Unexpected Reaction to My Autism Diagnosis
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 เม.ย. 2024
- Happy to have you back for Porch Coffee with week, Friends! I've been surprised recently about how I have reacted to being presented with my #autism #diagnosis by people who knew me pre-diagnosis. I find that I have an immediate emotional response that I am trying to understand in myself. I am a little nervous to share this this week, but I hope it will help someone that is also going through the same thing.
Become a channel member here: / @woodshedtheory
Join the #mugclub at WOODSHEDTHEORY.COM! Visit to order your Porch Coffee Mug Today! www.woodshedtheory.com/shop-2
What do you think of my secret ETSY? neurodiversestore.etsy.com
If you want to check out my ETSY, it's here: www.etsy.com/shop/WoodshedTheory
Hi! I’m Claire, and this is my channel, Woodshed Theory. Here you will find the awkward ramblings of an adult autist. I love being creative and sharing my experiences with you. Subscribe to see more DIYs and Autism Discussions on your feed!
Please subscribe if you wish and thank you for visiting.
Email: woodshedtheory@gmail.com
Instagram: @woodshed_theory
FACEBOOK: / woodshedtheory
All the music and sounds in my videos are from epidemicsound.com
Thumbnail was produced in Canva. B-Roll is also from Canva.
![*sometimes I don't like myself and life is hard for me* [porch coffee]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ckYbFu8Qjuc/mqdefault.jpg)
![[TH]FFWS SEA Spring 2024 Knockout Stage - Day 18](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/IfsyX-nCiZQ/mqdefault.jpg)
Please please please don't let others determine what you share on YOUR channel. You do you girl.
I get exactly that when someone shows me kindness or concern. I think it must be buried trauma.
I get that as well! I think that you are right, if someone shows me kindness or concern for any reason it is very overwhelming.
I get it when anyone says something nice to me.
I am not diagnosed by a professional but I am positive that I am autistic. My 17 year old son is diagnosed and we are very, very similar. I just mask more and better. I think that it might be emotional when someone asks about your diagnosis because you feel grief and sadness for the person that you were pre diagnosis who was struggling so much but didn’t know why. I know that when I think back to how I was as a kid I feel incredibly sad for that little girl that was weird, hyperlexic, socially awkward, a loner, incredibly artistic, an old soul, clueless, an insomniac, mathematically impaired, masking….because nobody noticed. When someone DID notice it was not to accommodate or give any help to. It was to make fun of her for saying that things were hard. They WERE hard. Everything was hard. Everything still is hard. So..that’s what I think that it is. Grief and sadness for the person that you were when that other person was in your life. They only know that version of you and that version was struggling and didn’t know why.
You're doing just fine, Claire! Being vulnerable and emotional doesn't mean you're broken, it just means you're human. Stay strong!
As a older man, I often wonder what my life would be if things were different. Now in the fourth quarter of life, the struggles stress and anxiety wear me down quickly.
"The tears come, and I have to hold them back..." 😭 Same! Oddly (or not) they still come when my Mom or siblings bring it up.
I was late diagnosed just over a year ago. My therapist says I'm grieving, and all I can think is that I'm doing it wrong: that I'm not grieving right. Thank you for sharing! Seeing you also struggle (...?) makes me realize that I'm not alone in this! Thank you for being vulnerable and real. Seriously!
I hate feeling lonely when I'm not alone. 😢 Like when I'm with people but feel like they don't understand.
Uhh, same here. And it is really helpful to not be alone with it. It is parallel to grief about family members deads, so I thought this makes it worse for me, mixes it up. It really is exhausting and hurts. But I don´t have the energy to hold my tears back. If people are annoyed, then go away, please. No power to care for them feeling uncomfortable.
I'm currently going through this too. Was diagnosed about a month ago,at 49. I've been melting down, at nothing.
I also, regularly retake all the tests lol
Grieving makes a lot of sense. I was late diagnosed 6 years ago and while it was a relief, I definitely did some grieving.
Wishing you well, and you are not alone...
I definitely relate to feeling alone at parties.
There's no right or wrong way to grieve. Just acknowledge whatever it is you're feeling, it's valid, and it should hopefully get better. 🫂
Dx'd 4 years ago, in my 50's. Currently going through what I can only describe as a grief-like reaction - huge, unexpected waves of emotion, interspersed with being able to speak about it in a calm, relatively detached manner. Suppose I just have to ride it till it's done. Have a good week!
Puh, 48 and in year one, nearly two. I hoped it will not need four years in this phase😢. I mean I know it will go on, and that´s very helpful, but it is A LOT...
It’s only been 5 months for me since diagnosis, but it’s been an intense grieving process for the last 2-3 months.
I am 49 and what I feel is grief and sadness for my past self, especially when I was a child in school and struggling with everything, masking, not fitting in, and nobody noticed.
@@faeriesmak same
Mid-50s here. Discovery has only been six months. Official dx is next. It’s a lot to take in because I now see my total life through the autism lens. It’s grief for my 6 year-old self who didn’t know how to make friends and felt so alone. It’s also for my 48 year-old self who had lived a life of trauma and felt hopeless at times. I can say I feel like I have more agency and I know how to deal with disregulation and meltdown. I’m hopeful because I see possibilities in my path forward. It ain’t over yet!
You're doing better than me; I have stopped telling people about my diagnosis, but when I do talk about it with people who already know, I also get overwhelmed and cry. I was also late diagnosed, just shy of 51. By the way, it's nice to meet someone else whose special interest is crocheting.
My special interest is crochet too... I LOVE IT!
49 and newly forged. It is a weird head fuck, for sure. I'm going through initial relief turning to 2nd,3rd, 300th guessing, atm.
When I start crying it’s usually a meltdown because I’m overwhelmed.
I think for me, it's like my brain is a massive database and when someone mentions my diagnosis, that index entry just links to every thought that I had over the last 59 years pre diagnosis and it's overwhelming to find which things to talk about because they are all relevant in some way.
