Been there... I never hit my daughter, I feared of being out of control. I've lived in suppression. I'm 57 years old finally getting all the answers. Adhd at 46.. Asd at 57. My dad committed suicide at age 29. He had a neurodivergent brain and a wrong diagnosis. It breaks my heart.
I joined the ASD club at 57 too. ADHD at 7 lol....So sorry about your father. I've been in that same place. It was so horrible. I didn't want to die, but I didn't know if I could continue living with so much pain and confusion. Ketamine infusion therapy fixed that problemin 2018. ASD diagnosis in 2022 put everything in perspective. It's been a hard life, but it's much better now.
The worst part of the rage, meltdowns etc happens in undiagnosed girls. Who were probably abused as well. One recently shot her mom and now she is in prison for life. You can actually hear the 14 year old girl screaming and yelling as she was shooting. The other is being taken advantage of as in the sandman trio case.
When I tell you...having that level of rage and anger is so scary. I remember when I got sick for a solid week. I was angry at myself, my mom and all of my family members. Simply because I was sick and I couldn’t make myself better at a rate that I wanted or self isolate. That's one of my immediate triggers for rage. Being sick and people watching me be sick. I had never been so ashamed and so upset with myself about this one small silly thing. It's mainly due to how I've had to self isolate whenever I did get sick not wanting to make my mother sick and hear her blame me for it. The sh#t sucked hard. A huge thank you for posting this. It's nice to know that you're here letting others, like me, know you're not alone❤
Oh you're so very welcome- and thank you for sharing your experience. Please remember you are not a terrible person, you are just a person struggling with terrible feeling emotions and not able to find a way to release that serves both you and others. It does get better ☀️
om All of this! I also thought i needed anger management! and have these uncontrollable moments of just feeling pure rage..I have never considered it to be a meltdown ...makes so much sense
I don't think a typical anger management course is effective for Autistic Rage. When I was 13 I did attend one & it was atrocious. Early on the social worker was agitated by my "know it all attitude" & asked me if I'd like to lead our group therapy, so I did. While I learned a lot about other people & social work, I got nothing new about effective anger management out of months of attendance.
Same for me. I was so ashamed of my anger. My friends called me “furious kid”. Now all makes sense. Breathing helps, also change of mindset to “it’s not my problem”. It changed with leveling up my self esteem. Even if I am angry, I can just silently tell to myself “fuck that” and take space to process. In the past I made many bad decisions based on my fury. Didn’t know until now that this is autistic trait. I am going to take an assesment - 31 y now
It’s alexithymia, which you acquire due to not picking up feelings from neurotypes with whom you cannot communicate naturally, but you are right, it gets better with age, learning theory of mind and empathy.
Trouble is when you're large enough and classical masculine and good enough at masking. You suddenly lose license to have anger and you become a threat instead of a person most people's eyes and it doesn't matter. To yourself and others it feels like once you control is gone so is your humanity. Some days this stuff is hard man.
I have that rage- I’ve broken so many things and sometimes when throwing things have hurt others- well hurt one other and it was my Mom. What I threw flew and hit her. She started crying and then I flash stopped. Everything inside me turned sick. I looked at where she was holding at the deep red welt that would definitely turn to a bruise. I wept. I apologized over and over. I picked up the pieces of what I broke and kept asking if she was okay or wanted me to leave. Mom hugged me. She told me it hurt, but knew I didn’t throw it at her. But she asked if I was willing to go get help. I said I was. That I hurt her and that’s not good. I’m in a lot better place now. I still get angry, but the outbursts don’t turn physical. I still have such deep shame there and a huge sense of gratitude for the love my Mom has for me. She does so much to help me succeed and I often try to do it without her feeling like as an adult myself now… she does too much for me. She won’t have it tho. She says I’m her little girl no matter what and she will help me cause she’s my Mom. So I just do my best to help her. I’m glad I have such a good relationship with my Parent. She has a heart of gold.
One therapist said I had bi-polar tendencies (and diagnosed with depression and ADHD), on account of the anger I displayed at home before I discovered Autism many years after my marriage fell apart.
@@joiemonster4922same here, I took almost all medications out there for bipolar and it just made everything worse, now i might be diabetic. i wish i was diagnosed sooner.
In my case my autism was hidden behind my mental illnesses. So all my autism symptoms were taken as mental health symptoms. A man at the bus stop spit on me and I blacked out and started whacking him with shopping bags. He wasn't hurt but I got really scared of what I was capable of. That was in 1999. That is the last time I hit anyone. I have since had two incidents of breaking things. One in the Emergency Room in 2009 and one in the psych hospital this year (I smashed a chair). I am pretty good at regulating myself normally but it is harder in the hospital.
@@Catlily5 do you have any advice for getting psychologist/psychiatrist to be willing to do an autism assessment when there’s already diagnosis of mental health conditions? I’ve been trying to pursue that to my younger brother he’s going to be 12 next week but the doctors and his teachers have been unwilling to consider something like autism and instead of focusing only on medication for his psychiatric conditions
@@asecretcourtofcrowsandcloc4084 I used a stimulus check that I got during Covid to pay for my autism assessment. So that way I bypassed all the other doctors who I thought might not believe me or refer me.
