Wenzes, I love your videos. They encourage me to become empowered in who I am. Thank you for sharing them. I am getting close to 40, and I'm just now starting to really develop the skills you talk about. So much of my life, I didn't speak out the boundaries because I didn't want to make people feel bad. I took responsibility for their emotional states. This is still a struggle for me. Also, one thing I've noticed lately is that I've spent the bulk of my life dimming my flame because I perceived people being threatened by my fire, and, if they feel I "outshine" them, then they feel bad, and then I feel bad for them feeling bad. I've wasted so much of my life in this. (And these perceptions of mine have been confirmed via confessions [both written and verbal] again and again, so I know they were not just in my head.) I always celebrate others' gifts WITH them. But I felt I couldn't shine my gifts. I almost felt like I wasn't "allowed" to. However, now I am tapping into this power, and your videos have been one of the catalysts in this process. I can still sense that people don't like it that I'm doing this, but, you know what? There have been a lot MORE people who DO appreciate me doing this, and they are inspired by it. I am a person too, and I have the right to give myself space in this world to be the whole me. Thanks again. :)
I am so glad to hear that Chandra...and all of your experiences resonate so much with me...I am glad we have a plattform to share and understand we are not alone in this and can help each other. LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE!
I am 46 and honestly feel so embarrassed that I have allowed so much abuse all these years. I couldn't understand how other ppl were so centered and firm in their identity and could stand up for themselves without a care in the world, while I was being overly empathetic, making excludes for ppl's behavior because I understood their childhood, their psychology, their pain, etc. Or because they were very SE, I looked up to them and would do any for them. Im so grateful to be able to see clearly now.
Listening to this 2x! Omg....I just had no idea, no idea!! I do take in other ppl's morals and ideas and then I slowly become dominated by the other person. By the time I realize what has happened (years later) and I set boundaries, I end up having these power struggles. The person gets mad or upset because I set a boundary or used my FE. And then a blow up follows. I never realize what is going on all along because it happens on that subconscious level! Then I get confused about whether I was right or wrong and end up feeling guilty for being in the "wrong". Then I spend time telling my story to others trying to get others' opinions to affirm my feelings...lol WOW! I can't tell you thank you enough...it is time for this cycle to end.
So happy to read your revelation now...it‘s a matter of practice to...so you really have to push against your first natural reactions but it will get easier and then it becomes second nature
nailed it! I will be much more aware of this as an INFP with my close INFJ friend. I just learnt from this video why Fe types want/need emotional protection. I now realise why its important to allow an INFJ to assert their own values and support them in that. As an INFP I can overassert my strong value system in close relationships too much (mostly because its kept inside too long)...but thankfully a lot of my core values are about giving others the space and encouragement to be themselves (despite social pressure to do otherwise)...so i tend to encourage people to stand up for themselves and what they think is important to prioritise in their own life. Thanks Wenzes!
I dealt with this in my entire upbringing with my ISTJ older sister and still do to this day. Before I knew how to effectively use Fe, I would just absorb her Fi and then my Ti couldn't figure out what to do. She would lead me to believe I was a bad person if her Fi wasn't ok with something. I then overused my Fe to deal with her which led me down a path that I didn't like. The problem for me is that I DONT LIKE FE and especially as a male it is very difficult to go through life in this way. My takeaway here is to learn to effectively use Fe to set boundaries and that is one of the goals for myself because I'm just as deserving of things in life as my sister is or anyone else.
As a young INFJ, I just want to thank you for this wonderful advice. It is so overwhelming to involuntarily take in other's emotions and sort them out from your own. I have the most trouble in being assertive and deflecting people's negative energy, but now I see that with direct communication in the moment, will solve this. I have suffered through depression before because of the guilt, or shame imposed on my by others, but I have slowly gotten rid of toxic situations, emotional vampires and the negative Nancy's. Can you do a video on how to deal with seeing right through people? This is one part of being an INFJ that is most intuitive but it is almost always accurate, knowing when people are being genuine or their motives.
