I actually think that is a totally normal desire and not contradictory at all to want all those things in a relationship. The exciting part of it people are really thinking of when they think of the 'anxiety' inducing part is PASSION. Not abuse. Passion and living through the struggles of life are the healthy verison of that we all would thrive on the most. Passion.
Two things spring to mind on this topic: Convenience Generation and Paradox of Choice. The idea that a long-term relationship of years and years is just supposed to be exciting, and effortless (if it's real love) is ludicrous lol. It takes much intentionality to grow with someone, relearn each other and keep things interesting, ask any couple who have been happily married for 20+ years. It's just not convenient, it takes work and people can't compute 'romantic love' and 'work' together. But that's the problem, romantic love is just one of the many facets of love; there's eros, philia, agape and storge love. Different seasons of life will mean some parts of love will be more than others, you just have to nurture the area that is most needed in those seasons. Whatever happened to allowing love to mature and grow? And then you couple that with the paradox of choice which is a HUGE issue today. There's always someone that will be more exciting, better looking, more intelligent etc. And the illusion that you have unlimited choice will mean that you'll hop from one person to another hoping for better, only to find yourself more alone than before. The paradox of choice paralyses people into not committing to a decision because "there could be something better". This is why statistics show that the percentage of unpartnered adult people is ever increasing.
Boring and insecure people create drama. If you want to keep your relationship exciting then you do fun activities with your partner. That actually makes a man fall in love. Spend time together and create memories so that when he needs his man space he’ll be thinking about you and all the drama free fun and peace that you bring him. Not only that but when he provides and takes you on these activities it actually activates his love needs and it also also activates yours when he gifts you things and experiences. So a win/win! You’ll feel wanted and he’ll feel needed Now if you’re a boring person then you need to dig deep within and find your hobbies and goals. Make yourself happy. It’s not your partners job to make you happy. Neither should you attempt to make him happy. Also you shouldn’t be available 24/7. You should also have your girl space even if this is spending hours in the bathroom doing makeup or going out to the spa. It makes a man miss you, trust me I know this. My bf would stand outside the bathroom and peek in because he was so curious as to where I went lol.
Yes! Women have lower tolerance for bad behavior from our partners because many of us have the resources to leave. But let’s make sure we’re defining bad behavior properly. There’s a segment of women out there who feel entitled and create drama or end relationships with a good man over the smallest things. Once we find a man who checks the main boxes, it’s in our best interest to see that relationship through. Boring and healthy is better than exciting and toxic. A good man will work to keep the flame alive. It’s up to us to value and appreciate that. Great video, as always! ❤
I also think that having studied the past generations and relationships around us , less women are signing up to be ride or dies, and when we do, it is with limits.
3:16 "...that Grandma couldn't leave" I actually have / had 2 grandma's who left. One in the 60s and one in the late 70s. One of those lost contact to one of her children in the process: The father told her daughter her mother was dead... Meanwhile, my grandma moved to Germany & wasn't allowed to speak to her daughter. My Aunt didn't figure out her mom and siblings were still alive until she was 16. This is so important especially since so many forget how hard it used to be for a single mother...
I have a fun, sexy and exciting but healthy relationship with my fiance. What keeps it healthy is the constant communication and respect we have for each other. We're getting married next year by God's grace.
So I think two things can be true at once. Whilst it is definitely true that a lot of unhappy marriages in the past stayed in tact because of the stigma of divorce, now that divorce has (rightly) been destigmatised, a fair amount of people view marriage as disposable/temporary, so when the honeymoon period ends, and things either get boring or the normal types of disagreement happen within a relationship, it is easy to leave and there is less incentive to make it work. On the whole our generation has gotten much better at waiting until we find the right person before getting married, but I think maybe another consequence of that is that when things aren’t perfect, it’s easier to break up when you’re not married so again there is less incentive to fix the problems and make it work. Abusive relationships should always come to an end, but normal disagreements and differences should not be mistaken for abuse - those things can be made to work. That includes a loss of ‘passion’, moving on from the honeymoon period to the attachment period. Instead of ending it, find a healthy way to keep things interesting - such as fitting in exciting activities you both enjoy. Many of us have been modelled unhealthy relationships between our parents, and maybe the fact that divorce wasn’t as easy in the past is a contributor to that - instead of our parents/grandparents breaking up, they stayed together and exposed us to the toxicity and so we grew up thinking it was normal. It’s a bloody minefield!
