When I was first diagnosed, I would advocate for myself by using the diagnosis as part of my explanation for why something wasn't working for me. In the end, I found that ended with people seeing me differently and treating me differently. Now I say things like "I don't like it when strangers touch me like that. Please stop." or "the music in here is so loud, I can't hear you clearly. If you want me to hear we are going to change the environment" "something in here has a very strong smell that is distracting me. Can we...." This clearly expresses WHAT is bothering me and WHAT I need/want to happen to improve the situation in a calm and polite way.
Yes, another good phrase is, "I'm the type of person who..." explaining how you are/what you need rather than outing yourself and facing ignorance and prejudice from people.
At the time I was diagnosed, there really wasn't this sort of representation with Fern's refreshing interview, at least in the public domain except for in forums exclusively for people who identified as autistic or only really the NAS where it was easy to conclude that somehow ASC was an outsider experience often drawn on tightly diagnostic lines; either you belonged or you didn't. I think consent is highly relevant in this context and this is perhaps not so widely reflected in the discourse around autism. I recognise that I might risk alienating others by mentioning my autism but I think it's an identity that we should be proud of, not shirk away from. The prevalence of autism diagnosis, to generalise massively, is because we're getting better at detecting it sooner rather than it being an indication that the rates are becoming more prevalent in the population - whilst I might personally disagree with aspects of the diagnostic process. I guess as I got diagnosed later in life, I feel it's important to qualify it having known the cost of masking. Sure, sometimes I wish I didn't feel the need to but I try to reason that if you are at least being seen to make the effort to build that space and saliently asking for an accomodation, hopefully, it can trigger a conversation that sets off a wave. If someone is unwilling to engage, that is their loss. I think in the autistic mindset, perhaps influenced by what we've been told directly or indirectly in society, it can be convenient to deflect from our weaknesses and view it as as being damage limitation, I think with a growth mindset and with the right support, I think it is generally positive to open up to people up, autistic or not, by sharing it. My confidence in people being receptive of course varies with my own individual experiences, but I know those who I want to keep in my life (we have to hold onto an ideal, right?) are those have told me that they value the connection we have in spite of my autism and you can visibly see the 'aha' moment on their faces when they get it.
I have been telling people so that I can keep the right people and filter the ableists out of my life. But I haven't told strangers or anything (other than online), I think I'd feeli like vomitting if I tried!
I've never seen this podcast before, but the fact that you turned down the lighting before Fern came on without her needing to ask you to do it ensures that I'll keep watching. This is perhaps one of the most nontoxic male-led spaces that I've seen on the internet. Wonderful. ❤
I really appreciate this interview with Fern. As a 54 year old, black, woman who was recently diagnosed, I appreciate her sharing her experience and information about navigating life as an autistic woman. I also appreciate that she gave statistics and referenced studies that back up her points. I loved that she talked about how black people or other people of color aren’t taken seriously as being autistic and how dangerous it is for us when we unmask or are having meltdowns in public. I pray that with better awareness about autism that neurotypical people will have more compassion and empathy towards autistic people. I also hope that people like me learn to love themselves and show compassion and grace towards themselves as they move within the neurotypical world.
I'm 52 just getting diagnosed. I hope you are able to love, like, and accept yourself too. This has been a beautiful experience and an overwhelming one at times. Reexamining my life, the shame and guilt have lessened. I'm also ADHD and the combination has caused me so much pain. Having a name, reason, lable, I don't know but it helps me to let go of a lot of negative self judgement. There's not a failing in who we are. We've tried hard enough to fit in and live neurotypical lives. We've worked hard enough to fit in with neurotypicals. We do life the only way we can which is neurodivergently. ❤
Also I feel so grateful that Fern talks about meltdowns, i still have them at 37 and often feel so ashamed about them. But knowing I'm not alone really helps.
@@MrAndywills I couldn't agree more. They can also be a result of burn out as well. Just plain overwhelmed by life results in a real low tolerance for anything.
@@pistachioracle This is a good way to put it, and has definitely been my experience as well. I've notice that the things that bother me, often bother others, however they have a greater tolerance for it. So, in effect, i'm the canary in the coal mine.
Meltdowns are so discouraging! I kept waiting to “grow out” of them. I found out I’m autistic at 22, and strangely enough, understanding why the meltdowns happened made them less severe because I stopped judging myself so harshly and trying to keep it in.
The other difficult part about self advocacy is working out what you actually need, especially when you have been conditioned over years to just accept what is imposed on you and / or have delayed interoceptive processing. I find that when I’m given a choice about something in the sensory environment, it takes me a long time to work out if I’m ok with it or not. But those who have control over the environment typically want an immediate answer.
I've found this difficult in a broad sense with my ADHD. In a new work environment I don't know what I need until there's a problem. Now their policy says not to bring up disabilities unless I say something, but I've found it difficult to know what I can ask because they don't offer anything and don't check in. So I'm left to struggle on until things get really serious. I know it would be annoying to have someone always checking in with you, but there's definitely a way it can be done occasionally without it feeling othering.
I deal with this in emotional situations. I often don't realize something has upset me until some time has passed and I've been able to reflect. It makes it even harder to set boundaries with people when I don't even know what they are until a week after they're crossed
I get that too having had a late diagnosis. I'd say that when I raise with neurotypical people in the workplace (something that I'm increasingly thinking I cannot support) that I'm needing an accomodation, there is the implication that somehow I should be grateful that immediately creates a conditionality, not realising the amount of sensory overwhelm and the code switching I have had to do in my communication up until that point. I think there's a tendency, and it might be that I do reference my autism when making requests, that others perceive that I'm personally addressing/sleighting them but that the accomodation I'm asking for, communication-based, still exists and is the difference between me engaging neutrally, where I'm to some extent filling in the gaps but producing work that passes muster or having a structure that I can work with to know how much effort/energy to allocate proportionately to the task. It should be received as an invitation that not only do I want to get the work right but that it allows me to leverage my attention to detail and other skills. Although, don't get me wrong, whilst I would like to feel a sense of belonging in my work, the group identity isn't a powerful enough incentive because I know the personal cost having masked for so long without my support needs getting picked up. Seeing others resigned to how little influence they have in making a difference is as overwhelming as the sensory environment. There's an inherent contradiction, at least when I got my diagnosis, that in order to manage your autism successfully, there is a level of socialisation you must adopt to 'fit in' but I'm finding that this is unrealistic to sustain for myself and others who identify as autistic as it diminishes any individual variation in how we communicate and treats it as though it is a symptom rather than a strength.
@@IshtarNike Started a new job last year. I was contract climbing before starting at this tree service as an employee so I was used to having certain tools and gear available at all times, and much of it was not provided. I used to park at the shop instead of on the street, then when the crew rolled out I would follow in my truck. This apparently was an issue. One of the sales guys would check in with me regularly about whether or not I needed anything that wasn't currently on the truck. He really helped me get settled. It may be that one of the ways they could implement a check in would be to have a company check in. That way it doesn't single you out, AND there may be others at the company that would benefit as well, whether they are ND or NT. Say a manager, depending on the size of the company, or an assigned person, checks in with one person a day.