Question time. Like always. :) I'm wondering if it's common for young INFJ's to be engulfed in Fi. When I was in middle school, I was very depressed. To my knowledge, there wasn't any kind of environmental cause for this. I would sit in class and look around all all of the kids, and understand why they were doing things they were doing. When they were saying things to teachers to kiss their asses, when they were subtly making fun of other kids who didn't understand that they were degrading them. At the time, I'm not sure that I thought about it that way though. I more so seemed to "feel" the negativity. I remember feeling this emotion pretty specifically. Which is interesting because I don't know how to distinguish my emotions well now lol. It was like a mix of sadness and frustration I guess, and it made my chest feel very heavy and I would just be sitting in class feeling this emotion so heavily. I became very angry in the presence of others and dissociated from other kids. I suppose I held the same standards for kids as I did adults, internally. However, I also hated myself. I was constantly fixated on the fact that I was depressed, and my emotions in general. Once I hit high school and started to get out of that stage and exercising my Fe is when my depression seemed to switch over to anxiety (which is now much more under control)... Anyway I seemed to exhibit Fi pretty strongly during that time. My last ex boyfriend was an INFP, and he showed these same themes to a less harsh degree. When you were talking about absorbing other peoples morals as our own, it makes me wonder if there was a part of me that had uncertainty about my own insight, due to understanding other peoples mode of going through life. And somehow that got me all fucked up.. I"m not sure. Most likely that is way off, I'm just very curious about this. Thanks. (:
Hi Morgan, I can completely understand what you are talking about and I have experienced very similar situations. I think what you are missing is a contribution you are making to the group...feeling that the group is better because you are a part of it. This is what we as humans and we as INFJs need. The more we concentrate on ourselves the more depressed we get. If you have a cause, a purpose, and that could also just be making others laugh, lightening up the situation...etc. Once you concentrate on growing your contribution in an area that YOU find important and find people who actually appreciate that...this can be outside of school as well, you will access your FE more which will take the burden off of FI and lighten up your mood aswell.
Thank you. I am actually out of school now and about to start my second year of college. I have grown a lot in a very short period of time, and this is no long and issue for me. I've found that the more I understand myself on an objective (rather than emotional) level, both past and present, the more I learn to love myself for who I am. So your input is very much appreciated. (:
I may be of point.* Fi for infjs is comfortable when it can be 'harmonized' by fe, which means they must state their feelings test the capacity of the statements vs their feelings of the statement and attempt to find better words to complete a 'truer' statements of their feelings.
Fi harmonized by Fe, Food stamps and financial assistance, some say it's good some say it's bad, the truth is that both assessments are true of both arguments of dependence vs helpfulness. But overall one may conclude that financial assistance is good or bad in general based on certain based on certain ideas that a person values as ideal ideals. When it comes to broad approaches one should not let someone impact their ideals, however it does not mean that we should not be compassionate or fair toward others who may have fi in opposition.
I suppose I have an advantage in some ways growing up around what seem to me to be very fi oriented people, It is absolutely necessary, that I do not 'internalize' emotional statements, they come at me often, in verbal and non verbal form. Also infjs should realize people who have strong fi often make their statements over very specific issues.
How can I get over he guilt tho? I CAN push people I know that, and I have done it too. But it really kills me when I see their upset -sad etc reaction, and I always think if I might have pushed too much, too far, and I should have done it nicer etc. And I know that's the wrong way to look at it, and yes I have to hurt them to not hurt myself. But I was wondering if there was some way you know\use that puts those thoughts to peace or to deal with it faster instead of that lingering feeling of guilt ? Thank you for the videos truly life changing for me!.
The main reason why they react that way is because YOUR BEHAVIOR has changed. If you stay consistent and you once get over the shock you will cause for others, they get used to your behavior and don't get shocked anymore. I know exactly what you mean. I went through it myself. Stay strong, it will pay off.
Where can we listen to your music? Do you plan on making a video about how Ni, Fe and Se work together for composing? (if you deem this an interesting topic of course) Thanks again
Hi Bruce, when I talk about my music, I just mean the music I listen to...nothing that I compose unfortunately...I mean I just always talk about MY music, cause it is so personal to me..haven't even thought about how it comes across...but I like to listen to it and get inspired by it and it does define my days in many ways
I love watching your videos! You are such an intelligent, classy, and beautiful INFJ who is interested in helping other INFJs understand themselves and improve their personalities and their lives. And I'm sure that you get a lot out of sharing these. I have always wondered where you are from with your accent and skin tone. What is you ethnicity?
INFJ:BelowtheRadar-AbovetheSystem that's great! I love Germany. It's beautiful!! I am part German... Hence the last name "Smeltzer", lol. It used to be spelled Schmeltzer I believe.
Your videos are really helpful thankyou for making them! I feel like my personality is really unbalanced atm and I want to develop all these skills you are talking about but I don't know where to start. What steps did you follow/ develop these skills in?
