Let me know in a comment: 1) do you have a type? If so, do you tend to go for people who aren't good for you? 2) what's been YOUR biggest lesson in dating and relationships so far?
I have a physical preference- brown hair, glasses, beard, green eyes (all my current bf) but my last bf was complete opposite in every one of those lol! My biggest lesson learned is that when you’re feeling unfulfilled, do things FOR YOURSELF BY YOURSELF, and don’t expect your partner to heal you. You need to heal yourself and the relationship will flourish.
1. You look bloody gorgeous Melanie. 2. I had a habit of falling in love with fixing someone. 3. Biggest thing I've learnt is that your partner is sharing life with you. Not slaving their life to give to you. Relationships will fail if you have 1000 expectations of your partner.
I've only had one boyfriend, who I'm still with, I'm always attracted to blonds which might be basic but idc lol. I've learned to respect and set boundaries and learning to say no if I don't want to do something. Love your videos!
Think so far my type has been manipulative ‘waboc’s (not that that was the attraction) I’d say one of my biggest lessons is learning/knowing when things are worth fighting for...if it’s continuously one sided, reality tends to be that it’s not really going anywhere and their hearts not in it, and to have the strength to know if/when to throw the towel in.
I usually like people who are kind and have a similar sense of humour to me and also my type of girl is usually blonde hair blue eyes and with boys it's more varied but less common to feel attracted to a physical appearance. I find it so interesting how my liking boys and girls differs. This was a really interesting video though, thank you for sharing this.
I can’t remember where I first heard this, but when a problem arises, don’t see it as you vs your partner, but it’s you and your partner vs the problem. So simple but the difference it makes is mind blowing
I didnt know “the silent treatment” was a thing until i experienced it myself. The same goes for my partner. As soon as I recognized how toxic that actually was, I adressed it to him. When he became aware of this, he changed his behaviour. I think those “red flags” doesn’t necessarily mean the end of an otherwise good relationship. I think they can be part of old habits, but if it’s actual love you share then you’d be willing to change in order to fix this
OH TOTALLY AGREE that's what I was talking about when I went into changing those habits in yourself once you're aware of them...like, with Thomas I've had to work on issues and if he just dropped me like a hot shit then I'd never have had the chance to realise how GOOD a healthy relationship can be! :) But yeah there's such a big difference between someone set in their ways, who always acts like nothing is their fault...and someone who acknowledges their issues xxx
My biggest lesson in relationships so far is a thing you mentioned: decision. Love is a decision, not a feeling, at least not entirely, that's so so true. You have to decide to show up and to choose that person, even if it's hard and even if things get tough (if it's a healthy relationship, of course).
@@suesheification love is a feeling, too, but if you depend on feeling in love, you probably will not have a successful long term relationship because a person cannot love 100% at all times.
Playing hot and cold is the most awful thing for you mental health, I swear. Cause when your partner suddenly becomes distant and careless for no reason, it makes you go absolutely insane, because most of the times you don’t even know what happened, what did you do to deserve to be treated like that, and they never tell. So you just sit there confused and wait for them to become their ‘normal’ self. And those moments, sometimes days or even weeks of waiting makes you feel so miserable.
Natalie Astravars if someone is doing this to you they don’t care about you at all wtf why anyone be with someone who doesn’t give asf about how upset you are
@@indiaxlovee imo its not tht easy to just leave...we, alreast I, try to rationalise it like "he might be stressd from work" "hes sick" "he might hve too much on his plate so I need to understand nd let him be cold like tht for awhile"... idk this is legit crap
DEAD POOL yeah, I agree. Though, sometimes people are just assholes and don’t care about anyone but themselves. It can be hard to tell those apart from someone who’s just dealing with something and need some space. Especially if you’ve been in a toxic relationship for a long time and don’t know better and your self-confidence is destroyed. Conversation is the key, it’s very important to talk to each other
1) The older I got and the more I improved myself , the better people I attracted. 2) Your current partner is not your Ex, and you have to realise that problems you had in your last relationships may stay with you, so you have to reflect on those not only looking at your current relationship.
I was in a relationship with someone for six-and-a-half years, I was just about to turn 17 when it started and I was 23 when it ended. I thought I loved him, now looking back? I realise I never did. I never had a connection to him. NEVER. He was my first proper "crush" - we met in college so I was excited to go out with someone who had a crush on me too. So many people over the years asked me why I was with him, I always said I loved him. Well no, looking back it's because he made me feel worthless - like I should stick with him because no-one else would want me. He was manipulative, controlling and in the end, physically abusive. Now, at 25, I'm with someone that I genuinely am in love with. We have NEVER argued, NEVER had a "tiff" why? Because we respect each other and communicate well. We're adults. Friends have said "honeymoon phase", no, time doesn't change anything if you genuinely respect, care for and love each other. He genuinely is one of the kindest, most caring and wonderful people I have ever met. All we do is laugh together, mess about together but then we can be serious together. We work as a team, and that's something I adore.
I just wanted to say that not arguing or fighting isn’t always a good thing. It takes a certain comfort to be able to respectfully argue with your partner. When I was 25 I was with a man I never fought with- for the first time in my life. He was my best friend and I loved him. But two different people can’t get along perfectly all the time. I’m not saying this isn’t the right guy by any means. Who am I to know YOUR relationship? It’s just to say- if you end up getting in a fight, know that it doesn’t change that you are in a good and solid relationship. With my husband now, we fight on rare occasion. It took a good 8 months for us to ever argue. And at first I thought this meant something was wrong. But eventually I realized it was how we conducted ourselves. For example- neither of us saying things to intentionally hurt or trigger the other. 🖤 congratulations on being in a healthy and happy relationship 🥰
I do have a type. I'm into the fun, confident, dark haired, cocky, flirty kind of guy. I ended up being in a relationship with the sweetest, most loving, amazing, blonde guy, who couldn't flirt to save his life, though. And I love him to pieces and am rather convinced that he is the person I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.
Your type is my type to the T! 😂😂 and I ended up with someone similar to what you described! He’s sweet, shy, and a hopeless romantic underneath all those walls he has even though he can’t flirt 😂
as a teenager i think we sometimes forget how little we know?? like i know some crazy smart teens, i know some wise ones too but we all need that whole “learn with time” thing and i absolutely loved this vid thanks for sharing
Can you do a video on “the talking stage” before a relationship begins? Like when you’re just getting to know the person. I’m wondering how to weed out the guys who don’t deserve my time and energy. Do I make them work for it? Or do I show that I’m interested? How do I show I’m interested without being too eager and letting them think they don’t need to put in any work?
Mary Winsor suuuch a good topic for a video! I will make a collab with my sis on this, I think...I’d need to chat to someone to get all my thoughts out! Xxx
@@melaniemurphyofficial Relating to this maybe also about the different about listening to you intuition or your fears? Like if you go on a date and it feels kind of off, how do you know it's your intuition or your fear. Because I feel like something if off quite often on a first date, and it happened a few times I just thought it was my fear about letting someone in, but then on the second or third date their crazy comes out 😂
Literally love the idea of code words for when you're in an argument so the other person knows where you're at! Definitely going to try that with my husband 😂
My husband and I will be together for 25 years as of next month, and I have to say that you are spot on with your use of the word "decision." Over time, people go through different phases in their own growth, as well as growing together as a couple, and you have the opportunity to make the decision over and over again to be together. It might not always feel like butterflies, but it can be that way again after years too. For us, we have always decided to be a team, and we support each other in achieving our own individual goals, as well as doing the same for our daughter. I am much more of a homebody than he is, but we wound up moving halfway across the world to for an amazing opportunity for him, and in turn, he supports me in the things that are most important for my happiness. It really does get even better when couples make the decision over a number of years to be together. We have done things together that neither of us would have had the courage to try alone, and we are succeeding as individuals and as a family because of our mutual support. Thanks so much for sharing this video, here's to a lifetime of happiness for you and Thomas :)
Do you think you might do one of these for friendships? I think it'd be super interesting to hear your advice and what you've learnt, especially since you have quite a few long distance friendships. Love you Mel 💚
Omg I totally feel you on when a partner is "hot and cold" like one day so loving and then cold the next as a method of control almost...its super manipulative. Currently in a relationship like that right now and they always try to make me feel like it's my fault.
Sarah C that’s a really difficult thing to go through. It sounds like this might not be the right relationship for you. You deserve someone who chooses to be loving every day.
I hope you find someone better, the regret later is really bad trust me i stayed in on for a Full year when i was younger and i still regret it now....
