When I was 10 my mother and stepfather arranged for a therapist to meet with me during P.E. at school at the end of the day. The therapist asked me questions and listened. I don't remember her being therapeutic for me in any way until the conclusion of our meetings when she had my parents and I meet her at her office. She sat me in the middle of both of them where she proceeded to tell them that they, the parents, were the issue for the conflict in the family. My stepfather immediately said some rude things to her and left the room. I remember feeling validated and I have carried that feeling with me when I start to feel insecure about myself. That therapist was giving me a gift that I still carry with me for over 35 years.
According to Alice Miller your experience with that 'enlightened witness' constituted perhaps the most critical element (in a dysfunctional family and society) in not only retaining your relationship with the inner child but in learning to trust oneself throughout the life cycle: the validation of someone you trust when you were young. This is the key determinant in not only self- and community-actualization but verily of wellness itself. "If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when i was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me and take it out on innocent people because now I know what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously , without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge." -Alice Miller
Honestly not trying to throw shade on this guy but he has a really bad habit of presenting his views on something as underlying truths. For anyone thinking of becoming a therapist please take a massive, massive handful of salt with this guy. No disrespect to him, he seems smart, genuine, and well meaning. But, a lot of shitty takes on his channel.
@@lydiatheglimmermaid I don't think you understood the salient point of his story. I hope you leave children alone. You give the vibe of someone on a salvation mission.
Yeah, I was ordered to therapy as a small child by my abusive parents. They thought it was an adequate replacement for not abusing me. I mean fundamentally what it is is that the child has zero power and sending the child to therapy is the parents' way of blaming the child for their problems.
Very similar experience to mine. My father forced me to go to therapy, and I mean *forced* when I was a clearly depressed twelve-year-old. I went at first reluctantly but consensually. When the therapist proved to be condescending, surprised I had a modicum of intelligence, and unable to connect with me, I refused to go further, at which point he dragged me, physically, into the car and then the therapists office in pajamas, an experience of violence that was, obviously, humiliating and disheartening and disempowering. How was I supposed to go forward with this person who was complicit in violently stripping me of my bodily autonomy? Where could trust possibly fit in, and how could a relationship without trust possibly be therapeutic? I don't remember exactly how this was resolved, I think my mom must have persuaded him to 'allow' me to make the decision to stop going to this condescending, infantilizing person. My parents were divorced, about 4 years then. My mom had protected herself, but couldn't--wouldn't protect me from his violent temper and rigid egoism... because she had another man in the picture, another rigid, domineering person, also threatened by my independent mind, critical thinking skills. There was no room for me to exist fully and authentically at either household. Because of this I was depressed, feeling that I didn't have a home, didn't belong anywhere, wasn't safe, ever. If she or he or anybody had asked what I needed it would have been to live with my mom and for her to hold space for me, set boundaries that protected me from her man's desire for total control and to make me small and compliant, never expressing an original opinion or independent thought. Maybe they were clueless; maybe they were just dishonest with themselves about what I really needed. I think my dad may have been thinking that he was doing the 'right' thing by exerting total control to 'make' me better, but I cut him no slack because his ultimate priority was protecting his own ego from self-awareness. He was not in therapy. Edit: A few years later at around 15 I decided that I actually would like to go to therapy of my own choosing with somebody who I actually connected with and didn't treat me like a feeble-minded child, but at that point my pride wouldn't allow it as I didn't want to vindicate, implicitly, his former violence in forcing me to go; and because I knew he thought therapy was for the weak (or rather, inherently degrading- a loss of face) and inferior because of his modeling (by not going despite his major, disabling emotional issues.)
@@yesicalicht4882 I had to think for a minute what you meant. No, I didn't go at 15/26, when I was actually reeally depressed, more than at twelve, suicidal even; when the forced experience had been so degrading, humiliating, and left me feeling helpless, and traumatized. Now, in my thirties, I have been actively seeking therapy for years, but because of this asinine state-by-state licensing situation, in the rural area I am in, I have yet to find a competent, honest therapist with integrity and awareness of social contexts and experience in my particular areas of need who is also either willing to take my insurance, or to accept out of pocket payment knowing I have to rely on community support- mutual aid for help with payments. It is really frustrating.
I fully agree Daniel. I'm a nurse on an inpatient child and adolescent psychiatric unit of a large hospital. 98% of our children's problems come from their environment, their nurture.
I'll be graduating soon and have a huge interest in working as a psych nurse. Do you believe the mental health system is somewhat corrupt in terms of dx, pill pushing and insurance vs true therapeutic care/psychotherapy? If I were to ever be a PMHNP, I'd like to incorporate therapy more over psychopharmacology but it seems you'd need your own practice to do that if insurance allows it. 15-30min sessions only allows time for med management and that's what I dislike about the nursing provider role lately. Maybe it's what you make of it? How do you like being a psych nurse?
A few people over the years asked me to work with their children, but I refused for very similar reasons. To some, I said directly that the root problem is not the child. To others, I invited them to try talking to me instead of sending the child. I also had several parent-clients who consciously had a goal to become better parents to their children, which is wonderful. -Darius
Does it matter if the child is the root cause? If you believe your job is beneficial what is the harm in helping a child with whatever they have to tell you?
@@markdouglas1601 The act of forcing the child into therapy itself is the problem. Just attending therapy gives the child a complex. They automatically think they were born broken, wrong, and bad.
@@emiliavenka not necessarily. A kid can feel nervous like that going in but you just have to talk to them/normalize it for them. Just the idea of being there isn't traumatic..kids aren't fragile
I was sent to a therapist for the first time as a young teen. It all came back to me being bullied at school because I liked literature, I liked learning foreign languages and new words, I like old fashioned music. It didn't help, it just made me worse. What I needed was teachers and administrators who did not tolerate bullying. Instead they though it would be easier to change me than deal with the bullies. The therapist just pushed me to befriend people at my school when I didn't like them and had my friends outside of school. Nope, your homework is talk to them at lunch, help them with their work. It was plain BULLSHIT. Some adult therapy I've had with a social worker was pretty good, but now the insurance companies and whatnot want to stuff their noses in it.
thats shitty sorry ur "therapist" was blaming u the victim. some therapists lack real empathy and their goal is not to understand and help u but to make u fit in and be "normal". stay away from them
Haha...had a similar experience here. Therapy is often complete BS especially because of the power-imbalance (and especially when patients are forced to go there or coerced)...this asymmetry is not making it that safe either...better just talk to someone. You hear this so often, that therapists always blame the vicitms and the abusers run free like nothing has ever happened and pick new victims. That is the system we are living in. People in our western society deny that evil, illness, trauma, death and corruption exist right in front of their doorstep (and of course, every problem has a very simple solution-not), so vicitms are simply stupid and something is wrong with them and their perception..and especially our psychiatric system often violates basic human rights...tons of abuse going on in these places. Stay away from there, if you can. And the thing is that the members of our society are f*cking themselves with that attitude big time, because a horrible fate can hit anybody. Predators of all kinds have it easy nowadays thanks to our culture that hates the victimized-and we also fail big time to see that abusers are not healthy and need help themselves (often they are former victims themselves that ,,evolved'' and are now more adpated to a sick environment). Very unhealthy, these dynamics. How does it come, that people in bad situations are being seen as less than human nowadays?
When I was 10 I was sick to the point of almost dying but doctors could not figure out why. They did every test imaginable on me. No one thought to consider what my home life was like because I had no father to abuse me....just an "innocent" single mother (who should have been in an institute, not a house alone with 3 young children). They did diagnose me with stress, though. I know this because my mother came to me and told my ten year old self, "The doctor says this is from stress so you need to stop being stressed out" and walked away. Thanks for another great video, Daniel!
Yeah, it is that simple. Just stop being stressed out.. I reply to you becouse I was in similar situation. For the most of my teenage years I was thinking about myself as "stressed out". This was the way I described myself in my head. Now I know that my home was very stressful, and really no one cared. My parents never consider going to therapy, but were keen on putting me thru this. That caused me to internalize alot of guilt and shame. Becouse in their mind I was the problem. Take care.
This happened to me in 1980. I would be pulled out of class by the 'special' lady and si everyone would know there was something wrong with me. I learned how to fragment, hide, and protect myself by no longer expressing myself. It was me, not the homelife. I was being abused at home and school and yet it was all my fault. At the age of five I hatched my escape plan. It was now at 44 that I realize that my plan worked. It took over 20 years to activate, but I shut down, excelled in my studies, said nothing and then escaped when I graduated university. I knew I could not trust my parents, teachers or anyone. What you say is completely true. I survived but now I am trying to dismantle the walls I built.
What if the parents are emotionally abusive and don't think that there is anything wrong with them? What if they refuse to go to therapy themselves? What if the kid has self-esteem issues because of the parents behavior and has trouble making friends, and is bullied because of that? What if the parents are emotionally unavaliable and send the kid off to therapy because they can't be bothered to deal with that shit? Who is the kid supposed to talk to?
100% TRUTH. I’m so grateful you’re not afraid to speak the truth, as unpopular as it may be. YOU ARE A GIFT TO CHILDREN. THANK YOU for advocating on their behalf.
You really think an abusive or neglectful parent is going to self-fix his kid? These children need help coping with their disturbed parents. If the parent had any insight, they would already seek therapy for themselves.
OMG,! I’m retired now, but when I was practicing I used to say I was going to have a t-shirt printed saying “it’s never the child’s fault”. I agree with everything you say.
Children absolutely do not belong in therapy. I remember being a child and being put into therapy and it caused most of my problems. My mother had me in therapy because she didn't want to take responsibility for her problems. I remember she had me on medication in hopes I would know me so much that she wouldn't have to deal with me. I think she did this team cuz she regretted having children.
1:30 This!! This is my family down to a T! My younger brother began having anger issues at 7 years old because of my mother's constant abuse towards us and my father's refusal to do anything about it because it would 'disrupt the peace.' My parents sent my brother to a child psychologist to fix him. I doubt that they ever told the therapist about what really went on. He was lectured to, given some stress balls, my parents were advised on all sorts of techniques to get him to behave. But obviously it didn't work.....because my mother still hit him, screamed at him and demeaned him at every turn. Similarly, when I told a school councillor about the abuse at 12 they called my parents for a mandatory meeting (against my will) and my parents still didn't do a thing to change their ways. Of course from their perspective their children just happened to be born as abnormal, lying, stupid, ungrateful bitches.
