You're very much correct. I want you to understand that this man has a lot of friends. Like a lot of absolute bastards, he is a popular individual with a strong public persona and we are both still living in the same area and circulating in partly the same world. It affects the way I discuss what happened to me even to this day. It causes me to warp my telling of the facts to make allowances and downplay situations, unfortunately. Although I have been honest about absolutely everything in this video, I have refrained from saying certain things too, not only because I feel 'invisible eyes' on me but also because he is extremely good at acquiring 'flying monkeys' (as the phraseology goes) who are manipulated by his (admittedly impressive) 'fragile man who regrets his behaviour' routine. All of this has made me view my story slightly differently than I would view it if it happened to someone else. I agree with you, basically. But it is not easy for me to put the word 'violence' to his behaviour. Describing the terrible actions of a person who is very socially protected is a complex business. Thanks for your comment.
Like there’s many morals to this video, but the most tangible one for me is: when in doubt, write your journal diligently like your life depends on it.
case-building: I've heard people say that if you find yourself taking notes and receipts when someone talks to you, you're being gaslit. *** This all is exactly how perfectly normal people end up in absolutely wild and dangerous cults. An abusive relationship is a cult of two. ["cult" as in high-control group, not new religious movement]
That makes sense. As a victim of workplace bullying, I still communicate mainly through email to keep track of everything said. And at my old workplace, I would write down everything said and done between me and others to have some kind of evidence for when I’d be pulled aside because of some bullshit
Or if you find yourself googling 'is ---' abuse, it likely is. When there's no abuse, people don't Google. There's no need to go and check. So if you're googling, that's you're answer. Trust yourself. X
Thank you for sharing. I have a friend who I think is going through this. It would be great to hear more of how you managed to actually get away in the end. X
Yep, the last relationship I was in, he presented himself as such a "nice guy". I fell for it, hook line and sinker. I believe he was a narcissist, but in the end labels don't really matter. Emotional abuse is just that, whatever the personality type. But covert narcs often seem so "nice" (at first).
I’m writing this through tears as a 66 year old who can identify with so many of the examples you’ve given. The over giving, thinking someone would crumble without me, looking for any praise I could get from my partner of almost 40 years. Walking on egg shells for fear I didn’t anticipate their needs and feel their disappointment in me. The guilt of subjecting my daughter to the same. There’s not enough room here to write everything that resonates. I’ve gone from taking no one crap to never letting my voice be heard. How eye opening to realize I’ve allowed this and wonder what I am getting out of this. Feeling scared because wondering where do I go from here because this is not my true self. Thank you for being so honest and so eloquently explaining your situation. So glad your long road has turned out happily.
There are resources on the NHS website. In England, it's called Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline. There's separate lines for Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. If you're in another country, try searching for "National Abused Women's Hotline."
'I’ve gone from taking no one's crap to never letting my voice be heard.' Woah, that sentence is so profound. That version of you that takes no crap and expects respect is still alive in you. ♥ Thank you so much for watching x
This...God....this... thank you so, so much for sharing this. Relationships like this seem to be so prevalent nowadays, however the victims always feel so alone. I've learned it is SO important to share these stories, as stories like these saved my life. They gave me the strength to pick myself up off the floor, fight back, take back my power, and get out. Stories like these became a source of drive, when I had none. Knowing I wasn't alone. Knowing I CAN change my own reality, knowing I could get the FUCK out... it's stories and souls like you, that gave me the ability to save my own life. Thank you. Also, I am a poet and I DID write a book about my ex. About all the emotions I went through, going through the hell of a narcissistic relationship. It was the biggest achievement of my life, and probably the biggest slap in the face I could ever give him. Letting the world know who he was, and a reminder to myself just how strong I really am. 😊
The part about the inner child taking over because of specific aspects of a romantic relationship was really eye opening, as well as the “you’re not immune.” part, thanks for this video!
What concerns me most is that these people are out there - and a massive amount of them, and we dont have any protection against them. No laws, no social support, nothing. They can do what they want, destroy people, families (my dad was all you described and more), generations, without any justice. And we are all susceptible. Just randomly this people decide you are their next victim, and boom! There goes a huge chunck of your life in a crazy traumatic situation. Ubelievable😳😓
Not true. We’re not produce on a shelf they can pick at will. They prey on people who don’t have boundaries, who are codependent or people pleasers, who seriously doubt themselves, who seek external validation, and who have a need to prove themselves to others. A person who has boundaries and is ok with walking when their needs aren’t met is a predator’s kryptonite.
Narcissistic people have been around since the dawn of time millions have experienced this yet HUGE difference is people talk more openly about it. Education & evaluation in relationships like she stated " love bombing is given 6months in 6 wks " the more we share our experience the less people fall prey . This is a male only issue women have done the same. The more we know the more protected we all are
I had a relationship with a malignant narcissist 2007 - 2009 that treated me in the ways that you discuss in this video. I didn't fully learn about manipulation, narcissism, until later. Now, I am fully educated on at least 8 forms of narcissism. I will not tolerate another narcissist in my life because I now recognize the red flags. I am a sensitive empath and we are the cream of the crop, the most delicious decadent food for the narcissist. Me and my sweetness will never be food again for a narcissist or other related personality profile types. Yes Kelly-Ann, we love that you discuss these types of experiences on your channel! You are so loved and respected! Thank you!
That part about the wounded child never being truly healed hits so deep. What a great (and painful) thing to keep in mind. I haven’t dated for three years after a toxic relationship. I had a lot of therapy meanwhile and am ready to try again soon. I still have a lot of work to do on how to recognise red flags. Videos like this are so important and instrumental in recognising potential toxic partners. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I was engaged to a man who behaved in all the ways you mentioned here. Ironically, he was a psychiatrist. He eventually lost his license to practice and was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder by a top forensic psychologist from Chicago. We lived together for 5 years before I finally was able to break it off. He tried hoovering me over the next year. Now he has moved on as he found another supply. It was the biggest brain fuck I ever experienced. I'm so glad you got out and went to therapy. I did exactly the same, and I am continuing in therapy. You are not alone. Those of us who are highly intelligent and empathic are exactly the sort they are looking for. Stay strong! ❤
I think for me there was a level of shame about age, that I’d be this many years old and yet I’m struggling with something supposedly as juvenile as an asshole boyfriend? Was deeply embarrassed I got into it, was embarrassed I stayed, still embarrassed sometimes that I went through it.
Forgiveness is for you, not the abuser. Forgive yourself, not the narcissist/abuser. They do not deserve your forgiveness. Nor are they entitled to it. But you are.
I totally understand. I felt the age thing, the 'I help people with this for a living' thing, the 'there were so many red flags' thing.. At the end of the day, you have to witness and embrace the part of you that didn't have all that context and wisdom. If we work with parts then we accept that not all of our parts are strong, wise and emotionally sophisticated. Some are wounded, unsure and easily led. When triggered back to those versions of you, events can transpire that you would never usually allow, and that's something you need to be able to witness from a place of understanding rather than judgement. I hope that makes sense, darling. Always lovely to see your face here. x
This is why narcissists are so fucking dangerous. I’m so glad you’re sharing this. Ppl who haven’t experienced it do not understand how methodical, pernicious, and orchestrated it is. It’s like there’s a published manual for these types. You share your story and any other person will say omg this is the same thing mine said to me. Why don’t you leave? Well, obviously any person would go nah, fuck off if someone just came up to you on the street and did these things. But if you’re engaging in the possibility of an intimate relashe, then you’re going to feel compassionate and open and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But they have games. They keep you off balance which is why you can’t get your head right. That’s how they keep you. Lovebomb, devalue, discard. It’s a cycle. And they’re starting to draw correlation between cults and romantic relationships with narcissists in studies. Which is why cults usually also are run by narcissists. This shit fucks you up. I’m also educated and experienced in psychology and narcissism and still have had more than one relationship like this. I could write a book. If you’re someone who is naturally empathic and emotionally intelligent, you attract this type. I’m still trying to unpack this and untrain my mind heart imbalance from this. The highs are always very high and the lows, equal. It does something similar to your brain chemistry as drug addiction- another thing they’re beginning to study more. Ik this is long and I could say sooo much more. But I just think this is so important to talk about. It’s lovely you decided to talk about your experience. Thank you for sharing. Love you and your content is so important. It makes a difference. Much love ❤
That's exactly it! They don't start right off the bat with the crazy-making behavior, it's escalates slowly over time. So slowly, you don't even realize it's happening! Then when the first "incident" happens, you rationalize their behavior, because it seems so "out of character". But the truth is, it's EXACTLY their character! I was already pretty well educated about narcissism before I met "him", but even I failed to realize who and what he was, and what was actually happening. I am grateful to be 3 years out of that relationship, and I hope to NEVER become entangled with another of these types again!
Having a visceral reaction to this because oh man... sounds familiar. Never ever fking ever negotiating with a person like this anymore. To assert normal boundaries just to be then made to feel like a ridiculous person and a bully. Thank fking god you got out holy shhhit.!!!
Thank you so much for sharing this. Every victim of every kind of abu$€ and also everyone who knows what harm a toxic relationship can do knows how important it is to share our stories with others. The experiences we share are a source of information, of support, of inspiration and of hope. And if one single life is changed for the better because of listening to this, it was more than worth it.
This sounds like a toxic covert narcissist. I'm sorry you have gone through this. People with an avoidance attachment style also act similarly but I feel like this is more severe and flips over into narc territory. I'm so so glad you got out of this and we're able to look at and find what you could learn from it. ❤❤❤ You are so strong to have gotten out as soon as you did.
I was telling myself for a while that it was avoidant attachment and that the behaviour was coming from fear of our closeness, and this enabled me to downplay and rationalise the cruel treatment and the lies. It is so hard to see straight when someone knows exactly what to say/do to get you back on side and convince you that THEY are really the one that's hurting and in need. I just couldn't figure it all out while I was still inside of it. 😑 Thanks for your lovely words ❤
@@kelly-annmaddox I absolutely understand and have been in a similar version of this before. So many of the same situations you described. I am still working through all the aftermath and what you described of the difficulty in leaving and feeling so crazy about everything is so 100% on point. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 thank YOU for sharing your experience with everyone!
Thank you for taking something that hurt you and what you learned from it and sharing it in a way that can help others. It’s very kind and giving of you. ❤
I had an abusive ex who used to threaten to end his life whenever I'd had enough of his gaslighting and lies. One time I called the police because he was running around with a huge knife, and they asked me to give him another chance. Ugh. It really messed with my head, feeling I was responsible for his life. Of course when I finally dumped him he didn't do anything of the sort. It was just manipulation. I'm sorry you went through all that. Glad that you are in a healthy relationship now ❤
😮😮 OMFG NOT the police asking you to give him another chance. 🤦🏻♀️ What a nightmare. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I am stunned. He had a knife and they were asking you to calm the situation down by taking him back? Wow. He really had control of the narrative and the people around the situation.
@kelly-annmaddox yep! He'd chucked the big knife in the back of the garage when he saw the police car pull up, but he still had a Stanley knife in his pocket, and I told them, but they didn't ask him to turn his pockets out. They just seemed like they didn't want to deal with any of it. Disgraceful really, what if he had been serious about his threats to his own life, or what if he'd ended me? These people are very convincing. I found your video so insightful, I'm going to have to watch it again!
Oh, Kelly-Ann, you just told the story of my first marriage. By the end of seven years of this, especially the last two, I thought I was going crazy. And how much post-esteem anger I developed after the narcissist was out of my life.
The amount of times I said "oh my goddess! YES! F&*k!" Lol... Recently began delving into the shadow of being an over giver and it has been wild! Kelly-Ann you are a salve during a season of exposing wounds
Been there done that, it is hell on earth, it really does mess with your own head. I'll spend the rest of my life without a relationship, it absolutely crushed any desire in me to be with anyone again, but I'm okay and much happier. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with such situations, it really is a nightmare!
Kelly-Anne I can't tell you how prescient and helpful this is. As I'm right this moment of time just at the very raw early stages of disentanglng from my own experience of a toxic abusive marriage. My own mind is being my bully and I can't understand how I was able to loose my identity and power so completely to someone, when I am usually perceptive and sensible. It's painful. But hearing from you, someone whom I respect and admire explaining your own experience, its immensely relieving and gives me courage to keep pursuing justice. I don't feel quite so stupid and gullible that my inner nasty keeps throwing at me. Thank you ❤
It's not your fault. It happened because the narcissist orchestrated it, then carried it out, after planning it, and carefully trained your brain to gasslight you. The narcissist did that. Not you. Nobody is immune to this treatment, even when they know in advance about how happens.
