Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
I took the narcissist abuse and insane behaviour of my mother to ABBA FATHER in prayer in an attempt to find a way to deal with it, the answer I heard in my spirit was “don’t go looking for logic where there is none” ! I have stopped looking and the release that came with that is so wonderful.
Realizing my whole life was filled with so many people who reinforced my unworthiness and my responsibility for everyone's feelings so I wasn't allowed my own. And the times I chose that because it was familiar or pushed away unfamiliar kindness. So much to mourn but it's been incredible to catch glimpes of my true self no longer so buried under the weight of managing other people.
My insanely narcissistic mother whom has been cut off tells people that ask where I am that I don’t like her….. When in reality I do not tolerate anyone treating me like a bag of garbage…no contact is the only way to deal with a gaslighting monster…… I honestly believe she is insane………..
I hear you. I went no contact with my Toxic Little Toad Mother. Since becoming ill I receive financial aid from my step dad. Though divorced, she moved back in with him from Boise ID all the way to Phoenix AZ. Insanely jealous and out of control she is now back in the drivers seat. Step Dad doesn't, hasn't and can't understand her manipulative power over me. I have nothing and nobody to share this with. I am being destroyed from the inside out. I cannot escape. I know my only out but I'm just not prepared to end it all.
I also went no contact after years of insults, arguments, and screaming rages. The second my mother came over to me, it was to start being nasty and give her an excuse to blow up no matter how I responded or even if I didn't respond at all. It all ended when I went no contact. I never looked back even once. All I could do was end this dreadful relationship. So that was what I did. I see you did the same. I agree. No contact is the only way to deal with a gaslighting monster.
When people ask you about your Mother , I hope you tell them that you disconnected from her because it was the only way to end the way she was continually ,treating you negatively. This keeps you in a power position and shows others that you just won’t endure being treated negatively. Everyone will understand and appreciate your actions,without ever having to say anything negative about your Mother.
You're lucky she only tells people you don't like her. According to my mother, I am mentally ill & psychotic. My chronic illness from her years of abuse gives her ammunition that I'm apparently sick in the head from medication...totally untrue but the whole extended family have bought the narrative.
I had to deal with mom's nursing home, just that she'd fallen and contacting older bro about it, leaving a long winded message and of course estranged from his wife my old bf and realized how happy I sounded which reminded me of the job I was fired from for sounding too happy, I'd been warned I had to sound madder... Geez, place made cookies for crying out loud! 😊
You can still be happy as an empath. Just your happiness is for others not necessarily yourself. Flip this to yourself and block looking at others and feeling for them. Keep moving, keep smiling. 😊
Absolutely life is like a poker game in one of those spaghetti westerns, supposed to play it cool when the second one is feeling cool the loaded revolver appears and it's pointed at you 😕
OMG yes ... in my case this went on DECADES. Now my mother is in her late 70s, when I tell her about the constant arguing between her and dad she said she doesn't remember it or it never happened. I said no, because you were living it and trapped in a narc web between yourself and dad. Me and my siblings were living through the yelling, drama and again the exact same argument over and over again. It became so normal to her and him, they don't even know the damage they did to us as kids. Scary stuff.
While growing up, I prayed that -- if I ever got married (I felt unfit for marriage) -- my wife would be my mother's antithesis, her complete opposite. Thankfully, I was blessed with many friendships with women who were nothing like Mom, and I learned that women didn't have to be like her. At 46, I finally walked away from my "family of origin", away from Mom. I'm pretty sure I could have never walked away without the blessing my wife has been, a trusting and trustworthy, whole confidant and nurturer. As you state, most of my relationships have been problematic due to my reactions to situations triggered by family abuse; but I'm healing.
Yes yes never give up! It's like a fishing 🎣 line we fly out hoping to catch a friend, that line must be done 1k times over and over again to get anyone and wheeled back in when, once again, we live to regret it but casting and taking a chance we must, everyone has something good to say too bad it takes weeks to learn anything! 😊❤🎉
I can relate, but never married, and baby of toxic family, and older siblings shame me for moving 130 miles away from them. Narcissists, all of us, but at least i can see my illness. They al lthink they are fine
Like the fish swimming in water and you ask it “what is water?” The undercurrent of guilt shame feeling “ less than “ waiting for someone to “blow up” because I had offended them by giving a gift they didn’t like or just breathing -I don’t have to apologize for breathing air or taking up space or being -your teachings are so spot on thank you
It's so hard when your mother was such a master game player as a covert narcissist & your father was an enabler with narcissistic tendencies. I'm 65 years old & my parents died in 2018 & 2019 at which time i saw "something" online that triggered me to do research into narcissism & I still feel like such an idiot for not recognizing this sooner. But as i said, I can't even imagine ANY human who was more masterful than my mother at this horrendous lifestyle. I am on depression meds that help a TON, but have so many residual issues that i am so much a people pleaser that i don't know who I am even now. I feel that i am a wasted life except for my children that I vowed would NEVER experience the kind of control I went through & they are such wonderful people!
It is awful, I know how you feel. I am working on how to handle it myself. Haven’t got the answer yet but it is helping listening to Jerry’s work. Meditation, daily gratitude, routine, healthy eating, walking, loving myself and becoming more measured is helping. Best wishes. 🌸
You're fine for sure, I'd learned about it as I'd watched Netflix' Gladiator Series, guy who'd killed Cesar was named Narcissist and hubby was in Bariloche hiking.... Wanting to see pics of the place Google suggested I install Pinterest and had to choose 5 topics... Fine I'll bite and of course chose "Health".... Well omg I've been hooked since! Plus, aren't I surrounded! Ding ding ding, I win, unbelivable, my older siblings so rotten too and I'm golden child gone copper, stay strong, it's what they take from us and believe this, how you feel today won't mean what you'll be feeling in the future. The wee hrs can be the worst, now I'm onto being healing from being ghost by the other woman, our daughter 28, she's off to Bali for Xmas with her Bordeux Prince and his family, place is sinking plus big burning plastic dump, yuck!
