A big issue I have is that when I try expressing what's troubling me, if I feel like the person is dismissing me, ot just fills up my bucket all ober, and makes me lash out at them. While I do feel I "explode" in those cases, I also feel super drained and really bad for having done so, so it still results in me getting hurt, just with hurting others as a freebie
I relate heavily with this, Ill lash out to my family after burning out and feel incredibly guilty right after because its not their fault my brain is not wired properly
Happens to me all the time so I became gradually more reclusive as I got older, I try to precisely express how I feel, what upsets me, and I feel I'm dismissed so I become very resentful towards the people around me.
My husband would tell you this can happen with us! I'm NT, he's ND. My helpful advise is to work on adding validation to your communication with the other person, For example: "I can see this is important to you, so it is important to me that I let you discuss it with me, Your feelings are valid/understandable. I do care! HOWEVER I am too stressed right now to give you my full attention/ best responses, I need a time out" The other important point is to arrange when to revisit it when you predict being calmer. For example: "If I've decompressed by tonight/tomorrow I'd like us to talk about it then"
With me, the question is-- "Why do SO MANY things bother me SO MUCH?". I still don't know if I have autism, I went through life being treated for depression and anxiety. When I was a kid I would try to express the things that were bothering me, only to be told that I "was being ridiculous". Like, everybody else can put up with these things, you need to learn to just live with it. Learning in my old age that autistic people can have meltdowns due to sensory input really resonated with me. Now a lot of the episodes in my life that I put down to Bipolar Disorder, I wonder if it was just overwhelming sensory triggering that I didn't know how to control. I have retreated to my house and my cats (thanks, Covid), and now the only thing that gets me is if the house has a maintenance crisis, or the cat puked AGAIN.
I had been diagnosed as bipolar type II twenty years ago. It turns out that this is a common misdiagnosis for ADHD with Asperger's, which I'm finding out now is my correct diagnosis.
i’ve been diagnosed with so much crap.. i’m adhd/asd getting the right meds now and allowing myself to unmask and be honest if i’m not in the mood instead of overloading myself
I used to and still get that a lot too. Even though I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD, they’re still not the whole picture and I think that every sensory communication thing that can’t be explained by those 2 things, are a result of undiagnosed autism.
@@mariecait I did that recently and it felt amazing. Though when I let out whispered thoughts to empty my bucket when walking outside with my boyfriend, some of them that he hears he calls me out on for being too rude. I also recently used a racial descriptor to describe, as an adjective, a person we once passed by on the sidewalk that I thought was really pretty. I said she was the prettiest black person I had ever passed by in the city. He said I was being rascist and I had to spend a fucking hour explaining myself while he kept calling it racist. So now we can’t use descriptors to talk about people that have been oppressed by others? That’s fucking ridiculous. They started out as adjectives before all the issues with it and now I can’t even use it in a compliment. I can’t vent about it on Twitter because the last time I did about a different socialized adjective people fought with me and called me wrong. Sorry about all the venting. Had to get this out.
Being invited to the pub to a workmate's leaving do (about 12 people) and me thinking they are being friendly. I get there, they're all sitting around the table, drinks ordered, then they all disappear into other areas of the pub. I'm left sitting on my own, in a busy pub on a Friday night 8 months pregnant with a glass of orange juice in front of me. I left the pub in silent tears whispering to my unborn child "It's okay, Mummy made a mistake" blaming myself for somehow getting it wrong. Later, I realised I wasn't supposed to go, I was only invited so they wouldn't look mean by excluding me, Still hurts.
@@taraswertelecki3786they’re just people with different brains than yours……. Correct? If you’re not a giant asshole on purpose then maybe they aren’t either
I've been so full of shame over my outburst of rage. It makes me feel like a child, that I'm no more mature closing in on 40 than when i was at 20. Thank you for the video, love you dorks, nerds, and weirdos.
I finally feel like I found someone who understands EXACTLY what I go through on a daily basis. I thought I was going insane. Awareness is the first step. Thank you so much
My mother always tried to paint the picture that I’m “explosive” and have anger issues when she would always say the cruelest things to me when she is angry and taunt me with it. For example she would say “If I knew I was going to have an autistic kid, I would have never had you , fckng cretin” and then she would always go on and taunt me “ bonkers autist 🤪, bonkers autist” Iwhilst aggressively punching her own forehead. She would go on and on and on , I’d still hear if I’d go to another room. I’d scream at her to stop to please stop but she never did , it caused me immense anxiety and panic attacks and later on I did start cursing back at her. After doing that I was just painted as a difficult brat and my mother as a saint.
@ Noof... My wife's mother was that way... very cruel and hateful...my wife struggles with that to this day... even though she's been gone for years...
Some of us have awful parents. I feel for you. I find myself more prone to not be so easily offended understanding way people might explode now. Sounds like you more was exploding on you for exploding?
@Noof, you didn't deserve that, and she shouldn't have treated you that way. I notice you've used all past tense verbs, so I hope this was all in the past and you have far better voices in your life now.
I use to explode more as a child and teen, but grew into pretty much an imploding kind of person. I really like the metaphor of the grenade you used, because it feels just like that: you do what you can to spare other's feelings and then that resentment just builds up. Overall a really good video. 100/10
One of my biggest flaws is that I don’t empty my bucket regularly. Unrealistic parental expectations and always ‘being put down’ contributed to my anger bucket exploding.
This is a huge one for me. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I'm just realizing that I may have aspergers. I have always never really been able to translate my feelings to words and the most I listen to people on TH-cam describe what they go through, I'm beginning to realizing that I'm on the spectrum.
I feel like a character in a video game where you have those energy bars at the top or bottom of the screen. It’s glows a bright healthy green when your energy bar is full (probably only NT experience this) and fades and fades as you go through the day until it is a pulsating red threat, you need to replenish! Here’s the rub, there’s another bar. The coins collected bar. The bar that allows you to advance in the game. If you take replenishment time you lose coins!! This is very detrimental to your advancement in the game. The energy bar alone won’t help you to complete the level!
@@MsDamosmum might be easier to stay at level 2 or so, were the things to do and the energy we have and the way of live we can handle and enjoy , all is manageable, than to strive and struggle for level 8,9,10... were we always have to be overstressed , unhappy and still never good enough. For what? Who says, that level 10 is a better place to be ? Those who think so can go there. And leave more space and calm on levels,1,2,3 for people who are fine with it.
@@lovepeace2373 Thank you for your response however the coins bar is representative of ‘having’ to earn a living. You have to earn a living right? Down time is required but costly so you find yourself stuck in the difficult task of trying to sustain the essential coins while not depleting the energy bar to the point of ‘game over’. There are plenty of times I seem to have arrived at ‘game over’ and have to restart the same level again and again. Monotonous to say the least.
6:10 "(..) it's not always easy to notice our own stress (...), especially if we're living with a significant amount of background anxiety." This line seems so obvious when you say it, yet i'd not realised. Thank you for pointing this out.
as an autistic person I find that once people find out they treat me like a danger as well as gaslighting me into certain reactions to justify my treatment. another one was the mother of my child telling me I'm victimising myself by stating I'm autistic even though I was trying to communicate the difficulties I have that I can't seem to understand fully but know damn well there's a problem. I don't receive help in this world, I'm too smart and efficient for anyone to help. I'm often seen as intimidating. not physically, intellectually.
I strongly identify with your feeling that nobody can help you. I’m so good at solving my own problems that when it comes to something I can’t solve, nobody else can either. And everything they say I’ve already thought of and it’s really frustrating
Oh wow! This is exactly how I feel. I always feel the medical stuff knows way less than me about my illness. I found solutions to so manny problems I could give advice to a lot of people but I don't have anyone to give me a good advice, only superficial things.
Good questions. As I struggle to come to terms with both ASD and CPTSD, emotional regulations is extremely difficult to manage. It causes great difficulties in establishing and maintaining relationships. The tension and rage that builds up inside me I try to mask or suppress but internalizing anger wreaks havoc internally. Expressing rage outwardly doesn't serve well either. displays of anger rarely aids in making friends.
I too have ASD and CPTSD. I like to lift weights and let all my anger out that way. I do it at home in my own private space so no one else is effected. I workout with aggressive music to help me release any frustration or anger I'm feeling and for me the endorphin rush after exercise leaves me calm and collected. I also meditate daily to ensure that any negative thoughts I have can't get a hold of me. Talking with a professional can help too. You need to express yourself, it just needs to be done in a healthy manner and in a safe space.
I have same thing been diagnosed CPTSD and score 30 on AQ. Unfortunately my gf of 14 yrs experiences most of my meltdowns (in one now) and she tries to comfort me and help but my internal implosions become external explosions of uncontrollable emotion. I just worry it's got worse as ive got older and i will end up cutting everyone out of my life even my gf who ive been with since 16. It hurts and makes me fantasise about death but i know anything i do had impacts on others through own experience of my mum taking her life when i was a young boy. Sorry to rant
@@mrsolodolo5770 I think it does get worse as we get older because it's progressive when it's unresolved. Be careful not to alienate your girlfriend, the great empty void of loneliness is very difficult to live with. ASD has it's challenges but my ASD days are my good days. CPTSD is the agony that wont let go. In my opinion, just my opinion, ASD+CPTSD results in traits bearing a striking resemblance to BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. I personally am trying to manage my CPTSD through the lens of BPD. Many of the tools that aid in BPD seem applicable to managing CPTSD. In any case, daily practices are essential in healing. Your mother taking her own life may be an indication you and her struggle with some of the same condition. My mother took her life in her later years and looking back it seems obvious to me now what she struggled with. It's serious, very serious. Your girlfriend trying to comfort you may illicit childhood responses of inconsolability and disorganized attachment. ASD+CPTSD act together to tie you in knots. The only escape I find is to get outside myself when feelings of inconsolable emptiness get hold of me. If you have someone that's trying to help, don't alienate them. It's not their fault, they don't know what you need. The ASD in you might need some space to work out the extreme feelings. Let her know gently and try to explain it isn't her. I've avoided drugs and chosen diet, exercise and mindfulness as the path to remission. There's more to it than that, obviously, but that's the foundation I work by. It takes time and discipline. Yes, there can be times of remission when the bright side of ASD is the reward for all the effort. Hang in there.
@@jonmars9559 Thank you for your response. It is helpful to hear from someone with similar experiences. I too prefer the approach of diet and mindfullness, although my family pursuaded me to use drugs and therapy of many kinds, it hasn't worked. I will continue but I just dispair at the thought of my future. Thanks again
@@curucach5366 it’s interesting that you say you didn’t lift weights in the gym, is there a reason for that? I have a friend who is in a similar situation and refuses to go to the gym, but I’ve tried to encourage him to do some type of weight lifting
This has really been the story of my life. I'm 69 years of age and i still have trouble sensing when im ready to explode until it's too late. It doesn't happen as often but it still does.
I'm 62, diagnosed just last year. Fully understand the 'story of my life' thing. So many lost years. At least we now understand causation and how to manage frustration-aggression-exploding or imploding. It may still happen occasionally but, for me, knowing why at least makes it bearable and/or easier to forgive. It's been an exhausting life! At least I can make some sense of it now:)
@@autodogdact3313 Hardly anyone knew, at least when I was young. And then it was seen as an issue mainly with boys/men and not for girls/women. Thankfully, that has changed. Day to day life remains challenging, however ..........
I went to a lecture the other day and afterwards struggled to introduce myself to any of the speakers at the networking event, I felt so frustrated that I couldn’t socialise properly and felt like I didn’t belong
My biggest bucket-filler is the feeling of being trapped. I hate feeling unable to change a situation. I've just moved from a small flat in a busy urban area to a remote farmhouse, and that's helped me a lot with finding peace and quiet, obviously - but before I managed to organise the move I had a new neighbour upstairs for a couple of months who hardly ever seemed to sleep and made constant noises. I ended up flying into a rage and shouting and banging on the ceiling - I couldn't control my anger at all, and I think it was because I felt there was no way to take myself out of the situation.
I really hope you're enjoying the peace and quiet and feeling of space in your new place. I have lived in flats too, had issues with noise from neighbours in both and know how it makes you feel. For people with ASD, sensory issues with noise doesn't make living in flats ideal. I still live in the city as I need everything on hand, but in a townhouse in a fairly quiet area with one adjoining neighbour who is away most of the time..yay! I've always managed to escape feeling trapped whether that's been through planning or just walking out. I've always had a thing about escaping. I feel very sorry for people who can't get out of a situation and how stressful that must be for them.
@@helenayamez Thank you! I'm happy for you that you found a place to live that works for you. Yes, it was extremely stressful for me (I'm undiagnosed but suspect I might be "mildly" ASD). The only noise I get here has been the occasional rat in the walls! I guess that would be a problem for some, but I prefer it to people-noise. I can't attribute animal sounds to malice, and somehow that helps a lot.
I’m dealing with this currently in my house. About 8 months ago some incredibly obnoxious people with a giant bass subwoofer moved in to my neighborhood and my life has just been an unimaginable nightmare ever since. They aren’t the only problem but not being able to control my environment makes me crazy. After less than two weeks of living near them I found myself standing on my porch at 8am screaming at the top of my lungs for all to see. I’ve been having shoulder problems for a year now. During another explosion shortly after they moved in I punched my back door over and over again and my shoulder is still messed up now. I tried to sell my house and no one is buying it. I’m trapped in a miserable existence of unending pain for 8 months now. I’m so jealous of your house in the country.
@@Nik.No.K I'm so sorry to hear that :( Your experience is the sort of thing I always think of when people say "it's greener if we all live in cities." I'd be OK with living in a city if it were possible to hear absolute SILENCE whenever I wanted to. That, of course, would mean incredibly expensive sound proofing on all the housing. I do sometimes think that some of the people talking about city living are just not aware of the level of torture some of us go through due to unwanted noise. I was tempted to say to you "don't be too jealous of my house in the country, it's a constant nightmare maintaining it" - but I'm fully aware you would probably welcome that challenge in exchange for the peace. I wish I could help, and I hope you manage to escape soon.
I'm definitely an imploder. I don't get angry so often anymore, once I realized I needed to take responsibility for my own feelings, acknowledging that no one can force me to feel any way, that I have a choice in how I react/feel, that if someone or something is upsetting me, it's my choice to walk away from it. If i chose to stay in it, who am I to complain then? Since about three years, i have felt far more relaxed/zen.
I totally empathise with anger issues, I have been known to take it on various objects in the house. Now, I am trying to do the following, knowing running is my mehod to empty my bucket, I go on regular runs so that my bucket remains quite manageable. What it means is that as soon as something triggers me, the bucket does not overflow. We all need to find what works for each one of us.
