What I learned in my many failures dating people is that true love is when two people wanna be around each other enough that they are willing to try work through any obstacles to making that happen
I mean I feel like he's nailed it on that one, but too many variables, too many opinions, love is a mystery. If it feels right then it is.. till it isn't. Unless it is.
@@dizzleseriesx3803 In essence I will agree, but like you said, there is way to many variables. It could be I am on a spectrum or something, because so far most of my relationships have ended in disasters that have been learning experiences. And in my experience, we were trying to overcome obstacles, just there were a ton of them, and sometimes it just wasn't enough with the effort we put in. It could be a lot of things, idk, but he doesn't nail the point accurate enough, as if there is a way to even precisely describe exactly what love is, which is a subject on its own.
and how do i build my happiness if my happiness is to not doing anything and existing carefree while being loved just as i am, sincerely, not FOR SOMETHING
@@CamelliaFlingert internal state of being shouldn't be contingent on external factors. You 100% choose perspective and response to events despite having no control over the event itself. Acceptance and validation by another (external events) shouldn't be contingencies for your happiness. Humans have to work towards maintaining internal states of being - what is seen in the external and not liked is merely a reflection on what needs to be worked on within oneself.
@@namehere4954 i can't control it, i'm a hyper-sensitive person everything affects me no matter what i try ot think (and it's even worse thanks to my bpd)
@@CamelliaFlingert then it would be good to work on boundaries to protect your energy. There are tangible practices you can do to assist in the process. I'd say an energy worker may be a better help with this rather than a therapist. Many empaths have to harness their energies and abilities to ensure they're receiving when they want to receive and blocking when the energy doesn't serve them. Give it a go, you got this!
"In love" is a feeling, with butterflies and whatnot; "love" itself is an action. This is basically what my parents have told me; love is a commitment that is built, not found.
Cinema Therapy did a reaction video on "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", and in it, they talk about how loving a person is such a big commitment bc of how people change. They're a different person every day, week, month, year, whether they choose to try and change or not. Loving how they were means only loving an idea of them, and so you have to learn to roll with those changes and love them throughout. It truly is a massive emotional undertaking, bc love isn't happiness, despite how synonymous the two can seem; however, I genuinely believe that it's the one emotion that humanity has an unlimited capacity for. Call it naïve if you want, but healthy, fully realized love (romantic and platonic) is buoyant. It lifts you up when you feel it, express it, receive it... It's a beautiful and irrational thing.
@@nzvplc The point is probably that you love certain things about them that are constant throughout the years of change, such as understanding, compassion, humility, willingness to learn from their mistakes...Their preferences in movies and conversation lengths might change, their current life situation might make them different to interact with, but their inherent good nature that you liked about them from the start won't change.
@@nzvplc To use your analogy: just because they're a version at present doesn't necessarily mean they're completely different after every "update". In a lot of cases, especially if they develop themselves, they retain a sort of core part of themselves that stays more or less constant throughout life. Version 2.2 is still based on 2.0, which is based off something from 1.0, and so on. That's one way to look at it.
Takeaways: → Healthiest relationships always seem to have one red flag. → Happiness and love is not determined by the other person but something that is build together. → Flexibility is one of the most important factors in a successful relationships. → Having the capacity to help, can help you understand whether your ready for a relationship.
Last year I was in a relationship with a person I never would have ever imagined myself being with. They were... completely the opposite of almost everything I thought I wanted in my partner, outside of shared interests. But I grew to love them, very deeply. And then one day they spontaneously came over to break up with me because they felt that they were the bread winner in the relationship, even though we had always gone back and forth paying for eachother's meals and dates and such, I even paid their way to the local nerd convention. There was no discussion to be had, there was no room for us to talk about things and work towards a solution. They just made more money than I did and they wanted to drop me like a stone. I haven't dated since.
The fact that you made it work with someone that deviating from your idea of a perfect partner just shows you that your chance of finding happiness with the next person you date is so much bigger now. Pat yourself on the back for that and realize your future is very bright.
Are you sure it wasn't the "this person was the opposite of what I thought I wanted"? I might be wrong but I think this means you found this person physically unattractive, and on some level this person felt it, and suffered from it. Could this be the case?
@@SomeBody-ce3gq To be honest, the only thing I found physically unattractive was their brand of soap. It smelled like Dove For Men, which has a very rancid, chemical smell to it. It was hard to do things sometimes because of that brand's smell. It may have also been Axe Body Spray... whatever it was, it was purely just the smell of the soap they used, which I'm sure they would have had little issue with changing. Unless it was a medicinal soap they had to use. But we didn't do things enough yet to warrant me bringing the soap's smell up. I was very comfortable and cuddly with them.
Me and my girlfriend just watched this together and it was a really refreshing perspective. Our relationship started out with way too many red flags, and it still does have some red flags, but we have been slowly working through them and becoming better people. And most importantly we are just loony enough to have fallen in love with each other in the first place.
I feel there’s no red flags. Just frustrations that one person might not like but others might be okay with. But at the same time, a frustration that exists right now does not mean it will continue to exist in the future
@@eatnplaytoday there are certainly some red flags that can be truly harmful to the other person or the relationship. Addiction is a good example of this. While there are people who did work through their addictions and recover within a relationship, it's usually overly optimistic for a partner to commit to one such person and hope that it will not affect them negatively...
omg as the video ended i literally said out loud "but what is love tho?" and then i instinctively sung " what is love? baby dont hurt me, dont hurt me no more" and literally 0.5 seconds later i scroll to the next commend and its this. thank you sir for making me chuckle
I feel like everyone around me is looking for the perfect partner and no one is just trying to make shit work with the people that are willing to invest... I'm someone who loves to communicate and is willing to put in the work. But when it comes to dating I find a lot of people who are very dismissive because they have a specific image in their mind of what they want
Aah I went on a big multi-year research journey to understand what love was. I was agonizing over every single detail and the supposed stages, only to find out that the most natural way was to just be. Don’t overthink it and just be. Of course it took a lot of soul searching and reflecting to get to that stage. So while the behavior is simple, getting there took a decent amount of work. Being able to fall in love can be considered a luxury especially for people who are used to operating in a state of absolute mental poverty/survival mode. In that insecure framework, people might not really be able to engage freely which can really hinder them from experiencing or getting comfortable with love. It's the typical Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, but definitely an important one to consider. It's similar to how you need enough surplus energy from a biological viewpoint to engage in play behavior which while enriching and beneficial to growth, isn't entirely vital to immediate survival. So for my people struggling to find love, it's ok to take some time to just get into a more secure position before starting to try love out again. And expect it to take time. People can be so impatient about it, but it really can take time and directed intent to make dating/love a positive experience. Some people are just stuck in hedonistic cycles of escapism and avoidance through infatuation, which they might mistake as love. Those experiences can be really traumatizing and the learning curve is quite steep. It usually takes people a fair amount of "cycling" before they try to change. Overall, it's important to sort out your internal motivations and have that awareness of what you want in a relationship. Those things might change as you meet people, but it's pretty helpful to have a nice foundation to stand on while being assured and confident.
This is excellent and totally spot on. We can think too much about things that should be more instinctual and relaxed hypothetically in the first place
I'm a woman with Autism & ADHD. I've been a healthy relationship for 2 years now. Before this, I was in a really toxic relationship with a serial cheater who also had substance abuse disorder. He confirmed all of the horrible beliefs I had about my character; in a way that made me feel safe & loved. It was also a way to distract myself from addressing my life (I was very depressed going into this relationship). I never had any 'boxes' per say, I was pretty much willing to take anyone who wanted me & didn't smell bad. Over time, I started working on my long-term trauma & issues that were getting in the way of my goals. The biggest thing that allowed me to get into & keep this healthy relationship was beginning to accept myself & communicate what I needed/wanted. I really tried to discern who was compatible with my inner beliefs, lifestyle, long-term goals, & who had a personality I truly liked! By coincidence we both have the same personality profile - INFP, with an anxious tendency. We really love eachother dearly, & to a degree I am dependent (and tbh he is too). BUT! I am actively working on myself (therapy, meds, going to college, etc) and I have helped him also grow in ways he didn't know he could. We have slightly different interests but generally spend our off-work & weekend time the same. I'm much more into traditionally feminine things & he's the opposite, but we both like to quietly play video games (not with, but in the same room lol), watch shows (both love anime but generally like a wide variety of things), go on mini-adventures, camping, audiobooks, spending time with animals, etc. He's quite a bit more organized than I am, but I think that has a lot to do with my ADHD + him being older by 7 years. Over time I've found solutions that work for me/us & it's become easier to manage chores. We also split them according to preference & who is the most motivated at the time ~ & anything is up for discussion. I'd honestly say that being in a relationship like this has been the biggest help to my issues. It's so much easier to tackle bad habits when you have always have someone you can share your innermost thoughts, & feelings; someone who is willing to call-in to change instead of berating; & you knows you well enough to actually give helpful ideas. Don't give up! There is somebody who is compatible, it just takes knowing yourself good enough & proper discernment.
What do you do when those boxes conflict with your values? Like part of me doesn't want to date a girl I find physically unattractive, but I feel immense guilt at the idea of rejecting someone who was great for something like that. I get into conflict and it eventually wears me down into thinking there's no point in pursuing love because it feels more superficial than what I really want.
I'd say that your advice is great for women, just .. not great for men. Honestly, no one wants to be there for a man, even if simply to believe in him. Everyone just wants to wait for the man to pass the finish line and then ride the winning circle with him. Some men are fine with it, but along with many other men, I personally am not. It may have to do with a fact that I was never loved by anyone in any way to begin with, that everyone just used me and I feel like I never want to be used again, but I'm sick and tired of looking for "love" and trying to work things out with people. I'm just tired. I can't do it. I tried and tried for years, but I just can't do it any more. And it hurts knowing that my only chance for a relationship is to allow someone to use me again until they decide to discard me, and that my chances of finding love are so miniscule that I'd sooner find a winning lottery ticket sitting in my backyard one day.
@@belivuk2526 I can feel a lot of pain in your comment…. Just don’t stop to improve your life and man, come on, you will find a girl for you. Take your time and use it!
I have two things that I used to describe what makes relationships work. The first is Happily Ever After Romantic Theory (h.e.a.r.t.) Anyone, anywhere, can learn to love each other. All it takes is to dedicate yourself to improvement and discussion. If all parties participate in this, then they'll grow closer together naturally. The second is the opposite of Mutually assured destruction, Mutually assured benefit (m.a.b.) if two people are able to recklessly seek the good of the other, there's almost no way for them to come out with a net deficit of good.
Paradoxically. If you found a perfect partner you will likely be motivated to be flexible and grow yourself to make it work. For example if you're too scared to watch horror movie but noticed a horror movie trailer that really clicked with you for some reason. You will try to face your fears to watch it. But you will not do that for other horror movies.
But see it turns into a "when I get what I want, I will be happy" idea that Dr K is talking about. So if you're waiting for someone to be perfect and then you'll feel motivated to do good for the relationship, what will be the qualifying factors of what perfect is for u? What if the other person isn't going to motivate you to work on it because they are also waiting for you to motivate them to start working on it? Then no one's working on it. It's important to work on yourself and feel motivation to work on yourself regardless if you're in a relationship
So many people, including myself, have tried to change horrible people. So it's no wonder we try to find a person that ticks all the boxes rather than trying to change someone into a respectful kind person.
Do you think this applied to platonic relationships too? In the sense that "my friends aren't exactly what im looking for so I need to stop hanging out with them and find new ones" is a thought that sometimes comes up with me. If I feel like I need companionship but the people around me aren't entirely giving me what I'm looking for? Then the problem would be with me not being willing to work with them and build that relationship I guess
I also had the same thoughts, and I kept my distance since-- It's not that they're bad people, some people just find it hard to maintain relationships with some people and find it easier to maintain relationships with others, I still answer their calls and reply to their messages, but I don't really go out of my way to keep in touch with them.
In all walks of life, we need to learn to meet people where they are. For example, I struggle with making friends at times bc I tend to not be invested in social interaction if it's not centered around my interests. Yet, some of the best friends I've managed to keep over the years are ones that I'm willing to do things with that I'm not interested in. Do I want to go to the jewelry store and look at earrings? No, but I make the compromise to go, anyway, bc spending the time with my friend is worth that small sacrifice. Everyone has flaws and differences. It's a matter of determining which ones you're willing to embrace, accept, encourage growth and change from, or even work around, and which ones you aren't.
