*Key Takeaways:* 1.) "How to get people interested in you?": *You don't.* You need to present yourself as who you are, and if they're interested in you then they'll let you know. Authentic you = Best version of you. To quote someone I saw in chat: "Authentic = Big Chad Energy". 2.) "How to turn small talk into free-flowing conversation": *General Rule of open-ended question followed by investigative response, while making your intentions known and fully clear.* Allow yourself to adjust to the flow of the conversation. If they respond well to a flirt, keep going. If they don't, then don't be afraid to back off. 3.) *Actually try to get to know the person.* You want to actually date them, right? Dating someone involves knowing things about them. Engage in topics you both relate to, and ask open-ended non-confrontational questions to allow the other person to show their true self (going back to Takeaway 1). 4.) *Don't be afraid to be honest; Be authentic!* If you want to strike a conversation with someone, but can't find a way to begin the conversation, just start talking. Don't force an introduction when you had to think about how to say it for the past 30 minutes. . 5.) *Respect boundaries, but also have confidence.* Going back to takeaway 1 and 4, be authentic and clear with your intentions. If they say yes, or allow you to have a second chance, take it. But if they say no and continue to say no, then respect that. 6.) *Understand that even if they say no, you gave the other person the gift of feeling wanted by another human being. That's a pretty awesome gift to give.* "As long as you're not cringe about it" - Dr. K
Men don't have the luxury to think like that on dating apps, man. I wish we did, but we just don't. If we don't spark interest with the one match we get every solar eclipse, they'll just get bored and move on to one of the hundred other guys in her DMs
I think it's because nobody this generation had a dad who could teach them how to date after the changes that have happened in the past 20 years. what you would have absorbed from older men in your life just doesn't work for a lot of people now, so you find people learning to date like it's an academic subject
@@AugustusBohn0 Dating is actually really intuitive. Step 1: Be born super hot. Step 2: Improve your already incredible looks with a stylish haircut and expensive clothes. Step 3: Do not do shit, the other sex will make it absurdly easy for you to talk to them. THEY will be the ones being nervous about the whole ordeal, not you.
@Meddlecat ah wait whats the difference between fresh and dried dates?? B-because like the dates Ive eaten are usually kinda dry but I though thats just how it be??? IDkNow MaaaN
If there's one thing i miss about school is how naturally relationships could start thanks to big friend groups. As an adult it feels like dating and making friends is all about having some kind of end goal to that relationship, and that can end up feeling oppressive.
I find it best to have a hobby, and go somewhere that people also have that hobby. Then your end goal is your starting goal, enjoy the hobby around other people. If things move from there, just see where they go, the same way you might just explore some woods just to see what you find.
@@iceskaterprotainasxp8276 which is already more than 1 or 2 that typical, extroverted adults have; if you're introverted and haven't carried over friends from college, you have 0
@@JarthenGreenmeadow Usually when people say things like "just be yourself" what they really mean be the person I'm accustomed to. If someone is not "being themselves" what is happening is that person is trying to improve in some way. And good for them, self improvement is a good thing. People have the right to define themselves any way they want.
You can´t be your authentic self until you become confident. Once you gain confidence, you will naturally act authentic. If you don´t have confidence in this moment, take baby steps to get there in the long term.
@@a.blackwater3076 Not cheesy at all. Super true. Anything to gain confidence in yourself is good. This is why when people say "don't care what others think" it's true, but that doesn't mean to dress like a bum. Often times, dressing better, getting a good haircut, and working out often can be for yourself more so than for others. If you look good, you feel good. And if you can gain confidence this way, then go for it. Jim Carrey said "The funny thing is when you start feeling happy alone, that's when everyone decides to be with you."
@@KamiChrisy I’ve seen a few guys mooching off of financially successful women. It’s not as often as women doing it to men of course, but it is something affluent women need to watch out for too, if they care.
No, not really, no. Emotional maturity makes you seem boring, being yourself usually will get you friendzoned and you will never know who the other person is.
@@anacronicocroccroc9629 more vulnerability or more than vulnerability ? I have no issue speaking openly about my opinions and feelings, or being vulnerable, because I'm pretty comfortable in my skin at this point . And personally , it wasnt easy to get to where i am now mentally.
At 5:00 "or she giggles": be aware that laughter can also be a response to discomfort. There's a difference between a flirty happy giggle and somebody laughing because they are uncomfortable but don't know what to say to make you back off.
Exactly. There is never a way to 100% know what she feels but you can get close by noticing multiple patterns at the same time instead of just one thing
@@Zeegoner Yes exactly. You need to pay attention to multiple things like what the laugh sounds like, facial expression, where she's looking and general body language. I think Dr K maybe forgets that some of the people watching are autistic or have some autistic-like difficulty reading body language, and that can make stuff like this really difficult and stressful because we don't read those signals intuitively. It sounds like Dr K assumes this will be easy for everyone and it just isn't.
@@SomeoneBeginingWithI I thought this was mostly about flirting through text messages. So not sure how much what you say applies in that situation. Pretty much the worst thing that can happen is that she stops responding to your messages. If she keeps responding with replies that aren't 1 or 2 words long, you're probably not doing that bad.
@@sitofak it started out being about texting and dating aps but then Dr K started talking about meeting people irl. If you make the other person uncomfortable, that's a bad outcome too. It's not all about you.
@@SomeoneBeginingWithI Ok, I get it. I was approaching it from my perspective of overcoming shyness. When it comes to me, I would rather err on the side of making someone slightly uncomfortable by being too open rather than not saying something out of fear that it may offend them. I don't have any experience with autism so what you're saying may be helpful to someone who is on the autism spectrum.
I started a first date by asking, "So would you eat a dog?" because it was the last thing I was thinking of as I walked into the bar to meet her. And we haven't stopped laughing two years later.
I went off tinder cause there just wasnt the right people for me, but now I know exactly what to do next Gonna get a bunch of peacock feathers, fancy shirt, nice jeans and hope my mating shakes work their magic
Tinder is designed not to work. If you met someone on there hold on to them. It is ment to be if not even tinder can keep you from each other. As long as you don't hurt any birds, I like the peacock approach. Good luck.
Dr. K- "Be your authentic self," also Dr. K- "be... respectful... make her laugh, be funny, you know have confidence." I'm getting some real mixed signals here.
If you are yourself, you can always be funny. This doesn't mean that you have to crack jokes, just confidently telling some anecdote or something about yourself in a playful manner. An example, let's say you both like karaoke, but you are not actually a good singer, although you don't care about that. You could confidently say something like "Nice, I have finally found a partner for my duett, you bring the nice voice and I bring the ...ähhm passion XD" or something like this. Which is basically implying that you are confident in yourself, tells something about you (Like "I don't take myself too seriously") and is also kind of funny. Or when she is searching for an intelligent guy, but you sometimes do stupid stufff, you could say something like "I don't really know if I can be the smart guy here, because I'm definitely a dumb fuck at times, just recently I did *something stupid and funny* XD " You could also do this the other way around, where you are more like "roasting" here, but there you have to be more careful not to actually offend her.
@Unironik This was just an example for something, that COULD be in a persons bio and that you could work with, not a statement about what girls actually search for. But yeah, there are not that many female gamers on dating platforms and you can only really talk about programming when the other person also does something similar.
I wholeheartedly agree that one should just be themselves because any relationship built on inauthenticity will be doomed to fail. But, one should also introspect and address any objectively undesirable personality traits that may be making them less attractive, perhaps even something that they could improve upon physically such as becoming healthier, getting a nice haircut, wearing nice clothes, without going overboard of course.
Well the idea is that you are someone who respects themselves and has goals and ambitions beyond pleasing the other sex so naturally youd take care of yourself, workout, groom, have good style, and be financially dependable. If you dont have that, you have bigger problems than attracting woman. Even if you con one into being with you, she stays with you for long enough you will get complacent and she will run. The only way to attract and keep a woman is to adopt a genuine lifestyle of being confident successful and hardworking man. The question you have to ask yourself is, what if women didn’t like successful, healthy, well groomed men and fat, smelly, and broke men became the new hot, would you turn into a bum to get women? if your answer is yes, you are a weak man and you will have a lot of difficulty attracting the opposite sex, be it men or women, whatever you are into.
@@m.a6899 If you think all (heterosexual) women can be characterised as being exclusively attracted to confident, successful, hardworking men, then that is incredibly sad. People are not one-dimensional beings, incapable of deviating from predetermined algorithms of attractiveness.
@@GamerLad98 Most of us are though. I'd suggest if a woman isn't attracted to men who are confident or successful it's often an esteem issue on her part. Confidence and success and good looks and things aren't societal algorithms, it's mostly hard wired biology that's been shown time and time again in studies. It's also replicated in the animal kingdom. While sure, we can deviate, I would suggest most of us don't want to or it doesn't occur to us to. If you find a woman who says she likes unattractive lazy guys, this is usually a result of something that happened to her or her upbringing rather than a genuine preference.
So glad you mentioned the spark of interest part. People treat dating like learning a special code, saying the right thing and hoping it sparks a fire of interest. Dating should be about meeting people, conversing with them, deciding whether that person is right for you, and seeing if they feel the same way. Although dating can feel like a chore, it should be about fostering connections and getting to know people on a human level.
lots of people have this mechanistic understanding of romantic relationships as well as other kinds of relationships and it's alienating af to be on the receiving end of. I had a friend disrespect me in a major way and then double down it, and then only when I made it clear I wasn't putting up with it did he scramble to offer a token apology. People aren't companionship vending machines that dispense what you want after reciting the right sequence of mouth noises, it's more complicated than that. As for romantic relationships, there are some people you can hook up with and some you can't. Talking to/dating somebody isn't about programming them to enter companion mode, it's about determining whether you and they are compatible. To at least some extent, that's already determined before the first conversation even starts.
A good way to take rejection: If they say no, they just realised you are not compatible faster than you did. It's not about their status, wealth or looks - it's about *them*. Anything else will lead to misery for everyone involved.
@@heinoustentacles5719 Is that something which actually happened to you (it can happen for various reasons but it's not common) or just something you're hoping for?
What strikes me in these conversations is no one seems to consider that YOU should also be trying to figure out if THEY are interesting people as well. People get so worked up trying to make people interested but you are the other half of the interaction. Find out what makes them interesting in regards to yourself. Your interest in them is just as important. Weight needs to be taken off of you and you'll be more at ease I think once you accept that, thus have more flowing and natural conversation
The best thing you said here for me personally is, that at lest you made someone feel good about them selves. I never really though of it that way. I actually thought I was kind of being annoying doing so, if I got rejected.