Thank you for being open about this. This type of relationship can do a HUGE number on your brain, nervous system, and physical body! I am very proud of you for getting out and putting the pieces back together - maybe not in the same way - but maybe a bit better. I was in a similar relationship for almost 14 years. I had no clue that what I was going through was a pathological thing. When I finally got out I had found a magazine article about NPD and a HUGE SPOTLIGHT was flipped on. I have also come to the realizations that my family dynamic and childhood development set me up to be the perfect candidate for ‘those’ types of people and actions. I have done a lot of grieving over that and continue to work on tweezing out the ‘why I am the way I am’ so I can reparent. Finding and trusting healthy human bonds is a struggle, but I keep working, keep learning, and keep trying to create a joyful life.
Im so sorry this happened to you! Being controlled by someone I cared for through threats of self harm and suicide was such an agonizing, constant, and isolating experience. I'm sorry you had to endure that. Truly glad you were able to get yourself out of that situation ( thats such hard work) and that you're in a happy one now!
Thank you so much for sharing, you have been such a great help on my own shadow work journey. I suffer from similar childhood wounds & am in my 30s but still found myself falling in what I now know is Limerence w/those who give me the slightest affection or validation ❤
what people don't get (people who haven't been treated this way) is that there is a DESIGN to it all, a formula, a structure - very little of this manipulative shit would work if it was all left up to chaos - that's not how narcissism, narcissists and their control rooms work - the second something unpredictable happens they run the risk of losing their host, their subject, and they are left scrambling to alter or outright redraft their vampiric plans this shit becomes a game, a hunt, to them and it is EXTREMELY difficult to scalpel these connections, especially when sex or drugs or intense emotions or trauma or an undeveloped sense of one's own self esteem is involved
While I understand the damage narcissistic behaviour causes, it's important to remember that NPD is a mental health disorder. Many who have NPD (if not most) are victims of their own trauma. This isn't to say that they are excused or given green flags to do what they do! But to cut out their own suffering, their own pain, their own struggles and label them black and white as "evil" or bad people, is not the whole picture. It's definitely harder to give yourself the boundaries needed when you can empathise with the person hurting you (I have personal experience) I don't think it's really and truly good for ourselves or mankind as a whole to cut out the grey areas. There are VERY FEW people who with sheer, clearminded and cold calculations hurt others. Most people who cause harm, are hurting themselves. Again, it is not an excuse! It does not mean we should put up with it, but the narrow view of "good and bad" people, is too limited.
@@MissZarcasm I respectfully disagree. NPD is not a mental health disorder. It is a personality type, and one that they willingly choose to get their needs met. I myself was a victim of extreme forms of childhood abuse, ongoing for years and years. I never turned to purposely emotionally torturing others as a way to deal with my pain. The OP never mentioned anything about "evil", so not sure why you decided to write everything you did? Interesting...
@@christinelamb1167 NPD stands for "Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is a personality disorder. It is a mental health disorder just like any other. Even psychopathy etc are mental health disorders! We cannot just ignore that inconvenient fact when we talk about these behaviours. I mentioned evil, because people who write things like "there is a design to it all" paint the picture that this is an entirely sound and sane person who's choosing evil ways for sheer joy or satisfaction. That's simply not the case, even with narcissism. The matter is far more complex than that, and that was my entire point. I reiterate; I am not saying people should excuse and forgive someone who beheaves poorly and doesn't try to change. Merely that labelling people as "Evil" and ignoring their own problems is too narrow and simple.
@@MissZarcasm Interesting that you keep saying "don't label them as evil", but nobody in this thread mentioned anything about evil, except you. I wonder why? Seems you're trying to use this comment thread as some kind of platform for your agenda.
@@christinelamb1167 That is not my intention, maybe my use of the word is overemphasized. I only mean to say that there's more to it than they just "choose to be bad", does that make more sense perhaps? c:
I'm in the process of trying to extrapolate myself from an online friendship I realise is toxic. Yet I do miss them when I don't hear from them. But I know they will give me just enough attention to keep me hanging on then disappear. I feel stupid for falling for it, but then I've made so many mistakes with friendships in my life and it's a big heartbreaking issue for me. Yet I feel this person wants me as a hanger-on. They say its their health and carer duties that make them disappear, which is perfectly plausible but I am tired of the breadcrumb behaviour and feel I deserve better.
There is an inevitable arrogance (and I really don’t mean that in a demeaning way but simply in a realistic way) that comes with being a perpetual student of awareness, as well as being a guide for others as a result. The awareness and understanding gives us a feeling that we can deal with potential dangers and uncertainties. We can get overconfident and therefore put ourselves in a precarious position. Plus it has been my experience that we never really fully heal our wounded inner children, but rather just learn to parent and caretake them. And so when we get overconfident, we are more likely to fall short with that caretaking. All necessary lessons that we occasionally have to remind ourselves of. ❤❤ thank you for sharing your experience, it’s very valuable.
Yes, that arrogance is precisely the thing I had to recognise within myself. It's mixed up with a feeling that we HAVE to be that way - that we somehow owe it to others to be the one who's permanently FIXED and therefore able to handle everyone else's stuff. It's a hard pill to swallow when you admit to yourself that your wounded part was in the driver's seat and that you're not always 'The Healer.' Sometimes, you're 'The Unhealed.' Thanks for watching. x
Kelly-Ann risking posting unsolicited opinion for this but you DID walk away. Sounds like this guy had nothing on you, try as he might. They can take us for a ride but we sure as hell are getting the fuck off, we'll jump if we have too. All your parts are grateful to have you I'm sure ❤️ and so are we, thank you for you, for sharing and for validating. It's these experiences that are hard to put into words unless experienced and you did so beautiful 🙏
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I did find it similar, I'm sad to say. I'm a DV survivor not from a romantic relationship I was in, but my parents' marriage. I also have a narcissistic sister who tried a lot of the above with me before I went no contact. I'm still working through all of that. Sometimes, I feel like I'm ready to do the work then I'm reminded how fresh the wounds really are. Do take care of yourself. You matter.
That journal is key. Always keep a journal while in a relationship. The "Who the F Did Marry" lady from TikTok kept an audio diary and that's how she stayed sane through the gaslighting.
I don't know about that woman but I'll look it up. Yes, my journal certainly helps me navigate things that don't add up and writing helps me 'hear' myself when it's very hard to do so otherwise
That's such a good idea, and one I never thought of before. After the last relationship from hell I was in (thankfully 3 years no contact), I want to make sure I NEVER end up entangled with such a person ever again! Keeping a journal will help me to see patterns of behavior. It's hard to deny your own words written in ink on paper!
Kelly, thank you SO much for this vulnerable story. I feel like you really cracked yourself open with this one. I had an experience like this, but I was very, very young and it was so traumatizing and horrific the only thing I can say that came out of it was that I learned that was the rock bottom I would ever want to experience in my life. I can't believe so many people are allowed to roam this world freely just abusing and emotionally manipulating people like it, but the more we collectively share and stand up and vocalize just how easy it is to be entrapped, I think the better we can look out for one another.Another thing I will mention is I found out as an adult I am AuDHD which I think is a very very prime target SPECIFICALLY for malignant narcissists and other kinds of abuse. Up there with other overrepresented victims. If that fact alone helps anyone, I hope it can spread, because neurodivergence is already not very well-understood, especially in the ways it affects and presents in women.
Much love Kelly Anne 4 sharing this makes women aware of the pathetic using narcisstic male. Thank goodness males can be divine males if brought up good mother role models. They will love support u not gaslight. You deserve a pure reliable soul x
Oh my darling Kelly Ann 😮 I’m so glad you got out of that relationship ❤ AND you also just sang the toxic ballad of my marriage to a malignant narcissist. Same… I reflected on all the red flags once I got out. And in a marriage, I kept feeling like I was so far in I needed to try to fix it. I kept trying to figure out how it had gone from so much love and sweetness to attack, gaslighting, breaking up with me after every argument, coercion (same, same), alcoholism and threatening self harm. The only way I got out was waking him up one evening and demanding a divorce. I called my dad on speaker phone so he could witness and hold me accountable the next day when he would beg me to stay. I finally realized the isolation had kept the emotional/verbal abuse secret. Oy… the healing I am doing on my heart and self image. Thank you for sharing your story love. ❤
Thanks so much for sharing Kelly-ann, helps us all to feel less alone. Lots of sad familiar shite in here. glad you are happy and loved by a decent man now you deserve it
Thanks for watching and for your empathy. Seeing so much empathy in the comments has been so profound. All we can do is keep talking, share info and encourage each other's healing. ❤
Been there done that and I was in my 40’s after a lifetime of experience. What I learned is that they are very good at what they do and are really fcking crazy. Psycho. So glad I figured out how to run like hell eventually. Ps almost married mine. Got to sit down with the woman he moved in with a month after I left him after she got out and compared notes. Yup crazy dude was crazy lol
Yes. Mine told all his friends when we first started dating that I had genital herpes so none of his friends would want to be with me? And many other horrible things lol
@tempestgrey4629 Gross. 😮😮😮 Mine kissed one of my close friends and tried to sleep with her while I was away. His words: 'I would've done if she'd been up for it.' Worst thing is he only told me after spending a couple of days in bed with me being insanely romantic after one of his ludicrous reconciliation tactics.
The way I am SCREAMING as you are talking K-A. Omfg. Screaming and laughing my ass off, as I remember when I stood for myself when after ghosting me for a month after ditching me to go on a impromptu roadtrip with his buddies, he suddently videocalled me out of the blue to tell me that he "couldnt stomach me". I can still picture myself, chuckling and answering him :" Fuck. I'm so sorry you feel that way, best we leave at that, yeah? Take care of yourself bud." And hung up the call as his face changed from contempt to absolute incomprehension and glassy eyes. Immediately tried to reel me back in with a poem on a platform I had forgotten to block him on telling me that I was a "Goddess, that I changed his life, etc." Blocked his ass immediately, lol. One of my proudest moments. Sticking for yourself is exhilarating. He tried using every single tactics you're mentionning. EVERY SINGLE ONE. I'm starting to think someone put together a "Gaslighting for noobs" manifesto or some shit, lol.
Yes I can relate I'm going through this in a way. Very fresh. 2 days in. It's painful. I loved the way you expressed "why couldn't you just leave tho" and how others view our mindset. so true. And when you said "when they are only suicidal when they are trying wheel you back in because youre the only one who can save them IS NEVER OKAY to do" that was a great example and i as well went through that. I Didn't think of it.. But what I keep coming back to in my head is perspective and how crazy this seems typing it. So all the while I sit here hurt and know I was abused I can still without a doubt know that he's also thinking he was but in a much different way. I know he wasn't good and so therefore i wasn't too wheter that was allowing his ways to take me back in or retaliation or the just plain lack of love that i was calling love. It's in some instances) oddly both of us just so toxic and therefore it ends with us both thinking the other person is the one to blame. But I can assure you that I shouldn't have been completely terrified of him the whole time! And do I think he himself is considering perspective also?!... No, not a chance on this green earth. But oh well we are vastly different I will grow now in a different time and hope to leave all regrets behind this moment. And will do whatever I can not to confuse my self healing for loneliness.
I'm so happy you have healed and found yourself again - it truly is the darkest of places when someone makes you lose yourself and question your own reality. I'm so sorry that you brushed into this person, Universe certainly gave you a lesson you'll never forget, a lesson that unfortunately so many experience and never forget. As much good as there is in this world, there is just as much evil, and the brighter you shine the more darker energies are attracted, a ying yang, a balance. Those that have little light wants yours, or cannot stand to see it shine so bright, and there comes a point where if the connection stays, they do indeed take your energy and light, and both energies then match. The brighter, lighter energy dimmed, and the darker energy slightly less dark, but though their suffering is alleviated and their darkness a little bit brighter, they've now transferred some of their darkness onto you, someone who is so bright and so positive. They want what they do not have, and in seeing the reflection of evil and darkness in themselves then seek to destroy the very thing they wanted the most. It's inevitable when a cord is made, and your words are such an exemplary guide of what to keep an eye out for so people can be guarded against such personality types. Thank you for sharing your experience and your wisdom. ❤
Thank you for this input. ❤ And thanks for watching. When a cord is made it is very hard to sever it. I am glad I made it out with my wits and my sense of integrity still flickering a tiny bit so that I could build them back up easier than some people who go through it for a prolonged period.
