More Delirium Tremens Stories: My First Major Relapse
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 ต.ค. 2024
- By popular demand, I decided to return to the topic of delirium tremens and alcoholic hallucinosis. In this video, I recount a different experience I had with delirium tremens as a result of alcoholism and alcohol withdrawal.
It's a hard watch. There's some gory detail in here that I haven't heard many people discuss before. But it's all true, and therefore, it all needs to be shared.
Good luck out there.
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10 days sober. Early days. This is needed motivation.
Congratulations, and welcome to the best decision you'll ever make.
@@LiltleT Congratulations, you can do it! 🙌✨
My last 50 relapses were instant suicidal drinking and drug taking I would not wish them on my worst enemy if had some very dangerous home alone detox’s I’m now 4 and a half years sober 🙏🙏🙏📕📕📕📕
Wow, congrats on your sobriety, that's really inspiring.
I feel that 😢....we can't have ANY booze We go off the deep end
@@hugh2hoob668 I haven't even been able to have a single beer in years because I'll just end up drinking a liter of vodka all day everyday for months. Ending up projectile vomiting pure blood in hospital but with severe withdrawal because I still wanted to drink but couldn't because of the massive blood loss.
Congratulations on getting sober x That's one tough battle.
Wishing you the very best of everything ❤❤❤
@@Rick_Cleland i have
the start of Barrett's oesophagus,,it was added to the warnings,,
I find this really hard to listen to as a fellow alchoholic. It makes me want to writhe and put my hands over my ears, i'm sure you know why. God knows how you have the bravery to share it.
I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable, other people's stories do that to me too. But I think that's what makes them essential, right?
@@_BatCountry Absolutely. And don't be sorry. That bit about securing a big win and then immediately going for beer and KNOWING you're fucking up. Tough stuff man.
Speaking as someone who still suffering I will say this man is so helpful it's almost unreal. It is what it is and and it's terrible@@JamieAldridge-z9h
right @@_BatCountry
Suicidal binge drinker here. Stopped drinking 6.5 years ago. Years of relapsing. If I relapse now, I know it’ll be the last. I do not have another recovery in me. I sobered up in 2017 after a 10 year relapse, a few attempts in those 10 years but never could put together a meaningful recovery. 5 stints in rehab. The last one, I was on the train returning home, thinking I’ve got 2 choices, I go home, pick up and die or I take this chance and run with it with all that I have. I ran with it and each day is a reprieve. I shattered my own life and others with drinking and still have lingering guilt and shame on so many things I said and did. My behaviour was so removed from my personal moral compass. That’s the stuff that needs healing. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏽
Yes
Amen. @@lynnsanchez8261
After my last relapse a few weeks ago it was clear that you don‘t ever stop. You just hit the pause button.
I just continued at the same pace and quantity before I stopped 9 months prior that relapse. Thanks friend, I love your storys, really helped me kept me going on.
The trauma of the psychotic experience is like it actually happened. The brain doesnt know the difference. Dear man, Thank you for sharing
Exactly, the brain doesn't know the difference.
My dad died of alcohol withdrawals at age 52 , stay safe people
🙏💜🕯💧🌱🐾👣🌿🌎🕊
I'm sorry. May I ask, did he stop cold turkey? how long after his last drink did withdrawals become serious? I'm 8 days sober. No medical intervention. I assume I am out of the danger zone.
Even tho AA mostly sucks….they would say your choice to drink and “celebrate” your newly acquired sobriety is INSANITY! I’ve done it too, countless times. Subconsciously, you probably thought you deserved a drink lol. Again, AA would then offer a statement regarding this phenomenon as alcohol being “cunning, baffling and powerful!” 🤣🤦🏻♂️
You have a wonderful way with words, very poetic. Thank you for sharing, it will no doubt help so many.
Thanks so much, I really appreciate the compliment.
The way you are able to speak so fluently without verbal garbage is amazing, makes it super easy to listen along and picture the story in my head! Keep making these videos they are definitely helping those that are struggling with alcohol addiction to know they aren’t alone… these videos are definitely helpful for those who don’t suffer from addiction either because it shows how serious and dangerous alcohol can be if not used in moderation!
Hey Quincy, thanks so much for the positivity, I appreciate it.
I like the way you tell your story. I'm sober 146 days today. Quit nicotine 9 days ago, so I'm going through more withdrawals like brain fog, depression and insomnia at the moment, so doing the youtube surfing to keep my mind occupied. Love hearing how human we all are. Thanks for sharing.
My AA sponsor told me to watch out when you are either very happy or very sad as a relapse trigger. Your story reminded me of what he told me.
Hey Smoozer, thanks for the compliment. Congrats on your days, that's a lot of time. You should be proud. And it sounds like you have a smart sponsor too!
Man, that story of what you made your parents go through and that it haunts you every day really hits home. I went to something very similar when I was 26. My parents did everything for me and I made them go through hell by being a useless drunk. They saved my life by not throwing me out, by getting me into the hospital when I hit my rock bottom and my liver almost failed. I promised them to never drink again, only to betray their trust a couple months later until I had my relapse, that ended in a 3 week bender. I remembet passing out in my room with a bottle of wine in my hand, my mother found me and I still tried to convince her that I didn't drink, and I even got angry at her and said hurtful things. I'm really glad I discovered your channel yesterday! It's good to know that we're not alone. I'm 4 years sober now, I never thought I'd reach my 30th birthday. But we get through it, day by day! Greatings from Germany!
Hey Sleezy, wie geht es mit dir? Alcoholism is a selfish disease and we ignore the hurt and damage it does to everyone around us. I owe so much to my parents. Massive congratulations on 4 years sober, and thanks for the comment!
@@_BatCountry danke, alles bestens, ich hoffe bei dir auch! Someone reposted one of your videos to Reddit, that's how I discovered your channel! I've binge watched tons of your videos already! Great stuff man, love your honest and raw videos! Congratulations on turning your life around ♥️
I've listened to your original DT video atleast 3-4 times over, it's morbidly fascinating and terrifying so I can't wait to listen to this one.