This is really important. It's good hearing this from a therapist. I was in therapy as a child and sometimes it felt like I was just a prop for my mother's therapy. I remember one session where the therapist had my mother tell me about the time she had tried to kill me when I was a toddler and I had to forgive her so she could have closure. I had forgotten about the incident so it was really traumatising to learn, at ten years old, that it had happened at all. Another time for attachment therapy when I was 12, therapist had my mom lie down on top of me while I struggled. There was a book Holding Time that promised that once the child got all their angries out there would be intimacy and eye contact on the other side. Instead, therapy was just another place I learned that my body wasn't my own. I didn't understand why I was being held down. I thought I was going to be raped. That was the only context I had for that kind of thing. I still struggle with learned helplessness. You are absolutely right that the therapist has to take the abusive parents' side because they know who is paying them.
As someone who's been in therapy for over a year with a basic understanding of human respect, that therapist should have been fired. I am so sorry you had to go through that and I want you to know things will get better ❤
I get what your saying. I came from an abusive toxic family. Am sure after meeting the parents. You are right its the parents. BUT the child needs to understand its not the child's fault and has to learn coping skills that obviously the parents never learned. In this situation the therapist can have a huge impact on the child's response and future. Maybe even avoid (C)PTSD. I agree the parents need help. But at least one of them recognizes and is hoping to give the kid a chance at breaking the generational trauma.
Yeah, my dad has some issues that hes never dealt with properly, and at age 50 its likely he never will. It can be almost impossible for someone to sort out all of the lies they’ve built their lives on that late in life, but a child could benefit enormously from it. Especially with kids who seem to be prone to disorders such as borderline, who many times have a genetic vulnerability that they need to learn how to control.
Depending on the child's age and maturity level, perhaps. But, if the environment is toxic enough, the child just needs to be relocated to someone who can function as parents. On the other hand, I`m sure there are a lot of horror stories about foster parents too. Help the parents be better parents if possible. This is a very difficult topic...
k j, exactly right. Often a therapist is literally the only adult in a child’s life who is validating their feelings. Everyone else is telling them to get over it, or that they’re wrong to even have those feelings.
I imagine that dedicating your career to telling kids its not their fault then getting fired by the parent, case in case out, must chew through people and is hella counterproductive.
I'm 17. I never liked therapy. My mom forced me into therapy because I was the "problem". I hate psychiatry. I was diagnosed as "autistic" at age 2 because my mom thought that was best for me. The "professionals" labeled me without my consent! I can't be myself without being pathologized! I want to forget about this diagnosis but I have internalized it and it's really hard to forget because it's been forced on to me for so long.
at 12 or 13 i was taken to family therapy that i didn't want to be at and i described the abuse that was going on in my home life and that therapist looked me dead in the eyes and told me that everyone looks at situations differently and i could think i was being hit or having horrible things yelled at me when really it wasn't happening and someone else in the situation could see it as something completely different this really confused me and made me think that what was happening to me was ok
YES! This plus problems in the school system. I was put into therapy starting in gradeschool, and it really wasn't helpful. I kept on telling them about issues at HOME and in SCHOOL yet the issue was seen as *me*. When I got older and removed myself from those situations, many of my issues went away.
Totally agree. A child’s behaviour is a reflection of what goes on at home especially his or her relationship with the parents and the parents’ relationship with each other.
This resonated with me more than it should have. When I was 10, I was forced to therapy and I refused to talk. Anyone who's been to therapy knows they have their 'tricks' to get information out of you, so I eventually broke under the pressure and told things I didn't want to/trust her with. At age 12 I became depressed and went to a different therapist (of my own free will this time) and she was really nice. However, we often talked as adults and never got to the heart of the problem. One day she asked me to bring my dad with me (I had a lot of trouble with my parents). I asked him to come but he just said: "no, because I don't have a problem." This led me to believe I was the problem.
What you say is eye opening. My mother had postpartum depression and that affected me very much and on top of that she has OCD. So I had a very stressful childhood. My mother put me into therapy when she was actually the problem. I though I was the problem. Making me even more depressed. However, now I know more and I'm trying to fix the way she made me think.
Ive always found, from just observation of being in offices and hospitals for my own issues, that its almost ALWAYS the parents that need the therapy when the child is the one being brought for said services.. that being said, i still think the child needs someone to talk to about those issues and how it effects them... even children need an outlet.. and when they have shitty parents, thats hard to accomplish in their home setting... also, i dunno if you should be looking for 'free will' to talk to someone in a child.. most children ive seen in these settings are very reluctant to open up about family problems because its embarrassing to them and they can have a sense of shame about it.
I remember when I was child, my mom brought me to a therapist because I was angry and anxious child! The moment I saw the sign of therapist's office, with the list of problems he could support, I refused to enter the office. I said "I'm not psychopath". But of course, that made me feel like I'm a psychopath. I wish that therapist was responsible enough like you, to reject the appointment in the first place or ask my parents to go to therapist. Very little side note: I was raised in a family that serious fights between parents was a routine. There was absolutely no love between parents and my mom put blame on us to stay in marriage and not divorce "because she had to take care of us"!
they never want to acknowledge the real problem for a few reasons. its easier to just blame the defenseless child, if u start to look at the parent they will fight back and u as the therapist may be out of a job. then of course its all about the money, they want to put "unruly, troubled" children on pills, and then many therapists are also parents and they dont like to criticize any parent. they identify w/ them too much and also dont want to look at how they as a parent may be unfit
As someone who spent my life from age 6 to 24 regularly visiting a family psychiatrist, I can say that you're absolutely right about this. I always had this feeling like I wasn't the person who needed to be sitting on the couch. It's the woman who drove me here. There was such a cruel irony in that. Whenever I tried to express to the psychiatrist that my family is the problem, she would suggest with failed subtlety that I'm the problem and that I'm simply trying to direct blame away from myself. By the time I was an adult I noticed these suggestions became more frequent and overt. They became direct accusations. Of all the people in the world who should share an understanding of my situation deep enough to offer some useful advice, I thought the psychiatrist I had been meeting with every month since I was a small child would be that one person. Her complete lack of understanding of the role of my family situation in my problems, and lack of a long term psychiatric plan... both amounted to a brutal realization for me. That was the moment I realized I was truly alone in my problems with my family, and this expert I had been meeting with all my life was as clueless and careless as I had begun to fear. When I expressed interest in getting off my medicine around the age of 18, I was excluded from the discussion as my psychiatrist and parents talked about it in private without me. I was refused without anything more than a vague explanation that I need to stay the medicines longer. I wanted to know more about the long term effects of the medicines on the brain, hear about the research on it and about cases of other people who have taken it. My concerns were dismissed, and that always made me suspicious that no long term research really exists. Like I'm the first human guinea pig they're using to test some new medicines. And that concern was further supported by the insistence that I had to keep taking it until a certain age without any articulate reason as to why. Eventually I got off the medicines around age 24 and have been fine for the 6 years since. As you mentioned in another video, this happened too. I can trace my entire diagnosis back to a single comment I said to the psychiatrist. And I always felt like my comment was misunderstood. The psychiatrist did not ask the right questions to gain a better understanding of what I meant. She decided that she knew what the problem was, felt no further need to ask questions, and that was that. The sequence of medicines I've taken throughout my life changed the structures of my brain, subdued my personality (I was very different as a child. Much higher in extraversion.) and changed me in ways that leave me wonder if I was really helped or harmed. I learned that I can not trust any "expert" to be able to responsibly psycho-analyze me and come up with the best way to deal with me, especially not based on the things I say. Every psychometric test I have taken as an adult tells me that I'm exceptionally high in emotional intelligence, openness, honesty traits, and exceptionally low in anxiety. Due simply to my personality, people are frequently surprised by the things I'm willing to admit to thinking. People low in emotional intelligence and openness traits often have difficulty understanding me and write me off as a little crazy. It is a running joke among my friends and I. I suspect that kind of misunderstanding is at least in part what happened in the therapist's office all those years ago. When anybody tells me that I am safe to speak my mind, I know that it is cause to tread more carefully rather than less. Don't trust anybody with your unfiltered mind. Not your therapist and not even your partner. Just hone the self discipline to filter it. What 6 year old me would have appreciated was if somebody had tried to help me gain mastery over my mind and emotions through therapeutic means (novel idea) before jumping to medicinal brain restructuring. And if somebody had taken a look at the fucked up parents before they start tampering with the kid. (My parents I have learned through my own research are Narcissist and BPD. It's a relief to finally be able to put names to the insidious shit that happened to me. Apparently that is common among people who lived with BPD people.)
No Joke: I thought I would live my whole life and not hear this take from as many as five people. So far, I think you make it four, so I'm still not there yet, but its certainly exciting for me as a clinician with the same views/conclusions on the matter (I won't work with kids, only parents, which usually leads to an F U! as they storm out of my office when I offer the same take). Also, I'm pretty sure I'm stealing/paraphrasing one of your lines in the future: "If you believe in therapy enough to send your kids, why don't you give it a try first." Thanks for the excellent content!
My mother left me with a non english speaking nanny everyday at 6 mnths old and put me in school a year early in order to become a marriage and family therapist! My father never wanted her to do that and never respected her profession. They were and still are a fundamentally unhealthy couple. Instead of fixing their ugly relationship and personal problems she sent me to therapy and psychiatry throughout my teens. It was useless, stigmatized me, solved nothing whatsoever at home, led to a lifetime of mental health problems. I’m still barely functional. But I have finally understood how selfish and unintelligent my parents were and to a degree still are. Thanks for this vid.