This absolutely applies to friendships. Friendship isn't a zero-sum game. Do you want actual friends, or do you want someone to just validate you and blow smoke up your ass?
I just wanted to say that you’re not alone in this. I have the same friends now as I did 10 years ago so basically since childhood but every time I try to make a new connection it just feels like there’s no spark. And I have this yearning and want which can’t be satiated that make me feel really stuck with the same people who I still hang out with. It almost feels like we're friends out of necessity, not true connection. All venting out of the way it feels reassuring to me that I’m not the only one struggling with this.
Yup. Same feeling here. I tend to bail out of friendly relationships quite easily, just by not making contact anymore. For several years in my teenager and young adult life, as I was moving from one city to another, I found it 'affordable' to disband relationships, as I would make new ones on the road. Besides the (obvious) fact that those friends may have had some aspects which I found annoying ("not perfect"), I myself was absolutely unhappy with the way I interacted with people (I slowly grew up from being a full-of-disdain weirdo. I happily stick to some degree of weirdness, but I forcefully abandoned big chunks of my disdain on the road by now). So, as I was growing up and becoming less awful to my own eyes, I felt discomfort being aside people who knew me as-I-was-before. So, making new friends elsewhere is good. Besides, I absolutely hate being perceived as intrusive, so unless my friends go calling me enough so I'm sure they like me, I tend to just fade out. Have some of you been through similar stuff, fellows ?
In my experience at the core people do not change. And taking on project relationships is futile efforts and you end up unhappy. So you figure out core traits you are interested in or have to have in the other person and what you can compromise on. It takes time to figure it out. Once you do - it is easier to find the best fit for you.
I think that for many people, a desire for perfection may also be a mechanism of defending themselves from pain, and a method of avoidance. Like, the idea that you are not perfect and neither is anyone else can be scary, because it means things may just not work out and it'll make you feel hurt and sad, even if you didn't necessarily do something "wrong" to the extent that you're a bad person, or that the other person is bad and "toxic". Accepting that you are flawed and so are others, and working on yourself despite knowing you'll never truly be perfect almost seems counter-intuitive especially depending on how you're raised, socialized or experiences you've had. Rejecting people constantly or rejecting yourself/not even trying can involve far less emotional labor in some ways than opening yourself up to rejection or failure. Some negative, toxic traits or red flags are subjective but exist in all people, and I agree that ultimately whoever you end up with there are going to be struggles with them, you'll just be willing to overcome them for that person which is perhaps a predictor of relationship success (being willing to stay with someone when it's not all roses and butterflies). The only thing to caution against is not staying with someone who truly is toxic and harmful to you, whether they necessarily intend to be that way or not.
Ever since I've started watching your videos I finally found the answers to the questions that have been haunting me for so long. Your contents have been and still are crucial for my character development and healing process, therefore realizing that you share all your precious knowledge, accumulated in years of experiences, studies and hard work, for FREE, makes me feel so grateful for this gift that you give us to actually become better and more aware of ourselves and our surroundings, but it also encourages me to never gatekeep what I now know and share positivity and good advice to the people which are visibly struggling to find the answers that will help them find clarity. Thank you Dr. K!
I feel like finding love, and successfully building relationships, comes down to the most difficult and seemingly impossible thing of all which is self love unfortunately. My healthiest relationships have been when I dont feel like I need one or another person to provide some external validation/happiness/intimacy whatever. 90% of the time I do feel these things and it feels impossible not to, but only when I'm too busy to be bothered by social problems do I seem to have the most success. It's a kind of sad irony in that way.
I think every good relationship has some level of co dependence tho. Of course you don’t want to feel like you “need” each other but if you’re both fully independent then why even be in a relationship
There's codependence, which is the standard. Thens there's independenve which is kind of avoidance and protection.... interdependence is the key one, which takes the most responsibility and requires work but doesn't feel like work.
I don't think it's all that bad to be validated, supported and "made" happy by others. It's unrealistic to expect people to be tremendously happy in a vacuum for their entire existence. But I think a lot of us have a bad habit of also thinking in extremes, where either someone/multiple others have to make us happy all the time and if they don't, we think they're not good for us, OR we become so "independent" that we don't even let others integrate into our lives much at all. I've sort of moved into the latter, and I think it's partly out of fear of being with someone just to get hurt again.
@@QMS9224 I think codependency is antithetical to the point that one needs to take care of themselves to decrease the burden of the partner carrying the relationship. I don't see codependency as really ever a good thing, as it skews the idea of "carry equal loads" to "this partner MUST have this role and fulfill such and such or everything will fall apart" and makes a relationship less flexible when change happens. Codependency is the expectation that a partner will do x, y, and z to make you feel emotionally and psychologically fulfilled. It's fine to need a partner to fulfill certain needs when a problem arises, but needing them to ALWAYS do that is unhealthy. The definition is, plainly, the "excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner". Relationships are more than fulfilling an emotional need in the long run.
@@QMS9224 Its funny how in the most successful relationships you'd always depend on each other for everything, but at the same thing don't depend on each other for anything,
One of the favorite tenets of the "R3d P1LL" subculture is that "Romantic Love was made up by advertisers to sell products to women", when, if we look at ancient literature, Romantic Love has existed at least as long as Written Language. I can remember reading an article on an ancient Sumerian tablet that had been translated (Sumeria being THE oldest city built by Humans). It was a love poem. On top of that, the writer was going through heartache that would have made Shakespeare weep. The writer of the poem was tortured over the loss of his love, though it never specified why, and described her beauty, going so far as to compare her complexion to the light of a full moon.
You are more likely to get layed, if you're nice to be around the other 95% of the time. Ra-Pe was probably the second way and we're probably all products of it at some point through our ancestors or it wouldn't be strategy 😳
@@mafumofu986 yep. Because I'm not trying to change the words I use to stay hip with the kids. I'm an adult and don't care about using cool words lol time to grow up
I am probably not the demographic (geriatric millennial lol)for this but this hit home as I am ending a long term marriage. A huge factor in the downfall was emotional affairs. My marriage started to fail when my husband got a smart phone. My partner was always “looking” for something better- social media gave him access to do this with ease and the cover to excuse his behavior became the fact that they were “just friends.” So, there were no more inside jokes between him and I because he found new ppl To create those with and could be perfect mirrors of his sense of humor or whatever else he needed I in that moment without having himself to deal with the inconvenience of the other person’s emotions. There was no chance to build anything stronger together because the allure of “new” was too accessible and titillating. All this eroded my self esteem and started putting up walls. By the time he started facing the issues that created disconnect (adhd, depression cycles) I was spent emotionally and shut down. He was trying and I had let go. He blames me. I don’t think he understands how much harm always being in his dms and isolated did to me and our family. He was focused on my faults but didn’t really put in any effort beyond throwing money at me to actually get to know me. So… yeah. That’s not what a long term relationship is suppose to be. You can’t have one foot out of the door-whatever the reason. If you have a partner and you are actively engaging with ppl you are attracted to, you are playing with fire. my two cents!
Love is devotion. (inspired by bhakti yoga). I think commitment is subtlely different, less giving and more like "sucking it up, putting my ego aside, and making it work". Both I think can (and should?) be present in relationship. This got me thinking... maybe devotion is about the other person (selflessness and giving) and commitment is about oneself (selffulness and self-work). Both are v related and help each other manifest i'm pretty sure as well ;)
love is the ONLY thing that will cause a human being to have the capacity to endure tremendous amounts of pain and inconvenience to obtain lol. nothing else really causes that much energetic focus. not even hyper focus of adhd in a situation where the persons hyperfocus is being 100% supported / enabled. at least thats what i've experienced and observed. there is a diligence which appears when people are in love (or on the brink of falling for/ being in love) that just doesnt happen in any other situation or for any other reason. i dont know if we have the scientific capacity to really be able to figure out everything about it at this point in time tbh. think there is still too much profit motive controlling science to let something like that become public knowledge if anyone did figure it out completely.
Me having been depressed/emotionally unstable and her having a narcissistic personality disorder this was quite some ride. Some years there were on and off times in our relationship and we had many senseless quarrels and many times we asked ourselves if this is going anywhere. After a lot of therapy for both of us and a lot of work we're still together 13 years later, married and it's great. So this video makes total sense to me. There is always a lot of work to do to become a balanced relationship
Maybe I’m misinterpreting this message, but I have no problem being flexible in relationships (ie: working on myself). The real issue comes when the other person gives an “illusion” of being flexible, but after a while that person does absolutely nothing to change. It’s almost like they put on a mask to attract someone, just to revert back to their baseline. I’m hoping eventually I’ll find someone who is also willing to adapt to making a relationship work, but in my experience it’s been very difficult to find someone willing to put the work into themselves.
Yes, you are misinterpreting it. Being "flexible" is not about being flexible on working on yourself. Flexible in the context of the video means, your understanding of your partner has to be flexible enough. So that whatever version or side of them they show you, you will continue loving them and support them. Of course it has to have boundaries, like if they are abusing you etc., but that is beside the point. The main point is whatever they made you get attracted in the first place, take them all away and create new reasons to love them. That is what flexibility means. And clearly, based on your explanation, you failed it. Because once they remove that mask, you're disappointed and stops loving them altogether. You're part of the problem in the modern dating world.
There was a Ted talk (I forget which exactly and I just woke up from a nap 😂) that explained that having a bad start to something and sticking through it and turning it around to be positive in the end was far more seductive than something that went perfect entire time. They used dates for their examples. Dates that started bad but ended good had a sense that they earned happiness and that was stronger than being perfect. Idk, it's like if we can work past the bad stuff, it makes finding good stuff more valuable...or something Anyway, goodnight again lol
You know, I think one of the weirdest part about falling into the deepest pits of depression is shutting that part down of your brain. I haven't felt interested in relationships, platonic or romantic in a real long time now, more than a year, what used to be something I craved for is something I essentially don't even feel anymore, I get annoyed when people want to talk to me and I don't feel bad at all about going without talking to anyone but my family(and I am not the one seeking them out, mind you) for weeks, sometimes even a whole month. I don't know, I guess my brain is just trying to disconnect itself from essentially the things that make living worth it in order to protect itself? I am not sure how that even works, honestly.
I relate to that heavily. Have you tried going to a therapist or anything? Sometimes when we fall deep into shit it feels almost impossible to climb out. I want you to know you're not alone in this and it can get better but only if you actually try to do something about it.
Paradoxically, finding love is often itself a checkbox. I think far too few people ask themselves why they're looking for love in the first place. So often it seems to be because it's expected in our culture, which seems like a flawed reason that results in the whole concept becoming more important and stressful than it should be. Our culture ought to normalize being happy alone first and foremost.
Hollywood programs people to think 'love' is the 'heart skips a beat', 'butterflies in the stomach' kinds of rollercoaster responses. But that isn't love, thats the bodies Fight or Flight warning response. True genuine Love is calm, balanced, serene. It nurtures, its Safe. Love is always present, it never wanes and its never distracted. Its perennial, it endures all things. It can be Trusted because it Trusts. It never plays games, Love NEVER uses love as a weapon. If it doesn't reflect the attributes and the virtues of Love, it cannot be Love. Love is something that is greater than the some of its parts, its greater than the two people individually. And while it is perennial, its only so when its sustained by both people. One partner can hold space for the other if they are experiencing a time of struggle. But if the one in struggle closes their door to Love then one person alone cannot keep it alive for long. And if they try too it will take draw from their own life force energy and be Soul destroying. Love is the greatest achievement of the Human Being. And its absence is his greatest failure. Or Phenethylamine helps, taken with a MAO-B inhibitor like Seligiline or Hordenine.
