The Truth About Turning 30 (Wrinkles, Biological Clock, Sex, Confidence & More!)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 ก.ย. 2024
- The truth about AGEING (wrinkles, biological clock and fertility, sex, confidence & more!)...thumbs up if you enjoy videos like this!
30 isn’t the new 20 Ted Talk: • Why 30 is not the new ...
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Comment below and join the discussion this video has prompted! How do you feel about getting older? Share your experiences! 🙏🏻
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Could you touch on watching your parents aging? That’s been one of the toughest things for me growing older.
I touched on it near the end - it's a big fear of mine, but I do need to talk more about that in another video! x
Oh man, the thought of my parents aging just makes me want to cry. I wish I was way closer to them when they were younger and I was a teenager, but instead I spent countless hours on the phone with friends:/
Monicamcs yeah I did the same sadly, or being a bit of an asshole to them. Ugh.
Melanie Murphy yes I would love a video dedicated to that 🥰
@@averageadventurers7451 Same
In my teenage years I was so convinced that I won't live to be 20 (I was very depressed and suicidal), that when I did turn 20 I've had a complete mental breakdown. Now, when I recently turned 25, I was almost ecstatic, so proud of myself. Like, I did it. I survived. And now every year feels like the greatest achievement of my life.
best.comment.ever. I'm SO proud of you!
This is EXACTLY my experience. Exactly. Thank you 💕
I'm 30 and I waisted my 20 working a job I didn't like and led me to mental health issues. Last year, at 29 I quit that job and went back to university. I'm doing great at that, it's hard but I'm working on my future, because even if I'm already in my 30s, I hope my life will be long and full of beautiful experiences.
I don't have my own family yet (not even a boyfriend) but I still hope it will be possible for me.
Everything is possible , its never to late to grow and everyone deserves love❤️❤️
Marta Ballarani I love that you’re owning your life, you deserve greatness! Visualise what you want and act like it’s already your reality. The universe will take care of the rest. Best of luck with university Marta, you’ve got this ♥️
Marta Ballarani Same here. Personally I wish I focused more on starting a family in my 20s (not early 20s but mid/late). I’m 31 and like you I focused on job stuff in my 20s which did not make me happy. Now I’m 31 and wish I had a family. That being said I had a lot of other stuff going on which made that difficult (mental health issues here as well) and I’ve always been a late bloomer. And there’s still time of course so I hope it’s possible for me as well, but yeah. I do think there’s a lot of pressure for us to go to school and find careers, when we have less time than men do for having kids.
I'm 33 and did similar when I was 27 (back to school). Our bioclock is so unfair, because of the pressure of time for family-starting. I relate. In many ways this is the best decade of my life, but I wish I could turn the clock back and not feel under the gun.
@@kimmybrandt everything is harder for us women, and yes that sounds cliche, but it's true. We're always trying our best to "complete" our role but yet we never seem to fully achieve what we're supposed to.
I think a lot of other women are in our same position, I often feel a complete failure, but then again I refuse to give up on myself. I still feel like a teenager (I know I'm not) but I want to push through and hope for the best.
I believe we'll be good. I wish you the best.
I needed this video, thank you! I'm single and turning 30 next year. I went to TH-cam for encouragement for "finding love after 30" and stumbled upon a bunch of videos that had BRUTAL comments. A bunch of men saying terrible things about women aging. Your video and this comment section is what I was looking for!
I am already 31. And I am poor, lonely and slowly becoming sick because of this.
I never had a hug, a kiss or a date. Women have been chronically rejecting me my whole life.
I also failed in establishing myself a healthy career. I managed to get to college. But I was always a slow learner. Despite learning a lot I didn't manage to write good enough grades to successfully finish my degree. After six years I left college with a huge debt and no degree. The only job - where I am still working now - I could find is as a clerk at the local fast food store.
I have nobody and nothing. Always alone.
Yeah the internet is a very odd place, most of these men are also single and unmarried themselves but maybe because they feel like losers next to their married friends and want to feel like they're doing better than someone else in life so they turn to abusing women that are in the same age and same situation as them but by talking about biological clocks and losing value unlike men that "don't lose value" they may be able to console themselves. They then proceed to brag about dating women who were born when the men were 30. The men in happy marriages/single hood aren't on TH-cam bragging though. The Internet is a cesspit and it won't do your mental health any good thinking all of these comments are from sane people.
Hope your life is going as you want it!
I just turned 29 and sometimes I feel 45. I have been married for almost 11 years and my spouse and I were both in the military so sometimes I feel like I’ve lived a bunch of lives already and other times I feel like I completely missed out on my 20s. Because we got married so young, my spouse and I have had to learn how to grow together. It can be difficult but it is rewarding when you are able to work it out. The biological clock can certainly be stressful. I’ve had a lot of miscarriages and so I’ve been taking time away from trying to get pregnant in order to health mentally and physically but at the same time it stresses me out since I’m 29 already. I always wonder how much time is too much time to wait for myself to heal. I personally would love to adopt but my husband wants at least one of his own. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I personally do not have a high sex drive at all and I never really have. It has always made me feel bad about myself and as if I’m not giving my partner what he needs. I know there are other women out there who feel this way (and I know part of it is related to previous sexual trauma) but I wish more women out there would talk about their lack of sex drive too. I feel so pressured to be someone I am not. Luckily my yoga practice has helped me connect with myself and know that I am normal, but there are definitely times when I doubt myself.
I‘m kinda excited to turn 30 this year :) Maybe because I have my life in order... I feel powerful and attractive growing older. I don’t want to be a cute little girl anymore. I want to be a powerful woman.
I love and look up to you so much, Melanie! This is one of my favorite videos you have ever uploaded 😌 It filled me with joy
As a guy I feel bad for women - you guys have it tough nowadays - you have to do EVERYTHING
ehh... not really. Only sexist people think that. We don't HAVE to do anything.
I'm 31 and love being in my 30s. My 20s were such a shitshow, what with graduating with a liberal arts degree in the middle of the 2008 economic crash, my dad dying two years later, coming out, etc., that when I turned 30 I was just like "well thank god that's over."
I occasionally think about children, but I'm in a relationship with another woman and have absolutely no desire to be pregnant so we'd probably go the adoption route if we decide we want kids.
You are so awesome! 😍 It was a pleasure to watch every second of the video! ❤️❤️
i turned 30 recently but i was never sad of leaving my 20s, and i dont understand why ppl freak out, maybe is because i dont want children so i feel no preassure for a biological clock, it was just another age for me, with more money and more adventures, im actually excited to be 40 already😂
This made me feel so much better about everything
aw YAY
I'm 23, turning 24 this year - I've never had a relationship, sex or even a first kiss, not started my career yet, honestly not done most of the things 'young people' are 'meant' to do, like partying and travelling the world. BUT those things aren't for me, and that's fine - I HAVE got a degree, worked, got my finances straight, got a healthy diet and exercise routine, written a novella, marched in protests, made amazing friendships, loved my family, and worked hard on my mental health. Even though my time isn't infinite, I'm on top of what matters to me right now, and the future is full of mystery and potential!
Elise Collins 👏🏻 love this!
I'm also in my early 20s and I appreciate this so much!
You do you gurll💪🏽❤️
That last sentence... man oh man, do I wish I'd felt the same at 23, but I can relate at 27, and I'm so happy that you feel it now. It's a kind of security in yourself that no one can take away from you.
You're me.
I was terrified of turning 30. No job, no partner, no money. Just didn't feel grown up enough for the big 3. From the first day in my 30s I've been totally happy though. Half a year later I finished my bar exam, got a job where I met my now husband and now at 34 I'm pregnant with our second child. Life circumstances can change so quickly, it's ridiculous sometimes.
I’m so glad to read your message. I’m 29 and I’m medical school after a career change. I hadn’t thought about how shit not being financially secure at this age would be like! Reading your message gives me hope xx
i hope you had kids and got married because you wanted to not because you thought you have to seem like you have achieved things.
Dragon Fly what a rude comment! You sound like you’re projecting your own insecurities onto her. Truth is, societal influence or not, many women DO want partnership and children. It’s biological and we shouldn’t feel ashamed by those who are over 30 & single for doing those things.
33 with no stable job no kids no partner, I feel so fucking lonely and sad
@@valenaz86 hey, please be kind to yourself. You deserve all what your heart desires and there is a right time for everyone. I believe there are blessings in disguise and maybe the Universe sends us these dark and depressive years to prepare us for something bigger than we even can think of! You never know how life can change and I really really do believe all can change. I am turning 29 soon and have no job for 2 years, just broke up with a partner and live with my mom, but I believe that everything happens for a reason and there are good times awaiting for me and you and everyone else who have been struggling for too long! All the best!
Your a beautiful young girl, 30 is soooo young . I'm 56 and believe me, you don't really seriously age till over 45, especially if you don't drink booze or smoke and you eat well. I understand the 30 thing I felt like that too, God I want a baby I'm 30, I'm older my time is running out. But by 32 that passes. Visualise your baby, see it happening, don't even think about it not happening. I did and I had my daughter at 41 unplanned and it all turned out fantastic . I know 30 can really feel like scary-ish but it will all be grand. Great videos you look fantastic xx
Bond O'Neill 🥰💚 wise words! Xxxx
Exceptions don't make the rule. Ppoor advise to women to wait until 30+ to settlr down, they become damaged goods, with all baggage, STD, toxic, 304s.
