Yes, Your Ex Is An Avoidant - Now Do THIS
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 มิ.ย. 2023
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If your ex is an avoidant, you might be concerned that you'll never be able to get them back. After all, aren't avoidants supposed to be these cold hearted people that have no emotions and never give anyone a second chance?
Not so. Clay Andrews has worked with countless clients who have seemed to have an avoidant ex who was as closed off and cold as a giant clam. Yet, with the right strategies, you can develop an emotional connection that inspires your avoidant ex to talk to you, reconnect with you, and even get back together with you again. - บันเทิง
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Clay I broke up with my ex about 2 months ago due to issues we were having with her commitment and prioritization of our relationship. We also have a lot of mutual friends including her family so we ran into each other twice during the period of time that I was going no contact. During these occasions she tried to get my attention but I was still hurt and ignored her.
Last week at a local show during her birthday weekend we decided to talk after and ended up having a great 3 hour conversation which led to me staying at her place and us hooking up.
She even admitted that she still wants to be together but wants to take it slow which I do as well. But over the course of the last week we have hungout a few times in group settings .
I want to work things out slowly but I want to be sure we're working towards the same goal and not talking to other people . How do I go about this ?
My question: why should I care about what they need when they don't care about what I need? Why should I cater to them for their comfort while they leave me in complete discomfort? It makes no sense.
Thanks for taking the time to post your question. I understand how frustrating it can feel when it seems like others aren't considering your needs while expecting you to cater to theirs. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries that ensure your comfort and happiness. I hope this helps.
i saw my avoidant ex last night at a game and she looked very uncomfortable seeing me even tho it’s been a year. She was by herself. all this time i thought she was booed up and happy. didn’t look that way last night. she refused to look my way or speak and tried distracting herself by being on her phone. people just move on. Avoid ants will continue to do just that and end up alone and unhappy
The label is not THAT important, but it is important.
Everyone has latched on to the "avoidant" label because it gives them a built in excuse for treating people like garbage. Now, every dumper out there can say, "Oh, so it's not my fault that I did x, y, z. I'm an avoidant so I can't be blamed for using people then throwing them away when I get bored. It's mommy and daddy's fault" BS. People need to own up to their bad behavior.
Thanks for your insight Clay. I love how straight forward honest and you are.
Two weeks ago my partner of two and a half years broke up with me a few days after my birthday. They had just bought a house and I moved in with them we had been living together for a year and a half and when they bought the new house I asked them if they wanted me to continue to live them which they said yes. I started noticing and feeling coldness detachment from them for over 3 to 6 months slowly becoming more and more distant. Even while moving I asked them are you sure about this? And they assured me yes they wanted me to move in. After moving in the coldness persisted and got worse I could see them not only pulling away from me but pushing everyone who loves them further away. I started to think that maybe their depression was coming back so I talked to them about maybe seeing a therapist. They said no to therapy so I offered well what if I came with you would you go to therapy if I went with you? They agreed. However once we were in therapy they began to fixate on me as if I was their problem somehow my ADD was making them cold distant unaffectionate and they didn't bring up anything to do with their depression anything to do with the loss of their parent a few years ago or anything to do with the multiple traumas and sexuals assaults they've experienced in their life. I was shocked to find that suddenly I was the focus of their problems and not the stacks of actually more serious issues that they were currently struggling with however I didn't feel it was my place in the therapy sessions to bring up their issues for them. In the end I felt gaslit and scapegoated. The therapist in her third session made some really bad generalized statements which gendered my partner (we're queer, two women) which sent a domino effect making it almost impossible to talk to them. After that the walls were reinforced and I was completely severed out of their communication. I'd ask her questions and she would sit staring into a void almost dissociating in front of me. They broke up with me and actually told me they didn't love me anymore. Obviously being devastated I just focused on being proactive and found myself another place to live and currently I am in the process of moving. However when I told them I was moving out they seem surprised and when they asked me where I was moving to I told them I didn't feel comfortable telling them right now. Their response was anger they actually got mad at me and almost started yelling at me and honestly I'm just so confused. She accused me of being needy saying that I was too much and that I was smothering her despite the fact that when I leave for work sometimes I'm gone for weeks at a time. They actually have a lot of space and I'm actually not a very needy person at all I'm quite independent I just really love them and wanted to be with them and share time together. Now that I'm moving out probably more quickly than they thought it seems like they're even more angry at me but I thought it's what they wanted. Any insight on this would be greatly appreciated as I am so unbearably confused.
Hi how’s it going?
maybe stop calling her they/them.. its one person.. not a group.