@@asecretcourtofcrowsandcloc4084I paid for my assessment with a stimulus check from the government. That way I bypassed doctors who might not have believed me. Also, I am in the USA. It also might depend on which country you are in.
I wonder if you write notes of details of what you observe in your brother that sound like autism to you? Including stats from late diagnosed adults who had been diagnosed or misdiagnosed with orger mental health disorders , and so treatment for the mental health was less or ineffective because of the autism being ignored or unknown…? (and the damage of being put on medication’s that are inappropriate or just unnecessary because it’s a different issue entirely ) I mean it’s work for you but maybe? does he do better in quiet spaces? Where are his more content places? If he’s autistic, then school might really really really suck because of the over stimulation… good luck!! Persist!! I’m so glad he has you advocating for him💗@@asecretcourtofcrowsandcloc4084
So my experience is a little different. I barely masked outside of my home and masked a lot in my home. I never questioned adults in and out of home, always took in everything they would do to me (except my grandfather, he was the worst, but regardless of my complaints, he never changed). With my peers tho... I never masked a lot. I was reactive, violent, screaming at them from the top of my lungs, sometimes I tried to just insert myself into a conversation (like I wasn't looking for a moment to blend in with a conversation or consider if they liked me or not, I wanted to talk - I would go for it. Of course it would end up in people not liking me even more). I was a meanace to society. But at home I was a lot more quieter and calmer. I tried not to make much noise and behave a lot more, even though sometimes I would slip. I think the reason I masked at home rather than outside is because 1) I care about my family the most and this is where my priority lies. I accepted the fact that I was "weird" for everyone else and that I was a "bad person", so I didn't bother to mask outside, and 2) my household wasn't the safest enviroment. My father left, mom got depressed, grandfather was violent himself (I would go into details why, but that would be trauma dumping. Let's say he wasn't typically violent like beating me up or beating with a belt, but it was still traumatic), nobody supported me or said anything nice when I was bullied and so much more. Since very young age I felt like I shouldn't report on horrible stull adults did to me (my teacher and grandfather) or my actions would cause our family to fall apart. That was my fear number 1 growing up, so I masked. Now, when I experience autistic burnout, after a surgery and still needing to survive, I discover more and more about myself and I do not hold back a lot of times. It actually feels so great to stop giving a shit and do what I need to feel better.
Get accused of anger all the time... tell them I am not angry I am just frustrated.. get told that clearly I am actually angry and I need to calm down... tell them no I am frustrated its different... get told that if I don't calm my anger down there are going to be repercussions... Now... I am starting to feel extremely frustrated and starting to get angry that they are not listening to me and instead trying to suppress my autonomy
Would love a vid about more internal experieces of autism. Internal stimming... Internal meltdowns/shutdowns. I have had a few external meltdowns and have a well regulated fight response (from years of fawning to survive).. but the internal stuff would be helpful to know more about. I identify with struggling with others, and feeling like i need alone time to recover and reregulate. Also feeling very frustrated and angry with others without the skills to manage during rhe interaction, so i end up just holding it all in.
I’m with you on this one. A lot of my experiences I internalize and it creates such chaos in my body and mind instead of seeping or exploding out of me in outbursts or meltdowns. Sometimes I get tempted that it means that I’m not able to relate to the autistic experience, but then I remember it’s the internal experience that has been misunderstood for so long anyways. So these internal experiences are so valid too and I would love to see more discussions about this too!!
I cried after watching this video. Until listening to your words and hearing about your experience with anger Elena, i had been feeling SO alone and confused. I live with other people (and am not diagnosed with Autism or etc) and let's just say that my own anger has caused quite the tension in the home over this year so far. I absolutely thank you for your encouraging words and for being here for us Elena. I am most definitely in the thick of my anger + anxiety and depression too. The past 2 years have been so tough and it hasn't been getting any better but hopefully educating myself more and finding relatability in others will be helpful, even if i can't see it yet. ♡♡♡
Thank you so much for sharing this. My younger brother is turning 12 next week and over the past year has developed several behaviors, thought patterns, and emotional responses that have made it very difficult for him to function successfully in school and at home. One of these is him becoming highly angry very quickly over small too little to no cause and a times this leads not just yelling but also him doing things/becoming violent with objects etc. etc. He’s received a few mental health diagnosis from a psychiatrist evaluation but he was not assessed for autism and in fact the summary report that the psychiatrist wrote for the district stated that they did not consider what are some in his case because of the fact that mom has not reported yes to answering any of the questions about his early childhood that would’ve indicated what are some symptoms. This was all to me because I knew that there were plenty of instances when it was not diagnosed until later on in life. Put in mention that if they ask both if you have any suggestions on how to get professionals to consider doing an autism assessment, and what if any advice you might have regarding questions I could ask him about what he’s thinking/feeling during his outburst to try to figure out whether they might in fact be autism related anger/meltdowns, or something else.
You're proud of me? I'm proud of you! You're so awesome. And congrats on the arm implant. Did that issue with it being painful ever get resolved? I of course want you to be able to enjoy life. I learn from your videos. Thank you for them. Bless you and best wishes.
