THIS is why people cheat and how to PREVENT IT!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 18 ส.ค. 2022
- Understanding why people cheat and how to prevent it is paramount to the ultimate success of our marriages. We can't fix what we don't know is broken. And when people cheat, it means that something is off in the individual for sure, and also usually in the marriage as a whole. Few marriages end due to both people prioritizing intimacy and friendship and trust and kindness and thoughtfulness and consideration right? But millions of marriages die or get divorced due to a lack of those things. Of course that never justifies cheating, but if we want to heal our marriages after a sexual betrayal we have to understand what makes a strong marriage in the first place opposed to a weak compromised marriage.
How to turn her on: bit.ly/41AAZyS
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#affairs #affairrecovery #counseling
The thing i hate is when they call it a mistake. Its not, its a decision. A mistake is made out of ignorance. Decisions are the result of thinking.
This is so true
I agree!!
What hurt me was all of the sneaking around, lies, manipulation, deception, gaslighting that my ex did. I just think cheaters are selfish scum.
Define mistake???? Mistake is a wrong decision! The reason why people cheat is because spiritual discipline. When people don’t pray they abuse there body.
Thank you!! This is what I'm trying to make my husband understand.
I wish I have had someone telling me all this before I got married. My husband of 25 years used to behave like a dictator and all the red flags were there. Emotional abuse is a serious problem in a relationship. From emotional abuse, cheating started.Thank you *Johnsonspy* for posting this time to get me all the evidence.
My partner have been having serious relationship with people in his working place .last month he was given a tour to Mexico for a month. I sought for an advice from *Johnsonspy* a friend of mine that has a spying profession in ict who helped me monitor his phone so that I can view his activities right here on my phone in the state.
I actually thought this *Johnsonspy* was one of those scammers on here, But I actually tried him out and he turned out to be the real one here
I actually thought this *Johnson* was one of those scammers on here, But I actually tried him out and he turned out to be the real one here
I'm a UK born and living in Australia and I cannot express enough how much I despise these scumbags. Literally whenever people ask me my nationality I just tell them I'm British because idiots like these give us a horrendous reputation, not to also mention they scam other people too. It warms my heart to see stuff like this, please keep up the great recovery’s work Team *Johnsonspy* , thanks for destroying these scammers! And i won the case.....!!!
I actually thought this *Johnson* was one of those scammers on here, But I actually tried him out and he turned out to be the real one here
Congratulations, *Johnsonspy* I am relieved that you are out there fighting these thugs, We musttake every precaution to protect the elderly and the general public from these despicable con artists. Congratulations to You!! You deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for ensuring our security.
Hate when a cheater says 'it didnt mean anything'....it means EVERYTHING
I agree with your premise, but I think I come at it from a different direction.
If the cheating didn't mean anything, then the cheater burned their relationship down because they didn't care about their partner enough to spare them the pain of being betrayed. In other words, *_the relationship_* meant nothing.
@@katie6731I agree and I think that's the point. The cheater obviously has zero respect or affection for the partner. They may beg for forgiveness, but that only means that they have selfish reasons for wanting to maintain the relationship.
It just means they need to fuck. That they didn’t get emotionally involved. That the other person didn’t man anything to them.
Facts.
cheating only means something if there are feelings involved. Otherwise, it is just masturbation. There shouldn't be a different between a hooker an a sex doll.
My grandpa always ask "Is that a reason or an excuse?" There is no reason to cheat, only excuses. If something is broken you can fix it or walk away. You are never forced to pull the pin on the trust grenade and damage a person you once loved.
Wise words 👍
Not quite. Most aren't really making a decision. It's not just wants on the surface, it's trauma acting out and a part of you might witness it and not understand it at all what's going on.
I have inquired into many cases and it's also cheating outside of relationships as couples like friends, family.
Each needs to own it. Both sides. And figure out what brought about that misery.
@@annelbeab8124💀 terrible response.
@26Bluegb
100% accurate.
Selfishness and making selfish choices is the number one destroyer of marriages no matter how it manifests. Period.
What if a man I brutally beating his wife? She's too scared to leave, he's isolated here from her friends and family and controls all the money?
Then one day she strikes up a friendship with another man and finds it to be a safe shelter from her life back at home, and they slowly descend into an affair?
I'm not saying it's right, but that's definitely a situation that could be a "reason" to cheat.
I felt cheated on when he showed his coworkers were more important than me.
I felt cheated on when I made my birthday easy for him by telling him exactly what I wanted and he went and offered that to someone else.
I felt cheated on every time I would ask him for help with the children and he would send me his sister.
I felt cheated on every time he spoke to his mother on the phone for an hour, but never had time to talk to me.
I felt cheated on every time he forced his way during our intimate moments than complaining we weren't having enough sex.
I felt cheated on when I confronted him on his abuse and he went to my parents with lies and turned them against me.
I felt cheated on when he abandoned me and the children financially then demanded I move back into the bedroom lest he should feel tempted to lust after other women.
Betrayal in marriage happens in so many ways and it is devastating in each way
Amen. Sorry you went thru that.
I feel like there is a LOT more to this story, but I'm not here to judge.
Just break up and move on. Life is too short for that kind of shit.
Narcissistic act like all that you went through. They are selfish to the core.
😢 That's unfortunate. You deserve peace. I hope you obtain it. I learnt that, people are aware of the hurt they inflict to other. If they don't care, they don't.
As a person and professional you couldn't get any better than Dale Valskov is a very reliable person and an excellent professional in the IT field. He is the type of person you want to work that's passionate, hardworking and knowledgeable. You’re The Best 100%
Even when my ex husband was cheating on me, he said because I wasn’t doing a certain act often enough (we were trying for a baby at the time so it definitely wasn’t due to lack of sex) and then he didn’t want to be intimate with me for over a year because “you want it too much”, when in reality he was just cheating more, in that time I never cheated on him. There is no excuse for cheating on someone. Why do people not just break up if they don’t want to be with their partner anymore?
Because they want all the goodness that their partner provides, so they dont want to lose their partner. Equally, they don't want to face the grief of a breakup, the consequences of choices, and the possibility that the new romance will fade away. They don't want to deal with the unpleasent traits of other partners, or to built a real relationship with them. They only want to stroke their ego, and feel validated that someone is sexually available for them. It seems that your ex husband was a narcissist because he was gaslighting you with fake excuses trying to put the blame and shame on you. I am deeply sorry you went through this hell.
I’m sorry you went through that. Cheaters cheat because they don’t have the integrity or mental toughness to end a relationship and seek a new one. I’ve always suggested that upon discovery of infidelity that you never reward or honor their bad behavior with a conversation or confrontation. Leave them a written note explaining how you discovered it, provide undeniable evidence and disappear from their existence. You should never seek closure with a cheater, it’s only a chance for them to brag and stroke their ego (plus them cheating is your closure). Not giving cheaters closure is mentally damaging to them. I’ve done it 3 times - never take blame for a cheater’s actions, ever- just let the other person have them.
Total selfishness and money.
I hope you have support from people you trust and that you have a brighter future.
No excuses, I was wrong, I was uneducated. I did not take someone else's feelings and thoughts into consideration. I was selfish. I was still a child really, I had no guidance. I thought I wanted more but I could not see what was right in front of me. over 10 years later and I would never take that path again. I have learnt to talk, understand and listen. I live in regret. That's the hardest part.
I have felt this recently I feel so bad I can’t even tell her I’m sorry in person
@@standground7956 that’s true I wasn’t feeling bad and now after several chances she stopped caring. She found a new man. It’s been 2 months. I feel like an idiot for not considering break up withdrawals. I think I’ll just feel better that I say sorry to her in person but it’s not gonna happen. She says she doesn’t wanna ever see me again. She treated me the best with the uptmost respect and never cheated but I did. Lesson learned. Now I have to deal with it like a man.
@@mustafamohabat4219 That's on you. You might be surprised how much a simple "I'm sorry I did..." could do. Try writing her a note being specific about what you did and how you regret doing it without blaming her for anything. By you feeling so bad that you cannot tell her you're sorry is totally focused on yourself and your feelings, not her and her feelings.
This goes with cheating in non physical ways. Just as heartbreaking
Emotional cheating is worse that physical cheating
Yes! It happened to me.
I think it hurts even more! An emotional affair to me is just as bad as just having sex with someone else. If you’re going to do one you may as well have sex because the result is going to be the same.
