Thrre have been times when I've completely betrayed who I am because of the extreme circumstances I've found myself in. Lying, harshness, anger, resentment, contempt, positivity... It hurts so much when I think of how crushed I feel when my positivity and love isn't mirrored It makes it hard to remember that I loved him, he's very individualistic. Hes ok with long periods of no contact
My boyfriend is the same. He didn't seem phased when I mentioned I was upset with not seeing him for a whole month (also during our one year anniversary). It's so hard. I don't want to break up with my bf but if he doesn't have time for me; of which we have talked countless times about, there is no relationship. He doesn't seem to fully understand it though.
The amount of compassion and genuine understanding you ladies have gained on neurodivergent traits upon reflection is outstanding. As you rightly pointed out, each individual needs to evaluate their own compatibility and some neurodivergent individuals will have better communication skills and cognitive empathy. Understanding many of the traits does indeed lend more compassion and understanding of behaviors but it doesn't always translate to compatibility for some. I'm sure you will both address that in upcoming episodes... But at the same time it absolutely could lead to possible repair for some. I am always amazed at the ability for some people who are not on the spectrum like you two, to have such a deep understanding of our traits. I'm sure there are days you wonder if having this knowledge beforehand could have saved the relationships or allowed you to avoid them entirely... But I am thankful you are both using your cumulative life experiences and understanding to help others. My husband is absolutely codependent. Luckily our relationship works out great but I do feel like a lot of that has to do with the gender swap. Regardless of what a lot of people believe to be the cause of gender differences (social construct or biological) I think we can all acknowledge they exist. With that said, some of the traits of neurodivergence like inability to make decisions or being a little less mature may be more acceptable for females since we're often not expected to take on a leadership role. I too am less emotional but that almost leads my husband and I to be closer together on that scale as opposed to neurodivergent males with neurotypical females where those differences increase that divide. We obviously still had many of the same issues like me shutting down during difficult conversations and being conflict avoidant, or seeming egocentric for example, that we were able to understand better after my diagnosis. But at the risk of sounding too generalizing of genders (which is not my intention) I do think there is a possible increase of conflict and incompatibility between ND males and NT females than the reverse. Obviously this is not true in every single case that's why I say "generally", but what I'm trying to say is that my heart goes out to all the women who find themselves struggling in similar scenarios.
Thank you for sharing such a detailed response about your own experiences. I agree with all that you have said here particularly that gender does play a role in how partners relate and respond to one another. ND men with NT women is the most difficult combination from my experience because of the emotional divide that you referenced. However, many couples can make it work with education and effort!
Oh my! Thank you, thank you for this! I am 70 years old and recently discovered that I have autism. It has explained everything about my life. Therapy has always been a waste of time. I hope I don't have to wait long to hear part two of this!
Thanks for recommending this podcast to me in our last session. This so rings a bell, specially in my previous relationship. It’s giving me hope that I’ll be able to navigate much better in my current relationship ❤
There’s a lot of gold in this conversation. Thank you. I think one of the biggest problems is understanding the principles of it. Intentional versus unintentional. ASD largely are unintentional when they hurt a Neurotypical. But that does not absolve them of the responsibility of the hurt they inflicted. It would be like someone accidentally stabbing you, you’re bleeding out, and they say, but I didn’t mean to, so it’s OK… Fair enough you didn’t mean to, but I’m still bleeding out. But the ASD, because of hypersensitive criticism and an inability to cognate emotional empathy using relative perspective, will dismiss and dissociate while the Neurotypical is left bleeding out feeling as though they’re the problem because they’re still hurting yet are told their partner’s disability makes it ok - Not only by the partner, but by society now. 27 years married to an ASD wife and still married. It’s so hard to continue most days as I tend to be completely walled off to all of it so I don’t get hurt. It is only when divorce is on the table that I become her special interest. We are one week out from the last chance I will ever give her being vulnerable with my heart. It’s worth it to me because I really love her and she isn’t a bad red flag person. She just has red flag problems in relationship that will mostly likely end our marriage.
I know your experience resonates with a lot of others - it's so difficult when cognitive empathy is impaired. I don't agree with society that partners of an autistic person should just deal with it. Autistic individuals are accountable for making an effort once they've learned about the differences in the partnership. Some people, however, (both NT and ND) are incapable of making the effort (or of it being enough). Sometimes this is neurological or developmental and sometimes it's personal preference or willingness. Bottom line though - your life is in your own hands. Take care of it.