@@arturoreynoso5920 facts
Loving my 30s more then my 20s. I got healthier, better sex life, and became an overall better person. Not to say that can’t happen in your 20s too. Or 40s or 50s. But, honestly I feel like you start to really know yourself better in your 30s.
It’s not happening at 40 or 50 get real
I am already 31. And I am poor, lonely and slowly becoming sick because of this.
I never had a hug, a kiss or a date. Women have been chronically rejecting me my whole life.
I also failed in establishing myself a healthy career. I managed to get to college. But I was always a slow learner. Despite learning a lot I didn't manage to write good enough grades to successfully finish my degree. After six years I left college with a huge debt and no degree. The only job - where I am still working now - I could find is as a clerk at the local fast food store.
I have nobody and nothing. Always alone.
Girls, after a long term relationship I met my new partner at age 33. We had a long distance relationship (me in Germany, he in Italy) and met only once a month. When I was 37 we decided to try to have a child. It didn't seem to make sense to move together (leaving country is not easy) without having a family. We had only one weekend a month and that makes timing a little difficult. But, I got pregnant on the first try and, after an easy pregnancy, had my child at 38, natural birth. Our beautiful daughter will be 14 this year and we are a happy family. Until I was 30 I was convinced that I will never have children and I never imagined to leave my country. But I did.
Wow such a hopeful and encouraging story! Thank you for sharing!
That gives me hope I'm just 26 almost 27
At 37 you are way past having children. Don't bring damaged kids to this world.
It varies so much. I'm 47 and have not gotten any greys yet. My sister was almost completely grey by 25. I have none and have never colored my hair. Wrinkles...I started active anti-aging skin care and daily sunblock as a teenager. I am not even getting fine lines around my eyes, no signs of crow's feet. Tummy area and breast...I have and nursed 5 kids...that's life. I've stayed small and in shape, but the belly will never look the same, especially after twins. I married the right guy at 18...best choice ever, but never thought I would be widowed at 41. Grateful we started our life together young though.
Betsy/BA BF so delighted that you got to have a beautiful life with him while he was with us 💚💚💚💚💚
I am almost 51 and have no greys yet either. I do have some wrinkles now but they aren't that bad. It definitely varies from person to person ...genes, life choices, stress ... all have an effect!
Your sister would be on trend these days with grey hair at 25, since people color them grey these days.
Sorry to hear about your loss. I think you made the right choice of getting married early and getting the family before the career. You will have so many children and grand children to take care of you when that time comes. People often forget that we have children because of two primary reasons: first, to keep the civilization running and letting the next generation take care of maintaining the utilities and produce the food we need when we get older and second, to have somebody take care of us personally when we get sick and/or old. We need children to survive both on personal and societal level. If you flip this logic, not having children is creating a burden on the society, since other people's children will have to make sure you have food and are taken care of when old. It's just how the nature works. I am also 47 and have just one son. We had him when we were in our 30's and as the result my wife did not want to have more, since she was too tired and her career interfered in this too. You are much stronger and durable when you are in your 20's and that's when you should have children. After 30 having a child is a serious effort and you are not young anymore (meaning not in your prime anymore). My wife got pregnant with great difficulties after 30. Fertility drop after 30 is real and can be as much as 20%. 28 is not peak fertility for women, it is prime for men. For women peak fertility is between 18 and 23. After that it levels and towards the end of 20's it starts to drop sadly. That's the biological wall and it usually is around 25 or so.
@@szobione Unfortunately there are many people with children and grandchildren who don't care for them when they are older. Having children is no guarantee of care.
I feel that, I felt so insecure in my 20's that I feel I want those years back. However I would't be like this if I didn't struggle those years.
Susan Figer IG. dream_learn_create THIS 💚
I want my childhood back tho ....like i m 21 but still feel
500 due to psychological pressure that comes with work+studies since 12...i feel life before 7th grade gave me a lot
of time and i wish i had the info to utilize time then but as ik it cant come back i can only make up for it. While people still infantalizing me..
Tho i feel That i more miss the time that i had with my parents as i lost the time because of going to hostel.
Tho i doubt people can be free off insecurities 100% at any age though we r humans with
positives n neegative thoughts which is what life makes beautiful and also makes us feel fulfilled once we have conquered the problem,insecurity n negativity.
Oh my god you dated a couple? Would loveee to hear about ur experience with that thats so interesting
Jodie Marie it was VERY interesting 😂😂😂💚
I would love to hear about that as well
Sounds f***ed up 😄
@@jolie08 Only if you are closed-minded.
@@Argastic I think the key is past tense, datED. Never heard of it lasting.. Cus it's probably awkward once the feelings come into play. Just sounds weird af to me.
I'm turning 23 this year in July, and I'm already starting to feel older. Not physically but the pressure of getting my shit together is weighing on me heavy already. I just started University at 22 when a lot of my friends have already graduated, and although I don't necessarily feel very behind (because a lot of people at my Uni started late as well) I just don't see my future, as in I really can't picture how it's going to be. Seeing my parents get older has also been really difficult, I think that's one of the hardest parts for me.
You're likely much better off starting uni later. So many people start fresh out of high school when they have no idea what they want out of life and end up deep in debt with a degree that's either useless or one they dont want anymore. Going in later with a bit more life experience and sense of self is a much better idea.
Puff Ball as someone who started and finished college earlier than most, i agree with you 100% . if i could go back and change one thing, i would not waste so much time and money trying to get thru college asap and think about what i want more
I turned 25 last year and had two people tell me, "Enjoy this year, it's all downhill from here." But honestly, everything has felt downhill since my teenage years. Mental health issues, 2 chronic illness diagnosis last year, unable to go to college and interact socially, no relationships. Looking at another year of being sick. I really just can't wait for my 30s. I have this feeling they will be amazing - it's when my life will finally get started, when I will finally be healed, when I can finally pursue things to their fullest. I have this weird complex of being both afraid of getting older and really excited. I hate change but also have this "hidden" adventurous side that has been begging to be freed for the last 10 years. I'm anxious to see what this decade brings!
the 20s can be so, SO hard and you're right to be optimistic about the future! :)
its only all downhill if you think it will be. If you think you are old, you will biologically become old. Its scientifically proven.
People who say that stuff are projecting their own lives onto you.
I'm 30, and I find people are completely shocked when I say that because I feel like people in their 20s expect to instantly turn 50-60 when they hit 30! like, I have a few crows-feet if you look at me real hard but I look pretty much the same as I did at 25. I see people saying things like "that Actor doesn't /look/ old enough to be playing 30" or "that video game character didn't age enough to look 30" like fam, what do you think 30 looks like? Lol.
the changes between being 25 and being 30 for me have mostly been mental. I'm a lot calmer then I was, I'm a lot less mad about what other people are up to. I don't feel the need to snoop on people I don't like anymore. I'm a lot more careful about my space, I clean more then I used to. I may have a grey hair or two if i look (my hair is presently pink though, hard to tell) but I think kids in their late teens early 20s worrying about looking old at 30 should know you're gunna be just fine!
OMG yes ! I’m 25 and I dread turning 30 as I think “ oh crap it’s over “ which is stupid 🤣
Exactly! It's like people in their 20s think 30s is the new 90s. Whut?
This was much needed❤️ I’m turning 25 next month and I have so much anxiety about my 30s. I’m still in school , I don’t own my own home yet, and just feel behind with life experiences. Not to mention I want kids but I am in no way mentally ready for that yet haha. This comment was nice to hear.
Ienzo Kozolka Me too! I’m 31 and people constantly think I’m in my early 20s. Which is pretty good given the fact that I partied a lot in my 20s, lol. However I did avoid the sun and I take good care of myself now. The changes have mostly been mental for me as well; I’m far less impulsive and much more mature, and way more confident. But in many ways I’m the same.
So yes, all you 20 somethings- don’t freak out. Just be sure to take good care of yourself. Avoid the sun or wear sunscreen (VERY important!), eat somewhat healthy, have a skincare routine (doesn’t have to be anything crazy) and you’ll be good. :) Not to say aging doesn’t happen and I don’t worry about it, but it’s best not to freak out about it, especially at 30.
Ienzo Kozolka AMEN SISTER AMEN!
I have always thought time was a friend, and in the end, it will always be better to be 80 at some point than not. I have also known people saying that getting older made them happier than they used to be at the "prime of their life" or called so... As a 25 year old, I think this perspective is very reassuring, seeing that every age brings its own treasure
It’s nice to know that I’m not the only 25 year old feeling like this .. at the start I was so stressed about everything when turning 25 .. “ why haven’t I had kids yet and married yet ? Why am I still stuck not knowing what I want to do? Time is ticking and I’m wasting away” I’m slowly getting better and slowly very slowly becoming less afraid of time and living in the moment. I think we all go through this transition period but no one talks about it ❤️
@@GeekyC It is so weird but for me turning 25 was really about "Now you are an adult and you should take action over your own life; you are too old to linger on things that don't bring value to your life". It is not some much about what had been accomplished or not but being fully aware about your choices in life that matter the most to me (In which condition do I wanna have kids ? Or get married ?)
I'm 24 and turning 25 in april and I feel like I've done absolutely nothing productive in my life. I feel stressed out.
Is it just me who spends half the video just watching melanie's eyebrows???
HLouis Bli 😂😂😂😂😂
Lol, I stare at her eye shadow at the creases
They're just so darn expressive and cute!
literally same
If by "eyebrows", you mean "loud eyeshadow", then yes
Nicole Kidman was at her hottest in her 30's and looked weird af at 21...food for thought.
Surgery ?
Rare occasion lol and money.