@@kelly-annmaddoxYou are so powerful and sovereign and strong and it takes such resolve and resiliency to come back from such experiences. I'm so thankful you got out before he harmed your physical vessel - it always starts with a door. And it always escalates. Thank Goddess and your intuition for leaving 🙏
OMG Kelly Ann I cannot thank you enough for this. I had a very similar situation 2022-2023 and I was the same, I knew the flags, I thought I was safe because I knew what to look for, I know intimately how abusive relationships work, and yet it still happened to me and try to trust myself again is so hard. I worked so hard to connect to myself over years, bulding my self love, and he sledgehammered through it. The only reason I got out was because I watched him start doing the same to someone else and using me to lure them in and it was like I was replaying the early part of our relationship and I suddenlly just saw it all laid out in front of me, and then friends told me that he'd done it before too. It is so validating to hear you talk about your experience and to know that it's ok to still be healing. A lot of my community (I outed my abuser within my community) are very clearly "you should be over it by now" and I'm not.
CW: trauma dump. The being starved of love and so taking whatever is available resonates so deeply with me. My mother is emotionally abusive and it has taken me a long time to get free of her and heal. I realised after I left him that he was the first time I had felt safe since before my dad died when I was 14 (I'm 36) and recognising that was terrifying because I wasn't safe at all, I just so desparately needed to feel safe. Looking back I recognise how he disconnected me from myself - the first things he took by making me too busy were my spiritual practice and my daily yoga practice. Every day for 3 years I did yoga and then it stopped just when I was at his, and then it stopped all together. And suddenly there was no time for me to check in with me, to listen to my body which was screaming at me "he is not safe." I have so much compassion for myself but also so much fear that it will happen again (it nearly did but that time I did GTFO before it kicked off). I hope I can get to the point you're at where I can just recognise that I am vulnerable in that area but manage the fear and take the risk to let people in again. My situation was polyam and it still breaks my heart that I left 2 other people in that relationship. I did try, I told them what happened, I gave them all the info, and I know they weren't ready to leave and there was nothing I could do, but it breaks my heart that two wonderful, loving, good people are still being hurt and I couldn't save them - and that goes back to my own childhood stuff of not being able to save my mother from alcoholism or my dad from cancer.
Have been through it all. Now, finally, my primary relationship is with myself. I am finally balanced and happy. I no longer have a pit in my stomach. I feel free. No longer get the 8 of Swords. No longer waiting for The One. Life is Sooooooo much better. I admire you greatly, Kelly Ann.
Kelly-Ann, I had a session with you in 2020 relating to a very similar relationship dynamic and I had no idea that you had recently been through something similar yourself. You helped me so much and I wanted to say how much I appreciated your open-hearted conversation at that time and I'm so sorry that happened to you. And well, if Kelly-Ann Maddox can be gaslit, we can all be gaslit. After being single since then, I've healed a lot of the roots of why I was roped in, but still so scared of dating.
God, so much of what you say resonates. Very especially about knowing damn well it's a bad situation and being unable to really break away, and feeling aghast at your own behavior once you're free. It's humbling in both the best and worst ways. My toxic partner absolutely could have yo-yoed me if he'd had the desire and skill, but I was lucky (???) that he was avoidant while I was anxious. He was still manipulative and all poisoned honey with the time he did give me. The emotional wounds burned for four times as long as the relationship itself lasted. There was just no way to "reason" myself out of those stupid feelings of mine; I just had to wait-literally years-while safely away from him for my thought behavior to shift back to a healthier response in regards to him. Having records of his cruelty to revisit was an absolutely necessary part of that shift.
I just want to say thank you for sharing this story. I'm currently single because I'm still healing from some old relationships and I know I need the space to do that. It's encouraging to hear that there are healthy connections on the other side of this type of work.
Holy fuck, Kelly-Ann! I’m so sorry. I had no idea that my ex was going to make his way straight to you, after I finally got out of his hideous clutches!! Not seriously, but um… SERIOUSLY… damn near word-for-word, it’s so creepy to hear you describing what sounds like the EXACT same person I had myself tangled up with. And, just like you, I was GOBSMACKED, SHOCKED, HORRIFIED & BEFUDDLED about the fact that I was able to fall prey to this kind of shit. Also like you, I went through quite a bit of therapy and I do feel like that relationship was karmic and somehow necessary, for me to work through the things in me that made me a perfect target for this kind of person.
Thank you for sharing this. Knowing that somebody who is as aware of all the shit as you are can be taken in by people like that makes me feel less stupid for falling for similar situations.
I really appreciate your comments at the end the shadow side of the over giver. I am a recovering over giver and I know there are egoic reasons for that which is my own work to do. We can fool ourselves that it is all loving and selfless. And it is not. Some of it is and some is not.
Thank you so so much for sharing your story. I have my own experiences that I haven't had the opportunity to really share with anyone. Thank you for becoming aware and loving yourself enough to grow and heal! It has taken me a while but I am much more aware and wise than I once was. Love you! So proud of you! 🫶
@@kelly-annmaddox I am so grateful for this response! Honestly, going through these dark experiences allowed me to realize and get closer to my purpose. I am closer to the divine now than I ever felt previously and I'm so excited to honor my callings without the negative influence of my exes
@@illutrineAhh yes, getting back to the divine connection afterwards - skinned, sore, but still alive and ready to feel plugged in again. 🥰 I know the feeling so well. X
It happened to me. It was a long time ago. It’s cast a long shadow in my life. But all shadows fade out at the edges until they are just the baseline light of the current environment. I wish it had never happened. I don’t pretend that it didn’t. When the memories circle back into my awareness I just let them wash over me. I look at the scar on my hand. I look at the scars on my heart. And I just get on with my day. The person doesn’t deserve any more than my momentary contempt every now and then.
I can understand being mind blown about a new situation - my last relationship brought out a very shadow side of not only that partner, but all our mutual friends. I had allergic reactions. Like bad ones. It’s good you had lots of support to bounce back. ❤
It's almost like there's a manual for covert narcissists. And I was an msw providing therapy for others in traumatic relationships when I realized I had fallen for a narcissist. I consider myself lucky that I realized what was going on after only 5 mos I got out. But that took me giving away my dog to please him and the next day he was a foot away from me screaming in my face about something else. The thought popped into my head that this guy will kill me one day and so when he threatened to leave for the zillionth time I said ok pack your stuff and I'll take you. Luckily he wanted to go to friends and hour away and there was no transportation for him to get back but he harassed me with ranting texts emails and phone calls until I blocked him. There was a lot more unpleasantness but it's over now and I'm happily single forever now.
So good. Nothing cliche at all about the inner child’s need for love and the addiction that we can fall into. Thank you for this. ❤ I really value how you unpack the many shades of abuse that we can fall into when our wounds are triggered. ❤
I went through something similar just after getting distance from a narcissistic parent, and this dude got me. I was putting myself back together and thought I knew the signs, and then here comes this person who treated me so well- at first- and I was like, *this* is what healthy love looks like. And then the same cycles and I tried to end it and kept getting pulled back. This relationship nearly broke me. And then the utter shame I felt for years after it. I refused to date until I'd dealt with myself and healed, and continued reparenting myself to this day. Now, when I look back, I feel so much compassion and no shame for myself at the time. And I will never assume I can't be fooled, but I trust my instincts and the part of me that has learned and grown and now takes care of my wounded inner child. Thank you for sharing this.
What a horrible experience to go through Kelly. Many of us have been there too, myself included. A witch, Healer, on my own spiritual path. Middle aged and with plenty of life experience, lessons and shadow work completed. It happened to me. The narcissist got me like a dark manipulative warlock. These people are dangerous and you are never too wise and experienced to fall for the game.
You have an astonishing capacity to take deeply, painfully personal experience and turn it into profound, relatable and very human experience. There is something quite beautiful and strangely celebratory about the way you hold up experience to the light and let your spirit shine into it and out onto us. I am sorry you had to go through so much pain and also deeply thankful for the gift. Did I experience a chill or two or three? You bet!
I'm sorry that happened to you Kelly-Ann. That person is right, he is fucked up, but the fun fact for all the girlies is that fucked up guys aren't your problem. They are adults and they can adult themselves out of that shit. Thank you for sharing this because if it helps even one person spot this kind of asshole and give them the boot they deserved, it's more than worth it. You are not their mother, or their keeper, they are not your responsibility.
So sorry to hear this happened, Kelly-Ann ❤ I think any person can be manipulated by another, especially when someone is a really empathetic person who tends to be comfortable supporting others. A horrible experience, but huge amounts of respect for working through it and choosing to stay single through that. A truly powerful video and an amazing quote in there! Sending love xxx
We all have strength and fragility in the deepest part of our souls......we are all human.....life is full of love and shields.... we use them both ..everyday
Thank you so much for your authenticity, always ♥️ My damaged inner child really threw my life into chaos re romantic relationships so many times even after a long process of reparenting work with myself. Each time the toxic relationship lasted a shorter time before She let me take the wheel to my “bus” back. Eventually it was my inner damaged teen taking over, still chaotic & toxic but in different ways. It was only after CPTSD therapy that They didn’t step up to take control in relationships anymore. The roots of my wounds were also my earliest childhood experiences. I have experienced that shock of coming out the other side of a toxic relationship & adult self at a total loss as to how I let that happen, how was I so blind etc. Terribly discombobulating to say the least. I also had to be totally single but for a very long time, zero dates, zero interaction with men except my sons for 12 years! I’m pretty sure I could have shortened that time by going no contact with my abusive parents but who knows as I didn’t do that even though I really should have 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for sharing this Kelly Ann. Anyone can be conned even when you know how the game works. True in my experience. This kind of relationship is a cult of 2. That makes so much sense to me. I grew up in a cult and am hard wired to like and want the "oneness" feel. I am very careful and have been healing for years. I am 63 and still have to watch myself. What you are describing here is real.
Classic Narcissist. Text Book, been there years ago in my 40 s at the time Terrible little Hippie random meet in Glastonbury Town Christmas 205, never again! Empath and Narcissist dynamic, Kelly. Many decent Men delighted to be with you without a shadow of a doubt.These people Demonic, any way I looked honestly at me after I broke up the relationship which wasn't easy. I met up with him last year random he is still the same.Sexual Chemistry the glue lots of passion between us, in the relationship.I wrote a story about our encounter..very pleased with the result..Finally the Hippies passed ex 's ended terribly he absent of emotion and empathy basic decency. Never met a Man like that ever.They walk amongst us be aware people.
thank you for this. the details of my dysfunctional upbringing and dysfunctional relationships are different but this really helps me understand a relationship and a particular dynamic in my current relationship where otherwise I am just like, how could I fall for that again? or, why did I just let this drag on without dealing with it? it doesn't make sense. but it does make sense when it's in terms of an inner child who doesn't know better and who is constantly seeking the comfort of the familiar dysfunction. xoxo
Yeah. I've been in a relationship where she enjoyed feeling powerful by pulling and pushing me in and away. And making it out like I was responsible for her not un-aliving herself... And she turned the shared friend group against me and made me out to them to be "crazy..." ... And once I told a friend years later, when I was in therapy, and she wasn't there anymore, etc. This friend just listens and looks at me sadly and says, ".... It's nice... to feel Wanted." And idk what it was about the way they said it, but it's echoed in my skull like... Wow. Yeah... I didn't know better how to avoid it. I didn't know better what was happening... and it was nice to think I was wanted. And that was sad and also gentle to realize.
