Are you codependent?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 พ.ย. 2020
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The Holistic Psychologist
#selfhealers, do you see codependency patterns within your relationships?
How do we break and overcome this?
This video came right on time! I needed this so much. I can relate to all these symptoms of codependency. I always wondered why I feel so distant from my loved ones just because they think, act or feel differently. I react so I agressively and end up ruining relationships because I am always hunting for more things to criticise. I used to think that fixing others would automatically fix me back. I invest so much of my time and energy in others. I am always threatened by being temporarily seperated. I guess my low self -worth has a lot to do with it, too. It's hard to keep up the new habit and to think instead of reacting. Most of my actions are based on the accumulation of years of bad conditioning... The struggle is real and I hope I can, one day, learn to love myself sincerely.
Made me understand why my previous relationships failed. I put so much pressure on them and was never ‘satisfied’. I’m trying to be so much more aware of this which make me feel so much better just feeling I CAN be my authentic self. What’s not helping is guys always end up ghosting me, making me feel that I am not worthy of loving, ESPECIALLY my authentic self. Big sigh.
Yes the worst of which I think is trying to change someone to be someone else. Trying to work on expectations and also quality of communication/ interactions to be mutually beneficial. Our time is valuable but some have more to give that may violate boundaries. Hard to find balance sometimes.
I used to feel guilty & anxious if I was feeling happy and the person I was interacting with was feeling sad or angry, as though I had no right to be happy when they were sad... and I would feel resentful if I saw someone being happy when I was sad.... quite the havoc🤕
Please do a part 2 video on healing these patterns
4:55 I think this might be the answer you are looking for
Yes please 🤍
Yes I want to know how to change this
Yes please
I would add obsessive focus on the other person’s feelings and emotions.
A lot of people (myself included) shy away from this topic in fear of being needy or dependent... but I think it’s so important to understand these signs so that we can form healthier relationships. Thank you for shedding light on this 🙏🏽
Totally agree. I didnt want to see me as being like this. But I am
Sooo upon watching this I learned that I am codependent...my main issue is separation/fear of abandonment “why isn’t he texting back?!” Over the past few days I’ve been in a constant state of: what did I do wrong? What happened? Did he meet someone else? Is he bored with me?...Ugh I’m too old for this!
Thank you for the video. It is a real eye-opener.
I know this was 3 years ago but I am just seeing this video now. I want to respond to Nicole about my codependency. I have just recently realized I am big, BIG!!! time codependent. And have more recently realized how very, very responsible(subconsciously) I feel for the emotions of everyone around me that I am close to. And how the men I have been attracted to are all "broken" , emotionally unavaible little boys in men's bodies - alcoholics, drug addicts. I have spent my whole life working at "fixing" everyone. Always subconsciously trying to smooth over any difficulties ( thus the controlling aspect - make others calm, and me safe) others might have that would cause them emotional dysregulation - especially anger. There was so much anger/more than anger - volcanic rage from my dad. I am always checking everyone's emotional state - contantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am realizing the amount of control I am exerting to try to stop the madness, so to speak, and it is exhausting. So many invisible burdens to carry on such small shoulders. Two very emotionally immature parents - a little boy and a little girl in adult bodies. Very dysfunctional, chaotic environment. Never knew if we were getting volatile, anxious, angry dad or somewhat calm dad (but the every day uncurrent was anger and to this day I am hype-aware of any anger/ aggression in someone else - mu pulse quickens, my blood pressure goes up and my insides gets shaky), or would we get happy, sweet mom, or the crazy, anxious mom who spewed out hateful, off-the-wall comments. I can now see that I can scan a face and within a split second can "read" the mouth, or eyebrow, or chin or brow movements & what emotions they are expressing and immediately adjust my behavior accordingly. I call it pretzeling myself - tying myself in knots. So, I have never, ever really been just "me" - don't even know who "me" is. Sad!
How, oh how, does one ever unlearn how to people "read" - a behavior that is so much a part of my subconscious that I dont even recognize I am doing it - until now.
I guess the secret may be in not scanning/reading others, but recognizing it for what it is, and being able to graciously absolve myself from trying to "fix" whatever is broken in someone else. Recognizing there is no fixing, no healing, no rescuing, saving, mollifying anyone but myself.