(can you tell my special interest is computing/IT 🙂
Very helpful analogy for me, even if I am bad with tecnics (but love playing old-fashioned adventures)
Lol ikr! Hubby wanted me to watch Oppenheimer, but the entire time I'm reliving various life moments, I didn't remember any of the film!
I had a hard time following Oppenheimer. @@CrustyOldMare
The crow noise is lovely! I LOVE BIRDS!🦆🦅🕊️
me too😊
All corvids are cool! They have some of the best collective nouns!
Well you have come to the right place because they are usually part of the background sound in porch coffee
@@WoodshedTheory You could crack some walnuts for them, as they can't have coffee. They will thank You. And remember.
I definitely get emotional thinking about my life pre-diagnosis. Random memories come to mind and it's hard. Either just realizing why I did certain things, wondering why people didnt see it when I was a kid, what could have been different, etc
I'm sad nobody could be bothered to notice, in my case. I was pretty much textbook, but due to being the family scapegoat, I was just abused.
I broke down in tears immediately on receiving the diagnosis. I'm usually pretty stoic but couldn't hold it back---but I was also totally fried from the multiple-hour assessment process.
It's a lot to process. For two years I self identified as autistic and learned so much about my life and it feels crazy sometimes. I finally got officially diagnosed in March. It's a lot because we're living our lives with a hidden disability and it's a serious matter.
Thank you fore being open and vulnerable. Those are the episodes that are easiest to relate to!🙂. Instead of crying, I feel that I have to "defend" myself and having a har time finding the right words, and some times I feel that I am over exaggerating (even thou I don't), even if the people are open and mean it well. Anyone else here have the same experience?🤔.
Yes! And I also get that tinge of self-doubt at times.
Yep, but after I opened up, tried to explain and get abad reaction. Which sometimes leads to get stuck in this "defensive-mode" for a while.
I also feel like am making it a big deal, so now I only talk about it when I feel like I can handle the negative stuff...
@@elizabethaucoin6290 That was a really good advice, thank you☺!
I totally get the well up in tears when I talk about how I am feeling with my therapist and husband. I have not put my finger on it as well. 💕
Yes! I'm finding it hard to HAVE emotions, after not being "allowed "for 49 years.
I understand. I'd cry too if people believed me. I don't think most of them do. So im crying for a different reason.
Oh, angel. Have a textual hug!
I have the same problem 🥲. It's a horrible feeling isn't it. I have a feeling there's more of us out there too with this. At least we're not alone 😊💜
Werd
💖 Thanks so much for another porch coffee. The porch vibe reminds me of my home town. Being quite late diagnosed (18 mths ago), I still haven't told many people. With friends from school I have only managed to tell a few, one person at a time. Dealing with the emotions and reactions leaves me a bit dis-regulated and exhausted for a couple of weeks. It's impossible not to think about the two perspectives of life. One I experienced, and one I am interpreting as if I am reading a book about someone else. However, it was my life.
I loved creative writing at school, but I ended up in science. Often during my life I would think up plots for fiction novels. In particular, at one point in my 30's when I was struggling with friendships, work, and as a mother, I felt as if most other people "got" what life and relationships were about. So, I considered a plot for a book where most other people had a secret way of communicating, so they understood each other, but there were other people like the main character (like me I guess), who did not have that attribute. Like muggles, I suppose. It's like my brain was trying to work out what on earth was going on with my social interactions. I'm sad I didn't know, for my friends, and for me. It really is a weird experience, that's for sure.
I have loved all the videos this past week, from all the community. Omg, I just remembered the ukulele 😊 I have a back catalogue to watch!! What a joy!! I couldn't keep up. Hope everyone has an awesome week!! I love these coffees ✨ These videos are my absolute favourites. From my perspective it really is like chatting with a friend on a porch. Sending you lots of positive wishes, and thanks for sharing. ✨
Oh, please write this book! I would love to read it! What a stunning idea!
And I like these get-togethers a lot, too.
Greetings from Berlin/Germany, unfortunable without a porch😄
@@katzenbekloppt2412 Thank you, that is very kind 🙂✨Greetings from Perth/Australia
I can relate to what you said, Claire. When I moved back to PA in 2021 (I moved away when I was going into 6th grade) I had a flood of emotions.
My son had a great first week at school last week! I'm so relieved and grateful he's finally somewhere where he's safe and happy! Have a great week, Claire and friends! 💞
I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’ve found a new school!
Talking about mental health is not attention seeking. Thanks for sharing Claire. It's so much to process internally, I don't know how I could explain anything to someone on the outside, even after it's been long enough for me to really process and accept it. I suppose that's the communication disorder bit.
I’m trying to gather my thoughts to make a comment that makes sense. Sometimes when I have thought through a scenario and imagined how it would go, to then be believed/or disbelieved tears will come as a release from all the pent up expectations. (This is if they are someone I care how they feel).
I appreciate your vulnerability in today’s porch coffee. As someone who has often suppressed my tears (masking I guess) I could sense the same in you today. I just wanted to say feeling emotions as you talk is not a bad thing, it’s natural and we’ve been made feel like we need to hide it our whole lives to make others comfortable. t’s not “for show” If people say it is then they have no heart 💜
A big YES!, totally agree😊
You are still processing what it means. I have a time in my life when I would cry every time it came up. I am just starting to be able to talk about it now after years. It is okay to cry.
The good thing of the day would be me finally going through all my electronics stuff. Sorting things. one of my big insterests are in electronics and i have been collecting and buying stuff over the years that has been put in different boxes all over the place.
Still finding out that I am more annoyed with the world and neurotypicals then my "issues" that comes with my Autism and ADHD.
I first connected to the Internet in 1996. I have mostly loved being online. Its been a amazing resource of knowledge and friendship. Friendships that are more based on what i need and what i can handle. But the Internet is getting more and more annoying. And a lot it comes from social media.