@@chihirohel9090 30's isn't old lol.
@@chihirohel9090 but she may have had work to improve her previously odd appearance.
@@marvinguzman924 some people look better in their 30's.
As you get older you will look at this video and think you are a child. I am 47 and love the confidence of being this age. The older you get the less you care about what other people think, it’s liberating! Fountain of youth? Stay away from alcohol, sugar and cigarettes, sun in moderation. Exercise everyday and increase good quality protein and healthy fats. Don’t go vegan, you will age in dog years. Stay passionate about whatever you do!
blanchetv 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
I’m 32 and have had 12 years of two toxic relationships. All I’ve ever wanted is a family of my own. 8 months single and I’ve finally met someone! Thanks for this video Mel, I don’t feel so alone in my worries.
This gives me so much hope xxx
I am already 31. And I am poor, lonely and slowly becoming sick because of this.
I never had a hug, a kiss or a date. Women have been chronically rejecting me my whole life.
I also failed in establishing myself a healthy career. I managed to get to college. But I was always a slow learner. Despite learning a lot I didn't manage to write good enough grades to successfully finish my degree. After six years I left college with a huge debt and no degree. The only job - where I am still working now - I could find is as a clerk at the local fast food store.
I have nobody and nothing. Always alone.
*RE: the fertility chat part of the video* - anyone who ignored my wording around fertility/feels worried that I don't understand the latest research on this, please replay what I actually said before commenting. THIS is the consensus on modern research: "While 35 doesn't actually represent a hard stop for your fertile years, your fertility IS at its peak between your late teens and late 20s & declines gradually throughout your adult life. The downward sloping line between age and fertility DOES steepen in the mid-30s. At age 30, your chance of natural pregnancy is about twenty per cent each month and your chance of pregnancy with IVF is about forty two percent each time you try, by 40, those chances drop to about five per cent and twenty per cent, respectively. Additionally, your chances of genetic abnormality (resulting in no pregnancy/miscarriage/genetic disorders for the baby) increases from 25% to 60-80% *in the same decade*." And when I discuss the whole biological clock thing in this video, I'm kind of covering NOT wanting to be a 60 year old with a teenager on top of other things I forgot to touch on (didn't want the video to be an hour long)...but as I said, you CAN get pregnant in the 30s and 40s, it can be harder and we should all be open to adoption as there are so many kids in the world without parents. Please don't panic lol, my fear AS I SAID is related to the fact that my doctor is sending me for more tests thinking I have PCOS which absolutely makes things more difficult xxxxxxxxxxx
I do understand this so i am not one of those people but still just commenting and hope you be
healthy with the pcos and stuff. I ve only got temporary amenorrhea so idk about how hard it is but still.😊
I m 21 but feeling old eversince i got 12 and it worsened at 18(felt like i ve been alive
forever like 500 idk how thats possible) 😅...probably cuz of
psychological stress though ...and how people expect a lot from you but actually treat you like you know nothing/or
infantalize you just because they are older and you are younger no matter how old you are ..😔
I also think saggy chest happens even to below 18 ppl if when you remove the bra so (i had that at 16) so i guess it can happen before 30 too.😥
Got amenorrhea(no or skipped periods at 16 too so i guess i dont have to wair for age to gimme insecurities(tho i hav
less cuz i already decided since 12 (ik sounds lot less of a age to think about marriage at but ppl kept talking about my marriage since 10 so i had to give em an
answer lol) that if i dont find someone i like or relationships dont work out in future i d
adopt kids)as marriages arent a 100% possibility.😅
I also knew that i dont want to change surnames changed at
marriage so we both should want to change surnames to a
single decided surname which is from neither party to avoid the whole (i want a boy to carry family name or any other unfairness)😊
I didnt wanna seperate from my parents so i knew i wanted a person who d agree with staying in same house like a joint family and i d have to make that happen.😄
I knew i had to communicate a lot before starting any sort of relationship at all and i decided all this by thinking and researching from 10-16yrs of age so i feel any age of person
below 30/20(idk about below 10 tho possibly if they have delveloped that much critical thinking which is quite rare)
can realize,research,understand and decide what they want as long as the do decide to look at what marriage is realistically. 😊
I do admit that such people are less because while ppl in my school were dating at 12 and less -16 and thinking they d
marry the same person thy r dating just cuz thy love each other similar to hollywood movies i knew thats not gonna happen as reality is quite
different so not everyone realizes everything at the same age because its social/environmental/parental
conditioning that plays a role. Than just age alone.😔
I ve got stretchmarks at different places since 16(possibly less since i didnt notice em)😯
And i feel like i ve had wrinkles since after 16 on my hands and other places feet tho thy may not be noticeable to people.😅.
Also ik ppl with premature grey hair (my classmate had grey hair at 13) and i feel like i ve got Premature wrinkles and well
my hair do fall out too if stress gets more or i do something wrong ever since i was a child since.😐
We also change appearances not just couple of years but including months if we do
something different with our diet,bodycare.😑
You get cavities and your teeth may still fall out even before 20 (my teeth would have cuz i ve got 4 cavities n one root canal by 18)😭 that hurts.
But i see you and many other 30+yos who ve got good skin and you look beautiful obviously with your effort when
i dont see 30-/20- ppl as beautiful as them despite the care. I dont wish to compare but is real.😱
Feminists: people who dont talk about physical issues just because they are taboos arent they more like anti-feminists?
Because feminist means equal treatment to both genders it should have no ban on not
talking about your physical/psychological issues they arent feminists more like
pseudofeminists who think they are feminists but they arent. 😑😨
so i doubt its all easy just cuz we are below 30. 😣😅
Well for sex drives idk lol i am an ace and also idk how to measure it.😐
I dont necessarily think you NEED to date a lot just to know what qualities you want in a
person and what kind of people you know are toxic for you 😌..if someone just researches a bit
about healthy/toxic relationships,relationship abuse/councilling/boundaries/safety/health,relationship/sex education and more. 😇
for eg. I knew right after just meeting toxic people that i wouldnt want such ppl in my
life even as friends let alone relationship, and as i found good people i knew i d want em as aquaintainces and friends even though i didnt want to be
in relationship with them we can seperate good and bad qualities from people we meet
and regardless of what relationship we want we would like as good qualities as possible in people for eg. I met
physical/verbal/psychological/sexual assaulter/abuser/bully, toxic/negative/unkind
/unreasonable/presumptuous/ passive aggressive/hostile people ever since childhood till getting
as old as 21(despite people infantalizing me). And all this gave me a pretty good idea that almost all relationships require similar kind of people to be a better relationship eg. You would want your colleague,classmate,teacher,parent,friend to be understanding,kind,patient,relatable,friendly,loyal,caring,comfortable and alot more
and not any of toxic abusers i mentioned above.though critera less closer relationships like.
colleagues,and teachers may require less of those qualities as compulsion we would like our close relationships to have similar traits.😊
You searched for whether someones a match for you from all your aquaintainces after marriage while i am still
searching for ppl worth being in realtionship with because if i get into a relationship 😅 i Do want a possibilitiy of marriage not a casual relationship or
easily breakable one and since i already knw which kind of ppl i dont want in my life and which kind i do as friends or as lovers ik easily which i cant be with And wouldnt work out even if i was in a relationship with them.😄
And i d also have to discuss things about living,surname change,after marriage with them because these are rare things here including other
necessary things i d have to discuss n check with them from consent,their understanding of. Healthy vs abusive
relationships,establishing ccommunication and more.i feel it takes more time to know someone than Just start a
relationship because you. Are attracted to them/or from. physical affection.. 😊because i wish to start a relationship through verbal communication
And only then move to physical Affection because verbal communication gives you an direct idea of whether
relationship d continue or no and even gives you an Option to communicate to. get over
those hurdles than finding out later that it wont work out.it also wont cause consent
issues that cause abuse. 😣 nor will it waste the time and effort put in a relationship if you already knw what u want and what you
Dont along with the red flags.😨 Because communication and meeting with people and people near em reveals a lot more about them than physical affection. 😃
I seriously wish relationship(all not just romantic)/sex education was taught in schools so ppl dont hav to rely on luck of social conditioning for it.
People who make topics tabooos when communucation is necessary are quite narrow minded which hurts them and others too its sad to see and they pseudo-feminists definitely
shouldnt call themselves feminists(who actually support these conversations) because it makes actual feminists be misunderstood.😬😠 its sad they treat yyou that way.
I also dont feel that all people below 30 feel the need for performance due to 18+ stuff because no everyone watches
18+ stuff and for people who have or do accidentally or willingly many of them do
realize that 18+ industry is just like movie version of 18+ but fake n unrealistic hence its humanly not possible lot of
18+stars,and articles explain it for people who dont watch it in documentaries and blogs that lot of things actually need props and arent real.😅
Also i d think instead of being best in just one thing its better if both people get to have the best relationship they have ever had in their lifetimes which is
what d keep the relationship together as sex is quite small part of life regardless of the drive because whats needed
after the spark gets usual and habituated to is mutual understanding,care,space,comforting,communication,helping each Other and more.😊
My mom lost her 1st tooth after 50 approx i think and my dad hasnt lost any at 63 and my
dad started dyeing due to white hair at 35 but my mom started at 40.😅 tho for you its at 30.
