As a 4w5 my experience has been more one of having others remark or comment or point out that I’m different when I’ve just been doing ‘me’. We’re all unique & we’re all the same... I have no trouble connecting with people with where they’re at, but it feels shallow to me & often feels like they’re uninterested, unwilling or unable to meet me where I’m at & I’m often uninterested in the things that they are. It’s a lack of a depth to the communication or connection that leaves me feeling unfulfilled & different & sometimes it does hurt. ‘Meaning’ is everything to a 4
My wife is a 1 and she needs to know "why" things are, while I NEED to know "WHAT THEY MEAN". Why a thing happens means rather little to me, I need to know what it means......we speak past each other a lot, but learning about who we are is helping.
"I don't WANT to be different, I just feel I am". Exactly. So many enneagram people believe we WANT to deferenciate ourselves absolutely. For me it's a painful feeling to feel different. It is certainly not a desire !
Hi.. thank you for your informative and well put together videos. They are clear and very relatable. . . I am a 4 and would like to mention about 4s feeling different which is spoken about here and on your other video about 4s. The REASONS I feel different are because I am so sensitive and feel my emotions so deeply. Sometimes the slightest comment can injure or an impressive view can evoke such strong emotions that it can almost be overwhelming. it doesnt feel like other types feel this to the same degree so I feel different. Also, I like conversations that look at the metaphysical aspects of life as well as the physical and how these two elements combine. I like to see behind the curtain as well as what's on the stage. Again, it's not too often where I can share these types of conversations and feel like the other person is invested in the conversation as much as I am so I feel different. Also, 4s want to deal with the emotional matters of life above everything else and this isn't the case with other types. Its everything for me but others can sometimes feel uncomfortable when things get too personal or too self revelatory. I sense this and so I feel different and usually withdraw after my thoughts and feelings are not received the way I would of hoped. Also, other types seem much more able to cope in the practical world because their emotions are less front and centre all the time. This can feel very painful for me to carry on with these every day things when my emotional needs are always left wanting, which for large parts of my life they have been. So because of this I feel different and envious of how other types just seem to plough on through life in the practical world. Finally, living in a society that really celebrates macho bravado men who are alphas etc is incredibly difficult as a man. So , in this instance I feel so different from other men. I'm constantly comparing myself and assessing myself against other men and rarely see this deep , sensitive person so I feel different. I realise a lot of what I've just said boils down to being a 4 in the average levels of health which is where I am. I know these feelings of feeling different will slip away if I improve myself. Anyway, these are just the thoughts of Male 4 in the average levels as to why i feel different. I hope this helps shed some more light on to understanding 4s. Thanks again for the videos. . . Dave
Yes!.. that is exactly the areas/ways i too feel different.. I dont set out to TRY and be different Or look for something else to like or do because others do it . No...not at all.. i just like what i like...if its beautiful n makes me happy i like it...also; yes, i must have symmetry n it look beautiful n balanced to me, but that is the artist in me too-♡
So much "Yes!" I think I feel different, too, in that I feel "weird". It's ok, and I don't mean it in a negative way, but people don't always get me or my sense of humor, so I feel different. I feel different because I don't have friendships like others. I think once people see my depth of emotion, it makes them uncomfortable; and the ones that seem to be ok with it, actually try and take advantage of it. I'm truly learning to let Jesus be the one I turn to, talk to.
Yep, so many try to be different by wearing weird clothes or piercings. The real difference is kindness, love, and compassion. Also can you just be yourself and wear whatever. I wear khakis but I like them. What I wear is not so important to me. But I try to be kind, gentle, loving, honest, and have integrity. I try to bre a Christ like person altough knowing that no one but Christ can truly be that. So grace and mercy must abound to the other AND myself. The latter is the harder part.
Thank you for appreciating 4’s. It’s very uplifting because being awake can feel isolating. I relate to so much about this description but fun is actually very important to me and in my reality, it’s not superficial at all. It’s joy and that’s a lifeline, especially after having a past history of severe depression and dissociation which I have overcome. I require and seek depth, travel through deep and dark places and love to hold space for others to heal letting them know I don’t blink an eye at anything they share. But to me, finding a joyful foundation of gratitude is essential. I wouldn’t still be alive without it.
Imagine if the world rejected 7’s as aliens for their fitting in lifestyle and their living in the moment. For being who you are. That’s how it feels to be a 4. The world rejects us because we’re different.
@@sokunine I doubt that he is trying to rub it in your face. I imagine he is trying to be understood and finding that he's not and that is a painful experience for him. He might be a 4w3 (like me) that needs that acknowledgement. Ironically, I often hide or play down my uniqueness and so because no one really fully knows it, it feels quite lonely.
I “AM” different vs I “feel” different. “I AM” seems prideful and arrogant. “I feel” seems so much more human. “I AM” is an automatic separation. “I feel” is an offer to connect.
I actually had this dream last night that I showed up to some kind of camp just for Infps. Btw, I'm 47. An infp-t and 4w5. When I pulled up in my car I looked at everyone and I could tell they were all unique and genuine. I knew I finally found a group that I'd belong.
Okay. Here’s how I see it as a 4- The reason we see ourselves as different is because we are often rejected when we open ourselves up to some other types with our “deep” feelings, thoughts, or pain. I guess another way to word it is not so much that we are different, but that other types who have access to the deep end- don’t or won’t go there. That could be for a million reasons, culture, fitting in, comfort level, whatever. As a result, we often feel not understood or misunderstood, or even ignored, in the areas that we place so much meaning in. I love hearing from other 4’s and feel so validated seeing the similarities. Thanks for all of your videos they provide so much clarity and help so much in personal reflection and self acceptance.
As a four, I didn't see myself in either of my parents when growing up. I then began to look outside myself to feel that I mattered, and succumbed to feelings of inadequacy. So, as an unhealthy four, that's where the need to feel/be unique comes in. And oh the feelings of envy of those that seem to have it all. I think fours would agree that we've (fours), all awakened from the matrix. And many fours together, although they would attract to each other, they would also work to bring out, their own special brand of uniqueness. My continuous goal is to keep growing into a healthier four, and bring my particular gifts, and true authenticity, to the world.
We were born awake. Born into this dream world, fully awake and vaguely remembering but a thumbprint of the true reality we were born from. Ever trying to realize it into this world.
As for 4s feeling different, this is why 4s are so drawn to self-expression be it in their wardrobe or artistic talents. For me, I knew that just 'feeling different' wasn't enough--that I had to master a talent in order to distinguish that difference. The separation/withdrawing from others stems from others' only wanting to connect on shallow things. I actually prefer funerals to weddings. I hate places where I am 'supposed' to feel happy b/c everyone else does and I do not. At a funeral (not that I am happy someone has died, but I am using this figuratively) people are more reflective and I feel I can relate to them so much better. It is morbid and weird but true. I do feel I am a 4 among 4s, not b/c I don't relate their feelings and thoughts but it depends on the 4. I was surprised when so many were willing to read Harry Potter and engage in commercial stuff, which I won't do, as 'broad appeal' tends to be shallow. (Again, I realize each thing needs to be examined individually.) I can't comment on your Matrix analogy as that film is too commercial for my taste. LOL I actually have a good sense of humor and can laugh at the melancholy sometimes. A lot of times what happens is I will want to connect but then when I get blank stares as result (or the fact that few enjoy what I enjoy, i.e. older films, classics, my talents etc.) I just withdraw and don't bother even mentioning it. So a 4 then can hold themselves back and then get resentful that you don't see their gifts. It's counter-intuitive, but it happens. I have to gravitate towards those who share my interests and 'get me' and with them I have the best friendships. I will admit that I have viewed people collectively--'they're all eggs from the same carton', and in my attempt to break that habit I will try to engage in something deeper, but when that doesn't get reciprocated, my beliefs are confirmed that many just float through life without real reflection. Hence I feel I am different.
Argh! Now I'm watching the 2nd half and I'm going crazy lol. I actually find it quite painful being different and I often HIDE my difference because I want to fit in and belong.... but because I hide that difference, I know that I don't really fit and perhaps don't truly belong. We long to be accepted for who we are - to be exactly who we are and accepted as that. I understand that you are trying to help all the personality types do balance themselves - but that's a hard message to hear as a 4, because I don't know about other 4's but I feel like I'm constantly having to compromise myself in order to get along with the rest of the world. Our deepest longing is to be understood as we are and to be known - that's why we look for that soulmate or that one friend that can handle that and don't run away from it: all our intensity, our unique thoughts/ideas, our passions, our opinions, our brokenness and our creativity.... and be appreciated for it. When you explain to us that our intensity makes people run away from us - we know that already! That's why we feel different and are different, and why we feel like sometimes we have to withdraw so we can be ourselves. If only the other personality types could accept and embrace us - even if it's in small doses - because it's actually not easy being unique. And yes, we are unique. When we embrace our difference, we create something meaningful and contribute it to the world - whether that's through writing or painting or sculpture or music... In my case, it is through the programmes that I've written that help people to recover from depression/anxiety and the work that I do with people and then train others to do. We ARE different and have something unique to contribute to the world and that should be celebrated.
21:13 I think its sort of like shes different in the way that she craves more than them .. like a certain type of depth, level of rawness, authenticity, and vulnerability with people & it's aggravating in a way. Obviously, not everyone wants to be THAT intense all the time but, it's like you're constantly craving that one thing from that person (or people) that you cannot fully receive. And it is hard to build the relationship because of the unfulfilled depth (whether that's perceived or not) and it causes you not to be excited to even want to continue to build it or want to progress because it's like what's the point. Weird way to look at it but it's sort of like if I can't have this thing to fulfill me completely I don't want it at all. That's how I personally interpreted it from my personal experience but I'm not too sure if thats what she meant.
💯 on what you said about feeling like you woke from the matrix. You asked if we look at other 4's and see them as different - we do, and for the most part we have some deep respect for them. We clash heavily with some 4's on our differing elitism tastes, but if we are mature about it we can agree to disagree and also appreciate that they have a deep appreciation for something even though it's not the same thing. I do tend to feel so many others are 'sleeping', or that they're just apathetic and just don't care about deeper things. Even after understanding that us 4's are naturally drawn to being genuine (that means *not* ignoring or minimizing difficult or dark things), it is still mostly hard to appreciate others that aren't willing to go there. I realized that the first things I tend to do when I meet people is try to get a controversial reaction from them, or basically do all these things to see if they give me the expected response, or a 'real' response based on what they actually think/feel. That's how I think I subconsciously filter people out, basically deciding that I don't want much to do with X person or that I can disregard certain parts of them because they're just going to say what they're supposed to say vs. an actual thoughtful opinion.
However, I think for me my shame works completely different then is theorized about in the video. For me, I feel that I naturally see all the differences in things, and I naturally see everything that is wrong with everything. I walk into a room, and I see a hundred things that bother the heck out of me, as an example. As a dreamer/romantic, I have this incredibly idealized notion of everything, but things don't match up. I'm really good at pointing out all of the problems in things. Also, I have insanely high respect for art that I think is worthy, and I'm driven furiously mad when people don't have admiration for things that are masterfully well done. It makes me feel that they are worthless and have no standards, that they hate the beautiful and rejoice in the pitiful. Shame comes in this way - with all of the issues that I naturally see everywhere, it's impossible to live up to it. In fact, I often find myself paralyzed by all of the things I don't have right. Where some other people I know will take immediate action when there is a problem, for me, when there is a big problem, it is so catastrophic and shameful for me that I freeze and can't do anything. Often when I wake in the morning, almost instantly all of the problems with my life flood into my head, and I think as a defense mechanism all I do is try to fall back asleep where I'm safe from that stress. Stress is hard on the body after all. So I feel intense shame constantly. For that reason, I despise social media, because it keeps a record of my past for all to see. When I look at any of it, I usually feel huge shame for not being what I could be. This is also why 4's integrate to 1, I believe. We admire 1's. They have high standards, and live up to them. We 4's can find it difficult to "just do it" when we don't feel like it, yet it is exactly what we need to do to get out of our predicament. One of my best friends is a 1w2, and it's a perfect match because he is always furiously pointing out all the things I need to do, and also helping me do them. That added command is enough to force me to actually take care of all the things I need to take care of, and do things quicker and more efficient without getting dragged down by my current emotion or energy. It's awesome to have a 1w2 because they don't go easy on you, but they'll also help you. Like the drill Sargent that us 4's desperately need.
Thanks so much for these videos! I'm watching through them and it's helping a lot. Hopefully it doesn't seem from the above that 4's like me look down on people - we often do, but we also see many people as much better then ourselves (at least in certain dimensions), and I also feel that we can have a lot of compassion and know that things are hard (at least when we are integrated well enough). We're willing to empathize with people and know it's a struggle. I think similar to the idea that "the only unforgivable is bad taste", (at least for me) expands to the idea "the only unforgivable is downplaying the ideal". I can get over people's with "bad taste" (although it's very hard!) but I find it exquisitely hard to empathize when someone diminishes the ideal, because us romantic 4's have no higher admiration for anything but the greatest ideal (the most expert craft, most beautiful art, most genius creation, etc). To me, diminishing something incredible (or not praising it well enough) is to mock goodness itself, which in turn leads me to believe that they do so because they want to lower their standards out of laziness or the pain that comes from the difference between the ideal and their position.
