So if we just discuss something with someone and we’re not planning on asking for something from them, but they volunteer it and then they don’t do it. In my opinion. I never asked for it nor did I want it when somebody offers it says they’re gonna do something to me. That’s not keeping your word with someone and that’s bothersome because then your words and action stone. If I’m in a relationship with someone I just express that you know I like to look nice but I really don’t have the money to get my hair done. Somebody needs to take care of it or fix it nor should they unless that’s something they wanna do. . I guess in today’s society, we can’t even express how we feel or what our needs are things we wish we could do because then it seems like manipulation. Can you explain that more? ?? I don’t believe in asking for help from people because we create our own situations, but if somebody wants to help us and they do that, I think that’s classy as hell, but not many people want to do that because they’ve been burned too bad in life and I understand that too. It’s easier to get money or things from people. It’s a lot more difficult to get true honor, integrity love, and somebody that’s rock solid loyal to you. I keep trading what everybody else wants for the real thing and it’s not working. …. Maybe this time ???
Hello Sir, what if the person dry begging happens to be your adult child who appeared to be somewhat normal before serving in the military but now displays some issues possibly with depression or maybe even mild PTSD or mental illness but has never been addicted to drugs or alcohol substance abuse? How would your recommend a parent handle this type of situation? Thanks for your time & consideration in advance. Your response is greatly appreciated. Have an amazing day Sir.
@@d.robbins-green7212 Eye Represent God = Hydrogen = Sun 🌞 of God = Jesus = Holy Trinity = Protium, Deuterium, Tritium = All That There Is All That They'll Be = I = Me = You = We = The Light and The Dark = Alpha And Omega
My husband will always ask, "Do we have...?", as a way to get me to retrieve anything. I think it was a way to avoid having to 'lower' himself to being thankful. He once asked, "Do we have any water?"while standing in front of the sink! For my first time (took me almost 15 years to realize this ploy), I responded with a "No, we are fresh out, so you need to go down to the lake with a bucket"!😂
My ex would hold up his empty glass and say " I'd take another drink if someone would get me one " I finally answered back " I'd fill someone's glass gladly if they'd just stop rudely holding it up in the air " 🤣😂
Lol. I had a guest in my home once say to me "Funny, somehow the glasses at home are bigger!" when what they *actually* wanted to do, was asking me to refill their drink. In this person's defense: I'm talking about a seven-year old boy, which made it super cute. I think I'd be less enamored with a grown man behaving like this.
Same here. My sister does this. For years I would offer all types of assistance (with no reciprocity and would be met with "I never asked you to do that"). Now I've stopped offering assistance when she drops hints. This puts her in a position to have to ask directly if she wants/needs something. However, when I don't respond to her hints the way she wants (by offering assistance) she gets vindictive (but in a passive aggressive way). She would rather resort to this than ask directly for what she wants but I just continue to stick to my guns. I didn't used to understand why she does this because there's no need as I've always shown willingness to give a helping hand. However, upon reflection I realised that it's an issue of control. When we ask someone directly for something it puts us in a vulnerable position and them in a position of power as there's always a possibility that they could say no. However, by manipulating the other person, not only is it more likely that we get what we want (if we're skilled at manipulation and the other person doesn't catch on) but we can absolve ourselves of any responsibility as well (as in reciprocity/gratitude etc.). It's basically disrespectful and selfish behaviour.
Really? Seriously??? 😐. How about in a realtionship? Why do we need to ask for a kiss or sx or someone to follow thru??? Yikes. I just thought guys paid for dinner and bought flowers or little gifts here and there and I didn’t think we had to ask ???? That sounds messed up to ask! It’s like a demand. If I’m talking to someone about how expensive it is to get my hair done that doesn’t mean that I’m begging them for money. I’m sure some people look at it and do that, but that was not my intention. Now I wonder if that is what he thinks!!! I had no idea that saying stuff which is difficult and sharing life would be a bad deal. My bff and I shared everything and with new friends I have been told to get a shrink! I have a few friends that we can share anything and thank God. I miss the old days where people were not manipulative and people were real! I wonder if this is why he didn’t do what he said he would do to help make my life easier. He has offered me money numerous times and that just feels so wrong! I do t want his money. I want his heart! Ugh!!! Now I truly wonder if this is why he has acted so weird with sharing some things but he has no idea the whole story. Only a few know the whole messed up story. Soon I’ll be out so if he judges me this way then only well. I’m not responsible for people assumptions and I’m not assuming he thinks this way just possibly and something to be concious of
@@Portia620 It sounds like you're not understanding this dynamic. When you're in a romantic relationship you naturally and spontaneously do things for each other. My bf may know that I like a certain bracelet and he may surprise me with it because he wants to make me happy and likewise I may surprise him with something I know he likes or wants. This is not what we're talking about here. Here we're talking about manipulation. In terms of asking for help, it's happened that at times I've been offered help as a result of mentioning something (because that's what the other person thought I was doing) but I let them know that that I wasn't asking for assistance even though sometimes I ended up accepting their offer of help. However, I then reciprocated (or paid them back when the help was money). Other times I've declined offers of help because it's not what I needed. Either way there's is a transparency about it. However, when manipulation is involved, there is no transparency, reciprocity or gratitude and when a person uses guilt, shame, victimhood or fear to get you to give them what they want, you can be sure that manipulation is at play rather than if you just merely mention an issue in passing. For example once I was telling a friend that I was having trouble finding anyone who would rent to me without a guarantor. She offered to be my guarantor even though it hadn't even crossed my mind (and I told her so). I said that I would only accept her offer if I didn't manage to find an alternative solution. I did end up finding a solution and therefore didn't need to accept her generous offer. However, when someone is manipulating you the goal is to get you to do what they want. There's a difference. Also, when someone uses manipulative tactics, they assume others may be doing the same when they merely mention things. This happens with my sister. When I talk about issues in my life she thinks that that I'm dropping hints and hoping that she'll help and will outright say she can't help me even though that's not what I was doing. She can't fathom/see the point in normal interaction unless it's to get something from the other person (in a sneaky way).
My sister was an expert at dry begging, now that she is older and not able to manipulate people with her looks and "naivete" she has become a hostile angry person who I avoid at all cost.
@@Portia620, "I just thought guys paid for dinner and bought flowers or little gifts here and there and I didn’t think we had to ask ????". You sound very entitled to me!
@@Pandatwirly sometimes they explode in anger and ask for what they want by telling you what they were hoping you’d offer in their best victim voice. Then it’s, I’m not in a position to do that. That would require a lot of thought. I’m already overwhelmed (by your BS). So sorry. Hope you have some other plans. Then they angrily give you the space you need. It is perfect. I wish I’d learned how to say this earlier and to be ok if someone’s mad at me.
@@marybethmiranda3037 Start in small ways. Turn down small requests. Or just jump right in with a nice, big "No." It's amazing how fast you get really, really good at saying no.
@@karenabrams8986 Being OK with their accusations and anger is 90% of the battle. It belongs to them, not you. If you see a fire hydrant spewing water into the road you drive around it, you don't go stick your face in it. Takes time to learn to leave problems where they are and not hitch your wagon to that star.
It's so hard when your BPD/NPD mother programmed you from an early age to feel responsible for her. But I will try to repeat this as a mantra to myself.
@BanjoPixelSnack I highly recommend also protecting yourself energetically from people like this. A good friend told me this to create a protection shield around you. Think of arch angel Michael, visualize him standing behind you and wrapping you within his wings, your completely surrounded by hos wings and his energy of safety. I'm an empath and I do this consistently as to not absorb any negative, toxic or victim mode type energies. If your dealing with someone who does this and other manipulative tactics, its very important to protect yourself. Everything is energy, and we want the good stuff not the stuff that can affect us negatively or question our self.🤗
Dry begging isn’t just a narcissism thing. Scapegoats can do this too. It generally comes from a place of feeling like they’re going to be torn to shreds for asking, put down, belittled, or made to suffer in one way or another. Same thing but for the total opposite reason. I truly think it’s important to acknowledge that. The scapegoats who do this don’t need to be seen or treated as a narcissist, they need to be gently shown they are safe to ask, and maybe how to actually do it. You’ll know which is which by their reaction when you either ignore their begging or call it out. Narcs generally get mad, scapegoats tend to feel mortified/embarrassed.
Agreed, I was once on the edge of losing everything, & wanted help but was too embarrassed/ humiliated to ask outright, fortunately some people understood and helped as best they could, mostly by loaning me a vehicle till I could get another one & also by giving me rides to work, thank God for them !
@@ericschulze5641 I’m sorry you went through that, but I am very glad to know some good people had your back. We all need help now and then, and we are all worthy of it.
The difference is when a scapegoat dry begs, you don't feel like you're obligated to help them. You just feel like they're generically complaining. Not expecting you to rescue them.
My parents both had a wonderful saying when people tried this: "Things are tough all over! Yep, yep. Well, good luck." And then my dad would sometimes launch into all the help HE needed, until they got so bored they gave up. I learned a lot of good stuff from that guy.
There's a simple solution to this. If help is offered you can either graciously turn it down and let the person know that you weren't asking for help or, if you do need the help, accept (even if it wasn't your intention to solicit help). If you accept help then you let them know that their offer is appreciated and that you will pay them back or reciprocate when the opportunity arises (and keep your word). This isn't manipulation just mutual give and take that can be a part of a healthy relationship/dynamic. I like to help people (no strings attached) but not when I sense someone is attempting to manipulate me into it. It's easy to spot manipulation when you know what to look for. Manipulators use guilt, shame, victimhood and fear to get their way. Sometimes it's subtle but it gets easier to spot with practice. Manipulators are takers. Their aim is to get what they want without directly asking so that they don't have to take responsibility. It's a one way street. They often are ungrateful and turn a deaf ear when you need anything from them (even if you ask directly). As long as you keep your interactions transparent and a two way street then there's nothing wrong in speaking about problems and accepting any help that may be offered (if required/appropriate).
I made friends with someone like this at church. The very first time we met her and her children was at a picnic at a church member's house. So this lady had just moved from California to Florida. She went on and on about how they didnt have money to bring all their furniture. Their new living room was empty, bla bla bla. They needed this and that. She never -asked- for anything, but many good-hearted christians heard her and responded generously filling her home with furniture. I gave her children my desktop computer when I bought a new one. They moved into a beautiful neighborhood into a 4 bedroom 3 bath home with a screened in built in pool with a lovely view on a pond. Yet she always POOR-MOUTHED. "We are too poor for this or too poor for that." They went out to eat often. They bought things. My husband said its like she is fishing and her comments are BAIT to see whom she can HOOK. So one day her little girl was complaining about how poor they were. I said, "You live in a beautiful big house with your own bathroom and your own bedroom. You have a built in swimming pool. Your neighborhood has curbs and sidewalks with lovely entrances. So even by the living standards in the United States, many people would consider you as RICH." The little girl looked shocked! So this lady, my friend (supposedly), told me that a wealthy new lady at church owns a second home up in New York. She sort of whispered to me, "I think she is going to GIVE me that house!" I wondered how in the world a person would just offer her a house. Who just gives away a house to someone they just met??! How much poor-mouthing had she been doing to this new lady? In the end, after being her friend for about four years she dumped me. I called her one time crying about a health scare and ask for her prayers. She brushed me off like a bug and couldn't have cared less. She hung up quickly. When they went on a ONE YEAR VACATION they travelled to different little churches and her husband would speak. She told me they collected THOUSANDS of dollars from these little churches. I wonder what sob story they had to illicit such monetary gifts?! These churches were small, humble, pentacostal groups... Not rich churches. Yet they raked in the dough $$$. Who can quit their job and afford to go on a one year vacation with your wife that does not work and three children? Now I realize that she is a skilled SOCIOPATH.
