Thank you so much for this! I've struggled with attraction for a long time thinking that I was asexual panromantic for so long before actually ending up in a 'romantic' relationship and it just feeling wrong. But I thought what I was feeling was romantic attraction because it wasn't completely platonic either. because I have meshes where I want to cuddle them and I enjoy being around them more then others and sometimes I wanna kiss them but I don't wanna be in a romantic relationship. I hope this made sense and sorry for such a long comment.
Aaa thank YOU! I relate to these feels deeply. I’m glad this film could resonate with you. Also with you there on the gender feels. The people who keep telling me that being non-binary isn’t a thing have yet to prove to me that gender isn’t completely fake so... *shrug*
Oh my God, it's called alterous! Thank you so much for this comment! I was struggling to understand what I feel for like 10 years. It's exactly like you've said! I want to spend a whole life near the person I love, but I don't want them being my spouse, my romantic partner, or even a best friend. I can easily trust them anything, I can cry from joy when I cuddle them, sometimes desperately want to kiss, and I'm absolutely OK, if someone else does the same with them. But I so worry to say to anyone, because people will think something dirty. I'm also an aroace and nonbinary. Hope we all will see a better world where everyone will say openly about their feelings!
This is me too. I thought even "dating" was the same way the other person was feeling until they told me that what THEY were feeling wasn't reciprocated when i didn't really realize that what they were talking about was romance. Them describing it to me didn't help me understand what they needed to see reflected in me. Even id'ing as arospec didn't help me understand until i found out about meshes bc i definitely felt like how ppl described platonic didn't work and also i had been in qpr's (queerplatonic relationships) and polycules & some of my paramours were even aromantic while others weren't. I could feel what i thought was "love but not in love" and some exes had to leave after i told them that bc they were in love & i just wasn't. BUT, my last Delta qpr (closed three‐person polyamory) worked bc my primary partner said they felt romantically but they didn't need it reciprocated You can actually turn a mesh into a qpr if your mesh is alloromantically attached to you, it's really possible. I didn't even know the term "alterous" yet, only that I'm aro and it still worked out. Some will be too hurt by an unreciprocated romance to continue as a qp partner, but others don't need reciprocation of romance to cuddle or even more than that (sensual, sexual) and even to close/make "exclusive" the companionship. Idk if it was only possible bc we were a "throuple" and our other partner did reciprocate the romance, but either way, this language ("alterous", mesh) would've made that conversation a lot easier for me bc i was really scared to tell them both.
You know what I’m starting to realise, is this is truly truly me. Like did anyone else want to tell your friends “I love you so much!” When leaving or saying goodbye, but you didn’t because you didn’t want to sound romantic? That’s me my whole life. All of the signs point to this and it’s crazy
Friendship CAN be wonderfully warm and fluffy but sometimes feelings can be more confusing than that. No matter what, I just encourage people to share their love in whatever form it takes :)
just saw this.... I shift between alterous, queerplatonic, and demi-ro depending on the relationship I have with the person, and it drives me absolutely nuts trying to define. But one thing all of them have in common. Love. Unconditional love. I'm not on the ace spectrum, but definitly on the aro spectrum.
@@ArtemisMunoz Yeah. I mean, it's rough though. I just got turned down on the first real romantic feelings I've had in 6 years less than a week ago. I do still love them, and I don't think I'll ever not. You throw all this on top of being trans and allopansexual and it's a complete mess. It's just nice to have words to put to how I feel like.... 80% of the time.
Holy shit. I can't believe how perfectly this captured the terrifying and confusing experiences of "crushes" (or "meshes", I suppose) that I've had. It's so... *liberating* to see that feeling portrayed by someone else.
This hit me right in the feels. I remember trying to have a conversation exactly like that many years ago; it did not go well because I didn't have the right words. Knowing other people experience attraction in this way makes me feel less alone. Great job increasing representation. There isn't much on the internet for how aroace people experience attraction, so this is really helpful.
ive struggled so long “confusing” romantic and platonic feelings,, always becoming so stressed, feeling like i have to chose one of them to describe a relationship and how it moves forward that id have so many panic attacks and mental spirals over how i felt about a person. i have only today learned about alterousity, and it just makes so much sense, in all ways. im so glad that ive finally found a word for the types of relationships i enjoy.
THANK YOU!!!!! i identify as aro and ace, and aros already have rly little representation. but at least there r a bunch of aro communities/pages online. BUT LITERALLY NO ONE TALKS ABOUT BEING/FEELING ALTEROUS ATTRACTION (well i suppose thats also bc its a microlabel, but still very little people talk about this, the main microlabels on the aro/ace spectrum that people talk about are quorio,lithro,grey,fray,demi). and after figuring out that i experience alterous attraction, sometimes i doubt myself/ feel alone - but not necessarily scared- its just cuz i cant find ppl who can relate.. i guess?) we finally have some representation 🖤 thank you so much :) it feels really nice to see representation online
Thank-you! I made this because I needed it out in the world and I’m glad it’s speaking to others too. (Also just thanks for this comment, I’ve been in a bit of a rut re: making videos so it’s good to remember that sometimes what I make can have an impact)
in terms of finding people who can relate, surprisingly enough, even before i watched this video, i found solace in the homestuck community of all places. i know homestuck is perceived as this cursed piece of media whose fans are all in-your-face and leave unsealed grey body paint on all the walls and swarm all the anime conventions, but it's clearly calmed down a LOT since 2012. specifically my favourite part of it is moirallegiance, which is basically a form of troll romance based on alterous attraction (the point of which is to have a mutually beneficial partnership where the moirails complement each other). honestly it's been really nice and i'm sorry to bring homestuck into an unassuming comment section, but tbh having read homestuck, engaging in fanfic and blogs such as moirallegic on tumblr has been really awesome for me personally.
What made this so helpful for me is for when i feel it's right time to come out as aro when it looks like a qpr is brewing with a friend, when that someone then becomes onr of my greysexual attractions stacked on top of qpr (or through a polycule), they get very confused if they're allosexual. They're like "okay but if you're aro, isn't what you're feeling just friendship and sexual attraction?" and i never knew what to say other than "It's more than that but it's not romantic", which i knew already from prior experience. I can imagine that some people would question both your aro & ace identity if you had a mesh on them. That sounds double stressful! I hope you have/find supportive ppl in your life :)
@@timberprospects Moirails always made more sense to me and how i feel for my "more than friends" ppl, much more than-literally-the feelings some of my Homestuckian mutuals would develop for each other. I was relating more to the trolls than my online friends after that drama lol. I thought it was just bc i found Homestuck later than most ppl and was misinterpreting the trolls' Quadrant system. Nope. I was hardcore relating to one quadrant but for me it wasn't metaphorical like some Homestuck fans would play with the Quadrant system. It was like finding the missing peace. It even helped me understand human romantic (flushed and non-trollian) stuff, by realizing that what i had already referred to as "aromantic significant otherness" was what the trolls would call pale redrom. If i were a troll, i'd call myself paleromantic lol, and i also relate on the blackrom side to auspisticism as the auspistice partner bc of polyamory where I'd be the only partner who was aro and could thus be a better mediator when my alloromantic partners in a polycule were too Flushed to communicate as well as they wanted to.
