So familiar. My teens and 20s have been ravaged by these people. And then outsiders remark "How is it you attract all of these crazies?" What a wacky series of unending coincidences that it happens again and again... In having these awful, confusing experiences with people, at least I gain data and get more jaded each time. But boy does it suck to have lost so much time to them, and come out of it all very socially isolated cuz I can't trust ANYBODY to not pull some third act villain reveal! -_-
One of the greatest talents of autistic people is pattern recognition, we can see patterns where most NT's dont. Your story is very familar to me, it especially applies to my early and mid 20s. I think having so many experiences like this, although painful and traumatic, helped me learn to see the patterns in people's behaviours and allowed me to spot someone who didn't have my best interests much quicker. Then the problem becomes trying to convince others who don't see what you see, and then realising that you can't. Basically we can have very good intuition about people, as well as wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt. When you have intuition about a person there have definitely been things about that person that have triggered you off. Perhaps they are things that you have experienced before in someone, but they aren't always things you notice consciously. Think about what it is that triggered your intuition. The difficult thing is sharing this with others. I think a fairly common experience for autistic people is being told that we 'overthink' or we are 'looking too far into things', or even seeing things in another that 'aren't there'. We usually get told this by NT's who naturally don't think in the same way we do, and don't notice the same things. It teaches us to repress our observations, and further pushes that principle of giving others the benefit of the doubt. There's lots of reasons why we want to do this, for example we are often not given the benefit of the doubt, we can feel it is how the world should be so we act this out, we empathise a lot because of our own experiences being misunderstood or ostracised. But it's important to realise that this empathy we feel is often part projection, we might recognise those feelings of sadness in another but we are essentially filling in the context ourselves with our own experiences. What many people don't understand is that empathy is an emotion, and because it is an emotion it can become dysregulated like any other. For example anger when dysregulated can lead to destructive behaviours, but so can all other emotions including empathy. All emotions are neutral in their affect on the world and ourselves, they can bring good or bad things, but what they bring is very much dependent on how regulated they are. People put a lot of weight on empathy as this thing that leads to positive behaviour, but this is not true. I suggest reading Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion by Paul Bloom. Back to what I was saying before, we have learned to repress our intuition, much in the way we've learned to repress our bodily discomfort. Many of us are disconnected from our bodies because we have been told growing up that our experiences aren't real. When we meet someone who triggers our intuition we may repress it, or we may tell others and get told that we are seeing something that isn't there. We learn how to not protect ourselves and to be 'good' autistics who hurt no one, yet are often accused of causing hurt. We internalise shame and guilt and blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong, and my god if we meet one of those downcast people who tell us they feel like everything is their fault we'll be the first to adopt them, even if we should in reality be nowhere near them. This is another example of dysregulated empathy, where you recognise the feelings but project the emotional context onto another. Its very important to recognise this if you want to learn to avoid people who will take advantage of you. It's not bad to empathise, it's not good either, but it can be very helpful if you know how to use it right! If you notice something about someone that doesn't sit right with you, note it down mentally or physically if you like. It doesn't matter if NT's dont notice what you do, as I said autistics can be very observant people and we see things in others that many NT's dont. They tend to get weird 'vibes' about people, but they can be wrong or right, but they aren't faultless. I often see NT's hanging out with people who will inevitably back stab them, or who cause problems in a group by using underhand tactics and gaining others trust. NT's can be as blind to other people's intentions as we are, but they especially are when that person appears to be socially acceptable and likeable. They tend to notice only the surface level, and let things go that they feel are a threat so they can maintain non conflict and security within a group. They're averse to anyone who to the very clearly displays behaviours and traits that they feel don't fit in with a group or may cause destruction within it, but most wouldn't be able to tell you why exactly, and as I said they can be wrong. So it's best not to use NT's as a compass either. The types of people they miss that end up in their lives are the sorts of people that tend to target autistic people first as a way to gain status, and also because autistic people tend to notice or undermine them whether this is on purpose or not. So don't feel so bad about falling for people's ulterior motives, NT's do it all the time too. Anyway I hope this is helpful.
autistic biggest talent is to blame everyone for everything and take no responsibility because their fragile little self cant handle any self criticism
I think that we can learn to recognize warning signs and avoid dangerous people. It might take some time. But it is possible. Learn the warning signs. I will tell you a big one. Beware of people who don't respect your boundaries.