I love Fern. I will be probably one of many autistic people coming to this comment section to say similar thing, but I feel I have to say it: she's doing so much of a good work for all of us. She's successful and funny, people want to watch her and so she has a voice. And she decided over and over again to use her voice to speak for all of us.
That was insanely good. Fern took on the role of a representative of the autistic community being armed with statistics, research and empathy for our struggles which made me feel so seen as a late diagnosed black autistic woman finding her voice. I especially loved her mention of Elijah McClain and Ryan the other wrongfully killed young autistic black boy and the dangers of being not only autistic but also black. Gracefully presented with compassion too. Thank you Fern and thank you to the hosts for leaning in with consideration and care the way you did.
Loved Fern on Taskmaster, loved her book, and loved her on the podcast. I was so moved by her book, and so moved that she wrote it while she was 'in the thick of it'. Thank you for this episode!
My guess is that neurotypical people see autistic people (those who are ‘highly functional’) being capable of a lot of things that they themselves are capable of, not realizing how much more it costs an autistic person to do those exact things. - And in their head, ‘the math is mathing.’ They see the big picture and default into thinking we as autistic individuals must have little to no issues doing the exact same thing as they, as neurotypical individuals do. Simply because we might mask our struggles so well. At least that is my experience.
Yes. Completely agree. I tell people that 'high functioning' is really just a neurotypical person's label for 'well you're easier to deal with for ME'. It completely devalues how hard it is for the autistic person to mask. It's like being from a wildly different culture, say a person from the Bugis tribe of Indonesia and being airlifted into downtown Paris with no support and expected to fake being French/Parisian 16 hours a day. Some of us CAN do that with a lot of practice, but it's exhausting AF, incredibly unfair and often abusive as an expectation.
The fact that you turned the lights down for her makes me wanna cry. I would appreciate it too, I always have had headaches from the bright lights at work, back when I was in hs, in stores, etc. So sweet.
Love Fern. Saw her on Taskmaster just after having my own late-in-life AuDHD diagnosis, and I recognised some of the similarities so quickly. The averted eyes while we process what's being said, the holding our own hand or arms for sensory input. It's surreal to see someone doing something and be like "oh! I know what that is!" and then you realise that must be what NT feel all the time with each other, and conversely, how much we don't see ourselves in neurotypicals.
They think they are saying we're all the same, but "for us it’s minimizing this whole secret world of struggling with sensory issues, and trying to cover it up and never really knowing what people mean when they say stuff, and being in a constant state of cognitive dissonance because neurotypical people tend to not always mean what they say or say what they mean." So true.
Fern said that autistic people often ask a lot of questions just to get information and certainty, but overstep implicit boundaries and hierarchies. I got into trouble a lot for that. My teachers have often addressed me sarcastically, just because I asked a lot of questions. I don't really have the social sophistication to respond to the subtleties of social hierarchies, so I just try to be respectful and kind to everyone. This often isn't enough. When I first met the head of my graduate program I got into a big argument with him. He tried to bully me intellectually, and I wasn't having it. It's an aspect of neurotypical culture that I hate. He thought he was acting normally, but he was using his place in the hierarchy as the "final word" against my more measured arguments.
Fern in school sounds like me in school, and after school. Sigh. I used to hide in the library and be so quiet in class and then meltdown at home. Not knowing I was autistic growing up was hellish and I nearly didn't survive my teens. I became a singer and that saved me, because I could hardly talk to people and I became homeless at 16, so performance art was a lifesaver for me.
Fern Brady is awesome. 53 late diagnosis AuDHD Forgotten Australian now based in the UK. Masking, is exhausting, your trying to concentrate on the conversation, the environment, what's my face doing? Am I making enough eye contact? Try not to fidget, while lights, noise, smells colours are overwhelming and this is constant in public. Often people will tell me something really important and if I don't react straight away, they think I don't care, but it takes me time to process things sometimes.
As a late diagnosed austic man, I relate to Fern's mentioning liking repeating things. I am a teacher who teaches the same lesson 8x per week. I work on my lessons like comedy routines. By the end of the week, I have a great lesson that hits all the marks. I know how to modulate my voice and expressions for maximum effect.
This conversation was amazing. My first time watching this channel, so thanks for having Fern on. Her voice is an important one. We need more autistics in general, but also autistic women representation.
35:00 AND work. Autistics are mentally and emotionally navigating ALL that, AND then expected to go to work and perform at the same level as NTs (neurotypical). So it’s a lose / lose situation because there will always be a deficit. This is why education around autism is so important! Great convo! 👏🏻👏🏻
I would add, with all the "superpower" and "high functioning" talk that non-neurotypicals are expected to out perform neutotypicals. When it comes to unaliving ourselves we certainly do.
I used the fizzy bottle analogy in the early 80s and one of the challenges I've had since I was in my teens was learning how to release the pressure throughout the day because meltdowns seemed to exhaust me more than help release pressure. I know not everyone is able to do this, but I was able to manage them by employing strategies of self care throughout my life. I'm nearly 70 and rarely have a melt down since I was in my early teen years. These strategies are simple things: like making time for myself even at work... I'd get up and walk to speak to a co worker rather than pick up a phone. That gave me time alone and used large muscles (thighs and butt) which reduces stress. When visiting anyone for a weekend or if people were visiting me, I always laid down for a nap (I rarely napped, I mostly read, but I had time to myself.) Since I was doing this from a young age, everyone just expected it... yes, i was quirky and weird, but I knew what I needed and so did it. When going to a noisy restaurant with a group, I might check out my disassociating for a few moments if things were particularly loud, and I always asked not to be seated near the kitchen or wait station (as I found th clanging utensils overwhelming). I unscrewed overhead light bulbs or asked to be moved to a table without a light, moved flower arrangements, got up and adjusted blinds, and so on. Unashamedly. Yes, I know some people thought I was a pain in the ass or impudent, but doing versus asking sure beats those stupid conversations with people that are so demoralising. (I'm sensitive to chemicals and so had to ask those questions and that was enough.) When going to a party, I'd spend time with the family dog or go outside and look at the night sky alone or hang out in the bathroom as much as needed or leave if things got too much for me. With family, I can go lie down during a holiday event for a break. The host will often check in and be lovely. For them, this is just me taking care of me and no comment on them or their company. In the workplace, I managed to ensure I ended up with small office spaces with just me or one other person. I tried to get natural light and where I couldn't I'd turn off overheads and have my own table lamp and floor lamp. If I had to share a space, I'd go outside for my breaks and lunch no matter the weather -- the same if I couldn't avoid florescent lights. I'd even wear dark sunglasses if I had to. These were absolutely essential accommodations I made for myself. It was a conscious effort... paying attention to the cues we get via our body (which is hard to do I know) and just knowing myself. No pretending I was normal even if I wanted to be normal because I knew what the consequences would be if I tried to pretend. I simply cannot handle being around others and not having time to myself or bright lights, etc..