Thank you so much for this video! There should be more representation for non romantic/ sexual types of attraction, because people don't know they exist and when they feel something like that, they try to fit it into the friend or crush box, that's all (including me lol). Ahh, being aroace and understading what the hell you feel is confusing, but certainly wonderful to be able to feel it without judging yourself and thinking you should feel something else. Alterous attraction is personally my favourite type of love. Not clingy or dependent, like romantic love, but more than friendship, intense and deep. Thanks again!
someone online recommended this video to me and i'm so thankful i watched it. this has answered so many of my questions. i've always felt like something was wrong with me, or that i was emotionless/unworthy of love because my feelings were so 'weak' that i could never muster romantic or sexual feelings. now i know that's not the case. my feelings aren't weak -- they're strong in different ways that are just as valid and important. thank you so much for making this :')))
Aro-spec feelings are VALID AS HECK and I'm glad this video could get you closer to feeling that in yourself. I made this because I wanted to feel less alone and in many ways it has done that bc it's brought me many awesome people like yourself so... thank you for this comment :)
got the fattest alterous crush / mesh on my friend rn lmao im probably gonna send her this video at some point if you see this wish me luck unless its her reading this, in which case... i hope ive already told u myself...
i am so grateful i clicked on this video. recently i've been questioning for months if i felt romantic or alterous attraction for someone i was attracted to for a long time, and you really represented how i felt about him and made me realize that he was a mesh and not a crush. i've also been questioning if i'm aro ever since i've heard of the term, but because of him i was never really able to label myself as aro until i watched this. you really made such an impact in my life (like no joke) and you also made me cryyybfhdbdjfks 😭😭 thank you so so much for this, i wouldn't have come this far without you.
I found this short film thru your video on alterous attraction and srsly this just cleared so much stuff for me I've been in a relationship with my bf for 3 months now and I still couldn't figure out what it was, I felt horrible that I couldn't feel romantic feelings when I said I love him, I absolutely wanna stay with him my whole life but felt like I was cheating on him by not being able to love him romantically Your videos helped me in this alot I'm gonna tell him this when our exams are over, hope it goes well thank u so much🥺♥️
I know this was made over a year ago but, I can't express into words how this makes me feel. Its just feels so... true? I mean, theres 2 people that I'm around that just make me feel weird. It's not a crush cause I'm aro but i don't think it's a squish either cause i know them pretty well. It's like you wanna be around them but not necessarily touching them, just close. Idk, i just wanna be around them and ig just look at them and hear them speak. Aesthetic attraction maybe? It's just really confusing but having any crush-like feeling as an aro probably will be confusing. And it doesn't help i haven't come out to anyone i know irl yet😂
Solidarity my friend! I hope you find some contentedness amongst the confusion eventually- or perhaps like me you’ll grow to become content WITH the confusion 😜
this is both relatable and incredibly confusing :/ I definitely relate to some both I think it’s a mix of alterous and aromantic (I identify as bi aroace) irl “crushes” don’t feel platonic or romantic but I don’t think they fall into any other attraction categories or count as “squishes” so alterous makes sense definition wise but my experience also seems very different from the video one 😅 (there’s probably a spectrum tho). Ty for sharing ❤😵💫
Congratulations, you have brought me to tears. I want a relationship like this, emotional closeness without romantic or sexual expectations. Thank you a million times for making and posting this. ❤
I'm crying I've watched this on repeat and Im still crying Thank you so much, this truly changes everything for me, and I feel so... relieved I really believed that I was flawed, that I wasn't capable of feeling "genuine love" or to be loved at all, that maybe I was scared of committing to a relationship or something, and that felt so lonely and depressing... It's so nice to know that this is okay, that I am okay and... I don't know, just thank you for putting this out there, I'm sure it'll help so many people
Thank you for this! The definition of Alterous is a little different for me I think, but this video has given me much more clarity on how I felt and what I want from a relationship. Thank you so much!
i spent most of my teenage years confused about the way i experienced friendship and romance. the phone confession is exactly how ive ever felt about what I thought were crushes. thank you so much for making this
I had been trying to figure out the feelings I had for my childhood best friend for such a long long time, because that's the only person I've ever felt something different towards. It definitely couldn't be intimate attraction, because I'm a repulsed asexual and that's a thing I've always been certain of, but I've always been confused about what other type of attraction I could've been feeling. I considered it being romantic, demiromantic, aesthetic, etc. but none of those ever felt right. This video describes exactly what I had felt in such an accurate way, I got really sentimental as I watched it. The closest thing I found that fit me most before this was the feeling of wanting a queerplatonic relationship, and I still don't know what differences are between that and alterous attraction, but I feel like I'm one step closer to figuring myself out. Thank you so so much for making this short film, it helped me out a whole lot. I may show it to my family when the time is right
Thanks for giving this feeling a voice. And remember, it’s not just aro-spectrum people who feel this (although it’s common in the aro community)- I’m pansexual/panromantic but I also experience alterous attraction :>
I'm not sure if I'd call my experience "alterous" or not... I'd describe my feelings as "being in platonic love" with them... but this was EXACTLY what it was like to confess these intense non-sexual, non-romantic, feelings of love that equaled or even surpassed those I had for crushes and romantic partners. The fear of them misunderstanding your intent or being weirded out is REAL. Even more so when there's two of them, and they are dating each other. Like, I'm still amazed they heard me out and accepted my feelings. Heck it seems like they're... reciprocated? O_o. Still very new. Things DID change... but mostly in that I just feel like I have permission to say how I feel and express more physical touch. (I have sensual attraction to both of them too)
I'm a straight heterosexual male, but lately I've been experiencing issues with attraction or how I should be attracted to someone. I fall under the in-betweens of platonic and romantic, thinking if I can have both a friendship quality and a romance quality of a relationship. My mind doesn't care whatever attraction it is as long as I want that person. Hopefully I described my situation correctly as alterous.
It’s sad that anyone thinks there’s a “should” in how we’re allowed to relate to others. Whatever the words you decide to use for yourself, please feel reassured that you are not alone 💚
OMG! This helped me solved another piece of my puzzle! Thank you for making this, its such an amazing and powerful message that everyone should see! Thanks again from a fellow Aussie Ace :)
I know you already made a video where you mentioned the comments here talking about how validating this video is and stuff, but really this is just so validating for me. I’ve been struggling with coming to terms with being somewhere in the area of aroace because I feel like with how big people make romance and those sorts of relationships that it would be a burden on any future spouse of sorts for me to be aroace and I really don’t want to be a burden in that sort of way. I’m still trying to navigate through the concept that that mindset might not be totally true. But this video has described the feeling I feel toward a specific special person in my life, of whom I actually wrote a letter to earlier that I’m going to give her in the morning (because that’s how I communicate deeper feelings most effectively and it’s a means of communication close to my heart, plus who doesn’t love opening up a letter specifically for them, especially when it has a pretty wax seal), and in my writing I tried to express the way I care for her. Romantic definitely doesn’t feel right so I went with platonic because I don’t want to put her through a one sided romance relationship, that’s not going to be good for either of us. But platonic doesn’t feel quite right either. It didn’t occur to me that there could be something other than the boxes of labels assigned by society and media or whatever so I ended up going with platonic because that fits a little better than romantic I think?? And I’m still going to give the letter to her, but it’s also nice to have more of an explanation to give in the conversations that might follow. What a strange plane to be existing on. Thanks for existing here with me though. It’s nice to see other people where you’re at sometimes. Same thing when I discovered I was autistic and all of the little things I thought I was the only one to experience are actually not exclusive to me and there’s an entire community of people who understand what I’m dealing with. I know the internet’s got it’s fair share of thorns, but it’s worth it if people like me can learn all this amazing and validating stuff and feel like human people instead of weird alien creatures or something
Thank you so much for this!!! I found out about alterous attraction and meshes yesterday, and I think I can really relate to them. It’s still kind of vague to me, I think that’s the whole point heh, but I’m just really happy that there is someone who made a video about it. This is the only one I have found about the topic! So again, thank you! I’m still kind of confused about the difference between meshes and squishes, could you maybe explain? If not, that’s all right, too. I’m already happy that this exists. You have been wished a nice day :)
Oh thanks so much! And yeah, I suppose that is the point. I'm really surprised this is the only video out there. The TH-cam aspec community needs to up our game! The short answer to your question would be that meshes are alterous feels and squishes are platonic feels. To go much deeper than that though I'd probably end up writing an entire essay haha (maybe I should make a follow up video. 🤔)
Omg that's exactly how I feel! I've been struggling for months, thinking that I'm broken, but now I know that I'm not alone, it's so comforting. Thank you so much for this ❤ Btw, I'm ace 💜
Wow. Thank you for this. Since last year, i'm feeling something different for one of my friend and it drove me nuts trying to figure out what it was. At some point, I was telling people i had a crush on her but it didn't feel right. I think i was saying that just to look normal to others because while everyone around me is having sexual and/or romantic relationship or at least crushes, i don't have any of that. Im so confused but this helped me figure out some of my feelings.
