me instead. I have a difficult time trusting men and intimacy is the hardest thing of all to be open to. I’m making progress in therapy but it’s very difficult to be vulnerable alone in the presence of a man and not think of him as a threat.
My father was my nurturing parent.. and my sexual abuser. My mother was rejecting and neglectful. Decades later, I deduced that she knew all along what he was doing to me.. and did nothing. So, yeah. I wasn't fatherless but I was, if that makes sense. It's a lot to deal with.
Jill, I am so sorry you went through what you did, but grateful that it turned you into the most inciteful and compassionate therapist! You are a such a wonderful woman and deserve to be happy and loved. My father wound has caused me project that original hurt onto all relationships, especially with men. I never count on other men, it's very easy for me to create a mental list of all their faults and failures as a man. I struggle with being able to receive genuine love and friendship from all people as a result. The way I deal with this terrible pain is instead of looking for a good male role model at home from my father or step dad, I surrounded myself with strong male role models, my music teachers, sports coaches, Boy Scout leaders, bosses were generally exceptional examples of good men that God put into my life. I don't know if I would have ever been a good father but I think I made a pretty good husband as a result of seeing all the good men around me. I often gravitated towards girls with great dads growing up, I would eat dinner at their house whenever possible, and spend every waking minute away from my home and at my girlfriend's home. In hindsight her parents must have seen that I was hurting to want to connect so closely to another family.
I just realized watching this vid, that my grandfather was the only adult person in my life, where I experienced myself safely without judgements. He was calm, quite and tranquil. He was paradoxically also the reason my mother was traumatized. Not my parents, not teachers, or any adults in life were safe for me. Only him. The irony he was not even trying to be. He just took me to hikes. That is all I needed. Someone with me who did not talk or judge, was just present. My mother often noted that I am a lot like him. The irony. I have a feeling like I share many of grandfathers neurodivergent traits, including HSP. My mother used to jokingly say that its like I am not even their child. They always had conditions on everything. I was out of sync with them my whole life. No matter what I did I could not be myself with them. My parents bring out the worst in me.
Thanks - Literally Crying - I Just lost My Daddy 2 Years ago age 73 to Covid - SO LOSING HIM HAS BEEN THE HARDEST THING I'VE BEEN THROUGH MOURNING THE LOSS AND THE "WHAT COULD OF BEEN" PUTTING HIM SO HIGH WHEN HE DIDN'T DESERVE IT - LIKE A DREAM THAT I WISHED WOULD COME TRUE OR WOULD HAVE - We were all a very happy family from My Memories as a kid He was very loving & attentive they had arguments yes but seemed Happy - Then One Day My Daddy left I was 10 years old Sibs / bro 9 / sis 6 - I remember because I was a Daddy's Girl - waiting for him to come home and He never did - -- We were literally "Abandoned" Mom decides which she was very unemotionally attached she decides -- Well It's a Party Now and never came home but randomly we had no food no clean clothes half the time no electricity / water - I became the MOM to my younger sibs - to the point I had no clue what to do what If they got hurt what if this what if that - I knew We had food at school Breakfast and Lunch -- I Over worried about them to the point of so much anxiety - Anyway growing up into my teens I had moved in with My grandmother who raised me from age 11 - 18 when I moved out She was MY ROCK!!!!! She showed me unconditional Love - But Daddy just constantly put me down - demeaned me degraded me I was not good enough - I always did everything wrong and very vocal about how disappointed He was with me - He was VERY Hard on me and mind you this was OVER THE PHONE Rarely in person - Our communication was ME CALLING HIM - TRYING TO GET HIS LOVE AND ATTENTION HOPING HE WOULD LOVE ME EVEN THE I LOVE YOU'S AFTER I SAID IT WERE NOT "REAL" - LIKE JUST A REPETITION OF SAYING IT BACK - He did remarry ( My Step Monster ) Literally that's what I call HER! ( stories I could tell about her that would blow your mind ) She hated me from the time she met me age 14 - Jealousy? I dunno My Grandmother his Mom said she knows she was jealous of me I was His Twin -- We looked just alike - and when I would call to talk to my Dad she would hang up or say he wasn't there anything to come in between us... Anyway I was Never Good Enough - His words were so hurtful and harsh - was rejected all the time - BUT I NEVER EVER GAVE UP ON BONDING WITH HIM BY CALLING HIM AND WANTING HIS LOVE SO BADLY - SO MOURNING HIS LOSS WAS LIKE A DOUBLE LOSS NO LONGER HERE PHYSICALLY AND THE LOSS OF NEVER HAVING A TRUE FATHER DAUGHER RELATIONSHIP TO MAKE ME FEEL WANTED LOVED SAFE ETC --- THIS HAS BEEN SOOOOOOO PAINFUL I CRY ALL THE TIME MISSING HIM AND WHAT WE NEVER GOT TO HAVE TOGETHER
My dad died suddenly when I was almost 7. I thought I dealt with it well into adulthood, but I’m sure it impacts even unconsciously. For a start in very aware of mortality, he was 34, and I grew up knowing that people close you can just suddenly die. Which most people probably don’t have ingrained in them. It also meant that I grew up the rest of my life with a bereft mum, grandmother? aunties. I didn’t understand it then but now I’m a parent myself I have a better understanding of what they must have gone through. My sister was a baby and doesn’t remember him, so I feel grateful for what I did get to experience. When you’re so young you don’t know any different.
WOW, you just posted this! Bless you... In addition to my father being terrible at demonstrating his love for me, I also found out the my paternal grandfather was not who they said he was, and was instead his brother, my so-called great-uncle. I found this out in my late 20s, but didn't feel free to explore it properly because most of the family still didn't know. Anyway, it's certainly something that I, at 41, should check myself for. I do still feel the echoes of all these unmet needs. It's a daily thing.
My dad was a kind, loving man. He commit suicide when I was 9. My mum was emotionally immature, narcissistic and aggressive. I'm 51 and have no solid relationships except with my kids. All I have felt my entire life is shame, guilt, no being enough, people pleasing but mainly fear and feeling unsafe. I was sexually abused by my mums brother and I genuinely feel like I will never heal as pretty much everything triggers me and I either freeze or fly. Can you suggest where I start healing please. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this 😢
I never felt loved, appreciated or seen by my mother. On the other hand, my father showed love for me daily. He died at 71. (My mother at 100.) He “could do no wrong” in my mind. BUT after watching this talk today, I’m realizing I too was “fatherless” to some degree. When I would confide in him about my hurt feelings because of my mother, he would always say, “you have to understand your mother”. THAT’S ALL HE WOULD SAY. So now at the age of 79, I am seeing that this man couldn’t help me and didn’t realize how very much I needed to be seen. I still cherish his fatherly love for me but after your talk today, I see that not only did I not have a mother figure….when I needed answers from my father he left me hanging.
My father broke up with my mom and left when I was born, I only got to meet him sometimes when I was little for birthdays and such. As a result of his absence, I grew up in poverty with my sometimes abusive mom. I never really thought that growing up without my father have affected me much, but maybe it has.