The fact that you are aware is a major hurdle. Many people never get to this point. I am 80 yrs. old and still trying to disengage from a family that doesn’t acknowledge my authenticity. They continue to scapegoat me and I am treated like the black sheep. However, my close relationship with Jesus Christ has saved me. Keep survi 12:07 surviving and working out your history
My parents were much like yours and I only found out about narcissism after my mother died shortly after my father. Not knowing about it didn't mean I didn't respond to it it terms of healing/therapy. I did leave them as soon as I could and went to minimal contact. I did figure out that something was wrong with especially my mother when I was a young teen. I didn't knew what though. I was on antidepressants too but those almost killed me and turned me into a zombie. Magic mushrooms though did save my life as a teen.
It wasn’t something even trained professionals talked about back when we were being raised. I was told what my feelings were or should be any time I didn’t agree with what was happening. Boundaries? What’s that? Enmeshment was required. And keep your feelings to yourself.
Yes, now I understand why I was always attrackted to the wrong narcisstic kind of men: charming, good looking & super egoistic - because my mother was like this!
Jerry, I am 55, and you have summed up my life. So helpful to understand the things I couldn't understand in the midst of the whirlwind. I am going to enjoy this Christmas blissfully and peacefully without any burden or triggers.
Thank you Jerry! 😊 For all of your wisdom and advice. REGARDING BOUNDARIES.... I've set numerous boundaries over the years with my parents and they just trample all over them. I've found that narcs simply don't respect your boundaries. Period. Another thing I hear constantly from them is: "AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU?!" You can't "win" with these type of people! I've decided....after many months of thought....that I'm going to move 3,000 miles away. I've spent 50 years trying to figure out 'what is wrong with ME?!' NOTHING!
My struggles come out in the workplace because it emulates the system of control. I have the intellectual capacity to do most things but NOT the emotional or resilience capacity. I fear managers because they emulate the powerful narc mother position. I have to work for myself. No power dynamics, no culture / team dynamics etc..... I can never work for someone ever again.
I truly understand what you’re talking about. I don’t do well working for somebody else. I have always struggled with the work environment. For years my spirit was telling me to become an entrepreneur. I finally listened and it’s been the best decision I have ever made.
A couple things that I can relate with that go together are how I recreate my dysfunctional family in my relationships and how me not setting boundaries has allowed that to happen..
This reminds me of this one lady I was hanging out with years ago, we started venting about our partners, and she was saying that she'd had it with her husband, he'd cheated on her after years of abusing her, then walked out on her in what these days we might call deflecting narcissistic rage...thing is she said she'd gotten away from him, she was over it, she was done..I realized and I said to her, but he's still in control, he's still upsetting you, he's still ruining your day, you're not getting to be you because he's still there making you the victim he wants you to be🤔
Great title! Ugh they're such a drain, be nice and successful in spite of them, don't expect any recognition from them they'll tell you you're trash when you're furthest from.... 🎉❤
Jerry, You described my 70 years, as a bachelor baby of a toxic family and older siblings never ending trouble, and no relationships now. None of my older sibling are married either and are immature, and in denial. Dad was narcissist, and never wanted sons, and was desperate to marry, and my mom felt sorry for him, and married him. They stayed together, and it was warfare marriage mostly. Very sad, My dad told me he married the wrong woman, at age 91, just before my mom died. They should never have married, nor had children, as all 4 are extremely sick toxic.
Thank you Jerry! This describes me 100% . The recycling, reactivity and past relationship issues make so much sense in the way you explain everything .This is spot on! I appreciate your videos! They are very helpful. Thank you !
You know what? All these things but usually in less severity are also experienced by autistic people who were undiagnosed and had to navigate an allistic world through "masking". A world where lying and manipulating and competing to win and dominate someone (social hierarchy and social status) is so deeply ingrained in society that we're not even recognizing how toxic it is. It hints toward learning how to communicate in a more inclusive but also more precise and less deceiving way, which also would help expose a narcissist. - I'm just thinking and speculating here PS: thank you for making this video 🙏
I was made a black sheep in my family because I had too much of an independent streak. How dare I want to have my own self. I didn't want to be a clone of my mother or my father so I had to be put down. I've now been no contact with them for many years.
Never ending. It's personal development and we are always learning. I have blocked couple of people, but thinking about this just makes me realize that I am only a pissoir for them..
If you've had a childhood trauma, like sexual abuse incident, but also grew up with a narcissist mother, who never did anything about it... how can you tell if your reactivity and rumination of why things were the way they were...how can you tell which of these things are the cause of continuing mental damage? I can't separate one trauma from another. It all seems like a chaotic mess of emotional withdrawal and dissociation.
Thank you Jerry for such a thoughtful video. This holiday season is hard and I appreciate you. When I'm struggling I put on one of your videos and it's usually something I need to hear to help me stay the course and to stay encouraged despite the heartbreak, pain and loneliness this journey brings. God bless. 🙏
I think Jerry has been taking a stroll inside my head. Amazing stuff.
วันที่ผ่านมา +3
I am an only child and experienced abuse from both parents. It caused me to get involved with someone who was dysfunctional in a familiar way. So much so I remained attached for 12 years when it became intolerable. I had to reach out to one of the narc parents (they divorced). They "helped" me and the price was so high. It was not until my now husband noticed that I had a physical reaction to these people that he pointed out something was wrong. It led me on a remarkable path to healing. My childhood experiences caused extreme loneliness, isolation (now self imposed), crippling mysterious shame, distrust in others, physical reactions, nightmares, derealization, disassociating, it makes relationships and jobs very difficult to navigate. The worst part is internalizing it, believing you deserve poor treatment because it is all you know. When your parents hate you, what conclusion could you otherwise have?