Wow so amazing, love it! Ready for tangent in 3... 2... 1...: I really wish I wouldve seen this earlier in my life because im in a romantic relationship now that just.. i feel so bad becuase im starting to question what romance even is ;
Thank you for this. Putting words to this feeling has put a strain on a lot in my life and this video allows an explanation for my jumble of emotions. Thank you 💕
So yeah. This had me tearing up. I wish I had a word for this fifteen years ago. It would have saved me a lot of frustration and confusion. Thanks so, so much for making this and spreading awareness. ❤❤❤
Omg this makes so much sense. Like I've had crushes on people but i described my crushes as weak? Because i cared deeply about these peple and I still do, but I dont feel any urgency or need to do anything about it, like I don't get flustered or find them hard to talk to or hang out with because of my feelings. I've identified as aro but I have had feelings for people for months so I thought that there must be something else there? But then I got into a romantic relationship with someone that I had feelings for and it wasn't right for me I didn't enjoy it and I stressed me out so I ended it. However I was the one who asked them out in the first place and I feel like my atraction varies so maybe I could be aroflux idk aye. But for awhile now I've had really strong feelings for my best freind, I want to hold them and for us to be comited to each other and for a long time I thought it might be love but they have a romantic partner and their relationship makes both of them very happy so I didn't want to make that awkward (the other person in the romantic relationship I am also very good freinds with lol). Thank you for giving me some clarity beacuse it is alrerous atraction that I feel for my best freind and maybe I'll be able to open up about it to them now that I understand it a bit more. Great video :)
I don't know that you'll see my comment, but I wanted to sincerely say thank you for making this. I felt very emotional watching it because I have never seen anything that came so close to expressing the strongest feelings I've had for others. I have spent a lot of time feeling like a fraud when it comes to feelings that didn't fit any box I was given (despite knowing that not everything has to fit into one). What you've made here is so simple but so powerful.
I normally feel like it‘s totally ok for me to not label myself but sometimes I just want to know who I am and today I felt like this and I spend the last two hours making these quizzes online and looking for definitions of sexualities. And now I think I know this feeling described in this video but I just feel like I love all of my close friends like this. And I‘m really confused right now but at least I learned about another kind of attraction.
Well this perfectly describes what I've been trying to sort out regarding my close friend. I def want to be more than friends but also am okay being close friend but also want to be more than friends. ugh.
Thank you for this, this is very educational especially since I never knew what alterous attraction is but i came over from your video where you explained it!
I wish I found this video two weeks ago because this would have helped me explain what I couldn't explain to a dear friend of mine. I just can't put into words what it is and this video captures the entire essence right down to like the entire line of thinking I went through over the years. It's not a normal friendship feeling but it's not like I see them as a sibling either? But I've also never been able to understand romantic gestures or relationships (friendships are hard enough as is) and when I realized that wasn't what it was it was incredibly alienating. It's scary and, at least for me, I found the feeling never goes away. Unlike how people get over crushes through rejection, this doesn't have a clear cut line and boundary and I'm pretty sure I just confused them all the more. I am curious though, does anyone else who experience this become incredibly anxious thinking about talking to them but as soon as you do it's like said anxiety is alleviated? That's the telltale factor that always screamed different from how people describe crushes. The anxiety is only there if I'm not talking to them but I'm weirdly relaxed and comfortable if we do talk. Anyway thank you for making the short film and sharing your subjective experience with these feelings. This really helped me think clearly. Whether or not I explain this eventually to said person.... Probably not unless they bring up my weird message, but it's good to finally have some concrete to explain the absolute mental and emotional rollercoaster it has been.
To me, I see this as a really deep friendship, but with the same kind of formal announcement that we associate with romantic partners in our amatonormative society. "Better is open shame, than hidden love." If you both want the same thing, it's for the best. Commitment is a powerful thing. Demi/altreous/platonic love and affection are a thing. Love always wins. May I also suggest Mesh as a verb? "Let's mesh". It would make these conversations so much easier. Love and peace.
If thinking about things and framing things that way then go for it. May not be the same for others (especially re: commitment) but do what works for you and your relationships :D
Wow this describes exactly how I feel about one of my friends. I knew alterous attraction existed but never really understood it until now. Anyway I really appreciate you creating this!
How do I find someone who also wants a mesh to try things out with and see if we can try out an alterous relationship and it works out? I want someone to cuddle with and maybe kiss on the cheek and hug and hold and in the future adopt kids with and someone I can share most everything with. I don't think I know what romance is for me. I don't think I care for typical romance. I'm tearing up a bit but I think, I think I know what I want in life now. I think I've always known deep down but I was scared. I love the idea of romance but I've never felt it. I just want someone to spend the rest of my life with one day. Thank you. Sorry if it's a bit long.
It’s hard to say how you find someone who wants exactly this - QPR is the closest well-known term that fits a similar dynamic (though with a different attraction type). Perhaps you could use that as a baseline and then explain the nuances and see if people are still interested?
I don't experience this, but I find it fun and interesting to learn about the different things people go through. For people who relate to this, I have a question. Can you experience alterous attraction while feeling other attractions too? Like if you are ace could you feel alterous and romantic attraction at the same time and to the same person? Or is it strictly an aro-ace attraction?