Sounds familiar. Back when I was a teenager, I found myself in a lot of arguments with my dad. Once, when my anger built to explosion level, I wanted to give him a hard kick. Instead, I turned around, and gave the door behind me that kick! I was so surprised when my foot went right Through the door! My foot had landed where there was an especially thin decorative panel set into the door as into a frame. My kick broke the panel. I had never noticed the door was not all one piece. I forgot my anger in finding the structure of the door wasn't what I thought. I was proud of myself at the time that I chose hurting property over person. My toe did hurt, but thanks to how easily the panel broke, it wasn't injured by venting that way. I had to help put the door back together. It never looked right again, but was functional.
As a mother of a child on the spectrum I searched this topic to better understand and empathize. I get very angry and explode and then feel horrible. I think I myself have an undiagnosed autism or sensory disorder. I’m happy to have found you because you’ve helped me better understand myself so that I can improve my own coping skills. It’s not easy
Not feeling heard is a hot button issue for Asperger's individuals, and I think this is why: Aspies process more information at a faster pace than most neurotypicals. That means that the Aspie is usually several steps ahead of the neurotypical when discussing a problem or issue. As a result, what the Aspie is saying makes no sense to the beurotypicall. They're "not there" yet. Sometimes just letting what you've said percolate in the background will cause the neurotypical to stop mid-sentence later on and say, "Wait-were you saying ? Now I see what you meant."
I wonder if that's more the ADHD that seems to often go along with Asperger's. I have ADHD, and I definitely feel the agony of trying to slow down so that people keep up, or knowing at the beginning of the conversation what they're going to say, but desperately trying to keep from interrupting so that I'm not rude. (not saying I'm smarter than them, as often I miss those small details that can be so important) My husband has (I think) Asperger's, and he's very much a slow processor in almost everything except the things that he's an expert in. He often takes a while for things to sink in. (Again, I'm not saying he's not intelligent, actually he's way smarter than I am, but he's slow.)
Fast internal processing and being a few steps ahead of everyone else who isn't "there" yet... Yes, I've often felt this. And yet, when someone says something, I get a mental processing delay. It will take a moment between hearing it, understanding what was said, and then responding appropriately. For example today: I went somewhere for a specific purpose. The person who attended to my visit said we'll go to Room Four. My mind had to internally repeat Room Four, I said Room Four aloud to acknowledge that i heard the instruction during the processing delay, and then I noticed the large signs bearing enormously printed numbers over the doors, and I needed to recognize which one matched the spoken word Four. I could feel the weight of this mental processing delay, which is why I repeated the instruction aloud.
And whenever this issue becomes transparent (not by me stating that I am "further ahead") but usually by answering to quickly and people see that I predicted their point. They get angry and defensive and instantly switch the topic to a matter of me seeing myself as superior somehow.
Personally I don’t feel unheard or that my brain processes things faster. I think my brain is more slow however I process all of the information at once so I can see a bigger picture and it allows to be more logical. However I’m so logical and smart it makes me feel like everyone else is stupid, which is the main cause of my anger.
it took me a long time to realise a key component to managing relationships is to adress stressors that are likely to cause bigger problems down the line as soon as I identify them, and my needs are just as important as the other persons needs. in early life i assumed I could be responsible for the relationship by simply maximising pleasure for the other person, but i learned it's a very unfair way of treating the relationship and myself. I always ask people who know me to be clear about what they need and if there are any misunderstandings as soon as possible, and i promise to do the same. these days I aim for mutual understanding of differences rather than maximising the other persons pleasure.
Imploding is how I end up crying at work, and people don't understand, "oh, you don't have to cry" and "we all feel like this" when "yes I do" and "no, you really don't" are the real answers. I try to warn people when I'm reaching a limit, often about talking about "chaos, this is all chaos" in the work place - I work in the back room of a retail establishment, with my BA in Music Theory & Composition and Russian Language, and my words are becoming more and more limited. And crying is more open and aware of my surroundings than shutting down, withdrawing, and practically disassociating.
I live with my sister and we are both autistic. We have a lot of issues when we try to talk to each other about grievances. It often ends in shouting matches with sometimes objects being destroyed or tears of rage because we apparently push each other's buttons until we both explode. I think a lot of this comes from the fact that there are remnants of the siblings "hierarchy" between older/younger sisters. Also a big part of this I think comes from lingering hurts and insecurities from being raised with abuse in our family. I found out that if there is no lingering injustice (like a task she pushed back weeks or months like a pile of trash bags she didn't evacuate or dirty dishes she didn't do, which causes me severe anxiety and is the most common topic of our fights), I can usually calm down if she stops interacting with me and goes away. Simply saying "I can't deal with what you're saying right now, please stop overwhelming/triggering me now because I will surely explode" is not a solution for us. It was very hard to make her understand that that was NOT an excuse for me to "win" the fight or avoiding it, just to avoid burning myself so hot I start to destroy things instead of hurting her. The issue is, she is very lazy (though I know most of it is because of anxiety and executive function disorder, like me). I do try to remind her as little as possible that I need her to do the task, because it gives her more anxiety and makes her even less likely to do the task. Which, in turn, both angers me that I still have to remind her to do her chores (we're both around 30), and stresses me out A LOT until she finally does the task. It's a vicious circle :/
Would it be possible for you to pay somebody to help you in the house once a week or so? Just to keep the peace between you? A messy house triggers many people.
I’m 51, been with my husband for 10 years, and just had the worst meltdown of our relationship. The good thing is that he saw me and helped identify the probability that I am undiagnosed autistic. The relief of an answer for why I am me is amazing and your videos are immensely helpful to my transition of realization of my condition. Life has been so lonely until now. Thank you for sharing and helping others. You are appreciated.
That's really interesting because over the last few years my anger and sudden explosions have died down to almost nothing. I thought it was just because of growing more mellow in my old age, lol, but I see now that it's because of having learnt to have a voice and being able to use it, whereas before I didn't have the words to express myself verbally. It's made a huge difference! :)
Well, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I am full of anxiety, frustration, anger today. As always, you're very interesting and helpful. I have meltdowns and shutdowns when I get sensory overloaded. But when I feel very bad, with an incredibly amount of full trucks, I never explode. I implode, sometimes having depersonalization and derealization, or wanting to hurt myself. I am in therapy with a psychologist specialist in ASD, she helps a lot but it's 1 hour by week. I felt fine à few days ago, because I made a list of 5 things that are absolutely necessary to go through life. Not big things, like visiting a few animal shelters and volonteer in one of them, like I did during 7 years, it's one of my special interests and talking to people there was easy. Or adopt a very old cat like I did three times. But I realized I will never be able to do that because of my desability (EDS) is getting worse. I'm only 53 and I feel my life is over for a few years. I have creative hobbies where I can express myself. But no one to share. I'm so angry at my body. And frustration often leads me to rage. I will think about your precious tips, and find how they could help me. And I'm sorry for my bad mood.
I'm having an awful mood, unraveling a life of trauma and abuse, trying to just be at work and you helped, so I don't mind your bad mood, I didn't even pick up on it with all my thoughts flying through my head
What do you do when you try to slowly empty your bucket bit by bit, and the other person doesn't let you do that by interrupting you and saying that you need to get over it? They're slowly pushing you closer to imploding. And you know that by "getting over it", or what it actually is, sweeping it under the rug, you're eventually going to explode, but the other person just won't let you slowly empty your bucket, so what are you supposed to do?
if I know I have to tell someone i know something that runs the risk of being read as criticism i first make sure the other person agrees that relationships build on mutual care for each others needs. if i'm in a more superficial friendship where the other person does not want to share certain problems, it's an indicator I am not expected to share the same amount of problems with them, and lets me keep that friendship on a more superficial level. sometimes that feels like rejection, but I try to reframe it as looking to their needs. If I need more support I tend to go to a different person I have a greater exchange with.
@@anhaicapitomaking8102 see that's actually not very helpful because whenever you get into a negative situation, you're slowly removing people from your life. And we can't afford to not be part of society, we need it to live. And society is made of people who are bad of us. It doesn't mean we have to keep them close, but we do have to find ways to manage them and the negative effects they have on us
A lot of things become more clear when you understand that they can't understand, because you are you and they are them. People are inherently non empathetic beings as they understand things through personal experiences. Not their fault, but also they could try a little harder to understand, or just take everything we say about how we feel for granted. I'll give you a little example of what I mean. I suffer from anxiety and am insomniac. Besides that, I have heart problems and tinnitus. I find it really very hard to go to sleep so I often sleep at strange hours. During the day, or whenever I feel just so tired my brain just starts to shut down. Recently I tried to explain my insomnia to an acquaintance saying "I can't just fall asleep normally. I have this and that, I am anxious... etc" and all he had to say is "*I* just fall asleep, and I make sure *I* am tired enough". Whaaa? See, the level of this person's empathy is non existing. I this, I that. He sees the world and other people only through his own eyes and everybody should be the same as he is. I am not blaming him. It is just an observation, and how majority of people react - "if I can do it, there's no reason others can't do it" . In the end I told him "you can't understand how I feel because you are not me and look at everybody with your own eyes. You're not able to put yourself in my shoes. It's alright, I understand. it's normal." I hope I didn't offend him by saying this. I didn't hear from him since, though. People get offended easily when you show them they're not as perfect as they thought they are.
Great video and the example you gave was really good for me because I feel that not getting heard is a big no-no for me. It's okay for me that other people do not agree, what is not okay is other people not willing to listen or being unable to understand. And what triggers me even more is if the other people expect me to listen but they do not listen to me. I've found that one great thing to do is to clearly communicate facts. Saying "I didn't like when you did X because *it made me feel like* Y". That is understood much more often than expressing it like "I hate that you did X because Y." The other party can deny why they did something but they cannot deny your feelings.
Wish I had known this back when I was helping babysit my two gr.-nephews, the older one is on the spectrum and at the time a SCREAMER when he encountered even a little frustration. I am on the spectrum too, very late diagnosed. My ears are very sensitive. Babysitting was not optional. I barely held it together, those years. I am happy to say, since he grew to school age, he has learned better ways to communicate!
The "I felt" reasoning is a good means of identifying why "X" is a problem. It is less likely to be viewed as attacking the person who did "X." The person isn't the problem, it's the behavior or action. ❤️🩹
The point about if someone can fill up their bucket quickly, they might be able to empty their bucket quickly is helpful for me. I get irritated really quickly, but knowing that I have a strength that helps me alleviate the irritation rapidly is empowering. Thanks for this insight.
This is such an important topic. Thanks for addressing it. I've had issues with bottling my feelings in the past, and I had a terrible experience that nearly ruined my life during a sensory overload episode. I didn't know I was autistic at the time, but knowing what I know now I can say you're right on.
I am always able to control myself to some extent. I have a bad temper and I have seriously hurt a few people that were physically bullying me. The angrier I get, the less control I have, and the stronger I become. In spite of this being an extremely rare event, it leaves some very unpleasant memories. So, to prevent this, I train and medicate myself. I explode in two different ways 1) If I'm deep in an intense thought zone and I'm interrupted, I bark "WHAT" loudly as I answer. Then I realize what I've done, and apologize. This happens a few times a year. 2) If I feel bullied by events or people, sometimes I know the anger I feel is sometimes not reasonable. I found the best way normally is to shut up and often excuse myself and walk away until I calm down. This happens too often. I sometimes medicate myself so that I can look past my anger, and see the other person's perspective. I'm very careful not to dig A hole that I can’t climb out of. I look reasonably normal, but I cannot and will not hide my autism. The ones that know me understand that this is the best I can do, and that my “explosive” anger issues will never go away. If I am antagonized during one of these events, I can taste the electricity from the shots of adrenaline. I am still intelligent and will try to do the right thing, but I can lose a few of my filters and verbally defend myself. This is a very rare occurrence. I am normally a very nice person, and my autistic skills are appreciated at work. I keep jobs. All that know me are fearful of my bad side, and are aware of the parameters they need to follow to peacefully coexist with me. Just respect me as I do you, and give me peace when I need it. I am 68 years young, and still move and work like a 30-year-old man. I wrote this so that others like me can see that with a little effort, there are ways that everyone can successfully live with their differences.
In my case, I explode when I feel that an injustice is being committed towards me. in this case anger completely takes over my brain to the point that I can't control it. I don't express this anger in the form of physical violence but in verbal violence, not yelling but telling the other person to go away or to leave me alone. And after this I feel a tremendous feeling of guilt. In summary, Injustice leads to Anger, Anger leads to Guilt. it is an awful situation.
Must be difficult when life is going to be unfair and unjust on most occasions. My husband is this way but is learning in therapy to help himself grow out of that child like thinking and assumptions of how things work but it’s definitely a struggle.
Lol!! I love this page a new subscriber. God bless you. I feel like i hold my peace until they say things i never did and i explode. Too bad. Working on being able to ignore when people have a qrong impressions, especially when it costs me nothing to let go
I am back listening again. This video is even better the second time around. I have wondered all my life what has caused all the the failure of most of my close relationships. I had a meltdown last week and now know exactly what set me off. I was needing to be heard. Our meeting was a visual remote via computer. I repeated what I understood them to say at a previous meeting and told them I need clarification. They acknowledged I was correct in what I heard them say. Then they said, "Okay, what clarification?" Then the turned their back and began fiddling with something on their desk. I exploded, raising my voice, "Why would you ask me such a stupid (blanking) question?" They disconnected. I was left staring at a black screen. I broke down in tears. It took a week to smooth things over. The day of the next virtual meeting, I sat waiting for their call. Fifteen minutes later I reached out and was told the individual had called in sick. The person I spoke with said someone had sent me a text to inform me. I had turned off my cell to charge it. This video hit the nail on the head. Wow!
Anger can be build-up of stress, it can also be old traumas getting triggered (especially if they're unresolved), it can be a sign someone is intruding past a boundary and I think it can be a very reasonable and appropriate response to any form of injustice. I do my best to manage myself to avoid all the build-up I can. I have a pretty ingrained habit of responding to pain and discomfort by just enduring it and white-knuckling and I'm trying not to do that because it makes me very miserable and irritable and have less resilience to everything else. If I feel anger in response to injustice or boundary crossing then I let myself feel it as it's an appropriate and reasonable feeling in those circumstances. So I let it flow, see what it has to tell me and express it in ways that are safe and healthy, then let it pass. Overall though, I'm pretty low anger and aggression compared to others (autistic or not). A good vent/rant to a willing listener is a great outlet for some things! Sometimes just letting a little out the valve often helps - just naming my feelings of anger and frustration.