Love is definitely a choice. The attraction is not a choice, and VERY important, but love is a decision you make. And you definitely don't need to be perfect to build a healthy relationship. Me and my boyfriend definitely were not "finished products" when we got together XD! And we still aren't...We both have improved as people though in my biased opinion. The biggest thing I've had to work on is that I had been going to therapy for years, and only a year before we met each other I discovered that I had gone through sexual trama as a child...I had to work on that first, and had made some improvements...but it still was effecting me a lot. And for my partner he hadn't been able to maintain many relationships with friends or family and had depression and anxiety bad enough that he has had suicidal thoughts. Obviously we didn't lead with that going into our relationship 😅😅😅 But as time went by over a few short months we both on some level had to help one another with these problems. Because of what I went through, I've had panic attacks since the age of seven, and in my adult years it got to the point that I was having them once a month. And anger and rage towards my abuser was my primary focus every single day. Now after being in our relationship with someone I CHOOSE to love and focus on I only have panic attacks every few months and although my anger will never go away, I don't obsess and think about that person everyday anymore. And for my boyfriend we dealt with a one time occurrence where he has serious suicidal thoughts together. Since then I've noticed over the past year that he seems to be a lot more content then he was when we first met. He spends a lot of time with his family trying to rebuild those bonds, and he spends a healthy amount of time with some new friends that he has made, and I've also met them. One of his family members at one point pulled me aside when my partner left to thank me...He said that he didn't know what I did, but that he hadn't ever seen him so happy❤We've been through a lot within only a year. We have some different values then one another in some areas and we've both had to make serious compromises for each other. In that process we have gotten close to the point of ending it all, but we pushed through it, and there are no regrets for that! We haven't gotten everything perfect, but we have a beautiful relationship. And honestly at times I'm amazed how well we have done since none of us have been in a serious relationship before. We both want to get married to each other someday, and so far that hasn't changed🥰
@@4l_xiv I'm sure that you mean it no real offense, but dispite what I've gone through I'm doing fine...I've gone to counseling/therapy for six years straight and the last of it was intensive therapy. I've also been on medication as well to manage my other symptoms of depression and anxiety. For once in my life I can confidently say that I am happy happy and no longer depressed...I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but it feels condescending to try and send me advise/help when I've been doing all the right things to manage the trauma I've been through...The link also doesn't work btw so I can only assume of the information it was going to give, but I am well aware of all the negative attachment styles I likely have and how romance can be only a temporary fix🙄...It's just feels a bit insulting for people to assume that because I've gone through $hit that I cannot manage something as complex as a healthy romantic relationship. Unless your article or video was going to give me a positive outlook on my decision I apologize...But otherwise sending a link to "help" someone without any explanation, or advise of your own explaining why you feel I need to look at it; it feels lazy and dismissive. Almost as if your internal dialog was "Man this girl is so far over her head and clearly incapable of handling someone else with these problems...I better find her something that will help her see how bad an idea this is for her because she clearly doesn't know what she is doing. In fact, she knows so little about relationships or herself that I'll get myself worked up if I even try to explain what the link is for, so I'll just leave it here without context and hope she gets something out of it." ...Point of my rambling is if you disagree with someone, you treat them as if they are intellectually as smart as you are, and you at least give one example of your own before sending anything that backs up your opinion. It's comes off a very negative way, as if I'm so clueless that you cannot begin to explain why you think my relationship is a bad idea.
I think looking for a perfect partner is not a bad approach. But instead of looking for vague traits like shared interests you should be looking for traits like the ability to give/receive criticism and respect towards others. So basically the will to change and make things work. It's all a question of perspective.
I think a big problem as well (I'm a perfectionist, so I know this first-hand), is that I wanna make sure that if I get into a relationship, that it lasts, otherwise I don't bother. This either leads me to being super clingy (which is what happened with my one and only relationship thus far), or I just don't try, because I understand logically that perfection is impossible, but that's an annoying truth that my brain won't acknowledge.
"We have relationships to together solve problems we would not have without them." - might seem a bit cheeky, but this actually helps a lot in building a happy life.
for some reason i never seem to fall in love with people anymore, not like i would in secondary school. there’s no more butterflies, no more fantasies or dreams, nothing at all. it’s weird because i consider myself to be a romantic person, but the attraction is always lacking from my end of things, not from anyone else’s. i wish i could flip a switch and feel infatuation and love towards others more easily
Wow! I love how he explain this. He made me have a different view on relationship. Don't come in a relationship and expect to get something, instead come in to give love. I feel the more I give love, I'm actually more happy then to expect something.
it feels like some kinda sick joke learning all i can about love and relationships and psychology after a big break up from a really good relationship. People often get advised to not get too attached when they’re young but relationships can start at any age, I agree the intentions determine how good and long it lasts. Every love between people is unique imo. Yes we all should hope to avoid toxic behaviors in others and repair them in ourselves but if we try to love the way we perceive “perfect love” to be, i think its going to be unsatisfying and frustrating for many. im not personally religious but i do find corinthians 13:4-8 very simple, true, and comforting “Love is patient, love is kind.”
There was a 10 or 15 year study that took place in the UK, studying ten choice marriage couples and ten arranged marriage couples. The results and findings would be extremely interesting to hear HealthyGamer analyze and talk about it. Can't remember the name of the study unfortunately, but a lot of the data points I remember are still relevant when put into today's cultural context.
Going through a breakup right now where I realized I over prioritized my partner, and when I needed them to prioritize me they couldn't do it. It's sad. But I understand
I found this very helpful as someone who has never been in a relationship before. I'm insecure about being "worthy" enough for a partner and understanding that there are people who would be willing to give you a shot despite you not checking all the boxes; it's comforting and makes me feel a little more confident. I'll continue to work on myself, thank you Dr. K.
Some in my family had health problems related to high alcohol intake, smoking and drugs and that's why i have these check boxes. For me, meeting a woman who drinks alot or smoked or uses drugs is someone who i wouldn't be able to connect with and create a bond/serious relationship.
A nice parallel would be rerolling accounts in gacha games: most don't do it, they take what they can get, and are happy about any rare character. some want a special rare character, so they reroll a few times, get their character and are happy. and then there's those who want the best: start the game with 6 specific rare characters with a 1/10000000000 chance. only after rerolling for days, weeks or months do they realize what they want is unreasonable and should be happy with just 3-4 rare characters (when I started with genshin impact)
Awesome video and Thank you for your work. i think its not about being a perfect partner. Rather recognizing you can become the perfect partner in the eyes of your partner. At this point you realize it was never perfection you/they were looking for. Perfection to me is the sum of all things. In its most refined and efficient state creating a "false" sense of flawlessness and impossibility of defect.
Haven't watched yet but the timing is perfect like always Doc! Wish me luck boiz... this 26yo is finally going on a date with his crush since highschool
me too, perfection isn't real. The only real perfection with love is when you see the natural flaws in your partner and you cherish those along with the benefits
Ever since I experienced love, and now have lost it, I just can’t get enough of it. It’s addicting and I’m relapsing. Before I was fine without it. I wished I never had experienced it.
So.... How do I balance the ignoring of red flags with the fear of ending up in an abusive relationship again? I carried too much, and gave too much trying to make the relationship work. I still have flashbacks. Is it about having the strength to set boundaries and pay attention only to the red flags that directly hurt me? How long do I stay before I determine if it's a short term struggle or truly a bad relationship? I know this fear is holding me back from building good connections, but I still struggle with finding the balance between self preservation and keeping everyone at a distance.
When he said red flags i don't think he means when your partner abuses you lol.. red/yellow flags hes talking about is maybe like, no income, bad temper(but still not abusive), live with parents. And if youre still struggling with those things i think Dr K's advice would probably be to work on yourself first
I recommend you watch some of his other videos, such as: The TRUTH behind Red Flags Why Your Relationships Fall Apart & Attachment Theory Sow Seeds for Your Future Self Why You Can't Really Fix Your Sibling's Mental Health Two Solutions to Anxiety Working on Everything While Working on Everything I hope this helps!
I think a good way to think about it is whether their action/attitude (or inaction thereof) has the potential to become abusive. Like someone constantly checking up on you might seem like they're reciprocating your attraction while you're looking through with rose-tinted glasses, but it can and likely will, if they want to or start to control where you go, who you meet, etc., become abusive. Also, being someone who has been abused before, I usually judge how good someone is (and thus how willing I am to give them a chance, platonic or otherwise) by whether they show that they are considerate for others, whether they are willing to learn from their mistakes, whether they understand personal boundaries (this one is a bit iffy, because there can be cases where someone doesn't mean to act a certain way, but whether it's intentional or not is something you can only deduce with other context about them as a person). A short term struggle is something that both you and them acknowledge and both are willing to compromise and/or work together to solve the issue. A truly bad relationship is when someone doesn't put in their weight and expects you to do the majority of things, and/or unsympathetic to your plights by bringing attention to themselves
So... I'd say he basically already answered this toward the end, talking about sharing the load, prioritizing each other and both partners working together. A good relationship is in many ways a choice and it needs to be made by both people. If only one person is actually doing all the work, then obviously that is not going to work. Yes it might work short term but if your partner isn't actually trying to improve themselves so you won't always have to do all the work in the relationship, then leave. That's all there really is to it. Does your partner put in work to improve their and therefor also your situation/the relationship? If yes, alright, that's a good basis for a relationship. If no, then that just ain't gonna cut it and you should probably prepare to move on. The same goes for yourself btw, if you aren't ready to put in work to improve the relationship, then you should probably reconsider wether you actually wanna stay in that relationship. Your relationships might be able to stand on one foot but moving forward is gonna pretty hard without a second foot to stand on while the first is being lifted.
@@Emile9186 @Cameron Schyuder Thanks for your replies. I actually ended up talking to my therapist about this topic, and both your comments really line up with what she said, so it's really helpful to get the same information explained from different angles. Helps it stick.
I had to laugh out loud when you listed someone being 6 years older and currently unemployed as a red flag for a relationships. I know a lot of relationships with much larger age gaps and much bigger red flags who work just fine. It's never perfect.
I do feel that me trying to check all the boxes and find the perfect thing that is what I want and requires no work on my part is a huge problem I have in most areas of my life. You said in another video how the avoidance of pain does not equal happiness. This is true and I know it but I’m still avoiding pain and I think it’s going to take me quite some time to be able to actually accept pain.
I'd say your sampling might be skewed towards the positive. The couples that seek relationship therapy are those that want it to work and are willing to put on the effort. That's basically the definition of a robust relationship
@@johnadeleye7164 i know. That was ny reason for posting this. He expected people to think his work experience would give him a negative bias. Whereas my point is that I would suspect the opposite.
you cant change people. ive learned that the hard way. you just accept them for who they are. for me, checking the boxes is just the starting point on if i can live with this person. Changing the person as in compromise, it depends on the person. Check box system is made so that you reduce the chance of getting some psycho person. Its not made for long term.
I jumped out of online dating for many of the reasons spoken about in this video. And because there is always this seek for perfection, I decided to stop wasting my time with this none sense. I know I'm not perfect and I always work on myself. I accept critique and I admit that I'm human. I'm very humble and understanding. So I know I'm doing my best to search for a relationship and can prove I have alot to offer. And ready to build something. But when I am being stereotyped, when I'm being lumped in, I jump out. I will not stand for games period. I so much as get a hint that a game is being played I leave and run. And I've gotten exhausted honestly. I have autism and I'm an introvert. I'm misunderstood. So I figured it's just easier to lead the single life. When I'm ready to do anything to make it work but the other side isn't willing to budge than I want nothing with them. I'm not going to force someone to change their minds when their minds are already made. They know what they want and it's not me. 👍... Great Video!
Broke up with my girlfriend. We dated for 3 years. We broke up because of long distance. We only got to see once every few months. Our feelings for eachother decrease day by day. Even though when we met, we still hv great chemistry, it all goes away when we are apart again. After watching this video, I realised I was the one who had my life and pieces, and I didnt do what I could to support the relationship. I guess I should pick myself up and become a better person before starting another relationship.
Dr K, I found your videos so easy to focus before but now I can't focus easily because the editing is so fast that it just feels like you're speaking in 1.5x speed. I think your speech is so concise and easy to understand that this editing is not necessary, and the breaks were actually helpful. Just my opinion though. Thank you for your videos!
I always say this to my gf but what made me look at her in a special way was her weird way of walking and wearing black. Surprisingly, she's as awkward as me and now we're together ! Formula for love doesn't exist and there's no definitive definition for love.
