Raging Narcissist: Merely Pissed-off?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 มี.ค. 2012
- Everything You Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq...
Most narcissists are prone to be angry. Their anger is always sudden, raging, frightening and without an apparent provocation by an outside agent. It would seem that narcissists are in a CONSTANT state of rage, which is effectively controlled most of the time. It manifests itself only when the narcissist's defences are down, incapacitated, or adversely affected by circumstances, inner or external.
Pathological anger is neither coherent, not externally induced. It emanates from the inside and it is diffuse, directed at the "world" and at "injustice" in general. The narcissist is capable of identifying the IMMEDIATE cause of his fury. Still, upon closer scrutiny, the cause is likely to be found lacking and the anger excessive, disproportionate, and incoherent.
It might be more accurate to say that the narcissist is expressing (and experiencing) TWO layers of anger, simultaneously and always. The first layer, of superficial ire, is indeed directed at an identified target, the alleged cause of the eruption. The second layer, however, incorporates the narcissist's self-aimed wrath.
(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/the...)
The man, the legend. Sam has single handedly helped and shed light on narcissistic behavior like no one else. He deserves so much praise and recognition. Thank you Sam from the bottom of my heart ,
Brilliant!...by torturing others they avoid torturing themselves.
My husband almost killed me in a rage. He's incarcerated now but I went unconscious after he tried to sew my head back together with a sewing kit to avoid jail. My sister in law saved my life and now he hates her bc she's being honest and testifying for me the truth. It did start out with the silent treatment at first.....five years married and I have three skull fractures and permanent brain damage. Y'all be safe out there. Love shannon
Sorry but I can only wish something bad happens to your husband but it is not the way. You suffered lasting damage that is tough. Really sorry.
Omg#### please be safe
Shannon McClary I'm involved with a female narc. We're only just friends as that suites her fine, so she can't say she's cheating , cos we're not a couple. I was hit in the head with an iron and left me scared for life, she's cut me with her metal vape on the mouth and lots of bleeding , but that's the icing on the cake. I'm now bake home , but still in touch and still go running back, when she clicks her fingers omg
I am presently being attacked in this manner by my husband whom I am trying to divorce. Nothing has helped me more than understanding fully what to expect and learning how to defend and protect myself. The biggest challenge is to regain my emotional equilibrium after having such an all-out attack on every front. I do not want to become an angry person but I have been taunted, mocked, insulted, cheated on, threatened, harassed, and every other horrible thing imaginable. I am using no contact, legal protection and these videos to cope.
Was married to an extreme narcissist for 13 years. For many years it was an awful experience always trying to please her and never being good enough. She was pretty crazy, always flying into rages and using them to intimidate me. She would even talk in her sleep and curse at me (in her sleep) on a regular basis, I've never heard or seen anything like this. I eventually realized that I had value as a human being and left her after speaking to a couple of psychologists about her. Best thing I've ever done for myself. The divorce was awful; the first trial was tough but the second trial was much better because I understood what she was. One more trial to go next month and I'll final put a stop to some of the things shes been doing to me over the years (it's been almost six years since I left her). I know it'll never be over until our two kids are done with college but I've figured out how to handle the situation without too much impact on me. I wish I had known better when I met her but on the other hand I've got two good boys and met a wonderful woman because of this. I've been in a solid relationship for the past five years as well and now know what it's like to be loved by someone that's healthy. Life is good and I refuse to let a narcissist deny my happiness. If you're married or in a relationship with one just get out - it's that simple. Eventually you'll get to the "other side" as I have
Sounds like she has borderline personality disorder.
Tom ... What a beautiful outcome for you. Many blessings with much Love & Light to you & your new life partner. Your story gives me hope !!!💝
Well put :), I myself am experiencing your story
Glad to here that theres still hope for healthy love .
Your story is inspiring. You didn't let your experience destroy your ability to love a deserving partner.
They fly into rages because you threaten their own narratives of greatness and rigid self-regarding egos. It's funny / peculiar how they demand niceness from you, but are not nice to you. If you call them on their abuse, they will take revenge.
