Holy crap. As a 4w5, this makes me feel SO much more understood than the vast majority of personal conversations I have. "Why can't you just get over it? Quit self-pitying!" Especially when numerous efforts are in vain. Anyways, having this much insight from an "outsider" 7 is impressive :)
The best compliment I have ever received was: You are an exotic bird in a flock of sparrows. I never forget the man who said that to me, I felt and still feel so appreciated and understood. especially since he meant it (I could tell the others bored him) I am old now, the feathers might be a bit silver, but I still stick out amongst the sparrows. Great insights, Dr. Tom, if only all sevens were as sensitive to fours as you are . (I am a pretty balanced 4, when young, I was a 4 w 3, but later life forced me to move to the 5 wing.)
i love how you point out the effort you have put into the 4's and show us that we are unique and different, simply because you tell how you have tried harder, made longer videos, written more notes, feeding into exactly what a 4 wants to hear or needs to know :)
Hearing some really profound points here, including: 1) the mention of a possible early childhood loss of the Eden w/ parents due to a sibling being born, as well as a parental divorce some years later-both happened to me. 2) A focus on emotions to Avoid emotions (I don’t think I could have spelled this out myself but it just felt right when you said it and when you explained it was WOW)-basically, a focus on Lesser emotions gives a sense of depth, life, meaning, etc to a life where I have actually AVOIDED the deeper pain possible from full immersion into passionate love, giving birth to children, dedicating myself to excellence through career or art. I guess on some level I have avoided risking painful rejection and abandonment-romantically, family, career-because it was too painful early on. Funny thing, I believe I am somewhat unusual in my Enneagram group for sharing deeply and vulnerably, including crying at times. A phrase that comes to me about myself is that I “like to poke the bruise,” meaning that I enjoy the deeper intense stuff, which seems very 4-ish. But I’m realizing now that I do all this from a place of choice and control, in a setting where I feel safe and cared for. In life, I don’t extend myself too far emotionally and don’t really risk rejection. I don’t think I even have realized just how self-protective I’ve always been and how I truly have been “feeling to avoid feeling.” Thank you for this vid and your insights, Dr LaHue-very very useful. 🦋
I definitely feel with the idea of not wanting to risk rejection. Dr. LaHue has good points about fours choosing to be different. But there is a very deep desire to be to be accepted and be seen that can keep fours in a state of safety and sucking up to culture and friends in order to not expose their shame of being different. I can look like a type 9 peacekeeping chameleon.
One of the issues that could cause the sense of loss of connection for my fellow 4s is if you have experienced the emotional inconsistency that comes from being around people that fall somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum. I mean, if you experience invalidation, gaslighting, emotional double-binds and all the other negative emotional impacts that come from experiencing narcissistic abuse, it can lead to toxic shame which could be the root cause of that sense of loss of connection.
I'm a newly discovered type 4 and a lot of this reasonated. Making connections with people but also remaining my authenticity, I felt that. Also the part where you spoke about having a career when it means something, not just for money or prestige. Spot on. Also attracted to the extraordinary, yes, I can relate. I do this with friendships too, if someone is a bit different, i want to know more about them and they intrigue me. Thank you for the video.
You don’t know how much it means to us 4’s for you to try so hard to understand us. That is all we ask for from everyone! Then, if someone is able to go a step further and actually recognize our amazingness and potential will make you a friend of us for life
Hey Tom, Just a message of celebration of your grasp of the four. It certainly feels that your study of this type has deepened, and your compassion is so present naturally when you share. Thank you!
Also, you might be a 4 if: you watched this video and felt so understood and validated. Literally going to send this to all my friends who don't "get" me lmao
Thank you Tom. I have been an enneagram student for over 25 years. I have been binging on your vlogs where I am finding validations and clarification on aspects I could not figure out myself or in any other available materials. Finally I am extracting from all I have learned 3 most profound lesson from enneagram: 1. Our biggest individual obligation is to get to know ourselves first. Only then, we can be truly compassionate, free from feeling guilty, frustrated or hurt by others. 2. We have no right to expect others to understand us. 3. When we really understand ourselves and work toward becoming healthy, we don't need anyone to understand us. We just start gliding this beautiful life then. It is a long winding road uphill which seems to never end, but oh! so worth it. Thank again for such a prolific sharing the enneagram's wisdom. I especially appreciate your warm and playful pointing to our weaknesses. It is painful to hear it, but really helpful.
Thank you for making in-depth Type 4 videos. I feel a relief of diagnosis after understanding how this personality type works. I used to be so afraid that it was just pure depression but I knew that I wasn't exactly depressed clinically. That part about a loss of connection is so accurate. My mum passed away due to cancer since I was 9 and it still affects me badly when I'm down in the dumps. Learning how to appreciate the present is a continuous challenge for me. Now that I know how I can be a more positive and healthy 4, I'll do my best to acknowledge when I'm feeling low and become a stronger person. Thank you once again!
Diving deep into our emotions to hide from our emotions makes perfect sense, to a 4. That is exactly what I have a loooong history of doing, super easy to understand when you've done it.
I’m so grateful for this video because as a 4 I want to be unique and genuine which also has me feeling like that’s exactly what keeps me disconnected from those I seek to connect with.
Very good point about not wanting to go into the deep emotions because of a fear of seeing themselves not measuring up. The regular habitual emotions of melancholy etc may well be a comfort blanket rather than looking at themselves not measuring up. Although I do look at myself with disdain at times and being a hopeless case, but the truth is this is often done to elicit a response from someone to rescue me from my plight. Thanks for that point. Never heard it said like that before.
The way you talked about the value a 4 brings to clients/businesses is so spot on! I’ve been trying to deconstruct how I go about branding companies and this just hammered it home for me. I really appreciate these videos! Keep up the great work.
