Sex in an Autistic Relationship
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ต.ค. 2024
- Many different variables influence the #autistic couple's #sexlife. #Communication is critical for connection. Discover how to minimize misunderstandings and improve your sexual intimacy.
#neurodivergent #intimacy #autismlove #neurodiverserelationship #jodicarlton
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👩💼 Hi, I'm Jodi Carlton, a leading world expert on adult #neurodiverserelationship dynamics and interpersonal #communication. I am a seasoned professional with 20+ years of experience as a #therapist and #relationshipcoach specializing in #autism, #ADHD, #anxiety, #depression, and #abuse. I am #trauma certified and trained in Accelerated Resolution Therapy and hypnosis.
MY PERSONAL STORY: Although I have professional counselor education and training, my life experiences in my own neurodiverse marriage, as a parent to my #autisticdaughter and #adhd son, and my relationships with other neurodiverse family and friends have been my personal training ground. I am also a survivor of narcissistic abuse and have experienced the narc abuse cycle in multiple relationships. I have battled and healed from the codependency that results from having an abusive childhood.
QUIZZES: I have developed customized quizzes for you to identify traits of neurodiversity as well as toxic personality traits in partners. Take a free quiz at: jodicarlton.com
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COACHING: My mission is to help you get clarity about yourself and your relationships to make informed choices, heal from your own pain, and improve your overall quality of life. I coach individuals, couples, and families worldwide using a solution-focused approach that results in life-altering answers and real change.
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My wife of 18 years left me. Said she was tired of the roller coaster ride. I didn't take it very well. She blames me for everything. I've had to do a lot of soul searching these last few years trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Because it is like you said, it feel likes I'm from another planet. My ex and I are no longer on speaking terms. She absolutely believes that I'm a narcissist or something and that I say and do things to deliberately hurt her or something. I would never do that, it breaks my heart that she would even think that. I think she only put up with me as long as she did because we had 4 children together. I'm pretty much a recluse now and I never really considered autism until just a few days ago. I just kind of stumbled upon it. But it pretty much explains my whole life, whereas before I was trying to self diagnose for all kinds of stuff but none of them really fit the bill quiet like this one does. Now watching your video it makes me think about the hell I must have put her through. She was always good to me, until she wasn't.
I’m 39 and discovered I was autistic last year. Growing up I just chalked my different behavior up to introversion and anxiety - that didn’t explain my complete inability to make relationships work though. Not only couldn’t I make them
Work but I didn’t really get much from them . Basically they felt like working a second full time job but without a paycheck at the end. I spent so many years masking and draining myself just to blend in. For the life of me I do not understand how any men with autism get married and/or have kids.. that would require a reservoir of energy that I simply don’t have - oh and the forced socializing would end me
Thank you for sharing your experience and I know it must have been so confusing for you (and her too). Keep learning everything you can. Autistic traits are neurological and are not inherently “bad.” These traits can make it difficult to understand or recognize the perspective of others. Being neurotypical (not autistic) is not the “right” way to be either so blame just hurts everyone. We live in a world together so the goal is to understand ourselves better in relation to others so we can also understand them better.
Did you tell her about this? That you are autistic? She should know probably. So the resentment goes down...especially if the separation affected your children. Just a tought. Im 34, female and i absolutely blew up all my relationships.
We aren't on speaking terms anymore. And I doubt she would believe me anyway. @@etcwhatever
You have described what I’m going through, my wife has left me a few weeks ago, I found out I was autistic back in March, but the damage has been done with my wife, she doesn’t want to work at the relationship and has left. I’ve been blamed for everything, I’ve been told I gaslight her as well.
She is my world, she has been amazing, but now feels enough is enough.
We don’t children together, which maybe makes it easier to leave.
I’m now at my lowest I’ve ever been and still trying to understand autism, which has clearly impact my whole life, without me knowing I was autistic.
Thanks for sharing your post.
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s as a kid. I’m pretty high-functioning in some ways, much less so in others. But sex fascinates and terrifies me at the same time. I’ll be 37 in a few weeks and haven’t even been kissed. I live with my parents and work an unfulfilling dead-end job and feel I’ll never be motivated. I WANT to be intimate with someone, but doubt I ever will.
