Malignant Narcissist Father with Daughter - Role Play - Clinical Analysis
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 มิ.ย. 2024
- Clinical Analysis - Malignant Narcissist Father with Daughter - Role Play
Hi guys!
I hope this is helpful to you!
Here is my take on the malignant narcissistic father - I imagine this will be familiar to you.
Covered in this video are the following issues: npd, codependency, emotional abuse, misogyny, divorce, toxic family, sexism, toxic father, narcissist, control, manipulation, grandiosity, ego, boundaries, emotional neglect, blame, shame.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
0:18 Beginning of Role Play
7:26 Recap of Role Play
12:47 Final Thoughts
13:39 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
"A malignant narcissist parent wouldn't know who their children actually are." Word.
Facts
Oh I would always say to my parents “you don’t know me” and they would always say “I know you better than you know yourself”, which always left me second guessing my opinions and choices and looking for their approval bc they “knew me better”
@@---tc8km such a manipulative thing to say. Hope you're doing better
@@annaeverette8960 I am, thank you dear :)
My dad misrepresenting/bullying me at parties (always for laughs) was a recurrent theme for me growing up, and I often wondered if he even knew who I was. Lo and behold, when I went no-contact, he sent me a schmaltzy letter trying to show "how much he knew me" . . . it was LITERALLY a rewrite of my work resume 😂What's more, it seemed he copied it off of a version I'd saved on their old computer, because it didn't move beyond ten years ago! 🤣 I admit it felt good to be validated in my suspicions! A touch horrifying, but grounding for sure.
This "how the world works" expression is probably in the top 10 most toxic things that can be said in a conversation.
Something you didn't highlight in your analysis but that I thought was also spot-on is the way he praises her WHILE he is denigrating her ("you could do something extraordinary" etc etc). Narcissists build their targets up & tear them down almost in the same breath, keeping them deeply emotionally off-balance in the conversation. I'll bet the praise he lured her with would be praise she'd have been conditioned to crave desperately (and rarely get). Expert manipulation of her with the dysfunction he set up. This is a key tool my dad uses. 😕
Thanks, Dr. Leahan. These are such helpful role-plays.
Hypotheticals are the WORST. Spot on.
You got that right!
@@muirgirl both my dysfunctional parents love to weaponize the “where would you be without us” hypothetical all the time 🤦🏾♀️
It would be really interesting to see a role play with a malignant narc parent and the "golden child" in the family.
All that happens is that the golden child sadly nods and says yes dad . I am the golden child and we have learned to become the golden child by staying silent and not arguing. Do not argue back just stay silent
@@heinuchung8680 100% agreed here. It was weird watching this video because it felt so removed from me, but definitely accurate regarding my fathers relationships with my sisters and mom (and his newer girlfriends that never last). Still, I'd like to see the golden child relationship, as well.
100% agree!!!!!
Oh yes, please!!!
@@heinuchung8680 It could be different i became a rebellious annoying brat to him that criticizes the narcissist all the time. Ruined my relationship to him but idc anymore.
Ok that "you don't need therapy, you need a job" hurts because I've heard it SO MUCH! "You don't have depression, you just need to be busy! It worked fine for me!" And me crying in the background "I can't hold a job, I've tried, I got fired, please, I really need help!" My sister ended up paying for my therapy until I got myself a temporary job, I had a bad relapse and used my savings from the new job to check me into rehab, where I stayed for four months. AND JUST THEN they believed me. They don't fully believe my diagnosis though, and keep pushing natural medicine and diet to "cure" it.
This video is literally my life omg.. it feels so nice to know I’m not crazy for feeling like my fathers “help” is just manipulation. I just feel like this validated how I have felt for so long, thank you so much!
That no one cares comment is really annoying. These people always want to "help" btw. I've had them "help" me so many times yet they never actually help anything...
@Noone Cares Obviously I cared and so do a lot of people. You seem to care too, otherwise you wouldn't be here.
omg, now no one cares disappeared
I always an afraid people will think I am crazy!
Afraid of getting into trouble is the story of my life! I say that all the time. I often tell people I wasn't allowed to get angry while growing up. This video helped me understand where my fears come from and why I still struggle at age 50. Videos like yours and these role plays have been extremely eye opening and has given me the strength to finally get professional help. Thank you!!!
I finally removed myself from my dad and his side of the family earlier this year and honestly it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. I still have a LOT of healing to do, but not having them in my life means I'm not their scapegoat anymore.
Good for you! I have done the same.
Me too. But it took the most awful, horrendous situation to do it. I am still recovering ... it's been a long time. I had to cut off my brother too.