I hope you enjoy it. Actually "enjoy" is probably not the right word - I hope you get something out of it.
Most people don't understand just how dangerous alcohol withdrawal and addiction is. You are spot on, it is a medical emergency and it can be fatal, most people don't know alcohol is the most dangerous substance to withdraw from (alongside benzos ). When I started my training as a psychiatric nurse it was surprising to find heroin is far safer to withdraw from than alcohol. One of my mentors said basically it's like this - if you leave a heroin addict to withdraw in a room alone and an alcoholic to withdraw in a room alone the heroin addict will be very uncomfortable but they won't die - the alcoholic will die. Also heroin withdrawal doesn't send you into seizures, and withdrawing from smack won't cause a psychotic episode.
Having worked in mental health for many years I don't work in alcohol and addiction services anymore, and haven't for many years. It is hard, the patients are very, very unwell - like you say in a medical emergency, they are also very disturbed as many are hallucinating and delusional from the psychosis.
Stay well and sober, it's the best decision you can make - just for today, all you need to do is stay sober today. Big love 💚
It's surprising to me too. I think it's because you can easily find heroin withdrawal in movies and media, but there are very few depictions of alcohol withdrawal.
Great videos! I connected most with your video on alcohol hallucinosis. I've never experienced full-on DTs, seizures, etc. but I have had shakes, sweating, insomnia, paranoia, half your mind is sane observing the other half of your mind going insane at the same time, auditory/visual hallucinations. The delirium i've had has led me to do things like hide in my attic because a police car flashing its lights across the street convinced me they were there for me, and they were imposters pretending to be real cops. There is so much more to that episode, which isn't even the most ridiculous one. Alcohol withdrawal is serious, and it seems like struggling alcoholics and professionals who administer benzos to them are the only people who understand it.
Oof, that cop thing really hits close to home. I'm glad - with obvious caveats - that you connected with this stuff
Statistically (and assuming each instance of delirium tremens carries a flat 12% risk of mortality), you had an overall ~50/50 chance of dying over 5 episodes of it. Scary!
You did the maths! That's a scary statistic, I'm just off to buy some scratchcards....
D.T.'s are made specifically for you by you. People who haven't experienced them don't understand.
Remember the priests story about the doorkeeper in The Trial?
'That door was made only for you.'
I've experienced DT's maybe half a dozen times, I enjoyed a couple of them.
That was 19 years ago. Stay well. ,🌹
Oh my god that's the kind of literary reference that never fails to hit home for me. Excellent point.
You know, some people drink heavy into their 60's 70's and 80's. Then some drink themselves to death in their 20's and 30's. You have functional, and non-functional alcoholics- happy, and violent drinkers. Some experience DT's, withdrawals and some don't.
Alcohol affects everyone differently. However, I believe misery and death is the most common outcome for those that drink heavily. And, as someone who has been in the hospital several times for acute alcohol withdrawal, you better quit while you can. I wouldn't wish my dark experiences with alcohol on my worst enemy.
Demons exist. Hell exists. And, alcohol gave me an all expenses paid, vacation tour inside Hell.
Edit: I would like to applaud your courage for making this video. I admire your bravery, Sir -- I've seen your first video, and that's when I subscribed. It serves as a grim reminder to myself and others what will happen if we start drinking again. God Bless 🙏
Thank you mate. And I agree - there are no good outcomes for people who drink heavily. It's ALL bad news. Quitting is the best thing most of us can do.
Even though I don’t know I’m glad you’re here sharing with us. What a storyteller
Thank you Zeus, good to see you here!
I can relate to it all its so hard to hear but helpful to know I’m
Not alone
. Thanks for sharing! These recollections of yours are truly enthralling.
Thank you Katman, it's not an easy watch so I'm glad you stuck with it.
@@_BatCountry I wasn't sure if you referenced this site in previous videos, but a site you should check out is called "DeliriumTremens" on TH-cam. It should be quite interesting to you as he, like yourself, is also one of the few people to go through this and live to tell the tale(s). He starts out explaining how rare it is and that in fact very few people live to tell the tale and only they can truly understand how chillingly real it is to the person experiencing it. It was posted about 3 years ago and if memory serves me is actually part of a series of videos he put out going into detail about one particular experience that I certainly will never forget. .
What's really freaky is, you know the way he describes the hallucinations justifying themselves, I think it's called confabulation, and your left brain, the side that can speak, is apparently doing this all the time. Just justifying the reality you're experiencing the best way it knows how whether it knows what is going on or not. Also freaky is that chat gpt also seems to do the same thing. If it doesn't know the answer, it lies in a confident way, very similar to confabulation.
The drinking of leftovers…..”incomprehensible demoralization!” 🤣❤️
My last 50 relapses were instant suicidal drinking and drug taking I would not wish them on my worst enemy if had some very dangerous home alone detox’s I’m now 4 and a half years sober 🙏🙏🙏📕📕📕📕
I been waiting to hear this! I remember my dt trip a few years ago. I'll never forget that. On a good note, I'm still working out everyday, eating great. Quit ciggs cold turkey almost 2 months ago. I'm addicted to this lifestyle now no b.s. I appreciate the content brother. Thank you an take care!
How’d you stop drinking? Did you go to AA? Any advice?
I ones had 2 acid tablets 30 years ago I was tripping terrible for 24 hours it scared me that bad I never did it again and can remember it like it was last week but alcohol a smashed my life and my sanity over and over again 😢
My last DTs experience was in 2005. Vikings climbing out of the TV screen carrying severed heads, then leaving through the patio door, and standing in the garden staring at me through the windows. My Mothers voice coming from inside the radiators, telling me what a useless and hopeless piece of sh*t I was. My dead Maternal Grandmother standing motionless in the corner of the kitchen, staring at me, then 'teleporting' all around the house wherever I went, and cute looking cartoon Mice, dressed in Victorian style clothing, dancing around a Maypole while singing Erika and Georgie Girl. . . If it hadn't been for my Father breaking in, and getting me into the Royal Berks Hospital, I question if I'd be around today. 6257 days. Both AA and Rational Recovery.