Thank you for really taking the time on learning about the 4 to convey them accurately. I’m coming to an understanding that I’m a 4, and not a 9 that I thought I might have been. Even though I have a lot of 9ness the 4 is cutting me to the quick! Your videos have been so helpful!
I've had the same confusion, thinking for a while that maybe I am actually a 9 instead of a 4 in middle age... it is definitely the runner up! But 4 describes me to the tee, especially as a younger woman.
@@LeahZ777 These videos are awesome. As a blue collar middle aged worker I have decided to try and write a story that has been stuck in my head since I read a simple article a year ago. After about 100,000 words (mostly deleted) I realised I don’t completely understand the main character’s fear and desire. That led me to enneagrams and this video. I not only realised that my main character is a 9, I also realised I am a 4 wing 5 despite associating myself with the 9. I also realised that in my failed marriage that the differences between the 9 and 4 are profound. My ex scored 98% as a 9 while I equaled that as a four despite having a higher score as a 9 than any other number. Us 4’s seem to carry self-awareness more than most. It can become heavy and straining. But these videos can teach us to become even more self aware to the point where we can move to a healthier side of ourselves in which we can bridge the gap between our own self-absorption and better understand, and consciously be selflessness, to the fears and desires of others
Newly discovered 4 here. I make private resolutions on my birthday every year of small habits I want to change and some bucket list type goals I'd like to atchieve before my next birthday. Last year one of my resolutions was that I was getting rid of black from my entire wardrobe. Outerwear, underwear, pajamas, workout, nothing. And the moment he brought up not wearing black I just lost it. I had what I now realize is a very 4 feeling of "I love my friends who pull black off every single day, but I don't feel like I look good in black." Thanks for the giggle, I have found my people. 😂
Thanks for the post...Back in Black- Funny, I wear black every day...because I don't want to have to think about it. I am a 7 and could easily be overwhelmed with too many options. Funny.
I love your channel. Thank you for all your work. Haven’t heard a 4 explained in such detail before! So many layers :) helping me understand myself and others so much more!
21:31 you made a very good point. I used to like people who I can talk about deep things with and intellectual conversations was what I thought I want in a partner. now I think I feel better with someone who makes me love the mundane and actually enjoy it. someone I can take to the basement occasionally but come back to reality soon after.
Thank you so much for your videos on the 4’s. I really needed this information! So for about a year or so I tested as a 7. I took this text because some of my relatives were taking it. However, I never really cared so much for the deep investigation because everything I would read about a 7 it would feel like, well ya that’s me but what if it? And I would just move on. Fast forward to a heartbreaking event that happened in my family and how we all were dealing with it surprised me. So I took the test again (now this time it was the 4th time I took it) I used the event that was unfolding to respond to the questions. I pride myself as striving to live an “authentic” life and living as a “truth seeker” so with this new unfolding experience it turned out that I scored a very high 4. I was shocked. It was the 4th time I was testing. However when I read the details I was given of what a four needs, fears etc. I knew I was a 4. From then on I started to recourse all material on 4’s. Yours have been so dead on for me. Now I get what the Enneagram can do! It feels like I am being set free. I am being seen. I have a clear path to walk in life. I know what I need to do to succeed. This is my life’s map. Thank you!
"What's wrong with pink?" Hahah so accurate. I felt that when I moved to NYC - I wore pink, white and yellow while everyone wore black and gray. Also, one thing that pains me as a 4, is that I have a super difficult time being in a space that needs "improvement." Whether it's a cluttered office or someone's home that is not decorated well....I get really anxious and have a hard time relaxing. I can only see what a space can be and I feel a deep sense of disappointment for what "could be" that "is not." Makes me crazy. Your videos are so great!!!
I think you're doing a great job of understand us 4s. I'm getting a lot of information that connects some missing information in my life. Love your channel.
Hey Tom, Thank you for all your 4 videos. This is the third one I'm watching ! :-) Can you please do one on Type 4 and love ? I would really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Looking forward to hearing from you. Regards, Sanjay
Another excellent video. I feel validated and hopeful. At the end you said there is a Happy 4... I was like, WOW, I wanna be the happy four!!!! I’m a “sad four.” I’m not too familiar with the subtypes sexual, self preservation, and I forget what the other one is called. Will you be doing a video on that as well? Also, if you are knowledgeable in MBTI, it would be amazing to integrate the two. I’m a female ISTP and I’m having much difficulty finding info that incorporates 4w5 and ISTP. I greatly appreciate the work you’ve done so far (I’ve listened to your type 4 videos several times) and I’m looking forward to listening to more of your content! THANK YOU!!!!!
Lol. It feels like the ideal job for me to get to create without having someone tell me how to do it. So if my job was to paint a picture, please don’t tell me to what goes where. I find it mundane to paint what everyone is.
The way you speak on this is so incredibly insightful and well understood, I really appreciate you taking the time to make these videos and the effort you put in. I just keep watching and learning, but not just taking in information because you have a great ability to make me consider things I hadn’t thought about before as well as reframing my previous impression of what being a four is it is “supposed” to be. Sometimes it feels like all a four can be is sad and selfish, but the way you unpack the motivation behind everything is helping me understand how a four is in reality and not just in concept. Your videos feel very honest and genuine, I just wanted to say thank you!!
The thing with having value as a baby is that it is based on the emotions of the parents, a baby itself is very useless, but the fact that the parents love the baby and the baby makes the parents smile makes the baby have value, so the value/worth depends on the emotions of the parents. I’m a 4w3 so maybe this is just a very typical thing to see trough my eyes And as far as intrinsic value in a baby goes... I don’t know if it’s there, kinda hard to ask the baby
And where's the issue if it's coming from the emotions of the parents? let's say for example you see someone who's very successful, their worth to you would also be caused by an emotion (admiration). So the baby example is pretty good imo. a baby has done nothing yet everyone loves them, coz of them.