Remember when I asked my mother to divorce dad she said she couldn't survive without him. "How can I take care of all you kids?" (I'm 13 years old and there were 7 other younger children.) At that moment I felt abandoned. 17:03
This is so good. It just finally is stating to make sense. I’ve been going through these rejection and enmeshment cycles with my family of origin. They resist letting me differentiate even though I’ve lived 6000 miles away with an ocean in between and hardly talk to them anymore. I still feel so responsible for their feelings. Just last weekend I finally understood that it is my own thoughts and trauma reactions to what happens what keeps me feeling miserable. Thank you, Jerry! ❤
yes we need to protect them & take on their problems. perfection is the golden child. rebellion is the black sheep, or the runaway ( if there's more than two in the household). one must show their families falicy is real, aka golden. black sheep, we tell that there's something seriously going on. runaway is the one who loves but will not be abused. 3 cycles of children being abused. all of us are being abused, forced to live the family lie.
Eeerr would/should its title be 'Nothing better to do?', k, my latest theory (Jerry can spot my amateurism a mile away I'm sure) states that persons who want fame and fortune but will never achieve this status to their liking get a kick out of criticising others and will do so, achieve these slanders through lines and manipulations which not only helps them get away from themselves but makes us eventually need to get away from them also, the tragedy is in our wanting a loving relationship with them. Narcissists are only on board for a relationship with us if we are their puppets!
Get away from all of them. Cut off communication 100%. You're outnumbered in a situation you can't win. Triangulation means you are the Enemy, so don't waste your precious time trying to explain your side of the situation. Face it: THEY DON'T CARE. so.......walk away & live your best life. Narcissists HATE being ignored, and HATE IT when the people they target don't react with tears and/or attempts at reconciliation. You provide amusement and entertainment because you make them feel powerful. Narcissists measure their power by how miserable they can make you. They control the narrative by lying, gaslighting, and denying any responsibility for their actions. Your suffering and confusion provide popcorn entertainment for them. Get away & get free!
Thank you very much for these teachings. At age 76, I wish psychology knew as much 50 years ago. Wow, the self love part. Now I feel good about myself, with myself, and others give positive feedback. I do remember hating myself before high school graduation.
Found your videos recently.Your fantastic.Never found anyth like this bf.Books,therapy,TH-cam etc.Nothing noone have made anth clear, putting words for things explaining helping.Your knowledge wisdom fantastic partly because you've had the experience yourself.Your videos are extremely helpful.Making everything clear.Totally understandable putting light on every+ showing ways out of it.Confronting trying to make them understand or change is imposs,spent so much time trying,letters etc.Just more pain,more hurt, aggression,denial,lies etc.Some people are pure evil.Only way is to turn away.Protect yourself.The loneliness is the big problem+living with the anxiety coping with not having parents who love you,care ab you.Thank you for all your videos.Way better than anyth else.
I grew up in a cult after being adopted at 14 months into a very sick family. I was adopted for the purposes of being trafficked and I was trafficked from age 2 on. I was used in the making of porn from the same age, onward. All I knew was harm and violence. I have D.I.D from all of the trauma based mind control/programming and even went through government mind control experimentation, MK Ultra/Monarch which was horrific. The so called parents are both now deceased, they are the ones that sold me over and over so I really had no parents. My adoptive siblings, cousins etc, they are ALL still in the cult and involved in the organized crime ring and it was a VERY dangerous cult/crime ring. I can never have contact as I am literally in danger from them for the rest of my life after finally escaping. I went to the police with everything I know too which has increased the danger. Sometimes, "family" is anything but family and you can only get away and stay away. Me and all of my parts are doing the very difficult work to get that toxic system OUT of us and discover who "I really am". I've been enmeshed for so long and it has been pure hell but now it's getting better.
With all the suffering you've been through, i am amazed and congratulate you for how resilient and good you are. You have survived to tell the story and be blessing in the face of evil.
I’ve said the same thing. The entire system rewards/supports narcissists; that’s why there’s soooo many. People have suggested I watch the movie “The Truman Show”. It, apparently, relates to this idea. It’s on my to do list.
Society is narcissistic in general long time ago, since like always, but now more than ever bcs well known reasons like social networks, fashion, twisted values. New world order is 100% narcisstic.
Unfortunately, I am extremely reactive to any type of criticism. My son doesn’t understand that it’s hard to break a habit on something you have lived your entire life.
Excellent understanding I've learned a lot of this since my husband of 36 years passed in'22 he had MWC I learned after he passed I knew he had a very traumatic childhood but not the Madonna Syndrome caused a lot of intimacy problems and emotional abuse
I been staving off a meltdown as mommie dearest is on week 6 of calling to pretend we r gonna have a nice xmas dinner. When i dont call back or answer she tells everyone what a selfish jerk i continue to be. I am just the bear trying not to step in the trap Im very sad during the holidays. I am alone and chose it after a lifetime of negative holidays.😢
Stay strong! You can do this, for your health and sanity. Yes, it is very lonely, confusing and heartbreaking. However, there comes a time when we must choose ourselves. Choose to nurture and protect self. 👍 They most likely see us as the wrong-doers, and that has to be okay because it’s better than the gaslighting and emotional abuse. They are trapped in immature, self-righteous thoughts and actions. They are NOT happy. But we can be happy, if we work at it. 🙂 It has been a difficult holiday season, looking forward to the end of this year! Which makes me sad, but we CAN get through this. Went no contact with family, January 17, 2024.
Mr. Wise, thank you so much for your video's. They touch exactly what i need, explained in a way i can relate to. Your great insight in dysfunctional family is very helpfull. Every movie brings things, i realise: yes, that's exactly it! The recycling of subjects for example, yup. And by this movie, i gained insight how this influences me and got inspiration for change. Thank you so much 🙏❤
Participating in groups....I try to avoid them as much as possible...But love one:one contact with a friend. Am too much aware now ...Groupdynamics remind me of the early circus in my youth.