I had both first he asked if he could date another woman.
Yeah like an online affair.
They're FaceTiming, sexting, and sending each other nudes etc....
But they didn't actually meet up in person so it doesn't count as cheating 🙄
I almost cheated, my ex was so pre-occupied with everything and everyone else’s needs, for awhile. I was “immature and insecure” for communicating this to him, many times. He wasn’t listening. I wouldn’t go as far to say I had a full-blown emotional affair, I didn’t allow it to get physical, but this handsome man checking in with me, being attentive, making me feel great was nice. My ex actually said “wow, you seem really happy lately”. He was completely clueless.
THIS.
Yeah. A lot of times it's lack of emotional need fulfillment.
Yeah, sorry. If we are going with "watching porn is cheating" then what you did is definitely an emotional form of cheating
Why didn’t you dump the boyfriend and pursue the guy you had an emotional affair with?
@@standground7956 As in, rotate between people who are infatuated with you only to realize the same thing keeps happening. Yeah, Why not switch to the new person before attempting to address the "why" head on
Congratulations, Dale Valskov I am relieved that you are out there fighting these thugs, We musttake every precaution to protect the elderly and the general public from these despicable con artists. Congratulations to You!! You deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for ensuring our security.
"What she doesn't know, doesn't hurt her, because ask my wife, it hurts".
Yup. My husband said the same. He thought I would never find out. I did. It hurts.
it’s like the first part doesn’t apply - you didn’t know , until you knew - so that only applies as the spouse never finds out
I´m so sorry to read this. The "what she doesn't´t know doesn't´t hurt her" sentiment is basically never true, and it is never as untrue as in this situation. All the best of relief to you.
If a Wife doesn’t know her husband is having an affair it still hurts her in many ways:
When the husband turns cold, has little to no relationship with his Wife, has the bare minimum communication with her and turns his back on her.
This disconnect between them causes her pain. And often when he is embroiled in an affair. he will put his Wife down to her face and only see her negative attributes.
She feels the contempt in his dismissive look, she hears his disgust for her in his voice.
Often times cheaters magnify their Wife’s faults in order to justify what they’re doing.
The Wife feels ALL of this, and even if she doesn’t know that he’s cheating he is still definitely hurting her!
Clearly, he also can hurt her if he gives her a sexually transmitted disease.
He also hurts the children because often times dear old Dad spends less time present with the kids when he is daydreaming about his adulterous partner.
The kids feel this distance as their relationship changes for the worse.
“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” is incorrect.
The people who live with the cheater feel the pain as he disconnects and checks out.
He could be sitting on the couch right in front of them but when his mind is on another planet - (i.e. fantasy island) - they feel it.
His eyes go dark - even though he is physically there, no one is home.
Even when the adulterous relationship is still a secret, he hurts his Wife and kids as he moves further and further away from them.
In the end most affairs DO get discovered.
Then not only does the Wife feel betrayed, but the kids do as well because they realize all the times Dad lied to THEM, put their safety, security and family at risk for destruction, became someone they don’t even recognize all for his own selfishness.
They also see how Dad nearly destroyed their Mother whom they love very much.
What the cheater doesn’t know that WILL hurt him one day is his life will turn into an epic sh*t show that he never expected.
100%
“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” Is a LIE.
Affairs end up hurting EVERYONE in the end.
.
And then they blame you for finding out and blame you for why the cheat. They can't look at themselves.
Even if they don’t know, it hurts because they can sense the disconnect. It hurts more when they realize why.
As a married Christian woman to a narcissist of 31 years, I'm just ready to get out. He isn't going to change and I've come to terms with it. I have been living a parallel life with him and his abuse has driven me to be done. Watching my son and his beautiful bride get married last week brought it on for the desire to be done. I have not cheated but am being tempted bc loneliness and abuse has taken its toll on me and can't deal with it anymore. So I'm out. I have prayed and decided to not let this temptation go any further than friendship until I am divorced. Didn't want to divorce but can't take what the verbal abuse, emotional neglect, lack of love and never ending put downs any longer. So I'm out. Don't want to cheat, just want out.
Sadly religion keeps many people in abusive relationship. Don’t cheat get separation agreement signed and end this toxicity. I hope you are out of that mess.
Good job on protecting yourself sanity!
I divorced my ex narcissist Christian self righteous a- hole. I divorced him because I figured out he would never change and only get worse. Sick of the emotional and verbal abuse, lying tongue and always getting gaslit. Get out of it. Narcissism is hell!
Get out now. I stayed a decade longer than I should have for the sake of my kids. If your kids are grown up and independent then you should leave.
The narcissits do not take care of you in old age or when you empty nest. That is when they cheat or you discover they were cheating.
Dale Valskov . I really appreciate your efforts and dedication towards the work. May God bless you to keep showing your worth and skills like this in the future
The efficiency of this *Brian hacks online* is next level. To juggle walk throughs of various angles on the topic delivered to-camera, differnet content per topic from various folks underneath the umbrella of the track list of the larger big band concert itself is engaging and refined. To make a dense taccess like this so digestible is really something.
As someone who has been cheated on and has cheated…it takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage to own your actions, use them to encourage others on public forums, and we can ALL do better! Thank you so much for the service you’re providing to humanity! I laugh, I cry out Amen!, I cry and I learn every single time I watch. I’m so thankful for your voice of reason and wisdom about relationships. Thank you, Jimmy and your wife because this work takes takes two….💗
It sure does take two! Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so much!
Same,I didn't know if I should have commented but I've also experienced it and done it.
I can't imagine getting cheated on and staying in a marriage.... it sounds like torture. I don't understand people that stay. If anything of the kind ever happen to me I'm out instantly. Cheating proves a lack of integrity and people can change if they want it hard enough....but most of the time old ways come back
Exactly, the lack of integrity is beyond - putting someone you claimed to love in harms way physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is not something I believe you come back from by keeping access to everything you betrayed.
I said the same thing before it happened to me. And 3 years later. Divorce. And I’m still hurting- I don’t think he is.
I used to think that... Now I'm 12 yrs into a marriage... Who JUST found out my spouse cheated 6 months into our marriage. Now I can't stop replaying everything since then.
I don't understand you wanted something you felt like you were missing something? Why not emotionally own what you need with your PARTNER. why do men seem to be so emotionally inept? It takes a CHOICE to do the the damage to your family/spouse/children etc. And what I've learned is that people who choose to cheat... Fall very HIGH in the category of narcissism. All they think about is themselves and the instant "gratification" but NOT by the pain and work it takes to NOT LOSE your spouse.
Societal expectations and social media in my opinion has ruined what reality is.
There’s a lot of reasons people stay, being gaslit by everybody that you need to forgive, try for the kids, etc. or other abuses going on.
People stay because they have a lot of love for them and hope they’ll change/stop. Also, it’s likely financially not able to leave and maybe insecurities and confidence issues.
As someone who chases monogamous, emotional connection, deep love... Being cheated on was the biggest spit in my face and has honestly scarred me from getting close to others, my perspective shifted to how meaningless sex really is.
It's been years since that event and I've been single ever since. I'm in my mid 20s. It's hard to see the humanity in those that I date now, all I see is selfish creatures for an opportunity to take advantage if I ever get vulnerable.
Since then I've been focusing on my health and wealth, most modern people don't have their priorities straight and just care about the highs they'll get, not the people they meet.
I pray God sends you someone kind who can help you find love again 🙏🏾💕 May God heal your heart. Blessings to you
Holding on to the hurt like that only continues to hurt you. You're allowing the past action of that person to hold you back from finding a happier relationship. Not saying everyone has to be with someone, but it sounds like that was really important to you once. It would be sad to allow the actions of one person to fundamentally change you and your core values. I know it's hard to open up to people, but I would suggest starting by talking to a therapist to try to help you let go
It's been a year and I still feel the bitterness from my own experience. But we have to have them take accountability and not generalize their actions towards others. It's so difficult, but I tell myself there are good people out there every day. It's only the negative things that get all the buzz and noise so it feels hopeless.
It's been 3 months since you commented so I'm hoping you're in a better headspace while I know months are just short in time.
I wish people knew the damage betrayal trauma causes, 2-5 years on average to heal and even then, the memories are still there. Some married couples who stay still remember that time 20 and 40 years after too...
But, there's a community for people like us. I'm rooting for you since you're still in your 20s. Don't let this experience take away from a life worth living potentially with someone who is trustworthy and more than willing to love you in the way you deserve to be loved.