The worm turns, is the Old English saying: I wonder if she's still in Florida? With all the destruction, I hope she had a wake up call? If not RIP. It's sad how many people get " taken" by these sorts. My hope is that the people of Florida can be blessed .❤
Omigosh I was just about to post a similar story about someone in my church many years ago. Good Christians are regularly taken for a ride! Some folk hinted that all with that person was not as I thought but they never went into any detail so it was a few years before I really understood what was going on.
Someday if you are seriously ill or in dire financial straits, you may come to regret that. If you have not built up a good will network of community around you, you’ll be stuck. The answer is not to NEVER help anyone. It’s to be discerning about who to help and why.
@@elliottwade1901new to me too 👍🏼, but the experience certainly isn’t new! I’ve lived with a person like this in my family my whole life - now I have a word for the behavior.
"Are you asking me to help you with that?" Would be an AMAZING way to get them to own up to what they are trying to finagle out of you. Staying on topic and forcing them to verbalize it without jumping in to help. God, I wish I had had this tool in my tool bag from early on in my life.
@@angelausa3269 My mom used to use that on me all the time. Now I just go "okay" and go on my way. If she insists on being miserable and bad at communicating, that's her choice. I won't be dragged down into being miserable as well.
I tried that and it got thrown back in my face. "Why do I have to beg you for (whatever)?" I said, "Because I don't know if you are just mentioning it, or whether you want me to do that for you." "Well, figure it out, " would be his response. There is no point in arguing with him. I always come away feeling like I just got sprayed with manure.
I'm one of these and find it very hard, because I have to suppress my natural need to talk things over because it's usually interpreted as asking for help when I'm not. Probably there's something else wrong with me to cause this but I haven't found it yet.
@@faithful451i know what you mean. I'm kinda like that. It may help to be explicit about what you ARE asking for help with. Just ask them if you can vent to them and just logic through the problem with them, and ask them for what you need: advice? Listening? Non-judgement? There's no need to insist you aren't asking for help when you are, but YOU define what that is and people won't think you want something you don't.
I never knew there was a term for this. When they hint about money in this way it’s usually designed so they don’t have to pay it back, ‘I didn’t ask you, you offered’. Family members are notorious for this.
@ This has nothing to do with them being poor, it’s all about using people. I’ve had to sell empty soda bottles out of the trash to go and buy peanut butter, never would it have crossed the “dry beggars” minds to lend a hand in my hour of need. It’s always the same ones who give and the same ones who take and the takers do not care about anyone else’s needs.
I know exactly what they're doing when they're "dry begging". My response to them is "daaamn, that's crazy. Good luck with that." I then remove myself from the situation (e.g. hang up the phone, or make an excuse to leave) before they try to guilt-trip me. I've noticed that if I attempt to give them ideas on how to solve the problem (without offering my resources/finances), they will knock back every suggestion and tell me why that wouldn't work. This makes it even more obvious that they have no interest in solving their own problems and want me to offer money (or whatever). Which is why my response in the 1st paragraph is my go-to response.
Thank you for this term. My brother often complained about problems that he was having and I adopted a tactic of suggesting solutions he himself could pursue only to hear the same complaint repeated on my next encounter with him. After my partner and I helped him move from one city to another he actually later stated that he had never asked us for our help as though it were a matter of pride to him. Thank you for your videos.
My sister is like this. I've realised that one reason she behaves this way is so that she can have the upper hand (control: when we ask for something directly there's always a chance the other person could say no) and to not take any responsibility (because she didn't ask for the help).
It's interesting how they suddenly disappear when you address it directly and say no. After professing they'd never dream of asking for anything, of course.
Even after I moved out in Jan 2023, I was still giving my husband money until about 3 months ago. I don't make a lot of money, so I'm not a bank. All this after carrying us almost our entire relationship. I had enough. I told him, " The bank of (my name) is closing." I didn't zelle anymore money to him no matter how much he complained and whined about being out of groceries. I had seen inside his fridge, he had food. He just wanted money for alcohol. Big surprise, he thinks we should divorce now. I didn't know it was called dry begging, but if it were a talent, he'd win first place.
Wow! What an excellent explanation of a toxic, unhealthy behavior that has been in my life for the entirety of it. It is a diabolical manipulation tactic that you should get and stay away from by any means necessary. I have learned to accept being seen as selfish or whatever they choose to call me. I prefer to be in peace and away from toxic behaviors…
It's ironic that we are seen as selfish when we don't give into this kind of manipulation when it's this kind of toxic behaviour that is selfish. My sister does this. For years I would offer all types of assistance (with no reciprocity and would be met with "I never asked you to do that"). Now I've stopped offering assistance when she drops hints. This puts her in a position to have to ask directly if she wants/needs something. When I don't respond to her hints the way she wants (offering assistance) she gets vindictive (but in a passive aggressive way). She would rather resort to this than ask directly for what she wants but I just continue to stick to my guns. I didn't used to understand why she does this because there's no need as I've always shown willingness to give a helping hand. However, upon reflection I realised that it's an issue of control. When we ask someone directly for something it puts us in a vulnerable position and them in a position of power as there's always a possibility that they could say no. However, by manipulating the other person, not only is it more likely that we get what we want (if we're skilled at manipulation and the other person doesn't catch on) but we can absolve ourselves of any responsibility as well (as in reciprocity/gratitude etc.). It's the ultimate selfish behaviour.
@@shinebabyshine. I'm glad it was helpful. I forgot to add that being called selfish is also a guilt trip/manipulation. Only a giving person is bothered by being seen as selfish and the manipulator knows this. They are the selfish ones. Manipulators are takers and are only concerned about getting their way regardless of how it may affect you. They are quite happy to wound you as long as it gets them what they want and if confronted they'll deny that's what they've done (this is also why being indirect serves them).
@@anta3612are you me?!😂. Same sister! Oh geez. And when I give (a co-op apartment for example) she is unappreciative and complains about it constantly. No win situation. I’m just discerning her narcissism and this kind of puts the icing on it.
I stumbled on this video at random - I wasn't even looking for anything on any topic related to this at all, but I found it fascinating. I have a long time friend of nearly 30 years who is not a narcissist, but is a fentanyl addict. He does this constantly. Of course all of his financial problems are due to all of his money going to his addiction, and he talks about it all of the time as if the cosmos have conspired against him. Every day is some fantastical set of circumstances "out of his control" (definitely NOT his drug addiction) and it's obvious he's hoping I'll offer him money or solve his problems for him. I listen and lend a sympathetic ear and then ask him what he's going to do about it. Needless to say, I don't hear from him much anymore.
Thank you for that last comment. I was in a Narcissist Marriage for over 25 yrs. And I was his slave. Anytime I asked for something I needed, i was either told they were too busy.. or the promise to do it was broken. So I learnt to do without or do it myself. And if i was unable to do it myself. I became a Dry Begger. And now I find it very difficult to ask directly for a need. Not a want. A need. Its heartbreakingly frustrating I am learning how to be more assertive and more direct with ASKING. And if its No is Ok. And Yes is great!
Hi , I can relate, nearly 40 years I was with mines, ppl say why didn't you just get out of it , and I say look at his police record, if I even dressed of getting away, he would have killed me, and tried to many a time, 1 time was in Spain, and thankfully they had guns , we were slaves now we are warriors, we survived on bare essentials. Keep Lifted Blessings
Right there with you, @LisaDonaldson-m8h , it’s funny how we had to make him think it was his idea so he could think of himself as observant, thoughtful, and generous, right? But if you asked directly it was ignored or shamed. And God help me if I told him “no” ever. I was young and there was no TH-cam or TikTok to tell me that these things were red flags. 😭😤
@@polymathica oh very much agreed with.. if we said "No's to anything! Getting used to going without was the norm. If I asked a mutual friend or a neighbouring or tried to hire someone else to do the chore. That was "needed ' not a WANT! I was then accused of being Impatient or CHEATING or undermining him. After all.. He said he would do it
Brilliant vid. Very eye opening. As a people pleaser I often like giving... usually my time & it's never reciprocated. However because of vids like this & similar, it helps me spot Users, Abusers & Narcissists. I am so much happier & stronger now.
This is something my mother mastered. She apparently taught my brother well as he took over when she passed. I no longer feel obligated to respond as I found out that my brother makes in a week what I make in a month. But of course I'm the pampered princess since I work hard, save hard, and have more to show for it.
All my four sisters & one brother, do this. Once you put up boundaries to their victimhood…….otherwise known as; not giving them the attention, life becomes peaceful. I haven’t spoken to them for 17 years & it’s liberating, not being bound by family dynamics, just because you are ‘family’ I owe them nothing & I do not want or have any needs from them or anybody.
My mother (I was her sole carer, till she died) was, now I believe a narcissist and could be very difficult to deal with at times. One example was when she looked out of the window at our hedge, burst into tears and said : Oh! look at the hedge! It is has not been cut! People will think nobody lives here anymore! *Sob* *Sob* *Sob*. Needless to say, I went out to cut it as she then settled down with a cuppa and watched the tv. She has gone now, and, sadly, I cannot say I miss her. Caring for her for all those years was a huge burden and those who have done similar with a very difficult person will know exactly what I mean
My mother does this with her leaves. "They look terrible!" "Yeah, you better hire somebody to do something about that." Seriously, I work ten hour days, and I paint at night, and have my own lawn and gardens to care for. Which wouldn't necessarily be an excuse, but the last time I did all that, I didn't even get a thank you. Hire somebody.
My mother was more like, if you didn't snap to attention the millisecond after she asked you to do something she'd heave a great sigh and go "don't worry I'll do it myself!" Years later I call her a martyr and she did not like that at all, lol she got triggered
I'll stick with the official term so that one term can identify one type of action. Poor mouthing Weaponized helplessness Good ones, but I wanna use this term (which I think isn't as good as the others) that professional mental health professionals use so that others could look up the term and information and education can spread. ❤
I've been around people that whine a lot about 'all' their problems. When you suggest a solution, they get mad and basically say they don't need anyone telling them what they need to do. None of them really wanted a solution other than having me help, or an excuse to complain.
Easy to fall into trying to help. Before offering anything I ask them, "How I can help? Do you want ideas, or do you just need to vent? I'm happy to make suggestions or lend an ear."
@@MyBeautifulHealth, holding space for someone who complains constantly about their 'problems' (especially the same 'problems', over and over again) is an invitation for them to drain one of time, energy and emotional reserve on an ongoing basis. What they really need is professional assistance, and a willingness to change their own behaviour.
@@jevans1805 if someone merely wishes to vent, it's up to them to communicate that, not take the other person for granted. Some of the worst examples of this that I've seen have been in the workplace, where it can really sour the atmosphere and lower morale if not taken off to an appropriate setting.
This video just broke my heart. To know that someone did this to me and i helped. And i believed i was helping only to now know i was completely taken advantage of by someone i truly cared for. 🤢🤮
Same here! And I really cared for the guy. Spent a fortune on him when I had just survived several disasters and was so poor, I had to ask a charity to help me buy a new washing machine! After I helped, he got so abusive I had to cut him out of my life completely... that was the last straw. I'll never show an interest in anyone again - not romantically anyway. Forget it, that train has departed.
Been there, got the t shirt. Found out he had three other people he was giving his sob story. He had more money than all of us combined. Fed him for three years while he was supposed to be getting back on their feet.
Finally! I knew i have been somehow manipulated, but now, 2 years later, i have a label for it. Thank you! It s not just a garden variety of emotional manipulation, but quite sophisticated and confusing. They bring you to the edge, nudge you, but let you make a decision to jump
OOOHHH I've never heard this term until now, and you described my mother perfectly. She is the MASTER of this! She would never ask directly because that would be too vulnerable.
Darren, I have been such a victim of this! I'm so glad I watched because this is gaslighting. I haven't seen you before, so I am going to subscribe. Thanks so much! Bev from Brooklyn
New term for something I have seen. Mom was especially good at this. It fit so perfectly with her expectation that we would, should, read her mind. And comply. Sigh.