I feel this so deeply and can relate to how these wounds show up ❤ From my emotionally unavailable dad during childhood, to when he passed away in my teens. I also feel much of this from the perspective of the physical maternal abandonment I experienced alongside this. I know I have alot to work on here, it has been pushed down for decades. I really appreciate you sharing this Dr Sage especially recently dealing with such a big revelation, but as always, your story is hugely inspiring and motivates me to work on my healing.🙏 On a side note, you have such beautiful vitality and radiance! ❤
Ohh...my... jaw is still stuck on the floor... knew it was coming too, so i just watched... while Dr. Kim delivers the perfect Mike Tyson KO in slow mo... the yt algo, noticed channel content and something... idk, quality of character and integrity? Seen something in you Doc and i wasn't wrong... You're good, really good! and furthermore: omfg you gotta be kidding like no no no coincidence is really... really... same similar healing journey too... anything impossible is probably true then lol
Thank you. It would be interesting to hear more about the connection between father wound and money /financial cptsd.... How it plays out in adult life many times
I really appreciate this video. I was raised by my mom and grandmother (both narcissist), my dad passed away when I was only 2 years old. My mom dedicated to erase his memory through the years, so I grew up very disconnected to who he was. This is very sad and It's one of the worst things my mom ever did.
I didn't even meet my father until I was 27, and it didn't go well because I had opinions and ideas he didn't agree with. I'm 57 now and haven't spoken to him in about 12 years..On the flip side , my youngest daughter has a narcissistic father who only cares about his feelings and is totally emotionally absent from her life. What physical time he spends with her is rarely positive, and he makes it known what an inconvenience having to get her is because he's not allowed to take her 2 hours away to his new gfs house. She's only 14, and I'm afraid it's really going to mess with her head in the long run. It already does. I almost think it was better to grow up without one than have one whose love is conditional...
Hi I’m struggling with father that is not barely bin present in my life to point he has abused me physically and mentally and verbally I’ve never felt love by him maybe when I was younger now both my parents are abandoning me because I do believe that my father has controlled my mother in everyway he can because his childhood trauma clearly he has disowned his family and in result of this I’ve bin constantly seeking wrong men in my life that lead me to very dangerous situations and now I’m stuck in vicious cycle and mentally unstable I feel like giving up this hard place be in and being in and out psych wards for years trying different therapy I’m writing this with tears in my eyes I feel like I’ve given up on myself because labels placed on me I know in my heart I am good person sadly lost myself and person I use to be I’ve turned into this person because of trauma I’ve experienced and people taking advantage of me in every way they can thank you for your channel and talks
I had “therapy” from the early eighties on. You’re the first one to talk about this. It’s really validating but I wish someone had taken me seriously back then.
my father alive but he never come back, all my life he is trying to avoid us. I feel so sorry for my mother. Now I live in her attachment style 😢how can I resolve 3 people’s wounds….
My father died when u was nearly 3. At the time, I didn't think too much into it. But look back, I missed that male energy. 😔 my mother was a good parent but I still without a father, I still had abandonment issues.
Could you make a video on being completely parentless? Not that I have been in the foster care system or anything but I’ve never met. My father and my mother walked out on me 3 times when was a teenager and left me with my grandparents and now she’s completely blocked. Contact with me because of her poor decisions (bad relationships, drinking addiction).
I understand you had to cover a lot of ground, but I wanted to share this with my son who's father only showed up to take him and have fun on the weekend, never gave us child support, help me when my son would bend my boundary rules as the main caregiver, literally bashed me and sided with my 10 year old complaints about me instead of guiding him to respect me, told him to ignore me, she's crazy and he was an alcoholic and drug addict (reason I left him when my son was young because I didn't want to raise him in that environment). I never married his dad and got pregnant on a weak point and he was a bar tender and made me laugh. To this day, my son thinks I am controlling (even when I enabled him when I raised him so he would love me...because of my CPTSD of a narcissistic mother). I still pray my son will someday understand the true dynamics of his father. His dad literally twisted my son's mind on me trying to raise him responsible and to help mold him to be the best he could be in his future life. His dad even went to jail for kidnapping, stalking and raping another women (after he did that with me). I never shared the trauma I went through with his dad. If I even came close to explaining that his dad was having all the fun with him and not taking any real responsibility in the tough stuff, my son would get mad at me and side with his dad because his dad brain washed him to love him more than me. My son is now 35 and is not talking to me because I set boundaries instead of giving into him.
Just to share my experience... I never knew my father, my stepfather(boyfriend?) blackmailed us, and mother had a conditional love. You have a good point, where being conditioned for conditional love leaves us wanting to do more and more, but in the end never making us really feel complete at all. I guess I see this pattern in my life. I must keep doing something whether that be getting a difficult certificate, exercising a lot, being "successful", etc. This is not easy to heal from, I have a lot of work to do...
Wow. I related to the masculine rigidity/control, anger issues and the resultant feelings of poor boundaries, perfectionism, and self doubt and YES I always seem to pick partners that emotionally stunted, and eventually the painful fallout of that. I never really connected those parts of my experience to my experience of my father.
My father left me at 8 mos never saw him again. My grandmother cared for me while my mother worked 2 jobs, but she died when I was 4. Then my aunt became my care giver but she was a raging narcissist. Lots of other bad stuff went down, but at 59 i think i can safely say that the worse day of my life was the day my father left although I couldn't know it at the time.
My dad died 7 years ago who was criminal. I had no true bond with him at all or a relationship with my dad at all. I would go around his family, I got to know my half-siblings, and cousins. I would sometimes go spend the night to his mothers home but he never attended to me, he was self absorbed, sexist, not protective, not caring, he didn’t care whether I was alive or not and he was emotionally unavailable. So, when he died I just felt really empty tbh because he never raised me well or taught me anything about life at all. I was also sexually abused by a male sibling which was one of his sons. I gave up on having a father and just closed that vault/sealed it. I don’t look for a father figure either.
I didn't know who my bio father was. I had a step dad from a young age but lots of abuse. Still unpacking that tramua. I didn't find out my brother and I had different fathers until I wanted to do dna test.. ancestry. My mom told me I had a different dad when I was 30.. 30!! Ugh anyway I also found out I have 15 half siblings... lol.. I am now finding myself in this at 38 years old.
My mum and dad were together, but shouldn't have bn. I was afraid every day. They shouted so much and he hit her sometimes, but not showing. I wasn't allowed to love him because my mum and older brother hated him. He died when I was 17, after years of heart problems. 31 years later, I still don't really know how to feel. I should have bn taken into care. I knew they both loved me, but love isn't enough to fix stuff. It was a mess all round.
In fairy tales, a lot of the time the negative interactions with the evil stepmother, queen, or mother, the father is missing. It's been suggested that the father's job is to provide boundaries and protections against the narcissistic mother with the daughter or son. My dad worked all the time so he wasn't around to protect us, and when he was around, he drank. In a lot of cases, people tell me that their father was around but not emotionally there for them. Not that the traditional roles for the father were all that great, but it probably isn't going to get better anytime soon because marriage for many people has a lot of downsides. 😞 PS I decided early in life not to have children because of what I experienced growing up in my family. They're a lot of people out there like that men, women and other.
@@drivethruabortion280 I have friends that are trans or gay and their role isn't quite the Donna Reed Show although some of the dynamics are the same as the Donna Reed Show in their own way.
Thank you for doing this video. My father's father was absent from his life and therefore his father wound was ever present in my family. My mother wound is primary but her constant inappropriate commentary regarding my father made a healthy relationship with my never-absent father impossible. As always, it's complicated.