It's so insane that there is a 10 minute video that is so easy to understand about something that is so complicated and hard to do. You're the best Dr. K.!
That's exactly right. I was for so long focused on being or saying something that will make the other side interested in me. Just as the person writing the question did. And once I realized it had nothing to do with that I was really mind blown. For instance, if the other side is not attracted and interested in you, there's nothing you can do or say that will make them suddenly want to date you, now, if they weren't interested in you at the start and once you started a conversation, they gradually got interested then it's not because of what you were saying, it's that you displayed what you have to offer and they liked that. So, in my experience you have to be the person they want to date and no cheesy line will get you the girl/boy/apache helicopter/other.
All those $49.99 or $99.99 pua programs that make you think there's some jedi mind trick you can use. Puas teach : Man: i *am* the guy you're looking for Woman : you are the guy i'm looking for Man: we will do something this weekend. Woman : we should do something this weekend
@@emptyi511 she ghosted me, left me on read for 24H before the date and didn't show up :/ It is what it is though, she prolly wasn't the one anyway. Had my best friend over instead, we watched movies and played FIFA :D
@@Snalle damn I'm sorry to hear that. Keep your head up though it's probably as you said. You'll find better soon enough. On the bright side, you got to see your best friend and have some fun playing FIFA and watching some movies which honestly sounds pretty nice! :)
That last part is a selfless way of thinking about rejection. Often times I find myself getting to caught up in my own fear of rejection, so this was really well said and helped a lot, thanks Dr. K!!!
"The last 10mins I've been thinking of what to say to you and start a conversation , can you help me out?" "No".... "Okay good talk". That is how it went for me.
"you're the only scuba diver I know, let's dive together one day" was my pickup line. we've been dating for 6 years and just finished a round the world trip. The part about being yourself sounds so cliché but it's 100%accurate.
i have more respect for the men that say ¨ look i just want to fuck¨ than i do for the guys who act like thats not their end goal eventhough it is. when you arent genuine and up front and just beat around the bush it can make you seem creepy and that you are not a genuine person.
Lots of comments say something along the lines of “being authentic & confident is an oxymoron for me.” & I think there’s a few healthy ways to think about this. A. If you’re not confident in who you are, 1. Asses if there’s valid reason for your insecurities or whether you’re simply being too hard on yourself. 2 Once you’ve improved yourself or begun to accept yourself for who you are, you’ll become more confident in yourself. Basically, it’s the age old trope of “loving yourself.” If you can’t love yourself or you have nothing going for yourself, you’re probably going to be codependent in your next relationship. B. Being confident isn’t all about being outgoing, or assured of your complete competency in all areas of social interaction. Being confident is the social equivalent of being brave is in a physical altercation. You may feel fear, but being brave is feeling the anxiety & doing that thing anyways. For me confidence & authenticity means I don’t fear rejection anymore. I’m confident that as long as I put myself out & be authentic I’ll attract the kind of person that I jell with. I might see someone who looks like what I want, but if we start talking & it doesn’t click that’s for the best. Imagine if we didn’t click & it did work out: went on more dates that were mediocre & we were both on our phones the whole time, but hey we looked like we should be together so we kept at it! Got married & had kids. We both have completely different ideas on how to raise kids. Get the picture? As long as you’re confident that putting the real you out there, anxiety & existential depression & all, will result in the right person for you to come around. Then you’re truly ahead of the curve in the dating scene, just by just getting there in your personal growth
Dating always feels like such a weird term. It feels disingenuous. I don’t want to talk to women specifically for my own selfish reasons, because there is another human involved in that. I’d prefer to meet someone I find genuinely interesting, build a slow bond with them, and maybe some day get into a relationship. Maybe that’s asking for too much though.
I don't think that's asking too much at all. In fact I think what you're describing is exactly what everyone wants. Dating apps absolutely are disingenuous though, imo. You're literally trying to sell your looks and personality to other people while simultaneously trying to represent your entire being into a small amount of characters on a screen. Personally I say build friendships, get to know people, be yourself, don't be an ass if you get rejected, and you'll do just fine. Obviously we need to not be in a pandemic for that, but I for one believe that patience will be rewarded in time.
@@carvman217 but why exactly? I'm not trying to be rude but do you need a significant other right now? I used to be obsessed with the idea of getting a girlfriend, and that attitude made me really toxic and unhappy. Sometimes you just gotta learn to let go and not worry so much about what you can't control.
@@feastildur I’ve just gotten so close soo many times, but then something always happens or the feeling just suddenly switches on their part or whatever. It’s just so frustrating, to get so far and everytime nothing comes of it
I think there needs to be like a crash course on making your dating profile. I have a gf now but I recall so many women having 'message me and find out' or their interests are 'dogs, adventures the show friends and coffee' or 'the office' and 'traveling and hiking' like maybe I'm just too dynamic of a person and with my interests but when I saw that and I didnt care how pretty you are. They had the most common and uninteresting interests and nothing else saying what they are like or about as a person. Following the street vendor analogy, it's like having the table to display your stuff but not actually putting stuff on it. Like I cant imagine that 1 out of 2 women (anecdotal) only have a combination of 3 of the interests I mentioned earlier. This is all aside of how terrible dating sites are. But it's almost as if people arent even trying to make the worst of a mediocre situation.
Not so much with dating but, one of the things that helped me with social anxiety and talking to new people was something from the late Larry King's book "How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere". The TL;DR is that everyone is an expert in something you know almost nothing about. Find what people are interested in and try to understand the what/why/how. Being honest and empathetic and being genuinely curious goes very far.
Thank you I really needed this. I was pretty down in the dumps this week after being rejected and ghosted, and wondered if there was something about me that needed changing - but the analogy about being a market stall vendor and presenting yourself fully and authenticity really spoke to me and allowed things to be put in perspective. Thank you!
For men and online dating it comes down to this. It doesnt matter how original or unique your opener is. If she isnt attracted to your photos your out of luck. Meeting girls in person is ten times easier.
Tried both and it's the same. Meeting girls in-person is still down to if she's attracted to your appearance, and will shut you down before you even open your mouth the say hi.
So, 'be yourself'. I don't really know how to be anyone else, so this is my default setting. 36 years in, and nobody has seen that person and been interested enough.
thank you! i've actually been approaching Dating Apps in that way recently, so it's good to hear this reaffirmed. i'm done with the chasing, someone will pursue me if they want to, and on the otherside, if they're boring to talk to i'm not gonna drag it out just because the person is hot. lol i'm gay and this is still good advice even if it's a little bit different, sexuality doesn't change dating a ton.
Oh man what would normally be 10/10 content on itself is further amplified by that hilarious chat getting absolutely riled up and taking notes on Dr. Chad giving dating advice. I fucking love this community.
yeah made me realize , that complimenting someone and saying what you genuinely think about them without overthinking takes just a minute , but they might end up thinking bout it later and will make them feel happy . its a win win sitaution , but its the lack of confidence that prevents them i guess
@@UpsetSpaghet That idea is awful, because you would boost her ego for free. It's enough for women these days, they have ego boosters literally everywhere (in real live and especially in social media). Most women think they deserve their princes already, don't make things worse.
As a woman…This is honestly the most solid advice I’ve heard in any dating video. It’s not about controlling and MAKING them interested in you. Show who are just for your OWN practice of self expression for yourself, and someone who’s truly interested in you for your whole self will come along and it’ll be a great relationship because you weren’t trying to manipulate someone into liking you and later on they WILL realize you aren’t who you said you were and *boom* trust completely gone and now you’re single again. Listen to this man. He’s a wizened sage.
@@crystyxnthat used to bother me a lot but I know why women act like that, they don’t want to feel like the man, which goes against all notions of equality but there’s no fairness in the sexual marketplace
One thing I want to add is that dating is a skill. You level that skill up the more you do it. Don't be afraid of the first few dates being awkward or something like that because you get better over time
Here's a tip from someone who has bounced from social butterfly to being terrified of social interaction and vice versa. A lot of it is being capable of demonstrating interest in the person and being interested in putting yourself out there. The best way to start building this skill is just striking up small talk and doing it slowly. I cannot tell you how many times I was feeling down, felt like I wasn't interesting enough or spontaneous enough because I would often forget that social interaction in any context is actually about practicing a degree of self-esteem. Ask someone on the way to work something, 'where did you get x', 'do you like this commute?' etc. As you practice you will gain a sense for what works and what doesn't and you will have an OPPORTUNITY to move the conversation onto something else. When you are ready you can turn that 'something else' into asking them out.
This is so true, and working in customer service was really my crash course. When I first started, I could barely mouth greetings to customers without being terrified that I was bothering them. Gradually, as I received welcoming and acceptance from strangers, I realized I could open up and be genuinely warm and welcoming in return and encourage them to voice their needs. This has completely transformed how I talk to pretty much everybody.
This is such a sweet video, and full of things I needed to hear. I'm going out with friends tonight so if I spot someone I'm attracted to, I think I'll give it a go!
I never had an issue getting dates when I was in school or around people regularly, but I don't even get swiped on through any online mediums. And when I do I just get ghosted in a few days. It's so disparate I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I know I'm not like hideously unattractive, I know I have plenty to say to someone if we have enough in common. I've had enough close relationships in my life to reinforce that. It's just that none of that matters if nobody even wants to start a conversation with you.
It's actually funny, I find that more women are interested in me now, even though at this time in my life I'm not interested in dating. I think the reason is I've been putting in no effort in putting on a mask for people, I just act in a way I find most comfortable and natural. Like I guess the girls I interact with think it's really easy to talk to me because I just listen most of the time, I don't try and push anything on them and instead I just let them talk or respond however they want to, and when I do respond I'm just honest with them, I don't try and say something to impress them or anything.
@@piyushsharma3991 well for a while i was a bit of a shut in so i hardly interacted with people outside of my close friends, but i went back to work recently and started meeting new people, that's when i started noticing this. And currently I'm 22
@@vic2_o oh ok, I was a bit worried that you're gonna say "I'm in my thirties " because in my mind I was like "Man I don't wanna give up hope and wait till I'm thirty to start having women noticing me"
I do that but NGL, never goes beyond staring at each other or talking about life. None of us make a move cos probably they're just friendly you know. And rejection does still suck for me to handle so i just disappear from their bubble for a bit
Have you considered that this is all in your head? I wouldn't say dating is difficult, it just tends to take time. I remember it took me like 4 years on and off on some dating apps to find a wonderful person that I am with for 2 years now. You just need patience. And I did not had the feeling that I needed to entertain her, because the things I talked about were things she also found entertaining. I agree with Dr. K... all you need to do is lay out your hand and see if she's interested in it. If she doesn't respond, move on. Yes, there are many women that want to be entertained, but those are not the kind of women searching for a meaningful relationship. Again, move on and save your time for someone who is interested!
