It's crazy how much knowledge you have but I can tell you most of us gave up on the DA partner it just takes too much energy to deal with these issues over and over again. I keep coming back to your channel to not break no contact its literally a coping mechanism for me.
Most DA's have given up on the FA and Anxious for similar reasons; the aim is to let go of what we can't possibly work with and put our energy into healing and self love, to prevent getting into unhealthy relationship dynamics again, otherwise the cycle will continue with a new partner. PDS has courses for healing; we can only try to apply everything we learn
Have you tried taking some of Thais's courses to do some healing on your own attachment style? Accountability is important and crucial for healing. I've been in your shoes and it's easier to blame the other person than do the deep healing, but the healing is necessary if not for this situation then for future relationships. ❤
I'm married to a DA and this is all very much on point. What I am struggling with is to know at what point do we call bullshit at this "i dont know how to show up" stuff. Like you figure out how to show up to work on time without blaming your childhood trauma. You behave that way because you want an outcome (not getting fired). Why does that common sense go out the window when it comes to relationships?
Have you done any of the DA courses? It might help you understand why they and we ourselves show up differently in different areas of life or even w different ppl. I used to get upset snd read into this but now i get (mostly) that its because different needs are met and or core wounds are truggered by eg relationship versus work.
@@Bornie1977 after listening to this information, it blows me away how these marriage counselors never brought these things up. It might have helped? I am currently single, but I think I’m going to start sessions with someone who specializes in attachment theory. I am definitely FA, but I tell people what my needs are and I also have boundaries, which I do express.
Compromise you both win/get what you want. Example- can we go to dinner tonight and a movie? No im busy or i need alone time but we can spend all day together on Friday and then go to dinner and a movie. Win win.
They do if they feel unsafe, esp if you are FA. And hhey aoso frar covdrt contracts from AP FA partners. Its amazing how for some DA if hou can work on your own emotional regulation and communication they can be part of healthy conversations much more..
Y'all know there are some secure people in the world right? You don't need that type of project in your life only to be brutally discarded. Love and choose yourself!!!
My LDR da bf of 3yrs goes through periods of closeness 3months then 8weeks of withdrawal. Limits affection. He still shows up everyday but I can see him really struggle with affection. I asked for goodnight msgs and explained kindly how affection via text makes me feel safe etc and he agreed and said he didn’t realise I felt that way.. he did it again for a few days then dropped back to his friendzone state. He can be SO affectionate and loving and he still wants to be with me. I just don’t get it.. words don’t match actions
Same here.. he is from italy so i asked if i can come over.. he always flew here.. now he just says.. we can go on holiday for 5 days... 5 days.... after 6 months of not meeting... and i'm called demanding for asking for more😢
In the beginning of what I thought was a friendship, she said to me what we think & say creates our reality , then not too long after she told me she couldn't give me what I deserved and she'd only end up hurting me. I get it though, I'm sure I haven't completely matstered the power of my words and thoughts yet either. She did call me friend, but then ultimately said she was obligated to others and acknowledged walking away from me.
I hung on for years, always hoping that things would change. So much abuse of grace shown. I finally gave up. One sided relationships are not relationships and certainly not what God designed.
i tried to compromise with him, told him I would like to see him again and if we can compromise on once a month, he got angry and told me he doesn´t want to see me at all. you hate to love the DA. There is never something good coming from theme only once in a blue moon and it feels amazing only because they push you down all the time in between
Sorry but I don’t think this is DA behavior you’re referring to. Sounds like lack of interest. Even a very strong DA wouldn’t go a whole month without making bids for connection if he were truly interested in the woman.
