The kind of attraction NO ONE is talking about | Alterous Attraction
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ก.ค. 2024
- Everyone knows about romantic, sexual, platonic, sensual and aesthetic attraction but have you heard of ALTEROUS attraction?
My guide to all things alterous is here (because meshes can be confusing and no-one should have to work it all out alone)! This was supposed to go up during aro week but... oh well, life happens so let's do it for pride month. I love getting to center complex arospec feels during whole queer community celebrations!
WATCH MY SHORT FILM 'MESH' BELOW:
• Mesh (Short Film)
RESOURCES/DEFINITIONS:
aromantic.wikia.org/wiki/Alte...
lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Alterous...
www.urbandictionary.com/defin...
www.queerundefined.com/search...
www.aromanticism.org/en/attra...
ORIGIN OF TERM:
arospecawarenessweek.tumblr.c...
COMMENTARY/CRITIQUES:
/ what-alterous-attracti...
queerascat.com/2016/02/usage-o...
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Have you had a mesh before? I'd love to hear your story :)
I’ve had a mesh on my best friend, and she did back and now our relationship is Alterous and it really makes me feel happy because we both are able to come out about our feelings.
Both filters kinda fit for me and I just remember it clicking when we got closer 😂
A lot of people get jealous of our relationship and say we are goals but it’s interesting I just have a lot more of an emotional bond with her! 😄 I definitely am Demialterous for sure though!
@@starrykitties This sounds delightful! Congratulations to you both :D
I had an intense mesh earlier this year, but I had to let it slide away. She is someone I admire because we both have a lot in common, and I really wanted to get closer to her and become a confidant or maybe even a collaborator, but we're more acquaintances. She has a lot on her plate and I put myself out there that I'd be happy to be a part of her support network, but she didn't return the sentiment. I'm hoping we can become closer in the future if we develop a friendship. I knew it was a mesh because I didn't really feel rejected. I'm happy just knowing she's out there being her best self, and I hope one day I can be in that emotional circle of trust, you know?
@@amayagoddess very relatable!! It’s so hard and also hard to explain, the pain/sadness when your mesh can’t let you into their inner world emotionally or intellectually.
I had a mesh on my best friend, assumed it was romantic, freaked out because I didn't want to spoil our friendship, then proceeded to try and get over her. It took a while, but I did it. I did start questioning whether i was really attracted to her though. It's hard to explain but I found her aesthetically attractive in a different way that I usually see people. I kinda just knew. And I know that I was attracted to her before because I no longer see her the way I did then. I never did tell her about my feelings, but we're still friends and I'm fine with it.
Me, aromantic and neurodivergent: wHAT IS LOVE
Baby don't HURT me
@@ArtemisMunoz damn, beat me to it
also lol fuck I always hated that reply, which i got *every time I tried to ask my friends to help me understand*
save for one friend, who always responded by telling me i should reeeeallyyyy look in to autism lmao whoops
😂
I swear I'm experiencing this type of attraction right now to a very close bestfriend of mine. I invited them to my birthday party last week and when I saw them I felt a spark. That spark wasn't platonic or romantic but full of love. I'm so in love with them it hurts and I was considering telling them how I feel but I'm worried they'd take it the wrong way. They have a girlfriend and I'm worried they'd think I'm trying to push her out and take her place when I'm really not. All I want is to hang out more and have a close relationship, the kind where we share everything! I'm in love with them in a way I can't explain, all I know is I don't want to date them but be so so close.
This stuff isn't simple for sure. I wish you all the best with it all!
Same except my friend is aro
I felt that
You just said what I was feeling and I wasn't able to put words to that feeling thanks for your comment
that's the Same for me it Hurts D:
I often feel like my relationship with everyone around me is impacted by alterous attraction. Because for me, love isn't platonic or romantic, it just...is. It's the same for all people, it just depends on my bond with those people. So for me, I could very well develop close feelings for anyone, as long as we had a strong enough emotional connection and were compatible. For me right now, the people I'm closest with are my best friends, so they're the people I feel the greatest alterous attraction towards.
Beautifully stated. And a good capture of my own feelings about things as well.
I can really relate to that..! Glad to hear I'm not alone.
I thought I was alone in feeling this way. Glad I’m not!
i genuinely didn't know that everyone didn't feel this way. you mean to tell me that some people literally only feel platonic OR romantic feelings about people??? that sounds easy. XD
I know right! I’m over here like... sounds fake but fine, I’ll make a video to let folks know they aren’t alone anyway 🤣
Ugh imagine
I’m so glad this is an actual term. Sometimes we feel more than a friendship with people. Like almost in love feelings but we’re not romantically attracted. In my later years of life I’ve felt this more.
There is nothing more than friendship. Friendship is the strongest bond there is.
So I'm aroace and recently got in a queerplatonic relationship and I've been trying to figure out how I feel about them. And alterous attraction perfectly describes how I feel. Thank you for making this video 😁
Glad I could help!
6:13 - 6:22: SAM (Split Attractions Model): "You don't have to break everything down to that degree of specificity, but if it helps you navigate the world or enables you to feel better about yourself, then I, the Split Attraction Model, am here for you."
This. 👆
This makes my heart so happy. I heard about alterous attraction recently and it finally made since that I couldnt tell whether I liked someone platonically or romantically lmao. This video put into words something that I could never explain, and I thank you for that.
Glad I could be of some help ☺
Thank you so much for this video!
