ไม่สามารถเล่นวิดีโอนี้
ขออภัยในความไม่สะดวก
Are You Ready to Have Children? -- Challenging Questionnaire For Prospective Parents
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ส.ค. 2024
- wildtruth I've been asked several times over the years to make a video on this subject, so here is my best shot at the subject.
1) The Nature of Your Relationship or Partnership
-Do you love and respect your partner?
-Does your partner love and respect you?
-To what degree is your partner your best friend?
-How do you and your partner resolve conflict?
-Do you think your partner would be a good parent?
-Do you like your partner’s friends?
-Are you having affairs or do you want to?
2) Your Emotional Health
-How well do you know yourself?
-Are you needy or lonely?
-Do you sleep well?
-Do you have unresolved traumas?
-How well are you in touch with the emotional realities of your childhood?
3) Your Physical Health
-How old are you?
-How do you project your health to be in twenty years?
-Are you in good shape?
-How are your genes?
4) Your Rapport With Children
-To what degree have you spent time around children?
-Do you know what working with children entails?
-Do you like spending a lot of time with children?
-Do children like you?
5) Your Finances
-How will you be able afford the major cost?
-Are you in debt?
-What is your work history and work type?
6) Your Community or Environment
-Will your child have access to nature?
-Do you live in a safe place?
-Will your child have a lot of freedom?
-Will your child have access to lots of healthy age-mates?
-Will you be able to stay in the same location for a long time?
-What kinds of emotional support will you have?
It's ironic that the people who are most prepared to have children are the ones who have decided not to have them
I wish this were taught in high school, as part of a course on emotional intelligence.
I have trouble imagining such a high school, but I like the idea!
I’ve never felt happier for not having any
True
Ran this checklist for my own parents: NOT VIABLE - ABORT MISSION! 😂😂😂
The problem with people using such a questionnaire is that it's self-assessment, and many people are not very good at estimating themselves or even others. Most people tend to have a very skewed perception of themselves and the world. But for those who are more honest and perceptive, it's a good way to evaluate how prepared they are to have children.
I agree. This is very much for people who want to be responsible parents which most people who become parents aren't unfortunately.
Self-Archeology Espically with vague amount driven questions like do you enough of something
Only the responsible would sit through this so I don't see the problem
Agreed. I have an aunt who is incredibly self-centred and selfish. Like the type of person who would never, ever dare to do a kind thing for another unless it also clearly benefitted herself, too. And every few weeks she posts the results she received in online surveys that claim that she is “self-sacrificing,” “empathetic” or [insert another positive characteristic I have never once seen her demonstrate, and whose opposite awful characteristic she embodies more than another other person I’ve ever known]. It makes me think, how the f*ck is she answering these surveys, because it certainly isn’t in a truthful or accurate way. It’s truly amazing to me how little self-awareness some of the most terrible people in the world have. They are constantly stepping on others and screwing people over, while still thinking they are humanitarians and God’s greatest gift to humankind. This questionnaire will only be helpful to people who have a deep level of self-awareness, which, I agree, excludes most of the population.
This is absolutely true. I can make a whole story up in my head about people but it doesn’t mean it’s true. Lol
Most people have kids because they think that’s what they’re supposed to do. People that can’t think outside of the box.
Yes, the cultural supposed too!? There's a lot of 'em. Really difficult to resist, but if the heart say NO! Listen!
Wrong. Most people have kids because they like sex. Most people are accidents. "Oops, I'm pregnant". It's that animalistic and basic.
In a nutshell: be aware of your past traumas and don’t allow them to shape the future for your children, healthy relationship with your partner is key, be ready to financially support your child so you have the necessary means to provide for them. Be conscious, don’t be a parent on auto pilot, like mostly everyone else is doing. It’s a life for Christ sakes, be intentional about what you are creating and shaping for what the world needs from this generation
Marisa Viteritti psychedelic assisted therapy via Rick Doblins Ted talk
Don’t ever underestimate being financially stable. As a teen in a house with a loving mom no one can ever be perfect and the amount of stress money has and not being able to go hang out with friends or ur little brother can’t bring a gift to a birthday party all these small things that don’t seem like a big deal stress everyone out and can make everyone miserable bc all u have to do is work and there’s no release. No matter how kind and lovely people are there’s only so much stress you can undergo before a well built ship can sink.
I had a brother and sister born when I was 8 years old- my childhood was lost then. I had to be a mother for them at a very early age. That is a reason why I have not decided to have children myself. I feel like I already had children.
I feel i had 4 children while growing up, those being all other members of birth family 🤣
When my son was 8 I had boy/girl twins and I couldn't give him as much of my attention I felt so guilty. My 8 year son wanted to help and almost be a third parent. I wanted to let him know he was a child and not a parent but I do appreciate the help he was trying to give he
@@gracemeador8535 yes, but my mother never cared about me
@@asiapersonalable same
@@gracemeador8535 that's alright
Are you ready to have children?