I once, many years ago, I had a friend who got irritated about things that seemed very inessential to me. He was kind, handsome and intelligent, but would shut down and even complain about what skills I lacked. I was hurt when he became like that, but your video helps me understand what he was going through. Your videos does no only helps us understand ourselves better, but also to understand others better. Thank you.
I definitely resonate with the resentment of Not only shielding others from emotions but a myriad of other acts of service or efforts that go unnoticed... Most neurotypical people can relate to that last one but for me it's partially a frustration with myself regarding lack of ability to connect with others and attempting to do So through acts of service or sacrifice. In most instances the other people didn't ask for it or deserve it and the resentment was self-manufactured
Your videos are always so clear and straightforward and have put me on the path of recent self diagnosis at the age of 56. I've had anger issues since I was born and got into physical fights with other kids until I learned it wasn't socially acceptable. From my mid teens onwards it turned inward which has ended up being worse due to exploding verbally at people which comes out before I can stop it. It has seriously affected friendships. The strategies you've set out here are very helpful. I'm not around other people much these days as I tend to avoid, but for starters i will help my stress bucket by getting counselling for constant background anxiety and catastrophizing. Your informative and insightful videos help a lot. Thank you.
I relate to this heavily, yet it's something I had never noticed was actively reoccurring. I feel that since I've been focusing on tackling my anxiety lately I've been having more problems keeping my anger to myself. I think this will be very helpful, thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much!!! I thought I don't have that emotional explosion 💥 aspect of autism. Now that you explained it I realized that I had these explosions in the past and started coping by letting it implode on me. Now that I am aware of it I will be able to deal with it.
this is validating for how I handled a situation recently. I was upset by something someone said in an email. I waited and processed my thoughts and wrote back how I felt aboutwhat they had said. they ghosted me. in the past I have had very explosive anger. I guess I've found ways to keep my bucket level regulated
For me, the big problems are easier to abide. They’re BIG and, therefore, difficult to avoid. But the little things drive me crazy because I feel resentful - resentful that I’m having to deal with some small extra stress that could’ve been easily avoided. In this way, the little things become my biggest stressors.
I am proud of myself today - on break and dealing with stupid bank, and I didn't yell or cuss but said "if I stay I will get mad and say bad things" and then I left. Then I listened to stimming friendly music in my car (there are specific songs I've discovered I love to stim to, specifically rocking or dancing around, cause they've got a great rhythm or repetitive beat or melody) and rocked and "conducted an orchestra" and soothed all my feelings to a calmer state so I could go back to work.
My bucket concerns respect, appreciation and the idea of "doing the right thing" in any given situation. It is never just a one off small thing but an accumulation of events and stresses, criticisms or perceived slights and disrespects that send me into hyper crirical mode and eventual anger. An example: we work at a task, we complete task but never get thanked . They add more to the task and more and more but there is never a hint of appreciation just more work. You begin to question your own worthiness as a person. Am I invisible? What am I? I completed the task but now you pile on more without thanking me for what I already did. I feel empty like a machine but if you just take time to acknowledge what I did I would feel better. But you never do. Just more work and nothing I say resonates. I feel crushed and worthless and more and more angry at your demands. Then I dont want to do this or be here and I dont care. And all because you couldnt bring yourself to say "thank you" and tell me that I done good. And then we go to supervision and you sit there pointing out all my failures but few of what I got right. You want to criticize? I can criticize too. I can criticize better than you because I see and feel everything. Let me tell you lady how I feel in this job and this place being around you!!! Anger explodes. Mental image of falling off cliff. Too late. Past caring. Out the door. Forget even to collect personal belongings and feel like a complete failure and rebel.
I'm not diagnosed as autistic only as socially anxious and I also exhibit a lot pathological avoidance so a lot of these videos really help me. I have spend my whole life ignoring my own feelings because I was taught they weren't valid. So I learned to hide them from other but also from myself which has lead me to lack the capacity to know how and why I feel the way I feel. For example before a social event I need at least two hours to relax and watch a tv show or movie in order to been able to deal with the social demands that are gonna be made later during the day. But usually people tend to dismiss that as I'm being lazy or uncooperative especially if the event is at home. The reality is before any event I'm feeling on edge and my tendency is to ignore those feelings to the point that I end up having a meltdown before whatever I have to do or go to. I have been program to ignore my needs and now I find myself not knowing how to deal with my emotions.
Im diagnosed with autism, only recently i am 38 , i have anger outbursts about once a week and usually punch something and break it. Or smash a cup. Im exercising daily getting therapy and doing the best i can. I get drained very quickly especially by people. It can feel like very hard work . I wish everybody well and good luck on this topsy turvy journey 🙏
I'm also 38, and just coming to realise that I am on the spectrum, always been ostracized for being weird, I can't deal with things like other people, and I have been used and abused most of my life, and internalizing all of it as my fault. I have PTSD, and I see people and hear things and even smell things that aren't there, but we're, and we're components of my trauma. I overly obsess about things, and not just things, but aspects of things that most folks don't even care about or think about at all. I get triggered and the pain and stress, and self loathing gets worse and worse and worse until I implode, then implode and implode and implode, and then because I take heat for imploding I lash out, and that makes me hate myself even more. I have been suicidal for many years, and my fiancee seems to want me to do it, but I have kids, and I can't, but I know I'm just a stupid mess, and my very existence in their lives is just a burden. Can't afford any professional help, I'm now too damaged to hold a job, I break down in tears basically every day, I don't have family to go to to talk to, and I know that if I lean on any of my friends for any help, I'll just end up without friends as well as being trapped in this hell as it is. Honestly don't know if I'll survive the summer, but I'm going to struggle onwards and try not to give in to the hopelessness and despair.
I am so glad I saw this video of yours. I really thought I was the only person who got so upset when someone (my ex wife ) we just separated recently and she never would hear me, ignore me all the time. She would do this on purpose I think at least to see how I would react. And like you I would eat the bombs until I couldn’t anymore and then I would either blow up and or go be alone and just cry. I’m so glad I’m not alone. Now I just need to find a good psyc doctor. Thank you again!!
She would also call me names I would tell her how I fell and she would double down on me. When I would be just doing things the way I always have and she would say that I do things so weird and say I can’t believe you are so weird. I have ADHD, autism, depression, anxiety, and a slight learning disorder. She had called me the hard R word that means mentally challenged. I take that very hard hurts my feelings bad😭. And I did tell her about all my issues b4 marriage but I was masking a lot until I felt comfortable around her which I guess I shouldn’t have done. I’m just glad to know I’m not on my own. Thank you
This is so much like me. I get horrible anxiety and have sought professional help because I often think that sharing anger with others just adds fuel to an already bad emotional fire.
It's important to remember that we are the ones who don't understand. What we may perceive as offensive, is probably just how people communicate between themselves.
@@dddux it depends, if you tell someone how you perceive what they are saying, in the way that they are saying it, dozens of times, and they still go out of their way to use those exact turns of phrase, or tone, or infantilizing you and your problems, especially when they know that you have been abused, struggle with PTSD among other issues related to autistic brain function issues, and yet, they keep using the exact things they know, bring up flashbacks, make you feel like you need to rip off your skin, and constantly deny your feelings and experiences, and then blame it all on you, EVERY time, it's abuse, not your misunderstanding.
I can completely relate to this, I like to be in a calm environment and with little to no noise. With a family it's tough and you can't switch things off.
I mostly implode and I can hold a pocket of intense emotion inside me for days when it erupts as panic attacks when I am alone at home. It is horrible. The way that I have countered this is to recognize that my memories of stressful incidents are decaying and that I am filling the gaps with my own impressions, like a photo-fit - though it resembles a person less and less. There comes a point when I have to admit that my own input is lacking what might be called a 'social reality.' Of course there are many times when my grievance is genuine and in these cases I go through all kinds of internal tunnels before confronting the person involved or their superior. Either of these is painful and frightening. When I do emerge from an implosion it is a lovely calm, often with a clearer understanding of my autism at the end of it, whilst others have perhaps learned something of autism too.
One thing that annoys me is when I say to my folks, "Please don't do my chores for me, unless I'm unwell and I can't," but they do them. For example, I have a strategy with the council bins whereby I put a fresh liner in every week and I put four clothes pegs in to hold the liner in place. I put the bins out but one week, my father brought them in and he put the clothes pegs that were on the outside table back in the peg basket! So, I had get them out! My most recent meltdown was on December 13. My brother came over with my niece and nephew and I had to go and see my kidney specialist. I had 70 minutes to have my breakfast, take my pills, have a shower and brush my teeth. My brother decides to go and get my parents something for lunch, and my niece flops down on the floor crying out for him. Then, my nephew decides to scream that he wants my sister-in-law, then, my family KNOWS that I HATE FLIES, but they left the door open for the little dog, and I had to also unpack the dishwasher, but a fly came in while I was trying to and while I was trying to put my yoghurt back in the fridge, my father asked me to get some toys for my nephew! I was annoyed! I went and saw my kidney specialist and was a few minutes late because somebody parked in a clearway and I had to wait for traffic that was turning as I was in a lane with a red arrow and then, someone drove along at 30kms/h in a 50kms/h zone!
I can totally understand doing things for myself the way I want them because that's the way it works best for me. And no one else can do it for me because they'll do it "wrong." I am so very familiar with the intensity of frustration i get when other things (people, tasks, unforeseen interruptions) try to insert themselves into the limited amount of time, energy, and attention span I'm working with. Ex: no phone calls, no messages, and no notifications when I'm getting ready to leave the house for work or for an appointment. My mind will halt and I won't be able to do what I must do to be ready to leave on-time if someone else pulls my attention their way. I really will be standing there wearing one sock and holding the other sock in my hand, in a state i call "Brainstuck," unable to put the second sock on the second foot.
this made me laugh a little bit because I absolutely HATE it when someone helps me without me asking them. Like it REALLY sets me off. Nobody can ever do it the way that I want and I can't communicate precisely what I'm trying to do, so they get frustrated with me but then I get pissed off because they aren't even supposed to be here in the first place and now they're holding me hostage to this situation!
The triggers I have identified for myself all involve change. I've struggled with change forever. Having 7 different managers in 2 years has been incredibly difficult, and unfortunately, have led to meltdowns. Excellent video. Thank you.
7 different managers?! In two years?! Sounds like hell! Also, high turn over is the biggest sign of a dysfunctional workplace. I hope you're able to leave and find a better place to work.
Lmfao 🤣 I relate so much I work for a MSP have to answer for 6 different clients and do perfect work or face consequences while being a two person team…
Same here, I've worked in a crematorium for 2 years that constantly underwent major changes. including mass lay offs and new management (12 colleagues were fired including 3 managers, all signed NDAs and we were given no explanation) Burned out twice in that period, the first was due to mental exhaustion I was forced to return to work ASAP or risked losing my job, which is when I started taking stims just to get through the day. Second was when covid cases started surging and lockdowns were enforced, been unable to work ever since due to sheer stress and anxiety.
I had an absolutely narcissistic and outright emotionally and mentally abusive guy say he thought he had autism. This was strange because the only symptom he had was sadistic anger. He also gave lots of calculated and sometimes extended silent treatments (keyword calculated). Emotional manipulation was his core constant persona. No stimming, no special interests, nothing, just anger and a need at the time to steer away from others at the time already labeling him narcissistic. Anywho, I do think anger is a genuine symptom for many with autism but I truly think the bulk of us have it INWARD (implode as u mentioned and would rather bear the negativity ourself rather than thrust it on another)...in addition let's not forget Borderline Personality Disorder is a fairly common co-disorder with autism for some. If a person finds themselves CONSTANTLY in a rage or emotional rollercoaster with heaps of constant emptiness and/or maybe even constantly being accused of emotional abuse by others they should definitely see a professional. I didn't say if u hurt people simply by being blunt or socially challenged that u should seek help...what I'm saying is much deeper than that. Some of us want to pretend that socially "negative" comorbidities with autism (like borderline, even bipolar, etc) don't exist, but they do and if u have these serious things going on please reach out for help and support rather than leaving a constant trail of wounds/brokenness on others around u (and yourself).
Your description of how you implode is exactly what I’ve been doing to myself for years because meltdowns in the past have caused too much damage. Thanks for putting a relatable description around that. Working on a notebook of Things That Make Me Feel Good and then also Things That Pig Me Off. 😆 It’s making such a difference 🙏🏼
It is sadly true that some people, if they realise that something they are doing is triggering anxiety in you, they will do it more, and even laugh whilst doing it. Very difficult, I have no sure solutions, but hopefully you will get to a place where you can avoid them, or limit the times, so as to make it more bearable. I hope everyone is supported and loved, and gets to be happy and support and love in return. All the best Joseph
Ummm, bucket, No. Tractor trailer amount? Yes. When little things build up, and never get addressed, and lots of others keep getting added in bucket loads. Overwhelmed. Frustrated. And know I am both the problem and solution, but just now learning how. I appreciate thw help you give and helping to put words to issues, as well as learning coping strategies. I wish this info could be part of schooling, churches, and other clos k it groups. Great for conversation starters possibly, as well as having others see this, it may give insight to what family or friends who may be struggling, and may understand a bit better on why. Thank you again.
I am so constantly angry, because I never feel not "anxious" about my surroundings. I try so hard to carve out personal time, but any interruption pretty much empties my bucket of calm. And then whenever I can't communicate with people it gets worse. It usually stems always from a matter of others being so goddamn subconscious. All they do is subconscious. They drop shit, are loud, slam doors, leave the bin open. I tell em nicely countless times, nothing changes. I beg them to be more conscious by stating "there is always a conscious and an unconscious way to close a door" and they know that I am sound sensitive, but it just doesn't seep through, so I end up feeling like they do not care enough to accept their behaviour and try and change it. I just wanna go on a mountain and sit there until this all blows over, man.
I have a really complicated relationship with anger to be honest. Trying to even allow myself to admit I’m angry is only now becoming possible. I wasn’t allowed to be angry as a child, so now as an adult, anger is not a fun emotion to feel. Your videos are such a huge help with my son and I who are both autistic; learning more about how to help both of us is massively helpful. Thank you for your videos!
This has been helpful. Now i know why i don't drain my bucket. The people around me hold little accountability, partly because they all have their own buckets bordering on full all the time so when they are held accountable they release *their* anger and stress in the form of defensiveness and combativeness, if not outright avoidance.
Every time I watch your videos I'm surprised there's still so much more that resonates with me very very much. You've "chanelled" a lot of my thoughts and feelings. Learned a lot about myself through the content of your channel. Most valuable one is the fact that I'm not the only one. Always used to feel like a one-of strange weirdo. Or at least being seen as that by many.
Another "Ditto" from me too. Watching this and other ASD/Aspie channels, I've learned so much about Me, and now I understand why I've felt like an outsider my whole life, and why my brain processes things differently than most other people around me.