It’s never impossible.. you may need to sacrifice.. but it’s always a choice.. a toxic dynamic that hurts me will never be ok ever again.. see I used that reasoning once and it really came back to haunt me.. caused way more problems compared to if I left and sacrificed to begin with. Good luck.. maybe that thinking is part of the toxicity? Part of the problem?
I completely understand you saying this, because we are "groomed" & trained since birth & I never got away until they died. I cried & cried out of a sense of relief that that era of my life was over & I no longer had to face those responsibilities.
I think that a better example of Recycling could be used, as some could have actually been religious but then found evidence that challenged their previous beliefs. For instance, a better example might be that the way some people approach a particular topic could mirror how their hyper-religious parents approached religion. Or that they reinforce particular beliefs which were imbedded into them, despite being non-religious.
Hi Jerry, can you please talk about how being a child of narcissistic parents can affect your spouse/marriage and kids? I went no contact with my family almost three years ago. Their behavior actions and inactions greatly affected my marriage and it was so bad my husband could no longer accept my inability to stand up to them for the sake of our kids and marriage. I was terrified knowing the effects of doing that so I became complicit. Luckily we are doing much better now but sometimes some of the resentment comes up since this went on for 14 years or so. Thank you.
But Jerry, regarding the religions, not every aspect of us has to be connected to the narcissistic opressor. I think they wish that this could be, but is when we are free, we disconnected them from our Self, our topics. When we are free from narcissistic oppression, we can decide what is good for us, no matter what the opinion of the outside.
The “friend” may have just been looking for an excuse to leave your presence. More probable than not. The “reason” doesn’t really matter. A man, or woman, may ditch his girlfriend because she gained too much weight. He would never tell her that so he finds an excuse. I know why people disassociate themselves from me. The “reason” doesn’t matter.
Thanks for the video. Isn't the term "narcissistic" overused tho? An abusive parent could be borderline, sociopathic or depressive, not necessarily narcissistic. Also one of the downsides of the overuse of this term is that some people (usually ones with their own significant emotional challenges) label others as narcissistic simply if they don't like them.
I read people believe that we all choose our parents before we are born... they can believe that.... not me No way would one choose such abuse that lasts until death But God is Love.
Am I recycling if I’ve totally worked on killing my codependency though? And leaning towards unconditional love? Cuz it’s feeling very isolating right now
My ex partner jerry developed bpd from his narcissistic upbringing how does he work with bpd as part of his enmeshment to his narcissistic upbringing. There maybe a video on it
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
I took the narcissist abuse and insane behaviour of my mother to ABBA FATHER in prayer in an attempt to find a way to deal with it, the answer I heard in my spirit was “don’t go looking for logic where there is none” !
I have stopped looking and the release that came with that is so wonderful.
Sorta like when Jerry refers to things Nar. Says to (nonsense).
I became a target for future narcs.
I am working on my boundaries and disconnecting from narcs as soon as i discover them
you are a target because that is what you are used to, so that is what you are attracted to
Realizing my whole life was filled with so many people who reinforced my unworthiness and my responsibility for everyone's feelings so I wasn't allowed my own. And the times I chose that because it was familiar or pushed away unfamiliar kindness. So much to mourn but it's been incredible to catch glimpes of my true self no longer so buried under the weight of managing other people.
Jesus set me free took me through what happened and fixed it in my heart and mind I love being free and love Him
Keeping you impotent prevents competition to the despots
My insanely narcissistic mother whom has been cut off tells people that ask where I am that I don’t like her…..
When in reality I do not tolerate anyone treating me like a bag of garbage…no contact is the only way to deal with a gaslighting monster……
I honestly believe she is insane………..
I hear you. I went no contact with my Toxic Little Toad Mother. Since becoming ill I receive financial aid from my step dad. Though divorced, she moved back in with him from Boise ID all the way to Phoenix AZ. Insanely jealous and out of control she is now back in the drivers seat. Step Dad doesn't, hasn't and can't understand her manipulative power over me. I have nothing and nobody to share this with. I am being destroyed from the inside out. I cannot escape. I know my only out but I'm just not prepared to end it all.
I also went no contact after years of insults, arguments, and screaming rages. The second my mother came over to me, it was to start being nasty and give her an excuse to blow up no matter how I responded or even if I didn't respond at all. It all ended when I went no contact. I never looked back even once. All I could do was end this dreadful relationship. So that was what I did. I see you did the same. I agree. No contact is the only way to deal with a gaslighting monster.
no contact. stay no contact. nomatter what they try & they'll try. stay no contact. you're better than them.
When people ask you about your Mother , I hope you tell them that you disconnected from her because it was the only way to end the way she was continually ,treating you negatively.
This keeps you in a power position and shows others that you just won’t endure being treated negatively.
Everyone will understand and appreciate your actions,without ever having to say anything negative about your Mother.
You're lucky she only tells people you don't like her. According to my mother, I am mentally ill & psychotic. My chronic illness from her years of abuse gives her ammunition that I'm apparently sick in the head from medication...totally untrue but the whole extended family have bought the narrative.
It's a terrifying experience. I pray for everyone going through this. Thank you for giving us or myself a lift from the fog.
I heard someone seriously that if you're empathic you're never happy because you're always aware of the biggest threat in the room and others aren't
I had to deal with mom's nursing home, just that she'd fallen and contacting older bro about it, leaving a long winded message and of course estranged from his wife my old bf and realized how happy I sounded which reminded me of the job I was fired from for sounding too happy, I'd been warned I had to sound madder... Geez, place made cookies for crying out loud! 😊
so true 😢
You can still be happy as an empath. Just your happiness is for others not necessarily yourself. Flip this to yourself and block looking at others and feeling for them. Keep moving, keep smiling. 😊
Absolutely life is like a poker game in one of those spaghetti westerns, supposed to play it cool when the second one is feeling cool the loaded revolver appears and it's pointed at you 😕
Sometimes, tho parenting requires empathy.