I disagree, I mean sure depending on your personality you might have a harder time naturally meshing with a woman but trust me, to entertain a woman by putting up some completely fake act takes WAY too much work and I personally believe you wouldn't be as happy if it had worked anyways. Because you know who you really are, and you know that this wasn't you that you were showing her. Now obviously being more charming or socially adept helps for sure. But don't make a whole new persona for a woman. Not worth it.
@@deistrix3239 5'5/6 in american measurement. I understand why you asked and yes, there's plenty superficial women, but it doesn't matter. As matter of fact, my girlfriend of 2 years told me she wasn't impressed by my height at first, even though she is smaller than me, but quickly learned to love me for my personality. This is the kind of women you need to look out for. People that judge you based on stuff that you can not control are not worth any effort. Again, patience and personality are key.
Hopefully I can provide some perspective on this topic as a gamer with a history of being bullied over looks to studying this topic and growing to having two girlfriends, the latter of which became my wife of over 4 years. Dating can be complex, sure. But the overall concept is very simple: it's a sort of exchange of sexual value. every person is not mating with every other available person at all times, the reason being that there are biological and psychological barriers in place to control such--and to get deeper, it's to ensure the passing on of desirable genes. this natural selective process on the macro level becomes dating. And I bring up the scientific aspect of it to reframe the question of "how do I date?" into "what (perceived) value do I provide?" the keyword is perceived because the potential love interest you communicate with doesn't actually know you, only what you present to them in your interaction. and people who can convey the most value in their interactions will have the most success. THAT'S why everyone emphasizes "having confidence" as the #1 piece of dating advice (presented to cishet men at least) because it is a projection of the value that you inherently have as a man. this is something every man can do, even if you doubt yourself. In this sense, it's why "being confident" and "being yourself" are not mutually exclusive. The former is a modifier of sorts, but it's also not a personality trait so you'd still need to inject some of your personal content into it. the reason why you might not "identify with" confidence is because you are used to experiencing a lack of it. however there are likely other times you can think of in your life where the feeling was present so it's an achievable thing you can get or get back. of course, confidence can fluctuate and our society does a lot to destroy everyone's confidence at some point to profit from it, men included, but you can work towards building your confidence by talking note of your strengths and investing as much as you can in them. there's plenty of attractive qualities, but the 3 most OP skills are: 3) confidence 2) looks 1) social skills ("charisma"). other important abilities are: emotional/financial stability, maturity, humor, and handling rejection (something that happens to all humans at some point). If this seems like a tall order, think of it like most video games. There's certainly some challenge involved because no one is intended to win automatically, but if you learn the mechanics and execute them properly then you will see success. and depending on your level of mastery, you'll see overwhelming success. if I can do it as someone who didn't have my first kiss until adulthood, a hopeless 20 year old virgin to getting married 5 years later then anyone else can too. Love Dr. K for creating this platform to have these kinds of conversations ♥️
Female here. I'd be receptive to the "I can't think of what to say" line at a party/bar. I'd be weirded out if y'all did it at the dog park, tho. That's when you use the "what's your dog's name?/and who is this adorable pupper?" lines.
The conversation is like a ball you are throwing back and forth. Responding to a question with a one-word answer, or not asking a question back, counts as dropping the ball. If you keep dropping the ball, then talking becomes a lot more work and a lot less fun. If your date drops the ball, smooth things over by picking it back up with a question or a subject change.
"What do you do for a living" can be a good question, but it's really a gamble. Some people are probably quite proud of their career or passionate about it, but it's also just as well that some people really hate it and don't want to think about it when they're going out.
It's not a good question, but better than nothing. I always use it whenever I can't think of something better to ask and many people use that question. It's fine. Just move on and don't talk about jobs for 10 minutes straight unless it's about actual passion, too or something.
this is a very nuanced topic. I know for me im just not "myself" over the phone. I dont like texting and i cant maintain interest in small talk/introductions. I like face to face interaction and from what Ive experienced most people on most dating sites arent really invested. Theyre either looking to hook up or theyre bored. No one is looking for love.
The best "we live in a society" ever. I love that perspective of yours. Making a flirt towards someone is pretty much the same as making a compliment. I like complimenting people for when they do well anyways. So I guess I should treat flirting the same way? Obviously within the boundaries of common sense.
my crush literally just held the door open & bowed down for me. after that i tried to get his number, because i gained so much interest just from that interaction. i haven't met him again since then, because of covid, but we live really close & i can't wait to finally see him again when the lockdown is over. since i got his number we talked non stop & it's like we're fucking soulmates.
Hey Dr K, I wanted to thank you for doing what you do. You are one of the most intelligent, well-spoken, kind, and non-judgmental people that I have stumbled across on youtube or twitch. You have created such a good resource for FREE to anyone on the internet, I appreciate what you do and respect the hell out of you man! Your videos and streams have helped me get through some rough patches of time over the past year and a half. Keep up the great work! Love you man!
That last part cannot possibly be true. Having to reject someone’s unwanted advances seems like it would be a horrifying situation to be in whether they were being “cringe” about it or not. When else do you have to let someone down right to their face when they’re at their most vulnerable? That literally sounds like a nightmare scenario. Like I literally mean that sounds like the exact kind of thing I would have legitimate actual stress dream nightmares about. I cannot fathom how getting asked out by someone you’re not interested in could be anything less than an absolutely mortifying experience MUCH LESS somehow uplifting. I just straight up can’t wrap my head around it.
"Most people find that attractive when you're authentic and fun." What if I'm not exactly fun when I'm authentic? Not like I'm a downer either, but I tend to think about abstract things a lot, reflect on myself and this world, etc. A lot of people don't find me "fun" for this exact reason. People generally want something that's not complicated, and I'm not that.
its possible to change and still be yourself. im not fun by the standards of going out clubbing and doing risky behaviours but i am fun in the sense that i like to go to the beach, parks, play games, make jokes at my exspense, go biking/scootering, go to places ive never been to just because, heck ill even do something i dont usually like to do. with being a ¨fun¨ person its just about seeing the joy and excitement in an otherwise boring or mundane thing.
2:45 this is 100% true. The only guys I’ve ever kept a conversation with are because they are authentic and act fun, like themselves, on the first conversations instead of going for the “hey” or “wyd”.
i just want to meet new people and this isn't exclusive to online dating, but now i have to resort to talking online/discord. it's been really hard but i appreciate this video
Not just for dating, but I've found asking questions that start with "Why..." are much better to get people talking about things they care about and value as opposed to questions that start with "What..."
Basically do whatever you find to be challenging your capacity in any form. Something that's enjoyable, exciting and is a positive experience especially considering the challenge and learning involved to be unpleasant at times but you win as this is overcome.
Venting time. Dating? Never had one. Don't know how. People don't believe me. I'm almost 30 and it seems like nobody around my age even wants to date in the first place. I've been cancelled on or outright stood up dozens of times. Nobody gives an explaination either. I've told my one friend and family in detail about how it goes down and they just say I'm unlucky. Same with new people I try to make friends with. Weird considering it seems like I always get along amazingly with the people I talk to. I legitimately don't know what's wrong with me, or maybe I'm just one of the unluckiest people out there. Fml I'm ready to give up after fifteen years of trying.
Thank you for bringing up the bit about the investigative response. In my experience a lot of people don't ask (don't know how to ask?) proper follow-up questions and a lot of my dating app convos ended up feeling more like a game of 20 Questions eventually. Why are people in such a rush to go through all the conversation topics without dwelling on anything? That's exactly how you get awkward small talk…right?!
I realised a while ago that it doesnt make sense for me to change myself to spark interest in others. I am not interested in a deeper relationship with someone that is not interested in my real self or my real interests.
Sorry to say but those characteristics are gonna make it very hard for you to date and you might wanna work on that. Being who you are mostly is meant that you shouldnt comprimise your basic norms and values. But i doubt being shy and intro verted is something that is a core part of your identity.
I think Dr. K said that you must retain your authenticity while still showing interest by asking open-ended questions and flirting. Dialogue is required, even if one is introverted. This might mean that an introvert will need to find an environment where they can feel comfortable establishing a conversation first.
I think the same, it is hard but perhaps we need to just be open and honest about it to whom we're talking to. Thinking about it, it's probably better just laying it out there so we don't have to suppress it down and that the other person is aware that we're absolutely bricking it lol.
then you can always take a shot at more shy girls. You can either improve your ability to talk to girls, which I've found is very different from being introverted, you can try online dating, or you can try with someone who is themselves shy and introverted, or even more. The trick is to follow through with actions and not just words. In real life it's not just about the way you talk to a girl, but also the way you act around people, and your ability to correlate with others. being shy and anxious is something some girls might want, girls kind of want everything, that's the base of thought, as long as it's socailly acceptable, and hygenic, a girl out there definitely wants it. just keep that as a general rule of thumb, it's a bit loose but it keeps you on the right track if all else fails. Conversation is very person to person. We all have different ways to think up about conversation, but the first thing to do is make yourself more available to it in the first place. If you can't strike up conversations, make them happen. I used to be quite anxious myself and what I would do is spend alot of time in public just listening to music with my earphones. I didn't think much of it but, when you do something like that it prevents you from anyone even being able to talk to you. Make yourself available, ask them for formal things, help with schoolwork, help with work itself if they're at work, something you two do and have a chance to connect with formally, once you get that spark you can attempt to read the situation and move ahead. for the earphones example, I just stopped wearing them as much in public, I'm huge into music myself, but making occasions is how you push things over. Another good idea is to talk as loud as you can, just don't think about it and go ahead, speak as loud as possible As for the cringe factor: put yourself first, always. That's the golden rule. If you do something "because" of her that should originally be because of yourself, then you're pushing boundaries and making things weird. For the formal example, obviously don't follow her around and expect to get away from it out of pure random reasoning and coincidence, that does not add up well. Sure she can be a side quest of sorts, I'm doing this because A and also because she's there. But always, and always stick to the first thing being you, or some other thing. Also be slow about it, don't just change your life around entirely, because again, that's you doing it for "her" and not "yourself". seperate the relationship from who you are. work on yourself first and foremost ps: I'm a straight guy but this applies to dates in general, but first and foremost follow your own head, im just some random guy on yt.
You gotta mitigate your shyness man. Im shy (a lot less than before) and introverted too, but I know that everyone is which doesnt make me that vulnerable. Dont put on a show, stand up for yourself and present yourself with certainty. Girls are attracted towards masculinity, be the powerful leader of the conversation.