I love that there are a freedom to upload and share things, but at the same time there are people who you wish did not speak up about things. Either its someone trying to sell an alternative product or whatever and tries to disprove things just to sell that. Or its those people cherry picking things based on what feels good and ignoring things because they "feel" wrong.
Been watching to many videos on "I'm Autistic, Now What?" and got really frustrated again with some people and them spreading missinformation. So much lack of proper knowledge and understanding things. And while being critical and skeptical mostly is a good thing. Some seem to have those things completely wrong.
Proper research is not that difficult. It takes time but the effort is worth it. Both for yourself and others. Learning is an never ending journey. And curiousity is a good thing. Just dont let people trick you to follow paths that does not lead you anywhere.
I would never be able to have that confidence in talking about things I am clearly not understanding that some people seem to find such ease to do. I question what i know reguarly and try to improve what i know and what i understand. Knowing that I can always improve and that information is fluid.
Anyway, i am glad that there are channels who try to battle missinformation and to spread knowledge and awareness. To help make people understand. It helps most of the time to just watch these channels, like yours. Just to listen.
"...never be able to have that confidence in talking about things I am clearly not understanding..." This. Like, how are they the expert when they have *just* heard about it? Sure, it may just be a mundane or trite thing, but it does speak volumes towards thought processes/communication methods in general.
I am not sure what You meant with Meg´s channel. Do You mean "I am autistic so what?" is spreading misinformation or do You mean the hate-comments she gets and regularly talks about in special episodes that say she does?
I like her and her channel, especially the memes-episodes.
@@katzenbekloppt2412 No. I was watching several of her videos where she was reacting to people spreading false of strange information. She has a great channel.
I am somewhat new to her channel and made a playlist of different videos and some of them were... "scary". :)
@@katzenbekloppt2412 There were several videos that wanted me to shut down the Internet and the NT world for good. ;)
THe one that i reacted to the most was a video called "Something Horrible has Happened..." but also some of those Reddit things that she reacted to. Autism Moms were a small part of it though.
@@mikaeljacobsson1437 I understand. Have to say I have to reread a lot due not to be an english-mother-tongue.
Well, there are a lot of those reaction-videos of german YTers I like that I can't watch for this reason. I am for example a vegan and I can't watch cruel videos misstreating animals even if it's to show the problem and blame it. I don't forget. I get so angry for days, ruminate about it that it has severe effects on my mental AND physical health.
Or listening to nazis, incels, etc.
I am getting murdering phantasies that are neither good for me nor the planet.
But - and it is just how it is, there is unfortunatly no logic in this- if Meg does her natural way of wondering what's going on in those peoples mind, sparkling joy and beeing sure about herself is so refreshing I can laugh with her.
But I now very good that we can feel very different about same things we are confronted with, so I definitly understand and am sorry for those bad feelings. They are heavy and a burden, no need to reproduce them, even "for a good meaning/attention".
I was inspired by your sensory cocoon. I'm trying to come up with some kind of sensory overload headgear. Options for ear & eye protection have been around for along time, but they are not always compatible with each other.
Morning Claire, I appreciate your consistency of being here for us on Mondays. Makes me feel seen and not forgotten. Good morning crow. Unfortunately I think the sleep issues get worse as you get older, I used to sleep well as a kid but in recent years have developed insomnia. I too have a general routine and I’m trying to establish a more stable routine. I’m so sick of my uneven productivity. I can understand feeling like you understand and accept yourself sometimes and other times your reprocessing your diagnosis. I feel like I’ve been triggered by these April fools jokes videos from autism creators, like I’m not finding them humorous, at the moment I’m not coming up with how to elaborate on that. Not feeling great. Have a good week
Sorry you had a bad experience with the April fools videos
Late diagnosed here, I get what you’re saying for sure! I usually get hit with a mini shutdown and freeze when it comes up for me. So I’m still working on processing these emotions… but I believe this was a great episode of porch coffee because being vulnerable sometimes or letting out that pent up emotion can help, I hope it does for you. Anyhow, loved this one, you’re certainly not alone on this one. I’m hoping to start processing my emotions about it by making TH-cam videos lol, we’ll see how that goes.
EDIT: I can’t wait until it’s within my budget to buy a porch coffee mug, I desperately need a new mug lol
Thank you for sharing your feelings Claire. I don't often comment (although I watch Porch Coffee et al. every week for years now) but felt moved to by your trust in us in revealing your vulnerability and emotions once again. It really helps and is clearly heartfelt, as is my response.
I definitely am having struggles relating my dx to others - especially family and those that have known me pre-dx. The emotions that it brings up in the moment are so overwhelming. The grief, shame, guilt, imposter syndrome, all rear their heads and swamp all other input/output. I often fall back on the fawning/masking/ disassociation that I have used previously and try to push on through without acknowledging my struggle for fear of coming over as "needy" or "too sensitive" or worse - manipulative. It is something I really have to work on as I am soon to visit with family and experience this first hand for the first time since dx - wish me luck!
Thank you so much for sharing - it really does help me to examine my own experience, and I know for many others too.
(Proud early subscriber and Mug Club member too!)
Thanks for always coming to porch coffee ☕️
I really dislike meeting people from earlier in my life. I definitely feel like they knew a different version of "me", and I find it hard to interact through/successfully navigate that misunderstanding.
I love how genuine you are and how willing you are to be vulnerable. Surprising emotions are surprising and it's good to hear others have them too.
In my case, it's the pressure of explaining properly to someone that I knew. And the apprehension of answering follow up questions. And the fear that they won't get what I mean. That is so much pressure sometimes.
Uhh, yes!