+Kat T Funny you should say that. The narcissist I know seems to feel he can say anything (no matter how horrid) to anyone and it should be subsequently over-looked and dismissed. However, if anyone says anything to the narcissist that he considers critical (even if it's actually an innocuous comment) he'll sometimes stomp around ranting and raving that "nobody is going to talk to me like that! Nobody is going to say anything like that to me!" He'll then shriek, "I won't stay in this place another moment!" and go stomping off having a massive tantrum. OR, he'll go the passive aggressive route and sulk and refuse all contact for months on end. LOL- these people are nuttier than a pecan pie.
I think they are like this:
A quote I found:
"People (eg Ns) have to pretend that you're a bad person so that they don't have to feel guilty about the horrible things they did to you. God forbid they should ever be accountable for their bs."
They never seem to take responsibility, but project on to you (their victim/supply). Not that we are "victims" as such.
I think they are crazy, or missing a few links in their brains.
K T Losers
They deny the abuse and gaslight the victim.
This was the hardest part for me in developing: Admitting that I was afraid to be normal and healthy.
Admitting to myself that I wanted this, but believed I couldn't get it.
Life has been much better ever since I started thinking better things for it's sake only.
@pazomblez Some rage displays are intentional and used as tools of manipulation. But the narcissist's REACTIVE rage (in reaction to being ignored, criticized, etc.) is NOT an act and cannot be controlled (it is a manifestation of impaired impulse control.)
Thank you. If you are planning to buy the PRINT edition of my book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" (thank you!), my advice is: do NOT purchase it from Amazon. I sell only Kindle e-books via Amazon. New, authentic, cheaper PRINT copies of my book, directly from my publisher are available ONLY via Barnes and Noble.
Goes completely off!! It does not matter who sees him, or hears him..or where he is, when he rages...he looses it completely!! He really loved to 'go off" on me if any men were around..he wanted to show case his "authority"..abuse is what it was, I left him!
This is so accurate in describing the rage of the narcissist...such a hurtful, brutal display for the recipient.
Like listening to the pure, harmonic notes of a guitar! Raised by self-loathing psychopaths who self-sabotaged, raged and beat me, calling me "heartless" when their modeling was rejected by me at a very early age. Every action confirmed their pathology, including oddly offering, and then at last minute,refusing to take me to my appointment to take my law school admission test.Thanks to all the enlightened witnesses (ref. Alice Miller), therapy and educators who freed me to live, love and lawyer!
That was pretty profound and spot on.
With my sociopathic Narc X-wife... there was always this sense (that I can only describe in geologic terms) of an underground/subterranean lava flow. These exist in the real world. Always this underground current of flowing magma/rage... and it is a unique form of pervasive rage (that they draw upon to gas light or induce the walking on eggshells thing in others around them). I think its more like where persistent and extreme irritation meets a smoldering and festering type of anger that also contains a persistent level of eternal (and internal) spite or spitefulness. So the narcissist seems to have the river Styx running through their "soul" and from whatever minor external stimulus that may be, has the capability to disturb or perturb this constant flow of magma into major or minor vituperative eruptions.
I think what Sam sets out as being particularly useful here is that he posits the idea that this state of narcissistic "anger" permanently blocks the empathy channel just in the same way a non pathological person would if they were also (temporarily) angry. I think that is a really valuable insight here!
That really explains a lot... and my X-wife did cite her anger/depression being the core problem of her behavior. Is it really the case that the Narcissist is for ever in a defensive posture always striking out as everyone beyond a certain radius of the inner circle must be an enemy? You get from the narcissist this sense of self justified spite.. i.e. they are being spiteful as they are the MOST damaged victim somehow.
So the question here is IF you can take care of the undercurrent of powerful broad and internal anger then does the narcissist become more empathic? And hence becomes more benign?
How do Malignant Narcissists fare on the drug ecstasy?
This man is a genius. He understands what I've had to deal with for the last 4 years. I've just watched about 10 of his videos and he's described my ex better than I could.
narcissists are attracted to possitive people, because they're jealous.
I agree. They are jealous of individual strength.
@MsGarnet77 Yes and yes. This is the meaning of the word "DIFFUSE" in the video.
I'm glad its possible to get over this bs. I just wanna be happy and I am now.