@@JodiCarlton thank you for responding to my post. I’m a PA. We found out my wife was autistic about 4 years ago. While our entire marriage has been rough, full of neglect and hurtful comments… the last 4 years have been so much worse. I think it was a relief to my spouse to not have to mask, but it came as at a very high cost. I’ve been researching ND relationships and ASD traits for the last year in efforts to put myself in the right frame of mind. I had enough a week ago in spite of personal research and therapy. She has asked me to try one last time and things have been going well. I am still very cautious and skeptical as I understand the difference between compliance and acceptance. Often the ASD will learn to comply when forced to choose between their comfort and the unknown. For her, she will choose to comply with my boundaries vs having to find her own way in life without me. But this is not what I want as I understand her heart may not be in it. That being said, I believe given enough time, the new routine will produce acceptance. At least that is what I am leaning into atm. I think any change in routine for someone with ASD, comes with the fear of loss. In truth, change does come with loss which causes resistance. Have you seen ppl with ASD getting “worse” after their diagnosis or is it the NT’s frequency bias at work?
The concept of “worse” is in the eye of the beholder. From your wife’s perspective, life may have improved because of her new insights about autism resulting in less masking. For you, the differences in your brains that result in vastly different needs, expectations, energy levels, emotional regulation, and executive functioning may have become more “obvious.” I suspect they were already really obvious to her (thus why she was masking). The future of your marriage is now about figuring out your new normal and discerning if you are actually aligned. Compliance, as you said, is not healthy, but some degree of compromise is. It’s a matter of what you each are capable of. Keep in mind it’s not your wife’s job to be more like what you need OR yours to be more of what she needs. Take a look at who you both actually are and see if there is enough alignment for you both to feel satisfied in your marriage. I encourage you to listen/watch my podcast! There is a playlist here for the podcast and it’s on all major platforms. I have guests who are both autistic and neurotypical - the series this spring with Mona night be particularly useful.
@@JodiCarlton thank you for the insight. I will definitely check out the podcast from this spring. I appreciate all you are doing for us in ND relationships. It’s hard to find good information that isn’t biased towards NDs or NTs but y’all have such a good balance. Wishing you and yours the best. Keep up the great work. So many are in need of y’all’s expertise and compassion.
Its so refreshing hearing exactly what I'm going through in this video. I've been up at night due to extreme anxiety and unsure of how to talk to my partner since he doesnt seem to emotionally understand what I'm going through as an NT. Unfortunately my bf does not know he has autism(extremely high functioning), so I have no way of approaching the subject of his terrible communication issues and understanding feelings. He has been letting his work take over his whole life (tasking over everything else). I'm lucky to see him once a month. No amount of me trying to talk to him about this issue seems to get through to him though.
I’m glad this video helped you feel understood. I’m actually releasing a podcast episode about autism and dating in the next few days (it will be here as well- YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship podcast). Be sure to subscribe or come back to the channel to listen. My main advice to you is, when dating someone (autistic or not) if their life preferences and commitments don’t align with your wishes and preferences for a relationship, it’s not likely a good fit for either of you. Reflect on if you are in the relationship for what you HOPE it will be or what is actually is. Dating someone for their potential as the partner you want is usually a dead end. It’s painful to walk away when you’re investing time and effort but I work with people who have invested decades and are now suffering significant mental and physical decline because of staying in misaligned relationships/marriages.
You ladies blame yourselves too much. Victims of crazy-making. Thank you for the helpful nuggets, but underfuctioners force us into over functioning, especially if we have children to try to make life stable and secure for. That's not codependency or not making ourselves a priority, that's survival.
I agree that underfunctioners trigger overfunctioning, BUT it's ultimately our own responsibility to set boundaries for ourselves. Believing that we are the victims of others without recognizing our own free will to make choices for our wellbeing and for our children without being subservient to the under functioner is the victim mindset in my opinion.
@@JodiCarlton I did not have the resources to keep all the hats spinning, my 3 kids lives "normal", their educations not disrupted, and to keep one step ahead of financial problems where there was an imbalance of power. I had a job but was not able to reach my potential. I'm only one woman. I wanted to figure out how to get a divorce but there was literally no time. You can say we all have choice. Maybe, maybe not. I was in complete survival mode. Most women who are being abused are.
He absolutely was trying to hurt you when he criticized your fitness. He admitted not respecting you for not doing it to his satisfaction. This is emotional manipulation.
I don't think he was trying to hurt me in the beginning of the relationship when he was so literal about what fitness meant to him - and I was not that. It was definitely painful to me but I don't think he understood that he was hurting me. I agree, though, that later in our marriage, it became toxic and harmful - he did know that these types of statements were hurtful and he used them as a passive aggressive (and emotionally manipulative) tool. I think over time he learned to use emotional manipulation as a tool, but earlier on he didn't understand at all.
Thrre have been times when I've completely betrayed who I am because of the extreme circumstances I've found myself in.