"They will weaponize intelligence". This is my father to a T, along with the vanity, misogyny, and coparent bashing. To answer your question, based on my own experience the father would never let the daughter live down him helping her with her job. It would serve as a means of control and manipulation, something that he could use to throw in her face later on to control her through guilt and shame.
I think I'm 5 times smarter than my Dad, but he has told me in full of s#*& for so long that I only recently started to realise it. X
Yuuuuup
He would use it to say " u wouldnt be there without me" everytime u had an issue n would probably bring up that he could take u out if that position as easy as he 'helped u" get it, or to say "i told u so" wen ur shit falls apart.
@@rinabobina8453 ughhhhh same with my Dad!
@@chrisbcakes4949 Same here! It took a lot of healing for me to realize that I'm not the person that my father has made me out to before years. I finally recognize how projection works and that that's what I've been dealing with when it comes to my father.
After watching this video it really shows me how much of a narcissist my father really is I’m no longer going to try with him because every time we talk I’m always in tears at the end
Seeing this from the outside is so MIND BLOWING. Hearing it and realizing that my dad has the same sayings even though we're not English speakers... wow. Just wow. I cant thank you enough for this video I feel like I opened my third eye
The notes about generosity being a manipulation tactic explain why I absolutely HATE receiving gifts or loans from friends and family. They always feel like insurance for me to be on my best behavior.
OMG THIS!!!!!! I never realized this!!!!
I HATE when people help me or give me something, I always think “WHY??? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??”
And then.. “WAIT, NOW I OWE THIS PERSON, IT’S A TRAP!!!!!”
Tragically, I have seen this exemplified in my five year old daughter. Upon arriving for the weekend, she would ask permission for every thing including playing with her toys or even going to the bathroom. She is super resilient though and so snuggling up with her and reminding her of the truth that she is awesome, smart, kind hearted, trustworthy and a pleasure to be around is adequate and helps her to relax. She is so strong and it’s so impressive that she is able to snap back to herself so responsively but I fear the long term effects. Certainly no five year old or anyone of any age should have to be made to feel full of anxiety just to exist.
Those who have the chance to work with you in therapy are lucky!
Every time I watch your videos it helps me.
I understand your schedule is full, but is there a therapist with the same approach that you could recommend me?
Thanks a lot.
Jean
"I thought you'd make a fantastic pretty anchor woman" reminds me of the way my father once spoke of my sister... as though he was casting her in a role!
Mine used to brag to his friends that I had "great tits". 🙄
@@jennifer9047 Wow. That is SO gross and out of line. Holy Cats.
I’d really like to see the father-daughter relationship with a covert narcissistic father please.
I would like to see that too. I think that might be my fathers' narcissistic style. He can be almost as aggressive as this, interrogating is his style....then bad mouthing me behind my back. I was largely raised by my stepfather though and when my father came back into my life doing such things I eventually... not right away I am ashamed to say... called him out on specific very hurtful things there and then. He minimised by saying 'oh well, I mentioned that but it doesnt matter it was a long time ago...regarding a very serious situation from the past... Too complex to explain here. I was disowned.
I find that I've definitely unintentionally taken on my fathers judgmental attitude and image-based "values". Would love to see a video about how to un-do this!
I really appreciate these videos. My father isn't as aggressive as this but certainly has parentified me over the years. Only now I'm 40 am I learning how damaging my childhood was. It's traumatic to realise your parent has always put themselves first but content like this is so so validating. 🙏
Girl, I'm in the same boat. A lifetime of abuse we need to recover from. God speed dear. We've got this now that we've identified the demon that's been riding us and influencing our decisions for 40 years ❤️
Yeah same but damn this is really triggering me this video because I’ve been in relationships with narcisstic people
Coffee, toast for breakfast and Patrick to explain why my 82 year old Dad is always 'just too busy' to see me - but boy! he'd really 'love' to see me if he had the time. In another lifetime, I guess, when his view of life is not distorted by the scourge of narcissism. Thank you for these inspiring videos, explaining it was never me and that I'm okay.
You’ve gotta listen to the song & lyrics to: Cats in the Cradle. I literally sing this to my dad when he’s not able to get together because his work has him too busy…and is far more important.
Dearest Patrick, your channel hits home. I am undoing a wound now about me being the first to Enter therapy at age 17/18 and nobody knew how to address it. I sought it out myself. I was also the first to go to college. I realize now there was never any praise of my strength and will to heal. But shame shame shame. Thanks for your videos.
I really relate
Oh that was me - and my mother run up to my therapist to tell her what terrible daughter I am (I actually thought she was coming to therapy with me to solve issues together). That scared the shit out of me because I thought my therapist would believe her. The next session I was alone again (my mother had already “set the record straight”, she “didn’t need therapy” of course), my therapist told me very clear: you HAVE TO get out of that house, if you cannot do it, we have to find a way for you to block them out emotionally so you can survive until you can get out of that house. That was extremely relieving and validating.