Sounds like you were cheated by one person on project those traits onto the collective.
You were sounding like a 50 year old lol. Your 20s? You just got emotionally inmature people in your life in a period before "settling down" or "finding themselves". Just be patient
My narcissist former husband, once told me while being married, "I want to have my cake, and eat it too." He didn't "need" anything other than a weaker spouse. And, he got it.
Screw that guy
Yes, narcissists are like that. They cheat the way they lie. They have no empathy.
Good for you for leaving!
I watched one of your videos yesterday and decided that I was CHOOSING to stay in a marriage where I was being neglected. I totally broke down and Forced my husband to hash it out with me. It WORKED, and he listened! THANK YOU FOR THE PUSH!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏
Amazing that is great I also tried to do this but my husband unfortunately hasn't listened nothing's changed he doesn't let me speak when I turn on Jimmy he turns on something else on his phone and turns it up and complains about whatever topic Jimmy's talkin about I've taken clips from his show and sent them to him I even made a video with words on paper holding it up to the camera as I spoke and it was very deep and I've not heard anything from him since then and I'm afraid he might have broken me. I'm so sad
@@michellemccrea4 I am so so sorry!!! If it’s any consolation, I’ve tried a less desperate version of this many times in the past. This time was different because I snapped, and he could tell how serious it was. And believe me, it Seemed serious in the past. This time I Made him listen, and it took a bit, but he finally did. Tonight he booked us a fancy hotel as a surprise. Something I’ve been asking him for for Years. So there Is hope! Whatever level you’re on, intensity it times 1,000. And I will pray so hard that you get through to him! 💝
😥
@@michellemccrea4Being alone would be less lonely than being with your man.
Dang yeah. It’s better to physically be alone, than feel alone when your spouse is right by you.
I was the cheater in my marriage and I always said it was because my husband wasn't paying much attention to me anymore. But, thanks to this video, I now know why I cheated. It was bc I was looking for something from someone else because of my own immaturity emotionally in the marriage. Thanks for posting this video and helping me understand why I did what I did. I've already accepted the responsibility of my actions, held myself accountable for my wrong doing. Again, I appreciate your video.
Why did you choose to cheat instead of divorcing your husband, then pursue the person you cheated with?
@@standground7956not OP, but usually because they don't actually want a divorce. They want to keep their partner and their marriage, but they want that piece they are missing. It's usually attention and validation, someone else is making you feel attractive and desirable and so you wanna have your cake and eat it too. A lot of cheaters also think they'll never get caught.
@@standground7956 emotional immaturity. the person admitted it
@@standground7956because you still love and want that person. I've never cheated but that doesn't seem hard to understand. I want to get what I want but I don't want my life to change.
Easy. The spouse provides benefits. That’s why cheaters suck. They want everything they can from their spouse but don't fully commit to the respect and love the spouse needs.
My wife emotionally cheated on me, and we stayed together and started to put the work in to fix our struggles. It’s been one of the hardest things I have had to deal with since she betrayed me
I hope you will both find happiness and healing. One day at a time
@@smurph9475 thank you, it’s been one day at a time
Thank you for exposing how pornography destroys the relationship.
I was emotionally and physically abused in my 17 year marriage. I was too afraid to leave and cheated on him just to find happiness. I know it was so very wrong of me to do that to him and my marriage was a total sham. I did however get the strength and courage to leave him after I had cheated. I definitely regret cheating on him but I am glad I'm not married to a narcissistic monster anymore. I applaud your honesty in all of your videos. This was a good one for me to watch😊👍
sounds like you did the best thing in the end.
Exactly. There are times when you’ve exhausted all options. You’ve done everything for the relationship, you’ve given past your maximum, you’re exhausted, looking for scraps of love or care and getting nothing, but the person makes you think you’re crazy for wanting those things so you just internalize and think you’re wrong for wanting it or you’re just so frustrated because there’s NO EMPATHY whatsoever. If you’re so broken down by your partner it’s not always easy or possible to leave. Especially if you’re depressed and in a mentally or physically abusing situation. You aren’t even looking for someone else. But if/when someone else comes along and offers you some level of care and respect….. well it’s like expecting a starving dog not to eat the food you offer it
You're not alone. In cheating literature, they have found that typically there are two types of people who cheat. Serial cheaters who always have and most likely always will unless they get help, and then the group of people who are so broken down from a really dysfun and relationship that the cheating reminds them of their worth and that they CAN leave. This is usually the first time these people cheat and they feel liberated by it. But essentially, cheating tends to come down to insecurity and in a perfect world, would never happen. As well as the initial abuse for that matter!
Be aware that whatever HE did to YOU, YOU emotionally, psychologically, & sexually abused HIM by cheating. My stbx would cry to the high heavens what a victim HE was while I was an amazing wife, provider, caretaker, & mother. His perceived victimhood gave him the justification for his abuse.
I don't know your situation, but for those reading here: those who cry 'victim' the loudest are actually abusers gaslighting their actual victims. I hope you're in a better place than you were then.
While I was mistreated I never ever cheated. I asked if we needed a divorce and was told they would try. Never happened so I left before I ever spoke to another man.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator METASPYCLUBLLC@GMAIL. COM to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
You need some serious help if you think that is the best solution.
I was right there with you until the last sentence proved you’re a BOT.
I love the accountability route you took here!!!! To be blamed for being cheated on is the most insane thing especially when the person never says they needed something.
It truly sucks. Why commit if you know you are unable to resolve conflict.
You’re so right :(
You realize this is all an act, right?
@@sarahrobertson634what do you mean?
@@Stellalovely1 This guy is a narcissist
Account of mine also got hacked and I followed the method as explained in this video but I'm unable to proceed after recording the selfie video. Thank you Dale Valskov . It brings me immense joy to witness his name appearing frequently in comments, a clear indication of the commendable work he’s been doing.
A lot of people don’t realize that cheating isn’t always physical it can be emotional too😢my hubby and I have been married 34 years and together 41 and all his siblings are divorced they want to know how we’ve been married for so long it’s because we argue and express our feelings even if they hurt the other person’s feelings we don’t avoid each other, and we took our commitment to each other and to God seriously!
Good. For. You!
It's amazing what you do Dale Valskov We need a lot of people with your skills and set who have good intentions and spread love
Honestly, Dale Valskov I'm amazed by your consistent ability to deliver exceptional work every single time. Your willingness to lend a helping hand during my time of need is deeply appreciated. Thank you for your support and kindness.. I take pride in your capability to overcome any challenge and consistently achieve outstanding results regardless of the circumstances.
People cheat because they *want* to. That's it.
And the opportunity arises.
Amen👏
Yep.. They did it cause they felt like it. Point Blank..
My first husband told our kids he cheated on me because I didn’t give him what he needed. Trash taking itself out 🙌🏻
So familiar. My ex acted like he was the victim when he announced to our 8 kids, “your dad is an adulterer!” He even told my 17 yr old daughter I was no longer satisfying to him! Such an ass. Five years later and he’s committed all sorts of parental alienation. I know that in the end, his hell will be hot.
I'm literally overwhelmed, You are a blessing to the world. I can't thank you enough Dale Valskov for helping me with my account recovery. My prayers will always be with you and your team. Keep it up guys. Love from Maldives. There are many people out there I pray everybody get help.
"How to prevent people from cheating."
You don't because you're not responsible for someone's infidelity. Someone who wants to cheat will cheat, and there is no stopping them.
Sounds obvious to me but hey apparently not.
When we talk about prevention we are talking about the protection of the abused spouse. Cheating is a category of a sexual abuse by the way.
So, since we can’t control what other people do, we can control what we do and how we respond.
There are generally many red flags 🚩 before it leads to infidelity.
Relationship becomes toxic verbally abusive, neglectful, the cheating spouse maybe viewing pornography. Those are just some of the red flags.
Why can’t we teach people to not tolerate toxic behaviour and stay in toxic relationship until the cheating spouse will present you with the fact of infidelity?
I think once put downs, insults and blaming starts relationship should stop.
You don’t need to stay there because it will only get worse.
😂 yeah would seem obvious lol but I mean this kind of thing hurts so bad why not try the best you can to save someone else from 💩 decisions. I think with all his videos and teaching, if there’s one single person he helped think twice and end up not cheating then it’s worth it for him to scream out “stop man, don’t do it”.