Thanks for your comments recently mate, and huge congratulations on your sobriety. Long may it continue.
I used to walk my buddy home..we drank together but after a while he could not walk..he had scares on his face from falling down..and his place was near..in the cold of the winter in Canada we would be there on his couch..Bobby had passed out..i was still there until his room mate showed up..drunk..and belligerent..i excused myself and went home..i did not have have head trauma as far as i can remember..but i was in the army and we certainly drank alot..thank you for the your candid conversation...but i know that when i stopped drinking beer i did go into some withdrawal..i could not sleep i was anxious and everything i had done wrong in my life came back to haunt me.
Hey Brian, thanks for sharing your experience. That withdrawal you had, that sounds like a close call. Once you've walked up to that line and crossed it, there's no crossing back to moderate drinking. It's sobriety, or worse.
Thank you. I was feeling like I was going to relapse today. I have been watching your videos today and it saved me from making that choice. The craving came from nowhere after 11 months clean. I’ll be a year out on the 4th of July and almost didn’t make it. My addiction was so bad I had an emergency liver transplant and still my brain wants some to to drink today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your share. I too experienced delirium tremens 2 years ago come late October. I count November 1, 2022 as my sobriety date, as that was the day I was released from hospital. I never planned for my life to take this turn when I took my first drink at 17 years of age. Multiple attempts at sobriety, but today, I am staying sober just for today. God Bless you and everyone affected by this disease.
Thank you Marty, congratulations on your progress, long may it continue.
I have also had extremely violent imagery during closed eye hallucinations and in very real feeling night terrors. I had a concussion when I was younger on the Ski slopes, a woman was out of control and crashed into my friend and I hit a patch of ice trying to stop to avoid them and slammed the back of my head onto solid ice. About eight years ago, I had a car accident where my head burst through my sunroof and the car kind of laid on my head until the rescue crew got there. After reflecting a lot on my past use while thinking about the connection of these violent images and head trauma, I realized that after the car accident is where my drinking started to get out of hand.
I have been tempted to start making videos similar to yours where I talk about the things that I saw and had dreams about. While they were not open eye hallucinations, they were extremely horrifying and it's still difficult to talk about sometimes. To put it simply, one of the worst things I saw when I was having closed eye visual hallucinations, was a view out of the sliding doors of a local grocery store, except the parking lot was this hellish wasteland with piles of dismembered body parts. A tall, thin demonic figure walked into my view with a machete, and a naked child ran past it and he grabbed the child and cut it's head clean off with the machete and proceeded to rape the corpse in the neck wound it created. It did not break eye contact with me the entire time and I cannot get the image of how bright white the eyes were. After that, I didn't close my eyes for more than 5 seconds at a time for almost 90 hours. I believe this is the first time I have actually written that out or told somebody about it, because it was so shocking to me that my brain would create such an awful thing and it really made me question who I am as a person.
Hey buddy.
As hard as it was for you to share that horror, and as hard as it must be for people to hear, that is what makes this stuff so essential, and so important. Because I saw stuff very similar to that, and I always assumed that it only happened to me, and therefore I must be a terrible person who didn't deserve help. If we want people to get sober, we have to make space for the uncomfortable stories like yours and mine, otherwise those who have also experienced them will continue to feel isolated and turn back to the bottle instead of to help.
I really appreciate you putting that in writing. I would gently encourage you to make a video or two too. I know not everyone has the freedom I do to talk about stuff that might show us in a bad light, but it helps me, so you might find something useful in doing it to.
Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes traumatized people self-sabotage subconsciously when things start going well because they want to be in charge of their own suffering. It’s so helpful to hear your journey and everything you’ve overcome. Very inspiring to me!
Thanks for watching Suz - and you just explained it very articulately. I hope you don't mind if I quote you in future videos!
Man the story of trying to stave off the withdrawals by any way necessary really hit me. You feel it coming and you know the agony. I would beg and steal to keep drinking. I would take any shame or embarrassment, I would voluntary lose jobs, abandon my family. Alcohol should be illegal. My hallucinations came when I closed my eyes. Faces, gory medieval faces would fly at me. I couldn’t sleep for days because I was so scared to see the faces. Then you have the shaking, sweating and your heart pounding out of your chest. Alcohol withdrawal is no joke, I just go to the hospital when I relapse now. Can’t do it without being heavily drugged with Valium.
The faces, man. Always the disfigured face. There's a few of us who see those - for you it's medieval faces, for me it's world war 1 faces. That similarity in our experiences is really interesting - any theories where that comes from/what it means?
@@_BatCountry I just think perhaps it is nightmarish. I don't know man, but I don't want to see them again. I'm getting shivers just thinking about them. I screamed so loudly at one point the nurses came and injected me with valium. I was on a ward of 5 other alcoholics, all of them were homeless and going through DTs. Thank god I never got to that level, but hearing their stories and screaming was haunting.
The worst part is that it takes a few days for them to really start, so you know what you are in for at you lowest (end of a relapse). You know you aren't in for a few days of a hangover and back to normality, you are going to hell for days.
Love your videos dude, it really helps me identify my own experience with this evil drug. Long may we remain free and sober.
💯 agree. I have multiple brain damages and delirium is a hell. 64 days sober, 108 before that. I'm so fuckin tired to learn how to live after every relapse like I'm a newborn
Congrats on your sober time. How's it going this time around?
Those words are very true. It’s like you can see through your eyelids when you close them. They are absolutely relentless.
Btw I’m glad you’re still here and documenting your human experience for the world. This may save someone’s life. Your story is horrible yet beautiful.
Thank you, I hope it's all of use to someone out there.
You hit the nail on the head. People don't realise it's like still being able to see through your eyelids. Strange but absolutely true. I think of it this way. Your brain is conjuring up an alternative reality.