Im 49 yr old man, married 25 years. Im undiagnosed, the resources where i live are abysmal. Ive been put on every med in the book for depression and anxiety, anger management classes, the works! My childhood would make you weep, everyone connected to me in my life since birth has done and said the wrong things. Im sick of this existence, the whole world is psychotic to me and my only solid ground is probably leaving me, she's put up with enough. I have never felt so empty and soulless, thanks ASD. Just wanted to vent, not looking for pity, just seeing "the writing on the wall" for my future seems sad.
@Anonymous thank you for taking the time to care and your inquiry to my current status has made me reflect and really think...i am still "doggy paddling" along masking most of the time. My wife is hanging in with me as long as i suppress the anger and meltdowns, "no pressure" lol. Not sure how long i can appear "normal" but im tryin even though i know is isnt really solving anything, its just hiding. Its better for the world if i hide this inside me, not all N/T's are bad they are just highjacked out of their higher consciousness. Hows life treating you? I hope it is generous and kind to you. Peace to you and thank you
My daughter is employed in a local elementary school to work one-on-one with a young student who has oppositional disorder and autism. She’s continuously working to help him de-stress by going outside of the classroom and sitting with her to read something he likes, or other ways to relax. She has also begun to give him a small piece of candy (smarties) when he is compliant (gets in line with other kids or sits and participates in class work). The school has these special needs resources for many kids.
Within a minute using a self serve checkout at the supermarket I explode with anger. I get very anxious approaching this area . Then I feel ashamed having to call the shop assistant over.
I have been diagnosed with atusim in the past few weeks and i would just like say that i appreciate everything you have put out on the understanding of atusim and how it does effect us. The idea that im not crazy and that im autistic is relieving and terrifying at the same time but you have allowed me to feel closer to reality and i have a much better understanding of myself and past situations in my life. Thank you for being so open and honest about the reality of how it can effect life
I've often been criticized for not being assertive enough. However, when I would speak my mind, it would sometimes come out in an inappropriate "blast" of anger that would make me nervous about being assertive again. Writing as much of my anger and other feelings into a journal has definitely helped.
Something else that has helped me--when someone says something that triggers my anger--is to mentally pause and step back (internally) so that I can take what was said and analyze it later, determine if it really was meant as an insult toward me or if I had misunderstood the comment, etc. If I'd determine it was gaslighting or an insult, I could then deal with it in a more measured and thoughtful way instead of reacting like a berserker. It's not always easy to pause, though, when your fuse has been lit. 😂
This is a very good and helpful video. It is wisdom that we can be able to find appropriate was do reduce and address anger issues that have a way of building up. I never am comfortable in raging out, but mostly choose the imploding route.
Omg this area is my lifetime problem - irritation, grumpiness, aggression. I'd love to hear more from you about it. Maybe some stories, interviews. Thanks a lot, Paul🙏
@@anhaicapitomaking8102 now the world is f*cking crazy, I agree :D Thank you for support! But I try to find balance, not only blame circumstances, try to react adequately.
@anhaicapitomaking8102 anger has its uses, but it's an emotion ppl have trouble using strategically. I channeled mine by picking fights with ppl who deserved it (thought they would assert social dominance over me when I had phaycial dominance). You dont make a lot fo friends that way, but the NTs (typcual chumps they are) don't want conflict. I guess I'm so at home in conflict that socializing regularly bores me.
This is so helpful thank you! I usually implode or just ignore how I feel. I live with my partner now, and he's very understanding. I've never had to cohabit so closely before so I do find that I have a lot of trouble suppressing anger... Taking a moment to myself to understand it, and maybe sharing calmly it in just a few words is a brilliant tip.
I worked with an amazing therapist at Better Help over a 6 month period. After trying to figure out whether the issues throughout my entire life were caused by ADHD, BPD, BD and a plethora of other disorders - all were ruled out. It’s been Aspergers the entire time (very late diagnosis) - huge awakening at which time everything made sense.
This is PRECISELY why I sought help this year. At 55, just diagnosed with ADHD, and likely Asperger's (diagnosis still in progress). My bucket emptying practices have been disrupted in this past year due to life transition issues. These have also greatly increased my stresses. When I am not being heard (seems all too often lately), I do express myself, but it's completely over the top. Sadly, for non-friends and non-coworkers, where I usually let loose, this is actually effective (making a scene) and reinforces the behavior. Well, I let loose on my own, too. Not helpful. I need to get my bucket-emptying practices back!! Thanks for everything, Paul, you've been a significant force in me finding myself.
Apparently it's common for us to have gastric/intestinal conditions like IBS, Coeliac disease, autoimmune gastritis ..... I've got all of them and got the diagnosis prior to being diagnosed with Aspergers/High Functioning Autism ...... might be worth investigating ....
@@trinnyj1451 I wonder if skin illnesses caused by anxiety are more common for us too ? I usually don't conciously recognize my own deep stress state until it erupts on my foot like little anxiety bubbles haha
@@Crouteceleste Anxiety is HUGE for us ... and it exacerbates any conditions or health issues..... I have psoriasis which goes ballistic when I'm anxious/stressed.
A secret I'm learning to stay entirely clear of this holding-it-in-then-blowing-up cycle (though I don't want to be misleading: I practically never blow up overtly) is this: proactively learn how not to care, I mean genuinely not care, about many things that I might have earlier related falsely to my worth, status, rights, reputation, place and importance in the scheme of things, whether among family, friends or colleagues. Like I said, I am not a person who has classically blown up or exploded at people, but there have been a few instances in the past seven years or so. But even when I don't blow up outwardly, the "volcano" makes itself known inwardly. This deeper way of "not caring" has brought an intense new freedom from me. Yes, there will always be things that are essential to care about, essential to take a stand for. But there's a plethora of things in life I falsely attach that level of importance or urgency to, and I can be hyper-vigilant about how others are relating to it and what it says about me or my contributions to the world. This is what I'm learning to release, to establish my inner identity as thoroughly distinct and "other" from all those things. I guess what I'm talking about is very similar to your sensitivity to the impression of not being recognized, understood, taken into account. I believe you will agree that, like me, what counts to you is not that everybody will agree with your point of view, but that they should hear and understand what you mean, even if they're going to reject it. Ah yes, I'm listening to you now even as I type: yes, implosion. That's what I'm talking about exactly. I've been "imploding" all my life. This is what, now, after the profoundest discovery of my real ASD state, I'm learning even better, more consciously and intentionally, to overcome by being, 1) as clear, distinct, and succinct as I can about what I want to say, and, then, 2) totally letting it go and, as I said, "not caring" where it goes from there. I find that a crucial part of this "not caring" is that I must separate my own inner life from what I imagine or project to be the inner life of others who've heard what I said. I cannot allow myself to carry the fantastical burden of working through what I meant not only for me but also, imaginatively, do their processing for them, too. That's a black hole from which there's just no escape. Intention, clarity, "launching" your sincere contribution, leaving it out there for others to process, and leaving my own inner world free of all entanglement of their (imagined) inner worlds or what they should be feeling/thinking about what I said. All this has helped tremendously.
By the contrary I've learned to care. I didn't see the intentional abuse but I started to spot it and I consider it violence. I don't care what they think about me and my image but I can't just let someone go violent toward me.
Last time I was close to the edge with blind rage I knew I would do something I could never revoke. Don't know what I was gonna do but it was a really bad time. Basically I walked around, brooded about what I was so angry about and relished the idea of revenge while also understanding that it was a ridiculous power fantasy. I think that's how I managed it; I kept in mind that all of my anger was impotent and self destructive and would not help me.
Something i learned recently that helped me identify if I'm feeling something and am approaching full bucket is if i have a harder time feeling a variety of emotions. If not, then I'm not at my real base state
Just found your wonderful, wonderful channel a week ago and am binging your videos. The experiences you describe in this one are so very congruent with my own. What a relief. I have not been diagnosed and probably won't do it as I am a 70 year old, highly masked female in the US, and worry about how the DSM is used here.
I only explode in anger when im very very very stressed out about things and someone is rude towards me. I tend to be calm, easygoing, in my head, and rarely get angry in person, but I tend to bottle up my anger. I only get angry when people are rude, disrespectful, butthead jerks to me or others, and that sets me off, and makes me mad. When im angry, I try to assert myself in an aggressive manner, and that can be problematic, because im not being assertive, but im being emotionally aggressive when im standing up for myself. People would laugh, because thats what they wanted out of you, they want a reaction out of you. If you remain stoic, calm, unbothered by it, they will leave you alone.
I think imploding wrecks us emotionally and physically. Maybe why I have IBS. I 💖 this video. You nailed it. I struggle with anger and explosions a lot due to my cup running over all the time. I have a lot of resentments too. I didn't use to be this bad but I feel like I can't handle or cope with emotions anymore. Also, I grew up with a dad who would, out of the blue, dump his entire bucket on innocent, unknowing me. It was frightening. Now I "lose my shit" on a loved one. I find working in the yard/garden helps. But I have a long way to go.
My husband is probably suffering from Aspergers. One of the reason I started to watch videos on Aspergers syndrome is that he's allways stressed, frustrated and often explodes on me. Your video made me realize that there probably is an everyday stress level in his life. I am a vet and have lots of animals, someone who got aspergers would probably get frustrated by them, since they never do what they're "supposed" to do. What on earth should I do to make him feel less stressed?? There's no way I'd give them up.
Yes I implode and it had negatively effected me. With counseling I have been learning say things when they need to be, then Implode. This has been hugely helpful!
I am guilty of this, and it's specifically hard when you are trying to tell people that things make you upset but they don't take it seriously. This is probably because most people already let a little bit of the anger out before the "explosion". However, in my case it doesn't really look like I am angry at this point yet because I lack the body language. And then, when it comes to the point I have enough people are surprised (and sometimes scared) because it all comes out in a short period of time and it looks very intense, almost like a psychotic person. I don't know what can help to prevent these situations. I try to ask people to stop, I try to get out of the situation but people don't take it serious until it actually happens
I think I have autism idek. I despise my life, feels like a wasted existence. I can’t make people happy, I’m so awkward and weird, it always seems like everyone else knows a secret to life I don’t know. Everyone seems to have normal problems, normal reasons to be angry or upset, etc. Tired of seeing everyone laughing and smiling in contrast to me.
I’m so sad reading this :( hang in there Patrick. It’s not your job to make people happy. There are techniques and different ways to properly regulate your emotions and grow as a person. However I must say sometimes we feel like it is all our fault but often we aren’t surrounded by the right people. There are people who won’t think you’re “weird” and you will be able to form meaningful connections with.
I'm guessing you feel like that because people tell you your reasons for being angry or upset are trivial? They used to tell me that and I believed them for years until I found new people who helped counter that narrative. Please know that whatever reasons you have for being angry or upset they are valid. Nobody has the right to shame you for how you feel. If you ever want to talk further feel free to add me on facebook. Take care.
@@MiaMantri It’s not even that other people mistreat me. It’s just the constant indifference to me that makes me want to blow my brains out. I can’t bring myself to be entertained by other people’s presence because I have no idea how to conduct a fun conversation or just have a good time. I’m boring. Talking isn’t natural for me at all. It’s formulaic and repetitive with nothing to discuss. I’ve got no jokes, I have no comedic timing, my body gestures are weird and dismissive because I’m constantly uncomfortable. Meanwhile I see everyone else communicate a million different things in five seconds with just their face, posture, and a few words and then the person they talk to bursts out laughing. I especially want to die when I see someone who knows how to flirt or make a girl laugh. Hate to sound like an incel but I’ll never be able to do that. I deserve to die. All I do is just go to the gym and push myself as best as I can, shut absolutely everyone out and listen to David Goggins and sermons on the Book of Revelation just begging for it to be the end soon.
This is a new exploration, I’m in clinical psychology, never contemplated being autistic, now I am. Your explanation of the explode versus implode dynamic “perfectly” (with quotes because no two things are the same) matches with the recent experience that led me to be like wth, there has to be something else than adhd going on. As I am learning about autism assessment at at work I started being more exploratory so I am still in the self-diagnosis phases (this is complicated by being in the field and familiar with assessments already) and I am finding that I can relate to a ton of your content right now. I had no point when I started to comment other than to say, damn it is weird to feel “seen” by a stranger I’ve never met in a way that helps to reveal to me something I have been unaware of and struggling with for 32 years now…. Still not ready to confirm the diagnosis, but I definitely can say there are some traits, so thanks for your content, it is really important!
I don't see this as a bucket. I snap when something happens to change my managed peace. I hate interruptions when I am struggling, like an awkward situation driving or multiple noises/conversations competing for my attention. I am generally calm, I am happy in my own company and can rationalise past situations easily when relaxed. I won't hold grudges or remain angry for any length of time.
A big issue I have is that when I try expressing what's troubling me, if I feel like the person is dismissing me, ot just fills up my bucket all ober, and makes me lash out at them.
While I do feel I "explode" in those cases, I also feel super drained and really bad for having done so, so it still results in me getting hurt, just with hurting others as a freebie
I relate heavily with this, Ill lash out to my family after burning out and feel incredibly guilty right after because its not their fault my brain is not wired properly
Happens to me all the time so I became gradually more reclusive as I got older, I try to precisely express how I feel, what upsets me, and I feel I'm dismissed so I become very resentful towards the people around me.
Yes. Sounds like what me and my husband do to each other all too often. We are both on the spectrum.
My husband would tell you this can happen with us! I'm NT, he's ND.
My helpful advise is to work on adding validation to your communication with the other person,
For example:
"I can see this is important to you,
so it is important to me that I let you discuss it with me,
Your feelings are valid/understandable.
I do care!
HOWEVER I am too stressed right now to give you my full attention/ best responses, I need a time out"
The other important point is to arrange when to revisit it when you predict being calmer. For example:
"If I've decompressed by tonight/tomorrow I'd like us to talk about it then"
This. Exploding outwardly almost hurts more sometimes because of the wave of guilt and self-punishment afterwards.
With me, the question is-- "Why do SO MANY things bother me SO MUCH?". I still don't know if I have autism, I went through life being treated for depression and anxiety. When I was a kid I would try to express the things that were bothering me, only to be told that I "was being ridiculous". Like, everybody else can put up with these things, you need to learn to just live with it. Learning in my old age that autistic people can have meltdowns due to sensory input really resonated with me. Now a lot of the episodes in my life that I put down to Bipolar Disorder, I wonder if it was just overwhelming sensory triggering that I didn't know how to control. I have retreated to my house and my cats (thanks, Covid), and now the only thing that gets me is if the house has a maintenance crisis, or the cat puked AGAIN.