@@AUGUSTINEMINH Considering how not everyone believes in a God or deity figure (and even those that do believe, don't all believe in the same one(s), as Yerg points out above) but still experience love, the definition you mention is inaccurate
you probably said the last line to flex the unique relationship, but i came up with "shared appreciation, shared dedication", though i suspect this works better on long term relationships. another comment quoted the bible, and it says "love is patient, love is kind", it's a little bit more vague and a little bit better.
dating apps commodify love and it makes us think that other people are dispensable but theoretically you could make a great relationship with anyone with enough effort rome wasnt built in a day
I want my person back we were only seeing each other for 3 months but they were my first relationship and I care about them deeply. Its not even been a month since we mutually decided to break up but I miss him dearly and can't stop thinking about him.
I'll start by saying that I'm an inexperienced 20M, who's nvr had a relationship (unless 6th grade counts). So discount and take my opinion with a tablespoon of salt 🧂. But, from wut I've learned by watching Dr. K and understanding the other sex more, I think finding "true love" involves living life without directly looking for "true love." Making friends in wutever situation and circumstances u can and being able to give and take in something lower-risk will prepare u 4 something more than friendship. There aren't many preferences I hav in making friends or workplace relationships, and that should also be the approach to dating. Cuz a potential partner is just another person like u.
What people do not understand is that they think they are in love when in reality they are in a state of limerence that will eventually burn out (~0-3 years) and when that flame is not around, they will chase that same feeling (limerence) on other people and this is what people are addicted about. That is why NRE is common in today's dating culture thinking that they deserve it when in reality is that it only shows that you cannot commit to a person and just jump around chasing the limerence pill (Not always but most relationships I've come across). Actual love is a decision and not a feeling. If you build a family based on emotions only, then you are likely setting yourself for future cheating or divorce. TLDR: People should realize that couples should wait for the limerence to burn out and then decide if they want to be together and avoid feeling limerence to other people. They can also chase limerence without committing for the rest of their lives as they are slaves of the mind.
For sure, a lot of people do get caught up in the romance phase of dating and fall apart once the chemicals wear off & the day-to-day sets in. Limerance, however, is about fantasy and generally limited to the less than 50% of the population with insecure attachment. DTR in secure dating is just deciding "I want to work towards being a team with you." You're right: limerant people can't do that because they're stuck on the highs & the fantasy, not on the person, real Love, or growth.
the concept of building relationships being a 'skill' you can get better at is really a joy to rock around. Although it looks sad to go on youtube like "how to be more interesting" or "how to take better pictures", it does work.
People in your culture might have other ideas. For many desi women, it's still hard to leave even if they want to. There's a lot of stigma...It's not because they are better at love...
Oh for sure, people staying together isn't necessarily out of love. This happens everywhere imo. Ideally, people stay out of love for each other, but that's not reality unfortunately
But how do you find someone who wants to work on a relationship instead of just perpetually "shopping" for someone who checks the boxes? Why does it seem like everyone I run into is the latter?
I'm on the spectrum myself and I cannot figure out love even when my life depended on it. With autism often comes a certain amount of alexithymia, therefore I'm a very rational person that simply doesn't feel certain emotions, romantic love is one of them. There's no way for me to even start rationally explaining what romantic love means, but what is interesting, neurotypicals do almost an equally poor job explaining love rationally yet they still feel it. I think that romantic love is a feeling that cannot actually be rationalised like some other feelings. It simply doesn't even exist in the rational dimension. Therefore exploring romantic love in a scientific way is very difficult, if not impossible.
I'm the same. Recently did a neurotransmitter test and saw my brain doesn't make dopamine at all. I'm now getting the L Dopa boost, combined with more time for special interests, and polarity work and that seems to be the key. We aren't defective we just have to do things a little different to make sense to others.
That's interesting, I havent done testing but I an empathic person yet for some reason romantic love has always eluded me. I never understood why people obsessed over it. They tell me in due time I'll meet the person (and no I dont belive in "the one") yet I can't even fall in love in 2D inanimate objects the way normal people can
As an autistic person myself, be careful not to confuse not recognizing/noticing feelings and emotions with rationality. Alexithymia is not feeling our feelings, but it doesn't mean we don't have them. Feelings are still likely to affect our behaviour even when we don't notice them. People who are the most convinced of their rationality are often those who are the most blinded by their feelings. Not saying it's your case, I'm saying this so you stay careful and remain grounded.
@@micheller3251 It doesn't *neccessarily* mean we don't have them. But it could very well be the case. Alexithymia is broad term enough to comfortably mean either of these things.
Nothing was lost, in an arranged marriage the family is watched by the community so there is pressure on the couple to work out there differences, but in modern society woman are literally incentivised to divorce their husband's, you can't demand compromise as from a position of weakness
This made me more refreshed but at the same time… more confused. If we aren’t supposed to really expect perfect and instead fight for love, then what do we really do to determine who we wanna date; like obviously there’s things we want in a relationship, so do we just not worry as much and just find someone that we find attractive and interesting and hope they are flexible with working towards a good relationship?
My thoughts exactly...I think basic attraction and then flexibility is the way to go? But at the same time you should never settle for someone who comes with a trait that makes you reoccurringly unhapppy.
@@flyingdordish1160 totally understand and see that, luckily don’t have to worry about that cause I really just don’t find people that I relate with much at all
@@eliwood1079 ah well, i hope you do one day!! Just depends on where you are in life and what sort of community surrounds you (+ digging deeper into ppl's fascades and a bit of luck i guess)
I have had this problem personally, where my last girlfriend really did check all the boxes I made in my head, but then stuff came up which was problematic but 100% workable/could be communicated since she was very open to talk but I panicked and jumped ship. After that breakup my first thoughts were "damn, I'm excited to find the next person who is gonna be perfect and fullfill a myriad of other made up boxes (which I had then just came up with)", it took lots of time and effort to work on my problems (and continue to do so now), talk to friends and a coach to realize the lessons told here. Of course life is the best teacher.
Super interesting take and form personal experience I think I agree with most of it actually. I don't think it doesn't speak to literally everyone but love the way you back your points up with personal experience and science!
What I understand from this video is that no one is perfect, and one should work on themselves and their relationship for it to work. My question is when you know it's time to end the relationship? Is it when you put in the work while the other person doesn't? Or when the other partner being abusive of you?
There's way too much of the notion that if two people are not compatible, either romantically or as friends, that one of them must be "wrong" and is supposed to change. As if we're all supposed to be compatible. This was a lot more prevalent generations ago and it's finally mostly going away in a lot of parts of society as diversity is more and more appreciated. But it still lingers in these areas for some reason. And people take non-compatibility as a reason to dislike someone and/or wish them unhappiness. Also I disagree with the notion that any time spent dating someone who you don't eventually marry is all wasted time. If you're choosing to date in a way that is not enjoyable to you, then that's just you doing it wrong.
10:45 I swear to god there is like 90% change he has a video saying how bad it is to stick in a bad relationship expecting the other person to change. In fact, it prob is in one relating to having a depressed, or mentally ill partner and the other not being responsible for them.
your view reminds me of Erich Froms view of love. He sais we should focus on loving (giving) instead of trying to make us self as lovable as possible (receiving) so yeah it makes a lot of sense
The main take away from this video is that "your love" has to be flexible. Whatever made you attracted to your partner at first, take them all away and ask yourself "Can I create new reasons to love this person?". If you can answer that, you pass the flexibility test. Coincidentally, this is one feature of truly loving someone. If your partner is also flexible to you, then you basically won the dating lottery. Your relationship is set for life. Because no matter what happen, both of you has endless reasons to love each other.
How interesting. When I check a candidate for partnership potential, then I look at ..... 🔹their skill sets to work through difficulties 🔹to manage their own aspects or know which they can't manage well (aka self-assesment). 🔹I see if our methods of doing so can be aligned well (if necesary, with some work). 🔹I check for openness as my capacity for it is very high and they'll be terribly challenged if they can't accommodate that to some degree. I'm not willing to set them up to failure that way and myself alongsides them. 🔹I check if our physical realities can be aligned (with some effort). Because when things like waking rythms are different AND we cannot shift our schedules to make time without bending everything with force then our channces are just too low 🔹I check if our capacities to learn are (currently) sufficient for what we'll need to adjust. And there's basically a stamina or "potential for stamina extension" check. I tried to word to candidated before why it turned out to be a "no" and I really couldn't word it. I couldn't word that I "see" different from people around me and am very aware of the "big picture" within a very short time. I can anticipate the "to do's" we'll have right off the bat and along the line. And I need to see a certain degree of awareness and maturity to feel safe enough to give it a go. Because my current situation requires some degree of efficiency. Since entering a close relationship comes with some extra high stakes for my case. I couldnn't word to them, that it wasn't about anything specific, but rather, that they were not yet in a place of sufficient plasticity to have a solid chance to accomodate me. As they don't show enough placticity to currently accommodate themselves. And my heart will tear over them if they attemt to rush that process. Or rush my own, in the places where they need me to be there for them but there's no way I'll ge there any time soon (or ever). It takes so much out of people to be vulnerable and accountable with each other in close proximity in our current world. I am so ready to be deeply dedicated to that area of life. And they, too, will be a fool, with me, in love. How could I expose us to the crushing hurt of things not working out, when I cannot see us having a solid chance to make it work and/or make it well through a failed attempt? I care too much to turn this degree of blind. I love others and myself too much to prioritise short term gains. At the very least, I want them and myself to walk out of this more abundant than before. And be supported enough to succesfully pick up the pieces of the selves we'll have to rebuild, upn parting.
The same is true to some extent with work - you could be trying to find the best work, or you could invest in improving the current place. Talk to a manager to see if the company is willing to invest in that improvement as well.
Actually, it does not make sense to say a long term relationship results from happiness. Happiness is temporary, and always will be. So, I must reverently disagree with you here. Happiness is not something anyone should aim for in the expectation it will last or be consistent. It won't happen. The motivation for a relationship has to be based on something different entirely.
What I learned in my many failures dating people is that true love is when two people wanna be around each other enough that they are willing to try work through any obstacles to making that happen
Too vague imo
Idk about than one bro
I mean I feel like he's nailed it on that one, but too many variables, too many opinions, love is a mystery. If it feels right then it is.. till it isn't. Unless it is.
@@dizzleseriesx3803 In essence I will agree, but like you said, there is way to many variables.
It could be I am on a spectrum or something, because so far most of my relationships have ended in disasters that have been learning experiences.
And in my experience, we were trying to overcome obstacles, just there were a ton of them, and sometimes it just wasn't enough with the effort we put in.
It could be a lot of things, idk, but he doesn't nail the point accurate enough, as if there is a way to even precisely describe exactly what love is, which is a subject on its own.
It has nothing to do with romance
“People are looking for happiness instead of trying to build it” that’s brilliant!
and how do i build my happiness if my happiness is to not doing anything and existing carefree while being loved just as i am, sincerely, not FOR SOMETHING
@@CamelliaFlingert internal state of being shouldn't be contingent on external factors. You 100% choose perspective and response to events despite having no control over the event itself. Acceptance and validation by another (external events) shouldn't be contingencies for your happiness. Humans have to work towards maintaining internal states of being - what is seen in the external and not liked is merely a reflection on what needs to be worked on within oneself.
@@namehere4954 i can't control it, i'm a hyper-sensitive person everything affects me no matter what i try ot think (and it's even worse thanks to my bpd)
@@CamelliaFlingert then it would be good to work on boundaries to protect your energy. There are tangible practices you can do to assist in the process. I'd say an energy worker may be a better help with this rather than a therapist. Many empaths have to harness their energies and abilities to ensure they're receiving when they want to receive and blocking when the energy doesn't serve them. Give it a go, you got this!
The problem is when one person is willing to build it, and the other one just wants it happen
"In love" is a feeling, with butterflies and whatnot; "love" itself is an action.
This is basically what my parents have told me; love is a commitment that is built, not found.
hard agree. it's like a devotion to someone
Love is a rational, unselfish decision to make someone happy.
Can you love without being in love?
@snow
yes.
@@snowshih6964yes. Don't you have family members you love?
If they are willing to binge watch Dr. K, you know it's the one
I love this
@@VioletEmerald priorities must be set
@@brandullio And boundaries. Gotta set those boundaries. And this is a big one.
Sweet, I check that box 🤣
Truer words were never said...