Lying, harshness, anger, resentment, contempt, positivity... It hurts so much when I think of how crushed I feel when my positivity and love isn't mirrored
It makes it hard to remember that I loved him, he's very individualistic. Hes ok with long periods of no contact
My boyfriend is the same. He didn't seem phased when I mentioned I was upset with not seeing him for a whole month (also during our one year anniversary).
It's so hard. I don't want to break up with my bf but if he doesn't have time for me; of which we have talked countless times about, there is no relationship.
He doesn't seem to fully understand it though.
The amount of compassion and genuine understanding you ladies have gained on neurodivergent traits upon reflection is outstanding.
As you rightly pointed out, each individual needs to evaluate their own compatibility and some neurodivergent individuals will have better communication skills and cognitive empathy.
Understanding many of the traits does indeed lend more compassion and understanding of behaviors but it doesn't always translate to compatibility for some. I'm sure you will both address that in upcoming episodes... But at the same time it absolutely could lead to possible repair for some.
I am always amazed at the ability for some people who are not on the spectrum like you two, to have such a deep understanding of our traits.
I'm sure there are days you wonder if having this knowledge beforehand could have saved the relationships or allowed you to avoid them entirely... But I am thankful you are both using your cumulative life experiences and understanding to help others.
My husband is absolutely codependent. Luckily our relationship works out great but I do feel like a lot of that has to do with the gender swap. Regardless of what a lot of people believe to be the cause of gender differences (social construct or biological) I think we can all acknowledge they exist. With that said, some of the traits of neurodivergence like inability to make decisions or being a little less mature may be more acceptable for females since we're often not expected to take on a leadership role.
I too am less emotional but that almost leads my husband and I to be closer together on that scale as opposed to neurodivergent males with neurotypical females where those differences increase that divide.
We obviously still had many of the same issues like me shutting down during difficult conversations and being conflict avoidant, or seeming egocentric for example, that we were able to understand better after my diagnosis.
But at the risk of sounding too generalizing of genders (which is not my intention) I do think there is a possible increase of conflict and incompatibility between ND males and NT females than the reverse. Obviously this is not true in every single case that's why I say "generally", but what I'm trying to say is that my heart goes out to all the women who find themselves struggling in similar scenarios.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing such a detailed response about your own experiences. I agree with all that you have said here particularly that gender does play a role in how partners relate and respond to one another. ND men with NT women is the most difficult combination from my experience because of the emotional divide that you referenced.
However, many couples can make it work with education and effort!
Oh my! Thank you, thank you for this! I am 70 years old and recently discovered that I have autism. It has explained everything about my life. Therapy has always been a waste of time. I hope I don't have to wait long to hear part two of this!
Episode 2 will air next week. 😃 I’m so glad this has been helpful to you!
Thanks for recommending this podcast to me in our last session. This so rings a bell, specially in my previous relationship. It’s giving me hope that I’ll be able to navigate much better in my current relationship ❤
There’s a lot of gold in this conversation. Thank you. I think one of the biggest problems is understanding the principles of it. Intentional versus unintentional. ASD largely are unintentional when they hurt a Neurotypical. But that does not absolve them of the responsibility of the hurt they inflicted. It would be like someone accidentally stabbing you, you’re bleeding out, and they say, but I didn’t mean to, so it’s OK… Fair enough you didn’t mean to, but I’m still bleeding out. But the ASD, because of hypersensitive criticism and an inability to cognate emotional empathy using relative perspective, will dismiss and dissociate while the Neurotypical is left bleeding out feeling as though they’re the problem because they’re still hurting yet are told their partner’s disability makes it ok - Not only by the partner, but by society now. 27 years married to an ASD wife and still married. It’s so hard to continue most days as I tend to be completely walled off to all of it so I don’t get hurt. It is only when divorce is on the table that I become her special interest. We are one week out from the last chance I will ever give her being vulnerable with my heart. It’s worth it to me because I really love her and she isn’t a bad red flag person. She just has red flag problems in relationship that will mostly likely end our marriage.
I know your experience resonates with a lot of others - it's so difficult when cognitive empathy is impaired. I don't agree with society that partners of an autistic person should just deal with it. Autistic individuals are accountable for making an effort once they've learned about the differences in the partnership. Some people, however, (both NT and ND) are incapable of making the effort (or of it being enough). Sometimes this is neurological or developmental and sometimes it's personal preference or willingness. Bottom line though - your life is in your own hands. Take care of it.
@@JodiCarlton thank you for responding to my post. I’m a PA. We found out my wife was autistic about 4 years ago. While our entire marriage has been rough, full of neglect and hurtful comments… the last 4 years have been so much worse. I think it was a relief to my spouse to not have to mask, but it came as at a very high cost.
