Narcissistic Mother - Flying Monkeys - "Agents" Role Play
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 พ.ค. 2024
- Hello!
Here is my take on having flying monkeys or agents in the family system. What is difficult to process and wrestle with is the sibling relationship such as in this video. The toxic narcissistic parent often thrives on splitting natural bonds between siblings and other parents. While the video is primarily about empowerment it's also important to note any grief about those lost family members who became agents if that is applicable to your story.
The inner child trauma work that I do aims to address: problems of identity, toxic parents, narcissistic recovery, depression, anxiety, self-sabotage, grief about childhood and family, abandonment, scapegoating, empowerment, assertion, reclaiming voice, C-PTSD, intimacy problems, healing, triggers, low self-esteem, coping mechanisms etc.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
4:41 Role Play - "Agents" - Begin
9:38 Role Play - Healthy Family - Begin
12:58 Role Play - Empowered Daughter - Begin
16:27 Recap
18:16 Final Thoughts
18:39 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
Can we all just applaud this man for flawlessly being literally every character in his videos 😭🤣 he gets everyone so right everytime. it really helps me to see my family dynamics from the outside!
Right and the timing is so aligned...like no gaps in the convo... how does he do that? Cuz you know he has to film 1 side at a time
Seriously...it is wonderfully helpful! 🙌🏽
totally agree. it's so hard to watch, because he clearly shows the truth of the situation, but also it is extremely empowering. Patrick is an amazing human being.
He's an amazing actor.
Absolutely!
The best thing is hearing the healthy parent take responsibility / accountability. Every time I hear it, it's calming/ healing.
It would be nice. Never heard it before listening to this video.
Same feelings.
Yep
The narcissistic parent literally teaches the " flying monkeys" to abuse whoever the target of the family. I was the scapegoat all my life- still am- and they will literally report you for crimes you never committed to substantiate their smear campaign. It's so sick. I have to go to the police to report my family for harassment this weekend.
I'm so sorry. Hugs from an internet stranger, and may No Contact protect you.
This was tough. My sister and my dad were flying monkeys for my mom and feeling ganged up on made me incredibly depressed and angry. As a young child I would just rage and I was pegged as someone who was "crazy" and "destructive" when really I was tired of the witch hunts and just wanted someone to stand up for me. In my young mind I was protecting myself by trying to be as big as I could to scare them into respecting me and leaving me alone but it never worked. The flying monkeys, in my opinion hurt worse than the narcissist. They pretend to love you but really they're puppets for the abuser, just so they don't get hurt themselves. The role plays help a lot. Thank you.
Basically you were having a normal and natural reaction to extreme abuse. I experienced the same thing. Let go of all of those fake and toxic people. You deserve peace, happiness, and prosperity. No one in their right mind wants to live their life in that terrible predicament. Move to a different city and change your name if you have. Stay strong and you will heal and please get the help that you need. An increasing number of people are sick in the head. Much love and best wishes
You expressed this well!! I have a hard time putting to words, all the fear anger abandonment feelings without looking and sounding crazy. Thank you. Peace🌠
@@leemartin9156 Yes. You are not alone. I can gurantee you that. Take one step at a time and things will eventually progress to bigger milestones. I remeber being a hot mess and not even thinking that my life will change for the better. All things are possible with the Most High. You can do this! You deserve to be happy! Much luv and best wishes. 😊
@@leemartin9156 You're not crazy. Abuse is literally pschological torture. Our brains and body were created for love and nurturing. Abuse is against what is natural and so our bodies under abusive circumstances attempt to internalize trauma which makes us sick. Because again, we were not built for such treatment. You are very strong mentally. You're a fighter. Give yourself credit. You will heal from this.
@@jasminethompson7994 Thank you. On top of Narc issues I also have health issues stemming from unresolved work injuries, and neighbor destroying my home and stealing stuff when I'd leave the house- which adds to the hopelessness.
Thank you for doing multiple versions so we can see what healthy looks like!
Yes! So validating. The healthy role plays move me to tears sometimes ❤️
I agree about the multiple versions. It is so helpful to see what a healthy interaction looks like.
Agreed.
So true! Coming from a narc family we have no idea what healthy looks like.
Excellent example! You illustrated my dysfunctional family. I am the scapegoat so guilt and shame were always used to control me. I was surrounded by toxic people. I went no contact to save my mental health!
Thank you for sharing!
Wishing you a life of peace, love, joy, & confidence
Thank you for sharing!I'm the family scapegoat too. Currently watching because I'm on an emotional rollercoaster since going NC with my Covert Narc mom, covert narc/GC sister, and enabler father.
@@anastasiagialalidis286 yup... narc mom, sister, enabler father... all she does is triangulate our relationships. It's sad bc I've actually seen them go through the healthy phase that he role played here but every time she just sinks her teeth and claws in deeper. Ive just started the process of setting boundaries and limiting contact.
Unfortunately, I have a little girl, so of course they use her to continue the trauma bonds and prevent me from going full no contact. I also have droves of cousins and aunts who are flying monkeys. It's quite a nightmare but I have awesome therapists Ive been working with for years now. Still hurts like he11 tho.
Salute 🖤
I have had this suggested to me from 2 seperate psychs
Both saying similar things, something to the effect of:
It’s not something that is often suggested and certainly isn’t my go to but sometimes it is better for someone’s mental health and overall stability if they go no contact if possible. Have you thought about this before ?
I haven’t been able to do it, messy situation but short summery why I i don’t think it would benifit me, (advice/suggestion was 8 or so years ago) mum took me to mediation and if I didn’t agree to it, we would end up in court and she told me she, it’s better for me to just agree because she has more money then me. She basically got me to agree legally because verbally wasn’t enough as her visitation with my son would depend on how her and I are getting along, so she would prob need to be a bit nicer to me for me to want to come around with my son for her to visit his grandmother. So anyway she has every Thursday 4-8pm and Friday 4pm through Saturday 4pm.