I have followed all your videos and done all the work possible to deal with DAs and have concluded, its just not for me. DAs bring out my worst traits, hurt without remorse and a lot of emotional abuse & trauma. I would do all the secure things you say, they agree then don't do it and gaslight me constantly when I ask for a compromise. Also, my other issue is DAs just never fully want to let me go! Geeez. Im sorry, but its really frustrating. I end up just blocking them after all one-sided efforts. All love to DAs but I can't 😂
Sounds like you tried really hard ❤ just a hesds up that these videos are awesome and give good pointers but im not at all surprised its not enough esp if you have a trauma background and are with DA and psttern of DAs. The pds community has guided provesses to undo some of the "lessons" lesrnt in trauma times and courses in so kuch more depth. Either way I hope you can work on your own healing so you can attract a more available partner ❤❤
Just realized my ex is 1000% DA. 😂 I've spent time with him recently, 6ish years after our breakup, and he's still so ingrained in old patterns. He comes across as super narcissistic cause he fails to compromise, and everything has to be his way or the highway, but I'm noticing with me, when I communicate well, he would make steps towards me. If it weren't for religious differences, we could actually work. Hopefully, the person he's with in the future is self-aware, a good communicator and knowledgeable about attachment styles.
Difference in religion could turn into incompatibility later; this has to be discussed before even getting into a commitment because some couples can work around it and others can't.
@misss827 lots of positive reinforcement and vulnerable communication. I have FA traits and lean anxious. He loves me a lot so he meets me half-way and we've built trust over 7 years so he's open to most of the things I say. I don't impose stuff. I just make requests and observe what he does with the info. Generally, if I don't expect stuff but say I like something, he'll do it. He's very thoughtful when he wants to be.
@@live.life.secure.coaching thank you for sharing. I also have FA, anxious traits. Could you give an example,( like commitment) of a request. I am clueless. Or is there any book that helped you with communications?
I lost about 1/3 of my attraction towards DA's as I worked on my attachment as FA.Mystery now for me equales unsafety and shadiness. The problem now is- I don t fully feel attracted to secure people as well,or other FA'sl,I landed in this ,,gray" uncertain area. Does any FA experienced that during reprogramming?
Wow Thais literally pulled this episode from my brain lmao. This is why I broke up with my ex who is a dismissive avoidant. Whenever I needed help or something from him that wasn’t totally low or no stakes, his first answer was always “no”. Then we would argue, I would explain to him there was a middle-ground, then he would say “oh well you should have mentioned the compromise option in the first place” lmfao. So it was ultimately always my fault anyways, naturally 🤷🏾♀️
Is there a reason you didn't mention it at the beginning? I'm just asking because we're not born knowing what works for someone else and we learn by that and trying differently next time. But as a DA having someone assume you're being bad for the sake of it, when it wasn't that at all, is pain. Then on top of that impatience, irritation, judgement and conflict... DA will be shutting right down out of self defense, and it's a pity because it could all have maybe been prevented with a tweak in the method in which the topic was first approached.
As an FA, I also have wounds around asking for help. So when I do ask for help, it feels like a last resort, and I used to feel wounded easily if someone automatically dismissed it as "no" or "take care of it yourself". While this used to anger me, and result in an argument, I learned over time to regulate my own emotions and lead with curiosity first. Have you ever responded calmly with curiosity to allow them to express their concerns? It helped a lot in my dynamic with my DA to hold back on immediately judging him, and being able to find out what is the middle-ground. And sure, him being unsocialized to this kind of compromise, it meant in the beginning he would sometimes be reactive and impatient to my questions. However, he also learned over time that I am genuinely curious and respectful of his boundaries if he needs them, but that we can land on compromise where possible, and it leads to positive shared emotions.
@@ashton1952I agree with you on everything you said and curious about their answer as to why they didn't offer the compromise first too, I just have to play devils advocate here. I had no idea what attachment styles were before 2022 and in my 40 plus years I have to admit that I've only been close to maybe a super small handful of friends, family and lovers that lean avoidant, like 3 maybe. Most people I've known would never just say no if I ask for help. I'm used to everyone being supportive, so before PDS, I would have no clue how to respond to this either, especially if there was no explanation that followed the no like say they are busy or exhausted. It would be weird if my significant other didn't want to help and healed or not healed, if I was met with a flat no, I wouldn't want that type of partner or friend really. On the other end of it, it comes off as rude. I think if you're used to having a supportive network of people in your life, a compromise wouldn't be something you automatically think to ask for ahead of time. I've only seriously dated one DA and love him to bits, even as my ex. But I've never loved someone with these traits and had no clue how to navigate through it. That's what brought me to my healing and PDS. It's an important learning experience while also complete unfamiliar territory for so many.