1. Do you love and respect your partner?
2. Does your partner love and respect you?
3. To what degree is your partner your best friend?
4. How do you and your partner resolve conflict?
5. Do you think your partner would be a good parent?
6. Do you like your partners friend’s?
7. Are you having affairs or do you want to?
8. How well do you know yourself? (When you know yourself you do fewer mistakes)
9. Are you needy or lonely?
10. Do you sleep well?
11. Do you have unresolved traumas?
12. How well are you in touch with the emotional realities of your childhood?
13. How old are you?
14. How do you project your health to be in 20 years?
15. Are you in good physical shape and have a lot of energy?
16. How are your genes?
17. How much time have you spent around children?
18. Do you know what working with children entails?
19. Do children like you?
20. How will you be able to afford this major cost?
21. Are you in debt?
22. What is your work history and what type of job do you do?
23. Will your child have access to nature?
24. Do you live in a safe place?
25. Will your child have a lot of freedom?
26. Will your child have access to lots of healthy play dates?
27. Will you be able to stay in the same location in a long time?
28. What kinds of emotional support will you have?
You’re a very intelligent person. I wish everyone had this kind of self-awareness before bringing innocent babies to the world👏
I answered the questions in my parents perspective. And they definitely shouldn't have had kids. This just enforces my theory that my parents messed me up.
@@mikasaka149 sounds like you are not relating; it's not like baking from trader joe's recepe
@@mikasaka149 I dont mean to be rude, but your comment sounds like projecting trauma. Xiko Caligo seems to have been just trying to relate :/
@R B It's natural to err but one should at least be humble going through the journey of parenthood or anything as challenging. Especially given these facts: Not everyone gets hurt equally and not everyone screws up equally as well. Live's unforgiving, son.
R B
Cruel patents and selfish parents aren't human. They are reptile subhuman freaks, incapable of bonding, full of excuses for their terrible behavior.
@Feel Good Generation X If an airplane pilot did the best they could but still ended up crashing the plane and killing hundreds of people would you be okay with that? I mean they did the best they could.
Knew at 12 I didn't want them. Now, at 46, very happy I never had children
Indeed. I made the right decision!
I am 51 years old, living in Germany. Thank you for this questionnaire. I fully aggree with every bit of it. You really hit the bull's eye.
@Angelina There are more humans alive right now than ever existed since the beginning of time. Think about that. If anything, humans are too good at breeding, but not so good at taking care of all the people.
All these important points just crushed my hope for having children
Thank you very much. I'm from an Asian family who always told me to have a child already. From your list, I passed like only 20%. I know I'm not supposed to have kids yet. The elders really pissed off when I said I might not have any children at all. But I don't care, their ancient beliefs cannot use in the 21st century. Things changes...
I'm Eastern European and parents do the same kind of thing here too. They put pressure on you once you turn 18 and they keep it up till your mid 20 if you're a girl or early 30 if your a guy, especially if the family they come from is a traditional kind, mostly those from the rural areas. Even I have experienced it. And they are very direct about it and often emotionally manipulating, bringing your grandparents into discussion that they want to dance at your wedding, they want to get to see their grand-grandchildren. Mine kinda gave up, though my maternal grandma is still insisting each time I call her.
I'm married to an Asian. niether of us want kids. their parents are pretty chill for Asian parennts, but even so the socially ingrained guilt is real. pressure comes from friennds with kids to, or just confusion. not fun to have your frieds not understand you
Children see parents as they really are. And I don't think most parents are ready for that.
A great questionnaire, but ultimately probably not very helpful with how many parents or prospective parents are in denial about themselves,
Not sure why I just went through the questionnaire when I'm not planning to have kids within the next decade lol
These questions highlight to me the gap between what should be and what is. The desire for a child, or the desire to procreate does not equal the readiness to BE a parent. The number 1 focus should be, what is best for the child? Can a person put their child's best interest before their own? Choosing the right partner is key. Good topic!
Well, now I know my fiance and I need to go to a tharapist before we have children. Thank you
Guys it's not meant to be something where you pass/fail. It's to make you think deeper about whether you're ready or not to have a kid, with ideas you might not have considered before. He should have explained as such instead of jumping right in.
lol I think most viewers need to read this. Its also a jumping off point for discovering areas to grow in your own life before you accept responsibility for someone else.
Amazing video, you add value to the world and are light and guidance to people who wants to do better
I feel really comforted listening to him
Will you ever be ready to play Russian roulette with someone's well being ,when there is no rational reason to impose such risk ?
Oh well their rational reason is that they want to put someone in dept to them to be cared and provided for when they are old. Selfish unconscious people
Surprisingly most parents I know fit all these basic requirements. I think it really says something about a parent if you have a kid and you give your kid an unstable environment from the get-go.
I wish all parents asked themselves these questions honestly.
The honest truth is the noone is ready to have children.🥺
Mr. Daniel Mackler - this is BY FAR THE BEST questions and explanations I have ever seen to assess if one is ready to have kids. All the points you raised are so true! Thank you for this wonderful video.
Thank you so much for compiling this.
If people took your advice, humanity would go extinct. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing though.
Sounds like a pipe dream to me.