This was the early 70's and a boy in my class had to go to a psychiatrist. He had to go during the day and had to leave school so everyone knew. He was a sweet kid and I felt bad for him.
ive been in an out of therapy since i was 5 when my mom decided i had to see one when my parents split. at 5 i was like "okay whatever mom and dad are gonna live apart now" but my mom was the one who made me feel like it was something i was supposed to feel guilty about. my mom would routinely send me to therapists throughout my childhood for my "issues" instead of ever being a person i could talk to or look up to. i have sat through so many family sessions where my mom would go on and on to the therapist about how we were the worst children ever who were out to ruin her life when we didn't wash our dishes or take out the trash, and she usually ended up in tears. after every session, i always felt like i was being led told what to feel and what i was experiencing. i kept feeling like a burden and a problem child who didn't even know what they were feeling, who was disrespectful and ungrateful, who had to make sure i didn't 'hurt' my mother, to do what i was told. i spent my childhood raising my my mother, being her therapist, giving her life and dating advice before i hit double digits, and i even got her out of a physically, emotionally, and financially abusive relationship (he was my father figure for 9 years and we lived together) in 8th grade with a pamphlet i got in health class. i was struggling really bad when i went to college from the years and years of neglected emotional health, and eventually dropped out halfway through my sophomore year. the summer after my freshman year i opened up for the first time to my mom, and she told me she wanted me to go see a therapist because i was "broken", and a therapist could "fix" me. i told my mom and therapist i was open to it as long as i didn't have to go on any medications. so i went after the second session, the therapist told me to see my doctor so they could prescribe me antidepressants. i went on what my doctor prescribed me after i filled out a little 50 question long questionnaire and was diagnosed with "severe depression and anxiety." after a week the dose was boosted, and then again a couple weeks later. i eventually weaned myself off it after about two months because it was quite literally killing me. now, my mom's back in another unhealthy relationship except this time she seems to have picked him over her own children. when she visited me when i was away, she tried to get me to say how terrible my little sister was like she usually does when we're apart. i refused and when she started telling me what an evil selfish b*tch i was, i got out of the car when we were in a parking lot before she could do her favorite thing: screaming at me at the top of her lungs while driving. years ago, i would have cowered in fear and listened to her and internalized what she said, agreed when she told me i was disgusting or evil or broken. it took me my whole childhood to realize that *i* wasn't the problem, that that's not the way adults handle their problems, and that's not how parents react when their children upset them. it amazes me that after all those years in therapy and counseling, none of them ever listened to a thing i said. it's taken a lot of time to come to his conclusion, but hopefully other people can empathize with parts of my story. i spent years and years feeling completely alone and isolated, so as terrible as it seems i kind of feel relief knowing that other people may be able to relate to my experiences.
I experienced everything you’re describing... which was why I constantly gutted heads with counselors and refused to comply with treatment... so I dealt with lots of police... lots of inpatient. I had a couple counselors who were pretty good... and they were usually men... who really didn’t discuss my sessions with my mother... or at least talked with me first about what he was telling her. He didn’t make me wrong for drinking as a teenager... he didn’t encourage it either... but my scenario was pretty screwed up... rather than coming down on me for getting high and drinking and not taking psych meds... he encouraged me in the things I was doing that were positive like working, going to trade school and working out... it was a rare situation though
I was in some sort of school sanctioned therapy from 4th grade till my senior year of high school. I had behavioral issues that the school just couldn’t understand and refused to do so. Turns out I am an autistic female, who also happened to be traumatized by the frequent arguments between my parents. My father was and still is domineering and oppressive, and I’ve just come to the conclusion that he is a narcissist, as well as plainly stupider than everyone else in our family. He hates when someone else is more knowledgeable about things than him because he doesn’t have the upper hand in deciding what we think about it. I have been unpacking a lot of things that I have grown up believing and expressing myself more to my mom, who is more free to speak her mind on my dad’s behavior now that she doesn’t have to protect us kids. I don’t feel like I need to mask and hide my feelings and interests because I also don’t have to protect her from dealing with more stress anymore
Just discovered yr page. I love your spirit. I believe even though you have stopped "practicing" .. you are reaching and helping far more people now through your videos 🤘🏻
My parents got mad at me for not making progress in therapy. It was like I was failing school. And the pestering for information regarding progress in which they felt entitled to. I thought they were paying out of pocket with how frustrated they would get. Apparently it was insured the whole time.
My first therapist at age 12, was one of the WORST. She really had negative impact on me. low and behold seven years later, SHE showed up as my intro to psychology teacher's substitute (he left on a medical leave) and I had been doing well in his class. When she arrived I began failing. She told me I wasn't cut out or capable. I dropped the class. the irony...
I’m glad you’ve decided to make these informative videos after retiring from being a therapist. You are deeply insightful and are still helping people so much. Thank you
I'm currently in an MFT program and the overall viewpoint is just that: the child is often the identified patient and most of the time it's the parents causing the problem! My (probably idealistic) thinking is that if I can shift the system while the child is still young, that may then curtail a lot of trauma that would otherwise be more difficult to treat as an adult client after years and years of trauma and dysfunction. Easier said than done, I'm sure!
Daniel, I am a psychotherapist (student clinician) working with children and youth and everything you've said in this video rings so true. Thank you for putting this out there.
I would love for you to talk about how to help children who experience trauma or abuse or what kinds of therapy is good for children. For example play therapy. Am I correct in thinking in this video you are only speaking of psychotherapy? I'm not sure what the difference is. Would love to also hear your thoughts about adverse childhood experiences
Dear, Mr Mackler, I agree with you that it WOULD be best in most cases, if the parents and not the children went to therapy and that there is a high danger of the therapist getting too much power over the child. But as you described and I am with you there, parents often don't want to go to therapy and see how screwed up they are. So what do you then suggest for all those poor children? Wait until they are grown up and totaly screwed up themselves, have learned lots of unhealthy coping skills and have burried so much of their real self and their traumatizing memories? I can't say I disagree or agree with my own question, but I was wondering what your arguements on that were, if my question is worth an answer.
i think your question is good and fair and i wish i had a good reply. off the top of my head my best answer is...maybe good group activities for kids, places that make it easy for them to come in contact with good potential friends, maybe good mentoring programs with volunteer (or perhaps even paid) adults. maybe safe places, recreation centers, for them to discuss what they're going through and engage in healthy activities....
Daniel Mackler Thank you for answering! I think you might be right, but how is "a save placd where they can talk about what they are going through" different to therapy? Maybe the bondage between the children and adults is looser, but that also means that the children potentially don't really grow to trust the people there or get the emotional support they need, because if they have really messed up parents, chances are the children will have trust issues very early on. And also the thing with places where they can find potentially good friends is, children especially start picking on on children that do have severe problems already and so it is a potential new source of trauma especially talking about places, where lots of children come together and even more so children that all have mental health issues, so it would have to be monitored very very carefully. But I don't have the great answers myself.
When I work with kids, I try to get on their level and play a lot of games with them and listen to them. I do a lot of research from books of previous therapists and I try to take what I have learned and apply it but it is still SO DIFFICULT. I am really conscious of how children have complete trust of adults. It is so scary but at the same time it holds me accountable. Since the system is corrupt, it is very difficult to advocate for the children’s rights since nobody believes children and the judicial system is a complete joke.
Damn, this was a good video. Now that I think about it, this is probably a reason (perhaps even the main reason) why therapy didn't work for me. While I don't think that parents should be blamed for EVERYTHING bad their kids do, I also don't usually think it's rational to completely absolve parents from blame when the very children they decided to bring onto this world are experiencing psychological issues and legally depend on them. I was placed in therapy when I was 11 and while I do have issues of my own, it still doesn't make sense why I was the only one getting labeled and being made to see therapists and psychiatrists when my parents were clearly fucked up and needed services themselves. My dad's a narcissist and my mom has a lot of unresolved traumas. I feel like when fingers are only being pointed at the kids, "treatment" becomes very one-sided because it's practically sacrilege to speculate the parents as being the issue and kids can feel helpless because legally, they don't have much of a say in what goes on in their treatment plan, which leaves clinicians with too much authority over them.
That's quite a different situation from the one being described in the video. He's talking about children who are forced into therapy because they are having "behavior problems", which is incredibly common. In reality the problem is actually the parents and the child is reacting naturally to a situation in which they are completely powerless. The only power they have is to scream, cry, and act out. They cannot simply get in their car and leave, they're *children.* They are forced to put up with abuse and then forced into therapy when they have natural human reactions to being powerless and abused. The therapist is supposed to "fix" the child, aka destroy that natural reaction to trauma so the parent can abuse them at will and the child will passively obey and accept it.
When my oldest daughter was around 12 years old she got depressed and I took her to a child psychiatrist and that helped a lot. For her to talk to someone outside of it all and for me to better understand her behaviour and how to cope with it. It was a very good experience for the both of us. So I don't necessarily agree with you, but it is for certain that the parent has to be open to learn too. It's not a case of bringing the child in and come back when it's fixed :')
@@sahahasha2843 That is a very unfair presumption and I take personal offence to that since I am depressed and it started when I was about 12 and it has absolutely nothing to do with my parents. No one is perfect and for a parent to reach out for professional help when they don't know what to do isn't cruel, vindictive or selfish, it is called caring. She better learn't her daughter's life and her daughters cognitive reasoning.
My son had depression at the age of eight after the death of his grandpa and from issues in the home. I was in therapy but my ex-husband refused to get help. His dad also refused to agree to get my son help, and my son tried to commit suicide twice within a short period of time. Thank goodness he wasn't successful. I think it's situational and each child is on a case by case basis. His father refused to get counseling for himself, so the rest of the family suffered. It's a tough issue, but every child and every case is different. If I could go back in time, I would get my son the help he needed when he needed it. Our family needed help, we all needed help, but when only certain members are on board, the kids need more than a mom at times, they need a professional. Just an opinion from a mom still in recovery. My son's issues were from us, but I knew he needed more than my help. I should have listened to my intuition and gotten him help from a professional. It would have helped him communicate the pain he felt in his heart and helped me know how to help him. He clammed up and went from a very verbal child to closed off. I regret listening to my ex to this day. My son still struggles to express his emotions and struggles with depression. Good video, Daniel, you make a lot of good points, but not all parents are totally clueless about their own issues. My child was never the problem ane we all knew it. Not all parents are brain dead to their kid's issues and the issues caused by the marriage relationship. We all need to heal and grow, but what if your husband refuses to heal?
kids don-t need professionals, they need a respecfull and nurturing environment, if they don t have it, they are going to get in troubles sooner than later
Yeah I was sent to a counselor in my late teens to talk about some issues I had. When I started talking about them, my father didn’t like it and stopped paying for me to go. Children are brutalized by parents
I get what you're saying. True though because when I was sent to therapy as a child I refused to talk. I'm glad I did that. That was me saying no I will not go there with you.
@chubbynugget Same, except a few I had would just sit there in silence with me. They didn't ask any questions or try to get me to talk-they were happy to have an hour long break and still get paid.
I saw a psychiatrist when I was an adult once. He was very arrogant. he enjoyed embarrassing me. He really enjoyed having power. I saw him in a psychiatric hospital.
