Tim has explained how friendships develop and what to look for in a friend. I’ve never had any education on friendship. It’s taken me until I’m 50 to understand. Thanks Tim
What Tim says isn't what trauma bonding is. I would say what Tim has said here is people connecting via their shared trauma. Basing their connection on shared trauma and not shared values. Trauma bonding is way more serious and part of abusive relationships which stops people from leaving them.
So helpful especially when defining and explaining trauma bonding (second type) and reminding us that personality (innate) and character (shaped in the first 7-17 years by our treatment) are COMPLETELY SEPARATE and both matter in compatibility.
TIM is the father many needed, or need now, who speaks to our 5 yr old trying to make sense of the world. Our adult may think it s simple information or didactic or not think it pertains to us. Listen in and lean in, and it resonates hugely, as if Tim lived as an angel and watched us grow up! We cant help but agree and relate to all his examples and keep sayjng YES! Wow...yessss..so true...my mom DID behave like that! I never knew she was an emotionally immature person! I never really knew the meaning of hvaing needs, codependency, narcissism as its equal opposite, freeze, abuse cycle etc. Tim explains all of LIFE in all his videos! He s a true pastor,mentor, counsellor, guide, angel and father. Bless ur heart. ❤ And to think i discovered you on Theo Von s podcast is pretty funny.
What a wonderful person. He is able to articulate things people just feel somewhere deep inside but are unable to describe. I love how he is not judgmental. Feels very safe and understanding. I also love that he gives people reassurance to let go of some relationships, even those they feel like they must keep or else they are not good people. I have been accused of holding grudges towards a narcissist. It is very important to realize the difference between a self preserving boundary and a grudge.
This man reminds me of the essence of the scripture passage that says, "Proverbs 16:7-31 KJV. When a man's ways please the LORD, He maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him. " Tim, it is evident you are a servant of God who has humbled himself under the mighty hand of God, where God is now lifting you up using you greatly for many! Thank you for your devotion to God and his kingdom service to others. God bless you
You are helping me to find God and my authentic self. Get rid of toxic shame and allowing life to happen, understand boundaries, understand myself, how to live life. You are helping me heal. Thank you 🙏
I’ve decided people are not safe, and until I can fix me- it’s best to go it alone because you don’t know who is safe or not until you get in a relationship with someone. I have never understood why we need a surrogate family when we’re broken. Nobody can help me but myself.
Well, I am glad at this age to at least have a road map now as I have been struggling all my life with how to create a healthy life with safe people. And, myself trying to be a safe person. Tim, you have really done a beautiful thing here with these videos, thank you -
Thank you! Iam in trauma treatment.. The more I understand and going through healing the more people around me must go... I ty to set boundaries but their actions tell me they don't approve.. I have had a lot of trauma bounding with others throughout my life..And I've set boundaries and many of them aren't able to change. That's why I can't be with them if they don't take responsibility over their behavior. . I have had to cut some people out and it made my life smaller.. Iam working on.. It's OK not having alot of friends.. I need funktionell, respectful relationship. It's still hard setting boundaries.. Often it's all or nothing or.. When I set boundaries I get the silent treatment for setting boundaries from that so called friend... I don't feel safe around new people anymore..
Hi. Just mentioning the importance to understand boundaries are not for others, they are for you. Not others have to follow your boundaries but you. If you stick w/your boundaries then others will either respect that or not. Boundaries are not there to try to change other ppl’s behavior whatsoever. Boundaries are not rules to others of what and what not to do. Boundaries are essentially your way of thinking, your self esteem, discernment, values, ethics and morals. If you are looking for friends than you are looking for comparability with others who share the same boundaries. Set an example. Have standards not expectations. Best of luck, good folks are out there.
You are helping me to find God and my authentic self. Get rid of toxic shame and allowing life to happen, understand boundaries, understand myself, how to live life.
He has implied things throughout the series, some abandonment issues etc. Me personally I appreciate him not involving his own story too deeply. It keeps the focus on the help he is providing so very selflessly. The result in his composure and energy is more then clear. We can see the fruits of his labor instead of focusing on the dead branches that he cut along the way.
Great video with a lot of good information that can be easily applied to one's life. I had a lot of misconceptions about what makes a good relationship and unfortunately learned to be a People Pleaser due to my dysfunctional family of origin. I no longer will allow passive-aggressive controlling people in my life. Thank you for this useful information.
this is all true sir, and I really have lots of trauma into my life and I know that if my biological father who also has a last name Fletcher, didn't left me behind I will be so happy because all of those abuse and working early at my young age to be a breadwinner of my family didn't happen to me
Yes, great video. But at the end of the third minute, the focus changes abruptly at a critically important truth, from "Where am I going to find healthy people??" to how to evaluate individuals personality vs character. All the content is very helpful but I don't know how or where to turn for healthy connection. I feel desperate for this.