@@cjh0751Yep
Another 10/10 video. Felt myself getting a bit emotional during your description of your hallucinations, I think because I found it so relatable . Personally I haven't had direct hallucinations from alcohol, but I have had extremely vivid dreams which can compete with reality for their lucidness. They are usually violent and disturbing in nature, and leave you wondering "how did my mind even conjure up such things? I must be completely insane". They have been so horrifying that I have, in the past, actually felt afraid to go to sleep after drinking heavily because I do not want to see what my brain will confront me with next. Please continue making videos, and also I must reiterate the point that your channel deserves to be 100x more popular than it is!
Thanks for the comments Harry. I would also like a bigger audience, but it'll come in time. Fr now, I'm more interested in keeping it honest.
That thing about being afraid to close your eyes, that's so real, and so scary. What a horrible way to live.
Welcome back brother! Excited to listen to this tonight at work! 💯
Thanks mate, it's not an easy watch but I hope you get something out of it
The way you describe the hallucinations is so powerful and so relatable for me. Honestly, it is exactly as you describe, especially about how even when you KNOW it's not real, that knowledge is of no comfort to you whatsoever. In fact, it gives it more power. I remember sitting in A&E with these voices in my head and I knew they weren't real, so I was responding to them by writing replies in the notes app on my phone so that nobody else in the room knew I was having a very real argument with these imaginary voices. I was writing things like, "I know you're not real, I'm here to get medication that will get rid of you." And they started to get angry and more abusive and threatening as a result. I mean how absolutely ludicrous is that? It's so hard to explain and most people find it so hard to listen to they don't want to, so thankyou for sharing your experience and allowing me to share my own here.
and it really is THAT quick. For me it went from thinking I can handle a couple of glasses of wine one night to full blown lying in bed for a week round the clock drinking, not eating, curtains drawn, ordering wine online, ignoring everyone, self pity, self loathing....Just from 0-100000 in under 12 hours. And the shame. The shame and the terror when I stop. The trauma of knowing what I've done. The suicidal nature of knocking back a full glass in one, just one after the other, like self harming. I'm so pleased you're giving us all a platform where we can be open and honest without judgement.
That bit about writing replies: that is just such a perfect encapsulation of the surreality of these experiences. That makes such perfect sense to me.
@@_BatCountry it's the whole delusional/rational thinking combined that makes it so insidious. I was having these auditory hallucinations that (I don't need to tell you) were as real to me as if someone was sat next to me talking. Yet, I knew that if I was to reply out loud in a room full of people, I'd look completely insane, so to rationalise that I decided to write it down because OBVIOUSLY, these imaginary voices could read that, and then reply back to me. Writing this now, in sobriety, seems so unbelievably ridiculous yet at the time it made perfect sense to me.
took me 2 years till now,, Delirium phases then a Hosptalisation when severe Halucinations hit ,, 10 years drinking abrupt stop,,and on Baclofen,, then 6 months later Bad Hemorage Stroke left side wasnt ment too survive 7 weeks no memory,, left hospital after 4 months recovery to get hit with 2nd Hemorage Stroke right side,,heart stopped many times through all this,,,, i have Aphasia now memory and talking is complicated but not known how i survived so much bleed and sezures,,still getting scans Nurology hospital but can still walk n talk ok,, the Delirium shadows never really leave,, they remind me every week there still suprise me,,
Tingling head common feeling? Is this going away ?
Go to a doctor buddy.
Thank you for sharing -- right now I'm in bed -- basically feeling like death💔💔💔
Get to hospital 😢
Hey. How's it going today?
I so appretiate you sharing this side of alcoholism.
I really appreciate the comments you've been posting, thank you so much for watching.
Not sure when the music started in this video but really started to notice it at about 37:00...way to insert an audible hallucination into the vid. Freaked me out as I'm sober currently but the trauma of having these in the past makes the content unwatchable. That's how traumatic these can be. DT's are no joke and the visual hallucinations are awful, the description in this video of the snakes in the art slithering, and the fact how closing your eyes does nothing "its like you see through your eye lids" - perfect description here.
But yeah for me they began at first as intense nightmares which gradually grew into a fear of not being able to fall sleep (not to be confused with somniphobia)...it is essentially an intense form of sleep anxiety. This can be common among alcoholics. Oh shit, I just switched to one of your other videos "Unexpected Long-Term Consequences of Alcoholism" - same music at the beginning. I'm going to need to finish writing this and listen to some different content while I finish writing this.
In regards to your request I suffered a traumatic brain injury (primarily pre-frontal cortex) accompanied by a series of other serious injuries. This was 13 years ago. I never had any issues with DTs and hallucinations until the past few years (5-6 times when starting/stopping drinking while still staying close to AA). I am not sure of a specific correlation between these two things - however I can say with certainty the hallucinations are horrifying and the first few times I didn't know they were DTs I just thought I was losing my mind when stopping drinking...so I would continue to drink because of the incredible fear of the withdrawals. Gabapentin and Diazepam perscribed by Medical Professional helped alot in the future.
Thanks for the content!
Oh Matt you nailed it: that's exactly what I was doing with the music.
Mine was also a pre-fontal injury. I've spoken to plenty of people who don't there's a correlation, and to be honest, it doesn't make any significant difference. The difference to me is the way the injury interfered with my impulse control. It's taken a long time to even myself out.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment, and for watching my longer videos. Congratulations on your sobriety too.
@@_BatCountrysinister that was intentional. We alcoholics are sick! Not sure exactly on the impulse control from a scientific method but can speak on experience. The compulsiveness started with “outside substances” , gambling, in fact the gambling got extremely out of control with the online platforms. 2.5 hours would go by and I’d come out of a trance and severely confused by what just happened. But the compulsiveness also continued through to of course women and dating, sugar…
The compulsiveness now is mainly alcohol at least the most harmful anyways those close to me can’t understand why I relapsed a dozen times. Neither can I frankly
Mate you ask about neuro injury whilst withdrawing... Can a parallel be drawn with benzo withdrawal which I believe is known to have that potential?
Yeah, I'm told benzo and alcohol withdrawal are similar in a lot of ways, so I suspect the damage they do is similar too.