I discovered that abusers normally save their rage for their nearest and dearest.
I was recently the recipient of explosive N Rage when I extended my hand in the direction of the butter and said, "Can you pass me the butter please".
This was good for a 10 minute vicious N tirade and devaluation, full of contempt and rage that was punishing and nose grinding.
"Don't you know it's rude to point!!!!
I would also add or throw this one out there. Scientists have now found that there are some faulty genes that can occur that code for faulty receptor cites for oxytocin. In some autistic patients they have found this and are experimenting with raising oxytocin levels to compensate for this faulty gene with positive results to ameliorate certain behaviors related to an apparent lack of empathy. I wonder if in the case of more what I would call genetic "sociopathic Narcissists" whether artificially raising the levels of oxytocin would balance out or turn off that constant flow of subterranean rage that the narcissist seems to carry around with them?
The reason why I posit the idea of a "genetic" Sociopathic Narcissist is that there is a particular look in the eyes that starts at an early age and continues through adult hood. Photographs of my x-wife from the age of 5 onwards seem to show that. There is a sort of parallel vergence of the eyes but it is different from Autistic spectrum patients that might also have a more parallel vergence. The "look" is rather unnerving... that you get from the sociopathic narcissist. Hard to explain.... It's more like a malevolent doll... That's the best I can do to explain. It's spooky.
Yes! Absolutely agree with this reasorch... I have experienced that "eye" concept. I can not explain my closest experience on this issues... One must be involved with such individuals to experience that. Believe me, it's very uncofortable and scary. I don't even want to be close to that soulless. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 colled Human! I'm glad to be sooo far from all his "friends & family" cyrcle. I know their communication it's just online. If they meet each other face to face... Hahaha 😂😂😂 Perhaps once a year and maybe not even that!!! I'm so blessed I'm out for a life time! 😂🙏🙏🙏🙏 I'm praying to never, ever to see that ex until I go to my resting grave and that I have told my Children! Thanks for the video
first my narcissistic man practically killed me, then when he went to jail, his narcissistic mother started stalking me! She has called cps, pressed charges on me for harassment, then tricked me into thinking she had dropped the charges, then 5 months later, I had a bench warrant for it, so she called the police and said I had a bench warrant and false accusations to the dog law officer so that they would come to my house, I was sent to jail, then she called cps to tell them I was in jail... she is going nuts crazy wacko!
False police reports are a crime.
Wow be safe be bless
like two year olds having temper tantrum
Two year olds act better than they do....they’re just arseholes.... I give more credit to a 2 yr old
for sure!
so true, exactly how my ex has been and treated me for several years... I don't feel I will ever be recovered of those years
Psalm 147:3
I didn't know I could be so complicated. Not saying I'm a narcissist, but it's amazing how this mechanisms can exist inside a person and we never really see them very clearly.
I love the comment about garden variety anger. over $1.50 my man punched me in the head 5 x. when I cried cause I almost lost consciousness. he said" should've given me the $1.50." wow
Your contribution to society is big. Thank you from Costa Rica Sam. God bless you.
This is an important topic and I must commend Sam on the way he hi-lighted upon anger with other personality disorders as well!
Thank you Sam.
You are shining light on the shadows behind the eyes and the soul.
Thank you. This is very profound and answers so many questions.
Thank you so much for this insight. It explained so much puzzling behaviour to me.
Wow!! This video is so good for me. My last lover was a stark raving narcissist and your videos are super helpful.
This worries me. My husband and I are in the process of divorcing. He has clued to our kids that he wants our house. There is a big chance that I will get the house. My husband seems to love our kids but I can tell that he will abandon them when the kids overcome the admiration and adulation toward their father. My husband is capable of stellar performances, always keeping his cool. The only thing that makes his rage apparent is the idea of losing his money or material possessions. I am anticipating a tsunami of rage if I actually get the house. How can I deal with that situation and protect our kids and myself?
You are so right on this. Great job and thank you.
this is the most informative site for me. thank you.
Thank you so much. One of your best ever videos.
excellent. Thank you for this enlightening information.
My ex narc screamed like I've never heard and danced on his toes a 60 year old man. Crazy stuff.
Thank you for this excellent information.