Both my kids fathers are emotionally absent and unavailable and dont show any care in their lives. Am a single stay at home mom raising 2 kids and this men dont care the impact the do on their children and I too was raised by relatives my narc mother was absent from my life since I was 3 years old and as an adult I cut her off because there was no relationship between us. I grieved the father i wished my kids had and i grieved the mother I wished i had growing up. It hurts
I was emotionally abused my whole life by a father figure. Most of my wounds stem from him. Then i learnt that he wasnt my biological dad when he died. I know who the real dad is now but he still wasnt there in my life. Trying to reconnect but don't know how to go about it.. trust issues with men. Harder to be candid with them. I understand why he wasn't there for me.. don't really need to bring up that side of healing with him.
I was adopted and know zero about either bio parents. I believe in primal wound, and it left me starting out below zero. My adopted Dad was great, but he died 21 years ago. Mom is a narcissist, and he was her “handler”. Once he was gone, the whole fam fell to shit. Ugh, it sucks.
Hi all! I am almost back on track with posting - but i wanted to say thank you so much for being here --and let you know that i literally read almost all of your comments (but I get overwhelmed at responding and with working, life etc -and just a "like" feels too little sometimes too) but that i hear you, and i see you and that your pain and stories really do matter to me and inform my work here. xoxo
It’s unrealistic to think you could comment on all these comments while making these emotionally intensive videos:) I hope you give yourself a lot of relaxation and many breaks. The videos are more than enough:)
Hi Kim do you remember me, i commented on 1 of your first videos saying your content was good and all you need is luck, look how far you have come in a few years 160k subscribers 😊 you were in the low hundreds, well done good work and still good content
@@Mark-fx3ppthis is not luck, it's hardwork and guts in sharing and teaching about awful situations in families
Thanks for sharing 👍
Has anyone reached out to any of the newly transitioned trans males to see if they can help teach boys become men?
Having a father but never really connecting emotionally, being neglected and also being sexualised by him, I have a lot to heal from
Sexualised or Neglected. Choose one.
You can be both
I have never heard someone talk about this subject. Only have one memory of my father. He told me to go inside and take care of my mother. Been trying to do that since I was four years old. 63 now she’s 97. I’m all the layers you’ve discribed. Longed for a father. Ugghhhh
Thanks for this video. My biological father was a "no show" for 99.9% of the time and we lived in the same city. I stayed with him overnight at his house when I was ~ 15. It was weird, uncomfortable and he did not open up. A 2nd time I reached out was when I graduated High school and he just didn't know what to say. He did manage to stop at the liquor store before going home so there's that. When I graduated with my Master's Degree he was supposed to meet my mom and I and he bailed. I was 25 years old and it was the first time I ever spoke to his mom on the phone (my grandmother!) and all she did was berate him. So I am open to the possibility that he did me a favor.
My mother remarried when I was ~4 and adopted me. I loved my new dad for a time but he was into drugs. I walked around in a haze of pot smoke until I was 10 and we fled back home to another state. He at some point he had turned to cocaine, started being very erratic, and was starting to hang out with icky people. So I lost what was my family, pets, school, ballet, friends and what was "normal" for me. I am 56 and still process the loss. My mom continued in her poor choices of men. What I learned was that drugs annihilate families and I have never done drugs. So I can thank my step dad for that. Later in life I went "no contact" with him. I met the man of my dreams in college and am happily married. I know that I can be triggered by someone saying they will do X, Y and Z and can't, don't or won't. That's on me. My hubby (who deserved a gold medal btw) KNOWS how crazy my mom was and gets it. He's got his own "absent father" who came home ever day after work but who wasn't there. We've taught each other a lot and have grown together a lot. OK whoever read to the end of this...THANK YOU. That was a lot I know.
Ouch. I thought my narcissistic mother was the one that created most of my wounds, but this video shows otherwise.
55 never married. Had a six-year, two-and-a-half and around there relationships. I only dated men that were emotionally unavailable which I did not identify until about 10 years ago when I went into recovery and stopped dating.
My father was a whole mix of a bunch of those that you listed. Was gone before we woke up and home around 6:30 or later. He was a log truck owner and we were his for little slaves that worked on his truck while he talked on the phone.
He was verbally and physically and we feared him. I don't ever remember having a conversation with him. It was just him ordering us around and telling us how stupid we were and telling us we had rocks in our heads. When he lifted his hand we all duct because we know he was going to hit us on the back of the head and we would go flying across the room.
We were to be seen and not heard. We were robots and his slaves.
My parents were forced to divorce after 19 years of marriage when my sister had a mental health break down and they would not release her from the mental hospital until my parents were separated.
My dad only touched me when he was physically abusing me. I recall him grabbing me by the hair and throwing me on the ground. Pinning me down on my hands and knees and kicking me in the ass on the way out the other door in the middle of winter with no shoes or jacket on. I was too embarrassed to go to the neighbors for help.
Not that they would help us as my father would make us strip in the backyard and he would hold her arm while beating the s*** out of us with the orange race car tracks.
I hated him all my life and had no desire to have a relationship with him.
He passed when I was 45 and of course I got stuck caring for him. My youngest brother wanted nothing more than my father to tell him that he was proud of him and to give him a hug.
My father refused so I kicked him out of my house. The bastard had the nerve to tell me that I was successful because he was such a strict parent. I told him don't you dare take responsibility for my success. I did it all on my own since I was 11 years.
After my dad died my brother spiraled downhill and got into drugs and has been fighting addiction for the last 11 + years because his goddamn dad refused to tell him he was proud of him and to hug.
These bastards don't deserve to have kids.
Found out he had a child before he met my mother. They also gave a full-blooded child away for adoption. Why couldn't those f******stop popping out for more kids when they absolutely hated and told us what a burden we were ever single day of our lives.
I thought I had grieve the loss of my parents but my counseling group advised that I go into grief counseling.
I don't know how to grieve. I found out my step father wasn't my "real" father when I got pregnant and needed my birth certificate to marry the worthless piece of humanity I some how got pregnant from at age barely 16.
The "wedding" was an out of body experience. Like always I was not asked what I wanted. Somehow I got married. Moved in with this stranger who stayed a stranger forever.
Emotionally absent mother. A physicaly and emotionaly abusive stepfather who I was told was my real father.
Amazing how fu*ked up our "caretakers" can make us. 73 and can't cry for what has been missing in my life.
It's very validating to finally have someone talk about this subject. My dad died 3 months before I was born. I have a sister 8 years older than me and two older brothers. ( none of us are really connected as a family unit anymore - I tried until it was just too hard). I was born in 1960 and back then nothing was talked about. Death, emotions - anything. My sister says she got " your dad died today" and that was it. No hugs - nothing . . So I can about imagine what was going on inside of my mom and also me in her womb. I think she left me to cry myself to sleep because once she told me I never cried. (?) ? I have 3 pictures of my dad. I think she just completely emotionally shut down after he died. I have mentioned it to every counselor I ever went to and apparently none felt that was important enough to discuss. They can certainly label you with things though. At this point I have decided I am just ME. Everything I have lived through is so complicated most people just can't even go there because they can't imagine. There were no uncles or any male that even tried to show me that men are kind & dependable. Male teachers even for the most part. My mom would never have allowed another man " to raise her children" anyway I realize that but she didn't have the emotional capacity to either. I sort of slowly took his place. I took care of her until she died at 96 and wow by then I was so worn out. I ended up trying to be the best at everything (better than anyone) I did so that I could even begin to be as good as anyone else. That doesn't work. It did cause a lot of the things that you talked about. Along with that fundamental religion taught me I was to be a "good girl" and honor her no matter what. I always wanted to make her ok so then I could be too. It was all backwards. I'm glad to be alive and just realize that I do matter as much as any one else and I have nothing to prove to anyone. I am exhausted a lot of days and I have found help through social media such as this and a couple others but no therapist in my area seems to have a clue about this sort of situation. Please don't anyone suggest on line therapy because I'm not going to subject myself to being retraumatized by any more people who claim to know how to help you. I am glad to see that there is beginning to be awareness & knowledgeable people trying to help others instead of just pathologizing people. Understanding and empathy can REALLY go a long way.