Doing anything good for myself is SO foreign a concept, that I am crying just thinking about it. Actually stating that I, as a person, exists - has needs, wants and expectations is uncomfortable, to say the least.
The funny thing is, as I become more self aware and transform from a "little girl in a woman's body"( no different than my parents) the less I blame my parents for the mess I became. I can see how they grew up with the same issues that they transferred to us because they didnt recognize their own truth. Their unmet needs & lack of true, deep connection to their parents created the "perfect storm" environment that we grew up in.
Breaking that generational cycle is my gift to myself, and the world. If I can change one life, just one, by my willingness to overcome my past - if I, by my ability to become the person God intended me to be, can give hope to another, then it was worth the struggle.
I feel very similar to you. inspiring, Keep pushing through 🖤
I always knew I had some aspects of codepency but I didn't know about the emotional distance you mentioned. It's something I've always felt, I always feel hurt when people don't share what I feel or when I see someone feeling bad, I almost feel like I have to feel bad too. I now realise that this is codepency. Thank you again for teaching so many things and helping me become a better and more authentic version of myself !
Based on the comments, Dr. Nicole you need to do a part 2 for this one ! Thanks for all your videos.
Ive discovered im codependent. I have a lot of abandonment trauma, shame rooted of course in family. Hope you can delve more into self healing in the codependency scope ❤️❤️❤️
Damn. This hit me so so hard. First of all, THANK YOU. Second, How do we move forward?
in my first and last two relationships, I was extremely codependent. I really hurt both of them with my neediness and toxic behavior. I tried to fill myself up with their validation and reassurance but it was never enough. I'm trying not to hate myself but am finding it very difficult to forgive myself for how I behaved and believing I'll ever be ready for another relationship. I'm somewhat convinced I should stay away from relationships like I'd planned to do before the real me was brought into the light
Saw the notification and responded aloud, YES YES I AM 😂 thank you for this!!
hahaha! You're so welcome.
It's helpful to hear someone else, that has this tendency, talk about it. Feels a lot like most people don't understand. So thank you.
I think emotional separation is both a huge fear for me and something I expect, so I live in wait. When I don't hear from someone, I get stuck in this worry that it's because they don't like me anymore (while also berating myself that the world doesn't revolve around me, so why would it be about me?). I have lots of codependency patterns in my relationships, though, and am not sure if I would know real healthy love and admiration if I saw it.
You have just described one of my biggest anxiety-inducing triggers
Very accurate list, resonates really deeply with me. I'm very obviously a codependent, trying to change my learned patterns. I think maybe the most important thing is to realize that all this is LEARNED AND CONDITIONED. So, we can change, it is possible.
I hope this time I’m in love, this is the last time I try ☺️
Never stop trying...the trick is to learn to develop an unconditional love for yourself, and once you cultivate the energy of self love, you attract that from others no matter what! ❤️🌺 Accept yourself as you are and more love will follow 💞
Thank you. I realized that I am codependent. This is causing me to have difficulty having healthy, lasting relationships. I'm so overwhelmed.
It can be a difficult realization! There's no pressure to change everything right away. Becoming more aware of your behavior is a really big step
Part 2 please with more information on how not codependent on others! Thank you Nicole.
I feel like women/moms are taught by society to be poster children for the last bullet point, lol - thank you for your wonderful videos - sending ❤️
I agree. Our society tends to perpetuate codependency in songs, movies... the classic “you complete me” is the most popular example.
And if you break away from that societal view you're a monster.
Thank you for this added clarity.
Thank you for this message love 💕
I am so thankful for your work! Thanks for all the light that you provide with your videos and instagram posts! Much love,
Thank you! This video is very helpful.
You were helping us be aware! This is totally me lol and I thank you so much you are amazing!
Awesome advice. Very timely too 💜
Thankful for your content
Definitely my behavior in the past. Now I’m aware and working on fixing those patterns ✊🏻 thanks for the informative content 🙏🏼
Amazing video! Thank you very much! =)
Eye opening! Wow. Thank you! 🙏
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you ❤️.