You're a good therapist and human being. I just recently Came across your videos. So far they've all made a lot of sense to me. I was born 1968. I seen the movie, Mommie Dearest a few years ago and was amazed how similar Joan Crawford was to my mother's demeanor. That was a few years ago. Also, virtual every relative I had was neglefull and abusive to me. Also I m a first gulf war vet. Desert Storm. Broke my back in1999. Been in much pain for a long time.. Only child. I could go on and on. But I think just like your talking. Ive been studying a lot of these same things your talking about. And your spot on how I feel about a lot of these issues. Thanks
Great video Daniel!!!!!!!My mother and father forced me to go to psychoanalysis five days a week for 5 years from age 5 to 10. To say I was stigmatized is an understatement. I had feelings of anxiety, depression and guilt as I was told to keep my sessions a secret from friends and relatives.as well. I had false memories of sexual abuse planted into my head by my Freudian Psychologist that I accepted as fact only because, well, as kids we're told to believe authority figures. I had no memory of this abuse and I found it weird that these events supposedly happened. As a result of my therapy I had a nervous tick for years that didn't go away until I was well into adulthood. In addition to this, I was socially awkward throughout my adolescence. I still haven't fully forgiven my parents for what they did to me.
I always sat in with my son in therapy-for years. My husband too. I always wanted to be there for him. His severe OCD was the result of things outside the family. Bullying at school. He never told us that. We had a wonderful relationship with him and were very supportive. He still got bullied. His OCD became so extreme he was bedridden/nonfunctional. So what to do then? Still no therapy for him? Not all parents are overbearing ogres.
Just because you happened to be a rare and special exception doesn't mean the information in the video isn't true. People have much different lives than you, they have different struggles. You aren't the target audience for this video but you took offensive to it anyway-why? If you are confident you did the right thing for your child why would you feel targeted by this video? It sounds like perhaps you actually have some guilt about putting your child in therapy that you haven't addressed at all.
@@emiliavenka Not saying the info isn't true. Just saying not everyone has mental issues due to childhood trauma. If you watch most of his videos, that is what always is implied. I happen to disagree with it.
I went to therapy when I was 17/18 when I still lived with my parents, and by the end I visited psychiatrist with my mom, and she told her to contact an organisation dealing with alcoholism (my father). My mother was to set an ultimatum to my father to sent him to therapy or kick him out. Instead after some time she asked that the rest of us get therapy for codependancy, while my father went on doing as always. I didn't go, that was a betrayal as far as I can tell, and I didn't feel I was helped by the previous therapy, so why should this help. My older brother ended up going there after some time, for few years, but didn't appreciate it very much in the end.
My parents wanted therapy for me so i could feel better and happier and live healthy. Because for them it was important i get to be happy and in a good place, they ended up listening to all that came from me, even hurtful, while continue to love me, and never make it about them. And this is the only reaction when your parents truly love you.no matter how tough and harsh you get, they never stop being on your side. why some parents turn against their kids, or put their own interests first, could be they are not as unconditional as parents. Parents who love unconditionally, even though hurt, cannot stop loving and supporting and wanting to be around their kids only for one reason they love them and want their best and want to care. And unconditional love is optional, not a given for all parents. Just like all people in a relationship don't feel unconditional love for each other. When you are a, a husband and wife experiencing conditional love, it might be sometimes possible, for you to not feel that unconditional with your kids. Though not necessarily that's always the case.
My mom could not tolerate the 'hurtful' criticism of therapy, so she 'gave up.' My dad never went although he was traumatized by family. So *they decided to blame my birth family's genetics* and left it at that. Abandoned me personally. *Shifted the entire responsibility* onto me, namely for the *negative effects of all adults who had ever impacted my life.* Not supportive and caring, except in their own provisional and situational way. Distant. Judgmental.
Excellent remarks about collusion, with parents. And yet more excellent remarks about the potential power dynamic between a therapist and a child client.
This is so spot on. My mom did this to me as a kid acting like the victim and acting like I was the bad1 it was funny when she actually sat down in therapy and started questioning her b.s she got super defensive. My mom was very irresponsible and my step dad was abusive
Absolutely. As the major part of the primary support system of children, parents have much to do with the creation of the schemata that will follow the child throughout their lifetime. I totally relate on a personal level both as a former clinician and a child that grew up in a troubled family system. Your speaking great truth and it is truth that sets people free:-). Oh, I must add that part of being helpful to people it is VITAL that therapists continuously be aware of what is going on in them in regards to their interpersonal interactions with their clients. I must agree, Daniel, that because therapists hold a great deal of power, children can be exceedingly vulnerable in the professional relationship and if the therapist is not self aware they (the therapist) can cause more harm.
Same. Didn't get diagnosed until I was dropping out of college for the 3rd time. Growing up my family called me selfish and lazy. They emphasised that I was simply a bad child-that I was "born difficult and evil". They never took responsibility for their screaming fits, violently throwing objects, locking me in my room all day, constant neglect, and complete emotional unavailability. Now with an actual diagnosis I understand why I did what I did-and that THEY were actually the problem, not me. They chose to abuse a developmentally disabled child for being developmentally disabled. I can't fix that for them, they have to deal with their own problems. My "good behavior" cannot fix a parents personality disorder, so attempting to always punish and correct myself was useless. Plus a therapist can't undo the permanent damage done to a child, especially if the child is still at home. You can't begin healing if the damage is still being done. A burn can't heal until you take your hand out of the fire-a child cannot heal while still being abused.
In spite of agreeing with much of this perspective, maybe there is still something that can be done just for children. Being a witness for them, creating a space for children to explore their experience and express themselves ... and only that - with no assurance to parents or anyone else that anything more is being offered and with no outcomes being promised. Children do deserve excellent or at least good enough parents, but they don't always get ideal parents and some parents are definitely not able to meet the minimum demands made of them. Helping the parents help the children might not be an option...
I tried to take my kids to a therapist, 2 different ones, they sucked. They were both on a power trip. My kids went only a few times and I realized this and we didn’t return.
One of the largest regrets I have is bringing my children to Child Psychologist, I am a Social Worker who became ill in the 80s and went to therapy to cope with the many changes,I was advised by many Therapists I looked to as Mentors and Colleagues my kids would come through all of the changes better with therapy- I had been in Therapy alone for 7 years.. before I brought my children to my Therapists Partner.. it was said to be the best as a Family Systems Approach to give them their own space to express., keep up the truth-telling .
therapists are always into the power trip therefore therapy is counter productive for the client because they are in essence there to big up the therapist ego, usually by being patronized on a subtle level and being gaslighted into believing they are there for their good, when the entire opposite is true, but because the client feels they need help somehow, they end up accepting and justifying a lot of these subtle things that doesnt make them feel good because of feeling dependant. All these subtle details and the feeling of dependancy is a lot of energy and subduedness going from the client to the therapist
As a parent I wasn’t the best. I caused my daughter undue stress because of my over bearing behaviour. I did go into therapy and while this helped, sadly the damage was done to my child. I wasn’t going to put her in therapy because it was me that was the problem. She ultimately left home at 18. I was devastated! She’s now 25 and I see her and speak with her regularly and our relationship has much changed because I did. I can see her nervousness though and it breaks my heart, however I don’t bring it up, I’m just relieved that we have a relationship.
In high school someone I know was seeing a therapist. I was jealous. I really wished I had one but I wouldn't consider bringing it up w my parents. That was a no-no.
Hey, I absolutely love how original & practical this is!! I especially used to relate a lot with the feeling of “there’s something wrong with you” when I was younger, so I can see how this vid has a good mix of practical, emotional, moral and rational arguments. Thank you for sharing your unique and creative thoughts!
100% true. Confirmed to be like this when using RUŠ method, The Journey or Ho'oponopono therapy. Kids are just mirrors to the parents. When a parent calls me with a problem "with kids" I work with parents not the kids. Great video BTW!
That's fantastic! Maybe you could reflect on which parts of therapy helped you the most as a child, and then share that with people who are struggling with therapy. We need the insight of people like you, with success stories, to help the rest of us succeed. 😊
I agree with you 1000.1%. How do you feel about therapy for children that have been through major trauma? As a Guardian Ad Litem, I had a 14 yo whose parent tried to look them or a 3 year old molested by a step parent. Some of these things are so outside the scope of normal that a loving parent find him/herself completely unequipped.
This is a really great, insightful video- thank you so much for it. My general aim in my life is to improve the lives of children and how children are being raised. I'm currently studying psychology, and was heading toward child psychology/child focused areas such as what you spoke about, but this video has really made me reconsider the effectiveness of this particular practice. Again, great video :)))
When I was 10 my mother and stepfather arranged for a therapist to meet with me during P.E. at school at the end of the day. The therapist asked me questions and listened. I don't remember her being therapeutic for me in any way until the conclusion of our meetings when she had my parents and I meet her at her office. She sat me in the middle of both of them where she proceeded to tell them that they, the parents, were the issue for the conflict in the family. My stepfather immediately said some rude things to her and left the room. I remember feeling validated and I have carried that feeling with me when I start to feel insecure about myself. That therapist was giving me a gift that I still carry with me for over 35 years.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT!!!!! I was thinking that might be a possible scenario. I'm currently in school to become a therapist.
According to Alice Miller your experience with that 'enlightened witness' constituted perhaps the most critical element (in a dysfunctional family and society) in not only retaining your relationship with the inner child but in learning to trust oneself throughout the life cycle: the validation of someone you trust when you were young. This is the key determinant in not only self- and community-actualization but verily of wellness itself.
"If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when i was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me and take it out on innocent people because now I know what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously , without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge."
-Alice Miller
Honestly not trying to throw shade on this guy but he has a really bad habit of presenting his views on something as underlying truths. For anyone thinking of becoming a therapist please take a massive, massive handful of salt with this guy. No disrespect to him, he seems smart, genuine, and well meaning. But, a lot of shitty takes on his channel.
@@lydiatheglimmermaid I don't think you understood the salient point of his story. I hope you leave children alone. You give the vibe of someone on a salvation mission.
@@ellasoes8325 wait-am I the person you meant to reply to? I can’t figure out what you’re talking about.
Yeah, I was ordered to therapy as a small child by my abusive parents. They thought it was an adequate replacement for not abusing me.
I mean fundamentally what it is is that the child has zero power and sending the child to therapy is the parents' way of blaming the child for their problems.
Very similar experience to mine. My father forced me to go to therapy, and I mean *forced* when I was a clearly depressed twelve-year-old.
I went at first reluctantly but consensually. When the therapist proved to be condescending, surprised I had a modicum of intelligence, and unable to connect with me, I refused to go further, at which point he dragged me, physically, into the car and then the therapists office in pajamas, an experience of violence that was, obviously, humiliating and disheartening and disempowering. How was I supposed to go forward with this person who was complicit in violently stripping me of my bodily autonomy? Where could trust possibly fit in, and how could a relationship without trust possibly be therapeutic?