So i guess all things that are generalized have a lots and of exceptions. Especially because realistic things get the least exposure while most flashy or a bit more commmon
things get a lot of exposure so even though general exceptions are everywhere we tend to notice lot of generalizations alone.😃
Ik this is long 😓 but topic was quite Deep so just had to explain.😊
Stuff above is just my experiene which may b a bit different from yours but in no way does
our opinions being different(idek. If thy r Different tho cuz you didnt say it happens to all but just in case) negate our experiences.. also only opinion i have different is that many things that are caused by ageing also happen without us ageing and
sometimes may not happen. Despite ageing to all people since everyone just has different situations and body
types. 😃 Obviously you didnt say it happens to all but just giving an optimistic possibility of exceptions for everyone and myself(well i ve gone through premature ageing since 12-16 n faced some of things you did before so not that i can b optimistic but for others)😄
I hope you stay healthy.😊💙💚
Pretty sure the best time is age 25/26 for the best chance for mother and baby :-) The body physically reaches its peak at 25 as does brain development. Great time to have children. Also, by then you would have some adult life experience, and some sort of idea of how children need to be raised.
Katrina Maree Brain is not fully developed until 30 not 25
It can be hard even for women in their 20 so it can be harder for some women but not necessarily in general because it doesn’t only depend on age as I said some women in their 20s can try over and over again with no luck
I’m turning 25 this year and I’ve started looking at getting older as a blessing because not everyone has that opportunity! Although of course, even though the brain knows that, there’s always anxieties that come with getting older as well. Just wanted to say that I LOVED this video, Melanie! You’re one of my favorite people on youtube ever 💖
Rose Hi Rose,
We don’t know each other personally but I can say that suicide is never the right answer. Please don’t do it. It’s a permanent decision that will hurt not only you but the people who love you. Success looks different for everybody at different times in their life and that’s why we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others around us. I’m really not qualified to give professional advice but as person to person, I think you’re doing great - post grad is a really difficult time to transition into and lots of people struggle. It’s a time for trial and error and if you find that you don’t like your career, you can always change it! You’re not alone and have achieved so much already! Be kinder to yourself and your heart. I encourage you to talk to somebody about how you’re feeling or call a suicide prevention hotline if you feel more comfortable talking to somebody else.
Yes on the spirituality vid!!!! Strangely I don't fear ageing at all. Like, at all. But I also work as a hospice nurse so certainly that shapes my perception. I mean I daily see 102 year old that sure, does not look like she's in her twenties. And sometimes forgets everything, but she's living her life! Her memories, bossing around others and National Geographic specials on telly - she enjoyes it like she's ten. I'm 25 right now and the only two things I fear are pain and regret, nothing else.
Yep I’m a palliative np with some hospice on the side. 60s are young for me. I’m 29. I definitely don’t feel old. I don’t want to have regrets like some people I treat do.
Nikki Dedmond Do you mind sharing some of the common regrets you hear?
Bre Thinks most of it revolves around family. An example, a man whose power of attorney was his son that he’d only seen 4 times. He had very few people in his life at all. When confronted with the state of his health, he was more distraught than most people I’ve seen. He was so alone and wanted time to make up for things.
On the flip side, I have an elderly lady who stayed with a man she didn’t love. He passed away and she struggled, but it seemed to be more about conflicting emotions as she saw him as a burden when he was alive.
Multiple people have told me they regret being ungrateful to their parents and to cherish them.
My grandma married at 16 and never finished high school. That was her biggest regret.
Not saving money also is actually a huge one. This for more practical reasons as healthcare is outrageous in the US.
What I don’t hear is wanting to travel more or regretting not achieving something. However, many times those are some things that come up that people are most proud of, so maybe they just don’t share that with me.
The people who are most accepting of their death are the ones with good support systems. Less complicated relationships.
@@amateurastronomer9752 from my experience the most commonly mentioned things are not mending relationships that could've been saved, being married or with someone that was treating them badly and worrying so much, because all of the stuff seem meaningless in hindsight. Never heard anyone mention money, but I'm from Poland, not USA. Also lots of patients are confused and not at all there, so they aren't aware of their situation. And good chunk of them are happy with their life and wouldn't want to change anything, they just want to tell their stories. PLEASE EVERYONE WHO READS THIS, CONSIDER VOLUNTEERING AT YOUR LOCAL HOSPICE.
Nikki Dedmond Wow all of that is super interesting. Thanks for sharing!
I turned 30 late last year and I suddenly found myself worried about children. My entire life I've been stringently, firmly childfree. Then I recently had some pain in my pelvis and discharge that was unusual, so I went to the GYN. Turns out I might have a (very small) fibroid in my uterus. It sent me into this sudden headspace of, "Wait, I might be infertile? I physically might not be able to have a kid?" and suddenly I wanted to have a kid. I'm still exploring that knee-jerk reaction, but coming up against some kind of physical barrier to something you thought you could do or have before - whether the barrier be aging or ovarian problems or what have you - always fucks with your head a bit.
As for wrinkles and grays - yup, me too. I suddenly have fine lines under my eyes and gray hairs on the top of my head and I'm like, "?!". I'm with you, though - I'd rather age gracefully. Did you know filler can migrate under your skin and there's a chance it could damage your nerves, or affect your eyesight? The risk just isn't worth it to me at this point in my life. Your health gets more and more precious as you get older; I just can't see myself risking an aspect of it for vanity when we're all going to be old and wrinkly one day anyway (if we're lucky).
I spent my 20s building my career, moving around to different states and cities, and doing a ton of travel. I've been traveling around the world for a year and a half straight at this point while working remotely and God, I love my life. I feel like I didn't waste my 20s either. I have a great partner who I can see myself marrying - he's Northern Irish! We met in Portugal and have been inseparable ever since.
It resonated with me so much when you said we all have agency in our lives. I wish more people would wake up to how much control they have over their lives if only they'd just reach out and grab it. Just because something is hard and scary and will take work doesn't mean it's impossible.
I also became way, way more confident in myself as I got older and accomplished more and learned more and did more. I love and appreciate my body and my appearance way more, too, and my fucks bucket is also nearly empty. Yay for that at least!
Agoraphobication I loved this! Thanks for sharing ❤️
Its really cool how you share your story ...i got temporary amenorrhea since 15 so obv possibility of kids is less and
now 21 and its on and off as long as i sleep...but for me possibility of kids n marriage before that too was like.
60%possible-40%not possible so it wasnt that much of a shock as i knew about the
adopting option(dont call me strange for thinking about possible adoption at 12 yo its
cuz ppl were discussing my marriage since 10 and i was annoyed cuz i knew that. Not
everyone marries and thy should deserve a great life regardless)...😊
It sounds trivial in all the other things mentioned but the acne side of things is so painfully relatable. I had acne from 11 until now at 29 and it's finally starting to fade from drinking more water and wearing no make-up...so now my 30's are prob gonna bring a barrel load of wrinkles, giving me no time to enjoy my normal, non-orangey, non-cakey face?? arggh! We spend our adolescence behind so many different masks - turns out mine was made from 5 layers of Maybelline powder :D
I love this conversation being started, but it does scare me. I do care about how I look, ever since I became a teenager I’ve been one of those people who looked 3-5 years younger than I actually am and to be honest, it makes me happy, so what will happen when it stops, you know? I don’t want my confidence to be rooted in how young I look and it’s something that I need to work on. My health is something that I’m more concerned about. Going to the doctor is expensive and right now it’s too expensive. I hope it’s something that I can do very very soon. As for happy things, I got married at 24, am 26 now and am very very happy with it!💛 I love doing just regular life things like grocery shopping and watching movies with my husband💛
its so sad how society conditions us into thinking looking younger = better. All because the patriarchal society creepily idolizes youth in women. Its not true, imo women in their 40s/50s are the hottest. Not that it matters, and not that your appearance has any part in your worth.
I'm 19, but I feel like 50 who has let life go without living it to it's full potential
I’m 25 and I feel like this also .. your not alone .. many of us are going through this but sadly don’t talk about it ❤️
you have soooo much time to get it together, there’s a lot of pressure for us to have it all together at an early age but take your time. your journey is only yours, don’t compare yourself to anyone and focus on yourself!
I'm 23 but I feel the exact same. For me, it's a lot to do with lacking agency. I know that shouldn't be an excuse, but I don't feel I have control of my surroundings or my life. I'm waiting to save up enough to have more control over my life. Renting is so expensive and so many people of our age group can't do the things that older people could do at our age e.g. save up for a house while having those holidays. We don't have the funds for those 'markers' of adulthood, like permanent jobs, not living at home or traveling. It's a waiting game. I'm waiting to be in my job for a reasonable amount of time to then progress, I'm waiting for a better job to save more and I'm waiting for those savings to be able to do more fun and independent things. This makes me feel 50 and old before my time, despite the contradiction of not doing the 'adult' things.
It probably sounds cliche at this point, but you really do have a lot of time ahead of you! I'm speaking from an American perspective, so I don't know how much it'll resonate when I say any of this, but I think it's easy to feel like that at 19 because society expects you to have some idea of what you want by the time you're 17 or 18, maybe even earlier (I could go on whole tangents about how we idolize musical prodigies, teenage Olympians, college athletes, etc.). That was my experience, at least. But the way it actually panned out, my life didn't really start taking the shape I wanted it to until I was 24 or 25. But now that I'm actually on a path I want to be on... it's not that the fear of having wasted my time has totally gone away, but I'm better at shifting my perspective back to the things I'm working on now and why they excite me. I'm better at looking forward instead of back. I think a lot of it comes down to just running with the decisions you feel are right for you -- not so much for who you'll be decades down the road, but for who you'll be in a few months to a few years. And eventually, you start making those decisions with more and more certainty in who you are, and more and more openness to who you could become.