Does se work with fe the same way ti and ni work together? this video is very true because my dad is esfj and he only responds to force, which drove me crazy growing up, but now I know if I'm not being a turd when I'm dealing with him nothing will get done haha. the upward spiral is true. I believe the upward spiral is helped, because infjs are truth driven, so there is truth behind our arguments, and more importantly behind ourselves, and authenticity seems to allow us to win, maybe perhaps because our society has this sense of weakness to it, which I believe is partly from popular, unspoken encouragement from society for everyone to be fake and guarded, which I believe others can be (spiritually and verbally) powerless to stand in our way. ur thing with ur father basically happened with me and a few people XD and it worked.
FE and SE do have the similar dynamic like NI TI, but of course since we are introverts we are naturally more comfortable with NI/TI...but the more you use FE the more of your SE needs you meet in the process.
i think we don't have so much control over it...it can use overwhelm us without us realizing how it happened, I assume infps are much more in control of such strong feelings, therefor they also dwell on things, not just negatively but also positively, because you know when it's enough...it'S enough and you get out of it...for infjs it's not that simple
Fi doms put boundaries in place FE doms have a hard time setting boundaries so they need to work on that they need to set boundaries in a balanced way and be reasonable . Fe is about being authentic and wanting harmony in the group Fe doms are not superficial as people labile them they have a genuine concern for the well being for man kind it's not just Fi 'doms that have deep emotions .
Wenzes, I love your videos. They encourage me to become empowered in who I am. Thank you for sharing them.
I am getting close to 40, and I'm just now starting to really develop the skills you talk about. So much of my life, I didn't speak out the boundaries because I didn't want to make people feel bad. I took responsibility for their emotional states. This is still a struggle for me. Also, one thing I've noticed lately is that I've spent the bulk of my life dimming my flame because I perceived people being threatened by my fire, and, if they feel I "outshine" them, then they feel bad, and then I feel bad for them feeling bad. I've wasted so much of my life in this. (And these perceptions of mine have been confirmed via confessions [both written and verbal] again and again, so I know they were not just in my head.) I always celebrate others' gifts WITH them. But I felt I couldn't shine my gifts. I almost felt like I wasn't "allowed" to. However, now I am tapping into this power, and your videos have been one of the catalysts in this process. I can still sense that people don't like it that I'm doing this, but, you know what? There have been a lot MORE people who DO appreciate me doing this, and they are inspired by it. I am a person too, and I have the right to give myself space in this world to be the whole me. Thanks again. :)
I am so glad to hear that Chandra...and all of your experiences resonate so much with me...I am glad we have a plattform to share and understand we are not alone in this and can help each other. LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE!
I am 46 and honestly feel so embarrassed that I have allowed so much abuse all these years. I couldn't understand how other ppl were so centered and firm in their identity and could stand up for themselves without a care in the world, while I was being overly empathetic, making excludes for ppl's behavior because I understood their childhood, their psychology, their pain, etc. Or because they were very SE, I looked up to them and would do any for them. Im so grateful to be able to see clearly now.
Listening to this 2x! Omg....I just had no idea, no idea!! I do take in other ppl's morals and ideas and then I slowly become dominated by the other person. By the time I realize what has happened (years later) and I set boundaries, I end up having these power struggles. The person gets mad or upset because I set a boundary or used my FE. And then a blow up follows. I never realize what is going on all along because it happens on that subconscious level! Then I get confused about whether I was right or wrong and end up feeling guilty for being in the "wrong". Then I spend time telling my story to others trying to get others' opinions to affirm my feelings...lol WOW! I can't tell you thank you enough...it is time for this cycle to end.
So happy to read your revelation now...it‘s a matter of practice to...so you really have to push against your first natural reactions but it will get easier and then it becomes second nature
nailed it! I will be much more aware of this as an INFP with my close INFJ friend.
I just learnt from this video why Fe types want/need emotional protection.
I now realise why its important to allow an INFJ to assert their own values and support them in that. As an INFP I can overassert my strong value system in close relationships too much (mostly because its kept inside too long)...but thankfully a lot of my core values are about giving others the space and encouragement to be themselves (despite social pressure to do otherwise)...so i tend to encourage people to stand up for themselves and what they think is important to prioritise in their own life.
Thanks Wenzes!