This describes my relationship with my Ex husband. There was never any connection. No matter how I tried. I looked back into his school one day. I found old report cards he saved. He also has ADHD. The report cards always described how is interaction with others. He's definitely neurodiverant.
thank you so much for posting this video! i am asexual and possibly autistic (undiagnosed) with a lot of sensory issues. my partner has a high sex drive, is autistic, and struggles a lot with reading people/being gullible. we've been working hard to make our relationship as healthy as it can be and videos like this help us grow and learn even though we havent been able to afford coaching in person.
I'm an Aspie/autistic and also gay. My partner always complains I don't want sex but I've never told him that I absolutely hate it when he looks into my eyes. I do sex for him, I don't really enjoy it. I mask during sex to try to satisfy him, I rarely finish which annoys him sometimes but some aspects of sex are incredibly difficult to fake and just go through the motions, especially when you're a man. When I get sex my way he says he feels used because there is no kissing, no talking and no eye contact. I communicate love through touch but my partner hates me "stroking him like a dog".
My biggest barrier trying to satisfy him though is when he asks "tell me a dirty story". I can't do it. It's an impossible request for me. I try, but focus on the wrong things and tell it in a robotic rythem and tone.
This a good example of how personal preferences and neurology can make an impact on sex. It's often best to talk about what you each like and don't like when you're NOT actually having sex. There is not a right or wrong way to have sex, but because sex involves vulnerability (I mean we're giving a partner very intimate access to our body) many people feel hurt if a partner doesn't want sex in the same way. Talking about it in a neutral moment can help with finding things that you both like and can share. I do think it's important to tell him that eye contact is really hard for you and also that telling "dirty" stories is just not something you can do. Not everyone is wired that way and that's okay!
All the same with my partner. He never kisses, he "strokes me like a cat" as I say 😊 and no eye contact, no talks. I am always so dissapointed , he just cannot feel howI feel. I wish I can leave him, I amso hurt by now and have so much resentment.
@avonalim3617 why on earth would you resent something you cannot change?
I’m coming to terms that my partner might be on the spectrum. Lots of sensory issues which is why I’m here.
Sensory issues can be present without autism so definitely take some time to discover other traits and characteristics by watching my other videos. Glad you’re here!
I'm autistic and my NT partner has more of a sensitivity to touch then I do (in the sense he's very ticklish, I usually tickle him just by hugging him). He isn't sensitive to things like Lights, Textures, Sounds and Smells like I am though.
Im autistic and i wonder that probably i have a high sex drive. I regret leaving my first boyfriend. He was also autistic (i wasnt aware that i was also at the time). Things couldve been different. We were perfect in intimacy. My ex fiancé called me nymphomaniac and shamed me. I dont think 3 or 4 times a week is a lot. I was also not touchy feely and invasive of my NT ex space. I just gave him hints. Idk its like we can never get it right. Something i cannot tolerate is bad body odor. I need someone clean. I love smells. Good smells. If a man smells good it enhances my attraction towards him 😅😅😅
I’m glad to hear that you are no longer with a man who shamed you. 3 or 4 times a week is definitely not excessive. Some couples have sex 2 or 3 times a day. Others only have sex a few times a year. There is not a “right” or “wrong” sex drive.
@@JodiCarltonIf I was in a relationship, being restricted to only a few times a year would drive me completely insane. I've been single for a long time, but I do want to get married someday, and in my opinion a regular sex life is very important for that. People who avoid it because they're afraid, or otherwise deem it as unimportant...that just seems messed up, at least to me.
I read your fine, serious comment ... then wondered what was so funny using 😅😅😅 at the end.
Shaming you is not okay.
Me and my ex also initiated sex by verbal verification. She used to call me saying "Are you horny? Would you like to come over?" I wouldn't feel comfortable by non-verbal communication only - not during sex either. We both lived soft caressing (not on the genitals until at the very end) for half an hour before sex though.
Having a high libido and wanting sex often is two different things though. I masturbate pretty much every day, but I prefer to have sex one or two times a week. (...when I have a partner, that is.)
my x has asbergers and he was a porn addict and never wanted sex with me because he said porn was easier it hurt me so bad because i have a high sex drive and my x husband also was the same
That is so painful Suzy. Addiction of all kinds is so hard and destructive. Porn addiction that robs intimacy from a couple disconnects and devalues the relationship. Porn is easier for the addict because the dopamine hit and sexual release that feels so good involves no effort at all with porn. However when we choose to be in a relationship, effort is a requirement. When a partner wants the benefit of a relationship without a willingness or motivation to make an effort, the relationship is going to suffer and likely fail at some point. Neurodivergence is no excuse for lack of effort. Effort begins with a willingness to problem solve with a partner.