I don't remember exactly how this was resolved, I think my mom must have persuaded him to 'allow' me to make the decision to stop going to this condescending, infantilizing person. My parents were divorced, about 4 years then. My mom had protected herself, but couldn't--wouldn't protect me from his violent temper and rigid egoism... because she had another man in the picture, another rigid, domineering person, also threatened by my independent mind, critical thinking skills. There was no room for me to exist fully and authentically at either household.
Because of this I was depressed, feeling that I didn't have a home, didn't belong anywhere, wasn't safe, ever. If she or he or anybody had asked what I needed it would have been to live with my mom and for her to hold space for me, set boundaries that protected me from her man's desire for total control and to make me small and compliant, never expressing an original opinion or independent thought.
Maybe they were clueless; maybe they were just dishonest with themselves about what I really needed.
I think my dad may have been thinking that he was doing the 'right' thing by exerting total control to 'make' me better, but I cut him no slack because his ultimate priority was protecting his own ego from self-awareness. He was not in therapy.
Edit: A few years later at around 15 I decided that I actually would like to go to therapy of my own choosing with somebody who I actually connected with and didn't treat me like a feeble-minded child, but at that point my pride wouldn't allow it as I didn't want to vindicate, implicitly, his former violence in forcing me to go; and because I knew he thought therapy was for the weak (or rather, inherently degrading- a loss of face) and inferior because of his modeling (by not going despite his major, disabling emotional issues.)
@@zekec6088 wait so in the end you didn't go?
@@yesicalicht4882 I had to think for a minute what you meant. No, I didn't go at 15/26, when I was actually reeally depressed, more than at twelve, suicidal even; when the forced experience had been so degrading, humiliating, and left me feeling helpless, and traumatized. Now, in my thirties, I have been actively seeking therapy for years, but because of this asinine state-by-state licensing situation, in the rural area I am in, I have yet to find a competent, honest therapist with integrity and awareness of social contexts and experience in my particular areas of need who is also either willing to take my insurance, or to accept out of pocket payment knowing I have to rely on community support- mutual aid for help with payments. It is really frustrating.
This!
I fully agree Daniel. I'm a nurse on an inpatient child and adolescent psychiatric unit of a large hospital. 98% of our children's problems come from their environment, their nurture.
I'll be graduating soon and have a huge interest in working as a psych nurse. Do you believe the mental health system is somewhat corrupt in terms of dx, pill pushing and insurance vs true therapeutic care/psychotherapy? If I were to ever be a PMHNP, I'd like to incorporate therapy more over psychopharmacology but it seems you'd need your own practice to do that if insurance allows it. 15-30min sessions only allows time for med management and that's what I dislike about the nursing provider role lately. Maybe it's what you make of it? How do you like being a psych nurse?
A few people over the years asked me to work with their children, but I refused for very similar reasons. To some, I said directly that the root problem is not the child. To others, I invited them to try talking to me instead of sending the child. I also had several parent-clients who consciously had a goal to become better parents to their children, which is wonderful.
-Darius
well said
Does it matter if the child is the root cause? If you believe your job is beneficial what is the harm in helping a child with whatever they have to tell you?
@@markdouglas1601 The act of forcing the child into therapy itself is the problem. Just attending therapy gives the child a complex. They automatically think they were born broken, wrong, and bad.
@@emiliavenka not necessarily. A kid can feel nervous like that going in but you just have to talk to them/normalize it for them. Just the idea of being there isn't traumatic..kids aren't fragile
@@markdouglas1601 It was for me.
I was sent to a therapist for the first time as a young teen. It all came back to me being bullied at school because I liked literature, I liked learning foreign languages and new words, I like old fashioned music. It didn't help, it just made me worse. What I needed was teachers and administrators who did not tolerate bullying. Instead they though it would be easier to change me than deal with the bullies. The therapist just pushed me to befriend people at my school when I didn't like them and had my friends outside of school. Nope, your homework is talk to them at lunch, help them with their work. It was plain BULLSHIT. Some adult therapy I've had with a social worker was pretty good, but now the insurance companies and whatnot want to stuff their noses in it.
thats shitty sorry ur "therapist" was blaming u the victim. some therapists lack real empathy and their goal is not to understand and help u but to make u fit in and be "normal". stay away from them
I had a similar experience in grammar school.
therapy has never helped me. i've been pushed to go by my mom. i quit but she wants me to go back. i really dread it.
I think that was just an awful therapist
Haha...had a similar experience here. Therapy is often complete BS especially because of the power-imbalance (and especially when patients are forced to go there or coerced)...this asymmetry is not making it that safe either...better just talk to someone. You hear this so often, that therapists always blame the vicitms and the abusers run free like nothing has ever happened and pick new victims. That is the system we are living in.
People in our western society deny that evil, illness, trauma, death and corruption exist right in front of their doorstep (and of course, every problem has a very simple solution-not), so vicitms are simply stupid and something is wrong with them and their perception..and especially our psychiatric system often violates basic human rights...tons of abuse going on in these places. Stay away from there, if you can.
And the thing is that the members of our society are f*cking themselves with that attitude big time, because a horrible fate can hit anybody. Predators of all kinds have it easy nowadays thanks to our culture that hates the victimized-and we also fail big time to see that abusers are not healthy and need help themselves (often they are former victims themselves that ,,evolved'' and are now more adpated to a sick environment). Very unhealthy, these dynamics.
How does it come, that people in bad situations are being seen as less than human nowadays?
When I was 10 I was sick to the point of almost dying but doctors could not figure out why. They did every test imaginable on me. No one thought to consider what my home life was like because I had no father to abuse me....just an "innocent" single mother (who should have been in an institute, not a house alone with 3 young children). They did diagnose me with stress, though. I know this because my mother came to me and told my ten year old self, "The doctor says this is from stress so you need to stop being stressed out" and walked away. Thanks for another great video, Daniel!
Yeah, it is that simple. Just stop being stressed out..
I reply to you becouse I was in similar situation. For the most of my teenage years I was thinking about myself as "stressed out". This was the way I described myself in my head. Now I know that my home was very stressful, and really no one cared. My parents never consider going to therapy, but were keen on putting me thru this. That caused me to internalize alot of guilt and shame. Becouse in their mind I was the problem. Take care.
Very important video Daniel!!!!
Sign in a psychiatrist's office: Stop being anxious!
Erm, sorry I am annoying you with my existence....
I'm really sorry for you that you had a mother like that :(
Natasja van Dijk
I’m sorry too. She shouldn’t reproduce
This happened to me in 1980. I would be pulled out of class by the 'special' lady and si everyone would know there was something wrong with me. I learned how to fragment, hide, and protect myself by no longer expressing myself. It was me, not the homelife. I was being abused at home and school and yet it was all my fault. At the age of five I hatched my escape plan. It was now at 44 that I realize that my plan worked. It took over 20 years to activate, but I shut down, excelled in my studies, said nothing and then escaped when I graduated university. I knew I could not trust my parents, teachers or anyone. What you say is completely true. I survived but now I am trying to dismantle the walls I built.
Ursa Minor 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼my story!
That's a very interesting story. It would make a great book.
Do you still use therapy?
What if the parents are emotionally abusive and don't think that there is anything wrong with them? What if they refuse to go to therapy themselves? What if the kid has self-esteem issues because of the parents behavior and has trouble making friends, and is bullied because of that? What if the parents are emotionally unavaliable and send the kid off to therapy because they can't be bothered to deal with that shit? Who is the kid supposed to talk to?
100% TRUTH. I’m so grateful you’re not afraid to speak the truth, as unpopular as it may be. YOU ARE A GIFT TO CHILDREN. THANK YOU for advocating on their behalf.
I was in therapy as a child and adolescent. I did me more harm than good. The real problem was a generational curse.
You are assuming that the parents will love their child enough to question themselves and change their behavior. This isn't always the case.
Exact same shit with my dad.
This is almost never the case.
You really think an abusive or neglectful parent is going to self-fix his kid? These children need help coping with their disturbed parents. If the parent had any insight, they would already seek therapy for themselves.
OMG,! I’m retired now, but when I was practicing I used to say I was going to have a t-shirt printed saying “it’s never the child’s fault”. I agree with everything you say.
"Adults are the worst thing to ever happen to children." Dr. Glaucomflecken (here on TH-cam)
Children absolutely do not belong in therapy. I remember being a child and being put into therapy and it caused most of my problems. My mother had me in therapy because she didn't want to take responsibility for her problems. I remember she had me on medication in hopes I would know me so much that she wouldn't have to deal with me. I think she did this team cuz she regretted having children.
1:30 This!! This is my family down to a T! My younger brother began having anger issues at 7 years old because of my mother's constant abuse towards us and my father's refusal to do anything about it because it would 'disrupt the peace.' My parents sent my brother to a child psychologist to fix him. I doubt that they ever told the therapist about what really went on. He was lectured to, given some stress balls, my parents were advised on all sorts of techniques to get him to behave. But obviously it didn't work.....because my mother still hit him, screamed at him and demeaned him at every turn. Similarly, when I told a school councillor about the abuse at 12 they called my parents for a mandatory meeting (against my will) and my parents still didn't do a thing to change their ways. Of course from their perspective their children just happened to be born as abnormal, lying, stupid, ungrateful bitches.
This is really important. It's good hearing this from a therapist. I was in therapy as a child and sometimes it felt like I was just a prop for my mother's therapy. I remember one session where the therapist had my mother tell me about the time she had tried to kill me when I was a toddler and I had to forgive her so she could have closure. I had forgotten about the incident so it was really traumatising to learn, at ten years old, that it had happened at all. Another time for attachment therapy when I was 12, therapist had my mom lie down on top of me while I struggled. There was a book Holding Time that promised that once the child got all their angries out there would be intimacy and eye contact on the other side. Instead, therapy was just another place I learned that my body wasn't my own. I didn't understand why I was being held down. I thought I was going to be raped. That was the only context I had for that kind of thing. I still struggle with learned helplessness. You are absolutely right that the therapist has to take the abusive parents' side because they know who is paying them.
As someone who's been in therapy for over a year with a basic understanding of human respect, that therapist should have been fired.
I am so sorry you had to go through that and I want you to know things will get better ❤
I get what your saying. I came from an abusive toxic family. Am sure after meeting the parents. You are right its the parents. BUT the child needs to understand its not the child's fault and has to learn coping skills that obviously the parents never learned. In this situation the therapist can have a huge impact on the child's response and future. Maybe even avoid (C)PTSD.