So because of this I keep contact for the sanity of my son, I don’t want to do the whole needing to have a third party to do pick up and drop offs and the communication needed between us because of the custody agreement, I feel I have to make the sacrifice and see her I keep the convo surface level, I remember to give her the occasional ego stroke tell her her hair looks good or her house is extra clean or smells nice, it’s painful but I feel I make the relatively small sacrifice for the long term of my sons mental health.
Arghh and I know it’s a bit over 24 hours a week but still, I really didn’t like the way I was raised and what I went through as a child with mums (undiagnosed NPD and google self diagnosing BPD) mental health; drinking and blackouts.
She is a different grandmother then she was mother, I will give her that (I’m mindful not to get resentful because my wounded child can get jealous from time to time) she has more time for the little things with my son, like going to the park and gardening, just the stuff I missed out on because my mum was unwell when I was growing up.
Okay sorry for going on, but arghhh I wish I had listened and tried no contact 8 or so years ago when my son was 1, who knows but she prob still would have taken me to court so she could see my son but not have it depend on the status of the relationship between her and I.
So how is it anyway ? The no contact thing ?
I too. Had to leave my family in physicality if not in🥴 my mind!
BRILLIANT! I just sent it to my "golden child" brother. his reply was "Well that's 20 minutes of my life I won't get back. Don't need anymore. If that's your things, then I'm happy for you." He will never get it.... this role play said it all..... I feel so much better now.
🤣Good for you!
@@pisceananarchyvortex7223 thankyou. Closure.
I am sure he doesn't want to get it. It's so sad, but most dysfunctional people don't want to change.
Seems like he is going gray rock with you.
@@Joelswinger34 thankyou xx
Whoo hoo, I love when the empowered daughter says "Stop! I'm leaving this conversation." Standing up for yourself is so difficult when you've been beaten down for years. I also love the dad apologizing to his kids! And sincere love you's are the best and so important!
The healthy family one almost made me cry. I know we all yearn to have someone actually listen and understand us. It would be incredible to have that connection with someone from my family.
Thank you God for my paternal Grandmother.......I got to experience real love and emotional maturity from a relative for a few wonderful years....(also my paternal Grandfather was a good man). The rest of my "family" were a brood of phony acting vipers.
The healthy version seems almost mythical. I can't imagine a reality where that kind of conversation could be real.
Mr Teahan, you are changing so many lives. And you're providing this to us for free. You're really a hero, thank you. As an American, this feels like my only chance to get affordable healthcare.
I'm literally SCREAMING. I swear I have literally had this conversation with my family except it was over a FOLLOW UP and not even a biopsy.
Also seeing it play out in different ways is extremely helpful. I wish this video existed years ago.
Them: I picked up my socks and I expect you to throw me a party!
You: I got a master's in physics and they can't make it to the graduation
That's so the family I grew up in. My mother pretended for decades to have a heart problem. She doesn't. She threw tantrums, locked herself into her room, triangulating family members, turning them into flying monkeys. I'm the only one, who got away and even then, she somehow got me to come, because she was dying. I was flying in with my two babies from another continent, only to be drawn into her drama. When my husband joined us as soon as he could, she was all better. My sisters are still orbiting her. Sad.
I just hope as a whole i don't fuck up a child for years to come. I have depression and hope i dont fuck nobody up like that
@@wonderfulj5093 I healed and raised two healthy children in a functional family. They are achieving happiness in committed relationships and successful careers. If I can do it, so can you.
@@wonderfulj5093 I've chosen not to have kids, in part because I know I would almost certainly have that effect on them. I have enough trouble taking care of myself and controlling my emotions and responses as it is. It would be naive at this point in my life (I'm 36) to assume I could just force myself to change through an act of will enough to be a suitable parent.
Incidentally, I relate well to kids, but I know a big part of that is due to my own immaturity lol. All the more reason to NOT have my own (which is ironic, since many people mistakenly think that means you SHOULD become a parent).
Anyway, your situation might be different. I think it's good you're thinking ahead like that and being realistic about your limitations, whatever you end up deciding.
@@sosaysthelegend how could i tell if im mature or not im 17
@@wonderfulj5093 You have a lot more self-awareness than I did at 17.
I think it's pretty difficult to know at your age whether or not you'd make a suitable parent or not in the future. I really don't think anyone needs to have kids prior to 30 or so, so following that guideline you would have at least 13 years to figure it out.
Getting a good therapist and working through your issues as much as possible is probably the best way to gain that kind of self-knowledge, I think. And just paying attention to how you behave in a variety of settings over the course of your life.
Depression is one thing. It's at least treatable potentially. Certain personality pathology (like Cluster B disorders) is much more intractable. For instance, someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder has NO business having kids... period. Borderline can be treated sufficiently to significantly restore functioning, but a diagnosis of BPD should still give someone pause as to whether or not they really should have children imo.
So... idk, there's no simple answer to any of this. I'm not a professional, so I'm just speaking here based on research I've done and my own life experience and observations of others.
The Empowered Daughter part made me feel empowered too - I was like "YES. TELL THEM." :)
Funny how it works, when I realized I've morphed into that because of limiting contact- I'm now considered "aggressive" and "hateful".
@@skepchica Truth is hate to those who hate the Truth. There are two sides to every story: The narc's version and the TRUTH.
@@reesedaniel5835 I'm at the point where I'm over it. I wasn't familiar with the term "gray rock" but when I'd finally had enough that's exactly what I did. I was wearing myself out trying to be a right fighter. I just got to a point where I was so emotionally drained it was "believe whatever you feel like"- and it was immediately such a huge heal. I was hoovered, the anger, the crying, the attempted smear campaigns. When you finally get outside of the situation and can look in- they're absolutely pathetic.
This was so true, I couldn’t even sit through the whole video. I had to come back. These people are nutz. My family is in denial and toxic, nobody gets it.