So true about a Covert Narcissist father.
The demeaning and criticizing others and they are never wrong or ever have to take responsibility for anything.
I HOPE you can do more of these role playing videos of Covert Narcissism!
These are so helpful to see it all in return from the outside in.
Please, do more role plays of different mental disorders bi-polar, Covert & Overt Narcissism and more Co-dependancy.
Well done Patrick!! Thank you.
This is 100% the dynamic I had with my dad. Right down to the claim that people "worship" him at work. I no longer live with my parents, but I still have so much self-hatred and rage that bubbles up, and I constantly feel like I have to justify my choices and beliefs to others.
When the algorithm understands what you’re experiencing more than anyone else.
Commenting for algorithm, and because this role-play thing has been so, so incredibly helpful
Can you do a role play on a narcissistic mom who has unreachable expectations for her daughter and can’t stop controlling every aspect of her life even though she is over 18?
I’m sorry for this daughter. Just realize my sister is 65 and still being controlled by our mother. I was over 50 when I finally realized what was going on and had been with a narc husband for 17 years. I’m not sure your age but be very aware that any abuse during growing up can make someone more likely to be with an abusive partner.
This was really good. I ‘ve had this type of conversation, so many times with my father and you described him perfectly in your comments. My father being a misogynist narcissist did make be a aggressive bitch at times towards other men. Because I wasn’t gonna allow that kind of treatment from other men. He also used to talk very badly of my mom to my sister and I for many years. They are still married and in their late 60’s but gave me a very bad example of normal marriage.
Wow. This is gold. Can save people losing decades of their life with the focus on patterns. Even some of the phrases are so common. I was at Uni for a BScN for a year, to get in solid before revealing this shameful career path to my family. It would not have mattered what I did, as there was such contempt, distain, and disconnect. Anyways, found my calling, had a good career and would like to say that these role plays with analyses is pure gold.
Something that is hardly ever addressed by psychology channels, websites, books, etc., is any kind of abuse from an older sibling during childhood. I don't know how common it is, but it has to happen more than it is talked about. I would really appreciate it if you could do a video or two about this subject. Older siblings in dysfunctional families can sometimes take out their anger on a smaller sister or brother. They can physically and emotionally abuse a younger sibling who can't fight back because of the age/gender differences. I think it's an important topic that should be brought into the open and talked about.
Unfortunately I did this as the older sister to my younger sister. I was a nasty, mean bully and I never understood why I treated her that way until I started with therapy.
This is literally my dad. It’s sad that I’ve had to try and keep boundaries all these years. I even explained to him at length that I am an adult and I need space to make my own decisions. He just turned around and every chance he gets he tells the family that I never talk to him but conveniently leaves out the reasons why.
“Trigger warning” is right ☹️
Patrick, thank you for the validation.
Really helpful - words for the patterns. My parents both chose neglect most of the time about my interests and talents but if there was any attention, it was disdainful and without any real understanding of what I was talking about. Mean and brief. I have distanced myself a lot but the toxic thoughts and attitudes I have whenever I pursue interests, desires and hopes continue within. I have left some of them in the dust and will continue. I feel upset when I watch these videos but also encouraged and “normal.” So many years of thinking my values and ways of being were flawed...thanks again for the clarity and good vibes for our healing
I totally relate
My dad doesn’t like the fact that I am an art teacher and says I’ll never make any “real money”. He told me he has a job lined up for me and I could be more like my cousin. lol this video is spot on
My das is a lawyer and has his own firm. He manipulated me to study law (I wanted to study psychology) and when I finally gave in I said I wanted to be a human rights lawyer. He and my mother together with my brothers made fun of me for that comment for YEARS. My father said I am to work with him at his firm and that’s it.
Luckily, I got out of that hell and have my own life in another country and have zero contact with them. They can kiss my ass
@@---tc8km wow! Happy you were able to find peace❤️
Wow you are impressive Patrick Teahan. That conversation sounded just like the conversation i had with my narcissistic dad today. Its an absolutely waste of time to reason with a parent like this. I just stay away & live my peaceful life with not very much of him. I keep the toxicity away.
I appreciate this channel, because it’s actually giving solutions and not just promoting the need for therapy, it’s totally seeking to help people. Awesome.
My mother acts like this! This video is very spot on for parents that display this type if domineering and controlling behavior.