Historically women, children, and disabled people haven’t had control over how resources are spent. Socialization of girls still reflects this. It’s considered rude to be direct for people with less social standing. Many families are still patriarchies even when women work.
@@paulbuckle8459 I’m saying women are still socialized not to make the decisions and to be indirect even when they do create the resources. And even when they don’t work outside the home, many women and people with disabilities do unpaid domestic labor in the home. Even if they can’t work at all, like children and many elderly people, they still have needs and trying to get those needs met is human. It’s not necessarily narcissism or entitlement.
Some people who see themselves as powerless-and have resentment about it-get to be really skillful manipulators. They easily recognize who are most vulnerable and exploit them mercilessly.
@@chrislamarca5719 i mean that’s true, of course. let’s not treat powerlessness itself as a mindset when its a material condition that many experience and its sad if they have to manipulate others to get their needs met. The powerless do roll over and die but its unrealistic to demand it
Exactly. 50% of the people who do this need it. Ask yourself if the person needs it, or if they're just envious/lazy. Saying "there's lots of homeless resources " is you being a dick. However, for example, "I wish I had a coat like that" is them being a dick, assuming this isn't family or a spouse.
Hi Pamela me too , I had a neighbour I was friendly with , she would turn up asking for advice and playing dumb , I often did what she was asking about often picking something up from somewhere or sending something through the post and wanting a certificate of postage and sometimes in many times in summer she would ask for suggestions on what to plant and would I get some plants for her she knew damn well that I would give her some of my spares as I grow a lot and when to take them round, she said oh dear how do I do it? And it took me quite a few years of digging them in myself and then thinking I’m just been taken for a mug here, which was so I stopped it
Thanks for putting a name on this. I've fallen for it, and one of the worst feelings is that you've fallen for it and know you have because "... what if I'm just being selfish? " Greatly appreciated.
Dry begging works like magic with people pleasers.I saw a narc in action and I was dumbfounded.He didn't even have to ask and that thing he was after was difficult to get for the owner.His body language was incredible an deadly effective.
Yes, unfortunately I have become an analytical thinker rather than an emotional thinker and I know what decisions are best for me. No hate in my heart, but moving forward.
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn I’m reading the book called, “Blink”. It discusses analytical thinking and intuitive knowing. I think they’re both important. It doesn’t discuss emotional thinking. The book discusses how we make decisions.
It took me many years to figure this one out. Thank you for giving it a name we can call out. It’s not only narcissists that dry beg, it can also be mildly employed by close friends and family too. Good call on repeated behaviour as a guide line.
This used to be me until I realised I was being taken for a fool. I'm still generous with my time, money and possessions and help when and if I can. However, I no longer offer help unless directly approached or asked. It's basic respect to allow the other person to refuse your request rather than trick/guilt trip them into it by relying on their kind and giving nature (and given the cold shoulder when they need a favour in return: not that I ever do anything with the expectation of getting something back).
You’re only a sucker if you’re unaware. If you made the conscious decision to do it. Own it, stop letting people spook you…being good to someone is not a weakness.
@@AngelAPAVLOVSCornDog You can still be a good human being without succumbing to manipulation. If you're aware of this manipulative tactic just ask them directly if they're asking for help. If they say yes then you can decide if and to what degree you can/are willing to help and take ownership of that. On the other hand, if they say no, then don't help (boundaries). By asking for a direct response/request you are getting them to take responsibility for themselves and they can't then turn around and claim that they never asked (which is often what they'll do).
Thank you for this great description of dry begging. It explains perfectly what bothered me throughout a toxic 'friendship'. I couldn't define the behaviour then, there was so much other behaviour I hadn't met in my life before [thankfully], so much dissonance, I was so confused. I'm 16months out of it now and gaining info and healing, forgiving myself. I'm angry. I hope I never meet another narcissist in my life. Knowledge is power. Just wish I'd known all this a long time ago.
If I see it, I ALWAYS make them ask. For my time, money etc. Because when it comes time to return the favor, they always want to weasel out saying "But you offered".
Exactly! My sister does this and I've stopped falling for her manipulation. However, she still refuses to ask directly for what she wants and gets vindictive (in a passive aggressive way) when I don't respond to her hints.
I never knew it had a name. My mother does it all the time. I’ve sometimes pretended it’s gone over my head and I don’t offer what she’s looking for. Then she gets really angry because it hasn’t worked and all hell breaks loose!
My mother is a master at this! I would constantly overhear her lying to relatives about her troubles, so they can send her money. She would also claim I abandoned her to fend for herself when she actually lives with me, and I take care of her 24/7. She is mentally ill, so I don't expect her to change her behavior. For people who are poor at managing their resources, nothing will ever be enough.
I have totally seen this in action with my narc mother and sister. I didn't know it had a name. I usually just pretend like I didn't hear them or just ignore the "hints". But because they do this they also think that everyone does it. For instance I was once said to my Mom, "I need to water my plants" and she said "I'll do it later". I did not want or need her to water my plants, I was just making a statement. Sheesh. Very annoying. Thank you for your very informative videos.
@@TwisterTornado you're referring to healthy women's communication vs men's/narcissistic communication? Because I also have a narcissist mom, but I would say she communicates differently than most women I know.
@@TwisterTornado should he? He's talking about a mental disorder, not healthy communication. Sure, there are gender differences in mental health, the symptoms as well as perception, but I'm honestly trying to see how it's relevant here. And I'm always seeing gender differences 😂
@@TwisterTornado did you think I implied they weren't? I understand your concern with overuse of a clinical word, however, I kinda think something else is happening. Remember how like 10-15 years ago, everyone overused "depressed"? And now, the stigma is way less and people understand it better? Tbh I think that's what's happening here, as well as seeing the similarities in men's behavior.
This is the first time I've heard of dry begging, but by no means the first time I've encountered it. Thank you for your very clear and helpful explanation. It makes sense of so much that I experienced with my very narcissistic brother. Over time I eventually learnt to be less responsive to his hints, which really riled him. He started to portray me as 'always angry', which I took to mean 'less able to be manipulated'!
I appreciate this video. I have spotted this in others and... try to avoid doing this myself. The best I have done with avoiding falling into this pattern is to either... preempt my rants with, " I am not asking for anything" or when listening, to at some point ask "Do you just want me to bear witness or do you want me to offer suggestions or assistance?".... but, I still fail a lot
I try to only vent on my support groups or with my FEW friends who vent reciprocally as needed. Safer this way. No need to explain that I am not asking for anything other than a kind “ear” nowadays. And they know I am willing to reciprocate.
@@sallybella8824 most definietely ....but when you realize that every action has an opposite and equal reaction, understanding the traits of others gives you a valuable reference point in order to start looking for the OPPOSITE trait within you. i wasn't aware of the depth of the issue until i could objectively see the narcissistic/ toxic traits within my family... now i see the 40 years of games. Im aware of the word salad, manipulation, gas lighting and dry begging and finally processed not only how i react...but WHY i react the way i do and have since corrected the CONDITIONED behaviours that bound me into the narcissitic abuse. Thats how you heal. Know thy self, know thy enemy, a thousand battles, a thousand victories :- SunTzu
Sir, Thank You for this. And I don't make light of this subject but truly when you said "and the cat may starve." I fell out of my seat. My SIL went through a spell where I truly believed that at any moment she would resort to just sending everyone in the family a bill for existing.
Love this! Send everyone a bill just for existing! 😂😂😂😂 Then probably send a late notice, complete with an overdue fee, if they don't get a payment on time! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Honestly, rather than having to deal with some of the toxic, mentally exhausting narcs I've been required to engage with, just sending in a payment seems like a good thing, rather than having them around in person. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Kind of like, preventative medicine! 😂😂😂😂😂😂 Or maybe, mental health insurance🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Maybe even get a tax break for it!,🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣Sorry, my sense of humor is the only thing that keeps me sane. When I die, I'm going to donate my brain to science fiction!Thanks for the laugh! I didn't mean to run with it, but one thought led to another, etc. Yours is the best comment I've seen in months. Stay sane!
I've been subject to this all my life and it hasn't served me well. I've never heard the term but I definitely recognize the tactic. I have absolutely been my own worst enemy when it comes to these people. So quick to offer, always willing to help.... Like, how can we be our authentic selves without being destroyed by these people??? There's just so little honesty in this world
There is, but not with them and people like them. It's who I was raised by and it seems normal. I can't even get close to normal people. They can't stand the energy
Wow! Thanks for opening my eyes Darren. I didn't realize I was being manipulated. However, I was smart enough to ignore his whining. Thank God. Now I'm armed for the future. Thanks again ❤.
New subscriber here, I fall into this pit often thanks to my low self-esteem and wanted to be 'useful' for people. Now, I am learning to avoid these types of people like a plague. No more friendships unless we have common interests.
Thank you so much for putting a name to this behavior. I know someone in my neighborhood who engages in this behavior. I knew it was subtle manipulation but now I feel validated in my gut instinct. She had sought out my friendship, and I thought she was great until I started to see this pattern and had to step away from the relationship. It doesn't seem like anyone else sees it, but I believe she targeted me. Thank you again.
Thank you so much for the explanation of dry begging. Dry begging is something I am currently experiencing I just didn't know the phrase. I am definitely dealing with a persons narcissism and attempts to manipulate me. It is really incredible that this individual really believes that she is entitled to what she believes I have and always says, that I have more than she has. Unbelievable , so thank you for the explanation.
Oh, hi Stepmom. XD She went from telling me I was so irresponsible I was doomed to be a NEET (Before they had a word for such things) to hitting me up for money when I landed a job and thrived. But when she didn't need money she was not accessible and would not answer her phone. The last straw was when I had driven over to take her to the store across town due to an injury she'd sustained. There was a Kroger RIGHT NEXT to her house but she wanted to shop at the Kroger 20 minutes down the road. For reasons. I had done this without complaint. Then I called her to check on her. She had been on painkillers that loosened her tongue too much. She told me she would talk to me again when she had something else she needed. Then she hung up. Exact words. A couple years later she passed away and I didn't mourn. It sounds terrible but I felt nothing.
It is not terrible at all. It is your truth. It reflects on your stepmother, not you. Please Don’t judge yourself. You helped her so much despite how she treated you. You are a good person and were a really good stepdaughter.
It's ok. I understand this. Partly, I had already mourned the 'loss' of my mom lomg before she really died. Secondly, at that point, it was a relief that I would no longer be emotionally abused by her. So I understand. It doesn't sound awful. It sounds quite normal considering what you endured.
@@phoenixmode6909 Exactly. I knew she was self destructing herself and outright refusing help. Knew I would be getting *that* phone call and was dreading it. You know, the one you dread getting as you get older. Eventually after a few of these, this makes you freeze up every time the phone rings so late at night. Finally I got that call in July of 2020 at around 10:30 pm.
Unfortunately I think this is me. I'm not a narcissist, but I've never been taught to directly ask for anything. I'm really not consciously trying to manipulate anyone, this is just a habit I've picked up from my mother and that asking directly for anything should make me feel deeply ashamed.