I know the feeling! (Thankfully my sister is finally starting to see it... but I'm still not certain she will do anything; maybe when she gets a little older.)
Oh that is the worst. When they are covert and hiding the toxicity behind care and worry.
@@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii Well said.
We do xx
@@moniques1377 The feelings are what this is designed to do. Make you reactive with negative feelings, so they can feed of you.
Be mindful of "YOU" statements.
Wow...reminded me of something that happened years ago with my Grandma. She was having surgery for breast cancer. My mom took her to the hospital and was with her until she went in, then Mom went to work, because it would be a while, and my uncle stayed in the waiting room, cause he didn't have to work that day. My uncle was mad Mom didn't stay. He called her later at work and was raving about how the surgery didn't take as long as planned, it must have been so bad they couldn't do anything and they just closed her up! My mom was so distraught she threw up at work. Then later we find out my uncle just assumed she was so bad they closed her up....actually it went BETTER than planned. He just came up with that horror story to make Mom feel guilty for not being there.
wow that is so very sad that grown "adults" do things like that.
Oh my god. That's awful.
Omg. Reminds me of the time my mom got in a car accident and seriously injured. I wasn't even there at the accident, but my brother blamed me because he said if I was adult enough to babysit my own kids (mom had come to my house for a visit, she enjoyed spending time with her grandkids). He went on and on and on in the hospital waiting room while she was going through a roughly 12 hour surgery. He kept it up so much I had a mental break, threw up, etc and had to leave the hospital. He was also blaming my sister, even though my sister had nothing to do with anything. So we both left the hospital. As we were getting in our cars, my brother came storming out and got in his car and left. So my sister and I waited until we were sure he was gone, then returned to the waiting room.
I wish you were my therapist
He IS our therapist!
He may be available for Skype therapy sessions. Reach out.
That healthy family talk is what I’ve been after my whole life. It never came
To be honest, these examples have helped me see that my own family isn't that bad. That's valuable.
Funny I'm actually wondering who has been telling this guy all about my family and even wrote a play for him to follow along in how they are 🤣 word for word even.... Is this the tru man show or sum 🌅😂
@@tofferarvid6589 They're all the same. I don't get how, but they are. It's incredible.
Even if your family isn't as toxic as the examples, its okay to still have negative feelings about your childhood or family.
@@ptanyuh Because it's GENEtic....see GENEsis 3:15 and Psalm 58:3-5. They are intra-species predators.
This is so on target! I know someone just like that mother who exaggerates minor medical issues and uses imaginary illnesses to control everyone. Firing doctors who won't give her the dx and Rx she wants. Creating drama at the doctor's office and pretending to faint or be unable to walk after getting a routine injection. Carrying around a big bag of prescription bottles and pulling them out in public as she melodramatically takes her scheduled doses when the alarm on her phone goes off. But don't you ever get sick, because whatever illness you might have, hers is a million times worse. In fact, hers is so bad that her doctor got her case published in a medical journal and now Netflix is making a movie about it.
Yes, my sibling does that. They are called narcissistic hypochondriacs. The trouble is worse when they actually do have medical issues and the total confusion that ensues about whether to believe them or how to handle their constant need for attention. Try distinguishing between narcissistic amnesia & helplessness versus brain damage from stroke when the person acts the same before and after the stroke. It’s a nightmare when doctors don’t understand and you aren’t sure whether to believe them. 😭
@@free2beme773 I'm sorry you have one in the family. That makes it a lot harder to walk away, but sometimes that's what we have to do to save ourselves. I got so tired of hearing neverending sagas about trivial problems and having to cancel trips, birthdays, etc. to accommodate their neverending need for attention. Plus, it was embarrassing to go anywhere because of the theatrics. Faking syncope, pretending to be a diabetic to get faster restaurant service, screaming like a woman in the throes of labor while getting a shot, pretending to have impaired vision to avoid responsibility...constant health crises that magically go away once a year when they go on vacation. Then, suddenly, they have unlimited energy and strength.
@@cloudwalker8266 Wow, almost sounds like we’re talking about the same person - right down to the eye-sight (though partially real, making the demands more complex) and diabetic issues and food service! What a stink around the food issues!!! I get it.
It took me about 2 years, but I have gone almost no contact. I’m still the power of attorney, unfortunately, so I monitor their activities with their full knowledge and legal permission. It’s still agonizing to watch from afar their ridiculous antics and demands on other unsuspecting people, and I debate every day how long before I will tell them I will no longer be responsible for their financial matters. It is so emotionally draining and unproductive. I can’t protect them from themselves, and it hurts me.
@@free2beme773 That's awful. They can make everyone around them nuts.
The one I know doesn't even have diabetes, but pretends to so she can get priority service.
Doesn't have significant vision problems either. When the doctor told her so, she fired him and found another who told her the same thing. But he was nicer about it, so he's not in the doghouse. Yet.
@@cloudwalker8266 Yes, my sibling switches doctors constantly. She wanted me involved and I was trying to keep up with it so I could legally talk to them about their conditions and pay their bills. But, during the last switch, my sibling told the doctor not to talk to me during her visit, even though my sibling told me they would sign the forms to allow it (and my sibling has signed legal forms making me their healthcare agent). This caused the doctor's office to think was I was doing something wrong when I called to ask about the bill!
Right then I told my sibling I was done with redoing paperwork and if a medical bill came to them, they would have to pay it on their own. I was not going to do it for them online or otherwise. I am not getting into legal hassles or taking my time to help them when they sabotage everything I try to do for them at their request and talk badly about me to everyone and tell lies about what I've done or am doing! I've determined that my sibling is very malicious.
My neighbor warned me. He has worked with all kinds of people like my sibling. But, I didn't realize how dangerous it was until last summer when my sibling started claiming absurd things about my child, saying they harmed my mother. My mother was livid about the lies and even gave me a witnessed statement saying she denies my sibling's accusations so that authorities wouldn't believe my sibling if they ever told the lies to others.