My father was a malignant narcssist (or sociopath) who wouldn't spare even two minutes weekly to have a conversation with me, let alone a drawn out phone conversation like this. He wouldn't try to persuade me or guide me or pretend that he cared about me or convince me to take a different path.. He didn't care about me at all. He beat me when I was an infant. He reminded me daily that I was disgusting, stupid, deficient, unloveable and lay down totally unreasonable rules about whether or not I could leave the house and exactly what I must do inside and outside the house. If I didn't follow his rules, or if he mistakenly believed that I didn't follow his rules, I would be beaten into submission. He wanted to kill me. The father in this video would have been a major improvement.
The “you’re probably getting conned” line hit home hard for me, oddly enough. My parents spent a lot of time telling me how my friends, who were my one lifeline for a long time, only wanted to steal from and lie to me. The nice job I was offered that would allow me to travel like I wanted was probably a scam. The extended family members who reached out to me were just trying to get back at them. My therapist was trying to brainwash me. Nobody outside of the cult was good or honest or could be trusted.
The cognitive dissonance of this is part of what broke me out of their worldview early on. The things they warned me my friends would try to do never materialized. My extended family respected my boundaries and treated me with kindness. And when I told them people within the church were hurting me, they didn’t listen.
They said they wanted what was “best for me”, and I’m sure in their mind that’s true. It’s just that, by “best for me”, they mean closest to the ideal image in their head of who their daughter should be, and not my image of the life I’d like to live and the person I’d like to be.
Patrick, would you consider adding voiceover with your insightful scripts? I’d love to listen to it while I’m getting other stuff done. Thank you for your work as always.
Yes! I was going to comment the same thing! I would love and appreciate a voice over.
It was horrifying just to watch a pretend role-play on this. I wanted to throat-punch the narcissistic father! My empathy and love goes out to all that have been victims of this type of abuse. I pray you will find help and healing from it, and realize that you are a wonderful, loved person, just as you are.
This is so incredibly spot on, it's actually scary.
Literally my dad, he believes in therapy however. He's told me about his times in "deep therapy" but then proceeds to gaslight me even with the knowledge of my childhood trauma with father figures. I only found this account literally less than an hour ago and I feel so understood. Definitely trying the inner child challenge and sending to both my sisters.
I love the analysis in between.
the analysis is so helpful. thank you for including this. i always struggle to explain how someone's hurting me because it makes no sense but this is so clear and helps so much. thank you
Thank you for this video. I can't imagine going forward without it. It really hits home and makes me feel like maybe I wasn't an overly sensitive child after all.
I have literally never felt more validated in my life... thank you so much
My dad was much scarier and meaner than you! (Lol) my dad passed many years ago, but his voice is still in my head, and his ‘withering’ look/sneer he gave me regularly, still appears in my mind. I appreciate your site and your insights. You have really been helpful to me.
Omg! This is my father exactly! But rather than caving outright, from an early age I would react on the opposite end of the spectrum with sheer thoughtless outrage. To others I was a "disrespectful child" but to me I was protecting myself. For some reason I would still seek moments of validation, knowing what would likely happen. I finally officially set myself free and my anxiety and anger management has been so much better. I still have alot of deeply rooted aggression I'm coping with.
Im so glad you admitted this and I feel the same way and acted the same way. I have so much anger even now after basically having almosy no contact with them for the past 4 years, I want to scream at them about how fucked up they were to me and to my brother and to each other when we were little.
I wish more people would talk about this part of it. But honestly I'm afraid to because I still feel guilt about being a "bad kid" even though I was just doing exactly what my parents did to me.
Oh my god my dad is like this just not so aggressive. He brings up my looks and smarts all the time. Not to compliment me but to act like I should be on the news or something doing something HE’D approve of.
Just watching this video makes me feel physically ill. This is my adopted father to a T. My mother stayed with him and he talked about her like this to her face. I always thought my mother was a victim, maybe she was but he died last year and I am realizing she behaves this way too. I am in therapy, trying to recover.
This is definitely me growing up. My dad was definitely a narc and I felt his wrath before his death. I never could be good enough for him, rather in high school or college. I wanted to get a second degree, all I got was ridicule. I never got the job I wanted and still dependent on family to survive. I just gave up.
I’m 26/27 years old and I’m talking to my dad about financial issues. I had asked him for help with my old Prius because what I thought was going to be a few hundred dollars turned out to be thousands. He could believe I didn’t call him as soon as I had troubles, because he’s “the car guy”. I told him I tried to figure it out on my own first. It was very personal to him: When we picked up my car, he drove it, and drove me straight to the bank. Told me I was going to walk in there and ask them for a car loan. (There had been brief mention of me wanting to find ways to build my credit) I didnt want to, but I shut down. Thank god they were closed that day as it was a government recognized holiday. I couldn’t afford monthly payments. Hence the reason why my 500 dollar credit card was maxed out and I needed help. This began my goal of never ever asking him for money again.
