Thrre have been times when I've completely betrayed who I am because of the extreme circumstances I've found myself in. Lying, harshness, anger, resentment, contempt, positivity... It hurts so much when I think of how crushed I feel when my positivity and love isn't mirrored It makes it hard to remember that I loved him, he's very individualistic. Hes ok with long periods of no contact
My boyfriend is the same. He didn't seem phased when I mentioned I was upset with not seeing him for a whole month (also during our one year anniversary). It's so hard. I don't want to break up with my bf but if he doesn't have time for me; of which we have talked countless times about, there is no relationship. He doesn't seem to fully understand it though.
The amount of compassion and genuine understanding you ladies have gained on neurodivergent traits upon reflection is outstanding. As you rightly pointed out, each individual needs to evaluate their own compatibility and some neurodivergent individuals will have better communication skills and cognitive empathy. Understanding many of the traits does indeed lend more compassion and understanding of behaviors but it doesn't always translate to compatibility for some. I'm sure you will both address that in upcoming episodes... But at the same time it absolutely could lead to possible repair for some. I am always amazed at the ability for some people who are not on the spectrum like you two, to have such a deep understanding of our traits. I'm sure there are days you wonder if having this knowledge beforehand could have saved the relationships or allowed you to avoid them entirely... But I am thankful you are both using your cumulative life experiences and understanding to help others. My husband is absolutely codependent. Luckily our relationship works out great but I do feel like a lot of that has to do with the gender swap. Regardless of what a lot of people believe to be the cause of gender differences (social construct or biological) I think we can all acknowledge they exist. With that said, some of the traits of neurodivergence like inability to make decisions or being a little less mature may be more acceptable for females since we're often not expected to take on a leadership role. I too am less emotional but that almost leads my husband and I to be closer together on that scale as opposed to neurodivergent males with neurotypical females where those differences increase that divide. We obviously still had many of the same issues like me shutting down during difficult conversations and being conflict avoidant, or seeming egocentric for example, that we were able to understand better after my diagnosis. But at the risk of sounding too generalizing of genders (which is not my intention) I do think there is a possible increase of conflict and incompatibility between ND males and NT females than the reverse. Obviously this is not true in every single case that's why I say "generally", but what I'm trying to say is that my heart goes out to all the women who find themselves struggling in similar scenarios.
Thank you for sharing such a detailed response about your own experiences. I agree with all that you have said here particularly that gender does play a role in how partners relate and respond to one another. ND men with NT women is the most difficult combination from my experience because of the emotional divide that you referenced. However, many couples can make it work with education and effort!
Oh my! Thank you, thank you for this! I am 70 years old and recently discovered that I have autism. It has explained everything about my life. Therapy has always been a waste of time. I hope I don't have to wait long to hear part two of this!
Its so refreshing hearing exactly what I'm going through in this video. I've been up at night due to extreme anxiety and unsure of how to talk to my partner since he doesnt seem to emotionally understand what I'm going through as an NT. Unfortunately my bf does not know he has autism(extremely high functioning), so I have no way of approaching the subject of his terrible communication issues and understanding feelings. He has been letting his work take over his whole life (tasking over everything else). I'm lucky to see him once a month. No amount of me trying to talk to him about this issue seems to get through to him though.
I’m glad this video helped you feel understood. I’m actually releasing a podcast episode about autism and dating in the next few days (it will be here as well- YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship podcast). Be sure to subscribe or come back to the channel to listen. My main advice to you is, when dating someone (autistic or not) if their life preferences and commitments don’t align with your wishes and preferences for a relationship, it’s not likely a good fit for either of you. Reflect on if you are in the relationship for what you HOPE it will be or what is actually is. Dating someone for their potential as the partner you want is usually a dead end. It’s painful to walk away when you’re investing time and effort but I work with people who have invested decades and are now suffering significant mental and physical decline because of staying in misaligned relationships/marriages.
Thanks for recommending this podcast to me in our last session. This so rings a bell, specially in my previous relationship. It’s giving me hope that I’ll be able to navigate much better in my current relationship ❤
You ladies blame yourselves too much. Victims of crazy-making. Thank you for the helpful nuggets, but underfuctioners force us into over functioning, especially if we have children to try to make life stable and secure for. That's not codependency or not making ourselves a priority, that's survival.
I agree that underfunctioners trigger overfunctioning, BUT it's ultimately our own responsibility to set boundaries for ourselves. Believing that we are the victims of others without recognizing our own free will to make choices for our wellbeing and for our children without being subservient to the under functioner is the victim mindset in my opinion.
@@JodiCarlton I did not have the resources to keep all the hats spinning, my 3 kids lives "normal", their educations not disrupted, and to keep one step ahead of financial problems where there was an imbalance of power. I had a job but was not able to reach my potential. I'm only one woman. I wanted to figure out how to get a divorce but there was literally no time. You can say we all have choice. Maybe, maybe not. I was in complete survival mode. Most women who are being abused are.
He absolutely was trying to hurt you when he criticized your fitness. He admitted not respecting you for not doing it to his satisfaction. This is emotional manipulation.
I don't think he was trying to hurt me in the beginning of the relationship when he was so literal about what fitness meant to him - and I was not that. It was definitely painful to me but I don't think he understood that he was hurting me. I agree, though, that later in our marriage, it became toxic and harmful - he did know that these types of statements were hurtful and he used them as a passive aggressive (and emotionally manipulative) tool. I think over time he learned to use emotional manipulation as a tool, but earlier on he didn't understand at all.
Thrre have been times when I've completely betrayed who I am because of the extreme circumstances I've found myself in.