I didn’t think I have a type until I saw a pattern on the people I liked. I seem to like people who are either charming, smart, or talented; just someone who carries themselves well. But also yes, these people that I liked somehow used that charm to take advantage of me (financially, emotionally and sexually) because I’m the type to give my all to the people I like. I do think I have to note that I’ve admitted my feelings to most of the people I’ve liked while never as much stated they actually did like me. I was just taking whatever I can get from them whether it be the joy they feel when I give them stuff or do something for them. After a couple of years, I realized how toxic that actually was and even though it was neither dating nor a relationship, I learned to set boundaries for myself and never let people love me less than I love myself. I also realized to distance myself immediately from the person after realizing that they’re being toxic because I would justify a lot of the things others did to me which was just wrong. I actually learned a lot from this video. I LOVE IT! Thank you for another wonderful vid, Mel~
Omg, I can’t emphasize enough how important communication is! It’s the worst thing when two people don’t talk to each other, suppressing thoughts and emotions, it’s poisonous for your relationship. Cause it piles up and then you explode, and things get really ugly.
i was actually really nervous to watch this video as i think i have let some toxic habits develop in my relationship recently and i basically didn't want to be called out haha. some of them stem from a depressive period and i just didn't resolve those crappy habits and some stem from how i've been treated previously and acting a certain way to get a certain reaction i.e making my boyfriend feel god awful for something small so he'll feel bad and give me more affection (ex did not love me at all). it is SO hard for me to break some of these habits, even though i love my boyfriend so very much! thank you for putting this out there so i could address my shitty habits 💕
I've been guilty of quite a few toxic behaviours in my lifetime and all I wanna do is shake people to let them know they can choose to change and they CAN change! :)
When I got married to my husband, we wrote our own service to reflect our belief that love is a choice. We borrowed a bit from some online scripts and rewrote parts to fit us. Here's one part of what my brother said at our ceremony (he married us): You fell in love by chance, and the power of the internet, but you’re here today because you’re making a choice. You both are choosing each other. You’ve chosen to be with someone who enhances you, who makes you think, makes you smile, and makes your days brighter. You’re about to make a promise to each other. You’re going to vow to take care of each other, to stand up for each other, and find happiness in each other. There’s a simple premise to each of these promises: you’re vowing to show up and be there. You’re teaming up and saying to the other, “Every experience I am going to have, I want you to be a part of.”
You briefly mentioned this, but I think it is so so important to not ever launch personal attacks/name calling when fighting with your partner. I see friends doing that, and it turns fights so nasty and it can be hard to forgive when the conflict blows over. I'm really grateful my husband and I have always taken care to only focus on the problem without being cruel to one another, even if we're really upset.
this could not have come at a better time!! i'm 22 and have just left an 8 year relationship so dating is SO new to me, and i am SO quickly learning what to do and what not to do, what are bad habits and what is just authentic me... so this video is super helpful, thank you! :)
It’s comforting to know that you’re making this video, giving advice, but still knowing that there is still things you have to work on. I always worry that I have to be absolutely perfect in my relationship, but I realise after this video that that’s not possible, but it is okay to admit that you’re working on things. Thank you for this.☺️
Being vulnerable is the hardest HARDEST things I ever had to do, I'm with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs and only in the last few months have I truly started to be okay with being completely vulnerable and not feel this huge anxiety and fear around vulnerability but I really see how positively it has affected my overall mental state So yeah Really hard but really worth it
Learning your attachment style is sooooo helpfull to understand what to work on to be better in a relationship! I'm anxiously attached and my partner is away on holliday with friends so my anxiety has been higher than usual but this video really helped me realise that our relationship is healthy and has so many amazing aspects and that its normal to have things to work on and that everything isnt always super easy. This was really just what I needed right now so thank you!
I think it is very important to say that one has to acknowledge feelings like jealousy, because suppressing them mostly comes back at you and explodes in a totally destructive way. I think it's very interesting that you say you should to become a person that you want to date yourself but at the same time you need to feel certain feelings and talk about them. When I started dating I tried to be the perfect girlfriend and surpressed many emotions just to avoid conflicts and I totally pressured myself a lot. It is really important to state that even if you have to work on yourself you are still allowed to feel things. Feelings are very important parts of relationships - good and bad. And it's okay to feel angry or sad sometimes but it's more the way you communicate those feelings to others that is important. Love your content and honesty - keep up the good work! :)
Emily Katze what I meant by that was, I appreciate honesty and vulnerability from a partner, so that’s why I talked about how important it is to admit stuff like jealousy xxx completely agree with you ☺️ I just think toxic behavior is sooo different from having feelings, ye know? The way people DEAL with their feelings can be toxic ❤️
Hi Melanie, I just wanted to thank you for making this video. Your train metaphor really spoke to me and made me realise that I can’t keep waiting for my on and off ex to finally realise he wants to be with me; I need to move on. I cut contact today because I just can’t do it anymore. Thank you for giving me the confidence to finally choose me x
I’m going through a break up, and this really helps me see what kind of a partner I want. I don’t feel so bad getting dumped anymore. We had our honeymoon period but after a while, along with some fights he chose to not to be with me anymore. It’s okay.
This was so helpful and insightful, especially when you were talking about vulnerability. I have also denied feeling jealous and I recognize now how it's important to practice transparency with yourself first
You mentioned hormones. I experienced my hormones affecting my relationship SO much. To the point, where literally every month I wanted to break up due to my lack of self worth, amplified by hormones. I considered going on the birth control, but I don’t like the way it affects me. I tried Hum Nutrition’s moody bird supplements and it’s CHANGED my hormones. I’m more happier and peaceful on my period. I still get quite sad, but it’s more manageable. Would definitely recommend!
I have been really prone to toxic behaviours in relationships due to past trauma and I’m finally really getting into addressing these behaviours and honestly one of the biggest helps that I’ve been blessed with is having a partner who can listen to the reasons for why you react to things the way you do and being patient enough to know it’s not a quick fix, yet still appreciate the effort you’re consistently putting in to Change. Relationships become so so much stronger for sharing and changing and helping each other become better people.
I have pretty much came up to so many similar conclusions after my previous relationship went up into flames, and in May I met a guy and we connected really well and funnily enough we were both scared to go into something too quick, we were both trying to pace ourselves and take the time to know the person which has been such a great decision because even though we ended up dating in July it is such a loving, sweet, easygoing relationship. It has been amazing to see how just communicating your feeling can make the relationship ten times better. I can so clearly see now my past mistakes with assuming the worst and letting emotions get the better of me and I can also see how different it is when both people are on a similar more compatible emotional and in general maturity level. Awesome video, you and Thomas are absolute sweethearts and it’s amazing to see you so happy!
Love this! I been with my husband for 8 years. He is the reason I get off from work on time to come home to him. We have a really healthy relationship and part of it is because I made a conscious choice to change, to be the person I would like to be married to, to be more patient, to THINK before I speak, to always receive him with a smile and a hug.
I've been learning this lately. I am just out of a toxic relationship and I think I definitely needed to go through it to understand what a toxic relationship does to you. For me it eroded my sense of self and kept me giving more than I was getting in the hopes that I would at some point feel worthy of love. I think it's so important to recognise your own toxic behaviours and I'm really glad you did that in this video. I am so happy for you and Thomas, it's really inspiring to see two people love each other the way you do.
Feel so proud that I practise these things in my relationship! It took me a lot of thinking time, as well as being told things I didn't want to hear, but I think I can now safely say that my relationship with my boyfriend is super healthy. I was a pretty terrible girlfriend for quite a while, but I've since realised this and amended my behaviours, and I'm working on making it up to my boyfriend for all the unfair stress I put them through. Thank you for this video Mel, makes me feel super secure and even more happy
On Vulnerability, books by Brene Brown are good ( look, at her TED talk too), she talks about vulnerability on both a personal level, professional level and in relationships both romantic and platonic
Mel you are just so clever, thanks for pointing out to all this issues that we deep down are aware of but are not able to see them as what they are unless we are reminded.
I was seeing someone else (who I was obsessed with at the time) when I met my husband, but I knew I'd marry him before we were even going out. We've been together 11 years, married for 7 - it's been the best!
That hot and cold comment really got me. My ex was like that for sure and after the breakup I spent a lot of time wondering how I had put up with it for so long. But you're right, it's like keeping someone on a leash. They very much had me confused as to what exactly was happening and second guessing myself all the while. It's terribly destructive, and also very controlling and manipulative. It's a sign of behaviour that I never knew to look out for before but have since learned to keep a keen eye on, and to pass along my experience to friends who seem to be concerned or confused by the same type of behaviour. If someone is hot and cold, question THEIR behaviour don't question you own self worth or lovability.