I absolutely get you. I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 22 and I think that taught me a lot. I don’t share more than I need to/have some short explanations that are prepared. If it’s someone you’re close to or comfortable with and want to share I so understand. I also drained myself a lot talking at length about something really personal to find out most people only want to hear a brief explanation. It’s hard on oneself to constantly talk about your struggles as a topic up for conversation. At 33 I’m a lot more private. I wish I could share my diagnosis with a lot of people in my life-but I know a lot of it wouldn’t be productive for me. I do think it is awesome when people are genuinely interested in hearing about other people’s struggles or conditions and are genuine. I just try a lot harder now to only share with those people because otherwise I’m exhausted and sometimes judged unfairly.
Also, let it out. I think crying is healthy. It’s okay to feel sad.
I think I will crochet a little today-thanks for your time and conversation. Loved the podcast this past couple weeks! 🎉
Good Morning Claire! We love you and you should feel free to talk about whatever you want. I appreciate that you are so open and that you show the struggle that so many of us feel about whatever we have going on also.
I think that any major diagnosis takes a while to process. I can only speak for myself, but I have heard this from others as well. For ADHD, it took me at least a couple years to really 'get it' that I would need to work really hard on functioning the way I wanted for myself for the rest of my life. I kept thinking that I'd work on it, "fix it", and then move on. But just when I thought I had it together.....nope. I'd get socked in the gut that I'd neglected things, or spent too much time hyper-focused, etc. It was hardly ever right away. Almost always a couple weeks or months before the consequences would catch up to me. It was so disappointing. Even worse was when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). I was happy to know what was wrong, then devastated by the prospect. While I want to be able to talk about it, and I sometimes need to address the limitations to others & to myself, but I REALLY don't want to have it define me. I don't know. It's such a bag of mixed emotions.
I sometimes find myself wondering if events in my life were or weren't affected by the ADHD. Would I been able to handle things differently, if I had known earlier. I was diagnosed in my late 20's. For the RA, I can say that as hard as it's been to realize that my older years may not be spent the way I had planned, I will say that I'm thankful in my ways. The biggest is probably that I really got clear on what is important to me and put family & friends first before work and success. I also realized that I wanted to pick projects that would bring me joy & don't need or want to spend a lot of time on those that don't bring me joy. That's not to say that I've come to these thoughts all in one go. It ebbs & flows in terms of realizations, coming to terms with things, not second guessing what I did in the past, all the things.
One thing that really helped is that I heard once & try to remember, "There's a reason that the rear view mirror is smaller than the windshield of a car. It's because you should focus on where you are going, not where you've been, or going in reverse." This is so true. We can't go back, so while we can learn from our past experiences, we should try not to dwell on what should've, could've, would've.
Hope you have a wonderful week. Take care & lots of hugs.
Hi Claire.
You don't ever have to apologize for showing your emotions.
I'm very recently diagnosed (February!) and almost 58 (May!) and I have been experiencing all kinds of emotions and thoughts. It feels like every second of every day my head is filled with thoughts both positive and negative and everything in between! I had no idea just how huge a deal it would be to be faced with questions of "who am I?" "Do I have a"true" identity?" It's something I hope to get answers to as I continue through life, and hopefully find peace with at some point. Plus, I had something of a meltdown in front of some of my co-workers last week due to information overload that just sent my head into utter chaos! But they responded so kindly and compassionately, and that really helped me to get back down to a calmer place. It was the first time they had seen me like that and I did feel pretty embarrassed afterwards, but I am so grateful that I have such supportive and understanding colleagues.
And so I wish you the very best in your life Claire, and may it be filled with peace and happiness.
And I really liked your burst dam analogy! 😊
So many layers to the processing. Envy you that there's people helping you stir. Nobody talks about autism with me or around me, like the big elephant in the room, even though they know about my late diagnosis. Your vulnerability is valued lady. Thanks again for making my Monday worthwhile 🤗
Thank you fur doing what you do as well as helping So Many.
After 16 + yrs I realized how grateful I am being Dx late w/ ASD, Getting Dx w/ T1D as a Per-teen & other factors. Today I’m doing My Best to Improve My Situation.
That crow is how I have felt on many occasion. 🥰Porch Coffee 👍🏼☕️👍🏼
I think that deep in my heart, I wasn't surprised by my autism diagnosis, even though I didn't seek it out-- I took a general neuropsych evaluation that covered a whole bunch of various conditions. I was diagnosed autistic at age 37, and everything just made so much sense. When I told my best friend from when I was a teenager, she just chuckled affectionately and said, "Well, we all kind of figured you had Aspergers," which was just becoming a known diagnosis. What has caused some trauma to resurface is a very recent diagnosis of dyspraxia. I was "the clumsy kid", struggling to learn how to tie my shoes, always bumping into things, breaking bones, picked last in gym class, teased for being a klutz. If only I had KNOWN and my parents had known, maybe I could have got more support. It's natural to feel grief over a late diagnosis. Thank you so much for sharing, Claire. Thanks for giving us the space to share as well. I always appreciate your Porch Coffees!
Uiuiui, Clare, that was a bit tricky to be able to have this coffee with You😅. Saw the notications, thaught "Oh, yes, today a big bowl of soy-milk coffee would be wonderful. Uhhh, I heft the last bit of the lemon-cake in the kitchen. And the soy-cream from birtday in the fridge, that will be yummy😋"
Turns out the excellent coffee I baught is in beans. Nope, I don´t own a coffee-mill🤐.
But a kitchen-grinder I normally use to make carrot-salad or things like that.
Let´s see how my Bialetti worked with a bit different shredded coffee beans😂
I've been having sleep issues for some years...and I have reason to believe they're linked to use of technology, but I don't know for sure yet. Give it till after summer. I have recently introduced an evening routine to my life, and with that I've had no more issues falling asleep. The routine is to clean up the kitchen somewhere around 10pm and then go to bed and read in a physical book. Or for people willing to copy but in need of other activities, anything that keeps you away from phone and computer should be fine. Presumably, screenlight is faking daylight to the human brain, thus inhibiting sleep. And it gets only worse when you throw doomscrolling into the mix, or something else that is external and might disturb your peace right before you want to sleep.