+C thanks aswell :)
I dealt with this in my entire upbringing with my ISTJ older sister and still do to this day. Before I knew how to effectively use Fe, I would just absorb her Fi and then my Ti couldn't figure out what to do. She would lead me to believe I was a bad person if her Fi wasn't ok with something. I then overused my Fe to deal with her which led me down a path that I didn't like. The problem for me is that I DONT LIKE FE and especially as a male it is very difficult to go through life in this way. My takeaway here is to learn to effectively use Fe to set boundaries and that is one of the goals for myself because I'm just as deserving of things in life as my sister is or anyone else.
exactly!
As a young INFJ, I just want to thank you for this wonderful advice. It is so overwhelming to involuntarily take in other's emotions and sort them out from your own. I have the most trouble in being assertive and deflecting people's negative energy, but now I see that with direct communication in the moment, will solve this. I have suffered through depression before because of the guilt, or shame imposed on my by others, but I have slowly gotten rid of toxic situations, emotional vampires and the negative Nancy's. Can you do a video on how to deal with seeing right through people? This is one part of being an INFJ that is most intuitive but it is almost always accurate, knowing when people are being genuine or their motives.
thanks for your feedback Gerson...it's much appreciated! :)
I appreciate your videos. I love flowers, nice touch.
Blessings to you and all of us who strive for growth and learning about our selves.
Wow, this video is plain perfection! Thank you so, so, so much! Your advice is life changing for me as an INFJ.
Question time. Like always. :) I'm wondering if it's common for young INFJ's to be engulfed in Fi. When I was in middle school, I was very depressed. To my knowledge, there wasn't any kind of environmental cause for this. I would sit in class and look around all all of the kids, and understand why they were doing things they were doing. When they were saying things to teachers to kiss their asses, when they were subtly making fun of other kids who didn't understand that they were degrading them. At the time, I'm not sure that I thought about it that way though. I more so seemed to "feel" the negativity. I remember feeling this emotion pretty specifically. Which is interesting because I don't know how to distinguish my emotions well now lol. It was like a mix of sadness and frustration I guess, and it made my chest feel very heavy and I would just be sitting in class feeling this emotion so heavily.
I became very angry in the presence of others and dissociated from other kids. I suppose I held the same standards for kids as I did adults, internally. However, I also hated myself. I was constantly fixated on the fact that I was depressed, and my emotions in general. Once I hit high school and started to get out of that stage and exercising my Fe is when my depression seemed to switch over to anxiety (which is now much more under control)... Anyway I seemed to exhibit Fi pretty strongly during that time. My last ex boyfriend was an INFP, and he showed these same themes to a less harsh degree.
When you were talking about absorbing other peoples morals as our own, it makes me wonder if there was a part of me that had uncertainty about my own insight, due to understanding other peoples mode of going through life. And somehow that got me all fucked up.. I"m not sure. Most likely that is way off, I'm just very curious about this. Thanks. (:
Oh, and very inspiring video as always! You have such great energy. (:
Hi Morgan, I can completely understand what you are talking about and I have experienced very similar situations. I think what you are missing is a contribution you are making to the group...feeling that the group is better because you are a part of it. This is what we as humans and we as INFJs need. The more we concentrate on ourselves the more depressed we get. If you have a cause, a purpose, and that could also just be making others laugh, lightening up the situation...etc. Once you concentrate on growing your contribution in an area that YOU find important and find people who actually appreciate that...this can be outside of school as well, you will access your FE more which will take the burden off of FI and lighten up your mood aswell.
Thank you. I am actually out of school now and about to start my second year of college. I have grown a lot in a very short period of time, and this is no long and issue for me. I've found that the more I understand myself on an objective (rather than emotional) level, both past and present, the more I learn to love myself for who I am. So your input is very much appreciated. (:
*no longer
great! Happy to hear that :)
Thank you from London, your an absolute star!! Keep it up!
Thanks Tom! Really appreciate it.
Big gratitude here from this infj!
That's really helpful, came at the right time. keep doing this, it's really wonderful and helpful.
so glad to hear that, thanks
This is amazing 🙊 so inspiring and hopeful and I really learned a lot from this one :) I hope you go far Wenzes!
Thanks so much Jana :)
Oh my gosh. I love you! You are so empowering.
Love the effortless chic look/attitude !
thank you :)
thank you great explantion
I can bring you everywhere I go
I may be of point.*
Fi for infjs is comfortable when it can be 'harmonized' by fe, which means they must state their feelings test the capacity of the statements vs their feelings of the statement and attempt to find better words to complete a 'truer' statements of their feelings.