That's when I cut off most communication with them. It's just not safe to be in contact. I only allow them to email me now so there is written verification of any communication between us. And, I limit the words strictly to the finances and make the questions and answers as short as I can possibly make them - yes/no answers. I do not allow my sibling to know anything about my life or let them contact me outside of the emails. They argued about that, but I held firm and now will simply not reply.
its difficult to acknowledge that for years I was so blind, that I was a flying monkey... I am really struggling with my identity now, because who am I if I'm not that persons puppet anymore?
You are your own person now and free to make your own decisions. Contact the persons you gaslighted on behalf of the „witch“ and engage with them on a healthy and reality-based level. This will be a healing experience for all of you.
I think one of the sadder things about this whole scenario is, needing a biopsy is genuinely alarming.
In a healthy family, she would not be throwing tantrums and making demands and high drama statements, and her family would have the emotional bandwidth to be concerned and supportive,
instead of exhausted, angry and needing to get away from her.
Oh man... so both of my parents have been "the mother" in this skit and they triangulated my brother against me and one another to such an extent that he has severe mental health issues now. He has depression, paranoia, major trust issues, a hormone imbalance, PTSD and other problems I am probably not even aware of. I was able to wake up earlier and see them for what they are because I am older, but they have completely ruined him. :( Thank you for your content.
hormone imbalance? that's disturbing. I think I have that too... an excess of testosteronal and stress hormones perhaps.
Wishing healing to your brother! All the best on your journey✨
When you did the healthy one and the father apologized, it brought me to tears. ❤❤❤
I had a similar situation a few years ago. The healthy family version made me tear up because I wish I had that. Thanks for the video.
They make me emotional too. You are not alone
Sending ❤️
Made me cry too and think why couldn’t this healthy situation be my reality. It highlight how all we really want is to be treated in a decent manner ❤️
@Magdalena the healthy family version always gets to me too.
I am impressed with your acting in these videos. Role plays tend to be excruciating, not these! Second, there is chilling resemblance to my abusers. I used to think it was a mistake to leave home at 15, broke and without resources. Wow, seeing these videos confirmed I made the right choice. If any girls are suffering abuse, my suggestion is find a feminist relative (mine was an aunt), neighbor or friend (my older sister's friends helped me)- those women gave me the confidence to move out and find a job. I now have a lovely spouse, 2 cats and a Master's Degree! :)
My cousin and I are going through the same thing. It is common for narcs to barely teach their children anything and leave them without help and resources.
@@jasminethompson7994 Yes exactly, alcoholic mom in my case. I was better off in my tiny studio apartment (which I loved). Are you guys ok? 2021 is a tough year to be without resources. 😕
From age 15? So it isn't 'too early' to want to cut off the contact with my mother at age 18??
@@kimberlyceulemans6015 In the US 18 years old is an adult, so not too early at all! But I can't tell you what to do, only you know your circumstances. I can tell you that a teenager on their own is **exactly the kind of person that predators and marketers look for. So be extremely careful. It's also rough financially. I had a good job (tax assistant, then medical records job) by age 13, so I was saving up. And I had survival skills. Anyone being abused needs help from local government and charities to get out for sure!
@@emirosem.sc.597 I am super happy to hear you could handle the situation ^^ In my county 18 is that age as well, but I am far from ready to leave home. My parents are divorced and I now live with my dad. I thought being less with mom would fix the problem and it did at the beginning... I am just thinking about not contacting her again as well as not visiting anymore, and being non-stop at my dads to collect some money for when I am ready to leave the house.
Thank you for your response, i didn't see it that way ^^
The Healthy example and the Empowered example is so important in order for us to recover.
Thank you so much.
"Mom's cancer..." LMAO 🤣 Also, the facial expressions that the 'f monkeys' cycle through deserve an Emmy.
Seeing the example of the healthy family is spot on. I've often remarked about how I had no healthy examples on how things are suppose to be. Due to that, I had nothing to compare to. When my family of origin would go on to attack me for not doing what was most convenient for them, I wasted an extreme amount of time ruminating on whether or not I was being selfish, cruel, or unreasonable like they accused me of being.
I've done the same thing. And I'd talk to friends for advice and it always goes back to the "but they're your family..." conversation.
Same Carol same
Same
All my life.
@@katrinayancey5785 Abel was also Cain's "family".....and guess what Cain did to Abel....
I find this young man very articulate and proficient in his ability to get his point across in an intelligent way.
Brilliant. Thank you so much Patrick. The "healthy family" example is so weird to me! Does that even exist? If so, there is hope! I've been a scapegoat to my dysfunctional family all my life but I've also been a "flying monkey" outside of my family. This video has made me realize that!
Looking back, the healthy family is so foreign from what I grew up with. Thankfully, my narc grandmother, who deployed her flying monkeys against anyone who wasn’t doing or acting as she felt they should, I was usually that victim.
I healthy family is like looking into the lives of genuinely rich people
@@cairosilver2932 Great analogy. Translate as: completely alien and unobtainable 😆
This role play was perfect example of what happens.
The phrase I need to remember is "she doesn't need this level of attention" that helps me so much. Thank you for posting these roll plays. Very much needed.
Thank you so much for these videos. My Dad is a severe narcissist, and when my mother passed away, things got intensely worse. I’ve never married because I can’t choose a guy who treats me well, so I’ve altogether given up on relationships. I can’t shake the negativity under which I was brought up. Thanks again for putting a visual to this madness.
Jeez these toxic siblings are the worst makes me so relieved to be an only child.
In the healthy family when the brother said are you okay, and when the dad joined in and said are you okay WOW! Mind blowing! Thank you Patrick you are extremely helpful 💖
YEah that would never happen in my "Family"......instead I would be accused of being "too sensitive" and "effing insane".....along with being the cause of all their "problems"....