I agree the parents need help. But at least one of them recognizes and is hoping to give the kid a chance at breaking the generational trauma.
Yeah, my dad has some issues that hes never dealt with properly, and at age 50 its likely he never will. It can be almost impossible for someone to sort out all of the lies they’ve built their lives on that late in life, but a child could benefit enormously from it. Especially with kids who seem to be prone to disorders such as borderline, who many times have a genetic vulnerability that they need to learn how to control.
I dont believe children should be conditioned.
Depending on the child's age and maturity level, perhaps. But, if the environment is toxic enough, the child just needs to be relocated to someone who can function as parents. On the other hand, I`m sure there are a lot of horror stories about foster parents too. Help the parents be better parents if possible. This is a very difficult topic...
k j, exactly right. Often a therapist is literally the only adult in a child’s life who is validating their feelings. Everyone else is telling them to get over it, or that they’re wrong to even have those feelings.
I imagine that dedicating your career to telling kids its not their fault then getting fired by the parent, case in case out, must chew through people and is hella counterproductive.
I'm 17. I never liked therapy. My mom forced me into therapy because I was the "problem". I hate psychiatry. I was diagnosed as "autistic" at age 2 because my mom thought that was best for me. The "professionals" labeled me without my consent! I can't be myself without being pathologized! I want to forget about this diagnosis but I have internalized it and it's really hard to forget because it's been forced on to me for so long.
Get a second & 3rd opinion
Simply put: If a child is having problems, its a direct result of inner problems with the parents. Send the parents to therapy
at 12 or 13 i was taken to family therapy that i didn't want to be at and i described the abuse that was going on in my home life and that therapist looked me dead in the eyes and told me that everyone looks at situations differently and i could think i was being hit or having horrible things yelled at me when really it wasn't happening and someone else in the situation could see it as something completely different this really confused me and made me think that what was happening to me was ok
I'm really sad hearing this, that should've been the starting point for help
I'm so sad to hear this. This is not how therapy is supposed to be, even with an adult, let alone a child. That was an awful experience that you had.
YES! This plus problems in the school system. I was put into therapy starting in gradeschool, and it really wasn't helpful. I kept on telling them about issues at HOME and in SCHOOL yet the issue was seen as *me*. When I got older and removed myself from those situations, many of my issues went away.
Totally agree. A child’s behaviour is a reflection of what goes on at home especially his or her relationship with the parents and the parents’ relationship with each other.
This resonated with me more than it should have. When I was 10, I was forced to therapy and I refused to talk. Anyone who's been to therapy knows they have their 'tricks' to get information out of you, so I eventually broke under the pressure and told things I didn't want to/trust her with. At age 12 I became depressed and went to a different therapist (of my own free will this time) and she was really nice. However, we often talked as adults and never got to the heart of the problem. One day she asked me to bring my dad with me (I had a lot of trouble with my parents). I asked him to come but he just said: "no, because I don't have a problem." This led me to believe I was the problem.
As someone who was forced to go to therapy as a child then again as a teenager, I completely agree with every word of this.
What you say is eye opening. My mother had postpartum depression and that affected me very much and on top of that she has OCD. So I had a very stressful childhood. My mother put me into therapy when she was actually the problem. I though I was the problem. Making me even more depressed. However, now I know more and I'm trying to fix the way she made me think.
Ive always found, from just observation of being in offices and hospitals for my own issues, that its almost ALWAYS the parents that need the therapy when the child is the one being brought for said services.. that being said, i still think the child needs someone to talk to about those issues and how it effects them... even children need an outlet.. and when they have shitty parents, thats hard to accomplish in their home setting...
also, i dunno if you should be looking for 'free will' to talk to someone in a child.. most children ive seen in these settings are very reluctant to open up about family problems because its embarrassing to them and they can have a sense of shame about it.
I remember when I was child, my mom brought me to a therapist because I was angry and anxious child! The moment I saw the sign of therapist's office, with the list of problems he could support, I refused to enter the office. I said "I'm not psychopath". But of course, that made me feel like I'm a psychopath. I wish that therapist was responsible enough like you, to reject the appointment in the first place or ask my parents to go to therapist.
Very little side note: I was raised in a family that serious fights between parents was a routine. There was absolutely no love between parents and my mom put blame on us to stay in marriage and not divorce "because she had to take care of us"!
they never want to acknowledge the real problem for a few reasons. its easier to just blame the defenseless child, if u start to look at the parent they will fight back and u as the therapist may be out of a job. then of course its all about the money, they want to put "unruly, troubled" children on pills, and then many therapists are also parents and they dont like to criticize any parent. they identify w/ them too much and also dont want to look at how they as a parent may be unfit
As someone who spent my life from age 6 to 24 regularly visiting a family psychiatrist, I can say that you're absolutely right about this. I always had this feeling like I wasn't the person who needed to be sitting on the couch. It's the woman who drove me here. There was such a cruel irony in that. Whenever I tried to express to the psychiatrist that my family is the problem, she would suggest with failed subtlety that I'm the problem and that I'm simply trying to direct blame away from myself. By the time I was an adult I noticed these suggestions became more frequent and overt. They became direct accusations.
Of all the people in the world who should share an understanding of my situation deep enough to offer some useful advice, I thought the psychiatrist I had been meeting with every month since I was a small child would be that one person. Her complete lack of understanding of the role of my family situation in my problems, and lack of a long term psychiatric plan... both amounted to a brutal realization for me. That was the moment I realized I was truly alone in my problems with my family, and this expert I had been meeting with all my life was as clueless and careless as I had begun to fear.
When I expressed interest in getting off my medicine around the age of 18, I was excluded from the discussion as my psychiatrist and parents talked about it in private without me. I was refused without anything more than a vague explanation that I need to stay the medicines longer. I wanted to know more about the long term effects of the medicines on the brain, hear about the research on it and about cases of other people who have taken it. My concerns were dismissed, and that always made me suspicious that no long term research really exists. Like I'm the first human guinea pig they're using to test some new medicines. And that concern was further supported by the insistence that I had to keep taking it until a certain age without any articulate reason as to why. Eventually I got off the medicines around age 24 and have been fine for the 6 years since.
As you mentioned in another video, this happened too. I can trace my entire diagnosis back to a single comment I said to the psychiatrist. And I always felt like my comment was misunderstood. The psychiatrist did not ask the right questions to gain a better understanding of what I meant. She decided that she knew what the problem was, felt no further need to ask questions, and that was that. The sequence of medicines I've taken throughout my life changed the structures of my brain, subdued my personality (I was very different as a child. Much higher in extraversion.) and changed me in ways that leave me wonder if I was really helped or harmed.
I learned that I can not trust any "expert" to be able to responsibly psycho-analyze me and come up with the best way to deal with me, especially not based on the things I say. Every psychometric test I have taken as an adult tells me that I'm exceptionally high in emotional intelligence, openness, honesty traits, and exceptionally low in anxiety. Due simply to my personality, people are frequently surprised by the things I'm willing to admit to thinking. People low in emotional intelligence and openness traits often have difficulty understanding me and write me off as a little crazy. It is a running joke among my friends and I. I suspect that kind of misunderstanding is at least in part what happened in the therapist's office all those years ago.
When anybody tells me that I am safe to speak my mind, I know that it is cause to tread more carefully rather than less. Don't trust anybody with your unfiltered mind. Not your therapist and not even your partner. Just hone the self discipline to filter it. What 6 year old me would have appreciated was if somebody had tried to help me gain mastery over my mind and emotions through therapeutic means (novel idea) before jumping to medicinal brain restructuring. And if somebody had taken a look at the fucked up parents before they start tampering with the kid. (My parents I have learned through my own research are Narcissist and BPD. It's a relief to finally be able to put names to the insidious shit that happened to me. Apparently that is common among people who lived with BPD people.)
No Joke: I thought I would live my whole life and not hear this take from as many as five people. So far, I think you make it four, so I'm still not there yet, but its certainly exciting for me as a clinician with the same views/conclusions on the matter (I won't work with kids, only parents, which usually leads to an F U! as they storm out of my office when I offer the same take). Also, I'm pretty sure I'm stealing/paraphrasing one of your lines in the future: "If you believe in therapy enough to send your kids, why don't you give it a try first." Thanks for the excellent content!
Warm hello from Number 4 !!!
My mother left me with a non english speaking nanny everyday at 6 mnths old and put me in school a year early in order to become a marriage and family therapist! My father never wanted her to do that and never respected her profession. They were and still are a fundamentally unhealthy couple. Instead of fixing their ugly relationship and personal problems she sent me to therapy and psychiatry throughout my teens. It was useless, stigmatized me, solved nothing whatsoever at home, led to a lifetime of mental health problems. I’m still barely functional. But I have finally understood how selfish and unintelligent my parents were and to a degree still are.
Thanks for this vid.
This was the early 70's and a boy in my class had to go to a psychiatrist. He had to go during the day and had to leave school so everyone knew. He was a sweet kid and I felt bad for him.
OMG Daniel, 12 minutes felt like 2 minutes. Very interesting. Your truth is a diamond. So rare and brave. Also.. tough profesion. Thank you
ive been in an out of therapy since i was 5 when my mom decided i had to see one when my parents split. at 5 i was like "okay whatever mom and dad are gonna live apart now" but my mom was the one who made me feel like it was something i was supposed to feel guilty about. my mom would routinely send me to therapists throughout my childhood for my "issues" instead of ever being a person i could talk to or look up to. i have sat through so many family sessions where my mom would go on and on to the therapist about how we were the worst children ever who were out to ruin her life when we didn't wash our dishes or take out the trash, and she usually ended up in tears. after every session, i always felt like i was being led told what to feel and what i was experiencing. i kept feeling like a burden and a problem child who didn't even know what they were feeling, who was disrespectful and ungrateful, who had to make sure i didn't 'hurt' my mother, to do what i was told. i spent my childhood raising my my mother, being her therapist, giving her life and dating advice before i hit double digits, and i even got her out of a physically, emotionally, and financially abusive relationship (he was my father figure for 9 years and we lived together) in 8th grade with a pamphlet i got in health class.
i was struggling really bad when i went to college from the years and years of neglected emotional health, and eventually dropped out halfway through my sophomore year. the summer after my freshman year i opened up for the first time to my mom, and she told me she wanted me to go see a therapist because i was "broken", and a therapist could "fix" me. i told my mom and therapist i was open to it as long as i didn't have to go on any medications. so i went after the second session, the therapist told me to see my doctor so they could prescribe me antidepressants. i went on what my doctor prescribed me after i filled out a little 50 question long questionnaire and was diagnosed with "severe depression and anxiety." after a week the dose was boosted, and then again a couple weeks later. i eventually weaned myself off it after about two months because it was quite literally killing me.
now, my mom's back in another unhealthy relationship except this time she seems to have picked him over her own children. when she visited me when i was away, she tried to get me to say how terrible my little sister was like she usually does when we're apart. i refused and when she started telling me what an evil selfish b*tch i was, i got out of the car when we were in a parking lot before she could do her favorite thing: screaming at me at the top of her lungs while driving. years ago, i would have cowered in fear and listened to her and internalized what she said, agreed when she told me i was disgusting or evil or broken. it took me my whole childhood to realize that *i* wasn't the problem, that that's not the way adults handle their problems, and that's not how parents react when their children upset them. it amazes me that after all those years in therapy and counseling, none of them ever listened to a thing i said.
it's taken a lot of time to come to his conclusion, but hopefully other people can empathize with parts of my story. i spent years and years feeling completely alone and isolated, so as terrible as it seems i kind of feel relief knowing that other people may be able to relate to my experiences.
therapy is really a dangerous thing, it often serves to mask the real problems of the people that are in absolute dispair.
mati jost Can totally relate to your story! 💯 Thanks for sharing! 🙏🏾💜
I resonate with this story a lot!!
yep this was close to my experience
This is so true ...I never thought about why children are in therapy but the parents are not
Nine x out of ten it's the parents who are nuts. The child in therapy is the pawn used to excuse the abusive parental behavior.