Lying, harshness, anger, resentment, contempt, positivity... It hurts so much when I think of how crushed I feel when my positivity and love isn't mirrored
It makes it hard to remember that I loved him, he's very individualistic. Hes ok with long periods of no contact
My boyfriend is the same. He didn't seem phased when I mentioned I was upset with not seeing him for a whole month (also during our one year anniversary).
It's so hard. I don't want to break up with my bf but if he doesn't have time for me; of which we have talked countless times about, there is no relationship.
He doesn't seem to fully understand it though.
The amount of compassion and genuine understanding you ladies have gained on neurodivergent traits upon reflection is outstanding.
As you rightly pointed out, each individual needs to evaluate their own compatibility and some neurodivergent individuals will have better communication skills and cognitive empathy.
Understanding many of the traits does indeed lend more compassion and understanding of behaviors but it doesn't always translate to compatibility for some. I'm sure you will both address that in upcoming episodes... But at the same time it absolutely could lead to possible repair for some.
I am always amazed at the ability for some people who are not on the spectrum like you two, to have such a deep understanding of our traits.
I'm sure there are days you wonder if having this knowledge beforehand could have saved the relationships or allowed you to avoid them entirely... But I am thankful you are both using your cumulative life experiences and understanding to help others.
My husband is absolutely codependent. Luckily our relationship works out great but I do feel like a lot of that has to do with the gender swap. Regardless of what a lot of people believe to be the cause of gender differences (social construct or biological) I think we can all acknowledge they exist. With that said, some of the traits of neurodivergence like inability to make decisions or being a little less mature may be more acceptable for females since we're often not expected to take on a leadership role.
I too am less emotional but that almost leads my husband and I to be closer together on that scale as opposed to neurodivergent males with neurotypical females where those differences increase that divide.
We obviously still had many of the same issues like me shutting down during difficult conversations and being conflict avoidant, or seeming egocentric for example, that we were able to understand better after my diagnosis.
But at the risk of sounding too generalizing of genders (which is not my intention) I do think there is a possible increase of conflict and incompatibility between ND males and NT females than the reverse. Obviously this is not true in every single case that's why I say "generally", but what I'm trying to say is that my heart goes out to all the women who find themselves struggling in similar scenarios.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing such a detailed response about your own experiences. I agree with all that you have said here particularly that gender does play a role in how partners relate and respond to one another. ND men with NT women is the most difficult combination from my experience because of the emotional divide that you referenced.
However, many couples can make it work with education and effort!
Oh my! Thank you, thank you for this! I am 70 years old and recently discovered that I have autism. It has explained everything about my life. Therapy has always been a waste of time. I hope I don't have to wait long to hear part two of this!
Episode 2 will air next week. 😃 I’m so glad this has been helpful to you!
Its so refreshing hearing exactly what I'm going through in this video.
I've been up at night due to extreme anxiety and unsure of how to talk to my partner since he doesnt seem to emotionally understand what I'm going through as an NT.
Unfortunately my bf does not know he has autism(extremely high functioning), so I have no way of approaching the subject of his terrible communication issues and understanding feelings.
He has been letting his work take over his whole life (tasking over everything else). I'm lucky to see him once a month.
No amount of me trying to talk to him about this issue seems to get through to him though.
I’m glad this video helped you feel understood. I’m actually releasing a podcast episode about autism and dating in the next few days (it will be here as well- YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship podcast). Be sure to subscribe or come back to the channel to listen. My main advice to you is, when dating someone (autistic or not) if their life preferences and commitments don’t align with your wishes and preferences for a relationship, it’s not likely a good fit for either of you. Reflect on if you are in the relationship for what you HOPE it will be or what is actually is. Dating someone for their potential as the partner you want is usually a dead end. It’s painful to walk away when you’re investing time and effort but I work with people who have invested decades and are now suffering significant mental and physical decline because of staying in misaligned relationships/marriages.
Thanks for recommending this podcast to me in our last session. This so rings a bell, specially in my previous relationship. It’s giving me hope that I’ll be able to navigate much better in my current relationship ❤
Where can I find the sequence of the videos?
It’s in the podcast playlist. Here ya go: Podcast: YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship
th-cam.com/play/PLSyXJdjUav7pSwpq7nmSdEQZMwiI3eqHR.html
You ladies blame yourselves too much. Victims of crazy-making. Thank you for the helpful nuggets, but underfuctioners force us into over functioning, especially if we have children to try to make life stable and secure for. That's not codependency or not making ourselves a priority, that's survival.
I agree that underfunctioners trigger overfunctioning, BUT it's ultimately our own responsibility to set boundaries for ourselves. Believing that we are the victims of others without recognizing our own free will to make choices for our wellbeing and for our children without being subservient to the under functioner is the victim mindset in my opinion.
@@JodiCarlton I did not have the resources to keep all the hats spinning, my 3 kids lives "normal", their educations not disrupted, and to keep one step ahead of financial problems where there was an imbalance of power. I had a job but was not able to reach my potential. I'm only one woman. I wanted to figure out how to get a divorce but there was literally no time. You can say we all have choice. Maybe, maybe not. I was in complete survival mode. Most women who are being abused are.
He absolutely was trying to hurt you when he criticized your fitness. He admitted not respecting you for not doing it to his satisfaction. This is emotional manipulation.
I don't think he was trying to hurt me in the beginning of the relationship when he was so literal about what fitness meant to him - and I was not that. It was definitely painful to me but I don't think he understood that he was hurting me. I agree, though, that later in our marriage, it became toxic and harmful - he did know that these types of statements were hurtful and he used them as a passive aggressive (and emotionally manipulative) tool. I think over time he learned to use emotional manipulation as a tool, but earlier on he didn't understand at all.