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please don’t ask the siblings of a narcissist to step up. They were probably already abused by their narcissistic sibling and probably a parent or two. They are not responsible for their sibling. Boundaries. I know. I am living through a nightmare that came about from a 63-year old sibling’s health crisis. I had never been close, and honestly can’t remember any good memories with them. But, I didn’t know just how bad our relationship could get because I rarely talked to them from across the country and we were 8 years difference in age. If I had known what narcissism was and how my sibling would demand my total attention and abuse me and gaslight me and even threaten legal action from their fantasy world lies, I could have saved myself two years of hell on earth. Please never push a narcissist onto anyone else. Just do what you need to to be safe, set boundaries, go no contact, or whatever is best for you, and let the narcissist be responsible for their own connections. It’s safer for you if you don’t help them form new supply.
Yes, planets revolving around the sun. I use the example of "the eye of the hurricane" and relate the pathological person being the eye, and everyone else is zooming around 200 miles an hour in total chaos. The pathological person is "normal" or safe while others around them are getting tossed around. They need others to always be in a state of fear and chaos.
That analogy explains why Large leaps and emotional maturity happen after one has removed oneself from the narcissistic family system.
You said it
"Mom's not coming out of the bedroom (and it's because of you)."
Don't know HOW many times I've heard this.
This is my family exactly! My mom did this exact thing during my finals week. And my brother and dad just enable my mom and my other brother who is abusive.
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you find peace
@@siouxmaelstrom4042 thank you! I have supportive friends and I’m trying to get a therapist but channels like this set the bar pretty high. 😊 Watching videos like these and talking to people in the comments has helped me understand how to process things and not to blame myself.
The work and care that goes into these role plays is astounding! You are doing such a great service to people at all stages of recovery
Have you ever met my mom? 😂 This is spot on. She would blame me for everything. The family would blame me for everything. Because I was the oldest, it was always my responsibility to take care of her needs.
Yes, these sub humans think the Scapegoated child is supposed to PARENT THEM instead of the other way around. Utterly enraging! No wonder I had such anger issues growing up!!
Honestly this one is a bit upsetting. I experienced something very similar. When I was a teenager my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer, and needed surgery. She NEVER told us about her cancer. When she came home from surgery, she yelled at me and my brother for not visiting her at the hospital. It was very upsetting, because even though she told us nothing, she still expected us to know everything. It was very confusing for me. I still remember feeling like a bad daughter.
And yes, my mom's has had flying monkeys of her own. In the shape of my aunt, my grandmother and on rare occasions, even my brother. I do wish I had the coping skills when I was a teenager. I'm still trying to figure it out now. Great video Patrick!
Oscar nomination on this one! Fantastic!
I would like videos of setting boundaries for a variety of situations. You do such a great job with these role changes in toxic relationships.
Wow, this hurts so many nerves! So tired of my stepmother making the entire family revolve around her.
As much as I miss my siblings, I don't miss having them gang up against me on behalf of our toxic parents. I hope that one day they can break away from that control. It's been 5 years since I've spoken to any of them.
“She ALWAYS needs an enemy” Lightbulb moment for me!
Man, I can't count the number of times I've wanted my family to just care about me instead of making it all about mom or my sister or brother. My dad is the only one who does. It was so hard to give that up and grieve the loss of the people I wanted but never had. But it's really helped me move past it and not need that from them anymore because I now know not to expect the impossible.
Thank you for saying this. It helped me understand my own past a little more. I also have the experience of chest tightness watching this.
I’m the 7th born out of 8. My mom does a version of this. She tends to do this when one of us kids isn’t agreeing with her or doing what she wants. She then pins us against each other or guilt trips us. Her sickness is too much… I have always had a deep desire for a basic honest and sincere conversation with her. Even when we are getting along, the sincerity is just never there. Sucks the energy right out of me.
Thank you for this video.
I can so relate. I am the Outcast of The Toxic Family System, and I recently did a Cut Off.
Best decision ever. I am at Peace.
God bless you, Patrick!
I cried when the Healthy Dad apologized to his daughter and acknowledged that it wasn't her fault and she shouldn't have been made to deal with all that. As the scapegoat of the family, I always wished somebody said that to me.
Your content is on fire lately! Thank you for addressing this so well.
I’m so proud of the empowered daughter.
Yes!!
I'm so glad you mentioned John Bradshaw. I used to watch his television series in the 1980's in which he used that giant mobile.
Wow! Seeing the healthy family brought me to tears. Out of nowhere I just started bawling. Thank you for letting me see that.
This is my reaction on every one of these videos from this series, when the healthy family part comes on.
I do love the role-plays you’ve created. I can so clearly see many of my interactions with my multiple narcissists in my family. I wish everyone could go through role-plays with their families and work on these issues. Of course, none of my family will consent to therapy let alone role-plays. But, if I had seen these videos decades ago, I’d be in a much healthier place. Thanks for putting these out here.
I love how you acknowledge that the mom just needs an enemy and that's all she is looking for. I realized this not too long ago and it has been freeing ever since.
“All day daytime soap opera” could be the tag line for my childhood
In the unhealthy representation the protagonist always stays very nice, when in reality if someone gaslights you like this and accuses you of horrible things you don’t stay that calm. You often get defensive which makes the other person attack more and it spirals. I think it would be really helpful to see different reactions from the protagonist from time to time to not only see the other family members from the outside but also yourself.
Patrick, I thank you for these role plays. It's strange because both my sisters are flying monkeys. What's interesting is that they both are studying for MSW and use the things they learn in class to shame me further when I don't do what they want or when one of the toxic parents tells them something about me. I've heard them say out of their mouths how "toxic" our parents are, but they still engage in this type of behavior. It's really mind-boggling that people can be in mental health and still do these types of things.