I am personally gray aro and gray ace, so I do sometimes experience romantic/sexual attraction, but I also experience alterous attraction. Although alterous attraction is more well known in the aroace community, it is for anyone. Anyone can have alterous attraction, even people who aren’t aro/ace. ~~~ You might also might mean can you be romantically and alterously attracted to someone. It really depends on the individuals definition of alterous attraction. I have heard of some people who have had alterous and romantic attraction to the same person and defined alterous as completely separate from romantic and platonic. For me, I can’t be romantically and alterously attracted to one person because my alterous attraction is a both distinctly different and a combination of romantic and platonic. So if I did experience romantic and alterous attraction towards the same person, it’s because it’s fluctuating between platonic, alterous, and romantic. Some people might feel their alterous attraction like a different primary color from platonic or romantic. Like alterous is blue, platonic is yellow, and romantic is red. Then they could feel like a secondary color, a combination of the two. So they could feel purple towards someone, a combination of alterous and romantic. Or they could even feel both red and blue instead of all purple. Some people might feel their alterous attraction like a gradient between yellow and red. Platonic is yellow, romantic is red, and anything orange is alterous. Technically that shade is more red then the other shade, but it’s still orange none the less. Every shade in the gradient is technically orange alterous except for the 100% yellow platonic and 100% red romantic. But like I said, from my experience, it’s more like the gradient thing. And although orange alterous is always a combination of yellow platonic and red romantic, it’s always it’s own separate color, orange. My attraction to that person might slide on that gradient, but it’s still orange. Idk if that helped or made it harder, sorry. Hope it could maybe help!
Thank you for this. Have been on a 5ish hour rabbit hole exploring exactly this inner turmoil. Found a link to your vid on a discussion about alterous attraction. I'm aro-allo and also consider myself solo poly. but I've developed a desire for a deeper non-sexual relationship with some recent partners. I've been super frustrated w the definitions of "romantic love." I want to do traditionally romantic things and take care of them, but I don't resonate w any way friends describe romantic love
This was beautiful. Thank you for putting your art out into the world. Theres not a lot of insight into non conventional love, so this was wonderful and emotional to see💟💟
When you've had your share of queerplatonic moirails (♦️) AND been the auspisticous (♣️) aromantic member (☘️) of a few polycules (🟦π🟥), but never felt flushed red (❤️) romance. If i were on another planet, possibly one inhabited by trolls, i wouldn't be considered aro, but for human purposes, "polyalterous aromantic" works great. I loved all my meshes.
Honestly I'm scared he would leave me if I send him this video, I don't want him to go I really love him, I'm not in love but I love him. Why is this so hard? God I wish I was normal.
You are normal! Our restrictive way of thinking about love and relationships is the problem, not you. If you don’t want to send him this video maybe just have a chat to him about what you wish your relationship could look like?
I watched this video yesterday and it felt so real. Finally, something that I could relate to. I've got a question. Is it moral to befriend your alterous attraction without telling them? Isn't it basically using them as a machine for dopamine without them knowing? Also, is it a good idea to confess just to be real with them about my feelings?
People can often be attracted to people in various ways and not tell them. It's up to you what you feel is right for your relationships. Sometimes sharing can be cathartic and can help evolve your relationship in other ways - other times it could be far less of a positive. It's up to you to weigh the pros and cons and ultimately decide what you want to do. In any case, if someone cannot reciprocate your feelings, that's not something they can control. Good luck whatever you decide to do!
I think people can define it, I can do stuff with people with people I love romantically and do the same things with people I love platonically, it depends
So I think I understand this please tell me if I'm wrong. You like/love someone more than a friend but in a non sexual way? You have this emensly deep care/affection for them, you want to be around them a lot. You are fine with them dating other people cause that's not what you want from them. I call that chosen family.
The phrase “more than a friend” is misleading bc sometimes friendship can be the deepest relationship someone has. It’s more that it’s different to friendship. Regardless, call your people what it helps you to call them.
You don’t have to ignore it if that wouldn’t be good for you. You can always tell them if that feels like the right thing to do. Communication is good and healthy.
If you haven't watched my Alterous Attraction video, I go through an excercise in it that may help give you clarity? Emphasis on the MAY. Unfortunately it's a hard thing to define for someone else as it's so tied to what we as individuals read as romantic/platonic...etc Wishing you the best of luck in working it out!
i identify with both words. Queerplatonic for me is someone who doesn't even have to be a friend (but can be), we can cuddle and hang out but it's definitely queer. I'm non‐binary but being that i was AMAB, when dudes (cis or trans) aren't even a friend but are cuddling with my aromantic ass, that alone is queer and platonic and it is for them too. I would say alterous can fall under QP as well, but some ppl identify as one rather than the other, while i feel like queerplatonic covers the above case (literally queer and platonic at the same time) AND covers what alterous means to me as well, which is like if you took Best Friend feelz but made it QP, and it also activates my greysexual side like nothing else can with ppl I'm not usually sexually attracted to, so "demisexual aromantic" never worked for me by itself. So if alterous queerplatonic stuff is the type of significant feeling that can trigger sexual attraction in ppl I'm not usually attracted to, the other type of QP attraction (the one without alterous attraction) is all that i personally need to feel before wanting to have sex with ppl I'm usually attracted to (men, masculine, androgynous and masc‐aligned ppl). I also can't NOT be **close friends"* with my alterous QP partners, but i can be just casual friends or even acquaintances with my not‐alterous QP partners. I would also use different language for one ("mesh" which could develop into "aro‐significant companionate devotion") and make things exclusive or closed‐poly in some cases if theyre okay with that, and use different language for non‐alterous QP (i just use whatever language is already being used based on whether we're friends or not, and if it's not really casual but also not merely "activity buddies" or "acquaintances", sometimes we'll talk about "defining" it is QPR and sometimes not).
Thank you so much for this! I've struggled with attraction for a long time thinking that I was asexual panromantic for so long before actually ending up in a 'romantic' relationship and it just feeling wrong. But I thought what I was feeling was romantic attraction because it wasn't completely platonic either. because I have meshes where I want to cuddle them and I enjoy being around them more then others and sometimes I wanna kiss them but I don't wanna be in a romantic relationship. I hope this made sense and sorry for such a long comment.
I'm also Non-binary agender so my whole life is basically a mess of confusion and identity crisis' lol
Aaa thank YOU! I relate to these feels deeply. I’m glad this film could resonate with you. Also with you there on the gender feels. The people who keep telling me that being non-binary isn’t a thing have yet to prove to me that gender isn’t completely fake so... *shrug*
THATS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL
Oh my God, it's called alterous!
Thank you so much for this comment! I was struggling to understand what I feel for like 10 years. It's exactly like you've said! I want to spend a whole life near the person I love, but I don't want them being my spouse, my romantic partner, or even a best friend. I can easily trust them anything, I can cry from joy when I cuddle them, sometimes desperately want to kiss, and I'm absolutely OK, if someone else does the same with them. But I so worry to say to anyone, because people will think something dirty.
I'm also an aroace and nonbinary.
Hope we all will see a better world where everyone will say openly about their feelings!
This is me too. I thought even "dating" was the same way the other person was feeling until they told me that what THEY were feeling wasn't reciprocated when i didn't really realize that what they were talking about was romance. Them describing it to me didn't help me understand what they needed to see reflected in me.
Even id'ing as arospec didn't help me understand until i found out about meshes bc i definitely felt like how ppl described platonic didn't work and also i had been in qpr's (queerplatonic relationships) and polycules & some of my paramours were even aromantic while others weren't.
I could feel what i thought was "love but not in love" and some exes had to leave after i told them that bc they were in love & i just wasn't.
BUT, my last Delta qpr (closed three‐person polyamory) worked bc my primary partner said they felt romantically but they didn't need it reciprocated
You can actually turn a mesh into a qpr if your mesh is alloromantically attached to you, it's really possible. I didn't even know the term "alterous" yet, only that I'm aro and it still worked out. Some will be too hurt by an unreciprocated romance to continue as a qp partner, but others don't need reciprocation of romance to cuddle or even more than that (sensual, sexual) and even to close/make "exclusive" the companionship.