Steph Boyko 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💚 I am so sorry you went through that! When I acted like that between 16 and 20, it was all out of insecurity...I wasn’t in a place to be a good partner to anyone! And experiencing someone else acting like that is so bloody unsettling xxx
I'm so glad I watched this - and not just because you're one of my favourite TH-camrs: I think it's just so easy to slip into a lot of the negative habits that you mentioned, and then be surprised with how 'hard' love turns out to be. I do believe that love isn't 'hard', it just needs mindfulness and conscious involvement on part of the people concerned. It feels like so few of us were brought up with positive views, examples and approaches to romantic relationships, and when things go wrong in our own lives it becomes even more difficult to assimilate and apply positive lessons instead. Thank you for bringing up all of these topics in your videos, it is helpful for all of us
Melanie, I can't thank you enough for this video. I know you probably won't see this but I really hope you do. Until my current boyfriend I'd been in incredibly toxic relationships and I was starting to project the way previous partners had treated me onto my current partner. I also, due to my trust issues, was always so afraid to fully open up to him and always questioning our relationship. I'd always either give the silent treatment or shout when we'd argue and despite this he was so amazing at understanding why I was behaving the way I was and calming me down. This video changed our whole relationship. I realised I couldn't paint him with the same brush as all my exes and that he deserved to be treated better. When I was in a bad mood I needed to make a decision not to take it out on him and treat him with more love and respect, even when I wasn't in the mood. I try my best to communicate more when I'm upset (even though I'm still learning with this part). I'm now in the healthiest relationship of my life and am starting to become someone that I feel he deserves. I've stopped doubting our relationship and decided to work as hard as possible because he is so lovely and so worth it. Thank you so so much x
I cannot even explain how helpful this video is!! Also thank you for opening up about your own toxic habits and how you have worked through them. That is a tough and scary thing to do but is so helpful!!
This video honestly speaks to me a lot. I'm still pretty young as far as dating and relationships go but I've already struggled a lot with relationships in the past and I hope that I can practice a lot of the things you talked about in the future. I don't consider myself to have a "type" because I am a hopeless bisexual who can find many different types of people amazingly attractive but I do find myself being drawn towards men with long dark hair consistently. Perhaps I do have a type but I'm just in denial 😅 Unfortunately I do seem to be attracted to people who are bad for me, I think because I put out a lot of "I just want to do what makes you happy" kind of energy but often forget to think about myself. Biggest dating/relationship lesson is not to date for the sake of it, stop being dependent on romantic relationships and just be patient. Seeking someone out when you're not ready is a bad idea.
It's very hard for me right now to distinguish between my gut feeling and the feeling of fear or "unnecessary doubts". I don't know if I explained that right. But it's holding me back at the moment.... Oh yeah and I take things personally almost all the time 🤦
this series is soooo good !! please keep going , im working on choosing better , not people that treats me badly , tryin loving myself before i love someone truly.
One thing I can add to this list is don't try to make something work when it doesn't have any foundation! In my six year relationship I knew from the start that we had different views on family dynamics, life in our 20s, work and ambitions but I kept trying as if I thought that he would change his views or his mind. At the end- we completly evolved in to two polar opposite people with completly different desires in life and I could have saved myself those 6 years right in the begining
Kristina Isakovic I did touch on this a couple of times in the video...knowing when to walk away is SO important, and really getting to know someone first! Xxxxxx
Melanie every time I watch one of your fantastic and insightful sit down chats I feel like I’m listening to a friend. Thank you for your great advice which has helped me as a young woman to become more confident in myself. Lots of love from York, England 😊
I don't think that this video has got all the attention it deserves. Being 25 I have read so sooo many articles and heard people talking about relationships countless times since my teens. This is a rare exception of someone giving actual advice like an older sister or a close friend, without sounding like a relationship ''guru'' who's just full of cliche bul*@t. Very useful especially for people who don't have much dating experience. Thank you Melanie
Thank you melanie for always triggering things that aren’t working in my relationships, or the things I can work on myself to be better at relationships... You are truly my life guiding angel 🙏🏻 what will I do without your wiseful videos?? Ily and will always support you 💚
This is such a good video, thank you for sharing! ❤ You're right, we need to go through the good and bad experiences to learn about ourselves and our relationship patterns. It takes courage, patience and perseverance. I'm in a relationship now and I can relate to everything you said, all the healthy habits for a good relationship. They're all worth it. Whatever you do, respect your partner and yourself. ❤
A really important thing I have learned: common interest in each other! If you are in the let's call it "getting to know/ first flirting" stage, look out for those shitheads that only like you because you listen to them talk, without asking about your life/stuff. It doesn't matter how sexy/interesting that person is. They do not truly care for you, I had to learn the hard way. Such an important video, Mel! Smashing with the content =3!
Yes, yes, yes! I'm getting way too excited over this but it's just so refreshing to find a lady that's self-aware and willing to call out her sisters when necessary. We need more of this. These are the type of lessons of self-awareness us ladies where hoping to find in our teenage magazines in stead of the ever so dangerous 'this is what he means when he says...' or 'this is how you know he's into you' ..Ten years later at 20 something most of us have some toxic patterns to get rid of and we realize we need to figure it out for ourselves..
I’m maybe a year older than you. And I really enjoy these videos because it’s a good way to compare and contrast experiences, and to validate the positive behaviors that have come out of toxic behaviors for me. 🖤
I’ve found this video so helpful for finding strategies to manage bickers and arguments in relationships. After watching this I’ve really started thinking about my reactions and feelings in the relationship and have been able to properly reflect on it using some of the habits you’ve mentioned. Another amazing video and so inspirational- thank you Melanie 💞
Love your code words. Wish I saw this a year ago. I've been in a relationship where all the red flags applied and I stilled stuck it out until I was drained. I've been "self-partnered" for most of this year to just learn who I am and what I want because I have been going from one relationship to another without realizing who I am when I'm just by myself. Anyway, I'm rambling. Needed this. Thank you!
I always felt guilty for feeling like I had to make that 'decision' to love someone on days when I've felt awful. It's soo nice to hear that it's ok to have to make that conscious decision sometimes, and that its not an unhealthy behaviour. Just to clarify, it always passes and I feel better knowing I didn't take my bad mood out on my boyfriend. Great video :)
I couldn't relate more. I am in the best relationship of my life and it's through hard work, communication and respect. I've done SO much work on myself and I think our whole life is about learning to be our best selves. It's an adventure.
Fantastic video with sooo much good advice. The one thing I want to add, is that when your in a relationship (especially when you don't have much experience) it's easy to hear advice, but not realize that it's something your going through, because while your partner may have toxic behaviours, they are still a full, realized, human being with many good traits too. What I've realized in my late 20s, is to pay attention to how your feeling, REALLY pay attention. While one of my ex's was a gentle, kind, hilarious person. 70% of the time I felt uneasy or like I wasn't an important person in his life. And that's because he was emotionally unavailable, with a very low need for any sort of affection. He often couldn't handle conflict, and wanted to keep me at arms length. That was his way of caring and loving someone. But when we were together, having fun, I was usually blind to that. So pay deep attention to your feelings, and how your partner often makes you feel.
Thank you for talking about this! And also for acknoledging that you yourself have some not-so-great or toxic behaviours and showing that you work on them! I know that I have some toxic things I do that I'm working on.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I just realized our relationship lacked so many things and these habits would've definitely made a huge difference :/
I've learnt that when I'm struggling with my mental health I just need to give my partner a heads up. Trying to hide it just leads to me lashing out but communication makes the rollercoaster so much easier.
I totally agree with everything you said in this video! My husband and I have been together for 9 years and have a super happy and healthy marriage. I get asked about it a lot and I tell people that I waited for the right person, we never say mean or unkind things to each other even when we're angry, we calmly talk thru any problems we do run into with the intention of working it out rather than trying to be right, we laugh a ton and make time to do things that we enjoy, we are both self aware and have learned how to deal with our own emotions in healthy ways, and one of the most important things is that we really let each other be....meaning we don't make each other do things the other doesn't want to, we don't nag at each other, and we let the other have space to have their own life and interests. But I would never have this healthy marriage if I hadn't screwed up a bunch of relationships before and learned from those mistakes.
im so glad i found your channel, im in highschool so navigating relationships is difficult, especially being bisexual. i was feeling a bit stressy and taking 20 minutes to sit down with a cup of tea was definitely helpful, thank u for being my online big sister, sending all the love from scotland
I don't know how to begin to express how much I love this video! Makes me look forward to have a relationship again and try my best to do things right. Ily 😘
Thank you for existing!! There should be more people like you in the world, this is the third video I watch and I just adore you and your channel, and that you are such a healthy lovely person! I will work real hard from now on so I can grow from my bad habits and be like you someday
Right now I’m an 18 year old girl and you’ve inspired me to stop bringing excuses and start working hard to bring the best version of myself with help and support from the people I love the most, starting right now! So I thank you for encouraging more people to take care of themselves and spreading so much love and positiveness! nwn From my heart I wish you the best~
Wow, it’s amazing this turned up in my recommendations, I have never watched videos like this before, but it was so needed now, I’m learning to work on my toxic traits to help my partner 💜 I miss him but I need to learn to deal with my own shit instead of putting it all on him. This is so helpful, thank you. Xx
The regulate your emotions one REALLY resonated with me. I need to hear your voice echo in my head every time i’m being a moody cow for no reason and snap at my boyfriend - because he doesn’t deserve it and he would never snap at me. I sometimes snap and raise my voice out of nowhere and wonder why the fuck i just did that.