Narcissist behavior is learned bad behavior. Take this manipulation to the next step. How do you behave when told no. What is the next level of manipulation going to be. From the narcissist. It’s like a dance
I think it's a regional thing. Certainly I've grown up surrounded with "guess culture" as it's called. And I don't find it manipulative at all. It's politeness, not asking for something directly but giving the other person the opportunity to help IF that person desires to. I've never been great at navigating the "guess culture" world, being a bit absent minded, and I miss the hints sometimes when I'd have been happy to help. I'm also known for being too direct, putting my foot in my mouth, but I get around it by saying a lot of "I am totally fine if you don't want to, you can say no and it's not going to damage me. It's very understandable if you can't" etc because guess people have a hard time saying no to a direct request. For them, asking directly is the manipulation. Because I am known for being easy-going and not taking offense, I get more direct communication from friends and family than would be strictly polite. But I'm known for being socially awkward, and they make allowances for me😅 I can't navigate the dance of choosing a restaurant in the usual way. I just come out with it. "Hate that one, but would go if it's your favourite, and like these 3 for different reasons. Now you tell me your thoughts." And they shake their heads and laugh but usually the preferences can be pried out of them and we come to a happy compromise. Other times I'm seen as bossy and rude, especially if the friend doesn't trust me enough to actually say what she wants, even with my digging. She's not being manipulative, she just is obeying the "guess culture" rules and can't bear the thought of a disagreement. So she feels bullied by my preference. Which is too bad. Of course I understand what people are asking when it's "I don't know how I'll manage groceries this week". And I'll gladly give $100 to an acquaintance once. But if I then see that the acquaintance's child gets more for his birthday than my kids get and generally it's clear that our versions of financial responsibility aren't the same, next time there's moaning in my direction, I don't help. It's easy to just pretend not to notice the request and not offer. Just change the subject. Then the person is sad and doesn't ask again for a while. I don't see how that's manipulative. It's annoying, yes. Sneaky? Not even a little bit. I would have a hard time saying no if straight up asked. I have no practice.
My mother's cat recently got sick & as far as I knew, had received vet care. Then my mother made the casual comment in a text that the cat was sleeping all the time & she "hoped he was healing." I told her that he may not be o.k. if he's lethargic and she responded, "Well I talked to the *expensive* vet yesterday morning and decided to just watch him (the cat) instead of bringing him back in." Interpretation: "Give me money for my cat's vet care"
You're doing good work, important and necessary work. Never let anyone tell you differently. If you're ever having a hard day, please remember you are helping humanity. Love and thanks, a survivor of N.A.
Omg thankyou. I've been trying to work out what the f is wrong with a friend of mine whom I've known for 20 years. Recently I had a major flip out because I couldn't stand it anymore. What you described is this person exactly, at "extreme" on the index. I haven't spoken to her since I finally stood up for myself. After talking to other people in our circle, I found out they ALL think exactly the same about her. One of these people is her ex, who readily confirms "she's crazy " But now, after watching your video, I understand what she has been doing for so long. Almost since the day I met her. Thank you for helping me to come to this realisation. The decision not to see her anymore hurt, I felt so much guilt. But now I think it was necessary. I feel like a burden has been lifted, thanks to you. Love from Australia ❤ 🇦🇺 P.s. Your voice is very soothing. Is that a practised skill, or does it come naturally?
A Brilliant Term - I see variations of this on Social Media Either with Tipping or “Buy my Creative Product” or Even just begging for Validation and Approval - But Worst of All I recognise this Trait in a Past Version of my Self with my Parents - Another Lesson learnt🥴 Great Vid L & Scribed
I don’t think this is entirely fair. Sometimes people in need talk about their problems, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are angling for a handout or manipulating. If you don’t want to give them something, don’t.
Had a person I was helping & I stopped. They said they needed food, I took them grocery shopping. They got mad I wanted to pay their gas bill instead of giving them money. Told them I will help with bills & food but no money. She said I was being controlling & didn't understand. Wow, what an ungrateful person. I still wish her family well.
This channel manifests a remarkable depth of experience with these topics, for such a young fellow. I hadn't heard the term before, and regarded what I now understand it means as just a form of playing the victim, the goal of which can be material or non-material.
Oh, Darren's going to be ecstatic when he reads your words-- such a 'young fellow'! He's not old enough to call himself an old man. He Definitely understands narcissism, and he unpacks it so well, which has helped me so much! I feel like I owe my sanity to him.
I didn't know what this term meant. Thanks. I like your suggestions of how to handle it. My middle sister does this crap. I can't stand it, and refuse to hang out with people like that. I prefer to help genuine people who actually appreciate it. Life's too short to share it with drama people.
This is so interesting. Sometimes I say things and people offer to do things for me. It makes me so angry. I'm literally just explaining my predicament. I'm not the best socially. I wonder if people think I'm dry begging but I'm actually not! So good to get these different perspectives.
Fantastic video to discourage people from assisting those in their communities experiencing poverty, hunger, disability, who often do not have the communication skills to ask directly when they need help. Videos like this add to people who need help feeling like a burden and failing to ask for help.
Just witnessed this from a supposed new "friend." Thanks for putting a name to it. As they say, "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them." So tired of BS. Happy to be alone.
This is what my younger son did to me for years, until I had to withdraw my financial aid. Then he moved to being angry and condescending with me, until I stopped enduring that too. His stance is that I always gave his brother "anything he wanted." Not true. For now, and maybe for the rest of my life, he's quit speaking to me at all. This is saddening but is more peaceful than what I was going through.
Well done you. Stay true to yourself here. The label of "son" confers an onus on you to have to behave a certain way...but at the end of the day, when you remove the onerous label, your son is just another human being who mistreats other by using emotional manipulation...and you don't need someone like that in your life, irrespective of who they are.
Oh, gee, I heard that once and I explained to my child why that wasn't true at all. Some people have a hard time remembering everything you've done for them.
My 80+ year old mother was an undiagnosed autistic until a few years ago. The behaviour was narcissistic in the same way that all toddlers are narcissists whose needs come first and the world revolves around having their needs met. I experienced this behaviour from her all of my life. After reaching adulthood I eventually recognised this aggravating pattern of 'dry begging' and deemed it 'hinting at wanting a favour', in the end I just stopped acknowledging the hints and would ignore them unless she asked outright for whatever it was she wanted/needed. She still does this from time to time even now but much less than she once did, which was all of the time.
Wow. This was my dad. I always knew the implications of his speech patterns, but it's like he was speaking in code and I was the interpreter and code breaker for others. One retort of his: "you know what I mean." Self-sufficient persona meets shameful vulnerability. It's really hard to understand how this "works". Loads of narc supply by playing the game 20 questions.
I'm really glad that you added the bit at the end about dry begging not being the exclusive purview of narcissists. I believe that someone close to me has an insecure attachment style, but has also, as a man, been heavily socialized to believe asking for help is weak. He doesn't do this often, but I think I will be more direct next time that it happens. It's important to recognize that a) most people are not narcissists, and b) some people have other issues that prevent them from asking for help. As usual, great video! (edited for typo)
A lady in a charity shop where I worked complained she didn’t have enough money for her electric and bills she only worked a few hours a week , just enough to get benefits , I offered her a cleaning job at good money every week , but she wasn’t interested , I found out later several of our volunteers had felt sorry for her and given her money ,she was lazy ,
Or maybe she didn't have confidence to work that full time job. You never will know unless you further investigate. Some people decline certain jobs they don't feel they possess the skills or agility to perform. I've read Bible stories that reveals when people even with God favor on their life don't have confidence , they don't do certain things and suffer as a result.
![[TH] 2024 PMGC League | Survival Stage วันที่ 1 | PUBG MOBILE Global Championship](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/FVFT-PFwU80/mqdefault.jpg)
Transcript available on Patreon www.patreon.com/posts/dry-begging-soft-114056758 or Substack substack.com/@darrenfmagee/p-150266066
So if we just discuss something with someone and we’re not planning on asking for something from them, but they volunteer it and then they don’t do it. In my opinion. I never asked for it nor did I want it when somebody offers it says they’re gonna do something to me. That’s not keeping your word with someone and that’s bothersome because then your words and action stone.
If I’m in a relationship with someone I just express that you know I like to look nice but I really don’t have the money to get my hair done. Somebody needs to take care of it or fix it nor should they unless that’s something they wanna do. .
I guess in today’s society, we can’t even express how we feel or what our needs are things we wish we could do because then it seems like manipulation. Can you explain that more? ?? I don’t believe in asking for help from people because we create our own situations, but if somebody wants to help us and they do that, I think that’s classy as hell, but not many people want to do that because they’ve been burned too bad in life and I understand that too.
It’s easier to get money or things from people. It’s a lot more difficult to get true honor, integrity love, and somebody that’s rock solid loyal to you. I keep trading what everybody else wants for the real thing and it’s not working. …. Maybe this time ???
Thanks for saying sometimes it’s to exploit or use someone but not always
I call it out a shout out. Please don't tell me your problems sir/mam I can't help you.
Hello Sir, what if the person dry begging happens to be your adult child who appeared to be somewhat normal before serving in the military but now displays some issues
possibly with depression or maybe even mild PTSD or mental illness but has never been addicted to drugs or alcohol substance abuse? How would your recommend a parent handle this type of situation? Thanks for your time & consideration in advance. Your response is greatly appreciated. Have an amazing day Sir.
@@d.robbins-green7212 Eye Represent God = Hydrogen = Sun 🌞 of God = Jesus = Holy Trinity = Protium, Deuterium, Tritium = All That There Is All That They'll Be = I = Me = You = We = The Light and The Dark = Alpha And Omega
My favorite response to dry begging is "I hate to hear that", because it has two meanings and I mean both of them
Borrowing that. Thank you!
👌👏
mine is "oh, you poor thing" - for the same reasons
So funny! And true!
I like that, 😂I going to use that, thank you!
My husband will always ask, "Do we have...?", as a way to get me to retrieve anything. I think it was a way to avoid having to 'lower' himself to being thankful. He once asked, "Do we have any water?"while standing in front of the sink! For my first time (took me almost 15 years to realize this ploy), I responded with a "No, we are fresh out, so you need to go down to the lake with a bucket"!😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂this is hilarious
If he don't get a Clue! LOL 😅 I applaud That! 😂😂😂 🪣🚣♂️🪣
My ex would hold up his empty glass and say " I'd take another drink if someone would get me one " I finally answered back " I'd fill someone's glass gladly if they'd just stop rudely holding it up in the air " 🤣😂
Lol. I had a guest in my home once say to me "Funny, somehow the glasses at home are bigger!" when what they *actually* wanted to do, was asking me to refill their drink.
In this person's defense: I'm talking about a seven-year old boy, which made it super cute. I think I'd be less enamored with a grown man behaving like this.
When they are standing right next to an item or it's in their hand "do we have any...?" No. I'm not sure why you would even ask that.
“I never asked you to do that” is something I heard a million times. These days I offer nothing unless asked directly
Same here. My sister does this. For years I would offer all types of assistance (with no reciprocity and would be met with "I never asked you to do that"). Now I've stopped offering assistance when she drops hints. This puts her in a position to have to ask directly if she wants/needs something. However, when I don't respond to her hints the way she wants (by offering assistance) she gets vindictive (but in a passive aggressive way). She would rather resort to this than ask directly for what she wants but I just continue to stick to my guns. I didn't used to understand why she does this because there's no need as I've always shown willingness to give a helping hand. However, upon reflection I realised that it's an issue of control. When we ask someone directly for something it puts us in a vulnerable position and them in a position of power as there's always a possibility that they could say no. However, by manipulating the other person, not only is it more likely that we get what we want (if we're skilled at manipulation and the other person doesn't catch on) but we can absolve ourselves of any responsibility as well (as in reciprocity/gratitude etc.). It's basically disrespectful and selfish behaviour.
Really? Seriously??? 😐. How about in a realtionship? Why do we need to ask for a kiss or sx or someone to follow thru??? Yikes.
I just thought guys paid for dinner and bought flowers or little gifts here and there and I didn’t think we had to ask ???? That sounds messed up to ask! It’s like a demand.