I took myself out of the competition when I was 12y/o , I didn't want to become what I saw in the world being heartless and ugly , towards each other ...I dont seek to compete with anyone , rather I compete with myself .
Yeah I'm a 4 married to a 5. It is mundane. Not in a negative way. To stay balanced its good. But sometimes I need it to seem more exciting and my husband is always reserving and holding back. Yeah 4s and 7s can really be fire but so can 4s and 8s
I tested as a 9w1 but I was only two points from being a type 4 and a type 2, which these two tied for my second place personality type. I feel so much like a 9 and so much like a four and a two. Sometimes I feel like I’m a complete mixture. Is that possible, lol? You said so many great things in this video and were so very relatable to a type who feels misunderstood. Way to go you! That seems like it would be hard to do. My favorite thing you said was that our worth is in God. This is a central truth for me. I love your videos, they are so great. Do you have any books out? I would love to purchase one. Oh and one more thing, I’m married to a type 8 and we are total opposites. He is straight forward and confrontational and I am definitely not. I’m like, “oh my gosh, did he just say that? Yep, he did” Our values are totally different, but I’ve learned a lot from my husband, like boldness and how to handle confrontation. Whereas, my husband has learned a few things from me, like patience and compassion. And yes, I have to be passionate about something and it’s not just about making money, this is so me. The only thing that doesn’t fit me, is having to stand out. I don’t really feel a need to be different or dress differently. But I am very introverted in my feelings. However, I’m very competitive and before I came down with a chronic illness, I went through nursing school and pushed myself to make the best grades in the class that year and stressed myself out to insanity. As a nurse I was very compassionate, yet highly sensitive to losing patients to illness and watching them suffer. I worked extremely hard and never found time to play. I am moody and temperamental and get easily offended, and this is something I don’t like about my personality and I try to work on it often. I Overthink and I’m self conscious and sometimes it sucks but I’ve grown a lot as I’ve gotten older. So again thank you for this video! Your videos are awesome!
I'm married to an 8 also... so intense in different ways! But like you, I've learned so much from him and vice versa. It's taken a lot of time and magic alchemy to be content with that. Lol.
I think fours can avoid a more serious assessment of their emotions by constantly viewing and expressing them through an overly dramatized and theatrical filter. That was they're sort of keeping their feeling in the framework of an aesthetic in order to avoid truly integrating them and working with and through them. I think that's what you mean by using their emotions to avoid their emotions.
omg when I was 3 my sister was born. and apparently I stopped eating for a year it took my dad and mom really long to convince me that they love me and we always moved inappropiate times and I had really hard time with adapting to new class mates :/
Intellectually , I understand those in my life since I can remember may not have been aware of what they were doing but played a major part in my developing self-destructive tendencies throughout most my life. Not throwing a pitty party or blaming anyone , nevertheless I allowed others to put me in pits that have taken most of my life to crawl out of , and still suffer with ; I'm 63 y/o ...it goes pack to when I was approxly 4 or 5 , from parents , family members and authority figures i.e., 1st , 3rd & 6th grade teachers. Won't get into the details , too long to disclose ...Never felt validated , accepted , understood ; having been given a sense of not good enough and rejection .
Hi from a 4 listening to you describing a 4 which I can agree with “almost” totally. In an earlier video you describe us as not wanting to follow the rules. Not sure this is spot on for some 4s. Think about this. We don’t want the emotions poured out on us when we are accused of not following rules and mandates. So what do we do? We comply in order not to bring shame and criticism on us. As a side note, wanting serious and meaningful conversations are our life blood and being with people who not only are surface conversationalists but goofy and silly as their main way of having a conversation is excruciating and 4s will try to avoid encounters with these individuals whenever possible. Also time is important and getting things done for a 4 is important and long diatribes of silly conversation causes a 4 to actually get angry because we see it as not respecting a 4s time. Any thoughts on this?
Agreed with the part about goofiness in conversations. I love a good joke once in a while (my preference is to make a solid joke less than frequently to maintain a persons interest but I dilute back to the point being made very quickly, and I like people who can do the same and not drag it out), but I find myself to get frustrated very quickly if we are talking in a group and people keep making jokes, even if they are listening closely to what I'm saying (this has happened multiple times the past couple weeks). Or if they do the same to someone else I will be the first to shut it down and say "let her speak!". Almost like we want to be efficient with our emotional and philosophical energy and resources cause they burn quickly haha. Interesting point
Hi ! I am French so I will try to do my best to express myself. Thanks to Google Translate for the help! To begin, THANK YOU very much. Your sharing is truly exceptional. No doubt because they come from the heart without a shadow of a doubt. (Yes, Type 4 for me). You share a great and very helpful work. Even being French, I easily understand what you share. To come back to what you said at the beginning of the video, even if it comes from your own point of view, it is sufficiently clear to adjust to what is true for us and in relation to our own experience. The fact that what you share is also understandable by the French, says a lot about your ability to redistribute the information you acquire. Einstein said, (something like that),if you are able to explain it to a 10 year old child, you are able to explain it to everyone, and that will show that you have perfectly understood what you are teaching. May your shares reach the greatest number, because they are a precious help. Your intention seems very clear. thanks again Pascal
omg. eureka moment. I've always hated the feeling of nostalgia. I hate it so much. your explanation of feeling things to avoid feeling a loss of connection just clicked.
i laughed lmao ;) the fact that you worked hard than the other types to me and to other fours is so uniqe and special 🥰😇🌸 but i smiled in a soundly way thank you:) and i have to say 7's are soooo relax and fresh but u are deeper than my 7 friends they all just thinking how they travel and enjoy with stufss but u showed us that 7s can be focuse the details of mind and heart and spirit and body etc i love the way u speak because even u so relax and it makes me relax :)
Thank you for your amazing video and effort!! I was so encouraged when you shared your biblical Christian beliefs at the end! Currently on a healing journey and reading as a 4 due to childhood family of origin dysfunction. Also that you said leadership is possible for 4s. Is it possible your number can change depending on healing?