@@_BatCountry in my drinking career daily blacking out was normal, in retrospect I'm sure that would have damaged the memory forming mechanisms.
Another great video. The hallucinations that come with the DTs can be really strange - my delirium lasted a few days but the hallucinations took about two weeks to subside.
Thanks Paul! Even now with a lot of sobriety under my belt, I still fear those hallucinations, do you have that too?
My alcohol support team say that we shouldn't call it a relapse. We should call it a lapse. We made a bad decision but we can revover from our lack of judgement. Your very lucky to have a loving family. My father has stood by me through my alcoholism. Stuart we are lucky to have such loving families.
We are indeed, and I don't take it for granted.
I was hospitalized four times, first time I struck out and was in critical care for 5 days. The other three weren't as bad but pretty bad and those are just the times I dialed 911 for myself. I'd say probably 30 other hardcore withdraws every minute. Feels like a year like you're going to die. You're plugged into a light switch. Stop drinking 2016. My obsession was completely removed. God willing it is something I would not wish on anyone. Very strange. Very scary. Guarantee you're on the Verge of death no matter what the machines or anyone says, it's cliffs
Congrats on stopping buddy, and I'm glad to see even after all these years of sobriety you're still watching sober content like mine.
Truly harrowing Stuart. Thank you for baring your soul, my friend.
Thanks for your constant support here Asif, I do appreciate it.
Thankfully, I have not experienced full-blown DTs. I've had glimpses through both auditory and tactile hallucination..man...they were traumatic enough. Thank you again Stuart. @_BatCountry
You certainly are lucky to be alive, Stu! I had almost 2 years of sobriety before relapsing a couple of weeks ago. I'm almost over the withdrawals now and I've been sober for 6 days already! Luckily, this latest binge wasn't as severe as previous ones! Great video!
You sir, are an INCREDIBLE story teller and an absolutely eloquent linguist. Appreciate your honesty on the subject. I've learned a lot as an individual on my sobriety journey of 3 years. Appreciate you and keep it up. Godspeed.
Thanks brother! I appreciate the support, and congrats on your time.
And the fuckers named a beer after this. I hate this world sometimes. I still drink the beer tho because it’s strong. I hate myself….
Thank you so much for your story. As yourself, I’m really in awe over the similarities in these experiences across both ages and land borders (I’m from Denmark). I feel almost every single account you describe - not the specific accounts, but the experience going through them. And it absolutely sticks with you! I had my first experience twenty years ago, and I recall every single thing that happened, but mostly I recall the feelings. They are so hard to explain, and you’re doing a great job doing just that. I’m NEVER going back to that place again. Not in a million years. All the best to you.
Thanks so much for the comment! And yeah, I recall the feelings too. I had written a lot of this stuff down at the time which is why I'm able to recall some of the specific details, but without my notes, I mostly remember the feelings, and snapshots of images.
It's wild how the hallucinations can go from benign as you descibe the puppy in your chair to full on horror with violence. Your puppy reminded me that last time I was withdrawing in hospital I saw a basket of kittens under the bed oppostie and kept berating the nurses for not looking after them. That's my most benign and i thanked my brain on that occasion for not unleashing the shit show it had on previous occasions. Thanks for your videos, im binging them right now as I need to hear someone speak eruditely on their personal experiences with this ❤
Incredible storytelling.
Thank you for watching!
It's like drinking or anything else. No one can convince someone else. It has to be your decision. There is a god. He exists and he alone has the power to make these things stop. These things that are chasing you are obviously not your friends. You can see what they want. God is very gentle. It's a good experience. I highly recommend it.
Delerium tremens also possible without hallucinations? I only had the delirium and the shakes.
I was an alcoholic for two years, but I have been an addict of some kind since I was 15.. Be it being stoned whole day, while doing my chores, later straight to weekend heroin user for a few years, to alcoholism due to a new best friend who was also an alcoholic.. We would drink about a liter of 40% between us every day for two years..
I have been so called functioning heroin addict and when I compare those two addictions, I actually find alcohol worse.. At some point alcohol just washes away the filter between an idea and action.. The last week of our drinking, between us, we were arrested about 4 times, been to police station 2 times... While I was the ancor between us. My friend was an alcoholic who would get violent when drinking. He would have to get into a fight, steal something or brake something.. While I was the kind that always wanted to appear normal no mater on what I was.. My friend actually calmed down drinking with me everyday.. But we still did incredible stupid stuff.. We were in our twenties and as ex rowers, we would often do 10km runs every two days, just during sobering up, just so we would enjoy our drink more later.. During that time I got stabbed by some 18 or younger kid over absolutly nothing.. While he sneakly stabs me, i am eating a sandwitch.. I got super lucky.. He stabbed me in one spot where he could do no damage.. Right into my hip, covered with belt and he swinged that knife or peace of metal so hard, it actually got crooked.. That is why I think it was metal.. Knife would break, not bend.. In reality 10cm to the side and I wouldn't be able to have sex ever again...
When we stopped, basicly over night, I guess because we were young and in good shape, the wd was heaven. For a whole week, without that depresant substance, we just laughed at everything like hiyenas..
Thing is, the friend was lucky to have me as a drinking buddy, because if it was our other friend, they would probably drunkly kill someone..
Alcohol and benzos which I also abused for months just take that filter between thought and action.. The more screwed your head is, the worse your actions can become, because just everything seems like a good idea..
Heroin addiction isn't even close.. Beside having to deal with dealers.. Active addiction is just living on the clock.. You can work, socialize, do anything, but once those 8 hours or so, have passed, you stop being able to do anything if you don't have any.. It is really not glamorous, but at least you don't do crazy ideas.. You do your best to hide your addiction and to appear normal.. I did have pretty low daily habit, of like a gram.. And that was enough for me..
After many many rehabs, nalorex for years etc, weed kept me sane.. When I didn't get weed, that is when i would likely relapse..