Thank you for all of this content. It is helping me so much.
This is extremely helpful, as per usual. Thank you, Nicole.
Thank you for not having ads. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
Great video!
This was a fantastic presentation .. thanks 👍
Very good! Thanks for that!
thank you for this
Thank you, Dr. Nicole! 🌿
I so appreciate your honesty and guidance and am glad this channel exists. You're a godsend! xx
This in incredibly helpful thank you Nicole you are amazing. Looking forward to reading your book 😊xx
Your content is so incredibly helpful. Thank you for sharing your heart and your knowledge. You’re a huge inspiration to the kind of person I hope to be in this world.
This is precious precious information, Nicole. Thank you!
Loved your book 📚 & gave copies to my friends! 🙏
Thank you Nicole. Appreciate you so much
So beautifully and compassionately described!!!
Thank you for this❤️ thank you also for sharing your story❤️ I’m so excited for your book!
You're so welcome. Thank you for watching. I'm so excited for you to read it!
As a recovering codependent, I can confirm what the Holistic Psychologist consistently says:- awareness is the key. I continue to habitually fall into all of these behaviours and more, but now, I (more) quickly see myself acting out, cease, and choose more self-respecting and self caring actions. Use your breath, get self-aware. Go for it. A fuller life awaits 😊
This was very helpful. I really liked the way you explained it through your own experience and behaviour.
I’m happy to notice that I see this in myself but I don’t fear this like I did before. I feel acceptance toward myself now ❤️
Thank you!
This all strongly resonates. Thank you for your content
This is brilliant and I love that I use to heavily fall into all of them but not anymore.
I love that I'm consciously aware to understand now.
I still struggle sometimes but I'm aware of it and even more so now I have watched this video.
Thank you ❤
Very helpful, thank you 🌹
A part 2 with how to fix these patterns would be amazing. I think a lot of us need this
It made me cry. Thank you so much for explaining each marker with relatable and real examples. I could see myself clearly in your examples.
Thank you once again for inviting people like me to create awareness. 🙏🌿✨
Still Yes. Thank you for the deep details & the non-judgmental approach, your sharings about your own experience is precious.
Thank you, you are precious.
Emotional separation! Finally I understand myself, thank you as always
Thank you so much for your work and sharing this with us.
Good Advent, Merry Christmas🐾🐾😻🕯🎄🎄
This was so helpful in many ways. Thank you! Please do a part 2 on ways to break these unhealthy patterns.
didn’t realize i had major co-dependency issues until earlier this year. i always thought it was being reliant on others for financial / material security. it’s a lot deeper (and therefore more emotionally damaging) than that. thank you for this video + for helping us to heal ourselves. 💙
I can so relate to this and am working on them
Beautiful, thank you
That explanation about emotional separation and the reactivity/anxiety that can be expressed by not raising awareness of codependent patterns really resonated with me and was mindblowing! Thank you so much Nicole for all the incredible content, insight and tools you always share ❤🌼
You and your work have been essential in my healing process. Big hug from Chile 🍀
Great video! I didn't know what codependency was, but I can definitely see these patterns in my relationships! Eye-opening, thank you!
You have an Amazing gift I show gratitude to your wisdom 🙏🤍
Very helpful 🙏
Thank You ❤😊
totally on point!
This resonate with me so much. Truth is very paintfull, but it still is a truth.
Doctor Nicole...you are flippin' amazing. You have a soothing, measured, kind tone in your voice that grabs me, and your breakdowns of psychological patterns is top-notch. I feel calm, attentive, and positive when I see one of your videos or listen to your podcast. It doesn't dawn on me that you have experienced these issues yourself and speak from a place of knowing. I have a similar backstory and can relate to you. Please continue doing your life-affirming work. Thank you so much!
That always be me.... I'm trying to work on boundaries in fam, friendships and later whenever it will come... Next Relationship.
Thanks for sharing
That's very tough to realize that I am co-dependant but I am grateful that I realize it.
Thank you so much for this. It was when you said ‘when one person was stressed, we were all stressed”, that I got my ‘ah-ha’ moment and it clicked!