Such a good discussion. I agree that we shouldn't settle for a relationship that doesn't feel good or where we don't feel respected but maybe when facing some issues (again; depending on the type of problem) rather than throwing it all away, we could talk and see if there is a solution where both feel heard and respected. I think we're so used to seeing romantic, exciting, and dreamy relationships online and in movies, that we forget that it's not all how it looks from the outside. :)
Some people really are boring though. It’s not always because you’re addicted to chaos.. sometimes certain people just don’t have the personality compatibility that you desire However you can certainly find stability and passion in one person. It takes time to find. I think it took me like two years before I found my guy, and it’s a good mix of attraction and interest while still feeling secure.
7:25 As a black women, this gave me the clarity I needed to continue with what was offered to me.. I had been struggling for so long to find someone secure and peaceful that because I finally have it, I don’t want to mess it up 😢 I have an anxious attachment and my partner has a secure attachment and it was really hard for me to be calm and at peace with him being so sure of himself and so sure of me. But i’m doing the work on myself to make sure that it’s what we both want and this is the right path for my life. ❤
I just wanted to say I love the energy you're giving off. You have such a positive vibe, and I really enjoy the way you analyze things and share your opinions. Your comparison on fitness was spot on. After being in long, toxic relationships, I'm now in my first "healthy/boring" relationship. I was actually considering leaving because it felt "boring." 😅 Thank you for your insights. It felt like listening to a friend. 😊 Ps. Also what you are saying remembered me kind of what Logan Ury talks in her book "How to not die alone" ( she has also talked on some podcasts).
Really interesting ideas and definitely agree! Sometimes relationships can seem almost too stable but I have to remind myself that it’s stable because it’s healthy. I think I have a tendency to chase drama 😅 Thank you for sharing!
Great points! I liked the comparison to working out and eating healthy. Just like we can retrain ourselves to crave healthier things, perhaps we can work towards pursuing more stable, healthy relationships.
6:29 is so me too 😂😂 Thank you Adella for sharing this thoughtful piece. A truly healthy relationship will sometimes feel boring, but that is also a sign of peace. No drama, no chaos just two healthy & secure individuals coming together & wanting to make progress together!
So, I did some research on this and noticed some interesting things. Love based marriages tend to have higher levels of initial satisfaction at the start, but lower levels over time and higher divorce rates. Arranged marriages tend to be the opposite, reporting lower levels of initial satisfaction but greater levels over time and lower divorce rates. I don't think that love based marriages are the problem, but I think that there's a practically and pragmatism to the arranged approach. In a sense, they choose to love their partner and work on building the intimacy and don't "expect" it as much as people do in love based relationships. That being said, the overall highest level of satisfaction is obviously a love based marriage with the practically and pragmatism of an arranged one. I think that most people struggle to achieve this, but those that do, have the best relationships I've ever seen. I think that this can be difficult for women especially because their priorities tend to shift more radically than men's over time. Many women come to appreciate the "boring" man that they left many years before. Others find someone who's better suited to them and ultimately end up happy. It's hard to tell without hindsight if it's the right decision. Love is built on reciprocation, not on expectation.
First of all, you are SO cute :) I love the way you presented such a complex topic so simply. I agree. 100%. This is definitely something i've struggled with my whole life, where i ended up with the "exciting" and terrible-for-me relationships, and dismissed genuine good men as boring. But the struggle i'm now facing with good men is that now, when a "good" and "safe" and "secure" man does the smallest thing to upset me, i feel so confused :D As though he's not still human. But its like, "HUH i never expected a good guy to make me feel this way when we fight" etc. Relationships are just sooo harddd
I find that I get bored easily in relationships because of my attachment style. I have anxious attachment traits and fear abandonment so bad. When my partner is away I already feel neglected and emotionally check out of the relationship. No matter how they beg me I still leave. Even now I'm thinking of leaving I know its a me problem more than anything else. My relationships end the same and they hardly last.