I didn’t know the lack of a localized accent was an overlooked potential indicator of autism. Being from MA and being the only family member who doesn’t sound like Mark Wahlberg puts some stuff in perspective.
Huh. I've been told (by Germans) when speaking (in Germany, at the time) German (which I know a little of, but am not fluent in, but can pronounce if I'm reading, even if I don't understand it all) that I "don't have an accent". This always sort of seemed implausible to me, especially since I know I still don't quite have certain sounds down. But I guess maybe my autism plays into this? I certainly do make an effort to really grok how things sound, and replicate them, so... maybe this is related to what you're talking about, and you've just replicated the "General American accent" (as used by newscasters and such), whereas I was replicating German speakers??
My accent fits nowhere, and changes everywhere I live. These days it's more Scottish, but there was a period of time when I'd constantly be getting asked where I'm from, with people guessing everywhere from South Africa to Canada to Ireland and more. There were a couple of occasions when Dutch people I was serving in a restaurant thought I was Dutch. In my late teens and early 20s my accent was a form of received pronunciation, and earlier than that it was a West Midlands accent, but never quite matched that of my peers. It's definitely an autism thing.
back when i actually socialised i used to get irregularly mistaken for being either english or american, despite spending my whole life in australia eventually i worked out a big factor in this was where whichever tv show i'd been bingeing around that time was made, so it was no surprise to discover that autists are mimics ps: also sometimes in my 20s when i'd get supahigh i'd start to sound like a pickpocket. this fact is probably mostly unrelated to the 'tism
@@DavidLindes I lived in Poland for a while, and when I was there, I pronounced the common phrases so well that locals didn't know it was my second language until we got past the greetings and I started to stumble.
I know I’ve commented a lot on this video but I love seeing that the longer this podcast went on the more Fern is herself more like she is presumably less masked as she has adjusted to the situation and all you guys. So seeing her being more obviously comfortable with you and making more jokes about autistic things is great to see.
First time seeing your faces 😂 I always listened to your podcasts on Apple podcasts, but discovered you have a channel here too. Thanks to Fern, I learned about my autism. So grateful for her being vocal about it! 🙏 Yes, me too: My life makes so much sense now!
I was diagnosed at 35 and didn't start advocating for myself until I kept being gaslit and discriminated against. It is like we need autistic pride and appreciation, not "awareness". We aren't a disease. It's weird that neurotypicals think we want attention. I just want to not be bullied constantly and live with less stress like neurotypicals get to do in comparison. That's all. It's not difficult. I am liberal and don't understand why wanting equality and to express yourself is a bad thing or being a "diva". It's not. It's just trying to be allowed to exist. I also relate so much to the anti-depressants. They are made for neurotypicals to feel more comfortable around you. They numb you and are exhausting. I can't live like that. And they don't solve the problem: neurotypicals treating you like crap or not getting accommodations.
Something I’ve learned from listening to her is just how much effort she has to put into making the rest of society feel comfortable. The world would be a more pleasant place to exist if we weren’t all pretending to be someone else. Thanks for having her on your show. Awareness is the key to changing attitudes.
I watched one of her stand ups yesterday for the first time. Soooo hilarious! I'm an autistic woman myself and it's so awesome to have representation in comedy by Fern. She is my favorite funny public person now. I'm late diagnosed with ASD2 and ADHD, at 50. I also have a background in performance art as a vocalist/dancer/songwriter and I've done a smigeon of stand up comedy too. It was really good for me to get diagnosed, trying to keep up with neurotypical people was seriously burning me out. I'm an Aussie. Aussie Autist, has a real ring to it. I'm coming out of a long burn out hiatus. I have had a very rough trot of it. Myself I am very passionate about autism advocacy, being so late diagnosed; finding out I'm Autistic has been instrumental in healing shame-based identity injury (cptsd) and helping me form a more positive idea of myself.
This is brilliant. I clicked on the video out of curiousity and now I'm an hour in. So much of her experience resonates with my own world view. I'd love to get a diagnosis but it's so expensive as an adult. Thankfully, listening to conversations like this one goes a long way to helping me unpack my own brain.
What one of men said (sorry I don't know your names) resonated with me. As an autistic person I am struggling to live in a world not designed for me then on top of that I have to advocate for myself. It adds another layer of work for me to do and it's no wonder I find it so hard. So thanks man. Also as someone else commented advocating for yourself is a real minefield, I feel sometimes like I have to tell people I'm autistic so they respect my needs but at the same time I really shouldn't have to. But it's only been a year so I hope one day to be confident enough to say this is what I need and not care what people think of me.
Buying her book straightaway! Subscribing to your channel. Thank you algorithms. Thank you Fern. The fresh air the world needs. Thank you Imperfects. X
It took me several years in the office to learn the basics of small talk. Now I have a bunch of ADHD and ASD friends who say what they mean and mean what they say, and, frankly, IDGAF if someone else can't align words with meaning; it's their problem. Don't want me to overshare? Ask what you really want to hear, it's easy :)
So good. I appreciate Fern Brady for putting her self out there and making the world a little bit better for autistic people and the show for providing her a space for it. And the lighting was so thoughtful. Thank you.
Meanwhile, me an autistic-adhd woman in the US struggling with employment with no medical insurance... "an occupational therapist and a sensory diet you say?" * sigh* In all seriousness, this was an excellent interview. I really appreciate Fern Brady. She is a great voice for autism. Thank you for this interview.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in Dec 2023 at the age of 41, I have many autistic traits. I enjoyed this so much and thank Fern for her courage. Unmasking is hard but being on an unscripted podcast whoa neurodivergent nightmare! I laughed out loud many times and cried as well. Thanks Fern & boys xx
refreshing to see Fern being so open. thank you. As someone diagnosed in adulthood, i identified with virtually everything she pointed out. Also, kudos to the interviewers for being so respectful and supportive and obviously caring about Fern. Some of these are topics/themes that can be used for a quick cheap laugh and they kept it 100% on topic and from a place of empathy. I'm glad to see 23k people have watched this.
Hey, I am new here (I thank the algorithm gods). Thank you for this podcast and for introducing me to Fern's work. I am an autistic woman myself, I discovered this at age 29, and I am deeply touched by everything Fern says here because it's extremely relatable. I didn't strip or do foot porn, but the rest of it is on point!!! It is very relieving to hear Fern express her views on marriage both here and in her Netflix special because it's 100% my take on it, and exactly the way I explain it to my friends and family. I'm happy to see I'm not alone.
I love what she says about meltdowns in the book. It really helped me understand what was happening with mine. The alexithymia, the smashing things for unknown reasons, and the sheer exhaustion of masking (what she say here about speaking a foreign language 16 hrs a day that you'll never be fluent in) all the time. I'm male, but her and Hannah G, have helped me so much understanding what's going on. I can't say enough how funny she is, how intelligent, how insightful, and how grateful I am to have found her comedy and her book.
0:18 I feel like my ADHD prevented me from having much confusion on this point. I didn't have to understand neurotypical social cues to answer the question concisely because my list of plans for tomorrow was generally "wing it".