If I’m talking to someone about how expensive it is to get my hair done that doesn’t mean that I’m begging them for money. I’m sure some people look at it and do that, but that was not my intention. Now I wonder if that is what he thinks!!! I had no idea that saying stuff which is difficult and sharing life would be a bad deal. My bff and I shared everything and with new friends I have been told to get a shrink! I have a few friends that we can share anything and thank God. I miss the old days where people were not manipulative and people were real! I wonder if this is why he didn’t do what he said he would do to help make my life easier. He has offered me money numerous times and that just feels so wrong! I do t want his money. I want his heart! Ugh!!! Now I truly wonder if this is why he has acted so weird with sharing some things but he has no idea the whole story. Only a few know the whole messed up story. Soon I’ll be out so if he judges me this way then only well. I’m not responsible for people assumptions and I’m not assuming he thinks this way just possibly and something to be concious of
@@Portia620 It sounds like you're not understanding this dynamic. When you're in a romantic relationship you naturally and spontaneously do things for each other. My bf may know that I like a certain bracelet and he may surprise me with it because he wants to make me happy and likewise I may surprise him with something I know he likes or wants. This is not what we're talking about here. Here we're talking about manipulation. In terms of asking for help, it's happened that at times I've been offered help as a result of mentioning something (because that's what the other person thought I was doing) but I let them know that that I wasn't asking for assistance even though sometimes I ended up accepting their offer of help. However, I then reciprocated (or paid them back when the help was money). Other times I've declined offers of help because it's not what I needed. Either way there's is a transparency about it. However, when manipulation is involved, there is no transparency, reciprocity or gratitude and when a person uses guilt, shame, victimhood or fear to get you to give them what they want, you can be sure that manipulation is at play rather than if you just merely mention an issue in passing. For example once I was telling a friend that I was having trouble finding anyone who would rent to me without a guarantor. She offered to be my guarantor even though it hadn't even crossed my mind (and I told her so). I said that I would only accept her offer if I didn't manage to find an alternative solution. I did end up finding a solution and therefore didn't need to accept her generous offer. However, when someone is manipulating you the goal is to get you to do what they want. There's a difference. Also, when someone uses manipulative tactics, they assume others may be doing the same when they merely mention things. This happens with my sister. When I talk about issues in my life she thinks that that I'm dropping hints and hoping that she'll help and will outright say she can't help me even though that's not what I was doing. She can't fathom/see the point in normal interaction unless it's to get something from the other person (in a sneaky way).
My sister was an expert at dry begging, now that she is older and not able to manipulate people with her looks and "naivete" she has become a hostile angry person who I avoid at all cost.
@@Portia620, "I just thought guys paid for dinner and bought flowers or little gifts here and there and I didn’t think we had to ask ????".
You sound very entitled to me!
I never realized my empathy was used against me. I’m getting better at seeing it.
🌺
See democrat/social justice/woke
I'm in the same boat! Nice to know that someone else understands.
Been there! 🌸
Narcissists love people with empathy. They feed off them.
I remember learning a really good response to “dry begging” or sob story dumping. It is “sounds terrible, what are you going to do about that?”
Exactly! “That sucks, what are you going to do?” Works perfectly!
@@Pandatwirly sometimes they explode in anger and ask for what they want by telling you what they were hoping you’d offer in their best victim voice. Then it’s, I’m not in a position to do that. That would require a lot of thought. I’m already overwhelmed (by your BS). So sorry. Hope you have some other plans.
Then they angrily give you the space you need. It is perfect. I wish I’d learned how to say this earlier and to be ok if someone’s mad at me.
I wish I could do that!
@@marybethmiranda3037 Start in small ways. Turn down small requests. Or just jump right in with a nice, big "No."
It's amazing how fast you get really, really good at saying no.
@@karenabrams8986 Being OK with their accusations and anger is 90% of the battle. It belongs to them, not you. If you see a fire hydrant spewing water into the road you drive around it, you don't go stick your face in it. Takes time to learn to leave problems where they are and not hitch your wagon to that star.
Best quote I’ve heard in a long time…… Givers need to have limits, because takers don’t have any.
I agree with you wholeheartedly you give an inch they take a mile.
Observe don't absorb. Brilliant. Thank you.
"Observe don't absorb" comes from Ross Rosenberg.
My dad always tells me this.
It's so hard when your BPD/NPD mother programmed you from an early age to feel responsible for her. But I will try to repeat this as a mantra to myself.
@BanjoPixelSnack
I highly recommend also protecting yourself energetically from people like this. A good friend told me this to create a protection shield around you. Think of arch angel Michael, visualize him standing behind you and wrapping you within his wings, your completely surrounded by hos wings and his energy of safety. I'm an empath and I do this consistently as to not absorb any negative, toxic or victim mode type energies. If your dealing with someone who does this and other manipulative tactics, its very important to protect yourself. Everything is energy, and we want the good stuff not the stuff that can affect us negatively or question our self.🤗
Y'all aren't aware that observing IS absorbing? What is observed is absorbed into memory whether chosen to be acknowledged or denied.
Dry begging isn’t just a narcissism thing. Scapegoats can do this too. It generally comes from a place of feeling like they’re going to be torn to shreds for asking, put down, belittled, or made to suffer in one way or another. Same thing but for the total opposite reason.
I truly think it’s important to acknowledge that. The scapegoats who do this don’t need to be seen or treated as a narcissist, they need to be gently shown they are safe to ask, and maybe how to actually do it.
You’ll know which is which by their reaction when you either ignore their begging or call it out. Narcs generally get mad, scapegoats tend to feel mortified/embarrassed.
Agreed, I was once on the edge of losing everything, & wanted help but was too embarrassed/ humiliated to ask outright, fortunately some people understood and helped as best they could, mostly by loaning me a vehicle till I could get another one & also by giving me rides to work, thank God for them !
@@ericschulze5641 I’m sorry you went through that, but I am very glad to know some good people had your back. We all need help now and then, and we are all worthy of it.
Well said.
The difference is when a scapegoat dry begs, you don't feel like you're obligated to help them. You just feel like they're generically complaining. Not expecting you to rescue them.
That old saying-'The squeaky wheel gets the grease'.
My parents both had a wonderful saying when people tried this: "Things are tough all over! Yep, yep. Well, good luck." And then my dad would sometimes launch into all the help HE needed, until they got so bored they gave up. I learned a lot of good stuff from that guy.
Wonderful? I disagree. 😊
So creepy
I've done that....I launch into all my problems, because who doesn't have any? 😂😂😂
Ohhh will be using this!!!!
😆 🤣
This is the main reason why I don't like telling people my problems, in case they think I'm asking for help. I was the youngest in a toxic family.
That's me and the sad part is I do need help.
2nd younst out of 8 😂 yeaa I've never asked 4anything
Same, unfortunately. Thanks for pointing this out.
There's a simple solution to this. If help is offered you can either graciously turn it down and let the person know that you weren't asking for help or, if you do need the help, accept (even if it wasn't your intention to solicit help). If you accept help then you let them know that their offer is appreciated and that you will pay them back or reciprocate when the opportunity arises (and keep your word). This isn't manipulation just mutual give and take that can be a part of a healthy relationship/dynamic. I like to help people (no strings attached) but not when I sense someone is attempting to manipulate me into it. It's easy to spot manipulation when you know what to look for. Manipulators use guilt, shame, victimhood and fear to get their way. Sometimes it's subtle but it gets easier to spot with practice. Manipulators are takers. Their aim is to get what they want without directly asking so that they don't have to take responsibility. It's a one way street. They often are ungrateful and turn a deaf ear when you need anything from them (even if you ask directly). As long as you keep your interactions transparent and a two way street then there's nothing wrong in speaking about problems and accepting any help that may be offered (if required/appropriate).
We no longer want to work at the nursing home. We do
I made friends with someone like this at church. The very first time we met her and her children was at a picnic at a church member's house.
So this lady had just moved from California to Florida. She went on and on about how they didnt have money to bring all their furniture. Their new living room was empty, bla bla bla. They needed this and that. She never -asked- for anything, but many good-hearted christians heard her and responded generously filling her home with furniture. I gave her children my desktop computer when I bought a new one. They moved into a beautiful neighborhood into a 4 bedroom 3 bath home with a screened in built in pool with a lovely view on a pond. Yet she always POOR-MOUTHED. "We are too poor for this or too poor for that." They went out to eat often. They bought things. My husband said its like she is fishing and her comments are BAIT to see whom she can HOOK. So one day her little girl was complaining about how poor they were. I said, "You live in a beautiful big house with your own bathroom and your own bedroom. You have a built in swimming pool. Your neighborhood has curbs and sidewalks with lovely entrances. So even by the living standards in the United States, many people would consider you as RICH." The little girl looked shocked!
So this lady, my friend (supposedly), told me that a wealthy new lady at church owns a second home up in New York. She sort of whispered to me, "I think she is going to GIVE me that house!" I wondered how in the world a person would just offer her a house. Who just gives away a house to someone they just met??! How much poor-mouthing had she been doing to this new lady?
In the end, after being her friend for about four years she dumped me. I called her one time crying about a health scare and ask for her prayers. She brushed me off like a bug and couldn't have cared less. She hung up quickly. When they went on a ONE YEAR VACATION they travelled to different little churches and her husband would speak. She told me they collected THOUSANDS of dollars from these little churches. I wonder what sob story they had to illicit such monetary gifts?! These churches were small, humble, pentacostal groups... Not rich churches. Yet they raked in the dough $$$. Who can quit their job and afford to go on a one year vacation with your wife that does not work and three children? Now I realize that she is a skilled SOCIOPATH.
Sounds money hungry, a silent money hungry hippo
The worm turns, is the Old English saying: I wonder if she's still in Florida? With all the destruction, I hope she had a wake up call? If not RIP. It's sad how many people get " taken" by these sorts. My hope is that the people of Florida can be blessed .❤
I’m sure you’re not the only person to be hurt and taken in then betrayed by this couple. I’m glad you spoke truth to her child.
Omigosh I was just about to post a similar story about someone in my church many years ago. Good Christians are regularly taken for a ride! Some folk hinted that all with that person was not as I thought but they never went into any detail so it was a few years before I really understood what was going on.
Oh snap. I just had a person do this to me until I caught on. Dry begging is straight up manipulative. I’m done!
Having a strong principle of non intervention in the lives of others has saved me a lot.
I need to learn that lesson
And they also learn a lesson. Good for you.
Non intervention. New tactic. Thanks.
Someday if you are seriously ill or in dire financial straits, you may come to regret that. If you have not built up a good will network of community around you, you’ll be stuck.
The answer is not to NEVER help anyone. It’s to be discerning about who to help and why.
@@calisongbird
You can go ahead pandering to narcissists for the imaginary help they would still never render to you.
Thank you for finally putting a name on another repulsive narcissistic trait.
Judge Mathis hilariously used this all the time.
Definitely not a new term.
The term was new to me, too. Filed for future reference! :)
@@elliottwade1901new to me too 👍🏼, but the experience certainly isn’t new! I’ve lived with a person like this in my family my whole life - now I have a word for the behavior.
Bingo!
"once you see it, you can't unsee it" Thanks for helping us see this!
Can't put the toothpaste back in the tube!
@lydialutz
That's the thing, You realize it quickly.
Once I recognize it....I avoid it.
Come at me more than once that way, and my antenna goes up.
"Are you asking me to help you with that?" Would be an AMAZING way to get them to own up to what they are trying to finagle out of you. Staying on topic and forcing them to verbalize it without jumping in to help. God, I wish I had had this tool in my tool bag from early on in my life.
I say “If you’re asking me for help, ask me instead of talking around it.”
they just say that ‘I have to do everything myself like always’
@@angelausa3269 Interesting that was just said to me 🙄
@@angelausa3269 My mom used to use that on me all the time. Now I just go "okay" and go on my way. If she insists on being miserable and bad at communicating, that's her choice. I won't be dragged down into being miserable as well.
I tried that and it got thrown back in my face. "Why do I have to beg you for (whatever)?" I said, "Because I don't know if you are just mentioning it, or whether you want me to do that for you." "Well, figure it out, " would be his response. There is no point in arguing with him. I always come away feeling like I just got sprayed with manure.
Also keep in mind that not all venting is dry begging. Sometimes people just need to vocalize their struggles to get through them.
I'm one of these and find it very hard, because I have to suppress my natural need to talk things over because it's usually interpreted as asking for help when I'm not. Probably there's something else wrong with me to cause this but I haven't found it yet.
Absolutely. Labels have their limits.