Free yourself from their insanity, they will never acknowledge their wrong, but will put concerted effort to make you appear the aggressor and they are always the victim. If you have extra time on your hands, that you might spend trying to "make them see the light", try catching the wind, you will be more successful, and maybe you could turn it into something worthwhile, such as energy, which a narcissist only drains.
it surprise me he go into a rage for nothing i did not understand . learning about narcissistic behavior hasv help me learn what it was about.
I cant take it no more
Sam, first, thank you for giving words to what was my experience with someone who has ASPD/NPD. This person has been out of my life now for almost 3 months. There were several occasions where I had to call the police, and all times he was arrested and/or institutionalized (jail or state psychiatric hospital). I mistakenly allowed him back in my life after the worst of the attacks and all times when I had to call 911. I feel like I should report to the police the physical and sexual attacks that followed (the most recent being 3 months ago when I finally put my foot down and blocked him out of my life), but I haven't done so as of yet because I'm scared it will make matters worse. He was stalking me up until a couple of weeks ago and might still be doing so, but if he is, I don't know about it as of this time. In your experience, will reporting sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc. and getting an order of protection only make him more likely to attack me further?
Thank you Sam for these great videos. These have been so eye opening for me.
I so agree with KT below.
I read your reply about that and I agree with you n understand. I'm a son of one and need to move out.
this is a classic situation by my own experience with my sister who was always the "golden child" and cannot contain her grudge of someone more intelligent and younger in the family. She calculatingly and deliberately planned to cause defamation any way she could to overcome her jealousy. Arranging human trafficking in order to provide herself to a sex life with her new then husband whilst maintaining knowingly her grudge that she was inferior in her mind. She carried out vile and heinous acts of self- ebasement to impose her gradiosity and validation to herself in comparison to continue her fetish with the now mentally tortured younger sibling. She became just ugly. And now , half way around the world, i am still reeling from the abuses. Stalking continues. To a lesser extent as effective but still unbearable, sending agents and stalkers to continue the farce from afar. Your videos make a difference in empowerment to address my recovery. Please consider making a video about aesthetics an perceived aesthetics have to do with narcissists and how over the years they appear to go in a.. downward spiral of less self grooming [psychologically resonating with physical appearance] because they are addicted to how good they feel without it and that abuses of this nature trivialise their inability to recognize the offence their unpleasantness creates [to any extent] as an unjustified reaction at all, and that it is their God- given gift to present themselves as unpleasant as they can to maintain this "priviledge".
You are awesome Sam, Thank you. Absolutely right on as always! On a different note though- what webcam do you use to record your videos please?
very good monologue
Thank you!
Mr. Vaknin, I would like to ask for more information about the rage that is passive-aggressive. My father and brother are probably both pathological narcissists. My father either gives silent treatment or insults and yells. But my brother is different…. sometimes he yells and insults, but most of the time he does things like forget (to lock mom's apartment after leaving it, when she is in the hospital) and when I think of it as a whole… his behavior (+ his wife's in the mix) feels like frequent chaos. I feel like I cannot trust him. Often, when I'm trying to discuss a mutual meeting or mutual plans, later I realize that I did the suggesting and most of the talking and he didn't say, what works for him and in the end somehow things end up a bit different than the plans that I thought we had made together… its almost like passive-aggressive (silent) manipulation - he doesn't say anything and then does what he wants (without informing me about it even though it affects me) or does not do, what he promised (mail something of mom's while she is in the hospital). Some of it could be explained by ADHD maybe (he never liked reading books), forgetting to do little things. I've tried confronting him on his unreliability but it doesn't seem to get any better, it may be getting worse. I am beginning to be afraid of him, but somehow I just don't have enough information to go no contact. Please, could you do more videos on "pernicious (passive-aggressive) rage".
Passive-aggression samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders36.html
Goddamn Sam vandamn you are a smart guy
Sam, does a Narc respond with rage or indifference when a supply source imposes no contact (blocks emails, social media, texts)?
Lightacandle Most of them react with frustration and then aggression. Some of them graduate to stalking (www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse18.html ) Yet others actually feel relieved: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse14.html
yup makes sense to me.
yo you have all those books behind you i wonder if you read them all yet. I;m just so interested in other people and me right now. I'm happy.