Thank you for enlightening me
I'm so grateful to hear that this video was enlightening for you.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Can I ask u a question? Is it normal throughout the journey to feel confused, frustrated and being unable to decide or choose what's good or bad, healthy ans unhealthy?
Could you please make more videos on how to heal codependency, it would be very helpfull! Your content is constantly making me a better person. THANK YOU❤
Oooh there was some nice nuance in this video. I don't resonate so much with being triggered by physical space, but I am definitely triggered by me perceiving emotional space, as in someone not being in the same mood as I am. I make this mean things about me when it has nothing to do with me and I get anxious and I want to try to fix them or control them and it's not healthy. As someone who has tended to avoid close relationships all-together and therefore seemingly comfortable being alone, folk psychology'a understanding of codependency never seemed to fit, but I have since learned that I am definitely co-dependent. And because I hate the feelings of helplessness that go along with it, this is why I've tried to avoid emotional closeness/intiamcy/vulnerability with others. Good video!
Thank you!
That’s me 😀😀 codependency is the ritual and nature in my family. Thank you for the video
Thank you 🙏🏻u remind that I can be the greatest me 😘
thank you
This is great and really helpful.
I like your energy. You have a loving warm vibe and I keep watching your videos and interviews.
Please consider using white text on black background. The eye tends to move towards the white and it becomes strenuous to watch the video.
I was very codependent on my last partner which really affected our relationship. It’s something I need to work on. Thank you for the great video.
It's beautiful to hear that you have gained awareness around your codependency. Sending you a ton of love!
Separation from him brought me a lot of anxiety. I would also betray myself unconsciously. For example, if we were hanging out I wouldn’t do any chores that I had to do because I wanted to be with him at all times. So the day after I would wake up tired from being up late and had to do everything that I had to do the day before. I would put him before my own needs just because I didn’t want to be alone. It was so unhealthy now that I think about it. But it all makes sense since that’s what I experienced as I child.
@@emmaa2863 OMG....that was SO my last relationship!
Well, I surely was. But after a lot of work on me, a good help of my new therapist (thanks she was there 😁), your videos when I was submerged or in a difficult situation, to remember... I can proudly say that I'm on the good side of the way 😁😁😁
Thank you so much. The weird thing for me is that I was aware of my codependency in my last relationship, yet I was not able to stop it. He stopped it for me by breaking up with me. I swear, I just couldn't stop it.
So what’s next after awareness ?
via awareness or observation of one's behavior allows a person to modify their response or the action they take - I see my behavior through paying attention to myself and then can take hold of boat, so to speak, and drive it to a better place rather than going in the same direction through habit (lack of observation/awareness). We have total control of ourselves but lost our nature. It's very possible to gain it back through observation of ourselves and literally going outside to a remote as possible natural area and soaking in how nature works - sitting and doing 'nothing' but observing the natural world will bring you forward to the present (there's only now) and to your own nature - the chatter of the mind won't shut up - and being aware of this, experiencing this, allows you to recognize and modify - a method which is from this natural world because it's operating in the present. We forget 'now' and operate in a past and future world - By design or accident, it's a human world only that has lost its nature, and therefore itself.. Time to turn around and make elegant solutions that echo natures elegant solutions - we are nature and yet fighting ourselves on many levels and have the the free will to alter our collective path at any moment.
I think it would be to shift focus to self-love.
I presume that once you're self-aware, you can observe your patterns and therefore modify them, consciously. You can operate on a more aware state rather than on autopilot.
@@wolfganga982 Yes, absolutely. But it requires patience with yourself and perseverance. You won't just become fully aware one day and be fixed. You'll constantly backslide and fall back into unawareness. It's a daily practice that must be repeated over and over, with every breath essentially, until one day it becomes your new normal.
Change becomes possible once you become self-aware, although self-awareness doesn't, of course, guarantee you will embark on the journey of change. It is an eye-opener though and because we normally strive to be the best version of ourselves, we want to change our behaviour. To change our behaviour, we need to change our thinking first.
Thank you
Thank you for watching, Elisa!
Huh, I’ve felt that I think more about others probably more than others think about me... this would explain it.