Yes, but most people won't listen to him.
A healthy society is possible. We just have to build one. Either way the people aren't going away so we might as well try.
I’d love to hear your perspective on family vloggers whose primary income is from their family youtube videos.
This is the most valuable video I've ever watched on youtube. Appreciate your great work, Daniel. I'll spread the message to relatives and friends in China.
Thank you so much for this very inspiring video, as usual. It raises so many questions. I have 2 kids. What strikes me the most compared to my youth is how much more free I was at the same age. I am too much anxious about my kids but what's worse is that it seems to me that the society as a whole is also much more restrictive. I feel always anxious about whether I'm doing the right thing or not and I feel guilt about all the flaws and generational disorders I transmitted to them. As an individual, I grew a lot thanks to my kids. From that perspective I owe them a lot.
I am convinced that one can live a full accomplished life without having children. It's not a must have although I personally find that the intensity of the emotional relationship with my children makes it worth living. Raising kids is very challenging. It requires a lot of energy and willingness to adapt. My older son is turning 13 and all I learned till that point must be revised.
Thanks again Daniel, your videos are always very interesting.
my parents were definitely not ready, but i'm glad i had the support and resources to become my own parent later on in life. really enjoyed the video, thanks!
Thanks again for another well considered video Daniel. Would it be possible in the near future for you to make a video about child attachment disorders, and how this can affect you well into adulthood? My therapist believes I experienced "anxious-avoidant attachment" as a child and I'm keen to find out as much as I can about this as part of my healing process. Even if you could point me in the direction of some good literature on the subject, that would be fantastic! :)
People have children for selfish reasons, entitlement-l can if l want, to take care of them in old age, to bind the other in relationship manipulation, boredom. Stop saying to people CONGRATULAIONS when they say their having a baby, were programmed to say this. Thank God l never had kids, l desperately needed to grow up. No regrets. I have seen so much B.S around parenting. God bless their little souls cause were going to have to deal with these kids as adults.
Very true if your partner considering affairs, definitely a sign to leave this relationship
This is a video I will show to all my friends whenever they'll think to have kids. Have you heard of unschooling? For me that's another requirement: are you willing/able to not send them to school against their will and allow them to be self-directed learners? I know that's too extreme for most people, but after a lot of studying about unschooling, I think that's the best way to raise children.
Interesting approach. But not everyone is able to decide it. For eg in Germany even homeschooling isn't ok since school is obligatory by law. What's pretty sad I think.
I was just asking my brother the other day if he doesn't mind his daughter who's in first grade to learn so much nonsense that will take her years to unlearn. He said he does mind but homeschooling would be too hard for him and his wife. Most people just want a quick solution, not just parents. It's amazing how much energy goes into sustaining such an unhealthy culture as the one we live in.
Erick Muller I think that's the worst way to raise children. Your child will be isolated, and you too will be isolated. The step to live and work when being adult will be a difficult one, because the child will have trouble socializing and will lack a lot of knowledge, since no parent can know and teach everything alone.
François you have a big misconception of what unschooling is. Unschooling does not result in not socializing if you’re doing it right. It’s the most common misconception actually. I suggest looking up unschooling and socializing to get your answer on how unschoolers socialize. And I know that one parent cant know and teach everything alone. That's just not what unschooling is about. I know this is the best way to parent because I've seen the results. I've seen what unschoolers turn out as adults and it's wonderful.
YES! Public schools are generally cesspools of fatuous propaganda--- and still I feel that those of us that learned through the system did receive some really valuable tools to enable us to participate and contribute to "the betterment of the world."
Hi Daniel, I’ve watched numerous (around 90%) of your posted videos & highly appreciate & agree with most of your ponderings. You definitely come across intelligent & “going against the grain” of the masses. All things I appreciate. This was one of the vids I was hesitant to watch & hear as I’m a mom of three already, so it’s to late for us (my hubs & I) to *not* become parents. While the majority of your lists are checked & in the positive for my kids, I do not think it’s entirely a reasonable list for a few reasons. I feel the need to point out my “why” for both you & whomever may stumble upon my comment.
First, you mentioned “have you worked through your trauma”; while I do feel like I’ve grieved my childhood trauma & have set some much needed, unapologetic boundaries with previous fam of origin members, I question this logic bc the simple fact is, that trauma will inevitably rear its ugly head at some point bc it’s all around us in our world. Not to say that it would necessarily even relate to our childhood & fam of origin... For example, we might be driving in our car with our kiddos, minding our own business, & we could easily become traumatized as a result of a strangers carelessness or negligence. I think it’s my job as their mom to help them continually work through whatever trauma they will face (bc it will inevitably happen in one way shape or form in their lifetime) with love, patience & understanding of the big picture stuff!! Obviously case by case, but I don’t think anyone will ever be completely free from trauma as we live in a broken, imperfect, fallen world that will fail us all one way or another.