...But I still struggle with getting out of bed. Putting the alarm in a different room or stuff like that is useless for me, I'll just hit the button and go back to bed, or on the worst days, completely ignore it.
A physics book because You find it so boring or because this is a thing You like?
For me it is podcasts, but it should be fictional. Maybe the voice is different then and it makes me fall asleep. Like the fairy-tales cassettes in childhood.
@@katzenbekloppt2412 Physical, not physics! Not a digital book, but a book made of real paper. I do kinda want to try audio books too at some point because why not, except I haven't yet looked into them at all.
@@Dreykopff Oh😯! Haha, then this is classic language-missunderstanding😅 English is not my mother-tongue, I am half german grewing up and living here and half argentinian. Use online-dictionaries a lot reading and writing here. But just if I think I don´t know a word... that was a tricky one🤣🤣🤣
If You try out longer things like audio-books (podcast-episodes mostly are up to an hour) then I advise using something where You have a sleep timer. I had to learn that our brain/body wakes up lightly several times at night and checks if everything is okay and safe to go on sleeping. And it can be disturbing if then is a voice talking and You wake up totally. This must not be a problem for You, just check it out not to get a bad effect on your sleep looking for a good.
@@katzenbekloppt2412 In Argentinien kann man sich gut mit den fettesten Steaks vollfressen ohne überhaupt was dafür zu bezahlen, hab ich gehört!
I'm in my 50's with my Dx 2 years ago. One thing I've always struggled with is emotions. They hit me strong, and fast. Or.. not at all, and it's never been something I could control. So keep on having your caffeinated conversations. And what could be more emotional that the moment we received our Dx. It is an enlightenment that enlists happy and sad feelings all at once.
The online autist community feels like my group of friends just now. Important next to close family. You are doing a great job!
I often tear up quickly when someone asks me a real question, whether it is about my autism or otherwise. The authenticity and the idea that someone wants to see me and genuinely connect with me is very moving to me. It can quickly bring up some very deep emotion. Maybe it is tapping into some deeply held grief over lack of connection, but they seem like the tears of sensing something beautiful.
It is an emotional thing! It completely re-frames one’s childhood, and old memories can suddenly hold new meanings. Thanks for having Irene on the podcast! I think she is really cool too. She has such a way of putting tough concepts into words. I’m only halfway through, and I can’t wait to finish it!
Claire, I started to feel the tears come up when you started to cry. I know exactly the feeling you mean. I was diagnosed 2 yrs ago at 41. I still grapple with the diagnosis.
Theres so many feelings. It feel like a boiling pot of water with the lid on. Its really great you have a supportive network. Your tears may also be a result of sharing while feeling safe with someone. Its overwhelming. Going through all these yrs being misunderstood and having someone validate you just by asking questions. You feel seen ...really seen. Im glad you shared. I think many late diagnosed autistic folks especially women share your same feelings. I definitely do ❤️
Thank you for sharing. I get what you said about the past life. I never felt accepted then and even when. I came out as autistic I was met with such hostility and rejection that now I'm afraid of any interactions with past life people and have become more reclusive than ever.
I've just gotten diagnosed at 49, it's throwing me a loop also. I've been melting down big time! Having said that, it's worth it to finally have an explanation!
There's nothing wrong with your emotions, in fact the people who would say there is, are the disordered ones,imo!
Thank you, for this video and for all you do demystifying all this!
And as an opera singer, whose life is their main stim: You keep singing,girl! I love your voice!
You are not alone with what you are experiencing. Always happens to me as well. I think - for me - it might be grief that I feel because whatever person they knew never existed as I was masking in full. Now I do not know how to reconcile the person they think i am versus who I am really am and should have always been unmasked. I have pretty much cut out any acquaintances from my past and avoid putting myself in situations where this may happen. I also think that it’s grief for me because I will never be able to express the deep trauma of my life not knowing I was autistic. Even after I try you can tell they have no clue which then makes me so sad that no one can come close yo relating to my world. It is pointless snd makes me cry harder . (I was diagnosed about 1 year ago at age 58. )
you put it very eloquently, that it's overwhelming because they are people that knew you before you knew your true self. I have the same difficulty and emotional response, though I find it hard to even tell people that I want to know because I think it's easier for them to keep pretending like my autism isn't there. Then it's sad that those people will always be missing a huge part of what makes me me. I don't have a conclusion either but I just wanted to say that you sharing your experiences and feelings certainly helps me feel less emotionally isolated so thank you
SO relatable, Claire! I was diagnosed Autistic and ADHD at 44. Never apologize for your feelings! ☀✨🌈
Claire, it makes total sense that you would feel emotional when meeting up with people/friends who knew you before your diagnosis. Those people remind you of your life before your diagnosis. And even though your life is better now, post-diagnosis, you are facing the need to grieve the loss of your “previous life”, which is totally natural. I think it would help to let the tears flow, because that would help you now and in the future. Eventually the tears would be less, because you are allowing them to flow. And also look upon all the new, wonderful aspects of your life now, which bring you happiness and a sense of gratitude.
I know that exact feeling and I'm running into it a lot lately. It doesn't have one specific cause, but I think a big part of it is the complex grief you have for the person you thought you were supposed to be, because the person you're interacting with and the question they're asking is pulling you into that tug of war of self-understanding that'll never be fully resolved.
Dear Claire, thank you for being volnurable and authentic. I feel for and with you and totally resonate with those feelings when talking about my diagnosis. There are a million different emotions all at once. Just to mention a few: relief, grief, overwhelm, hope, gratitude, desperation and many more for which I have no words. And they all want to come out at once and I end up in tears. Tears hard for others to understand and to know how to interpret and deal with. And hard for me to sit with and share because it shuts down the whole conversation and all eyes are on me and I don't know what to say if I can even get a word out. But I have realized that the ones that sit with me and give me the time and space I need to reregulate and ground myself again - they are my true friends and people worth having in my life and worth putting energy into the friendship. 💝
Thank you again for a wonderful authentic and meaningful Porch Coffee!