Yesss- I can relate to the matrix scenario. I feel like everyone around me appears to be secure and comfortable with who they are, but once I talk to them or use my intuition to tap into them, I can see, hear, feel, and understand that they are just as lost and vulnerable to the world around them. I spent 37 years not knowing who I was and constantly feeling like I didn't belong. I've spent the last two years awakened to this fact and trying to find who I am and where I fit in in the bigger picture. It's been an eye-opening yet exhausting journey, to say the least.
I do relate to other 4’s.. I really liked the letter you read, it helped me a lot! I wish I could meet her, and connect with other 4’s. I’m surrounded by people who tell me I’m bad for who I am inside.
I am so happy I found your channel. When I first found out I was a 4w5 I decided to listen to a few youtube videos about it and boy oh boy I wasn't ready for the harsh words used to describe us. I have not finished watching any of those other videos even though they are shorter than yours. I like the way you explain the "envy" that we feel. (in other videos as well) I really thought long and hard about it but just couldn't bring myself to admit to feeling envious of anyone. I also am too familiar with the dark place. I don't want anyone to exactly tell me to snap out of it because I want to feel all the emotions that I am supposed to feel. Hiding them makes me feel stifled and it is impossible to go through a day ignoring it. I really feel worse when I stifle my emotions. I do feel different from others but have never thought of myself as better than others. I just think that I feel everything too deeply and it takes some time for me to process all that I fell. Your friend's letter pretty much sums up exactly how I would like to describe myself as a 4w5 but I could never find the words to express them like that. Thank you for putting in the effort to find out about the 4s.
21:11 - we want other people to see and to accept us for who we are; for our true selves that we know we are on the inside! We might refuse to sacrifice that Self to gain their approval, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want others to like us. We want our Selves to be accepted instead of changing who we are to gain acceptance. Because if you have to change to be let in, then you haven’t been let in.
Thats how I feel about the struggles I have in connecting with others. I feel that when I open my mouth no one relates. When I’m watching their reactions. Then I feel shut down and not accepted. Communication with others is my biggest challenge in all aspects of life. Always being misunderstood, not heard, ignored, not sought after at times, negative. It hurts and is so frustrating always experiencing this. I just want to be happy with myself and who I am I don’t care to please.
Dr. Tom LaHue .. you are so good, and your delivery is so great and kind to hear. Bless you for caring about the self-absorbed fours!! For example and helping me understand the other numbers. How do I write a letter to you to ask things privately?
Im a 4 and i think im very average but people always say that they never met someone like me. I don’t know how i feel about that. Actually i know exactly how i feel but too many layers to tackle right now.
Wow. On point with the matrix comparison. The inner battle of a 4 with wanting to fit in while being authentic was so perfectly laid out for us. This letter put into words what I haven’t been able to as a 4. The part about being envious of other’s ability to laugh, and how not being able to see it must be nice. However, What hit me the hardest was when she said “I don’t want to be separated but I don’t want to connect superficially”. Superficiality has become more and more challenging to handle. Finding people you can have a meaningful conversation with is definitely one of my greatest struggles. Thank you for sharing her words and thank whoever you are… for allowing your inner thoughts to be shared with us. This was so needed for me ❤
I'm so glad you connected with the video! The struggle for authenticity while wanting to fit in is something many people experience, and it’s great to see that others resonate with it too.
I agree with you 💯 , I felt a sleep my entire life , the enngram woke me up . I totally don't relate to most of the letter is saying even though it was true to me before, I look at my old self from far away, from the outside , many of my old suffering don't even make sense anymore. I wonder about why I was making myself miserable, and all the people that love me so much . Thanks for opening our eyes DR. you do it in amazing compassionate way.
Here's the thing you said, "When we think we are better than others...?" That's the #1 mistake because these/this is your thought belief thinking we are standing out, being different to compete with you or to go above you? That's not our intent by far!!! We are this way because it is genuinely us or our feeling/ right. Never to cause one to feel bad. When we feel good in something or somewhere it really shows doesn't it! Im a 4w5 believe it or not? I truly believe I was much healthier as a 4 before turning 24yrs old. I knew something wasn't right within my family though I didn't have enough info to compare it to, life experiences. When you have been taught to numb your pain for so long. When your not allowed to show emotion, told you feel to much. If you speak out you get less attention or shut out. As I matured I had memories like pieces in a puzzle come to me. I had to find/see the whole picture. Truth. When you have all the pieces, you know the truth. Painfully you struggle trying to find out who you are or what you are because you been told, lied to from the people you were raised with, trusted. Family I thought included "Trust?" Boy was I wrong! So I'm am not anything like these criminals, evil, hurtful ones in my family. So WHO AM I? That's the identity we are learning to know without others input of it. Pain should be a longer word. For four letters it sure comes up short. I'm a pain Thesaurus, if pain were a organism? I would be a Taxonomist. I don't mind and I find more beauty in pain because I dive deep and I am able to help others with empathy. Pain has light, it's not all dark. Their Darkness is my Candle. I can show you the way, it's not the darkest place & there is much to learn. Blah, blah, blah....hey have you noticed that hole at the bottom of the Enneagram? Between 4 & 5. That's the Darkest place I just don't know if I can take what I feel along the way? That's where I'm headed(eventually) Wish me Luck! Lol
Daniel Powell Hello, just so you’re aware . Your response is typical. You see it as a measurement underneath yours? Not the case. You (ur perception/view) see through a ego filter. Your shadow is in front of your true self. What you see is obscured. Im saying this Not to hurt or embarrass u in any way. Simply to help you get to the Truth . I wish you the best take care!
LOL you got me there, I am trying to be different by being kind ^^ Also on the fluidity of our identity - well that is what it is, we have a fluid identity, that's what we are all about. We change and morph all the time to appeal to our growth as people, we just become MORE ourselves the deeper we dive into life and look behind corners to find out how things tick.. including our own minds and the minds of others.
i am a four and exactly, i feel like i am in a matrix and i woke up. i feel like other fours are awake too and i can connect with them. i just dont know many. i can even connect with the wisdom of edgar allan poe , amy winehouse and other dead Four artists. i do my art to connect with people that will understand. even after my death. i try to communicate the beauty, the truth and the wisdom, just sometimes it feels very lonely. i have learnt to connect over stupid shallow stuff with shallow people and pretend that it matters and that i am normal like them. it helps me get at least a little bit of connection which is a human need. so I learnt that but my soul is dying . i lack connection . i lack understanding. the only meaningful thing to connect over is the deep truth, the pain, the melancholy, the beauty - which i consider all just the same thing. but all other types just avoid those. noone sees the truth. everyone is asleep, aftaid, blind, inauthentic. truth, love, beauty - they are all the same thing. of course we feel elitist. of course. because it is true. and of course we can get close to suicide sometimes. the truth kills us, the beauty kills us. the pain kills us. the longing kills us. which is all the same thing. if not shared with anyone, is very painful.
and i think that one learns the truth when he experiences the pain. the truth lies in the pain. i think we have experienced some pain in our early childhood and we had a glimpse of the truth. and from that day we wanna find it and our life becomes a search for it. we dont avoid the pain because thats where we think it lies. we refuse anything inauthentic because its certainly not there to be found. like if you are in a matrix and you are having a good time, it is painful for you to learn that its only a matrix and so you avoid that. we know already, that we are in a matrix and no point in matrix pleasure, if its inauthentic. truth is more important, even if it was more painful, which it is
a Four person communicates the truth just by the way he lives, he dresses, he talks, he is. he symbolises the truth by it. its as if he had a tatoo on his forhead saying : we are in a matrix, wake up everyone. im refusing to play all your matrix games and pretend that i dont know that its just a matrix. its time to wske up
That point at right at the beginning 2:59 - 3:14 is so true. I made a comment in one of my videos (a point that's apparently controversial; "not a real 4" etc.) that I seek subtle connection (and the counter was that I was a "flaming 9" for that). I see that as my social subtype that knows that if I have *zero* presence in the outside world (as people in my personal life often say I'm a recluse, need to get out, etc.) that the differences I like about myself won't see the light of day. And worse, the things I *don't* like about myself, or EVEN WORSE, the *superficial* things I don't care about, will be the focus. So not my books, not my music, not my nonprofit background etc., but my clothes, "how's the house/yard", and "you should go into business", and "you need to sell yourself" and so on. So ultimately (and I think this commenter totally missed my point - uh oh, I'm misunderstood!) it's not being like others I care about. The tiny, small connections I have are *means* to the *end* of showing what I'm actually proud of and what I see as my difference/unique offerings. It's like when Bruce Lee says, "Don't think. Feel. It is like a finger pointing a way to the moon. Don't focus on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory."
"Because I'm different."" is an oversimplified statement/explanation. That's often overused in enneagram community. 4s should stop using it as well to describe themselves, to identify with that statement, because other types narrow down their perception around this statement that lacks so much clarity. For me, it's actually a cellular experience of experiencing something only I can understand "fully" (sense and perception), if I want to, and having understood my own /"individual" lens so broadly and probably overdone, that the act of simply relating to another person can be very hard.. especially if they begin with small talks or only want to hear the superficial and you are at a level of cognition that way too overwhelming for them to know. Being different is a flight experience, an escape, an afterthought, it's not what happens in the inner world level which is sooo filled with a lot of things "weighty". It's important for 4s to recalibrate, to resurface, be back in reality and then engage. It can be done only when 4s are mindful (which is really the hardest task) as we don't swing to any head-types who understand fear very much. A 4 needs clarity to understand the fear behind the shame: being ordinary. And that it's okay. It doesn't have to go, but it has be processed and accepted that there are days it's okay to be ordinary.
Old comment but.. I agree with this so much as a 4 myself. Other types have higher cognition in different things, and that's why I get overwhelmed engaging with some of THEM. So imagine, they also may feel the need to temper down some of their own aspects when around ME. 4s just need to realize that literally everyone's doing this bc we're all just trying to meet halfway.
Being a 4 this was really insightful. I've found more recently that the short cut in a sense to getting out of dark places is letting someone love you in there way. In that they seam to be more open to understanding what is going on in a 4s life and can really help you not feel alone.
LOLOL! I am a #4, married for nearly FORTY THREE years to a #7....WE have trudged through all these moments of #7 adventuring - and #4 emotional digging...pardon me while I giggle in your struggle to fully appreciate the writer's explanation of deep feeling - you speak of her feeling with as much compassion as is possible for a #7 - and I REALLY APPRECIATE your VALIANT EFFORT - LOLOL
I have 2 close 4 s in my life. This is a very hard number for me to embrace, because I agree with you, EVERYBODY is unique and different. This is why we have a "face recognition", and the finger prints technology , and the DNA tests. We even all need to try on many pairs of shoes to find one that fits our unique foot. All this translates to our individual uniqueness in every aspect of our being. This sens of being different in a 4 doesn't recognize how all of us are gifted the uniqueness, it rather reads as a competition to show the superiority. This vanity of superiority reflects the ego's blocking the gratitude for everything good that comes toward a 4's way, and creates a black hole in a heart which nothing ever can fill no matter how much we pour into it. It is perplexing to me why would anyone prefer to see life as being never enough. A healthy 4 however can gift us with the Chopin like preludes, the Dostoyevsky like prose, and a gentle ephemeral presence.
4 here and I'm in my late 30s. That feeling when others find about the matrix that you have been telling to others all your life from the point when you got that matrix cord out of your neck.
I think that point in the beginning is very important:when i was very unhealthy i used being different to push my ego. When i recognized this as unhealthy, i totally overcompensated and became an anxious people-pleaser, my self-expression completely blocked. The healthier i become the less i care what people think. And i don't give a shit about being different. I just happen to do some things differently than others but most of the time i am not even aware of that anymore.
Hello Tom! One more tid-bit to share to you. I wrote this down long ago. Not sure exactly who said it? I've always got a lot out of it though. I'm passing it on. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the World. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's NOT just in some of us, it is in Everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others. God Bless!
A difference I think is that 4's appreciate their differences from each other and find it an important part of the relationship, whereas other enneagram types see difference in mindset as a hindrance to the relationship. It also isn't so much of a physical difference, but a difference in basic mental wiring or mindset that's almost impossible to change. Attempting to go against the natural tendency is an uphill battle that can leave a 4 exhausted and very mentally unhealthy if they spend their time trying to be like other types in an attempt to alleviate the unavoidble social issues that go with their type. Also I think that what she was saying about that feeling ashamed may instead be obsessing over these unique four issues, which can seem superficial to other types, but are very important to 4's.