This is such a great video! I've been happily married for 8 years, and I agree with everything you said. THIS IS HIGH QUALITY ADVICE! I'm so glad that you made this video and I hope it helps a lot of people!
It was such a well-rounded video, thank you Melanie! I can definitely relate to these habits, there are some I learnt very hard, there are some I’ll still need to master 😅 I used to have a type, I mainly went more for aesthetics and a couple of traits that I would have wanted a potential boyfriend to have, but as time went by I always found that we’re not compatible at all, I just went into the idea of a relationship too quickly. That would be my biggest mistake I’ve made, falling for someone too fast... Now I’m single for the first time since I’m 16, after a series of monogamous relationships, I’m 24 now. I don’t really have a type anymore, I find different looking people beautiful for different reasons, and I’d only settle for someone really special whom I can have loads of fun with but equally being able to have serious conversations as well. Something like what you and Thomas have because giiirl... #couplegoals is real!! 💚
I would love to hear you talk about body hair and how that plays into self body image. Personally I have been struggling with this lately, I absolutely HATE going in for a wax, but it’s the only solution I’ve found to work for my body. I feel like it’s not fair for me to feel bad about my body hair. I refuse to go have it permanently removed, as I find it way to expensive and I don’t think it’s well enough researched. I find that the fact that I worry about this is a symptom of the way I have been taught that my body is for the world to judge and I am trying to work though that (it actually affects the way I perceive my self worth on a given day). But in the end I still would feel embarassed about walking around with hairy legs or going to the beach with hair on my belly or my bikini line. Anyway I would love for you to make a video on this, if you feel comfortable with the subject. Love your videos and your overall message!
I am honestly so grateful for all my terrible toxic relationships in my 20s because I learned so very much. Not only did I learn so much about myself but I learned the kind of partner I wanted to be and what I ACTUALLY want in a partner. I never had an example of what a health relationship looked like and I didn't really have friends that I was that close with once I started dating to tech or warn or help me work though things. But with every failed relationship came this incredible opportunity to learn and grow. I really like the type of person as well as partner I have become. And now that I feel like I have truly fell in love for the first time I have this really healthy fear of losing it. Which helps me decide to keep our relationship in the forefront everyday. To make time everyday for him. To ask "How was you day" and really care to hear the answer. Whenever we get those random feelings of fear or doubt in the relationship we reach out the the other person and do a check in and when we ask for the check in its our way of creating a safe space to bring anything up we need to talk about without fear of negative repercussions because the understanding is we are in the check in to fix whatever it is or at least form a game plan.... anyway I could go on for hours I have lots of feels and learns on this topic.
I'm trying to get over an awful break up, and this video was so helpful. I love your honesty in admiring bad patterns, because it makes me have hope that I could change too... Also ps I love your eyeliner, it looks so good with your dark hair!
I feel like a lot of this is maturity level! But I love this video especially the code words. You and Thomas have a great relationship I love how connected you are
Being married 10years, relationships are always a work in progress particularly during the hard times, make the most of good times. Loveing your videos 👍
Can you please make a video explaining how you can set your boundaries while still being flexible enough to make a relationship work..? I used to have a really hard time setting boundaries and now I have a feeling that I'm a bit too self centered if that makes sense? It's like I'm all "okay if you can't give me these things that I need, it's not gonna work, bye!" Can you talk about finding a middle ground?
i love this video so much. unfortunately it feels like i’ve come across this a little too late; i fucked up a relationship really quite terribly & i understand all these things rather late. but thank you for this all the same melanie; i’ve been watching you for ages but only just commenting now because watching this broke my heart even more, but this video is necessary, so thank you for it.❤️
I’ve had only two long term relationships. In the first one I felt pressured and hounded all the time. And in the second one it was the complete opposite, like it was extremely casual, open and long distance 😂 I loved it as an counter experience, but now I know I want a bit of romance in there and someone who cares a little about what I’m about. It’s like I had to taste the two extremes before I knew what I wanted. I want to be best friends and feel playful and be excited mostly, but also cuddles and romance and levelheadedness. I actually have this with my best friend, but I turned him down a few years ago (he told me how he felt right after my first breakup), because I wasn’t in the right headspace. I feel quite confident now about him, and I love him so much, but I think he’s moved on in his head. In any case, at least I now have an idea of what a good partner can mean. And I believe the universe has heard my intentions 😊 if he’s not the one, then I feel someone like him will come along. I think it’s important to have faith, otherwise we might settle for something mediocre at best.
Melanie Murphy Aww thanks for the response😊 the pink upper lid and black water line, with the green of your eyes works very well 💖💚🖤 Always let out that jazzy spirit
Melanie what a great video. I am married for 20+ years and most of your points I have learned along the way but its so easy to slip into taking your partner for granted. Some of the most simple things can make such a massive difference to a relationship, its when you stop (or don't start) things can go very wrong. Have liked this video so that i can watch it again and remind myself.
Robert Menzies thank you so much for sharing! I really want to prioritize NOT taking Thomas for granted but I’m anticipating that struggle as I can imagine it’s easy to do with time ❤️❤️
Your video helped me so much. I'm nearly 19. The point of being the person I would wanna date is so good. I made so many mistakes in my past datingphases and relationship.
Newly single after 7 freaking years. I guess we grew apart. Though we ended the relationship rather amicably (after an argument) I was in serious denial about breaking up and kept telling myself we would end up together again. While we're apart I'm starting to see that some of his attributes weren't what I wanted, and I shouldn't have to settle. At 25, I'm starting to develop what my "type" is. It's terrifying to have to go through this process of getting to know someone from square one again.
Let me know in a comment:
1) do you have a type? If so, do you tend to go for people who aren't good for you?
2) what's been YOUR biggest lesson in dating and relationships so far?
I have a physical preference- brown hair, glasses, beard, green eyes (all my current bf) but my last bf was complete opposite in every one of those lol! My biggest lesson learned is that when you’re feeling unfulfilled, do things FOR YOURSELF BY YOURSELF, and don’t expect your partner to heal you. You need to heal yourself and the relationship will flourish.
1. You look bloody gorgeous Melanie.
2. I had a habit of falling in love with fixing someone.
3. Biggest thing I've learnt is that your partner is sharing life with you. Not slaving their life to give to you. Relationships will fail if you have 1000 expectations of your partner.
I've only had one boyfriend, who I'm still with, I'm always attracted to blonds which might be basic but idc lol. I've learned to respect and set boundaries and learning to say no if I don't want to do something. Love your videos!
Think so far my type has been manipulative ‘waboc’s (not that that was the attraction) I’d say one of my biggest lessons is learning/knowing when things are worth fighting for...if it’s continuously one sided, reality tends to be that it’s not really going anywhere and their hearts not in it, and to have the strength to know if/when to throw the towel in.
I usually like people who are kind and have a similar sense of humour to me and also my type of girl is usually blonde hair blue eyes and with boys it's more varied but less common to feel attracted to a physical appearance. I find it so interesting how my liking boys and girls differs. This was a really interesting video though, thank you for sharing this.
I can’t remember where I first heard this, but when a problem arises, don’t see it as you vs your partner, but it’s you and your partner vs the problem. So simple but the difference it makes is mind blowing
I didnt know “the silent treatment” was a thing until i experienced it myself. The same goes for my partner. As soon as I recognized how toxic that actually was, I adressed it to him. When he became aware of this, he changed his behaviour.
I think those “red flags” doesn’t necessarily mean the end of an otherwise good relationship. I think they can be part of old habits, but if it’s actual love you share then you’d be willing to change in order to fix this
OH TOTALLY AGREE that's what I was talking about when I went into changing those habits in yourself once you're aware of them...like, with Thomas I've had to work on issues and if he just dropped me like a hot shit then I'd never have had the chance to realise how GOOD a healthy relationship can be! :) But yeah there's such a big difference between someone set in their ways, who always acts like nothing is their fault...and someone who acknowledges their issues xxx
Exactly 😁 good communication is key
@@jordanallen8420 thank you for your recommendation jordan. his services was good. he helped me get access to my wifes email messages.