Sorry for the wall of text, lol -- hang in there, friend! You'll sort everything out.
Im 19 as well, at times my feelings do resonate with yours. My friends often reprimand me ( all in good nature 🤣) for not being more outgoing, and this makes me feel as if i could be enjoying life better had i been any different. But the truth is, you have to find what works best for you which will eventually lead you to things you enjoy most.
I see everyday as an opportunity for introspection- things i can do, things i can change not for the sake of my peers but for the longevity of my own happiness.
I'd love to hear you talk about spirituality - we have very similar beliefs I think!
I would love that too!
I feel like we have so little time of real youth. Our bones stop growing at 21 and four years later we start having wrinkles. Most of us have 4-5 years of weird teenage stage, then a few more of i-can-drink-now-and-don’t-really-have-any-responsibilities and then we start aging. And the process of accepting that continues till we die basically, because we won’t stop changing. So ideally 40-50 years of “ok, that’s fine, everyone has to go through this”. If middle age starts at 35 this should mean we look/feel the best then, not that in another 35 we’ll end up as raisins 🤷♀️
literally was just thinking about this today. like you should hit your prime at 45-50 technically
I recently turned 22 and I go through these phases where I one day think of myself as having my whole life in front of me and other days where I feel like I have already wasted so many years being negative and stressing around. So even at my age, I am so happy to hear your thoughts on the matter of ageing xx
I believe you can age, without seeming old. Too many focus on the outward appearance, but for me, I believe the key is keeping that spark in your heart. Accepting your age and being happy is very youthful. Run, or walk your own race and don't compare yourself to others.
I’m 22. I have PCOS. I do not want to carry a child. I’d never judge a woman for wanting a child. I may want a child later on. Good thing, I’m bisexual so maybe I’ll have a partner who can carry our child. Maybe not and I’ll adopt. Maybe I’ll never have a partner or a child. I’ll be fine with or without any of these things. I mainly want a house and to get a degree in one of my many interests.
I think that is the sad part about being young- we do not appreciate it and waste our youth with self abuse
But, we have a choice to stop going that now and just learn to love ourselves and make the best of it all
Beauty, and self worth are not age dependent, nor have an expectation date
You look gorgeous, I hope you know and treasure that
The older I get the more the quote "youth is wasted on the young" is resonating with me
xcobmi I totally agree!
I haven’t even started the video yet and already reading the comments I know I’m going to love it and relate so hard. I’m 25 about to turn 26 in April and I’m TERRIFIED. Due to my mental health I’ve become reliant on my fiancé and Nan .. I can’t go out alone or do the most simple things. I spend my days in my home not going outside for about a month at a time and I just feel like I’m counting down the hours until my life is over. Most of my life I’ve always felt like I’m just floating in the world .. I don’t stick to anything and stay there. And I hate it. But recently I’ve been feeling something and I hope it grows. I want to try and go out and find myself and love myself and do things for me. I don’t know what but I just have this inner feeling that I have to do it. Ageing scared me because of the obvious .. I’m scared of dying .. I’m scared of my now 10 year partner dying before me and me being alone .. I’m scared of losing my nan .. but I’m slowly very slowly accepting that it’s life. My fiancé isn’t ready for kids yet .. but I have a tiny urge to have them now .. because of my age I think I need to have them now which is stupid.
Just thank you Mel .. you have given a voice to many people who clearly face these anxiety’s with life and it’s SOO reassuring to know I’m not alone thanks you. So much love to you for this. I know after I finish watching this I’m going to feel so reassured ❤️❤️
Geeky Carlys I just want to say I’ve felt the same way you have the last year. Just like I was floating and counting down the days haha. I think for me it stems from fear of not living a full life but my anxiety holds me back from living that life.
@@kickinitwithjess I have that now and I'm 27. I need to figure out how to not feel like a floater.
Be glad you have a fiancé and supportive family - that makes it easier and you will get on track with whatever you feel you'd like to be doing:)
I like that I had kids young, because I feel that I blame my aging body, or accept it on that fact. I had 4 kids. The last one at age 31. That was the best pregnancy mentally, but physically my best one was at 27 and 29. My first child at 24 was way too young for me. My body didnt like it, and it was such a huge shock to me mentally.
I married at 21. We were both the same age, we had experienced teenage years together, early adulthood, and had the same hopes and dreams. We were/are inseparable. Similar hobbies, and wasnt a fan of the hookup culture or social scenes. I doubt I would handle being a single person in the dating world as it exists today.
I think that I enjoyed my 20s. I do not regret it. People used to laugh at us saying we were young, and we should be out enjoying the world. But I do not feel as though I missed out on anything. We had fun, we had kids, we are now still having fun with the kids. Soon they will be grown up, and I am sure we will be having even more fun doing things we couldnt do in our 20s due to lack of money.
We all have different life journeys, I was lucky enough to find the perfect person for me who was dreaming of the same journey.
Katrina Maree loveeeee this! So happy for you 💚 people are so stupid. They act like having a family is a death sentence 😂
@@melaniemurphyofficial People have to prepare for anything to happen and to accept it when it does. If you find the perfect person at age 18, great, if not until you are 80, fine. But what gets me, is some people have the perfect person, and they don’t even try, because for so many selfish reasons.
I think my 30s, are by far the best years for me.
@@katrinamareen beautiful, loved reading about your journey, thanks for sharing..God bless you and your family :)
My mum had me at 21, my sister at 24, brother at 26 and my youngest sister at 32.
I'm almost 27 and don't want children, people are shocked by this and ask how my boyfriend feels about it, obviously we've discussed it and are on the same page, I also get judged for not wanting to get married. Again were both happy as we are, we've been together 5 and a half years, have just bought a house and picture getting old and grey together regardless. My main concern is I'm from Australia and he's English, I've accepted that I'm here now as I couldn't leave him to go back but I worry about my aging family back home and how much of my life they miss out on.
Money probably stresses me more now than when I was 20, I have enough and I've always been good/borderline hoarder with my money but I'm at a point where I feel like I should be stashing it away and making a huge pile for later in life when really I should just enjoy it. I definitely feel like sex has changed in the last year or 2. It used to be all hot and heavy and as often as possible. Now my sex drive is far lower but it's more meaningful/better when it does happen. I'm very self conscious due to weight gain/health etc but thankfully I have a great partner that's always interested and excited by me regardless.
What a long comment... oops.
JeSSiMKah thank you so much for sharing it! I really love learning more about you all...it makes this whole TH-cam thing far more meaningful to me 💚
@@melaniemurphyofficial thank you for reading and replying and for sharing first! Loving your content recently 💚😊
Girlfriend, you are only 30! That isn't even old! You haven't even truly aged yet! Also, why are you losing teeth?! You're only 30, not 70!
Liz look at the diets kids have been fed since the 90s lol this isn’t unusual and it blows my mind that so many commenters are baffled that time brings increased likelihood of tooth decay, gum disease, oral cancer etc, you don’t wake up at 70 and lose your teeth 😂 it happens over time! I look after my teeth way more NOW than when I was like 16-20. But it’s time...time changes our bodies. I didn’t say I’m old once in this video ... ?
@@melaniemurphyofficial Being the same age myself and a nurse, it is unusual that you're experiencing health issues like oral decay leading to tooth loss at 30. Are westernized countries rampant with processed foods? Absolutely! Except that by the third decade of life we have had more than enough time to correct those habits seeing as we've been adults for quite some time therefore preventing the issues you've described. Also, you are correct, you didn't verbatim say you were old, but the tone of your video certainly said so.
I love all the content you've been putting up recently, especially everything related to skin care
I’m 34 and my life has, on the whole, been everything I never wanted. It is an enormous disappointment and if I could I would press the restart button. I thought I had so much time, but I had a lot less than I had expected
Ronniechops you still have time!!!!!
*Same*
I am already 31. And I am poor, lonely and slowly becoming sick because of this.
I never had a hug, a kiss or a date. Women have been chronically rejecting me my whole life.
I also failed in establishing myself a healthy career. I managed to get to college. But I was always a slow learner. Despite learning a lot I didn't manage to write good enough grades to successfully finish my degree. After six years I left college with a huge debt and no degree. The only job - where I am still working now - I could find is as a clerk at the local fast food store.
I have nobody and nothing. Always alone.
in the same boat. it's crazy
@@melinafiol hii
Home girl looks 21 not 30 age is only a number
Oh my lord, I am 32 and I am SO SAD looking back thinking about how much I didn't realise my power and beauty when I was younger. I don't think I even considered myself ANYWHERE on the desirability scale in my early 20s. Now that I am in my 30s and married, I'm only now finding my confidence (partially through accepting and caring for my ageing body more) and my self-love truly and I wish I had had just a little more fun early on. I didn't really date because I was so scared to be rejected or hurt. Now, down the line, it's easy to look back and go... that was so silly. I was such a hotty. I could have had so much fun. Instead I chose to lock myself away.
But what’s the worth in ‚having fun‘ ? Trust me, you did everything right. I dated a lot of men (I am 24 years old) and it just messed me up mentally. I don’t even think that I am really able to form a true connection now.
The thing is, you did what you thought to be the right thing back then. You couldn't have acted differently, so don't beat yourself up about things "that could have been". Everyone wishes to exerience something he hasn't had the chance to but you really don't know whether this experience would have made you happy.