I know I'm late to this. But I'll say it anyway! As a 4w5, it actually does matter if people approve or disapprove of my tastes. Now I'll still partake in whatever it is despite the fact that nobody else does. But it does help if someone else can enjoy something similar (even though it frustrates me that I'm not as "unique" anymore). It helps because if nobody appreciates what I do that'll contribute to the fear that I'm intrinsically broken beyond repair. 4s need a lot of affirmation, even in what they enjoy. We just need it kinda differently. It hurts to hear, "Nobody likes your music." But it's lovely if someone said, "I don't know many people that van appreciate the art you do, but I'm glad you found your niche interests. Not many people do. So go explore it more!"
Many insights in your observations. Fours are often very specific about what they like and believe, but not always in an effort to be different or distance themselves from others. They are just being “true” to themselves. We sometimes try on various “caps” in our search for self or attempts to “adapt” to the wider world. When we are untrue to ourselves; however, it can be like waking up from a bad dream. A veil is lifted and it can be jarring to realize a relationship, a job, a direction is simply not working and is not an expression of self. Rather than feel different or excluded, it can be more like realizing “I am who I am”; it is okay to be my “specific” self. Sometimes we can even “settle” and find meaning and belonging even where we might not think we belong. We create our own sense of belonging and stop longing and can enjoy life and the world as it is.
As an SP 4w5 I can connect with other people who are very different from me, even have different political or religious beliefs. The problem is that in order for us to feel connected we require a depth most people are not willing to venture into, or not capable of maybe? Most other types seem totally satisfied with a connection we perceive as shallow. It's like this, imagine you are invited to a pool party, you arrive and the pool is actually a shallow pool with water only to your ankles. And all these people are standing around in it chatting with their drinks & having a great ole time!!!!! To them it's wonderful, but if you're someone who understands the joy of a nice dive or a swim, you would feel like something is lacking. It's like that - some people are deathly afraid of water, or don't know how to swim, or don't care to learn to swim. Or maybe they just don't have the capability, that's my conclusion most often. So it's not that we're trying to separate ourselves from others, we know that deep inside we are different & that's okay, but it can get really lonely swimming by yourself sometimes.
16:22 "You have to try to fit in and blend in 'cause you have to get a paycheck" -- how sad and pathethic is this society that forces me (and every other person) to do this. I LAMENT and WEEP for the state of this (Western) world wherein one must contort and distort oneself just to survive, nay, subsist. I desire neither fitting in nor blending in but simply being myself. And I wish that his would be attainable for each and every single conscious being. Sorry, I had to get this off my chest.
4w5 here. I know that we are no different from each other, but staying true to ourselves makes a LOT of people uncomfortable, which makes us know and feel different. I have become accepting of this, but it's still very hard that I am misunderstood by others. I also know that others appreciate my oddness and can be beneficial for the world. There are also ones that initially find me odd, but somehow it clicks for them why I am the way I am and I welcome them with open arms.
When it comes to our love-hate relationship with uniqueness (ours and others', btw) and fitting in, I think we have a deep fear of rejection in a society that values cool superficiality, success, norms, gregariousness etc. We genuinely CAN'T maintain socially normative conversations like small talk, which is key for building initial rapport. That's because when you say 1 word we hear 20 more: brains firing up in a million directions, intrigued by you, by life, whatever you just said, checking all previous data on you to understand your mental state and intentions and to anticipate all your next moves, needs, or desires, but to nevertheless try to grasp your essence and relate to you wholistically as a unique individual, and then.. oh wait, yes, of course, by now it's our time to speak, and we just realized our body language and reaction time is slightly off, and we can already see your searching eyes and facial muscle twitches demand from us our own timely stereotypical facial expressions and some good old jolly response, but we just want to say - "You are sooo wonderful and fascinating, and if it were socially acceptable I would squeal and squeeze you, and then kidnap and interrogate you for days on my own time, and you'd evenlike it so much it may revolutionize your world. But never mind, I'll just see myself out now, because I don't even know what to say next, and you already look weirded out by your own expectations of me." So we just exclude ourselves before others get the chance to do it and destroy our remaining self-confidence. And as these stressful experiences accumulate we reach a point where we can't stand ourselves, so we start to resent and envy you with destructive intensity. You call it random moodiness and sensitivity when that happens.. which makes us feel even more misunderstood and judgemental of you. But we actually like our unbound minds - it allows us to like us, and you, and the universe SO much we could explode. But you just want to stay on the surface, and honestly, it's really endearing, and even intriguing in itself how much most of you bore us right out of our skulls.. Even we believe in your ability to have more satisfying connections if you became more authentic. And THEN the world would be sublime, exciting, and technicolor for all of us. So we kinda blame and judge you for that, and for making us feel rejected when we accept you unconditionally, even more than you accept yourselves. There. And all in standard short-form Type 4 narrative format. Cheers! :D
This is ironically tongue in cheek...but you don’t get it 😂 And I’m obviously joking. I love your videos! They bring courage and challenge. And you’ve got it exactly right. We want to fit in without blending in.
She wants her authenticity respected yet she can’t respect other people’s authenticity because she has a definition of what authenticity is which by default makes it unauthentic. Maybe other people’s authenticity is to have small talk and watch NASCAR.
My sister told me to take this test and i am a 4 and it has opened a new door and has answered alot of my question i have asked my whole life it makes me feel so much better knowing im not alone
Around 21:20 - "and it is hard to be sympathetic to it, because I just don't understand it" - well, this is e x a c t l y the kind of comments we get which make us feel different and misunderstood and not fitting in. I fully understand what she says in her letter here, and I cannot understand that people don't get it. Mostly, I have become rather withdrawn in conversations, because 1) I'm fed up of the general superficiality which bores me to death, and 2) I get the feeling that people don't get me and that I make the conversation awkward. So I let people have their mundane superficial conversations, and I think in my head "just a couple of minutes/hours more, and then I can get home, phewy, what a relief!!". I guess this must be written all over my face, with the result that I don't get included because I clearly push people away with my negative vibes. Trying to fit in with a fake smile is exhausting. I sometimes do it for the people I love, but often feel close to tears when the conversation drags on for too long.
As a 4, I don't think we need to connect over material stuff because we can always connect over matters of the heart. I mean, no matter what kind of car you drive or what clothes you wear, we are all dealing with the greater existential problems of life, which are finding purpose and meaning and dealing with the problem of our mortality. That stuff contains a whole bunch of deep and heart-felt conversations over time that can lead to a deep connection between us, but the question is will the other personalities want to join us in the fire and the darkness and stare into the depth of their own souls? Do you dare to be vulnerable with us?
I make a research and I found this " Type Fours have a deep fear of losing the very foundation that makes them who they are - their individuality "I always afraid that I will lose what's makes me me!
I’m a 4w5 and l think that my high level of creativity and imaginative thinking does make me different from a lot of people. I have struggled with terrible self esteem my whole life so I don’t say this in an elitist or arrogant way, on the contrary, it has often made me feel like a freak! I’ll give a sort of humorous (and perhaps gross) example of how since my early childhood I thought in an odd way. When I was 4 years old I was hospitalized with extreme dehydration after having had a nasty stomach bug. One morning a doctor and nurse came into my room and asked if I had had any diarrhea that day and if so, how much? In complete seriousness I said, “yes, I had a splat about the size of a Barbie pancake”. To my mortification the doctor and nurse burst out laughing and commented on what a funny reply it was. The creative nature of my mind often makes odd connections that make me seem strange or different. I don’t intend to set myself apart, in fact it’s been a long and painful process to finally come to embrace this and laugh about it. I really think that it’s a misunderstanding to believe that 4’s are arrogant and trying to be special. It seems to me that most 4’s are not making an effort to be different, but that a high level of creativity does set our thinking processes apart in some ways. I’m grateful that I grew up in the south where eccentricity is actually admired and valued to some degree. Fortunately for me, some people found my offbeat thinking and ways to be endearing which sometimes offset my feelings of being a misfit.
It's amazing to hear how you've come to embrace your creativity and uniqueness! Your story shows that being different can lead to some truly memorable moments. Keep sharing your experiences!
Great video! 💯 A 4w5 on my religious experience: I was brought up in a more religious cult, it was extremely damaging. I could not as a child worship a blood sacrifice. It was unsettling im extremely sensitive. I did not resonate with denying myself (bc of my authenticity I can’t suppress and repress myself), I love my identity, (even the parts that need work) I don’t want another’s. My own father only accepted me under conditions, it would be difficult to follow a God that operates as my human father. However, the teachings of Jesus have always been important to me.
I don't feel very different from other 4s personally. You mentioned 4s diving into those dark and heavy places, and being comfortable. 4s may have different diving equipment from each other: music, art, etc... But we're going to the same place. The feeling of being different comes from spending so much time in that place, but many people around you aren't interested in willingly visiting.
I can relate to this. I been told that I didn't have a personality in my xtrying them out" phase. Imagine hearing that as a 4w5. I really felt like I'm so different and they don't get it. I sometimes played the "I'm different" clip from Mr. Robot. I really feel her. I think the solution for me is that joke of "you are so different just like anybody else". It really helped me getting into philosophy especially from Allan Watts. Looking up the rules and going in the opposite direction is still a way of following the rules. I wish her peace and connection with herself. It's though.
My best friend is also a 4. And I love being with her cause we can spend the day to discuss about depth things. She's a social 4 so i was directly seeing her on the enneagram, and it make me such a long time to admit I'm a 4 too. Cause i'm so different than her that I was thinking i can't be a 4. But i finally face the truth and i'm a self preservation 4 not a 7 ^^. When I look on the past, i related to other self preservation 4 but they never became my super friends cause we share lots of point of view and it is much more interesting to discuss with someone who shared an other vision than you.
Im a 4w5, but Im not doing things to be different, but because I feel the other ways *boring* (not gives as much pleasure as the *different* ) For me its not the purpose to be authentic.
Alright, as another 4 (w5), I'd like to add this personal experience to the conversation of "being different". There was (and sometimes still is) a very bad mindset towards proclaiming myself different: a feeling of deep shame for even thinking that I dare think myself as exceptional in any way. A voice in my head tells me that it's just childish attention seeking on my part, that I am as ordinary as they go, and all those "different" type of things I pick up I only do so BECAUSE I want to believe it, and not because I actually care about them. You are not that great, see? Says the voice and points to all my mistakes and underachievings (or what I perceive as such). How dare you think you are any better. And this mindset caused and still causes me great pain. I cannot express how miserable and pathetic it made me feel. If I am not special, then why am I? As you said in your other video, I seek value in uniqueness, and if I don't provide any and can be replaced with absolutely ANYONE, then why be? Where others my see comfort in being like others, I see interchangeability. Meaning, there is no need in this world for ME specifically, and that I have no intrinsic value as a person. I am battling that toxic mindset, of course. I realized that trying to strangle my strive for authenticity, my love for things that stand out, causes me more harm than good. And I am learning to do things that feel right to me. But that's a long road I gotta take one step at a time. Hope this little piece of perspective helps to anyone who is reading.
Dear Dr LaHue, I have really enjoyed many of your videos but this one I'm struggling with your comments! I'm half way thru and can't not write a response. I don't think you fully understand when you joke (make fun of) the 4 by suggesting that the type of music we like or the clothes that we choose to wear still makes us the same as everyone else because they're still clothes or it's still music. Your letter-writer is telling you something and you're interpreting it as if what she is saying is just this 4's wanting to be different and finding every which way to do so. She is telling you she doesn't do that just for the sake of being different. No, 4's want to find themselves and their unique personality and then express it and for those of us that are 4's that expression is connected to our soul - it's special to us - so to make fun of it can be hurtful. I'm a 4 and I like music and movies that most people don't like not because I want to be different but because the music I like expresses deep and intense emotion and as you probably know, most other personality types shy away from that whereas I find it beautiful. When people come around I don't usually put those movies on or that music on because I know they will make a comment - I have to save those things for just me. I actually like it when I find someone who likes the same as me because finally I have something in common with someone! It's actually nice to be known and understood! Also, it's frustrating to hear you say "you just have to fit in with people, get up and go to work and get your pay cheque." Again, no! 4's were born to contribute something unique to the world. They were born to find their passion and put that together with their unique skills and contribute something different. Lots of other people may be content being a cog in the wheel but 4's were not designed to be. They desire to find their unique purpose and those who find it (like I have) are very fulfilled by it... but it also means they contribute something to the world that is wonderful and that the world would miss if they did not do that. I have a role as a therapist and I founded and manage a charity that has been going for 10 years - based on a cause I have personal experience with. I feel like I am contributing something that would be really missed if I did not. I'd love to see 4's find their purpose and live and work in it.