I used to think I was a 3w4, but now I'm thinking I'm a 4w3. All I can think to myself is "I hate being so 'unique,' but I just can't help it if that's who I am!" 😂
Excellent video, Dr. Tom! Thank you for validating us. To add on to the point of having intrinsic value just for being made in the image of God. If we realise that Jesus lived, died and overcome death for me personally whilst I was lost in my sin says something for our intrinsic value. Why would God provide us with the value of redemption through the free gift of Grace through Faith if we didn't hold an immense Love in His heart? We must meditate on this and really strive to be thankful for such great mercy. It is not mental gymnastics to almost fool ourselves into believing that we are loved and that we are connected just as the rest of the world but rather a very rational deduction of the facts. The pessimistic or dark lenses which we so eagerly put on is imposing suffering which is self inflicted and not virtuous at all, it's almost a slap in the face of our Creator. Obviously, putting this into action is where the difficulty lies, but it is possible and we should not withhold our beautiful and healing gifts from a world that desperately needs it.
I appreciate your kind words! Your perspective on intrinsic value and grace is both uplifting and encouraging. Thank you for being part of this conversation!
Amazing work , thank so much , you really have a unique way of explaining things , can't wait to hear about the subtypes , I have trouble knowing which one do I belong to more.
Lol I laugh so much in this, you're not a 4 but you know my struggle. I so badly want to work hard at something that's meaningful to me. I have this so much as a focus, alot of dreaming, alot of planning, and I'm still... Dunno Hahahaha I'm a Christian too and I finally found my identity and meaning in Christ so that was so much to me. Knowing who Christ says I am. All I have to offer the world is what God shows me of what's meaningful to me. But then I want to understand everyone else too so that's what's lead me to the enneagram and then also your videos :) thanks for all your effort to understand us. Seeing the great qualities but then also not misunderstanding our struggle. Really feels good to know you're understood. :) I have a question.. What do you think hypothetically is the best partner for a 4? A 2 maybe?? Thanks for your videos!!
Listening to you is wonderful and really helps me understand me..I think my sister is a 2..You know the Mary Poppins/Mother Teresa combination..One brother may be a 5 but not sure..The other brother who is only one year to the day older than me is a 3 I think...Growing up I was never “as good as” the two, was very smart but had the three beating me to everything..As a result, I just went my own way..I mean it would drive me loco to be sweet and fake?? ALL THE TIME and the three is perfect in my mother’s eyes soooo I’ll just do my own thing..lol
What if you had a very traumatic childhood with actual abandonment? Does that create a type 4 personality? What is the effect of abuse on a young 4. Im just curious. Because it seems so much of our pain is self induced. But what if there was actual loss during one's formative years? Sorry for ramblin...
Man, you really understand us 4’s! It’s even better coming from a 7 because you keep it interesting and energetic. Great work!
Thanks.
Amen!!!! I am tuning in frequently ❤️ A voice to my life … feeling so understood & validated 😊
Holy crap. As a 4w5, this makes me feel SO much more understood than the vast majority of personal conversations I have. "Why can't you just get over it? Quit self-pitying!" Especially when numerous efforts are in vain. Anyways, having this much insight from an "outsider" 7 is impressive :)
Totally relate to what you are writing here Patrick!!
The best compliment I have ever received was: You are an exotic bird in a flock of sparrows. I never forget the man who said that to me, I felt and still feel so appreciated and understood. especially since he meant it (I could tell the others bored him) I am old now, the feathers might be a bit silver, but I still stick out amongst the sparrows. Great insights, Dr. Tom, if only all sevens were as sensitive to fours as you are . (I am a pretty balanced 4, when young, I was a 4 w 3, but later life forced me to move to the 5 wing.)
You're the reason I believe in the efficacy of the enneagram. It didn't click for me until your vids. Thanks again
i love how you point out the effort you have put into the 4's and show us that we are unique and different, simply because you tell how you have tried harder, made longer videos, written more notes, feeding into exactly what a 4 wants to hear or needs to know :)
I thought no one understands me and im unique !!!
Kinda relieved there are people like me 😁😁😄
I’m impressed, I’ve spent the last five years trying to pin down why I acted like I did, and here you are explaining it in 30 mins
Hearing some really profound points here, including: 1) the mention of a possible early childhood loss of the Eden w/ parents due to a sibling being born, as well as a parental divorce some years later-both happened to me. 2) A focus on emotions to Avoid emotions (I don’t think I could have spelled this out myself but it just felt right when you said it and when you explained it was WOW)-basically, a focus on Lesser emotions gives a sense of depth, life, meaning, etc to a life where I have actually AVOIDED the deeper pain possible from full immersion into passionate love, giving birth to children, dedicating myself to excellence through career or art. I guess on some level I have avoided risking painful rejection and abandonment-romantically, family, career-because it was too painful early on. Funny thing, I believe I am somewhat unusual in my Enneagram group for sharing deeply and vulnerably, including crying at times. A phrase that comes to me about myself is that I “like to poke the bruise,” meaning that I enjoy the deeper intense stuff, which seems very 4-ish. But I’m realizing now that I do all this from a place of choice and control, in a setting where I feel safe and cared for. In life, I don’t extend myself too far emotionally and don’t really risk rejection. I don’t think I even have realized just how self-protective I’ve always been and how I truly have been “feeling to avoid feeling.” Thank you for this vid and your insights, Dr LaHue-very very useful. 🦋
So glad to be of help.