When my parents argued, I noticed that it was the same arguement over and over again.
OMG yes ... in my case this went on DECADES. Now my mother is in her late 70s, when I tell her about the constant arguing between her and dad she said she doesn't remember it or it never happened. I said no, because you were living it and trapped in a narc web between yourself and dad. Me and my siblings were living through the yelling, drama and again the exact same argument over and over again. It became so normal to her and him, they don't even know the damage they did to us as kids. Scary stuff.
SAME!
Me too
Ugh…yes!
While growing up, I prayed that -- if I ever got married (I felt unfit for marriage) -- my wife would be my mother's antithesis, her complete opposite. Thankfully, I was blessed with many friendships with women who were nothing like Mom, and I learned that women didn't have to be like her.
At 46, I finally walked away from my "family of origin", away from Mom. I'm pretty sure I could have never walked away without the blessing my wife has been, a trusting and trustworthy, whole confidant and nurturer. As you state, most of my relationships have been problematic due to my reactions to situations triggered by family abuse; but I'm healing.
Yes yes never give up! It's like a fishing 🎣 line we fly out hoping to catch a friend, that line must be done 1k times over and over again to get anyone and wheeled back in when, once again, we live to regret it but casting and taking a chance we must, everyone has something good to say too bad it takes weeks to learn anything! 😊❤🎉
I can relate, but never married, and baby of toxic family, and older siblings shame me for moving 130 miles away from them. Narcissists, all of us, but at least i can see my illness. They al lthink they are fine
Like the fish swimming in water and you ask it “what is water?” The undercurrent of guilt shame feeling “ less than “ waiting for someone to “blow up” because I had offended them by giving a gift they didn’t like or just breathing -I don’t have to apologize for breathing air or taking up space or being -your teachings are so spot on thank you
It's so hard when your mother was such a master game player as a covert narcissist & your father was an enabler with narcissistic tendencies. I'm 65 years old & my parents died in 2018 & 2019 at which time i saw "something" online that triggered me to do research into narcissism & I still feel like such an idiot for not recognizing this sooner. But as i said, I can't even imagine ANY human who was more masterful than my mother at this horrendous lifestyle. I am on depression meds that help a TON, but have so many residual issues that i am so much a people pleaser that i don't know who I am even now. I feel that i am a wasted life except for my children that I vowed would NEVER experience the kind of control I went through & they are such wonderful people!
It is awful, I know how you feel. I am working on how to handle it myself. Haven’t got the answer yet but it is helping listening to Jerry’s work. Meditation, daily gratitude, routine, healthy eating, walking, loving myself and becoming more measured is helping. Best wishes. 🌸
You're fine for sure, I'd learned about it as I'd watched Netflix' Gladiator Series, guy who'd killed Cesar was named Narcissist and hubby was in Bariloche hiking.... Wanting to see pics of the place Google suggested I install Pinterest and had to choose 5 topics... Fine I'll bite and of course chose "Health"....
Well omg I've been hooked since! Plus, aren't I surrounded! Ding ding ding, I win, unbelivable, my older siblings so rotten too and I'm golden child gone copper, stay strong, it's what they take from us and believe this, how you feel today won't mean what you'll be feeling in the future. The wee hrs can be the worst, now I'm onto being healing from being ghost by the other woman, our daughter 28, she's off to Bali for Xmas with her Bordeux Prince and his family, place is sinking plus big burning plastic dump, yuck!
The fact that you are aware is a major hurdle. Many people never get to this point. I am 80 yrs. old and still trying to disengage from a family that doesn’t acknowledge my authenticity. They continue to scapegoat me and I am treated like the black sheep. However, my close relationship with Jesus Christ has saved me. Keep survi 12:07 surviving and working out your history
My parents were much like yours and I only found out about narcissism after my mother died shortly after my father. Not knowing about it didn't mean I didn't respond to it it terms of healing/therapy. I did leave them as soon as I could and went to minimal contact. I did figure out that something was wrong with especially my mother when I was a young teen. I didn't knew what though. I was on antidepressants too but those almost killed me and turned me into a zombie. Magic mushrooms though did save my life as a teen.
It wasn’t something even trained professionals talked about back when we were being raised. I was told what my feelings were or should be any time I didn’t agree with what was happening. Boundaries? What’s that? Enmeshment was required. And keep your feelings to yourself.
Yes, now I understand why I was always attrackted to the wrong narcisstic kind of men: charming, good looking & super egoistic - because my mother was like this!
We only interact with their False Self except when the true self emerged to punish us
I was proud of myself for not marrying my father until I realized I married my mother
This
My ex na4c husband and my lunatic narcissist mother would fight loudly with each other in the driveway. The neighbors were concerned but I wasn't.
You dont sound like a victim at all.
"Fear of intimacy or vulnerability"...only DOGS for me, Jerry, only DOGS!
Amen.
Jerry, I am 55, and you have summed up my life. So helpful to understand the things I couldn't understand in the midst of the whirlwind. I am going to enjoy this Christmas blissfully and peacefully without any burden or triggers.
Still fighting this battle alone ( except for God) at 62 years young
😢😢😢
Thank you Jerry! 😊 For all of your wisdom and advice. REGARDING BOUNDARIES.... I've set numerous boundaries over the years with my parents and they just trample all over them. I've found that narcs simply don't respect your boundaries. Period. Another thing I hear constantly from them is: "AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU?!" You can't "win" with these type of people! I've decided....after many months of thought....that I'm going to move 3,000 miles away. I've spent 50 years trying to figure out 'what is wrong with ME?!' NOTHING!
Thank you, Jerry Wise. I appreciate your help so much.🌻I pray for healing, for everyone.
Love your comment.
I agree with you in prayer.