If they fear/don't want to compromise, then they shouldn't be in a relationship tho. It isn't fair to the other person of the relationship. They should heal first before getting into relationship.
They feel like they cant meet the needs of others and they feel unworthy or helpless because they dont understand healthy emotional exchanges. Remember DA's often suffer from neglect as a child so they never really learned how to communicate. They already feel defeated in some ways. You need to show this person through clear communication that its possible to have healthy compromises between two people without the other person feeling like they need to sacrifice everything to do so. Start small and encourage this person to try to see that showing up emotionally isnt a massive unscalable mountain and that its in fact a good thing. Help this person understand needs and their own boundaries as well as your own, but gently. "Beaver arent allowed in my sink" -Abraham Lincoln
It means that he knows his own patterns. Better be willing to give him TONS of space. But, if you ever want to feel first in his life, he will distance himself. Great people but the way they treat you in the chasing stage goes away around 3 months later or so… Then they revert back to avoidance.
Hi Thais, I like what you have to say watching several videos. Any thought/comments about some who is DA and also Bi-Polar 2? I think it may be impossible to deal with in the end.
This video really helped me see that I was right in never sacrificing my hobbies (martial arts) during my relationship with my exes. They always wanted me to stop training because they were afraid I'd find some girl in class and leave them. Essentially, it came down to them being insecure. That said, I also know I was right to compromise in limiting my time spent with female friends whilst in a relationship. I could understand their concern, especially since my female friends and I are often comfortable sharing a bed and/or hotel room. It's always why I told my partners if I was seeing a female friend for drinks, pool, etc. However, I never shared a bed or hotel room with a female friend while I was in a relationship! 😂
@@sifublack192just for perspective, how would you feel and what would be your stance if a female you’re dating says “I’ve slept in the same bed with my male friends. It doesn’t matter bc they are not attracted to me and we’re just platonic.” Come on now 😅
My DA ex belives I loved him while I did not. Then he said ‘I know it is hard for you just looking at me’…hahaha…also He said he sometimes loved me, also he started loving me but stopped when I nagged him. Is it normal for DA? Or covert Narc?
My DM won’t have a discussion he just closes off. What is a DMs options for reprogramming their subconscious mind if he won’t seek help via a therapist? And that’s even if he admits to him having a problem. 😢
FYI : Personal compromise should never be a requirement in any loving & healthy relationship; the world is big enough for everyone to live their own happiness combined with some mutual respect & consideration. Shalom
![[TH] VALORANT Champions Seoul - Grand Final - EDG vs TH](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/WvObMc9VelI/mqdefault.jpg)
Do YOU fear making compromises? What's been your experience with compromise in your relationship?
I wanted to send my FA partner some videos; which ones would be a good starting point?
Is the 14-day for one course or for access to all of the courses?
All of them including all live webinars and support groups (there are 6 live webinars and 5 support groups throughout the week)@@gypsypath1
It's crazy how much knowledge you have but I can tell you most of us gave up on the DA partner it just takes too much energy to deal with these issues over and over again. I keep coming back to your channel to not break no contact its literally a coping mechanism for me.
Most DA's have given up on the FA and Anxious for similar reasons; the aim is to let go of what we can't possibly work with and put our energy into healing and self love, to prevent getting into unhealthy relationship dynamics again, otherwise the cycle will continue with a new partner. PDS has courses for healing; we can only try to apply everything we learn
Have you tried taking some of Thais's courses to do some healing on your own attachment style? Accountability is important and crucial for healing. I've been in your shoes and it's easier to blame the other person than do the deep healing, but the healing is necessary if not for this situation then for future relationships. ❤
Same here. I like learning about my DA ex-gf but also understanding my own DA tendencies
Same here 😂 I’m on these channels to not break no contact *again* this and bible study helps!!!