@@faithful451i know what you mean. I'm kinda like that. It may help to be explicit about what you ARE asking for help with. Just ask them if you can vent to them and just logic through the problem with them, and ask them for what you need: advice? Listening? Non-judgement? There's no need to insist you aren't asking for help when you are, but YOU define what that is and people won't think you want something you don't.
I hear the avoidance of gratitude for others as a key indicator of manipulation.
that also means they don't have to reciprocate...
You can see on that kind of person’s face how uncomfortable they are with gratitude.
I heard the term once “poor mouthing” aka sly begging…and instantly understood dry begging.
"Crying poor-mouth"
My mom always called it "poor mouthing" when ppl did that. I had forgotten about that phrase😊.
There's a hilarious book, especially if you're familiar with Irish culture, called "The Poor Mouth" by Flann O'Brien you might enjoy.
My dad’s family is all from the deep south, I was indoctrinated that poor mouthing is the mark of trashy, lazy people.
Yes that is what it is called in my culture. 🌍
I never knew there was a term for this. When they hint about money in this way it’s usually designed so they don’t have to pay it back, ‘I didn’t ask you, you offered’. Family members are notorious for this.
Won't Happen to you when you are poor😅
@ This has nothing to do with them being poor, it’s all about using people. I’ve had to sell empty soda bottles out of the trash to go and buy peanut butter, never would it have crossed the “dry beggars” minds to lend a hand in my hour of need. It’s always the same ones who give and the same ones who take and the takers do not care about anyone else’s needs.
I know exactly what they're doing when they're "dry begging". My response to them is "daaamn, that's crazy. Good luck with that." I then remove myself from the situation (e.g. hang up the phone, or make an excuse to leave) before they try to guilt-trip me.
I've noticed that if I attempt to give them ideas on how to solve the problem (without offering my resources/finances), they will knock back every suggestion and tell me why that wouldn't work. This makes it even more obvious that they have no interest in solving their own problems and want me to offer money (or whatever). Which is why my response in the 1st paragraph is my go-to response.
Social media is a perfect vehicle for dry begging. I have seen so many people do this, but I didn't know it had a name.
I believe it's also called "Vague-booking."
On social media, they usually just out right beg, but you’re right.
A lot of the youtube monkey channels do this to get gifts and money for themselves and their pet monkey.
@@Curlyblonde wait, actual monkeys?
@@Iamtheskidoostig yes, exactly!
Thank you for this term. My brother often complained about problems that he was having and I adopted a tactic of suggesting solutions he himself could pursue only to hear the same complaint repeated on my next encounter with him. After my partner and I helped him move from one city to another he actually later stated that he had never asked us for our help as though it were a matter of pride to him. Thank you for your videos.
My sister is like this. I've realised that one reason she behaves this way is so that she can have the upper hand (control: when we ask for something directly there's always a chance the other person could say no) and to not take any responsibility (because she didn't ask for the help).
My brother is like this too!!
It's interesting how they suddenly disappear when you address it directly and say no. After professing they'd never dream of asking for anything, of course.
Of course 👀
Even after I moved out in Jan 2023, I was still giving my husband money until about 3 months ago. I don't make a lot of money, so I'm not a bank. All this after carrying us almost our entire relationship. I had enough. I told him, " The bank of (my name) is closing." I didn't zelle anymore money to him no matter how much he complained and whined about being out of groceries. I had seen inside his fridge, he had food. He just wanted money for alcohol. Big surprise, he thinks we should divorce now. I didn't know it was called dry begging, but if it were a talent, he'd win first place.
My mother's favourite trick is to have big, loud, detailed 'if only' conversations with the cat in an upset voice when she knows I'm within earshot.
I'm sorry but I laughed way too hard at this. NOT at you, just at the mental image of a mother and her kitty😂 ❤
If only the cat could help her out, right?
I pity the cat.
Cringe
😂
This is absolutely true. They're never direct. Thank you for the term.
Wow! What an excellent explanation of a toxic, unhealthy behavior that has been in my life for the entirety of it. It is a diabolical manipulation tactic that you should get and stay away from by any means necessary. I have learned to accept being seen as selfish or whatever they choose to call me. I prefer to be in peace and away from toxic behaviors…
damn I had to screenshot this one
It's ironic that we are seen as selfish when we don't give into this kind of manipulation when it's this kind of toxic behaviour that is selfish. My sister does this. For years I would offer all types of assistance (with no reciprocity and would be met with "I never asked you to do that"). Now I've stopped offering assistance when she drops hints. This puts her in a position to have to ask directly if she wants/needs something. When I don't respond to her hints the way she wants (offering assistance) she gets vindictive (but in a passive aggressive way). She would rather resort to this than ask directly for what she wants but I just continue to stick to my guns. I didn't used to understand why she does this because there's no need as I've always shown willingness to give a helping hand. However, upon reflection I realised that it's an issue of control. When we ask someone directly for something it puts us in a vulnerable position and them in a position of power as there's always a possibility that they could say no. However, by manipulating the other person, not only is it more likely that we get what we want (if we're skilled at manipulation and the other person doesn't catch on) but we can absolve ourselves of any responsibility as well (as in reciprocity/gratitude etc.). It's the ultimate selfish behaviour.
@@anta3612 woahhh this comment has unlocked so much for me
@@shinebabyshine. I'm glad it was helpful. I forgot to add that being called selfish is also a guilt trip/manipulation. Only a giving person is bothered by being seen as selfish and the manipulator knows this. They are the selfish ones. Manipulators are takers and are only concerned about getting their way regardless of how it may affect you. They are quite happy to wound you as long as it gets them what they want and if confronted they'll deny that's what they've done (this is also why being indirect serves them).
@@anta3612are you me?!😂. Same sister! Oh geez. And when I give (a co-op apartment for example) she is unappreciative and complains about it constantly. No win situation. I’m just discerning her narcissism and this kind of puts the icing on it.
I'm glad I've learned in my life to not feel responsible for others problems.
This goes for me too!
Wow what a label Dry Begging, never too old to learn, thank you
Dry begging = sobbing, pouting
I’m 54 I wish I knew these things at 24 would have saved me lots of grief
@@BillieYoung-ge5dxOh, but it’s fun to discover gems throughout your life! I was thrilled to find this one.
I stumbled on this video at random - I wasn't even looking for anything on any topic related to this at all, but I found it fascinating. I have a long time friend of nearly 30 years who is not a narcissist, but is a fentanyl addict. He does this constantly. Of course all of his financial problems are due to all of his money going to his addiction, and he talks about it all of the time as if the cosmos have conspired against him. Every day is some fantastical set of circumstances "out of his control" (definitely NOT his drug addiction) and it's obvious he's hoping I'll offer him money or solve his problems for him. I listen and lend a sympathetic ear and then ask him what he's going to do about it. Needless to say, I don't hear from him much anymore.
Thank you for that last comment.
I was in a Narcissist Marriage for over 25 yrs.
And I was his slave.
Anytime I asked for something I needed, i was either told they were too busy.. or the promise to do it was broken.
So I learnt to do without or do it myself.
And if i was unable to do it myself.
I became a Dry Begger.
And now I find it very difficult to ask directly for a need.
Not a want.
A need.
Its heartbreakingly frustrating
I am learning how to be more assertive and more direct with ASKING.
And if its No is Ok.
And Yes is great!
Hi , I can relate, nearly 40 years I was with mines, ppl say why didn't you just get out of it , and I say look at his police record, if I even dressed of getting away, he would have killed me, and tried to many a time, 1 time was in Spain, and thankfully they had guns , we were slaves now we are warriors, we survived on bare essentials.
Keep Lifted Blessings
Is there a reason you cannot meet your needs yourself?
Right there with you, @LisaDonaldson-m8h , it’s funny how we had to make him think it was his idea so he could think of himself as observant, thoughtful, and generous, right? But if you asked directly it was ignored or shamed. And God help me if I told him “no” ever. I was young and there was no TH-cam or TikTok to tell me that these things were red flags. 😭😤
@@polymathica oh very much agreed with.. if we said "No's to anything!
Getting used to going without was the norm.
If I asked a mutual friend or a neighbouring or tried to hire someone else to do the chore.
That was "needed ' not a WANT!
I was then accused of being Impatient or CHEATING or undermining him.
After all..
He said he would do it
Brilliant vid. Very eye opening. As a people pleaser I often like giving... usually my time & it's never reciprocated. However because of vids like this & similar, it helps me spot Users, Abusers & Narcissists. I am so much happier & stronger now.
This is something my mother mastered. She apparently taught my brother well as he took over when she passed. I no longer feel obligated to respond as I found out that my brother makes in a week what I make in a month. But of course I'm the pampered princess since I work hard, save hard, and have more to show for it.
There you go ❤
All my four sisters & one brother, do this. Once you put up boundaries to their victimhood…….otherwise known as; not giving them the attention, life becomes peaceful. I haven’t spoken to them for 17 years & it’s liberating, not being bound by family dynamics, just because you are ‘family’ I owe them nothing & I do not want or have any needs from them or anybody.
My mother (I was her sole carer, till she died) was, now I believe a narcissist and could be very difficult to deal with at times. One example was when she looked out of the window at our hedge, burst into tears and said : Oh! look at the hedge! It is has not been cut! People will think nobody lives here anymore! *Sob* *Sob* *Sob*. Needless to say, I went out to cut it as she then settled down with a cuppa and watched the tv. She has gone now, and, sadly, I cannot say I miss her. Caring for her for all those years was a huge burden and those who have done similar with a very difficult person will know exactly what I mean
My mother does this with her leaves. "They look terrible!"
"Yeah, you better hire somebody to do something about that." Seriously, I work ten hour days, and I paint at night, and have my own lawn and gardens to care for. Which wouldn't necessarily be an excuse, but the last time I did all that, I didn't even get a thank you. Hire somebody.
My mother was more like, if you didn't snap to attention the millisecond after she asked you to do something she'd heave a great sigh and go "don't worry I'll do it myself!" Years later I call her a martyr and she did not like that at all, lol she got triggered
You are not wrong
@@juliee.7072 Mine used to do that back when she could be arsed to do anything. It did get to the point of, "Alrighty, have fun."
I can relate to what you say.
I’ve always called this “weaponized helplessness.” 6:19
Oh, I'm stealing that 👌
❤ Love this. Mommy please read me. It's your JOB!
Wow, that’s a good one.
…Or weaponised incompetence, so that you ‘show’ them how to do ______ and they don’t have to do anything at all!
I'll stick with the official term so that one term can identify one type of action.
Poor mouthing
Weaponized helplessness
Good ones, but I wanna use this term (which I think isn't as good as the others) that professional mental health professionals use so that others could look up the term and information and education can spread. ❤
I've been around people that whine a lot about 'all' their problems. When you suggest a solution, they get mad and basically say they don't need anyone telling them what they need to do. None of them really wanted a solution other than having me help, or an excuse to complain.
UMMM maybe they jusut needed to vent, without someone offering solutions that hey had alrady thought off that they couldnt do, for whatever reason
Offering a solution is arrogant and dismissive.
You need to learn what it means to hold space, then you need to learn how to do it.
Easy to fall into trying to help. Before offering anything I ask them, "How I can help? Do you want ideas, or do you just need to vent? I'm happy to make suggestions or lend an ear."
@@MyBeautifulHealth, holding space for someone who complains constantly about their 'problems' (especially the same 'problems', over and over again) is an invitation for them to drain one of time, energy and emotional reserve on an ongoing basis. What they really need is professional assistance, and a willingness to change their own behaviour.
@@jevans1805 if someone merely wishes to vent, it's up to them to communicate that, not take the other person for granted.
Some of the worst examples of this that I've seen have been in the workplace, where it can really sour the atmosphere and lower morale if not taken off to an appropriate setting.
This video just broke my heart.
To know that someone did this to me and i helped. And i believed i was helping only to now know i was completely taken advantage of by someone i truly cared for. 🤢🤮
Same here! And I really cared for the guy. Spent a fortune on him when I had just survived several disasters and was so poor, I had to ask a charity to help me buy a new washing machine! After I helped, he got so abusive I had to cut him out of my life completely... that was the last straw. I'll never show an interest in anyone again - not romantically anyway. Forget it, that train has departed.