Addictions on different things for different people aren't the same.. I could "control" alcoholism, heroin, benzos, weed, for which I would spend more then even heroin during active addiction, but for me one thing I would completly lose control was gambling..yeah, that is how we ended up, my friend and I. He got me to gambling, while I got him to drugs... He became a speed freak, while I did stuff for gambling I never even thought while active in any other addiction.. The usual, robbed my house clean, sold all my mum gold, very rare books, my computer..
I once got money to go buy us a pizza for dinner, but between my appartment and pizza shop was a casino.. Once I lost the money, i knew I couldn't go back and say what I just did, so I made a full false memory I still have of being robbed at knife point and being roughed up.. The roughed up part was me banging my head on the walls as i am going up to my appartment..
We went to police station and I made a full report, making sure to give the height the build, the face of a typical junky etc..
I got called to police station about a month later and they had a picture of a guy, that was exactly as I imagined him.. From then on, I actually started appreceiting police competence. I didn't want to add another crime to his name so I said it is close but it isn't him..
All I am trying to say is that while in the hook of gambling, I was out of control. I would walk at night with a machete and trying to pick a perfect place to rob, knowing full well that even if I did that and got maybe few hundred euros, they would be gone in few hours..
I had to go to country side for years, to stop thinking of anything valueble as time on the slots..
We are all different, we might use for different reasons, some just to get through the day, some trying to reach death, but it is still in my mind better then straight up suicide, that I actually tried only once, while gambling.. That is how out of control I was.. I got lucky that the tie I used was bad and just torned after few second of having my full weight on it while over my neck..
Because of my gambling, i feel for people who are out of control with other things..
For me, addictions go in this order.. Addicted to power, gambling, alcohol because it is everywhere, benzos because they are so easy to get then all other addictive behaviours, be it drugs, eating dissorders, overdoing fitness, workoholism...
I am 40 now and I can surely say I only know three things..
Treat others as you want to be treated, kill only in self defense or to eat and that life is about balance in all things, at all times, because you can go overboard right to death with absolutly anything..
Cheers.. Hope you are having a good day..
watching a bunch of Dirk Delerium videos yesterday gave me nightmares last night.. 2 nights ago i didnt sleep a wink on no alcohol.. so last night I decided a benadryl and a six pack was better than what I had went through the night before.. i slept 4-5 hours straight with some good and bad dreams before waking. from there fell back to sleep after 30 mins of playing on my phone then woke up every hour on the hour. im afraid of DT's so i'm going to have a tall boy of cheap bear and a benny before bed again tonight so i can make my tee time tomorrow morning
Going back to AA and staying this time
I made the mistake of leaving was 6 months sober and relapsed
Your videos are so important. I am 2 weeks post detox after a relapse binge of 3 weeks after 4 years sober. Hearing your stories keeps me from binging again as it terrifies me my withdrawels getting worse. I have been lucky to only get moderate withdrawals so far. I don't want to take the gamble again and experience what you have. Keep doing what your doing boss, the community Will grow!
Try lots ov aa meeting mate our own will power is not enough 🙏🏻
This touched me so much I couldn’t help crying. Thank you for sharing. 🙏❤️ My dad died of alcoholism and my brother is a very bad alcoholic now… I noticed I was going the same route. I started praying to god to take this demon out of me. God help me. 🙏 8 days sober and I want to stay sober for a year.
I'm sorry you've had such tragedy in your life, it must be incredibly difficult. Congratulations on 8 days - just do the same tomorrow, and keep doing that. We're all with you.
@@_BatCountry Thank you for your kind words and support. 🙌 Staying strong and away from this poison.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through this. It really is traumatic. You have a quiet strength and you and you’re a captivating speaker. I could listen to you for hours. I just went through a relapse period after 1.5 years and it was the worst one yet. I managed the withdrawal at home myself and it felt like an exorcism. I hope that was the last. Sending strength to everyone fighting this challenge. ❤
Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. It really hurts to reset the clock after that amount of time. I hope you're doing well today, and I appreciate the comment.
I just made a video on the delirium tremens I relate so much to your story may we stay sober ❤️ them DTs are pure nightmarish
I watched it mate, and left a comment. That was scary. I can still see the fear in your eyes. It's gets easier mate, I promise. There's an email address in the description of this video if you need to talk to someone who's been through it. You've done the right thing by talking about it openly. Well done mate.
@@_BatCountry thank you and the hallucination you had in the garden seems terrible and thank you 🙏
@@_BatCountry I use to wake up and not know where I was for at least half hour after sleeping in DTs also and would stare into space
33:28 yea if you think about it, understanding what hallucinations are is quite abstract and you are way too scatterbrained for these concepts. At least with regular Delirium, dont know about that tremens part but thats for sure not making it better🙃
You are such an amazing storyteller. It’s terrifying just listening to you describe these vivid hallucinations I can’t imagine actually living it in your mind.
Thank you so much, that's a lovely thing to say :)
My grandfather had delirium…. He’d yell at the vacuum cause a neighbor was inside taunting him, or inside the radiator, even once he hit the floor convinced another guy was outside with a rifle trying to kill him…. He drank really heavy ever since his time in the merchant marine during ww2. It’s horrible..
PTSD and alcoholism are common, and it can lead to the most disturbing DTs of ALL of them. All the horrible shit you've seen in your life gets dragged up and used against you. Sorry for your experience, I hope you came out of it ok.
I love this man I look forward to hear he’s stories much respect ❤
Thanks!
Wow, all i can say is im proud of you man! you've you gone through a lot.
Damn
As a former heroin / fentanyl / oxycodone addict whom had been through w/d including PAWS (post acute wd, the absolute worst) at least 40 times, I may have felt like I would die but I knew I wouldnt. Real alcohol withdrawal scares the heck out of me. It can kill you. These stories just remind me theres a different type of demon in every substance.
Does anybody also has the brainfog for months after Delirium? Does it heal by time?
This is the first vid I watch on your channel. What a story. I knew about withdrawal symptoms that could be quite severe, but I had no idea at all about these hallucinations. The way you told what happened and described them being virus-like was very realistic to me. Thanks for sharing your experience. Your story telling skills are exceptional, imo.