Yooo Dr.K I’ve been snap chatting this girl for a super long time and finally asked for her phone number after watching this video, things are taking a turn for the best rn, ty dude!
There is so much garbage advice on attraction/dating on youtube from pickup artists and "dating coaches". Nice to hear from somebody whose primary message involves being yourself and not needing to make somebody react to you in a specific way.
Girl here. When he said this at 4:54 ngl my heart kinda fluttered lol, so this is a great tip. The show You is…. Not the best place to get tips from BUT take away Joe’s not so good sides and look at just the sweet ones (which is really attractive - hence why the viewers can be conflicted about him lol) and this way of speaking kinda fits with the sweet, positive sides to Joe and it’s something a lot of girls would probably like.
best take away for me here is just to approach her and say you think she's cute and you wanted to come talk to her and get to know her a little. I wouldn't feel cheesy doing that. it's geniune, it's complementing her, and it shows your intentions
i think the better question is how to not to let the void of loneliness and despair of being alone consume you in order to be your authentic self? i know the formula is to be about your purpose but how to suppress those feelings while trying to be about said purpose? I mean im trying but that shadow in the corner that's knawing at your soul wont let you be lol.
That's... As a lady I definitely prefer this style of flirt - open and authentic - I lost just right amount of friends being dumb enough to be friendly to people who had no intention to be friends :( p.s. also those examples are so cute that actually would have been answered adequately even by traumatized to the core people like me... assuming you prefer adequate response over fear of you.
On a serious note, I always precieve things in the most pessimistic, uncharitable way possible. So, I've never been able to ask a girl out or even flirted because I can't not see myself as a creep. The idea of asking if you can hit on a girl later on in the evening makes my skin crawl. Maybe it's projection due to me being anxious, but basically any interaction even vaguely 'date-y' freaks me out.
That's very… relieving to hear. The hawker stall metaphor clicked. I think I've been too much of a pleaser, and some of those inauthenticity prevented me from presenting what I am, what I like etc.
You basically laid out what I always tell my male friends when they ask me for advice, especially the part about being yourself and asking what their interlocutor is passionate about. My friends usually then reply with "she won't engage in the conversation any further if I do that" or "she said she has no interests or at least not ones we share, and she only answers in monosyllables"; to which I reply "then she doesn't deserve your time and social energy. Talk to someone else, it shouldn't be this hard.". Another thing I often hear is "I can't do what worked for you. You can't understand me. You're a woman: that fact alone is enough to ensure you will find someone who likes you." I find that to be untrue and quite sad. I've never been one of the popular girls, never took particular care of how people perceive me because I don't give a fuck, I just wanna be comfortable. I never wear make up, I'm overweight, I rarely buy brand clothes, I'm unapologetically myself, take it or leave it. Most guys tend to leave it, which is fine, because I only want to spark interest in the people that have my same vibe anyway. I've been told I'm a 4 or a 5/10. I'm confident my current relationship happened mainly because of my attitude, even though at first it was for my thicc butt. My guy and I really do vibe at the same frequency. Bless honesty.
@@SwordWieldingDuck women on online apps are basically items in online shopping. We aren't successful on dating apps as women, we are successful as objects. That's why I never used those. I want to be chosen as a person, not as eye candy or based on superficial knowledge about me. It means we have to be friends before I can consider you as a potential partner(and before I can be considered as a potential partner, because you can only be attracted to me if you get to know me). Trust me, most of the aspects of my life suck but my love life is a fucking success.
@@claradoesnothing again, it is easier for women. If i don't have many women irl in my surroundings due to remote work and specific interests (historical fencing), what am i supposed to do, how can i even meet new women?
@@SwordWieldingDuck holy shit, historical fancing is so cool! I lost count of the videos I watched about it! I asked my bf to sign up to a course with me but it was too expensive. Anyway, my suggestion is to join an activity that requires you to gather with people of any kind at least once a week. Like a workshop, acting lessons, karaoke, free courses, stuff like that. Just once a week. It would also be good for you. Of course I'm saying this but I have no idea HOW rural your area is. I used to live in a rural area where the closest big discount shop was 30 minutes away by car and 60 by bus (only 5 times a day on working days).
also don't forget not to look for the right person in the wrong place sometimes places like tinder can add a lot of pressure because you feel you're expected to prove you're "worthwhile" right away, or you'll have to be carrying conversations for someone attractive that has probably "interviewed" a lot of people all day, and so on at least personally, just finding people through shared interests and just being chill, and not thinking too much about it works best, like say games, friends of friends, etc and like Chris Cornell once sang, "To be yourself is all that you can do"
This was brilliant, thanks Dr K. Love the discussion point towards the beginning, regarding the feeling like there is a responsibility on you to keep something going, I think this is a key piece of advice that many can benefit from. It's an unfair and un-necessary burden to put on yourself! PS: Hair is looking great, hope you're going to keep the growth going, and I hope you're well :)
The biggest issue with modern dating is the great misunderstanding of what people are looking for. If you believe the things that women find attractive in men is the same things men find in women, you have an awful lot to unplug from. Some of you may go "omg you're generalizing". Yes, exactly. Generalizing is how the world works. Ask yourself what the type of person you're looking for is looking for themselves. The answer to this question is extremely easy, or at least it used to be. And finally what do you bring to the table? There's a very high likelihood that what you think you bring to the table is not necessarily what's important. Because the market decides what makes you desirable, not you. Personal worth and dating value are entirely unrelated. I'm not trying to be harsh but reality isn't supposed to be comfortable because you want it to be.
*Key Takeaways:*
1.) "How to get people interested in you?": *You don't.* You need to present yourself as who you are, and if they're interested in you then they'll let you know. Authentic you = Best version of you. To quote someone I saw in chat: "Authentic = Big Chad Energy".
2.) "How to turn small talk into free-flowing conversation": *General Rule of open-ended question followed by investigative response, while making your intentions known and fully clear.* Allow yourself to adjust to the flow of the conversation. If they respond well to a flirt, keep going. If they don't, then don't be afraid to back off.
3.) *Actually try to get to know the person.* You want to actually date them, right? Dating someone involves knowing things about them. Engage in topics you both relate to, and ask open-ended non-confrontational questions to allow the other person to show their true self (going back to Takeaway 1).
4.) *Don't be afraid to be honest; Be authentic!* If you want to strike a conversation with someone, but can't find a way to begin the conversation, just start talking. Don't force an introduction when you had to think about how to say it for the past 30 minutes.
.
5.) *Respect boundaries, but also have confidence.* Going back to takeaway 1 and 4, be authentic and clear with your intentions. If they say yes, or allow you to have a second chance, take it. But if they say no and continue to say no, then respect that.
6.) *Understand that even if they say no, you gave the other person the gift of feeling wanted by another human being. That's a pretty awesome gift to give.* "As long as you're not cringe about it" - Dr. K
> *You don't!*
Hey, alright!
Thanks for the summary! :D
Hey can I copy your no-
Oh, you're already sharing them.
Authentic me? Hmm, OK, let's see - self-loathing, insecure, suicidal, self-harming, zero goals etc etc
What? Not THAT authentic? oh....
Men don't have the luxury to think like that on dating apps, man. I wish we did, but we just don't. If we don't spark interest with the one match we get every solar eclipse, they'll just get bored and move on to one of the hundred other guys in her DMs
Modern dating? I don't even know traditional dating
You guys are getting dates?
@@hungrymusicwolf what's a date?
@@hungrymusicwolf I wouldn't know, I've never had one
@@TheOfficialGoku today's 9th of february 2021
@@koladeac6990 out of curiosity, how old are you?
I feel like an alien studying human interaction. "Hmm, yes, write that down."
same haha
we are all AI robots so yes you need to install , human interactions drivers yes ;D
@@dankdisney7714 I'm definitely gonna wanna check that out, thanks.
I think it's because nobody this generation had a dad who could teach them how to date after the changes that have happened in the past 20 years. what you would have absorbed from older men in your life just doesn't work for a lot of people now, so you find people learning to date like it's an academic subject
@@AugustusBohn0 Dating is actually really intuitive.
Step 1: Be born super hot.
Step 2: Improve your already incredible looks with a stylish haircut and expensive clothes.
Step 3: Do not do shit, the other sex will make it absurdly easy for you to talk to them. THEY will be the ones being nervous about the whole ordeal, not you.
Man it is very easy these days to find a date.
I always use my phone calendar.
Can't believe this isn't top comment
@Meddlecat ah wait whats the difference between fresh and dried dates?? B-because like the dates Ive eaten are usually kinda dry but I though thats just how it be??? IDkNow MaaaN
Frfrfrfrfrfr
100% success rate xD
You had me in the first half
If there's one thing i miss about school is how naturally relationships could start thanks to big friend groups. As an adult it feels like dating and making friends is all about having some kind of end goal to that relationship, and that can end up feeling oppressive.
I find it best to have a hobby, and go somewhere that people also have that hobby.
Then your end goal is your starting goal, enjoy the hobby around other people.
If things move from there, just see where they go, the same way you might just explore some woods just to see what you find.
"Big friend groups", i can count my school friends on my fingers
Persona moment
The school friendships were no different.
Thats why almost all friendships dissolve after the end of hs.
@@iceskaterprotainasxp8276 which is already more than 1 or 2 that typical, extroverted adults have; if you're introverted and haven't carried over friends from college, you have 0
"just be authentic" -Harvard doctor with enough charisma to start a cult if he wanted to
😂
lmao
💯💯💯
This is the top comment I needed this morning 😂
Because he's authentic.
lmao hey :) im going to whole foods, need anything?
Overpriced groceries please
Whats your credit card number??
serotonin
Boneless baguette please
Can I have some guava juice?
Reason why you should be yourself and not act like somebody else:
-You want your crush to fall in love with you, not somebody else.
69 likes nice
I will be whoever the fuck I have to be to receive good touch, cuddles, hugs, holding hands, ANYTHING
@@finbar5421 Ok then just be yourself. Should be the easiest.
@@JarthenGreenmeadow Usually when people say things like "just be yourself" what they really mean be the person I'm accustomed to. If someone is not "being themselves" what is happening is that person is trying to improve in some way. And good for them, self improvement is a good thing. People have the right to define themselves any way they want.
@@JarthenGreenmeadow I'm not a easy or particularly likable person
“Be authentic.”
“Have confidence.”
Pick one, I can’t do both!
This is gonna sound cheesy, self love before love. And having a healthy relationship with urself before someone
Mark Normand?