Yours, Ella
P.S. I didn't sleep well last night either and am having a not so good day. But time with people like you make my day a little easier. Thank you again!
Could that emotional reaction be from something that you might have forgotten, or maybe something that you might not think is related?
I don't get emotional in day to day, beyond getting frustrated over how hard it seems to get people to understand. And the anger/frustration some people makes me from their posts on social media.
Being a person that never wanted to fit in, i dont have any experiences regarding that and what that does to you.
Thank you for talking about this, Claire🌸 I’ve been through so many cycles of grieving, processing, and thinking I’m now totally fine since my autism diagnosis 3+ years ago. There seems to be so many layers I gradually need to get through. It’s often so unexpected, and can hit hard.😢
Thank you for your vulnerability Claire. I look at porch coffee like a visual letter from you updating us on your week and we respond in the comments, it's a conversation with the ability to take your time and not have to worry about the social ques you have to worry about with in person interactions. I also understand that emotional hit you take when talking about your diagnosis and thinking about everything pre diagnosis. I feel like it is processing and accepting things how they were and holding yourself accountable while freeing yourself and processing past emotions and slowly letting go of all of the confusion, misunderstanding, judgment etc. It's like you feel every single emotion all at once and it bubbles out in tears and that is absolutely ok. You have created an amazing community and I appreciate every single part of it. Sending you love, grace, joy, and peace.
You are such a ray of sunshine. Your emotions make you human and genuine. You are doing a great job talking about it. This happens to me too.
This was really powerful. I really identify. I just discovered I have been dysregulated my whole life, in fight or flight.
I do have sleep issues, have had my whole life. Had two sleep studies down and just told I need a lot of sleep 🙃 I also have nightmares every night and night terrors every week or so. This is my first time watching one of these, I appreciate your vulnerability. I'm late diagnosed, August 2022 and I'm turning 38. I have a lot of grief around my diagnosis that I know I'm still processing. I'm really struggling at the moment, it's good to know I'm not alone.
I've noticed that higher masking individuals seem to have stronger emotional reactions to their diagnoses. For low masking individuals, there's no process of rediscovering ourselves, we're mostly gaining language for things we already knew about ourselves, and we've often processed a lot of the hard stuff long before autism is even on our radar, and what we still may be processing suddenly makes a lot more sense when we learn about autism. My formal diagnosis, therefore, wasn't a huge emotional event for me. That doesn't mean I don't wish I'd known 20 or 30 years ago, but it does make a difference as to the experience.
Yes, I am low masking and I felt happy for about 10 months after diagnosis. I thought that it would improve my mental health. Now I am sad because it didn't make as much of a difference as I thought it would. I have been diagnosed for about 13 months.
Edit: I am still glad that I was diagnosed.
Grump... Someone left an interesting-looking comment and TH-cam seems to have hidden it between when I got the notification and when I tried to read the whole thing.
@@JonBrase Still shows on my side
Lol, I got the notification for your follow up comment (to the effect that the original is visible on your side), and now I can see the original and not the follow-up.
TH-cam these days is kind of a mess...
@@JonBrase I can't see my follow up now either!
I don't know what would be offensive! But 🤷🏻♀️
It's brave to be vulnerable & we all appreciate you Claire, sending love & virtual hugs your way xxx
So helpful to hear this shared while working through my (late-in-life) ASD diagnosis of a few months ago. Thanks so much for sharing, Claire! You're the best! Keep up the good work on your channel!
I think I need to start telling myself, "if I'm thinking too hard about something, then it's probably fine, 'cause maybe other people don't think so hard about it." (@16:14) Several times a day.
Thank you for being vulnerable and posting this. I don’t have exactly that kind of waive of emotions when talking about my diagnosis but I can imagine how there’s all kinds of complex emotions and thoughts going on at a moment like that. Regardless the emotions, it can overwhelm and make you tear up I would imagine.
People saying you’re just doing this for attention or sympathy are just pathetic bullies.
I love your channel and watch porch coffee every week. Seems to be one of the most authentic autism streams out there. Also glad you didn't cut out the crow noise. Might i suggest making the crochet stuff on a separate channel, not for any reason other than it might help the algorithm promote your videos. Please don't take it the wrong way I'll subscribe to the crochet channel also 😁
Thanks for keeping up the morning coffee chats. I look forward to it. A bit late commenting today because I had a difficult weekend, but seeing your friendly face always helps 🫶
Thank you for sharing the vulnerability, it's very brave to put it up. It really helps me not feel so alone in it. I cried with you, because - same. It's really overwhelming. I was diagnosed 2 years ago at 41.
Your emotions and your expression of them are valid, and you are brave. I have not yet crossed the bridge where I can be open about my autism with more than a tiny number of people, but there have been times when discussing it with some of them has severely tested my ability to keep my emotions in check. After a little more than a year, I still worry about the possible reactions of my oldest friends, and I still grieve over what my younger self endured. You are entitled to your honest, natural emotions, and I admire your ability to share them.
Hi, I'm new to your channel. I found you when I was looking for "dying green hair on brown hair," and I came across your video using Lunar Tides. I liked them all and, of course, subscribed. I am also super thrilled you're autistic because I am too, and so I'm thinking I was drawn to your videos for a reason. I always believe in signs and vibes.
I was recently diagnosed with Autism and Adhd. I am 44 years old, by the way. I cry tears for many reasons... I see you lovely. It's totally beautiful to see you sharing your processing thoughts. I should probably do my own channel too someday, but at the moment, I'm juggling studying (mental health), working as a Disability Support Worker and trying to go to the gym for my adhd. Wanted to say I'm here and fully support you and love that you're Autistic like meeee.