I found out about alterous attraction a little while back and it made me realize that I was aro, and that my need for relationships was from an unhealthy thing that society pushed "romantic" relationships.
What opened my eyes even more is when I learned that the concept of _romance was invented in the last couple centuries._ When one looks into what romance actually is, one learns that it's defined as a set of _behaviors._ Really really toxic behaviors. Like putting the feelings of one's partner(s) above those of others, staying together no matter what, etc.
I'm really shy to tell this, I fear hate comments or whatever, but... Here we go
I'm a girl and I'm straight (sexually and romantic)
In my life, I always had friends of all genders but my crushes were always boys
And that's okay
In a romantic scenario, me and a boy staying togheter and building a life togheter is something that was right to me
I never had attraction to girl's bodies, only boy's so... Definitely straight
But, I have one friend, a girl, that makes me feel different...
I really love my friends, but I love her in a different way...
I really like to stay close to my friends, but stay closer to her is special in a different way...
I thought that she may be my crush, but, she is not...
I have had crushes before, and it's different
I don't want her body, I don't want to date her, I don't want to kiss her, I don't want her to be mine
This is a romantic scenario that I want to have with a boy because I'm straight and that was confusing...
At the same time, she is more than a friend to me, more than a best friend, it's something weird, but it feels like she completes me, in a way that is more than planotic, but it's not romantic
I just... don't know
That's really confusing and I have been feeling this for some years... Today I decided to google more about romantic and platonic feelings, because this feeling was something in between but not exactly
And the alterous attraction makes so much sense
It's weird, but it's there
Something in between platonic and romantic, but not exactly
It's confusing but your video helped A LOT
I'm still trying to understand it, but your video really makes things a little more clear and organized in my head
So... I wanna say thank you
You won't get any hate from me! Though yes, it's definitely a scary thing to come to terms with and declare about yourself. Congrats on working things out! I feel really grateful to have been even a small part of your journey. (And appreciate the love for my filmmaking too -especially for a short made in iso
@@ArtemisMunoz thank you for being so kind
I've had a similar experience in my past. It's real!
I like to think that kind of feeling is when we meet our soulmates. That we both just know we belong together, not romantically yet much more than friends.💜🖤Thank you for sharing your story
I have very similar experiences, almost exclusively as it turns out. I want the person to be my person.. but I don’t really know what that entails.
OMG OMG OMG! I have never felt so validated in my entire life. Me and my partner started off as girlfriends after realising we both wanted to get closer to each other which we thought was romantic, but then recently we redefined it and talked through everything we felt about it and realised that maybe defining as a 100% romantic relationship didn’t necessarily fit. Which is when o suggested relabelling to a QPR (labels are important to them) and it felt more comfortable for both of us and like it fit. But I know it is much deeper than platonic but idk if it’s 100% romantic- which is why we found this middle ground (we both really struggle to differentiate between romantic and platonic feelings) but knowing this is a thing that others experience too- it makes me realise that I could have Alterous feelings towards them and just knowing that makes me feel less confused as to how I feel- because I know I like them as more than just a friend but I struggle to know if feelings are romantic, and QPR just seems like the best label for the both of us . But omg knowing this label exists makes me feel so validated (though I still don’t really feel like any label fits me- which is why I just use queer or bi because I think it’s the closet to how I feel).
Glad this could help!
And totally vibe with the no knowing exactly where you fit but being content with using words that are close enough :P
I refer to these as alterous partners
Labels aside, it's just so difficult to make allosexual people understand that love is such a varied and profound thing. It's just so unfortunate that when you have an interest for someone they assume you want to kiss them etc.
@@user-uo1xn7kv4r Yess. And idk if you can relate to this, but when i see an objectively attractive person, they're attractive but im not attracted to them. Like it sounds crazy but its weird to me how allos can just see an attractive person and ask them out. Like, wouldnt you want to know them first? How can you have a crush on someone just by seeing them?
@@CorynneFord I know, right? When I see someone attractive I'd love to be around them but that doesn't mean I have a crush. Sometimes I lose interest as soon as they start speaking, lol.
discovering i'm demialterous (edit: and arospec) has given me so much freedom, but at the same time, having to try to explain it has been a struggle, because it gets _so specific_ for me. it's more than just the type of attraction and when i start to feel it.
This explains so much! Now I can finally sleep in peace
"romo humans" - great wording, thank you!
You’re welcome
I mostly feel alterous attraction and I'm so happy to see videos on it
You're SO SMART! like... I'm 30, getting married in 3 months e decided to look deeper into my emotional connection with a close friend of mine (also childood friend with my future husband...) never heard the term alterous but it fits so much better than everything else! Can't believe I struggled sooo much, for years... And also got judgmental comments from some of the friends I've talk with about! THANK YOU!