Be sykkuno
You can´t be your authentic self until you become confident. Once you gain confidence, you will naturally act authentic. If you don´t have confidence in this moment, take baby steps to get there in the long term.
@@a.blackwater3076 Not cheesy at all. Super true. Anything to gain confidence in yourself is good. This is why when people say "don't care what others think" it's true, but that doesn't mean to dress like a bum. Often times, dressing better, getting a good haircut, and working out often can be for yourself more so than for others. If you look good, you feel good. And if you can gain confidence this way, then go for it.
Jim Carrey said "The funny thing is when you start feeling happy alone, that's when everyone decides to be with you."
Y'know what people find really attractive? Emotional maturity, knowing who you are, and having confidence in who that person is.
And money.
@@tiagobarbosa509 LMFAO, money for women especially, men don’t rlly care that much
@@KamiChrisy I’ve seen a few guys mooching off of financially successful women. It’s not as often as women doing it to men of course, but it is something affluent women need to watch out for too, if they care.
I second that!
No, not really, no. Emotional maturity makes you seem boring, being yourself usually will get you friendzoned and you will never know who the other person is.
As a guy, the few random genuine compliments ive gotten from females will stick with me for my entire life
hope you show more that vulnerability
because it’s attractive
@@anacronicocroccroc9629 more vulnerability or more than vulnerability ? I have no issue speaking openly about my opinions and feelings, or being vulnerable, because I'm pretty comfortable in my skin at this point . And personally , it wasnt easy to get to where i am now mentally.
@@anacronicocroccroc9629 Men don't get complimented by women at all. If they do, it's a rare sight. FOH with "VuLnErAbiLitY"
@@TeaMMatE11 based
true
At 5:00 "or she giggles": be aware that laughter can also be a response to discomfort. There's a difference between a flirty happy giggle and somebody laughing because they are uncomfortable but don't know what to say to make you back off.
Exactly. There is never a way to 100% know what she feels but you can get close by noticing multiple patterns at the same time instead of just one thing
@@Zeegoner Yes exactly. You need to pay attention to multiple things like what the laugh sounds like, facial expression, where she's looking and general body language.
I think Dr K maybe forgets that some of the people watching are autistic or have some autistic-like difficulty reading body language, and that can make stuff like this really difficult and stressful because we don't read those signals intuitively. It sounds like Dr K assumes this will be easy for everyone and it just isn't.
@@SomeoneBeginingWithI I thought this was mostly about flirting through text messages. So not sure how much what you say applies in that situation. Pretty much the worst thing that can happen is that she stops responding to your messages. If she keeps responding with replies that aren't 1 or 2 words long, you're probably not doing that bad.
@@sitofak it started out being about texting and dating aps but then Dr K started talking about meeting people irl.
If you make the other person uncomfortable, that's a bad outcome too. It's not all about you.
@@SomeoneBeginingWithI Ok, I get it. I was approaching it from my perspective of overcoming shyness. When it comes to me, I would rather err on the side of making someone slightly uncomfortable by being too open rather than not saying something out of fear that it may offend them.
I don't have any experience with autism so what you're saying may be helpful to someone who is on the autism spectrum.
3:37 oh god his hair is almost long enough for a man bun, he's becoming too powerful
it's not even his final form
petition for Dr K to let his hair grow longer so he can rock the Eren yeager hairstyle
He’s ascending
@@moezbenhassen8351 He just keeps moving forward until all our depression is cured
@@GuanglaiKangyi Best comment
"it's not your job to spark interest" ...........well, there goes my entire social strategy
thats just how life is for me, you just need to be your self and if you feel like you dont connect then just move on.
As simple as that
Legit
Nah, I've been running the "never leaving my apartment or talking to anyone" strat for a really long time, it's bound to pay off any day now!
I started a first date by asking, "So would you eat a dog?" because it was the last thing I was thinking of as I walked into the bar to meet her. And we haven't stopped laughing two years later.
I went off tinder cause there just wasnt the right people for me, but now I know exactly what to do next
Gonna get a bunch of peacock feathers, fancy shirt, nice jeans and hope my mating shakes work their magic
Why not get a pet peacock
Id date someone with a pet peacock
@@suides4810now that sounds like a great first date, infiltrating the black market pet trade
@@suides4810 peacocks are really loud.
That might actually fucking work, no cap
Tinder is designed not to work. If you met someone on there hold on to them. It is ment to be if not even tinder can keep you from each other.
As long as you don't hurt any birds, I like the peacock approach. Good luck.
Dr. K- "Be your authentic self," also Dr. K- "be... respectful... make her laugh, be funny, you know have confidence."
I'm getting some real mixed signals here.
Don't be a clown for the other person that's the takeaway
If you are yourself, you can always be funny. This doesn't mean that you have to crack jokes, just confidently telling some anecdote or something about yourself in a playful manner.
An example, let's say you both like karaoke, but you are not actually a good singer, although you don't care about that.
You could confidently say something like "Nice, I have finally found a partner for my duett, you bring the nice voice and I bring the ...ähhm passion XD" or something like this. Which is basically implying that you are confident in yourself, tells something about you (Like "I don't take myself too seriously") and is also kind of funny.
Or when she is searching for an intelligent guy, but you sometimes do stupid stufff, you could say something like "I don't really know if I can be the smart guy here, because I'm definitely a dumb fuck at times, just recently I did *something stupid and funny* XD "
You could also do this the other way around, where you are more like "roasting" here, but there you have to be more careful not to actually offend her.
sooo... you're not respectful?
@@iboyodi Being disrespectful and joking with someone is definitely not the same.
@Unironik This was just an example for something, that COULD be in a persons bio and that you could work with, not a statement about what girls actually search for.
But yeah, there are not that many female gamers on dating platforms and you can only really talk about programming when the other person also does something similar.
I wholeheartedly agree that one should just be themselves because any relationship built on inauthenticity will be doomed to fail. But, one should also introspect and address any objectively undesirable personality traits that may be making them less attractive, perhaps even something that they could improve upon physically such as becoming healthier, getting a nice haircut, wearing nice clothes, without going overboard of course.
Well the idea is that you are someone who respects themselves and has goals and ambitions beyond pleasing the other sex so naturally youd take care of yourself, workout, groom, have good style, and be financially dependable. If you dont have that, you have bigger problems than attracting woman. Even if you con one into being with you, she stays with you for long enough you will get complacent and she will run. The only way to attract and keep a woman is to adopt a genuine lifestyle of being confident successful and hardworking man. The question you have to ask yourself is, what if women didn’t like successful, healthy, well groomed men and fat, smelly, and broke men became the new hot, would you turn into a bum to get women? if your answer is yes, you are a weak man and you will have a lot of difficulty attracting the opposite sex, be it men or women, whatever you are into.
@ItsGravyBaby Hope she sees this bro
@@m.a6899 If you think all (heterosexual) women can be characterised as being exclusively attracted to confident, successful, hardworking men, then that is incredibly sad. People are not one-dimensional beings, incapable of deviating from predetermined algorithms of attractiveness.
@@GamerLad98 Most of us are though. I'd suggest if a woman isn't attracted to men who are confident or successful it's often an esteem issue on her part. Confidence and success and good looks and things aren't societal algorithms, it's mostly hard wired biology that's been shown time and time again in studies. It's also replicated in the animal kingdom. While sure, we can deviate, I would suggest most of us don't want to or it doesn't occur to us to. If you find a woman who says she likes unattractive lazy guys, this is usually a result of something that happened to her or her upbringing rather than a genuine preference.
So glad you mentioned the spark of interest part. People treat dating like learning a special code, saying the right thing and hoping it sparks a fire of interest. Dating should be about meeting people, conversing with them, deciding whether that person is right for you, and seeing if they feel the same way. Although dating can feel like a chore, it should be about fostering connections and getting to know people on a human level.
lots of people have this mechanistic understanding of romantic relationships as well as other kinds of relationships and it's alienating af to be on the receiving end of.
I had a friend disrespect me in a major way and then double down it, and then only when I made it clear I wasn't putting up with it did he scramble to offer a token apology. People aren't companionship vending machines that dispense what you want after reciting the right sequence of mouth noises, it's more complicated than that.
As for romantic relationships, there are some people you can hook up with and some you can't. Talking to/dating somebody isn't about programming them to enter companion mode, it's about determining whether you and they are compatible. To at least some extent, that's already determined before the first conversation even starts.
Yup that’s definitely how I think. How do you change that?
A good way to take rejection: If they say no, they just realised you are not compatible faster than you did.
It's not about their status, wealth or looks - it's about *them*. Anything else will lead to misery for everyone involved.
Hey thats a good way of looking at it
Oh yea 100%. I've beat rejection before and got into a 5 month hellstorm of a relationship. Would not recommend.
whoa I just realized how true this is
what if you ask them again and they say yes?
@@heinoustentacles5719 Is that something which actually happened to you (it can happen for various reasons but it's not common) or just something you're hoping for?
What strikes me in these conversations is no one seems to consider that YOU should also be trying to figure out if THEY are interesting people as well. People get so worked up trying to make people interested but you are the other half of the interaction. Find out what makes them interesting in regards to yourself. Your interest in them is just as important. Weight needs to be taken off of you and you'll be more at ease I think once you accept that, thus have more flowing and natural conversation
6:29 "The last person I picked up was 17-" *oh no*
"...years ago" *phew*
"... like two years ago." MonkaS
There wasn't even a pause... you're weird for thinking that tbh lol
Well he is in his late 30s if I remember correctly, so only a few years of
@@BigZesusTekken no he’s funny. recognize it when you see it and your life will be a little more fun and less cringe (this is not a diss)
Lmaooo
i love drk's chat dude. everybody starts sadging when he said "no im seeing someone".
The best thing you said here for me personally is, that at lest you made someone feel good about them selves. I never really though of it that way. I actually thought I was kind of being annoying doing so, if I got rejected.
Doc's Hair game though.... SHEESH
It's so insane that there is a 10 minute video that is so easy to understand about something that is so complicated and hard to do. You're the best Dr. K.!
That's exactly right. I was for so long focused on being or saying something that will make the other side interested in me. Just as the person writing the question did. And once I realized it had nothing to do with that I was really mind blown. For instance, if the other side is not attracted and interested in you, there's nothing you can do or say that will make them suddenly want to date you, now, if they weren't interested in you at the start and once you started a conversation, they gradually got interested then it's not because of what you were saying, it's that you displayed what you have to offer and they liked that. So, in my experience you have to be the person they want to date and no cheesy line will get you the girl/boy/apache helicopter/other.
All those $49.99 or $99.99 pua programs that make you think there's some jedi mind trick you can use.