That's what the videos r all about. Work on yourself,have ambitions even if they are small, learn something new every month , 8 hrs for sleep 8 hrs for job and 8 for yourself! exercise, take care of ur diet, have a moral code, live a life of principle based on natural laws : if someone tries to cross boundaries , remind them of ur what principle u follow . The rest will be magic! P.s I just didn't reply to you but this is a reminder for myself too.
@ArBK7 thank you, making safe connections has indeed been slow work but I do agree with your summary of how to live a healthy life of recovery where we work on our attachment to ourselves
I think I learned how to do this by accident. For me, to vet people takes a lot of time. I have been hurt so much in my past that I take a lot of time. The one time I did not, stepped up the time table, it was a total disaster. Best take the time and look for quality over quantity.
Hi MiaStayingCreative, we don’t need to be lonely. We can learn to be okay on our own. Loneliness is the poverty of the self, solitude is being okay with being in one’s own company. We are not alone per se, but some people have varying degrees of being comfortable with just themselves or being in need of the company with others. 😊 ❤ I hope you find the people you need in your life.
it's really hard to find the real true person sir because most of time the really problem is jealousy, I'm a friendly honest person but because of others jealousy someone doing me wrong and I can feel that this person didn't want me to have a good life and this person is just here people I know and some of family members of my mother side step brother
Do you know why you may attact those kinds of people (jealous) to your life? Not everyone is that way. Sometimes we attract a certain characteristic because of something deep, hidden within us. I hope you find out why so you can experience non jealous friendships. They are out there. Good luck! 🙏🏼
Unfortunately for me I can't do half in half out relationships, either friends or romantic. The only people I accept as a human and flawed is my sibling & 2 friends, that's even a challenge sometimes.
I'm sorry but I cannot accept my step brother that always hurting me beating me up wanted to kill me for how many times and I don't know why that it's hard to put him in jail even they already can see what his doing to me and his only my step brother and I spend my time keep helping him before but I helped a person who will just going to kill me and I will keep on praying that he will go to jail because he doesn't want to change
Idora you don't have the obligation to be around someone who's hurting you just because you're blood related. You can love him from a safe distance and even go no contact and pray for his delivery/recovery and wish him well. But by helping him you kind of make yourself look better and him weak so it might even reactivate his anger because of that imbalance. To say sacrifice is different from putting yourself in the position of victim. By letting him hurt you and mistreat you you are partially responsible and allow him to misbehave.
No one is going to lie for you and tell your story !! When I ha e the answers as to why you couldn't call anyone !! As to why you waited so long to call anyone the second time ! Not because you were been nice !! I have the answer on why you can go on vacations and buy trucks after claiming that happened to you !! Because I happen to know your story is false !! I saw you made it !! Witness tampering is what's called !! And I'm denouncing them be aise instead of getting court date and time ! Like it was asked for 3 years . They harass sabotage and threats !!
God works through men like tim. Thanks again Tim. ur the man
Tim has explained how friendships develop and what to look for in a friend. I’ve never had any education on friendship. It’s taken me until I’m 50 to understand. Thanks Tim
This is the first time I've understood what trauma bonding really means, thank you, you explain things so meticulously, you are a wonderful teacher
What Tim says isn't what trauma bonding is. I would say what Tim has said here is people connecting via their shared trauma. Basing their connection on shared trauma and not shared values. Trauma bonding is way more serious and part of abusive relationships which stops people from leaving them.
So helpful especially when defining and explaining trauma bonding (second type) and reminding us that personality (innate) and character (shaped in the first 7-17 years by our treatment) are COMPLETELY SEPARATE and both matter in compatibility.
Unbelievably brilliant information thank you you described my experience completely
Us CPTSD folks don’t know this stuff…omg, thank you ❤
TIM is the father many needed, or need now, who speaks to our 5 yr old trying to make sense of the world.
Our adult may think it s simple information or didactic or not think it pertains to us. Listen in and lean in, and it resonates hugely, as if Tim lived as an angel and watched us grow up! We cant help but agree and relate to all his examples and keep sayjng YES! Wow...yessss..so true...my mom DID behave like that! I never knew she was an emotionally immature person! I never really knew the meaning of hvaing needs, codependency, narcissism as its equal opposite, freeze, abuse cycle etc.
Tim explains all of LIFE in all his videos!
He s a true pastor,mentor, counsellor, guide, angel and father.