My biggest lesson in relationships so far is a thing you mentioned: decision. Love is a decision, not a feeling, at least not entirely, that's so so true. You have to decide to show up and to choose that person, even if it's hard and even if things get tough (if it's a healthy relationship, of course).
If loves not a feeling what's the point?
@@suesheification love is a feeling, too, but if you depend on feeling in love, you probably will not have a successful long term relationship because a person cannot love 100% at all times.
Playing hot and cold is the most awful thing for you mental health, I swear. Cause when your partner suddenly becomes distant and careless for no reason, it makes you go absolutely insane, because most of the times you don’t even know what happened, what did you do to deserve to be treated like that, and they never tell. So you just sit there confused and wait for them to become their ‘normal’ self. And those moments, sometimes days or even weeks of waiting makes you feel so miserable.
Natalie Astravars if someone is doing this to you they don’t care about you at all wtf why anyone be with someone who doesn’t give asf about how upset you are
@@indiaxlovee imo its not tht easy to just leave...we, alreast I, try to rationalise it like "he might be stressd from work" "hes sick" "he might hve too much on his plate so I need to understand nd let him be cold like tht for awhile"... idk this is legit crap
I can relate so much...
Corentin Guillo sorry to hear that, mate. Hope you’ll find someone who treats you right, if you haven’t yet 💚
DEAD POOL yeah, I agree. Though, sometimes people are just assholes and don’t care about anyone but themselves. It can be hard to tell those apart from someone who’s just dealing with something and need some space. Especially if you’ve been in a toxic relationship for a long time and don’t know better and your self-confidence is destroyed. Conversation is the key, it’s very important to talk to each other
1) The older I got and the more I improved myself , the better people I attracted.
2) Your current partner is not your Ex, and you have to realise that problems you had in your last relationships may stay with you, so you have to reflect on those not only looking at your current relationship.
I was in a relationship with someone for six-and-a-half years, I was just about to turn 17 when it started and I was 23 when it ended. I thought I loved him, now looking back? I realise I never did. I never had a connection to him. NEVER. He was my first proper "crush" - we met in college so I was excited to go out with someone who had a crush on me too. So many people over the years asked me why I was with him, I always said I loved him. Well no, looking back it's because he made me feel worthless - like I should stick with him because no-one else would want me. He was manipulative, controlling and in the end, physically abusive. Now, at 25, I'm with someone that I genuinely am in love with. We have NEVER argued, NEVER had a "tiff" why? Because we respect each other and communicate well. We're adults. Friends have said "honeymoon phase", no, time doesn't change anything if you genuinely respect, care for and love each other. He genuinely is one of the kindest, most caring and wonderful people I have ever met. All we do is laugh together, mess about together but then we can be serious together. We work as a team, and that's something I adore.
I just wanted to say that not arguing or fighting isn’t always a good thing. It takes a certain comfort to be able to respectfully argue with your partner. When I was 25 I was with a man I never fought with- for the first time in my life. He was my best friend and I loved him. But two different people can’t get along perfectly all the time. I’m not saying this isn’t the right guy by any means. Who am I to know YOUR relationship? It’s just to say- if you end up getting in a fight, know that it doesn’t change that you are in a good and solid relationship. With my husband now, we fight on rare occasion. It took a good 8 months for us to ever argue. And at first I thought this meant something was wrong. But eventually I realized it was how we conducted ourselves. For example- neither of us saying things to intentionally hurt or trigger the other. 🖤 congratulations on being in a healthy and happy relationship 🥰
I do have a type. I'm into the fun, confident, dark haired, cocky, flirty kind of guy. I ended up being in a relationship with the sweetest, most loving, amazing, blonde guy, who couldn't flirt to save his life, though. And I love him to pieces and am rather convinced that he is the person I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.
wow. exactly the same situation for me.
@@alexandrahokanson It's funny how things work out sometimes...
Damn I know those are dangerous, but the charisma!! aghh
Also tall.
Your type is my type to the T! 😂😂 and I ended up with someone similar to what you described! He’s sweet, shy, and a hopeless romantic underneath all those walls he has even though he can’t flirt 😂
as a teenager i think we sometimes forget how little we know?? like i know some crazy smart teens, i know some wise ones too but we all need that whole “learn with time” thing and i absolutely loved this vid thanks for sharing
I feel like I was real dumb right up till I was about 21. I'm 23 now 😁
Timestamps
0:24 - Curb Your Enthusiasm dog meme (
Teekl Quinn aweee thank you for doing this! So helpful for people popping into my channel or watching in lil chunks 🥰
Can you do a video on “the talking stage” before a relationship begins? Like when you’re just getting to know the person. I’m wondering how to weed out the guys who don’t deserve my time and energy. Do I make them work for it? Or do I show that I’m interested? How do I show I’m interested without being too eager and letting them think they don’t need to put in any work?
Mary Winsor suuuch a good topic for a video! I will make a collab with my sis on this, I think...I’d need to chat to someone to get all my thoughts out! Xxx
Brilliant idea
@@melaniemurphyofficial Relating to this maybe also about the different about listening to you intuition or your fears? Like if you go on a date and it feels kind of off, how do you know it's your intuition or your fear. Because I feel like something if off quite often on a first date, and it happened a few times I just thought it was my fear about letting someone in, but then on the second or third date their crazy comes out 😂
Yes please 🙏
Yesyesyes I need this good idea
Literally love the idea of code words for when you're in an argument so the other person knows where you're at! Definitely going to try that with my husband 😂
My husband and I will be together for 25 years as of next month, and I have to say that you are spot on with your use of the word "decision." Over time, people go through different phases in their own growth, as well as growing together as a couple, and you have the opportunity to make the decision over and over again to be together. It might not always feel like butterflies, but it can be that way again after years too. For us, we have always decided to be a team, and we support each other in achieving our own individual goals, as well as doing the same for our daughter. I am much more of a homebody than he is, but we wound up moving halfway across the world to for an amazing opportunity for him, and in turn, he supports me in the things that are most important for my happiness. It really does get even better when couples make the decision over a number of years to be together. We have done things together that neither of us would have had the courage to try alone, and we are succeeding as individuals and as a family because of our mutual support. Thanks so much for sharing this video, here's to a lifetime of happiness for you and Thomas :)
oh my goodness I LOVED reading this comment, Sarah! Thanks so much for sharing, this made me smile from ear to ear
Do you think you might do one of these for friendships? I think it'd be super interesting to hear your advice and what you've learnt, especially since you have quite a few long distance friendships. Love you Mel 💚
Isidora Vitorovic omg yes!!
Please, please do! I really need that video right now
This is EXACTLY what I needed today. I’m only 20 now, but I’m really trying to learn these things early 😊
“I just really want everyone to be happy”...bless your beautiful soul Melanie, thank you for putting such positivity out into the world! 😘
Omg I totally feel you on when a partner is "hot and cold" like one day so loving and then cold the next as a method of control almost...its super manipulative. Currently in a relationship like that right now and they always try to make me feel like it's my fault.
Sarah C that’s a really difficult thing to go through. It sounds like this might not be the right relationship for you. You deserve someone who chooses to be loving every day.
Why are you in this relationship?
Shona Galloway girl sama
I hope you find someone better, the regret later is really bad trust me i stayed in on for a Full year when i was younger and i still regret it now....
Update: I cut him out of my life. It was hard but I did it. Couldnt tolerate the abuse and manipulation anymore.
I didn’t think I have a type until I saw a pattern on the people I liked. I seem to like people who are either charming, smart, or talented; just someone who carries themselves well. But also yes, these people that I liked somehow used that charm to take advantage of me (financially, emotionally and sexually) because I’m the type to give my all to the people I like. I do think I have to note that I’ve admitted my feelings to most of the people I’ve liked while never as much stated they actually did like me. I was just taking whatever I can get from them whether it be the joy they feel when I give them stuff or do something for them. After a couple of years, I realized how toxic that actually was and even though it was neither dating nor a relationship, I learned to set boundaries for myself and never let people love me less than I love myself. I also realized to distance myself immediately from the person after realizing that they’re being toxic because I would justify a lot of the things others did to me which was just wrong.