Puas teach :
Man: i *am* the guy you're looking for
Woman : you are the guy i'm looking for
Man: we will do something this weekend.
Woman : we should do something this weekend
I have my first date ever on Friday with a girl I met on the internet, thank god I watched this video. Thank you Dr. K, wish me luck!
Good luck! Let us know how it goes
@@emptyi511 she ghosted me, left me on read for 24H before the date and didn't show up :/ It is what it is though, she prolly wasn't the one anyway. Had my best friend over instead, we watched movies and played FIFA :D
@@Snalle damn I'm sorry to hear that. Keep your head up though it's probably as you said. You'll find better soon enough. On the bright side, you got to see your best friend and have some fun playing FIFA and watching some movies which honestly sounds pretty nice! :)
@@emptyi511 thank you for the kind words and the support, you're absolutely right.
@@Snalle Yeah don't mention it! I hope all goes well for you :D
That last part is a selfless way of thinking about rejection. Often times I find myself getting to caught up in my own fear of rejection, so this was really well said and helped a lot, thanks Dr. K!!!
"The last 10mins I've been thinking of what to say to you and start a conversation , can you help me out?" "No".... "Okay good talk". That is how it went for me.
lmao nice
That just terrible manners from her side, I'm sorry you had to hear that. :(
if they respond so rudely, you can be glad you dodged a bullet
And that's fine, isn't it? She probably wasn't interested
@@cristinaherreragonzalez398 And it's still women who say that taking initiative is so hard, right?
Thinking about makkng someone feel good about themselves is actually a great way i can think about rejection. Thats great advice ty!
Copege
that can backfire if the woman thinks you're ugly. She'll come to the conclusion of, "why do i only attract these types of people".
"you're the only scuba diver I know, let's dive together one day" was my pickup line.
we've been dating for 6 years and just finished a round the world trip.
The part about being yourself sounds so cliché but it's 100%accurate.
i have more respect for the men that say ¨ look i just want to fuck¨ than i do for the guys who act like thats not their end goal eventhough it is. when you arent genuine and up front and just beat around the bush it can make you seem creepy and that you are not a genuine person.
Lots of comments say something along the lines of “being authentic & confident is an oxymoron for me.” & I think there’s a few healthy ways to think about this.
A. If you’re not confident in who you are, 1. Asses if there’s valid reason for your insecurities or whether you’re simply being too hard on yourself. 2 Once you’ve improved yourself or begun to accept yourself for who you are, you’ll become more confident in yourself. Basically, it’s the age old trope of “loving yourself.” If you can’t love yourself or you have nothing going for yourself, you’re probably going to be codependent in your next relationship.
B. Being confident isn’t all about being outgoing, or assured of your complete competency in all areas of social interaction. Being confident is the social equivalent of being brave is in a physical altercation. You may feel fear, but being brave is feeling the anxiety & doing that thing anyways.
For me confidence & authenticity means I don’t fear rejection anymore. I’m confident that as long as I put myself out & be authentic I’ll attract the kind of person that I jell with. I might see someone who looks like what I want, but if we start talking & it doesn’t click that’s for the best. Imagine if we didn’t click & it did work out: went on more dates that were mediocre & we were both on our phones the whole time, but hey we looked like we should be together so we kept at it! Got married & had kids. We both have completely different ideas on how to raise kids. Get the picture?
As long as you’re confident that putting the real you out there, anxiety & existential depression & all, will result in the right person for you to come around. Then you’re truly ahead of the curve in the dating scene, just by just getting there in your personal growth
Dating always feels like such a weird term. It feels disingenuous. I don’t want to talk to women specifically for my own selfish reasons, because there is another human involved in that. I’d prefer to meet someone I find genuinely interesting, build a slow bond with them, and maybe some day get into a relationship. Maybe that’s asking for too much though.
I don't think that's asking too much at all. In fact I think what you're describing is exactly what everyone wants. Dating apps absolutely are disingenuous though, imo. You're literally trying to sell your looks and personality to other people while simultaneously trying to represent your entire being into a small amount of characters on a screen. Personally I say build friendships, get to know people, be yourself, don't be an ass if you get rejected, and you'll do just fine. Obviously we need to not be in a pandemic for that, but I for one believe that patience will be rewarded in time.
thats what dating means to me
@@feastildur I’m starting to lose my patience... :/
@@carvman217 but why exactly? I'm not trying to be rude but do you need a significant other right now? I used to be obsessed with the idea of getting a girlfriend, and that attitude made me really toxic and unhappy. Sometimes you just gotta learn to let go and not worry so much about what you can't control.
@@feastildur I’ve just gotten so close soo many times, but then something always happens or the feeling just suddenly switches on their part or whatever. It’s just so frustrating, to get so far and everytime nothing comes of it
I think there needs to be like a crash course on making your dating profile. I have a gf now but I recall so many women having 'message me and find out' or their interests are 'dogs, adventures the show friends and coffee' or 'the office' and 'traveling and hiking' like maybe I'm just too dynamic of a person and with my interests but when I saw that and I didnt care how pretty you are. They had the most common and uninteresting interests and nothing else saying what they are like or about as a person. Following the street vendor analogy, it's like having the table to display your stuff but not actually putting stuff on it. Like I cant imagine that 1 out of 2 women (anecdotal) only have a combination of 3 of the interests I mentioned earlier. This is all aside of how terrible dating sites are. But it's almost as if people arent even trying to make the worst of a mediocre situation.
Not so much with dating but, one of the things that helped me with social anxiety and talking to new people was something from the late Larry King's book "How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere".
The TL;DR is that everyone is an expert in something you know almost nothing about. Find what people are interested in and try to understand the what/why/how. Being honest and empathetic and being genuinely curious goes very far.
Thank you I really needed this. I was pretty down in the dumps this week after being rejected and ghosted, and wondered if there was something about me that needed changing - but the analogy about being a market stall vendor and presenting yourself fully and authenticity really spoke to me and allowed things to be put in perspective. Thank you!
For men and online dating it comes down to this. It doesnt matter how original or unique your opener is. If she isnt attracted to your photos your out of luck. Meeting girls in person is ten times easier.
Fr
in person is the same, keep coping
@@oil1252loser🎉
@@oil1252its really not lmfao
Tried both and it's the same. Meeting girls in-person is still down to if she's attracted to your appearance, and will shut you down before you even open your mouth the say hi.
"We live in a society" - Dr. K 10:13
Epic gamer moment.
Yo he even has sorta Joker-like hair right before it lmao.
@@nomadsland8322 so true, he spoke like a closeted Joker 😂
"Be Pog, Don't be Cringe..." peepoNotes
"Your job is to lay out the stuff on the table" - Dr. K. 2021
So, 'be yourself'. I don't really know how to be anyone else, so this is my default setting.
36 years in, and nobody has seen that person and been interested enough.
thank you! i've actually been approaching Dating Apps in that way recently, so it's good to hear this reaffirmed. i'm done with the chasing, someone will pursue me if they want to, and on the otherside, if they're boring to talk to i'm not gonna drag it out just because the person is hot. lol i'm gay and this is still good advice even if it's a little bit different, sexuality doesn't change dating a ton.
Oh man what would normally be 10/10 content on itself is further amplified by that hilarious chat getting absolutely riled up and taking notes on Dr. Chad giving dating advice. I fucking love this community.
Balance: 1 credit
-Being funny: 1 credit
-being authentic: 1 credit
f
lul
Being attractive: 1 000 credits
F
But that was funny though. There is hope yet my guy!
How about you replace "funny" with "fun"? Show that you give a shit about life, that you can enjoy it and keep it real.
9:10 this is the most TRUE thing I have ever heard
yeah made me realize , that complimenting someone and saying what you genuinely think about them without overthinking takes just a minute , but they might end up thinking bout it later and will make them feel happy . its a win win sitaution , but its the lack of confidence that prevents them i guess
@@srikanth6170 also TRUE
@@UpsetSpaghet That idea is awful, because you would boost her ego for free. It's enough for women these days, they have ego boosters literally everywhere (in real live and especially in social media). Most women think they deserve their princes already, don't make things worse.
my current partner of 1.5 years came up to me at an event and said "so what's your life story?" and things worked out pretty well from there
Wow that's honestly a good one. I think I might try that at a rave some time. Rave people might like stuff like that :)
ur prolly a chad. if you are not a chad in 2021 dating is bleak
Let me guess, he is pretty tall?
@@yzwme586 i know too many non chads in relationships
adding that to the list of things that didn't happen
As a woman…This is honestly the most solid advice I’ve heard in any dating video. It’s not about controlling and MAKING them interested in you. Show who are just for your OWN practice of self expression for yourself, and someone who’s truly interested in you for your whole self will come along and it’ll be a great relationship because you weren’t trying to manipulate someone into liking you and later on they WILL realize you aren’t who you said you were and *boom* trust completely gone and now you’re single again.
Listen to this man. He’s a wizened sage.
more girls should make the first move as well then !
He is not a sage i think, he's a psychologist
@@crystyxnthat used to bother me a lot but I know why women act like that, they don’t want to feel like the man, which goes against all notions of equality but there’s no fairness in the sexual marketplace
@@SeFu2006 haha same bro. Also nice PFP, always wanted to play FF15. I loves FF7 remake
"be authentic, be yourself"
Well, I'm just not even gonna talk to anyone at all.
One thing I want to add is that dating is a skill. You level that skill up the more you do it. Don't be afraid of the first few dates being awkward or something like that because you get better over time
Here's a tip from someone who has bounced from social butterfly to being terrified of social interaction and vice versa. A lot of it is being capable of demonstrating interest in the person and being interested in putting yourself out there. The best way to start building this skill is just striking up small talk and doing it slowly. I cannot tell you how many times I was feeling down, felt like I wasn't interesting enough or spontaneous enough because I would often forget that social interaction in any context is actually about practicing a degree of self-esteem. Ask someone on the way to work something, 'where did you get x', 'do you like this commute?' etc. As you practice you will gain a sense for what works and what doesn't and you will have an OPPORTUNITY to move the conversation onto something else. When you are ready you can turn that 'something else' into asking them out.
This is so true, and working in customer service was really my crash course. When I first started, I could barely mouth greetings to customers without being terrified that I was bothering them. Gradually, as I received welcoming and acceptance from strangers, I realized I could open up and be genuinely warm and welcoming in return and encourage them to voice their needs. This has completely transformed how I talk to pretty much everybody.
This is such a sweet video, and full of things I needed to hear. I'm going out with friends tonight so if I spot someone I'm attracted to, I think I'll give it a go!