This is every single conversation between my parents and me. Thank you for creating more awareness about this.
This is some bizarre hybrid conversation of exchanges I've had with my dad and my sister (she was the golden child). It'd be cool if you could do a video about narcissistic sibling abuse -- that gets overlooked and can be just as damaging.
😲😫 Did you record a phone call with my dad and me? 😬 This is uncomfortably relatable. Thank you for making this content. It’s really helpful.
Lol my dad hates non profits too and has ‘mixed feelings’ that I volunteer 😳
I can't even finish this video. This is my dad. Minus some of the job stuff, this is exactly how he talks
I found this video today, after texting with my (no longer as malignant) narcissistic father on Father's Day (made a conscious decision not to reach out, he texted me) and giving him a ride today. He was pushing for me to go into the same career field as him, even actually said "Im not trying to bulldoze you, I know I do that" but failed to take into account any of my feelings. This roleplay really helped me to process our relationship. Thanks for making these roleplays
I was told that I was "wasting my life" when I joined the Peace Corps! Later on those same people bragged that I had done it. I guess they found out other people admired that sort of thing.
It's so interesting how my situation is so similar in some aspects, but at the same time, my father wants me to become independent and successful.
It's like he does all of these things, shaming me, my career path, my friends, their social status, etc., but then tells me he wants me to live my best life and that he'll always support me, and it's so... contradictory???
Edit: I mean he's actually there for me economically, but not emotionally because he doesn't seem to know how to do it.
It's confusing, like he genuinely doesn't realize all the harm he's causing.
I needed this right before the Thanksgiving and Christmas that I am basically required to attend because my husband and I are dependent on their help right now. Our car is always breaking down, we are always late on rent right now, and I always have to ask for my toxic family's help because I truly feel like I don't have a choice. I have decided to apply for this job next door that I can walk to, that I have been doubting myself about so I don't have to ask for any more help, and not attend any more holidays. My "stepmother" and my sister both are what is called "flying monkeys" and they constantly try to get me to attend these things knowing that I hate it, and knowing that if they wanted to come see me alone at my house, I would have no problem seeing them. But all they can talk about is my dad, and what he is doing and how he feels about things when all I want to do is avoid him, his feelings, and have my own life. I guess if they can't stop trying to bring me in as a supply as well, I have no choice but to stop talking to them as well. I wish they could understand, but maybe they never will. :(
This makes me so sad because this narc father is an exact copy of my dad! I am 33, have a mortgage, I’m a teacher, a 3 year old daughter and I’m engaged and I still revert to being a child around my father because he speaks to me in this way.
This breakdown is so incredibly helpful! And when you show the healthy version of events (survivor or perpetrator), it is so helpful. Don't even have the words...
The healthy version seems so alien to me. I recall being amazed when my friend’s parents would respond to them in a healthy manner. I had no idea 🤷♀️.
My old therapist used to say “ what you don’t get rid of, you pass on”.
That proved true when observing my childhood friends and their own children. Playing favorites, scapegoating the next day, not believing her little darlings could possibly be up to the partying, skipping school, and other illegal things we ourselves had done in secondary school. I have no children.
I took pictures of the explanations in the event I talk to my mother again. I will be going through these while she’s speaking. Thank you!
When I told my dad I was put on disability because of my seizures. His response was "How much is this going to cost me". Im almost 40.
“Ugh you are such a drama queen”, “the things you do to get attention”
@@---tc8km seriously! My father is a controlling manipulative narcissist who was physically and emotionally abusive to my mother and myself. I learned at a young age that mistakes are wrong. I was "r-worded" at the age of 8 and was so afraid to tell my own parents because of how they treated me that it went on for a year. I developed an eating disorder as a teen because my father told me how fat i was. I was thrown against walls as an adult at 18 and my mother did nothing to defend me.. The only escape was to move in my my boyfriend at the time which then went on to a 6 year relationship with a guy that left bruises all over my body and left me so broken. This is not being dramatic. This was ridiculous sad. And this is a channel discussing toxic parents and how they've effected you. You do not live with these scars so don't you dare come on here and say im being dramatic for attention.
@@laurens9663 my experience was so similar... my mother wouldn't so anything, I ended up hating her as much as my father. I also started at relationship with someone who I couldn't move in with but who I was incredibly dependent on emotionally... The time, effort and pain it takes to get out of these vicious cicles and the scars they leave us are a terrible burden to carry around. My only silver lining is that despite all that, I never turned out like them. The biggest difference between them and us is that love, and not hate, is what keeps us going. Love for ourselves, even when we think we hate ourselves and we are not enough, we are actually loving ourselves more than anybody ever did. Keep loving yourself sister
I had a narcissistic father from a domineering religious background. He has passed on a while ago but what you said really stuck with me about how narcissistic fathers and their sons tend to get into these weird comparing feuds. I never really thought about it until you mentioned it but that’s exactly the case. I like all your videos that you do but I would love if you eventually did the narcissistic father having an argument with his son. Especially where the father uses religion.