Wow this could be my family! My father died in 1959 leaving my mother with 7 children aging from 18 yrs down to 5 years of age. We moved, changed schools,lost friends, no car and my mother did not work - moms were mostly in the home. We never grieved him we just got on with it. Our family is forever fractured. My mother was fantastic, went to work and devoted her life to us. All our photos are of our forever young dad ( he was 43 when he died). Unfortunately we also heard all the grudges against him from the older siblings ( they still talk this way) . We never heard the other side until I was reacquainted with cousins. Very correct to say that you did not seem to matter in the sibling crowd - I never fit in. My father became the “elephant in the room” at every gathering. Years later when I was ill my mother told me I had to ask my father to guide and protect me. She never spoke that way ( ever) so I took her advice and felt so attached to my father I cannot even explain it except to say I knew he loved me. I think of him often - see him in my children and also see things that remind me of him. I was very interested in my younger sister’s comment that she was always trying to marry her father, seeking the unknown in another person. Know that you are loved!
"Dad, I love you and I forgive you" "I know you would like to have a relationship with me" " I love you dad and I releasse you now, know that I have forgiven you for leaving me"
Please find the courage to forgive your father for not being there for you. Forgiveness is the only way to set yourself free. I say a similar mantra every day in the shower and I feel lighter in spirit and happy. I had aa similar experience with my dear mother who passed away at 36 years old. I was a year old. She was too ill to mother me and care for me. Like you, there was no closure when she passed. She needs no forgiveness however, forgiveness is a big part of one's healing process.
Thank you for this wonderful video Kim!
Nothing was talked about back then....I can really relate to that. I want to and need to talk about things!!!
I needed my dad to save me from my mom, but he was hiding from her too. He was scared of her, and an enabler. She sucked the life out of him.
If we wanted his attention we had to intentionally put oursleves in his path. Neither he or my mom were ever present for our sports events, concerts, etc. But he was a really nice guy and everyone liked him.
I was so focused on the abuse inflicted by my mom I barely noticed until my counselor one day said, "What about your dad?"
Sounds familiar. Mine went to the bar every day after work instead of coming home and dealing with my mom and providing any protection or support. He was always on the edge of rage. He scared me most of the time, but my mom was worse. She is a crazy narcissist. It’s all crazy.
Wow❣️ You are telling my story completely as my dad lived with us but my mom wore "the pants" in our house and in all matters. Mama was "my disciplinarian" whereas my younger brother always got away with murder❣️😩
Thank you for this video. The fathering energy within so many women is wounded too!
When I was younger and with other men, I was very aware that I was not socialized the same way. It often felt like there was a glass wall between us. I spent most my time with my mother and her mom. They were both outgoing, but accepting of my quiet nature. It was easy to express my feelings with them. On the whole, sharing feelings did not go over well with other men, so my closest friends tended to be women. I now have a good mix of friends, people of different ages and different walks of life, so all worked out well in the end. Nonetheless, the absence of consistent fathering made it hard to get launched in life.
Hi Kim. My father was killed when I was 7, however he wasn't really there even when he was alive as he had left the home. He had mistresses and other children. I am a mess because I never had a father figure to love me, so I looked for love from men when I got older. I am 56 and still feel abandoned by my father. This has affected my entire life and I wish I could get past this and be okay with me. ❤
I hear you, Lisa ❤🌹
Lisa, I joined the military at 17 years old in part because I grew up with the same night terror of being killed in combat at a young age.
I spent the next 25 years on and off the battlefield; and lost a lot good friends; a whole platoon special forces; some our best in one day; and went through physical therapy with
Mike Durant, ( The Blackhawk pilot in Mogadishu Somalia in 1993 ).
I then retired after taking a pretty good hit in 2003 during the first phase of the ground war in a middle east sandbox.
I gave myself a year to recover after a couple of failed surgeries at Walter Reed to repair me, and ultimately retired in 2005.
I am required to have PTSD, ( now called PTSS ), re-evaluations, and each time I am asked to describe my combat experiences; once I begin, it only takes a few minutes before the psychiatrist asks me to please stop, ( because they do not wish to have those images in their head either ).
I am telling you this only because it just takes one simple thought to move on, focus forward; and continue on from here; "all these experiences are behind me, and in the past; and we are not going that way, anyways".
I hope something beautiful happens for you today; it all starts with a single thought; the fact remains despite anything; you are and always will be someone's beautiful daughter.
This next suggestion may sound silly; but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you will see a change; if every morning before or after brushing your teeth; you look yourself in the mirror, and say; "I love you" ten, ( 10 ) times and try to continue this routine for at least 14 days; at which point you can evaluate the impact it has on your outlook and vantage point and how your life has seemingly changed; those who are disciplined enough to do it for a full 90 days report to experience the differences to become permanent.
You will experience different thoughts and reactions as you do it; and some may even make you pause momentarily before you say it ten times.
You may laugh, and feel silly for doing it at first, but if you stick with it; you will notice a difference(s); how we feel about ourselves is fundamentally important in our ability to navigate everything in life.
Foray, it takes less than a minute and you have nothing to lose; so why not give a chance.
As hard as it can be to forgive anyone; or everyone; we often overlook, forget or find it the hardest to include that one person; the person in the mirror.
Best wishes
Addendum: something compelled to reply, I hope something within this helps; " because I typed this with one thumb on my cellphone .. lol
Thank you Dr Kim for your video which I’m sure was difficult for you. I understand that pain. It runs deep. The endless longing for your Daddy who will never come home at age 2. I adored him. I waited for him everyday. I couldn’t express my grief and I stopped talking after he died.
The pain lasts a lifetime. The limerence for other men who remind you of the Daddy you lost. The abuse you endure hoping he’ll be like your Daddy but never measures up.
The lack of ambition, assertiveness that a father figure gives you. Embarrassed you didn’t have a Daddy in elementary school and then go to college and jealous of your friends who had one. I miss you Daddy. See you soon
My biological father left us when I was 2. I don’t remember him. But all my life I feel the feeling of loss, longing, yarning ti be protected and adored by a father.
My dad was killed before i was born.... in a motorbike accident. My mum was on the back of the bike and was pregnant with me. She was recovering in hospital for a year so, when I was born, i was whisked off to be cared for by my paternal grandparents. My mum met another man who was working in the hospital plastering the walls of her ward.......they struck up a relationship. Suddenly, after she was discharged from hospital, they had this baby to care for...... it didn't fit into his plan but he loved my mum so he married her. It turns out I was in the way..... and it took me decades to realise mum never defended me as she was stifled by him....maybe even scared. I became the family scapegoat....and now i have c-ptsd. I was not allowed to ask questions about my real dad and feel guilt when i imagine her and him (step-father) collecting me from my real dads parents..... It must have hurt them deeply as they had just lost their only child who had only been married for 9 weeks. My mums best efforts to protect me was to send me to my room to avoid him verbally demolishing me every single day......right up until he died just 2 years ago. I am 63.