Point two, my kids have LIFE and an opportunity to love, to breathe, to create & to thrive BECAUSE we choose to have kids. Had we not, based out of fear, these incredible little beings wouldn’t be the light in my eyes & the beating in my chest. It’s not easy being a parent, but the sacrifice, love & commitment are worth it more then you could ever know, until you’ve actually lived it. My point: Don’t hold back based on fear.... research this ultimate responsible decision, most definitely!! Thoughtfully look at the life you’ve set up for yourself, weighing the pros and cons of the decision, but fear can paralyze anyone from a life well lived & shared with people to love. Perfect love drives out fear. It can’t all be about self and personal independent growth, bc then, what’s the point..?! No man is an island. The focus should be about doing the right thing in love, not paralyzed in fear.
I’m still trying to figure out if I’m ready to have a pet!
I dont understand why there is no test or education on raising children while there are tests such as driving license. Some basic education that would be required to go through for parents to get some emotional intelligence around kids...
most important video on TH-cam!
These were all things I wanted before having my first child. Life feels like damage control because I wanted kids, but I wanted to be ready in every way I could be. My partner is still trying to grow and learn himself and I have to guide him through fatherhood.
He really felt like he could just not be a dad until our child was about 2. Which to me says he was not mentally or emotionally ready to parent a child.
So why'd you procreate with him
Very good video! Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts
As a therapist, I love this video so much and wish everyone would watch it
Thanks :)
Wow, the best summary I have ever heard! And I am only half way in...
Lmao, Daniel I think this is a great idea. I’m putting it on my watch list. It’s how I felt before I had kids. That being said, some of what makes us all beautiful is in part due to things we experienced that were less then perfect. 💗
It’s so important to be aware on this topic...thanks for putting the work Daniel
I used to think the way I think and try to do things was absurd until I came across this channel, Thank you
Thank you Daniel for your awesome content, luv ya xxxxxxx
Really enjoying your content. Looking forward to listening to more. Thank you.
Beautiful video
Thank you, this is very helpful.
I don't think people waiting until they've resolved their trauma would end the human species, but the answer to "do you live in a safe place?" will always be no until police are abolished.
Love this so much! Thank you for sharing, Daniel
Great class......Thx!
I've been watching your videos for a while now and I think about your points of view and what I think they indicate and whether or not I'm the same as you. Sometimes I think you're very different from me and in many ways you are, and sometimes I feel like you get it, that you see so many things as messed up even though they're the norm, supposedly backed up by science. I wonder if you're still traveling or whether you get lonely. You have the courage to do many things that I don't. I am afraid that some of those things would just be me giving in to my self destruction. I've thought a lot about what you said about therapists and self therapy and parents. I've watched your movies and wondered whether there's a place for me to turn to which is similar to these places except for depression, not psychosis. Thanks for sharing what you share. It's quite refreshing. Even though my feelings are mixed and I may not agree with everything you say, it has led me to think a lot about important things. I wish you the best.
I’m not sure if you have a book...but you should if you’ve ever thought about it. This is super helpful.
Thx so much for all your sharing 🤍💚💙💖💜
Well, Daniel, I think you just solved the world overpopulation problem because almost nobody is adequate enough to have children according to your well thought out questionnaire. What's the pass mark anyway?
beee b that was just my thought lol! Video explained in one sentence: Don't have children, you're doing it wrong anyway.
lol, very sarcastic. I'm pretty sure what this video explores is an ideal to look up to, he's not making rules or anything, just suggestions, as i see it. You can also take the video as a sort of guide for lets say, if you see your child having difficulties you can't explain, they probably have a root cause in one of the video's categories. I don't have children of my own but i do interact quite a lot with them, in family and in the institutions i work with. Many times i can clearly see when a child is having problems, -for example concentrating- it has to do sometimes with their family dynamic and sometimes with their school (I am very against various practices in my community's school system: they are neither beneficial nor pedagogical).
Paulina Salcedo good answer :) but I'm pretty sure he means "don't have children ever", just look up one of his other videos, called "why you should not have children" or something like this lol
In my opinion, if he didn't explicitly say it, one can only assume. It is thus a matter of opinion. On the other hand, if at any point he did say it, "don't have children ever", which i don't think so because his videos are not set up in a demanding tone, I'm pretty sure viewers are allowed to disagree on this or any other regard. xD
....although i DO wonder, just out of curiosity, what iS the pass mark in his mind.. xDD
You rock. I used to be into spirituality, but now I am more into science and see all the traps you've mentioned in that video about spirituality you made. Love all the messages you are giving. I am also on the path more and more (trying) to be more of my authentic Me. 💖
Spirituality and sciences aren't mutually exclusive, religion on the other had is the alternative to science. And in my opinion religion and politics are what basically make the world worse instead of better.
You are amazingly self aware, intelligent and cute. Thank you. ❤🙏
The type of people who shouldn't have children will probably never find this channel unfortunately
Thank you!
much resonance with your insights, Daniel---still there are several points to which I could provide a different perspective, but I will just focus on one---I believe that the reason children have such difficulties after a parent dies is not because of the death itself, but because they have nowhere, no one to which to turn, for attunement to their emotional reactions, nobody to provide feedback for the questions that arise upon such a loss, and especially, the horrible expectation that one be "STRONG" upon such a traumatic event---in other words, children are expected, covertly speaking, to dissociate from their emotional responses, their pain
Oh dear, if all that is or were the pre-requisites for having children, there would be very few of us all. Most ppl don't even know what trauma means, much less that they have some, ,even less that they are healable, and even LESS: HOW to.