Same thing I also experienced with my soon to be ex husband.
my ex husband was.addicted to porn and told me sex with me was boring. ...I'm here because my current husband is an on the spectrum and we barely have sex....less than my first!
At least yours admitted it mine lies and lies and lies and neglects like every need I’ve expressed to him ❤
My late husband had Aspbergers and sex was always an issue. Before we were married he spent alot of time with sex workers in Nevada. I never felt really connected when we were together
So helpful. Needed to hear all of this. Thank you.
I'm so glad this was helpful for you. Thank you for commenting.
This is a really good video. The communication part is key right now. I'm just (maybe) starting out in a new relationship. I've also recently discovered I'm autistic and am rethinking my communication style. My maybe partner seems a little insecure and has a tendency to feel criticized or not accepted when I try to communicate my feelings and what I want, as if I was saying he did something wrong (which he hasn't). I'm trying to be honest and open up front. I'm looking for information or inspiration about that aspect of communication.
Yes, this antagonistic dynamic you are talking about really ruins a relationship. Me and my ex had good quality sex, but we were treating each other as enemies sometimes and we never connected emotionally. Eventually you don't want to have sex anymore.
An example: I was on my way to her in the buss. She had just called me and asked me if I could come to her place so we could have sex. I wrote an sms about my needing to pee that badly. (We are both autistic.) When I arrived she was furious because I had ruined the atmosphere with my sms asking me if I would find it arousing if she had told me that she needed to poop. I sat down in the sofa while she was doing stuff with her dogs. I was in a state of shock. After a while she came back without any underwear on asking me whether we should do it. I replied that yes, if we can have a warm-up first. (I needed us to reconcile and reastablish a soft feeling.) Then she asked me how long time that would take. That probably meant that she was still a bit annoyed and also a bit frustrated having to wait for sex - not a positive feeling at all, so I jokingly said something about how many hundreds of seconds it would take (mening that I needed to be close to her and some intimacy - not just cold sex and also, I would need that to relax and get in the mood to get an erection.) Then she furiously said something I don't remember and runned away to another room.
I like the topic but had to dislike the video because it's chock full of ads. Not a pleasant viewing experience.
I hated the ads also for anything on TH-cam. I'm telling you $10 to create an account to get TH-cam ad free... Is well well worth it. You can put two members on one account No ads and you can also play videos or listen to songs without your phone being on ! I'm a TH-cam junkie best investment I've ever made 🙏🏾
Something I've been struggling with is changes in my sex drive. Since I started actively healing from cptsd i have gone from hypersexual to pretty much asexual. Nothing seems to get me going anymore and it's worrying me. How can get it to just sit at a healthy level?
I highly recommend somatic therapy if you have not already received treatment. It is a form of therapy for cptsd that helps the body release the trauma (not just the mind). It can really be helpful for sex drive challenges like you've described.
Try DNRS
I can’t help the laughter Iam resent
I am learning that my wife may be on the spectrum and want to know how do I join this group?
Hi! Here is a link to our Facebook group - facebook.com/groups/aspergersrelationship/
Nope, advising porn is bad advice.
Not in every case. You have to be careful when you use it
@@JohnDoe-ef3wo In every case. It unhealthy for the women who get groomed into it as children. It’s unhealthy for the men who are paid to make it. It is unhealthy for the brains of those watching it. Porn is unhealthy for everyone involved.
I agree that most porn sites are horrible and it’s tricky to find anything but the awful sites that are abusive toward women. However there are some sites where consenting couples upload videos of themselves - more like sexual share sites. These can be helpful and useful for visual learning and demonstrating techniques and ideas.
@Neurodiverse Relationship Coach "PORN" is kind of a broad term. Some is unnecessary raunchy, but some is couples guiding individuals, with intimacy and sexual issues..
We just assume it's all the same thing, because most adult entertainment is the super vulgar type.
@@JodiCarlton So basically "amateur" stuff instead the typical "(semi)professional" stuff that most associate?
How do you know the schedule when this is live?
I am not doing live streams at the moment, but the best way to get announcements and updates is to subscribe to my email list. Visit me online and complete the contact form asking us to add you. JodiCarlton.com
Please tell me. Why does my ASD partner not good at initiating sex??