Idk if it was only possible bc we were a "throuple" and our other partner did reciprocate the romance, but either way, this language ("alterous", mesh) would've made that conversation a lot easier for me bc i was really scared to tell them both.
You know what I’m starting to realise, is this is truly truly me. Like did anyone else want to tell your friends “I love you so much!” When leaving or saying goodbye, but you didn’t because you didn’t want to sound romantic? That’s me my whole life. All of the signs point to this and it’s crazy
I've been feeling this for a long time, but, I always accepted it as what a really good friendship is supposed to feel like. Warm and fluffy.
Friendship CAN be wonderfully warm and fluffy but sometimes feelings can be more confusing than that. No matter what, I just encourage people to share their love in whatever form it takes :)
just saw this.... I shift between alterous, queerplatonic, and demi-ro depending on the relationship I have with the person, and it drives me absolutely nuts trying to define. But one thing all of them have in common. Love. Unconditional love. I'm not on the ace spectrum, but definitly on the aro spectrum.
Yesss! 100% Love your peeps however it is you love them ♥
@@ArtemisMunoz Yeah. I mean, it's rough though. I just got turned down on the first real romantic feelings I've had in 6 years less than a week ago. I do still love them, and I don't think I'll ever not. You throw all this on top of being trans and allopansexual and it's a complete mess.
It's just nice to have words to put to how I feel like.... 80% of the time.
Yeah that's tough. Sending all of the best vibes your way ♥
Holy shit.
I can't believe how perfectly this captured the terrifying and confusing experiences of "crushes" (or "meshes", I suppose) that I've had.
It's so... *liberating* to see that feeling portrayed by someone else.
This hit me right in the feels. I remember trying to have a conversation exactly like that many years ago; it did not go well because I didn't have the right words. Knowing other people experience attraction in this way makes me feel less alone.
Great job increasing representation. There isn't much on the internet for how aroace people experience attraction, so this is really helpful.
This is exactly why I made this. So people would know they weren't alone. Glad it's serving its purpose
ive struggled so long “confusing” romantic and platonic feelings,, always becoming so stressed, feeling like i have to chose one of them to describe a relationship and how it moves forward that id have so many panic attacks and mental spirals over how i felt about a person. i have only today learned about alterousity, and it just makes so much sense, in all ways. im so glad that ive finally found a word for the types of relationships i enjoy.
THANK YOU!!!!!
i identify as aro and ace, and aros already have rly little representation. but at least there r a bunch of aro communities/pages online. BUT LITERALLY NO ONE TALKS ABOUT BEING/FEELING ALTEROUS ATTRACTION (well i suppose thats also bc its a microlabel, but still very little people talk about this, the main microlabels on the aro/ace spectrum that people talk about are quorio,lithro,grey,fray,demi).
and after figuring out that i experience alterous attraction, sometimes i doubt myself/ feel alone - but not necessarily scared- its just cuz i cant find ppl who can relate.. i guess?)
we finally have some representation 🖤 thank you so much :) it feels really nice to see representation online
Thank-you! I made this because I needed it out in the world and I’m glad it’s speaking to others too.
(Also just thanks for this comment, I’ve been in a bit of a rut re: making videos so it’s good to remember that sometimes what I make can have an impact)
in terms of finding people who can relate, surprisingly enough, even before i watched this video, i found solace in the homestuck community of all places. i know homestuck is perceived as this cursed piece of media whose fans are all in-your-face and leave unsealed grey body paint on all the walls and swarm all the anime conventions, but it's clearly calmed down a LOT since 2012. specifically my favourite part of it is moirallegiance, which is basically a form of troll romance based on alterous attraction (the point of which is to have a mutually beneficial partnership where the moirails complement each other). honestly it's been really nice and i'm sorry to bring homestuck into an unassuming comment section, but tbh having read homestuck, engaging in fanfic and blogs such as moirallegic on tumblr has been really awesome for me personally.
What made this so helpful for me is for when i feel it's right time to come out as aro when it looks like a qpr is brewing with a friend, when that someone then becomes onr of my greysexual attractions stacked on top of qpr (or through a polycule), they get very confused if they're allosexual.
They're like "okay but if you're aro, isn't what you're feeling just friendship and sexual attraction?" and i never knew what to say other than "It's more than that but it's not romantic", which i knew already from prior experience.
I can imagine that some people would question both your aro & ace identity if you had a mesh on them. That sounds double stressful! I hope you have/find supportive ppl in your life :)
@@timberprospects Moirails always made more sense to me and how i feel for my "more than friends" ppl, much more than-literally-the feelings some of my Homestuckian mutuals would develop for each other.
I was relating more to the trolls than my online friends after that drama lol. I thought it was just bc i found Homestuck later than most ppl and was misinterpreting the trolls' Quadrant system.
Nope. I was hardcore relating to one quadrant but for me it wasn't metaphorical like some Homestuck fans would play with the Quadrant system. It was like finding the missing peace.
It even helped me understand human romantic (flushed and non-trollian) stuff, by realizing that what i had already referred to as "aromantic significant otherness" was what the trolls would call pale redrom. If i were a troll, i'd call myself paleromantic lol, and i also relate on the blackrom side to auspisticism as the auspistice partner bc of polyamory where I'd be the only partner who was aro and could thus be a better mediator when my alloromantic partners in a polycule were too Flushed to communicate as well as they wanted to.
@@kerycktotebag8164 SAME OH MY GOD
Thank you so much for this video! There should be more representation for non romantic/ sexual types of attraction, because people don't know they exist and when they feel something like that, they try to fit it into the friend or crush box, that's all (including me lol). Ahh, being aroace and understading what the hell you feel is confusing, but certainly wonderful to be able to feel it without judging yourself and thinking you should feel something else. Alterous attraction is personally my favourite type of love. Not clingy or dependent, like romantic love, but more than friendship, intense and deep. Thanks again!
thank you for this. been struggling coming to accept the "aro" of my aroace bit, being a hopeless romantic by nature. you're totally saving me here!
I have a friend who wanted to explain what she had been feeling recently and this video did a great job in doing so . Thank you so much
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for watching :)
someone online recommended this video to me and i'm so thankful i watched it. this has answered so many of my questions. i've always felt like something was wrong with me, or that i was emotionless/unworthy of love because my feelings were so 'weak' that i could never muster romantic or sexual feelings. now i know that's not the case. my feelings aren't weak -- they're strong in different ways that are just as valid and important. thank you so much for making this :')))
Aro-spec feelings are VALID AS HECK and I'm glad this video could get you closer to feeling that in yourself.
I made this because I wanted to feel less alone and in many ways it has done that bc it's brought me many awesome people like yourself so... thank you for this comment :)
Of course they're valid!!!!! 🎉 You're so valid!
oh my- this is so accurate I wanna cry
* passes tissues *
Same here!
got the fattest alterous crush / mesh on my friend rn lmao
im probably gonna send her this video at some point
if you see this wish me luck
unless its her reading this, in which case... i hope ive already told u myself...