I definitely feel with the idea of not wanting to risk rejection. Dr. LaHue has good points about fours choosing to be different. But there is a very deep desire to be to be accepted and be seen that can keep fours in a state of safety and sucking up to culture and friends in order to not expose their shame of being different. I can look like a type 9 peacekeeping chameleon.
One of the issues that could cause the sense of loss of connection for my fellow 4s is if you have experienced the emotional inconsistency that comes from being around people that fall somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum. I mean, if you experience invalidation, gaslighting, emotional double-binds and all the other negative emotional impacts that come from experiencing narcissistic abuse, it can lead to toxic shame which could be the root cause of that sense of loss of connection.
🎯
Fours seem to have a push-pull between introversion and extroversion.
Yes I've never been able to comit to identifying exclusively one way or another
Definitely, as an INFP it's obviously intro, but like 51%.
Exactly
I'm a newly discovered type 4 and a lot of this reasonated. Making connections with people but also remaining my authenticity, I felt that. Also the part where you spoke about having a career when it means something, not just for money or prestige. Spot on. Also attracted to the extraordinary, yes, I can relate. I do this with friendships too, if someone is a bit different, i want to know more about them and they intrigue me. Thank you for the video.
You don’t know how much it means to us 4’s for you to try so hard to understand us. That is all we ask for from everyone! Then, if someone is able to go a step further and actually recognize our amazingness and potential will make you a friend of us for life
Hey Tom,
Just a message of celebration of your grasp of the four. It certainly feels that your study of this type has deepened, and your compassion is so present naturally when you share. Thank you!
Thanks
As a four, I completely appreciate your breakdown and insight!
Also, you might be a 4 if: you watched this video and felt so understood and validated. Literally going to send this to all my friends who don't "get" me lmao
Thank you Tom. I have been an enneagram student for over 25 years. I have been binging on your vlogs where I am finding validations and clarification on aspects I could not figure out myself or in any other available materials. Finally I am extracting from all I have learned 3 most profound lesson from enneagram: 1. Our biggest individual obligation is to get to know ourselves first. Only then, we can be truly compassionate, free from feeling guilty, frustrated or hurt by others. 2. We have no right to expect others to understand us. 3. When we really understand ourselves and work toward becoming healthy, we don't need anyone to understand us. We just start gliding this beautiful life then. It is a long winding road uphill which seems to never end, but oh! so worth it. Thank again for such a prolific sharing the enneagram's wisdom. I especially appreciate your warm and playful pointing to our weaknesses. It is painful to hear it, but really helpful.
Thank you for making in-depth Type 4 videos. I feel a relief of diagnosis after understanding how this personality type works. I used to be so afraid that it was just pure depression but I knew that I wasn't exactly depressed clinically. That part about a loss of connection is so accurate. My mum passed away due to cancer since I was 9 and it still affects me badly when I'm down in the dumps. Learning how to appreciate the present is a continuous challenge for me. Now that I know how I can be a more positive and healthy 4, I'll do my best to acknowledge when I'm feeling low and become a stronger person. Thank you once again!
I am so happy to help. Blessings. Sorry about your mum. You can be healthy!
Your type 4 videos are just awesome ! I feel so much understood. As a 4 , I love being around 7s.. and they often end up becoming my close friends.😁
Love that!
The enneagram is the most fascinating thing I've come across this year. Thanks for these videos
Awwww, thank you! I think the fact that you actually took time and effort shows that u understand what is key with us 4's
Thx for your effort in understanding Fours.
You are most welcome
Diving deep into our emotions to hide from our emotions makes perfect sense, to a 4. That is exactly what I have a loooong history of doing, super easy to understand when you've done it.
I’m so grateful for this video because as a 4 I want to be unique and genuine which also has me feeling like that’s exactly what keeps me disconnected from those I seek to connect with.
Very good point about not wanting to go into the deep emotions because of a fear of seeing themselves not measuring up. The regular habitual emotions of melancholy etc may well be a comfort blanket rather than looking at themselves not measuring up. Although I do look at myself with disdain at times and being a hopeless case, but the truth is this is often done to elicit a response from someone to rescue me from my plight. Thanks for that point. Never heard it said like that before.
Thanks for the comment. Blessings.
The way you talked about the value a 4 brings to clients/businesses is so spot on! I’ve been trying to deconstruct how I go about branding companies and this just hammered it home for me. I really appreciate these videos! Keep up the great work.
Thank you for really taking the time on learning about the 4 to convey them accurately. I’m coming to an understanding that I’m a 4, and not a 9 that I thought I might have been. Even though I have a lot of 9ness the 4 is cutting me to the quick! Your videos have been so helpful!
It is awesome when you identify yourself correctly. Sometimes it takes time to figure it out. Blessings.
Sheila w Hello Sheila.
I've had the same confusion, thinking for a while that maybe I am actually a 9 instead of a 4 in middle age... it is definitely the runner up! But 4 describes me to the tee, especially as a younger woman.
@@LeahZ777 These videos are awesome.
As a blue collar middle aged worker I have decided to try and write a story that has been stuck in my head since I read a simple article a year ago. After about 100,000 words (mostly deleted) I realised I don’t completely understand the main character’s fear and desire. That led me to enneagrams and this video.
I not only realised that my main character is a 9, I also realised I am a 4 wing 5 despite associating myself with the 9.
I also realised that in my failed marriage that the differences between the 9 and 4 are profound. My ex scored 98% as a 9 while I equaled that as a four despite having a higher score as a 9 than any other number.
Us 4’s seem to carry self-awareness more than most. It can become heavy and straining. But these videos can teach us to become even more self aware to the point where we can move to a healthier side of ourselves in which we can bridge the gap between our own self-absorption and better understand, and consciously be selflessness, to the fears and desires of others
4s create a lot of drama. 4s create drama to stir up emotions and keep things interesting. 9s seem to be the opposite. They chase harmony.
Another amazing video. Thank you so much for working so hard for us 4’s on this video!!