Thank you for your work.
Do you know the channel "TheraminTrees"? Just felt like mentioning it to you. It's very much about manipulation in religious families and I found it quite special.
@@waslias Yes! I actually have discovered that channel fairly recently. Thank you
woo! learning my mother isn't my only narcissistic parent. cant wait to get away from them.
Patrick thank you for making these validating and life-saving videos. You truly are a treasure. They hit so close to my heart. For the first time in my life, I’m understanding the abusive dynamic and my trauma. I’ve not felt so validated for a long time and am sick and tired of people minimizing and gaslighting the abuse of these types of malignant parents. I only wish I’d seen your videos years earlier so my Inner Child could forgive themselves and see that it’s not okay for your parents to abuse you and damn right not their responsibility to continue to be abused just because they are my “biological parents”. Please keep making videos Patrick, may you be well 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
I didn't know this was common. Every single conversation with him was like this. And now that I haven't seen or spoken to him in 3 years, I find myself missing him and hating myself because every time I look in the mirror, I see him. And I hear his voice in my head with every move I make. This role play hit too close to home for me, and I hope that people who dealt with this can heal and enjoy life the way they were meant to and not how their shithead parent wanted them to.
At first I was annoyed with the text block breaks... until I realized just how triggering this material was for me, and how much it would be like actual flooding if it never stopped. The format is insightful and very helpful, thank you.
This was simultaneously triggering and validating AF. It is so good to see my father’s behavior for what it is, even though it hurts.
Omg, the “good enough decisions” point. I will never be ethical enough, or have the perfect style, and it takes me 2 weeks of thinking before I can make a purchase. 😬
Oh hi, that’s very familiar.
As always, so so so helpful. 🙌 The ‘vanity/shallowness’ part reminded me of that one time my parent almost fake cried on the phone in distress/disgust after coming across some old photos and seeing how slim I ‘used to be’ 😂😂😂 Thankfully I am far enough along the road to happy authenticity to be able to laugh that nonsense off, and just have fun with the over dramatic distress. (**note to self: scoff a giant slice of cake in front of them soon, then do a countdown for that look of disdain... 3, 2, 1.. and there it is! 😫)
🤣🤣🤣
No contact is definitely not the only way to deal with these situations, regardless of where you are in your healing, so I appreciate how Patrick always calls out the judginess around that. It is possible to maintain a cordial relationship at a safe and boundaried distance after making yourself strong and centered enough to handle them in small doses. Just takes a lot of work, and time, and a robust sense of humour, but I found no better way to develop my boundary setting skills than to practice them on my biggest triggers. They are oblivious to their own toxicity and will never develop self awareness, but I still care about them and have no desire to ‘punish’ them by removing myself entirely from their lives, if there is another way to do it that hurts everyone (including me) less. Part of getting to know yourself is knowing what works best for YOU, so don’t let anyone tell you how you ‘should’ be handling things.
One problem is the high suicide rate when choosing to not go no-contact. Another reason is that the malignant side of the disorder can turn violent.
I'm not punishing anybody I was punished enough. Finally free to heal.
Wow…….I’m halfway through and this feels like you took a look inside my brain. I’m trying to learn more about this, and hopefully stand up to my dad. Thank you for making this content.
Feels like my Father is like this. When my parents broke up my Father hated my Mother and as I grew up he thought I “had too much of my Mother in me” and hated me too. He actually looked at me with disgust when he said that. I was 11 and I knew my Daddy hated me too. My Mother did the same in her own way. He took me away from her for 5 years and told me that it was me that made him brake up with her because I asked him to! BS and told me I shouldn’t want to see my Mother because she’s a bad person and if I do see or speak to her then I’m going against him! I’m 35 now and I am only just dealing with the mental BS from my childhood I tried to confront him once and for all but he’s hiding behind my stepmother now making out I’m a terrible person again 😏 everything he has told me about myself I have take with me all through my life and it has shaped me as a person. I’ve recently started my spiritual journey and only now have I got the guts to stand up for myself.
This is so me. I also had childhood trauma due to a disability and the total cost, not what insurance paid, was used against me. I was left with an abusive addict and raised a sibling. I went onto to be in horrible relationships and now I have no intention of dating. I don’t trust myself after my abusive ex. I have severe anxiety, OCD, depression, nightmares, and panic attacks for no reason. I’m doing CPT therapy. The first session she yelled, “Stop defending the safer parent!” I was stunned. I had never seen it that way and I’ve been in therapy since I was 20.