I found it. I found it! I finally found the right term.
i am so grateful i clicked on this video. recently i've been questioning for months if i felt romantic or alterous attraction for someone i was attracted to for a long time, and you really represented how i felt about him and made me realize that he was a mesh and not a crush. i've also been questioning if i'm aro ever since i've heard of the term, but because of him i was never really able to label myself as aro until i watched this. you really made such an impact in my life (like no joke) and you also made me cryyybfhdbdjfks 😭😭 thank you so so much for this, i wouldn't have come this far without you.
Ahhh this comment made me cry. I'm so glad I could be of help 💜
I found this short film thru your video on alterous attraction and srsly this just cleared so much stuff for me
I've been in a relationship with my bf for 3 months now and I still couldn't figure out what it was, I felt horrible that I couldn't feel romantic feelings when I said I love him, I absolutely wanna stay with him my whole life but felt like I was cheating on him by not being able to love him romantically
Your videos helped me in this alot
I'm gonna tell him this when our exams are over, hope it goes well
thank u so much🥺♥️
Glad I could help! And good luck with telling him :D
omg, this confirms it for me
I'm definitely oriented aroace lol
and I relate to this short film
I know this was made over a year ago but, I can't express into words how this makes me feel. Its just feels so... true? I mean, theres 2 people that I'm around that just make me feel weird. It's not a crush cause I'm aro but i don't think it's a squish either cause i know them pretty well. It's like you wanna be around them but not necessarily touching them, just close. Idk, i just wanna be around them and ig just look at them and hear them speak. Aesthetic attraction maybe? It's just really confusing but having any crush-like feeling as an aro probably will be confusing. And it doesn't help i haven't come out to anyone i know irl yet😂
Solidarity my friend! I hope you find some contentedness amongst the confusion eventually- or perhaps like me you’ll grow to become content WITH the confusion 😜
this is both relatable and incredibly confusing :/ I definitely relate to some both I think it’s a mix of alterous and aromantic (I identify as bi aroace) irl “crushes” don’t feel platonic or romantic but I don’t think they fall into any other attraction categories or count as “squishes” so alterous makes sense definition wise but my experience also seems very different from the video one 😅 (there’s probably a spectrum tho). Ty for sharing ❤😵💫
Congratulations, you have brought me to tears. I want a relationship like this, emotional closeness without romantic or sexual expectations. Thank you a million times for making and posting this. ❤
I'm crying
I've watched this on repeat and Im still crying
Thank you so much, this truly changes everything for me, and I feel so... relieved
I really believed that I was flawed, that I wasn't capable of feeling "genuine love" or to be loved at all, that maybe I was scared of committing to a relationship or something, and that felt so lonely and depressing...
It's so nice to know that this is okay, that I am okay and... I don't know, just thank you for putting this out there, I'm sure it'll help so many people
I’m so glad this found you when you needed it. I hope you can look around at the comments and feel re-assured that you aren’t alone 💚
Thank you for this! The definition of Alterous is a little different for me I think, but this video has given me much more clarity on how I felt and what I want from a relationship. Thank you so much!
Thankyou
i spent most of my teenage years confused about the way i experienced friendship and romance. the phone confession is exactly how ive ever felt about what I thought were crushes. thank you so much for making this
I had been trying to figure out the feelings I had for my childhood best friend for such a long long time, because that's the only person I've ever felt something different towards. It definitely couldn't be intimate attraction, because I'm a repulsed asexual and that's a thing I've always been certain of, but I've always been confused about what other type of attraction I could've been feeling. I considered it being romantic, demiromantic, aesthetic, etc. but none of those ever felt right. This video describes exactly what I had felt in such an accurate way, I got really sentimental as I watched it. The closest thing I found that fit me most before this was the feeling of wanting a queerplatonic relationship, and I still don't know what differences are between that and alterous attraction, but I feel like I'm one step closer to figuring myself out. Thank you so so much for making this short film, it helped me out a whole lot. I may show it to my family when the time is right
THANK YOU! this is amazing and helps so much, it's so confusing like someone strongly but not romantic or platonic, just thank you :))
You are so welcome! Glad I could make something that resonated with you. Representation matters, hey? 😊
@@ArtemisMunoz Yes of course :D
Heheh I platonically love a person ^^ ❤️❤️❤️ excited to be around them, thinking about them a lot, I love them sooo much but platonically ❤️❤️❤️
And the best part is they feel the same ^^ which makes me so happy
Thanks for giving this feeling a voice. And remember, it’s not just aro-spectrum people who feel this (although it’s common in the aro community)- I’m pansexual/panromantic but I also experience alterous attraction :>
100%
Sorry if I did anything that implied this was an aro-spec only thing. If I did, that was not intentional.
@@ArtemisMunoz Ohh dw, ty for making it clear
I'm not sure if I'd call my experience "alterous" or not... I'd describe my feelings as "being in platonic love" with them... but this was EXACTLY what it was like to confess these intense non-sexual, non-romantic, feelings of love that equaled or even surpassed those I had for crushes and romantic partners. The fear of them misunderstanding your intent or being weirded out is REAL. Even more so when there's two of them, and they are dating each other. Like, I'm still amazed they heard me out and accepted my feelings. Heck it seems like they're... reciprocated? O_o.
Still very new. Things DID change... but mostly in that I just feel like I have permission to say how I feel and express more physical touch. (I have sensual attraction to both of them too)
I'm a straight heterosexual male, but lately I've been experiencing issues with attraction or how I should be attracted to someone. I fall under the in-betweens of platonic and romantic, thinking if I can have both a friendship quality and a romance quality of a relationship. My mind doesn't care whatever attraction it is as long as I want that person. Hopefully I described my situation correctly as alterous.
It’s sad that anyone thinks there’s a “should” in how we’re allowed to relate to others.
Whatever the words you decide to use for yourself, please feel reassured that you are not alone 💚
OMG! This helped me solved another piece of my puzzle! Thank you for making this, its such an amazing and powerful message that everyone should see! Thanks again from a fellow Aussie Ace :)
Yay! Glad to be of help :)
Did you find me through Aussie Ace Week shenanigans or is it just a co-incidence that the internet brought you here?
@@ArtemisMunoz it was actually a coincidence that I found you and your channel, so I'm very happy I found it! :)
I know you already made a video where you mentioned the comments here talking about how validating this video is and stuff, but really this is just so validating for me. I’ve been struggling with coming to terms with being somewhere in the area of aroace because I feel like with how big people make romance and those sorts of relationships that it would be a burden on any future spouse of sorts for me to be aroace and I really don’t want to be a burden in that sort of way. I’m still trying to navigate through the concept that that mindset might not be totally true. But this video has described the feeling I feel toward a specific special person in my life, of whom I actually wrote a letter to earlier that I’m going to give her in the morning (because that’s how I communicate deeper feelings most effectively and it’s a means of communication close to my heart, plus who doesn’t love opening up a letter specifically for them, especially when it has a pretty wax seal), and in my writing I tried to express the way I care for her. Romantic definitely doesn’t feel right so I went with platonic because I don’t want to put her through a one sided romance relationship, that’s not going to be good for either of us. But platonic doesn’t feel quite right either. It didn’t occur to me that there could be something other than the boxes of labels assigned by society and media or whatever so I ended up going with platonic because that fits a little better than romantic I think?? And I’m still going to give the letter to her, but it’s also nice to have more of an explanation to give in the conversations that might follow.
What a strange plane to be existing on.