You are seriously so amazing! These videos have been extremely helpful for me, especially during this time.
Drama is literally defined by passion, excitement, and surprise :D
You're an absolute gem Dr. Tom. The effort you put into this is highly appreciated. It's so uplifting to a world weary, 4w5 sp my friend.
You’re wonderful. Thank you so much for the care and concern and just plain hard work you have put into your presentations.
4s end up with 9s, so great...I learned a lot today thanks again.
I'm not getting along with my brother. He's a 9
Conflict avoider. I gravitate towards 7s and 8s
You're totally right about using the melancholy etc. to avoid the really terrifying emotions.
Newly discovered 4 here. I make private resolutions on my birthday every year of small habits I want to change and some bucket list type goals I'd like to atchieve before my next birthday. Last year one of my resolutions was that I was getting rid of black from my entire wardrobe. Outerwear, underwear, pajamas, workout, nothing. And the moment he brought up not wearing black I just lost it. I had what I now realize is a very 4 feeling of "I love my friends who pull black off every single day, but I don't feel like I look good in black." Thanks for the giggle, I have found my people. 😂
Thanks for the post...Back in Black- Funny, I wear black every day...because I don't want to have to think about it. I am a 7 and could easily be overwhelmed with too many options. Funny.
I love your channel. Thank you for all your work. Haven’t heard a 4 explained in such detail before! So many layers :) helping me understand myself and others so much more!
Happy to help!
21:31 you made a very good point. I used to like people who I can talk about deep things with and intellectual conversations was what I thought I want in a partner. now I think I feel better with someone who makes me love the mundane and actually enjoy it. someone I can take to the basement occasionally but come back to reality soon after.
i am a 4 and my boyfriend is a 9. and as you said it, he's the perfect frame for me: i can feel unique and loved.🥰
Thank you Dr. Tom Lahue! As an Enneagram 4 I appreciate your research and videos so much! 😊 My husband is an Enneagram 5! ♡
Thanks for the encouragement. Cool, a 4 and 5 couple. Blessings.
We took the test and I’m a 4 and my husband is a 5, too.
Thank you so much for your videos on the 4’s. I really needed this information! So for about a year or so I tested as a 7. I took this text because some of my relatives were taking it. However, I never really cared so much for the deep investigation because everything I would read about a 7 it would feel like, well ya that’s me but what if it? And I would just move on. Fast forward to a heartbreaking event that happened in my family and how we all were dealing with it surprised me. So I took the test again (now this time it was the 4th time I took it) I used the event that was unfolding to respond to the questions. I pride myself as striving to live an “authentic” life and living as a “truth seeker” so with this new unfolding experience it turned out that I scored a very high 4. I was shocked. It was the 4th time I was testing. However when I read the details I was given of what a four needs, fears etc. I knew I was a 4. From then on I started to recourse all material on 4’s. Yours have been so dead on for me. Now I get what the Enneagram can do! It feels like I am being set free. I am being seen. I have a clear path to walk in life. I know what I need to do to succeed.
This is my life’s map. Thank you!
Wow, I am so excited for you. The Enneagram comes alive when you identify your type correctly. It can be brutal, but nothing compares. Blessings.
"What's wrong with pink?" Hahah so accurate. I felt that when I moved to NYC - I wore pink, white and yellow while everyone wore black and gray.
Also, one thing that pains me as a 4, is that I have a super difficult time being in a space that needs "improvement." Whether it's a cluttered office or someone's home that is not decorated well....I get really anxious and have a hard time relaxing. I can only see what a space can be and I feel a deep sense of disappointment for what "could be" that "is not." Makes me crazy.
Your videos are so great!!!
Legend!
I think you're doing a great job of understand us 4s. I'm getting a lot of information that connects some missing information in my life. Love your channel.
just the fact that you try to understand us is enough for you to be my best enneagram youtuber😂😂
Best 4 video!!!! And it was the one I was most afraid to watch 😂
Awesome. Glad to help.
Hey Tom,
Thank you for all your 4 videos. This is the third one I'm watching ! :-) Can you please do one on Type 4 and love ? I would really appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Sanjay
It is a possibility.
Just want to say.... There is beauty in the mundane. -a SP four
Another excellent video. I feel validated and hopeful. At the end you said there is a Happy 4... I was like, WOW, I wanna be the happy four!!!! I’m a “sad four.”
I’m not too familiar with the subtypes sexual, self preservation, and I forget what the other one is called. Will you be doing a video on that as well?
Also, if you are knowledgeable in MBTI, it would be amazing to integrate the two. I’m a female ISTP and I’m having much difficulty finding info that incorporates 4w5 and ISTP.
I greatly appreciate the work you’ve done so far (I’ve listened to your type 4 videos several times) and I’m looking forward to listening to more of your content! THANK YOU!!!!!
Blessings. :-)
We love you and appreciate u taking the time to really understand us. And it means a lot to us that u care, your videos on 4s are really enjoyable! 🥰🥰
I appreciate that
Yeah! My frame is E9. Perfect balance!!! 💕😍14 years together
for me too😉
Based on how you describe 4s as a leader. It sounds like they would do great in brand strategy, marketing, PR (if you swing to the 3), sales, etc.
Lol. It feels like the ideal job for me to get to create without having someone tell me how to do it. So if my job was to paint a picture, please don’t tell me to what goes where. I find it mundane to paint what everyone is.
The way you speak on this is so incredibly insightful and well understood, I really appreciate you taking the time to make these videos and the effort you put in. I just keep watching and learning, but not just taking in information because you have a great ability to make me consider things I hadn’t thought about before as well as reframing my previous impression of what being a four is it is “supposed” to be. Sometimes it feels like all a four can be is sad and selfish, but the way you unpack the motivation behind everything is helping me understand how a four is in reality and not just in concept. Your videos feel very honest and genuine, I just wanted to say thank you!!