I'm married to a DA and this is all very much on point. What I am struggling with is to know at what point do we call bullshit at this "i dont know how to show up" stuff. Like you figure out how to show up to work on time without blaming your childhood trauma. You behave that way because you want an outcome (not getting fired). Why does that common sense go out the window when it comes to relationships?
Have you done any of the DA courses? It might help you understand why they and we ourselves show up differently in different areas of life or even w different ppl. I used to get upset snd read into this but now i get (mostly) that its because different needs are met and or core wounds are truggered by eg relationship versus work.
I loved how you shared the difference between compromise and sacrifice!!
My ex wife and I went to four marriage counselors. Not one of them brought up attachment styles.
i still can't believe how this can still happen. i mean, attachment theory is not a new concept...
@@Bornie1977 after listening to this information, it blows me away how these marriage counselors never brought these things up. It might have helped?
I am currently single, but I think I’m going to start sessions with someone who specializes in attachment theory. I am definitely FA, but I tell people what my needs are and I also have boundaries, which I do express.
Whether or not they were aware of the different styles. Aren’t you thankful to no longer be involved with her?
Compromise you both win/get what you want. Example- can we go to dinner tonight and a movie? No im busy or i need alone time but we can spend all day together on Friday and then go to dinner and a movie. Win win.
It’s my experience that a DA makes clear communication absolutely, completely impossible. Like, they won’t even participate in communication.
💯 true!! Unfortunately, DA's equate communication with conflict thus making it impossible to achieve.
They do if they feel unsafe, esp if you are FA. And hhey aoso frar covdrt contracts from AP FA partners. Its amazing how for some DA if hou can work on your own emotional regulation and communication they can be part of healthy conversations much more..
And that drives me crazy than we are the one who is argumentative lol.An adult should be able ti look into themselves and see what they do wrong
Y'all know there are some secure people in the world right? You don't need that type of project in your life only to be brutally discarded. Love and choose yourself!!!
I told my wife I'm not asking you to do a back flip, I'm asking for a conpromise
My LDR da bf of 3yrs goes through periods of closeness 3months then 8weeks of withdrawal. Limits affection. He still shows up everyday but I can see him really struggle with affection. I asked for goodnight msgs and explained kindly how affection via text makes me feel safe etc and he agreed and said he didn’t realise I felt that way.. he did it again for a few days then dropped back to his friendzone state. He can be SO affectionate and loving and he still wants to be with me. I just don’t get it.. words don’t match actions
it sounds like he gets triggered by intimacy
Same here.. he is from italy so i asked if i can come over.. he always flew here.. now he just says.. we can go on holiday for 5 days... 5 days.... after 6 months of not meeting... and i'm called demanding for asking for more😢
In the beginning of what I thought was a friendship, she said to me what we think & say creates our reality , then not too long after she told me she couldn't give me what I deserved and she'd only end up hurting me.
I get it though, I'm sure I haven't completely matstered the power of my words and thoughts yet either.
She did call me friend, but then ultimately said she was obligated to others and acknowledged walking away from me.
I hung on for years, always hoping that things would change. So much abuse of grace shown. I finally gave up. One sided relationships are not relationships and certainly not what God designed.
same here :(
You didn’t value yourself
@@SK-no2pp so true, i can relate, i abandoned myself completely
i tried to compromise with him, told him I would like to see him again and if we can compromise on once a month, he got angry and told me he doesn´t want to see me at all. you hate to love the DA. There is never something good coming from theme only once in a blue moon and it feels amazing only because they push you down all the time in between
Sorry but I don’t think this is DA behavior you’re referring to. Sounds like lack of interest. Even a very strong DA wouldn’t go a whole month without making bids for connection if he were truly interested in the woman.