Fi harmonized by Fe, Food stamps and financial assistance, some say it's good some say it's bad, the truth is that both assessments are true of both arguments of dependence vs helpfulness. But overall one may conclude that financial assistance is good or bad in general based on certain based on certain ideas that a person values as ideal ideals. When it comes to broad approaches one should not let someone impact their ideals, however it does not mean that we should not be compassionate or fair toward others who may have fi in opposition.
I suppose I have an advantage in some ways growing up around what seem to me to be very fi oriented people, It is absolutely necessary, that I do not 'internalize' emotional statements, they come at me often, in verbal and non verbal form. Also infjs should realize people who have strong fi often make their statements over very specific issues.
as you said...it's all about harmonization between both
How can I get over he guilt tho?
I CAN push people I know that, and I have done it too. But it really kills me when I see their upset -sad etc reaction, and I always think if I might have pushed too much, too far, and I should have done it nicer etc. And I know that's the wrong way to look at it, and yes I have to hurt them to not hurt myself. But I was wondering if there was some way you know\use that puts those thoughts to peace or to deal with it faster instead of that lingering feeling of guilt ?
Thank you for the videos truly life changing for me!.
The main reason why they react that way is because YOUR BEHAVIOR has changed. If you stay consistent and you once get over the shock you will cause for others, they get used to your behavior and don't get shocked anymore. I know exactly what you mean. I went through it myself. Stay strong, it will pay off.
I guess I'm not INFJ then because I don't absorb others emotions and I have a very clear, solid idea of my values and right vs wrong.
Uniquely Heather Holly you could be INFP. Many INFPs mistype as INFJ and vice versa
Where can we listen to your music? Do you plan on making a video about how Ni, Fe and Se work together for composing? (if you deem this an interesting topic of course) Thanks again
Hi Bruce, when I talk about my music, I just mean the music I listen to...nothing that I compose unfortunately...I mean I just always talk about MY music, cause it is so personal to me..haven't even thought about how it comes across...but I like to listen to it and get inspired by it and it does define my days in many ways
I love watching your videos! You are such an intelligent, classy, and beautiful INFJ who is interested in helping other INFJs understand themselves and improve their personalities and their lives. And I'm sure that you get a lot out of sharing these. I have always wondered where you are from with your accent and skin tone. What is you ethnicity?
Thanks Jenni! I am originally from Bulgaria, I was born there but I live in Germany at this moment.
INFJ:BelowtheRadar-AbovetheSystem that's great! I love Germany. It's beautiful!! I am part German... Hence the last name "Smeltzer", lol. It used to be spelled Schmeltzer I believe.
Your videos are really helpful thankyou for making them! I feel like my personality is really unbalanced atm and I want to develop all these skills you are talking about but I don't know where to start. What steps did you follow/ develop these skills in?
+Rachel Louise watch the oldest videos, there I am going through the process, hope they will help you!
Didn't know that you sing Wenzes 😯
I do I love your videos, I'm a closed box though
Does se work with fe the same way ti and ni work together? this video is very true because my dad is esfj and he only responds to force, which drove me crazy growing up, but now I know if I'm not being a turd when I'm dealing with him nothing will get done haha. the upward spiral is true. I believe the upward spiral is helped, because infjs are truth driven, so there is truth behind our arguments, and more importantly behind ourselves, and authenticity seems to allow us to win, maybe perhaps because our society has this sense of weakness to it, which I believe is partly from popular, unspoken encouragement from society for everyone to be fake and guarded, which I believe others can be (spiritually and verbally) powerless to stand in our way. ur thing with ur father basically happened with me and a few people XD and it worked.
FE and SE do have the similar dynamic like NI TI, but of course since we are introverts we are naturally more comfortable with NI/TI...but the more you use FE the more of your SE needs you meet in the process.
when you say infj's can use fi since im an infp how would you describe your feeling of using fi like how does fi feel for you personaly?
i think we don't have so much control over it...it can use overwhelm us without us realizing how it happened, I assume infps are much more in control of such strong feelings, therefor they also dwell on things, not just negatively but also positively, because you know when it's enough...it'S enough and you get out of it...for infjs it's not that simple
Fi doms put boundaries in place FE doms have a hard time setting boundaries so they need to work on that they need to set boundaries in a balanced way and be reasonable . Fe is about being authentic and wanting harmony in the group Fe doms are not superficial as people labile them they have a genuine concern for the well being for man kind it's not just Fi 'doms that have deep emotions .