I had to take a few breaks from this video and come back to it because it was so accurate to my own father that I started to see myself break down. I'm glad you pointed this out, I've booked my first appointment for therapy in a few weeks and I can't wait to start undoing all the trauma that I've had inflicted onto me from my toxic parent. Gave me a few things to talk about with my new therapist!
I like this version with the explanations, since the conversation just sounds normal to me lol 😂
Watching this brought me to tears, thank you for sharing this
Thanks Patrick, this video is my mother to a T. I remember feeling so physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally exhausted and drained after a bashing like this. But I thought it was normal and this is what happens when you're a "bad child" and how all children get treated at home. That normalizing made me fall into a relationship and marriage with a toxic malignant narcissistic man and now we're divorced and coparenting with very tight boundaries. But I still stirggled with codependency long after the divorce and only the past few months, now 40, realized that this was all due to my childhood abuse and narcissism. So recently I've cut off my mother (and complicit father) and focusing on working on myself and making sure I don't parent my young daughter the same way I was.
I loved the companion video's portrayal of a healthy parent. It showed that the same topics can be discussed (hey, I saw you're getting therapy on my bill, if you need a job i'd love to have you come work for me, mom's problems, etc). It's kinda grounding in a way because like, I would have expected that not bringing up that he knows his daughter is in therapy because of the bill would have been the healthy interaction but I see in your modeling how that isn't necessarily the case and that you can communicate that you know a thing for reasons outside your control and you can talk about it, and not make the interaction toxic. Like when she says "I thought that was confidential" the healthy father empathized: "yeah, you would think it would be but because I'm the carrier they include it. I just wanted to call and make sure you're ok." It's almost like "yeah, I agree that I shouldn't have been informed about this but don't worry about it too much because I'm on your side and I support you gladly because I love you.
And my dad and mother both say these things, in all of your videos it’s been such an aha moment that I can finally have clarity when working with my therapist on exact examples, thank you for making content like this, my dad was like this when I finally got a job after years of them telling me I’d never be able too this is so helpful thank you
This scenario applies to me in a husband/wife dynamic… I’ve been “stupid with my life” according to him and that’s why my value is 💩. I hope I can rebuild my self esteem after 32 years of intense gaslighting.
Unfortunately, the same exact situation happened to me. I’ve gotten to the point of taking the verbal beating and disassociating instead of trying to explain or reason. It’s no use.
The malignant narc showing disdain for the mother and the children absorbing that disdain hit home. I didn't understand how misogynistic my father was until his dad died and he treated his mom horrifically. That statement helps me see how it was displayed earlier.
It was hard to see because I thought he was a jerk to everyone, but turns out females got the brunt of it.
I love the critical thinking questions at the end. Really got me thinking 🤔.
What about when a parent uses your intelligence as a way to dismiss you? "Oh come on, you're being too smart!" Is that also narcissism?
Oh my father used to say something similar to me to dismiss my arguments.
When I was around 20 I had been in therapy for a while and had clearer view of his tactics and was more confident. Once I confronted all the bs he was doing to me at the time and I had so many unbeatable arguments he was really in a “corner” so his way out was to say “sure, you have always been good with rhetoric” and left the room with a smirk. Basically he said that my arguments were not valid at all and that I was just great at manipulating facts and reality to make other people (him) miserable.
🤡
I hate that almost instantly, this made me cry. I'm fighting a losing battle in my own head. I've not lived with my parents for years... and they still treat me like I'm a child and put me down, make me feel worthless.. make me out to be someone I'm not. I get made to feel guilty for their problems... because ofc it's my fault that my mums MS got worse.... it's my fault my dad is depressed that I left home after they chose my abusive EX over me... He was amazing to them... and abused me.... I have a heart condition... I've had strokes and also BPD....severe depression, outbursts of anger that turn into me crying... I pace when I think.. I self harm.. I hate myself.. I have battles in my head about the fact cars are my passion.. but you're a GIRL.... So many things :/
I'm fairly sure my mom is a narcissist, and I know my dad grew up being abused and exhibits some narcissistic traits. I just can't *prove* to myself that my mom's a narcissist, and prove to myself I should leave the situation. I tell myself things like, "It's not that bad!", "It was just some words, she doesn't even cuss at anyone!", "It only happened a few times this week!", "She's never beat you!", etc. But she constantly talks crap about others (i.e. in the car, about other drivers), has mood swings of being very generous or very stingy (Sometimes in the samey day), told me I can't move more than 30 min away from home ever (I'm 26?) and told me if I did move, she never taught me how to cook so I'd get "fat as a house eating fast food every night". She tells me "You don't feel ____!", "You have no reason to feel _____!", "You don't have a headache/cold/etc.", "I have a migraine too :( " and lisps a lot while speaking when trying to get her way, to sound like a child (i.e. "Come heow! I need hewp!"). She seems to enjoy my pain sometimes and rubs things in (i.e. "So, you ever hear from that guy again? :))) ") I call her a "misery vulture" when talking to my friends. She told me once while completely calm and not triggered, in total honesty, that she wished she'd never been born so I'd never been born.