Bless ur heart. ❤
And to think i discovered you on Theo Von s podcast is pretty funny.
Tim’s talks are like listening to a stranger diagram the wiring of my thinking.
I am deeply in pain that is exactly my situation and keep fighting to be in healthy place all the time
Me too
ACA meetings are a good place to help you to heal.
What a wonderful person. He is able to articulate things people just feel somewhere deep inside but are unable to describe. I love how he is not judgmental. Feels very safe and understanding. I also love that he gives people reassurance to let go of some relationships, even those they feel like they must keep or else they are not good people. I have been accused of holding grudges towards a narcissist. It is very important to realize the difference between a self preserving boundary and a grudge.
Thank you for your help.
This man reminds me of the essence of the scripture passage that says,
"Proverbs 16:7-31 KJV. When a man's ways please the LORD, He maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him. "
Tim, it is evident you are a servant of God who has humbled himself under the mighty hand of God, where God is now lifting you up using you greatly for many! Thank you for your devotion to God and his kingdom service to others. God bless you
I needed this. Thank you💛🙏🏽🙏🏽
You are helping me to find God and my authentic self. Get rid of toxic shame and allowing life to happen, understand boundaries, understand myself, how to live life. You are helping me heal. Thank you 🙏
I’ve decided people are not safe, and until I can fix me- it’s best to go it alone because you don’t know who is safe or not until you get in a relationship with someone. I have never understood why we need a surrogate family when we’re broken. Nobody can help me but myself.
Tim, I thank you for your helpful content dueing my season of self discovery and I thank God for making sure I came across it.
And thank the youtube algorithm that suggested Tim's awesome videos! 😊
This is an incredible breakdown of a very complicated process. Thank you so much for sharing.
Excellent lecture, thanks! I enjoy the addition of the bible study, very interesting.
Well, I am glad at this age to at least have a road map now as I have been struggling all my life with how to create a healthy life with safe people. And, myself trying to be a safe person. Tim, you have really done a beautiful thing here with these videos, thank you -
By these criterion, none of the people i call friends would pass this test 😢😢
@@oflavia2910 its okay to be without toxic friends
This is incredibly helpful!!! Explained with such clarity
Wow I think this is the best info I have ever gotten
Thank you! Iam in trauma treatment.. The more I understand and going through healing the more people around me must go... I ty to set boundaries but their actions tell me they don't approve.. I have had a lot of trauma bounding with others throughout my life..And I've set boundaries and many of them aren't able to change. That's why I can't be with them if they don't take responsibility over their behavior. . I have had to cut some people out and it made my life smaller.. Iam working on.. It's OK not having alot of friends.. I need funktionell, respectful relationship. It's still hard setting boundaries.. Often it's all or nothing or.. When I set boundaries I get the silent treatment for setting boundaries from that so called friend... I don't feel safe around new people anymore..
Hi. Just mentioning the importance to understand boundaries are not for others, they are for you. Not others have to follow your boundaries but you. If you stick w/your boundaries then others will either respect that or not. Boundaries are not there to try to change other ppl’s behavior whatsoever. Boundaries are not rules to others of what and what not to do. Boundaries are essentially your way of thinking, your self esteem, discernment, values, ethics and morals. If you are looking for friends than you are looking for comparability with others who share the same boundaries. Set an example. Have standards not expectations. Best of luck, good folks are out there.
Iam not talking about changing people.. Bounderies goes both way.s..🙏
You are helping me to find God and my authentic self. Get rid of toxic shame and allowing life to happen, understand boundaries, understand myself, how to live life.
What I like about Part 16 and 17 is that it's really a take on radical acceptance.
No contact from many is tough
Sometimes you gotta self persevere
Thank you for saying that if you see kids having issues the parents need to heal to provide the environment for kids to feel.
Thank you Tim
I’d love to hear about Tim’s back story
He has implied things throughout the series, some abandonment issues etc. Me personally I appreciate him not involving his own story too deeply. It keeps the focus on the help he is providing so very selflessly. The result in his composure and energy is more then clear. We can see the fruits of his labor instead of focusing on the dead branches that he cut along the way.
He does a podcast episode with Theo Von and he goes into his own life. Good podcast.
th-cam.com/video/K60u6ObDsrI/w-d-xo.htmlsi=OOVGboDmIwUWemBI
God bless you Tim!!
Thank you
Thank you 🙏🏽
Great video with a lot of good information that can be easily applied to one's life. I had a lot of misconceptions about what makes a good relationship and unfortunately learned to be a People Pleaser due to my dysfunctional family of origin. I no longer will allow passive-aggressive controlling people in my life. Thank you for this useful information.
very nice video.....eye opening and informative...