I agree that this all would be ideal and it is great how Daniel Mackler is so aware and verbal about all this.
I think it is much more important and worth-while to get to live on Earth than not to and than to get a good enough childhood. I wouldn't be alive much if his demands had been applied, ahaha, and I prefer being alive with trauma from my family and a chance to heal, than unborn!It is easier with a spiritual view, even if in the worst times, faith was sadly forgotten and I had no energy for it.
I guess I have to accept your hate.It scares and saddens me very much. I get your saving-need now,but it is not good post-poning to fight for our right to safe life, and to mostly care for men.Male egoism is what hurts women.
Best wishes for you,
Cclaudia.
I remember the emotional reality of my childhood. My childhood was a lot better than my parents in that I did not grow up in poverty like they did(however I did grow up in the same neighborhood they grew up in since my father didn't want to leave) despite not living in poverty and experiencing and seeing the things my parents experienced and saw, my childhood wasn't great or healthy. My parents couldn't stand each other for one, their own families couldn't stand the other spouse, and my parents were carrying so much trauma and emotional pain, not only from their childhoods but also from their young adults years and from the situation they were living under while married. All of that bled into their parenting. I love my parents but they weren't the best parents, there is a reason why my brother has anger issues and insecure attachment, there is a reason why my sister has anxiety and now depression(as a new mom), and there's a reason why I have anxiety, mild depression, and low self worth. My parents never took the time to face their demons or even ask themselves whether they were emotionally, mentally, and financially equipped to raise a child, let alone three.
I grew up seeing my mother miserable and always sad. My great grandma and grandmother hated my mother because they saw her as a threat. My father put everyone's lives on hold to take care of his grandma after his mom died, despite the fact that my great grandma's youngest daughter was always at the house. If we moved away my great grandma would've been fine because her daughter would've been taking care of her.
I grew up seeing my father stressed and angry a lot and he was the one that used to beat me. Not spanking, spanking is child's play, I mean ass whippings with a leather belt with the metal studs on it. Of course I love my father and mother and I do have a lot of fond memories that I share with them and I still spend a lot of time talking and hanging out with my parents because I love them and I know their time on earth will one day come to an end.
Despite loving them and trying to understand the unhappy situation they were under while married, I can't help but feel angry for how my childhood was. I cant help but feel resentment for how i was treated. And, like my mom, I can't help but feel a little cheated. We had the money, my mom works a decent job, and my father had a lot of computer skills back then and nerd level intelligence. We could've moved out of the ghetto, my siblings and I could've lived in a better neighborhood, we could've owned a house. But my great grandmother came first, despite the fact that her youngest daughter(who is only three years older than my dad) lived close by and could've taken care of her.
Since I have all of this emotional pain, insecurity, mental illness, and trauma, I know I wont be a good parent. I'm doing the responsible thing that I wished my parents did and actually ask myself these questions and really look at myself objectively. I won't have children unless I am emotionally, mentally, and financially balanced and stable. I refuse to give my future children a less than perfect version of myself. If I can't promise my future kids a financially, mentally, and emotionally stable mother then i wont have them at all. Hopefully whoever I marry in the future would also want the same thing and refuse to bring a child into this world unless they are a perfect version of themselves.
I love these videos about children
hes brutally honest
It’s a great questionnaire. I’m happy to say that I am in a pretty good place. I have a little to do trauma with an excellent family background. I don’t have a partner yet I have a much better idea of what sort of partner to choose.
I have a stable job and zero debt. I think that children like me and I enjoy children very much.
I live in a Midwestern suburb with plenty of access to fresh air and nature and our state parks and nature preserves are not too far away. I have Whitney Ann.
I grew up in my neighborhood for more than a couple of decades so I know what to expect. I think I’d be a good prospective parent. Not perfect, but definitely will ahead of the game.
And I consider myself very lucky and privileged, and I understand that it’s not everyone’s story.
My peace of encouragement is to do the best you can. It’s important to be on the right track. Sometimes our life situation is not perfect, but we can always make changes to create better homes for children. I know that there are some parts of the world that are not ideal to raise children and I feel so horrible about that.
I’m sad that there are people who are going through horrible trauma. I’m sorry about that too.
Daniel, I have a lot of respect for your video about not bringing children to current therapeutic situations within your field (ones that will serve as agents to the warping intentions of the parents who are troubled in how they behave on individual and paired levels). But, I believe that in skipping over the part of your sessions where people shared that life got better with just one parent, you are doing a tremendous disservice to kids who end up in continued abusive situations- all the sexual and physical abuses that you spoke of... They told you EXACTLY what you needed to know to get this right. But, this is something you may not know; many of these heinous abuses continue because a woman is afraid of being without a partner, because of what society may say about her or her perception of herself as a failure. The resolve to let go of a second income could be much stronger without the additional judgement and self judgement women will face for having multiple children, a child without being married, or a "failed relationship." Every relationship you grow out of that is unhealthy is a victory on your part.