Jeezus, every time I wonder whether your videos will continue to resonate, you come out with another truth bomb. When I was your age, I kept all my anger and sadness inside and turned it inward, which totally quashed my self-esteem. I’m still struggling with my ability to emotionally regulate, so as to avoid wallowing in shame (which totally derails my productivity) or erupting at my family when I feel overwhelmed. I am also trying to help my kids manage their emotions. They are boy-girl twins, about to turn 14 this month, and they are both on the spectrum. My daughter was like you when she was between about 2-6 years old, but she switched to being extremely stoic after that and rarely shows emotions. She’s an extremely bright and verbal kid and holding it together in a mainstream school setting, but I worry that she’s holding too much inside. My son is exactly as you describe yourself. Instead of holding this in, he acts out. It began in 3rd grade when his needs were not being met during the pandemic (also coinciding with his other parent - my partner of 25 years - leaving me), and it got really bad from there. He would rip things off the wall, break every pen and pencil in the house, cut up clothes, pee on furniture and everything else in the house, tear up books (not just his - everybody’s) and spit on the floor. I worry about his future if he can’t find a way to self-regulate before he’s an adult. He could find himself arrested, beat up, or even shot by the police (as a neighbor’s son was a few years ago). On top of that, I am now a single mom with limited ability to replace what he destroys. Do you have any recommendations for how to help him feel seen and help him learn to get his needs met without destroying things? He’s at a special school right now that embeds therapy into each week, but I don’t think it’s intense enough to really take root in time. I believe Dialectical Behavior Therapy might be really transformative for him, but it may be difficult to access that kind of intense approach financially. If you have any insights to offer from your own experience - what started turning you away from a pattern of physical destruction and toward other ways of managing - I have my mind open to all ideas.
You're so very welcome, and wow I empathise with you, you sound like an incredible mother 😊 I'm so sorry your son, in particular, who is struggling to understand his emotions and finding release in destruction- this is not easy for him or his family. While I understand your situation, I can only offer feedback from my point of view, and this may not entirely apply to your son, but I'll do my best. Bottom line is- he's struggling and wants to feel heard and/or seen. Having someone verbally acknowledge "I understand your feelings, I see your frustration and pain," without trying to fix it, or talk through it can be highly validating. In moments of rage, while it can be awful to watch and bear through, protect yourself, but don't try and stop him. Try and offer the validating comments as previously mentioned. Don't yell, or get louder than him, this will fuel the rage. Remind him, and I'm sure you already do, that you are committed to finding him the answers. Remind him that you love him, and fuel his mind with statements about how worthy he is, as I'm sure he struggles with feeling terrible afterwards. Above all, do things with quiet love. I'm sorry this isn't practical advice, I've never been in your position. But having a mother who was stable in her love for me, who never gave up in her pursuit for answers, allowed me to have a steady foundation when times got tough. I am only as good as I am because of my mother. Good luck to you, you're doing amazing 🫶🏻
Morning! Recently started following, so many of your videos resound. Moreover I love that you’re from NZ like me. I am 39 (since 6 days ago). I meet an unexpected cousin last year and his family (9yo girl with autism lvl 1, low needs) thought I should start to read about ASD in females And over several month I was like…. Errr…. 💡 and even my cousin was like are you sure you’re not autistic. So then I went on a further 6 month deep dive (purchased about 30 books on ASD & ASD in females - this is in a personal library of 424 books 😊). As well as watching TH-cam ASD creators… So many things just clicked into place including this recent vid on anger… Then I slowly started to slowly talk to people I trusted and their responses where “omg, I thought you knew, lived with it and didn’t talk about it”…. They talked about a variety of specific reasons from their observations… Anywho, hearing about your late diagnosis has really incited the idea and so I’m saving up for an official diagnosis. So mainly yes, thank you for coming forward as autistic kiwi female. It’s really encouraging, interesting and comforting.
Thank you for your comment, and wow how surprising this must be for you having lived so many years in the dark. Congratulations to you on doing the research and learning, you will go far and no doubt live an easier life with more answers! Just know you’ve got an online Kiwi friend in me 😀
@@elenacarr0ll the autistic internet friends & communities are so welcoming and supportive it has made a difference in feeling validated in my own journey. I look forward to seeing more of your content and your journey 😁
Wow…this video hits hard. My narc mother really pulled out the rage in me. I would sometimes get into raging screaming matches to where I would be physically voice strained. And I’ve had issues with self harm as well. And with having ADHD as well, I think part of it is a big issue with dopamine.
Don't worry about feeling embarrassed by sharing it; it really helps us to get to know this world a lot better :) Want to know a secret? Being a neurotypical, I still feel like an outsider and a bit of embarrassment along with some imposter syndrome when I ask you questions here to learn more about this world. Guilt is also a healthy experience, but doesn't necessarily get us to make better choices. I should share that I went to the hospital once because I went to the other extreme and kept my rage bottled up inside. Trust me that there are worse outcomes other than smashing objects. Anger is something that needs a good strategy to be managed in a healthy way, and not hurting people when you release it is already a large part of that :) On the note of managing anger and meltdowns in a healthy way: What should we do to help someone who is having a meltdown? (especially someone who we care about?) Our first instinct is to give hugs when people are having a tough time, but of course that can make it worse for a ND person depending on the individual. Adding in more of other stimuli could make it worse as well. Are soothing words useful? Calming noises? Music?