We have a somewhat similar story. Sucks doesn't it to have a Mother in the house but might as well not been there? I have a disaciotiated memory of her. As if she was a ghost. She died when I was 13. Have no memory of anyone attempting to comfort me. Nope. I don't know how to grieve.
Im so sorry you went through that
No one ever talks about fathers. My daddy was my safety. As young as five I knew something was wrong with my mother and my daddy was safe. One day, at the age of eight he just never came home. To cut things short; at the age of 36 he told me he never bonded with me and left me on purpose, and as an adult, I just had to get over that.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Mine was my safety too.
❤
I'm praying some day my son realizes his dad was a dead beat, but his dad was always taking him on the weekend sometimes and having fun and telling him to ignore me, I'm crazy, etc. My son is 35 and isn't talking to me. His dad really did a number on him about me. I am glad you finally found out the truth...even though it hurt you. God bless you.
How insensitive. Jeeze.
😱
This is my story. I think the absence of a father sets one up to be retraumatized. There is no solution, even after years of therapy, meditation, yoga. Thank you for talking about this. “It is what it is.”
I also feel this way. I am 41 and still missing and yearning that father figure. And it messes up with a lot in my life subconsciously.
Yoga lol
My dad died of a brain aneurysm at 38. I was 10. I believed, and still do to some degree, that it was my fault. I was a burden and a stressor in his life, that's why he died. I've carried that core belief into every relationship since. I must not burden others. I must relieve their stress, even to my own detriment.
Please don't think that way. No matter what anyone says, you're not a burden!!!
No no no, it was absolutely not your fault at all. Repeat after me; I am not a burden, I am a gift in someone's life.
My dad died at 38 when I was 10 also . It has had a big effect on my life . I have abandonment issues . I know he didn't leave by choice but it hurts so much still and I am 65 now .
@starlightdreamer1999 I completely understand. The abandonment issue just will not heal.
It's been 55 years now since he died. It still hurts, and I still miss him. I recently had a dream that he didn't really die, he's just been on a secret mission for the FBI. My dreams are still from the mind of a 10 year old. So strange.
my god what i would do for a therapist like you.
Yeah, me too..she is fantastic I have learned more from her videos in the last few weeks than years with my therapist .
One of points you made that stood out to me was the point about conditional love.
In my experience as a human, but also a therapist, this type of conditional & transactional love is incredibly damaging and harmful.
It leads individuals to think they have to earn their worth to be able to receive love.
Thanks for another great video.
I recommend the book "Fatherless" by Elyse Wakerman. I grew up without a father, he died the year I turned 3. Mom never remarried or partnered again - she was 43 when he died and she transitioned at age 85. I continue to sort the strands of my life out, but that book (which I first read in about 1986 for an undergrad thesis) exploded my brain. It remains one of a small number of books the are the core of my personal library.
I feel less alone. My father also died when I was 3, my mom didn't remarry but she did have partners that she never told me of. I found out about it and felt like she is cheating on him, it was a learning moment for me.
Transitioned as in...to a man now?
@@esperanzamunoz2725I think maybe that means she died?
I pull up your channel for comfort a lot. Thank you.
My father left when I was 4. I never knew him. I married for the first time when I was 18 to a 34 yr old man. 3 more failed marriages. I am now at 76 in the last of those disasterous marriages. This is the fallout of loss of my father…
I am so sorry. I am 41 and my biological father left when I was 2. I don’t remember but all my life I have deep pain of loss, yarning to be adored and protected. 1 failed marriage and a lot of trust issues and abandonment / security issues. I tend to attract unavailable men (be it distance, work, emotional coldness ) etc.
I had the horrific mix of an absent father who was a workaholic/perfectionist and never validated me at all while living in the same house with a very unwell mother with bipolar who dumped all her problems on me from when i was 7 onwards (this was right after being abused by other people)... Even 15 and 25 years after their deaths I'm still traumatised. I yearn so much for a present dad and stable mother... i'm so tired. I had to carry so many burdens from a young child on. Even after properly waking up to all this 7 years ago I'm still coming out of the trauma and with great effort trying to get going...Cos although I woke up my 'emotional muscles' were paralysed for 38 years..
This really hit home for me, so much damage was done to me from my father as well. Ty for educating us so we can all hopefully learn, grow and heal 🙏
Thank you! You’re an angle in human form.
Yipp....this is me. Its killing me emotionally. 🥴😵💫😖🤦🏼♂️
My dad used my mother to mother him. When I came along he resented me for all the attn we kids were taking away from him, from my mom. My mom and I had a closeness that he felt threatened by. All his unprocessed anger from his childhood came out on me. He would say that my siblings scaring me at night was just "normal". And then when I expressed fear he belittled me and yelled at me. He would make fun of me in front of people but disguise it as "coaching" me. He was the worst possible father for me. I believe in myself again and I'm rediscovering my unbridled confidence and zest, belief in being my best. I don't miss him at all. My oldest bro is just like him. So I go easy with him. I know where he got it from. Okay, thank you Dr Kim. We can be the father we deserved, to a certain extent. So be kind and supportive of yourselves....Oh one more thing....I just wanted my father to once say, "I'm proud of you". Didn't happen. Too many memories....my dad would get mad at me for expressing affection for girls when I was young. Lol. OMG he was a case. Wow, the last 2:00 mins of this video is a mystery novel!!??
Thank you Kim, I felt this growing up with my dad and still do. My dad is a Narcissist. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am the oldest out of five children my parents had. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. My mother is also Narcissist. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope . God is Love. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I been a Christian for over ten years. I got support from my friends from church.
Greater is He who is in you than He who is in the world. 1John 4:4
This video is hard for me to witness. It brings me peace knowing I am not alone however. My father was sexually abusive, controlling and involved with the Mormon religion. I stopped all contact at age 19 and have not attempted to have a conversation with them since. I am grateful for my school counselors and teachers who reassured me that the things I experienced at home are not normal. I am grateful for my therapists in my adulthood who have given me tools to guide me with in my healing. Your channel has inspired a lot of reflection... thank you for being you... and thank you for also sharing that trauma we experience doesn't ever stop hurting us it just gets easier to deal with the memories.
you are a genius woman, thank you for your work and sharing, it is so invaluable❤
Thanks for discussing the father relationship. I’ve been so damaged by his treatment of me, my siblings, & even how I saw him treat my mom. My mom wasn’t perfect, but I watched her try. As I got older & found myself in an abusive relationship I understood her more than I ever thought I would. It took a long time, but I’m now in a good place, but my father wound is still there.
This resonates! My father was unavailable emotionally. A heavy drinker, physically he lashed out quickly, was fine one day, difficult the next. it's exhausting to cope with that as I never knew what to expect. Criticism was the norm. Being told I'd never make anything of myself left me with a lack of self esteem. Never cuddled or kissed and rarely praised made me into a self sufficient I can go it alone type of person. Hyper vigilant, highly critical of myself and others, a perfectionist, that's my normal. The one thing it taught me was to be a good mother. No children of mine would suffer like that. They were told they are loved unconditionally.