Glad I could help. I'm no smarter than anyone else - just sharing something I had encountered that I found useful as I thought it might help others too :)
I'm happy you found some way to understand the way you feel better! Lots of love to you..!
i have no idea what im feeling. theres this guy i met in 7th grade and we were friends until we hated wach other and stopped talking lol. but i started to feel some way dyring 9th grade abt him. it wasnt exactly romance, i dont think, but my heart beat faster, i got rly excited when i saw him, and i really wanted to talk to him. 10th grade, i didnt see him at all and thats when i discovered i was on the ace and aro spectrum. so 11th grade hits and guess what, i get those same feelings when i see him. its only him. hes the first person ive ever felt this way towards. ever. and i dont know what it is. i want to be more than friends, but not in a relationship. i cringe whenver i think of us doing sexual or romantic stuff. but regular friend stuff isnt enough either... i want to see him and be with him all the time ughhh. wtf is this
Feelings are confusing and I wish you all the best in working it all out 💜
this is literally what im feeling with my crush rn
Wait cause you just described how I feel about my guy friend
i watched this back in august and started questioning if i was aspec, i thought i wasn't until i felt romantic attraction for the first time (i'm 16) and i just had that "Oh! none of my previous 'crushes' felt like this before, it never physically hurt not being in a romantic relationship with them" moment. So thanks for helping me figure out that i'm greyromantic and tenatively only into guys romantically
Glad I could be a help. May you keep exploring for as long as you need and be proud for who you are always :)
thank you so much for making this video!! :] i recently asked out my now-qpp and im having a really hard time working through my feelings >__< on one hand i dont think that "platonic" fits us completely but on the other i dont think "romantic" would fit either. i feel most comfy calling us a qpr but most ppl say that queerplatonic relationships are strictly nonromantic and its really confusing :'') that being said, im also aroace and im starting to think that i have alterous feelings towards them... that or im just gonna try to stop labelling it at all haha. however things work out, this video is really helpful and im glad to see other aspec creators talking about their experiences. ive hardly seen any videos on aromanticism and branching terms from those communities and it means a lot to me that this exists
Thank-you so much for this comment and all the best for sorting through your feelings and for any conversations with your qpp that may happen going forward.
I hope you find what you need :)
@@ArtemisMunoz thank you so much :)
I am very very very late to this, but to my understanding, qpr exist both outside and at the intersection of romantic and platonic relationships, and not every qpr is the same. So, a somewhat romantic qpr is possible.
I think I have this exact attraction towards my music teacher. We're both females, and I am just so interested in her, almost platonic, but not. But then when I think about romantic wise, its also not that. It's just right in between platonic and romantic. I just love her so much, and I'd love to tell her, but I don't want her to get weirded out cause shes married :/
Good luck, whatever you decide.
I feel this way about one of my teachers/advisor. There’s a connection but it’s not romantic
To break it down for anyone who isn't aromantic or aroace... or similar things
Imagine it like colorblindness...
The lines between a platonic relationship (friendship)... and a romantic relationship.. are blurry.
It's hard to differentiate between the two.
And an easy test for yourself.. is just like the colorblindness test... but instead of dots that are different colors, hiding the meaning of a number or letter... there is a hidden level of intimacy... We don't see the level of intimacy actively.. that seperates a friendship from a romantic relationship... and even then, intimacy looks different for everyone else..
For me, an intimate relationship could just be spending time together doing the same hobby...
So technically.. drawing something with my brother.. could be called an intimate relationship... but that is not so great to think about :/
I'd been wrestling with my feelings towards a close friend of mine for a little while now, because it FELT like I considered them more than "just a friend," but I couldn't say I wanted to date them or have a romantic relationship with them. It was definitely messing with my head and stressing me out. But another friend who I was talking to linked me both this video and your short film, and it was like someone had finally put the right words in my head. An "alterous attraction" definitely fits my experience. It made talking to the first friend about my feelings towards her a lot easier, and we are on really great terms. Thank you for this!
3:21 LMAO *not me going around asking people what romantic attraction feels like when i was questioning*
someone told me that if u feel it youll just know right away so thats how i knew i was aro
also i tried imagining myself in a romantic relationship and everytime i did i'll just cringe so thats another thing that made me think i was aro 😂
Relatable as heck. “You’ll know when you feel it” sometimes seems to me more like “Look, I don’t know what it is either. Stop asking me.” but that may just be me projecting 😂
looool yeaaahhh, me asking about sexual attraction. Still can't belive its something real tbh.
@@Tai-xw6uy ikr. i had a sexuality crisis the other day and i asked allo/demi/aspec people what it feels like they described it and i couldnt rly believe it ao guess im ace i guess
@@hypnosesgodchild still get those sometimes tbh, out of nowhere I'm like "I might be wrong" and then I start researching for it like the first time, doing quizzes omg- lolol, but then I'm like "nah, that's not normal for me" so it's a cycle... But im glad it's working out for you!!! Thanks for answering me btw! have a good day!!!
@@Tai-xw6uy sameeee 🥲 every once in a while ill just have a crisis
have a good day too ^_^
I just realised I'm aro a couple weeks ago when someone recommended to make a list of all the types of attraction and definitions that make sense to you and next to romantic was "???" and I think that said quite enough. Like I know it's the societal norm and what most people feel towards their partners but I can't come up with my "own" definition, but I love every aspect of a romantic relationship I can think of, the hugs, cuddles, kisses, cute dates, loyalty, moving in together, getting married, having kids/pets together, all of it. I identified as cupioro for a while but it didn't quite fit. This is still very new to me but at the minute cupio isn't the right label because to me romantic attraction and romantic relationships occur concurrently. That's not to say cupio people aren't valid, you absolutely are, but that's just my way of working out who I am. That's why I identify as Bellusromantic. I love all the romantic actions but want to enjoy them in a non romantic way. I also think a lot of it is down to my "why can't these traditionally romantic things be applied to a non romantic relationship?" attitude.
1. Friendships vs Romance
As I mentioned I cannot define romance for the life of me, and I only have 2 close friends, and all I know is that I'd never be in a relationship with them. Platonic attraction is strictly friends, but I still want a non romantic non platonic relationship, hence I'm here.