Yeah, that is definitely something I can relate to. Going by how I feel after spending time with someone is something I should adopt. There are people where I feel miserable and tense after meeting them and I should probably be cutting them out. There are others where I feel calm and relaxed afterwards. Anyway, thanks for sharing :)
It can sometimes be hard to understand who’s ’safe’ and who’s ‘unsafe’ so reading your body as a cue, I have found to be the most helpful. Thank you for you feedback 😊
This happens to me soooo much!!! I have a really great intuition, but it's hard for me to be confrontational, direct, or say no. I also want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Because of this, I have almost got my car and phone stolen... I have been trapped in really uncomfortable situations with people who are usually old/drunk/homeless... I attract so so many older predators and married people, which was since I was younger!!! People ask me all the time how I get myself into crazy situations or with crazy people. I try to not get close ANY person, but even strangers can't get passed me 😫😆 I always say jokingly, "I attract people that like trauma" Edit: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. It's very nice of you to want us to be aware of these possibilities for the protection of ourselves.
Thank you Thank you! This is a top challenge for me lifelong (autistic, ADHD)- you named so many truths about this part of autistic experience- from "I don't know how to lie", to our oversharing being misinterpreted, to plain old NOT seeing that the person who appears to have an interest in us (and is making us feel good, which is rare for a lot of us) is full of B.S. Great video, thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
Yeah the worst thing is when fellow Autistics take advantage of or abuse you. I grew up with a monster, so I tend to feel in gut my that something is off with a lot of people. But knowing why someone is talking to me is confusing! Being an attractive woman is difficult when youre Autistic
I’ve struggled with the whole issue of leading people on by being friendly and a good listener. It’s hard when that is my default mode. Lately I’ve been trying to think of a situation and put another woman in my place. Like… what would my sister-in-law be like in this situation, would she put up with this, or what would I feel if my co-worker was in a similar position, would I be worried about them.
Alina let me just say that I think you’re awesome. Thanks so much for sharing this content. I am not autistic but I do have a disability and can relate to the instinct of wanting to provide others space to listen and share their experiences that you wish you would’ve received. I’m sorry to hear found that unsafe individuals often. I think the first step in learning how to tell a difference between people who need a listening ear and those that do but also have negative intentions is it recognizing the issue and it is difficult which you have done. I wish I had some advice to give you but I have I don’t have the opposite problem in terms of being unwilling to trust others and being very private about personal information.
Yes! So very much. Suprising people with honesty & being direct does strange things to some people. As if you're painted with a target. (Having been stalked, as well.) Excellent advice; if someone saps your energy everytime you hang out with them, then they are not good for you to spend your energy on. Agreed! 🎉
What's weird is that it confuses me so much that I sometimes ask myself if I'm the one that is unsafe for others. When I start seeing the bad in people I'm friends with, when I start wanting to have respect for myself and have my boundaries, I start thinking that I'm the problem and that I'm a bad person simply because I have this uncomfortable and anxious feeling and struggle to think positively which feels so confusing and hurts a lot, because at the same time I would really want to be able to be friends and connect in a safe way, but I have to stop being nice and it feels so hard, because it feels like I'm going to hurt these people.
I think it's hard to distinguish autistic traits to trauma traits, and yes it's uncomfortable and even horrible setting and sticking to boundaries (especially in the beginning), but it must be done. it'll likely hurt those people but they will live.