I have followed all your videos and done all the work possible to deal with DAs and have concluded, its just not for me. DAs bring out my worst traits, hurt without remorse and a lot of emotional abuse & trauma. I would do all the secure things you say, they agree then don't do it and gaslight me constantly when I ask for a compromise. Also, my other issue is DAs just never fully want to let me go! Geeez. Im sorry, but its really frustrating. I end up just blocking them after all one-sided efforts. All love to DAs but I can't 😂
Sounds like you tried really hard ❤ just a hesds up that these videos are awesome and give good pointers but im not at all surprised its not enough esp if you have a trauma background and are with DA and psttern of DAs. The pds community has guided provesses to undo some of the "lessons" lesrnt in trauma times and courses in so kuch more depth. Either way I hope you can work on your own healing so you can attract a more available partner ❤❤
@@emilyb5557 ❤❤
Just realized my ex is 1000% DA. 😂 I've spent time with him recently, 6ish years after our breakup, and he's still so ingrained in old patterns. He comes across as super narcissistic cause he fails to compromise, and everything has to be his way or the highway, but I'm noticing with me, when I communicate well, he would make steps towards me. If it weren't for religious differences, we could actually work. Hopefully, the person he's with in the future is self-aware, a good communicator and knowledgeable about attachment styles.
How do you communicate with him?
Difference in religion could turn into incompatibility later; this has to be discussed before even getting into a commitment because some couples can work around it and others can't.
@ashton1952 yeah I know. We always end up in the same arguments. It's why we're not really together but we're really close still.
@misss827 lots of positive reinforcement and vulnerable communication. I have FA traits and lean anxious. He loves me a lot so he meets me half-way and we've built trust over 7 years so he's open to most of the things I say. I don't impose stuff. I just make requests and observe what he does with the info. Generally, if I don't expect stuff but say I like something, he'll do it. He's very thoughtful when he wants to be.
@@live.life.secure.coaching thank you for sharing. I also have FA, anxious traits. Could you give an example,( like commitment) of a request. I am clueless. Or is there any book that helped you with communications?
I lost about 1/3 of my attraction towards DA's as I worked on my attachment as FA.Mystery now for me equales unsafety and shadiness.
The problem now is- I don t fully feel attracted to secure people as well,or other FA'sl,I landed in this ,,gray" uncertain area. Does any FA experienced that during reprogramming?
I absolutely love your ideas.
I so much agree and appreciate the positive encouragement in a great direction.
Wow Thais literally pulled this episode from my brain lmao. This is why I broke up with my ex who is a dismissive avoidant.
Whenever I needed help or something from him that wasn’t totally low or no stakes, his first answer was always “no”. Then we would argue, I would explain to him there was a middle-ground, then he would say “oh well you should have mentioned the compromise option in the first place” lmfao. So it was ultimately always my fault anyways, naturally 🤷🏾♀️
Is there a reason you didn't mention it at the beginning? I'm just asking because we're not born knowing what works for someone else and we learn by that and trying differently next time. But as a DA having someone assume you're being bad for the sake of it, when it wasn't that at all, is pain. Then on top of that impatience, irritation, judgement and conflict... DA will be shutting right down out of self defense, and it's a pity because it could all have maybe been prevented with a tweak in the method in which the topic was first approached.
As an FA, I also have wounds around asking for help. So when I do ask for help, it feels like a last resort, and I used to feel wounded easily if someone automatically dismissed it as "no" or "take care of it yourself". While this used to anger me, and result in an argument, I learned over time to regulate my own emotions and lead with curiosity first. Have you ever responded calmly with curiosity to allow them to express their concerns? It helped a lot in my dynamic with my DA to hold back on immediately judging him, and being able to find out what is the middle-ground. And sure, him being unsocialized to this kind of compromise, it meant in the beginning he would sometimes be reactive and impatient to my questions. However, he also learned over time that I am genuinely curious and respectful of his boundaries if he needs them, but that we can land on compromise where possible, and it leads to positive shared emotions.
@@ashton1952I agree with you on everything you said and curious about their answer as to why they didn't offer the compromise first too, I just have to play devils advocate here. I had no idea what attachment styles were before 2022 and in my 40 plus years I have to admit that I've only been close to maybe a super small handful of friends, family and lovers that lean avoidant, like 3 maybe. Most people I've known would never just say no if I ask for help. I'm used to everyone being supportive, so before PDS, I would have no clue how to respond to this either, especially if there was no explanation that followed the no like say they are busy or exhausted. It would be weird if my significant other didn't want to help and healed or not healed, if I was met with a flat no, I wouldn't want that type of partner or friend really. On the other end of it, it comes off as rude. I think if you're used to having a supportive network of people in your life, a compromise wouldn't be something you automatically think to ask for ahead of time.