Omg! I just found out too a few weeks back after 42 years that the man I thought was my father was not my biological father! My mother finally told me and like you, I'm in the midst of processing it... Thank you SOOO much for sharing your own story, it makes me feel far less alone!
Thank you so much for doing this video. The Fatherless wound runs very deep in me and plays out in my life by having huge fear of abandonment issues, unworthy of love and happiness, and so many of the other issues you mention. At the age of 52, I wish I had done the inner work needed to heal when I was in my 20’s because it has effected every intimate partner relationship I’ve had. And, mostly, my relationship with myself 🖤
Thank you for this video. My mother married 3 times. I never met my biological father- my mother left him when I was an infant because he was a verbally abusive alcoholic. He also had Tourette’s syndrome which may have led to his alcoholism. When I was a young child I remember having a father come and go- it turns out it was my mom’s second husband - but he left us when I was about 7 or 8 and I never saw him again- that’s when my my mom told me the truth that he wasn’t my real father. My mom married her 3rd husband when I was 9 or 10 - he officially adopted me and they are still together and I’m 44 now. Also, I found out when I was in my early 20s that my biological father passed away at age 47 from liver failure. I never got the chance to meet him. Even though my current step dad is a great man, I will always have these deep father wounds. I am just getting into my healing journey now.
Thank you for sharing this, Dr. Sage. Your vulnerability and wisdom are so appreciated. I love how you touched on an absent or transient father causing a confusing father wound. It's challenging to heal when the object of your distress is amorphous and difficult to describe; when your interactions were so few and far between that there is no relationship to deconstruct in therapy.
I think trying to heal from an absent or transient father is like trying to figure out how to recover from a string of terrible interactions with a stranger. Inevitably, you blame yourself because you can't figure out why someone who doesn't even know you would treat you so badly... other than you being inherently damaged and repulsive. Your self-concept is affected by his warped concept of you. His hatred of you becomes your self-hatred. His criticism of you becomes your self-criticism, his neglect becomes your self-neglect, and so on.
My big takeaway from your video is we need to learn to reparent and love ourselves to release these perceptions we've internalized. They're not true to who we are because our fathers never saw us for who we are, so it's up to us to rewrite our identities.
I've worked on this for years and I'm still working on it. And I wish the best for everyone else in the same place.
hi, i later learned that my father gave his time and love to his other children from his later marriages, and i received was his crumbs. Today i learned to not care much for him
We called ours a Fairweather Father, only around when the coast was clear and he didn't have to get involved or take responsibility for us. He mainly treated us as a business deal. He's made a tiny effort in the last few year but decades too late, but I'll take it, if only to have some positive memories.
My daughter's father is a covert narcissist, he went no contact the day I told him i was pregnant. Never heard from him since, it breaks my heart that my daughter will suffer the consequences of his selfishness.
I remember requesting this video after your motherless video so thank you, Dr., for making this video despite this being a difficult topic for you to discuss.
I need to open up about this topic. I've been in recovery since '82..a long time. Whenever I'd bring up about my dad, most folks would say having a dad could have been worse. A little background..mom was an alcoholic, I never knew my dad. The story was he flew so many missions over Germany killing women and children he couldn't bring a child into this world. He left I guess after finding out, mom tried to get an abortion yet back then everything was hush hush..she couldn't go thru with it. She tried to commit suicide..that didn't work either.. Grandma brought her home to take care of her. Grandma I loved her dearly yet she was so dysfunctional. Growing up mom and her would fight. Most of the time I was in the middle trying to stop the fight so grandma wouldn't get hurt.. Thru the years, I'd hear the story over and over. Then while in recovery I wrote a letter to my aunt asking about my dad..she told me my last name is not my father's name. I grew up in a happy and wonderful home and I shouldn't be asking about him because there's no way to locate him. I went thru such an identity crisis. Thank God I was in therapy and was able to work thru those issues. Grandma died peacefully. Mom died an alcoholic..a death that no human being needed to endure. I know I saw the devil in her eyes on a couple of occasions during the last stages of alcoholism. Thru the years, I've been able to separate the disease from my mom. May she rest in peace. As for dad, I grieve the daddy times I imagine other little girls are having. It has been tough. Thank you for sharing. I truly appreciate these special times of acknowledging my feelings. I do have a spiritual mother and father..Mary and Jesus..I try to stay close to them..I need a family.
Dr Kim! I’m so glad I found your channel!!!
This was so helpful, my dad is an abusive narcissist and my mom took her own life when I was a teenager, leaving me alone with him so all his rage and mental mind games were focused on me instead. I have a difficult time trusting men and intimacy is the hardest thing of all to be open to. I’m making progress in therapy but it’s very difficult to be vulnerable alone in the presence of a man and not think of him as a threat.
My father was my nurturing parent.. and my sexual abuser. My mother was rejecting and neglectful. Decades later, I deduced that she knew all along what he was doing to me.. and did nothing. So, yeah. I wasn't fatherless but I was, if that makes sense. It's a lot to deal with.
Jill, I am so sorry you went through what you did, but grateful that it turned you into the most inciteful and compassionate therapist! You are a such a wonderful woman and deserve to be happy and loved. My father wound has caused me project that original hurt onto all relationships, especially with men. I never count on other men, it's very easy for me to create a mental list of all their faults and failures as a man. I struggle with being able to receive genuine love and friendship from all people as a result. The way I deal with this terrible pain is instead of looking for a good male role model at home from my father or step dad, I surrounded myself with strong male role models, my music teachers, sports coaches, Boy Scout leaders, bosses were generally exceptional examples of good men that God put into my life. I don't know if I would have ever been a good father but I think I made a pretty good husband as a result of seeing all the good men around me. I often gravitated towards girls with great dads growing up, I would eat dinner at their house whenever possible, and spend every waking minute away from my home and at my girlfriend's home. In hindsight her parents must have seen that I was hurting to want to connect so closely to another family.
Thank you, Kim.
I just realized watching this vid, that my grandfather was the only adult person in my life, where I experienced myself safely without judgements. He was calm, quite and tranquil. He was paradoxically also the reason my mother was traumatized. Not my parents, not teachers, or any adults in life were safe for me. Only him. The irony he was not even trying to be. He just took me to hikes. That is all I needed. Someone with me who did not talk or judge, was just present. My mother often noted that I am a lot like him. The irony. I have a feeling like I share many of grandfathers neurodivergent traits, including HSP. My mother used to jokingly say that its like I am not even their child. They always had conditions on everything. I was out of sync with them my whole life. No matter what I did I could not be myself with them. My parents bring out the worst in me.
Yes, excellent for all of this!