We are on this journey together. Thanks for your kind words.
Thank you for your great kindness in teaching this.
Interesting, bc 7's and 4's are the most compatible, although 9's go with everyone!
The thing with having value as a baby is that it is based on the emotions of the parents, a baby itself is very useless, but the fact that the parents love the baby and the baby makes the parents smile makes the baby have value, so the value/worth depends on the emotions of the parents.
I’m a 4w3 so maybe this is just a very typical thing to see trough my eyes
And as far as intrinsic value in a baby goes... I don’t know if it’s there, kinda hard to ask the baby
And where's the issue if it's coming from the emotions of the parents?
let's say for example you see someone who's very successful, their worth to you would also be caused by an emotion (admiration).
So the baby example is pretty good imo. a baby has done nothing yet everyone loves them, coz of them.
I took myself out of the competition when I was 12y/o , I didn't want to become what I saw in the world being heartless and ugly , towards each other ...I dont seek to compete with anyone , rather I compete with myself .
Yeah I'm a 4 married to a 5. It is mundane. Not in a negative way. To stay balanced its good. But sometimes I need it to seem more exciting and my husband is always reserving and holding back.
Yeah 4s and 7s can really be fire but so can 4s and 8s
Thank you so much for making an effort to understand us 😊🙏🏽❤️
I tested as a 9w1 but I was only two points from being a type 4 and a type 2, which these two tied for my second place personality type. I feel so much like a 9 and so much like a four and a two. Sometimes I feel like I’m a complete mixture. Is that possible, lol? You said so many great things in this video and were so very relatable to a type who feels misunderstood. Way to go you! That seems like it would be hard to do. My favorite thing you said was that our worth is in God. This is a central truth for me. I love your videos, they are so great. Do you have any books out? I would love to purchase one. Oh and one more thing, I’m married to a type 8 and we are total opposites. He is straight forward and confrontational and I am definitely not. I’m like, “oh my gosh, did he just say that? Yep, he did” Our values are totally different, but I’ve learned a lot from my husband, like boldness and how to handle confrontation. Whereas, my husband has learned a few things from me, like patience and compassion. And yes, I have to be passionate about something and it’s not just about making money, this is so me. The only thing that doesn’t fit me, is having to stand out. I don’t really feel a need to be different or dress differently. But I am very introverted in my feelings. However, I’m very competitive and before I came down with a chronic illness, I went through nursing school and pushed myself to make the best grades in the class that year and stressed myself out to insanity. As a nurse I was very compassionate, yet highly sensitive to losing patients to illness and watching them suffer. I worked extremely hard and never found time to play. I am moody and temperamental and get easily offended, and this is something I don’t like about my personality and I try to work on it often. I Overthink and I’m self conscious and sometimes it sucks but I’ve grown a lot as I’ve gotten older. So again thank you for this video! Your videos are awesome!
I'm married to an 8 also... so intense in different ways! But like you, I've learned so much from him and vice versa. It's taken a lot of time and magic alchemy to be content with that. Lol.
Thank you. Helped me reaffirm the qualities that I am aware of and understand another 4 who I am in close connection with way better. Excellent.
Spot on. My dad was in prison at birth until my 30's...abandoned. Boom. And I have valued as one of my core desired feelings.
I think fours can avoid a more serious assessment of their emotions by constantly viewing and expressing them through an overly dramatized and theatrical filter. That was they're sort of keeping their feeling in the framework of an aesthetic in order to avoid truly integrating them and working with and through them.
I think that's what you mean by using their emotions to avoid their emotions.
omg
when I was 3 my sister was born. and apparently I stopped eating for a year it took my dad and mom really long to convince me that they love me and we always moved inappropiate times and I had really hard time with adapting to new class mates :/
Intellectually , I understand those in my life since I can remember may not have been aware of what they were doing but played a major part in my developing self-destructive tendencies throughout most my life. Not throwing a pitty party or blaming anyone , nevertheless I allowed others to put me in pits that have taken most of my life to crawl out of , and still suffer with ; I'm 63 y/o ...it goes pack to when I was approxly 4 or 5 , from parents , family members and authority figures i.e., 1st , 3rd & 6th grade teachers. Won't get into the details , too long to disclose ...Never felt validated , accepted , understood ; having been given a sense of not good enough and rejection .
Hi from a 4 listening to you describing a 4 which I can agree with “almost” totally. In an earlier video you describe us as not wanting to follow the rules. Not sure this is spot on for some 4s. Think about this. We don’t want the emotions poured out on us when we are accused of not following rules and mandates. So what do we do? We comply in order not to bring shame and criticism on us. As a side note, wanting serious and meaningful conversations are our life blood and being with people who not only are surface conversationalists but goofy and silly as their main way of having a conversation is excruciating and 4s will try to avoid encounters with these individuals whenever possible. Also time is important and getting things done for a 4 is important and long diatribes of silly conversation causes a 4 to actually get angry because we see it as not respecting a 4s time. Any thoughts on this?
Agreed with the part about goofiness in conversations. I love a good joke once in a while (my preference is to make a solid joke less than frequently to maintain a persons interest but I dilute back to the point being made very quickly, and I like people who can do the same and not drag it out), but I find myself to get frustrated very quickly if we are talking in a group and people keep making jokes, even if they are listening closely to what I'm saying (this has happened multiple times the past couple weeks). Or if they do the same to someone else I will be the first to shut it down and say "let her speak!". Almost like we want to be efficient with our emotional and philosophical energy and resources cause they burn quickly haha. Interesting point
Hi ! I am French so I will try to do my best to express myself. Thanks to Google Translate for the help!