I am turning 26 by the end of this month, and I can totally relate. My prime years were around 21-24 but I wasted them away thinking I am not attractive and dont deserve to feel confident (possibly one of the symptoms of crippling depression). Now that I am showing signs of aging ( I get mistaken for a 30something already eventhough I led a very healthy life until now except being mentally ill )I feel so regretful :/ . Looking at my old pictures I realized that I was pretty but I didn't use that potential at all...
You don't understand how biology works. If you would have had fun and taking more to the gut you would have had a harder time pair-bonding, more men would be passing you over, you would have developed a satiation four chasing Alpha men who do not commit and going into your forties you would look back and wish you did the opposite. My advice to you is to stay in your marriage and accept the fact that women can't have it all because clearly you don't understand men. Our Prime ears are actually from 40 and up words so that guy can leave you and get a younger woman. Appreciate Your Man
I am already 31. And I am poor, lonely and slowly becoming sick because of this.
I never had a hug, a kiss or a date. Women have been chronically rejecting me my whole life.
I also failed in establishing myself a healthy career. I managed to get to college. But I was always a slow learner. Despite learning a lot I didn't manage to write good enough grades to successfully finish my degree. After six years I left college with a huge debt and no degree. The only job - where I am still working now - I could find is as a clerk at the local fast food store.
I have nobody and nothing. Always alone.
Honestly I didn’t think you were in your thirties. You literally look 22
I'm 33, almost 34. Sex has never been a desire or a thought. I was 29 and stopped one day and was like, should I have had a relationship by now, should I have had a crush by now, why haven't I thought of what type of people I'm drawn to? It was a bizarre wake up when many of my friends had solid relationships for years or were married, and I spent many hours look online and realized I fall into the asexual spectrum. The hardest thing I'm noticing about knowing I am asexual (before I didn't even think about it) is that I worry I will miss out on something I might have loved in life, like having someone as a life partner (though I have my twin as a constant) and to experience children in my life. It's a bizarre, gut feeling, but I feel content single and being able to pace my life just around me. I just notice it is so hard already to relate to other's, and I know it will just be a bigger build up as I age. I wish you the best in your new decade and new chapter to your life! It is so wonderful seeing you so honest to yourself and with yourself.
Randi Willett so happy that you are content ❤️ focus on building a kick ass family of friends! ❤️
Randi Willett I’m 31 and I relate a lot to your experience,I thought I fell somewhere in the asexual spectrum but now I realize,it was because I was fed the normalization of hook up culture so much,I thought I was odd,I never liked the thought of sex with just anyone.Im not saying this is the case for you,just saying just because something seems to be the norm doesn’t mean there aren’t other fulfilling ways to live life and you never have to change to earn your spot in society,I hope you find what is right for you and not despair because I know how difficult it could be going against the grain.
I'm 31 and have not been with anyone now for over 5 years. My drive is literally like 0 and it was in my last relationship that it started dying, but I don't know why and was largely - I believe - the reason he went off with someone else. Now I'm in some really strange place where I don't know if I want to be with someone or not and feel I don't have much to offer anyone, in any aspect apart from just myself.
I'm 26 and currently doing my masters abroad. I've been married for almost 2 years and while focusing on my studies, I've been dependent on him financially. This really lowered my self esteem even though he has always been sweet and supportive. This year I've started feeling like I'm aging because I feel that I need more time to myself to get out and do things. I need more charging time so to say. Sometimes I feel like I'm behind when I compare myself to my peers who make good money already, but I try to accept myself and my life story as it is. Aging scares me and what'll happen to my body after birth terrifies me, so it's encouraging to hear you talk about these things.
Özge Dilara Uçar kinda like that High School Musical song lol...’we’re all in this together’ 🥰💚
I’m 29 and I gave birth last year. My body looks great, there’s nothing to be scared of if you take the time and take care of your body while still pregnant. If you do that then you don’t have anything to worry about.
@@HollywoodingNews that's nice to hear! Thank you so much! 💚
I'm 21 and I needed this. The future doesn't seem so bad.
Same here. Just turned 21 and I already get so scared
I am already 31. And I am poor, lonely and slowly becoming sick because of this.
I never had a hug, a kiss or a date. Women have been chronically rejecting me my whole life.
I also failed in establishing myself a healthy career. I managed to get to college. But I was always a slow learner. Despite learning a lot I didn't manage to write good enough grades to successfully finish my degree. After six years I left college with a huge debt and no degree. The only job - where I am still working now - I could find is as a clerk at the local fast food store.
I have nobody and nothing. Always alone.
You are so well spoken and I love listening how passionate you are when you speak. Your words are so insightful and definitely gave me some peace with how I’ve been feeling lately.
Loved this Melanie. Ageing is pretty scary when you think about it but you’ve hit the nail on the head with everything you’ve said (hey that rhymes). I’d love to see a full video of your take on the world and how you were saying that everything is made up of energy. All that stuff really fascinated me so I’d love that. Fab video 👏🏻👏🏻❤️❤️
I’m turning 30 next month and I am basically starting life over from scratch. I was a musician for most of my 20s and had a lot of fun and am proud of what I accomplished...but I also got addicted to drugs. I got clean when I was 25 but then got chronic health issues that basically stole my late twenties from me. I was close to recovery in 2019 and then my brother died. Next thing you know it’s a new decade and I have no degree,no career prospects (I’m in the adult industry so there’s a time limit on how lucrative things are) I don’t even have a drivers license lol.
BUT the point of sharing my sob story is that it’s not too late to start over!! I am taking classes at a community college, I have creative projects, and I focus on my health and being there for my family. I’m glad that I’ve lived an unconventional life despite the heartache and I’ve come out on the other side with time to start over and be a normal person someday. 30 is still young, the only thing I really worry about is the fertility aspect😱.
Thnx for sharing your story. I got a bit startled at the "normal person" part at the end there, as that seems like the kind of language that leads to wanting to be impossible to attain things. (And I kind of struggle with it.)
I can relate... I dont even have a driver's license at 24. It's like my biggest insecurity. 😅😅
You're in your 30's??????? I thought u were early 20s
1991 shits nearly here
One problem with the grey hair thing is media and society tells us people don’t start going grey until their 30s/40s. In reality that’s just outrageously untrue. Part of it is genetics and not age, and so many teenagers start aging (including me, starting to get grays at 13 years old). My grandma went gray at 16. It’s totally normal but due to society we feel ashamed and that we need to hide it. And unfortunately I still feel ashamed to fully embrace it because I have already gotten people noticing and their opinions do still effect me. It’s something I want to embrace eventually but I do still feel “too young” to even though I’ve had it for 14 years!!
Yes! I started going gray at 18 and felt SO self-conscious - people would always comment on how unusual and unfair it was to have gray hairs so young. I didn't actually care about the aesthetics, I thought silver hair was cool, but people's stupid comments and judgement made it awful. Now I'm almost 30 and I spend a ton of money constantly dyeing my hair so people don't think I'm ancient 🙄
Li Lo yes! That’s the hard part, other people feeling it’s necessary to comment on in a way that’s negative! When that happens often it definitely makes it hard to not want to hide
Cheers from a 25 year old constantly freaking out to have my youth unlived and unaccomplished. This video encourages me to be more grateful for what I have. This is so important. Thank you ♥️
I am already 31. And I am poor, lonely and slowly becoming sick because of this.
I never had a hug, a kiss or a date. Women have been chronically rejecting me my whole life.
I also failed in establishing myself a healthy career. I managed to get to college. But I was always a slow learner. Despite learning a lot I didn't manage to write good enough grades to successfully finish my degree. After six years I left college with a huge debt and no degree. The only job - where I am still working now - I could find is as a clerk at the local fast food store.
I have nobody and nothing. Always alone.
I had a elderly gentleman tell me the other day that "You have to be strong to be able to get old, because it's a lot harder then what you think." and it kinda blew me away, I haven't stopped thinking about it. I has kind of inspired me to improve who I am and be strong when I get old but I want to be beautiful, I'm trying to look after my skin and to eat and be healthy. I want to be strong mentally and physically and spiritually and not just when I'm older but now, So I can enjoy my time on this earth and not waste time. There's not a lot of it.
I just turned 22 and will finish my Bachelors degree this spring. Still living at home, no job yet... and most of my twenties still in front of me. The potential and expectations are so high but so are the pressure to succeed and the fear of failure.
Let's see what this decade holds for me... :)
I am already 31. And I am poor, lonely and slowly becoming sick because of this.
I never had a hug, a kiss or a date. Women have been chronically rejecting me my whole life.
I also failed in establishing myself a healthy career. I managed to get to college. But I was always a slow learner. Despite learning a lot I didn't manage to write good enough grades to successfully finish my degree. After six years I left college with a huge debt and no degree. The only job - where I am still working now - I could find is as a clerk at the local fast food store.
I have nobody and nothing. Always alone.
I turned 20 3 months ago and omg this video put my mind at ease actually because when nobody talks about this kind of stuff you just don't know and that made me kinda anxious but this video was gold 👌 thanks Mel 💚💚
Sarah Ruwalder 🥰 exactly why I made it! xxxxx
I started watching you when I was 13 and I'm turning 20 this year. It's crazy how it's already been 7 years and I feel like we've been on this path of growth together. Even then, you were kind of a big sister figure to me as I struggled with an eating disorder and I still see you the same way but through different eyes. You're just one of the strongest and most amazing women on the internet and I have learned so much from you.