If stoning in the old days didn't prevent people from doing it then nothing one person can do today could prevent it. Fact is most men cheat by self admission anonymous surveys on a significant other at least once in their lifetime. Like 75 percent admit it. Also, cheaters cheat at other things too, first so it's always on them. I've never heard of one that didn't cheat at other things and lie and be sneaky about other things a lot. Totally their deficiency and immaturity due to lack of empathy, compassion, integrity, and intellectually honest awareness.
I feel like if your spouse withholds sex and doesnt change even after talking with them about it then they shouldnt get mad when you delegate the responsibility to someone else
In both personal and professional realms, Dale Valskov shines as an outstanding individual. His work within the IT field consistently showcases reliability and excellence. Dale Valskov possesses a unique blend of passion, dedication, and profound knowledge that distinguishes him from others. His unwavering commitment to delivering exceptional results renders him an indispensable asset to any project or team.
Being honest may not save your marriage. But, it most definitely will beat what lying and deception are going to do to it.
Absolutely
Yeah I definitely don't agree about transparency about being "pulled to someone else". That would absolutely KILL a lot of marriages and relationships 🤦🏽♀️
It could save it though
@@xxxmelissatacionxxxI disagree
@@Alloniya well I'm in a long term relationship and if my partner told me he has an urge to cheat on me, our relationship would be over 🤷🏽♀️
This video helped me put an end to spending time with someone who is in an unhappy longterm relationship. Everyone in this would-be triangle deserves better. I really appreciate this video for bringing clarity to all the pain and problems cheating brings! Thank you.
💯- same boat and put a pin in it x
I’m really grateful to see someone talk about those who stay and fight through it. He cheated. It got to kissing. It breaks me constantly. And though it knocked the wind out of me, I can see where some of these things could have pushed him away.
He didn’t talk to me though and played like it was all ok because he felt what he felt and didn’t want to let go of her.
It’s still so hard to even see that he had a point where he chose her, a recently married woman and coworker, over me and our kids.
He was willing to risk it all for that feeling because he knew he’d never actually have her. A feeling he can have with me if hed have stopped stonewalling me, and I would have stopped letting him avoid and giving him too much space. It’s still so raw. Some days idk how I’m going to push past the feelings of betrayal and insecurities.
One day at a time.
Emma, you're so right. It would be extremely difficult for anyone who had to go through what you went through. There are never any justifications for cheating. There are always alternatives. It's definitely possible for him to rebuild trust and for you to have the intimate relationship you desire. But it always takes a lot of work (from both partners unfortunately). Have you guys started working with a professional? A really good book that helped me understand how badly I had hurt Emily was called "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" by linda macDonald. Check it out for me. You guys can read it together and talk about what resonates with each of you. I'm so sorry again. Praying for both of you.
@@JimmyonRelationships thank you. He’s my best friend. And this was nothing like him. Our parents, and sisters cried. It devastated everyone. We have always been each others person so, this shook my foundation. I find myself being so afraid that I will mess it up and he will leave. And scared to let him have access to how much I’m hurting.
He and I are both seeing someone separately. I a counselor from my church and him a therapist through his work. Hopefully we can get into something together at some point. It was a big jump for him to see anyone. I will look for it and see if he’d be willing to read it with me.
(Sorry english isn't my motherlangage)
Thanks for sharing.
I understood that the cheater will have to live with the fact that the victim will never, ever - no matter the amount of good will and efforts and willingness of both the victim and the cheater - regain 100% trust in the cheater. It's a fact and it's simply logical for any such victim in the world.
And, obviously, it's the victim, who'll have to live with her/his trust damaged forever now, that will have the hardest and more taxing position.
It will be normal and completely logical that the doubt, the sadness, maybe the anger (also linked to that doubt and sadness) will come back chronically. And the cheater must be prepared to manage that righteous state of mind of the victim : every time that it's the case. The cheater will have the task to reassure the victim every time it will be necessary, knowing it will only be until the next time. And that next time may be in an year or may be in a minute.
The lack of trust, the sad or angry, etc. behavior linked to having been cheated on will not be the fault of the victim. Never. The cheater has to comprehend that fact. Because now it's that reality forever.
It's hard for both the cheater and the victim ; but way more hard for the victim who'll question herself/himself and her/his choice of staying with the cheater.
The victime will +- regularly question her/his own value : why the other cheated. That's a wound the cheater inflicted and it can't be 100% healed. A wound always opened, always hurting.
The cheater has to understand that : to be able to cope for the best with the consequences oh her/his cheating.
"Some days idk how I’m going to push past the feelings of betrayal and insecurities."
Honey, I have been where you are. The only way to push past these insecurities is for HIM to work his butt off to show you he is doing his work and being a trustworthy person. If YOU just try really really hard to trust him before he has earned it, well, you're just extending trust he hasn't earned, and setting yourself up for another betrayal. Don't trust him until he has proven himself trustworthy with his ACTIONS even more than his words for a period of years, not weeks or months. And if he ever deflects blame to you or gets mad about boundaries you are setting or wanting to know where he is or see his phone, then he is not in the place he needs to be in order for you to trust him.
I've been there. It hurts. I wish you the best.
Time helps, but like any grief out doesn't entirely go away. Think of grief as being a box with a button and an always moving ball and every time the ball presses the button it hurts and you feel all the pain of your hurt and grief. When the grief is new, the ball is so large that it can't help but keep pressing that button. Every time you see the smallest trigger of the thing you are griefing happens, every time something reminds you of the betrayal. Over time, and with support, the ball can shrink, which means it will bump against the button less and less, and maybe press it less firmly, but it will always be there.
We don't only grieve when someone dies. We grieve for many reasons, the loss of a relationship, of a job etc. We grieve when our expectations of the future change unexpectedly and unpleasantly. And we grieve when we have to unwillingly adapt to those changes.
It can hurt less. And you might learn to trust your husband again. But talk to him about this video and try to talk about the issues it brings up for you both. What need wasn't being met? Why was he stonewalling? Why were you letting him get away with being distant? What do you both need to do to invest in the relationship? If you can't have these kinds of conversations with your husband, especially now, then this won't get better and you should end things.
The efficiency of this Dale Valskov is next level. To juggle walk throughs of various angles on the topic delivered to-camera, differnet content per topic from various folks underneath the umbrella of the track list of the larger big band concert itself is engaging and refined. To make a dense taccess like this so digestible is really something. Awesome work jack!!
"...the goal is to make our marriage tempting again." brilliant. great vid.
It just kept glitching on me when I tried this video tutorial so firstly I would say thank you for the video and secondly, thank you Dale Valskov meeting you was a blessing in disguise keep up with the good work I'm sure a lot of people will be needing your assistance iin the nearest future after seeing this
Marriage is a team sport. You have to have each other‘s back. It’s like playing doubles tennis. She does what she’s good at, and you do what you’re good at (you compliment each other). And when one person‘s not feeling good that day, the other person takes up the slack for a while, and vice versa. If you have one person looking at porn on his phone during the tennis match of life, and the other person is carrying all the weight of the match, OR the other person is running off the court to flirt with a girl in the stands and you’re having to play doubles tennis by yourself on your side of the court, it’s time to leave.
*complement
I heard someone say at some point in time in my life, "Marriage takes two people, not one."
A marriage isn't a 50/50 deal, both need to give 100%.
Spot on. There’s absolutely no excuse to cheat. Ever. It’s no one’s fault except the cheater. It’s really one of the worst things you can do to someone. I’m going to have my partner to watch this video. Thank you for making it.
Thanks Natalie
I disgree, if your spouse withholds sex and does nothing to change that then they shouldnt get mad when you delegate that responsibilty to someone else
Partner? Why continue to live in sin and not get married? You have no ground to criticize adultery.
@@nunya887If you act like you’re “entitled” to sex, no one healthy is going to want to be with you. Our bodies are something we give access to volitionally. To compel sex, even through intimidation (like threat of abandonment) or manipulation (like guilt tripping) is the opposite of consent. If you want sex, figure out what makes your wife feel safe, sexy, and appreciated. No woman wants sex to be demanded from her like she a victim of trafficking. Show her love, respect, and gratitude that she’s chosen to spend time with you, and watch her open up to share more. That’s intimacy and it makes sex amazing. Try it and see. Good luck.