This is such a bad statement that two parents are automatically better than one. There are so many people who would do better alone than having an individual who is half equipped who opens the child up, intentionally or unintentionally, to problems. The person who brought up this issue has a point. In different life circumstances, like those of your patients, you could easily see scenarios where one parent can be an awesome experience. This doesn't have to mean that they bring dates home, reintroduce several partners, or any of the scenarios that may be in your head as necessary outcomes. A great single parent is worth a thousand times more than a "would be great single parent" who is keeping someone around that is less than ready to be great. Not only are they trying to be a parent, they are trying to be a go between that protects their child from the imbalances of someone who is always present and always in a position of power in their home- which will stop them from being the parent they would have been when there is also the responsibility of babysitting another adult.
There are thousands of commendable single parents who have taken in kids who would have been in abusive situations, have healed them, and do this with the support of a network of friends or their parents, community support, or, by in large, alone. You really need to escape from this bubble and get real if your plan is to help people with your words and not keep them in darkness. Just one example: Life with Lizzie channel. Adopted 2 children, siblings, the second was suffering from signs of neglect and she was actually called into help because she'd done such a great job with the first- all while working a full time job. His head, once in a brace, is healed under her care and he is speaking properly, smiling, and interactive... like his sister. Life is not a fairy tale. It's people that rise up to non fairy tale circumstances and teach children what it is to be good people by proper examples that are who you should pay attention to when judging the limitations and possibilities around single parenthood. There are countless other examples and, unfortunately, I truly believe your mind is closed if you could say such a thing after hearing the truth out of your own patients mouths. So, this post is really for those wondering about that statement and needing validation instead of "failure" commendations by ignorant people. This is 100% for you and I hope you find it encouraging.
dfg dgh you are one of those that focuses on worst case scenarios and the cites that as proof a general theory is incorrect. Just because you know of "successful" outliers as examples does not prove your statement as proof that over-rules the general theory he posits.
it's a long time ago since last time, I agreed so much with a subjective opinion. I from my own childhood recognize some of the things you talk about. but to fulfill this checklist I would imagine is near impossible. so I would say that one would have to judge themselves and use this checklist as a self-reflection tool rather than an actual checklist.
No couple is fit for parenting, there is no way that just two people can cater the needs of anyone at all. Nuclear family is the issue, we used to live in tribes, then villages, this idiocy of nuclear family is an industrial invention, which systematically deprives children of the necessary human resources, empowering those two (necessarily incomplete) people to such an extent, that all is expected from them, but they can't provide. The day the expressions "Human Resources" and "Governance" will be eventually applied to family systems, we'll go somewhere. I hope to still be alive when This Truth comes to the surface. Till then, all we can do is whine about evil partners who seek gratification outside their self-imposed human poverty of the nuclear family. In this view, a question arises spontaneously: How come do we consider ok to claim a life-long ownership of another human being, and we are not even touched by a doubt that that too may not be very educational for children? And that perhaps it falls into the category of narcissistic objectification? But that's still too advanced, sorry.
Luisa Alexa You deserve to be a parent, by your appreciation of tribe alone. Colonialist children stolen by Native tribes, when recovered by their nuclear families, often returned voluntarily and alone, to rejoin the tribe.
I select you as a partner.
Absolutely right. And this nonsense about “energy draining” and having “affairs”.. wow. If we were truly a community we would be sharing our physical and spiritual love with any and all legal willing participants. I do not own my husbands dick just as much as I not own his stomach. I can suggest what food to eat and who to relate with but putting a boundary up “you must not screw her! You must not eat this!” Is just a false sense of control
You've been reading Talcott Parsons haven't you?
@Dragonul Alb lol
@@Frogsickle42 if you suggest a one to one relationship then I don't see the issue . I didn't own my ex girlfriends body either . What a wild assumption that I would . But my understanding of our relationship was that is me and her . And that's it . No other sexual partners or romances that I don't know about . And she expected the same from me . So there was no issue.. and there was happyness and peace ... Had I fucked a bunch of women she would've had perfect ground to be upset .. have you forgotten that people can carry an STD ? Or does love just wash that away 😂
I know people who are not great parents but kids are still drawn to them.
thanks Daniel …...
I am 52m never married and no kids. Needless to say, raising children is the greatest responsibility and undertaking there is in life. Before you have children, think!!
My only problem is that I don’t really have friends. Sure I have my high school besty, but even though she doesn’t know it, she’s never been a real friend. She has betrayed me so many times I’ve lost count. She’s popular and is even a councillor but I believe she has a very narcissistic nature. I’m a very loyal and highly sensitive person whose had a rough 30 years after my severely autistic identical twin was forcefully taken away from the family home and institutionalised. This caused me to have complex ptsd.
Although I’ve tried therapy I’ve had several bad experiences with three different practitioners which has turned me off seeking professional help but has given me the opportunity to self help through my art process and helping my twin recovering from a lifetime of abuse in every sense of the word.