This resonated for me so much as a 4 w5 sp. thanks! Tom you keep asking whether 4s see other 4s as also being out of the matrix / different to them. My experience - I don’t link being out of the matrix as associated to a type, it’s whether a person is willing to go deep (with me? For themselves?) and grapple with their darkness. These are the people I would try to connect with.
i often feel that i come across as elitist and i am a little bit ashamed but i have to admit that i do feel elitist and cant do anything about that. i just cant help it but think that us, Fours, are awake and other people are not. it is hard not to wanna show it off. its almost like they are hurting me by not being awake and I have to suffer because of them, so let me at least say it, show it, express it, let it be known!!!!!!! please, does anyone understand? please comment if you do
its like they are supporting and building this non-true inauthentic society making it difficult for us Fours to live in, and they dont even let me complain about it,? or sit there quietly expressing my elitism ? they want me to just nod to their stupidness thats effecting me, hurting me and killing me? come on... we are a minority, we had to adjust to your world. let me at least be me, which is elitist. thank you. ( i am an angry sexual four) my comment sounds angry but i love your videos and your work
you know i often express myself like this and then the shame comes because I know i shouldnt. elitism is inacceptable but it is my truth. after a comment like this i expect rejection but im not going to delete it because it is my truth. let me at least live and breathe, although its inacceptable (i guess is what we , fours , are trying to say)
Wow, just wow, i could have written THAT letter my self (minus the god part), it's a carboncopy of my thoughts and feelings. The struggel is real, i want to get out of the Matrix, "but it is cold out side", i hate the Matrix, but i long for a blue-pill, ignorance is bliss... /dark and lonly 4w5
Get a drill Sargent for a friend (1w2)!! Someone who forces you to do all the things you need to do, but don't because of all the mental turmoil that makes it hard to be disciplined as a 4. This is exactly what I knew I needed for years (DISCIPLINE), but I haven't been able to get it until getting a 1w2 friend. We go to the gym now every weekday at 6am, among other things to lead the life that I idealize, yet can't find the motivation to do. Discipline builds over time, but us 4's might need external help to raise us to a well-integrated 4 that has built self discipline.
@@zachselin5257 I want to have a friend like that too but I am too disconnected to people in general and I doubt my friendship would last long enough to actually help me to get things done. Are you as a person capable of making long-term friends? I wonder if it's a 4 thing or just me that I can't have longterm close friends.
I do relate, but I care TOO much of what other thinks. Maybe that’s my problem. If I really want to live MY LIFE according to my authentic self, maybe the smartest thing for me is to let go of what I believe other people think of me. Yeah. I think I come to a realization just now 😂
I wonder how many 4’s stay singles for fear of settling down, having to conform in some way to another’s way of living, rules, and regulations, or fear of being misunderstood. Or run away at the first sign of unauthentic behavior; maybe for fear of the past pains repeating again 🤔
I'm a 7w6 and I feel like I would die if I had to wear the same thing every day. Last week I realized I had been in the habit of wearing the same 5 shirts to work every week (because they somewhat matched my 5 masks) and I was like...uh....no this is not going to work. When you described a social 7w6 there was never any thought that I could be anything but that. I had always felt this constant struggle between doing the fun thing vs. doing the responsible thing. I think I was kind of forced to lean heavy on my 6 wing because my husband was gone Monday-Friday and when you have kids somebody needs to be responsible. When he was home for the weekend, he was only interested in being the kids' friend, so even then I had to be the responsible one. My kids both say he squelched the 7 part of me. I know 7 is my core type and that it didn't really go anywhere but he really did hinder the expression of my 7-ness
I can understand mistyping yourself. For almost a year I thought I was a 2w1, but it turns out I was an unhealthy 4w5. Oops! Mistyping happens sometimes I guess. lol
Around 22:00 I was a little bothered that you made it sound like we are saying we are "different," full stop. Think of it more as the conclusion we have come to through years of logical process. I don't feel better or extra or holier than thou. But I do feel that I have learned to not need anyone. Not their entertainment and not their caring about my problems or my life - because so many times I have tried to open up and been shut down or told that I am not good enough in various scenarios. I took even small shutdowns to heart and found solace in art, like a true 4 lol. I'm far past the point in my life where I'm running around saying how i listen to a band you've never heard of. That's like level 1 teenager type of discourse. Each of our type issues is a self fulfilling prophecy in a way and I'm not abdicating responsibility for my being an emotional and sensitive person. But you just read her say that she isn't being different for the sake of being different, and then you turned around and seemed to say just that. I also wish you would talk a little bit more about how the point of Enneagram is that it comes from the roots of our childhood issues. Unlike MBTI, we aren't born into our Enneagram types. We more or less suffer into them and then spend our adult lives trying to compensate. More than anything, I think that the type 4 is always looking for a way to be enough.
It's not about being different🤦♂️. On a personal level.. It's about being authentic. On a relationship level.. It's about intimacy. Intimacy is formed thru compatibility, being able to accept(not necessarily understand) the type 4
Feeling different is not a pity party on the part of a 4. As a 7 you say it is difficult to have sympathy but rest assured that is not what a 4 wants from you. Fours need to have the message conveyed that you are trying to understand. Let me tell you, it is no fun believing and feeling like I am different and that I do not quite fit in anywhere. As I have grown older some of that has been worked through but it has been a life long issue for most of us fours. Sympathy is unnecessary (no thank you) but attempting to understand me goes a long way in helping me feel normal.
I feel like a wolf that accidentally roamed on to the safari and can't find my way out to where I should be. So we learn to behave like the animals on safari but it never ever feels natural, you might find another wolf but you might never find your natural habitat.
I have always loved classical music, which didn't make me popular in rural southern Oklahoma. I just couldn't waste my time listening to music I found unworthy. There are pieces of music in every genre that I like, and I consider them "classical."
Lol I’m here listening at 4:51 and I’m like “will yeah of course I’m going to do what I do and like what I like regardless! Doesn’t everyone ??”haha!! I guess not. I always thought everyone was just freaking boring and painfully basic. But now he’s got me thinking , what if they are all just suppressing their true likes and dislikes?? I’m screaming
It's more than "why am I here?" It's not being able to be normal because it doesn't come naturally. Lots of thoughts and emotions going on under the surface with moments of lack of impulse control. hehe I wonder how many fours have issues with BPD in that they swing between idealizing people but then distancing themselves from people who disappoint them or hurt their feelings. How do you fix the problem of always being the person who has to reach out to not be forgotten? If it were as simple as "everyone is different but the same" if the reaction from people was the same. I really feel that I am constantly being told non verbally that I am different. I hope to get my mind out of my difficult childhood mindset when I was surrounded by bullies and think clearly but I think there is more to it. I'm a work in progress. I agree with the writer. I left a cult and have seen how people can be in an election year. Lots of people don't seem to think for themselves. I respect people that want to keep it light because they help people to see the light when our lights have gone out. I'm not that but still.. That writer seems a lot like me in not being able to laugh. What a sad thought in my fifties that when I was younger, comedy was my life. But then I got into an abusive relationship where I was the punchline..It changes people. Never tell me I think too much. (Guys, it doesn't help. I know you mean well.) My greatest pain was since I left the cult, I had to leave my family behind. I can only dream of what we would be like together if I was still in. But you can't unlearn things or pretend to care about things you don't or don't care about what you do. That's living someone elses life. Its even worse that what I called the truth isn't really true. I can't lie to people that I have it and offer it when I know its a lie.
sorry, cant stop commenting. i have so much to say. i long for explaining it all... imagine 9 people ended up on a desert island. 9 different types. they have to vote for how they are going to live there together. 8 ppl vote for blind, inauthentic living.1 person (4) votes for truthful, authentic living but ends up being a minority. cant do anything about it, has to finish his life living in this hell. has a few options to survive this hell. either compensate by expressing his pain and hoping to find someone who understands and agrees , expressing can be done by complaining, or by making elitist comments (because truth is truer than lie, we are truly higher, truly elite) , or by sometimes looking and doing things differently (which he would anyway, because he likes different things than the majority, but now he’s taking it to extreme in order to be more obvious) OR if you are a healthier Four, you not only finish your pointless life compensating til the end and thats it , BUT you also DO something practical to make this world wake up!!!! secretly put some hints of beauty and truth and paint into a piece of art, hoping that somebody someone will finally understand and wake the fuck up! maybe 1000 years from now, doesn’t matter. now that you’ve successfully expressed your (and everyone’s) truth, you suddenly dont feel so useless and you are actually healed. you did your purpose suddenly
Martina Nichtová why is it hardest for Fours to heal? because to heal means to serve their purpose, which is the hardest purpose of all to achieve. it is to show the fucking TRUTH. which means to EXPRESS theirself authentically to themselves , because they have a GIFT to do so!!! but its so freaking difficult. it is the cruelest torture to TRY one’s best to express himself and still fail. not being able to get there in this lifetime. try and still fail. to do that perfect artwork that perfectly nails it, nails the truth of all truth, of all beauty, of all pain, to wake us all up. that would hurt the most. to fail. because only perfect is good. only one truth nails it all. and so I distract myself not to even try. and sabotage myself. and that hurts too, a lot, but less. and i complain. and i’m hurting. and im anxious. and im different. keep hinting. hinting my pain. and i do come across as elitist, of course. because i am. my purpose is not to repair computers or to sell ice-cream. my purpose hurts day and night . my purpose is to make the world understand.
annoying how highest art serves only to entertain stupid shallow people who dont understand or to earn money. wake up. try to understand til you break in your knees and cry with us
Please help me figure this out... I try to go along with other people but often I get bored or tired.. So I have to pull back to regain my energy thru my own interests (which are often different to other people) but I don't set out to be different, but I often have a different opinion on most things! ..(it feels like im "causing trouble" so I try reign it in) I thought this was a 4 thing. Now I'm not so sure. I don't want to be difficult or different, I just want to maintain my energy supply, which often seems to leak, around other people if I stay around them too long or feel I have to agree with them to keep the good feeling going .. I'm often happiest when it's just me and my dog..it feels so much simpler. We hardly talk. We just "be"... is this a 4 trait?
The most healing place for a 4's self indulging darkness can be a serious physical work in a garden. What would seem a "khaki" activity, observing there life struggle rewards with the epic eureka how perfect is the balance of darkness and lightness. Appreciating also a touch of silliness (of course not stupidity and total dumbness) turns out to be essential for our physical health. 4s darkness turns me away from them. I rather be with who reciprocates my own lightness of being, even after shit hits the fan. An unhealthy chronic dark 4's energy is unbearable to me, an 8w7. I can handle a lot of life's darkness, but I don't have the chaps to pickle in it.
Dude all these 4s here trying to explain themselves, their suffering, I wanna give you all a hug. Sincerely, a fellow 4
As a 4w5 my experience has been more one of having others remark or comment or point out that I’m different when I’ve just been doing ‘me’.
We’re all unique & we’re all the same... I have no trouble connecting with people with where they’re at, but it feels shallow to me & often feels like they’re uninterested, unwilling or unable to meet me where I’m at & I’m often uninterested in the things that they are.
It’s a lack of a depth to the communication or connection that leaves me feeling unfulfilled & different & sometimes it does hurt.
‘Meaning’ is everything to a 4
Great insight. Thanks.
Yes this
Spot on.
My wife is a 1 and she needs to know "why" things are, while I NEED to know "WHAT THEY MEAN". Why a thing happens means rather little to me, I need to know what it means......we speak past each other a lot, but learning about who we are is helping.
Tom: "Do you feel that as a 4 you're different than other 4s?"
All the 4s: "Yes"
Yes, 100%. But we don't view that as the problem.
@@Capricorn_INTJ🙌🏽
When she wrote , “alone and hurting that no one is capable of feeling it with me.” I have Tears, and goosebumps. Literally wiping my tears rn.
"I don't WANT to be different, I just feel I am". Exactly. So many enneagram people believe we WANT to deferenciate ourselves absolutely. For me it's a painful feeling to feel different. It is certainly not a desire !
Hi.. thank you for your informative and well put together videos. They are clear and very relatable. . . I am a 4 and would like to mention about 4s feeling different which is spoken about here and on your other video about 4s. The REASONS I feel different are because I am so sensitive and feel my emotions so deeply. Sometimes the slightest comment can injure or an impressive view can evoke such strong emotions that it can almost be overwhelming. it doesnt feel like other types feel this to the same degree so I feel different. Also, I like conversations that look at the metaphysical aspects of life as well as the physical and how these two elements combine. I like to see behind the curtain as well as what's on the stage. Again, it's not too often where I can share these types of conversations and feel like the other person is invested in the conversation as much as I am so I feel different. Also, 4s want to deal with the emotional matters of life above everything else and this isn't the case with other types. Its everything for me but others can sometimes feel uncomfortable when things get too personal or too self revelatory. I sense this and so I feel different and usually withdraw after my thoughts and feelings are not received the way I would of hoped. Also, other types seem much more able to cope in the practical world because their emotions are less front and centre all the time. This can feel very painful for me to carry on with these every day things when my emotional needs are always left wanting, which for large parts of my life they have been. So because of this I feel different and envious of how other types just seem to plough on through life in the practical world. Finally, living in a society that really celebrates macho bravado men who are alphas etc is incredibly difficult as a man. So , in this instance I feel so different from other men. I'm constantly comparing myself and assessing myself against other men and rarely see this deep , sensitive person so I feel different. I realise a lot of what I've just said boils down to being a 4 in the average levels of health which is where I am. I know these feelings of feeling different will slip away if I improve myself. Anyway, these are just the thoughts of Male 4 in the average levels as to why i feel different. I hope this helps shed some more light on to understanding 4s. Thanks again for the videos. . . Dave
Thanks so much Dave for sharing this insight. It is really helpful. Blessings.