I had been diagnosed as bipolar type II twenty years ago. It turns out that this is a common misdiagnosis for ADHD with Asperger's, which I'm finding out now is my correct diagnosis.
i’ve been diagnosed with so much crap.. i’m adhd/asd getting the right meds now and allowing myself to unmask and be honest if i’m not in the mood instead of overloading myself
I used to and still get that a lot too. Even though I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD, they’re still not the whole picture and I think that every sensory communication thing that can’t be explained by those 2 things, are a result of undiagnosed autism.
@@mariecait I did that recently and it felt amazing. Though when I let out whispered thoughts to empty my bucket when walking outside with my boyfriend, some of them that he hears he calls me out on for being too rude. I also recently used a racial descriptor to describe, as an adjective, a person we once passed by on the sidewalk that I thought was really pretty. I said she was the prettiest black person I had ever passed by in the city. He said I was being rascist and I had to spend a fucking hour explaining myself while he kept calling it racist. So now we can’t use descriptors to talk about people that have been oppressed by others? That’s fucking ridiculous. They started out as adjectives before all the issues with it and now I can’t even use it in a compliment. I can’t vent about it on Twitter because the last time I did about a different socialized adjective people fought with me and called me wrong.
Sorry about all the venting. Had to get this out.
That reply I wrote hurt more than it helped because I’m so worried someone is going to attack me again for it.
I really appreciate hearing anger management from the point of view of someone who also implodes
Being invited to the pub to a workmate's leaving do (about 12 people) and me thinking they are being friendly. I get there, they're all sitting around the table, drinks ordered, then they all disappear into other areas of the pub. I'm left sitting on my own, in a busy pub on a Friday night 8 months pregnant with a glass of orange juice in front of me. I left the pub in silent tears whispering to my unborn child "It's okay, Mummy made a mistake" blaming myself for somehow getting it wrong. Later, I realised I wasn't supposed to go, I was only invited so they wouldn't look mean by excluding me, Still hurts.
The world NTs live in is cruel and perplexing.
@@bologna3048 NT's are cruel more often than not.
@@taraswertelecki3786 oh please nt people are just people
@@taraswertelecki3786they’re just people with different brains than yours……. Correct? If you’re not a giant asshole on purpose then maybe they aren’t either
Idiots, love you!
I've been so full of shame over my outburst of rage. It makes me feel like a child, that I'm no more mature closing in on 40 than when i was at 20. Thank you for the video, love you dorks, nerds, and weirdos.
Thanks for the insight
I finally feel like I found someone who understands EXACTLY what I go through on a daily basis. I thought I was going insane. Awareness is the first step. Thank you so much
Unfairness and pointless lies fill my bucket instantly 😁
My mother always tried to paint the picture that I’m “explosive” and have anger issues when she would always say the cruelest things to me when she is angry and taunt me with it. For example she would say “If I knew I was going to have an autistic kid, I would have never had you , fckng cretin” and then she would always go on and taunt me “ bonkers autist 🤪, bonkers autist” Iwhilst aggressively punching her own forehead. She would go on and on and on , I’d still hear if I’d go to another room. I’d scream at her to stop to please stop but she never did , it caused me immense anxiety and panic attacks and later on I did start cursing back at her. After doing that I was just painted as a difficult brat and my mother as a saint.
@ Noof... My wife's mother was that way... very cruel and hateful...my wife struggles with that to this day... even though she's been gone for years...
@@Wiz.37083 thanks for sharing , I wish your wife well. It also effects me negatively till this day.
@@leftthatbehind6090 I wish you well...hang in there...
Some of us have awful parents. I feel for you. I find myself more prone to not be so easily offended understanding way people might explode now. Sounds like you more was exploding on you for exploding?
@Noof, you didn't deserve that, and she shouldn't have treated you that way. I notice you've used all past tense verbs, so I hope this was all in the past and you have far better voices in your life now.
I use to explode more as a child and teen, but grew into pretty much an imploding kind of person. I really like the metaphor of the grenade you used, because it feels just like that: you do what you can to spare other's feelings and then that resentment just builds up.
Overall a really good video. 100/10
One of my biggest flaws is that I don’t empty my bucket regularly. Unrealistic parental expectations and always ‘being put down’ contributed to my anger bucket exploding.
This is a huge one for me. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I'm just realizing that I may have aspergers. I have always never really been able to translate my feelings to words and the most I listen to people on TH-cam describe what they go through, I'm beginning to realizing that I'm on the spectrum.
I feel like a character in a video game where you have those energy bars at the top or bottom of the screen. It’s glows a bright healthy green when your energy bar is full (probably only NT experience this) and fades and fades as you go through the day until it is a pulsating red threat, you need to replenish! Here’s the rub, there’s another bar. The coins collected bar. The bar that allows you to advance in the game. If you take replenishment time you lose coins!! This is very detrimental to your advancement in the game. The energy bar alone won’t help you to complete the level!
@@MsDamosmum might be easier to stay at level 2 or so, were the things to do and the energy we have and the way of live we can handle and enjoy , all is manageable, than to strive and struggle for level 8,9,10... were we always have to be overstressed , unhappy and still never good enough.
For what? Who says, that level 10 is a better place to be ? Those who think so can go there. And leave more space and calm on levels,1,2,3 for people who are fine with it.
@@lovepeace2373 Thank you for your response however the coins bar is representative of ‘having’ to earn a living. You have to earn a living right? Down time is required but costly so you find yourself stuck in the difficult task of trying to sustain the essential coins while not depleting the energy bar to the point of ‘game over’. There are plenty of times I seem to have arrived at ‘game over’ and have to restart the same level again and again. Monotonous to say the least.
In what way did your bucket explode? Mine usually implodes. It’s almost always me I harm
6:10 "(..) it's not always easy to notice our own stress (...), especially if we're living with a significant amount of background anxiety."
This line seems so obvious when you say it, yet i'd not realised. Thank you for pointing this out.
as an autistic person I find that once people find out they treat me like a danger as well as gaslighting me into certain reactions to justify my treatment.
another one was the mother of my child telling me I'm victimising myself by stating I'm autistic even though I was trying to communicate the difficulties I have that I can't seem to understand fully but know damn well there's a problem.
I don't receive help in this world, I'm too smart and efficient for anyone to help. I'm often seen as intimidating. not physically, intellectually.
I strongly identify with your feeling that nobody can help you. I’m so good at solving my own problems that when it comes to something I can’t solve, nobody else can either. And everything they say I’ve already thought of and it’s really frustrating
Oh wow! This is exactly how I feel. I always feel the medical stuff knows way less than me about my illness. I found solutions to so manny problems I could give advice to a lot of people but I don't have anyone to give me a good advice, only superficial things.
Good questions. As I struggle to come to terms with both ASD and CPTSD, emotional regulations is extremely difficult to manage. It causes great difficulties in establishing and maintaining relationships. The tension and rage that builds up inside me I try to mask or suppress but internalizing anger wreaks havoc internally. Expressing rage outwardly doesn't serve well either. displays of anger rarely aids in making friends.
I too have ASD and CPTSD. I like to lift weights and let all my anger out that way. I do it at home in my own private space so no one else is effected. I workout with aggressive music to help me release any frustration or anger I'm feeling and for me the endorphin rush after exercise leaves me calm and collected. I also meditate daily to ensure that any negative thoughts I have can't get a hold of me. Talking with a professional can help too. You need to express yourself, it just needs to be done in a healthy manner and in a safe space.
I have same thing been diagnosed CPTSD and score 30 on AQ. Unfortunately my gf of 14 yrs experiences most of my meltdowns (in one now) and she tries to comfort me and help but my internal implosions become external explosions of uncontrollable emotion.
I just worry it's got worse as ive got older and i will end up cutting everyone out of my life even my gf who ive been with since 16. It hurts and makes me fantasise about death but i know anything i do had impacts on others through own experience of my mum taking her life when i was a young boy. Sorry to rant
@@mrsolodolo5770 I think it does get worse as we get older because it's progressive when it's unresolved. Be careful not to alienate your girlfriend, the great empty void of loneliness is very difficult to live with.
ASD has it's challenges but my ASD days are my good days. CPTSD is the agony that wont let go. In my opinion, just my opinion, ASD+CPTSD results in traits bearing a striking resemblance to BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. I personally am trying to manage my CPTSD through the lens of BPD. Many of the tools that aid in BPD seem applicable to managing CPTSD. In any case, daily practices are essential in healing.
Your mother taking her own life may be an indication you and her struggle with some of the same condition. My mother took her life in her later years and looking back it seems obvious to me now what she struggled with. It's serious, very serious. Your girlfriend trying to comfort you may illicit childhood responses of inconsolability and disorganized attachment. ASD+CPTSD act together to tie you in knots. The only escape I find is to get outside myself when feelings of inconsolable emptiness get hold of me. If you have someone that's trying to help, don't alienate them. It's not their fault, they don't know what you need. The ASD in you might need some space to work out the extreme feelings. Let her know gently and try to explain it isn't her. I've avoided drugs and chosen diet, exercise and mindfulness as the path to remission. There's more to it than that, obviously, but that's the foundation I work by. It takes time and discipline. Yes, there can be times of remission when the bright side of ASD is the reward for all the effort. Hang in there.
@@jonmars9559 Thank you for your response. It is helpful to hear from someone with similar experiences. I too prefer the approach of diet and mindfullness, although my family pursuaded me to use drugs and therapy of many kinds, it hasn't worked. I will continue but I just dispair at the thought of my future. Thanks again
@@curucach5366 it’s interesting that you say you didn’t lift weights in the gym, is there a reason for that? I have a friend who is in a similar situation and refuses to go to the gym, but I’ve tried to encourage him to do some type of weight lifting
This has really been the story of my life. I'm 69 years of age and i still have trouble sensing when im ready to explode until it's too late. It doesn't happen as often but it still does.
63 years old here and it's the same for me. I have fewer explosions, but more anxiety.
I'm 62, diagnosed just last year. Fully understand the 'story of my life' thing. So many lost years. At least we now understand causation and how to manage frustration-aggression-exploding or imploding. It may still happen occasionally but, for me, knowing why at least makes it bearable and/or easier to forgive. It's been an exhausting life! At least I can make some sense of it now:)
@@trinnyj1451 I totally agree. I was just diagnosed last year. I wish my parents could have known when I was young.
@@autodogdact3313 Hardly anyone knew, at least when I was young. And then it was seen as an issue mainly with boys/men and not for girls/women. Thankfully, that has changed. Day to day life remains challenging, however ..........
48, and same.
I went to a lecture the other day and afterwards struggled to introduce myself to any of the speakers at the networking event, I felt so frustrated that I couldn’t socialise properly and felt like I didn’t belong
Every formal and informal (i.e. party) networking event I’ve ever been to
My biggest bucket-filler is the feeling of being trapped. I hate feeling unable to change a situation. I've just moved from a small flat in a busy urban area to a remote farmhouse, and that's helped me a lot with finding peace and quiet, obviously - but before I managed to organise the move I had a new neighbour upstairs for a couple of months who hardly ever seemed to sleep and made constant noises. I ended up flying into a rage and shouting and banging on the ceiling - I couldn't control my anger at all, and I think it was because I felt there was no way to take myself out of the situation.
I really hope you're enjoying the peace and quiet and feeling of space in your new place. I have lived in flats too, had issues with noise from neighbours in both and know how it makes you feel. For people with ASD, sensory issues with noise doesn't make living in flats ideal. I still live in the city as I need everything on hand, but in a townhouse in a fairly quiet area with one adjoining neighbour who is away most of the time..yay! I've always managed to escape feeling trapped whether that's been through planning or just walking out. I've always had a thing about escaping. I feel very sorry for people who can't get out of a situation and how stressful that must be for them.
@@helenayamez Thank you! I'm happy for you that you found a place to live that works for you. Yes, it was extremely stressful for me (I'm undiagnosed but suspect I might be "mildly" ASD). The only noise I get here has been the occasional rat in the walls! I guess that would be a problem for some, but I prefer it to people-noise. I can't attribute animal sounds to malice, and somehow that helps a lot.
I’m dealing with this currently in my house. About 8 months ago some incredibly obnoxious people with a giant bass subwoofer moved in to my neighborhood and my life has just been an unimaginable nightmare ever since. They aren’t the only problem but not being able to control my environment makes me crazy. After less than two weeks of living near them I found myself standing on my porch at 8am screaming at the top of my lungs for all to see. I’ve been having shoulder problems for a year now. During another explosion shortly after they moved in I punched my back door over and over again and my shoulder is still messed up now. I tried to sell my house and no one is buying it. I’m trapped in a miserable existence of unending pain for 8 months now. I’m so jealous of your house in the country.
@@Nik.No.K I'm so sorry to hear that :( Your experience is the sort of thing I always think of when people say "it's greener if we all live in cities." I'd be OK with living in a city if it were possible to hear absolute SILENCE whenever I wanted to. That, of course, would mean incredibly expensive sound proofing on all the housing. I do sometimes think that some of the people talking about city living are just not aware of the level of torture some of us go through due to unwanted noise. I was tempted to say to you "don't be too jealous of my house in the country, it's a constant nightmare maintaining it" - but I'm fully aware you would probably welcome that challenge in exchange for the peace. I wish I could help, and I hope you manage to escape soon.
I'm definitely an imploder.
I don't get angry so often anymore, once I realized I needed to take responsibility for my own feelings, acknowledging that no one can force me to feel any way, that I have a choice in how I react/feel, that if someone or something is upsetting me, it's my choice to walk away from it. If i chose to stay in it, who am I to complain then?
Since about three years, i have felt far more relaxed/zen.
I totally empathise with anger issues, I have been known to take it on various objects in the house. Now, I am trying to do the following, knowing running is my mehod to empty my bucket, I go on regular runs so that my bucket remains quite manageable. What it means is that as soon as something triggers me, the bucket does not overflow. We all need to find what works for each one of us.
Sounds familiar. Back when I was a teenager, I found myself in a lot of arguments with my dad. Once, when my anger built to explosion level, I wanted to give him a hard kick. Instead, I turned around, and gave the door behind me that kick! I was so surprised when my foot went right Through the door! My foot had landed where there was an especially thin decorative panel set into the door as into a frame. My kick broke the panel. I had never noticed the door was not all one piece. I forgot my anger in finding the structure of the door wasn't what I thought. I was proud of myself at the time that I chose hurting property over person. My toe did hurt, but thanks to how easily the panel broke, it wasn't injured by venting that way. I had to help put the door back together. It never looked right again, but was functional.
As a mother of a child on the spectrum I searched this topic to better understand and empathize. I get very angry and explode and then feel horrible. I think I myself have an undiagnosed autism or sensory disorder. I’m happy to have found you because you’ve helped me better understand myself so that I can improve my own coping skills. It’s not easy
This resonates so strongly with me that I'm crying ......... thank you for explaining these complex concepts so beautifully.