2. What alterous is to me
It's very much like a romantic relationship, and may look like that to most people, but to us it's not, we may do all the traditionally romantic things, but our relationship is not romantic.
I’m a Demiromantic Asexual, I’ve noticed how even when I’m in a romantic relationship I don’t like doing certain relationship stuff like the big one is physical touch, I’m cool with dates if I know them but if not then I’m gonna say no,suprisingly peoples ideas of a date is to be asked at by a stranger,even tho I’m Demiromantic,romantic relationships are not fully romantic or platonic,however I still want a romantic relationship because you can be AroAce and still want/desire a romantic relationship because being AroAce is about attraction,like feeling no romantic attraction but wanting one or sometimes or in certain situations feel romantic attraction and desire a romantic relationship which can make it extremely difficult,for me I take FOREVER so that’s probably why I’m always the one to make the first move tbh but I’m also not entirely romantic ether,I still am Demiromantic because it’s about my romantic attraction/how I experience it, I resonate with an Aromantic term called soft romo which means that it’s not exactly obvious your in a romantic relationship for example if your not holding hands or whatever,if that’s not me idk what it
Glad you've found a framework that works for you!
This video has opened my eyes to a totally different way to look at attraction and relationships. I was already starting to think about things differently in some ways due to being asexual and somewhere on the aromantic spectrum myself, but I hadn't considered looking at things in such a different way at all. I have a ton to think about, thanks for introducing me to this, it's gonna be fun!
Great video! Always good to see more educational videos about more obscure identities and attractions!
We need to get the word out there somehow! Otherwise people just end up going around thinking they're broken - and we absolutely cannot have that!
I was confident in my aromantic and agender identities, but in the last few months I’ve discovered autism might(?) significantly affect my conception of gender identity, and it learned about a new type of romantic-ish attraction that aligns decently well with my experience. All has remushed into the chaos that I first dug my queer identities out of.
I feel you. Regardless of if you find the specificities to describe your experience or not, I hope you are able to move through the world comfortably enough.
For me what has help has been (instead of niching down into more specific language) to broaden out to umbrella labels and letting the intricacies be what they are (for example I broadly call myself aspec and non-binary as my general most-used-words)
Neuroqueer is also a term I’ve heard that might be useful to you 💜
Wow! I love how you explained this. I am not ACE but I have found myself to be in a relationship like this more then once. It's really hard to talk about. I met someone recently who I clicked with right away. They also have a mesh on me.
The issue has been, we most likely will never have sex. We talk about it a lot but nothing gets started. It's like we both want to keep it a fantasy so the vibe isn't broken.
What I uave noticed is a patern on the part of my mesh to get irritated when I start to show physical attraction to someone else. I get multiple text asking me if I am ok or with love heart emojis out of the blue. I feel off balance with them.
This video will help with the talk I am going to have with them. We need to set some boundaries in better spots. Ether they stop texting me at midnight or we take it to that next level already emotionally.
Thank you for making this video! It is so well-crafted and you’re really well spoken.
I remember finding the term alterous attraction around a few years ago and realizing emotional attraction perfectly described the not-exactly-crushes I had as a little kid.
For me alterous attraction is emotional attraction. I don’t want to date my meshes, or be friends with them. I want to pick their brain and know their soul, their true self, their insecurities, and sometimes I want to extend my own true self back.
But most of my meshes haven’t been intense, and it’s easy for me to ignore. They were small enough that as a little kid I didn’t acknowledge them as crushes (because I thought that it was having a crush but it wasn’t actually strong enough to be a crush), and I pushed the feelings down.
I’ve always sort of clearly identified this feeling in myself, I just didn’t know what to call them, nor did I know at the time that strange “non-platonic” feelings did not necessarily mean they were crushes.
Having a mesh for me definitely isn’t romantic or platonic, I’m not even sure if it’s something in between. To me it’s more like I want to find a bench to sit down with a stranger I’ve never talked to and spill all my deepest thoughts and feelings to them.
It makes me glad too that the term alterous attraction can encompass so many different specific meanings. So thank you Artemis, again, for making such a well-made video talking about this so that people can know!
Thanks for watching!
I got this vid recommended and now I really need to look up the split attraction model some more!
It’s useful stuff!
I once saw an explanation on Reddit which I think was pretty much in the spot. For me at least.
They said something like „when someone has a crush they might have butterflies or are nervous and many people also describe an almost physical pain when they describe their relationship to me. QPR/Alterous Attraction is just so much more chill“
Well I thought that describes pretty well what it feels like for me. I thought about being in a „normal“ romantic relationships with someone but that is so troublesome.
I mean, having butterflies are so on is kinda cute I think but it’s so much easier and chill without being this nervousness and „do you love me“ that has to be confessed first
yes I've fallen in love/had romantic crushes and it's just so intense 😖
I come back a month later and realize how bad my English was
I hope one can even understand what I am saying
@@alexrose20 ahh yes that’s bad
I had that too once and it’s so weird
I always wanted to be around that person but I thought „I don’t want act strange around them, I better don’t talk to them“ and I thought they don’t even like me so I’d just be annoying for them
For me I actually do get the nervousness and butterflies but not really in a romantic way
All I can say is that I do experience butterflies in my stomach and nervousness, and still don't want a romantic relationship with holding hands, kisses, etc. So perhaps that explanation on Reddit wasn't on point.
damn this video was super helpful ty for making content abt this !! i thought i had a crush on one of my best friends a while back but it was never quite fully romantic, and at the same time it definitely wasn’t platonic - i knew i liked her and had a crush on her but at the same time i was completely fine just being friends with her, i didn’t mind that she’s aro / ace and wouldn’t romantically like me back, and the idea of dating her just felt off and wrong
i felt really confused about this for ages but this has helped me start to realise some things and work it all out in my head :)
Glad I could be of help
Hello !