Walk away. Keep any proof. ❤
It's not your fault. Nothing prepares you for these people. Now you know, you will be prepared next time ❤
Been there, got the t shirt. Found out he had three other people he was giving his sob story.
He had more money than all of us combined. Fed him for three years while he was supposed to be getting back on their feet.
@@LittleKitty22We lead parallel lives. It made me leery of everyone.
Finally! I knew i have been somehow manipulated, but now, 2 years later, i have a label for it. Thank you! It s not just a garden variety of emotional manipulation, but quite sophisticated and confusing. They bring you to the edge, nudge you, but let you make a decision to jump
OOOHHH I've never heard this term until now, and you described my mother perfectly. She is the MASTER of this! She would never ask directly because that would be too vulnerable.
My mother too 👍 text book narrsist.
Darren, I have been such a victim of this! I'm so glad I watched because this is gaslighting. I haven't seen you before, so I am going to subscribe. Thanks so much! Bev from Brooklyn
New term for something I have seen. Mom was especially good at this. It fit so perfectly with her expectation that we would, should, read her mind. And comply. Sigh.
😢commonly know as , passive-aggession ?
That too.
Historically women, children, and disabled people haven’t had control over how resources are spent. Socialization of girls still reflects this. It’s considered rude to be direct for people with less social standing. Many families are still patriarchies even when women work.
That's because they didn't create those resources .
@@paulbuckle8459 I’m saying women are still socialized not to make the decisions and to be indirect even when they do create the resources. And even when they don’t work outside the home, many women and people with disabilities do unpaid domestic labor in the home. Even if they can’t work at all, like children and many elderly people, they still have needs and trying to get those needs met is human. It’s not necessarily narcissism or entitlement.
Some people who see themselves as powerless-and have resentment about it-get to be really skillful manipulators. They easily recognize who are most vulnerable and exploit them mercilessly.
@@chrislamarca5719 i mean that’s true, of course. let’s not treat powerlessness itself as a mindset when its a material condition that many experience and its sad if they have to manipulate others to get their needs met. The powerless do roll over and die but its unrealistic to demand it
Exactly. 50% of the people who do this need it. Ask yourself if the person needs it, or if they're just envious/lazy. Saying "there's lots of homeless resources " is you being a dick. However, for example, "I wish I had a coat like that" is them being a dick, assuming this isn't family or a spouse.
I've been there before prior to my codependency recovery. I was helping a lot of people out who could do for themselves.
Hi Pamela me too , I had a neighbour I was friendly with , she would turn up asking for advice and playing dumb , I often did what she was asking about often picking something up from somewhere or sending something through the post and wanting a certificate of postage and sometimes in many times in summer she would ask for suggestions on what to plant and would I get some plants for her she knew damn well that I would give her some of my spares as I grow a lot and when to take them round, she said oh dear how do I do it? And it took me quite a few years of digging them in myself and then thinking I’m just been taken for a mug here, which was so I stopped it
Observe don’t explore. I have heard this from you before and it has saved me much hassle and regret! Thank you!
Thanks for putting a name on this.
I've fallen for it, and one of the worst feelings is that you've fallen for it and know you have because "... what if I'm just being selfish? "
Greatly appreciated.
Dry begging works like magic with people pleasers.I saw a narc in action and I was dumbfounded.He didn't even have to ask and that thing he was after was difficult to get for the owner.His body language was incredible an deadly effective.
I work in a spiritual community and it was the first place I saw a narcissist...
It was galling watching this stuff in action.....
Yep. Someone gave my ex-friend a car. I always wondered about it until now. This is good to be aware of.
Yes, unfortunately I have become an analytical thinker rather than an emotional thinker and I know what decisions are best for me. No hate in my heart, but moving forward.
@@jacquelinepianto5087 Why is it unfortunate to be analytical in your thinking?
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn I’m reading the book called, “Blink”. It discusses analytical thinking and intuitive knowing. I think they’re both important. It doesn’t discuss emotional thinking. The book discusses how we make decisions.
It took me many years to figure this one out. Thank you for giving it a name we can call out. It’s not only narcissists that dry beg, it can also be mildly employed by close friends and family too. Good call on repeated behaviour as a guide line.
Close friends and family can be narcissists too. Why are you compartmentalizing?
I'm a sucker for this, too quick to offer help 😕
This used to be me until I realised I was being taken for a fool. I'm still generous with my time, money and possessions and help when and if I can. However, I no longer offer help unless directly approached or asked. It's basic respect to allow the other person to refuse your request rather than trick/guilt trip them into it by relying on their kind and giving nature (and given the cold shoulder when they need a favour in return: not that I ever do anything with the expectation of getting something back).
Being a decent human is counter productive I have found.
You’re only a sucker if you’re unaware. If you made the conscious decision to do it. Own it, stop letting people spook you…being good to someone is not a weakness.
@@AngelAPAVLOVSCornDog You can still be a good human being without succumbing to manipulation. If you're aware of this manipulative tactic just ask them directly if they're asking for help. If they say yes then you can decide if and to what degree you can/are willing to help and take ownership of that. On the other hand, if they say no, then don't help (boundaries). By asking for a direct response/request you are getting them to take responsibility for themselves and they can't then turn around and claim that they never asked (which is often what they'll do).
Have learnt to say no.
Thank you for this great description of dry begging. It explains perfectly what bothered me throughout a toxic 'friendship'. I couldn't define the behaviour then, there was so much other behaviour I hadn't met in my life before [thankfully], so much dissonance, I was so confused. I'm 16months out of it now and gaining info and healing, forgiving myself. I'm angry. I hope I never meet another narcissist in my life. Knowledge is power. Just wish I'd known all this a long time ago.
Thank, I have fell for this a few times. Funny thing, they keep working on you.
I used to fall in that trap pretty often…
Now I always say “I would be happy to help you but I don’t have money, you have to ask someone else”
Also, "No," is a complete sentence.
Thank you for putting a name to this, I think we've all seen it in action
Thank you for FINALLY putting a name to this behavior 🙏
I had never heard the term but it does fit the behavior so perfectly. He nailed it with this one...as usual 💯
If I see it, I ALWAYS make them ask. For my time, money etc. Because when it comes time to return the favor, they always want to weasel out saying "But you offered".
Exactly! My sister does this and I've stopped falling for her manipulation. However, she still refuses to ask directly for what she wants and gets vindictive (in a passive aggressive way) when I don't respond to her hints.
@@anta3612 Next time, ask her how she is going to solve that problem. Watch her face. You're gonna love it
I never knew it had a name.
My mother does it all the time. I’ve sometimes pretended it’s gone over my head and I don’t offer what she’s looking for. Then she gets really angry because it hasn’t worked and all hell breaks loose!
My mother is a master at this! I would constantly overhear her lying to relatives about her troubles, so they can send her money. She would also claim I abandoned her to fend for herself when she actually lives with me, and I take care of her 24/7. She is mentally ill, so I don't expect her to change her behavior. For people who are poor at managing their resources, nothing will ever be enough.
you could contact the relatives directly and tell them this. Not to send money to HER but if they want to help, to YOU.
I have totally seen this in action with my narc mother and sister. I didn't know it had a name. I usually just pretend like I didn't hear them or just ignore the "hints". But because they do this they also think that everyone does it. For instance I was once said to my Mom, "I need to water my plants" and she said "I'll do it later". I did not want or need her to water my plants, I was just making a statement. Sheesh. Very annoying. Thank you for your very informative videos.
@@TwisterTornado you're referring to healthy women's communication vs men's/narcissistic communication? Because I also have a narcissist mom, but I would say she communicates differently than most women I know.
Did you just assume everybody's gender?
@@TwisterTornado should he? He's talking about a mental disorder, not healthy communication. Sure, there are gender differences in mental health, the symptoms as well as perception, but I'm honestly trying to see how it's relevant here. And I'm always seeing gender differences 😂
@@TwisterTornado ever since I saw I Am Not An Easy Man.. I cannot unsee them.. 😳
@@TwisterTornado did you think I implied they weren't?
I understand your concern with overuse of a clinical word, however, I kinda think something else is happening. Remember how like 10-15 years ago, everyone overused "depressed"? And now, the stigma is way less and people understand it better? Tbh I think that's what's happening here, as well as seeing the similarities in men's behavior.
This is the first time I've heard of dry begging, but by no means the first time I've encountered it. Thank you for your very clear and helpful explanation. It makes sense of so much that I experienced with my very narcissistic brother. Over time I eventually learnt to be less responsive to his hints, which really riled him. He started to portray me as 'always angry', which I took to mean 'less able to be manipulated'!
I appreciate this video. I have spotted this in others and... try to avoid doing this myself. The best I have done with avoiding falling into this pattern is to either... preempt my rants with, " I am not asking for anything" or when listening, to at some point ask "Do you just want me to bear witness or do you want me to offer suggestions or assistance?".... but, I still fail a lot
I try to only vent on my support groups or with my FEW friends who vent reciprocally as needed. Safer this way. No need to explain that I am not asking for anything other than a kind “ear” nowadays. And they know I am willing to reciprocate.
Funny! I have been a victim of people dry begging me and I just gave in, thanks for bringing this out.
So that's what it's called
You need to look at yourself. Look at your behaviors since thise are the only ones you can change. Quit blamingng.
Sounds like they need to recognize, understand and deal with dry begging.
It's easily accomplished and none of your business.
@@sallybella8824 most definietely ....but when you realize that every action has an opposite and equal reaction, understanding the traits of others gives you a valuable reference point in order to start looking for the OPPOSITE trait within you.
i wasn't aware of the depth of the issue until i could objectively see the narcissistic/ toxic traits within my family... now i see the 40 years of games. Im aware of the word salad, manipulation, gas lighting and dry begging and finally processed not only how i react...but WHY i react the way i do and have since corrected the CONDITIONED behaviours that bound me into the narcissitic abuse. Thats how you heal.
Know thy self, know thy enemy, a thousand battles, a thousand victories :- SunTzu
This is gold. The more I look at, the more I see it.
Sir, Thank You for this. And I don't make light of this subject but truly when you said "and the cat may starve." I fell out of my seat. My SIL went through a spell where I truly believed that at any moment she would resort to just sending everyone in the family a bill for existing.
First laugh o' the day, my God, thank you.🤣
Sils!
Love this! Send everyone a bill just for existing! 😂😂😂😂 Then probably send a late notice, complete with an overdue fee, if they don't get a payment on time! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Honestly, rather than having to deal with some of the toxic, mentally exhausting narcs I've been required to engage with, just sending in a payment seems like a good thing, rather than having them around in person. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Kind of like, preventative medicine! 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Or maybe, mental health insurance🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Maybe even get a tax break for it!,🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣Sorry, my sense of humor is the only thing that keeps me sane. When I die, I'm going to donate my brain to science fiction!Thanks for the laugh! I didn't mean to run with it, but one thought led to another, etc. Yours is the best comment I've seen in months. Stay sane!
Good one laughable is right.
Wish i could like your comment more than once. So well said!
I've been subject to this all my life and it hasn't served me well. I've never heard the term but I definitely recognize the tactic. I have absolutely been my own worst enemy when it comes to these people. So quick to offer, always willing to help.... Like, how can we be our authentic selves without being destroyed by these people???
There's just so little honesty in this world
There is, but not with them and people like them. It's who I was raised by and it seems normal. I can't even get close to normal people. They can't stand the energy
Wow!
Thanks for opening my eyes Darren.
I didn't realize I was being manipulated. However, I was smart enough to ignore his whining. Thank God.
Now I'm armed for the future.
Thanks again ❤.
New subscriber here, I fall into this pit often thanks to my low self-esteem and wanted to be 'useful' for people.
Now, I am learning to avoid these types of people like a plague.