Not feeling heard is a hot button issue for Asperger's individuals, and I think this is why: Aspies process more information at a faster pace than most neurotypicals. That means that the Aspie is usually several steps ahead of the neurotypical when discussing a problem or issue. As a result, what the Aspie is saying makes no sense to the beurotypicall. They're "not there" yet. Sometimes just letting what you've said percolate in the background will cause the neurotypical to stop mid-sentence later on and say, "Wait-were you saying ? Now I see what you meant."
I wonder if that's more the ADHD that seems to often go along with Asperger's. I have ADHD, and I definitely feel the agony of trying to slow down so that people keep up, or knowing at the beginning of the conversation what they're going to say, but desperately trying to keep from interrupting so that I'm not rude. (not saying I'm smarter than them, as often I miss those small details that can be so important)
My husband has (I think) Asperger's, and he's very much a slow processor in almost everything except the things that he's an expert in. He often takes a while for things to sink in. (Again, I'm not saying he's not intelligent, actually he's way smarter than I am, but he's slow.)
Fast internal processing and being a few steps ahead of everyone else who isn't "there" yet... Yes, I've often felt this. And yet, when someone says something, I get a mental processing delay. It will take a moment between hearing it, understanding what was said, and then responding appropriately. For example today: I went somewhere for a specific purpose. The person who attended to my visit said we'll go to Room Four. My mind had to internally repeat Room Four, I said Room Four aloud to acknowledge that i heard the instruction during the processing delay, and then I noticed the large signs bearing enormously printed numbers over the doors, and I needed to recognize which one matched the spoken word Four. I could feel the weight of this mental processing delay, which is why I repeated the instruction aloud.
And whenever this issue becomes transparent (not by me stating that I am "further ahead") but usually by answering to quickly and people see that I predicted their point. They get angry and defensive and instantly switch the topic to a matter of me seeing myself as superior somehow.
Personally I don’t feel unheard or that my brain processes things faster. I think my brain is more slow however I process all of the information at once so I can see a bigger picture and it allows to be more logical. However I’m so logical and smart it makes me feel like everyone else is stupid, which is the main cause of my anger.
Thanks. I really needed to hear this.
it took me a long time to realise a key component to managing relationships is to adress stressors that are likely to cause bigger problems down the line as soon as I identify them, and my needs are just as important as the other persons needs. in early life i assumed I could be responsible for the relationship by simply maximising pleasure for the other person, but i learned it's a very unfair way of treating the relationship and myself. I always ask people who know me to be clear about what they need and if there are any misunderstandings as soon as possible, and i promise to do the same. these days I aim for mutual understanding of differences rather than maximising the other persons pleasure.
Imploding is how I end up crying at work, and people don't understand, "oh, you don't have to cry" and "we all feel like this" when "yes I do" and "no, you really don't" are the real answers. I try to warn people when I'm reaching a limit, often about talking about "chaos, this is all chaos" in the work place - I work in the back room of a retail establishment, with my BA in Music Theory & Composition and Russian Language, and my words are becoming more and more limited. And crying is more open and aware of my surroundings than shutting down, withdrawing, and practically disassociating.
Очень вам сочувствую. Надеюсь, эти два года были для вас лучше.
I live with my sister and we are both autistic. We have a lot of issues when we try to talk to each other about grievances. It often ends in shouting matches with sometimes objects being destroyed or tears of rage because we apparently push each other's buttons until we both explode. I think a lot of this comes from the fact that there are remnants of the siblings "hierarchy" between older/younger sisters. Also a big part of this I think comes from lingering hurts and insecurities from being raised with abuse in our family.
I found out that if there is no lingering injustice (like a task she pushed back weeks or months like a pile of trash bags she didn't evacuate or dirty dishes she didn't do, which causes me severe anxiety and is the most common topic of our fights), I can usually calm down if she stops interacting with me and goes away. Simply saying "I can't deal with what you're saying right now, please stop overwhelming/triggering me now because I will surely explode" is not a solution for us.
It was very hard to make her understand that that was NOT an excuse for me to "win" the fight or avoiding it, just to avoid burning myself so hot I start to destroy things instead of hurting her.
The issue is, she is very lazy (though I know most of it is because of anxiety and executive function disorder, like me). I do try to remind her as little as possible that I need her to do the task, because it gives her more anxiety and makes her even less likely to do the task. Which, in turn, both angers me that I still have to remind her to do her chores (we're both around 30), and stresses me out A LOT until she finally does the task. It's a vicious circle :/
Would it be possible for you to pay somebody to help you in the house once a week or so? Just to keep the peace between you? A messy house triggers many people.
I’m 51, been with my husband for 10 years, and just had the worst meltdown of our relationship. The good thing is that he saw me and helped identify the probability that I am undiagnosed autistic. The relief of an answer for why I am me is amazing and your videos are immensely helpful to my transition of realization of my condition. Life has been so lonely until now. Thank you for sharing and helping others. You are appreciated.
That's really interesting because over the last few years my anger and sudden explosions have died down to almost nothing. I thought it was just because of growing more mellow in my old age, lol, but I see now that it's because of having learnt to have a voice and being able to use it, whereas before I didn't have the words to express myself verbally. It's made a huge difference! :)
Well, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I am full of anxiety, frustration, anger today. As always, you're very interesting and helpful. I have meltdowns and shutdowns when I get sensory overloaded. But when I feel very bad, with an incredibly amount of full trucks, I never explode. I implode, sometimes having depersonalization and derealization, or wanting to hurt myself. I am in therapy with a psychologist specialist in ASD, she helps a lot but it's 1 hour by week. I felt fine à few days ago, because I made a list of 5 things that are absolutely necessary to go through life. Not big things, like visiting a few animal shelters and volonteer in one of them, like I did during 7 years, it's one of my special interests and talking to people there was easy. Or adopt a very old cat like I did three times. But I realized I will never be able to do that because of my desability (EDS) is getting worse. I'm only 53 and I feel my life is over for a few years. I have creative hobbies where I can express myself. But no one to share. I'm so angry at my body. And frustration often leads me to rage.
I will think about your precious tips, and find how they could help me.
And I'm sorry for my bad mood.
I'm having an awful mood, unraveling a life of trauma and abuse, trying to just be at work
and you helped, so I don't mind your bad mood, I didn't even pick up on it with all my thoughts flying through my head
What do you do when you try to slowly empty your bucket bit by bit, and the other person doesn't let you do that by interrupting you and saying that you need to get over it? They're slowly pushing you closer to imploding. And you know that by "getting over it", or what it actually is, sweeping it under the rug, you're eventually going to explode, but the other person just won't let you slowly empty your bucket, so what are you supposed to do?
if I know I have to tell someone i know something that runs the risk of being read as criticism i first make sure the other person agrees that relationships build on mutual care for each others needs. if i'm in a more superficial friendship where the other person does not want to share certain problems, it's an indicator I am not expected to share the same amount of problems with them, and lets me keep that friendship on a more superficial level. sometimes that feels like rejection, but I try to reframe it as looking to their needs. If I need more support I tend to go to a different person I have a greater exchange with.
They don't deserve your attention
@@anhaicapitomaking8102 see that's actually not very helpful because whenever you get into a negative situation, you're slowly removing people from your life. And we can't afford to not be part of society, we need it to live. And society is made of people who are bad of us. It doesn't mean we have to keep them close, but we do have to find ways to manage them and the negative effects they have on us
A lot of things become more clear when you understand that they can't understand, because you are you and they are them. People are inherently non empathetic beings as they understand things through personal experiences. Not their fault, but also they could try a little harder to understand, or just take everything we say about how we feel for granted.
I'll give you a little example of what I mean. I suffer from anxiety and am insomniac. Besides that, I have heart problems and tinnitus. I find it really very hard to go to sleep so I often sleep at strange hours. During the day, or whenever I feel just so tired my brain just starts to shut down. Recently I tried to explain my insomnia to an acquaintance saying "I can't just fall asleep normally. I have this and that, I am anxious... etc" and all he had to say is "*I* just fall asleep, and I make sure *I* am tired enough". Whaaa? See, the level of this person's empathy is non existing. I this, I that. He sees the world and other people only through his own eyes and everybody should be the same as he is. I am not blaming him. It is just an observation, and how majority of people react - "if I can do it, there's no reason others can't do it" . In the end I told him "you can't understand how I feel because you are not me and look at everybody with your own eyes. You're not able to put yourself in my shoes. It's alright, I understand. it's normal." I hope I didn't offend him by saying this. I didn't hear from him since, though. People get offended easily when you show them they're not as perfect as they thought they are.
@@Stfguac I can afford being alone. I because a hermit.
It's the shame after the episode that hurts the most
Imploding anger combined with toxic shame from childhood trauma is so difficult to navigate. I appreciate these suggestions.
Great video and the example you gave was really good for me because I feel that not getting heard is a big no-no for me. It's okay for me that other people do not agree, what is not okay is other people not willing to listen or being unable to understand. And what triggers me even more is if the other people expect me to listen but they do not listen to me.
I've found that one great thing to do is to clearly communicate facts. Saying "I didn't like when you did X because *it made me feel like* Y". That is understood much more often than expressing it like "I hate that you did X because Y." The other party can deny why they did something but they cannot deny your feelings.
Wish I had known this back when I was helping babysit my two gr.-nephews, the older one is on the spectrum and at the time a SCREAMER when he encountered even a little frustration. I am on the spectrum too, very late diagnosed. My ears are very sensitive. Babysitting was not optional. I barely held it together, those years. I am happy to say, since he grew to school age, he has learned better ways to communicate!
The "I felt" reasoning is a good means of identifying why "X" is a problem. It is less likely to be viewed as attacking the person who did "X." The person isn't the problem, it's the behavior or action. ❤️🩹
The point about if someone can fill up their bucket quickly, they might be able to empty their bucket quickly is helpful for me. I get irritated really quickly, but knowing that I have a strength that helps me alleviate the irritation rapidly is empowering. Thanks for this insight.
Thanks, Paul. I’ve been listening to you for years and I’m glad you’re still there. You’re a great help, so calm and honest and dependable. Cheers
Best thing that helped me is saying what you need to say. You can't control if the other listens or not but you got your message communicated.
This is such an important topic. Thanks for addressing it. I've had issues with bottling my feelings in the past, and I had a terrible experience that nearly ruined my life during a sensory overload episode. I didn't know I was autistic at the time, but knowing what I know now I can say you're right on.
I am always able to control myself to some extent. I have a bad temper and I have seriously hurt a few people that were physically bullying me. The angrier I get, the less control I have, and the stronger I become. In spite of this being an extremely rare event, it leaves some very unpleasant memories. So, to prevent this, I train and medicate myself. I explode in two different ways 1) If I'm deep in an intense thought zone and I'm interrupted, I bark "WHAT" loudly as I answer. Then I realize what I've done, and apologize. This happens a few times a year. 2) If I feel bullied by events or people, sometimes I know the anger I feel is sometimes not reasonable. I found the best way normally is to shut up and often excuse myself and walk away until I calm down. This happens too often. I sometimes medicate myself so that I can look past my anger, and see the other person's perspective. I'm very careful not to dig A hole that I can’t climb out of. I look reasonably normal, but I cannot and will not hide my autism. The ones that know me understand that this is the best I can do, and that my “explosive” anger issues will never go away. If I am antagonized during one of these events, I can taste the electricity from the shots of adrenaline. I am still intelligent and will try to do the right thing, but I can lose a few of my filters and verbally defend myself. This is a very rare occurrence. I am normally a very nice person, and my autistic skills are appreciated at work. I keep jobs. All that know me are fearful of my bad side, and are aware of the parameters they need to follow to peacefully coexist with me. Just respect me as I do you, and give me peace when I need it. I am 68 years young, and still move and work like a 30-year-old man. I wrote this so that others like me can see that with a little effort, there are ways that everyone can successfully live with their differences.
In my case, I explode when I feel that an injustice is being committed towards me. in this case anger completely takes over my brain to the point that I can't control it.
I don't express this anger in the form of physical violence but in verbal violence, not yelling but telling the other person to go away or to leave me alone.
And after this I feel a tremendous feeling of guilt.
In summary, Injustice leads to Anger, Anger leads to Guilt. it is an awful situation.
Must be difficult when life is going to be unfair and unjust on most occasions. My husband is this way but is learning in therapy to help himself grow out of that child like thinking and assumptions of how things work but it’s definitely a struggle.
I wish I could tell them to go away. I just tell them their worst defects and reveal the things they're self lying. So they can never firgive me.
I get frustrated when I don't get My Autism&Aspergers because I don't understand why I get mad or upset and think it's difficult to deal with.
Lol!! I love this page a new subscriber.
God bless you.
I feel like i hold my peace until they say things i never did and i explode. Too bad. Working on being able to ignore when people have a qrong impressions, especially when it costs me nothing to let go
I am back listening again. This video is even better the second time around. I have wondered all my life what has caused all the the failure of most of my close relationships.
I had a meltdown last week and now know exactly what set me off. I was needing to be heard. Our meeting was a visual remote via computer. I repeated what I understood them to say at a previous meeting and told them I need clarification. They acknowledged I was correct in what I heard them say. Then they said, "Okay, what clarification?" Then the turned their back and began fiddling with something on their desk. I exploded, raising my voice, "Why would you ask me such a stupid (blanking) question?" They disconnected. I was left staring at a black screen. I broke down in tears. It took a week to smooth things over. The day of the next virtual meeting, I sat waiting for their call. Fifteen minutes later I reached out and was told the individual had called in sick. The person I spoke with said someone had sent me a text to inform me. I had turned off my cell to charge it.
This video hit the nail on the head. Wow!
Anger can be build-up of stress, it can also be old traumas getting triggered (especially if they're unresolved), it can be a sign someone is intruding past a boundary and I think it can be a very reasonable and appropriate response to any form of injustice. I do my best to manage myself to avoid all the build-up I can. I have a pretty ingrained habit of responding to pain and discomfort by just enduring it and white-knuckling and I'm trying not to do that because it makes me very miserable and irritable and have less resilience to everything else.
If I feel anger in response to injustice or boundary crossing then I let myself feel it as it's an appropriate and reasonable feeling in those circumstances. So I let it flow, see what it has to tell me and express it in ways that are safe and healthy, then let it pass. Overall though, I'm pretty low anger and aggression compared to others (autistic or not). A good vent/rant to a willing listener is a great outlet for some things! Sometimes just letting a little out the valve often helps - just naming my feelings of anger and frustration.