I have a bf who rages for no valid reason. If I use a word incorrectly he can start screaming, if I walk too slowly, if I ask him for help with some household equipment. The rage comes when I don’t expect it and makes me feel hated. Maybe he is a narcissist. Then he devalues my feelings when I get sad about him screaming, saying I’m too sensitive.
Drop that friend.
i read the part about the narcissistic supply. It reminds me of an item called a power supply in a video game I play called heroes of Newerth... anyways... I'm really glad that I read that and glad I can talk about this stuff finally after falling in love with a girl (who is actually I lesbian, although i still love her anyway, just cause shes cool. My dad is a narcissist and alcoholic man, and I'm the opposite of him, and he will never understand that, and I just found that out.
I'm married to a raging narcissist but am confused because some of his angry outbursts have nothing to do with an insult to his sense of entitlement. For instance he destroys inanimate objects and blames them for causing him to make mistakes.( the gate gets torn off it's hinges because the dog escaped). He knocks the soy sauce bottle over accidentally so breaks both it and everything around it in the fridge and screams. "That's the last time I ever buy soy sauce if it's going to do this!" He destroyed our dishwasher because of its "dereliction of duty."
I agree, and a covert will wake up in the morning and the first interaction is looking for a excuse to release rage at the target. They bait and ask an absurd question like are you going to water the lawn and you say yes, and they start screaming that it is supposed to rain why the hell would one be watering and running up the bill (which I pay by the way). It is also a form of gas lighting. This allows them to release pent up rage under the guise you are deserving of it. It can make you crazy over time.
I cut off resources and kicked my narcissistic man out. what followed was hell. sabotaged me hit me put me down harassed, stalked and terrorized me for 4 weeks. he's now in jail - felony. will he get better or plan more against me? sure he blames me for being in jail. love to see him in counceling when he gets out.
like the big thing in my family is me getting a haircut. I believe my dad's just jealous cause he doesn't have hair anymore and he wants it. both my parents are obsessed with me getting a haircut and constantly tell me to (with tons of anxiety to boot). it used to bother me, and I now I just feel comfortable telling them to fuck off, and the strangest thing is that makes them happy, and it makes me happy to, that telling them to fuck off makes them happy.
just move away cause it never changes.
Hello Mr. Vaknin. How does one relieve themselves of the constant double layered anger? Thank you, Sharon
Does a wounded Narc ever kill? My stepfather is in the process of wiping me from the face of the earth. He's done so many cruel things, and I wonder how far he'll go. He's somehow got it into his crazy head that I "destroy my mother, ruined my mother, that she's never going to recover because of me." Meanwhile, she's sleeping on a filthy air mattress in his living wasting away from Elder abuse. When she dies I wonder if he'll pursue me as a target.
Ok This is 6 years after you posted this video so I don't know if you will even see this, but I love you! I am laughing so hard, not at you, but because you are describing me! I am not an NPD nor Borderline, nor anything else pathological. I am just a mom of five wonderful children who gets very angry when they behave in a disobedient and disrespectful manner...ok so I admit it...I am very co-dependent. I have it out and rage and behave basically like a lunatic and shout incoherently...I AM altogether a sight to behold. I will say this, that if you ask my children for 2 things that they know is absolutely true about me they will tell you that I hate lying and that I love them more than life itself. Thank you Sam Vaknin. I have the utmost respect for you. Pamela Alexander
Dry drunk? He has no empathy, no guilt? I miss him but not his abuse...He berate's my friends, what ever I do is not right, what he does is right? A.A. is just for losers? He claims he's an alcoholic? but does not need meetings? I was the one...now I'm not? because I wanted him to go to meetings? There is no help. It makes me very sad, and I am starting to understand what you ment about no closure... it's confusing.
yes
@homer1co It can but I would look more toward borderline personality disorder. Then I would look into spiritual healing.
Hello Sam. What about the Psychopaths rage? Thank you for your videos.