Thank you very much for making this video and lots of good wishes to you as well 🙏
Thanks - Literally Crying - I Just lost My Daddy 2 Years ago age 73 to Covid - SO LOSING HIM HAS BEEN THE HARDEST THING I'VE BEEN THROUGH MOURNING THE LOSS AND THE "WHAT COULD OF BEEN" PUTTING HIM SO HIGH WHEN HE DIDN'T DESERVE IT - LIKE A DREAM THAT I WISHED WOULD COME TRUE OR WOULD HAVE - We were all a very happy family from My Memories as a kid He was very loving & attentive they had arguments yes but seemed Happy - Then One Day My Daddy left I was 10 years old Sibs / bro 9 / sis 6 - I remember because I was a Daddy's Girl - waiting for him to come home and He never did - -- We were literally "Abandoned" Mom decides which she was very unemotionally attached she decides -- Well It's a Party Now and never came home but randomly we had no food no clean clothes half the time no electricity / water - I became the MOM to my younger sibs - to the point I had no clue what to do what If they got hurt what if this what if that - I knew We had food at school Breakfast and Lunch -- I Over worried about them to the point of so much anxiety - Anyway growing up into my teens I had moved in with My grandmother who raised me from age 11 - 18 when I moved out She was MY ROCK!!!!! She showed me unconditional Love - But Daddy just constantly put me down - demeaned me degraded me I was not good enough - I always did everything wrong and very vocal about how disappointed He was with me - He was VERY Hard on me and mind you this was OVER THE PHONE Rarely in person - Our communication was ME CALLING HIM - TRYING TO GET HIS LOVE AND ATTENTION HOPING HE WOULD LOVE ME EVEN THE I LOVE YOU'S AFTER I SAID IT WERE NOT "REAL" - LIKE JUST A REPETITION OF SAYING IT BACK - He did remarry ( My Step Monster ) Literally that's what I call HER! ( stories I could tell about her that would blow your mind ) She hated me from the time she met me age 14 - Jealousy? I dunno My Grandmother his Mom said she knows she was jealous of me I was His Twin -- We looked just alike - and when I would call to talk to my Dad she would hang up or say he wasn't there anything to come in between us... Anyway I was Never Good Enough - His words were so hurtful and harsh - was rejected all the time - BUT I NEVER EVER GAVE UP ON BONDING WITH HIM BY CALLING HIM AND WANTING HIS LOVE SO BADLY - SO MOURNING HIS LOSS WAS LIKE A DOUBLE LOSS NO LONGER HERE PHYSICALLY AND THE LOSS OF NEVER HAVING A TRUE FATHER DAUGHER RELATIONSHIP TO MAKE ME FEEL WANTED LOVED SAFE ETC --- THIS HAS BEEN SOOOOOOO PAINFUL I CRY ALL THE TIME MISSING HIM AND WHAT WE NEVER GOT TO HAVE TOGETHER
My dad died suddenly when I was almost 7. I thought I dealt with it well into adulthood, but I’m sure it impacts even unconsciously. For a start in very aware of mortality, he was 34, and I grew up knowing that people close you can just suddenly die. Which most people probably don’t have ingrained in them. It also meant that I grew up the rest of my life with a bereft mum, grandmother? aunties. I didn’t understand it then but now I’m a parent myself I have a better understanding of what they must have gone through.
My sister was a baby and doesn’t remember him, so I feel grateful for what I did get to experience. When you’re so young you don’t know any different.
WOW, you just posted this! Bless you... In addition to my father being terrible at demonstrating his love for me, I also found out the my paternal grandfather was not who they said he was, and was instead his brother, my so-called great-uncle. I found this out in my late 20s, but didn't feel free to explore it properly because most of the family still didn't know. Anyway, it's certainly something that I, at 41, should check myself for. I do still feel the echoes of all these unmet needs. It's a daily thing.
You pointed out some profound things, and well done with managing the rollercoaster you have been in and on for so long.
I needed this. Thank you. ❤
IVE BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING FOR THIS VIDEO❤ Thanks dr
thank you for this 🙏🏼 it’s healing just hearing you share everything. I have so much to heal
My dad was a kind, loving man. He commit suicide when I was 9. My mum was emotionally immature, narcissistic and aggressive. I'm 51 and have no solid relationships except with my kids. All I have felt my entire life is shame, guilt, no being enough, people pleasing but mainly fear and feeling unsafe. I was sexually abused by my mums brother and I genuinely feel like I will never heal as pretty much everything triggers me and I either freeze or fly. Can you suggest where I start healing please. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this 😢
Thank you for this! I definitely have a father wound and I feel less alone. I wish you the best on your healing journey!
Yes 🙌
I never felt loved, appreciated or seen by my mother. On the other hand, my father showed love for me daily. He died at 71. (My mother at 100.) He “could do no wrong” in my mind. BUT after watching this talk today, I’m realizing I too was “fatherless” to some degree. When I would confide in him about my hurt feelings because of my mother, he would always say, “you have to understand your mother”. THAT’S ALL HE WOULD SAY. So now at the age of 79, I am seeing that this man couldn’t help me and didn’t realize how very much I needed to be seen. I still cherish his fatherly love for me but after your talk today, I see that not only did I not have a mother figure….when I needed answers from my father he left me hanging.
My father broke up with my mom and left when I was born, I only got to meet him sometimes when I was little for birthdays and such. As a result of his absence, I grew up in poverty with my sometimes abusive mom. I never really thought that growing up without my father have affected me much, but maybe it has.
I feel this so deeply and can relate to how these wounds show up ❤ From my emotionally unavailable dad during childhood, to when he passed away in my teens. I also feel much of this from the perspective of the physical maternal abandonment I experienced alongside this. I know I have alot to work on here, it has been pushed down for decades. I really appreciate you sharing this Dr Sage especially recently dealing with such a big revelation, but as always, your story is hugely inspiring and motivates me to work on my healing.🙏 On a side note, you have such beautiful vitality and radiance! ❤
Ohh...my... jaw is still stuck on the floor... knew it was coming too, so i just watched...
while Dr. Kim delivers the perfect Mike Tyson KO in slow mo... the yt algo, noticed channel content and something... idk, quality of character and integrity? Seen something in you Doc and i wasn't wrong... You're good, really good! and furthermore: omfg you gotta be kidding like no no no coincidence is really... really... same similar healing journey too... anything impossible is probably true then lol
This was so enlightening. Thank you❤. I have a similar experience.
Thank you.
It would be interesting to hear more about the connection between father wound and money /financial cptsd.... How it plays out in adult life many times
🖤🖤 this one really got me. Thank you!! Bless you🙏 I cant wait to hear your story and perspective 💜💜💜
Its just hit me..the resentment I have but have never dealt with or acknowledged.
Thanks, Dr. Sage! ❤️ your wisdom and hope!
I really appreciate this video. I was raised by my mom and grandmother (both narcissist), my dad passed away when I was only 2 years old. My mom dedicated to erase his memory through the years, so I grew up very disconnected to who he was.
This is very sad and It's one of the worst things my mom ever did.
Outstanding Discussion, Thank You!✨
Thanks for sharing about yourself, it makes it real feeling
By far the best channel I’ve discovered in a while❤️thank you so much xx
I didn't even meet my father until I was 27, and it didn't go well because I had opinions and ideas he didn't agree with. I'm 57 now and haven't spoken to him in about 12 years..On the flip side , my youngest daughter has a narcissistic father who only cares about his feelings and is totally emotionally absent from her life. What physical time he spends with her is rarely positive, and he makes it known what an inconvenience having to get her is because he's not allowed to take her 2 hours away to his new gfs house. She's only 14, and I'm afraid it's really going to mess with her head in the long run. It already does. I almost think it was better to grow up without one than have one whose love is conditional...