I was married to a narcissist and I was emotionally starving for love and attention but now I realize I did the wrong thing. I should have left, I was not in my right mind because of the abuse but I never cheated on a partner again. I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater, I’m proof that you can change.
Yes is sad that we can't never figure out or see things or red flags cuz we realized that we were married to a neglectful narcissist person walk away and don't ever look back 🔙 in the name of Jesus Christ son of God 🙏 l thank the Lord Jesus Christ for delivering me from that evil spirit person who claims to be Christian??? Walk away please
Jimmy, thank you for your humbleness, honesty, and courage in sharing this about yourself and your marriage. Thank you for owning it. This lets other couples know there is always hope if you are ready to put in the work. ♥️
I don't know...true humility would be not broadcasting it online.
He’s trying to warn and help others to not do what he did, not many people doing that and for real he’s probably helped some people think twice and not go through with the cheating they might be contemplating, I think he’s pretty sincere with it. Honestly it seems like most people are only sorry they got caught or sorry they hurt their spouse but not sorry they did it. I don’t know what the right answer is, to stay and do the work or leave, but either way if you don’t get some kind of help to heal from the pain from getting cheated on then you’ll probably end up with the same type of person in the next relationship.
Fair enough! You may have a point@@meagsfears8449
@@MissModernprincess That doesn't make any sense to me. Cheating is a shameful thing, and he's owning it. Are you saying that he's being...arrogant or something by saying he was being a shitty, selfish person?
@@MissModernprincess To help others not go down the same path or show them how to recover from the path he took. That's not pride, that's the opposite, HUMILITY! He didn't have to share the deep stuff he does. He does it to help others by showing them it can be fixed, that all is not lost IF both partners are willing to put in the hard work.
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Bless your heart *Johnsonspy*. Its SO sad how the scammers prey on the elderly and the uninformed public.. Bless you and all others who fight against these crimes. Its horrible how mainstream media is not doing the right thing by shining light on these things to help the public.....!!!!
The acknowledgment of dale is deeply valued for recognizing your commitment to your role, Dale Valskov exceptional performance has been incredibly beneficial to me. Thank you for your hard work and dedication. Your fantastic idea was instrumental in the success of my request, and I am truly grateful. Your reliability is invaluable, and I appreciate your dedication and the quality of your work.
The TIME and EFFORTS you had put into this work that is beyond excellence . Take my cordial thanks! You are really an efficient, organized and result-oriented man. I haven’t seen such quality work in a long time. Great job, Keep it up.And i will make sure the world knows more about you and the good deed you have done for me, people like you Dale Valskov, with your help i was able to catch my cheating gf
Some people could do everything right and their partner will still cheat. If someone is going to do it they are going to do it regardless. And they probably will again, the only way to "stop them from cheating on you" is to leave them and move on to someone who will appreciate you and respect you enough to not cheat.
I can totally understand that perspective!
You can say “someone who won’t cheat” but just cause you meet a stranger and they haven’t cheated on you yet doesn’t mean they won’t. I’d rather be with someone who’s cheated and puts the work in to change than a stranger. That perspective makes no sense
@@Masterdeber 🤔That’s actually such a dang good point. It still effing hurts worse than anything.😆Literally, I guess everyone is different because some say emotional is worse than a full out sexual affair. I’d been abused in every way growing up and married to someone else, didn’t even know marital sexual abuse was a thing till after that marriage and got therapy but when you get sexually betrayed by someone you love and trust, I’d rather go through my entire childhood abuse a thousand times over than go through a full blown sexual affair. I’d been cheated on before but geez, it makes a difference when you really believe they’d never do this type of thing and then they do. Sure the emotional part hurts but my skin crawls with the actual sexual act. Idk if anyone knows what that feels like but it’s like a weird crawling under my skin and I want to rip it off but have to pretend like you’re not going mad so you don’t get put in a straight jacket. No I don’t do drugs, that’s just literally what it feels like. 😂 💔 🤢 😭
@@meagsfears8449I hear you and once described it the same, exact way! After years of studying infidelity, I think that physical feeling is our nervous system reacting to being triggered.
Being cheated on is traumatic which is why experts say we have a form of PTSD.
It’s horrible to feel like this.
No matter HOW ‘bad’ of a partner you were you don’t deserve this.
Things CAN get better - for me it took a lot of walking, talking to God, processing what happened and prayer for that horrible physical feeling underneath my skin to go away.
I also tried to explain that sensation to my partner but knew it must have sounded crazy because it was so odd!
@@Masterdeberso the devil you know idea...well that rarely works statistically because the vast majority of people who cheat once will cheat again but then 75percent of all men admit to having chested on a significant other so yeah the chances of finding one who won't is slim anyhow. The issue is that if you leave or they cheat again, what Work are you doing on yourself while they are trying to work on themselves. If they backslide and aren't willing to try again to admit fault and put all the blame.on you then what? What work have you done to prepare yourself and to change enough to see the red flags in new relationships and avoid repeating mistakes?
Run out the door with a lying cheater.. he will repeat it, she will repeat it…. Trust me. I could never trust again… done and dusted.
Instead of the bad word analogy I would say: If one spouse isnt getting what they want in a marriage (sex), it is because of the circumstances. It tells me that, the spouse not receiving it, is probably not creating an enviromnent with their spouse that makes the spouse feel safe enough to make themselves vulnerable enough to share themselves sexually.
The justification I got for everything was he didn’t feel loved.. that I didn’t behave like a girlfriend he thought I should behave like.. and yet he would tell me that in order to marry me I would have to offer a lot more.. I left the guy.. and all I can do is look at my part.. the part of how I need to heel not only from what happened.. but why I would accept this for myself.. deep childhood wounds.. self belief or low self confidence.. and worthiness issues.. giving and over giving.. and now I understand.. I am headed home to myself ❤.
That’s the excuse I got from my husband. It was turned around on me. And I felt horrible. In the end I chose to forgive. But I question my decision every day. 💔
My ex husband emotionally checked out of our relationship about 6 months after we got married. I tried I gave him everything he needed but he gets bored. This went on for years just dodging the issues. When I raised them, he'd say he'd try & 48 hrs later we we're back at square one again. I gave up in the end, and I focused all my attention on our dog's. He always said I loved the dog's more than him... Well, yes, of course I did I'm an animal lover. So when you're partner checks out straight after you marry what else are you going to do. So then, at the end of our relationship almost ten years of marriage. He meets another woman, but they haven't slept together yet as they are waiting for myself to leave the marital home. It wasn't mine anyway. it's rented. I told her she could keep him even though it hurt. I left with the clothes on my back. I divorced him & he tried to come after me for money. The judge granted my divorce & I've never remarried. I just don't see the point in it now. If I meet someone again, that's ok & if i don't, that's also ok. I've realised the only relationship I need is the I have with myself. I'm so much happier on my own. I'm from the uk
I’m really sorry for your pain. Glad to know that you are an animal lover. We never see an animal betray us and go behind new owners. Yes absolutely I agree with your point that men get bored and they seek novelty. According to professor Andrew huberman ‘ men need novelty because that boosts their testosterone levels’
Congratulations, I’m glad you left the other person have him. Being alone is always better than being with a known cheater. The person they cheat with are only there for the resources because they know what the cheater is capable of.
Just an fyi. I grew up with an emotionally unavailable mother who showered her dogs with more love and attention than she gave to her own children. It hurt then like it still hurts now when she treats her dogs like her children while ignoring her real children who are feet away. I'm not saying that you didn't give him love and attention, but I am saying that his feelings are valid and it IS possible to love animals too much if it gets in the way of human interaction and hurts relationships.
My narc partner gets upset because I cook for the dogs. And take such good care of my dogs. of course I do. They're always happy to see me. They never judge me. They never yell at me or call me names. They don't tell my secrets they don't publicly embarrassthey loved me unconditionally. Of course I'm good to my fucking dogs!
Having been on both sides of the fence, I live quite happily on my own with no drama. No stress and no std from other people. The end
Decades ago my husband began accusing me for years of cheating out of the blue (I was head over heels in love with him and asked him to marry me so this never made sense). I was astounded. I never could figure out why he was always angrily accusing me of cheating - causing turmoil, fights and tension over non-existent cheating. One day I decided I couldn't take it anymore and wanted him gone therefore was going to have an affair since I had been continuously punished for an imagined offense that never happened. That decision and resulting explosion brought to my attention the fact that he had been recording and listening to my phone calls without my knowledge for years so I got caught before I could even enacted it. That discovery and the accusations killed my love for him dead and it just couldn't be resurrected. In hindsight, our adult son thinks he had been the one cheating all along and reasoned that because he had been doing it that I had been too. Jealousy is an ugly cancer. I'm sorry I didn't have the nerve to leave early on but he convinced me I owed him financially and that I couldn't take care of myself. I was the fool to believe it.