If I may ask, how old are you? And when did you discover that you were a 4?
@@bez1196 hi there. I'm 44. I found out about 10 years ago.
Yes!.. that is exactly the areas/ways i too feel different..
I dont set out to TRY and be different Or look for something else to like or do because others do it . No...not at all.. i just like what i like...if its beautiful n makes me happy i like it...also; yes, i must have symmetry n it look beautiful n balanced to me, but that is the artist in me too-♡
So much "Yes!" I think I feel different, too, in that I feel "weird". It's ok, and I don't mean it in a negative way, but people don't always get me or my sense of humor, so I feel different. I feel different because I don't have friendships like others. I think once people see my depth of emotion, it makes them uncomfortable; and the ones that seem to be ok with it, actually try and take advantage of it. I'm truly learning to let Jesus be the one I turn to, talk to.
"You'll be all the different you can handle if you just be kind to people." - love that! (4w5)
Yep, so many try to be different by wearing weird clothes or piercings. The real difference is kindness, love, and compassion. Also can you just be yourself and wear whatever. I wear khakis but I like them. What I wear is not so important to me. But I try to be kind, gentle, loving, honest, and have integrity. I try to bre a Christ like person altough knowing that no one but Christ can truly be that. So grace and mercy must abound to the other AND myself. The latter is the harder part.
Yes I loved that statement!!
Thank you for appreciating 4’s. It’s very uplifting because being awake can feel isolating. I relate to so much about this description but fun is actually very important to me and in my reality, it’s not superficial at all. It’s joy and that’s a lifeline, especially after having a past history of severe depression and dissociation which I have overcome. I require and seek depth, travel through deep and dark places and love to hold space for others to heal letting them know I don’t blink an eye at anything they share. But to me, finding a joyful foundation of gratitude is essential. I wouldn’t still be alive without it.
Thanks for your kind words.
Imagine if the world rejected 7’s as aliens for their fitting in lifestyle and their living in the moment. For being who you are. That’s how it feels to be a 4. The world rejects us because we’re different.
Yikes, sounds awful.
@@sokunine I doubt that he is trying to rub it in your face. I imagine he is trying to be understood and finding that he's not and that is a painful experience for him. He might be a 4w3 (like me) that needs that acknowledgement. Ironically, I often hide or play down my uniqueness and so because no one really fully knows it, it feels quite lonely.
I “AM” different vs I “feel” different. “I AM” seems prideful and arrogant. “I feel” seems so much more human. “I AM” is an automatic separation. “I feel” is an offer to connect.
I actually had this dream last night that I showed up to some kind of camp just for Infps. Btw, I'm 47. An infp-t and 4w5. When I pulled up in my car I looked at everyone and I could tell they were all unique and genuine. I knew I finally found a group that I'd belong.
Okay. Here’s how I see it as a 4-
The reason we see ourselves as different is because we are often rejected when we open ourselves up to some other types with our “deep” feelings, thoughts, or pain. I guess another way to word it is not so much that we are different, but that other types who have access to the deep end- don’t or won’t go there. That could be for a million reasons, culture, fitting in, comfort level, whatever. As a result, we often feel not understood or misunderstood, or even ignored, in the areas that we place so much meaning in. I love hearing from other 4’s and feel so validated seeing the similarities. Thanks for all of your videos they provide so much clarity and help so much in personal reflection and self acceptance.
As a four, I didn't see myself in either of my parents when growing up. I then began to look outside myself to feel that I mattered, and succumbed to feelings of inadequacy. So, as an unhealthy four, that's where the need to feel/be unique comes in. And oh the feelings of envy of those that seem to have it all. I think fours would agree that we've (fours), all awakened from the matrix. And many fours together, although they would attract to each other, they would also work to bring out, their own special brand of uniqueness. My continuous goal is to keep growing into a healthier four, and bring my particular gifts, and true authenticity, to the world.
Same here. ❤
We were born awake. Born into this dream world, fully awake and vaguely remembering but a thumbprint of the true reality we were born from. Ever trying to realize it into this world.
This
yes. see my comment too please
Deja Vu hits hard.
👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾
As for 4s feeling different, this is why 4s are so drawn to self-expression be it in their wardrobe or artistic talents. For me, I knew that just 'feeling different' wasn't enough--that I had to master a talent in order to distinguish that difference. The separation/withdrawing from others stems from others' only wanting to connect on shallow things. I actually prefer funerals to weddings. I hate places where I am 'supposed' to feel happy b/c everyone else does and I do not. At a funeral (not that I am happy someone has died, but I am using this figuratively) people are more reflective and I feel I can relate to them so much better. It is morbid and weird but true. I do feel I am a 4 among 4s, not b/c I don't relate their feelings and thoughts but it depends on the 4. I was surprised when so many were willing to read Harry Potter and engage in commercial stuff, which I won't do, as 'broad appeal' tends to be shallow. (Again, I realize each thing needs to be examined individually.) I can't comment on your Matrix analogy as that film is too commercial for my taste. LOL I actually have a good sense of humor and can laugh at the melancholy sometimes. A lot of times what happens is I will want to connect but then when I get blank stares as result (or the fact that few enjoy what I enjoy, i.e. older films, classics, my talents etc.) I just withdraw and don't bother even mentioning it. So a 4 then can hold themselves back and then get resentful that you don't see their gifts. It's counter-intuitive, but it happens. I have to gravitate towards those who share my interests and 'get me' and with them I have the best friendships. I will admit that I have viewed people collectively--'they're all eggs from the same carton', and in my attempt to break that habit I will try to engage in something deeper, but when that doesn't get reciprocated, my beliefs are confirmed that many just float through life without real reflection. Hence I feel I am different.
Great response, thanks. Blessings. I loved your comment about the Matrix- to commercial...
@@twlahue I have enjoyed your videos so far. Very insightful and entertaining!
Hey, as another 4, I also don't get the thing with Harry Potter and Matrix lol
Argh! Now I'm watching the 2nd half and I'm going crazy lol. I actually find it quite painful being different and I often HIDE my difference because I want to fit in and belong.... but because I hide that difference, I know that I don't really fit and perhaps don't truly belong. We long to be accepted for who we are - to be exactly who we are and accepted as that. I understand that you are trying to help all the personality types do balance themselves - but that's a hard message to hear as a 4, because I don't know about other 4's but I feel like I'm constantly having to compromise myself in order to get along with the rest of the world. Our deepest longing is to be understood as we are and to be known - that's why we look for that soulmate or that one friend that can handle that and don't run away from it: all our intensity, our unique thoughts/ideas, our passions, our opinions, our brokenness and our creativity.... and be appreciated for it. When you explain to us that our intensity makes people run away from us - we know that already! That's why we feel different and are different, and why we feel like sometimes we have to withdraw so we can be ourselves. If only the other personality types could accept and embrace us - even if it's in small doses - because it's actually not easy being unique. And yes, we are unique. When we embrace our difference, we create something meaningful and contribute it to the world - whether that's through writing or painting or sculpture or music... In my case, it is through the programmes that I've written that help people to recover from depression/anxiety and the work that I do with people and then train others to do. We ARE different and have something unique to contribute to the world and that should be celebrated.
Didn't he say that in a summarized way? Also, he was just trying to understand what a four was telling him.
21:13 I think its sort of like shes different in the way that she craves more than them .. like a certain type of depth, level of rawness, authenticity, and vulnerability with people & it's aggravating in a way. Obviously, not everyone wants to be THAT intense all the time but, it's like you're constantly craving that one thing from that person (or people) that you cannot fully receive. And it is hard to build the relationship because of the unfulfilled depth (whether that's perceived or not) and it causes you not to be excited to even want to continue to build it or want to progress because it's like what's the point. Weird way to look at it but it's sort of like if I can't have this thing to fulfill me completely I don't want it at all. That's how I personally interpreted it from my personal experience but I'm not too sure if thats what she meant.
💯 on what you said about feeling like you woke from the matrix.
You asked if we look at other 4's and see them as different - we do, and for the most part we have some deep respect for them. We clash heavily with some 4's on our differing elitism tastes, but if we are mature about it we can agree to disagree and also appreciate that they have a deep appreciation for something even though it's not the same thing.
I do tend to feel so many others are 'sleeping', or that they're just apathetic and just don't care about deeper things. Even after understanding that us 4's are naturally drawn to being genuine (that means *not* ignoring or minimizing difficult or dark things), it is still mostly hard to appreciate others that aren't willing to go there.
I realized that the first things I tend to do when I meet people is try to get a controversial reaction from them, or basically do all these things to see if they give me the expected response, or a 'real' response based on what they actually think/feel. That's how I think I subconsciously filter people out, basically deciding that I don't want much to do with X person or that I can disregard certain parts of them because they're just going to say what they're supposed to say vs. an actual thoughtful opinion.
However, I think for me my shame works completely different then is theorized about in the video.
For me, I feel that I naturally see all the differences in things, and I naturally see everything that is wrong with everything. I walk into a room, and I see a hundred things that bother the heck out of me, as an example. As a dreamer/romantic, I have this incredibly idealized notion of everything, but things don't match up. I'm really good at pointing out all of the problems in things. Also, I have insanely high respect for art that I think is worthy, and I'm driven furiously mad when people don't have admiration for things that are masterfully well done. It makes me feel that they are worthless and have no standards, that they hate the beautiful and rejoice in the pitiful.
Shame comes in this way - with all of the issues that I naturally see everywhere, it's impossible to live up to it. In fact, I often find myself paralyzed by all of the things I don't have right. Where some other people I know will take immediate action when there is a problem, for me, when there is a big problem, it is so catastrophic and shameful for me that I freeze and can't do anything. Often when I wake in the morning, almost instantly all of the problems with my life flood into my head, and I think as a defense mechanism all I do is try to fall back asleep where I'm safe from that stress. Stress is hard on the body after all.
So I feel intense shame constantly. For that reason, I despise social media, because it keeps a record of my past for all to see. When I look at any of it, I usually feel huge shame for not being what I could be.
This is also why 4's integrate to 1, I believe. We admire 1's. They have high standards, and live up to them. We 4's can find it difficult to "just do it" when we don't feel like it, yet it is exactly what we need to do to get out of our predicament.
One of my best friends is a 1w2, and it's a perfect match because he is always furiously pointing out all the things I need to do, and also helping me do them. That added command is enough to force me to actually take care of all the things I need to take care of, and do things quicker and more efficient without getting dragged down by my current emotion or energy. It's awesome to have a 1w2 because they don't go easy on you, but they'll also help you. Like the drill Sargent that us 4's desperately need.
Wow, great insight, thanks.
Thanks so much for these videos! I'm watching through them and it's helping a lot.
Hopefully it doesn't seem from the above that 4's like me look down on people - we often do, but we also see many people as much better then ourselves (at least in certain dimensions), and I also feel that we can have a lot of compassion and know that things are hard (at least when we are integrated well enough). We're willing to empathize with people and know it's a struggle. I think similar to the idea that "the only unforgivable is bad taste", (at least for me) expands to the idea "the only unforgivable is downplaying the ideal". I can get over people's with "bad taste" (although it's very hard!) but I find it exquisitely hard to empathize when someone diminishes the ideal, because us romantic 4's have no higher admiration for anything but the greatest ideal (the most expert craft, most beautiful art, most genius creation, etc). To me, diminishing something incredible (or not praising it well enough) is to mock goodness itself, which in turn leads me to believe that they do so because they want to lower their standards out of laziness or the pain that comes from the difference between the ideal and their position.
Yesss- I can relate to the matrix scenario. I feel like everyone around me appears to be secure and comfortable with who they are, but once I talk to them or use my intuition to tap into them, I can see, hear, feel, and understand that they are just as lost and vulnerable to the world around them.
I spent 37 years not knowing who I was and constantly feeling like I didn't belong. I've spent the last two years awakened to this fact and trying to find who I am and where I fit in in the bigger picture.
It's been an eye-opening yet exhausting journey, to say the least.
I do relate to other 4’s.. I really liked the letter you read, it helped me a lot! I wish I could meet her, and connect with other 4’s. I’m surrounded by people who tell me I’m bad for who I am inside.
❤
Yes girl! Preach! I am here😄 -4w3
You made me feel great. All my life I always thought there was something wrong with me. I recently learned that I am a 4w5.