@@MusiicRoolz yeah for sure, but I also feel like I have a hard time detecting when someone does something wrong/hurtful to me and when/how I should react. I'm kind of numb to whatever happens and I just remain calm in most social situations. I'm so used to mask and deal with my own pain and emotions inside my head or when I'm alone. I don't really know how to stand up for myself more and all of that. I have a hard time feeling it and I moslty just try to go through my days trying to well manage my energy. I wish I could get angrier or have some kind of strong motivation to feel like I deserve respect and love from others, but honestly, I don't know where I'm going to get it from and how I could realistically start.
Yes, I'm in my 60's and I still don't quite believe people lie deliberately. Intellectually I know it happens, but it doesn't seem logical and it takes me soooo long to click when it happens. Somehow I've managed to survive without being taken advantage of too badly, but I do have to work hard at reminding myself to check if what I hear is true.
Excellent presentation! This is critical information. And yes, many out there are well aware of this particular aspect of ASD and can spot the signs. Some are snakes, and some are Mongooses. If I could make a recommendation: Befriend a Mongoose. 🎼TD, Boston
I have only just learned this year how to say no or not allow others to just walk over me and steal from me and such.... like ltiterally at 34 I can finally realize to trust my gut and mind... and mainly trust that i shouldnt let it be what they want. it isnt even about trust for me, it is just whatever stupid will do stupid idc. ... SUCH a bad way, i mean my instincts are on point i know when others do shaddy shit, but i just let them. like i ignore myself for the sake of "getting along"....
i mean when you have hardly met anyone directly with anything you could relate to as having a soul or mind or moral compass it becomes increasingly obvious to just get along with these creatures...
Have you had any positive experiences helping people that were safe and rewarding? I am sorry this isn't my typical question about the neurodivergent experience, but helping people is important to me, and I hope that you can share in the same rewarding experience throughout your life. Desperate people push boundaries of course, but I would be sad if you never got the satisfaction of helping people who were truly in need. I hope that you are able to develop a method of evaluating these situations, so that you can safely continue helping those in need that you find along them way :)
This entire video is absolutely relatable to me!! I've done pretty much all the things you speak of here. Trying to see the good in people and finding out, in some cases, that that was a big mistake! I've attracted some extremely toxic "friends" and some deranged ex-girlfriends, as well. Most people I find to be okay but when they're not, they really are not!!! Aslo, I find it interesting and very relatable how you say you can see bad traits in some people that many neurotypicals can't. I've found this, too and often been dismissed for it, which really pissed me off and felt very invalidating. I often turned out to be correct, though, so the validation returned. I'm really glad to see this video. It's extremely candid and you remind me of many of my friends who are similar to yourself and to myself too. Thanks for the honest and positive thing which has brightened up my day 🙂🙃😊♥
Your autistic experience does not resonate with mine at all. I don't understand the.. what appears to be legitimate interest.. listen, identify question, ask, listen way of that most NT that I interact with seem to utilize to be relatable. I speak in story driven anecdotes in an attempt to be relatable that.. are going to be about my own experiences because they are story driven anecdotes. So my interactions work in this way... legitimately listen... relate anecdotal story that is perceived similar experience to what I just heard as a confirmation I was listening by being relatable... hope to get return anecdotal story to build off... instead get questions about my story... and now somehow I am talking exclusively about myself and I really didn't want to be here and I can't figure out how to get out of this space... When I mask.. I suppress the urge to relate an anecdotal story and focus heavily on thinking of a question I can ask to move the conversation forward... I can do this pretty effectively when I want to... but I will be drained of conversational energy within 10 minutes and need to disengage from the person. I'm sort of envious that this comes more naturally to you as when I do it the conversation moves forward naturally but all I want to do is stop and get away.
So familiar. My teens and 20s have been ravaged by these people. And then outsiders remark "How is it you attract all of these crazies?" What a wacky series of unending coincidences that it happens again and again... In having these awful, confusing experiences with people, at least I gain data and get more jaded each time. But boy does it suck to have lost so much time to them, and come out of it all very socially isolated cuz I can't trust ANYBODY to not pull some third act villain reveal! -_-
One of the greatest talents of autistic people is pattern recognition, we can see patterns where most NT's dont. Your story is very familar to me, it especially applies to my early and mid 20s. I think having so many experiences like this, although painful and traumatic, helped me learn to see the patterns in people's behaviours and allowed me to spot someone who didn't have my best interests much quicker. Then the problem becomes trying to convince others who don't see what you see, and then realising that you can't.