Without a doubt he was cheating.
I recall the first time I "knew" my ex cheated. The air changed. He wouldn't admit it but I could "feel" it between us and see it in the men's faces he was on the ski trip with. The second time I knew for sure was when I ended up at the HPV clinic. The last time I found out was when he decided to "soil" my son's sandbox by having an affair with one of the producers of his community play. She got to keep her marriage, and they renewed their vows in Hawaii. But that was the finale for us. Personally, there is no "re do" on the "I do" in my world. Which date do you celebrate? The redo date or the best before date? What a reminder. I've been single going on six years, now. Every man who has shamelessly hit on me has been married. It's not just men cheating. My old boss is single and every woman he has been "dating" has been married or engaged! Crazy times.
Why hpv clinic?
For narcissists, its the game of getting away with cheating. Pulling the ultimate betrayal and not getting caught feeds the narcissistic ego that says "everybody is stupid but me"
Exactly! I know my ex cheated, yet he has never admitted it. Not even after I ended up with an STD. Even then he continued to deny that he cheated on me.
Accountability is the basis for maturity. Honoring your marriage is your responsibility.
You really had me with the rest of your videos, but this idea that “sexual betrayal is worse than other kinds of betrayal” is just not true. Long term emotional neglect, verbal abuse, and emotional gaslighting is TERRIBLE. It destroys you from the inside out. You’re right, should someone just leave? Maybe. But, there are so many messages that tell us (especially as women) that leaving is shameful, etc. And let’s be honest, if you’ve been neglected/abused/gaslit for years, you probably don’t even trust your own emotions and needs enough to leave.
This. But I won’t even try to explain my situation because it’ll still be wrong. I know it was.
He's a man, so that's how they see things.
I see that point of view and is totally true. I also get where he is coming from because bonding spiritually sexually with someone, sharing your body with another person you shouldn’t, is another deep level.
Sex to me is a deeper connection, spiritual tie, body bond, building oxytocin’s. It’s an emotional connection that someone is trying to build with someone else temporarily or not. Worries of stds etc. When you’re making love or sex cheating and go home to your spouse with a poker face making love to them, that’s deep and harsh.
Verbal and emotional abuse isn’t acceptable either, but at least they are showing you who they really are.
If someone accepts this type of behavior from their spouse they really need to look inward to see why. People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. Most of the time anyway. If you never stood up for yourself then you're also part of the problem
He said he's not comparing betrayals. He specifically said that.
And who is shaming women for leaving abusive men? Is it the abusive men themselves? Because they really can't be trusted.
Agreed. My spouse stopped giving me affection. He stopped giving me any attention. He stopped talking to me. So, my needs were not met. Did I cheat? NO! Was I tempted? Yes.
What I did was I brought up the matter of my needs. I discussed my issue respectfully and politely. His reply was accusations of me being "insecure"/"needy"/"sensitive"/"controlling", blame shifting and avoiding the conversation altogether. I felt double hurt: from unmet need and from induced guilt from even bringing up the issue. I felt guilty for even daring to speak extremely politely. I didn't know how to be more polite - maybe talk while standing on my knees and kissing his boots and call him "your high magnificence".... I started walking on egg shells and he started accusing me of "starting a fight" just if I was saying "good morning" in a nice tone of voice. 😮😮😮 Confusion and cognitive dissonance grew. He went into a a silent treatment with no discussion of anything. He refused to acknowledge my existence. I felt like I was living in hell for five years. I cried for five years in the bathroom. He knew and said nothing or did nothing. Eventually, he said "I don't give a f**k about your feelings". I had nothing else to do but to break up and divorce. And I did.
Later I studied his behavior patterns online. I wanted to discover why it hurts me when someone goes silent on me for months with no explanation and why it hurts when I am called selfish for even feeling that hurt ....I learned that silent treatment is supposed to hurt because it's emotional abuse. I never thought of that before. Being accused of being "sensitive" to actual emotional abuse is supposed to hurt too because it is how gaslighting makes you feel. His patterns of behavior, described online, matched one-to-one the description of a covert narcissist. I didn't even know the word "narcissist" before!
I went through hell with him. And I did break up and divorce. And throughout the whole nightmare I NEVER CHEATED.
I learned a lot about abuse and how to recognize it because of him.Now I am thankful for the experience. I am stronger now and I am proud of myself.
Losing him was my biggest gain of life. And his loss of me was his true loss. He actually lost someone who never cheated, and I feel sorry for his loss😂. Moreover, searching for cheaters' signs from various Internet sources, I discovered that he had many signs of a cheater.
GOOD. FOR. YOU! You ARE stronger and better because you chose to leave an untenable situation and work on healing yourself. Bravo!
Kudos to you, Dale Valskov for your extraordinary dedication and hard work in helping me recover my account. Your efforts are truly commendable, and I encourage you to maintain this exceptional standard as you embark on future endeavors. The path ahead is filled with promise for someone of your caliber
An emotional affair is just as devastating, and a much bigger threat to the actual marriage. It is so easy to justify because you're not having sex outside your marriage, so she is "just a friend" an "You are just overly Jealous" "you are crazy, it's all in your head" and "If you keep asking if I'm sleeping with her I might as well do it because it's like you are accusing me anyway." No, I just don't want my husband dating his co-worker and justifying it by saying "she is just a friend." a married man should not be tasking his female co-worker/friend out to ball games, breakfast, to the bar and to lunch and lying about it, especially when our family cannot even afford groceries.
Amen, and any woman who spends that kind of time with a man she knows is married is still a homewrecker.
🎯💯
Thank you for this video. I had an affair that created a tsunami of pain for myself and all those involved. I had the affair because my partner of 15 years was abusive. I wanted to feel loved and safe and was sick of being publicly humiliated and told how stupid I was with every perceived mistake. I greatly regret not getting help so I could leave him before it got to that point. The worst part was, having the affair naturally only made him more abusive (to the point of stalking at one point). If I had heard this message before I had acted, I hope it would have helped me to make better and safer decisions. Having an affair can be isolating and I hope you reach a lot of people with your message.
I relate to this. It sucks to be constantly treated like you're stupid.
Thanks for honestly addressing pornography. My marriage is ending because of this, covert narcissism and all of Gottman’s list.
12 yrs down the toilet because my husband couldn’t stick with counseling for more than 3 sessions.
Cheating wasn’t even an issue. We’d both been cheated on so made it clear we wouldn’t cheat on each other when we met.
I’m the dummy that missed all the other red flags from the beginning.
Love how Jesus made it very clear that lust of the mind is cheating.... Almost like He knew what a problem porn would be and how many it would take to hell.....
This is my current situation… I seen it before marriage but he lied about everything kept lying and I wanted to believe the lies were true 😢 I wanted his lies to be real… after the and before the i do… living h3LL. Now I’m torn on if I should stay just because of not better vetting and ride it out. Or maybe being a loner.
I honestly believe pornography is a style of cheating. They are expending their sexual energy on someone/something else instead of their spouse. Some people disagree, but they are having virtual sex with someone else. Only fans has made it even worse, because you have a paid relationship with said person.
You're not a dummy, and you're not responsible for what he did so don't blame yourself 💙 you deserve better. I'm sorry you're experiencing this
Addiction to pornography, sexual deviations etc are S-E behavior disorders..healing is possible ONLY when the subject is willing to change.. detachment is the only effective step to recovery (for you and for him too)..wishing you my best (I went through healing from a toxic spouse too and feeling happy and free now..guiding others professionally out of crisis and to happiness and peace in life🌞❤)
I’d love to see you touch more on the effects of porn usage in a marriage!
Yes I need to talk more about that, you’re so right
Yes 100%
I honestly could not take my eyes off of the screen. This message is so powerful and truly helped me understand a different perspective of the infidelity and betrayals that I have been put through in my marriage. This video helped me see the situation from my husbands side and it was quite enlightening. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for this Sierra
@@JimmyonRelationships No, thank you for your transparency, and please thank your wife for me. These videos, over the last few days have enlightened both myself and my husband.