Most recently, I told my sister that she can't try to play therapist with me because I don't welcome it and because she's not qualified. Her reply was "I literally went to school for this." I went on to tell her that she does not have a degree, objectivity from the situation and again is not qualified. When I told her that her calling me about a situation that did not involve her AFTER I had already blocked her was crossing my boundaries. I told her that her questioning my mental health was crossing a line also. She only said "I'm your sister. If I can't then who." I reminded her that I don't have a "sister to sister" relationship with her and she kept going. It was so frustrating to have my NC boundary violated, to be accused of being mentally ill and talked down to by someone who openly engages in gossip, shaming and ridicule.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your sister sounds like she's projecting. Are you able to go grey rock with her? Telling someone they are mentally ill sounds like gaslighting in it's most dangerous form. I suggest not trying to convince her your not mentally ill. Her comments are incendiary and don't deserve a response.
I used to take buy into the saying that sometimes others can see us clearer than we can see ourselves. I have found that to be an excuse to control the behavior of others. I'm not saying sometimes people have valid feedback. But, we have the right to do what we want with that feedback. I have found that the people that I respect the most and treat me with respect have given me feedback that is usually positive for the most part and never attacking my character. I am learning to no longer trust those that want me to behave a certain way or do what is in their best interest. I have to trust myself more than others, even if it means sometimes failing and making mistakes..
Do your self a favor and stop engaging with your sister when she starts attacking your character. Some who is truly interested in the mental health field would not be so irresponsible to just call someone mentally ill. And, if you already haven't, please watch the old movie Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman. It provides good examples of the tactics people use to make someone else feel like they're going crazy.
@@goldieh7121 thank you for your encouragement. I’ve seen the movie and have really thought thoroughly through what gaslighting is. It’s common among my family members. So is triangulation. So is “flipping the script”. I have limited interaction with them. It’s just this time, she go to me after she was blocked. She wasn’t even focus on what she said she texted me for. She was more concerned about why she was blocked. Her and I have never had a good relationship. I told her that I did not want to establish one but she kept saying I was mentally ill for stating my true feelings.
Im so thankful for Patrick, and Dr Ramani and Dr Todd Grande for helping me keep my reality and truth about who I am.
@@khandizrhene I know, they all do such valuable work. You sound like you have such a great handle on it. I wish I had the internet and the resources when I was in the midst of so much emotional abuse with my ex. Eight years ago I learned about gaslighting when I googled if my ex's behavior was normal. Back then the term was not as popular as it is now, now the term gaslighting is everywhere. Take care and stay strong 😊
@@goldieh7121 You too! Thanks again
My Sister's a nurse, she writes online articles about patients literally on their death beds and complains how "cranky" they are. Her bosses are apparently fine with this, as "instruction" for nurses on how to handle a difficult patient. 🤦🏻♀️ Once I refused to engage with her, I think she amped up the verbal abuse of others. She keeps trying to guilt me into visiting our alcoholic mom and engaging in their drama. I basically told her unless she plans on arresting me there's no way I'm going over there! LOL!
The healthy version brings tears in my eyes. What a paradise of a connection this is, but truly, I feel it is not possible to have this scenario when one parent is Narcissistic. Something has to give, as the SUN is the most powerful and usually all members are toxic in a different role and defense mechanisms. ... I could not even imagine, in my wildest imagination the scenario of the healthy conversation and it makes me so sad of what I lost. After years of therapy, I am the one who is now the " excluded", and I certainly don't mind it.
The 10 hour drive is intentional I bet! This is so accurate…the guilt and blame. I have to remember the empowered language.
I live for these role plays . Is it weird that the “healthy communication” ones make me cry? Thanks Patrick!!
I definitely have the empowered role in my family. It’s a constant struggle to not get hoovered into the drama and dysfunction of my family members. And I love seeing the healthy family roles! I’ve been trying to emulate that for my kids and I’m so glad to see I’m on the right track. 🤗
I believe that both of my elderly parents are communalnarcissists. My dad manipulates my mom and my mom will then try to manipulate my brother and I, but it's more insidious and passive aggressive. She manipulates us and the extended family with concern trolling, that she is only trying to be helpful, so she is not seen as the toxic one. She'll say things like they're used to spending time alone on holidays, it's okay. But we have often invited them to spend the holidays with our spouse's family.
My brother and I have gotten used to not letting my mom stir up drama with her concern trolling about us, that is usually what ends up hurting her feelings.
I shared with my brother a while back about my frustration with my mom's manipulations and I shared with my brother and my mom how my dad emotionally abused me when I was younger. My brother is older and he didn't experience what I experienced They both listened at the time, but now they are always talking about how great we had it as children and reminiscing. My brother talks about shows with families that accept the faults and past transgressions of each other and stick together. I'm not complaining about the past now, so he doesn't have to stop me from that. But it triggers me because I don't feel that way. I'm trying to accept that I can't change the past, we had some good times and I was cared for in the traditional sense. Our family seemed functional on the outside and even to my brother, but I was always confused with how they treated me and seemed more concerned with how things looked than how I felt. Things seem okay now, my parents seem to be accepting my boundaries, but I can't change how I feel about the emotional abuse if the past, I can't accept that it was normal and it was all good.
Thank you for being so honest. Just wanted to encourage you..your feelings about the past are valid and logical. One poem I read said "Don't look for healing at the feet of those who hurt you"...dont waste energy trying to get abusers to understand the impact on you..they are too imprisoned by their own pain.
@@catherinesinclair7727 Thank you! That was very helpful 💕
@@goldieh7121 You're welcome. Wishing you all the best ❤
The role play is my actual life. The toxic part. Going to take efforts to stick to my convictions and not fall for the guilt tripping. Thank you 🙏
Much love and support ❤
I just split from my mom (previously did with my dad) and it's freedom now.
I feel like I am on the other side of an invisible curtain. They can say and do whatever they want, but when I try to say anything, I get shut down. Too stupid, can't, shouldn't, don't. They could hurt me physically, mentally and emotionally, but that curtain kept me from being able to fight back. Feel invisible when need help. Knowing adults knew yet did nothing, just added that invisibility as a child. Peace to all suffering from these evil monsters.