I had to stop a relationship recently in which there was extreme mutual attraction, but it was feeling too strong too fast. And then there were things they said and then didn't follow through multiple times, and acted like I was wrong for expecting ... because they were going through struggles they hadn't been up front about... OK. Once. Twice.... when it became a pattern, I realized it was triggering too much from the past relationship-- the idealization and devaluation like you said: They would say how into me they were and how much I inspired them to be brave and themselves, but then.... they wouldn't follow through on plans to spend time together. Would talk about communication but not say the plans had to change.... I just had to back out. Sure enough. They had someone else ready to step in immediately and apparently jumped headfirst into a hot and heavy relationship with them. And it just became clear that... Oh.... So you had time for someone else. But not me. And there was some .... Not telling the whole truth of things the whole time. Even so. Even after realizing all this. There's a part of me that craves affection that wonders, "Did I fuck up my only chance to feel that intensity?" And I have to remind myself to this day, "No. I didnt miss my chance. I dodged a bullet. "
I hear your story, I read other stories in the comments and I look at my past experience (year ago broke off 3 year old toxic relationship with a narc). Crazy how similar these patterns are even though we all dated different people. I still have plenty of inner work to do. It will last longer now though, because I'm scared of getting involved in any kind of relationship. EDIT: Yes, journaling helped me so much to get out. It made me do a reality check on where I stand and what to do. That and a psychologist...
the part where you mentioned how the person fits your inner child perfectly. i met someone who was exactly all the qualities i ever wanted, that i thought was just a fantasy, so it was candy to my inner child when i met my dream person. punk, a writer, an activist, beautiful body, compelling angst. i thought i was smart and strong and didnt take shit. but sometimes the problem with being strong is that i think i can resolve any problem. i thought i was strong enough to fix and carry the relationship even without his help. he legit had depression and i made every excuse to cut him more slack while i pushed myself harder to be "even better." depression and trauma arent a free pass to fuck people up and do nothing about your wounds. i had a fantasy that he fit it so freakishly well at first, and then he totally dropped the act. sad. 4 yrs of denying that the person i fell in love with wasnt just wounded, dark, and feisty like me. he was just an asshole. i wanted the kind of romance to set the world on fire and heal together. in the end, all he wanted was his reputation. these people push your buttons until they find your weakness, and then they keep pushing your weak spot. so even if it feels specific, it isnt. there's a simple repeatable formula. say random shit until you land on people's insecurity or sympathy, then put them on an addiction roller coaster. but i projected so much complexity onto it because MY shadows are complex. i appreciate the takeaway that it happens to the best of us. some people hit you where you're squishiest.
You're a really good writer. ❤ I really envisioned everything - the entire relationship and the essence of this person who loomed so large and then let you down so badly. I'm sorry that happened to you. Your realisation that this person seemed to fulfil a childhood vision of what love could be is soooo relatable.
@@kelly-annmaddox baww. unrelated to the topic. thanks for the compliment on my writing. it means a lot from writer to writer. x] thanks again for sharing your journey and insights. tough overgivers gotta look out for each other.
Jesuseffingchrist, this sounds just like my ex who is now known only as "The Evil German." When one becomes an adult "of a certain age," you just have to accept that new partners have pasts, and the dumb shit they did when they were young is not necessarily the dumb shit they will do now, because ostensibly we're all supposed to be learning and growing and becoming better versions of ourselves. At some point though, I looked back and it wasn't just a few red flags, it was a goddamned Olympic color-guard parade. The worst part was the "HOW THE FUCK DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?" and how I started to doubt my own judgement. Anyway, I'm really sorry you went through that, and I am glad you seem to be doing better now.
Kelly-Ann, thank you for sharing. I’ve never experienced this and most likely will not as I am single and happy and staying this way. But your video is full of wisdom and empathy. Bravo to you for finally getting OUT and finding a healthy relationship. Blessed Be.
28:00 I must put a pin in this because my phone is almost out of charge; I'm already sure that I will find this story relatable and important because the few things you said are things I have lived versions of as well.
Thank you so very much for sharing this experience. You're right. I spent most of the video nodding, yes. I'm going through a terrible situation with my narcissistic son,who I can't just walk away from due to my grand daughter being traumatized by him and her mother, who is also a narcissist. I know that I'm in the same situation that my dear grandparents were in when I was growing up with a sadistic narcissistic mother. I have gone no contact with all of my siblings who are really toxic and messed up. But my son is an only child and turned out toxic as hell. And my granddaughter is also an only child and is suffering. She cries a lot about things that are said to her. My hands are tied to try to help her much. In the meantime I have been enduring the same cycles you described of value,bread crumbling and devaluation and then on it goes. My self worth has been crumbling so much that I have just decided to live in solitude alone and stay away from people. I'm trying to stay in Contact with my granddaughter through writing her letters as much as I can. I don’t know if she actually gets all of them bit I keep writing. She is 7 and is just learning to read. I send her mostly pictures and coloring pages that have love on them and positive affirmations on them. I have heard her say that she hated herself. This breaks my heart. I know that my grandparents were my rock when I was a young child. I can't just cut my son out of my life because of my granddaughter. I am on a fixed income and cannot afford therapy. I wish I could. But I read a lot and study a lot about narcissism. Dr. Ramini is a great resource. So is Dr.Les Carter. They have TH-cam channels. Most of the toxic people in my life I have walked away from and have gone no contact, but there's that one Narcistic person that is not so easy to just cut out,especially when there are innocent children involved who are in danger of terrible emotional abuse. She is already showing signs of being quiet and very shy. She cries a lot. Not just small tears here and there. I'm talking real snotty nosed deep boo hoping crying. It breaks my heart for her. She says she wants to come live with me. That is not possible. I live in a government subsidy apartment for senior citizens. If I owned my own home it would be better for her to come more often. But also the Texas family court system would be another issue. I wish there was more I could do for her. In the meantime,I'm enduring a lot of up and down cycles like you expressed from my son, her father. One minute he's really sweet and offers to do this and that. Offers financial assistance once in a while, then gets extremely nasty and makes me feel like dog shit on his shoe for even accepting his offer and then throws money at me. Like he's trying to show me how large and in charge he is and how insignificant and pathetic I am. NO MORE. No matter what, I will never accept anything else from him ever again. I'm Done. Dr. Ramini outlined a 5 point strategy on how to handle that one narc that you cannot cut ties with due to certain situations. I'm going to implement it and see how it goes. Love you, Kelly. Thanks so much for this video.❤
Thank you for sharing. Sounds like a Love and sex addicts dynamic. I’m in the middle of a purge of a toxic “pseudo” relationship. It’s hard and painful. Please be more mindful to whom you let in to your life.
That's the crazy thing about my story - I am soooo mindful of who I let into my life. I always say that my trust is earned by degrees and that I have the right to choose who gets into my inner sanctum blah blah blah. 😅😑 I am usually so unfuckwithable and tend to distrust people who try to get close too quickly etcetera. He completely fooled me and that's why this video felt important to make. I want people to know the signs and keep being vigilant because sometimes the people who really believe they could never be taken in by this kind of behaviour might be unable to see it for what it is unless we all keep reiterating our stories and stressing that it's NOT ok. Thanks for watching.
Finally finished the entire video just now!! Thank you for sharing your experiences & this incredible gem of a video. 💎💖When you said "I didn't walk into this relationship consciously"...it's the same thing with me 😢 When I think back and reflect on why I let this (my toxic relationship) happen - I couldn't pinpoint a single moment where I consciously made the decision to be with that person. I don't think I actually had the desire to - in the back of my mind, I knew what kind of person he was and I knew exactly what I was walking into but I couldn't act! It felt like boarding a random ship that sailed into the ocean that I couldn't put a stop to. Now that I think of it, I felt utterly separated from the part of me that dwelled in that relationship for 2 fucking years. It was as if they were emotionally/mentally/energetically kidnapped and taken away from me and I literally couldn't do anything to save her. The few times where I almost came to my senses and tried to leave was when my toxic partner tightened his grip and did everything he could to manipulate me to stay. I know one of the reasons why I fell prey to that toxic relationship was because my wounded inner child was SICK with longing - longing for romance, for love - longing to feel like someone's special person, to belong to someone. The longing was so intense that it was able to form a cocoon of delusion around my senses and made the other parts of me completely dysfunctional and paralyzed. So much to say on this matter...ugh! But I'll just share that I too have made the conscious choice to "give up on love" (for now) and not open myself to relationships or even the idea of relationships (because I realize though I wasn't someone who actively dated or sought after relationships in action - I always had that deep sickening longing underlying a lot of my suffering and choices). It felt liberating and like a total relief to decide that I will no longer be looking out for my "soul mate", "special person", "BFF" or whatever. Like it freed up so much space for me to just connect + fall in love with myself & romance myself instead of (subconsciously) wanting someone to complete me. (I think my biggest flaw was believing that I wasn't somebody that sought the idea of being completed by another in relationships, because I'm so "independent" & have my own creative online business - right? BUT I ACTUALLY FUCKING DID 🤡💀)
I'm sorry you had to go through this, Kelly-Ann. I want to tell you that you opened my eyes. Like The Hermit, you brought me light. If I ever get out of this, I want you to know it was because you opened the door for me. For a very long time I have just wanted him to change. After watching this video, I see that I need to shift the attention to myself: Why have I allowed myself to be in this situation? Where does this come from? How can I strengthen and save myself? Thanks you so much.
Darling, you will get to the other side of this. I have every hope for you. The way your mindset shifted as you watched this video is a testament to your growing readiness to create a change. I will always be grateful to have opened any door that helped you make your way to freedom and healing. With you all the way, darling. x
It's always such a tremendous gift to listen to you. English is not my first language so it’s sometimes hard to explain what I mean but You, my cupcake, have a very profound way to put the finger right there on the underlying cause. Thank you so much for this and all that you do! ❤️💖❤️ Loads of love 💖🙏🏼💖
wow, once again your generosity just absolutely humbles me. You share your experiences in a way that is so nourishing and real and ultimately uplifting even when those experiences are horrible and painful, thank you so much! One of the things I value about being able to participate in online community is this feeling of common experiences, the strengthening of the things that make us better stronger individuals and as a result help us build better stronger communities. I live literally halfway across the world from you and we likely will never actually meet, but I listen to you and hear my own thoughts and feelings and experiences, sometimes directly and sometimes in adjacent ways and it is so nourishing - I'm here for all of it, I'm so happy for you that you are through to the other side of this one, and I'm so appreciative that sharing with all of us is something you enjoy to do. Thank you, have a joyful day, and know that what you do is powerful and important! 🥰
Thank you so much for this lovely comment. ❤ I truly appreciate it. I also love online community for that same reason. It's amazing how much stronger the threads of collective human understanding are because of the internet.
Kelly-Ann, what you’re describing (arms around you, blocking the door, *punching a hole through the door*) IS violence, it IS physical abuse.
You're very much correct. I want you to understand that this man has a lot of friends. Like a lot of absolute bastards, he is a popular individual with a strong public persona and we are both still living in the same area and circulating in partly the same world. It affects the way I discuss what happened to me even to this day. It causes me to warp my telling of the facts to make allowances and downplay situations, unfortunately. Although I have been honest about absolutely everything in this video, I have refrained from saying certain things too, not only because I feel 'invisible eyes' on me but also because he is extremely good at acquiring 'flying monkeys' (as the phraseology goes) who are manipulated by his (admittedly impressive) 'fragile man who regrets his behaviour' routine. All of this has made me view my story slightly differently than I would view it if it happened to someone else. I agree with you, basically. But it is not easy for me to put the word 'violence' to his behaviour. Describing the terrible actions of a person who is very socially protected is a complex business. Thanks for your comment.
I understand
Like there’s many morals to this video, but the most tangible one for me is: when in doubt, write your journal diligently like your life depends on it.
For fucking REAL, like how are people out here just RAW DOGGING life without journalling?? 😂 Couldn't be me!
If it safe.
@@lbr88x30 Password protected doc is good for that.
Punching a door was the lack of control that I didn’t realise would lead to punching me.
I'm so sorry. 😔💔
People really don't understand how hard it is to extract yourself. Thank you for sharing. It's been 5 years since I left and I still have nightmares.
case-building: I've heard people say that if you find yourself taking notes and receipts when someone talks to you, you're being gaslit. *** This all is exactly how perfectly normal people end up in absolutely wild and dangerous cults. An abusive relationship is a cult of two. ["cult" as in high-control group, not new religious movement]
'An abusive relationship is a cult of two.' Daaaaaamn. 💯
That makes sense. As a victim of workplace bullying, I still communicate mainly through email to keep track of everything said. And at my old workplace, I would write down everything said and done between me and others to have some kind of evidence for when I’d be pulled aside because of some bullshit
Or if you find yourself googling 'is ---' abuse, it likely is. When there's no abuse, people don't Google. There's no need to go and check. So if you're googling, that's you're answer. Trust yourself. X
@@ciaraskeleton SO true! Couldn't have said it better! 👍
If you're confused you're being abused - when i heard someone say that the penny dropped.