I really appreciate you sharing your feelings on here! 🙏🏼
Hi again! I just joined the MUG CLUB! ☕️. Can’t wait!💕🙏
Welcome!!
We will support you! You are brave and we are here to listen. Thank you!!!!!
Hey Claire, I wanted to reach out and send you a virtual hug over the pond. I have not been diagnosed yet, as you know but I'm almost ready to put myself on the list after 2½ or 3 years of research etc. I seem to get the same reaction when I'm asked about the bullying I had a school, and was fighting the tears back in the chat i had with the assessors at the end if the first session for both my girls when they had their ASD assessment. It is the only thing that really seems to catch me off guard and I'm not someone who tears up easily. I think for me it is unprocessed trauma. May be there is some grieving there for you with the struggles you faced pre diagnosis and those struggles and more at the forefront of your memory when you see people from your past? I don't know. I think it takes time to process stuff like that, and it's not easy. Thank you for being you and it's entirely up to you what you have on your channel. Oh yes and I'm building a chest if drawers for mybson at the moment and im struggling with allowing myself time to devote to that enormous cross stitch i have started. No plans for me this week either. I will always watch porch coffee no matter what you discuss, you are part of my monday mornings now, rhank you for the company. Have a good rest of your week Claire. 😊
I felt these emotions as you were talking. thanks for being vulnerable and authentic!!!
Hi Claire.I for one understand what you are sharing.I can have all of these thoughts about my life as an autistic person running around in my brain and my emotions are in check most of the time but if another person is involved and I have to verbalize what is in my head then oh boy!It's like I'm caught off guard and the emotions just take over.This happened to me when I was sharing with my therapist about my love for a certain autism movie.I think this is good in a clinical setting but for me it is kind of embarrassing at other times.makes me hesitant about how much I want to share.Well done video.I appreciate it.
That vulnerability will always feel frightening, but it does feel like growing into myself...
I usually find the answer is in my stomach. If I feel worse thinking about a thing, that's the bunny. I guess that's the way it is. Orion said something similar. But acceptance is weird, once what you fear is taken away from you, things can be super raw. You feel alone in the moment. I remember I left a job and there was a big thing , I didn't think anyone had noticed me or would really miss me, but loads of people turned out and I totally broke down. Obviously couldn't speak and stood there sobbing, not knowing whether I wanted to laugh, cry or vanish. (It was mostly vanish!)
Also I promise to look out for the non-ASD content :)
That seems odd to me, not talking about your journey but referring to how you still have those feelings about it. Closest version to that is when i think about my dad who died 3 decades ago, thinking about the missed possibilities with him gone, beyond that having reactions like yours is unknown to me. Wonder if that could be considered a sign one has autism in some form.
Odd🥺??? That sounds harsh to me.
@@katzenbekloppt2412 why harsh? How does a gap in my understanding, in what i am accustomed to, percieved as harsh to you or anyone else?
As others have pointed out, please don’t consider the people who accuse you of having negative motives or negative anything for that matter.
I am newly diagnosed at 49 and have been crying daily since I found out a little over a month ago.
Your vulnerability is helping me feel like there is a community out there for me, I just need to figure it out.
We can do this without having to listen to allistic criticism.
Lot of us in and around our 50s here. I’m still very new to actual knowledge that I’m autistic (as opposed to “yeah, I act autistic sometimes”). What has been hard for me most recently is the recognition that almost all of my relationships have been severely affected by the maladaptive behaviors I chose because of shame I felt about not being able to interact as a normal person. I tried to disappear, even from my own kids, and I did a damn good job. I can be in the same room but invisible. And now I don’t know how to fix the relationships.
I hope you feel better Claire. Thank you for your courage speaking about this, I think it will help a lot of people. Hugs ❤
I have cried (or wanted to) when people ask me questions like that. Sometimes I think it is because it has been so seldom that someone has shown genuine interest and care about my life that I am just flooded with emotion, from all the parts that have been neglected and because of the kindness that I am receiving, it's overwhelming. Other times I think it is that I just have not thought about how I have been feeling and that just opens the door so emotion pours in. I feel like so often I don't give myself the attention I need and then when something like this happens, I am forced to reckon with my feelings and I feel like I just wanna cry. Like they just gave you the space to share about something that is such a part of you and your life on so many levels. It makes sense you would have strong emotions come up. I relate to you questioning yourself as to why you teared up, I always appologize and say "I don't know why I am crying". Thanks for sharing your experience. It helped me realize what I was going through in those times and why I cried and that it was okay for me to do so. So often we second guess ourselves, this is something I am intentionally trying to end in my life. If I want to react a certain way, I should, there is probably a reason for it. I don't have to have a preconcieved idea about how I should act. Or assume I am not qcting how I should (because throughout my life I have been told I am not acting correctly). I have to look put for my self, on one else can. I like to think of the little me inside, I am doing it for her. She deserves it and so do you. ❤️
Also someone finally asking!!! Instead of dismissing. ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing Claire 💞👊. Relate. Wish I was able to cry and know and express my emotions. Very hard to share this diagnosis as my family is pretty dysfunctional. It’s as if “.oh it’s your thing, I’ll let you handle it” 💔😥💞👊🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
“When nothing else feels right, I can still crochet something” 😢yes, me too! I don’t have an Etsy shop, but it feels good to make gifts for loved ones.
I thrifted my very first yarn this weekend, I’ve been so excited to share! I found 9 hanks of Knit Picks fingering weight yarn - which is my favorite weight, stim-wise. Retails for $72+shipping, and I only paid 12 🥰
whoa that was an amazing deal
Thank you for sharing Claire, and thank you for the little song at the end😊🎶
A late diagnosis is a lot to digest - there's so much re-processing of the past that happens. I wouldn't be surprised if you're grieving what your life might have been like if you had been diagnosed earlier in life. If so, that's totally normal; I had a very similar thing happen to me when I realized I was trans as an adult (and now I'm doing the same thing as I am putting together that I am most likely autistic, too). Acknowledging and accepting your grief is important - don't push it away (that won't work anyway - it'll just come up again later, often at an inconvenient time). But it can also be tricky if you tell yourself that things should have gone differently. Just remember that there is no optimal path through life. Anything the mind comes up with - "it would have been easier/better if..." - is all just speculation. But your feelings are valid, and you don't need to find a "why" in order for it to be ok to sit with them. The thing is - if you just let yourself experience the emotions, they will shift and dissolve on their own.