I'm in a similar situation, may I ask what you did about it ? :)
@@inesmartin1966 tbf there wasn’t actually much I could really do 😭
luckily our friendship was chill enough for us to both just be happy with the situation as it was - I didn’t feel the need to like properly confess and be in an official romantic relationship w her, I just loved spending time w her and being close to her. She actually knew I had a crush on her the entire time n she was actually very relaxed with it all (even though I thought she’d hate it if she knew), and we were just happy at the time having a close undefined relationship.
Sorry I can’t rlly give any specific advice bc it ofc depends heavily on the situation but good luck !
@@user-iz5ug2wz2e no worries, thanks a lot for answering ! 😁
I literally just found out about this like a day ago and now I'm finding this video. I've never personally had it, but it seems like a struggle and this give me somewhat more understanding of it which is cool. good video mate!
Thanks :)
Oh god is this what I've been doing for the last three years-
👁️👄👁️ * *reconsideres life choices* *
Thank you for talking about this, and in such a beautiful way. I feel like alterous attraction is more common than we realise. Also, why is nobody talking about your amazing voice at the end???
Hehe thanks for the vocal compliment :P
I do think it's probably pretty common - a side-effect of the application of language not being broad or ready enough for nuance. Arospecs will notice it more easily but I can certainly see many alloromantic people experiencing this and dismissing it.
I think I've experienced this before, I've never experienced romantic or sexual attraction and I don't think I ever will (in short, I'm aroace) but there have been times where I've liked people and it definitely wasn't platonic or queerplatonic. I think my first mesh was either a girl I knew called imogen, I thought she was really cool and I wanted to be close to her but not the way I'd be close to a friend, or a guy I knew called Milo where I felt the same thing, at the time I thought they were crushes but, looking back, neither were crushes, they were meshes. I've had a few more meshes but I always thought they were crushes because I didn't know I was aromantic and I never had the vocabulary to describe what I was really feeling. I found this video really helpful because it helped me realise what things I've been feeling for certain people, thank you for making this.
I'm not sure if I have meshes or squishes. I'm ace, demiromantic, but feel really strong connections to people where they're not the same level as my romantic partner, but I still feel a deep connection that isn't romantic. So I'm not sure if it's platonic or what. For me, I've decided that the names don't matter as much as explaining to people what my boundaries are, and where they are and how much I care about them. Even if I suck at doing that because of my disabilities.
100%
The words are only useful if they're useful.
Glad you have an approach that works for you.
Sending good vibes
💚
Thank you so much for the explanation. I experience romance and have romantic partners. But I’ve had feeling for a friend I haven’t been able to place for years and it’s been tormenting me. The prompt of thinking about the difference between friendship and romance really clicked. Super helpful
Getting a bit emotional while watching this, tysm for making this 😭💞💞💞💞
Thanks for teaching us about this! The aro-spec needs to be more well-known. (I'm aroace)
Glad it was helpful!
This is exactly how i'v been describing how I feel for so long and I just haven't had the word
So I can now share how I'm feeling about Brooke using the right terminology and can better explain any questions
Thank you, it doesn't take away all the confusion but it helps with a lot of it
💜💚
Glad I could help!
This has definitely given me something to think about, thank you for sharing all of this
No worries! So glad I could help :)
thank you i had been looking for the term to explain the attraction i feel towards a person but wasn't sure, your video really helped :)
That gives a new perspective! I just watched your short film, and the dialogue you have on call was highly relatable to the feeling I've been having recently. All the words you said, couldn't be more accurate and I have to thank you for that. I'm glad I came across this video, came across a new term; Alterous Attraction. (I'll share my story soon)
thank you so much, im crying rn you dont know how much this means to me! i recently realized i cant deny it anymore and im aro ace. but this is helping me learn more about myself personally, so ty!
I'm just discovering this attraction type for myself and I find it hilarious that all the info is coming from around people since my search was triggered by NOT being romantically attracted to someone for once but still holding the usual feelings of a crush lolol. I could tell my feelings escalated for them, and some of those relationship desires creeped in but they never really developed like they had for others. It's been so weird. Alterous is the PERFECT way to describe it tho. I want MORE of our friendship and a deeper one, on the level of a relationship but not romantic like one. ❤❤❤
Thank you for both these videos. The short film helped explain the feelings really well.