I’ve been researching ND relationships and ASD traits for the last year in efforts to put myself in the right frame of mind. I had enough a week ago in spite of personal research and therapy. She has asked me to try one last time and things have been going well. I am still very cautious and skeptical as I understand the difference between compliance and acceptance. Often the ASD will learn to comply when forced to choose between their comfort and the unknown. For her, she will choose to comply with my boundaries vs having to find her own way in life without me. But this is not what I want as I understand her heart may not be in it. That being said, I believe given enough time, the new routine will produce acceptance. At least that is what I am leaning into atm. I think any change in routine for someone with ASD, comes with the fear of loss. In truth, change does come with loss which causes resistance. Have you seen ppl with ASD getting “worse” after their diagnosis or is it the NT’s frequency bias at work?
The concept of “worse” is in the eye of the beholder. From your wife’s perspective, life may have improved because of her new insights about autism resulting in less masking. For you, the differences in your brains that result in vastly different needs, expectations, energy levels, emotional regulation, and executive functioning may have become more “obvious.” I suspect they were already really obvious to her (thus why she was masking).
The future of your marriage is now about figuring out your new normal and discerning if you are actually aligned. Compliance, as you said, is not healthy, but some degree of compromise is. It’s a matter of what you each are capable of. Keep in mind it’s not your wife’s job to be more like what you need OR yours to be more of what she needs. Take a look at who you both actually are and see if there is enough alignment for you both to feel satisfied in your marriage.
I encourage you to listen/watch my podcast! There is a playlist here for the podcast and it’s on all major platforms. I have guests who are both autistic and neurotypical - the series this spring with Mona night be particularly useful.
@@JodiCarlton thank you for the insight. I will definitely check out the podcast from this spring. I appreciate all you are doing for us in ND relationships. It’s hard to find good information that isn’t biased towards NDs or NTs but y’all have such a good balance. Wishing you and yours the best. Keep up the great work. So many are in need of y’all’s expertise and compassion.
Its so refreshing hearing exactly what I'm going through in this video.
I've been up at night due to extreme anxiety and unsure of how to talk to my partner since he doesnt seem to emotionally understand what I'm going through as an NT.
Unfortunately my bf does not know he has autism(extremely high functioning), so I have no way of approaching the subject of his terrible communication issues and understanding feelings.
He has been letting his work take over his whole life (tasking over everything else). I'm lucky to see him once a month.
No amount of me trying to talk to him about this issue seems to get through to him though.
I’m glad this video helped you feel understood. I’m actually releasing a podcast episode about autism and dating in the next few days (it will be here as well- YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship podcast). Be sure to subscribe or come back to the channel to listen. My main advice to you is, when dating someone (autistic or not) if their life preferences and commitments don’t align with your wishes and preferences for a relationship, it’s not likely a good fit for either of you. Reflect on if you are in the relationship for what you HOPE it will be or what is actually is. Dating someone for their potential as the partner you want is usually a dead end. It’s painful to walk away when you’re investing time and effort but I work with people who have invested decades and are now suffering significant mental and physical decline because of staying in misaligned relationships/marriages.
Where can I find the sequence of the videos?
It’s in the podcast playlist. Here ya go: Podcast: YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship
th-cam.com/play/PLSyXJdjUav7pSwpq7nmSdEQZMwiI3eqHR.html
I feel like this is less informative and more like a therapy/venting session for Mona.
You ladies blame yourselves too much. Victims of crazy-making. Thank you for the helpful nuggets, but underfuctioners force us into over functioning, especially if we have children to try to make life stable and secure for. That's not codependency or not making ourselves a priority, that's survival.
I agree that underfunctioners trigger overfunctioning, BUT it's ultimately our own responsibility to set boundaries for ourselves. Believing that we are the victims of others without recognizing our own free will to make choices for our wellbeing and for our children without being subservient to the under functioner is the victim mindset in my opinion.
@@JodiCarlton I did not have the resources to keep all the hats spinning, my 3 kids lives "normal", their educations not disrupted, and to keep one step ahead of financial problems where there was an imbalance of power. I had a job but was not able to reach my potential. I'm only one woman. I wanted to figure out how to get a divorce but there was literally no time. You can say we all have choice. Maybe, maybe not. I was in complete survival mode. Most women who are being abused are.
He absolutely was trying to hurt you when he criticized your fitness. He admitted not respecting you for not doing it to his satisfaction. This is emotional manipulation.
I don't think he was trying to hurt me in the beginning of the relationship when he was so literal about what fitness meant to him - and I was not that. It was definitely painful to me but I don't think he understood that he was hurting me. I agree, though, that later in our marriage, it became toxic and harmful - he did know that these types of statements were hurtful and he used them as a passive aggressive (and emotionally manipulative) tool. I think over time he learned to use emotional manipulation as a tool, but earlier on he didn't understand at all.