Healthy and fun, please. Can't stand those relationship dynamics where all we do is sit in the house, watch TV, eat in and have missionary sex every night. One where the partner is clingy or so insecure that you can't enjoy some alone time or with other people who aren't your partner! Relationships where people lose their individuality too lead to boredom. There's nothing exciting or new about the other person.
Adella! I love your videos and I have been following you since your cornflakesnosugar days... have you ever thought about doing TV show reviews. I know you love Love Island and I feel like your voice is so soothing that I would love to hear your takes while working. Idk if you have ever thought of doing something like that but I think you would be great at it! Sending much love from the US! 🤎✨
This might be a hot take but I actually think this is the reason some people cheat, which is ridiculous because you have peace at home and you see a problem with it and those people crave drama and chaos to either feel validated, powerful in their powerless lives or just to feel something which is ultimately sad
People cheat for the novelty of controlling new people. For the stimulation of being in the honey mood stage. It's not powerlessness. It's to recreate the honeymoon stage.
I have never a day in my life felt "bored" in a relationship unless we weren't having sex or going out. I can't relate to this, but it sounds like hell. Also explains why so many relationships and people are fixated on problems.
Boring no fire sex is FN terrible I even stop pursuing she just don’t know how to engage I’m only around because of my kids and they all grown up am about ready to bounce sad but tru when a man is fed up, there’s nothing u can do about it
I want a stable, exciting,fun, and boring relationship all in one😅
Haha love it
This!
I actually think that is a totally normal desire and not contradictory at all to want all those things in a relationship. The exciting part of it people are really thinking of when they think of the 'anxiety' inducing part is PASSION. Not abuse. Passion and living through the struggles of life are the healthy verison of that we all would thrive on the most. Passion.
Two things spring to mind on this topic: Convenience Generation and Paradox of Choice. The idea that a long-term relationship of years and years is just supposed to be exciting, and effortless (if it's real love) is ludicrous lol. It takes much intentionality to grow with someone, relearn each other and keep things interesting, ask any couple who have been happily married for 20+ years. It's just not convenient, it takes work and people can't compute 'romantic love' and 'work' together. But that's the problem, romantic love is just one of the many facets of love; there's eros, philia, agape and storge love. Different seasons of life will mean some parts of love will be more than others, you just have to nurture the area that is most needed in those seasons. Whatever happened to allowing love to mature and grow? And then you couple that with the paradox of choice which is a HUGE issue today. There's always someone that will be more exciting, better looking, more intelligent etc. And the illusion that you have unlimited choice will mean that you'll hop from one person to another hoping for better, only to find yourself more alone than before. The paradox of choice paralyses people into not committing to a decision because "there could be something better". This is why statistics show that the percentage of unpartnered adult people is ever increasing.
You worded this perfectly !
I needed to hear this. I tend to jump from relationship to next and I'm never fulfilled.
Boring and insecure people create drama. If you want to keep your relationship exciting then you do fun activities with your partner. That actually makes a man fall in love. Spend time together and create memories so that when he needs his man space he’ll be thinking about you and all the drama free fun and peace that you bring him.
Not only that but when he provides and takes you on these activities it actually activates his love needs and it also also activates yours when he gifts you things and experiences. So a win/win! You’ll feel wanted and he’ll feel needed
Now if you’re a boring person then you need to dig deep within and find your hobbies and goals. Make yourself happy. It’s not your partners job to make you happy. Neither should you attempt to make him happy. Also you shouldn’t be available 24/7. You should also have your girl space even if this is spending hours in the bathroom doing makeup or going out to the spa. It makes a man miss you, trust me I know this. My bf would stand outside the bathroom and peek in because he was so curious as to where I went lol.
This describes my relationship with my fiance perfectly. ❤ I know you must be very happy with your bf 😊
@@tessy28Aww and very much❤️ thank you!!
Perfectly said 🙌🏾 having alone time creates that healthy tension and space to miss each other.
Yes! Women have lower tolerance for bad behavior from our partners because many of us have the resources to leave. But let’s make sure we’re defining bad behavior properly. There’s a segment of women out there who feel entitled and create drama or end relationships with a good man over the smallest things. Once we find a man who checks the main boxes, it’s in our best interest to see that relationship through. Boring and healthy is better than exciting and toxic. A good man will work to keep the flame alive. It’s up to us to value and appreciate that. Great video, as always! ❤
Thank you 😊 and yessss ‘let’s make sure are defining bad behaviour properly’ exactly!! I wish I said that in the video now haha
I also think that having studied the past generations and relationships around us , less women are signing up to be ride or dies, and when we do, it is with limits.