Hi I’m struggling with father that is not barely bin present in my life to point he has abused me physically and mentally and verbally I’ve never felt love by him maybe when I was younger now both my parents are abandoning me because I do believe that my father has controlled my mother in everyway he can because his childhood trauma clearly he has disowned his family and in result of this I’ve bin constantly seeking wrong men in my life that lead me to very dangerous situations and now I’m stuck in vicious cycle and mentally unstable I feel like giving up this hard place be in and being in and out psych wards for years trying different therapy I’m writing this with tears in my eyes I feel like I’ve given up on myself because labels placed on me I know in my heart I am good person sadly lost myself and person I use to be I’ve turned into this person because of trauma I’ve experienced and people taking advantage of me in every way they can thank you for your channel and talks
This was really helpful for me and my wife. Thank you.
Thank you❤
I had “therapy” from the early eighties on. You’re the first one to talk about this. It’s really validating but I wish someone had taken me seriously back then.
my father alive but he never come back, all my life he is trying to avoid us. I feel so sorry for my mother. Now I live in her attachment style 😢how can I resolve 3 people’s wounds….
My father died when u was nearly 3. At the time, I didn't think too much into it. But look back, I missed that male energy. 😔 my mother was a good parent but I still without a father, I still had abandonment issues.
Mine died when I was 5yo. I am an alcoholic magnet…🙁
@pulidobl sorry to hear that xx 😘
Hi Dr. Kim!
I really like that you share more of your personal story ❤
Could you make a video on being completely parentless? Not that I have been in the foster care system or anything but I’ve never met. My father and my mother walked out on me 3 times when was a teenager and left me with my grandparents and now she’s completely blocked. Contact with me because of her poor decisions (bad relationships, drinking addiction).
Very helpfull thank you
I understand you had to cover a lot of ground, but I wanted to share this with my son who's father only showed up to take him and have fun on the weekend, never gave us child support, help me when my son would bend my boundary rules as the main caregiver, literally bashed me and sided with my 10 year old complaints about me instead of guiding him to respect me, told him to ignore me, she's crazy and he was an alcoholic and drug addict (reason I left him when my son was young because I didn't want to raise him in that environment). I never married his dad and got pregnant on a weak point and he was a bar tender and made me laugh.
To this day, my son thinks I am controlling (even when I enabled him when I raised him so he would love me...because of my CPTSD of a narcissistic mother).
I still pray my son will someday understand the true dynamics of his father. His dad literally twisted my son's mind on me trying to raise him responsible and to help mold him to be the best he could be in his future life.
His dad even went to jail for kidnapping, stalking and raping another women (after he did that with me). I never shared the trauma I went through with his dad. If I even came close to explaining that his dad was having all the fun with him and not taking any real responsibility in the tough stuff, my son would get mad at me and side with his dad because his dad brain washed him to love him more than me.
My son is now 35 and is not talking to me because I set boundaries instead of giving into him.
Just to share my experience...
I never knew my father, my stepfather(boyfriend?) blackmailed us, and mother had a conditional love.
You have a good point, where being conditioned for conditional love leaves us wanting to do more and more, but in the end never making us really feel complete at all.
I guess I see this pattern in my life. I must keep doing something whether that be getting a difficult certificate, exercising a lot, being "successful", etc.
This is not easy to heal from, I have a lot of work to do...
Wow. I related to the masculine rigidity/control, anger issues and the resultant feelings of poor boundaries, perfectionism, and self doubt and YES I always seem to pick partners that emotionally stunted, and eventually the painful fallout of that. I never really connected those parts of my experience to my experience of my father.
Thanks, Kim... I lost my father to divorce at four, but he was manic depressive and not present that much anyway, but he tried 😢
Great video thanks for sharing
In my case, my biological parents were absent. In every sense of the word.
My mother especially, I would rather have no parents.
My father left me at 8 mos never saw him again. My grandmother cared for me while my mother worked 2 jobs, but she died when I was 4. Then my aunt became my care giver but she was a raging narcissist. Lots of other bad stuff went down, but at 59 i think i can safely say that the worse day of my life was the day my father left although I couldn't know it at the time.
My dad died 7 years ago who was criminal. I had no true bond with him at all or a relationship with my dad at all. I would go around his family, I got to know my half-siblings, and cousins. I would sometimes go spend the night to his mothers home but he never attended to me, he was self absorbed, sexist, not protective, not caring, he didn’t care whether I was alive or not and he was emotionally unavailable.
So, when he died I just felt really empty tbh because he never raised me well or taught me anything about life at all. I was also sexually abused by a male sibling which was one of his sons. I gave up on having a father and just closed that vault/sealed it. I don’t look for a father figure either.
I have this. Just got back from visiting him.. he's cruel. Always. And my empath mom died. Long story. I'm super sad.
I have a father with frontotemporal dementia I’ve seen his absence in a different perspective since I connected more with him than my mother
I didn't know who my bio father was. I had a step dad from a young age but lots of abuse. Still unpacking that tramua. I didn't find out my brother and I had different fathers until I wanted to do dna test.. ancestry. My mom told me I had a different dad when I was 30.. 30!! Ugh anyway I also found out I have 15 half siblings... lol.. I am now finding myself in this at 38 years old.
My mum and dad were together, but shouldn't have bn. I was afraid every day. They shouted so much and he hit her sometimes, but not showing. I wasn't allowed to love him because my mum and older brother hated him. He died when I was 17, after years of heart problems. 31 years later, I still don't really know how to feel. I should have bn taken into care. I knew they both loved me, but love isn't enough to fix stuff. It was a mess all round.
In fairy tales, a lot of the time the negative interactions with the evil stepmother, queen, or mother, the father is missing. It's been suggested that the father's job is to provide boundaries and protections against the narcissistic mother with the daughter or son. My dad worked all the time so he wasn't around to protect us, and when he was around, he drank. In a lot of cases, people tell me that their father was around but not emotionally there for them. Not that the traditional roles for the father were all that great, but it probably isn't going to get better anytime soon because marriage for many people has a lot of downsides. 😞 PS I decided early in life not to have children because of what I experienced growing up in my family. They're a lot of people out there like that men, women and other.
Other?
@@drivethruabortion280 I have friends that are trans or gay and their role isn't quite the Donna Reed Show although some of the dynamics are the same as the Donna Reed Show in their own way.
Very Very helpful thanks
Thank you for doing this video. My father's father was absent from his life and therefore his father wound was ever present in my family. My mother wound is primary but her constant inappropriate commentary regarding my father made a healthy relationship with my never-absent father impossible. As always, it's complicated.
Both my kids fathers are emotionally absent and unavailable and dont show any care in their lives. Am a single stay at home mom raising 2 kids and this men dont care the impact the do on their children and I too was raised by relatives my narc mother was absent from my life since I was 3 years old and as an adult I cut her off because there was no relationship between us. I grieved the father i wished my kids had and i grieved the mother I wished i had growing up. It hurts
I was emotionally abused my whole life by a father figure. Most of my wounds stem from him. Then i learnt that he wasnt my biological dad when he died. I know who the real dad is now but he still wasnt there in my life. Trying to reconnect but don't know how to go about it.. trust issues with men. Harder to be candid with them. I understand why he wasn't there for me.. don't really need to bring up that side of healing with him.
I was adopted and know zero about either bio parents. I believe in primal wound, and it left me starting out below zero. My adopted Dad was great, but he died 21 years ago. Mom is a narcissist, and he was her “handler”. Once he was gone, the whole fam fell to shit. Ugh, it sucks.
The book The Unavailable Father is good
My father died when I was 5yo…mother never remarried…I’m attracted alcoholics all my life 😞