I wish there was a "love" button for this!
It is truly a hard situation when your mother gets “priblems” everybtime when your life starts to go on nicely. If I am happy my mother is unhappy and gets all kind of things. And I am the “bad child” who does not care. That is part of the game.
I
I’ve dealt with a mom like this and so grateful for my aunt who’s healthy.
My flying monkey aunt showed up after my dad died. She flew in to take over! Thank the Lord for my faith over the fear. He is my provider. Now flying monkey is spying for mom over nothing! I have a disease and vertigo and can’t drive or travel long distances in this condition, my granddaughter lives across town so my son picks me up and takes me over there. So she reports to my mon in Facebook that I can see my baby girl but not drive 200 miles to see my mom. What a crime I have committed! How evil is my aunt, in my moms last years of life trying to cause trouble in an already insane relationship with my grandiose Narc mom!
I'm in tears. My brother acts exactly the same, and we had a same case of a health diagnosis I wasn't told about concerning my narcissistic mother... and I was blamed not to be told. When I was a teenager, I suffered from anorexia, and he once told me very threateningly that I should stop this right now because I was 'hurting mom so bad'. Nonsense. It feels like a trap. My father acts more and more like my mother as if he wanted to be the good student and be at peace with her. Thank you for these eye-opening videos, they are precious. Plus they are so well edited, it's a brilliant job! :o
Thank you for your content. It's incredibly educational and validating to see so many exampled of healthy and toxic families. Not even my several therapists have been this useful or understanding of toxic family dynamics. Thank you so much!!!
It felt so strange and sad at the same time to see you describe the daughter in the last example "empowered", because I was like her, but I was called very different things.
I was too eloquent, too rational, too articulate for my sake. Too ruthless, too selfish, too disrespectful, too analytical, too stubborn, too idealistic. If I use words like guilt, shame, manipulative, toxic, I would get comments like "ya ya okay you're so smart". Apparently my family also doesn't mean everything they say and I'm supposed to know what is real and what it not. I'm supposed to read between the lines. Apparently I'm supposed to take hints.
Wow, that second scenario where everyone was so supportive and understanding of eachother... I can only imagine that.
@kbail I'd call them all out on it....to their hypocritical FACES. ☺😆
This is exactly what my momma does with my younger sister and my daddy. Whenever I don’t do what my momma wants, whether it is to talk to her about what is bothering me when I need space, to stay when I want to leave to avoid a fight, or even just not agreeing with her politically my younger sister always jumps to her defense yelling things like “don’t you talk to momma like that” and when it gets to the point that I am about to get physical with my younger sister, my daddy jumps in and I usually end up in a physical confrontation with my daddy because by that point I am in fight or flight mode and simply touching me set me off. Once my younger sister even called the police on me, and momma and daddy had to bail me out when I was the one that ended up with a bruise on my cheek. I’m not even really sure where the bruise came from. If my daddy hit me in our physical altercation or if I hit my face on the couch while in the floor with daddy on top of me trying to restrain me. Now I have no relationship with my younger sister. She blocked me and I decided that I wasn’t going to be the one to reach out. She has my contact info, and I don’t want her having anything to do with me or my children until she is ready to reach out to me away from the family, so that she and I can work thing out on our own with no one else to get in the way.
This is _so_ legit. Spoken or unspoken, those are the messages spewing out from the flying monkeys. And wow, amazing scenarios for all three -- validating to hear the guilt tripping, heartwarming to hear the healthy dialogue and expressed love, and truly empowering to hear the scapegoated child standing up with patience but awesome boundaries. Thank you, Dr. Teahan ❤️
When the healthy family thing started the hair rose on my arms and I had shivers of recognition. This healthy thing NEVER happened in my family. I just went through the worst this could be, Dad died years ago, Mom died last week and my narcissistic and malicious narcissistic siblings were running the show for the relatives. I did not even go to the service because it would be so toxic for me. They even texted me she had died instead of a phone call and took everything out of the house while I had no clue.
I am rather glad to be an Orphan at this point. Much safer to just not be around them at all. I am 65, a truth teller, scapegoat, empath. LOL. I got it all.
You Nailed it with this one. Now I will finish watching this.
The healthy family concept just blows me away sometimes.
I literally almost cried when the dad apologizes for not protecting them as kids. That one got me good. I'll never get that apology.
Ngl i had to watch this piecemeal because growing up i was so vulnerable to shame being leveraged against me. But this was so well done im so glad i stuck it out to the end. You are such a gift Patrick. Dont ever forget it.
These roleplays are VERY helpful. And it really brings to light that what we actually go through is NOT NORMAL. I'm also glad you show us the empowered version so it helps to know how to handle these things.
I am in conversations like this often like the empowered daughter model and my family calls me a know it all and insufferable for it and this really validates me in these situations and that helped me a lot
Yeah I was told by my cowardly, enabling father that I was "too smart for my own good"....🙄😏
the opening 'you would care if you were the one going through surgery' bit. My dad tries to do this directly. He needs an eyelift for medical reasons. His eyelids droop so much they are obscuring his vision and it's become dangerous for him to function as he cannot see properly. It's a very simple procedure. But he's freaking out that 'it's not your eyes, so you can't say that'. Meanwhile I'm planning to undergo foot surgery with not a single complaint and he most certainly does not care about it (he's barely even aware of it, meanwhile I have to keep up to date on everything he's having done and act as a secretary and caretaker) and will likely not assist me after. In fact, I expect he'll complain about the chores not getting done while I'm keeping the foot rested as directed since all the chores are my job.
And screaming about doctors never knowing anything. omg yes... and I've become his advocate. Admittedly some doctors are bad at their jobs, especially on complicated cases of multiple failing systems and personality disorder, but that just emboldens him to accuse all of them. Except to their face. He'll be sweet as pie and it's my job to be the 'bad guy' to the bad doctors while he acts shocked.
