I came here to try and understand my own mentality and this makes sense… I’ve been sabotaging relationships for years.. I grew up in the system and at 40 years old I’m finally accepting responsibility for my actions and looking for understanding
So glad to hear this helped you, Raymond, and that you're looking to figure out and move forward in your life :) Please do practice kindness and patience towards yourself and remember that any mistakes you make, does not mean you are unworthy or unlovable - it means you are human who had a difficult starting point! Can I recommend a book I found particularly helpful called 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk. Take care and good luck on your journey - Hannah
Listening that a baby gets shouted or hit or ignored out there when she cries is making me emotional. They can’t do anything for themselves please let’s help them and love them
Hi Janice, thanks for your comment. I am glad it was easy to understand. To answer your question, I might wait till a quieter time (strike when the iron is cold) and start by saying what I saw, "I saw that you ran off and looked scared and upset when I asked you about roast potatoes at tea time." Then I'd wait and see what the child said. In my experience, I wouldn't expect them to respond so I'd have my best guess at what might be going on for the child and would say, "I wonder if you were feeling really scared and confused. It would be so hard if you were feeling like that." I might well leave it there or I might say, "Was it a bit like that or am I way off?" At that point, if I was lucky I might get a nod! I hope that helps, Christina :)
@@CommunityFosterCare I find this quite stupid. So the question posed is "would you like some more roast potatoes" child gets mad and goes off. You then later speak to the child and say "I wonder if you were feeling really scared and confused" So from offering them some roast potatoes you think they were really scared and confused wtf
(Safety placement, 10 month old, drug house) What if I met all her needs, fed, changed, loved on and played with but after showing her attention she wants me to hold her all the time. She will express this by screaming as soon as I stand up. She will get so angry following me around crawling and screaming. Her face will get bright red and she won’t stop. I really do not know what to do. If I pick her up she will stop immediately but if I do that all the time then she will expect it every time. I stay very calm and allow her to cry at my feet while I wash dishes etc. she will stop after awhile but once I move just a little bit she will get upset again. If you have any advise I would be so grateful. I want to be able to show her I love her so much and I’m here for her but that I can’t hold her all the time.
Hi Toshacarter2011 That sounds really hard - your little girl wants to be held by you all the time and, unsurprisingly, you have other things to do, like the washing up. It is tricky to know how much to cuddle our children and when to put them down and it sounds like she gets really upset when you do put her down. It sounds like you are her favourite person! Obviously, I don't know all the things that have happened in her short life and she may just be at the stage that most babies go through where she wants to keep you close. It may be that she has had some scary things happen and so she has good reasons to be worried about not being really close to you. There are things you can try like singing to her whilst she is sitting on your feet or lifting her up to look at what you are doing then popping her back down with a (plastic) cup and plate and a cloth so she can pretend to wash up, just like you. When she is in your arms or on your lap, playing games like peek-a-boo, round-and-round-the-garden and spending time counting her fingers and toes and naming her nose, mouth, ears, tummy whilst you touch them gently or kiss them will also help her to attach to you and feel calmer and soothed. I am sure that this stage will pass and before long she will be toddling and walking around. Christina
My guy friend married someone who grew out of the foster system over time she’s blocked every single person from his life, his family, friends I believe one sister wasn’t blocked. But it’s gotten so bad that she will block those he hasn’t seen or talked to in years from him. I’m worried she’s toxic. What your saying is she could have bad abandonment issues? So he could be the only one she knows loves her so she’s making sure he never leaves? I’m trying to understand. What do you think?
I am sorry to hear about your guy friend. It is great to hear you are thinking about this from the perspective of him and his wife. They are lucky to have such a thoughtful friend. Obviously, I don't know what is going on in this particular situation but it makes sense to feel scared of being abandoned if you have been abandoned and let down many times before. Sometimes, when someone feels out of control and vulnerable in their life and relationships, they may do things that make them feel they are back in control, even if there are negative consequences. It could be that this is what is going on here. - Chris
It's crazy to think that children start learning so much about how their world works so early in life, really eye opening.