On the outside people see a funny,friendly, resilient and sometimes a bit threatening person. But they don’t see the pain, and torment. Growing up I noticed that strangers often started chatting to me and revealing their deepest darkest secrets (especially of a sexual nature). Even when I was still a virgin. I was a late bloomer and my first time was when I was 18. Anyway, my point here is that at around 14 I was getting people randomly telling me ‘things’. Sexual things I didn’t myself have a clue about. I just assumed it happened to everyone, but when I asked my “friends “ if that happened to them they said no. I soon learned that it was just “me”. My younger sister once told me it’s because I’m not judgemental and people can see that about me, which is why they are quick to open up.
Pity I can’t seem to have any true friends. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I’m a very deep person, and just don’t care much for superficial relationships therefore I end up being quite alone.
I’m single, and I hope my future partner (if I ever find him, I haven’t given up hope) doesn’t judge me for being friendless because I’ve had boyfriends in the past who thought it was odd given that they could see people generally respond positively to me.
You can always make new friends, remember there are ppl like you and feel how you feel all around the world. You don’t have to keep your school friend if she has not been a true friend to you.
Jay J thank you.
I think your right to have the desire to have more friends. May you could compromise? 1. Smaller towns have a community, that are sometimes more supportive.
Some White Guy cheers. Since writing this statement I’ve blocked two of my “besties” from high school on Facebook, and I feel so much better for it!
I feel like I’ve given myself permission to move on instead of constantly seeing their posts and feeling like I “had” to like there selfies, to keep up with the pretence but deep down it was eating at me because I knew I wasn’t being true to myself.
As for the small community that you have suggested, I had already moved to a smaller community (by the sea side) to be closer to my sister who lives closer to the city so that I can take care of her.
Unfortunately my sister with disability and I got screwed over badly by a covert narcissist who not only caused me so much stress (we were together for 6 years), that it lead me to 3 heart attacks, one of which he refused to take me to hospital, but discovered later he wanted me dead.
He tried to convince me that the heart attacks were all in my head, despite being transferred to a bigger hospital in the city and spending three weeks in the coronary unit.
He messed with my head so much that I actually believed him. He even got me taking pain killers that are bad for heart problems, and can in fact induce heart attacks.
He ripped my sister and I off, making off with over $300 000, of our life savings, damaged my car, refused to return it, locked me out of the home (by the sea) for six months, changed the locks, couldn’t see if my cat was ok.
Had trouble with getting help from police because he had every angle covered.
Spread vicious rumours about me to everyone. Most people think he’s a sweet old man.
Anyway, today, I am doing well, making new friends (because I still go to the small community gatherings, as I’m attached to that beautiful peninsula by the sea.
I believe the reason he wanted me dead is so he can take control of my sister’s finances because she gets a substantial amount of Government funding to pay for support workers.
He defrauded the government.
I am talking about over quarter of a million dollars.
Most people think I should move on and let him be, but I’m going to do what’s right for me and have him arrested.
@@tamaracoba I deleted my facebook a few years ago. th-cam.com/video/ZGEQmFL9McU/w-d-xo.html. Am sorry to hear about your ex friends. I hope that people who deserve your friendship come into your life. God Bless
Let's face it! Humanity will be made up of traumatized people for a long long time from now on.
It's true, we should think of trauma as a process rather than a flaw.
@Daniel Mackler - What are your thoughts on people in, say, the 1910s entering the workforce and having children at an earlier age? Somehow, I get the impression that the average 20 year old from back then would be more dependable and “adult” a person than the average 30 year old nowadays. Thoughts?
So true however it’s going to take multi generation inner work and people being willing to do to change humanity or be taught as school.... I work beyond talking therapies into the resolution in healing soul fragments from womb, inner child, ancestral and past life.... I love your videos and love your perspective I too have no children and am almost too old now......it’s a spiritual journey and if we clear it we don’t need this old paradigm die and reincarnate we can be healthy and stay in the same body a lot longer...xxxxx
I totally get that this is just a list of important things to consider when planning a family... but I think there will be very very few people for whom all of these things apply. No one lives in a perfect world, and the timing/ personal circumstances are rarely going to line up just right.
BUT I did find this very helpful. The problem is now I have to find a way to break it to my husband that I think we should consider not having kids. We unfortunately miss multiple things on the check list :/
Late to the game, here, but wanted to add a thought from my personal experience; @3:38 when discussing communicating possibility of being *partly* incorrect, my spouse implies that if a part of an argument is wrong from the other party, she can dismiss everything and “win the debate”. It’s a real headache to discuss most things w/ her and this is one way to show an absurd approach to communications to me, and “who knows what?” to our daughter. I always wonder if/when the child will eventually see through the thinking error?