3:16 "...that Grandma couldn't leave" I actually have / had 2 grandma's who left. One in the 60s and one in the late 70s. One of those lost contact to one of her children in the process: The father told her daughter her mother was dead... Meanwhile, my grandma moved to Germany & wasn't allowed to speak to her daughter. My Aunt didn't figure out her mom and siblings were still alive until she was 16.
This is so important especially since so many forget how hard it used to be for a single mother...
Mine is healthy and boring. We love it! 💖
Haha love that!
I have a fun, sexy and exciting but healthy relationship with my fiance. What keeps it healthy is the constant communication and respect we have for each other. We're getting married next year by God's grace.
Communication is crucial, and having respect is so important. Congratulations on your engagement!
Love that!! And congratulations 🥳
Thank you so much all. ❤
That’s great but why are u here then? If it’s so perfect why click this vid?
So I think two things can be true at once. Whilst it is definitely true that a lot of unhappy marriages in the past stayed in tact because of the stigma of divorce, now that divorce has (rightly) been destigmatised, a fair amount of people view marriage as disposable/temporary, so when the honeymoon period ends, and things either get boring or the normal types of disagreement happen within a relationship, it is easy to leave and there is less incentive to make it work. On the whole our generation has gotten much better at waiting until we find the right person before getting married, but I think maybe another consequence of that is that when things aren’t perfect, it’s easier to break up when you’re not married so again there is less incentive to fix the problems and make it work. Abusive relationships should always come to an end, but normal disagreements and differences should not be mistaken for abuse - those things can be made to work. That includes a loss of ‘passion’, moving on from the honeymoon period to the attachment period. Instead of ending it, find a healthy way to keep things interesting - such as fitting in exciting activities you both enjoy. Many of us have been modelled unhealthy relationships between our parents, and maybe the fact that divorce wasn’t as easy in the past is a contributor to that - instead of our parents/grandparents breaking up, they stayed together and exposed us to the toxicity and so we grew up thinking it was normal. It’s a bloody minefield!
Such a good discussion. I agree that we shouldn't settle for a relationship that doesn't feel good or where we don't feel respected but maybe when facing some issues (again; depending on the type of problem) rather than throwing it all away, we could talk and see if there is a solution where both feel heard and respected. I think we're so used to seeing romantic, exciting, and dreamy relationships online and in movies, that we forget that it's not all how it looks from the outside. :)
Exactly this!
Some people really are boring though. It’s not always because you’re addicted to chaos.. sometimes certain people just don’t have the personality compatibility that you desire
However you can certainly find stability and passion in one person. It takes time to find. I think it took me like two years before I found my guy, and it’s a good mix of attraction and interest while still feeling secure.
7:25 As a black women, this gave me the clarity I needed to continue with what was offered to me.. I had been struggling for so long to find someone secure and peaceful that because I finally have it, I don’t want to mess it up 😢 I have an anxious attachment and my partner has a secure attachment and it was really hard for me to be calm and at peace with him being so sure of himself and so sure of me. But i’m doing the work on myself to make sure that it’s what we both want and this is the right path for my life. ❤
I just wanted to say I love the energy you're giving off. You have such a positive vibe, and I really enjoy the way you analyze things and share your opinions. Your comparison on fitness was spot on.
After being in long, toxic relationships, I'm now in my first "healthy/boring" relationship. I was actually considering leaving because it felt "boring." 😅
Thank you for your insights. It felt like listening to a friend. 😊
Ps. Also what you are saying remembered me kind of what Logan Ury talks in her book "How to not die alone" ( she has also talked on some podcasts).
Really interesting ideas and definitely agree! Sometimes relationships can seem almost too stable but I have to remind myself that it’s stable because it’s healthy. I think I have a tendency to chase drama 😅 Thank you for sharing!
Glad it resonated with you 🥰
Your skin is on another level! So pretty😄😍
Great points! I liked the comparison to working out and eating healthy. Just like we can retrain ourselves to crave healthier things, perhaps we can work towards pursuing more stable, healthy relationships.