Came here for the tea, leaving with self-compassion, compassion for others, and self-reflection. Thank you Kelly-Ann!
I am so glad when the tea and the clarity come in the same cup. 😂❤
Thank you for sharing. I have a friend who I think is going through this. It would be great to hear more of how you managed to actually get away in the end. X
These are the self-proclaimed "nice guys" in my experience. At this point, that alone is a red flag.
Yep, the last relationship I was in, he presented himself as such a "nice guy". I fell for it, hook line and sinker. I believe he was a narcissist, but in the end labels don't really matter. Emotional abuse is just that, whatever the personality type. But covert narcs often seem so "nice" (at first).
Yep. Every. Damn. Time
Someone who's *actually* nice doesn't need to tell you! You can see it for yourself in their actions.
@@FunkyLittlePoptart 💯!
I’m writing this through tears as a 66 year old who can identify with so many of the examples you’ve given. The over giving, thinking someone would crumble without me, looking for any praise I could get from my partner of almost 40 years. Walking on egg shells for fear I didn’t anticipate their needs and feel their disappointment in me. The guilt of subjecting my daughter to the same. There’s not enough room here to write everything that resonates. I’ve gone from taking no one crap to never letting my voice be heard. How eye opening to realize I’ve allowed this and wonder what I am getting out of this. Feeling scared because wondering where do I go from here because this is not my true self. Thank you for being so honest and so eloquently explaining your situation. So glad your long road has turned out happily.
There are resources on the NHS website. In England, it's called Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline. There's separate lines for Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. If you're in another country, try searching for "National Abused Women's Hotline."
'I’ve gone from taking no one's crap to never letting my voice be heard.' Woah, that sentence is so profound. That version of you that takes no crap and expects respect is still alive in you. ♥ Thank you so much for watching x
This...God....this... thank you so, so much for sharing this. Relationships like this seem to be so prevalent nowadays, however the victims always feel so alone. I've learned it is SO important to share these stories, as stories like these saved my life. They gave me the strength to pick myself up off the floor, fight back, take back my power, and get out. Stories like these became a source of drive, when I had none. Knowing I wasn't alone. Knowing I CAN change my own reality, knowing I could get the FUCK out... it's stories and souls like you, that gave me the ability to save my own life. Thank you.
Also, I am a poet and I DID write a book about my ex. About all the emotions I went through, going through the hell of a narcissistic relationship. It was the biggest achievement of my life, and probably the biggest slap in the face I could ever give him. Letting the world know who he was, and a reminder to myself just how strong I really am. 😊
The part about the inner child taking over because of specific aspects of a romantic relationship was really eye opening, as well as the “you’re not immune.” part, thanks for this video!
What concerns me most is that these people are out there - and a massive amount of them, and we dont have any protection against them. No laws, no social support, nothing. They can do what they want, destroy people, families (my dad was all you described and more), generations, without any justice. And we are all susceptible. Just randomly this people decide you are their next victim, and boom! There goes a huge chunck of your life in a crazy traumatic situation. Ubelievable😳😓
I agree. with this. You have to be careful.
Not true. We’re not produce on a shelf they can pick at will. They prey on people who don’t have boundaries, who are codependent or people pleasers, who seriously doubt themselves, who seek external validation, and who have a need to prove themselves to others. A person who has boundaries and is ok with walking when their needs aren’t met is a predator’s kryptonite.
Narcissistic people have been around since the dawn of time millions have experienced this yet HUGE difference is people talk more openly about it. Education & evaluation in relationships like she stated " love bombing is given 6months in 6 wks " the more we share our experience the less people fall prey . This is a male only issue women have done the same. The more we know the more protected we all are
I had a relationship with a malignant narcissist 2007 - 2009 that treated me in the ways that you discuss in this video. I didn't fully learn about manipulation, narcissism, until later. Now, I am fully educated on at least 8 forms of narcissism. I will not tolerate another narcissist in my life because I now recognize the red flags. I am a sensitive empath and we are the cream of the crop, the most delicious decadent food for the narcissist. Me and my sweetness will never be food again for a narcissist or other related personality profile types. Yes Kelly-Ann, we love that you discuss these types of experiences on your channel! You are so loved and respected! Thank you!
That part about the wounded child never being truly healed hits so deep. What a great (and painful) thing to keep in mind.
I haven’t dated for three years after a toxic relationship. I had a lot of therapy meanwhile and am ready to try again soon. I still have a lot of work to do on how to recognise red flags.
Videos like this are so important and instrumental in recognising potential toxic partners. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I was engaged to a man who behaved in all the ways you mentioned here. Ironically, he was a psychiatrist. He eventually lost his license to practice and was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder by a top forensic psychologist from Chicago. We lived together for 5 years before I finally was able to break it off. He tried hoovering me over the next year. Now he has moved on as he found another supply. It was the biggest brain fuck I ever experienced. I'm so glad you got out and went to therapy. I did exactly the same, and I am continuing in therapy. You are not alone. Those of us who are highly intelligent and empathic are exactly the sort they are looking for. Stay strong! ❤
I think for me there was a level of shame about age, that I’d be this many years old and yet I’m struggling with something supposedly as juvenile as an asshole boyfriend? Was deeply embarrassed I got into it, was embarrassed I stayed, still embarrassed sometimes that I went through it.
Forgiveness is for you, not the abuser. Forgive yourself, not the narcissist/abuser. They do not deserve your forgiveness. Nor are they entitled to it. But you are.
I totally understand. I felt the age thing, the 'I help people with this for a living' thing, the 'there were so many red flags' thing.. At the end of the day, you have to witness and embrace the part of you that didn't have all that context and wisdom. If we work with parts then we accept that not all of our parts are strong, wise and emotionally sophisticated. Some are wounded, unsure and easily led. When triggered back to those versions of you, events can transpire that you would never usually allow, and that's something you need to be able to witness from a place of understanding rather than judgement. I hope that makes sense, darling. Always lovely to see your face here. x
This is why narcissists are so fucking dangerous. I’m so glad you’re sharing this. Ppl who haven’t experienced it do not understand how methodical, pernicious, and orchestrated it is. It’s like there’s a published manual for these types. You share your story and any other person will say omg this is the same thing mine said to me.
Why don’t you leave? Well, obviously any person would go nah, fuck off if someone just came up to you on the street and did these things. But if you’re engaging in the possibility of an intimate relashe, then you’re going to feel compassionate and open and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But they have games. They keep you off balance which is why you can’t get your head right. That’s how they keep you. Lovebomb, devalue, discard. It’s a cycle. And they’re starting to draw correlation between cults and romantic relationships with narcissists in studies. Which is why cults usually also are run by narcissists. This shit fucks you up. I’m also educated and experienced in psychology and narcissism and still have had more than one relationship like this. I could write a book. If you’re someone who is naturally empathic and emotionally intelligent, you attract this type. I’m still trying to unpack this and untrain my mind heart imbalance from this. The highs are always very high and the lows, equal. It does something similar to your brain chemistry as drug addiction- another thing they’re beginning to study more. Ik this is long and I could say sooo much more. But I just think this is so important to talk about. It’s lovely you decided to talk about your experience. Thank you for sharing. Love you and your content is so important. It makes a difference. Much love ❤
That's exactly it! They don't start right off the bat with the crazy-making behavior, it's escalates slowly over time. So slowly, you don't even realize it's happening! Then when the first "incident" happens, you rationalize their behavior, because it seems so "out of character". But the truth is, it's EXACTLY their character!
I was already pretty well educated about narcissism before I met "him", but even I failed to realize who and what he was, and what was actually happening. I am grateful to be 3 years out of that relationship, and I hope to NEVER become entangled with another of these types again!
Having a visceral reaction to this because oh man... sounds familiar. Never ever fking ever negotiating with a person like this anymore. To assert normal boundaries just to be then made to feel like a ridiculous person and a bully. Thank fking god you got out holy shhhit.!!!
Thank you so much for sharing this. Every victim of every kind of abu$€ and also everyone who knows what harm a toxic relationship can do knows how important it is to share our stories with others. The experiences we share are a source of information, of support, of inspiration and of hope. And if one single life is changed for the better because of listening to this, it was more than worth it.
I heard a great line on "Scott and Bailey":
I fell in love with the man I WANTED him to be.
This sounds like a toxic covert narcissist. I'm sorry you have gone through this. People with an avoidance attachment style also act similarly but I feel like this is more severe and flips over into narc territory. I'm so so glad you got out of this and we're able to look at and find what you could learn from it. ❤❤❤ You are so strong to have gotten out as soon as you did.
I was telling myself for a while that it was avoidant attachment and that the behaviour was coming from fear of our closeness, and this enabled me to downplay and rationalise the cruel treatment and the lies. It is so hard to see straight when someone knows exactly what to say/do to get you back on side and convince you that THEY are really the one that's hurting and in need. I just couldn't figure it all out while I was still inside of it. 😑 Thanks for your lovely words ❤
@@kelly-annmaddox I absolutely understand and have been in a similar version of this before. So many of the same situations you described. I am still working through all the aftermath and what you described of the difficulty in leaving and feeling so crazy about everything is so 100% on point. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 thank YOU for sharing your experience with everyone!
Thank you for taking something that hurt you and what you learned from it and sharing it in a way that can help others. It’s very kind and giving of you. ❤
You are so welcome - I think I got a lot out of the process of explaining it. 😊 Thanks for watching x
I had an abusive ex who used to threaten to end his life whenever I'd had enough of his gaslighting and lies. One time I called the police because he was running around with a huge knife, and they asked me to give him another chance. Ugh. It really messed with my head, feeling I was responsible for his life. Of course when I finally dumped him he didn't do anything of the sort. It was just manipulation.
I'm sorry you went through all that. Glad that you are in a healthy relationship now ❤
😮😮 OMFG NOT the police asking you to give him another chance. 🤦🏻♀️ What a nightmare. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I am stunned. He had a knife and they were asking you to calm the situation down by taking him back? Wow. He really had control of the narrative and the people around the situation.
@kelly-annmaddox yep! He'd chucked the big knife in the back of the garage when he saw the police car pull up, but he still had a Stanley knife in his pocket, and I told them, but they didn't ask him to turn his pockets out. They just seemed like they didn't want to deal with any of it. Disgraceful really, what if he had been serious about his threats to his own life, or what if he'd ended me?
These people are very convincing.
I found your video so insightful, I'm going to have to watch it again!
Oh, Kelly-Ann, you just told the story of my first marriage. By the end of seven years of this, especially the last two, I thought I was going crazy. And how much post-esteem anger I developed after the narcissist was out of my life.
The amount of times I said "oh my goddess! YES! F&*k!" Lol... Recently began delving into the shadow of being an over giver and it has been wild! Kelly-Ann you are a salve during a season of exposing wounds
So glad to be a salve. ❤ Thank you for your empathy. X
Been there done that, it is hell on earth, it really does mess with your own head. I'll spend the rest of my life without a relationship, it absolutely crushed any desire in me to be with anyone again, but I'm okay and much happier. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with such situations, it really is a nightmare!
Kelly-Anne I can't tell you how prescient and helpful this is. As I'm right this moment of time just at the very raw early stages of disentanglng from my own experience of a toxic abusive marriage. My own mind is being my bully and I can't understand how I was able to loose my identity and power so completely to someone, when I am usually perceptive and sensible. It's painful. But hearing from you, someone whom I respect and admire explaining your own experience, its immensely relieving and gives me courage to keep pursuing justice. I don't feel quite so stupid and gullible that my inner nasty keeps throwing at me.
Thank you ❤
It's not your fault.
It happened because the narcissist orchestrated it, then carried it out, after planning it, and carefully trained your brain to gasslight you. The narcissist did that. Not you. Nobody is immune to this treatment, even when they know in advance about how happens.
Thank you for being open about this. This type of relationship can do a HUGE number on your brain, nervous system, and physical body! I am very proud of you for getting out and putting the pieces back together - maybe not in the same way - but maybe a bit better. I was in a similar relationship for almost 14 years. I had no clue that what I was going through was a pathological thing. When I finally got out I had found a magazine article about NPD and a HUGE SPOTLIGHT was flipped on. I have also come to the realizations that my family dynamic and childhood development set me up to be the perfect candidate for ‘those’ types of people and actions. I have done a lot of grieving over that and continue to work on tweezing out the ‘why I am the way I am’ so I can reparent. Finding and trusting healthy human bonds is a struggle, but I keep working, keep learning, and keep trying to create a joyful life.