I love Fern and what she says at 1:09:15 really resonated with me because I also had my diagnosis delayed by someone telling me "we're all on the spectrum." Ironically, I think it's quite likely that the person who said that to me is also undiagnosed so *HE* is (probably) on the spectrum, but allistic people are absolutely not "a little on the spectrum," they're allistic.
Im a 55 year old woman with a CPTSD diagnosis which does have nuerodiverse symptoms that overlap with Autistic symptoms (and ADHD) but a lot of what Fern is saying about social cues and meltdowns Ive attributed to being an only child and just being a difficult shithead. My kids' childhoods were rough due to my meltdowns. Even had a short hospitalization. Working through the guilt. I am so appreciative of Fern's openness and I am excited to read her book. Thanks for the podcast!
I could have listened to this interview for even longer. Absolutely marvellous. You guys are so very lovely and sensitive. Fern...you expeessed yiurself so wel,.
You guys were so kind to Fern and took her needs into consideration rather than what most Neuro Typicals I’ve found (I’ve ASD by the way) that just shoehorn you into fitting into their world. I’ll keep up with this podcast. New Subscriber.
I ended up in an adolescent psych hospital too, at the end of year 10. Eating disorder, self harm, school refusal, hiding in my closet, deep depression. Sigh. The trails of being an Autistic and traumatized teenage girl. 51 and still trying to recover from being undiagnosed for 50 years. I'm doing ok though. My psychologist tells me I'm "thriving" but that's only with disability support. I'm unemployed but hugely talented (sorry if that sounds too big note-y) I can't drive yet but with disability support, I do think life is looking up for me.
It’s like hearing my own life story. Shockingly similar. Thank you for giving Ms Brady this platform 🙏🏽 Thank you Ms Brady for talking about your life🙏🏽 I feel so heard
There’s so many points to this video I can relate to and love. I love the android/apple analogy. At work I definitely find communication flow better with other ND people. I also don’t have the same accent as where I come from. We’re so similar in this attitude towards death. Mine came after I survived cancer. It really changes your outlook on life. 28:36 made me cry
Stripping... it was reading a book called Songs of the Gorilla Nation about an autistic woman who was also a stripper at one point that clued me in that I was autistic... even though I'd never been a stripper nor had I worked with Gorillas. I'd never considered autism before, but in her narration, I got to see someone who thought like I did. I read the book at age 48 thinking it would be interesting to learn about her story never realising I'd be discovering myself.
One of the best interviews on the subject I have seen on TH-cam. Fern is brilliant and funny as always. Keep up the good work guys and thanks for thinking of the lighting before having the guest on, way to do your research.
Really great interview. I'm not sure who to address in these comments, but Fern's book is what really helped me see myself and my actions as autistic when I was first discovering what it was and wondering if it was okay to even think of myself as autistic. Forever grateful to her for talking about meltdowns because I didn't know what was wrong with me and I couldn't get anything that fit right from Google. I accept myself and take my problems a lot more seriously now, which lets me deal with them instead of having meltdowns every three days and being chronically stressed and not knowing what any of it was related to.
Love Fern and her vulnerable courage in sharing her experiences. On Taskmaster, I knew there was more and searched out her background. This is so enlightening. I'm a recovering neurotypical.
Fern, this was incredible to listen to. Thank you for being so brave to talk about this. The more I hear people like us talk, the more heard I feel without speaking. This really helps, I mean really really helps. Knowing I’m not alone, we are not alone, there are more of us, it’s validating and liberating in ways. Knowing there are others who know the language, I don’t feel so foreign? I can communicate, but it’s easier to talk to one of us, we make more sense to others like us?
I find it so wild that we are constantly gaslighted into thinking accomidating autistic peoples needs is soooo hard....and then in this one interview ive cried nearly 3 times because these men are so invested in making sure Fern is comfortable and having a good time... it's just so touching... I relate so deeply to Fern bc ive tried so hard to "not be autistic" and now that im finally starting to accept it and love myself despite the challenges it's just so nice to have my life experience mirror back to me and see that we can thrive and things can get better...
What Fern was talking about planning for death in a way that’s not super attached is reminiscent of stoic training. The notion of imagining what things would be if they were worse with the view of preparing for bad things to happen so you can remain poise and in control of your faculties. It also happens to make you appreciate stuff you have way more.
I kind of relate to that theory .... one of my favorite sayings is "Prepare for the Worst, Hope for the Best" and my other favorite one is "Live, Laugh, Love .... When all else Fails .... Load Aim Fire" lol
Omg Fern you said: an excuse to be difficult, left wing blue hair, I'm not a diva." Yes. So relate to you in so many ways. 52 years old just getting diagnosed. Being bullied, story of my life at school and work, still. I've never felt like I fit in anywhere, even with the outcasts. For the first time in my life I feel like I fit in. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤
I love listening to interviews with fellow autistic people. I also love to crunch dry leaves when I'm walking. I'll like walk a little winding path to get all the good ones.
Late-diagnosed ASD1 (male) here, just discovered Fern's standup last week via Netflix and yeah, her experience is very relatable. Thanks so much for giving her such an open-structured chunk of time to chat!
Having some control over the situation makes a huge difference for sensory stuff for me. I was really worried about having people in renovating the bathroom next door to my home office but that was a lot less stressful than when the neighbour uses a line strimmer four times further away because I knew at any time I could ask the tradies to stop if I really needed them to and they would. It's unexpected, unanticipateble noise that you have no control over that really triggers me particularly if it goes on for a long time and keeps popping in and out randomly - things like other peoples' dogs barking, fireworks, kids screaming in a nearby yard, etc.
Diagnosed at 58 in Australia I loved this so much I am learning so much all the time about autism and I have been autistic for 61 years and just getting to know myself it is weird!
This was such a wonderful, wonderful conversation . First time seeing your channel and really loved this. Love what amazing listeners and fantastic questions you had. You guys seem like really cool and thoughtful fellows.🫶 Thank you for doing this! Love Fern Brady and Love hearing a voice out there representing someone like me. Incredibly similar lives just like she was describing another woman had said "we have the same life!" 🫠😅🥰 Thanks Fern! You are such an amazing person and i love your style ! ❤🌹❤
I run into this just by chance, but this podcast is for me very relatable, I selfdiagnosed myself with AuDHD.. the ADHD part was last piece of the puzzle, but now it too obvious, so I am still doubting the autistic part.. and this was so revalidating. Thank you! And the fact that both Hitch and Sam Harris was mentioned melted my hearth. Instant subscribe!
I'm a huge fan of Ms. Brady's comedy. I also read and loved her book. This interview was great. I learn so much every time I hear her and this format was great.