Thanks for existing here with me though. It’s nice to see other people where you’re at sometimes. Same thing when I discovered I was autistic and all of the little things I thought I was the only one to experience are actually not exclusive to me and there’s an entire community of people who understand what I’m dealing with.
I know the internet’s got it’s fair share of thorns, but it’s worth it if people like me can learn all this amazing and validating stuff and feel like human people instead of weird alien creatures or something
So glad I was able to help. I too have benefited so much from seeing that there are others out there like me. Aspec and Autistic solidarity!
Commenting as an aroace!!!!! We need more representation!!!! Thanks for making this!!!🎉
Thank you so much for this!!! I found out about alterous attraction and meshes yesterday, and I think I can really relate to them. It’s still kind of vague to me, I think that’s the whole point heh, but I’m just really happy that there is someone who made a video about it. This is the only one I have found about the topic! So again, thank you!
I’m still kind of confused about the difference between meshes and squishes, could you maybe explain? If not, that’s all right, too. I’m already happy that this exists.
You have been wished a nice day :)
Oh thanks so much! And yeah, I suppose that is the point.
I'm really surprised this is the only video out there. The TH-cam aspec community needs to up our game!
The short answer to your question would be that meshes are alterous feels and squishes are platonic feels. To go much deeper than that though I'd probably end up writing an entire essay haha (maybe I should make a follow up video. 🤔)
Omg that's exactly how I feel! I've been struggling for months, thinking that I'm broken, but now I know that I'm not alone, it's so comforting. Thank you so much for this ❤
Btw, I'm ace 💜
Grateful I could help!
Wow. Thank you for this. Since last year, i'm feeling something different for one of my friend and it drove me nuts trying to figure out what it was. At some point, I was telling people i had a crush on her but it didn't feel right. I think i was saying that just to look normal to others because while everyone around me is having sexual and/or romantic relationship or at least crushes, i don't have any of that. Im so confused but this helped me figure out some of my feelings.
Wow, this is beautiful. Really wonderful job.
Wow so amazing, love it!
Ready for tangent in 3... 2... 1...:
I really wish I wouldve seen this earlier in my life because im in a romantic relationship now that just.. i feel so bad becuase im starting to question what romance even is ;
oh my god words can't describe how happy i am too see this video. i'm crying so much, thank u, thank u, thank u!!!
Glad I could help 💜
I just confessed that I was feeling something like this to my friend. They also are aroace. Apparently they feel the same
Thank you for this. Putting words to this feeling has put a strain on a lot in my life and this video allows an explanation for my jumble of emotions. Thank you 💕
Glad I could help ❤️
So yeah. This had me tearing up. I wish I had a word for this fifteen years ago. It would have saved me a lot of frustration and confusion. Thanks so, so much for making this and spreading awareness. ❤❤❤
Omg this makes so much sense. Like I've had crushes on people but i described my crushes as weak? Because i cared deeply about these peple and I still do, but I dont feel any urgency or need to do anything about it, like I don't get flustered or find them hard to talk to or hang out with because of my feelings. I've identified as aro but I have had feelings for people for months so I thought that there must be something else there? But then I got into a romantic relationship with someone that I had feelings for and it wasn't right for me I didn't enjoy it and I stressed me out so I ended it. However I was the one who asked them out in the first place and I feel like my atraction varies so maybe I could be aroflux idk aye.
But for awhile now I've had really strong feelings for my best freind, I want to hold them and for us to be comited to each other and for a long time I thought it might be love but they have a romantic partner and their relationship makes both of them very happy so I didn't want to make that awkward (the other person in the romantic relationship I am also very good freinds with lol). Thank you for giving me some clarity beacuse it is alrerous atraction that I feel for my best freind and maybe I'll be able to open up about it to them now that I understand it a bit more. Great video :)
I don't know that you'll see my comment, but I wanted to sincerely say thank you for making this. I felt very emotional watching it because I have never seen anything that came so close to expressing the strongest feelings I've had for others. I have spent a lot of time feeling like a fraud when it comes to feelings that didn't fit any box I was given (despite knowing that not everything has to fit into one). What you've made here is so simple but so powerful.
I normally feel like it‘s totally ok for me to not label myself but sometimes I just want to know who I am and today I felt like this and I spend the last two hours making these quizzes online and looking for definitions of sexualities.
And now I think I know this feeling described in this video but I just feel like I love all of my close friends like this. And I‘m really confused right now but at least I learned about another kind of attraction.
Being confused is okay! Hopefully you land somewhere that brings you contentedness soon 😊
@@ArtemisMunoz thank you🥰 and I‘m sure I will
Finally words!
Glad I could be of assistance
Well this perfectly describes what I've been trying to sort out regarding my close friend. I def want to be more than friends but also am okay being close friend but also want to be more than friends. ugh.
this is a beautiful film!! great job!!
Thanks! Glad you liked it :)
Thank you for this, this is very educational especially since I never knew what alterous attraction is but i came over from your video where you explained it!
Thank you so much! This is what I have been feeling for such a long time! And now I understand it! Thank You!
I wish I found this video two weeks ago because this would have helped me explain what I couldn't explain to a dear friend of mine. I just can't put into words what it is and this video captures the entire essence right down to like the entire line of thinking I went through over the years. It's not a normal friendship feeling but it's not like I see them as a sibling either? But I've also never been able to understand romantic gestures or relationships (friendships are hard enough as is) and when I realized that wasn't what it was it was incredibly alienating. It's scary and, at least for me, I found the feeling never goes away. Unlike how people get over crushes through rejection, this doesn't have a clear cut line and boundary and I'm pretty sure I just confused them all the more. I am curious though, does anyone else who experience this become incredibly anxious thinking about talking to them but as soon as you do it's like said anxiety is alleviated? That's the telltale factor that always screamed different from how people describe crushes. The anxiety is only there if I'm not talking to them but I'm weirdly relaxed and comfortable if we do talk.
Anyway thank you for making the short film and sharing your subjective experience with these feelings. This really helped me think clearly. Whether or not I explain this eventually to said person.... Probably not unless they bring up my weird message, but it's good to finally have some concrete to explain the absolute mental and emotional rollercoaster it has been.
I just cried watching this ❤️🩹 TYSM
This is exactly how it goes, oh Gosh-
To me, I see this as a really deep friendship, but with the same kind of formal announcement that we associate with romantic partners in our amatonormative society.
"Better is open shame, than hidden love."
If you both want the same thing, it's for the best. Commitment is a powerful thing. Demi/altreous/platonic love and affection are a thing. Love always wins.
May I also suggest Mesh as a verb? "Let's mesh". It would make these conversations so much easier. Love and peace.
If thinking about things and framing things that way then go for it.
May not be the same for others (especially re: commitment) but do what works for you and your relationships :D
Wow this describes exactly how I feel about one of my friends. I knew alterous attraction existed but never really understood it until now. Anyway I really appreciate you creating this!
Aw man this made me tear up. Thanks for making something that so perfectly reflects something I’ve never quite known how to describe
How do I find someone who also wants a mesh to try things out with and see if we can try out an alterous relationship and it works out? I want someone to cuddle with and maybe kiss on the cheek and hug and hold and in the future adopt kids with and someone I can share most everything with. I don't think I know what romance is for me. I don't think I care for typical romance. I'm tearing up a bit but I think, I think I know what I want in life now. I think I've always known deep down but I was scared. I love the idea of romance but I've never felt it. I just want someone to spend the rest of my life with one day.