Yes, healing for all. Thank you
My struggles come out in the workplace because it emulates the system of control. I have the intellectual capacity to do most things but NOT the emotional or resilience capacity. I fear managers because they emulate the powerful narc mother position. I have to work for myself. No power dynamics, no culture / team dynamics etc..... I can never work for someone ever again.
I relate so much to this!
I relate.
I truly understand what you’re talking about. I don’t do well working for somebody else. I have always struggled with the work environment. For years my spirit was telling me to become an entrepreneur. I finally listened and it’s been the best decision I have ever made.
Relate
The managers are usually narcissistic, which triggers your fears more. They like the feeling of power they have with you being anxious around them.
A couple things that I can relate with that go together are how I recreate my dysfunctional family in my relationships and how me not setting boundaries has allowed that to happen..
This reminds me of this one lady I was hanging out with years ago, we started venting about our partners, and she was saying that she'd had it with her husband, he'd cheated on her after years of abusing her, then walked out on her in what these days we might call deflecting narcissistic rage...thing is she said she'd gotten away from him, she was over it, she was done..I realized and I said to her, but he's still in control, he's still upsetting you, he's still ruining your day, you're not getting to be you because he's still there making you the victim he wants you to be🤔
I resonate with ALL of these. Thank you for sharing this information and helping us
To break the malignant normalcy!!
Great title! Ugh they're such a drain, be nice and successful in spite of them, don't expect any recognition from them they'll tell you you're trash when you're furthest from.... 🎉❤
Agree
For me: self confidence, sanity, sleep.
Jerry, You described my 70 years, as a bachelor baby of a toxic family and older siblings never ending trouble, and no relationships now. None of my older sibling are married either and are immature, and in denial. Dad was narcissist, and never wanted sons, and was desperate to marry, and my mom felt sorry for him, and married him. They stayed together, and it was warfare marriage mostly. Very sad, My dad told me he married the wrong woman, at age 91, just before my mom died. They should never have married, nor had children, as all 4 are extremely sick toxic.
Parenting should be subject to a licencing just like driving. The fact that dysfunctional people can just randomly pop out babies is insane
Thank you Jerry! This describes me 100% . The recycling, reactivity and past relationship issues make so much sense in the way you explain everything .This is spot on! I appreciate your videos! They are very helpful. Thank you !
Over the years relationships became great financial losses that I haven't yet recovered from.
Same
You know what? All these things but usually in less severity are also experienced by autistic people who were undiagnosed and had to navigate an allistic world through "masking". A world where lying and manipulating and competing to win and dominate someone (social hierarchy and social status) is so deeply ingrained in society that we're not even recognizing how toxic it is. It hints toward learning how to communicate in a more inclusive but also more precise and less deceiving way, which also would help expose a narcissist. - I'm just thinking and speculating here
PS: thank you for making this video 🙏
I was made a black sheep in my family because I had too much of an independent streak. How dare I want to have my own self. I didn't want to be a clone of my mother or my father so I had to be put down. I've now been no contact with them for many years.
Many years in addiction recovery programs I've learned that setting "healthy boundaries" has been a lifelong process.
Thanks, Jerry!
Never ending. It's personal development and we are always learning. I have blocked couple of people, but thinking about this just makes me realize that I am only a pissoir for them..
If you've had a childhood trauma, like sexual abuse incident, but also grew up with a narcissist mother, who never did anything about it... how can you tell if your reactivity and rumination of why things were the way they were...how can you tell which of these things are the cause of continuing mental damage? I can't separate one trauma from another. It all seems like a chaotic mess of emotional withdrawal and dissociation.
THANK YOU ! Choosing to pursue self-differentiation due to your inspiring presentation today Jerry! Insightful, encouraging and WISE indeed!
You are so welcome
Newness makes people feel awkward. Even when that newness is better.
Thank you Jerry for such a thoughtful video. This holiday season is hard and I appreciate you. When I'm struggling I put on one of your videos and it's usually something I need to hear to help me stay the course and to stay encouraged despite the heartbreak, pain and loneliness this journey brings. God bless. 🙏
I think Jerry has been taking a stroll inside my head. Amazing stuff.
I am an only child and experienced abuse from both parents. It caused me to get involved with someone who was dysfunctional in a familiar way. So much so I remained attached for 12 years when it became intolerable.
I had to reach out to one of the narc parents (they divorced). They "helped" me and the price was so high. It was not until my now husband noticed that I had a physical reaction to these people that he pointed out something was wrong. It led me on a remarkable path to healing.
My childhood experiences caused extreme loneliness, isolation (now self imposed), crippling mysterious shame, distrust in others, physical reactions, nightmares, derealization, disassociating, it makes relationships and jobs very difficult to navigate. The worst part is internalizing it, believing you deserve poor treatment because it is all you know. When your parents hate you, what conclusion could you otherwise have?
You / your comments are understood and make alot of sense.
Ditto
I shut down and i thought that was non-reactivity. I'm relieved to know i was wrong because i did feel like i was curling into myself
Thank you Mr. Wise. You have really helped me understand what happened and how to handle it.
Glad it helped!
Remember when I asked my mother to divorce dad she said she couldn't survive without him. "How can I take care of all you kids?" (I'm 13 years old and there were 7 other younger children.) At that moment I felt abandoned. 17:03
This is so good. It just finally is stating to make sense. I’ve been going through these rejection and enmeshment cycles with my family of origin. They resist letting me differentiate even though I’ve lived 6000 miles away with an ocean in between and hardly talk to them anymore. I still feel so responsible for their feelings. Just last weekend I finally understood that it is my own thoughts and trauma reactions to what happens what keeps me feeling miserable. Thank you, Jerry! ❤
Only thing my parents gave me was low self esteem and trouble trysting others not fancy relationships like the rest. 😢
yes we need to protect them & take on their problems.
perfection is the golden child. rebellion is the black sheep, or the runaway ( if there's more than two in the household). one must show their families falicy is real, aka golden. black sheep, we tell that there's something seriously going on. runaway is the one who loves but will not be abused. 3 cycles of children being abused.
all of us are being abused, forced to live the family lie.