Thank you so much for the compliment Ann, and for watching!
I have a weird experience with an alcohol withdrawal hallucinations. I was a drinker to the point that I needed a liver transplant. When I was first admitted there was a cartoon girl in a hoodie that was there all the time. She would even interact with the doctors too. It was so real that I didn’t realize that she wasn’t there until a month os so later. All of a sudden it all came back to me at once. My mind finally let me finally see that it was impossible and she was not there.
Is it normal to have a weird head sensation? Got this after the DT. Does this go away?
Yes regarding the head injury I was reflecting on it. I started drinking fairly late in my life. Not like as people say the typical alcoholic, who starts early drinking. When I was 25 I suffered a kick to the head. My girlfriend at the time even noticed and said you started drinking all the alcohol at my home after this incident happened. And that was not usual to me. It’s super interesting how impulsive control can get lost. I didn’t make a medical check yet. But know I’m convinced to do so. Keep up the great work! Thank you!
Thanks Smitty, keep us posted on the results of that medical check
I had full blown DT's in February 2023 at 39 years old. I had a bad fall and I split my forehead to the skull. I decided to quit drinking about a half gallon of vodka everyday for a very long time even if I was sick. I ended up vomiting 3/4 of a 5 gallon bucket of blood, catatonic seziors, brain swelling, Hepatic Encephalopathy. I spent 13 days in ICU renal cardiac wing because I went straight into Delirium Tremons. I went straight to hell and I brought back a lot of new diagnosis including liver cirrhosis. It's unbelievable what alcoholism can and will do to you. Prayers for those struggling. Do medical detox because it will kill you.
It's so important that people know your experience can happen to them. People know alcohol isn't good but they just don't know HOW BAD it can be. Hope you're doing good today mate.
@@_BatCountry yeah, I appreciate what youre doing man. I hope you are well. I'm still needing a transplant. I don't want anyone to ever experience what we've been through. It's the worst way to die. I'd rather be burned to death. It'd be quicker
I recently went through another of two relapses. I was pretty afraid of withdrawal and decided to go back to detox. This withdrawal story is pretty harrowing. I am glad you made it out, man.
For my last 5 years ov drinking the same picture in my mums house was terrifying the
Jack Russell dog on a lead used to jump the man’s leg then it see a black telly tuby with 1 eye 👁️ absolutely terrifying and I’d do it over and over again 🥲🥲🥲🥲
Deleriym tremens happeing at the same time as cocaine psychosis is not pleasant
Hey man, I just found your channel yesterday, I've been trying for a few months to get clean, I'll do two weeks here, three there (putting myself through the withdrawals basically everytime). Finding your channel cut this relapse very short, as when i found your channel yesterday it had "only" been my third day back on the bottle, so here's to another day 1. Im beginning to think i may need to go to meetings, I can deal with the physical stuff, but when the strong cravings happen, my mind is very good at convincing me that somehow im the exception, that i can go back to having a normal relationship with alcohol. Foolish. Kind of a rambly comment but the point im trying to get to is, thank you for the content you make, for having the bravery to share your story with everyone willing to listen, and congratulations on your sobriety. I will not drink with you today.
And to reply to your inquiry in the video, I've been a drinker since 18 (27 now), I fell out of a tree about four years back, broke my nose, I don't remember much of anything surrounding that event so I probably had at least a minor concussion, I never really thought about it but I guess it's possible that there's a connection, as I feel the drinking has only become an actual problem (noticable decline in mental health and general well being along with struggling to quit) in the past few years
Hey Moony, thanks so much for this, and I'm happy this has been useful to you. Yeah maybe hit some meetings, that's what they're for so don't be shy, and keep us posted on your progress.
@@_BatCountry day 2 man, I appreciate the reply, I reached out to the helpline today to find a meeting. In one of your videos you mentioned trying to stop through pure willpower, kinda white knuckling it without doing the actual work, I related a lot, that's what I was doing, and every time it's ended the same. It's time for a change. The work you're doing is so important man, I've been watching slayer-sober too, you all are showing the rest of us we're not alone
Is it a DT if you hear music in the fan in your room or is it on the verge of a DT
Oh God this took me right there again, it's good to remember sometimes. The DT hallucinations I had were more detailed, vivid and horrific than any drug I've ever taken. They're seared into my brain. I was in hospital detox most times but the benzodiazepines don't stop them. I really want to say never again! Thank you for this
Tanks Davey, I'm sorry to hear you went through it, but happy you made it out alive. And yeah, it's so hard to explain this to someone who hasn't experienced it - it's just not like a drug trip.
Abraham Hicks has some fascinating videos about alcoholism. I was surprised. I think you need a very open mind to listen to them. They gave me hope. A weird out of world hope.
I'll go listen to Abraham Hicks, thanks for the recommendation!
The hallucinations you describe sound a lot like I had coming out of a medically induced coma, was still on large doses of morphine. I couldn't be sure if i was dreaming or it was real, or a combination of the two. Went on for about 3 days. With the pain I had i had to be on morphine but i would avoid opiates in heneral after that. It was terrifying 😢
Yeah there is some kind of liminal/subliminal similarity I think. Hope you're doing good today though!
This is nuts. I never had DTs but I can't even imagine how horrific they must be. Great video and thanks for sharing :)
DTs: one star, do not recommend.
Thanks for the comment, always good to see you here. Hope you're doing good.
@@_BatCountry Thanks :) hope you are too!!
Impending death is exactly how I described it. I actually drank Listerene at that point because I didn't have any alcohol. Like he says, you know it's a hallucination but it's real at the same time. Alcohol is a very serious drug.
I drank mouthwash too. That's a low point, isn't it?
I’ve gone into the oblivion spiral and had DTs twice. My experience wasn’t as much of a nightmare it was more of a silly surreal trip. The impending doom turned up though. I have more to say than what can fit in a TH-cam comment. I’m happy to discuss with you in private if you would like.
You should commit it to video buddy, let the world see. The more of these experiences there are out there, the better it will be understood.