Basically we can have very good intuition about people, as well as wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt. When you have intuition about a person there have definitely been things about that person that have triggered you off. Perhaps they are things that you have experienced before in someone, but they aren't always things you notice consciously. Think about what it is that triggered your intuition. The difficult thing is sharing this with others. I think a fairly common experience for autistic people is being told that we 'overthink' or we are 'looking too far into things', or even seeing things in another that 'aren't there'. We usually get told this by NT's who naturally don't think in the same way we do, and don't notice the same things. It teaches us to repress our observations, and further pushes that principle of giving others the benefit of the doubt. There's lots of reasons why we want to do this, for example we are often not given the benefit of the doubt, we can feel it is how the world should be so we act this out, we empathise a lot because of our own experiences being misunderstood or ostracised. But it's important to realise that this empathy we feel is often part projection, we might recognise those feelings of sadness in another but we are essentially filling in the context ourselves with our own experiences. What many people don't understand is that empathy is an emotion, and because it is an emotion it can become dysregulated like any other. For example anger when dysregulated can lead to destructive behaviours, but so can all other emotions including empathy. All emotions are neutral in their affect on the world and ourselves, they can bring good or bad things, but what they bring is very much dependent on how regulated they are. People put a lot of weight on empathy as this thing that leads to positive behaviour, but this is not true. I suggest reading Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion by Paul Bloom.
Back to what I was saying before, we have learned to repress our intuition, much in the way we've learned to repress our bodily discomfort. Many of us are disconnected from our bodies because we have been told growing up that our experiences aren't real. When we meet someone who triggers our intuition we may repress it, or we may tell others and get told that we are seeing something that isn't there. We learn how to not protect ourselves and to be 'good' autistics who hurt no one, yet are often accused of causing hurt. We internalise shame and guilt and blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong, and my god if we meet one of those downcast people who tell us they feel like everything is their fault we'll be the first to adopt them, even if we should in reality be nowhere near them. This is another example of dysregulated empathy, where you recognise the feelings but project the emotional context onto another. Its very important to recognise this if you want to learn to avoid people who will take advantage of you. It's not bad to empathise, it's not good either, but it can be very helpful if you know how to use it right!
If you notice something about someone that doesn't sit right with you, note it down mentally or physically if you like. It doesn't matter if NT's dont notice what you do, as I said autistics can be very observant people and we see things in others that many NT's dont. They tend to get weird 'vibes' about people, but they can be wrong or right, but they aren't faultless. I often see NT's hanging out with people who will inevitably back stab them, or who cause problems in a group by using underhand tactics and gaining others trust. NT's can be as blind to other people's intentions as we are, but they especially are when that person appears to be socially acceptable and likeable. They tend to notice only the surface level, and let things go that they feel are a threat so they can maintain non conflict and security within a group. They're averse to anyone who to the very clearly displays behaviours and traits that they feel don't fit in with a group or may cause destruction within it, but most wouldn't be able to tell you why exactly, and as I said they can be wrong. So it's best not to use NT's as a compass either. The types of people they miss that end up in their lives are the sorts of people that tend to target autistic people first as a way to gain status, and also because autistic people tend to notice or undermine them whether this is on purpose or not. So don't feel so bad about falling for people's ulterior motives, NT's do it all the time too.
Anyway I hope this is helpful.
This is helpful for me thank you. 🩷
Oh my good I need to copy paste this
autistic biggest talent is to blame everyone for everything and take no responsibility because their fragile little self cant handle any self criticism
I think that we can learn to recognize warning signs and avoid dangerous people. It might take some time. But it is possible. Learn the warning signs. I will tell you a big one. Beware of people who don't respect your boundaries.