Thank you. Sorry if it's a bit long.
It’s hard to say how you find someone who wants exactly this - QPR is the closest well-known term that fits a similar dynamic (though with a different attraction type). Perhaps you could use that as a baseline and then explain the nuances and see if people are still interested?
I don't experience this, but I find it fun and interesting to learn about the different things people go through. For people who relate to this, I have a question. Can you experience alterous attraction while feeling other attractions too? Like if you are ace could you feel alterous and romantic attraction at the same time and to the same person? Or is it strictly an aro-ace attraction?
Alterous attraction has noting to do with ones romantic/sexual orientations. Folks of all sorts can and do experience this.
It's its own thing!
I am personally gray aro and gray ace, so I do sometimes experience romantic/sexual attraction, but I also experience alterous attraction.
Although alterous attraction is more well known in the aroace community, it is for anyone. Anyone can have alterous attraction, even people who aren’t aro/ace.
~~~
You might also might mean can you be romantically and alterously attracted to someone. It really depends on the individuals definition of alterous attraction.
I have heard of some people who have had alterous and romantic attraction to the same person and defined alterous as completely separate from romantic and platonic.
For me, I can’t be romantically and alterously attracted to one person because my alterous attraction is a both distinctly different and a combination of romantic and platonic. So if I did experience romantic and alterous attraction towards the same person, it’s because it’s fluctuating between platonic, alterous, and romantic.
Some people might feel their alterous attraction like a different primary color from platonic or romantic. Like alterous is blue, platonic is yellow, and romantic is red. Then they could feel like a secondary color, a combination of the two. So they could feel purple towards someone, a combination of alterous and romantic. Or they could even feel both red and blue instead of all purple.
Some people might feel their alterous attraction like a gradient between yellow and red. Platonic is yellow, romantic is red, and anything orange is alterous. Technically that shade is more red then the other shade, but it’s still orange none the less. Every shade in the gradient is technically orange alterous except for the 100% yellow platonic and 100% red romantic.
But like I said, from my experience, it’s more like the gradient thing. And although orange alterous is always a combination of yellow platonic and red romantic, it’s always it’s own separate color, orange. My attraction to that person might slide on that gradient, but it’s still orange.
Idk if that helped or made it harder, sorry. Hope it could maybe help!
this almost made me cry.
* passes tissues *
Love it!! Perfectly explained how I felt.
This is lovely!
Thank you for this. Have been on a 5ish hour rabbit hole exploring exactly this inner turmoil. Found a link to your vid on a discussion about alterous attraction.
I'm aro-allo and also consider myself solo poly. but I've developed a desire for a deeper non-sexual relationship with some recent partners. I've been super frustrated w the definitions of "romantic love." I want to do traditionally romantic things and take care of them, but I don't resonate w any way friends describe romantic love
Grateful it’s useful!
44 sec in, already to relatable 🤣
Thank you so much for these words!
Glad to be of help 💙
This was beautiful. Thank you for putting your art out into the world. Theres not a lot of insight into non conventional love, so this was wonderful and emotional to see💟💟
Nice captions
Thanks. As a caption user myself I know how important it is so... I try my best to make them at least decent.
Relating to the feel a lot. Happens with women for me. Also men I believe
When you've had your share of queerplatonic moirails (♦️) AND been the auspisticous (♣️) aromantic member (☘️) of a few polycules (🟦π🟥), but never felt flushed red (❤️) romance. If i were on another planet, possibly one inhabited by trolls, i wouldn't be considered aro, but for human purposes, "polyalterous aromantic" works great.
I loved all my meshes.
love this !!!
Thank-you! It’s a feel I never hear folks talking about so I thought it would be good to try and capture it 💜
Artemis Munoz definitely !! 💓
This is something i went through
Honestly I'm scared he would leave me if I send him this video, I don't want him to go I really love him, I'm not in love but I love him.
Why is this so hard? God I wish I was normal.
You are normal! Our restrictive way of thinking about love and relationships is the problem, not you. If you don’t want to send him this video maybe just have a chat to him about what you wish your relationship could look like?
I watched this video yesterday and it felt so real. Finally, something that I could relate to.
I've got a question. Is it moral to befriend your alterous attraction without telling them? Isn't it basically using them as a machine for dopamine without them knowing?
Also, is it a good idea to confess just to be real with them about my feelings?
People can often be attracted to people in various ways and not tell them. It's up to you what you feel is right for your relationships. Sometimes sharing can be cathartic and can help evolve your relationship in other ways - other times it could be far less of a positive. It's up to you to weigh the pros and cons and ultimately decide what you want to do. In any case, if someone cannot reciprocate your feelings, that's not something they can control. Good luck whatever you decide to do!
Question: So what makes this “emotional attraction” different from “romantic attraction”?
I think people can define it, I can do stuff with people with people I love romantically and do the same things with people I love platonically, it depends
So I think I understand this please tell me if I'm wrong.
You like/love someone more than a friend but in a non sexual way? You have this emensly deep care/affection for them, you want to be around them a lot. You are fine with them dating other people cause that's not what you want from them.
I call that chosen family.
The phrase “more than a friend” is misleading bc sometimes friendship can be the deepest relationship someone has.
It’s more that it’s different to friendship. Regardless, call your people what it helps you to call them.
Interesting
Is it difficult to ignore the desire to tell the person how you feel?
You don’t have to ignore it if that wouldn’t be good for you. You can always tell them if that feels like the right thing to do. Communication is good and healthy.
Cjdjjdjd can u help me understand the difference between alterous and queerplatonic attraction?
If you haven't watched my Alterous Attraction video, I go through an excercise in it that may help give you clarity? Emphasis on the MAY. Unfortunately it's a hard thing to define for someone else as it's so tied to what we as individuals read as romantic/platonic...etc
Wishing you the best of luck in working it out!
i identify with both words.
Queerplatonic for me is someone who doesn't even have to be a friend (but can be), we can cuddle and hang out but it's definitely queer. I'm non‐binary but being that i was AMAB, when dudes (cis or trans) aren't even a friend but are cuddling with my aromantic ass, that alone is queer and platonic and it is for them too.
I would say alterous can fall under QP as well, but some ppl identify as one rather than the other, while i feel like queerplatonic covers the above case (literally queer and platonic at the same time) AND covers what alterous means to me as well, which is like if you took Best Friend feelz but made it QP, and it also activates my greysexual side like nothing else can with ppl I'm not usually sexually attracted to, so "demisexual aromantic" never worked for me by itself.
So if alterous queerplatonic stuff is the type of significant feeling that can trigger sexual attraction in ppl I'm not usually attracted to, the other type of QP attraction (the one without alterous attraction) is all that i personally need to feel before wanting to have sex with ppl I'm usually attracted to (men, masculine, androgynous and masc‐aligned ppl).
I also can't NOT be **close friends"* with my alterous QP partners, but i can be just casual friends or even acquaintances with my not‐alterous QP partners.
I would also use different language for one ("mesh" which could develop into "aro‐significant companionate devotion") and make things exclusive or closed‐poly in some cases if theyre okay with that, and use different language for non‐alterous QP (i just use whatever language is already being used based on whether we're friends or not, and if it's not really casual but also not merely "activity buddies" or "acquaintances", sometimes we'll talk about "defining" it is QPR and sometimes not).
i have these feelings for some people. I'm bi tho so I'm not sure
Well... shit