I never had an issue getting dates when I was in school or around people regularly, but I don't even get swiped on through any online mediums. And when I do I just get ghosted in a few days. It's so disparate I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.
I know I'm not like hideously unattractive, I know I have plenty to say to someone if we have enough in common. I've had enough close relationships in my life to reinforce that. It's just that none of that matters if nobody even wants to start a conversation with you.
It's actually funny, I find that more women are interested in me now, even though at this time in my life I'm not interested in dating. I think the reason is I've been putting in no effort in putting on a mask for people, I just act in a way I find most comfortable and natural. Like I guess the girls I interact with think it's really easy to talk to me because I just listen most of the time, I don't try and push anything on them and instead I just let them talk or respond however they want to, and when I do respond I'm just honest with them, I don't try and say something to impress them or anything.
That happens a lot.
Don't meant to demean you just curious, how old are you when this started happening to you.
@@piyushsharma3991 well for a while i was a bit of a shut in so i hardly interacted with people outside of my close friends, but i went back to work recently and started meeting new people, that's when i started noticing this. And currently I'm 22
@@vic2_o oh ok, I was a bit worried that you're gonna say "I'm in my thirties " because in my mind I was like "Man I don't wanna give up hope and wait till I'm thirty to start having women noticing me"
I do that but NGL, never goes beyond staring at each other or talking about life. None of us make a move cos probably they're just friendly you know. And rejection does still suck for me to handle so i just disappear from their bubble for a bit
Being yourself and not trying to entertain a woman has become dramatically difficult, and it is not just about tinder.
Have you considered that this is all in your head? I wouldn't say dating is difficult, it just tends to take time. I remember it took me like 4 years on and off on some dating apps to find a wonderful person that I am with for 2 years now. You just need patience. And I did not had the feeling that I needed to entertain her, because the things I talked about were things she also found entertaining. I agree with Dr. K... all you need to do is lay out your hand and see if she's interested in it. If she doesn't respond, move on. Yes, there are many women that want to be entertained, but those are not the kind of women searching for a meaningful relationship. Again, move on and save your time for someone who is interested!
I disagree, I mean sure depending on your personality you might have a harder time naturally meshing with a woman but trust me, to entertain a woman by putting up some completely fake act takes WAY too much work and I personally believe you wouldn't be as happy if it had worked anyways. Because you know who you really are, and you know that this wasn't you that you were showing her. Now obviously being more charming or socially adept helps for sure. But don't make a whole new persona for a woman. Not worth it.
@@sudoku3830 How tall are you?
@Unironik based
@@deistrix3239 5'5/6 in american measurement. I understand why you asked and yes, there's plenty superficial women, but it doesn't matter. As matter of fact, my girlfriend of 2 years told me she wasn't impressed by my height at first, even though she is smaller than me, but quickly learned to love me for my personality. This is the kind of women you need to look out for. People that judge you based on stuff that you can not control are not worth any effort. Again, patience and personality are key.
I lost it when I saw someone toward the beginning in chat write “PepeNote buy a table”
Hopefully I can provide some perspective on this topic as a gamer with a history of being bullied over looks to studying this topic and growing to having two girlfriends, the latter of which became my wife of over 4 years.
Dating can be complex, sure. But the overall concept is very simple: it's a sort of exchange of sexual value. every person is not mating with every other available person at all times, the reason being that there are biological and psychological barriers in place to control such--and to get deeper, it's to ensure the passing on of desirable genes. this natural selective process on the macro level becomes dating.
And I bring up the scientific aspect of it to reframe the question of "how do I date?" into "what (perceived) value do I provide?" the keyword is perceived because the potential love interest you communicate with doesn't actually know you, only what you present to them in your interaction. and people who can convey the most value in their interactions will have the most success.
THAT'S why everyone emphasizes "having confidence" as the #1 piece of dating advice (presented to cishet men at least) because it is a projection of the value that you inherently have as a man. this is something every man can do, even if you doubt yourself.
In this sense, it's why "being confident" and "being yourself" are not mutually exclusive. The former is a modifier of sorts, but it's also not a personality trait so you'd still need to inject some of your personal content into it. the reason why you might not "identify with" confidence is because you are used to experiencing a lack of it. however there are likely other times you can think of in your life where the feeling was present so it's an achievable thing you can get or get back.
of course, confidence can fluctuate and our society does a lot to destroy everyone's confidence at some point to profit from it, men included, but you can work towards building your confidence by talking note of your strengths and investing as much as you can in them. there's plenty of attractive qualities, but the 3 most OP skills are: 3) confidence 2) looks 1) social skills ("charisma"). other important abilities are: emotional/financial stability, maturity, humor, and handling rejection (something that happens to all humans at some point).
If this seems like a tall order, think of it like most video games. There's certainly some challenge involved because no one is intended to win automatically, but if you learn the mechanics and execute them properly then you will see success. and depending on your level of mastery, you'll see overwhelming success. if I can do it as someone who didn't have my first kiss until adulthood, a hopeless 20 year old virgin to getting married 5 years later then anyone else can too.
Love Dr. K for creating this platform to have these kinds of conversations ♥️
it took me nearly 40 minutes to write this comment so I sincerely hope it can help someone out there!
none of this shit makes sense I just want to be aromantic and asexual
@@lowtech42 Your comment really does help me right now, it helped me put things into perspective. Thank you so much!
@@lowtech422 years later and it’s helped me
This is one of the best summaries of what dating truly entails that I've read in this channel's comment section. 👍🏾💯
Female here. I'd be receptive to the "I can't think of what to say" line at a party/bar. I'd be weirded out if y'all did it at the dog park, tho. That's when you use the "what's your dog's name?/and who is this adorable pupper?" lines.
*Dr. Chad Thundercock strikes again*
Dr. Wish, Wannabe.
When you are authentic, you usually are more confident
Because you’re just being you. And you do that all the time, you’re a pro at that
The conversation is like a ball you are throwing back and forth. Responding to a question with a one-word answer, or not asking a question back, counts as dropping the ball. If you keep dropping the ball, then talking becomes a lot more work and a lot less fun. If your date drops the ball, smooth things over by picking it back up with a question or a subject change.
"What do you do for a living" can be a good question, but it's really a gamble. Some people are probably quite proud of their career or passionate about it, but it's also just as well that some people really hate it and don't want to think about it when they're going out.
It's not a good question, but better than nothing. I always use it whenever I can't think of something better to ask and many people use that question. It's fine. Just move on and don't talk about jobs for 10 minutes straight unless it's about actual passion, too or something.
if they dont like their job its a good way to segway into asking what their dream job is, which leads into finding out their passions/hobbies
@@DjVilez I agree, you can easily follow up with "if you could do anything, what would you want to do?" Which I think informs a lot about a person.
Yes this question is great to know littlebit more about that person
There's something similar if you google "36 questions to fall in love"
This is the most detailed and well thought out way of saying “just be yourself” I’ve ever seen haha
Modern tech makes dating easier, but makes people flakey or more self conscious. Good advice; be authentic, be your own filter..
ComfyNami ASMR Disclaimer: Only works if you're hot.
this is a very nuanced topic. I know for me im just not "myself" over the phone. I dont like texting and i cant maintain interest in small talk/introductions. I like face to face interaction and from what Ive experienced most people on most dating sites arent really invested. Theyre either looking to hook up or theyre bored. No one is looking for love.
I've come to the same conclusions recently on my own and it feels great for Dr K to approve them
The best "we live in a society" ever.
I love that perspective of yours.
Making a flirt towards someone is pretty much the same as making a compliment.
I like complimenting people for when they do well anyways. So I guess I should treat flirting the same way?
Obviously within the boundaries of common sense.
my crush literally just held the door open & bowed down for me. after that i tried to get his number, because i gained so much interest just from that interaction. i haven't met him again since then, because of covid, but we live really close & i can't wait to finally see him again when the lockdown is over. since i got his number we talked non stop & it's like we're fucking soulmates.
such a simple move but effective
Hope it turns out good for you two!
Please do more about dating. It's funny because this was uploaded just as I left my therapists office after she told me I should start dating again.
"I dont know what "based" means" got me laughing
Your avatar, where did you get it from?
@@Deliverygirl no idea i do know its a cat 3d modeled on a ball tho
Hey Dr K, I wanted to thank you for doing what you do. You are one of the most intelligent, well-spoken, kind, and non-judgmental people that I have stumbled across on youtube or twitch. You have created such a good resource for FREE to anyone on the internet, I appreciate what you do and respect the hell out of you man! Your videos and streams have helped me get through some rough patches of time over the past year and a half. Keep up the great work! Love you man!
Interviewing for a job has a lot of similarities to this too!
That last part cannot possibly be true. Having to reject someone’s unwanted advances seems like it would be a horrifying situation to be in whether they were being “cringe” about it or not.
When else do you have to let someone down right to their face when they’re at their most vulnerable? That literally sounds like a nightmare scenario. Like I literally mean that sounds like the exact kind of thing I would have legitimate actual stress dream nightmares about.
I cannot fathom how getting asked out by someone you’re not interested in could be anything less than an absolutely mortifying experience MUCH LESS somehow uplifting.
I just straight up can’t wrap my head around it.
"Most people find that attractive when you're authentic and fun."
What if I'm not exactly fun when I'm authentic? Not like I'm a downer either, but I tend to think about abstract things a lot, reflect on myself and this world, etc. A lot of people don't find me "fun" for this exact reason. People generally want something that's not complicated, and I'm not that.
Then you gotta wait or date A LOT, or change yourself
its possible to change and still be yourself. im not fun by the standards of going out clubbing and doing risky behaviours but i am fun in the sense that i like to go to the beach, parks, play games, make jokes at my exspense, go biking/scootering, go to places ive never been to just because, heck ill even do something i dont usually like to do. with being a ¨fun¨ person its just about seeing the joy and excitement in an otherwise boring or mundane thing.
2:45 this is 100% true. The only guys I’ve ever kept a conversation with are because they are authentic and act fun, like themselves, on the first conversations instead of going for the “hey” or “wyd”.
i just want to meet new people and this isn't exclusive to online dating, but now i have to resort to talking online/discord. it's been really hard but i appreciate this video
Yeah I’m in the same boat. And on discord too. Maybe we can talk? :3
@@ezaf5989 thats u dawg
@@musabs5848 sure my discord is coehl#0339 and im in the healthy gamer discord too. that's where all my socialization's been lol
That street vendor analogy made something click in my head made so much sense thanks a lot
Not just for dating, but I've found asking questions that start with "Why..." are much better to get people talking about things they care about and value as opposed to questions that start with "What..."