Basically I'm asking, is that narcissism? She doesn't fit the normal traits in my mind. I do know she also has autism.
Thanks for your time!
I bet that if the daughter turned into what the father says he wants, and was super rich and successful, he'd feel threatened and cut her down.
This is a mirror of my life. This is literally my father. Same tactics, same words, same manipulation and arrogance…
The difference is my mother just enabled everything and would usually add to the fire. Her tactics were not so obvious but they were extremely hurtful too. She was incredibly jealous of me, sneaky and manipulative. And had also internalized misogyny like no tomorrow.
Do you think you could make a role play with that kind of mother and a daughter?
I’ve watched the role play now twice due to this analysis part 2. The first time was just numbing and this time made me want to eat the frosting I just bought for my Christmas cake, so yah, I have some work to do. (I didn’t eat the frosting. My adult self said, everything will be alright and I am safe 🙂)
Thank you so much for your videos. This video is dead on accurate. This video and your role play of the codependent mother talking to her daughter and defending the father’s verbally-abusive rage-filled outburst at the baby shower are such accurate representations of my father and mother that I was triggered watching them. Thank you so much for validating the observations and insights I have made over the past 18 years when it comes to my parents and my childhood trauma and providing me with additional information and insights. I have worked very hard to get out from under my father’s control and establish healthy boundaries despite my mother still being married to him and enabling his abusive behavior. My relationship with my dad has been much less upsetting and more enjoyable since I lost all hope that his behavior would change or that we could have the kind of close, healthy, respectful relationship and unconditional love that I always wanted from him. Now during the few times I visit him, I just try to enjoy what we have (a superficial relationship) and maintain boundaries and walk away if any drama, belittling, or control tactics emerge. I’ve realized that my father’s controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive behavior and alcoholism stem from a life-long profound depression/anxiety and probably inter-generational trauma that he refuses to acknowledge or address because his family/society taught him that “real men” don’t get depressed (or apologize, show “weakness”, etc.). Seeing things for what they really are has helped me tremendously in my recovery.
I have been friends with a strong narcissist for 27 years (starting at age 6) until we recently parted ways. As small kids we used to be best friends but the older we got, the bigger the differences between us became. Especially over the last years his pathological behavior became worse and worse. I couldn't stand it anymore and I was already aware of his narcism but the degree to which he was delusional and manipulative only became clear to me after we broke off contact. Which also happened in a typical way: I was already fed up with him, I wouldn't return phone calls or say 'yes' to every time he wanted to meet up (just to talk about himself all the time and how great he is, without asking me how I was a single time). But in the end he left me another rude and toxic message because a narcissist won't be left, he will leave _you_ . He stuck around as long as I was of use for him, especially during the time I had a car and he didn't. It's so ridiculous looking back at it...
god this is hard to watch, and yet I feel like I need to watch it at least once a day.
this analysis is brilliant, Patrick...absolutely brilliant!! Thank you!
My parents were far worse than this example.
My mother tried to cancel my health insurance, knowing I was on chemo.
That's one of the most Evil things I've ever Heard. Hope you're fully recovered now.
Amazing video! This is so accurate to me and my dad’s relationship. I was laughing at how accurate it was and then it slowly turned to tears… well now I know!
Once again so helpful! I was always terrified of getting in trouble and that stayed with me as an adult and has kept me stuck and abused.
I realized while watching this that my mother’s contempt and bad treatment of my father (abuse) also shaped my feelings towards the opposite sex. While my mother is the one with NPD, my father always had a chip on his shoulder about women. I always thought that was why I had contempt towards men (besides the rampant toxic masculinity our culture loves and nourishes so much). I now realize my mother’s abuse towards my father also contributed. Even though she would defend men’s abusive actions (classic, “well, what was she wearing” logic), she also showed much annoyance and contempt toward my father for any little thing he did.
No matter how much I’ve learned about all this, I always learn new insight when I watch your channel. Much thanks to you. 💕
Thank you so much! I'm going through the process of healing from this kind of relationship with my dad and this video gave me some perspective. Also made me feel better that this is an actual thing and many people experience this kind of abuse. Luckily I was able to move in with my mom and out of my father's house. Getting away from that enviornment was the reason I began healing. Thank you so much again!! New sub :D