I experienced everything you’re describing... which was why I constantly gutted heads with counselors and refused to comply with treatment... so I dealt with lots of police... lots of inpatient. I had a couple counselors who were pretty good... and they were usually men... who really didn’t discuss my sessions with my mother... or at least talked with me first about what he was telling her. He didn’t make me wrong for drinking as a teenager... he didn’t encourage it either... but my scenario was pretty screwed up... rather than coming down on me for getting high and drinking and not taking psych meds... he encouraged me in the things I was doing that were positive like working, going to trade school and working out... it was a rare situation though
Thank you for being so outspoken for the powerless, and doing so in a magical oasis of plants that have been clearly loved very much.
I was in some sort of school sanctioned therapy from 4th grade till my senior year of high school. I had behavioral issues that the school just couldn’t understand and refused to do so. Turns out I am an autistic female, who also happened to be traumatized by the frequent arguments between my parents. My father was and still is domineering and oppressive, and I’ve just come to the conclusion that he is a narcissist, as well as plainly stupider than everyone else in our family. He hates when someone else is more knowledgeable about things than him because he doesn’t have the upper hand in deciding what we think about it. I have been unpacking a lot of things that I have grown up believing and expressing myself more to my mom, who is more free to speak her mind on my dad’s behavior now that she doesn’t have to protect us kids. I don’t feel like I need to mask and hide my feelings and interests because I also don’t have to protect her from dealing with more stress anymore
I agree with you. The parents need healing, and then the kids will be happy and ok. Im a teacher, i fully agree with that.
Just discovered yr page. I love your spirit. I believe even though you have stopped "practicing" .. you are reaching and helping far more people now through your videos 🤘🏻
alen Parra sooo true! people like him clash with mainstream.. thank goodness he's finding other ways to share very important info/knowledge.
The best thing a child therapist helped me with was play UNO, it was the version where you have to draw until you get a card you can play 🤦
Therapist told my mother that I would make a good trial lawyer. I was about 10 years old. My mothers reaction was to send me to a new shrink!
My parents got mad at me for not making progress in therapy. It was like I was failing school. And the pestering for information regarding progress in which they felt entitled to. I thought they were paying out of pocket with how frustrated they would get. Apparently it was insured the whole time.
This is the only channel on mental health that makes sense.
My first therapist at age 12, was one of the WORST. She really had negative impact on me. low and behold seven years later, SHE showed up as my intro to psychology teacher's substitute (he left on a medical leave) and I had been doing well in his class. When she arrived I began failing. She told me I wasn't cut out or capable. I dropped the class. the irony...
That's very, very sad. Hope you find something else to do...
I’m glad you’ve decided to make these informative videos after retiring from being a therapist. You are deeply insightful and are still helping people so much. Thank you
I'm currently in an MFT program and the overall viewpoint is just that: the child is often the identified patient and most of the time it's the parents causing the problem! My (probably idealistic) thinking is that if I can shift the system while the child is still young, that may then curtail a lot of trauma that would otherwise be more difficult to treat as an adult client after years and years of trauma and dysfunction. Easier said than done, I'm sure!
You’re actually on the right track! By the way I am an LCSW.
It may not be easy, but it is possible.
Interesting how they can't side with the child over the parent...
Cause they did that shit with me even as an adult
I can’t believe how right, to the point and fair you are
Daniel, I am a psychotherapist (student clinician) working with children and youth and everything you've said in this video rings so true. Thank you for putting this out there.
I would love for you to talk about how to help children who experience trauma or abuse or what kinds of therapy is good for children. For example play therapy. Am I correct in thinking in this video you are only speaking of psychotherapy? I'm not sure what the difference is. Would love to also hear your thoughts about adverse childhood experiences
Dear, Mr Mackler,
I agree with you that it WOULD be best in most cases, if the parents and not the children went to therapy and that there is a high danger of the therapist getting too much power over the child. But as you described and I am with you there, parents often don't want to go to therapy and see how screwed up they are. So what do you then suggest for all those poor children? Wait until they are grown up and totaly screwed up themselves, have learned lots of unhealthy coping skills and have burried so much of their real self and their traumatizing memories? I can't say I disagree or agree with my own question, but I was wondering what your arguements on that were, if my question is worth an answer.
i think your question is good and fair and i wish i had a good reply. off the top of my head my best answer is...maybe good group activities for kids, places that make it easy for them to come in contact with good potential friends, maybe good mentoring programs with volunteer (or perhaps even paid) adults. maybe safe places, recreation centers, for them to discuss what they're going through and engage in healthy activities....
Daniel Mackler Thank you for answering! I think you might be right, but how is "a save placd where they can talk about what they are going through" different to therapy? Maybe the bondage between the children and adults is looser, but that also means that the children potentially don't really grow to trust the people there or get the emotional support they need, because if they have really messed up parents, chances are the children will have trust issues very early on. And also the thing with places where they can find potentially good friends is, children especially start picking on on children that do have severe problems already and so it is a potential new source of trauma especially talking about places, where lots of children come together and even more so children that all have mental health issues, so it would have to be monitored very very carefully. But I don't have the great answers myself.
I totally agree that there are very few skilled, committed, and talented child therapists out there.
When I work with kids, I try to get on their level and play a lot of games with them and listen to them. I do a lot of research from books of previous therapists and I try to take what I have learned and apply it but it is still SO DIFFICULT. I am really conscious of how children have complete trust of adults. It is so scary but at the same time it holds me accountable. Since the system is corrupt, it is very difficult to advocate for the children’s rights since nobody believes children and the judicial system is a complete joke.
Damn, this was a good video. Now that I think about it, this is probably a reason (perhaps even the main reason) why therapy didn't work for me. While I don't think that parents should be blamed for EVERYTHING bad their kids do, I also don't usually think it's rational to completely absolve parents from blame when the very children they decided to bring onto this world are experiencing psychological issues and legally depend on them.
I was placed in therapy when I was 11 and while I do have issues of my own, it still doesn't make sense why I was the only one getting labeled and being made to see therapists and psychiatrists when my parents were clearly fucked up and needed services themselves. My dad's a narcissist and my mom has a lot of unresolved traumas.
I feel like when fingers are only being pointed at the kids, "treatment" becomes very one-sided because it's practically sacrilege to speculate the parents as being the issue and kids can feel helpless because legally, they don't have much of a say in what goes on in their treatment plan, which leaves clinicians with too much authority over them.
I think I needed a therapist during childhood, because my mom was dying from cancer. I needed emotional support that my parents could not give me.
That's quite a different situation from the one being described in the video. He's talking about children who are forced into therapy because they are having "behavior problems", which is incredibly common. In reality the problem is actually the parents and the child is reacting naturally to a situation in which they are completely powerless. The only power they have is to scream, cry, and act out. They cannot simply get in their car and leave, they're *children.*
They are forced to put up with abuse and then forced into therapy when they have natural human reactions to being powerless and abused. The therapist is supposed to "fix" the child, aka destroy that natural reaction to trauma so the parent can abuse them at will and the child will passively obey and accept it.
@@emiliavenka Uh huh. I got that point of the video. But there's still the message that children don't need a therapist in there.
When my oldest daughter was around 12 years old she got depressed and I took her to a child psychiatrist and that helped a lot. For her to talk to someone outside of it all and for me to better understand her behaviour and how to cope with it. It was a very good experience for the both of us. So I don't necessarily agree with you, but it is for certain that the parent has to be open to learn too. It's not a case of bringing the child in and come back when it's fixed :')
@@sahahasha2843
That is a very unfair presumption and I take personal offence to that since I am depressed and it started when I was about 12 and it has absolutely nothing to do with my parents.
No one is perfect and for a parent to reach out for professional help when they don't know what to do isn't cruel, vindictive or selfish, it is called caring.
She better learn't her daughter's life and her daughters cognitive reasoning.
I couldn't agree more 👍🏼
To be fair, he was talking about this generally/in most cases. Your case was different and fruitful, but it is not part of the majority of cases.
My son had depression at the age of eight after the death of his grandpa and from issues in the home. I was in therapy but my ex-husband refused to get help. His dad also refused to agree to get my son help, and my son tried to commit suicide twice within a short period of time. Thank goodness he wasn't successful. I think it's situational and each child is on a case by case basis. His father refused to get counseling for himself, so the rest of the family suffered. It's a tough issue, but every child and every case is different. If I could go back in time, I would get my son the help he needed when he needed it. Our family needed help, we all needed help, but when only certain members are on board, the kids need more than a mom at times, they need a professional. Just an opinion from a mom still in recovery. My son's issues were from us, but I knew he needed more than my help. I should have listened to my intuition and gotten him help from a professional. It would have helped him communicate the pain he felt in his heart and helped me know how to help him. He clammed up and went from a very verbal child to closed off. I regret listening to my ex to this day. My son still struggles to express his emotions and struggles with depression. Good video, Daniel, you make a lot of good points, but not all parents are totally clueless about their own issues. My child was never the problem ane we all knew it. Not all parents are brain dead to their kid's issues and the issues caused by the marriage relationship. We all need to heal and grow, but what if your husband refuses to heal?
kids don-t need professionals, they need a respecfull and nurturing environment, if they don t have it, they are going to get in troubles sooner than later
I’m a clinical psychologist who works with children and adolescents. I agree with a lot of what Daniel says.