The 4 C’s of trust can be there for many, many years and the person can still betray you badly. People also change.
this is all true sir, and I really have lots of trauma into my life and I know that if my biological father who also has a last name Fletcher, didn't left me behind I will be so happy because all of those abuse and working early at my young age to be a breadwinner of my family didn't happen to me
i was just talking to my pastor about this a few weeks ago
Thank you!
Yes, great video. But at the end of the third minute, the focus changes abruptly at a critically important truth, from "Where am I going to find healthy people??" to how to evaluate individuals personality vs character. All the content is very helpful but I don't know how or where to turn for healthy connection. I feel desperate for this.
That's what the videos r all about. Work on yourself,have ambitions even if they are small, learn something new every month , 8 hrs for sleep 8 hrs for job and 8 for yourself! exercise, take care of ur diet, have a moral code, live a life of principle based on natural laws : if someone tries to cross boundaries , remind them of ur what principle u follow . The rest will be magic!
P.s I just didn't reply to you but this is a reminder for myself too.
We get healthy individuals by becoming healthy ourselves. Do your work, your kind will find you....
@ArBK7 thank you, making safe connections has indeed been slow work but I do agree with your summary of how to live a healthy life of recovery where we work on our attachment to ourselves
@HughJorgan-py4ckThank you and good luck on your recovery journey
And that is exactly what I just did.
I don’t think sloppy/ messy is a personality trait. Definitely a character problem.
Well, now I know why I’ve been like a prey animal my whole life 😅 got way too close to people way too fast!
31:46 so true. 👌🏻
I think I learned how to do this by accident. For me, to vet people takes a lot of time. I have been hurt so much in my past that I take a lot of time. The one time I did not, stepped up the time table, it was a total disaster. Best take the time and look for quality over quantity.
LONLINESS is deadlier than cigarette smoking. If I follow everything he says, I’ll be lonely forever unfortunately 😔
Hi MiaStayingCreative, we don’t need to be lonely. We can learn to be okay on our own. Loneliness is the poverty of the self, solitude is being okay with being in one’s own company. We are not alone per se, but some people have varying degrees of being comfortable with just themselves or being in need of the company with others. 😊 ❤ I hope you find the people you need in your life.
No. One. Taught. Me. This
Read Pete Walker’s book CPTSD. Reparenting means teaching yourself now.
Check out ACA meetings too. You have the power now.
Could someone explain me the last part, I don’t really understand the story, my English ist not good enough.
I think some of the recent videos are lacking in their appropriate Re-parenting playlist, JFYI.
it's really hard to find the real true person sir because most of time the really problem is jealousy, I'm a friendly honest person but because of others jealousy someone doing me wrong and I can feel that this person didn't want me to have a good life and this person is just here people I know and some of family members of my mother side step brother
Do you know why you may attact those kinds of people (jealous) to your life? Not everyone is that way. Sometimes we attract a certain characteristic because of something deep, hidden within us. I hope you find out why so you can experience non jealous friendships. They are out there. Good luck! 🙏🏼
24:20
Unfortunately for me I can't do half in half out relationships, either friends or romantic. The only people I accept as a human and flawed is my sibling & 2 friends, that's even a challenge sometimes.
I have a toxic family 😢
Yes they constantly try to hurt me
Sooooooo, guess I am starting over at 0 friends again, hahahaha.
The Esther example is nutty!
I doubt the king had capacity to sleep w 400 women!
I'm sorry but I cannot accept my step brother that always hurting me beating me up wanted to kill me for how many times and I don't know why that it's hard to put him in jail even they already can see what his doing to me and his only my step brother and I spend my time keep helping him before but I helped a person who will just going to kill me and I will keep on praying that he will go to jail because he doesn't want to change
Idora you don't have the obligation to be around someone who's hurting you just because you're blood related. You can love him from a safe distance and even go no contact and pray for his delivery/recovery and wish him well. But by helping him you kind of make yourself look better and him weak so it might even reactivate his anger because of that imbalance. To say sacrifice is different from putting yourself in the position of victim. By letting him hurt you and mistreat you you are partially responsible and allow him to misbehave.
Grow
Biological family are definitely not in the safe circle. Sigh
No one is going to lie for you and tell your story !! When I ha e the answers as to why you couldn't call anyone !! As to why you waited so long to call anyone the second time ! Not because you were been nice !! I have the answer on why you can go on vacations and buy trucks after claiming that happened to you !! Because I happen to know your story is false !! I saw you made it !! Witness tampering is what's called !! And I'm denouncing them be aise instead of getting court date and time ! Like it was asked for 3 years . They harass sabotage and threats !!
Thank you
Thank you