Precisely, ongoing stress and people's aggression or disrespect towards me are what fuel my anger.
I once, many years ago, I had a friend who got irritated about things that seemed very inessential to me. He was kind, handsome and intelligent, but would shut down and even complain about what skills I lacked. I was hurt when he became like that, but your video helps me understand what he was going through. Your videos does no only helps us understand ourselves better, but also to understand others better. Thank you.
I definitely resonate with the resentment of Not only shielding others from emotions but a myriad of other acts of service or efforts that go unnoticed... Most neurotypical people can relate to that last one but for me it's partially a frustration with myself regarding lack of ability to connect with others and attempting to do So through acts of service or sacrifice. In most instances the other people didn't ask for it or deserve it and the resentment was self-manufactured
Your videos are always so clear and straightforward and have put me on the path of recent self diagnosis at the age of 56. I've had anger issues since I was born and got into physical fights with other kids until I learned it wasn't socially acceptable. From my mid teens onwards it turned inward which has ended up being worse due to exploding verbally at people which comes out before I can stop it. It has seriously affected friendships. The strategies you've set out here are very helpful. I'm not around other people much these days as I tend to avoid, but for starters i will help my stress bucket by getting counselling for
constant background anxiety and catastrophizing. Your informative and insightful videos help a lot. Thank you.
I relate to this heavily, yet it's something I had never noticed was actively reoccurring. I feel that since I've been focusing on tackling my anxiety lately I've been having more problems keeping my anger to myself. I think this will be very helpful, thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much!!!
I thought I don't have that emotional explosion 💥 aspect of autism. Now that you explained it I realized that I had these explosions in the past and started coping by letting it implode on me.
Now that I am aware of it I will be able to deal with it.
this is validating for how I handled a situation recently. I was upset by something someone said in an email. I waited and processed my thoughts and wrote back how I felt aboutwhat they had said. they ghosted me.
in the past I have had very explosive anger. I guess I've found ways to keep my bucket level regulated
Learning to work out a gym turns me into a different person without stress.. but working my way up to going to a gym and moving takes a long time
For me, the big problems are easier to abide. They’re BIG and, therefore, difficult to avoid. But the little things drive me crazy because I feel resentful - resentful that I’m having to deal with some small extra stress that could’ve been easily avoided. In this way, the little things become my biggest stressors.
I am proud of myself today - on break and dealing with stupid bank, and I didn't yell or cuss but said "if I stay I will get mad and say bad things" and then I left. Then I listened to stimming friendly music in my car (there are specific songs I've discovered I love to stim to, specifically rocking or dancing around, cause they've got a great rhythm or repetitive beat or melody) and rocked and "conducted an orchestra" and soothed all my feelings to a calmer state so I could go back to work.
Paul you are helping. Wanted you to know that
My bucket concerns respect, appreciation and the idea of "doing the right thing" in any given situation. It is never just a one off small thing but an accumulation of events and stresses, criticisms or perceived slights and disrespects that send me into hyper crirical mode and eventual anger.
An example: we work at a task, we complete task but never get thanked . They add more to the task and more and more but there is never a hint of appreciation just more work. You begin to question your own worthiness as a person. Am I invisible? What am I? I completed the task but now you pile on more without thanking me for what I already did. I feel empty like a machine but if you just take time to acknowledge what I did I would feel better. But you never do. Just more work and nothing I say resonates. I feel crushed and worthless and more and more angry at your demands. Then I dont want to do this or be here and I dont care. And all because you couldnt bring yourself to say "thank you" and tell me that I done good.
And then we go to supervision and you sit there pointing out all my failures but few of what I got right. You want to criticize? I can criticize too. I can criticize better than you because I see and feel everything. Let me tell you lady how I feel in this job and this place being around you!!! Anger explodes. Mental image of falling off cliff. Too late. Past caring. Out the door. Forget even to collect personal belongings and feel like a complete failure and rebel.
I'm not diagnosed as autistic only as socially anxious and I also exhibit a lot pathological avoidance so a lot of these videos really help me.
I have spend my whole life ignoring my own feelings because I was taught they weren't valid. So I learned to hide them from other but also from myself which has lead me to lack the capacity to know how and why I feel the way I feel.
For example before a social event I need at least two hours to relax and watch a tv show or movie in order to been able to deal with the social demands that are gonna be made later during the day. But usually people tend to dismiss that as I'm being lazy or uncooperative especially if the event is at home.
The reality is before any event I'm feeling on edge and my tendency is to ignore those feelings to the point that I end up having a meltdown before whatever I have to do or go to.
I have been program to ignore my needs and now I find myself not knowing how to deal with my emotions.
Im diagnosed with autism, only recently i am 38 , i have anger outbursts about once a week and usually punch something and break it. Or smash a cup. Im exercising daily getting therapy and doing the best i can. I get drained very quickly especially by people. It can feel like very hard work . I wish everybody well and good luck on this topsy turvy journey 🙏
I'm also 38, and just coming to realise that I am on the spectrum, always been ostracized for being weird, I can't deal with things like other people, and I have been used and abused most of my life, and internalizing all of it as my fault.
I have PTSD, and I see people and hear things and even smell things that aren't there, but we're, and we're components of my trauma.
I overly obsess about things, and not just things, but aspects of things that most folks don't even care about or think about at all.
I get triggered and the pain and stress, and self loathing gets worse and worse and worse until I implode, then implode and implode and implode, and then because I take heat for imploding I lash out, and that makes me hate myself even more.
I have been suicidal for many years, and my fiancee seems to want me to do it, but I have kids, and I can't, but I know I'm just a stupid mess, and my very existence in their lives is just a burden.
Can't afford any professional help, I'm now too damaged to hold a job, I break down in tears basically every day, I don't have family to go to to talk to, and I know that if I lean on any of my friends for any help, I'll just end up without friends as well as being trapped in this hell as it is.
Honestly don't know if I'll survive the summer, but I'm going to struggle onwards and try not to give in to the hopelessness and despair.
I am so glad I saw this video of yours. I really thought I was the only person who got so upset when someone (my ex wife ) we just separated recently and she never would hear me, ignore me all the time. She would do this on purpose I think at least to see how I would react. And like you I would eat the bombs until I couldn’t anymore and then I would either blow up and or go be alone and just cry. I’m so glad I’m not alone. Now I just need to find a good psyc doctor. Thank you again!!
She would also call me names I would tell her how I fell and she would double down on me. When I would be just doing things the way I always have and she would say that I do things so weird and say I can’t believe you are so weird. I have ADHD, autism, depression, anxiety, and a slight learning disorder. She had called me the hard R word that means mentally challenged. I take that very hard hurts my feelings bad😭. And I did tell her about all my issues b4 marriage but I was masking a lot until I felt comfortable around her which I guess I shouldn’t have done. I’m just glad to know I’m not on my own. Thank you
This is so much like me. I get horrible anxiety and have sought professional help because I often think that sharing anger with others just adds fuel to an already bad emotional fire.
It’s funny how those that tell you to calm down are the ones that went out of their way to piss you off in the first place.
It's important to remember that we are the ones who don't understand. What we may perceive as offensive, is probably just how people communicate between themselves.
@@dddux it depends, if you tell someone how you perceive what they are saying, in the way that they are saying it, dozens of times, and they still go out of their way to use those exact turns of phrase, or tone, or infantilizing you and your problems, especially when they know that you have been abused, struggle with PTSD among other issues related to autistic brain function issues, and yet, they keep using the exact things they know, bring up flashbacks, make you feel like you need to rip off your skin, and constantly deny your feelings and experiences, and then blame it all on you, EVERY time, it's abuse, not your misunderstanding.
I can completely relate to this, I like to be in a calm environment and with little to no noise. With a family it's tough and you can't switch things off.
I mostly implode and I can hold a pocket of intense emotion inside me for days when it erupts as panic attacks when I am alone at home. It is horrible. The way that I have countered this is to recognize that my memories of stressful incidents are decaying and that I am filling the gaps with my own impressions, like a photo-fit - though it resembles a person less and less. There comes a point when I have to admit that my own input is lacking what might be called a 'social reality.' Of course there are many times when my grievance is genuine and in these cases I go through all kinds of internal tunnels before confronting the person involved or their superior. Either of these is painful and frightening. When I do emerge from an implosion it is a lovely calm, often with a clearer understanding of my autism at the end of it, whilst others have perhaps learned something of autism too.
@Fatima Mustapha mala Thank you.
One thing that annoys me is when I say to my folks, "Please don't do my chores for me, unless I'm unwell and I can't," but they do them. For example, I have a strategy with the council bins whereby I put a fresh liner in every week and I put four clothes pegs in to hold the liner in place. I put the bins out but one week, my father brought them in and he put the clothes pegs that were on the outside table back in the peg basket! So, I had get them out!
My most recent meltdown was on December 13. My brother came over with my niece and nephew and I had to go and see my kidney specialist. I had 70 minutes to have my breakfast, take my pills, have a shower and brush my teeth. My brother decides to go and get my parents something for lunch, and my niece flops down on the floor crying out for him. Then, my nephew decides to scream that he wants my sister-in-law, then, my family KNOWS that I HATE FLIES, but they left the door open for the little dog, and I had to also unpack the dishwasher, but a fly came in while I was trying to and while I was trying to put my yoghurt back in the fridge, my father asked me to get some toys for my nephew! I was annoyed! I went and saw my kidney specialist and was a few minutes late because somebody parked in a clearway and I had to wait for traffic that was turning as I was in a lane with a red arrow and then, someone drove along at 30kms/h in a 50kms/h zone!
I can totally understand doing things for myself the way I want them because that's the way it works best for me. And no one else can do it for me because they'll do it "wrong."
I am so very familiar with the intensity of frustration i get when other things (people, tasks, unforeseen interruptions) try to insert themselves into the limited amount of time, energy, and attention span I'm working with. Ex: no phone calls, no messages, and no notifications when I'm getting ready to leave the house for work or for an appointment. My mind will halt and I won't be able to do what I must do to be ready to leave on-time if someone else pulls my attention their way. I really will be standing there wearing one sock and holding the other sock in my hand, in a state i call "Brainstuck," unable to put the second sock on the second foot.
this made me laugh a little bit because I absolutely HATE it when someone helps me without me asking them. Like it REALLY sets me off. Nobody can ever do it the way that I want and I can't communicate precisely what I'm trying to do, so they get frustrated with me but then I get pissed off because they aren't even supposed to be here in the first place and now they're holding me hostage to this situation!
Crazy
The triggers I have identified for myself all involve change. I've struggled with change forever.
Having 7 different managers in 2 years has been incredibly difficult, and unfortunately, have led to meltdowns.
Excellent video.
Thank you.
7 different managers?! In two years?! Sounds like hell! Also, high turn over is the biggest sign of a dysfunctional workplace. I hope you're able to leave and find a better place to work.
Lmfao 🤣 I relate so much I work for a MSP have to answer for 6 different clients and do perfect work or face consequences while being a two person team…
Same here, I've worked in a crematorium for 2 years that constantly underwent major changes. including mass lay offs and new management (12 colleagues were fired including 3 managers, all signed NDAs and we were given no explanation)
Burned out twice in that period, the first was due to mental exhaustion I was forced to return to work ASAP or risked losing my job, which is when I started taking stims just to get through the day. Second was when covid cases started surging and lockdowns were enforced, been unable to work ever since due to sheer stress and anxiety.
Paul! Fellow drummer/aspie here.
Thank you brother! So grateful for your ability to explain this stuff in layman’s terms.
Best to you.
I had an absolutely narcissistic and outright emotionally and mentally abusive guy say he thought he had autism. This was strange because the only symptom he had was sadistic anger. He also gave lots of calculated and sometimes extended silent treatments (keyword calculated). Emotional manipulation was his core constant persona. No stimming, no special interests, nothing, just anger and a need at the time to steer away from others at the time already labeling him narcissistic. Anywho, I do think anger is a genuine symptom for many with autism but I truly think the bulk of us have it INWARD (implode as u mentioned and would rather bear the negativity ourself rather than thrust it on another)...in addition let's not forget Borderline Personality Disorder is a fairly common co-disorder with autism for some.
If a person finds themselves CONSTANTLY in a rage or emotional rollercoaster with heaps of constant emptiness and/or maybe even constantly being accused of emotional abuse by others they should definitely see a professional. I didn't say if u hurt people simply by being blunt or socially challenged that u should seek help...what I'm saying is much deeper than that. Some of us want to pretend that socially "negative" comorbidities with autism (like borderline, even bipolar, etc) don't exist, but they do and if u have these serious things going on please reach out for help and support rather than leaving a constant trail of wounds/brokenness on others around u (and yourself).
Your description of how you implode is exactly what I’ve been doing to myself for years because meltdowns in the past have caused too much damage. Thanks for putting a relatable description around that.
Working on a notebook of Things That Make Me Feel Good and then also Things That Pig Me Off. 😆 It’s making such a difference 🙏🏼
It is sadly true that some people, if they realise that something they are doing is triggering anxiety in you, they will do it more, and even laugh whilst doing it. Very difficult, I have no sure solutions, but hopefully you will get to a place where you can avoid them, or limit the times, so as to make it more bearable. I hope everyone is supported and loved, and gets to be happy and support and love in return. All the best Joseph
Ummm, bucket, No. Tractor trailer amount? Yes. When little things build up, and never get addressed, and lots of others keep getting added in bucket loads. Overwhelmed. Frustrated. And know I am both the problem and solution, but just now learning how. I appreciate thw help you give and helping to put words to issues, as well as learning coping strategies. I wish this info could be part of schooling, churches, and other clos k it groups. Great for conversation starters possibly, as well as having others see this, it may give insight to what family or friends who may be struggling, and may understand a bit better on why. Thank you again.
I am so constantly angry, because I never feel not "anxious" about my surroundings. I try so hard to carve out personal time, but any interruption pretty much empties my bucket of calm. And then whenever I can't communicate with people it gets worse.
It usually stems always from a matter of others being so goddamn subconscious. All they do is subconscious. They drop shit, are loud, slam doors, leave the bin open. I tell em nicely countless times, nothing changes. I beg them to be more conscious by stating "there is always a conscious and an unconscious way to close a door" and they know that I am sound sensitive, but it just doesn't seep through, so I end up feeling like they do not care enough to accept their behaviour and try and change it.
I just wanna go on a mountain and sit there until this all blows over, man.
I have a really complicated relationship with anger to be honest. Trying to even allow myself to admit I’m angry is only now becoming possible. I wasn’t allowed to be angry as a child, so now as an adult, anger is not a fun emotion to feel.
Your videos are such a huge help with my son and I who are both autistic; learning more about how to help both of us is massively helpful. Thank you for your videos!