Yeah, that is definitely something I can relate to. Going by how I feel after spending time with someone is something I should adopt. There are people where I feel miserable and tense after meeting them and I should probably be cutting them out. There are others where I feel calm and relaxed afterwards. Anyway, thanks for sharing :)
It can sometimes be hard to understand who’s ’safe’ and who’s ‘unsafe’ so reading your body as a cue, I have found to be the most helpful. Thank you for you feedback 😊
Wow. Called out. This is the reason I’m kinda just closing myself off.
This happens to me soooo much!!! I have a really great intuition, but it's hard for me to be confrontational, direct, or say no. I also want to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Because of this, I have almost got my car and phone stolen... I have been trapped in really uncomfortable situations with people who are usually old/drunk/homeless...
I attract so so many older predators and married people, which was since I was younger!!! People ask me all the time how I get myself into crazy situations or with crazy people. I try to not get close ANY person, but even strangers can't get passed me 😫😆 I always say jokingly, "I attract people that like trauma"
Edit: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. It's very nice of you to want us to be aware of these possibilities for the protection of ourselves.
I know the feeling, thanks for sharing
Thanks for watching!
Thank you Thank you! This is a top challenge for me lifelong (autistic, ADHD)- you named so many truths about this part of autistic experience- from "I don't know how to lie", to our oversharing being misinterpreted, to plain old NOT seeing that the person who appears to have an interest in us (and is making us feel good, which is rare for a lot of us) is full of B.S. Great video, thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
Yeah the worst thing is when fellow Autistics take advantage of or abuse you. I grew up with a monster, so I tend to feel in gut my that something is off with a lot of people. But knowing why someone is talking to me is confusing! Being an attractive woman is difficult when youre Autistic
Every sentence of this oh gosh.
Social situations, hard. Think I shut down and go to bed 😴
Put up boundaries! I'm Autistic too! Good luck!
I’ve struggled with the whole issue of leading people on by being friendly and a good listener. It’s hard when that is my default mode. Lately I’ve been trying to think of a situation and put another woman in my place. Like… what would my sister-in-law be like in this situation, would she put up with this, or what would I feel if my co-worker was in a similar position, would I be worried about them.
Wow, this is SO relatable 👏. Subbed.
Alina let me just say that I think you’re awesome. Thanks so much for sharing this content. I am not autistic but I do have a disability and can relate to the instinct of wanting to provide others space to listen and share their experiences that you wish you would’ve received. I’m sorry to hear found that unsafe individuals often. I think the first step in learning how to tell a difference between people who need a listening ear and those that do but also have negative intentions is it recognizing the issue and it is difficult which you have done. I wish I had some advice to give you but I have I don’t have the opposite problem in terms of being unwilling to trust others and being very private about personal information.
Thank you for leaving me your kind and helpful words! I wish you all the best on your journey
Yes! So very much.
Suprising people with honesty & being direct does strange things to some people. As if you're painted with a target.
(Having been stalked, as well.)
Excellent advice; if someone saps your energy everytime you hang out with them, then they are not good for you to spend your energy on.
Agreed! 🎉
Well fuck. These are some painful revelations.
What's weird is that it confuses me so much that I sometimes ask myself if I'm the one that is unsafe for others. When I start seeing the bad in people I'm friends with, when I start wanting to have respect for myself and have my boundaries, I start thinking that I'm the problem and that I'm a bad person simply because I have this uncomfortable and anxious feeling and struggle to think positively which feels so confusing and hurts a lot, because at the same time I would really want to be able to be friends and connect in a safe way, but I have to stop being nice and it feels so hard, because it feels like I'm going to hurt these people.
I think it's hard to distinguish autistic traits to trauma traits, and yes it's uncomfortable and even horrible setting and sticking to boundaries (especially in the beginning), but it must be done. it'll likely hurt those people but they will live.