I am so happy I found your channel. When I first found out I was a 4w5 I decided to listen to a few youtube videos about it and boy oh boy I wasn't ready for the harsh words used to describe us. I have not finished watching any of those other videos even though they are shorter than yours. I like the way you explain the "envy" that we feel. (in other videos as well) I really thought long and hard about it but just couldn't bring myself to admit to feeling envious of anyone. I also am too familiar with the dark place. I don't want anyone to exactly tell me to snap out of it because I want to feel all the emotions that I am supposed to feel. Hiding them makes me feel stifled and it is impossible to go through a day ignoring it. I really feel worse when I stifle my emotions. I do feel different from others but have never thought of myself as better than others. I just think that I feel everything too deeply and it takes some time for me to process all that I fell. Your friend's letter pretty much sums up exactly how I would like to describe myself as a 4w5 but I could never find the words to express them like that.
Thank you for putting in the effort to find out about the 4s.
21:11 - we want other people to see and to accept us for who we are; for our true selves that we know we are on the inside! We might refuse to sacrifice that Self to gain their approval, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want others to like us. We want our Selves to be accepted instead of changing who we are to gain acceptance. Because if you have to change to be let in, then you haven’t been let in.
Thanks for the insight.
This is exactly how it is!! 4w5
So true. If you won't let me be me, then you don't really want me.
Thats how I feel about the struggles I have in connecting with others. I feel that when I open my mouth no one relates. When I’m watching their reactions. Then I feel shut down and not accepted. Communication with others is my biggest challenge in all aspects of life. Always being misunderstood, not heard, ignored, not sought after at times, negative. It hurts and is so frustrating always experiencing this. I just want to be happy with myself and who I am I don’t care to please.
Your videos are on point! We appreciate you so much for sharing your knowledge.
So glad to help. Thanks for the encouraging words.
Dr. Tom LaHue .. you are so good, and your delivery is so great and kind to hear. Bless you for caring about the self-absorbed fours!! For example and helping me understand the other numbers. How do I write a letter to you to ask things privately?
Im a 4 and i think im very average but people always say that they never met someone like me. I don’t know how i feel about that. Actually i know exactly how i feel but too many layers to tackle right now.
I can relate to that, and sometimes i hurts my feelings when they say they’ve never met someone like me before in a negative way.
Wow. On point with the matrix comparison. The inner battle of a 4 with wanting to fit in while being authentic was so perfectly laid out for us. This letter put into words what I haven’t been able to as a 4. The part about being envious of other’s ability to laugh, and how not being able to see it must be nice. However, What hit me the hardest was when she said “I don’t want to be separated but I don’t want to connect superficially”. Superficiality has become more and more challenging to handle. Finding people you can have a meaningful conversation with is definitely one of my greatest struggles. Thank you for sharing her words and thank whoever you are… for allowing your inner thoughts to be shared with us. This was so needed for me ❤
I'm so glad you connected with the video! The struggle for authenticity while wanting to fit in is something many people experience, and it’s great to see that others resonate with it too.
I agree with you 💯 , I felt a sleep my entire life , the enngram woke me up . I totally don't relate to most of the letter is saying even though it was true to me before, I look at my old self from far away, from the outside , many of my old suffering don't even make sense anymore. I wonder about why I was making myself miserable, and all the people that love me so much .
Thanks for opening our eyes DR. you do it in amazing compassionate way.
Glad to help!
Here's the thing you said, "When we think we are better than others...?" That's the #1 mistake because these/this is your thought belief thinking we are standing out, being different to compete with you or to go above you? That's not our intent by far!!! We are this way because it is genuinely us or our feeling/ right. Never to cause one to feel bad. When we feel good in something or somewhere it really shows doesn't it!
Im a 4w5 believe it or not? I truly believe I was much healthier as a 4 before turning 24yrs old. I knew something wasn't right within my family though I didn't have enough info to compare it to, life experiences. When you have been taught to numb your pain for so long. When your not allowed to show emotion, told you feel to much. If you speak out you get less attention or shut out. As I matured I had memories like pieces in a puzzle come to me. I had to find/see the whole picture. Truth. When you have all the pieces, you know the truth. Painfully you struggle trying to find out who you are or what you are because you been told, lied to from the people you were raised with, trusted. Family I thought included "Trust?" Boy was I wrong! So I'm am not anything like these criminals, evil, hurtful ones in my family. So WHO AM I? That's the identity we are learning to know without others input of it. Pain should be a longer word. For four letters it sure comes up short. I'm a pain Thesaurus, if pain were a organism? I would be a Taxonomist. I don't mind and I find more beauty in pain because I dive deep and I am able to help others with empathy. Pain has light, it's not all dark. Their Darkness is my Candle. I can show you the way, it's not the darkest place & there is much to learn. Blah, blah, blah....hey have you noticed that hole at the bottom of the Enneagram? Between 4 & 5. That's the Darkest place I just don't know if I can take what I feel along the way? That's where I'm headed(eventually) Wish me Luck! Lol
Thanks for your comment. It is really deep stuff. Far away from the land of 7's. But I appreciate it.
"Their darkness is my candle" girl you rock with that metaphor wow
Good luck on the bottom of the ocean. I hear that the fauna on the thermal vents is very interesting 🙂
Daniel Powell Hello, just so you’re aware . Your response is typical. You see it as a measurement underneath yours? Not the case. You (ur perception/view) see through a ego filter. Your shadow is in front of your true self. What you see is obscured. Im saying this Not to hurt or embarrass u in any way. Simply to help you get to the Truth . I wish you the best take care!
LOL you got me there, I am trying to be different by being kind ^^ Also on the fluidity of our identity - well that is what it is, we have a fluid identity, that's what we are all about. We change and morph all the time to appeal to our growth as people, we just become MORE ourselves the deeper we dive into life and look behind corners to find out how things tick.. including our own minds and the minds of others.
Ps.. the matrix thing you mentioned is very true for me
+1, I have a weak spot for conspiracy theories :D
@@JulietTheGirl lol. Me too.
i am a four and exactly, i feel like i am in a matrix and i woke up. i feel like other fours are awake too and i can connect with them. i just dont know many. i can even connect with the wisdom of edgar allan poe , amy winehouse and other dead Four artists. i do my art to connect with people that will understand. even after my death. i try to communicate the beauty, the truth and the wisdom, just sometimes it feels very lonely. i have learnt to connect over stupid shallow stuff with shallow people and pretend that it matters and that i am normal like them. it helps me get at least a little bit of connection which is a human need. so I learnt that but my soul is dying . i lack connection . i lack understanding. the only meaningful thing to connect over is the deep truth, the pain, the melancholy, the beauty - which i consider all just the same thing. but all other types just avoid those. noone sees the truth. everyone is asleep, aftaid, blind, inauthentic. truth, love, beauty - they are all the same thing. of course we feel elitist. of course. because it is true. and of course we can get close to suicide sometimes. the truth kills us, the beauty kills us. the pain kills us. the longing kills us. which is all the same thing. if not shared with anyone, is very painful.
and i think that one learns the truth when he experiences the pain. the truth lies in the pain. i think we have experienced some pain in our early childhood and we had a glimpse of the truth. and from that day we wanna find it and our life becomes a search for it. we dont avoid the pain because thats where we think it lies. we refuse anything inauthentic because its certainly not there to be found. like if you are in a matrix and you are having a good time, it is painful for you to learn that its only a matrix and so you avoid that. we know already, that we are in a matrix and no point in matrix pleasure, if its inauthentic. truth is more important, even if it was more painful, which it is
a Four person communicates the truth just by the way he lives, he dresses, he talks, he is. he symbolises the truth by it. its as if he had a tatoo on his forhead saying : we are in a matrix, wake up everyone. im refusing to play all your matrix games and pretend that i dont know that its just a matrix. its time to wske up
we are elitists, we consider ourselves “those who understand...”
Wow i can relate to what you said a lot. I wish I had people around me who I can connect with and have a real relationship with them.
That point at right at the beginning 2:59 - 3:14 is so true. I made a comment in one of my videos (a point that's apparently controversial; "not a real 4" etc.) that I seek subtle connection (and the counter was that I was a "flaming 9" for that). I see that as my social subtype that knows that if I have *zero* presence in the outside world (as people in my personal life often say I'm a recluse, need to get out, etc.) that the differences I like about myself won't see the light of day. And worse, the things I *don't* like about myself, or EVEN WORSE, the *superficial* things I don't care about, will be the focus. So not my books, not my music, not my nonprofit background etc., but my clothes, "how's the house/yard", and "you should go into business", and "you need to sell yourself" and so on.
So ultimately (and I think this commenter totally missed my point - uh oh, I'm misunderstood!) it's not being like others I care about. The tiny, small connections I have are *means* to the *end* of showing what I'm actually proud of and what I see as my difference/unique offerings. It's like when Bruce Lee says, "Don't think. Feel. It is like a finger pointing a way to the moon. Don't focus on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory."
"Because I'm different."" is an oversimplified statement/explanation. That's often overused in enneagram community. 4s should stop using it as well to describe themselves, to identify with that statement, because other types narrow down their perception around this statement that lacks so much clarity. For me, it's actually a cellular experience of experiencing something only I can understand "fully" (sense and perception), if I want to, and having understood my own /"individual" lens so broadly and probably overdone, that the act of simply relating to another person can be very hard.. especially if they begin with small talks or only want to hear the superficial and you are at a level of cognition that way too overwhelming for them to know. Being different is a flight experience, an escape, an afterthought, it's not what happens in the inner world level which is sooo filled with a lot of things "weighty". It's important for 4s to recalibrate, to resurface, be back in reality and then engage. It can be done only when 4s are mindful (which is really the hardest task) as we don't swing to any head-types who understand fear very much. A 4 needs clarity to understand the fear behind the shame: being ordinary. And that it's okay. It doesn't have to go, but it has be processed and accepted that there are days it's okay to be ordinary.
thanks for the insight
I think all of our comments help me so much to see how very spot on his videos are.
Definitely. The "i'm different" part bothered me too
Old comment but..
I agree with this so much as a 4 myself. Other types have higher cognition in different things, and that's why I get overwhelmed engaging with some of THEM. So imagine, they also may feel the need to temper down some of their own aspects when around ME. 4s just need to realize that literally everyone's doing this bc we're all just trying to meet halfway.
It sounds like you have a strong 5 wing.
Being a 4 this was really insightful. I've found more recently that the short cut in a sense to getting out of dark places is letting someone love you in there way. In that they seam to be more open to understanding what is going on in a 4s life and can really help you not feel alone.
That is an awesome point. thanks.
LOLOL! I am a #4, married for nearly FORTY THREE years to a #7....WE have trudged through all these moments of #7 adventuring - and #4 emotional digging...pardon me while I giggle in your struggle to fully appreciate the writer's explanation of deep feeling - you speak of her feeling with as much compassion as is possible for a #7 - and I REALLY APPRECIATE your VALIANT EFFORT - LOLOL
I have 2 close 4 s in my life. This is a very hard number for me to embrace, because I agree with you, EVERYBODY is unique and different. This is why we have a "face recognition", and the finger prints technology , and the DNA tests. We even all need to try on many pairs of shoes to find one that fits our unique foot. All this translates to our individual uniqueness in every aspect of our being. This sens of being different in a 4 doesn't recognize how all of us are gifted the uniqueness, it rather reads as a competition to show the superiority. This vanity of superiority reflects the ego's blocking the gratitude for everything good that comes toward a 4's way, and creates a black hole in a heart which nothing ever can fill no matter how much we pour into it. It is perplexing to me why would anyone prefer to see life as being never enough. A healthy 4 however can gift us with the Chopin like preludes, the Dostoyevsky like prose, and a gentle ephemeral presence.
4 here and I'm in my late 30s. That feeling when others find about the matrix that you have been telling to others all your life from the point when you got that matrix cord out of your neck.
I think that point in the beginning is very important:when i was very unhealthy i used being different to push my ego. When i recognized this as unhealthy, i totally overcompensated and became an anxious people-pleaser, my self-expression completely blocked. The healthier i become the less i care what people think. And i don't give a shit about being different. I just happen to do some things differently than others but most of the time i am not even aware of that anymore.
Hello Tom! One more tid-bit to share to you. I wrote this down long ago. Not sure exactly who said it? I've always got a lot out of it though. I'm passing it on.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the World.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's NOT just in some of us, it is in Everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
God Bless!
That is great!
Omg you hit the nail on the head with the matrix analogy. I've felt like that FOR YEARS.
A difference I think is that 4's appreciate their differences from each other and find it an important part of the relationship, whereas other enneagram types see difference in mindset as a hindrance to the relationship.
It also isn't so much of a physical difference, but a difference in basic mental wiring or mindset that's almost impossible to change. Attempting to go against the natural tendency is an uphill battle that can leave a 4 exhausted and very mentally unhealthy if they spend their time trying to be like other types in an attempt to alleviate the unavoidble social issues that go with their type.