Usually when someone is having a meltdown they need ALL pressure of EVERY kind taken off them. That includes having to explain what’s wrong or what they need. They don’t want further input like having to listen to someone else saying stuff to them or music or anything else. They probably won’t be able to use words verbally, maybe they can write or text, so give them stuff to do that with if they want, you don’t have to ask, just provide it. Above all be kind, don’t get stroppy, and get out of their face. Make sure they can get to somewhere quiet, not brightly lit and safe where there is no one going to come along and bother them. Let them be for as long as they need, it could be 30 minutes, several hours or a couple of days in peace without the pressure of having to be social. The more of this kind of hands-off situation they can get, the quicker it will pass. When they are ready in their own time, be there without judgement to talk if they want or do something quietly and relaxed. Don’t fuss over them.
@@tracik1277 Thanks! That is pretty much what I thought. However, I wouldn't want to just abandon them, as it were. Would sitting with them silently help?
@@Taoscape As a rule we want to be left alone. The most ideal thing I can imagine for myself at least is that someone would get me or leave me somewhere safe (although I probably would be trying to do that for myself), let me know I will be in the next room/downstairs/in the garden and just leave me be until it was over. This is the problem, what we need is very often quite the opposite of what you do. Obviously this does not apply to a child, you can’t just leave them, but you can if you’re in your own home. One of the biggest pressures, if not the biggest, is having other people about. I can’t stress this enough.
@@Taoscape having someone sit silently with me would make me feel like my entire insides were going to burst out of my body. I can’t think of anything worse. You cannot imagine the horrendous pressure that causes. It creates a responsibility for the Autistic person to ‘sort themselves out as quickly as possible so that this person here doesn’t feel uncomfortable’. It’s literally the worst thing you could do.
@@tracik1277 Ok this is incredibuly helpful! I guess love and support need to be conveyed ahead of time. Is there a best way to physically guide someone to a quiet space to minimizing the stimulus?
For anybody in the comments who is autistic, can you answer me a small question. Is it possible to be a very deep thinker who over analyzes and ruminates on her social interactions and where she may have failed while she is in school and being bullied, without being autistic? Is it just something I did while I was bullied in school? I don't do it as much as an adult. At least I don't think so. I also used to have these breakdowns or meltdowns almost daily after school. Is it possible I can have autistic traits without being autistic? I don't want to throw myself in with the autistic community if I am not, as I feel it would be disrespectful and disingenuous to do so.
I’m curious what anti-depressants they tried u on, (if ur comfortable) I’m weaning off of Effexor after 7 years. The anger really resonated, my therapist suspects I have ASD I’m 19 and I never would even considered, despite some of the traits I’ve shown and being around almost exclusively ND ppl. I’m trying to find community online and not feel like an imposter .
So there are fiesty autistics, i was wondering about that since i strongly suspect i may ne autistic myself but i have not and still never have known anxiety. I have never shied away from my temper, i harnessed it and wielded it as a tool. I made friends with my demons and we are allied. I actually enjoy my temper but i keep it in check do it does not go too far, love the power it brings forth but i realise it can twist things in a bad way.
what if i am an alien that .... i never really express my anger to people. but i think i should be angry, or rather, express it sometimes, as this society is so .... undeniably stupid and evil. i keep getting weird ocnception that lots of what jesus said is autism, or rather, the bible. like, at least here i thought about "be angry, but do not sin" and like real sin, you can still run around and flip everyone in town off lol......... ok maybe going to jail for being mad at the shady stuff other people did and how nobody anywhere listens to ANYTTHING
Curious, what’s your take on borderline personality disorder and were you ever given this diagnosis? I’ve heard it’s a common misdiagnosis/comorbidity with autism.
While I was never personally given the diagnosis, from my understanding it is another hugely common misdiagnosis for people who are actually autistic. This is because the traits can appear very similar, in terms of how emotions are presented
I was misdiagnosed with BPD. I am glad that I went to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy because it helped me some. But it was also terrible because some of the mental health professionals treated me like sh** and yelled at me. There is a lot of stigma about Borderline Personality Disorder. I was glad when I was diagnosed with bipolar instead.
Been there... I never hit my daughter, I feared of being out of control. I've lived in suppression. I'm 57 years old finally getting all the answers. Adhd at 46..
Asd at 57.
My dad committed suicide at age 29. He had a neurodivergent brain and a wrong diagnosis. It breaks my heart.
Gosh, I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your dad. You have done well finding answers. Proud of you for never giving up
I joined the ASD club at 57 too. ADHD at 7 lol....So sorry about your father. I've been in that same place. It was so horrible. I didn't want to die, but I didn't know if I could continue living with so much pain and confusion. Ketamine infusion therapy fixed that problemin 2018. ASD diagnosis in 2022 put everything in perspective. It's been a hard life, but it's much better now.