I have noticed the trend in our arguments. He, the narcissistic one, will tell me that I am making him “mad”. At that point, I don’t have to say another word. He escalates, and gets louder and faster in his yelling. If I point out that he is now yelling when just before his rage he was speaking normally about how I am making him mad...he will accuse me of yelling, and blowing things up or monopolizing the conversation. I’ll continue to listen, (it is a thankfully long distance relationship with no financial ties between us, so no true harm to myself, household or finances) eventually he hangs up after yelling himself into a frenzy. It must feel quite out of control for him. I usually am happy for the silent treatment and can proceed on with the rest of my day doing all the things I normally do. He identifies himself as the hulk...he is always raging inside and credits me with being able to calm him. Unfortunately, I am not trying to be a source of comfort for him any longer. If he does something that offends me, I tell him. I correct him when he is wrong, disagree with his hijacking of the narrative, and when he blame shifts I hang up.
this sounds all to familiar, i know someone like this who pretended to be my friend.
My ex narc perceived criticism and went into a fit of rage. I've never seen anything like it. It's so weird.
Then isn't it possible that this narcism could be "developed" by constant bullying, or mobbing, even as an adult?
So does it mean if they rage on you or take anger out on you the ‘significant’ other, you are not important, same as waitress or someone?
Sam,
as a narc feel like my comes my own fear of abandonment or forcing me to face the fact that I am not perfect. If I make a mistake for some reason I feel like I should be given a free pass but if I am instead punished I could definitely rage out of control.
John Harvey
I feel like the ex gf narcissist is sulking as she once said what she had to say when i made contact with her but now she's vanished and I think she has blocked me on her phone, I want to know if she has but I dare not try to call her number just so I know
thanks for this info...im divorcing Mr. Potatoes head....ASAP....Lol
if i didnt respond answer phone tex. i get a very bad letter in the mail with threats underlined. some in red. like you will hear me one way or another. nc for 6months
woow
it doesn't help that I'm so much smarter than anyone I know closely besides a few people, like my uncle rob, whos better than me in chess and scrabble.
everyone I know is just jealous of me and if they're not then I'm delusional about that!
a spammer, spamming comments, why? what makes you want to feel self-important, as for accepting and moving on, great, cool, in most cases great, a few people find this impossible in "normal" circumstances.
very good video, I seem to have many traits, I try to be like most of humanity but find myself to be an alien on a strange world, I have been told I have Aspergers, however, the traits and defensive nature of my youth seems to have manifested something that maybe mistaken as Aspergers.
NPD seems to fit quite well how I act and think, however this may not write off Aspergers, seemingly they work hand in glove, often, due to the nature of the condition
I work with a guy who's narcissist. I swear to god that I'm afraid of my safety, and the safety of others. Because I've seen him pissed, and he's always pissed. Plus watching his behavior he seem's unstable. Not to mention I heard from my other co-workers that security had to intervene to stop him from having another fight, yes I said another fight. It happened twice. It could have been just an agruement, but thats besides the point. Best thing is to stay away from him.
He should be fired and complaints lodged to get him out of there. Once your safety or lack of comes into play, then there is no excuse for him sticking around.
this makes a lot of sense. The rest of the world doesn't understand you, cause your too intelligent for it. I say just accept that people don't understand you, and move on.
No I really hate lambos.
like I now think he just likes alcohol. I like some drugs too, so I'm kinda like him. If it makes him happy then what the hell just fucking drink it. But me personally I'll avoid alcohol completely after seeing what it can do to somebody first hand.
Thats why they see us as villains.
Are narcissists the same as borderlines?
No, these are 2 distinct mental health disorder. These may be of help - click on the links: vaksam.tripod.com/faqpd.html and vaksam.tripod.com/faq82.html
My ex had traits of both and histrionic....I'm no doctor, but i believe they intermingle and get worse over time.
Gord Evans Could well be. This is known as "comorbidity" www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq82.html
Raging for 10 hr normal says I provoked no remorse
Early in our marriage, my wife happily explained her occasional anger and bad behavior to me. She was holding a glass of Coke as she said she likes to "shake things up" sometimes, to keep things exciting...
Sir you should be an expert on chain murder and global power!
An absolutely brilliant video providing deep insight into narcissistic rage. Thank you Sam Vaknin
you really are crazy lol, but it's ok. I think you get what i mean.