I came here to try and understand my own mentality and this makes sense… I’ve been sabotaging relationships for years.. I grew up in the system and at 40 years old I’m finally accepting responsibility for my actions and looking for understanding
So glad to hear this helped you, Raymond, and that you're looking to figure out and move forward in your life :) Please do practice kindness and patience towards yourself and remember that any mistakes you make, does not mean you are unworthy or unlovable - it means you are human who had a difficult starting point! Can I recommend a book I found particularly helpful called 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk. Take care and good luck on your journey - Hannah
Listening that a baby gets shouted or hit or ignored out there when she cries is making me emotional. They can’t do anything for themselves please let’s help them and love them
Thank you for your succinct explanation. God bless you 🌸
Thank you for posting this
Thanks for this valuable analysis
This actually helped my brain a lot. Thank you!
I found this so easy to understand, thank you so much. May I ask how you would respond to the 'roast potatoes' reaction to reassure the child please?
Hi Janice, thanks for your comment. I am glad it was easy to understand.
To answer your question, I might wait till a quieter time (strike when the iron is cold) and start by saying what I saw, "I saw that you ran off and looked scared and upset when I asked you about roast potatoes at tea time." Then I'd wait and see what the child said. In my experience, I wouldn't expect them to respond so I'd have my best guess at what might be going on for the child and would say, "I wonder if you were feeling really scared and confused. It would be so hard if you were feeling like that." I might well leave it there or I might say, "Was it a bit like that or am I way off?" At that point, if I was lucky I might get a nod! I hope that helps, Christina :)
@@CommunityFosterCare I find this quite stupid. So the question posed is "would you like some more roast potatoes" child gets mad and goes off. You then later speak to the child and say "I wonder if you were feeling really scared and confused" So from offering them some roast potatoes you think they were really scared and confused wtf
(Safety placement, 10 month old, drug house) What if I met all her needs, fed, changed, loved on and played with but after showing her attention she wants me to hold her all the time. She will express this by screaming as soon as I stand up. She will get so angry following me around crawling and screaming. Her face will get bright red and she won’t stop. I really do not know what to do. If I pick her up she will stop immediately but if I do that all the time then she will expect it every time. I stay very calm and allow her to cry at my feet while I wash dishes etc. she will stop after awhile but once I move just a little bit she will get upset again. If you have any advise I would be so grateful. I want to be able to show her I love her so much and I’m here for her but that I can’t hold her all the time.
Hi Toshacarter2011
That sounds really hard - your little girl wants to be held by you all the time and, unsurprisingly, you have other things to do, like the washing up. It is tricky to know how much to cuddle our children and when to put them down and it sounds like she gets really upset when you do put her down. It sounds like you are her favourite person! Obviously, I don't know all the things that have happened in her short life and she may just be at the stage that most babies go through where she wants to keep you close. It may be that she has had some scary things happen and so she has good reasons to be worried about not being really close to you. There are things you can try like singing to her whilst she is sitting on your feet or lifting her up to look at what you are doing then popping her back down with a (plastic) cup and plate and a cloth so she can pretend to wash up, just like you. When she is in your arms or on your lap, playing games like peek-a-boo, round-and-round-the-garden and spending time counting her fingers and toes and naming her nose, mouth, ears, tummy whilst you touch them gently or kiss them will also help her to attach to you and feel calmer and soothed. I am sure that this stage will pass and before long she will be toddling and walking around. Christina
My guy friend married someone who grew out of the foster system over time she’s blocked every single person from his life, his family, friends I believe one sister wasn’t blocked. But it’s gotten so bad that she will block those he hasn’t seen or talked to in years from him. I’m worried she’s toxic. What your saying is she could have bad abandonment issues? So he could be the only one she knows loves her so she’s making sure he never leaves? I’m trying to understand. What do you think?
I am sorry to hear about your guy friend. It is great to hear you are thinking about this from the perspective of him and his wife. They are lucky to have such a thoughtful friend. Obviously, I don't know what is going on in this particular situation but it makes sense to feel scared of being abandoned if you have been abandoned and let down many times before. Sometimes, when someone feels out of control and vulnerable in their life and relationships, they may do things that make them feel they are back in control, even if there are negative consequences. It could be that this is what is going on here. - Chris
But as they get older they will realise that one day people will not help you and you will have to help yourself