There are 2 episodes of the Belgian podcast 'Nerdland', where they recorded 2 'special" episodes about Autism. In these specials, they invited a few guests who are also diagnosed with autism. They give tips and tricks for how to interact with autistic people, but also the problems that they have to deal with. Not just the daily struggles from certain inputs, but also trying to find a job. Because appearantely, as soon they tell the interviewer that they are diagnosed with autism, it is almost like hitting a 'you-are-not-getting-this-job' kill switch. Although they are definitely (over) qualified for the job they are trying to apply for... Some friends of mine have a daughter who is also diagnosed with autism, and thanks to the tips from the Nerdland podcast, i can also interact with her a bit better, and i can put myself 'in her shoes' sometimes. I really enjoyed this episode, and i think Fern is a great comedian! Thanks for the episode!
Thank you, Fern! This interview helped me understand myself better, and my childhood, and the friends I have now (both NT and ND). I feel so much better when I understand.
I relate! It's exhausting. I live life without social media and still feel like a spotlight is intentionally seeking for any excuse to put me down as a narcisist. I also continually underestimate this resentment.
50+ undiagnosed. I have watched a lot of Fren's material and bought the book, she is one of my favorites. This video in particular got into details that are very eye opening and she shared a lot of details that resonate that I have not heard other folks mention before.
I recently got my ASD diagnosis at the age of 32, content like this is really helpful to me. It's really interesting to hear other autistic people's experiences.
I wasn't diagnosed autistic with ADHD until this year at the age of 43. My life feels essentially over. I spent 6.5 years in the military and ended up injuring my back, getting 2 titanium rods along with a spinal fusion, I require another spinal fusion in my neck, arthritis in my ankles, hands, and spine, Also, found bipolar II disorder when I was getting sober off of IV drug use and opiates, along with PTSD from my time deployed. What's really crazy, or I guess affirming for me is listening to her speak about her autism. Mine is the same way. My skin will burn in a sense when people I don't want to touch me, touch me, or when I get touched at the wrong time, I don't like to put myself out there too much, but I get told by people especially family that I'm extremely needy, and always asking for this or for that. My therapist says that I grew up neglected and that's where the bipolar II began setting in. The "weirdness" my mother and father noticed, but didn't persue, was the autism and adhd. Hearing her descriptions about what she goes through reminds me a lot of what I deal with, not identical, but the touch thing, not telling people every single thing you are going to do tomorrow lol, masking feeling like a foreign language. All that is true for me as well.
This is the most recent podcast I’ve seen of fern talking about her autistic experiences and it’s once again a great one. I especially appreciate her talking about the concerns about advocacy around autism myself as it’s something about her I appreciate about her a lot. I was only diagnosed in November 2021 at 25 and my response to both being diagnosed and the self diagnosis prior to the “official diagnosis” was marked with a lot of imposter syndrome and feeling like a lot of my feelings were invalid (I still have this a lot especially with my later ADHD diagnosis) and her talking about how autistic representation now is something I am also scared to talk about.
Re: hugging. Just a small example of a huge problem in society. We don't have an "ask" culture. Everyone makes assumptions, behave certain ways, and treat people how they think they're supposed to without asking.
yes. Also many people have been physically and/or sexually abused, and aren't okay with paople hugging without asking first. When I don't know the person's preferences, I ask "are you a hugger?" before touching or hugging. unfortunately, i've noted several women will say 'no' or 'not really' and still reach out to hug...i try not to avoid that hug because they are owed respect, and I don't take it personally.
HAHAHA I thought everyone loved Susan Boyle the whole time and I just watched it again and thought the same thing. At least my autistic “not getting it” works in my favor a lot of the time 😂
![[Live สด] การออกรางวัลสลากกินแบ่งรัฐบาล งวดวันที่ 16 ธันวาคม 2567](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/dNTiBBthKgQ/mqdefault.jpg)
When I was first diagnosed, I would advocate for myself by using the diagnosis as part of my explanation for why something wasn't working for me. In the end, I found that ended with people seeing me differently and treating me differently. Now I say things like "I don't like it when strangers touch me like that. Please stop." or "the music in here is so loud, I can't hear you clearly. If you want me to hear we are going to change the environment" "something in here has a very strong smell that is distracting me. Can we...." This clearly expresses WHAT is bothering me and WHAT I need/want to happen to improve the situation in a calm and polite way.
Yes, another good phrase is, "I'm the type of person who..." explaining how you are/what you need rather than outing yourself and facing ignorance and prejudice from people.
This is game changing. Thank you.
Good tools.
At the time I was diagnosed, there really wasn't this sort of representation with Fern's refreshing interview, at least in the public domain except for in forums exclusively for people who identified as autistic or only really the NAS where it was easy to conclude that somehow ASC was an outsider experience often drawn on tightly diagnostic lines; either you belonged or you didn't. I think consent is highly relevant in this context and this is perhaps not so widely reflected in the discourse around autism. I recognise that I might risk alienating others by mentioning my autism but I think it's an identity that we should be proud of, not shirk away from. The prevalence of autism diagnosis, to generalise massively, is because we're getting better at detecting it sooner rather than it being an indication that the rates are becoming more prevalent in the population - whilst I might personally disagree with aspects of the diagnostic process. I guess as I got diagnosed later in life, I feel it's important to qualify it having known the cost of masking. Sure, sometimes I wish I didn't feel the need to but I try to reason that if you are at least being seen to make the effort to build that space and saliently asking for an accomodation, hopefully, it can trigger a conversation that sets off a wave. If someone is unwilling to engage, that is their loss. I think in the autistic mindset, perhaps influenced by what we've been told directly or indirectly in society, it can be convenient to deflect from our weaknesses and view it as as being damage limitation, I think with a growth mindset and with the right support, I think it is generally positive to open up to people up, autistic or not, by sharing it. My confidence in people being receptive of course varies with my own individual experiences, but I know those who I want to keep in my life (we have to hold onto an ideal, right?) are those have told me that they value the connection we have in spite of my autism and you can visibly see the 'aha' moment on their faces when they get it.
I have been telling people so that I can keep the right people and filter the ableists out of my life. But I haven't told strangers or anything (other than online), I think I'd feeli like vomitting if I tried!
I've never seen this podcast before, but the fact that you turned down the lighting before Fern came on without her needing to ask you to do it ensures that I'll keep watching. This is perhaps one of the most nontoxic male-led spaces that I've seen on the internet. Wonderful. ❤
Same!!🤗 thanks for articulating this! I totally agree!!!🥹
Agreed ❤
Totally agree!!
Made me happy tear up! Such respectful, genuine effort to understand & connect.🙏🏼
such nice men
I really appreciate this interview with Fern. As a 54 year old, black, woman who was recently diagnosed, I appreciate her sharing her experience and information about navigating life as an autistic woman. I also appreciate that she gave statistics and referenced studies that back up her points. I loved that she talked about how black people or other people of color aren’t taken seriously as being autistic and how dangerous it is for us when we unmask or are having meltdowns in public. I pray that with better awareness about autism that neurotypical people will have more compassion and empathy towards autistic people. I also hope that people like me learn to love themselves and show compassion and grace towards themselves as they move within the neurotypical world.