Also I think that what she was saying about that feeling ashamed may instead be obsessing over these unique four issues, which can seem superficial to other types, but are very important to 4's.
I know I'm late to this. But I'll say it anyway!
As a 4w5, it actually does matter if people approve or disapprove of my tastes. Now I'll still partake in whatever it is despite the fact that nobody else does. But it does help if someone else can enjoy something similar (even though it frustrates me that I'm not as "unique" anymore). It helps because if nobody appreciates what I do that'll contribute to the fear that I'm intrinsically broken beyond repair. 4s need a lot of affirmation, even in what they enjoy. We just need it kinda differently. It hurts to hear, "Nobody likes your music." But it's lovely if someone said, "I don't know many people that van appreciate the art you do, but I'm glad you found your niche interests. Not many people do. So go explore it more!"
Many insights in your observations. Fours are often very specific about what they like and believe, but not always in an effort to be different or distance themselves from others. They are just being “true” to themselves. We sometimes try on various “caps” in our search for self or attempts to “adapt” to the wider world. When we are untrue to ourselves; however, it can be like waking up from a bad dream. A veil is lifted and it can be jarring to realize a relationship, a job, a direction is simply not working and is not an expression of self. Rather than feel different or excluded, it can be more like realizing “I am who I am”; it is okay to be my “specific” self. Sometimes we can even “settle” and find meaning and belonging even where we might not think we belong. We create our own sense of belonging and stop longing and can enjoy life and the world as it is.
26:41
As a type four this is so true for me. I agree that I do feel this way. It’s a good way of putting it.
As an SP 4w5 I can connect with other people who are very different from me, even have different political or religious beliefs. The problem is that in order for us to feel connected we require a depth most people are not willing to venture into, or not capable of maybe? Most other types seem totally satisfied with a connection we perceive as shallow. It's like this, imagine you are invited to a pool party, you arrive and the pool is actually a shallow pool with water only to your ankles. And all these people are standing around in it chatting with their drinks & having a great ole time!!!!! To them it's wonderful, but if you're someone who understands the joy of a nice dive or a swim, you would feel like something is lacking. It's like that - some people are deathly afraid of water, or don't know how to swim, or don't care to learn to swim. Or maybe they just don't have the capability, that's my conclusion most often. So it's not that we're trying to separate ourselves from others, we know that deep inside we are different & that's okay, but it can get really lonely swimming by yourself sometimes.
Yes! I think the “feeling different” is because we 4s need things that the other types seem to shy away from or scorn or just be intimidated by.
16:22 "You have to try to fit in and blend in 'cause you have to get a paycheck" -- how sad and pathethic is this society that forces me (and every other person) to do this. I LAMENT and WEEP for the state of this (Western) world wherein one must contort and distort oneself just to survive, nay, subsist. I desire neither fitting in nor blending in but simply being myself. And I wish that his would be attainable for each and every single conscious being.
Sorry, I had to get this off my chest.
4w5 here. I know that we are no different from each other, but staying true to ourselves makes a LOT of people uncomfortable, which makes us know and feel different. I have become accepting of this, but it's still very hard that I am misunderstood by others. I also know that others appreciate my oddness and can be beneficial for the world. There are also ones that initially find me odd, but somehow it clicks for them why I am the way I am and I welcome them with open arms.
When it comes to our love-hate relationship with uniqueness (ours and others', btw) and fitting in, I think we have a deep fear of rejection in a society that values cool superficiality, success, norms, gregariousness etc. We genuinely CAN'T maintain socially normative conversations like small talk, which is key for building initial rapport. That's because when you say 1 word we hear 20 more:
brains firing up in a million directions, intrigued by you, by life, whatever you just said, checking all previous data on you to understand your mental state and intentions and to anticipate all your next moves, needs, or desires, but to nevertheless try to grasp your essence and relate to you wholistically as a unique individual, and then.. oh wait, yes, of course, by now it's our time to speak, and we just realized our body language and reaction time is slightly off, and we can already see your searching eyes and facial muscle twitches demand from us our own timely stereotypical facial expressions and some good old jolly response, but we just want to say - "You are sooo wonderful and fascinating, and if it were socially acceptable I would squeal and squeeze you, and then kidnap and interrogate you for days on my own time, and you'd evenlike it so much it may revolutionize your world. But never mind, I'll just see myself out now, because I don't even know what to say next, and you already look weirded out by your own expectations of me."
So we just exclude ourselves before others get the chance to do it and destroy our remaining self-confidence. And as these stressful experiences accumulate we reach a point where we can't stand ourselves, so we start to resent and envy you with destructive intensity. You call it random moodiness and sensitivity when that happens.. which makes us feel even more misunderstood and judgemental of you.
But we actually like our unbound minds - it allows us to like us, and you, and the universe SO much we could explode. But you just want to stay on the surface, and honestly, it's really endearing, and even intriguing in itself how much most of you bore us right out of our skulls.. Even we believe in your ability to have more satisfying connections if you became more authentic. And THEN the world would be sublime, exciting, and technicolor for all of us. So we kinda blame and judge you for that, and for making us feel rejected when we accept you unconditionally, even more than you accept yourselves.
There. And all in standard short-form Type 4 narrative format. Cheers! :D
I love how you talk abut E4. You really understand us. I love your channel!!! Thank you!
Thank you so much!
When you talk about 4s surrounding themselves with meaningful aesthetic things because that is.. my entire life as a 4
This is ironically tongue in cheek...but you don’t get it 😂
And I’m obviously joking. I love your videos! They bring courage and challenge. And you’ve got it exactly right. We want to fit in without blending in.
Thanks
As a 4 I would definitely say the matrix thing is spot on!
She wants her authenticity respected yet she can’t respect other people’s authenticity because she has a definition of what authenticity is which by default makes it unauthentic. Maybe other people’s authenticity is to have small talk and watch NASCAR.
When you said “The clothes at Kohls are nice” I had a strong negative reaction LOL and started talking back to the video 😂.
My sister told me to take this test and i am a 4 and it has opened a new door and has answered alot of my question i have asked my whole life it makes me feel so much better knowing im not alone
Around 21:20 - "and it is hard to be sympathetic to it, because I just don't understand it" - well, this is e x a c t l y the kind of comments we get which make us feel different and misunderstood and not fitting in.
I fully understand what she says in her letter here, and I cannot understand that people don't get it.
Mostly, I have become rather withdrawn in conversations, because 1) I'm fed up of the general superficiality which bores me to death, and 2) I get the feeling that people don't get me and that I make the conversation awkward.
So I let people have their mundane superficial conversations, and I think in my head "just a couple of minutes/hours more, and then I can get home, phewy, what a relief!!". I guess this must be written all over my face, with the result that I don't get included because I clearly push people away with my negative vibes.
Trying to fit in with a fake smile is exhausting. I sometimes do it for the people I love, but often feel close to tears when the conversation drags on for too long.
As a 4, I don't think we need to connect over material stuff because we can always connect over matters of the heart. I mean, no matter what kind of car you drive or what clothes you wear, we are all dealing with the greater existential problems of life, which are finding purpose and meaning and dealing with the problem of our mortality. That stuff contains a whole bunch of deep and heart-felt conversations over time that can lead to a deep connection between us, but the question is will the other personalities want to join us in the fire and the darkness and stare into the depth of their own souls? Do you dare to be vulnerable with us?
I make a research and I found this " Type Fours have a deep fear of losing the very foundation that makes them who they are - their individuality "I always afraid that I will lose what's makes me me!
I’m a 4w5 and l think that my high level of creativity and imaginative thinking does make me different from a lot of people. I have struggled with terrible self esteem my whole life so I don’t say this in an elitist or arrogant way, on the contrary, it has often made me feel like a freak! I’ll give a sort of humorous (and perhaps gross) example of how since my early childhood I thought in an odd way. When I was 4 years old I was hospitalized with extreme dehydration after having had a nasty stomach bug. One morning a doctor and nurse came into my room and asked if I had had any diarrhea that day and if so, how much? In complete seriousness I said, “yes, I had a splat about the size of a Barbie pancake”. To my mortification the doctor and nurse burst out laughing and commented on what a funny reply it was. The creative nature of my mind often makes odd connections that make me seem strange or different. I don’t intend to set myself apart, in fact it’s been a long and painful process to finally come to embrace this and laugh about it. I really think that it’s a misunderstanding to believe that 4’s are arrogant and trying to be special. It seems to me that most 4’s are not making an effort to be different, but that a high level of creativity does set our thinking processes apart in some ways. I’m grateful that I grew up in the south where eccentricity is actually admired and valued to some degree. Fortunately for me, some people found my offbeat thinking and ways to be endearing which sometimes offset my feelings of being a misfit.
It's amazing to hear how you've come to embrace your creativity and uniqueness! Your story shows that being different can lead to some truly memorable moments. Keep sharing your experiences!
Great video! 💯 A 4w5 on my religious experience: I was brought up in a more religious cult, it was extremely damaging. I could not as a child worship a blood sacrifice. It was unsettling im extremely sensitive. I did not resonate with denying myself (bc of my authenticity I can’t suppress and repress myself), I love my identity, (even the parts that need work) I don’t want another’s. My own father only accepted me under conditions, it would be difficult to follow a God that operates as my human father. However, the teachings of Jesus have always been important to me.
Thanks for sharing this.
Do meaningless things in a meaningful way - thank you, this perspective helps take some of the anxiety away.
I don't feel very different from other 4s personally. You mentioned 4s diving into those dark and heavy places, and being comfortable. 4s may have different diving equipment from each other: music, art, etc... But we're going to the same place. The feeling of being different comes from spending so much time in that place, but many people around you aren't interested in willingly visiting.
I can relate to this. I been told that I didn't have a personality in my xtrying them out" phase. Imagine hearing that as a 4w5. I really felt like I'm so different and they don't get it. I sometimes played the "I'm different" clip from Mr. Robot. I really feel her. I think the solution for me is that joke of "you are so different just like anybody else". It really helped me getting into philosophy especially from Allan Watts. Looking up the rules and going in the opposite direction is still a way of following the rules. I wish her peace and connection with herself. It's though.
My best friend is also a 4. And I love being with her cause we can spend the day to discuss about depth things. She's a social 4 so i was directly seeing her on the enneagram, and it make me such a long time to admit I'm a 4 too. Cause i'm so different than her that I was thinking i can't be a 4. But i finally face the truth and i'm a self preservation 4 not a 7 ^^.
When I look on the past, i related to other self preservation 4 but they never became my super friends cause we share lots of point of view and it is much more interesting to discuss with someone who shared an other vision than you.
Im a 4w5, but Im not doing things to be different, but because I feel the other ways *boring* (not gives as much pleasure as the *different* ) For me its not the purpose to be authentic.
Alright, as another 4 (w5), I'd like to add this personal experience to the conversation of "being different". There was (and sometimes still is) a very bad mindset towards proclaiming myself different: a feeling of deep shame for even thinking that I dare think myself as exceptional in any way. A voice in my head tells me that it's just childish attention seeking on my part, that I am as ordinary as they go, and all those "different" type of things I pick up I only do so BECAUSE I want to believe it, and not because I actually care about them. You are not that great, see? Says the voice and points to all my mistakes and underachievings (or what I perceive as such). How dare you think you are any better.
And this mindset caused and still causes me great pain. I cannot express how miserable and pathetic it made me feel. If I am not special, then why am I? As you said in your other video, I seek value in uniqueness, and if I don't provide any and can be replaced with absolutely ANYONE, then why be? Where others my see comfort in being like others, I see interchangeability. Meaning, there is no need in this world for ME specifically, and that I have no intrinsic value as a person.
I am battling that toxic mindset, of course. I realized that trying to strangle my strive for authenticity, my love for things that stand out, causes me more harm than good. And I am learning to do things that feel right to me. But that's a long road I gotta take one step at a time.
Hope this little piece of perspective helps to anyone who is reading.
I was just thinking, yeah, but I'm different. Then you said that. You got me!
Dear Dr LaHue, I have really enjoyed many of your videos but this one I'm struggling with your comments! I'm half way thru and can't not write a response. I don't think you fully understand when you joke (make fun of) the 4 by suggesting that the type of music we like or the clothes that we choose to wear still makes us the same as everyone else because they're still clothes or it's still music. Your letter-writer is telling you something and you're interpreting it as if what she is saying is just this 4's wanting to be different and finding every which way to do so. She is telling you she doesn't do that just for the sake of being different. No, 4's want to find themselves and their unique personality and then express it and for those of us that are 4's that expression is connected to our soul - it's special to us - so to make fun of it can be hurtful. I'm a 4 and I like music and movies that most people don't like not because I want to be different but because the music I like expresses deep and intense emotion and as you probably know, most other personality types shy away from that whereas I find it beautiful. When people come around I don't usually put those movies on or that music on because I know they will make a comment - I have to save those things for just me. I actually like it when I find someone who likes the same as me because finally I have something in common with someone! It's actually nice to be known and understood! Also, it's frustrating to hear you say "you just have to fit in with people, get up and go to work and get your pay cheque." Again, no! 4's were born to contribute something unique to the world. They were born to find their passion and put that together with their unique skills and contribute something different. Lots of other people may be content being a cog in the wheel but 4's were not designed to be. They desire to find their unique purpose and those who find it (like I have) are very fulfilled by it... but it also means they contribute something to the world that is wonderful and that the world would miss if they did not do that. I have a role as a therapist and I founded and manage a charity that has been going for 10 years - based on a cause I have personal experience with. I feel like I am contributing something that would be really missed if I did not. I'd love to see 4's find their purpose and live and work in it.