I've only seriously dated one DA and love him to bits, even as my ex. But I've never loved someone with these traits and had no clue how to navigate through it. That's what brought me to my healing and PDS. It's an important learning experience while also complete unfamiliar territory for so many.
Thais thank you. You teach so much info I use to understand my DA wife much better
Wonderful to hear! Thank you Mark!!
This really hit home today, thank you
If they fear/don't want to compromise, then they shouldn't be in a relationship tho. It isn't fair to the other person of the relationship. They should heal first before getting into relationship.
Hold on. Keep looking.
I want to thank you so much for making videos like this, they mean a lot, otherwise you are beautiful ❤
A few years ago you mentioned someone becoming dismissive avoidant later in life. Like in their 50’s. Can you elaborate on that subject?
Can you please make a video of why the DA told me at the beginning of dating that he doesn't want to hurt me and what that means to them?
They feel like they cant meet the needs of others and they feel unworthy or helpless because they dont understand healthy emotional exchanges. Remember DA's often suffer from neglect as a child so they never really learned how to communicate. They already feel defeated in some ways.
You need to show this person through clear communication that its possible to have healthy compromises between two people without the other person feeling like they need to sacrifice everything to do so.
Start small and encourage this person to try to see that showing up emotionally isnt a massive unscalable mountain and that its in fact a good thing.
Help this person understand needs and their own boundaries as well as your own, but gently.
"Beaver arent allowed in my sink"
-Abraham Lincoln
It means that he knows his own patterns.
Better be willing to give him TONS of space. But, if you ever want to feel first in his life, he will distance himself.
Great people but the way they treat you in the chasing stage goes away around 3 months later or so…
Then they revert back to avoidance.
@@BigGirthyJohnson Thank you very much for the detailed explanation, I really appreciate it 🤗
@@sugar4973 Thank you very much for the explanation, it means a lot to me 🙏
This sounds more like a narcissist than anything
Hi Thais, I like what you have to say watching several videos. Any thought/comments about some who is DA and also Bi-Polar 2? I think it may be impossible to deal with in the end.
This video really helped me see that I was right in never sacrificing my hobbies (martial arts) during my relationship with my exes. They always wanted me to stop training because they were afraid I'd find some girl in class and leave them. Essentially, it came down to them being insecure.
That said, I also know I was right to compromise in limiting my time spent with female friends whilst in a relationship. I could understand their concern, especially since my female friends and I are often comfortable sharing a bed and/or hotel room. It's always why I told my partners if I was seeing a female friend for drinks, pool, etc. However, I never shared a bed or hotel room with a female friend while I was in a relationship! 😂
Sharing a bed with a female friend like nothing, single or not, is wild.
@@LSGO90 not when you can have platonic female friends you're not interested in romantically. 🤷🏿♂️
@@sifublack192just for perspective, how would you feel and what would be your stance if a female you’re dating says “I’ve slept in the same bed with my male friends. It doesn’t matter bc they are not attracted to me and we’re just platonic.”
Come on now 😅
@@LSGO90 honestly I wouldn't care. Unless we were in a serious relationship, it's really none of my business.
My DA ex belives I loved him while I did not. Then he said ‘I know it is hard for you just looking at me’…hahaha…also He said he sometimes loved me, also he started loving me but stopped when I nagged him. Is it normal for DA? Or covert Narc?
My DM won’t have a discussion he just closes off.
What is a DMs options for reprogramming their subconscious mind if he won’t seek help via a therapist? And that’s even if he admits to him having a problem. 😢
Nothing you can do. Stop watering down your needs to keep the relationship going
I just can't seem to follow through on the "clear decision" once the deadline hit 😢
Do you have free videos to watch without signing up for a plan? monthly or yearly?
FYI : Personal compromise should never be a requirement in any loving & healthy relationship; the world is big enough for everyone to live their own happiness combined with some mutual respect & consideration. Shalom