@@JimmyonRelationships sometimes its hard to admit the role you played in the distance culminated inside of your marriage. I've never personally had the privilege of my husband showing blatant honesty and vulnerability, so its both refreshing and enlightening to hear and understand your point of view. I instinctively come into your videos from the opposite view point. "The victim" as you phrase it. By the end I not only feel validated, but also educated. This may be the result of my husband not personally communicating, but he seems to feel almost parallel feelings to your own. Thats why I appreciate you so much.
@@sierrawilmoth4123 Thank you for this. You're always so kind.
Been there done all that! Glad I’m single and simply prioritizing myself!!!!! I’d rather be happy by myself than miserable in a relationship.
There is NO excuse. Period
That's exactly what he said .
I have been watching you for about 6 months. I have been married for 36 years in a difficult relationship. I am so very impressed with your transparency and your heart to help others who are open to changing. Thank you Jimmy. Thanks for sharing your Christian belief in the journey of healing and growth.
"NEEDED" or "WANTED?" A "NEED" is something you can't live without---air, water, food, sleep.
That’s bare minimum to stay alive and miserable. If that’s enough for you then great. But go look up what happens to babies deprived of human touch and affection. It’s awful. People aren’t plants, we have complex emotional needs that need met if we are to actually thrive and not simply exist.
@dm2836 Well aware of the babies study. An adult is NOT a baby and does not REQUIRE the same. However, most people would agree that to thrive, love is necessary for humans. What I take issue with is that someone LOOKING will do exactly what you are trying to do---exploit the imprecise language used in this video to set up an EXCUSE for betrayal. No one said STAY and be abused or neglected. Be someone with integrity and END a relationship that damages you and go build one with the qualities you desire. Don't CHEAT!
Maslow's Hierarchy...problem is people are often gaslighting themselves about their needs and wants and what every tenth grader should be taught is how to be honest and assess themselves with awareness and candor and encouraged to do it every birthday as they age and chance and grow to be better people than previous generations but to avoid the delusional narratives and tropes of the past.
If people could do that and be taught more empathy and self awareness they'd make fewer illogical and dysfunctional, destructive choices. They'd also be more content and have better well being.
You are the first man, I've found and listened to, to resonate with the man I love. I think it is because you didn't learn this because of a degree you were pursuing, but because you nearly destroyed your marriage. For me, you prove there is hope still for my six year long relationship. For my love, he sees another man who hasn't withered up and died because he chose to learn what he needed to do to be a good partner to the woman he loves. He sees a man who hasn't lost his masculinity because he chose to be vulnerable. Thank you so much for your content. Not only did you do your part to save your relationship, you are helping so many men do the same!
This means so much to me Kathleen. Thank you for being so kind to me
🎯 💯
the respect i've got for you just continues to grow. you're SUCH a good example for young men, and we aren't seeing enough of those these days. you're mature enough to own your BS, AND you're mature enough to confront it all publicly because you recognize that you've got a creative and expressive gift??? the work you do to improve the lives of complete strangers is SERIOUSLY inspiring!
AMEN!
I would love to hear his wife’s perspective on this. I think it takes a certain type to forgive such betrayal. I know someone who told me about her husband that she begged him on her knees not to leave, something I would NEVER do.
I couldn't stay either. I couldn't get over that Betrayal. I would love her take too.
That - begging - is not forgiveness but fear.
I agree that it takes a certain kind of person to stay. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me, no matter how much I care about them. Without trust, there's no relationship to me.
I always said it was a deal breaker, I even told him when we got together it was a deal breaker. Yet here I stand, in the relationship 3 years after finding out what he's done. I still don't have an answer on why I stay, but it hurts every single day.
@@amandahardisty9631 May I suggest you find a counselor to help you through this ordeal? We were not created to be hurt in that way over and over and over again. Maybe it will help you understand what is causing you to be willing to stay with someone who has treated your marriage with such disrespect.
Man, do I appreciate you and your videos. I have been healing from a very toxic broken marriage that lasted 30 years. and it had so many problems and I know that it was both of us. thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
Thanks so much Jimmy. Being on the "being cheated on" end of the story, the pain I felt, the betrayal I felt. I was so deeply hurt and it changed the trojectory of our relationship that ended up in divorce - 7 years after him cheating. I really appreciate the messages and the insights you are sharing. People should listen to this and then work on their own marriage before bringing someone else into the marriage.
Explained like a true cheater would. Cheating is exactly what it means, cheating the system you agreed to live in and hoping you can get away with it. Honesty and truth is always the best policy.
It took me 18 years to discover and understand what you explained in this video.
Thank you so much Amber :)
I would love to talk to your wife to have an understanding of where to begin healing, how not to be bitter, how to work through this...ugh this is so hard.
Same here
Just leave he doesn't care about you or respect your relationship
@@nanomia She may be married to a unicorn, a man like Jimmy who chose to do the hard work along with his wife to mend their marriage.
AGREED! I AGREE! It’s exceptionally healing to hear him talk about this and talk about himself.
You could not have said this any better. That was the PERFECT explanation!
Thank you so much! Don’t stop doing what you’re doing. You’re helping a lot of people! Thank you. God bless you your wife marriage and family!!!!
Love your videos, honesty, vulnerability. You made me think of something Austin and Rachel Holt mentioned about when things go wrong in marriage it's usually connected to a legitimate need that someone is trying to meet in a negative way. They gave the example of P*rn and said the legitimate need is for intimacy but they try to meet it in a negative coping mechanism. That was a powerful statement. They have a ministry called Because Marriage Matters and I have used them to help me re-parent myself in areas. I love finding resources to help me grow and your videos are one such resource that I pass along. Thanks for making them!
WOW! POWERFUL message. Although your marriage had to go through the trial of an affair, I truly believe it was for you to do this ministry. Nearly 20 yrs ago, my ex-husband had an affair with a woman at our church. We had to leave to try and save our marriage, he had another affair and was physically abusive. Ironically, we currently attended the same church the affair took place at. I truly believe I was lead back to that church to heal. YOU ARE DOING A POWERFUL MINISTRY!!! You are your family in my prayers.
Thank you for this, my heart breaks for how much pain you've endured in your marriage. I'm so so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that. I truly pray that you're in a better spot and that he got help. You should never have to tolerate abuse =(
Maam. Reread what you are writing. You are talking as if this was such a good lesson god provided you with. You are in deep denial. God doesnt want you to be in an abusive relationship. God doesnt want you to keep trying to fix an abusive relationship. You are delusional. You dont deserve this. I sincerely hope you dont have children. Because if you do they are obviously learning that an unhealthy relationship is totally normal and theg should just keep it up. Get real lady
@evl15122 Don’t let bad doctrine hold you in a marriage that is killing your soul. That’s not God’s will. If he has not stopped his cheating or abusive ways, you need to leave. 🙏
You're a door mat. That marriage was not worth saving.
Thank you so much for telling us what happened then and how and why you are handling it, and also for sharing with us in the spirit of saving so many others the pain. You are a good egg, Jimmy :)
Thank you so much for this
Do not trust this guy.
@@sarahrobertson634 explain or stop trolling!!!!
@@littlemirage Oh, since you said I have to, I guess I'll explain. He's sus as fuck, seeing as how he'a a cheater, and he's harvesting a lot of attention and money telling women what they want to hear, and these dip shit females are eating it up.
Thank you for mentioning other things can cause betrayal besides cheating in a marriage. Before I got married I honestly thought one cheating or abuse would make me want to leave. Experience has taught me there are other things that can ruin a marriage.
Great words. I hope more people can hear them and take the time to look inward so they can look outward. So many times people think that if they just put it in the past, it's gone and will never happen again and refuse to see that there are reasons for why you do what you do. You need to learn yourself so you can properly love others. Keep up this work man, it's amazing to see someone so intouch and put in the work. I hope nothing but happiness for you and yours. Keep growing together ❤️
Ashley I can’t even tell you how nice this is! Thank you so much for taking the time to say all of that. You’re so right, we have to explore the WHY! :)
I "cheated" because my marriage was already dead, done and had been for over a decade, we were just too poor for me to leave.
I inherited enough to leave within a year of it and I've been free for 2 ½ years from a covert narc who broke me and my kids. And a big, big reason I was strong enough to take advantage of that inheritance was the affair and the proof that my husband treated me extremely badly. Because when you're in a toxic relationship with a narcissist for over half your life, you end up blaming yourself for everything and thinking you deserve what happened.