Thank you for this video! ❤ Could you make another video talking about what to do or how to act when family members trianglulate?
Eeerr would/should its title be 'Nothing better to do?', k, my latest theory (Jerry can spot my amateurism a mile away I'm sure) states that persons who want fame and fortune but will never achieve this status to their liking get a kick out of criticising others and will do so, achieve these slanders through lines and manipulations which not only helps them get away from themselves but makes us eventually need to get away from them also, the tragedy is in our wanting a loving relationship with them. Narcissists are only on board for a relationship with us if we are their puppets!
Get away from all of them.
Cut off communication 100%.
You're outnumbered in a situation you can't win.
Triangulation means you are the Enemy, so don't waste your precious time trying to explain your side of the situation.
Face it:
THEY DON'T CARE.
so.......walk away & live your best life.
Narcissists HATE being ignored, and
HATE IT when the people they target don't react with tears and/or attempts at reconciliation.
You provide amusement and entertainment because you make them feel powerful.
Narcissists measure their power by how miserable they can make you.
They control the narrative by lying, gaslighting, and denying any responsibility for their actions.
Your suffering and confusion provide popcorn entertainment for them.
Get away & get free!
Thank you very much for these teachings. At age 76, I wish psychology knew as much 50 years ago. Wow, the self love part. Now I feel good about myself, with myself, and others give positive feedback. I do remember hating myself before high school graduation.
Found your videos recently.Your fantastic.Never found anyth like this bf.Books,therapy,TH-cam etc.Nothing noone have made anth clear, putting words for things explaining helping.Your knowledge wisdom fantastic partly because you've had the experience yourself.Your videos are extremely helpful.Making everything clear.Totally understandable putting light on every+ showing ways out of it.Confronting trying to make them understand or change is imposs,spent so much time trying,letters etc.Just more pain,more hurt, aggression,denial,lies etc.Some people are pure evil.Only way is to turn away.Protect yourself.The loneliness is the big problem+living with the anxiety coping with not having parents who love you,care ab you.Thank you for all your videos.Way better than anyth else.
So kind of you to say. Thank you for watching and commenting
I agree with your comment very much.
this was so painful but so true, real and resonates. I'm so grateful and appreciate your efforts and insights Jerry as always.
You are so welcome
I grew up in a cult after being adopted at 14 months into a very sick family. I was adopted for the purposes of being trafficked and I was trafficked from age 2 on. I was used in the making of porn from the same age, onward. All I knew was harm and violence. I have D.I.D from all of the trauma based mind control/programming and even went through government mind control experimentation, MK Ultra/Monarch which was horrific. The so called parents are both now deceased, they are the ones that sold me over and over so I really had no parents. My adoptive siblings, cousins etc, they are ALL still in the cult and involved in the organized crime ring and it was a VERY dangerous cult/crime ring. I can never have contact as I am literally in danger from them for the rest of my life after finally escaping. I went to the police with everything I know too which has increased the danger. Sometimes, "family" is anything but family and you can only get away and stay away. Me and all of my parts are doing the very difficult work to get that toxic system OUT of us and discover who "I really am". I've been enmeshed for so long and it has been pure hell but now it's getting better.
Omg that’s so horrible 😢
There is a woman on TH-cam called ”the knitting cult lady” that went through something similar.
God bless you and heal you ❤
With all the suffering you've been through, i am amazed and congratulate you for how resilient and good you are. You have survived to tell the story and be blessing in the face of evil.
@@SoulSeeker2025 ♥
@@veronikaljungberg7149 Yes, I've seen her.♥
parents, children, friends, business partners, neighbors, strangers, doctors, grocery checkers - ALL narcs ..we are surrounded
I’ve said the same thing. The entire system rewards/supports narcissists; that’s why there’s soooo many. People have suggested I watch the movie “The Truman Show”. It, apparently, relates to this idea. It’s on my to do list.
@@carmenm.9522 Why did I think of a text to me about the Truman show literally yesterday that is so not random. Holy cow.
Yes we are! Sometimes I could go back to being blissfully ignorant.. but then again- nah..
Society is narcissistic in general long time ago, since like always, but now more than ever bcs well known reasons like social networks, fashion, twisted values. New world order is 100% narcisstic.
@@StrawberryShortcake3-f4b synchronicity - Carl Jung
Definitely a must watch Jerry Wise video for me over and over again!❤️
They really are evil, aren't they now.
ty.
Thank you again
Recycling ♻️ Reactivity Relationships
Thank you!
Thank Dr. Wise, for all your videos & guidance. They have helped me so much. ❤
Thank you so much, your are the best I have heard so far, in every detail shines your wisdom. ❤❤😊
Thank you Jerry !
Thank you for your videos, I really learn a lot, by listening to you. 😊
You are so welcome!
Thank you these are so helpful, I'm going to be ready to take these learnings further soon.
Glad it was helpful!
Very useful advices, Jerry! Thank you from Romania!❤
Thank you Jerry. I feel i have a long road ahead but you are the light i see at the end of the tunnel. Please keep being Wise and guide.
You are so welcome
Thank you so much..there is hope ❤
You are so welcome
Thanks Jerry I got a giggle out of seeing myself in some of this. Sometimes things seem so serious until you hear your predicament in others stories.
Glad you enjoyed it
Unfortunately, I am extremely reactive to any type of criticism. My son doesn’t understand that it’s hard to break a habit on something you have lived your entire life.