You did the serious work. 👏 And I hope you can open your life up to joy in the long-term because you truly deserve it. ❤
Im so sorry this happened to you! Being controlled by someone I cared for through threats of self harm and suicide was such an agonizing, constant, and isolating experience. I'm sorry you had to endure that. Truly glad you were able to get yourself out of that situation ( thats such hard work) and that you're in a happy one now!
I'm so sorry you can relate. 'Isolating' is definitely the right word! 😢
I'm so glad you're ok now. Honesty and strong boundaries are kryptonite to a narcissist.
Thank you so much for sharing, you have been such a great help on my own shadow work journey. I suffer from similar childhood wounds & am in my 30s but still found myself falling in what I now know is Limerence w/those who give me the slightest affection or validation ❤
what people don't get (people who haven't been treated this way) is that there is a DESIGN to it all, a formula, a structure - very little of this manipulative shit would work if it was all left up to chaos - that's not how narcissism, narcissists and their control rooms work - the second something unpredictable happens they run the risk of losing their host, their subject, and they are left scrambling to alter or outright redraft their vampiric plans
this shit becomes a game, a hunt, to them and it is EXTREMELY difficult to scalpel these connections, especially when sex or drugs or intense emotions or trauma or an undeveloped sense of one's own self esteem is involved
While I understand the damage narcissistic behaviour causes, it's important to remember that NPD is a mental health disorder. Many who have NPD (if not most) are victims of their own trauma. This isn't to say that they are excused or given green flags to do what they do! But to cut out their own suffering, their own pain, their own struggles and label them black and white as "evil" or bad people, is not the whole picture. It's definitely harder to give yourself the boundaries needed when you can empathise with the person hurting you (I have personal experience) I don't think it's really and truly good for ourselves or mankind as a whole to cut out the grey areas.
There are VERY FEW people who with sheer, clearminded and cold calculations hurt others. Most people who cause harm, are hurting themselves.
Again, it is not an excuse! It does not mean we should put up with it, but the narrow view of "good and bad" people, is too limited.
@@MissZarcasm I respectfully disagree. NPD is not a mental health disorder. It is a personality type, and one that they willingly choose to get their needs met.
I myself was a victim of extreme forms of childhood abuse, ongoing for years and years. I never turned to purposely emotionally torturing others as a way to deal with my pain.
The OP never mentioned anything about "evil", so not sure why you decided to write everything you did? Interesting...
@@christinelamb1167 NPD stands for "Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is a personality disorder. It is a mental health disorder just like any other. Even psychopathy etc are mental health disorders! We cannot just ignore that inconvenient fact when we talk about these behaviours.
I mentioned evil, because people who write things like "there is a design to it all" paint the picture that this is an entirely sound and sane person who's choosing evil ways for sheer joy or satisfaction. That's simply not the case, even with narcissism. The matter is far more complex than that, and that was my entire point.
I reiterate; I am not saying people should excuse and forgive someone who beheaves poorly and doesn't try to change. Merely that labelling people as "Evil" and ignoring their own problems is too narrow and simple.
@@MissZarcasm Interesting that you keep saying "don't label them as evil", but nobody in this thread mentioned anything about evil, except you. I wonder why?
Seems you're trying to use this comment thread as some kind of platform for your agenda.
@@christinelamb1167 That is not my intention, maybe my use of the word is overemphasized. I only mean to say that there's more to it than they just "choose to be bad", does that make more sense perhaps? c:
I'm in the process of trying to extrapolate myself from an online friendship I realise is toxic. Yet I do miss them when I don't hear from them. But I know they will give me just enough attention to keep me hanging on then disappear. I feel stupid for falling for it, but then I've made so many mistakes with friendships in my life and it's a big heartbreaking issue for me. Yet I feel this person wants me as a hanger-on. They say its their health and carer duties that make them disappear, which is perfectly plausible but I am tired of the breadcrumb behaviour and feel I deserve better.
There is an inevitable arrogance (and I really don’t mean that in a demeaning way but simply in a realistic way) that comes with being a perpetual student of awareness, as well as being a guide for others as a result. The awareness and understanding gives us a feeling that we can deal with potential dangers and uncertainties. We can get overconfident and therefore put ourselves in a precarious position. Plus it has been my experience that we never really fully heal our wounded inner children, but rather just learn to parent and caretake them. And so when we get overconfident, we are more likely to fall short with that caretaking. All necessary lessons that we occasionally have to remind ourselves of. ❤❤ thank you for sharing your experience, it’s very valuable.
Yes, that arrogance is precisely the thing I had to recognise within myself. It's mixed up with a feeling that we HAVE to be that way - that we somehow owe it to others to be the one who's permanently FIXED and therefore able to handle everyone else's stuff. It's a hard pill to swallow when you admit to yourself that your wounded part was in the driver's seat and that you're not always 'The Healer.' Sometimes, you're 'The Unhealed.' Thanks for watching. x
Kelly-Ann risking posting unsolicited opinion for this but you DID walk away. Sounds like this guy had nothing on you, try as he might. They can take us for a ride but we sure as hell are getting the fuck off, we'll jump if we have too. All your parts are grateful to have you I'm sure ❤️ and so are we, thank you for you, for sharing and for validating. It's these experiences that are hard to put into words unless experienced and you did so beautiful 🙏
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I did find it similar, I'm sad to say. I'm a DV survivor not from a romantic relationship I was in, but my parents' marriage. I also have a narcissistic sister who tried a lot of the above with me before I went no contact. I'm still working through all of that. Sometimes, I feel like I'm ready to do the work then I'm reminded how fresh the wounds really are. Do take care of yourself. You matter.
@Inquisitive_Sol Thank you. That's very kind
That journal is key. Always keep a journal while in a relationship. The "Who the F Did Marry" lady from TikTok kept an audio diary and that's how she stayed sane through the gaslighting.
I don't know about that woman but I'll look it up. Yes, my journal certainly helps me navigate things that don't add up and writing helps me 'hear' myself when it's very hard to do so otherwise
That's such a good idea, and one I never thought of before. After the last relationship from hell I was in (thankfully 3 years no contact), I want to make sure I NEVER end up entangled with such a person ever again! Keeping a journal will help me to see patterns of behavior. It's hard to deny your own words written in ink on paper!
I love your relationship content.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
The same thing happened to me this year. I thought i was ok, but i wasn't. I hope your current relationship is alright. Blessings
I'm so sorry you experienced something like this. Thank you so much for watching and I wish you all the healing you need. x
thank you thank you THANK YOU for making this and sharing it. This was such an important video.
Thanks for watching, darling. Always lovely to see your name x
Also thanks about the talk about over giving. Looks like I’ve got some shadow work to do. 😂😅
Kelly, thank you SO much for this vulnerable story. I feel like you really cracked yourself open with this one. I had an experience like this, but I was very, very young and it was so traumatizing and horrific the only thing I can say that came out of it was that I learned that was the rock bottom I would ever want to experience in my life. I can't believe so many people are allowed to roam this world freely just abusing and emotionally manipulating people like it, but the more we collectively share and stand up and vocalize just how easy it is to be entrapped, I think the better we can look out for one another.Another thing I will mention is I found out as an adult I am AuDHD which I think is a very very prime target SPECIFICALLY for malignant narcissists and other kinds of abuse. Up there with other overrepresented victims. If that fact alone helps anyone, I hope it can spread, because neurodivergence is already not very well-understood, especially in the ways it affects and presents in women.
Much love Kelly Anne 4 sharing this makes women aware of the pathetic using narcisstic male. Thank goodness males can be divine males if brought up good mother role models. They will love support u not gaslight. You deserve a pure reliable soul x
Been there word for word. I still catch myself blaming myself. Ty for sharing.
Oh my darling Kelly Ann 😮 I’m so glad you got out of that relationship ❤ AND you also just sang the toxic ballad of my marriage to a malignant narcissist. Same… I reflected on all the red flags once I got out. And in a marriage, I kept feeling like I was so far in I needed to try to fix it. I kept trying to figure out how it had gone from so much love and sweetness to attack, gaslighting, breaking up with me after every argument, coercion (same, same), alcoholism and threatening self harm. The only way I got out was waking him up one evening and demanding a divorce. I called my dad on speaker phone so he could witness and hold me accountable the next day when he would beg me to stay. I finally realized the isolation had kept the emotional/verbal abuse secret. Oy… the healing I am doing on my heart and self image. Thank you for sharing your story love. ❤
Thanks so much for sharing Kelly-ann, helps us all to feel less alone. Lots of sad familiar shite in here. glad you are happy and loved by a decent man now you deserve it
Thanks for watching and for your empathy. Seeing so much empathy in the comments has been so profound. All we can do is keep talking, share info and encourage each other's healing. ❤
Been there done that and I was in my 40’s after a lifetime of experience. What I learned is that they are very good at what they do and are really fcking crazy. Psycho. So glad I figured out how to run like hell eventually. Ps almost married mine. Got to sit down with the woman he moved in with a month after I left him after she got out and compared notes. Yup crazy dude was crazy lol
Woah, the sit down with another unfortunate victim is BIG. 😮 Sorry you went through all of that.
Yes. Mine told all his friends when we first started dating that I had genital herpes so none of his friends would want to be with me? And many other horrible things lol
@tempestgrey4629 Gross. 😮😮😮 Mine kissed one of my close friends and tried to sleep with her while I was away. His words: 'I would've done if she'd been up for it.' Worst thing is he only told me after spending a couple of days in bed with me being insanely romantic after one of his ludicrous reconciliation tactics.
@@tempestgrey4629🫂 🫂 🫂
I’m sorry you went through it too. And I’m glad you’re doing better. I’m now married to a wonderful stable man and very happy
It's so upsetting how much I relate to this. Thank you for sharing your experience; it's very much helped me gain perspective on my own journey.
The way I am SCREAMING as you are talking K-A. Omfg.
Screaming and laughing my ass off, as I remember when I stood for myself when after ghosting me for a month after ditching me to go on a impromptu roadtrip with his buddies, he suddently videocalled me out of the blue to tell me that he "couldnt stomach me". I can still picture myself, chuckling and answering him :" Fuck. I'm so sorry you feel that way, best we leave at that, yeah? Take care of yourself bud." And hung up the call as his face changed from contempt to absolute incomprehension and glassy eyes.
Immediately tried to reel me back in with a poem on a platform I had forgotten to block him on telling me that I was a "Goddess, that I changed his life, etc."
Blocked his ass immediately, lol. One of my proudest moments. Sticking for yourself is exhilarating.
He tried using every single tactics you're mentionning. EVERY SINGLE ONE. I'm starting to think someone put together a "Gaslighting for noobs" manifesto or some shit, lol.
Yes I can relate I'm going through this in a way. Very fresh. 2 days in. It's painful. I loved the way you expressed "why couldn't you just leave tho" and how others view our mindset. so true. And when you said "when they are only suicidal when they are trying wheel you back in because youre the only one who can save them IS NEVER OKAY to do" that was a great example and i as well went through that. I Didn't think of it..
But what I keep coming back to in my head is perspective and how crazy this seems typing it. So all the while I sit here hurt and know I was abused I can still without a doubt know that he's also thinking he was but in a much different way. I know he wasn't good and so therefore i wasn't too wheter that was allowing his ways to take me back in or retaliation or the just plain lack of love that i was calling love. It's in some instances) oddly both of us just so toxic and therefore it ends with us both thinking the other person is the one to blame. But I can assure you that I shouldn't have been completely terrified of him the whole time!
And do I think he himself is considering perspective also?!... No, not a chance on this green earth. But oh well we are vastly different I will grow now in a different time and hope to leave all regrets behind this moment.
And will do whatever I can not to confuse my self healing for loneliness.
This was so real and so powerful, inspiring truly
I'm so happy you have healed and found yourself again - it truly is the darkest of places when someone makes you lose yourself and question your own reality. I'm so sorry that you brushed into this person, Universe certainly gave you a lesson you'll never forget, a lesson that unfortunately so many experience and never forget. As much good as there is in this world, there is just as much evil, and the brighter you shine the more darker energies are attracted, a ying yang, a balance. Those that have little light wants yours, or cannot stand to see it shine so bright, and there comes a point where if the connection stays, they do indeed take your energy and light, and both energies then match. The brighter, lighter energy dimmed, and the darker energy slightly less dark, but though their suffering is alleviated and their darkness a little bit brighter, they've now transferred some of their darkness onto you, someone who is so bright and so positive. They want what they do not have, and in seeing the reflection of evil and darkness in themselves then seek to destroy the very thing they wanted the most. It's inevitable when a cord is made, and your words are such an exemplary guide of what to keep an eye out for so people can be guarded against such personality types. Thank you for sharing your experience and your wisdom. ❤
Thank you for this input. ❤ And thanks for watching. When a cord is made it is very hard to sever it. I am glad I made it out with my wits and my sense of integrity still flickering a tiny bit so that I could build them back up easier than some people who go through it for a prolonged period.