No more friendships unless we have common interests.
Thank you so much for putting a name to this behavior. I know someone in my neighborhood who engages in this behavior. I knew it was subtle manipulation but now I feel validated in my gut instinct. She had sought out my friendship, and I thought she was great until I started to see this pattern and had to step away from the relationship. It doesn't seem like anyone else sees it, but I believe she targeted me. Thank you again.
Jaw dropped! There’s a name for what he does frequently! It’s so galling. Thank you. Subscribed.
Thank you so much for the explanation of dry begging. Dry begging is something I am currently experiencing I just didn't know the phrase. I am definitely dealing with a persons narcissism and attempts to manipulate me. It is really incredible that this individual really believes that she is entitled to what she believes I have and always says, that I have more than she has. Unbelievable , so thank you for the explanation.
Oh, hi Stepmom. XD
She went from telling me I was so irresponsible I was doomed to be a NEET (Before they had a word for such things) to hitting me up for money when I landed a job and thrived. But when she didn't need money she was not accessible and would not answer her phone.
The last straw was when I had driven over to take her to the store across town due to an injury she'd sustained. There was a Kroger RIGHT NEXT to her house but she wanted to shop at the Kroger 20 minutes down the road. For reasons. I had done this without complaint. Then I called her to check on her. She had been on painkillers that loosened her tongue too much.
She told me she would talk to me again when she had something else she needed. Then she hung up. Exact words.
A couple years later she passed away and I didn't mourn. It sounds terrible but I felt nothing.
It is not terrible at all. It is your truth. It reflects on your stepmother, not you. Please Don’t judge yourself. You helped her so much despite how she treated you. You are a good person and were a really good stepdaughter.
Sounds like the consequences of her own actions.
Those of us who have been victims of the same behaviour don't think it sounds terrible to not mourn for someone who treated us like that. Hugs.
It's ok. I understand this. Partly, I had already mourned the 'loss' of my mom lomg before she really died.
Secondly, at that point, it was a relief that I would no longer be emotionally abused by her.
So I understand.
It doesn't sound awful.
It sounds quite normal considering what you endured.
@@phoenixmode6909 Exactly. I knew she was self destructing herself and outright refusing help. Knew I would be getting *that* phone call and was dreading it. You know, the one you dread getting as you get older. Eventually after a few of these, this makes you freeze up every time the phone rings so late at night. Finally I got that call in July of 2020 at around 10:30 pm.
Unfortunately I think this is me. I'm not a narcissist, but I've never been taught to directly ask for anything. I'm really not consciously trying to manipulate anyone, this is just a habit I've picked up from my mother and that asking directly for anything should make me feel deeply ashamed.
You are self-aware. I wish you luck in trying to getting better!
My oldest son does this as well, and he is not a narcissist
Not a narcissist but just learned behavior 😉
Narcissist behavior is learned bad behavior. Take this manipulation to the next step. How do you behave when told no. What is the next level of manipulation going to be. From the narcissist. It’s like a dance
I think it's a regional thing. Certainly I've grown up surrounded with "guess culture" as it's called. And I don't find it manipulative at all. It's politeness, not asking for something directly but giving the other person the opportunity to help IF that person desires to.
I've never been great at navigating the "guess culture" world, being a bit absent minded, and I miss the hints sometimes when I'd have been happy to help.
I'm also known for being too direct, putting my foot in my mouth, but I get around it by saying a lot of "I am totally fine if you don't want to, you can say no and it's not going to damage me. It's very understandable if you can't" etc because guess people have a hard time saying no to a direct request. For them, asking directly is the manipulation. Because I am known for being easy-going and not taking offense, I get more direct communication from friends and family than would be strictly polite. But I'm known for being socially awkward, and they make allowances for me😅 I can't navigate the dance of choosing a restaurant in the usual way. I just come out with it. "Hate that one, but would go if it's your favourite, and like these 3 for different reasons. Now you tell me your thoughts." And they shake their heads and laugh but usually the preferences can be pried out of them and we come to a happy compromise. Other times I'm seen as bossy and rude, especially if the friend doesn't trust me enough to actually say what she wants, even with my digging. She's not being manipulative, she just is obeying the "guess culture" rules and can't bear the thought of a disagreement. So she feels bullied by my preference. Which is too bad.
Of course I understand what people are asking when it's "I don't know how I'll manage groceries this week". And I'll gladly give $100 to an acquaintance once. But if I then see that the acquaintance's child gets more for his birthday than my kids get and generally it's clear that our versions of financial responsibility aren't the same, next time there's moaning in my direction, I don't help. It's easy to just pretend not to notice the request and not offer. Just change the subject. Then the person is sad and doesn't ask again for a while. I don't see how that's manipulative. It's annoying, yes. Sneaky? Not even a little bit.
I would have a hard time saying no if straight up asked. I have no practice.
Thanks for the explanation of "dry begging". I come from a narc family so i'have seen them doing this milliards of times. Now I can put a name.
My mother's cat recently got sick & as far as I knew, had received vet care. Then my mother made the casual comment in a text that the cat was sleeping all the time & she "hoped he was healing." I told her that he may not be o.k. if he's lethargic and she responded, "Well I talked to the *expensive* vet yesterday morning and decided to just watch him (the cat) instead of bringing him back in." Interpretation: "Give me money for my cat's vet care"
not necessarily
@@AF-yx9cv I hope you suddenly had to go, or were called away from the phone so you could say "I've gotta go"
Ooh...I interpreted it as justification for NOT bringing my sick cat to the vet. But you know your mother, of course. That was REALLY subtle!
You're doing good work, important and necessary work. Never let anyone tell you differently. If you're ever having a hard day, please remember you are helping humanity.
Love and thanks, a survivor of N.A.
I have been guilted into many many things. This is eye opening to me. Asking if they want help is something I wouldn’t have thought about doing.
Omg thankyou. I've been trying to work out what the f is wrong with a friend of mine whom I've known for 20 years. Recently I had a major flip out because I couldn't stand it anymore. What you described is this person exactly, at "extreme" on the index. I haven't spoken to her since I finally stood up for myself. After talking to other people in our circle, I found out they ALL think exactly the same about her. One of these people is her ex, who readily confirms "she's crazy "
But now, after watching your video, I understand what she has been doing for so long. Almost since the day I met her.
Thank you for helping me to come to this realisation. The decision not to see her anymore hurt, I felt so much guilt. But now I think it was necessary.
I feel like a burden has been lifted, thanks to you. Love from Australia ❤ 🇦🇺
P.s. Your voice is very soothing. Is that a practised skill, or does it come naturally?
A Brilliant Term - I see variations of this on Social Media Either with Tipping or “Buy my Creative Product” or Even just begging for Validation and Approval - But Worst of All I recognise this Trait in a Past Version of my Self with my Parents - Another Lesson learnt🥴 Great Vid L & Scribed
Somehow giving it a name is empowering!
Yes!
I don’t think this is entirely fair. Sometimes people in need talk about their problems, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are angling for a handout or manipulating. If you don’t want to give them something, don’t.
Those people would probably turn down help or at least not expect it/hold it over someone’s head.
Thank you for defining a circumstance I've been dealing with with for a very long time you nailed it.
Great video..never heard this term before but heard this play out a million times.
Really appreciate your communication style. You pack a lot of info into a short time frame. Important work and it helps!
Bang on Darren.
Brilliantly insightful as always.
Had a person I was helping & I stopped. They said they needed food, I took them grocery shopping. They got mad I wanted to pay their gas bill instead of giving them money. Told them I will help with bills & food but no money. She said I was being controlling & didn't understand. Wow, what an ungrateful person. I still wish her family well.
This channel manifests a remarkable depth of experience with these topics, for such a young fellow.
I hadn't heard the term before, and regarded what I now understand it means as just a form of playing the victim, the goal of which can be material or non-material.
Oh, Darren's going to be ecstatic when he reads your words-- such a 'young fellow'! He's not old enough to call himself an old man. He Definitely understands narcissism, and he unpacks it so well, which has helped me so much! I feel like I owe my sanity to him.
Best response to dry begging (said with a pleasant smile): "Well, good luck with that."
I didn't know what this term meant. Thanks. I like your suggestions of how to handle it. My middle sister does this crap. I can't stand it, and refuse to hang out with people like that. I prefer to help genuine people who actually appreciate it. Life's too short to share it with drama people.
Fascinating topic.
This helps me immensely. Thank you very much.
This is so interesting. Sometimes I say things and people offer to do things for me. It makes me so angry. I'm literally just explaining my predicament. I'm not the best socially. I wonder if people think I'm dry begging but I'm actually not! So good to get these different perspectives.
Fantastic video to discourage people from assisting those in their communities experiencing poverty, hunger, disability, who often do not have the communication skills to ask directly when they need help. Videos like this add to people who need help feeling like a burden and failing to ask for help.
Brilliant video putting a name to this despicable behavior! Thankful this appeared in my YT recommendations today. You’ve earned a new subscriber!
This practice has happened for ever. I didn't know it had a name. THANKS!
Excellent video! I had never heard the term before.
Just witnessed this from a supposed new "friend." Thanks for putting a name to it. As they say, "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them." So tired of BS. Happy to be alone.
".....believe them the first time."
This is what my younger son did to me for years, until I had to withdraw my financial aid. Then he moved to being angry and condescending with me, until I stopped enduring that too. His stance is that I always gave his brother "anything he wanted." Not true. For now, and maybe for the rest of my life, he's quit speaking to me at all. This is saddening but is more peaceful than what I was going through.
Never separated from mother & it’s too late to become an adult now ❤️🩹
Well done you.
Stay true to yourself here.
The label of "son" confers an onus on you to have to behave a certain way...but at the end of the day, when you remove the onerous label, your son is just another human being who mistreats other by using emotional manipulation...and you don't need someone like that in your life, irrespective of who they are.
Oh, gee, I heard that once and I explained to my child why that wasn't true at all. Some people have a hard time remembering everything you've done for them.
Wow.. you too? As a mother we do so much and then one little mistake , then they hate me and I am a horrible mother 😮
once upon a time brushed off after 2 weeks of normal life. Now confirmed and re-affirmed 20 000 times on social media.
My 80+ year old mother was an undiagnosed autistic until a few years ago. The behaviour was narcissistic in the same way that all toddlers are narcissists whose needs come first and the world revolves around having their needs met. I experienced this behaviour from her all of my life. After reaching adulthood I eventually recognised this aggravating pattern of 'dry begging' and deemed it 'hinting at wanting a favour', in the end I just stopped acknowledging the hints and would ignore them unless she asked outright for whatever it was she wanted/needed. She still does this from time to time even now but much less than she once did, which was all of the time.
Wow. This was my dad. I always knew the implications of his speech patterns, but it's like he was speaking in code and I was the interpreter and code breaker for others. One retort of his: "you know what I mean." Self-sufficient persona meets shameful vulnerability. It's really hard to understand how this "works". Loads of narc supply by playing the game 20 questions.
I'm really glad that you added the bit at the end about dry begging not being the exclusive purview of narcissists. I believe that someone close to me has an insecure attachment style, but has also, as a man, been heavily socialized to believe asking for help is weak. He doesn't do this often, but I think I will be more direct next time that it happens. It's important to recognize that a) most people are not narcissists, and b) some people have other issues that prevent them from asking for help.
As usual, great video!
(edited for typo)
A lady in a charity shop where I worked complained she didn’t have enough money for her electric and bills she only worked a few hours a week , just enough to get benefits , I offered her a cleaning job at good money every week , but she wasn’t interested , I found out later several of our volunteers had felt sorry for her and given her money ,she was lazy ,
Why work when they can con free goods and services from sympathetic people? Don't fall for it.
Or maybe she didn't have confidence to work that full time job. You never will know unless you further investigate. Some people decline certain jobs they don't feel they possess the skills or agility to perform. I've read Bible stories that reveals when people even with God favor on their life don't have confidence , they don't do certain things and suffer as a result.