The worst part of the rage, meltdowns etc happens in undiagnosed girls. Who were probably abused as well. One recently shot her mom and now she is in prison for life. You can actually hear the 14 year old girl screaming and yelling as she was shooting.
The other is being taken advantage of as in the sandman trio case.
When I tell you...having that level of rage and anger is so scary. I remember when I got sick for a solid week. I was angry at myself, my mom and all of my family members. Simply because I was sick and I couldn’t make myself better at a rate that I wanted or self isolate. That's one of my immediate triggers for rage. Being sick and people watching me be sick. I had never been so ashamed and so upset with myself about this one small silly thing. It's mainly due to how I've had to self isolate whenever I did get sick not wanting to make my mother sick and hear her blame me for it. The sh#t sucked hard.
A huge thank you for posting this. It's nice to know that you're here letting others, like me, know you're not alone❤
Oh you're so very welcome- and thank you for sharing your experience. Please remember you are not a terrible person, you are just a person struggling with terrible feeling emotions and not able to find a way to release that serves both you and others. It does get better ☀️
@elenacarr0ll 🥺🥹thank you again 🙏🏽 You just don't know how appreciated and needed you are ❤️
om All of this! I also thought i needed anger management! and have these uncontrollable moments of just feeling pure rage..I have never considered it to be a meltdown ...makes so much sense
I don't think a typical anger management course is effective for Autistic Rage.
When I was 13 I did attend one & it was atrocious. Early on the social worker was agitated by my "know it all attitude" & asked me if I'd like to lead our group therapy, so I did.
While I learned a lot about other people & social work, I got nothing new about effective anger management out of months of attendance.
Same for me. I was so ashamed of my anger. My friends called me “furious kid”. Now all makes sense. Breathing helps, also change of mindset to “it’s not my problem”. It changed with leveling up my self esteem. Even if I am angry, I can just silently tell to myself “fuck that” and take space to process. In the past I made many bad decisions based on my fury. Didn’t know until now that this is autistic trait. I am going to take an assesment - 31 y now
It’s alexithymia, which you acquire due to not picking up feelings from neurotypes with whom you cannot communicate naturally, but you are right, it gets better with age, learning theory of mind and empathy.
Definitely describes my anger. I had a counselor if I felt it build up but I didnt, it just went from 1-10 quickly.
Trouble is when you're large enough and classical masculine and good enough at masking. You suddenly lose license to have anger and you become a threat instead of a person most people's eyes and it doesn't matter. To yourself and others it feels like once you control is gone so is your humanity. Some days this stuff is hard man.
or a POC
@@flyygurl18 I'm afraid ASD is not required to be dehumanized as a person of color.
@@ryanfitzgerald9833 so sad 😢 🤲🏾
I have that rage- I’ve broken so many things and sometimes when throwing things have hurt others- well hurt one other and it was my Mom. What I threw flew and hit her. She started crying and then I flash stopped. Everything inside me turned sick. I looked at where she was holding at the deep red welt that would definitely turn to a bruise. I wept. I apologized over and over. I picked up the pieces of what I broke and kept asking if she was okay or wanted me to leave.
Mom hugged me. She told me it hurt, but knew I didn’t throw it at her. But she asked if I was willing to go get help. I said I was. That I hurt her and that’s not good.
I’m in a lot better place now. I still get angry, but the outbursts don’t turn physical. I still have such deep shame there and a huge sense of gratitude for the love my Mom has for me. She does so much to help me succeed and I often try to do it without her feeling like as an adult myself now… she does too much for me. She won’t have it tho. She says I’m her little girl no matter what and she will help me cause she’s my Mom. So I just do my best to help her. I’m glad I have such a good relationship with my Parent. She has a heart of gold.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and sharing your journey. This inspired me to hop back on the healing wagon
YOU GOT THISSS
One therapist said I had bi-polar tendencies (and diagnosed with depression and ADHD), on account of the anger I displayed at home before I discovered Autism many years after my marriage fell apart.
It has been & continues to be a common misdiagnosis; bipolar.
The medications make it worse.
@@joiemonster4922same here, I took almost all medications out there for bipolar and it just made everything worse, now i might be diabetic. i wish i was diagnosed sooner.
In my case my autism was hidden behind my mental illnesses. So all my autism symptoms were taken as mental health symptoms.
A man at the bus stop spit on me and I blacked out and started whacking him with shopping bags. He wasn't hurt but I got really scared of what I was capable of. That was in 1999. That is the last time I hit anyone. I have since had two incidents of breaking things. One in the Emergency Room in 2009 and one in the psych hospital this year (I smashed a chair). I am pretty good at regulating myself normally but it is harder in the hospital.
I mean I still have meltdowns where I cry or yell or both but it is extremely rare that they will be physical.
@@Catlily5 do you have any advice for getting psychologist/psychiatrist to be willing to do an autism assessment when there’s already diagnosis of mental health conditions? I’ve been trying to pursue that to my younger brother he’s going to be 12 next week but the doctors and his teachers have been unwilling to consider something like autism and instead of focusing only on medication for his psychiatric conditions
@@asecretcourtofcrowsandcloc4084 I used a stimulus check that I got during Covid to pay for my autism assessment. So that way I bypassed all the other doctors who I thought might not believe me or refer me.