@@kelly-annmaddoxYou are so powerful and sovereign and strong and it takes such resolve and resiliency to come back from such experiences. I'm so thankful you got out before he harmed your physical vessel - it always starts with a door. And it always escalates. Thank Goddess and your intuition for leaving 🙏
Kelly-Ann you don’t know how timely this video is
Thank you ❤
I just shared the shit out of this video with family because this is so helpful and comforting.
OMG Kelly Ann I cannot thank you enough for this. I had a very similar situation 2022-2023 and I was the same, I knew the flags, I thought I was safe because I knew what to look for, I know intimately how abusive relationships work, and yet it still happened to me and try to trust myself again is so hard. I worked so hard to connect to myself over years, bulding my self love, and he sledgehammered through it.
The only reason I got out was because I watched him start doing the same to someone else and using me to lure them in and it was like I was replaying the early part of our relationship and I suddenlly just saw it all laid out in front of me, and then friends told me that he'd done it before too.
It is so validating to hear you talk about your experience and to know that it's ok to still be healing. A lot of my community (I outed my abuser within my community) are very clearly "you should be over it by now" and I'm not.
CW: trauma dump.
The being starved of love and so taking whatever is available resonates so deeply with me. My mother is emotionally abusive and it has taken me a long time to get free of her and heal. I realised after I left him that he was the first time I had felt safe since before my dad died when I was 14 (I'm 36) and recognising that was terrifying because I wasn't safe at all, I just so desparately needed to feel safe.
Looking back I recognise how he disconnected me from myself - the first things he took by making me too busy were my spiritual practice and my daily yoga practice. Every day for 3 years I did yoga and then it stopped just when I was at his, and then it stopped all together. And suddenly there was no time for me to check in with me, to listen to my body which was screaming at me "he is not safe."
I have so much compassion for myself but also so much fear that it will happen again (it nearly did but that time I did GTFO before it kicked off). I hope I can get to the point you're at where I can just recognise that I am vulnerable in that area but manage the fear and take the risk to let people in again.
My situation was polyam and it still breaks my heart that I left 2 other people in that relationship. I did try, I told them what happened, I gave them all the info, and I know they weren't ready to leave and there was nothing I could do, but it breaks my heart that two wonderful, loving, good people are still being hurt and I couldn't save them - and that goes back to my own childhood stuff of not being able to save my mother from alcoholism or my dad from cancer.
I’ve been in emotional and physical abusive relationships. Glad u ended it before it got worse. I feel this so hard omg
Have been through it all. Now, finally, my primary relationship is with myself. I am finally balanced and happy. I no longer have a pit in my stomach. I feel free. No longer get the 8 of Swords. No longer waiting for The One. Life is Sooooooo much better. I admire you greatly, Kelly Ann.
Kelly-Ann, I had a session with you in 2020 relating to a very similar relationship dynamic and I had no idea that you had recently been through something similar yourself. You helped me so much and I wanted to say how much I appreciated your open-hearted conversation at that time and I'm so sorry that happened to you.
And well, if Kelly-Ann Maddox can be gaslit, we can all be gaslit. After being single since then, I've healed a lot of the roots of why I was roped in, but still so scared of dating.
God, so much of what you say resonates. Very especially about knowing damn well it's a bad situation and being unable to really break away, and feeling aghast at your own behavior once you're free. It's humbling in both the best and worst ways. My toxic partner absolutely could have yo-yoed me if he'd had the desire and skill, but I was lucky (???) that he was avoidant while I was anxious. He was still manipulative and all poisoned honey with the time he did give me. The emotional wounds burned for four times as long as the relationship itself lasted. There was just no way to "reason" myself out of those stupid feelings of mine; I just had to wait-literally years-while safely away from him for my thought behavior to shift back to a healthier response in regards to him. Having records of his cruelty to revisit was an absolutely necessary part of that shift.
I just want to say thank you for sharing this story. I'm currently single because I'm still healing from some old relationships and I know I need the space to do that. It's encouraging to hear that there are healthy connections on the other side of this type of work.
Holy fuck, Kelly-Ann! I’m so sorry. I had no idea that my ex was going to make his way straight to you, after I finally got out of his hideous clutches!! Not seriously, but um… SERIOUSLY… damn near word-for-word, it’s so creepy to hear you describing what sounds like the EXACT same person I had myself tangled up with. And, just like you, I was GOBSMACKED, SHOCKED, HORRIFIED & BEFUDDLED about the fact that I was able to fall prey to this kind of shit.
Also like you, I went through quite a bit of therapy and I do feel like that relationship was karmic and somehow necessary, for me to work through the things in me that made me a perfect target for this kind of person.
I'm so sorry you can relate. 😔 But happy that you have managed to alchemise the experience x
Thank you for sharing this. Knowing that somebody who is as aware of all the shit as you are can be taken in by people like that makes me feel less stupid for falling for similar situations.
I absolutely love you. If the odd guy doesn't appreciate you, all I can say it that it is his loss.
I really appreciate your comments at the end the shadow side of the over giver. I am a recovering over giver and I know there are egoic reasons for that which is my own work to do. We can fool ourselves that it is all loving and selfless. And it is not. Some of it is and some is not.
I really needed this, perfect timing! I appreciate all that you do!
Sending you lots of love and positive energy 💙💙💙
Thank you so so much for sharing your story. I have my own experiences that I haven't had the opportunity to really share with anyone. Thank you for becoming aware and loving yourself enough to grow and heal! It has taken me a while but I am much more aware and wise than I once was. Love you! So proud of you! 🫶
I'm proud of you too. ❤ I'm sorry you've got your own story to tell and I hope you can heal fully and deeply. X
@@kelly-annmaddox I am so grateful for this response! Honestly, going through these dark experiences allowed me to realize and get closer to my purpose. I am closer to the divine now than I ever felt previously and I'm so excited to honor my callings without the negative influence of my exes
@@illutrineAhh yes, getting back to the divine connection afterwards - skinned, sore, but still alive and ready to feel plugged in again. 🥰 I know the feeling so well. X
@@kelly-annmaddox Soul fam
It happened to me. It was a long time ago. It’s cast a long shadow in my life. But all shadows fade out at the edges until they are just the baseline light of the current environment.
I wish it had never happened. I don’t pretend that it didn’t. When the memories circle back into my awareness I just let them wash over me. I look at the scar on my hand. I look at the scars on my heart. And I just get on with my day.
The person doesn’t deserve any more than my momentary contempt every now and then.
I can understand being mind blown about a new situation - my last relationship brought out a very shadow side of not only that partner, but all our mutual friends. I had allergic reactions. Like bad ones. It’s good you had lots of support to bounce back. ❤
It's almost like there's a manual for covert narcissists. And I was an msw providing therapy for others in traumatic relationships when I realized I had fallen for a narcissist. I consider myself lucky that I realized what was going on after only 5 mos I got out. But that took me giving away my dog to please him and the next day he was a foot away from me screaming in my face about something else. The thought popped into my head that this guy will kill me one day and so when he threatened to leave for the zillionth time I said ok pack your stuff and I'll take you. Luckily he wanted to go to friends and hour away and there was no transportation for him to get back but he harassed me with ranting texts emails and phone calls until I blocked him. There was a lot more unpleasantness but it's over now and I'm happily single forever now.
So good. Nothing cliche at all about the inner child’s need for love and the addiction that we can fall into. Thank you for this. ❤ I really value how you unpack the many shades of abuse that we can fall into when our wounds are triggered. ❤
I went through something similar just after getting distance from a narcissistic parent, and this dude got me. I was putting myself back together and thought I knew the signs, and then here comes this person who treated me so well- at first- and I was like, *this* is what healthy love looks like. And then the same cycles and I tried to end it and kept getting pulled back. This relationship nearly broke me. And then the utter shame I felt for years after it. I refused to date until I'd dealt with myself and healed, and continued reparenting myself to this day. Now, when I look back, I feel so much compassion and no shame for myself at the time. And I will never assume I can't be fooled, but I trust my instincts and the part of me that has learned and grown and now takes care of my wounded inner child. Thank you for sharing this.
What a horrible experience to go through Kelly. Many of us have been there too, myself included. A witch, Healer, on my own spiritual path. Middle aged and with plenty of life experience, lessons and shadow work completed. It happened to me. The narcissist got me like a dark manipulative warlock. These people are dangerous and you are never too wise and experienced to fall for the game.
You have an astonishing capacity to take deeply, painfully personal experience and turn it into profound, relatable and very human experience. There is something quite beautiful and strangely celebratory about the way you hold up experience to the light and let your spirit shine into it and out onto us. I am sorry you had to go through so much pain and also deeply thankful for the gift. Did I experience a chill or two or three? You bet!
Wow, thank you so much. ❤ What a beautiful thing to say. 🥹🥹🥹
I'm sorry that happened to you Kelly-Ann. That person is right, he is fucked up, but the fun fact for all the girlies is that fucked up guys aren't your problem. They are adults and they can adult themselves out of that shit.
Thank you for sharing this because if it helps even one person spot this kind of asshole and give them the boot they deserved, it's more than worth it.
You are not their mother, or their keeper, they are not your responsibility.
So sorry to hear this happened, Kelly-Ann ❤ I think any person can be manipulated by another, especially when someone is a really empathetic person who tends to be comfortable supporting others. A horrible experience, but huge amounts of respect for working through it and choosing to stay single through that. A truly powerful video and an amazing quote in there! Sending love xxx
@@blackbirdsong6132 Thank you so much for these words, angel x
@@kelly-annmaddox Always welcome 😘
We all have strength and fragility in the deepest part of our souls......we are all human.....life is full of love and shields.... we use them both ..everyday
Thank you so much for your authenticity, always ♥️
My damaged inner child really threw my life into chaos re romantic relationships so many times even after a long process of reparenting work with myself. Each time the toxic relationship lasted a shorter time before She let me take the wheel to my “bus” back. Eventually it was my inner damaged teen taking over, still chaotic & toxic but in different ways. It was only after CPTSD therapy that They didn’t step up to take control in relationships anymore. The roots of my wounds were also my earliest childhood experiences.
I have experienced that shock of coming out the other side of a toxic relationship & adult self at a total loss as to how I let that happen, how was I so blind etc. Terribly discombobulating to say the least.
I also had to be totally single but for a very long time, zero dates, zero interaction with men except my sons for 12 years!
I’m pretty sure I could have shortened that time by going no contact with my abusive parents but who knows as I didn’t do that even though I really should have 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for sharing this Kelly Ann. Anyone can be conned even when you know how the game works. True in my experience. This kind of relationship is a cult of 2. That makes so much sense to me. I grew up in a cult and am hard wired to like and want the "oneness" feel. I am very careful and have been healing for years. I am 63 and still have to watch myself. What you are describing here is real.
Classic Narcissist. Text Book, been there years ago in my 40 s at the time Terrible little Hippie random meet in Glastonbury Town Christmas 205, never again! Empath and Narcissist dynamic, Kelly. Many decent Men delighted to be with you without a shadow of a doubt.These people Demonic, any way I looked honestly at me after I broke up the relationship which wasn't easy. I met up with him last year random he is still the same.Sexual Chemistry the glue lots of passion between us, in the relationship.I wrote a story about our encounter..very pleased with the result..Finally the Hippies passed ex 's ended terribly he absent of emotion and empathy basic decency. Never met a Man like that ever.They walk amongst us be aware people.