Why my ex avoidant did not go to non contact phase? Everyday he txt me telling about his daily rouyine!!!!! I asked him to block me he said he cannot he loves me as a friend and trust me and told me i am his bestie forever ! What does he want im lost
Hi clay, I thought my wife was an avoidant and i think my wife did a positive pull back with with texting me thru out the whole day because we were texting a lot but she stopped texting me in general but if I invite her to hang out or out to eat and she’ll accept it. Should I keep pushing for meet ups or back off?
If you're connecting well, then do things that keep the connection improving, such as hanging out. If the connection is getting worse, then that is a different story...
He states not to look into attachment styles, but then goes on to semi describe why the avoidant would be acting that way lol.
I had to look into why I acted the way I did with my last major breakup and learned that I'm still single at my age bc I'm a Fearful Avoidant lol. And the other guy was a Dismissive. It actually helped me to understand a lot of what I didn't think about when I could've been more present - again, a classic thought process of an FA.
When someone tells you their ex was an avoidant, they're assuming you, as a relationship coach, understands all that entails. They have short relationships, need alone time, minimizes social time and intimacy, don't respond to texts, aren't into trying new things, or making plans. These are what SOME of the things people mean when they say their ex is an avoidant.
I’m pretty lost. Yes he’s a DA but that behaviour shouldn’t excuse his deactivation from me just because it doesn’t fit in with his plans. We keep meeting up, my gut feeling says he loves me still. He’ll get his fix then he’ll disappear for 6 months. Thing is he won’t open up. How can this be when he loves me?.☺️
Have you had a Same Team conversation with him yet? If not that's the best place to start.
@@ClayAndrews Ooh I’ll need to find out what that is and see if I have. I’m getting the silent treatment right now. No replies etc. I suspect this won’t be the end of us I just wish I had a clue of his intentions 🙄.
Hey clay Me and my ex broke up over two weeks ago but we still talk and hang out she still tells me she loves me but don’t know about getting back together should I leave her be
It maybe be worth giving the space and time apart to see if they miss you before you get dragged into the friend zone.
Yeah definitely don’t want that
Don't worry you're not going to end up in the friend zone. Hard to say what you need to focus on right now. Why did the two of you breakup? What sort of resistance does she have about being in a relationship right now?
@@ClayAndrews we dated for 3 years and she wanted me to move in with her and I just had cold feet and she said this relationship is not going nowhere I’m content on way Things are. Me living in my apartment and her living in her house I want a life with her and her son
Seems like your cold feet got her afraid of being hurt so she is pulling back in a form of self-preservation
😊
You’re pretty dismissive of a label that for a lot of people having a really abusive traumatic experience be described very well for them. Panning other experts is not a good look.
You putting down years of research and try to get away with your lack of knowledge defending your personal beliefs....uff . I can't believe that you have the audacity to make videos and try making money out of people without being knowledgeable enough...sad
We started dating in Sep20, she had never told me if she likes me and kept dating. We could meet and did trips together, but still she dint feel for me. I could help her in job and work and then we were talking all work. I proposed her as I was not sure if she likes or kept me as option. But she accepted ring. Later after 3 months she returned the ring and I was triggered and abused her emotionally. Later after 10 days of no contact i missed and texted, she too missed me and we took off normal. After a year I could not get any commitment i was insecure and anxious. She suddenly one day told me to move on, as she has no feelings. I again fought with her and went into no contact. After working on myself and gym I texted her after a month, she was happy to connect back and slowly we started talking and connecting. After 5 months she asked me to stay with her for a week, but 2nd day we made out and she pulled back 2 days later. Then asked me to leave her place crying. She said she felt I am all over her and she is unable to find space, talking and expecting to talk and spent time. So she again broke up and I was very angry this time and was very abusive and cursed her and told to return all my things, as I was done with her. Stopped talking to her for a month. Later she texted me asking address, we shared few text and then dint text for a week. It was her birthday last week and i wished her and she replied with sweet note. Then we dint text for couple of days. Then I texted her saying her Picture is nice and ended conversation saying I was sorry for blasting at her and not handling situation while we both know she is avoidant. She dint reply to me.. what should i do next ?
Dial back romantic pressure. Seems like you proposed to her even though you and her weren't connecting well and she wasn't committed to you. Seems like romantic pressure is too high. Focus more on building emotional connection.
@@ClayAndrews I tried having a connect again. But she told text her only if I need any help and no casual text any more. I felt I wont be able to drive emotional connect so I started with no contact again. If this right approach