I actually learned a lot from this video. I LOVE IT! Thank you for another wonderful vid, Mel~
Omg, I can’t emphasize enough how important communication is! It’s the worst thing when two people don’t talk to each other, suppressing thoughts and emotions, it’s poisonous for your relationship. Cause it piles up and then you explode, and things get really ugly.
i was actually really nervous to watch this video as i think i have let some toxic habits develop in my relationship recently and i basically didn't want to be called out haha. some of them stem from a depressive period and i just didn't resolve those crappy habits and some stem from how i've been treated previously and acting a certain way to get a certain reaction i.e making my boyfriend feel god awful for something small so he'll feel bad and give me more affection (ex did not love me at all). it is SO hard for me to break some of these habits, even though i love my boyfriend so very much! thank you for putting this out there so i could address my shitty habits 💕
I've been guilty of quite a few toxic behaviours in my lifetime and all I wanna do is shake people to let them know they can choose to change and they CAN change! :)
When I got married to my husband, we wrote our own service to reflect our belief that love is a choice. We borrowed a bit from some online scripts and rewrote parts to fit us. Here's one part of what my brother said at our ceremony (he married us):
You fell in love by chance, and the power of the internet, but you’re here today because you’re making a choice. You both are choosing each other. You’ve chosen to be with someone who enhances you, who makes you think, makes you smile, and makes your days brighter.
You’re about to make a promise to each other. You’re going to vow to take care of each other, to stand up for each other, and find happiness in each other. There’s a simple premise to each of these promises: you’re vowing to show up and be there. You’re teaming up and saying to the other, “Every experience I am going to have, I want you to be a part of.”
Beth B Crafts 😭🙌🏻❤️
24 and never been in a relationship but I have 6 more years to go to form relationship habits. Lets gooooo and thanks Mel for this!
You briefly mentioned this, but I think it is so so important to not ever launch personal attacks/name calling when fighting with your partner. I see friends doing that, and it turns fights so nasty and it can be hard to forgive when the conflict blows over. I'm really grateful my husband and I have always taken care to only focus on the problem without being cruel to one another, even if we're really upset.
this could not have come at a better time!! i'm 22 and have just left an 8 year relationship so dating is SO new to me, and i am SO quickly learning what to do and what not to do, what are bad habits and what is just authentic me... so this video is super helpful, thank you! :)
It’s comforting to know that you’re making this video, giving advice, but still knowing that there is still things you have to work on. I always worry that I have to be absolutely perfect in my relationship, but I realise after this video that that’s not possible, but it is okay to admit that you’re working on things. Thank you for this.☺️
Being vulnerable is the hardest HARDEST things I ever had to do, I'm with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs and only in the last few months have I truly started to be okay with being completely vulnerable and not feel this huge anxiety and fear around vulnerability but I really see how positively it has affected my overall mental state
So yeah
Really hard but really worth it
Learning your attachment style is sooooo helpfull to understand what to work on to be better in a relationship!
I'm anxiously attached and my partner is away on holliday with friends so my anxiety has been higher than usual but this video really helped me realise that our relationship is healthy and has so many amazing aspects and that its normal to have things to work on and that everything isnt always super easy. This was really just what I needed right now so thank you!
I think it is very important to say that one has to acknowledge feelings like jealousy, because suppressing them mostly comes back at you and explodes in a totally destructive way. I think it's very interesting that you say you should to become a person that you want to date yourself but at the same time you need to feel certain feelings and talk about them. When I started dating I tried to be the perfect girlfriend and surpressed many emotions just to avoid conflicts and I totally pressured myself a lot. It is really important to state that even if you have to work on yourself you are still allowed to feel things. Feelings are very important parts of relationships - good and bad. And it's okay to feel angry or sad sometimes but it's more the way you communicate those feelings to others that is important. Love your content and honesty - keep up the good work! :)
Emily Katze what I meant by that was, I appreciate honesty and vulnerability from a partner, so that’s why I talked about how important it is to admit stuff like jealousy xxx completely agree with you ☺️ I just think toxic behavior is sooo different from having feelings, ye know? The way people DEAL with their feelings can be toxic ❤️
Hi Melanie, I just wanted to thank you for making this video. Your train metaphor really spoke to me and made me realise that I can’t keep waiting for my on and off ex to finally realise he wants to be with me; I need to move on. I cut contact today because I just can’t do it anymore. Thank you for giving me the confidence to finally choose me x
I’m going through a break up, and this really helps me see what kind of a partner I want. I don’t feel so bad getting dumped anymore. We had our honeymoon period but after a while, along with some fights he chose to not to be with me anymore. It’s okay.
This was so helpful and insightful, especially when you were talking about vulnerability. I have also denied feeling jealous and I recognize now how it's important to practice transparency with yourself first
I love this series! I'm in my 20s and learning so much from these 💚💚💚
Zofka awww YASSSS! Best thing to read for encouragement with videos like this 🥰
You mentioned hormones.
I experienced my hormones affecting my relationship SO much.
To the point, where literally every month I wanted to break up due to my lack of self worth, amplified by hormones.
I considered going on the birth control, but I don’t like the way it affects me.
I tried Hum Nutrition’s moody bird supplements and it’s CHANGED my hormones. I’m more happier and peaceful on my period.
I still get quite sad, but it’s more manageable. Would definitely recommend!
I have been really prone to toxic behaviours in relationships due to past trauma and I’m finally really getting into addressing these behaviours and honestly one of the biggest helps that I’ve been blessed with is having a partner who can listen to the reasons for why you react to things the way you do and being patient enough to know it’s not a quick fix, yet still appreciate the effort you’re consistently putting in to Change. Relationships become so so much stronger for sharing and changing and helping each other become better people.
I love that siri made it through the other side of the editing process. Lol✌💜
THE BEST INFLUENCER BY FAR, influencing us in such positive ways!! xo
I have pretty much came up to so many similar conclusions after my previous relationship went up into flames, and in May I met a guy and we connected really well and funnily enough we were both scared to go into something too quick, we were both trying to pace ourselves and take the time to know the person which has been such a great decision because even though we ended up dating in July it is such a loving, sweet, easygoing relationship. It has been amazing to see how just communicating your feeling can make the relationship ten times better. I can so clearly see now my past mistakes with assuming the worst and letting emotions get the better of me and I can also see how different it is when both people are on a similar more compatible emotional and in general maturity level. Awesome video, you and Thomas are absolute sweethearts and it’s amazing to see you so happy!
Love this! I been with my husband for 8 years. He is the reason I get off from work on time to come home to him. We have a really healthy relationship and part of it is because I made a conscious choice to change, to be the person I would like to be married to, to be more patient, to THINK before I speak, to always receive him with a smile and a hug.
I've been learning this lately. I am just out of a toxic relationship and I think I definitely needed to go through it to understand what a toxic relationship does to you. For me it eroded my sense of self and kept me giving more than I was getting in the hopes that I would at some point feel worthy of love. I think it's so important to recognise your own toxic behaviours and I'm really glad you did that in this video. I am so happy for you and Thomas, it's really inspiring to see two people love each other the way you do.
Feel so proud that I practise these things in my relationship! It took me a lot of thinking time, as well as being told things I didn't want to hear, but I think I can now safely say that my relationship with my boyfriend is super healthy. I was a pretty terrible girlfriend for quite a while, but I've since realised this and amended my behaviours, and I'm working on making it up to my boyfriend for all the unfair stress I put them through. Thank you for this video Mel, makes me feel super secure and even more happy
On Vulnerability, books by Brene Brown are good ( look, at her TED talk too), she talks about vulnerability on both a personal level, professional level and in relationships both romantic and platonic
Mel you are just so clever, thanks for pointing out to all this issues that we deep down are aware of but are not able to see them as what they are unless we are reminded.
I was seeing someone else (who I was obsessed with at the time) when I met my husband, but I knew I'd marry him before we were even going out. We've been together 11 years, married for 7 - it's been the best!
That hot and cold comment really got me. My ex was like that for sure and after the breakup I spent a lot of time wondering how I had put up with it for so long. But you're right, it's like keeping someone on a leash. They very much had me confused as to what exactly was happening and second guessing myself all the while. It's terribly destructive, and also very controlling and manipulative. It's a sign of behaviour that I never knew to look out for before but have since learned to keep a keen eye on, and to pass along my experience to friends who seem to be concerned or confused by the same type of behaviour. If someone is hot and cold, question THEIR behaviour don't question you own self worth or lovability.
Steph Boyko 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💚 I am so sorry you went through that! When I acted like that between 16 and 20, it was all out of insecurity...I wasn’t in a place to be a good partner to anyone! And experiencing someone else acting like that is so bloody unsettling xxx
@@melaniemurphyofficial your video and comment have been very validating for me! Thank you for the content that you make
@@melaniemurphyofficial Both this video and you comment have been so validating. Thank you for making the content that you do!