I'm only halfway through this because I need to go to work arghhh but it's already making me feel better. I'm turning 29 soon, I still live with my parents, I'm in a job that I enjoy which pretty much consumes my life because it's heavy, but the pay is SHOCKING. I was saving for a house (I'm dying to move out and I don't want to rent), but now I've started studying social work, which is gonna take me 7 years because it's part time. A few of the modules are higher cost, so it's gonna cost me a few thousand quid. I can save that up but it also means I can't save for a house because my pay is so shit. I can get extra money through youtube, but I don't have the time to put the effort into it that I'd like to. I do want kids, but time is running out. I fear I'll still be studying and living at home in my mid 30s and I'm at a freaking LOSS. Just feel so behind. I can't wait to watch the rest of this when I get back from work!
Wow, rant and a half
your situation is SO, SO COMMON, because what's expected of us has changed SO much in just a couple of generations...I mean it kinda mAKES SENse why so many of us need to figure out how to manage anxiety! You-will-figure-this-out, girl, I totally believe in you and I'm so glad you're going for a career you really want! xxxx
I feel you girl! Im on the same boat
I would love to hear your thoughts about the universe,death,heaven,and hell in a separate video. That would be incredible your such a positive and happy person really motivates me to be better. I watch your videos everyday, you are amazing 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
Interesting talk on this subject, turned thirty last year and felt (weirdly) more panicked about turning 25. Just have to say - sadly, not every one get more financially secure when 30, especially in this economic climate.
Emma Lindvall more often than not though people at 30 are far more comfortable than at 21, just by statistics & in my experience (everyone I’ve known...there are a couple who haven’t done much to change their paths re: work and others who haven’t been able to, but still, it’s something most 20 year olds can look forward to as we all should be working through our 20s) x
@@melaniemurphyofficial That's true - that that doesn't mean you have economic freedom, or even have enough to save some. Just did a quick google on Ireland (I'm from Sweden) and according to figures from last spring one in six lived in poverty. And like you say, housing prices play a part of that as well.
I am 27 my husband is 28. We just married this passed year after dating for 4 years and years of bad timing. Either he was in a relationship, I was, then I moved across our country and he contacted me a year later, he was moving to where I was living. 5 Years later, we are married, moved back across the country to live with his family. I just had a miscarriage right before our move. Hopefully this year we can have a successful period. Late 20s is interesting. I am still in college (as I have been working and paying for as I can) I am working, we are saving for a our own home. My husband has his degree but is considering more school for more pay...although that's spending money still...oh the cycle we get in with money. We strive for financial freedom. I feel extreme emotions for wanting to be a mom/start our family, finish my school, keep working. Being a female adds other dynamics males don't seem to go thru...It's like a LIFE CRISES CRY ONCE A WEEK!!
A S K hahahaha I RELATE so HARD! So sorry to hear about your miscarriage...had one at 19 but I wasn’t trying, it was an accident (failed contraception)...just gotta keep hope ☺️💚 my granny had 5 miscarriages and 8 babies! Xxx
@@melaniemurphyofficial yes Thank you!! I will definitely keep trying :) oddly feel more secure in myself when I am pregnant! I adore adore you and your videos. I will be buying myself your books and my young sisters just entering 20s💕
I am 33 this year; I still haven’t met ‘my person’ and am nowhere near to starting a family, despite how much I want it. This was not laziness in my 20s or some such; it just hasn’t happened yet for me.
I had a huge ovarian cancer health scare last year; I had to have 75cm of cysts removed from my ovaries. Thankfully, they were benign. But I am now left with a scar that looks like a C-section and I still have no babies. I find this very hard. As soon as I’m healed, I’d love to start trying for a family, but, because I have neither the partner or the means, I am stuck. We live in a very different society these days and we just have to navigate it as best we can.
you're so right...all we can do is to live and to love...you are still young and your body has shown you how tough it is! :) If you'd love to meet somebody, put yourself out there and you'll be way more likely to experience the 'right place right time' thing that happens to so many of us! xxx
Bless you. You are such beacon of light and produce worthwhile content for such a waste age range of viewers. I went through a difficult break-up last year and am only just a month post-op now, so chose to take myself away from the dating sphere (as I'm not a fan anyway, really). But, as soon as I'm fit and feeling healthy again, I know I have to put myself out there, because I don't want my baby years to pass me by either. Much love to you. xx
Okay i def wanna see a video about your spirituality, meditation and beliefs about the universe. pretty please!
I'll be turning 33 in a few days and I've never dated or been officially in a relationship and I'm a virgin too. However, I go to work and come home and do whatever needs to be done. I've just accepted how my life has turned out and that is all you can do because there is no point in thinking about what if!
Watching your videos after turning 30, 4 months ago. My skin changed literally over night, and I keep staring at myself in the mirror. I wasted 8 years married to a man who didn't want me, married at 21, and I feel very bitter about it now. Getting older feels a lot harder now than it probably should. I so badly want to have a big family and that's part of why I married so early. TH-cam was so kind to shell out videos that said "women in their 30s now want to commit suicide because of getting older" and that didn't help. Glad I found you
I didn't get with my husband until I was in my late twenties and now age 34 I have two children...YOU HAVE SO MUCH TIME
I never understood how much anxiety exists around having kids at an early age, my mother birthed me at 30 and my sister at 35...
I would even categorize having kids at 30-35 as very normal and common. That's basically the average age for having children in my country. But yeah I still agree since my mom had my brother at 39 and me at 41. I was also the healthiest of all her 6 children.
@@whaleacademic7750 its the pressure from society. Im 30 and want kids with 32 or 33 and Im afraid that im too old for this then, crazy^^
Ehm...... is it normal to loose two teeth by age 30? O.O
Gabriella S yes, but nobody talks about it. Especially with the amount of sugar kids consume these days!
I just got out of class and seeing your video made me so happy!! I hope you have an awesome week Melanie 🤍
Nothing at all changed for me turning 30, really 🤷🏻♀️ Not for most people I know either 🤷🏻♀️ It's such a silly social construct. Maybe at around 50, people feel a serious shift, especially for women during menopause. Sounds a bit over dramatic.
pavotrouge this video is about ageing, not about a magical hard line x
Im just 17, but I feel like I've grown a lot the past 2 years, mainly reading a lot about philosophy and just seeing life as something much more valuable and magical, and I've come with peace to anything that my future might be. I know that I'd like to be an architect and a writer, to live near my friends and family, to do art and eventually (after 30) adopt. Honestly, your videos are so calming and they always make me feel better. Hope that you get to accomplish all your goals
This is a great discussion to open up! I'm 21 and I really want to make the most of my 20s. I have to say this, though- regardless of your age time is not a guarantee. Even if you do everything "right" and "to plan" life throws curveballs. The best you can do is make the most of the life you find yourself living right now. Plan for the future, yes. But the future is a hope not a promise.
Phoebe Jane Miller this 👏🏻
I’m 27 and I’m currently struggling with the idea of being a few years away from 30.
When I finished uni in my early 20s, I just had this idea that all I wanted was to get a job and get my own place. I moved back in with my mum after uni and now a few years later I’m stuck between the idea of travelling, enjoying myself and seeing the world or saving for a house with my boyfriend and settling down. I feel like at my age I should be moving out but at the same time it’s too expensive to buy or even rent now so it’s so frustrating. And I could spend the money on just enjoying myself. there’s a lot I want to tick off my list before settling down, I wish I’d done these things when I was younger.
Rachel
..sounds like you already made up your mind, but yeah it definitely is a struggle to take the leap of faith and go away for a while
I am also 27, but will be turning 28 soon. I'm going to give it three years of an honest, determined attempt to get into a serious relationship / marriage. If it doesn't happen by 30-31.... time to assess other options.
I am already 31. And I am poor, lonely and slowly becoming sick because of this.
I never had a hug, a kiss or a date. Women have been chronically rejecting me my whole life.
I also failed in establishing myself a healthy career. I managed to get to college. But I was always a slow learner. Despite learning a lot I didn't manage to write good enough grades to successfully finish my degree. After six years I left college with a huge debt and no degree. The only job - where I am still working now - I could find is as a clerk at the local fast food store.
I have nobody and nothing. Always alone.
@@SurrealisticSlumbers hi
This video and this comment section, just...
For a 30 year old+, I have to say you are very pretty. Some people, men and women rock their 30's but unfortunately some others don't handle this decade very well physically.
People say women age faster than men, this is partly because they lose collagen faster than men over time. Also, youth in women is culturally (some say biologically) associated with fertility. So it's unfortunately a double lose for older women. Pretty gruesome and unfair stuff I have to say. I have a female cousin who struggles to find a new partner (she's only 31) and she wants kids. It makes me sad that she's struggling so much on the dating scene.
To younger women this is a warning : you better find a good partner in your 20's before it's too late. To older ladies, hang in there, but don't get your standards too high.