One thing I wish to unhear is the reason why my mom had me, because I was very curious and I did directly ask her a couple of years back and she said she wanted someone to play with. It is true she had to mature pretty fast, because my grandma was very immature, narcissistic and busy with work, grandpa was most of his time at work as well, plus he wasn't very open (she resembles him a lot), my aunt was the golden child because she was more like grandma and she wasn't a good friend to my mom. So when she got pregnant at 21 with the man she fell in love with, she also saw this as an escape from her family, little did she know that my dad also came with his own baggage, he wanted to adhere to the traditions so when they decided to move in with her part of the family (who were whealthier and lived in an apartment, instead of a dirt home like my father's family) he became a wuss in her eyes. She still loves him to this day, but has often expressed her regret in marring him, because she often thinks of him as less of a man, and that she has to step in and fill in the role of a man. I often heard her say "I'm both a woman and a man, cause you are nothing", many times coupled with some kicks and punches onto him or throwing of stuff towards him (if they'd know I'm talking about this only they'd throw a fit of rage towards me for outing them to the whole world). She broke the balcony door's window twice while pushing my dad who is twice her size, at the time I found it a bit funny, but actually thinking it through it isn't. This warped up family dinamic, where the females are domineering, more masculine within the family and falsely feminine and theatrical outside of the house and the men are subdued within the home and flaunted as throphies to the world has affected my perception upon the world and upon myself. I'm used to seeing my mom being the one fixing wires, assembling furniture, fixing the car (my dad never drives, though he has a licence, he says he dislikes it and that's mainly due to my maternal grandpa that he does so; and is happy to let my mom drive cause she has always loved cars - she is a mechanical engineer after all), while my dad is more the kind that likes singing while cooking, doing the laundry, watching football (socker), doing crossword puzzles and used to write poetry in his youth, now he comments on all kinds of ideologies, though he is mainly interested in politics at the moment - he has a PhD in Sociology. I think I'm saying too much where I shouldn't again. Sorry.
Don’t overestimate what you can control…..
im not a psychologist or anything but i agree with alot of stuff you say
Sadly I don't think there are many ppl that check all items from the questionnaire before they make babies
thank you. is there any way to get the lyrics + chords of your wonderful song "roll on big pharma"?
Really depends on how the person takes care of their bodies. My friend's dad died at age 40 from a heart attack. Same thing happened to a 24 yr old. My 24 yr old cousin died of Cancer. My 30 something yr old cousin died from being tasered by cops which caused a heart attack since he was on drugs. There was a court case over it because they went overboard on Christmas eve and there were witnesses. So anything can happen really. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best?
i forgot to say thank you in my flurry below - this was a great video! 🙌🏾
how about someone who wants to have 10 children, what would be necessary for Them.. ? hahah. Oddly in older days I think people actually raised children slightly better but they had more children ?
So what would be the minimum to live up to of those for the average prospective parents?
I agree about the raising your children in one place and not move , so that they feel secure and have friends. I went to a total of 13 elementary schools and this is a fact. Where are my friends? Who knows. Probably the very few people that prevailed are because their parents are or were my parents' friends. I have always known a lot of stuff about psychology and psychiatry in a natural way . Some people admire famous psychiatrists like Boris Cyrulnik because of their knowledge, but I think, am I even smarter because I had figured all that stuff out already. People that suffer first-hand are either more intelligent and stronger or weak emotionally and in a continuos depression.
I wish someone asked this questions to my parents, because at least 80% would have been answered with a solid NO.
And it has shown, their relationship has been dead for over 15 years now and the worst part is they are still together... It's pathetic tbh.
My mother was a decent mother but could have been an outstanding mother if it wasn't for my father who is basically an emotionally paraplegic person. Ive been feeling a lot of resentment towards them lately looking back at my childhood and teenage years and all the huge mistakes they made with me...
People not asking themselves these questions and going straight to breeding is the reason why there are so many abusive households and so many children who grow up traumatized to pass on to the next generation
I agree with a lot of what you said but disagree strongly with certain parts. My parents passed down to me a genetic disease that runs in the family. I'd rather have it and exist than not exist at all, and I think eugenics is an abhorrent ideology. I plan to have children.
great point re: eugenics, sad that nobody else brought this up
I ask myself at this time: Since i split from my parents and FOO, and i find so many reasons to, would I be okay with accepting even if I accomplished everything on that list and all my own aims in raising a child/children, would I be OK with the fact that I still thought they should split from me after they reach adulthood (18) in order to really get the best chance at developing their individuality and not intermittently be pulled back into triggering of trauma from seeing me in whatever way ? - Also, It may be a selfish (in the bad sense) question, but I might not find myself fulfilled by knowing the standard i can expect to bring up my child with with all the luck and misfortune of life included, is not good enough that I would feel I deserved to be supported by my children in old age, see their children, and have basically a functioning long lasting tight knit tribe. Is that selfish.. ? Because I know I would likely be an above average quality parent really. Not only that, but I would probably still talk to my FOO if ANY of them hadn't acted like pack animals against me for being persistent in requiring them to repent gradually and make amends for their mistakes. Would it be illogical to want even more than that for my own child ?
True about children that they have a radar they feel who’s real
So based on your first question - you are saying you can only have children with a partner?
Sounds like my parents were not ready in every way possible 😅