@@asecretcourtofcrowsandcloc4084I paid for my assessment with a stimulus check from the government. That way I bypassed doctors who might not have believed me. Also, I am in the USA. It also might depend on which country you are in.
I wonder if you write notes of details of what you observe in your brother that sound like autism to you? Including stats from late diagnosed adults who had been diagnosed or misdiagnosed with orger mental health disorders , and so treatment for the mental health was less or ineffective because of the autism being ignored or unknown…? (and the damage of being put on medication’s that are inappropriate or just unnecessary because it’s a different issue entirely ) I mean it’s work for you but maybe? does he do better in quiet spaces? Where are his more content places? If he’s autistic, then school might really really really suck because of the over stimulation… good luck!! Persist!! I’m so glad he has you advocating for him💗@@asecretcourtofcrowsandcloc4084
So my experience is a little different.
I barely masked outside of my home and masked a lot in my home. I never questioned adults in and out of home, always took in everything they would do to me (except my grandfather, he was the worst, but regardless of my complaints, he never changed). With my peers tho... I never masked a lot. I was reactive, violent, screaming at them from the top of my lungs, sometimes I tried to just insert myself into a conversation (like I wasn't looking for a moment to blend in with a conversation or consider if they liked me or not, I wanted to talk - I would go for it. Of course it would end up in people not liking me even more). I was a meanace to society. But at home I was a lot more quieter and calmer. I tried not to make much noise and behave a lot more, even though sometimes I would slip.
I think the reason I masked at home rather than outside is because 1) I care about my family the most and this is where my priority lies. I accepted the fact that I was "weird" for everyone else and that I was a "bad person", so I didn't bother to mask outside, and 2) my household wasn't the safest enviroment. My father left, mom got depressed, grandfather was violent himself (I would go into details why, but that would be trauma dumping. Let's say he wasn't typically violent like beating me up or beating with a belt, but it was still traumatic), nobody supported me or said anything nice when I was bullied and so much more. Since very young age I felt like I shouldn't report on horrible stull adults did to me (my teacher and grandfather) or my actions would cause our family to fall apart. That was my fear number 1 growing up, so I masked.
Now, when I experience autistic burnout, after a surgery and still needing to survive, I discover more and more about myself and I do not hold back a lot of times. It actually feels so great to stop giving a shit and do what I need to feel better.
Get accused of anger all the time... tell them I am not angry I am just frustrated.. get told that clearly I am actually angry and I need to calm down... tell them no I am frustrated its different... get told that if I don't calm my anger down there are going to be repercussions... Now... I am starting to feel extremely frustrated and starting to get angry that they are not listening to me and instead trying to suppress my autonomy
Would love a vid about more internal experieces of autism. Internal stimming... Internal meltdowns/shutdowns. I have had a few external meltdowns and have a well regulated fight response (from years of fawning to survive).. but the internal stuff would be helpful to know more about.
I identify with struggling with others, and feeling like i need alone time to recover and reregulate. Also feeling very frustrated and angry with others without the skills to manage during rhe interaction, so i end up just holding it all in.
I’m with you on this one. A lot of my experiences I internalize and it creates such chaos in my body and mind instead of seeping or exploding out of me in outbursts or meltdowns. Sometimes I get tempted that it means that I’m not able to relate to the autistic experience, but then I remember it’s the internal experience that has been misunderstood for so long anyways. So these internal experiences are so valid too and I would love to see more discussions about this too!!
I cried after watching this video.
Until listening to your words and hearing about your experience with anger Elena, i had been feeling SO alone and confused.
I live with other people (and am not diagnosed with Autism or etc) and let's just say that my own anger has caused quite the tension in the home over this year so far.
I absolutely thank you for your encouraging words and for being here for us Elena.
I am most definitely in the thick of my anger + anxiety and depression too.
The past 2 years have been so tough and it hasn't been getting any better but hopefully educating myself more and finding relatability in others will be helpful, even if i can't see it yet. ♡♡♡
It is your comment that is the reason I am so honest- thank you 💜
Thank you so much for sharing this. My younger brother is turning 12 next week and over the past year has developed several behaviors, thought patterns, and emotional responses that have made it very difficult for him to function successfully in school and at home. One of these is him becoming highly angry very quickly over small too little to no cause and a times this leads not just yelling but also him doing things/becoming violent with objects etc. etc. He’s received a few mental health diagnosis from a psychiatrist evaluation but he was not assessed for autism and in fact the summary report that the psychiatrist wrote for the district stated that they did not consider what are some in his case because of the fact that mom has not reported yes to answering any of the questions about his early childhood that would’ve indicated what are some symptoms. This was all to me because I knew that there were plenty of instances when it was not diagnosed until later on in life. Put in mention that if they ask both if you have any suggestions on how to get professionals to consider doing an autism assessment, and what if any advice you might have regarding questions I could ask him about what he’s thinking/feeling during his outburst to try to figure out whether they might in fact be autism related anger/meltdowns, or something else.
Thanks, I can relate to this very closely.