Cinema Therapy did a reaction video on "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", and in it, they talk about how loving a person is such a big commitment bc of how people change. They're a different person every day, week, month, year, whether they choose to try and change or not. Loving how they were means only loving an idea of them, and so you have to learn to roll with those changes and love them throughout. It truly is a massive emotional undertaking, bc love isn't happiness, despite how synonymous the two can seem; however, I genuinely believe that it's the one emotion that humanity has an unlimited capacity for. Call it naïve if you want, but healthy, fully realized love (romantic and platonic) is buoyant. It lifts you up when you feel it, express it, receive it... It's a beautiful and irrational thing.
The thing i dont understand is, the only reference point you have is the present form of the person. What else do you love if not a ‘version’ of them?
Thank you for entrancing me with your comment!!
@@nzvplc The point is probably that you love certain things about them that are constant throughout the years of change, such as understanding, compassion, humility, willingness to learn from their mistakes...Their preferences in movies and conversation lengths might change, their current life situation might make them different to interact with, but their inherent good nature that you liked about them from the start won't change.
@@nzvplc To use your analogy: just because they're a version at present doesn't necessarily mean they're completely different after every "update". In a lot of cases, especially if they develop themselves, they retain a sort of core part of themselves that stays more or less constant throughout life. Version 2.2 is still based on 2.0, which is based off something from 1.0, and so on. That's one way to look at it.
"Love lifts us up where we belong~!"
Takeaways:
→ Healthiest relationships always seem to have one red flag.
→ Happiness and love is not determined by the other person but something that is build together.
→ Flexibility is one of the most important factors in a successful relationships.
→ Having the capacity to help, can help you understand whether your ready for a relationship.
Last year I was in a relationship with a person I never would have ever imagined myself being with. They were... completely the opposite of almost everything I thought I wanted in my partner, outside of shared interests. But I grew to love them, very deeply.
And then one day they spontaneously came over to break up with me because they felt that they were the bread winner in the relationship, even though we had always gone back and forth paying for eachother's meals and dates and such, I even paid their way to the local nerd convention. There was no discussion to be had, there was no room for us to talk about things and work towards a solution. They just made more money than I did and they wanted to drop me like a stone.
I haven't dated since.
That's absolutely heartbreaking. They didn't even try to see if there was a solution you could work towards together.
The fact that you made it work with someone that deviating from your idea of a perfect partner just shows you that your chance of finding happiness with the next person you date is so much bigger now. Pat yourself on the back for that and realize your future is very bright.
Are you sure it wasn't the "this person was the opposite of what I thought I wanted"? I might be wrong but I think this means you found this person physically unattractive, and on some level this person felt it, and suffered from it. Could this be the case?
@@SomeBody-ce3gq everything after the second sentence they said indicates the opposite, so I doubt it.
@@SomeBody-ce3gq To be honest, the only thing I found physically unattractive was their brand of soap. It smelled like Dove For Men, which has a very rancid, chemical smell to it. It was hard to do things sometimes because of that brand's smell. It may have also been Axe Body Spray... whatever it was, it was purely just the smell of the soap they used, which I'm sure they would have had little issue with changing. Unless it was a medicinal soap they had to use. But we didn't do things enough yet to warrant me bringing the soap's smell up. I was very comfortable and cuddly with them.
Me and my girlfriend just watched this together and it was a really refreshing perspective. Our relationship started out with way too many red flags, and it still does have some red flags, but we have been slowly working through them and becoming better people. And most importantly we are just loony enough to have fallen in love with each other in the first place.
I feel there’s no red flags. Just frustrations that one person might not like but others might be okay with. But at the same time, a frustration that exists right now does not mean it will continue to exist in the future
@@eatnplaytodayoh there are definitely some legitimate red flags. But what most people consider red flags is just seeing another human with flaws.
@@eatnplaytoday there are certainly some red flags that can be truly harmful to the other person or the relationship. Addiction is a good example of this. While there are people who did work through their addictions and recover within a relationship, it's usually overly optimistic for a partner to commit to one such person and hope that it will not affect them negatively...
I swear dude, either dr. K brings up the most relevant video for every point of my day-to-day life or I just have so many problems on the table lol
Nah nah man, its not many problems, its one problem. And the probem is you. Just kidding😂
The answer to what is love is simple
Oh baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more
True
is that from a song ?
@@Idk_bro12340how do you not know the song? This is blasphemy
@@APBT3chnoM0nkey clearly trolling, come on
(right? 😨)
omg
as the video ended i literally said out loud "but what is love tho?" and then i instinctively sung " what is love? baby dont hurt me, dont hurt me no more"
and literally 0.5 seconds later i scroll to the next commend and its this. thank you sir for making me chuckle
I feel like everyone around me is looking for the perfect partner and no one is just trying to make shit work with the people that are willing to invest... I'm someone who loves to communicate and is willing to put in the work. But when it comes to dating I find a lot of people who are very dismissive because they have a specific image in their mind of what they want
Preach it louder for the homies in the back
Aah I went on a big multi-year research journey to understand what love was. I was agonizing over every single detail and the supposed stages, only to find out that the most natural way was to just be. Don’t overthink it and just be. Of course it took a lot of soul searching and reflecting to get to that stage. So while the behavior is simple, getting there took a decent amount of work.
Being able to fall in love can be considered a luxury especially for people who are used to operating in a state of absolute mental poverty/survival mode. In that insecure framework, people might not really be able to engage freely which can really hinder them from experiencing or getting comfortable with love. It's the typical Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, but definitely an important one to consider. It's similar to how you need enough surplus energy from a biological viewpoint to engage in play behavior which while enriching and beneficial to growth, isn't entirely vital to immediate survival.
So for my people struggling to find love, it's ok to take some time to just get into a more secure position before starting to try love out again. And expect it to take time. People can be so impatient about it, but it really can take time and directed intent to make dating/love a positive experience. Some people are just stuck in hedonistic cycles of escapism and avoidance through infatuation, which they might mistake as love. Those experiences can be really traumatizing and the learning curve is quite steep. It usually takes people a fair amount of "cycling" before they try to change.
Overall, it's important to sort out your internal motivations and have that awareness of what you want in a relationship. Those things might change as you meet people, but it's pretty helpful to have a nice foundation to stand on while being assured and confident.
@@Dimitris_Half Just that, but I’m now comfortable and self aware enough to try dating. Also I was focusing on getting a job and graduate school.
This is excellent and totally spot on. We can think too much about things that should be more instinctual and relaxed hypothetically in the first place
i found out loving is easy, "being" is the hard part
Really well said!!
I used to fall in love all the time back in my school years, but I cannot at all now. Sometimes I really crave that feeling but I am also relieved.
I'm a woman with Autism & ADHD.
I've been a healthy relationship for 2 years now. Before this, I was in a really toxic relationship with a serial cheater who also had substance abuse disorder. He confirmed all of the horrible beliefs I had about my character; in a way that made me feel safe & loved. It was also a way to distract myself from addressing my life (I was very depressed going into this relationship).
I never had any 'boxes' per say, I was pretty much willing to take anyone who wanted me & didn't smell bad. Over time, I started working on my long-term trauma & issues that were getting in the way of my goals.
The biggest thing that allowed me to get into & keep this healthy relationship was beginning to accept myself & communicate what I needed/wanted. I really tried to discern who was compatible with my inner beliefs, lifestyle, long-term goals, & who had a personality I truly liked! By coincidence we both have the same personality profile - INFP, with an anxious tendency.
We really love eachother dearly, & to a degree I am dependent (and tbh he is too). BUT! I am actively working on myself (therapy, meds, going to college, etc) and I have helped him also grow in ways he didn't know he could. We have slightly different interests but generally spend our off-work & weekend time the same. I'm much more into traditionally feminine things & he's the opposite, but we both like to quietly play video games (not with, but in the same room lol), watch shows (both love anime but generally like a wide variety of things), go on mini-adventures, camping, audiobooks, spending time with animals, etc.
He's quite a bit more organized than I am, but I think that has a lot to do with my ADHD + him being older by 7 years. Over time I've found solutions that work for me/us & it's become easier to manage chores. We also split them according to preference & who is the most motivated at the time ~ & anything is up for discussion.
I'd honestly say that being in a relationship like this has been the biggest help to my issues. It's so much easier to tackle bad habits when you have always have someone you can share your innermost thoughts, & feelings; someone who is willing to call-in to change instead of berating; & you knows you well enough to actually give helpful ideas.
Don't give up! There is somebody who is compatible, it just takes knowing yourself good enough & proper discernment.
What do you do when those boxes conflict with your values? Like part of me doesn't want to date a girl I find physically unattractive, but I feel immense guilt at the idea of rejecting someone who was great for something like that. I get into conflict and it eventually wears me down into thinking there's no point in pursuing love because it feels more superficial than what I really want.
I'd say that your advice is great for women, just .. not great for men. Honestly, no one wants to be there for a man, even if simply to believe in him. Everyone just wants to wait for the man to pass the finish line and then ride the winning circle with him. Some men are fine with it, but along with many other men, I personally am not. It may have to do with a fact that I was never loved by anyone in any way to begin with, that everyone just used me and I feel like I never want to be used again, but I'm sick and tired of looking for "love" and trying to work things out with people. I'm just tired. I can't do it. I tried and tried for years, but I just can't do it any more. And it hurts knowing that my only chance for a relationship is to allow someone to use me again until they decide to discard me, and that my chances of finding love are so miniscule that I'd sooner find a winning lottery ticket sitting in my backyard one day.
@@belivuk2526 I can feel a lot of pain in your comment….
Just don’t stop to improve your life and man, come on, you will find a girl for you.
Take your time and use it!
I have two things that I used to describe what makes relationships work. The first is Happily Ever After Romantic Theory (h.e.a.r.t.) Anyone, anywhere, can learn to love each other. All it takes is to dedicate yourself to improvement and discussion. If all parties participate in this, then they'll grow closer together naturally. The second is the opposite of Mutually assured destruction, Mutually assured benefit (m.a.b.) if two people are able to recklessly seek the good of the other, there's almost no way for them to come out with a net deficit of good.
Paradoxically. If you found a perfect partner you will likely be motivated to be flexible and grow yourself to make it work.
For example if you're too scared to watch horror movie but noticed a horror movie trailer that really clicked with you for some reason. You will try to face your fears to watch it. But you will not do that for other horror movies.
I think so too.
@@Dimitris_Half Oh yeah. Maybe 'compatible' is the better word for it.
Good point
But see it turns into a "when I get what I want, I will be happy" idea that Dr K is talking about. So if you're waiting for someone to be perfect and then you'll feel motivated to do good for the relationship, what will be the qualifying factors of what perfect is for u? What if the other person isn't going to motivate you to work on it because they are also waiting for you to motivate them to start working on it? Then no one's working on it. It's important to work on yourself and feel motivation to work on yourself regardless if you're in a relationship
I agree.
So many people, including myself, have tried to change horrible people. So it's no wonder we try to find a person that ticks all the boxes rather than trying to change someone into a respectful kind person.
Hardest thing is to find someone that thinks that way. I feel like im lonely with seeing relationships like Dr. K.
Do you think this applied to platonic relationships too? In the sense that "my friends aren't exactly what im looking for so I need to stop hanging out with them and find new ones" is a thought that sometimes comes up with me. If I feel like I need companionship but the people around me aren't entirely giving me what I'm looking for? Then the problem would be with me not being willing to work with them and build that relationship I guess
I also had the same thoughts, and I kept my distance since-- It's not that they're bad people, some people just find it hard to maintain relationships with some people and find it easier to maintain relationships with others, I still answer their calls and reply to their messages, but I don't really go out of my way to keep in touch with them.
In all walks of life, we need to learn to meet people where they are. For example, I struggle with making friends at times bc I tend to not be invested in social interaction if it's not centered around my interests. Yet, some of the best friends I've managed to keep over the years are ones that I'm willing to do things with that I'm not interested in. Do I want to go to the jewelry store and look at earrings? No, but I make the compromise to go, anyway, bc spending the time with my friend is worth that small sacrifice. Everyone has flaws and differences. It's a matter of determining which ones you're willing to embrace, accept, encourage growth and change from, or even work around, and which ones you aren't.
This absolutely applies to friendships. Friendship isn't a zero-sum game. Do you want actual friends, or do you want someone to just validate you and blow smoke up your ass?