Why are we still here, just to suffer? :D
Basically do whatever you find to be challenging your capacity in any form. Something that's enjoyable, exciting and is a positive experience especially considering the challenge and learning involved to be unpleasant at times but you win as this is overcome.
Venting time. Dating? Never had one. Don't know how. People don't believe me. I'm almost 30 and it seems like nobody around my age even wants to date in the first place. I've been cancelled on or outright stood up dozens of times. Nobody gives an explaination either. I've told my one friend and family in detail about how it goes down and they just say I'm unlucky. Same with new people I try to make friends with. Weird considering it seems like I always get along amazingly with the people I talk to. I legitimately don't know what's wrong with me, or maybe I'm just one of the unluckiest people out there. Fml I'm ready to give up after fifteen years of trying.
Thank you for bringing up the bit about the investigative response. In my experience a lot of people don't ask (don't know how to ask?) proper follow-up questions and a lot of my dating app convos ended up feeling more like a game of 20 Questions eventually. Why are people in such a rush to go through all the conversation topics without dwelling on anything? That's exactly how you get awkward small talk…right?!
just tank the psychotic stress and bottle the emotions and do you
works every time
Sounds like a damn problem
@@pogo8050 na fam im not twitchin im just dancin
Lol I do the same thing, and it always works
Bottle your emotions.... in a bottle of whiskey.... after you drank the whole thing... /s
@@thevanillatoast i love this comment lol
I realised a while ago that it doesnt make sense for me to change myself to spark interest in others. I am not interested in a deeper relationship with someone that is not interested in my real self or my real interests.
You say be how you are. But what if I am really shy and introverted? That way it will be almost impossible finding a partner and being who I am.
Sorry to say but those characteristics are gonna make it very hard for you to date and you might wanna work on that. Being who you are mostly is meant that you shouldnt comprimise your basic norms and values. But i doubt being shy and intro verted is something that is a core part of your identity.
I think Dr. K said that you must retain your authenticity while still showing interest by asking open-ended questions and flirting. Dialogue is required, even if one is introverted. This might mean that an introvert will need to find an environment where they can feel comfortable establishing a conversation first.
I think the same, it is hard but perhaps we need to just be open and honest about it to whom we're talking to. Thinking about it, it's probably better just laying it out there so we don't have to suppress it down and that the other person is aware that we're absolutely bricking it lol.
then you can always take a shot at more shy girls. You can either improve your ability to talk to girls, which I've found is very different from being introverted, you can try online dating, or you can try with someone who is themselves shy and introverted, or even more. The trick is to follow through with actions and not just words. In real life it's not just about the way you talk to a girl, but also the way you act around people, and your ability to correlate with others.
being shy and anxious is something some girls might want, girls kind of want everything, that's the base of thought, as long as it's socailly acceptable, and hygenic, a girl out there definitely wants it. just keep that as a general rule of thumb, it's a bit loose but it keeps you on the right track if all else fails.
Conversation is very person to person. We all have different ways to think up about conversation, but the first thing to do is make yourself more available to it in the first place. If you can't strike up conversations, make them happen. I used to be quite anxious myself and what I would do is spend alot of time in public just listening to music with my earphones. I didn't think much of it but, when you do something like that it prevents you from anyone even being able to talk to you. Make yourself available, ask them for formal things, help with schoolwork, help with work itself if they're at work, something you two do and have a chance to connect with formally, once you get that spark you can attempt to read the situation and move ahead. for the earphones example, I just stopped wearing them as much in public, I'm huge into music myself, but making occasions is how you push things over. Another good idea is to talk as loud as you can, just don't think about it and go ahead, speak as loud as possible
As for the cringe factor: put yourself first, always. That's the golden rule. If you do something "because" of her that should originally be because of yourself, then you're pushing boundaries and making things weird. For the formal example, obviously don't follow her around and expect to get away from it out of pure random reasoning and coincidence, that does not add up well. Sure she can be a side quest of sorts, I'm doing this because A and also because she's there. But always, and always stick to the first thing being you, or some other thing. Also be slow about it, don't just change your life around entirely, because again, that's you doing it for "her" and not "yourself". seperate the relationship from who you are. work on yourself first and foremost
ps: I'm a straight guy but this applies to dates in general, but first and foremost follow your own head, im just some random guy on yt.
You gotta mitigate your shyness man. Im shy (a lot less than before) and introverted too, but I know that everyone is which doesnt make me that vulnerable. Dont put on a show, stand up for yourself and present yourself with certainty.
Girls are attracted towards masculinity, be the powerful leader of the conversation.
Yooo Dr.K I’ve been snap chatting this girl for a super long time and finally asked for her phone number after watching this video, things are taking a turn for the best rn, ty dude!
Good luck
There is so much garbage advice on attraction/dating on youtube from pickup artists and "dating coaches". Nice to hear from somebody whose primary message involves being yourself and not needing to make somebody react to you in a specific way.
There's another YT'er called Anthony Recenello that does social skills coaching and is my go-to on this subject
Girl here.
When he said this at 4:54 ngl my heart kinda fluttered lol, so this is a great tip.
The show You is…. Not the best place to get tips from BUT take away Joe’s not so good sides and look at just the sweet ones (which is really attractive - hence why the viewers can be conflicted about him lol) and this way of speaking kinda fits with the sweet, positive sides to Joe and it’s something a lot of girls would probably like.
best take away for me here is just to approach her and say you think she's cute and you wanted to come talk to her and get to know her a little.
I wouldn't feel cheesy doing that. it's geniune, it's complementing her, and it shows your intentions
Great advice dr.k the vendor analogy was spot on. And the big one is MAKE YOUR INTENTIONS KNOWN. FLIRT. Or you will get stuck in the friend zone
Well the answer is to not make Smalltalk
but to jump into a converational topic that seems to be liked by the person in question and quite light.
:p
i think the better question is how to not to let the void of loneliness and despair of being alone consume you in order to be your authentic self? i know the formula is to be about your purpose but how to suppress those feelings while trying to be about said purpose? I mean im trying but that shadow in the corner that's knawing at your soul wont let you be lol.
That's... As a lady I definitely prefer this style of flirt - open and authentic - I lost just right amount of friends being dumb enough to be friendly to people who had no intention to be friends :( p.s. also those examples are so cute that actually would have been answered adequately even by traumatized to the core people like me... assuming you prefer adequate response over fear of you.
On a serious note, I always precieve things in the most pessimistic, uncharitable way possible. So, I've never been able to ask a girl out or even flirted because I can't not see myself as a creep. The idea of asking if you can hit on a girl later on in the evening makes my skin crawl. Maybe it's projection due to me being anxious, but basically any interaction even vaguely 'date-y' freaks me out.
That's very… relieving to hear. The hawker stall metaphor clicked. I think I've been too much of a pleaser, and some of those inauthenticity prevented me from presenting what I am, what I like etc.
You basically laid out what I always tell my male friends when they ask me for advice, especially the part about being yourself and asking what their interlocutor is passionate about.
My friends usually then reply with "she won't engage in the conversation any further if I do that" or "she said she has no interests or at least not ones we share, and she only answers in monosyllables";
to which I reply "then she doesn't deserve your time and social energy. Talk to someone else, it shouldn't be this hard.".
Another thing I often hear is "I can't do what worked for you. You can't understand me. You're a woman: that fact alone is enough to ensure you will find someone who likes you."
I find that to be untrue and quite sad. I've never been one of the popular girls, never took particular care of how people perceive me because I don't give a fuck, I just wanna be comfortable. I never wear make up, I'm overweight, I rarely buy brand clothes, I'm unapologetically myself, take it or leave it.
Most guys tend to leave it, which is fine, because I only want to spark interest in the people that have my same vibe anyway. I've been told I'm a 4 or a 5/10.
I'm confident my current relationship happened mainly because of my attitude, even though at first it was for my thicc butt. My guy and I really do vibe at the same frequency. Bless honesty.
Guys have a real hard time understanding the "She's just not into you" part. They still expect us to give them attention whether we like them or not
I still do think it is way easier for women. There were experiments done by women trying online apps, and were shocked how hard it is for men.
@@SwordWieldingDuck women on online apps are basically items in online shopping. We aren't successful on dating apps as women, we are successful as objects. That's why I never used those. I want to be chosen as a person, not as eye candy or based on superficial knowledge about me. It means we have to be friends before I can consider you as a potential partner(and before I can be considered as a potential partner, because you can only be attracted to me if you get to know me). Trust me, most of the aspects of my life suck but my love life is a fucking success.
@@claradoesnothing again, it is easier for women. If i don't have many women irl in my surroundings due to remote work and specific interests (historical fencing), what am i supposed to do, how can i even meet new women?
@@SwordWieldingDuck holy shit, historical fancing is so cool! I lost count of the videos I watched about it! I asked my bf to sign up to a course with me but it was too expensive.
Anyway, my suggestion is to join an activity that requires you to gather with people of any kind at least once a week. Like a workshop, acting lessons, karaoke, free courses, stuff like that. Just once a week. It would also be good for you. Of course I'm saying this but I have no idea HOW rural your area is. I used to live in a rural area where the closest big discount shop was 30 minutes away by car and 60 by bus (only 5 times a day on working days).
also don't forget not to look for the right person in the wrong place
sometimes places like tinder can add a lot of pressure because you feel you're expected to prove you're "worthwhile" right away, or you'll have to be carrying conversations for someone attractive that has probably "interviewed" a lot of people all day, and so on
at least personally, just finding people through shared interests and just being chill, and not thinking too much about it works best, like say games, friends of friends, etc
and like Chris Cornell once sang, "To be yourself is all that you can do"
This was brilliant, thanks Dr K. Love the discussion point towards the beginning, regarding the feeling like there is a responsibility on you to keep something going, I think this is a key piece of advice that many can benefit from. It's an unfair and un-necessary burden to put on yourself! PS: Hair is looking great, hope you're going to keep the growth going, and I hope you're well :)
i think you would have SUCH an interesting conversation with Shan Boody. You're my favourite psychologist, she's my favourite dating advice coach
The biggest issue with modern dating is the great misunderstanding of what people are looking for. If you believe the things that women find attractive in men is the same things men find in women, you have an awful lot to unplug from. Some of you may go "omg you're generalizing". Yes, exactly. Generalizing is how the world works. Ask yourself what the type of person you're looking for is looking for themselves. The answer to this question is extremely easy, or at least it used to be. And finally what do you bring to the table? There's a very high likelihood that what you think you bring to the table is not necessarily what's important. Because the market decides what makes you desirable, not you. Personal worth and dating value are entirely unrelated. I'm not trying to be harsh but reality isn't supposed to be comfortable because you want it to be.