This has been helpful.
Now i know why i don't drain my bucket. The people around me hold little accountability, partly because they all have their own buckets bordering on full all the time so when they are held accountable they release *their* anger and stress in the form of defensiveness and combativeness, if not outright avoidance.
Every time I watch your videos I'm surprised there's still so much more that resonates with me very very much.
You've "chanelled" a lot of my thoughts and feelings. Learned a lot about myself through the content of your channel. Most valuable one is the fact that I'm not the only one.
Always used to feel like a one-of strange weirdo. Or at least being seen as that by many.
Ditto.
Another "Ditto" from me too. Watching this and other ASD/Aspie channels, I've learned so much about Me, and now I understand why I've felt like an outsider my whole life, and why my brain processes things differently than most other people around me.
Im 49 yr old man, married 25 years. Im undiagnosed, the resources where i live are abysmal. Ive been put on every med in the book for depression and anxiety, anger management classes, the works! My childhood would make you weep, everyone connected to me in my life since birth has done and said the wrong things. Im sick of this existence, the whole world is psychotic to me and my only solid ground is probably leaving me, she's put up with enough. I have never felt so empty and soulless, thanks ASD. Just wanted to vent, not looking for pity, just seeing "the writing on the wall" for my future seems sad.
Hi. I'm sorry it was like that when you wrote the comment. How are things now?
@Anonymous thank you for taking the time to care and your inquiry to my current status has made me reflect and really think...i am still "doggy paddling" along masking most of the time. My wife is hanging in with me as long as i suppress the anger and meltdowns, "no pressure" lol. Not sure how long i can appear "normal" but im tryin even though i know is isnt really solving anything, its just hiding. Its better for the world if i hide this inside me, not all N/T's are bad they are just highjacked out of their higher consciousness. Hows life treating you? I hope it is generous and kind to you. Peace to you and thank you
My daughter is employed in a local elementary school to work one-on-one with a young student who has oppositional disorder and autism. She’s continuously working to help him de-stress by going outside of the classroom and sitting with her to read something he likes, or other ways to relax. She has also begun to give him a small piece of candy (smarties) when he is compliant (gets in line with other kids or sits and participates in class work). The school has these special needs resources for many kids.
Within a minute using a self serve checkout at the supermarket I explode with anger. I get very anxious approaching this area . Then I feel ashamed having to call the shop assistant over.
Best video I have seen in a While. Been angry and didn't even realize it. Thank you for reminding me to strategize
I have been diagnosed with atusim in the past few weeks and i would just like say that i appreciate everything you have put out on the understanding of atusim and how it does effect us. The idea that im not crazy and that im autistic is relieving and terrifying at the same time but you have allowed me to feel closer to reality and i have a much better understanding of myself and past situations in my life. Thank you for being so open and honest about the reality of how it can effect life
I've often been criticized for not being assertive enough. However, when I would speak my mind, it would sometimes come out in an inappropriate "blast" of anger that would make me nervous about being assertive again. Writing as much of my anger and other feelings into a journal has definitely helped.
Something else that has helped me--when someone says something that triggers my anger--is to mentally pause and step back (internally) so that I can take what was said and analyze it later, determine if it really was meant as an insult toward me or if I had misunderstood the comment, etc. If I'd determine it was gaslighting or an insult, I could then deal with it in a more measured and thoughtful way instead of reacting like a berserker. It's not always easy to pause, though, when your fuse has been lit. 😂
This is a very good and helpful video. It is wisdom that we can be able to find appropriate was do reduce and address anger issues that have a way of building up. I never am comfortable in raging out, but mostly choose the imploding route.
Excellent advice in this video.
Omg this area is my lifetime problem - irritation, grumpiness, aggression. I'd love to hear more from you about it. Maybe some stories, interviews. Thanks a lot, Paul🙏
If you are angry it's because the world sucks. You are right.
@@anhaicapitomaking8102 now the world is f*cking crazy, I agree :D Thank you for support! But I try to find balance, not only blame circumstances, try to react adequately.
@@leokot7228 anger is an adequate answer
@anhaicapitomaking8102 anger has its uses, but it's an emotion ppl have trouble using strategically. I channeled mine by picking fights with ppl who deserved it (thought they would assert social dominance over me when I had phaycial dominance). You dont make a lot fo friends that way, but the NTs (typcual chumps they are) don't want conflict. I guess I'm so at home in conflict that socializing regularly bores me.
I get angry when they misunderstand me over over and over again
I totally relate
Hey Paul, just found your videos. Did you live my life? My life had been explained a lot lately. Lots of thanks to you as well.
This is so helpful thank you! I usually implode or just ignore how I feel. I live with my partner now, and he's very understanding. I've never had to cohabit so closely before so I do find that I have a lot of trouble suppressing anger... Taking a moment to myself to understand it, and maybe sharing calmly it in just a few words is a brilliant tip.
I worked with an amazing therapist at Better Help over a 6 month period. After trying to figure out whether the issues throughout my entire life were caused by ADHD, BPD, BD and a plethora of other disorders - all were ruled out. It’s been Aspergers the entire time (very late diagnosis) - huge awakening at which time everything made sense.
This is PRECISELY why I sought help this year. At 55, just diagnosed with ADHD, and likely Asperger's (diagnosis still in progress). My bucket emptying practices have been disrupted in this past year due to life transition issues. These have also greatly increased my stresses. When I am not being heard (seems all too often lately), I do express myself, but it's completely over the top. Sadly, for non-friends and non-coworkers, where I usually let loose, this is actually effective (making a scene) and reinforces the behavior. Well, I let loose on my own, too. Not helpful. I need to get my bucket-emptying practices back!! Thanks for everything, Paul, you've been a significant force in me finding myself.
I'm the same way (anger on the inside) maybe that's why so many of us autistics have stomach ailments....
Apparently it's common for us to have gastric/intestinal conditions like IBS, Coeliac disease, autoimmune gastritis ..... I've got all of them and got the diagnosis prior to being diagnosed with Aspergers/High Functioning Autism ...... might be worth investigating ....
@@trinnyj1451 yes... regardless of anger management... thanks for the reminder...👍
@@trinnyj1451 I wonder if skin illnesses caused by anxiety are more common for us too ? I usually don't conciously recognize my own deep stress state until it erupts on my foot like little anxiety bubbles haha
@@Crouteceleste Anxiety is HUGE for us ... and it exacerbates any conditions or health issues..... I have psoriasis which goes ballistic when I'm anxious/stressed.
@@Crouteceleste during the time my mom was in hospital for cancer surgery, I got the worst case of hives of my life, so I would say yes.
A secret I'm learning to stay entirely clear of this holding-it-in-then-blowing-up cycle (though I don't want to be misleading: I practically never blow up overtly) is this: proactively learn how not to care, I mean genuinely not care, about many things that I might have earlier related falsely to my worth, status, rights, reputation, place and importance in the scheme of things, whether among family, friends or colleagues. Like I said, I am not a person who has classically blown up or exploded at people, but there have been a few instances in the past seven years or so. But even when I don't blow up outwardly, the "volcano" makes itself known inwardly. This deeper way of "not caring" has brought an intense new freedom from me. Yes, there will always be things that are essential to care about, essential to take a stand for. But there's a plethora of things in life I falsely attach that level of importance or urgency to, and I can be hyper-vigilant about how others are relating to it and what it says about me or my contributions to the world. This is what I'm learning to release, to establish my inner identity as thoroughly distinct and "other" from all those things. I guess what I'm talking about is very similar to your sensitivity to the impression of not being recognized, understood, taken into account. I believe you will agree that, like me, what counts to you is not that everybody will agree with your point of view, but that they should hear and understand what you mean, even if they're going to reject it. Ah yes, I'm listening to you now even as I type: yes, implosion. That's what I'm talking about exactly. I've been "imploding" all my life. This is what, now, after the profoundest discovery of my real ASD state, I'm learning even better, more consciously and intentionally, to overcome by being, 1) as clear, distinct, and succinct as I can about what I want to say, and, then, 2) totally letting it go and, as I said, "not caring" where it goes from there. I find that a crucial part of this "not caring" is that I must separate my own inner life from what I imagine or project to be the inner life of others who've heard what I said. I cannot allow myself to carry the fantastical burden of working through what I meant not only for me but also, imaginatively, do their processing for them, too. That's a black hole from which there's just no escape. Intention, clarity, "launching" your sincere contribution, leaving it out there for others to process, and leaving my own inner world free of all entanglement of their (imagined) inner worlds or what they should be feeling/thinking about what I said. All this has helped tremendously.
By the contrary I've learned to care. I didn't see the intentional abuse but I started to spot it and I consider it violence. I don't care what they think about me and my image but I can't just let someone go violent toward me.
Last time I was close to the edge with blind rage I knew I would do something I could never revoke. Don't know what I was gonna do but it was a really bad time. Basically I walked around, brooded about what I was so angry about and relished the idea of revenge while also understanding that it was a ridiculous power fantasy. I think that's how I managed it; I kept in mind that all of my anger was impotent and self destructive and would not help me.
Something i learned recently that helped me identify if I'm feeling something and am approaching full bucket is if i have a harder time feeling a variety of emotions. If not, then I'm not at my real base state
Just found your wonderful, wonderful channel a week ago and am binging your videos. The experiences you describe in this one are so very congruent with my own. What a relief. I have not been diagnosed and probably won't do it as I am a 70 year old, highly masked female in the US, and worry about how the DSM is used here.
I only explode in anger when im very very very stressed out about things and someone is rude towards me. I tend to be calm, easygoing, in my head, and rarely get angry in person, but I tend to bottle up my anger.
I only get angry when people are rude, disrespectful, butthead jerks to me or others, and that sets me off, and makes me mad.
When im angry, I try to assert myself in an aggressive manner, and that can be problematic, because im not being assertive, but im being emotionally aggressive when im standing up for myself. People would laugh, because thats what they wanted out of you, they want a reaction out of you. If you remain stoic, calm, unbothered by it, they will leave you alone.
Yeah but then you get chronic illness from repressed anger.
I totally relate, yu just described me.
Man i needed to have this when i was a kid .
I think imploding wrecks us emotionally and physically. Maybe why I have IBS. I 💖 this video. You nailed it. I struggle with anger and explosions a lot due to my cup running over all the time. I have a lot of resentments too. I didn't use to be this bad but I feel like I can't handle or cope with emotions anymore. Also, I grew up with a dad who would, out of the blue, dump his entire bucket on innocent, unknowing me. It was frightening. Now I "lose my shit" on a loved one. I find working in the yard/garden helps. But I have a long way to go.
6:03 was exactly my situation of being angry explained.
My husband is probably suffering from Aspergers. One of the reason I started to watch videos on Aspergers syndrome is that he's allways stressed, frustrated and often explodes on me. Your video made me realize that there probably is an everyday stress level in his life. I am a vet and have lots of animals, someone who got aspergers would probably get frustrated by them, since they never do what they're "supposed" to do. What on earth should I do to make him feel less stressed?? There's no way I'd give them up.
Headphones
@@azcactusflower1 for me or my husband? 😀
@@eszterkok9370 Him (or both) hahaha
Yes I implode and it had negatively effected me. With counseling I have been learning say things when they need to be, then Implode. This has been hugely helpful!
These videos are so comforting because I know I'm in the presence of my people who are more likely to understand. ❤️ Cheers y'all
I am guilty of this, and it's specifically hard when you are trying to tell people that things make you upset but they don't take it seriously. This is probably because most people already let a little bit of the anger out before the "explosion". However, in my case it doesn't really look like I am angry at this point yet because I lack the body language. And then, when it comes to the point I have enough people are surprised (and sometimes scared) because it all comes out in a short period of time and it looks very intense, almost like a psychotic person.
I don't know what can help to prevent these situations. I try to ask people to stop, I try to get out of the situation but people don't take it serious until it actually happens
I think I have autism idek. I despise my life, feels like a wasted existence. I can’t make people happy, I’m so awkward and weird, it always seems like everyone else knows a secret to life I don’t know. Everyone seems to have normal problems, normal reasons to be angry or upset, etc. Tired of seeing everyone laughing and smiling in contrast to me.
I’m so sad reading this :( hang in there Patrick. It’s not your job to make people happy. There are techniques and different ways to properly regulate your emotions and grow as a person. However I must say sometimes we feel like it is all our fault but often we aren’t surrounded by the right people. There are people who won’t think you’re “weird” and you will be able to form meaningful connections with.
I'm guessing you feel like that because people tell you your reasons for being angry or upset are trivial? They used to tell me that and I believed them for years until I found new people who helped counter that narrative. Please know that whatever reasons you have for being angry or upset they are valid. Nobody has the right to shame you for how you feel. If you ever want to talk further feel free to add me on facebook. Take care.
@@MiaMantri It’s not even that other people mistreat me. It’s just the constant indifference to me that makes me want to blow my brains out. I can’t bring myself to be entertained by other people’s presence because I have no idea how to conduct a fun conversation or just have a good time. I’m boring. Talking isn’t natural for me at all. It’s formulaic and repetitive with nothing to discuss. I’ve got no jokes, I have no comedic timing, my body gestures are weird and dismissive because I’m constantly uncomfortable. Meanwhile I see everyone else communicate a million different things in five seconds with just their face, posture, and a few words and then the person they talk to bursts out laughing. I especially want to die when I see someone who knows how to flirt or make a girl laugh. Hate to sound like an incel but I’ll never be able to do that. I deserve to die. All I do is just go to the gym and push myself as best as I can, shut absolutely everyone out and listen to David Goggins and sermons on the Book of Revelation just begging for it to be the end soon.
@@patricknyman727 even if all that is true you don't deserve to die. You have the right to be you.
This is a new exploration, I’m in clinical psychology, never contemplated being autistic, now I am. Your explanation of the explode versus implode dynamic “perfectly” (with quotes because no two things are the same) matches with the recent experience that led me to be like wth, there has to be something else than adhd going on. As I am learning about autism assessment at at work I started being more exploratory so I am still in the self-diagnosis phases (this is complicated by being in the field and familiar with assessments already) and I am finding that I can relate to a ton of your content right now. I had no point when I started to comment other than to say, damn it is weird to feel “seen” by a stranger I’ve never met in a way that helps to reveal to me something I have been unaware of and struggling with for 32 years now…. Still not ready to confirm the diagnosis, but I definitely can say there are some traits, so thanks for your content, it is really important!
I don't see this as a bucket. I snap when something happens to change my managed peace. I hate interruptions when I am struggling, like an awkward situation driving or multiple noises/conversations competing for my attention.
I am generally calm, I am happy in my own company and can rationalise past situations easily when relaxed. I won't hold grudges or remain angry for any length of time.