I just wanted to say that you’re not alone in this. I have the same friends now as I did 10 years ago so basically since childhood but every time I try to make a new connection it just feels like there’s no spark. And I have this yearning and want which can’t be satiated that make me feel really stuck with the same people who I still hang out with. It almost feels like we're friends out of necessity, not true connection. All venting out of the way it feels reassuring to me that I’m not the only one struggling with this.
Yup. Same feeling here.
I tend to bail out of friendly relationships quite easily, just by not making contact anymore.
For several years in my teenager and young adult life, as I was moving from one city to another, I found it 'affordable' to disband relationships, as I would make new ones on the road. Besides the (obvious) fact that those friends may have had some aspects which I found annoying ("not perfect"), I myself was absolutely unhappy with the way I interacted with people (I slowly grew up from being a full-of-disdain weirdo. I happily stick to some degree of weirdness, but I forcefully abandoned big chunks of my disdain on the road by now). So, as I was growing up and becoming less awful to my own eyes, I felt discomfort being aside people who knew me as-I-was-before. So, making new friends elsewhere is good.
Besides, I absolutely hate being perceived as intrusive, so unless my friends go calling me enough so I'm sure they like me, I tend to just fade out.
Have some of you been through similar stuff, fellows ?
In my experience at the core people do not change. And taking on project relationships is futile efforts and you end up unhappy. So you figure out core traits you are interested in or have to have in the other person and what you can compromise on. It takes time to figure it out. Once you do - it is easier to find the best fit for you.
I think that for many people, a desire for perfection may also be a mechanism of defending themselves from pain, and a method of avoidance. Like, the idea that you are not perfect and neither is anyone else can be scary, because it means things may just not work out and it'll make you feel hurt and sad, even if you didn't necessarily do something "wrong" to the extent that you're a bad person, or that the other person is bad and "toxic". Accepting that you are flawed and so are others, and working on yourself despite knowing you'll never truly be perfect almost seems counter-intuitive especially depending on how you're raised, socialized or experiences you've had. Rejecting people constantly or rejecting yourself/not even trying can involve far less emotional labor in some ways than opening yourself up to rejection or failure. Some negative, toxic traits or red flags are subjective but exist in all people, and I agree that ultimately whoever you end up with there are going to be struggles with them, you'll just be willing to overcome them for that person which is perhaps a predictor of relationship success (being willing to stay with someone when it's not all roses and butterflies). The only thing to caution against is not staying with someone who truly is toxic and harmful to you, whether they necessarily intend to be that way or not.
Ever since I've started watching your videos I finally found the answers to the questions that have been haunting me for so long. Your contents have been and still are crucial for my character development and healing process, therefore realizing that you share all your precious knowledge, accumulated in years of experiences, studies and hard work, for FREE, makes me feel so grateful for this gift that you give us to actually become better and more aware of ourselves and our surroundings, but it also encourages me to never gatekeep what I now know and share positivity and good advice to the people which are visibly struggling to find the answers that will help them find clarity.
Thank you Dr. K!
I feel like finding love, and successfully building relationships, comes down to the most difficult and seemingly impossible thing of all which is self love unfortunately. My healthiest relationships have been when I dont feel like I need one or another person to provide some external validation/happiness/intimacy whatever. 90% of the time I do feel these things and it feels impossible not to, but only when I'm too busy to be bothered by social problems do I seem to have the most success.
It's a kind of sad irony in that way.
I think every good relationship has some level of co dependence tho. Of course you don’t want to feel like you “need” each other but if you’re both fully independent then why even be in a relationship
There's codependence, which is the standard. Thens there's independenve which is kind of avoidance and protection.... interdependence is the key one, which takes the most responsibility and requires work but doesn't feel like work.
I don't think it's all that bad to be validated, supported and "made" happy by others. It's unrealistic to expect people to be tremendously happy in a vacuum for their entire existence. But I think a lot of us have a bad habit of also thinking in extremes, where either someone/multiple others have to make us happy all the time and if they don't, we think they're not good for us, OR we become so "independent" that we don't even let others integrate into our lives much at all. I've sort of moved into the latter, and I think it's partly out of fear of being with someone just to get hurt again.
@@QMS9224 I think codependency is antithetical to the point that one needs to take care of themselves to decrease the burden of the partner carrying the relationship. I don't see codependency as really ever a good thing, as it skews the idea of "carry equal loads" to "this partner MUST have this role and fulfill such and such or everything will fall apart" and makes a relationship less flexible when change happens. Codependency is the expectation that a partner will do x, y, and z to make you feel emotionally and psychologically fulfilled. It's fine to need a partner to fulfill certain needs when a problem arises, but needing them to ALWAYS do that is unhealthy. The definition is, plainly, the "excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner". Relationships are more than fulfilling an emotional need in the long run.
@@QMS9224 Its funny how in the most successful relationships you'd always depend on each other for everything, but at the same thing don't depend on each other for anything,
One of the favorite tenets of the "R3d P1LL" subculture is that "Romantic Love was made up by advertisers to sell products to women", when, if we look at ancient literature, Romantic Love has existed at least as long as Written Language. I can remember reading an article on an ancient Sumerian tablet that had been translated (Sumeria being THE oldest city built by Humans). It was a love poem. On top of that, the writer was going through heartache that would have made Shakespeare weep. The writer of the poem was tortured over the loss of his love, though it never specified why, and described her beauty, going so far as to compare her complexion to the light of a full moon.
i dont think thats true, i watch sneako a lot and have never heard that.
@@Phoenix-sq9ce you watch that guy? Yikes.
@@jamescooke7243 you still say yikes? Yikes.
You are more likely to get layed, if you're nice to be around the other 95% of the time. Ra-Pe was probably the second way and we're probably all products of it at some point through our ancestors or it wouldn't be strategy 😳
@@mafumofu986 yep. Because I'm not trying to change the words I use to stay hip with the kids. I'm an adult and don't care about using cool words lol time to grow up
I am probably not the demographic (geriatric millennial lol)for this but this hit home as I am ending a long term marriage.
A huge factor in the downfall was emotional affairs. My marriage started to fail when my husband got a smart phone.
My partner was always “looking” for something better- social media gave him access to do this with ease and the cover to excuse his behavior became the fact that they were “just friends.”
So, there were no more inside jokes between him and I because he found new ppl
To create those with and could be perfect mirrors of his sense of humor or whatever else he needed I in that moment without having himself to deal with the inconvenience of the other person’s emotions.
There was no chance to build anything stronger together because the allure of “new” was too accessible and titillating. All this eroded my self esteem and started putting up walls. By the time he started facing the issues that created disconnect (adhd, depression cycles) I was spent emotionally and shut down. He was trying and I had let go.
He blames me. I don’t think he understands how much harm always being in his dms and isolated did to me and our family. He was focused on my faults but didn’t really put in any effort beyond throwing money at me to actually get to know me.
So… yeah. That’s not what a long term relationship is suppose to be. You can’t have one foot out of the door-whatever the reason. If you have a partner and you are actively engaging with ppl you are attracted to, you are playing with fire. my two cents!
Love is devotion. (inspired by bhakti yoga). I think commitment is subtlely different, less giving and more like "sucking it up, putting my ego aside, and making it work". Both I think can (and should?) be present in relationship. This got me thinking... maybe devotion is about the other person (selflessness and giving) and commitment is about oneself (selffulness and self-work). Both are v related and help each other manifest i'm pretty sure as well ;)
love is the ONLY thing that will cause a human being to have the capacity to endure tremendous amounts of pain and inconvenience to obtain lol. nothing else really causes that much energetic focus. not even hyper focus of adhd in a situation where the persons hyperfocus is being 100% supported / enabled. at least thats what i've experienced and observed. there is a diligence which appears when people are in love (or on the brink of falling for/ being in love) that just doesnt happen in any other situation or for any other reason. i dont know if we have the scientific capacity to really be able to figure out everything about it at this point in time tbh. think there is still too much profit motive controlling science to let something like that become public knowledge if anyone did figure it out completely.
Me having been depressed/emotionally unstable and her having a narcissistic personality disorder this was quite some ride. Some years there were on and off times in our relationship and we had many senseless quarrels and many times we asked ourselves if this is going anywhere.
After a lot of therapy for both of us and a lot of work we're still together 13 years later, married and it's great.
So this video makes total sense to me. There is always a lot of work to do to become a balanced relationship
Maybe I’m misinterpreting this message, but I have no problem being flexible in relationships (ie: working on myself).
The real issue comes when the other person gives an “illusion” of being flexible, but after a while that person does absolutely nothing to change. It’s almost like they put on a mask to attract someone, just to revert back to their baseline.
I’m hoping eventually I’ll find someone who is also willing to adapt to making a relationship work, but in my experience it’s been very difficult to find someone willing to put the work into themselves.
thats human nature for ya lol
Same.
same😢
yeah this is exactly what happened to me 🥲
Yes, you are misinterpreting it. Being "flexible" is not about being flexible on working on yourself. Flexible in the context of the video means, your understanding of your partner has to be flexible enough. So that whatever version or side of them they show you, you will continue loving them and support them. Of course it has to have boundaries, like if they are abusing you etc., but that is beside the point. The main point is whatever they made you get attracted in the first place, take them all away and create new reasons to love them. That is what flexibility means. And clearly, based on your explanation, you failed it. Because once they remove that mask, you're disappointed and stops loving them altogether. You're part of the problem in the modern dating world.
There was a Ted talk (I forget which exactly and I just woke up from a nap 😂) that explained that having a bad start to something and sticking through it and turning it around to be positive in the end was far more seductive than something that went perfect entire time.
They used dates for their examples. Dates that started bad but ended good had a sense that they earned happiness and that was stronger than being perfect.
Idk, it's like if we can work past the bad stuff, it makes finding good stuff more valuable...or something
Anyway, goodnight again lol
You know, I think one of the weirdest part about falling into the deepest pits of depression is shutting that part down of your brain. I haven't felt interested in relationships, platonic or romantic in a real long time now, more than a year, what used to be something I craved for is something I essentially don't even feel anymore, I get annoyed when people want to talk to me and I don't feel bad at all about going without talking to anyone but my family(and I am not the one seeking them out, mind you) for weeks, sometimes even a whole month.
I don't know, I guess my brain is just trying to disconnect itself from essentially the things that make living worth it in order to protect itself? I am not sure how that even works, honestly.
arww man:(
I relate to that heavily. Have you tried going to a therapist or anything? Sometimes when we fall deep into shit it feels almost impossible to climb out. I want you to know you're not alone in this and it can get better but only if you actually try to do something about it.
Nastyyyyy sad
Paradoxically, finding love is often itself a checkbox. I think far too few people ask themselves why they're looking for love in the first place. So often it seems to be because it's expected in our culture, which seems like a flawed reason that results in the whole concept becoming more important and stressful than it should be. Our culture ought to normalize being happy alone first and foremost.
Evolutionarily unfeasible.
Some of us want to build families so that’s probably why.
@@ilikepancakes2368 and why do you want to build a family?
Hollywood programs people to think 'love' is the 'heart skips a beat', 'butterflies in the stomach' kinds of rollercoaster responses. But that isn't love, thats the bodies Fight or Flight warning response.
True genuine Love is calm, balanced, serene. It nurtures, its Safe. Love is always present, it never wanes and its never distracted. Its perennial, it endures all things. It can be Trusted because it Trusts.
It never plays games, Love NEVER uses love as a weapon.
If it doesn't reflect the attributes and the virtues of Love, it cannot be Love.
Love is something that is greater than the some of its parts, its greater than the two people individually.
And while it is perennial, its only so when its sustained by both people.
One partner can hold space for the other if they are experiencing a time of struggle.
But if the one in struggle closes their door to Love then one person alone cannot keep it alive for long.
And if they try too it will take draw from their own life force energy and be Soul destroying.
Love is the greatest achievement of the Human Being. And its absence is his greatest failure.
Or Phenethylamine helps, taken with a MAO-B inhibitor like Seligiline or Hordenine.