Yeah I was sent to a counselor in my late teens to talk about some issues I had. When I started talking about them, my father didn’t like it and stopped paying for me to go. Children are brutalized by parents
I get what you're saying. True though because when I was sent to therapy as a child I refused to talk. I'm glad I did that. That was me saying no I will not go there with you.
@chubbynugget Same, except a few I had would just sit there in silence with me. They didn't ask any questions or try to get me to talk-they were happy to have an hour long break and still get paid.
I saw a psychiatrist when I was an adult once. He was very arrogant. he enjoyed embarrassing me. He really enjoyed having power. I saw him in a psychiatric hospital.
You're a good therapist and human being. I just recently Came across your videos. So far they've all made a lot of sense to me. I was born 1968. I seen the movie, Mommie Dearest a few years ago and was amazed how similar Joan Crawford was to my mother's demeanor. That was a few years ago. Also, virtual every relative I had was neglefull and abusive to me.
Also I m a first gulf war vet. Desert Storm. Broke my back in1999. Been in much pain for a long time.. Only child. I could go on and on. But I think just like your talking. Ive been studying a lot of these same things your talking about. And your spot on how I feel about a lot of these issues. Thanks
Therapy was useful to me as a teen, it was good to hear my family looked very normal and middle class but they were the problem.
Great video Daniel!!!!!!!My mother and father forced me to go to psychoanalysis five days a week for 5 years from age 5 to 10. To say I was stigmatized is an understatement. I had feelings of anxiety, depression and guilt as I was told to keep my sessions a secret from friends and relatives.as well. I had false memories of sexual abuse planted into my head by my Freudian Psychologist that I accepted as fact only because, well, as kids we're told to believe authority figures. I had no memory of this abuse and I found it weird that these events supposedly happened. As a result of my therapy I had a nervous tick for years that didn't go away until I was well into adulthood. In addition to this, I was socially awkward throughout my adolescence. I still haven't fully forgiven my parents for what they did to me.
I always sat in with my son in therapy-for years. My husband too. I always wanted to be there for him. His severe OCD was the result of things outside the family. Bullying at school. He never told us that. We had a wonderful relationship with him and were very supportive. He still got bullied. His OCD became so extreme he was bedridden/nonfunctional. So what to do then? Still no therapy for him? Not all parents are overbearing ogres.
Just because you happened to be a rare and special exception doesn't mean the information in the video isn't true. People have much different lives than you, they have different struggles. You aren't the target audience for this video but you took offensive to it anyway-why? If you are confident you did the right thing for your child why would you feel targeted by this video? It sounds like perhaps you actually have some guilt about putting your child in therapy that you haven't addressed at all.
@@emiliavenka Not saying the info isn't true. Just saying not everyone has mental issues due to childhood trauma. If you watch most of his videos, that is what always is implied. I happen to disagree with it.
You are a breath of fresh air.
I went to therapy when I was 17/18 when I still lived with my parents, and by the end I visited psychiatrist with my mom, and she told her to contact an organisation dealing with alcoholism (my father). My mother was to set an ultimatum to my father to sent him to therapy or kick him out. Instead after some time she asked that the rest of us get therapy for codependancy, while my father went on doing as always. I didn't go, that was a betrayal as far as I can tell, and I didn't feel I was helped by the previous therapy, so why should this help. My older brother ended up going there after some time, for few years, but didn't appreciate it very much in the end.
My parents wanted therapy for me so i could feel better and happier and live healthy.
Because for them it was important i get to be happy and in a good place, they ended up listening to all that came from me, even hurtful, while continue to love me, and never make it about them. And this is the only reaction when your parents truly love you.no matter how tough and harsh you get, they never stop being on your side.
why some parents turn against their kids, or put their own interests first, could be they are not as unconditional as parents.
Parents who love unconditionally, even though hurt, cannot stop loving and supporting and wanting to be around their kids only for one reason they love them and want their best and want to care.
And unconditional love is optional, not a given for all parents. Just like all people in a relationship don't feel unconditional love for each other. When you are a, a husband and wife experiencing conditional love, it might be sometimes possible, for you to not feel that unconditional with your kids. Though not necessarily that's always the case.
My mom could not tolerate the 'hurtful' criticism of therapy, so she 'gave up.'
My dad never went although he was traumatized by family.
So *they decided to blame my birth family's genetics* and left it at that. Abandoned me personally. *Shifted the entire responsibility* onto me, namely for the *negative effects of all adults who had ever impacted my life.*
Not supportive and caring, except in their own provisional and situational way. Distant. Judgmental.
Excellent remarks about collusion, with parents. And yet more excellent remarks about the potential power dynamic between a therapist and a child client.
This is so spot on. My mom did this to me as a kid acting like the victim and acting like I was the bad1 it was funny when she actually sat down in therapy and started questioning her b.s she got super defensive. My mom was very irresponsible and my step dad was abusive
Really great points. Thank you for shedding light on these important challenges.
Absolutely. As the major part of the primary support system of children, parents have much to do with the creation of the schemata that will follow the child throughout their lifetime. I totally relate on a personal level both as a former clinician and a child that grew up in a troubled family system. Your speaking great truth and it is truth that sets people free:-).
Oh, I must add that part of being helpful to people it is VITAL that therapists continuously be aware of what is going on in them in regards to their interpersonal interactions with their clients. I must agree, Daniel, that because therapists hold a great deal of power, children can be exceedingly vulnerable in the professional relationship and if the therapist is not self aware they (the therapist) can cause more harm.
Yuuuuppp. That was my parent. I was "autistic" and "ADHD" even though I was being abused and dissociating in class as a result and avoidant
Same. Didn't get diagnosed until I was dropping out of college for the 3rd time. Growing up my family called me selfish and lazy. They emphasised that I was simply a bad child-that I was "born difficult and evil". They never took responsibility for their screaming fits, violently throwing objects, locking me in my room all day, constant neglect, and complete emotional unavailability.
Now with an actual diagnosis I understand why I did what I did-and that THEY were actually the problem, not me. They chose to abuse a developmentally disabled child for being developmentally disabled. I can't fix that for them, they have to deal with their own problems. My "good behavior" cannot fix a parents personality disorder, so attempting to always punish and correct myself was useless.
Plus a therapist can't undo the permanent damage done to a child, especially if the child is still at home. You can't begin healing if the damage is still being done. A burn can't heal until you take your hand out of the fire-a child cannot heal while still being abused.
In spite of agreeing with much of this perspective, maybe there is still something that can be done just for children. Being a witness for them, creating a space for children to explore their experience and express themselves ... and only that - with no assurance to parents or anyone else that anything more is being offered and with no outcomes being promised. Children do deserve excellent or at least good enough parents, but they don't always get ideal parents and some parents are definitely not able to meet the minimum demands made of them. Helping the parents help the children might not be an option...
When I was a kid I was bullied in school. I wish I had a therapist back then to talk to.
I tried to take my kids to a therapist, 2 different ones, they sucked. They were both on a power trip. My kids went only a few times and I realized this and we didn’t return.
Unbelievable he just nails it. I'm laughing in my car as Daniel completely explains my life.
One of the largest regrets I have is bringing my children to Child Psychologist, I am a Social Worker who became ill in the 80s and went to therapy to cope with the many changes,I was advised by many Therapists I looked to as Mentors and Colleagues my kids would come through all of the changes better with therapy- I had been in Therapy alone for 7 years.. before I brought my children to my Therapists Partner.. it was said to be the best as a Family Systems Approach to give them their own space to express., keep up the truth-telling .
wow this is so true
Thank you for your sincerity and insights! I feel you are a good man. :)
You are so helpful to so many! I wish I could have accessed your ideas and information a couple of decades ago.
therapists are always into the power trip therefore therapy is counter productive for the client because they are in essence there to big up the therapist ego, usually by being patronized on a subtle level and being gaslighted into believing they are there for their good, when the entire opposite is true, but because the client feels they need help somehow, they end up accepting and justifying a lot of these subtle things that doesnt make them feel good because of feeling dependant. All these subtle details and the feeling of dependancy is a lot of energy and subduedness going from the client to the therapist
As a parent I wasn’t the best. I caused my daughter undue stress because of my over bearing behaviour. I did go into therapy and while this helped, sadly the damage was done to my child. I wasn’t going to put her in therapy because it was me that was the problem.
She ultimately left home at 18. I was devastated! She’s now 25 and I see her and speak with her regularly and our relationship has much changed because I did. I can see her nervousness though and it breaks my heart, however I don’t bring it up, I’m just relieved that we have a relationship.
In high school someone I know was seeing a therapist. I was jealous. I really wished I had one but I wouldn't consider bringing it up w my parents. That was a no-no.
Hey, I absolutely love how original & practical this is!! I especially used to relate a lot with the feeling of “there’s something wrong with you” when I was younger, so I can see how this vid has a good mix of practical, emotional, moral and rational arguments. Thank you for sharing your unique and creative thoughts!
100% true. Confirmed to be like this when using RUŠ method, The Journey or Ho'oponopono therapy. Kids are just mirrors to the parents. When a parent calls me with a problem "with kids" I work with parents not the kids.
Great video BTW!
I think that he is so much to the point in this video that it on a almost genius level
Well said! Love your work Daniel.
i've gone to therapy ever since i was 6 so for about 13 years now and it has helped me so much and is the reason i can be a normal adult now
That's fantastic! Maybe you could reflect on which parts of therapy helped you the most as a child, and then share that with people who are struggling with therapy. We need the insight of people like you, with success stories, to help the rest of us succeed. 😊
Thank you for saying this!
I agree with you 1000.1%. How do you feel about therapy for children that have been through major trauma? As a Guardian Ad Litem, I had a 14 yo whose parent tried to look them or a 3 year old molested by a step parent. Some of these things are so outside the scope of normal that a loving parent find him/herself completely unequipped.
Thank you for posting!
I LOVE THIS Daniel. Truly. Thank you.
I really love your videos. Thanks!
This is a really great, insightful video- thank you so much for it. My general aim in my life is to improve the lives of children and how children are being raised. I'm currently studying psychology, and was heading toward child psychology/child focused areas such as what you spoke about, but this video has really made me reconsider the effectiveness of this particular practice.
Again, great video :)))
Thank you doctor, you are a genuinely helpful man.
Beautiful video