Yessssss
6:29 is so me too 😂😂
Thank you Adella for sharing this thoughtful piece. A truly healthy relationship will sometimes feel boring, but that is also a sign of peace. No drama, no chaos just two healthy & secure individuals coming together & wanting to make progress together!
So, I did some research on this and noticed some interesting things.
Love based marriages tend to have higher levels of initial satisfaction at the start, but lower levels over time and higher divorce rates.
Arranged marriages tend to be the opposite, reporting lower levels of initial satisfaction but greater levels over time and lower divorce rates.
I don't think that love based marriages are the problem, but I think that there's a practically and pragmatism to the arranged approach. In a sense, they choose to love their partner and work on building the intimacy and don't "expect" it as much as people do in love based relationships.
That being said, the overall highest level of satisfaction is obviously a love based marriage with the practically and pragmatism of an arranged one. I think that most people struggle to achieve this, but those that do, have the best relationships I've ever seen.
I think that this can be difficult for women especially because their priorities tend to shift more radically than men's over time. Many women come to appreciate the "boring" man that they left many years before. Others find someone who's better suited to them and ultimately end up happy. It's hard to tell without hindsight if it's the right decision.
Love is built on reciprocation, not on expectation.
The issue is fundamentally a gender issue . women innate nature causes them to experience boredom more compared to males .
First of all, you are SO cute :) I love the way you presented such a complex topic so simply. I agree. 100%. This is definitely something i've struggled with my whole life, where i ended up with the "exciting" and terrible-for-me relationships, and dismissed genuine good men as boring. But the struggle i'm now facing with good men is that now, when a "good" and "safe" and "secure" man does the smallest thing to upset me, i feel so confused :D As though he's not still human. But its like, "HUH i never expected a good guy to make me feel this way when we fight" etc. Relationships are just sooo harddd
Stability over toxicity any day of the week
Yup!
I find that I get bored easily in relationships because of my attachment style. I have anxious attachment traits and fear abandonment so bad. When my partner is away I already feel neglected and emotionally check out of the relationship. No matter how they beg me I still leave. Even now I'm thinking of leaving I know its a me problem more than anything else. My relationships end the same and they hardly last.
This is an excellent video Adella. Very well put together and well articulated. You also use the analogies perfectly. Thanks for talking about this 💞
1 second in and you know I had to like the video. ❤️
Ahhh appreciate you 🤎
You definitely make a video about settling👀😍.
Maybe I will 👀🤎
Useful content and nuance. Thank you Adella. ❤
Healthy and fun, please. Can't stand those relationship dynamics where all we do is sit in the house, watch TV, eat in and have missionary sex every night. One where the partner is clingy or so insecure that you can't enjoy some alone time or with other people who aren't your partner! Relationships where people lose their individuality too lead to boredom. There's nothing exciting or new about the other person.
This too.
Adella! I love your videos and I have been following you since your cornflakesnosugar days... have you ever thought about doing TV show reviews. I know you love Love Island and I feel like your voice is so soothing that I would love to hear your takes while working. Idk if you have ever thought of doing something like that but I think you would be great at it!
Sending much love from the US! 🤎✨
This might be a hot take but I actually think this is the reason some people cheat, which is ridiculous because you have peace at home and you see a problem with it and those people crave drama and chaos to either feel validated, powerful in their powerless lives or just to feel something which is ultimately sad
People cheat for the novelty of controlling new people. For the stimulation of being in the honey mood stage. It's not powerlessness. It's to recreate the honeymoon stage.
@0:37 I believe it! 😭 I was the most stressed my sophomore year in college and also had the best s*x with my partner lol
I have never a day in my life felt "bored" in a relationship unless we weren't having sex or going out. I can't relate to this, but it sounds like hell. Also explains why so many relationships and people are fixated on problems.
You’re beautiful..
Boring no fire sex is FN terrible I even stop pursuing she just don’t know how to engage I’m only around because of my kids and they all grown up am about ready to bounce sad but tru when a man is fed up, there’s nothing u can do about it
omo
Give me “boring” (conflict-free) between the two of us, but let us do exciting things together. Thank you 🙏🏼💙🩵🤍🫶🏼
This is it!!!