Love is definitely a choice. The attraction is not a choice, and VERY important, but love is a decision you make. And you definitely don't need to be perfect to build a healthy relationship. Me and my boyfriend definitely were not "finished products" when we got together XD! And we still aren't...We both have improved as people though in my biased opinion. The biggest thing I've had to work on is that I had been going to therapy for years, and only a year before we met each other I discovered that I had gone through sexual trama as a child...I had to work on that first, and had made some improvements...but it still was effecting me a lot. And for my partner he hadn't been able to maintain many relationships with friends or family and had depression and anxiety bad enough that he has had suicidal thoughts. Obviously we didn't lead with that going into our relationship 😅😅😅 But as time went by over a few short months we both on some level had to help one another with these problems. Because of what I went through, I've had panic attacks since the age of seven, and in my adult years it got to the point that I was having them once a month. And anger and rage towards my abuser was my primary focus every single day. Now after being in our relationship with someone I CHOOSE to love and focus on I only have panic attacks every few months and although my anger will never go away, I don't obsess and think about that person everyday anymore. And for my boyfriend we dealt with a one time occurrence where he has serious suicidal thoughts together. Since then I've noticed over the past year that he seems to be a lot more content then he was when we first met. He spends a lot of time with his family trying to rebuild those bonds, and he spends a healthy amount of time with some new friends that he has made, and I've also met them. One of his family members at one point pulled me aside when my partner left to thank me...He said that he didn't know what I did, but that he hadn't ever seen him so happy❤We've been through a lot within only a year. We have some different values then one another in some areas and we've both had to make serious compromises for each other. In that process we have gotten close to the point of ending it all, but we pushed through it, and there are no regrets for that! We haven't gotten everything perfect, but we have a beautiful relationship. And honestly at times I'm amazed how well we have done since none of us have been in a serious relationship before. We both want to get married to each other someday, and so far that hasn't changed🥰
@@4l_xiv I'm sure that you mean it no real offense, but dispite what I've gone through I'm doing fine...I've gone to counseling/therapy for six years straight and the last of it was intensive therapy. I've also been on medication as well to manage my other symptoms of depression and anxiety. For once in my life I can confidently say that I am happy happy and no longer depressed...I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but it feels condescending to try and send me advise/help when I've been doing all the right things to manage the trauma I've been through...The link also doesn't work btw so I can only assume of the information it was going to give, but I am well aware of all the negative attachment styles I likely have and how romance can be only a temporary fix🙄...It's just feels a bit insulting for people to assume that because I've gone through $hit that I cannot manage something as complex as a healthy romantic relationship. Unless your article or video was going to give me a positive outlook on my decision I apologize...But otherwise sending a link to "help" someone without any explanation, or advise of your own explaining why you feel I need to look at it; it feels lazy and dismissive. Almost as if your internal dialog was "Man this girl is so far over her head and clearly incapable of handling someone else with these problems...I better find her something that will help her see how bad an idea this is for her because she clearly doesn't know what she is doing. In fact, she knows so little about relationships or herself that I'll get myself worked up if I even try to explain what the link is for, so I'll just leave it here without context and hope she gets something out of it."
...Point of my rambling is if you disagree with someone, you treat them as if they are intellectually as smart as you are, and you at least give one example of your own before sending anything that backs up your opinion. It's comes off a very negative way, as if I'm so clueless that you cannot begin to explain why you think my relationship is a bad idea.
I think looking for a perfect partner is not a bad approach. But instead of looking for vague traits like shared interests you should be looking for traits like the ability to give/receive criticism and respect towards others. So basically the will to change and make things work. It's all a question of perspective.
I think a big problem as well (I'm a perfectionist, so I know this first-hand), is that I wanna make sure that if I get into a relationship, that it lasts, otherwise I don't bother. This either leads me to being super clingy (which is what happened with my one and only relationship thus far), or I just don't try, because I understand logically that perfection is impossible, but that's an annoying truth that my brain won't acknowledge.
"We have relationships to together solve problems we would not have without them." - might seem a bit cheeky, but this actually helps a lot in building a happy life.
The trouble is when it's one-sided. When do you know when to leave and when to keep making the effort?
I feel like a check box is good for the initial part of a relationship, but then overtime: the check box doesn’t matter
for some reason i never seem to fall in love with people anymore, not like i would in secondary school. there’s no more butterflies, no more fantasies or dreams, nothing at all. it’s weird because i consider myself to be a romantic person, but the attraction is always lacking from my end of things, not from anyone else’s. i wish i could flip a switch and feel infatuation and love towards others more easily
I feel you. I'm the opposite, though....I never, ever want to feel that kind of love again. It's too painful
Wow! For once in my life I’m actually ahead of a Dr. K video! I was contemplating these very things yesterday. Thank you!
Wow! I love how he explain this. He made me have a different view on relationship. Don't come in a relationship and expect to get something, instead come in to give love. I feel the more I give love, I'm actually more happy then to expect something.
Learning with my wife as young adults is the coolest thing and working towards building a life together is Love. The willingness to do it is Love.
it feels like some kinda sick joke learning all i can about love and relationships and psychology after a big break up from a really good relationship.
People often get advised to not get too attached when they’re young but relationships can start at any age, I agree the intentions determine how good and long it lasts.
Every love between people is unique imo. Yes we all should hope to avoid toxic behaviors in others and repair them in ourselves but if we try to love the way we perceive “perfect love” to be, i think its going to be unsatisfying and frustrating for many.
im not personally religious but i do find corinthians 13:4-8 very simple, true, and comforting
“Love is patient, love is kind.”
There was a 10 or 15 year study that took place in the UK, studying ten choice marriage couples and ten arranged marriage couples. The results and findings would be extremely interesting to hear HealthyGamer analyze and talk about it. Can't remember the name of the study unfortunately, but a lot of the data points I remember are still relevant when put into today's cultural context.
Going through a breakup right now where I realized I over prioritized my partner, and when I needed them to prioritize me they couldn't do it.
It's sad. But I understand
Dr k, your videos are changing my life and in affect the lives of those around me. Thank you!
I found this very helpful as someone who has never been in a relationship before. I'm insecure about being "worthy" enough for a partner and understanding that there are people who would be willing to give you a shot despite you not checking all the boxes; it's comforting and makes me feel a little more confident. I'll continue to work on myself, thank you Dr. K.
Some in my family had health problems related to high alcohol intake, smoking and drugs and that's why i have these check boxes.
For me, meeting a woman who drinks alot or smoked or uses drugs is someone who i wouldn't be able to connect with and create a bond/serious relationship.
AITA? xD
A nice parallel would be rerolling accounts in gacha games:
most don't do it, they take what they can get, and are happy about any rare character.
some want a special rare character, so they reroll a few times, get their character and are happy.
and then there's those who want the best: start the game with 6 specific rare characters with a 1/10000000000 chance.
only after rerolling for days, weeks or months do they realize what they want is unreasonable and should be happy with just 3-4 rare characters (when I started with genshin impact)
As a fellow gacha gamer, I suppose this is one way to look at it. What a neat analogy you got here.
Awesome video and Thank you for your work. i think its not about being a perfect partner. Rather recognizing you can become the perfect partner in the eyes of your partner. At this point you realize it was never perfection you/they were looking for. Perfection to me is the sum of all things. In its most refined and efficient state creating a "false" sense of flawlessness and impossibility of defect.
Haven't watched yet but the timing is perfect like always Doc! Wish me luck boiz... this 26yo is finally going on a date with his crush since highschool
Yesssss king! Hope it went well dude!
It seems like everybody's in love with perfection... I feel sorry for them!
me too, perfection isn't real. The only real perfection with love is when you see the natural flaws in your partner and you cherish those along with the benefits
Ever since I experienced love, and now have lost it, I just can’t get enough of it. It’s addicting and I’m relapsing. Before I was fine without it. I wished I never had experienced it.
So.... How do I balance the ignoring of red flags with the fear of ending up in an abusive relationship again? I carried too much, and gave too much trying to make the relationship work. I still have flashbacks.
Is it about having the strength to set boundaries and pay attention only to the red flags that directly hurt me? How long do I stay before I determine if it's a short term struggle or truly a bad relationship? I know this fear is holding me back from building good connections, but I still struggle with finding the balance between self preservation and keeping everyone at a distance.
When he said red flags i don't think he means when your partner abuses you lol.. red/yellow flags hes talking about is maybe like, no income, bad temper(but still not abusive), live with parents. And if youre still struggling with those things i think Dr K's advice would probably be to work on yourself first
I recommend you watch some of his other videos, such as:
The TRUTH behind Red Flags
Why Your Relationships Fall Apart & Attachment Theory
Sow Seeds for Your Future Self
Why You Can't Really Fix Your Sibling's Mental Health
Two Solutions to Anxiety
Working on Everything While Working on Everything
I hope this helps!
I think a good way to think about it is whether their action/attitude (or inaction thereof) has the potential to become abusive. Like someone constantly checking up on you might seem like they're reciprocating your attraction while you're looking through with rose-tinted glasses, but it can and likely will, if they want to or start to control where you go, who you meet, etc., become abusive.
Also, being someone who has been abused before, I usually judge how good someone is (and thus how willing I am to give them a chance, platonic or otherwise) by whether they show that they are considerate for others, whether they are willing to learn from their mistakes, whether they understand personal boundaries (this one is a bit iffy, because there can be cases where someone doesn't mean to act a certain way, but whether it's intentional or not is something you can only deduce with other context about them as a person).
A short term struggle is something that both you and them acknowledge and both are willing to compromise and/or work together to solve the issue. A truly bad relationship is when someone doesn't put in their weight and expects you to do the majority of things, and/or unsympathetic to your plights by bringing attention to themselves
So... I'd say he basically already answered this toward the end, talking about sharing the load, prioritizing each other and both partners working together.
A good relationship is in many ways a choice and it needs to be made by both people. If only one person is actually doing all the work, then obviously that is not going to work. Yes it might work short term but if your partner isn't actually trying to improve themselves so you won't always have to do all the work in the relationship, then leave. That's all there really is to it. Does your partner put in work to improve their and therefor also your situation/the relationship? If yes, alright, that's a good basis for a relationship. If no, then that just ain't gonna cut it and you should probably prepare to move on. The same goes for yourself btw, if you aren't ready to put in work to improve the relationship, then you should probably reconsider wether you actually wanna stay in that relationship.
Your relationships might be able to stand on one foot but moving forward is gonna pretty hard without a second foot to stand on while the first is being lifted.
@@Emile9186 @Cameron Schyuder
Thanks for your replies. I actually ended up talking to my therapist about this topic, and both your comments really line up with what she said, so it's really helpful to get the same information explained from different angles. Helps it stick.
I had to laugh out loud when you listed someone being 6 years older and currently unemployed as a red flag for a relationships. I know a lot of relationships with much larger age gaps and much bigger red flags who work just fine. It's never perfect.
Dr. K has truly a great hair 😃
I do feel that me trying to check all the boxes and find the perfect thing that is what I want and requires no work on my part is a huge problem I have in most areas of my life. You said in another video how the avoidance of pain does not equal happiness. This is true and I know it but I’m still avoiding pain and I think it’s going to take me quite some time to be able to actually accept pain.
I was thinking recently that I want a relationship for the like badge of achievement but I don’t want the hassle of what a relationship actually is.
Me, an aromantic: Fascinating
I'd say your sampling might be skewed towards the positive.
The couples that seek relationship therapy are those that want it to work and are willing to put on the effort. That's basically the definition of a robust relationship
He addressed this in the video
@@johnadeleye7164 i know. That was ny reason for posting this. He expected people to think his work experience would give him a negative bias. Whereas my point is that I would suspect the opposite.
Just discovered Dr. K - love this content, will be binge watching all content this winter.
3:00 I KNEW IT! Love is just brain damage
you cant change people. ive learned that the hard way. you just accept them for who they are.
for me, checking the boxes is just the starting point on if i can live with this person. Changing the person as in compromise, it depends on the person. Check box system is made so that you reduce the chance of getting some psycho person. Its not made for long term.
spot on
Wow this video lowkey turned out giving valid advices and discussions. Thank you for this!
But ... what IS love, and how do I know that what I'm feeling IS love?
There is no science. If they are willing to watch avatar with you, then put a ring on it
This hits way too different!
* has 10 spouses *
Just had an Avatar watch party, crap
Low standards.