I'm 52 just getting diagnosed. I hope you are able to love, like, and accept yourself too. This has been a beautiful experience and an overwhelming one at times. Reexamining my life, the shame and guilt have lessened. I'm also ADHD and the combination has caused me so much pain. Having a name, reason, lable, I don't know but it helps me to let go of a lot of negative self judgement. There's not a failing in who we are. We've tried hard enough to fit in and live neurotypical lives. We've worked hard enough to fit in with neurotypicals. We do life the only way we can which is neurodivergently. ❤
Also I feel so grateful that Fern talks about meltdowns, i still have them at 37 and often feel so ashamed about them. But knowing I'm not alone really helps.
Still get them at 55. No need to feel ashamed. I found it's often down to how toxic the environment/situation is that brings on meltdowns.
@@MrAndywillsyes. Definitely this.
@@MrAndywills I couldn't agree more. They can also be a result of burn out as well. Just plain overwhelmed by life results in a real low tolerance for anything.
@@pistachioracle This is a good way to put it, and has definitely been my experience as well. I've notice that the things that bother me, often bother others, however they have a greater tolerance for it. So, in effect, i'm the canary in the coal mine.
Meltdowns are so discouraging! I kept waiting to “grow out” of them. I found out I’m autistic at 22, and strangely enough, understanding why the meltdowns happened made them less severe because I stopped judging myself so harshly and trying to keep it in.
The other difficult part about self advocacy is working out what you actually need, especially when you have been conditioned over years to just accept what is imposed on you and / or have delayed interoceptive processing.
I find that when I’m given a choice about something in the sensory environment, it takes me a long time to work out if I’m ok with it or not. But those who have control over the environment typically want an immediate answer.
I've found this difficult in a broad sense with my ADHD. In a new work environment I don't know what I need until there's a problem. Now their policy says not to bring up disabilities unless I say something, but I've found it difficult to know what I can ask because they don't offer anything and don't check in. So I'm left to struggle on until things get really serious. I know it would be annoying to have someone always checking in with you, but there's definitely a way it can be done occasionally without it feeling othering.
I deal with this in emotional situations. I often don't realize something has upset me until some time has passed and I've been able to reflect. It makes it even harder to set boundaries with people when I don't even know what they are until a week after they're crossed
@@IshtarNikeif you’re in the UK, look up Access to Work. It’s a government scheme that may be able to help.
I get that too having had a late diagnosis. I'd say that when I raise with neurotypical people in the workplace (something that I'm increasingly thinking I cannot support) that I'm needing an accomodation, there is the implication that somehow I should be grateful that immediately creates a conditionality, not realising the amount of sensory overwhelm and the code switching I have had to do in my communication up until that point. I think there's a tendency, and it might be that I do reference my autism when making requests, that others perceive that I'm personally addressing/sleighting them but that the accomodation I'm asking for, communication-based, still exists and is the difference between me engaging neutrally, where I'm to some extent filling in the gaps but producing work that passes muster or having a structure that I can work with to know how much effort/energy to allocate proportionately to the task. It should be received as an invitation that not only do I want to get the work right but that it allows me to leverage my attention to detail and other skills. Although, don't get me wrong, whilst I would like to feel a sense of belonging in my work, the group identity isn't a powerful enough incentive because I know the personal cost having masked for so long without my support needs getting picked up. Seeing others resigned to how little influence they have in making a difference is as overwhelming as the sensory environment. There's an inherent contradiction, at least when I got my diagnosis, that in order to manage your autism successfully, there is a level of socialisation you must adopt to 'fit in' but I'm finding that this is unrealistic to sustain for myself and others who identify as autistic as it diminishes any individual variation in how we communicate and treats it as though it is a symptom rather than a strength.
@@IshtarNike Started a new job last year. I was contract climbing before starting at this tree service as an employee so I was used to having certain tools and gear available at all times, and much of it was not provided.
I used to park at the shop instead of on the street, then when the crew rolled out I would follow in my truck. This apparently was an issue. One of the sales guys would check in with me regularly about whether or not I needed anything that wasn't currently on the truck. He really helped me get settled.
It may be that one of the ways they could implement a check in would be to have a company check in. That way it doesn't single you out, AND there may be others at the company that would benefit as well, whether they are ND or NT. Say a manager, depending on the size of the company, or an assigned person, checks in with one person a day.
I love Fern. I will be probably one of many autistic people coming to this comment section to say similar thing, but I feel I have to say it: she's doing so much of a good work for all of us. She's successful and funny, people want to watch her and so she has a voice. And she decided over and over again to use her voice to speak for all of us.
Beautifully put.
That was insanely good. Fern took on the role of a representative of the autistic community being armed with statistics, research and empathy for our struggles which made me feel so seen as a late diagnosed black autistic woman finding her voice. I especially loved her mention of Elijah McClain and Ryan the other wrongfully killed young autistic black boy and the dangers of being not only autistic but also black. Gracefully presented with compassion too. Thank you Fern and thank you to the hosts for leaning in with consideration and care the way you did.
I love listening to her. So many revelations about something I’ve been bothered with myself all my life.
Loved Fern on Taskmaster, loved her book, and loved her on the podcast. I was so moved by her book, and so moved that she wrote it while she was 'in the thick of it'. Thank you for this episode!
As a late identified autist, Fern's description of school and transitioning from primary to secondary rings so many bells.
I noticed you used "late identified", not "late diagnosed". Is this a way to create space from the medical model of autism?
@@reed6514 Autism is my neurology, it's not a disease.
My guess is that neurotypical people see autistic people (those who are ‘highly functional’) being capable of a lot of things that they themselves are capable of, not realizing how much more it costs an autistic person to do those exact things.
- And in their head, ‘the math is mathing.’
They see the big picture and default into thinking we as autistic individuals must have little to no issues doing the exact same thing as they, as neurotypical individuals do. Simply because we might mask our struggles so well.
At least that is my experience.
💯
@@KelliBrown-k8o 👍🏼😊
Bingo
Well said
Yes. Completely agree. I tell people that 'high functioning' is really just a neurotypical person's label for 'well you're easier to deal with for ME'. It completely devalues how hard it is for the autistic person to mask. It's like being from a wildly different culture, say a person from the Bugis tribe of Indonesia and being airlifted into downtown Paris with no support and expected to fake being French/Parisian 16 hours a day. Some of us CAN do that with a lot of practice, but it's exhausting AF, incredibly unfair and often abusive as an expectation.
YES on people thinking it's a "leftie blue haired attention seeking" diagnosis! Thank you guys for having this conversation ❤
The fact that you turned the lights down for her makes me wanna cry. I would appreciate it too, I always have had headaches from the bright lights at work, back when I was in hs, in stores, etc. So sweet.
Love Fern. Saw her on Taskmaster just after having my own late-in-life AuDHD diagnosis, and I recognised some of the similarities so quickly. The averted eyes while we process what's being said, the holding our own hand or arms for sensory input. It's surreal to see someone doing something and be like "oh! I know what that is!" and then you realise that must be what NT feel all the time with each other, and conversely, how much we don't see ourselves in neurotypicals.