This can be due to so many different things. Sometimes initiating of any kind is difficult due to being unsure of how, when, and where. Initiating is an “executive function” of the brain that is commonly a struggle. So sometimes a ND person just won’t initiate even when there is desire. It could also be related to a need for routines and difficulty with spontaneity. Your partner may not be aware that you wish for this. There may not be a clear understanding of what sex means to you. Conditions may need to be ideal for your partner to enjoy sex (smells; sounds, light, but also mental/physical energy levels). So many variables! Try discussing it in a non-confrontive way. Instead is starting with “why don’t you initiate…” start with “what are your preferences for (how, when, etc.”
My partner asks me this all the time. I find it incredibly difficult to know when is the right time. He says he's been hinting and giving me clues but, literally, I've noticed nothing. I've tried initiating but I always get it wrong and get pushed away. I think as an Aspie, experiences like this can give you a kind of all or nothing mentality. If I can't do something all of the time (like initiating) I will do nothing. this has caused us some issues in our relationship but it's hard to break out of this kind of black and white thinking.
They are great in the beginning when they are alll fake obsessed in love with you … then you become old and boring to them and they treat you like trash literally ❤
Jazzy. I agree and have seen this fleeing love with men. ASD autistic men will get a new woman as a shiny new toy and after few months. They are bored and end it. Men go cold. So Leaving women frustrated.
This is what we want, but the kissing and/or ingesting stuff as a #vegan and for the animals benefit as well as ours, is our worry and with specific people, if not person(s)?
I had very bad and painful experience with my husband
I'm very sorry to hear this. Sexuality in mixed neurotype relationships are often so confusing and painful because of major differences in expectations, and difficulty communcating needs. :(
Bf for me it’s hell
Goodness gracious, where are they all come from? It seems like every second person is on the spectrum in now days. Like a new pandemic
I understand how it could seem that way! Actually we’re just recognizing what this traits have been all along in previous generations. Neurodivergence is definitely quite prevalent. I see it in generations because the traits are hereditary. In my own family we see it in every generation as far back as we have memories of family members. When I ask clients about family, there is always a parent, child, grandparent, uncle or sibling, etc, with similar traits. Now we have a framework for these traits.
i mean, that observation you “feel is true” would only be concerning to you if you thought being autistic was inherently bad or evil. you ever heard of the trend in left handedness? might wanna check it out
@@ellievampmtf very interesting. No I don’t think they are evil, but extremely difficult to get along. Very selfish and rude. Maybe that’s my experience 🤷♀️
@@irinahawk9560the appearance of selfishness and rudeness is down mostly to the fact they struggle to understand other people's feelings and needs. somebody with autism can put in 100% of their effort trying to make somebody else happy and still come across as uncaring, selfish and rude. They're screaming inside because they want to show how much they care but they can never achieve it. It's horrible, the constant rejection feels like abuse because they're trying so hard but always doing the wrong things.
there's probably information out there that could help but it's knowing where to find it and how to apply it in a realistic way.
My experience too. Also not willing to look for a solution or even slightly interested in it.@@irinahawk9560
I found out my love of my life has HFASD. He's been lying all of our marriage. I found out he's been flirting with young women, lusting constantly with any woman sitting across the table during our entire marriage. he's very addicted to lusting. Our marriage is ruined after 39 years 😢 The lying and exaggerating never stops even after I call him on it and he agrees and says he will stop. I feel like his mother bc I have to tell him to close the door, to go to bed when he's falling asleep when we have a guest, etc. He is a completely different person with others when I am not present. He doesn't talk to me like he does with others. I feel incredibly lonely and angry that his family never told me. They knew he was different. He never had friends and never dated in high school. I met him when he was 27. I just thought he was a nerd. He was very kind and affectionate which I had never met anyone so kind. Now, he's goid to me until someone joins us. Then, he acts like I'm a bad person, like his parent. Whatever that person says is right and I am left defending myself against both of them. His mother said to me a few times over 39 years "he does whatever you tell him." I didn't understand it but when I finally started researching some behaviors and tested it out, she was right...to my dismay. Now, I'm angry and broken hearted...I sm always annoyed in my attitude toward him...I dont know how to act or cope. I just want to run away.
I feel for you and can also some what relate I wish I never got with mine ever but Gods plan not mines I guess I’ve never been so depressed lonely and in most of the time a living hell with. I hope for anything to ever get better I’ve tried to leave it’s been impossible he doesn’t accept any responsibility or accountability for hurt he has cause me it’s fueled me in to coping worse then I was when I met him anything to just escape my pain neglected in all aspects of my life and I have God and it’s the only thing keeping me going I pray you feel good in life and God removes his painful memories from you and you meet a good man ❤