@@MusiicRoolz yeah for sure, but I also feel like I have a hard time detecting when someone does something wrong/hurtful to me and when/how I should react. I'm kind of numb to whatever happens and I just remain calm in most social situations. I'm so used to mask and deal with my own pain and emotions inside my head or when I'm alone. I don't really know how to stand up for myself more and all of that. I have a hard time feeling it and I moslty just try to go through my days trying to well manage my energy. I wish I could get angrier or have some kind of strong motivation to feel like I deserve respect and love from others, but honestly, I don't know where I'm going to get it from and how I could realistically start.
Sooo On point... Great video... Thank you for sharing
Yes, I'm in my 60's and I still don't quite believe people lie deliberately. Intellectually I know it happens, but it doesn't seem logical and it takes me soooo long to click when it happens. Somehow I've managed to survive without being taken advantage of too badly, but I do have to work hard at reminding myself to check if what I hear is true.
Loved the video, thanks for sharing this it’s very helpful ❤
Aw yay! Thank you for the feedback 🫶🏻
Great video. Thank you for sharing and shinning light on autistic.
Excellent presentation! This is critical information. And yes, many out there are well aware of this particular aspect of ASD and can spot the signs. Some are snakes, and some are Mongooses.
If I could make a recommendation: Befriend a Mongoose.
🎼TD, Boston
I have only just learned this year how to say no or not allow others to just walk over me and steal from me and such.... like ltiterally at 34 I can finally realize to trust my gut and mind... and mainly trust that i shouldnt let it be what they want. it isnt even about trust for me, it is just whatever stupid will do stupid idc. ... SUCH a bad way, i mean my instincts are on point i know when others do shaddy shit, but i just let them. like i ignore myself for the sake of "getting along"....
i mean when you have hardly met anyone directly with anything you could relate to as having a soul or mind or moral compass it becomes increasingly obvious to just get along with these creatures...
i wonder if the ex said something to set the guy off...
Mini golf is fun.
Have you had any positive experiences helping people that were safe and rewarding?
I am sorry this isn't my typical question about the neurodivergent experience, but helping people is important to me, and I hope that you can share in the same rewarding experience throughout your life. Desperate people push boundaries of course, but I would be sad if you never got the satisfaction of helping people who were truly in need. I hope that you are able to develop a method of evaluating these situations, so that you can safely continue helping those in need that you find along them way :)
Same
Great video!😁
Some victims are also perpetrators.
This entire video is absolutely relatable to me!! I've done pretty much all the things you speak of here. Trying to see the good in people and finding out, in some cases, that that was a big mistake! I've attracted some extremely toxic "friends" and some deranged ex-girlfriends, as well. Most people I find to be okay but when they're not, they really are not!!! Aslo, I find it interesting and very relatable how you say you can see bad traits in some people that many neurotypicals can't. I've found this, too and often been dismissed for it, which really pissed me off and felt very invalidating. I often turned out to be correct, though, so the validation returned. I'm really glad to see this video. It's extremely candid and you remind me of many of my friends who are similar to yourself and to myself too. Thanks for the honest and positive thing which has brightened up my day 🙂🙃😊♥
Its not abnormal at all for us to attract abnormal people right out of the wood work.
Your autistic experience does not resonate with mine at all. I don't understand the.. what appears to be legitimate interest.. listen, identify question, ask, listen way of that most NT that I interact with seem to utilize to be relatable. I speak in story driven anecdotes in an attempt to be relatable that.. are going to be about my own experiences because they are story driven anecdotes.
So my interactions work in this way... legitimately listen... relate anecdotal story that is perceived similar experience to what I just heard as a confirmation I was listening by being relatable... hope to get return anecdotal story to build off... instead get questions about my story... and now somehow I am talking exclusively about myself and I really didn't want to be here and I can't figure out how to get out of this space...
When I mask.. I suppress the urge to relate an anecdotal story and focus heavily on thinking of a question I can ask to move the conversation forward... I can do this pretty effectively when I want to... but I will be drained of conversational energy within 10 minutes and need to disengage from the person. I'm sort of envious that this comes more naturally to you as when I do it the conversation moves forward naturally but all I want to do is stop and get away.