You're proud of me? I'm proud of you! You're so awesome.
And congrats on the arm implant. Did that issue with it being painful ever get resolved? I of course want you to be able to enjoy life.
I learn from your videos. Thank you for them.
Bless you and best wishes.
Jeezus, every time I wonder whether your videos will continue to resonate, you come out with another truth bomb. When I was your age, I kept all my anger and sadness inside and turned it inward, which totally quashed my self-esteem. I’m still struggling with my ability to emotionally regulate, so as to avoid wallowing in shame (which totally derails my productivity) or erupting at my family when I feel overwhelmed.
I am also trying to help my kids manage their emotions. They are boy-girl twins, about to turn 14 this month, and they are both on the spectrum. My daughter was like you when she was between about 2-6 years old, but she switched to being extremely stoic after that and rarely shows emotions. She’s an extremely bright and verbal kid and holding it together in a mainstream school setting, but I worry that she’s holding too much inside.
My son is exactly as you describe yourself. Instead of holding this in, he acts out. It began in 3rd grade when his needs were not being met during the pandemic (also coinciding with his other parent - my partner of 25 years - leaving me), and it got really bad from there. He would rip things off the wall, break every pen and pencil in the house, cut up clothes, pee on furniture and everything else in the house, tear up books (not just his - everybody’s) and spit on the floor. I worry about his future if he can’t find a way to self-regulate before he’s an adult. He could find himself arrested, beat up, or even shot by the police (as a neighbor’s son was a few years ago). On top of that, I am now a single mom with limited ability to replace what he destroys. Do you have any recommendations for how to help him feel seen and help him learn to get his needs met without destroying things? He’s at a special school right now that embeds therapy into each week, but I don’t think it’s intense enough to really take root in time. I believe Dialectical Behavior Therapy might be really transformative for him, but it may be difficult to access that kind of intense approach financially. If you have any insights to offer from your own experience - what started turning you away from a pattern of physical destruction and toward other ways of managing - I have my mind open to all ideas.
You're so very welcome, and wow I empathise with you, you sound like an incredible mother 😊 I'm so sorry your son, in particular, who is struggling to understand his emotions and finding release in destruction- this is not easy for him or his family. While I understand your situation, I can only offer feedback from my point of view, and this may not entirely apply to your son, but I'll do my best.
Bottom line is- he's struggling and wants to feel heard and/or seen. Having someone verbally acknowledge "I understand your feelings, I see your frustration and pain," without trying to fix it, or talk through it can be highly validating. In moments of rage, while it can be awful to watch and bear through, protect yourself, but don't try and stop him. Try and offer the validating comments as previously mentioned. Don't yell, or get louder than him, this will fuel the rage. Remind him, and I'm sure you already do, that you are committed to finding him the answers. Remind him that you love him, and fuel his mind with statements about how worthy he is, as I'm sure he struggles with feeling terrible afterwards. Above all, do things with quiet love. I'm sorry this isn't practical advice, I've never been in your position. But having a mother who was stable in her love for me, who never gave up in her pursuit for answers, allowed me to have a steady foundation when times got tough. I am only as good as I am because of my mother. Good luck to you, you're doing amazing 🫶🏻
Morning! Recently started following, so many of your videos resound. Moreover I love that you’re from NZ like me. I am 39 (since 6 days ago).
I meet an unexpected cousin last year and his family (9yo girl with autism lvl 1, low needs) thought I should start to read about ASD in females And over several month I was like…. Errr…. 💡 and even my cousin was like are you sure you’re not autistic.
So then I went on a further 6 month deep dive (purchased about 30 books on ASD & ASD in females - this is in a personal library of 424 books 😊). As well as watching TH-cam ASD creators… So many things just clicked into place including this recent vid on anger…
Then I slowly started to slowly talk to people I trusted and their responses where “omg, I thought you knew, lived with it and didn’t talk about it”…. They talked about a variety of specific reasons from their observations…
Anywho, hearing about your late diagnosis has really incited the idea and so I’m saving up for an official diagnosis.
So mainly yes, thank you for coming forward as autistic kiwi female. It’s really encouraging, interesting and comforting.
Thank you for your comment, and wow how surprising this must be for you having lived so many years in the dark. Congratulations to you on doing the research and learning, you will go far and no doubt live an easier life with more answers! Just know you’ve got an online Kiwi friend in me 😀
@@elenacarr0ll the autistic internet friends & communities are so welcoming and supportive it has made a difference in feeling validated in my own journey. I look forward to seeing more of your content and your journey 😁
Everything makes sense, thank you.
Wow…this video hits hard. My narc mother really pulled out the rage in me. I would sometimes get into raging screaming matches to where I would be physically voice strained. And I’ve had issues with self harm as well. And with having ADHD as well, I think part of it is a big issue with dopamine.
I learn a lot from your videos keep making them and your smile is great
i relate to not being able to control my anger i dont know how to get control or stop it
Great video. Thx for sharing this.
Don't worry about feeling embarrassed by sharing it; it really helps us to get to know this world a lot better :) Want to know a secret? Being a neurotypical, I still feel like an outsider and a bit of embarrassment along with some imposter syndrome when I ask you questions here to learn more about this world.