To be brutally honest, my affair, which didn't become physical until after my separation, saved my life and my kids lives.
This is by far my favorite authentic video ever released! Thank you for sharing this with the public to help so many others uncover truth!
Thank you for this Ashley!
I clicked this video because the thumbnail got my attention. I think I'm going to take the time to watch this and some of your other videos with my girlfriend later. I want to have a happy, healthy, unbreakable marriage. Thank you for talking about the WHY of things and talking about what to do differently. This and another video of yours have sparked a desire in me to talk to more married Christian men about marriage so I can learn from them. Thank you.
Thank you for this message. I appreciate your honesty and feel the emotion behind your words. People do so many destructive things to attempt to fill the voids within them. But all of the things you mention needing nurturing and to be placed in high regard are so, so important. There is a quote that goes.. the grass is not greener on the other side; it’s greener where you water it.
My favorite line is “you always have the choice to break up or divorce if you are unhappy” lying and cheating are not ok!
Thank you Jimmy for your candid views, it's obvious you've worked very hard at repairing your marriage. Listening to you reminds me of my own impropriety which lead to the breakdown of my marriage, something that I wholeheartedly take responsibility for and which taught me a valuable lesson in life and that was DON'T CHEAT, instead communicate and heal the problems within the relationship.🙏
There are formulas to attachment personality styles as well that actually help to tell who will more than likely cheat and who will more than likely not cheat.
The attachment personality styles in existence fall under four categories and every single person falls into one of these:
1.Preoccupied anxious attachment personality style which are fearful of abandonment.
Also known as empaths without healthy boundaries. These are people that typically get cheated on because of their fear of abandonment and rejection.
2.Dismissive avoidant attachment, personality style, which are fearful of commitment.
Also known to have narcissistic type personality tendencies because they fear commitment but manipulate people to think otherwise. These are more prone to cheat on their partners.
They self soothed themselves in childhood and continued that practice in adulthood and appear to be more independent.
3.Fearful, avoidant, attachment, personality style, which is a combination of both preoccupied, anxious and dismissive avoidant.
Also known as narcissistic or borderline personality tendencies can be both hot and cold in relationships they will be more agreeable to cheat on their partners because they feel like they need something they’re not getting.
4. Secure attachment, personality style, which is basically a fearless attachment style. These people are more levelheaded and they’re also known as empaths with healthy boundaries.
These people are more stable some might say boring and or settled. They don’t really have a fear of being alone or in a committed relationship they know there is always a way out so they don’t experience the anxiety that preoccupied anxious people have nor do they experience suffocation
like the dismissive avoidant attachment personality do. These people are more of an adult mindset than any of the other attachment personality type.
Dismissive avoidant, and fearful, avoidant fall into the narcissistic self, entitled over, inflating their importance over their partners so they’re more comfortable with cheating.
Keep in mind no one is going to do anything they’re not comfortable doing.
If you get to know the personal characteristic traits prior to investing into someone emotionally, you come to find that secure attached people are only attracted to secure attached people.
This has to do with the energy that is put out there, it always comes back to you. This is also known as Karma to some.
Preoccupied anxious will be attracted to a dismissive avoidant (opposites attract theory)
A dismissive avoidant will also be attracted to preoccupied, anxious as well as a fearful avoidant personality. (opposites attract theory)
A dismissive, avoidant attachment personality style will never be attracted to another dismissive avoidant attachment personality nor would they be attracted to a secure attachment style.
Both are considered to be too independent and don’t show neediness a dismissive needs to validate their importance.
The secure attachment style have the longest lasting and drama free relationships because they respect themselves and their relationship partners. Hope this helps.
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. We need more people to be honest about their faults and mistakes, to truly own them instead of trying to bury them. I always hate in any online forum when someone is talking about cheating, there are always excuses. But there is never a reason to cheat, ever. And porn doesn't cause people to cheat, but it absolutely contributes to a mindset of entitlement to sex and also creates people who are dependent on the dopamine high that porn gives and chase it in the real world through sex outside the relationship. People who cheat are ultimately seeking validation. But a mature person knows that it is not your partner or spouse's job to validate you, that is internal work to do yourself.
Cheaters are cowards who want this cake and that cake and the other cake and want to eat it all - then go home to safety & security - but no longer any respect. ❤
Hearing you say this helped me. I’ve been telling my bf of 3 years how lonely I feel. I have tried speaking to him about this for over a year now. I need physical and emotional intimacy/closeness. He prioritizes everything over our relationship saying how important everything else is. He tells me that we don’t have time for sex or dates. That part of our relationship is over he says. It’s becoming incredibly painful to feel like I’m the last on his chore list. I dream about someone who desires me. Who cares to know me and listen to me. Who prioritizes me and our son over his work and his friends. I have thoughts of, would I cheat? I tried breaking up so many times but he continues to say he is going to try harder. But I don’t see any change. Or I do see some change and then something happens and it’s back to square 1. Its hard to leave with my situation but my needs aren’t being met even with me having multiple sit down talks about how hurt I am. I don’t want to turn to cheating. It’s all so painful. I want him but I feel that he doesn’t see the point in putting much effort in us. I know I should leave but I can’t.
Time to give ultimatums, as it sounds like he just doesn't change at all. Especially if emotional/sexual needs aren't met that can lead to disasters (If you cheated it would still be your fault, 100%, but a lot of cheating doesn't just magically happen out of the blue, there is a void). He told you his part of it, "He tells me that we don't have time for sex or dates. That part of our relationship is over..." That was him communicating that he is not going to change at all. Break up with him or if you still need to live together (financials) tell him that you have to demote him as a roommate (sounds like you guys are already that) as this isn't a relationship anymore for anybody and that you guys aren't exclusive anymore to each other. It's all a shitty conversation but imagine living the way you are for the next 5, 10, 20 years. That is so much time wasted not being loved at all. Again onto cheating, especially don't do it if you have a kid. You guys aren't married but still it's a bad look if anything has to be taken to court, and you're kid will probably find out or be confused and that will fuck up their identity/world concept (take it from me) even if you have justifications. Explain everything to your child without making your ex look like a real bad guy (even if it's warranted, children don't need to be in the games of adults, it sucks), like telling your child that you and your boyfriend aren't together anymore, the changes that happen with that, and that you still love your child a lot and if they have any questions you'll be there. The talks about your feelings does nothing to your boyfriend. that's really sad and just shows he doesn't care anymore and he's checked out, even if he doesn't recognize it consciously. Begging for a man that is that way is only going to lead you depressed, broken, resentful, and with less life to live, he doesn't deserve you at all.
He's showing you who he is. This is who he is. This is what your life will be like. He isn't interested in changing, he's interested in you being quiet about your needs and catering to him. Leave. Don't ask him, tell him.
Have you read in the Bible that having sex before marriage is disobeying God's plan for you. Please look at this, it will help you.
What's that phrase? "If someone tells you what they are, believe them". He's told you. You're wasting valuable time staying. Give someone else a chance to respect you.
Dr John Deloney, a podcaster here on TH-cam puts it this way. "Behavior is a language. If they are treating you unkindly they are telling you something. "
By your own description your boyfriend is telling you what is most important to him, and it's not you. No matter what he says, "I promise I will..." and his actions say the opposite, believe the actions. Better to leave now than to regret not leaving later.
You are stronger than you think!
Waiting and hoping things will change will only change you into someone you don't like. He's already told you in words that he doesn't have the time for you, along with his actions CLEARLY saying he has more important things to do than to be involved with you. You are pining for what you thought you had. Maybe you did and maybe you didn't. But it's gone now.
Find a professional to help you see clearly what is going on. Investigate what your op†ions are. Take a cold hard look at the facts and then decide if you want to spend the next several decades waiting for him to have time for you. The hardest step is the first one, they get easier as you walk step by step into a new life with your son.
I'm speaking from decades of experience. I waited for far too long and would have waited even longer but he finally crossed the line and by his behavior I realized that he had been gaslighting me all along. I was never an important part of his life. I'm single now with no regrets and making my own decisions about my life and enjoying it to the fullest. I will pray for you.
You bring logic & emotion together, making it make sense
That's so kind of you!
I stopped looking for reasons. If they cheat I’m out. They can behave all they want and call it all they want, I can also protect my peace and move on. I don’t need to understand the reason or psychology behind their actions. I’m out.