Having figures like Hunter S Thompson and Charles Bukowski to admire probably helped you convince yourself that drinking was ok to do
So what are you doing while hallucinating? Are you writhing around in bed? Did your parents witness you going through it? Thanks for sharing your story!
Good question. It's a mix. Sometimes I'll be hallucinating from my bed, but other times in the worst moments I'll be outside, interacting with people. It's scary.
And yeah, my parents have witnessed it a couple of times.It pains me to think about it.
The police were smart to come anyway
Having alcohol withdrawal right now. Not the worst ever, but its nasty
Me too bro it's nasty as hell it's day 2 for me being sober 😞
After binge watching all your videos I am now looking forward going into a inpatient detox/rehab next week. I feel incredibly lucky that I have the help available because many people can not take the time off from work to go into treatment. I am fully disabled from a brain injury so scared shitless about what the next month will be like. At least I will be medically monitored in case I experience DTs. Your videos have scared me enough to seek help. God Bless you my friend. And after I had my major brain injury in 2012, I had at least 7 concussions and realize every time I banged my head the drinking always got worse. There is a 100% correlation between a brain injury and suicidal drinking. And just heard you mention you practice Krav Maga. You are definitely my hero now. Thanks again for your videos. Just trying to mentally prepare for treatment next week. Won't be my first time in Rehab (been in 6 over last decade) but it will be my very last rehab because I can't live this lifestyle anymore. Plus my family DR said my liver is in bad shape and if I do not stop drinking I will have serious liver damage. So it's now a life/death situation. Stay healthy my friend.
Hey! Apologies for the slow reply, and thank you greatly for this comment. I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, but I'm reassured that in a couple of weeks you'll still be here to talk about it.
Hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you get your injury?
I've been drinking a fifth of vodka for the last week, I'm terrified of the withdrawals. DO you think I should just tapper? No access to benzos or doctors btw
Good question, and I'm not the person to ask because my advice is to go to hospital. Where are you?
its like francis bacon paintings
Thank you for your strength and honesty in sharing this. I had an experience like this in my first weeks of sobriety last year and have never had the courage to further uncover it and talk about it in hopes of finding resolve. (The halucinating the puppy experience, impending doom experience, amongst some other parts) You sharing this is inspiring me to work towards being honest about my true experiences in getting sober… thank you 🙏🏼
Hey! Thanks for the comment. In all seriousness, honesty has been the difference for me this time. Brutal honesty means accountability, and I've come to believe that's essential for long-term sobriety, I hope you're doing good today!
Got head trauma twice and not sure how often i had tremens
Kudos to your poor parents. I hope you appreciate them.
The one that still haunts me to this day, jesus just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It wasnt violent at all, quite the opposite. I was physically in ghe hospital, coming down, as we do. It was 2 or 3 am, and i was laying in my bed, and i slipped into a state.
I opened my eyes and it was almost golden hour outside, at the Palace of Fine Arts i. san Francisco. The air smelled like dew and salt. I walked around, and there were flowers, ponds, weeping trees. Lilies, people in the distance.
I walked for a bit and found a train station with tall art deco windows. I met up with a woman i didnt know, but in the hallucination she was... The one.
We boarded a train, and it started heading south towards san jose, but it glid on the pacific ocean water. On the peninsula there were marshes with reeds, cats tails, eucalyptus trees, wild roses, herons, and little ducks. Cormorants flew over, and while i knew the train was on tracks, but they were ever so slightly below the water. So it was like an infinity pool ocean. With Her sitting next to me, her head on my shoulder. It was the happiest, most content I had ever felt. We got up, left the train, and I opened my eyes.
I was standing up from my hospital bed, i had removed my IVs and was bleeding all over the floor. Apparently i had made some distance, the clean up was not trivial. A nurse was already there and talked me down. I just wanted to go back to the ocean and the train, not be in the real world, covered in blood, at 3am in the dark, soon to be alone again. With renal failure, jaundice, and a multitude of potentially mortal issues. They got me back in bed, cleaned up, re-IV'ed, and sedated me.
That was ~4 weeks after my divorce of my wife of 17 years. And the hallucination was, in a twosted way, the knife to the gut of how i knew what my life would be. I am not going to discuss the reasons behind my marriage collapsing, suffice to say i developed deep trust issues.
And seven years later, all i cam say is It Was Right.
Congratulations on your sobriety. Those hallucinations, delusions, whatever they are, they know exactly how to twist that knife. It is something that people who haven't experienced it cannot possibly understand. In fact I don't understand it myself, how our minds can work against us, totally beyond our control.
Not to speculate, but it sounds like you had a VERY close call. I'm happy you're here to talk about it.
@@_BatCountry as we say, it ain't a competition. But we've got stories :) I'll never forget Prague, or the last time I was in Taipei. Ironically --there for work --one of the guys that reported to me was an insane Khazakstani biker. Not motorcycle, bicycle. I think being nuts is a prerequisite for that country. Super nice guy to his friends though.
I do my best not to romanticize it, cause I have absoyno right to. I will tell slightly off color dad jokes as a coping mechanism though. I'll table those for now. The point these days is not to trivialize or think one is the next bukowski, but to gently encourage people to a different path if that's what they want.
Do you ever hear Acute Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome and SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome mentioned in the same sentence? Is there anyone discussing similarities out there?
Re ABI & everything leaps and bounds being made in research especially related to contact sports in Australia.
I've really only heard those two things mentioned together on the back of specific conversations about them. In the research I did for my video on kindling, I remember reading one source that mentioned both, but I can't find it now and there just isn't much literature out there about that. Not even in the un-peer-reviewed lit that I was reading. For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure I've had both, and they were very different, so I imagine there's a biochemical difference between the two processes.
You seem pretty well versed, do you have any theories?
@@_BatCountrylike you I can't find any decent research.
I am interested in the statistical link between alcohol use disorder and adhd again most references are anecdotal or out of ' selfhelp' dogma.
Keep the faith.
I Lost my ability to talk for weeks on end my gate was so lost to stuper of dark ness I can t explain nor define
How you doing today?