I'm so glad I watched this - and not just because you're one of my favourite TH-camrs: I think it's just so easy to slip into a lot of the negative habits that you mentioned, and then be surprised with how 'hard' love turns out to be. I do believe that love isn't 'hard', it just needs mindfulness and conscious involvement on part of the people concerned. It feels like so few of us were brought up with positive views, examples and approaches to romantic relationships, and when things go wrong in our own lives it becomes even more difficult to assimilate and apply positive lessons instead. Thank you for bringing up all of these topics in your videos, it is helpful for all of us
MELANIE! YOU LOOK SO STUNNING IN THIS VIDEO (and all the time but I think it's the smokey smudgey bit under the eye. It's making your eyes POP)
Melanie, I can't thank you enough for this video. I know you probably won't see this but I really hope you do. Until my current boyfriend I'd been in incredibly toxic relationships and I was starting to project the way previous partners had treated me onto my current partner. I also, due to my trust issues, was always so afraid to fully open up to him and always questioning our relationship. I'd always either give the silent treatment or shout when we'd argue and despite this he was so amazing at understanding why I was behaving the way I was and calming me down. This video changed our whole relationship. I realised I couldn't paint him with the same brush as all my exes and that he deserved to be treated better. When I was in a bad mood I needed to make a decision not to take it out on him and treat him with more love and respect, even when I wasn't in the mood. I try my best to communicate more when I'm upset (even though I'm still learning with this part). I'm now in the healthiest relationship of my life and am starting to become someone that I feel he deserves. I've stopped doubting our relationship and decided to work as hard as possible because he is so lovely and so worth it. Thank you so so much x
I cannot even explain how helpful this video is!! Also thank you for opening up about your own toxic habits and how you have worked through them. That is a tough and scary thing to do but is so helpful!!
This video honestly speaks to me a lot. I'm still pretty young as far as dating and relationships go but I've already struggled a lot with relationships in the past and I hope that I can practice a lot of the things you talked about in the future.
I don't consider myself to have a "type" because I am a hopeless bisexual who can find many different types of people amazingly attractive but I do find myself being drawn towards men with long dark hair consistently. Perhaps I do have a type but I'm just in denial 😅 Unfortunately I do seem to be attracted to people who are bad for me, I think because I put out a lot of "I just want to do what makes you happy" kind of energy but often forget to think about myself.
Biggest dating/relationship lesson is not to date for the sake of it, stop being dependent on romantic relationships and just be patient. Seeking someone out when you're not ready is a bad idea.
It's very hard for me right now to distinguish between my gut feeling and the feeling of fear or "unnecessary doubts".
I don't know if I explained that right. But it's holding me back at the moment....
Oh yeah and I take things personally almost all the time 🤦
this series is soooo good !! please keep going , im working on choosing better , not people that treats me badly , tryin loving myself before i love someone truly.
One thing I can add to this list is don't try to make something work when it doesn't have any foundation! In my six year relationship I knew from the start that we had different views on family dynamics, life in our 20s, work and ambitions but I kept trying as if I thought that he would change his views or his mind. At the end- we completly evolved in to two polar opposite people with completly different desires in life and I could have saved myself those 6 years right in the begining
Kristina Isakovic I did touch on this a couple of times in the video...knowing when to walk away is SO important, and really getting to know someone first! Xxxxxx
Melanie every time I watch one of your fantastic and insightful sit down chats I feel like I’m listening to a friend. Thank you for your great advice which has helped me as a young woman to become more confident in myself. Lots of love from York, England 😊
I don't think that this video has got all the attention it deserves. Being 25 I have read so sooo many articles and heard people talking about relationships countless times since my teens. This is a rare exception of someone giving actual advice like an older sister or a close friend, without sounding like a relationship ''guru'' who's just full of cliche bul*@t. Very useful especially for people who don't have much dating experience. Thank you Melanie
awww, this comment is SO encouraging! Honestly, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! xxxxx
I don’t necessarily need this video, but I just like listening to you talk 💚
Alayna Joy I’m the EXACT SAME with your channel! 💚 I MISS YOU BEAUTIFUL
Thank you melanie for always triggering things that aren’t working in my relationships, or the things I can work on myself to be better at relationships... You are truly my life guiding angel 🙏🏻 what will I do without your wiseful videos?? Ily and will always support you 💚
This is such a good video, thank you for sharing! ❤ You're right, we need to go through the good and bad experiences to learn about ourselves and our relationship patterns. It takes courage, patience and perseverance. I'm in a relationship now and I can relate to everything you said, all the healthy habits for a good relationship. They're all worth it. Whatever you do, respect your partner and yourself. ❤
A really important thing I have learned: common interest in each other! If you are in the let's call it "getting to know/ first flirting" stage, look out for those shitheads that only like you because you listen to them talk, without asking about your life/stuff. It doesn't matter how sexy/interesting that person is. They do not truly care for you, I had to learn the hard way. Such an important video, Mel! Smashing with the content =3!
Yes, yes, yes! I'm getting way too excited over this but it's just so refreshing to find a lady that's self-aware and willing to call out her sisters when necessary. We need more of this.
These are the type of lessons of self-awareness us ladies where hoping to find in our teenage magazines in stead of the ever so dangerous 'this is what he means when he says...' or 'this is how you know he's into you' ..Ten years later at 20 something most of us have some toxic patterns to get rid of and we realize we need to figure it out for ourselves..
I’m maybe a year older than you. And I really enjoy these videos because it’s a good way to compare and contrast experiences, and to validate the positive behaviors that have come out of toxic behaviors for me. 🖤
I’ve found this video so helpful for finding strategies to manage bickers and arguments in relationships. After watching this I’ve really started thinking about my reactions and feelings in the relationship and have been able to properly reflect on it using some of the habits you’ve mentioned. Another amazing video and so inspirational- thank you Melanie 💞
Love your code words. Wish I saw this a year ago. I've been in a relationship where all the red flags applied and I stilled stuck it out until I was drained. I've been "self-partnered" for most of this year to just learn who I am and what I want because I have been going from one relationship to another without realizing who I am when I'm just by myself. Anyway, I'm rambling. Needed this. Thank you!
I feel a great sense of joy hearing someone overcome personal hurdles. Way to go, Mel!
I always felt guilty for feeling like I had to make that 'decision' to love someone on days when I've felt awful. It's soo nice to hear that it's ok to have to make that conscious decision sometimes, and that its not an unhealthy behaviour. Just to clarify, it always passes and I feel better knowing I didn't take my bad mood out on my boyfriend. Great video :)
I couldn't relate more. I am in the best relationship of my life and it's through hard work, communication and respect. I've done SO much work on myself and I think our whole life is about learning to be our best selves. It's an adventure.
Fantastic video with sooo much good advice. The one thing I want to add, is that when your in a relationship (especially when you don't have much experience) it's easy to hear advice, but not realize that it's something your going through, because while your partner may have toxic behaviours, they are still a full, realized, human being with many good traits too. What I've realized in my late 20s, is to pay attention to how your feeling, REALLY pay attention. While one of my ex's was a gentle, kind, hilarious person. 70% of the time I felt uneasy or like I wasn't an important person in his life. And that's because he was emotionally unavailable, with a very low need for any sort of affection. He often couldn't handle conflict, and wanted to keep me at arms length. That was his way of caring and loving someone. But when we were together, having fun, I was usually blind to that.
So pay deep attention to your feelings, and how your partner often makes you feel.
Thank you for talking about this! And also for acknoledging that you yourself have some not-so-great or toxic behaviours and showing that you work on them! I know that I have some toxic things I do that I'm working on.
I really never watch such long video where the person just talks but somehow I watched this till end. It makes so much sense💓😇
I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I just realized our relationship lacked so many things and these habits would've definitely made a huge difference :/
I've learnt that when I'm struggling with my mental health I just need to give my partner a heads up. Trying to hide it just leads to me lashing out but communication makes the rollercoaster so much easier.
This is so thought provoking and educational! I honestly feel like I’m coming and listening to a best friend or a sister 💕 thank you Melanie!!! x
I totally agree with everything you said in this video!
My husband and I have been together for 9 years and have a super happy and healthy marriage. I get asked about it a lot and I tell people that I waited for the right person, we never say mean or unkind things to each other even when we're angry, we calmly talk thru any problems we do run into with the intention of working it out rather than trying to be right, we laugh a ton and make time to do things that we enjoy, we are both self aware and have learned how to deal with our own emotions in healthy ways, and one of the most important things is that we really let each other be....meaning we don't make each other do things the other doesn't want to, we don't nag at each other, and we let the other have space to have their own life and interests.