You wrote it so beautifully 😍 yes to all of this 😭
They think they are saying we're all the same, but "for us it’s minimizing this whole secret world of struggling with sensory issues, and trying to cover it up and never really knowing what people mean when they say stuff, and being in a constant state of cognitive dissonance because neurotypical people tend to not always mean what they say or say what they mean." So true.
Fern said that autistic people often ask a lot of questions just to get information and certainty, but overstep implicit boundaries and hierarchies. I got into trouble a lot for that. My teachers have often addressed me sarcastically, just because I asked a lot of questions. I don't really have the social sophistication to respond to the subtleties of social hierarchies, so I just try to be respectful and kind to everyone. This often isn't enough. When I first met the head of my graduate program I got into a big argument with him. He tried to bully me intellectually, and I wasn't having it. It's an aspect of neurotypical culture that I hate. He thought he was acting normally, but he was using his place in the hierarchy as the "final word" against my more measured arguments.
Can relate.
Fern in school sounds like me in school, and after school. Sigh. I used to hide in the library and be so quiet in class and then meltdown at home. Not knowing I was autistic growing up was hellish and I nearly didn't survive my teens. I became a singer and that saved me, because I could hardly talk to people and I became homeless at 16, so performance art was a lifesaver for me.
Fern Brady is awesome. 53 late diagnosis AuDHD Forgotten Australian now based in the UK. Masking, is exhausting, your trying to concentrate on the conversation, the environment, what's my face doing? Am I making enough eye contact? Try not to fidget, while lights, noise, smells colours are overwhelming and this is constant in public. Often people will tell me something really important and if I don't react straight away, they think I don't care, but it takes me time to process things sometimes.
As an AuDHDer (late-diagnosed), I relate to all of what you said.
As a late diagnosed austic man, I relate to Fern's mentioning liking repeating things. I am a teacher who teaches the same lesson 8x per week. I work on my lessons like comedy routines. By the end of the week, I have a great lesson that hits all the marks. I know how to modulate my voice and expressions for maximum effect.
This conversation was amazing. My first time watching this channel, so thanks for having Fern on. Her voice is an important one. We need more autistics in general, but also autistic women representation.
35:00 AND work. Autistics are mentally and emotionally navigating ALL that, AND then expected to go to work and perform at the same level as NTs (neurotypical).
So it’s a lose / lose situation because there will always be a deficit.
This is why education around autism is so important! Great convo! 👏🏻👏🏻
I would add, with all the "superpower" and "high functioning" talk that non-neurotypicals are expected to out perform neutotypicals. When it comes to unaliving ourselves we certainly do.
I used the fizzy bottle analogy in the early 80s and one of the challenges I've had since I was in my teens was learning how to release the pressure throughout the day because meltdowns seemed to exhaust me more than help release pressure. I know not everyone is able to do this, but I was able to manage them by employing strategies of self care throughout my life. I'm nearly 70 and rarely have a melt down since I was in my early teen years.
These strategies are simple things: like making time for myself even at work... I'd get up and walk to speak to a co worker rather than pick up a phone. That gave me time alone and used large muscles (thighs and butt) which reduces stress.
When visiting anyone for a weekend or if people were visiting me, I always laid down for a nap (I rarely napped, I mostly read, but I had time to myself.) Since I was doing this from a young age, everyone just expected it... yes, i was quirky and weird, but I knew what I needed and so did it.
When going to a noisy restaurant with a group, I might check out my disassociating for a few moments if things were particularly loud, and I always asked not to be seated near the kitchen or wait station (as I found th clanging utensils overwhelming). I unscrewed overhead light bulbs or asked to be moved to a table without a light, moved flower arrangements, got up and adjusted blinds, and so on. Unashamedly. Yes, I know some people thought I was a pain in the ass or impudent, but doing versus asking sure beats those stupid conversations with people that are so demoralising. (I'm sensitive to chemicals and so had to ask those questions and that was enough.)
When going to a party, I'd spend time with the family dog or go outside and look at the night sky alone or hang out in the bathroom as much as needed or leave if things got too much for me. With family, I can go lie down during a holiday event for a break. The host will often check in and be lovely. For them, this is just me taking care of me and no comment on them or their company.
In the workplace, I managed to ensure I ended up with small office spaces with just me or one other person. I tried to get natural light and where I couldn't I'd turn off overheads and have my own table lamp and floor lamp. If I had to share a space, I'd go outside for my breaks and lunch no matter the weather -- the same if I couldn't avoid florescent lights. I'd even wear dark sunglasses if I had to. These were absolutely essential accommodations I made for myself.
It was a conscious effort... paying attention to the cues we get via our body (which is hard to do I know) and just knowing myself. No pretending I was normal even if I wanted to be normal because I knew what the consequences would be if I tried to pretend. I simply cannot handle being around others and not having time to myself or bright lights, etc..
Thank you. This was helpful to read.
Fern is incredible. It's like looking in a mirror hearing her talk about her experiences.
I didn’t know the lack of a localized accent was an overlooked potential indicator of autism. Being from MA and being the only family member who doesn’t sound like Mark Wahlberg puts some stuff in perspective.
Huh. I've been told (by Germans) when speaking (in Germany, at the time) German (which I know a little of, but am not fluent in, but can pronounce if I'm reading, even if I don't understand it all) that I "don't have an accent". This always sort of seemed implausible to me, especially since I know I still don't quite have certain sounds down. But I guess maybe my autism plays into this? I certainly do make an effort to really grok how things sound, and replicate them, so... maybe this is related to what you're talking about, and you've just replicated the "General American accent" (as used by newscasters and such), whereas I was replicating German speakers??
My accent fits nowhere, and changes everywhere I live. These days it's more Scottish, but there was a period of time when I'd constantly be getting asked where I'm from, with people guessing everywhere from South Africa to Canada to Ireland and more. There were a couple of occasions when Dutch people I was serving in a restaurant thought I was Dutch. In my late teens and early 20s my accent was a form of received pronunciation, and earlier than that it was a West Midlands accent, but never quite matched that of my peers.
It's definitely an autism thing.
back when i actually socialised i used to get irregularly mistaken for being either english or american, despite spending my whole life in australia
eventually i worked out a big factor in this was where whichever tv show i'd been bingeing around that time was made, so it was no surprise to discover that autists are mimics
ps: also sometimes in my 20s when i'd get supahigh i'd start to sound like a pickpocket. this fact is probably mostly unrelated to the 'tism
Huh, never thought about that...
@@DavidLindes I lived in Poland for a while, and when I was there, I pronounced the common phrases so well that locals didn't know it was my second language until we got past the greetings and I started to stumble.
I know I’ve commented a lot on this video but I love seeing that the longer this podcast went on the more Fern is herself more like she is presumably less masked as she has adjusted to the situation and all you guys. So seeing her being more obviously comfortable with you and making more jokes about autistic things is great to see.
First time seeing your faces 😂 I always listened to your podcasts on Apple podcasts, but discovered you have a channel here too. Thanks to Fern, I learned about my autism. So grateful for her being vocal about it! 🙏 Yes, me too: My life makes so much sense now!