I jumped out of online dating for many of the reasons spoken about in this video. And because there is always this seek for perfection, I decided to stop wasting my time with this none sense. I know I'm not perfect and I always work on myself. I accept critique and I admit that I'm human. I'm very humble and understanding. So I know I'm doing my best to search for a relationship and can prove I have alot to offer. And ready to build something. But when I am being stereotyped, when I'm being lumped in, I jump out. I will not stand for games period. I so much as get a hint that a game is being played I leave and run. And I've gotten exhausted honestly. I have autism and I'm an introvert. I'm misunderstood. So I figured it's just easier to lead the single life. When I'm ready to do anything to make it work but the other side isn't willing to budge than I want nothing with them. I'm not going to force someone to change their minds when their minds are already made. They know what they want and it's not me. 👍... Great Video!
What kind of unfair assumptions do they make about you?
Broke up with my girlfriend. We dated for 3 years. We broke up because of long distance. We only got to see once every few months. Our feelings for eachother decrease day by day. Even though when we met, we still hv great chemistry, it all goes away when we are apart again. After watching this video, I realised I was the one who had my life and pieces, and I didnt do what I could to support the relationship. I guess I should pick myself up and become a better person before starting another relationship.
"She was wiser and knew I didnt understand what I was talking about"
LOL
My flexibility stops at any form of non-monogamy.
Open relationships are cancer.
Poly are too
Dr K, I found your videos so easy to focus before but now I can't focus easily because the editing is so fast that it just feels like you're speaking in 1.5x speed. I think your speech is so concise and easy to understand that this editing is not necessary, and the breaks were actually helpful. Just my opinion though. Thank you for your videos!
I always say this to my gf but what made me look at her in a special way was her weird way of walking and wearing black. Surprisingly, she's as awkward as me and now we're together !
Formula for love doesn't exist and there's no definitive definition for love.
There is a definition: God is love
@@AUGUSTINEMINH which one?
@@AUGUSTINEMINH Considering how not everyone believes in a God or deity figure (and even those that do believe, don't all believe in the same one(s), as Yerg points out above) but still experience love, the definition you mention is inaccurate
you probably said the last line to flex the unique relationship, but i came up with "shared appreciation, shared dedication", though i suspect this works better on long term relationships. another comment quoted the bible, and it says "love is patient, love is kind", it's a little bit more vague and a little bit better.
Lovestruck stupid is a real scientifically backed thing? I feel much better about myself now, thank you.
Sarcasm?
This is by far and away the best TH-cam channel and it’s not even close.
dating apps commodify love and it makes us think that other people are dispensable but theoretically you could make a great relationship with anyone with enough effort
rome wasnt built in a day
I want my person back we were only seeing each other for 3 months but they were my first relationship and I care about them deeply. Its not even been a month since we mutually decided to break up but I miss him dearly and can't stop thinking about him.
I'll start by saying that I'm an inexperienced 20M, who's nvr had a relationship (unless 6th grade counts). So discount and take my opinion with a tablespoon of salt 🧂.
But, from wut I've learned by watching Dr. K and understanding the other sex more, I think finding "true love" involves living life without directly looking for "true love." Making friends in wutever situation and circumstances u can and being able to give and take in something lower-risk will prepare u 4 something more than friendship. There aren't many preferences I hav in making friends or workplace relationships, and that should also be the approach to dating. Cuz a potential partner is just another person like u.
What people do not understand is that they think they are in love when in reality they are in a state of limerence that will eventually burn out (~0-3 years) and when that flame is not around, they will chase that same feeling (limerence) on other people and this is what people are addicted about. That is why NRE is common in today's dating culture thinking that they deserve it when in reality is that it only shows that you cannot commit to a person and just jump around chasing the limerence pill (Not always but most relationships I've come across). Actual love is a decision and not a feeling. If you build a family based on emotions only, then you are likely setting yourself for future cheating or divorce.
TLDR: People should realize that couples should wait for the limerence to burn out and then decide if they want to be together and avoid feeling limerence to other people. They can also chase limerence without committing for the rest of their lives as they are slaves of the mind.
For sure, a lot of people do get caught up in the romance phase of dating and fall apart once the chemicals wear off & the day-to-day sets in. Limerance, however, is about fantasy and generally limited to the less than 50% of the population with insecure attachment. DTR in secure dating is just deciding "I want to work towards being a team with you." You're right: limerant people can't do that because they're stuck on the highs & the fantasy, not on the person, real Love, or growth.
the concept of building relationships being a 'skill' you can get better at is really a joy to rock around. Although it looks sad to go on youtube like "how to be more interesting" or "how to take better pictures", it does work.
People in your culture might have other ideas. For many desi women, it's still hard to leave even if they want to. There's a lot of stigma...It's not because they are better at love...
Oh for sure, people staying together isn't necessarily out of love. This happens everywhere imo. Ideally, people stay out of love for each other, but that's not reality unfortunately
I just love your lessons and insights. Thank you, Dr. K.
This is exactly what I hated! Its like people are products to be sold!
But how do you find someone who wants to work on a relationship instead of just perpetually "shopping" for someone who checks the boxes? Why does it seem like everyone I run into is the latter?
I'm definitely getting less selective, but I'm also getting less prospects
I'm on the spectrum myself and I cannot figure out love even when my life depended on it. With autism often comes a certain amount of alexithymia, therefore I'm a very rational person that simply doesn't feel certain emotions, romantic love is one of them. There's no way for me to even start rationally explaining what romantic love means, but what is interesting, neurotypicals do almost an equally poor job explaining love rationally yet they still feel it.
I think that romantic love is a feeling that cannot actually be rationalised like some other feelings. It simply doesn't even exist in the rational dimension. Therefore exploring romantic love in a scientific way is very difficult, if not impossible.
I'm the same. Recently did a neurotransmitter test and saw my brain doesn't make dopamine at all. I'm now getting the L Dopa boost, combined with more time for special interests, and polarity work and that seems to be the key. We aren't defective we just have to do things a little different to make sense to others.
That's interesting, I havent done testing but I an empathic person yet for some reason romantic love has always eluded me. I never understood why people obsessed over it. They tell me in due time I'll meet the person (and no I dont belive in "the one") yet I can't even fall in love in 2D inanimate objects the way normal people can
Love is a lesson in pain management! The more you're capable of dealing with pain, the more likely you'll survive!
As an autistic person myself, be careful not to confuse not recognizing/noticing feelings and emotions with rationality. Alexithymia is not feeling our feelings, but it doesn't mean we don't have them. Feelings are still likely to affect our behaviour even when we don't notice them. People who are the most convinced of their rationality are often those who are the most blinded by their feelings. Not saying it's your case, I'm saying this so you stay careful and remain grounded.
@@micheller3251 It doesn't *neccessarily* mean we don't have them. But it could very well be the case. Alexithymia is broad term enough to comfortably mean either of these things.
Nothing was lost, in an arranged marriage the family is watched by the community so there is pressure on the couple to work out there differences, but in modern society woman are literally incentivised to divorce their husband's, you can't demand compromise as from a position of weakness
This is the first time Dr K says exacty what has been my viewpoint on relationships since I have been a teenager.
This made me more refreshed but at the same time… more confused. If we aren’t supposed to really expect perfect and instead fight for love, then what do we really do to determine who we wanna date; like obviously there’s things we want in a relationship, so do we just not worry as much and just find someone that we find attractive and interesting and hope they are flexible with working towards a good relationship?
yep
My thoughts exactly...I think basic attraction and then flexibility is the way to go? But at the same time you should never settle for someone who comes with a trait that makes you reoccurringly unhapppy.
@@flyingdordish1160 totally understand and see that, luckily don’t have to worry about that cause I really just don’t find people that I relate with much at all
@@eliwood1079 ah well, i hope you do one day!! Just depends on where you are in life and what sort of community surrounds you (+ digging deeper into ppl's fascades and a bit of luck i guess)
I have had this problem personally, where my last girlfriend really did check all the boxes I made in my head, but then stuff came up which was problematic but 100% workable/could be communicated since she was very open to talk but I panicked and jumped ship. After that breakup my first thoughts were "damn, I'm excited to find the next person who is gonna be perfect and fullfill a myriad of other made up boxes (which I had then just came up with)", it took lots of time and effort to work on my problems (and continue to do so now), talk to friends and a coach to realize the lessons told here. Of course life is the best teacher.
Super interesting take and form personal experience I think I agree with most of it actually. I don't think it doesn't speak to literally everyone but love the way you back your points up with personal experience and science!
What I understand from this video is that no one is perfect, and one should work on themselves and their relationship for it to work. My question is when you know it's time to end the relationship? Is it when you put in the work while the other person doesn't? Or when the other partner being abusive of you?
There's way too much of the notion that if two people are not compatible, either romantically or as friends, that one of them must be "wrong" and is supposed to change. As if we're all supposed to be compatible. This was a lot more prevalent generations ago and it's finally mostly going away in a lot of parts of society as diversity is more and more appreciated. But it still lingers in these areas for some reason. And people take non-compatibility as a reason to dislike someone and/or wish them unhappiness.
Also I disagree with the notion that any time spent dating someone who you don't eventually marry is all wasted time. If you're choosing to date in a way that is not enjoyable to you, then that's just you doing it wrong.
10:45
I swear to god there is like 90% change he has a video saying how bad it is to stick in a bad relationship expecting the other person to change.
In fact, it prob is in one relating to having a depressed, or mentally ill partner and the other not being responsible for them.
WHAT IS LOVE... baby don't hurt me
Love this!!! Thank you Dr. K! Getting everything we want doesn’t make us happy!! We also need to make room for our partners needs! 😮
your view reminds me of Erich Froms view of love. He sais we should focus on loving (giving) instead of trying to make us self as lovable as possible (receiving) so yeah it makes a lot of sense
The main take away from this video is that "your love" has to be flexible.
Whatever made you attracted to your partner at first, take them all away and ask yourself "Can I create new reasons to love this person?". If you can answer that, you pass the flexibility test. Coincidentally, this is one feature of truly loving someone. If your partner is also flexible to you, then you basically won the dating lottery. Your relationship is set for life. Because no matter what happen, both of you has endless reasons to love each other.
How interesting. When I check a candidate for partnership potential, then I look at .....
🔹their skill sets to work through difficulties
🔹to manage their own aspects or know which they can't manage well (aka self-assesment).
🔹I see if our methods of doing so can be aligned well (if necesary, with some work).
🔹I check for openness as my capacity for it is very high and they'll be terribly challenged if they can't accommodate that to some degree. I'm not willing to set them up to failure that way and myself alongsides them.
🔹I check if our physical realities can be aligned (with some effort). Because when things like waking rythms are different AND we cannot shift our schedules to make time without bending everything with force then our channces are just too low
🔹I check if our capacities to learn are (currently) sufficient for what we'll need to adjust. And there's basically a stamina or "potential for stamina extension" check.
I tried to word to candidated before why it turned out to be a "no" and I really couldn't word it. I couldn't word that I "see" different from people around me and am very aware of the "big picture" within a very short time. I can anticipate the "to do's" we'll have right off the bat and along the line. And I need to see a certain degree of awareness and maturity to feel safe enough to give it a go. Because my current situation requires some degree of efficiency. Since entering a close relationship comes with some extra high stakes for my case. I couldnn't word to them, that it wasn't about anything specific, but rather, that they were not yet in a place of sufficient plasticity to have a solid chance to accomodate me. As they don't show enough placticity to currently accommodate themselves. And my heart will tear over them if they attemt to rush that process. Or rush my own, in the places where they need me to be there for them but there's no way I'll ge there any time soon (or ever).
It takes so much out of people to be vulnerable and accountable with each other in close proximity in our current world. I am so ready to be deeply dedicated to that area of life. And they, too, will be a fool, with me, in love. How could I expose us to the crushing hurt of things not working out, when I cannot see us having a solid chance to make it work and/or make it well through a failed attempt? I care too much to turn this degree of blind. I love others and myself too much to prioritise short term gains. At the very least, I want them and myself to walk out of this more abundant than before. And be supported enough to succesfully pick up the pieces of the selves we'll have to rebuild, upn parting.
The same is true to some extent with work - you could be trying to find the best work, or you could invest in improving the current place. Talk to a manager to see if the company is willing to invest in that improvement as well.
Gunna make me cry doc, don’t read my life like that.
Actually, it does not make sense to say a long term relationship results from happiness. Happiness is temporary, and always will be. So, I must reverently disagree with you here. Happiness is not something anyone should aim for in the expectation it will last or be consistent. It won't happen. The motivation for a relationship has to be based on something different entirely.
I don't think that was his point, he said happiness is built, not from the beginning. Making his point the difference