Guilt is also a healthy experience, but doesn't necessarily get us to make better choices. I should share that I went to the hospital once because I went to the other extreme and kept my rage bottled up inside. Trust me that there are worse outcomes other than smashing objects. Anger is something that needs a good strategy to be managed in a healthy way, and not hurting people when you release it is already a large part of that :)
On the note of managing anger and meltdowns in a healthy way: What should we do to help someone who is having a meltdown? (especially someone who we care about?)
Our first instinct is to give hugs when people are having a tough time, but of course that can make it worse for a ND person depending on the individual. Adding in more of other stimuli could make it worse as well. Are soothing words useful? Calming noises? Music?
Usually when someone is having a meltdown they need ALL pressure of EVERY kind taken off them. That includes having to explain what’s wrong or what they need. They don’t want further input like having to listen to someone else saying stuff to them or music or anything else. They probably won’t be able to use words verbally, maybe they can write or text, so give them stuff to do that with if they want, you don’t have to ask, just provide it. Above all be kind, don’t get stroppy, and get out of their face. Make sure they can get to somewhere quiet, not brightly lit and safe where there is no one going to come along and bother them. Let them be for as long as they need, it could be 30 minutes, several hours or a couple of days in peace without the pressure of having to be social. The more of this kind of hands-off situation they can get, the quicker it will pass. When they are ready in their own time, be there without judgement to talk if they want or do something quietly and relaxed. Don’t fuss over them.
@@tracik1277 Thanks! That is pretty much what I thought. However, I wouldn't want to just abandon them, as it were. Would sitting with them silently help?
@@Taoscape As a rule we want to be left alone. The most ideal thing I can imagine for myself at least is that someone would get me or leave me somewhere safe (although I probably would be trying to do that for myself), let me know I will be in the next room/downstairs/in the garden and just leave me be until it was over. This is the problem, what we need is very often quite the opposite of what you do.
Obviously this does not apply to a child, you can’t just leave them, but you can if you’re in your own home.
One of the biggest pressures, if not the biggest, is having other people about. I can’t stress this enough.
@@Taoscape having someone sit silently with me would make me feel like my entire insides were going to burst out of my body. I can’t think of anything worse. You cannot imagine the horrendous pressure that causes. It creates a responsibility for the Autistic person to ‘sort themselves out as quickly as possible so that this person here doesn’t feel uncomfortable’. It’s literally the worst thing you could do.
@@tracik1277 Ok this is incredibuly helpful! I guess love and support need to be conveyed ahead of time. Is there a best way to physically guide someone to a quiet space to minimizing the stimulus?
For anybody in the comments who is autistic, can you answer me a small question. Is it possible to be a very deep thinker who over analyzes and ruminates on her social interactions and where she may have failed while she is in school and being bullied, without being autistic? Is it just something I did while I was bullied in school? I don't do it as much as an adult. At least I don't think so. I also used to have these breakdowns or meltdowns almost daily after school. Is it possible I can have autistic traits without being autistic? I don't want to throw myself in with the autistic community if I am not, as I feel it would be disrespectful and disingenuous to do so.
Thanks.
I’m curious what anti-depressants they tried u on, (if ur comfortable) I’m weaning off of Effexor after 7 years. The anger really resonated, my therapist suspects I have ASD I’m 19 and I never would even considered, despite some of the traits I’ve shown and being around almost exclusively ND ppl. I’m trying to find community online and not feel like an imposter .
So there are fiesty autistics, i was wondering about that since i strongly suspect i may ne autistic myself but i have not and still never have known anxiety. I have never shied away from my temper, i harnessed it and wielded it as a tool. I made friends with my demons and we are allied. I actually enjoy my temper but i keep it in check do it does not go too far, love the power it brings forth but i realise it can twist things in a bad way.
One thing I find REDICUKOUSLY odd is having to mask or whatever you call it when I am WATCHING videos.....
what rod?
💖
what if i am an alien that .... i never really express my anger to people. but i think i should be angry, or rather, express it sometimes, as this society is so .... undeniably stupid and evil. i keep getting weird ocnception that lots of what jesus said is autism, or rather, the bible. like, at least here i thought about "be angry, but do not sin" and like real sin, you can still run around and flip everyone in town off lol......... ok maybe going to jail for being mad at the shady stuff other people did and how nobody anywhere listens to ANYTTHING
Curious, what’s your take on borderline personality disorder and were you ever given this diagnosis? I’ve heard it’s a common misdiagnosis/comorbidity with autism.
While I was never personally given the diagnosis, from my understanding it is another hugely common misdiagnosis for people who are actually autistic. This is because the traits can appear very similar, in terms of how emotions are presented
I was misdiagnosed with BPD. I am glad that I went to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy because it helped me some. But it was also terrible because some of the mental health professionals treated me like sh** and yelled at me. There is a lot of stigma about Borderline Personality Disorder.
I was glad when I was diagnosed with bipolar instead.
Did you ever think you had BPD?
Not until recently actually- I don’t think I do- but was surprised I didn’t get diagnosed with it
Did you ever think you had BPD?