From my perspective, the overwhelm of explaining our new understanding of ourselves to people who knew us before relates to our difficulty with change and the unexpected. We're going through a journey of self discovery and now we're confronted with a piece of our past and have to catch them up. It's reliving the experience of letting go of our old sense of self and building our new awareness while trying to find the language that will explain that experience to someone who missed out on our journey and may not understand.
I hope you do reach out to get some help via a mental health professional if you are on the fence - it really saved my life.
"If I'm thinking too hard about something, then it's probably fine, because maybe other people don't think so hard about that" NAILED IT! I have to tell myself this like 7 times a day. I do understand how you're feeling, it makes perfect sense to me, and probably even more sense than my own sense. Also, from what I understand last week was weird for everyone. I know it was for me. But here we are on the other side.
I think meditating on the experience will help, slowly identifying the exact emotions that are arising, and then slowly pondering why each emotion might be happening.
E.g. "Are these tears of sadness? Fear? Regret?" Then "Why might this situation be making me afraid?" And "Is there anything common between these contexts?" Etc.
I'm trying to take things slowly myself, because autism presents in so many different ways, that I don't want to accidentally gatekeep or cause scandal. So I haven't had a ton of conversations about it yet, and I openly mention that I'm still learning a ton about it, too.
I relate to this so much. Thank you for sharing Claire!! ❤❤❤ Hope you have a great week!!
I'm 64 and fairly recently self diagnosed. I get what you're saying. My life has been a little bit tough, even without the autism. I lost both parents 10 days before my 18th. birthday and had no other family support. What I went through I wouldn't wish on anybody. These days when somebody is just kind to me it often nearly brings me to tears and touches me on a very deep level. It can be the slightest thing and for me it has a lot of impact. I've been very lucky to have met a good partner and managed to buy my own house, etc. For a 64 year old Scottish biker it can be a bit embarrassing to be brought to tears over some small kind act.
as a late diagnosed 23 now i feel more understood
Hahahaha you lost me at “it just has to rain” 😂😂😂
Your presence is so soothing. It’s always a highlight watching your videos. 😊 I appreciate the work you put into your videos and I also love the conversations you have with other people on the spectrum. ❤ 😊
Ooh, need to catch up on your chat with Irene. Saw it was there but have not found time yet. Sounds like a good one! Yes, relate very much to the executive dysfunction. My week was full of such moments. I also had a couple of mini meltdowns in assisting my adult autistic kiddos. Not pretty, but we all bounced back and got through the necessaries, thankfully. Yes to the processing and the emotions involved in explaining. They are just there, bubbling up Some for me is that my PTSD goes bonkers as well. Thank you very much for opening up and sharing the harder stuff. It is very helpful to feel not as alone. Proud of you. Blessings on your week, friend. ❤
Your emotions are very valid and understandable. Don't be ashamed or afraid to show them. They are what makes us human!
When I think back on life, and all the struggles, and even things that weren't a struggle, but had to be done differently or managed in a different way because you had to find a way to be in the world while trying to fit in. It always seems to bring up strong emotions to the point of tears because you were essentially left to deal with the struggles that everyone deals with, and on top of that you also have to deal with yourself when your body doesn't seem to listen, while others have no issues doing things that seem almost insurmountable to you.
This, among other things for me, is the reason why I experience those strong emotions.
Thank you for being so very open about this _life changing barely begins to describe it _Last week learning about how my body handles (my just being in the world) constant nervous tension _others see it _I simply don't -Hoping I have found ways to enable me to learn to manage this -and the sheer exhaustion that still working full-time leaves me in by the end of each week -Be you and don't look back
This is your channel, so make videos about what you want. No one is forced to watch. For me, the videos about autism have helped me immensely with my own self-acceptance. And the excitement and passion in your videos about yarn (and such) bring me such joy. Your emotions are valid and welcome. Keep being your authentic, autistic self. Keep sharing videos about your interests. Keep talking. Keep having coffee with us. I promise we'll be here as long as you do.
You are so safe in all your feelings thank you for being real and ❤brave .
Commenting for Al - I don't have anything interesting to say about my week! 💚
🤗because it is nice to feed the algorythm
TH-cam just asked me to rate your comment lol ticked off excellent for showing appreciation for the channel creator 👍
@@ironfirehorse2 haha, great
@@ironfirehorse2 really?! Never heard of that before! Thank you for rating my comment excellent 💚
I found that this happened when I initially got diagnosed. I dont have a lot of close friends. So, it would only happen when a memory from pre diagnosis comes up. I think its feeling empathy for my past self struggling. Then being hard on myself and now seeing how bad people treated me for my issues. I hid it well. You are fine. I found myself even crying while listening to a podcast for neurodivergents. Someone brought up echolalia. She was describing what it was. I instantly started crying because I thought I do this. I now understand myself more. It was a wave of emotion. You should explore these feelings. It doesnt bother me.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability Claire it’s lovely and refreshing and I think desperately needed. The episode with Irene was incredible, I appreciate you both deeply. To your point about why you get emotional when talking about your diagnosis with people you knew beforehand. I’ve noticed ~for me~ that it’s almost a shame reaction that they.. even if I was close with them.. had connected with a masked version of myself (to varying degrees) since I didn’t even know myself (like you said). Even though that’s not my fault and subconscious protection, I feel exposed now. And the overwhelm of understanding how do we connect knowing what I know now and what do they think about it? It’s really hard and I understand. 🖤