Do you have anymore content on point #4 (separation anxiety & abandonment fears)? That was really interesting! And I would love to learn more. Thanks for all the great content & information you share! ❤️❤️❤️
could you please create videos for these markers of codependency and your tips on resolving each of them in more detail and with more of your thoughts? that would be a cool video or video series! thank you for this video, it was a helpful one!
Oh my you are describing my experience of how my mum is
How ami just finding your TH-cam!? I follow your ig and preordered the book 💪🏽
Thank you so much for this video. I have been dealing with major separation anxiety in my previous relationships. My codependency was the main issue that my ex chose to end our relationship a couple weeks ago. It wasn’t healthy and he knew it couldn’t work in the state we were in. I didn’t realize until after the breakup how much anxiety I really have when I am alone. Now, where do we go from here?
Let’s be especially helpful to each other during this time when so many Americans don’t have enough food to eat
Three months ago, I lost my father. He was my favorite parent. Though, I had a love-hate relationship with him, his presence in my life was a major part of my life. His loss made me go down a spiral where I lose my balance and start to slack in my work area. I am also the primary caretaker of a thirteen-month-old toddler, and a lot of my energy goes into playing that role. For the past one and half months, my younger sister, and her spouse are having major flights in their marriage. At first, I had been counseling my sister and being as supportive as I could since she has been there with me during the darkest phase of my life. But lately, I have been realizing that helping her is bringing back too many painful memories of my childhood of how my mother forced me to take care of my baby sister who is merely a year younger than I am. I have also been realizing that I have yet not processed the sadness of losing my father. I need time to heal and provide some self-love and self-guidance to my inner child. When I request her to grant me my space, she intrudes on my boundaries. Plus, my mother who is with me now enables her behavior and encourages me to prioritize her emotional needs over mine, just the way she did when I was a child. This video helped me a lot in understanding why I feel the way I do. Thanks for this video.
I’m hoping you will provide advice on how we can overcome these thoughts and behaviour.
Resonated so much with this ! Can I just ask do you have tips on how to heal and break away from being codependent? Xx
This is right on Time
I'm so grateful to hear that this felt on time for you. Thanks for watching!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Thank You MORE 🥰❤
i'm grateful for this video :) it would be better including healing process for this. I always find myself down after I'm aware of the pattern around me and I cannot find the solution
I have a disorganised attachment style and I see that whether I'm more anxious or more avoidant, depends on whether my partner or friend is anxious or avoidant (either at that moment or generally). I chronically neglect myself and put people I love first, and then I feel resentment because they don't prioritize me like I'd want them to. And that kills my love for them slowly.
Needless to say I grew up with a ton of abuse in my family. I can see myself saying the same things to others that my mother said to me. Those things made me feel like she depended on me. That if I wasn't hungry and didn't eat at the same time as her, she wouldn't eat either, instead she would drink until she cried and passed out. So, the message was that if I didn't do what she wanted - which was a different thing every time - her wellbeing and stability were threatened. Even now that I see those patterns in myself, it is extremely difficult to stop once I've started. It's unconscious.
I find that the best thing I can do for that is "prognosis". Most selfcare tips either seem superficial to me, or they seem like aftercare. Like you do them AFTER you've been triggered, to calm down. AFTER you've been clingy, to "snap out of it" and get yourself back. AFTER you've emotionally exhausted the other person, to finally "see clearly". Or DURING the reaction, like you could magically turn the reaction off. Well, that doesn't work. There needs to be a foundation.
So that prognosis includes building a secure sense of self and building my health up and not neglecting my needs, pretty much as the very first thing in the morning and the very last thing in the night. And maybe numerous times through the day, too. That, to me, doesn't necessarily look the same every single day.
And, yes, it comes with the cost of sometimes feeling "disconnected" from the rest of the world. It's okay.
Can you possibly do a talk on people becoming codependent with their therapist (or therapy in general)? I would be so interested to hear your thoughts!
I had my in-laws living with us for 4-5yrs because I was too passive to ask them to move out. I constantly let my boundaries be violated. I also really struggled with raising our two sons because I didn't voice to my husband when he needed to step up and instead said I was okay with him playing football 4xs a week because I was scared if I said no he would abandon me. He had no idea o was struggling.