To begin, THANK YOU very much. Your sharing is truly exceptional. No doubt because they come from the heart without a shadow of a doubt. (Yes, Type 4 for me). You share a great and very helpful work. Even being French, I easily understand what you share. To come back to what you said at the beginning of the video, even if it comes from your own point of view, it is sufficiently clear to adjust to what is true for us and in relation to our own experience. The fact that what you share is also understandable by the French, says a lot about your ability to redistribute the information you acquire. Einstein said, (something like that),if you are able to explain it to a 10 year old child, you are able to explain it to everyone, and that will show that you have perfectly understood what you are teaching. May your shares reach the greatest number, because they are a precious help. Your intention seems very clear. thanks again
Pascal
Thanks
4 here. This is great stuff. Thank you so much.
omg. eureka moment. I've always hated the feeling of nostalgia. I hate it so much. your explanation of feeling things to avoid feeling a loss of connection just clicked.
i’m a 4w5 and I LOVE YOU
Oooh you're very on point about using some emotions to avoid others
Thanks.
I like and agree so much with what are saying about worth and value given by GOD!
i laughed lmao ;) the fact that you worked hard than the other types to me and to other fours is so uniqe and special 🥰😇🌸 but i smiled in a soundly way thank you:)
and i have to say 7's are soooo relax and fresh but u are deeper than my 7 friends they all just thinking how they travel and enjoy with stufss but u showed us that 7s can be focuse the details of mind and heart and spirit and body etc i love the way u speak because even u so relax and it makes me relax :)
Thank you for your amazing video and effort!! I was so encouraged when you shared your biblical Christian beliefs at the end! Currently on a healing journey and reading as a 4 due to childhood family of origin dysfunction. Also that you said leadership is possible for 4s. Is it possible your number can change depending on healing?
I used to think I was a 3w4, but now I'm thinking I'm a 4w3. All I can think to myself is "I hate being so 'unique,' but I just can't help it if that's who I am!" 😂
Saw your notes, thanks for the effort
Thank you , Brother for your insight ..
God Bless 🙏🤟
Excellent video, Dr. Tom! Thank you for validating us.
To add on to the point of having intrinsic value just for being made in the image of God. If we realise that Jesus lived, died and overcome death for me personally whilst I was lost in my sin says something for our intrinsic value. Why would God provide us with the value of redemption through the free gift of Grace through Faith if we didn't hold an immense Love in His heart?
We must meditate on this and really strive to be thankful for such great mercy. It is not mental gymnastics to almost fool ourselves into believing that we are loved and that we are connected just as the rest of the world but rather a very rational deduction of the facts. The pessimistic or dark lenses which we so eagerly put on is imposing suffering which is self inflicted and not virtuous at all, it's almost a slap in the face of our Creator.
Obviously, putting this into action is where the difficulty lies, but it is possible and we should not withhold our beautiful and healing gifts from a world that desperately needs it.
I appreciate your kind words! Your perspective on intrinsic value and grace is both uplifting and encouraging. Thank you for being part of this conversation!
What is the book you are referencing in the video? I'd like to read it. Thank you.
Amazing work , thank so much , you really have a unique way of explaining things , can't wait to hear about the subtypes , I have trouble knowing which one do I belong to more.
Awesome, thank you!
My husband is a true 4 and I am a true 8. Need I say more what our relationship looks like?😬 We’ve been married for eight years.
The 2 most honest & authentic types ❤
Thank you for making these.
Lol I laugh so much in this, you're not a 4 but you know my struggle. I so badly want to work hard at something that's meaningful to me. I have this so much as a focus, alot of dreaming, alot of planning, and I'm still... Dunno Hahahaha I'm a Christian too and I finally found my identity and meaning in Christ so that was so much to me. Knowing who Christ says I am. All I have to offer the world is what God shows me of what's meaningful to me. But then I want to understand everyone else too so that's what's lead me to the enneagram and then also your videos :) thanks for all your effort to understand us. Seeing the great qualities but then also not misunderstanding our struggle. Really feels good to know you're understood. :) I have a question.. What do you think hypothetically is the best partner for a 4? A 2 maybe?? Thanks for your videos!!
I commented this before listening to the rest. Haha you said 4s can tend to be with 9s :)
type 5 and 9 are known to be compatible with us fours . I prefer nines.
So I’m Divergent! I knew it!
I watched the video and got lost ..what's the answer? we can be leaders or not?
Listening to you is wonderful and really helps me understand me..I think my sister is a 2..You know the Mary Poppins/Mother Teresa combination..One brother may be a 5 but not sure..The other brother who is only one year to the day older than me is a 3 I think...Growing up I was never “as good as” the two, was very smart but had the three beating me to everything..As a result, I just went my own way..I mean it would drive me loco to be sweet and fake?? ALL THE TIME and the three is perfect in my mother’s eyes soooo I’ll just do my own thing..lol
Thank you for the video and info!
I want that book you have in your hands dude on the 9 personality types we work with. From A 4&3w
Love your videos!!!
took down notes. really helpful. thank you! :)
Great job!! So difficult people type 4, I have no good experiences with them. Self centered and narcissitic. Its difficult to find healthy type 4.
Lolololol funny guy
I really appreciate your job. Love💋
Very nice and helpful video :)!!!
That's Right!!
This is so helpful!
Hey, look., you do a fantastic job. As a four I can attest to it. 😊
I've also been 'diagnosed' as Type 4wing5. I'm a Fine Artist. So that's what's wrong with me? 😉
Your great my friend,,,thank you
What if you had a very traumatic childhood with actual abandonment? Does that create a type 4 personality? What is the effect of abuse on a young 4. Im just curious. Because it seems so much of our pain is self induced. But what if there was actual loss during one's formative years?
Sorry for ramblin...
Hi thanks for this video. Kind Regards from Germany I'm a 4w3 my husband is a 9w1. Challenging isn't it....
Thanks for the comment. Welcome to the team.
24:00 GOD that is so true