This resonated for me so much as a 4 w5 sp. thanks! Tom you keep asking whether 4s see other 4s as also being out of the matrix / different to them. My experience - I don’t link being out of the matrix as associated to a type, it’s whether a person is willing to go deep (with me? For themselves?) and grapple with their darkness. These are the people I would try to connect with.
i often feel that i come across as elitist and i am a little bit ashamed but i have to admit that i do feel elitist and cant do anything about that. i just cant help it but think that us, Fours, are awake and other people are not. it is hard not to wanna show it off. its almost like they are hurting me by not being awake and I have to suffer because of them, so let me at least say it, show it, express it, let it be known!!!!!!! please, does anyone understand? please comment if you do
its like they are supporting and building this non-true inauthentic society making it difficult for us Fours to live in, and they dont even let me complain about it,? or sit there quietly expressing my elitism ? they want me to just nod to their stupidness thats effecting me, hurting me and killing me? come on... we are a minority, we had to adjust to your world. let me at least be me, which is elitist. thank you. ( i am an angry sexual four) my comment sounds angry but i love your videos and your work
you know i often express myself like this and then the shame comes because I know i shouldnt. elitism is inacceptable but it is my truth. after a comment like this i expect rejection but im not going to delete it because it is my truth. let me at least live and breathe, although its inacceptable (i guess is what we , fours , are trying to say)
Wow, just wow, i could have written THAT letter my self (minus the god part), it's a carboncopy of my thoughts and feelings. The struggel is real, i want to get out of the Matrix, "but it is cold out side", i hate the Matrix, but i long for a blue-pill, ignorance is bliss...
/dark and lonly 4w5
Hi friend 👋🏾
@@cherishtheday2223 hi, how are you doing!
Your great thank you so much ... eeek ..I am not succeeding at being a 4 .. help.. havnt been able to grow into a 1.
Get a drill Sargent for a friend (1w2)!! Someone who forces you to do all the things you need to do, but don't because of all the mental turmoil that makes it hard to be disciplined as a 4.
This is exactly what I knew I needed for years (DISCIPLINE), but I haven't been able to get it until getting a 1w2 friend. We go to the gym now every weekday at 6am, among other things to lead the life that I idealize, yet can't find the motivation to do. Discipline builds over time, but us 4's might need external help to raise us to a well-integrated 4 that has built self discipline.
@@zachselin5257 I want to have a friend like that too but I am too disconnected to people in general and I doubt my friendship would last long enough to actually help me to get things done. Are you as a person capable of making long-term friends? I wonder if it's a 4 thing or just me that I can't have longterm close friends.
I do relate, but I care TOO much of what other thinks. Maybe that’s my problem. If I really want to live MY LIFE according to my authentic self, maybe the smartest thing for me is to let go of what I believe other people think of me. Yeah. I think I come to a realization just now 😂
I wonder how many 4’s stay singles for fear of settling down, having to conform in some way to another’s way of living, rules, and regulations, or fear of being misunderstood.
Or run away at the first sign of unauthentic behavior; maybe for fear of the past pains repeating again 🤔
I'm a 7w6 and I feel like I would die if I had to wear the same thing every day. Last week I realized I had been in the habit of wearing the same 5 shirts to work every week (because they somewhat matched my 5 masks) and I was like...uh....no this is not going to work. When you described a social 7w6 there was never any thought that I could be anything but that. I had always felt this constant struggle between doing the fun thing vs. doing the responsible thing. I think I was kind of forced to lean heavy on my 6 wing because my husband was gone Monday-Friday and when you have kids somebody needs to be responsible. When he was home for the weekend, he was only interested in being the kids' friend, so even then I had to be the responsible one. My kids both say he squelched the 7 part of me. I know 7 is my core type and that it didn't really go anywhere but he really did hinder the expression of my 7-ness
Incredibly accurate!
14:00 "Burst your bubble"
My 4 mind: ***How dare you -_-***
I can understand mistyping yourself. For almost a year I thought I was a 2w1, but it turns out I was an unhealthy 4w5. Oops! Mistyping happens sometimes I guess. lol
Around 22:00 I was a little bothered that you made it sound like we are saying we are "different," full stop. Think of it more as the conclusion we have come to through years of logical process. I don't feel better or extra or holier than thou. But I do feel that I have learned to not need anyone. Not their entertainment and not their caring about my problems or my life - because so many times I have tried to open up and been shut down or told that I am not good enough in various scenarios. I took even small shutdowns to heart and found solace in art, like a true 4 lol. I'm far past the point in my life where I'm running around saying how i listen to a band you've never heard of. That's like level 1 teenager type of discourse. Each of our type issues is a self fulfilling prophecy in a way and I'm not abdicating responsibility for my being an emotional and sensitive person. But you just read her say that she isn't being different for the sake of being different, and then you turned around and seemed to say just that. I also wish you would talk a little bit more about how the point of Enneagram is that it comes from the roots of our childhood issues. Unlike MBTI, we aren't born into our Enneagram types. We more or less suffer into them and then spend our adult lives trying to compensate. More than anything, I think that the type 4 is always looking for a way to be enough.
It's not about being different🤦♂️.
On a personal level.. It's about being authentic.
On a relationship level.. It's about intimacy. Intimacy is formed thru compatibility, being able to accept(not necessarily understand) the type 4
Feeling different is not a pity party on the part of a 4. As a 7 you say it is difficult to have sympathy but rest assured that is not what a 4 wants from you. Fours need to have the message conveyed that you are trying to understand. Let me tell you, it is no fun believing and feeling like I am different and that I do not quite fit in anywhere. As I have grown older some of that has been worked through but it has been a life long issue for most of us fours. Sympathy is unnecessary (no thank you) but attempting to understand me goes a long way in helping me feel normal.
I feel like a wolf that accidentally roamed on to the safari and can't find my way out to where I should be. So we learn to behave like the animals on safari but it never ever feels natural, you might find another wolf but you might never find your natural habitat.
Makes sense & totally fits!
Better is the enemy of good is just an argument against perfectionism, that's all.
I have always loved classical music, which didn't make me popular in rural southern Oklahoma. I just couldn't waste my time listening to music I found unworthy. There are pieces of music in every genre that I like, and I consider them "classical."
Lol I’m here listening at 4:51 and I’m like “will yeah of course I’m going to do what I do and like what I like regardless! Doesn’t everyone ??”haha!! I guess not.
I always thought everyone was just freaking boring and painfully basic. But now he’s got me thinking , what if they are all just suppressing their true likes and dislikes?? I’m screaming
It's more than "why am I here?" It's not being able to be normal because it doesn't come naturally. Lots of thoughts and emotions going on under the surface with moments of lack of impulse control. hehe I wonder how many fours have issues with BPD in that they swing between idealizing people but then distancing themselves from people who disappoint them or hurt their feelings. How do you fix the problem of always being the person who has to reach out to not be forgotten? If it were as simple as "everyone is different but the same" if the reaction from people was the same. I really feel that I am constantly being told non verbally that I am different. I hope to get my mind out of my difficult childhood mindset when I was surrounded by bullies and think clearly but I think there is more to it. I'm a work in progress. I agree with the writer. I left a cult and have seen how people can be in an election year. Lots of people don't seem to think for themselves. I respect people that want to keep it light because they help people to see the light when our lights have gone out. I'm not that but still..
That writer seems a lot like me in not being able to laugh. What a sad thought in my fifties that when I was younger, comedy was my life. But then I got into an abusive relationship where I was the punchline..It changes people. Never tell me I think too much. (Guys, it doesn't help. I know you mean well.) My greatest pain was since I left the cult, I had to leave my family behind. I can only dream of what we would be like together if I was still in. But you can't unlearn things or pretend to care about things you don't or don't care about what you do. That's living someone elses life. Its even worse that what I called the truth isn't really true. I can't lie to people that I have it and offer it when I know its a lie.
We're different because people shy away from our deep thinking.
Not even knowing one's own subtype is so wing 6.
I'm a 4w5 and a master of invisibility.
I felt this!!
sorry, cant stop commenting. i have so much to say. i long for explaining it all... imagine 9 people ended up on a desert island. 9 different types. they have to vote for how they are going to live there together. 8 ppl vote for blind, inauthentic living.1 person (4) votes for truthful, authentic living but ends up being a minority. cant do anything about it, has to finish his life living in this hell. has a few options to survive this hell. either compensate by expressing his pain and hoping to find someone who understands and agrees , expressing can be done by complaining, or by making elitist comments (because truth is truer than lie, we are truly higher, truly elite) , or by sometimes looking and doing things differently (which he would anyway, because he likes different things than the majority, but now he’s taking it to extreme in order to be more obvious) OR if you are a healthier Four, you not only finish your pointless life compensating til the end and thats it , BUT you also DO something practical to make this world wake up!!!! secretly put some hints of beauty and truth and paint into a piece of art, hoping that somebody someone will finally understand and wake the fuck up! maybe 1000 years from now, doesn’t matter. now that you’ve successfully expressed your (and everyone’s) truth, you suddenly dont feel so useless and you are actually healed. you did your purpose suddenly
Martina Nichtová
why is it hardest for Fours to heal? because to heal means to serve their purpose, which is the hardest purpose of all to achieve. it is to show the fucking TRUTH. which means to EXPRESS theirself authentically to themselves , because they have a GIFT to do so!!! but its so freaking difficult. it is the cruelest torture to TRY one’s best to express himself and still fail. not being able to get there in this lifetime. try and still fail. to do that perfect artwork that perfectly nails it, nails the truth of all truth, of all beauty, of all pain, to wake us all up. that would hurt the most. to fail. because only perfect is good. only one truth nails it all. and so I distract myself not to even try. and sabotage myself. and that hurts too, a lot, but less. and i complain. and i’m hurting. and im anxious. and im different. keep hinting. hinting my pain. and i do come across as elitist, of course. because i am. my purpose is not to repair computers or to sell ice-cream. my purpose hurts day and night . my purpose is to make the world understand.
to wake people up and make them cry with me. cry over the beauty, cry over the truth, the pain. like when us , fours , cry over a perfect artwork
instead of being understood we get locked in a mental institution. understanding the type Four is important for the good of all of us.
annoying how highest art serves only to entertain stupid shallow people who dont understand or to earn money. wake up. try to understand til you break in your knees and cry with us
and learn from us. we definitely dont act elitist to hurt you
22:49 Tbh when fours get together we mostly just talk about our trauma 😂 and indie things LOL it’s trueeeeeee tho!!!!
I'm a 4 but this is letter is too big of a pity-party.. ya gotta make some compromises to connect with other people
Please help me figure this out... I try to go along with other people but often I get bored or tired.. So I have to pull back to regain my energy thru my own interests (which are often different to other people) but I don't set out to be different, but I often have a different opinion on most things! ..(it feels like im "causing trouble" so I try reign it in) I thought this was a 4 thing. Now I'm not so sure. I don't want to be difficult or different, I just want to maintain my energy supply, which often seems to leak, around other people if I stay around them too long or feel I have to agree with them to keep the good feeling going .. I'm often happiest when it's just me and my dog..it feels so much simpler. We hardly talk. We just "be"... is this a 4 trait?
Dr T: Nobody can get an unencumbered unbiased perspective on the other types.
9: Hold my beer.
once i stop down that option road, where am I going to stop??
HELP I FEEL TARGETED AS A 7W6
Right
I would love to meet the lady who wrote that letter. Thank you!
The most healing place for a 4's self indulging darkness can be a serious physical work in a garden. What would seem a "khaki" activity, observing there life struggle rewards with the epic eureka how perfect is the balance of darkness and lightness. Appreciating also a touch of silliness (of course not stupidity and total dumbness) turns out to be essential for our physical health. 4s darkness turns me away from them. I rather be with who reciprocates my own lightness of being, even after shit hits the fan. An unhealthy chronic dark 4's energy is unbearable to me, an 8w7. I can handle a lot of life's darkness, but I don't have the chaps to pickle in it.
30:50 darker realities. Exactly.
Fours can learn from nines . I "eye" this person can appreciate wisdom tom . even if truity pays for it.
Cool observation! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.