Thanks for making this video! I'm aroace, and I get really confused on what type of attraction I am feeling, so I mix up romantic attraction with aesthetic and alterous attraction, and get confused easily. This cleared things up a bunch, and there isn't much about this topic!
hey tysm for making this video!! im very bad with personally labelling myself despite wanting to put a name to the way i feel, and the way you explain things makes things feel a lot more simple :)
theres someone ive been very close friends with for around.. five, six years now? found eachother in middle school and we've been around till my junior year. for a good few years now ive been thinking im hopelessly in love, but for some reason i really didnt. feel it was quite romantic. i very easily identified as asexual early on but identifying as aromantic was always back and forth for me, since i told myself i wanted /more/ than a platonic relationship.
i have friends, i have close friends, but something is so deeply different about this person in a way i cant quite explain- but i think alterous fits it the best.
you're insanely underrated for how well you display information, definitely have to go look through your stuff
Awww thank-you! I hope you find something of merit in my other videos too
I’m at 2:27 and have already wanted to comment something. As in not only keep going if you want but also even if it doesn’t strictly apply to me, this seems like it’d be good to know and informative.
this was iconic, clear, helpful, well-captioned, and entertaining, thank you so much !! 8D
as an audhd aroace I'm so frickin happie I found you, what a refreshing creative perspective!!
honestly, hearing the idea of the split attraction model and using it helped figure me out a bit more. I knew that I was aroace, but I didn't know that the same/similar affixes could be used for other attractions. Thank you, this video was very helpful.
Very glad to have been a help!
I had no idea what this kind of attraction was, thank you for this video!!!
Glad I could be of assistance :)
This is a great video! I don't think I experience alterous attraction, but I do experience queerplatonic attraction, and I've always had a hard time understanding what the difference is. I'm still not all the way there, but this video helped a lot in understanding what it is. And it was fun to watch too, without feeling like just a copy-paste of the definition I've heard everywhere, so thanks!
As an explicitly non-asexual this feels like it occupies the same space for asexual people as friends w/ benefits does for sexual people? I have had many people in my life that I had these in-between relationships not quite a friend but not romantic, but much more than platonic.....
Alterous attraction could certainly track to those kinds of experiences. It's not just for ace folks. In fact, it has nothing to do with sexual attraction - playing instead in the murky areas between friendship and romance. Defs could involve dynamics like this and many others too :)
10 seconds in and oh god that definition sounds like me-
edit: (pretty sure it’s me) thanks for sharing this!!! I’ve recently identified as bi aroace since its most comfortable and (I was actually talking to my counselor about this the other day) I feel like the “bi” part is describing an attraction that isn’t really platonic or romantic-I’m just drawn to people in an undefined way but I don’t particularly desire to be great friends with them, or to hug/kiss/get in a relationship with them and it’s been confusing. I probably won’t change my label but this was really reassuring to see because it’s so similar to my own experience ❤
I’ve discovered a new type of attraction, tysm!
Omg your song at the end!!! 👌🏽
it makes me so happy to identify myself as aromantic and alterous! before, it was difficult to put my experience into words since i like the thought of a relationship, yet never on the basis of a mutual romantic love. i don’t see myself having strong feelings of traditional affection (whatever that may encompass), or the capacity to ever express that directly. but i still want a partner who is close to me, and for it to be okay if we may not be able to call it “love”. (i have trouble with articulacy, so i’m hoping that made sense!)
DUDE OMG, I’m so glad I came across this video. I has no idea this was a thing, and I think it describes my experiences perfectly. (I also identify with Quoiromantic) There’s this one person who’s recently come into my life, and I can’t decide whether it’s platonic or romantic attraction. It’s been like 2 months of back and forth because I can’t tell the difference AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. All I knew was that I wanted to get emotionally closer to them. Romance doesn’t seem quite right, but I also want to be closer than just friends.
Thank you so much:) it makes me feel a little less messy about figuring out jazz:)
Glad it helped!
Oh my gosh i have alterous attraction its so good to find a video
Sadly i found it through a QPR video since my best friend is queerplatonic
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve felt infactuation and not actual love, and learning about all these alterous, and arospec and acespec sexualities is really helping. I just have to figure out the best way to tell my boyfriend.
I just had this convo w my bsf a week ago and I’m so happy she’s chill. I love her to bits! Anyways we didn’t want anything to change really but I want to call her my partner. She’s ok with the term but isn’t ready for the social pressure which I feel also. We just don’t wanna be bound by our actions meaning specific attractions I guess? I wanna hold her hand and tell her how much I love her! We’re gonna be roomates one day! Anyways, we’re really compatible and I’m so happy we’re in a place comfortable enough to have these conversations!
Great video
I just discovered now that I had that feeling for a friend. I was so confused at the time and our relationship ended pretty bad because of that.
She liked me in a romantic way. Although I couldn't entirely respond in the same way, I wasn't sure about the "friendship" feeling. So our relationship got really messy. Wish I knew about this sooner. Thank you so much for the video :)
This is very helpful. Thank you.
You are very welcome :)
NO BC THIS IS SOMETHING I COULDNT EXPLAIN MY ENTIRE LIFE MY MIND IS BLOWN
Huge thanks for this video! It helped!👍 I tried not to label my feelings, but some part of my mind was constantly asking is it OK to feel something that is not a romantic love, but not a friendship either or maybe I "simulate" this feeling? Of course heteroromantic normativity is the ultimate cause of these questions, it oppresses all of us. But now after I understood that there is a WORD for it and many people experience roughly the same I finally stopped to ask this question! Woohoo! My lambs got silenced!😆
Eyyyy glad I could be of some use! 😁
I think I feel this way about a new friend I made. We’re both queer women, but I don’t think it’s romantic. I want to be her best friend and her girlfriend at the same time… I love her so much i feel like the only way i can show it is by kissing her, but in a platonic way. I definitely don’t feel attracted to her in a sexual way, I just feel like I lover a lot and I haven’t felt this way before about anyone in my life.