I appreciate the amount of work you put on this channel, to raise awareness and to cause a change in so many disfunctional families on this planet. Thank you!
If I could have seen this 40 years ago…So great full to you, Patrick. You truly elevated my healing to an (unexpectedly) next level. 🙏
Me too
Watching the healthy family handle the narcissistic mother was truly painful. I can't imagine that kind of support and sanity. It only makes the insanity of my family more apparent. I kept wanting the daughter to tell them all to f-off.
Family is sacred... I heard that sooo many times!!
This just confirms my understanding of how toxic my family/mother is. Once, she reprimanded me at a family dinner about a procedure she never even told me about to make it seem like I didn’t care about her issues. My sister always ganged up on me with her in her lies, but my sister didn’t know she was lying. Now my sister knows how much she lies and punishes us for having boundaries. It’s a mess. Thank God for the 1000 miles between us.
I lived this... I disassembled the flying monkeys one by one. Then she had to deal with herself. Rather than grow she changed the game. I had to go low contact for my mental health.
This happened to me when I was like 18, had an assignment I needed to finish, mom got a cold and wanted to go to a clinic(?)(im not sure what you guys call it but we call it a clinic here). She wanted dad to bring her there even though she could’ve went there on her own and then demanded me to accompany her. When I told her no she blew up on me, crying and yelling that I was selfish and my dad called me a horrible daughter. I went with them but I’ll never forget or forgive how they treated me for not going with her, for a common cold
This described my mother. Daddy dearest and two brothers were
her ready and willing minions.
Love these. This is my family. My siblings come at me because it means they aren’t in the crosshairs anymore. I always describe my family as a wagon wheel without the outer ring. Moms in the middle and everyone else is a spoke and no one can get to the others except through her
Patrick's multitalented: therapy and acting!
The tragic part of a "healthy family" reenactment is when the dad says that he should have separated to protect the sons. By doing that he might remove the last protection the kids have. During the shared custody time, the kids would be alone with their mom and have the trauma of a family break up. Mom would get worse as a result of being a single parent. It is an illusion, a concept that therapists push on their patience, sometimes with devastating consequences. If you've had a narcissistic parent thus married and had children with a narcissist, it's a long line of what feels like bad and terrible choices surrounded by pain and darkness. The light is small victories and hope of generational healing.
Misha, to this day I thank my lucky stars AND my poor abused mother for staying with my dad. He was so violent, so abusive, so incredibly destructive to all of us kids, and there were many many times when he would kick mom out of the house, or mom would be so upset and battered black and blue and bleeding with head injuries even that she would RUN out the door and be gone for hours. And dad would say, well, your mama left us (or I made your mama leave, if he threw her out), and I remember the terror of thinking omg who will protect us now? Mom always came back, and even though it was such a shit show that all of us were severely traumatized with both parents together, to this day, me and all my siblings THANK GOD Mom stayed. Without her, God only knows what would have happened to us. She took many beatings trying to protect us the best she could. And I will be forever grateful to her for that. Divorce isn't always the best solution for some families. Especially back when we were little, there were NO shelters my mom could run to, and dad being the bread winner, mom wouldn't stand a chance getting custody of 8 kids with no income.
The problem with the empowered daughter.....when the monekys attack...you can't get one to shut up long enough to get your reasons in for them to understand your position
I love these roleplaying videos. Not only do they show what the Narcissist has been doing but then it shows you what an empowered empath looks like and even how supportive family members are supposed to act. This video gave me the courage to tell my father about my narcissistic mom and his codepency. I'm jus enabling her by not telling my father.
Tell your enabling dad that if he wants to know who rules over him, just realize who it is he is not allowed to criticize.....(that's where the problem lies)....
Urrrrgghhhh that brought up some stuff 😒 the healthy family got me. Thanks for being so descriptive. It stops me from feeling like I'm the crazy one. 🙏
Ohhh goodness!!!!!!!! Dear Patrick, I'm beyond being grateful for this mind-blowing role play...😲
This is exactly my dysfunctional family system and my "radical acceptance" grief has been extremely challenging and painful because of the flying monkeys role in the situation!
Grieving hope and the dream of the second healthy system is anything but obvious, especially when you're still dealing with your savior pattern... That's what I find incredible about the subconscious program, btw!
I had a traumatic history: raised by a covert narcissist to be the perfect girl, becoming a fearful-avoidant, an unaware empath and a perfectionist suffering from an Imposter Syndrome (that's right, a horrific mixture!), and eventually abused by a malignant narcissist (ex boyfriend) while I was in the middle of an existential crisis to the point of almost killing myself.
Miraculously, I was saved in the last moment by the grace of my pure love divinity through an out-of-body experience. It was as if the servant leader and true self in me dissociated to show me all the lies and limiting beliefs with which I've been struggling my whole life!
Undoubtedly, the butterfly took time to emerge. The caterpillar needed to heal some very obvious scars before gaining some strength for the most rewarding investment of my existence with a priceless paycheck: RE-WRITING my fucked up program (or at least the major part since there are unsuspected patterns I discovered and will probably still discover in the future with new events) and reconnecting with a mission that goes beyond my small self (that's how I became writer-- the most beautiful accident-- while I'm a former IT project manager).
I discovered my rescuer pattern, indeed, when I confirmed my mother's diagnosis after closely studying the Cluster B disorders and seriously following brilliant therapists like yourself. 💙 I destroyed only the first layer at the time "ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE INHERENTLY-GOOD AND DESERVE A CHANCE TO BE GUIDED TOWARD THE LIGHT", and I'm discovering a new layer everytime. I'm simply amazed!
Last but not least, I can't understand how a decent person can dislike your gem 💎 of videos, unless they are "you know" 😁
Agreed Myriam, Patrick there are so many messages in this. As a daughter, a wife and a mother. Myriam thank you for being so open with your experience and sharing it with all of us.All the best with your writing, I look forward to reading all your lessons and insights😊.
@@nadiag4599 How adorable of you! 💙