But I would never have this healthy marriage if I hadn't screwed up a bunch of relationships before and learned from those mistakes.
im so glad i found your channel, im in highschool so navigating relationships is difficult, especially being bisexual. i was feeling a bit stressy and taking 20 minutes to sit down with a cup of tea was definitely helpful, thank u for being my online big sister, sending all the love from scotland
ahhh love these honest habits video’s, they’re really helping me. Thanks so much for making these 💚💚💚
I don't know how to begin to express how much I love this video! Makes me look forward to have a relationship again and try my best to do things right. Ily 😘
Exactly what I needed after my 2 recent breakups: some hope. Currently putting myself first and working on bettering myself.
Thank you so much
Thank you for existing!! There should be more people like you in the world, this is the third video I watch and I just adore you and your channel, and that you are such a healthy lovely person! I will work real hard from now on so I can grow from my bad habits and be like you someday
what a LOVELY comment! so so encouraging!
Right now I’m an 18 year old girl and you’ve inspired me to stop bringing excuses and start working hard
to bring the best version of myself with help and support from the people I love the most, starting right now! So I thank you for encouraging more people to take care of themselves and spreading so much love and positiveness! nwn From my heart I wish you the best~
Wow, it’s amazing this turned up in my recommendations, I have never watched videos like this before, but it was so needed now, I’m learning to work on my toxic traits to help my partner 💜 I miss him but I need to learn to deal with my own shit instead of putting it all on him. This is so helpful, thank you. Xx
Sadie Williams you are so, so welcome! ❤️ xxx
The regulate your emotions one REALLY resonated with me. I need to hear your voice echo in my head every time i’m being a moody cow for no reason and snap at my boyfriend - because he doesn’t deserve it and he would never snap at me. I sometimes snap and raise my voice out of nowhere and wonder why the fuck i just did that.
This is such a great video! I've been happily married for 8 years, and I agree with everything you said. THIS IS HIGH QUALITY ADVICE! I'm so glad that you made this video and I hope it helps a lot of people!
trekkiebeth 🥰👏🏻🙌🏻💋💚
It was such a well-rounded video, thank you Melanie! I can definitely relate to these habits, there are some I learnt very hard, there are some I’ll still need to master 😅
I used to have a type, I mainly went more for aesthetics and a couple of traits that I would have wanted a potential boyfriend to have, but as time went by I always found that we’re not compatible at all, I just went into the idea of a relationship too quickly.
That would be my biggest mistake I’ve made, falling for someone too fast...
Now I’m single for the first time since I’m 16, after a series of monogamous relationships, I’m 24 now. I don’t really have a type anymore, I find different looking people beautiful for different reasons, and I’d only settle for someone really special whom I can have loads of fun with but equally being able to have serious conversations as well. Something like what you and Thomas have because giiirl... #couplegoals is real!! 💚
I would love to hear you talk about body hair and how that plays into self body image. Personally I have been struggling with this lately, I absolutely HATE going in for a wax, but it’s the only solution I’ve found to work for my body. I feel like it’s not fair for me to feel bad about my body hair. I refuse to go have it permanently removed, as I find it way to expensive and I don’t think it’s well enough researched. I find that the fact that I worry about this is a symptom of the way I have been taught that my body is for the world to judge and I am trying to work though that (it actually affects the way I perceive my self worth on a given day). But in the end I still would feel embarassed about walking around with hairy legs or going to the beach with hair on my belly or my bikini line.
Anyway I would love for you to make a video on this, if you feel comfortable with the subject.
Love your videos and your overall message!
I am honestly so grateful for all my terrible toxic relationships in my 20s because I learned so very much. Not only did I learn so much about myself but I learned the kind of partner I wanted to be and what I ACTUALLY want in a partner. I never had an example of what a health relationship looked like and I didn't really have friends that I was that close with once I started dating to tech or warn or help me work though things. But with every failed relationship came this incredible opportunity to learn and grow. I really like the type of person as well as partner I have become. And now that I feel like I have truly fell in love for the first time I have this really healthy fear of losing it. Which helps me decide to keep our relationship in the forefront everyday. To make time everyday for him. To ask "How was you day" and really care to hear the answer. Whenever we get those random feelings of fear or doubt in the relationship we reach out the the other person and do a check in and when we ask for the check in its our way of creating a safe space to bring anything up we need to talk about without fear of negative repercussions because the understanding is we are in the check in to fix whatever it is or at least form a game plan.... anyway I could go on for hours I have lots of feels and learns on this topic.
I'm trying to get over an awful break up, and this video was so helpful. I love your honesty in admiring bad patterns, because it makes me have hope that I could change too... Also ps I love your eyeliner, it looks so good with your dark hair!
I feel like a lot of this is maturity level! But I love this video especially the code words. You and Thomas have a great relationship I love how connected you are
Oh my goodness MELANIE MURPHY
THAT CLIP AT THE START 😂😂😂😂
Also you look amazing wow 🤩
Jessie B I LOVE that those old vids exist you were such a lil baba! 😂❤️
Being married 10years, relationships are always a work in progress particularly during the hard times, make the most of good times. Loveing your videos 👍
Can you please make a video explaining how you can set your boundaries while still being flexible enough to make a relationship work..? I used to have a really hard time setting boundaries and now I have a feeling that I'm a bit too self centered if that makes sense? It's like I'm all "okay if you can't give me these things that I need, it's not gonna work, bye!" Can you talk about finding a middle ground?
Thank you so much Melanie for doing this video, in my 20s now and needed this so much. Such an inspiration
i love this video so much. unfortunately it feels like i’ve come across this a little too late; i fucked up a relationship really quite terribly & i understand all these things rather late. but thank you for this all the same melanie; i’ve been watching you for ages but only just commenting now because watching this broke my heart even more, but this video is necessary, so thank you for it.❤️
I’ve had only two long term relationships. In the first one I felt pressured and hounded all the time. And in the second one it was the complete opposite, like it was extremely casual, open and long distance 😂 I loved it as an counter experience, but now I know I want a bit of romance in there and someone who cares a little about what I’m about.
It’s like I had to taste the two extremes before I knew what I wanted. I want to be best friends and feel playful and be excited mostly, but also cuddles and romance and levelheadedness.
I actually have this with my best friend, but I turned him down a few years ago (he told me how he felt right after my first breakup), because I wasn’t in the right headspace. I feel quite confident now about him, and I love him so much, but I think he’s moved on in his head.
In any case, at least I now have an idea of what a good partner can mean. And I believe the universe has heard my intentions 😊 if he’s not the one, then I feel someone like him will come along. I think it’s important to have faith, otherwise we might settle for something mediocre at best.
Love the video in general, but really really love the code word system. Never thought of that before.
oh gooood i relate so much to your behavior earlier. but it gives me a lot of hope that you learned or unlearned all that😊thank you✨💜
The timing of me watching this video was perfect. Seriously, thank you. 💚
you are so, SO welcome! Reading comments like this really encourages me a lot so thanks for taking the time to write those few words for me xxx
Your Eyes Look AMAZING🔥🔥
thanks as always for they great advice💚
ahh, thank you! I usually never wear black eyeliner on my water line anymore but that day I was feeling a bit jazzy lol
Melanie Murphy
Aww thanks for the response😊
the pink upper lid and black water line, with the green of your eyes works very well
💖💚🖤
Always let out that jazzy spirit
Melanie what a great video. I am married for 20+ years and most of your points I have learned along the way but its so easy to slip into taking your partner for granted. Some of the most simple things can make such a massive difference to a relationship, its when you stop (or don't start) things can go very wrong. Have liked this video so that i can watch it again and remind myself.
Robert Menzies thank you so much for sharing! I really want to prioritize NOT taking Thomas for granted but I’m anticipating that struggle as I can imagine it’s easy to do with time ❤️❤️
Your video helped me so much. I'm nearly 19. The point of being the person I would wanna date is so good. I made so many mistakes in my past datingphases and relationship.
Newly single after 7 freaking years. I guess we grew apart. Though we ended the relationship rather amicably (after an argument) I was in serious denial about breaking up and kept telling myself we would end up together again. While we're apart I'm starting to see that some of his attributes weren't what I wanted, and I shouldn't have to settle. At 25, I'm starting to develop what my "type" is. It's terrifying to have to go through this process of getting to know someone from square one again.
I'm doing my ALEVELS at the minute and these videos calm me so much, love from Belfast💚
I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT! TH-cam calmed me so much when I was in uni! :) x
@@melaniemurphyofficial OMG thank you so much these are also brill study videos to have on the background 😍😍
@@ashlinggrace4744 Sameeee
Thank you for this, helps a lot. Be proud of what you do and who you are. 💚💚💚