That's my main form of attraction tbh lol
Well, after aesthetic
Well done, fam! Writing, presentation, editing, all super on point; greatly enjoyed. That said, I find this to be a very interesting topic. I'm an ace who formerly identified as aromantic before meeting my current partner and have concluded that I'm likely demisexual, for whatever that might be worth, though I don't think I have ever, myself, experienced this type of attraction. I tend to place things into difinitive categories with neatly defined boarders in general, though, so that may have something to do with it. I have certainly heard people and characters in fiction describe this sort of experience, though. I'm glad you're shedding light on this. For a species so obsessed with sex and romance, we sure do like to stay ignorant about the facts and particulars, don't we? Keep doing the good work, sib. ❤
Thanks for the encouragement! It’s been a year since I’ve made any videos so knowing people care is very useful. Big thanks 💚
@ArtemisMunoz You’re very welcome, and thank you for the reply! I hope that, whatever you're doing and whatever is going on for you, that you are well and finding happiness. But, yes, you're quite good at this. Much love and best wishes, fam.
I'm not aromantic, but to my great surprise I have experienced alterous attraction several times and am still completely lost with it, I'm super glad I can find a video about it 😀
The only thing I am still super confused about is : what do I do with it ? Usually, I want to hold my meshes, to be close to them physically, but I don't want to kiss them or go further... And I don't know if I can ask that to someone who wouldn't experience the same thing as me, or I may feel bad as I feel like it would "lead nowhere" (thx society for these ingrained ideas). So I'm really glad to understand more this feeling andto be validated, but if anyone has any tip on what to do with it, I'd be super happy :D
Honestly the same advice I give to everyone is to try to communicate your wants and feelings with openness and honesty (as long as you feel safe or that it will be a positive for you). Even if someone may not have the same experience as you, they may have similar wants for different reasons or may be happy with doing something if they value your relationship and it will make you happy. The only way to know is to have that conversation.
@@ArtemisMunoz thanks a lot for your answer 💜
This is so real for me. Like, I can never really tell if I want to be good friends with someone, or if I want to date them. It’s usually somewhere in the middle where I’d be chill either way. There may also be an aspect here, at least for me that I think I should have a crush on someone because that’s “normal” and if I don’t like have those feelings then I’m not? But I mean the feelings still exist so who knows
That is relatable and sometimes it’s hard to separate our social conditioning from our actual feelings. Either way, your experience is yours and this language is here if it’s useful to help you describe it.
that song is nice :D
and yeah, I probably had some relationships in this direction ... I just didn't really know xD
great video, thanks for the acknowledgement of country to the Wurundjeri people
Glad you liked it! And it's literally the least I can do. Trying not to let these acknowledgements be just empty words.
Confused???? No this explains EVERYTHING
WAIT THERES A WORD FOR HOW I FEEL?!?!
Thank you so much for this video! I needed that. I've been struggling for the past few months with these kind of feelings towards one of my friends, and I've done research on the different types of attraction, and I think the closest one is actually that, alterous. I've been slowly going towards the aromantic spectrum label, and I told them that, and I don't think they are that informed about the question, so they probably believe I could never feel any type or romantic attraction, but I think I can...A little bit ? I'm still confused, and this situation freaks me our honestly, because I've learned that they've had a crush on me, for quite a long time now. They don't know I know, so I've been anticipating their confession and what I would say to them if they eventually did tell me. The thing is, I don't really know, I don't think I would reject them, because there is something for me too, just maybe not the same way they feel. I've decided though, that whatever might happen, I'll just explain it to them, in all honesty because communication is important and I believe torturing myself is not the best way to spare them from hurt. Maybe I'll even show them your video, or this comment, to help them understand what's going through my head. I don't really know what I want, but I'm glad I'm not alone, and it helps very much, to hear someone articulate these feelings. So again, thank you, and to anyone struggling with these sorts of intense identity questioning, you're not alone, give yourself time and you don't owe anything to anyone, hope we'll work it through
Glad I could help! And good luck with it all. Sending you the best of vibes :D
@@ArtemisMunoz Ahah thank you
I completely forgot that this existed and questioned my sexuality for like months even though past me saw this and knew💀
Tysm for explaining this
No problem!!
I’m Lithoromantic and honestly we don’t get brought into the lime-light enough so Tysm for making this,A thing I see often , from people is that we haven’t “the one” like bruh- if I haven’t that special someone yet then where TF are they?!
this is the first time I've heard about it and at first I was confused and thought I didn't need another term to describe my relationships but now that I've thought a couple minutes about it, it resonates with me a lot.
I have friendships that are purely platonic but with other friends, I feel more "magnitized" towards them even though our friendship is as close and sometimes even less close than the purely platonic ones. I don't want to date them and hold hands, I don't even necessarily feel the need to cuddle but I want to get to know them very deeply and be their rock in times of need, I get all excited and giddy while thinking about them. I wasn't even that confused about these feelings tbh but people constantly assume I have crushes on my friends while I don't, crushes feel different to me.
I'm not sure I'm going to use this term yet, I'm pretty sure quite a lot of closed ones would think this is another made up fad but I'm very glad I stumbled upon this since it helps me understand my feelings better. I'm pretty sure alterous attraction is more common than we think but most try to fit it in the platonic/romantic box.
Technically all words are made up - but sometimes they are made up for good reasons and those are the ones that will stand the test of time.