I'm 23 and I've been going grey since 17. Hated it at first but now I rarely dye my hair and I'm trying to embrace it even though some days I hate it 🙈
This video was depressing
I’m 29 and I feel like I half-wasted my 20s and I’m slowly just starting to get it together now lol. And a virgin-ugh I know. So honestly I’m hoping my 30s are immensely better 😅😂
You got this gurl❤️, everyone deserves to live their dream life, the past is not important and the future js not even real yet so live in the moment and dont worry 🌹✨
Sorry for my grammar , english is not my first language xx
The female sex drive can be SOMETHING ELSE in our 30s hehe (so I've heard and so I'm experiencing)...if you do ever fancy dipping a leg into the pool of sexy time, don't worry about having no experience...it's going to be a wild, fun ride ;) I've known a few people to have waited and others who discovered that they're infact asexual which is so much more understood nowadays, either way, there's ZERO shame in waiting or in avoiding! xxx
I’m 23 and graduated from college in May. Most of my friends are in entry level jobs or even still looking for a job related to their major. I moved back home with my parents and so did most of my friends. I agree that you should not “waste” your 20s, but none of us are worrying about our biological clock or finding a partner or buying a home and settling down because we’re too busy worrying about crippling student debt in the states. I personally don’t know anybody that is planning on getting married or having kids before 30 and most of the older adults in my life did not get married or have kids until mid-30s, but I also live in a big city where the culture is different than other places. I personally don’t like that TED talk because it implies that getting married and having kids is the ideal life plan for everyone, which it is not necessarily in this day and age. If we’re going to critique young adults for delaying things in their 20s, we have to also critique the institutional changes that make it harder to get a job without a college degree (or even a master) and therefore forcing many people into debt, the housing crisis, etc. I also think the researcher in the video implies that having fun in your 20s and spending time with friends is wasteful or irresponsible when to me that is valuable time you might never get back.
Anyway as a future doctor who will be in school until 27 with no money and then a resident for 3-7 years with minimal money, buying a home or having children is unthinkable in the next 10 years, as it is for many of us.
Thanks for your 2¢ and here is mine :)
I did discuss this in the video...I wasn't worrying about settling down or buying a home or any of that either because I was too busy getting a degree and trying to navigate my mental health issues, but that's the point - those things are things that needed to be done, therefore I didn't waste those years. I could have just lived off my folks and played computer games...a LOT of people do that nowadays and I was more so trying to dissuade people from just kind of dossing during these amazing years. I also didn't want to get married or have kids before 30 so I'm just wondering if you did listen to what I said in this video at all? I was actually telling people NOT to just settle down with the wrong person etc. My issue is completely with the institutional changes! The housing market etc! Sure even I don't own a home, as discussed xxx
As a teen until my late 20's I constantly dyed my hair out of insecurity and when I stopped, after getting sick of it and a bad haircut, my hair was a gorgeous golden brown and I grew it down to my waist. My insecurities affected even the stuff I had that was good. So I understand this a lot. My hair is not that long now, but long and showing now silver when I look in the mirror mixed in with my brown hair. May go back to coloring, but I wish I had never wasted that time in my teens and twenties.
27 years old, not having my diploma yet, just moved in with my first love. I've spent the last decade worrying about not having my shit together, so I had to decide what STRUGGLES I want in my life. The most important things are my relationships, and I also want to finish my studies. It's hard to balance work, uni, family time, reparing a home, etc, but these are the struggles I've chosen. Nothing else matters at this moment. It's all about our values and prioroties. Now I'm tired of course, but I don't worry anymore about things that are not my chosen struggles. I feel happier than ever. Nowadays I'm thinking a lot about death and how lucky and happy I am to be alive. I am loved and I don't want to die, but life can end in an instant. A car accident, a stroke... I can loose my life or my loved ones in a second. So does it matter that I failed an exam? That I have very little money? No. These are just problems that can be solved. I keep solving them but that's it. No worries.
Bettina K. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💚 love this
I am already 31. And I am poor, lonely and slowly becoming sick because of this.
I never had a hug, a kiss or a date. Women have been chronically rejecting me my whole life.
I also failed in establishing myself a healthy career. I managed to get to college. But I was always a slow learner. Despite learning a lot I didn't manage to write good enough grades to successfully finish my degree. After six years I left college with a huge debt and no degree. The only job - where I am still working now - I could find is as a clerk at the local fast food store.
I have nobody and nothing. Always alone.
Sorry im commenting while im watching :P but YES to the sex :P from 16 to 25 ive struggled to climax through sex .. think ive only ever climaxed 3 times in my life through sex .. so if that means my sex drive gets better as i get older ? fuck it bring on the wrinkles and grey hair ! :P
I want to recommend an Adam Ruins Everything episode about the myths we believe about childbirth and fertility as you age into your 30s and how many of them are vastly overblown. Such as, it just isn't true that it's a lot harder to get pregnant and give birth in your 30s and 40s. It's like less than a percent harder (can't remember the exact number). And that means nothing. Although there can be individual issues that hinder fertility and child-bearing ability, it has little to do with being in your 30s and 40s. The information where we've gotten our misconception is from one study done in the 1800s out of a small sampling of French women. And there's a lot more addressed in the episode, too. It's an excellent, fully sourced, and informative video, and a great show all around.
Thank you for posting this! I hope many, many people (and Melanie) see it.
Thanks for this! I looked it up and it was interesting. There's also a useful response video from a doctor: th-cam.com/video/zL3F4bZUhvU/w-d-xo.html
I will check it out, thank you! As a 29 yr old who isn't ready for kids yet, but want them, that is reassuring!
DB Thanks for the video rec! It’s good to see experts challenging each other to bring the truth out. It seems like Adam Ruins Everything, which does use doctors and studies as their sources, and the doctor you linked are pretty in line with each other! The bottom line is it isn’t a drop off and there’s no reason to stress about it if you’re in good health.
As a 23 year old that is traveling the world, partied a lot, etc. I can honestly say I am so excited about being 80 and reflecting on my youth. Maybe that will change when I am 30. Life is a beautiful thing, and each individual goes through a different life journey
Thank you for this video. I'm new to your channel and I'm glad that I saw this today. I turned 31 in September. I spent my 20s in toxic relationships and then a marriage at 27. My marriage ended up being the most toxic relationship of my life and I completely lost who I was. In 2018 I moved across the country and divorced him. I started over with absolutely nothing and no job. Last year I got a job in luxury sales and I had the most successful financial year of my life in 2019. I am now living in my dream apartment downtown. I have found independence and freedom but I still struggle with trusting again to start a new relationship. I related so much to what you are looking for in a partner, confident, loyal, funny, good sex life, etc. It's been hard to put myself out there again. I do hope that I can meet my life partner this year. I have so much love to give and I would love to find a partner that reciprocates that. I think your 30s are an absolutely beautiful time in life. Every decade of your life is beautiful. We just have to remember to appreciate what we have when we have it.
I'm 28 no teeth lost (only 2 fillings), no wrinkles and maybe 6 grey hairs. I think turning 30 is different for different people, I don't feel or look much different from when I was 18 honestly. That said, I've never smoked, rarely drink, have always exercised regularly, taken supplements etc.
I enjoyed it, very informative! You are beauty and brains :)
U don’t look 30. You look 18 with kinda deep voice (my opinion).You are so beautiful 😻 I wish people around me looked like you 😅
I'm only 10 minutes in, so I might leave another comment, but what's coming to mind right now: I find myself less and less scared of aging (spot the American, lol) as I get older, at least for the moment, at age 27. I lost a lot of my youth and adolescence to severe anxiety, and my young adulthood to sexual and emotional trauma, and I see aging as a way of healing from it. I'm growing into myself for real now that I have those years behind me. I do still feel some pressure not to waste my 20s, but I know I'm not -- I'm in my last semester of my master's, but more importantly, I'm learning more and more about what I like and value every day. It's really exciting finally feeling like I'm on a journey that's going to lead somewhere... wholesome, I guess.
I'm 34 and single. No current prospects either. I live in a very rural area. I love living alone and enjoying my free-time, but sometimes it's lonely. Sometimes I'm worried I'll grow up and be alone without a family to care for me. It's scary. I wish I had made some different decisions (mainly dating more and "putting myself out there") in my 20s when I lived in a bigger town. I know my life isn't "over" but I've already made peace withe the fact that I'll probably never have children. I feel like that decision was never even mine to conciser.
Struggled with infertility for 3 years. Started trying at 27 and finally had my two children at 30 and 32 both through IVF. Ideal?? Not exactly ... but now we have to amazing children!!❤️❤️
SO SO SO HAPPY FOR YOU AHHH! :) XXXXX
I'm 32, married, with a 1 year old, own a house (obvs with mortgage!), fairly sorted on the career and financial fronts. I wanted those things nice and squared away in my 20s so I can get as long as possible living the truly best years of life i.e. being our own little family. It struck me when you said about the .... we are all going to die.... bedtime reflectiveness (!) My thoughts being that it is made all the more poignant and profound when you are a parent. Its terrifying Melanie!! Like you are so into and wrapped up in this amazing little person's life and you want to see them do every little laugh, breath and step and then you are like fuuuuuck some day I won't be here and he will be on this earth without us.... and it's the most mortal you will ever feel. You don't feel yourself age a year, a month or a week but measuring time by witnessing your child grow so rapidly before your eyes is equal parts life giving and mind bendingly difficult. Great video, long time viewer, 1st time commenter x
what an incredibly insightful comment...thank you SO much for sharing this with us! xxxxx
did you genuinely want to do those things, or just want to because society conditions people to thinking they have to check off this invisible checklist, of marriage, house and kids?
@@maneskinnnnn7190 yep genuinely wanted. Part of my degree was sociology so I get what you are asking but I live very purposefully. I don't do things by accident or because of extrinsic factors. We each have our own hopes and dreams in this very short life and I'm silly happy with how far myself and my husband have come through our own hard work and sacrifice.
My mom had me completely naturally at 40 xx it’s never too late!
Skrskr123 that’s rare that’s an exception
NPC12345678 no it isn’t you’re talking rubbish
@@gd4761 true, my boyfriends mum had her last two children when she was 41 then 43 no problem :)
The problem is You rode the cc for to long and now You have hit the wall and now You are a leftover women