The control pattern certainly does fulfil all the hallmarks of how someone is treated when they are 'narcissistic supply.'
thank you for this. the details of my dysfunctional upbringing and dysfunctional relationships are different but this really helps me understand a relationship and a particular dynamic in my current relationship where otherwise I am just like, how could I fall for that again? or, why did I just let this drag on without dealing with it? it doesn't make sense. but it does make sense when it's in terms of an inner child who doesn't know better and who is constantly seeking the comfort of the familiar dysfunction. xoxo
Yeah. I've been in a relationship where she enjoyed feeling powerful by pulling and pushing me in and away. And making it out like I was responsible for her not un-aliving herself... And she turned the shared friend group against me and made me out to them to be "crazy..." ... And once I told a friend years later, when I was in therapy, and she wasn't there anymore, etc. This friend just listens and looks at me sadly and says, ".... It's nice... to feel Wanted." And idk what it was about the way they said it, but it's echoed in my skull like... Wow. Yeah... I didn't know better how to avoid it. I didn't know better what was happening... and it was nice to think I was wanted. And that was sad and also gentle to realize.
I had to stop a relationship recently in which there was extreme mutual attraction, but it was feeling too strong too fast. And then there were things they said and then didn't follow through multiple times, and acted like I was wrong for expecting ... because they were going through struggles they hadn't been up front about... OK. Once. Twice.... when it became a pattern, I realized it was triggering too much from the past relationship-- the idealization and devaluation like you said: They would say how into me they were and how much I inspired them to be brave and themselves, but then.... they wouldn't follow through on plans to spend time together. Would talk about communication but not say the plans had to change.... I just had to back out. Sure enough. They had someone else ready to step in immediately and apparently jumped headfirst into a hot and heavy relationship with them. And it just became clear that... Oh.... So you had time for someone else. But not me. And there was some .... Not telling the whole truth of things the whole time.
Even so. Even after realizing all this. There's a part of me that craves affection that wonders, "Did I fuck up my only chance to feel that intensity?" And I have to remind myself to this day, "No. I didnt miss my chance. I dodged a bullet. "
I hear your story, I read other stories in the comments and I look at my past experience (year ago broke off 3 year old toxic relationship with a narc). Crazy how similar these patterns are even though we all dated different people. I still have plenty of inner work to do. It will last longer now though, because I'm scared of getting involved in any kind of relationship.
EDIT: Yes, journaling helped me so much to get out. It made me do a reality check on where I stand and what to do. That and a psychologist...
Oh my, this. Thank you. I can imagine this video will open a door of awareness for many people.
Yep, nodding vigorously. Still finding the alchemy of what happened, but it is good to hear your experience and feel less alone in mine
the part where you mentioned how the person fits your inner child perfectly. i met someone who was exactly all the qualities i ever wanted, that i thought was just a fantasy, so it was candy to my inner child when i met my dream person. punk, a writer, an activist, beautiful body, compelling angst. i thought i was smart and strong and didnt take shit. but sometimes the problem with being strong is that i think i can resolve any problem. i thought i was strong enough to fix and carry the relationship even without his help.
he legit had depression and i made every excuse to cut him more slack while i pushed myself harder to be "even better." depression and trauma arent a free pass to fuck people up and do nothing about your wounds.
i had a fantasy that he fit it so freakishly well at first, and then he totally dropped the act. sad. 4 yrs of denying that the person i fell in love with wasnt just wounded, dark, and feisty like me. he was just an asshole. i wanted the kind of romance to set the world on fire and heal together. in the end, all he wanted was his reputation.
these people push your buttons until they find your weakness, and then they keep pushing your weak spot. so even if it feels specific, it isnt. there's a simple repeatable formula. say random shit until you land on people's insecurity or sympathy, then put them on an addiction roller coaster. but i projected so much complexity onto it because MY shadows are complex.
i appreciate the takeaway that it happens to the best of us. some people hit you where you're squishiest.
You're a really good writer. ❤ I really envisioned everything - the entire relationship and the essence of this person who loomed so large and then let you down so badly. I'm sorry that happened to you. Your realisation that this person seemed to fulfil a childhood vision of what love could be is soooo relatable.
@@kelly-annmaddox baww. unrelated to the topic. thanks for the compliment on my writing. it means a lot from writer to writer. x] thanks again for sharing your journey and insights. tough overgivers gotta look out for each other.
So much of what you describe here made me think of BBC sounds "Assume Nothing -Femicide"
Jesuseffingchrist, this sounds just like my ex who is now known only as "The Evil German." When one becomes an adult "of a certain age," you just have to accept that new partners have pasts, and the dumb shit they did when they were young is not necessarily the dumb shit they will do now, because ostensibly we're all supposed to be learning and growing and becoming better versions of ourselves. At some point though, I looked back and it wasn't just a few red flags, it was a goddamned Olympic color-guard parade. The worst part was the "HOW THE FUCK DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?" and how I started to doubt my own judgement.
Anyway, I'm really sorry you went through that, and I am glad you seem to be doing better now.
Kelly-Ann, thank you for sharing. I’ve never experienced this and most likely will not as I am single and happy and staying this way. But your video is full of wisdom and empathy. Bravo to you for finally getting OUT and finding a healthy relationship. Blessed Be.
Thank you so much for listening even though you can't directly relate. Single and happy is a good place to be. 🙂
28:00
I must put a pin in this because my phone is almost out of charge; I'm already sure that I will find this story relatable and important because the few things you said are things I have lived versions of as well.
I can’t even begin to explain how helpful this video is
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you so very much for sharing this experience. You're right. I spent most of the video nodding, yes.
I'm going through a terrible situation with my narcissistic son,who I can't just walk away from due to my grand daughter being traumatized by him and her mother, who is also a narcissist. I know that I'm in the same situation that my dear grandparents were in when I was growing up with a sadistic narcissistic mother. I have gone no contact with all of my siblings who are really toxic and messed up. But my son is an only child and turned out toxic as hell. And my granddaughter is also an only child and is suffering. She cries a lot about things that are said to her. My hands are tied to try to help her much. In the meantime I have been enduring the same cycles you described of value,bread crumbling and devaluation and then on it goes. My self worth has been crumbling so much that I have just decided to live in solitude alone and stay away from people. I'm trying to stay in Contact with my granddaughter through writing her letters as much as I can. I don’t know if she actually gets all of them bit I keep writing. She is 7 and is just learning to read. I send her mostly pictures and coloring pages that have love on them and positive affirmations on them. I have heard her say that she hated herself. This breaks my heart. I know that my grandparents were my rock when I was a young child. I can't just cut my son out of my life because of my granddaughter. I am on a fixed income and cannot afford therapy. I wish I could. But I read a lot and study a lot about narcissism. Dr. Ramini is a great resource. So is Dr.Les Carter. They have TH-cam channels. Most of the toxic people in my life I have walked away from and have gone no contact, but there's that one Narcistic person that is not so easy to just cut out,especially when there are innocent children involved who are in danger of terrible emotional abuse. She is already showing signs of being quiet and very shy. She cries a lot. Not just small tears here and there. I'm talking real snotty nosed deep boo hoping crying. It breaks my heart for her. She says she wants to come live with me. That is not possible. I live in a government subsidy apartment for senior citizens. If I owned my own home it would be better for her to come more often. But also the Texas family court system would be another issue. I wish there was more I could do for her. In the meantime,I'm enduring a lot of up and down cycles like you expressed from my son, her father. One minute he's really sweet and offers to do this and that. Offers financial assistance once in a while, then gets extremely nasty and makes me feel like dog shit on his shoe for even accepting his offer and then throws money at me. Like he's trying to show me how large and in charge he is and how insignificant and pathetic I am. NO MORE. No matter what, I will never accept anything else from him ever again. I'm Done. Dr. Ramini outlined a 5 point strategy on how to handle that one narc that you cannot cut ties with due to certain situations. I'm going to implement it and see how it goes.
Love you, Kelly. Thanks so much for this video.❤
The King of Cups; REVERSED. Congratulations Kelly-Anne on your victory. I’m glad you were able to “get back on the saddle”.
King of Cups reversed EXACTLY RIGHT.
Thank you for sharing. Sounds like a Love and sex addicts dynamic. I’m in the middle of a purge of a toxic “pseudo” relationship. It’s hard and painful. Please be more mindful to whom you let in to your life.
That's the crazy thing about my story - I am soooo mindful of who I let into my life. I always say that my trust is earned by degrees and that I have the right to choose who gets into my inner sanctum blah blah blah. 😅😑 I am usually so unfuckwithable and tend to distrust people who try to get close too quickly etcetera. He completely fooled me and that's why this video felt important to make. I want people to know the signs and keep being vigilant because sometimes the people who really believe they could never be taken in by this kind of behaviour might be unable to see it for what it is unless we all keep reiterating our stories and stressing that it's NOT ok. Thanks for watching.
Finally finished the entire video just now!! Thank you for sharing your experiences & this incredible gem of a video. 💎💖When you said "I didn't walk into this relationship consciously"...it's the same thing with me 😢 When I think back and reflect on why I let this (my toxic relationship) happen - I couldn't pinpoint a single moment where I consciously made the decision to be with that person. I don't think I actually had the desire to - in the back of my mind, I knew what kind of person he was and I knew exactly what I was walking into but I couldn't act! It felt like boarding a random ship that sailed into the ocean that I couldn't put a stop to. Now that I think of it, I felt utterly separated from the part of me that dwelled in that relationship for 2 fucking years. It was as if they were emotionally/mentally/energetically kidnapped and taken away from me and I literally couldn't do anything to save her. The few times where I almost came to my senses and tried to leave was when my toxic partner tightened his grip and did everything he could to manipulate me to stay. I know one of the reasons why I fell prey to that toxic relationship was because my wounded inner child was SICK with longing - longing for romance, for love - longing to feel like someone's special person, to belong to someone. The longing was so intense that it was able to form a cocoon of delusion around my senses and made the other parts of me completely dysfunctional and paralyzed. So much to say on this matter...ugh! But I'll just share that I too have made the conscious choice to "give up on love" (for now) and not open myself to relationships or even the idea of relationships (because I realize though I wasn't someone who actively dated or sought after relationships in action - I always had that deep sickening longing underlying a lot of my suffering and choices). It felt liberating and like a total relief to decide that I will no longer be looking out for my "soul mate", "special person", "BFF" or whatever. Like it freed up so much space for me to just connect + fall in love with myself & romance myself instead of (subconsciously) wanting someone to complete me. (I think my biggest flaw was believing that I wasn't somebody that sought the idea of being completed by another in relationships, because I'm so "independent" & have my own creative online business - right? BUT I ACTUALLY FUCKING DID 🤡💀)
I'm sorry you had to go through this, Kelly-Ann. I want to tell you that you opened my eyes. Like The Hermit, you brought me light. If I ever get out of this, I want you to know it was because you opened the door for me. For a very long time I have just wanted him to change. After watching this video, I see that I need to shift the attention to myself: Why have I allowed myself to be in this situation? Where does this come from? How can I strengthen and save myself? Thanks you so much.
Darling, you will get to the other side of this. I have every hope for you. The way your mindset shifted as you watched this video is a testament to your growing readiness to create a change. I will always be grateful to have opened any door that helped you make your way to freedom and healing. With you all the way, darling. x
They don't look like demons....until THEY DO!
It's always such a tremendous gift to listen to you. English is not my first language so it’s sometimes hard to explain what I mean but You, my cupcake, have a very profound way to put the finger right there on the underlying cause. Thank you so much for this and all that you do! ❤️💖❤️
Loads of love 💖🙏🏼💖
Classic... Kudos for coming out with the whole thing.
And all that time he had you exactly where he wanted you. It's called narcissistic supply.
wow, once again your generosity just absolutely humbles me. You share your experiences in a way that is so nourishing and real and ultimately uplifting even when those experiences are horrible and painful, thank you so much! One of the things I value about being able to participate in online community is this feeling of common experiences, the strengthening of the things that make us better stronger individuals and as a result help us build better stronger communities. I live literally halfway across the world from you and we likely will never actually meet, but I listen to you and hear my own thoughts and feelings and experiences, sometimes directly and sometimes in adjacent ways and it is so nourishing - I'm here for all of it, I'm so happy for you that you are through to the other side of this one, and I'm so appreciative that sharing with all of us is something you enjoy to do. Thank you, have a joyful day, and know that what you do is powerful and important! 🥰
Thank you so much for this lovely comment. ❤ I truly appreciate it. I also love online community for that same reason. It's amazing how much stronger the threads of collective human understanding are because of the internet.
Super articulate! Great video of a subject that (unfortunately l) is way too common to a lot if us. Thank you!
I can definitely see from the amount of empathising comments just how common this is. 😑 Thanks for watching, doll x