Excellent understanding I've learned a lot of this since my husband of 36 years passed in'22 he had MWC I learned after he passed I knew he had a very traumatic childhood but not the Madonna Syndrome caused a lot of intimacy problems and emotional abuse
24min of free quality time ! Thank you Jerry ,youre such inspirational teacher ,even more,youre like a guru ❤
Thank you for watching!
hard to delineate what is ones personality and what is residual psych
I been staving off a meltdown as mommie dearest is on week 6 of calling to pretend we r gonna have a nice xmas dinner. When i dont call back or answer she tells everyone what a selfish jerk i continue to be. I am just the bear trying not to step in the trap
Im very sad during the holidays. I am alone and chose it after a lifetime of negative holidays.😢
Take care of You ❤ pizza, movie, and a gift
Stay strong! You can do this, for your health and sanity. Yes, it is very lonely, confusing and heartbreaking. However, there comes a time when we must choose ourselves. Choose to nurture and protect self. 👍 They most likely see us as the wrong-doers, and that has to be okay because it’s better than the gaslighting and emotional abuse. They are trapped in immature, self-righteous thoughts and actions. They are NOT happy. But we can be happy, if we work at it. 🙂 It has been a difficult holiday season, looking forward to the end of this year! Which makes me sad, but we CAN get through this. Went no contact with family, January 17, 2024.
Make " yourself" the gift, the gift of be in your drivers seat.
Love you Jerry 🎉
Spot on Jerry! Thank you for such a detailed explanation and providing the means to start or continuing the growth journey. Very appreciated. ❤
Thanks for helping us live Awesome!! ❤❤❤❤
You are so welcome!
Excellent insight & teaching, as always, Jerry. Really appreciate your videos ❤
Thank you kindly
Thank you very very much Jerry😀
Thank you for brilliant observations and excellent advice Jerry! God bless you ❤
You are so welcome
You can withdraw and completely ignore and it does not effect you. Give the issue a breather and rejoin when it's put to bed, for that day.
Thank you, Jerry! I have found your content so helpful and hard to come to terms with. It has been amazing to learn through you.
You are so welcome!
You're the man, Jerry! Great free content.
I appreciate that!
Mr. Wise, thank you so much for your video's. They touch exactly what i need, explained in a way i can relate to. Your great insight in dysfunctional family is very helpfull. Every movie brings things, i realise: yes, that's exactly it! The recycling of subjects for example, yup. And by this movie, i gained insight how this influences me and got inspiration for change. Thank you so much 🙏❤
You are very welcome
Great video Jerry. Very helpful for me.
Agree just doesn’t work well. For whatever reason I think that’s peaceful actually
My sisters are anti-my parents (their opposite) in terms of religion, lifestyle, and politics. Its reactivity.
"your true self," not them. not their demand of behavior to protect their abuse.
Im seeing most relationships are dysfunctional nowdays. Very few healthy relationships now, and my family was devoid of love.
Participating in groups....I try to avoid them as much as possible...But love one:one contact with a friend. Am too much aware now ...Groupdynamics remind me of the early circus in my youth.
problem with your advice is that sometimes family abuse is impossible to escape.
It’s never impossible.. you may need to sacrifice.. but it’s always a choice.. a toxic dynamic that hurts me will never be ok ever again.. see I used that reasoning once and it really came back to haunt me.. caused way more problems compared to if I left and sacrificed to begin with. Good luck.. maybe that thinking is part of the toxicity? Part of the problem?
@@kristen9827 i left 10 years ago, but my family didnt let me live anyway. now not much life left for anything.
I completely understand you saying this, because we are "groomed" & trained since birth & I never got away until they died. I cried & cried out of a sense of relief that that era of my life was over & I no longer had to face those responsibilities.
I think that a better example of Recycling could be used, as some could have actually been religious but then found evidence that challenged their previous beliefs.
For instance, a better example might be that the way some people approach a particular topic could mirror how their hyper-religious parents approached religion. Or that they reinforce particular beliefs which were imbedded into them, despite being non-religious.
Thank you.
You're welcome!
Hi Jerry, can you please talk about how being a child of narcissistic parents can affect your spouse/marriage and kids? I went no contact with my family almost three years ago. Their behavior actions and inactions greatly affected my marriage and it was so bad my husband could no longer accept my inability to stand up to them for the sake of our kids and marriage. I was terrified knowing the effects of doing that so I became complicit. Luckily we are doing much better now but sometimes some of the resentment comes up since this went on for 14 years or so. Thank you.
But Jerry, regarding the religions, not every aspect of us has to be connected to the narcissistic opressor. I think they wish that this could be, but is when we are free, we disconnected them from our Self, our topics. When we are free from narcissistic oppression, we can decide what is good for us, no matter what the opinion of the outside.
15:31
@jerrywise
You describe EXACTLY what it's like for me!!!!
My only reason for living is to fulfil my family obligations.
11:40 started speaking to me a little too well 😳
Sometimes criminal.
Why do friendships fall apart Jerry? Long time friends get offended by something so minor and never come back.
The “friend” may have just been looking for an excuse to leave your presence. More probable than not. The “reason” doesn’t really matter. A man, or woman, may ditch his girlfriend because she gained too much weight. He would never tell her that so he finds an excuse. I know why people disassociate themselves from me. The “reason” doesn’t matter.
🙏
Thanks for the video. Isn't the term "narcissistic" overused tho? An abusive parent could be borderline, sociopathic or depressive, not necessarily narcissistic. Also one of the downsides of the overuse of this term is that some people (usually ones with their own significant emotional challenges) label others as narcissistic simply if they don't like them.
I have always thought that his audience are people who deal with specifically narcissists, not other personality disorders.
When fruit loops say we choose our parents I cry. It makes me question the existence of God.
I read people believe that we all choose our parents before we are born... they can believe that.... not me
No way would one choose such abuse that lasts until death
But God is Love.
I seem to be in the 3R club😢. But I am working on the first 2. Given up on the 3rd
Am I recycling if I’ve totally worked on killing my codependency though? And leaning towards unconditional love? Cuz it’s feeling very isolating right now
How is it that you know me perfectly?
My ex partner jerry developed bpd from his narcissistic upbringing how does he work with bpd as part of his enmeshment to his narcissistic upbringing. There maybe a video on it