Glad this video was useful for you - even if you don't end up using the term :)
Feeling this so hard man... Life is confusing
Thanks for sharing
Excellent video :) I'm aro/ace and I appreciate the new information. I don't think I experience a ton of alterous attraction, but who knows, maybe I will in the future. I'm the kind of aro who writes fanfic about romantic couples because its fun and nice to think about, but it's also something I do to make sense of it. Am I getting romance right? Does romance make sense in my own life? (also, maaaybe I have meshes on fictional characters/celebrities, which is a bit annoying tbh 🙃 I have mixed feelings about this, as someone who would like to have a partner in the future, but all that makes sense to me is to lightly obsess over a person I can't actually get close to).
This makes a lot of sense to me. I call myself a lesbian because I’m only romantically and sexually attracted to women/enbies. I would only ever date a woman or fem enby person. But I’ve had alterous attraction to men as well. There are some guys in my life who I have a strong emotional connection to that’s non-romantic
I'm not 100% sure yet but I think this video came at the exxaaact right time for me
Heck yeah I’m having an aro spec crisis one again as per usual and I think this actually might describe me so the feeling of relief in my is palpable. I already have a tonnnn of labels but OUGH this one fits so well so time to add it to the list maybee
Aro spec crisis just in time for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week!
Hopefully this was a bit useful to you and that you find yourself in a zone of stability soon 💚
@@ArtemisMunoz bcyhegcjyddg yep!
It was! Thank you :)
Hey! Thanks so much for your content! (: This is great and very helpful!!
I was wondering what's the difference between alterous and sensual attraction...?
What I have figured out yet is that sensual attraction kind of describes best what I'm feeling for a somebody. Also I stumbled across the term 'lush' as in a sensual crush.
Now TH-cam kindly introduced me to your Videos and ALTEROUS.
Your perspective quite nailed my struggles and I can relate so much! :D
Still there seems to be something more... intriguing (?) going on with sensuality and wanting to be close to that person in my case. (Sorry, words fall short here.) Maybe it's just a little more on the romantic side butt still alterous?
Can attraction be alterous and also sensual or would that be very sensually alterous? :'D
Are they more like synonyms or is the difference that not everybody experiences sensual attraction towars their mesh but usually 'lushes' can be called alterous or are just like a kind of mesh? Like an umbrella term?
There's so much to be figured out! Hahah still not sure what exactly 'romantic' is for most people. I love these spectrums ans how people care to describe their feelings!
Sensual attraction is a draw to someone based in the senses (touch, smell... etc)
Alterous attraction is a non-platonic non-romantic emotional attraction.
You 100% can feel both things. Just like people can have romantic partners AND friends at the same time. You could have meshes (alterous crushes) and lushes (a term you have just taught me, thanks :D) at the same time.
Good luck with working things out! Glad I could be slightly helpful :D
If I saw this video a few years ago you would have SAVED me, this has honestly been so helpful, thank you.
Is there an official flag for alterous people? If not, can I make some for the different categories (such as homo-alterous, bi-alterous, etc)?
Glad it was useful! The flag in the thumbnail is the original alterous flag by Alterous Albatross but other flags have been created too.
"My aro ass cannot for the life of me tell what romance is," is the most relatable statement I have ever heard.
🙃
This was cool and interesting .
Glad you enjoyed!
Thanks to your video, I understand myself a little bit more. I am an aromantic, asexual, homoplatonic, Demihomosensual, homoaesthetic homoalterous musician.😊. Thank you so much.
I'm a aroace lesbian and I had flirted with the term alterous attraction for some time put found that hyperplatonic fits much better, my pan hyperplatonic attration is very importante to me and so is my lesbian aesthetic attraction but unfortunately can't use the identities at the same time online (some people get really angry seeing the word "lesbian" to close to other identities they don't like), I hope in the future the SAM can be more accepted so I could be more open about my identity.
GIRL I ALREADY KNOW ALL ABOUT ALTEROUS ATTRACTION CAUSE I EXPERIENCE A HELL OF A LOT OF IT BUT I FOUND THIS VIDEO SO COOL AND FUNNY AND ENTERTAING AHHHH YOU JUST GET ME ALSO IM AN ORIENTED AROACE FROM AUSTRALIA AND WE SHOUKD TOTALLY BE FRIENDS AYYY
Hi hi. Glad I could help you feel seen. Just one thing, if you don't mind could you edit you're comment. I'm non-binary and so don't vibe to well with being called girl.
But super glad you enjoyed the video :D
them: confused?
me: ABSOLUTELY NOT THIS IS AMAZING
Just found out about this and it makes sense to me
Just got reccommended this video by youtube and realized that this is what I feel. I was always confused by my feelings towards others. I always knew that I wasn't straight because meshes were rare for me. I really didn't have the labels I needed as a child (only found out about aromanticism in freshman year and surprisingly asexuality after). I really wish I just knew all of this stuff from childhood so I would be less confused and make better decision. Also living in America is just terrifying (even though I live in a progressive state). Also I love your name I may snatch it as a Greek person lol.
Haha look as a non-Greek person I think I was the one who snatched it... #whoops
@@ArtemisMunoz tbh I don't care if a non-greek person uses a Greek name because they are very much gorgeous names! I only kinda get bothered when people focus on Greek mythology , wear bedsheets for togas/make them sexy, and ignore the rest of Greek culture lol.
I experience both queerplatonic crushes and alterous crushes (I don't like using those other terms like mesh and stuff because "crush" is a better well-known term) and I am not aromantic at all