I was diagnosed at 35 and didn't start advocating for myself until I kept being gaslit and discriminated against. It is like we need autistic pride and appreciation, not "awareness". We aren't a disease. It's weird that neurotypicals think we want attention. I just want to not be bullied constantly and live with less stress like neurotypicals get to do in comparison. That's all. It's not difficult. I am liberal and don't understand why wanting equality and to express yourself is a bad thing or being a "diva". It's not. It's just trying to be allowed to exist. I also relate so much to the anti-depressants. They are made for neurotypicals to feel more comfortable around you. They numb you and are exhausting. I can't live like that. And they don't solve the problem: neurotypicals treating you like crap or not getting accommodations.
So true!
I completely agree with you.
Something I’ve learned from listening to her is just how much effort she has to put into making the rest of society feel comfortable. The world would be a more pleasant place to exist if we weren’t all pretending to be someone else. Thanks for having her on your show. Awareness is the key to changing attitudes.
6:25 "Sorry, I'm a hugger." "Oh, that's okay; I'm a puncher."
Omg I’m using this 😂😂😂
😂
I watched one of her stand ups yesterday for the first time. Soooo hilarious! I'm an autistic woman myself and it's so awesome to have representation in comedy by Fern. She is my favorite funny public person now. I'm late diagnosed with ASD2 and ADHD, at 50. I also have a background in performance art as a vocalist/dancer/songwriter and I've done a smigeon of stand up comedy too. It was really good for me to get diagnosed, trying to keep up with neurotypical people was seriously burning me out. I'm an Aussie. Aussie Autist, has a real ring to it. I'm coming out of a long burn out hiatus. I have had a very rough trot of it. Myself I am very passionate about autism advocacy, being so late diagnosed; finding out I'm Autistic has been instrumental in healing shame-based identity injury (cptsd) and helping me form a more positive idea of myself.
This is brilliant. I clicked on the video out of curiousity and now I'm an hour in. So much of her experience resonates with my own world view. I'd love to get a diagnosis but it's so expensive as an adult. Thankfully, listening to conversations like this one goes a long way to helping me unpack my own brain.
What one of men said (sorry I don't know your names) resonated with me. As an autistic person I am struggling to live in a world not designed for me then on top of that I have to advocate for myself. It adds another layer of work for me to do and it's no wonder I find it so hard. So thanks man.
Also as someone else commented advocating for yourself is a real minefield, I feel sometimes like I have to tell people I'm autistic so they respect my needs but at the same time I really shouldn't have to. But it's only been a year so I hope one day to be confident enough to say this is what I need and not care what people think of me.
Indeed🎉
I apprecaite how Fern answered all 3 questions in one. She is so honest, creative and intelligent. How impressive. ❤ Is that normal? 😂
Diagnosed at 61. This has been soooo validating thank you.
Buying her book straightaway! Subscribing to your channel. Thank you algorithms. Thank you Fern. The fresh air the world needs. Thank you Imperfects. X
Fern is delightful & I appreciate her sharing her story & journey.
56:00 we dont recognize hierarchy, people get mad about the questions we ask
Literally didn't realize til this intro that when people ask what my plans are for a day they don't want line items 😢
It's OK, we're all always learning and different people have different "blind spots" - now you know and grow 😊
Ha ha. These days I think it doesn't matter at all. Maybe *they're* the ones who aren't speaking *my* language. They ask at their peril!
Same 💀
It took me several years in the office to learn the basics of small talk. Now I have a bunch of ADHD and ASD friends who say what they mean and mean what they say, and, frankly, IDGAF if someone else can't align words with meaning; it's their problem. Don't want me to overshare? Ask what you really want to hear, it's easy :)
So good. I appreciate Fern Brady for putting her self out there and making the world a little bit better for autistic people and the show for providing her a space for it. And the lighting was so thoughtful. Thank you.
Thanks for making us neurotypicals aware of your struggles, Fern!
Meanwhile, me an autistic-adhd woman in the US struggling with employment with no medical insurance... "an occupational therapist and a sensory diet you say?" *
sigh*
In all seriousness, this was an excellent interview. I really appreciate Fern Brady. She is a great voice for autism. Thank you for this interview.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in Dec 2023 at the age of 41, I have many autistic traits. I enjoyed this so much and thank Fern for her courage. Unmasking is hard but being on an unscripted podcast whoa neurodivergent nightmare! I laughed out loud many times and cried as well. Thanks Fern & boys xx
First time watching this and super impressed by the compassionate active listening of the hosts ❤
refreshing to see Fern being so open. thank you. As someone diagnosed in adulthood, i identified with virtually everything she pointed out. Also, kudos to the interviewers for being so respectful and supportive and obviously caring about Fern. Some of these are topics/themes that can be used for a quick cheap laugh and they kept it 100% on topic and from a place of empathy. I'm glad to see 23k people have watched this.
Hey, I am new here (I thank the algorithm gods). Thank you for this podcast and for introducing me to Fern's work. I am an autistic woman myself, I discovered this at age 29, and I am deeply touched by everything Fern says here because it's extremely relatable. I didn't strip or do foot porn, but the rest of it is on point!!! It is very relieving to hear Fern express her views on marriage both here and in her Netflix special because it's 100% my take on it, and exactly the way I explain it to my friends and family. I'm happy to see I'm not alone.
I love what she says about meltdowns in the book. It really helped me understand what was happening with mine. The alexithymia, the smashing things for unknown reasons, and the sheer exhaustion of masking (what she say here about speaking a foreign language 16 hrs a day that you'll never be fluent in) all the time. I'm male, but her and Hannah G, have helped me so much understanding what's going on. I can't say enough how funny she is, how intelligent, how insightful, and how grateful I am to have found her comedy and her book.
0:18 I feel like my ADHD prevented me from having much confusion on this point. I didn't have to understand neurotypical social cues to answer the question concisely because my list of plans for tomorrow was generally "wing it".
I’ve just been diagnosed for autism, aged 45. This interview has helped me in so many ways. Thank you guys and thank you Fern.
I love Fern and what she says at 1:09:15 really resonated with me because I also had my diagnosis delayed by someone telling me "we're all on the spectrum." Ironically, I think it's quite likely that the person who said that to me is also undiagnosed so *HE* is (probably) on the spectrum, but allistic people are absolutely not "a little on the spectrum," they're allistic.
Im a 55 year old woman with a CPTSD diagnosis which does have nuerodiverse symptoms that overlap with Autistic symptoms (and ADHD) but a lot of what Fern is saying about social cues and meltdowns Ive attributed to being an only child and just being a difficult shithead. My kids' childhoods were rough due to my meltdowns. Even had a short hospitalization. Working through the guilt. I am so appreciative of Fern's openness and I am excited to read her book. Thanks for the podcast!
I came here as a fan of Fern and left as a fan of the channel as well! Superb stuff, chaps!
I absolutely love Fern, YT served me her stand up to me before I got my own diagnosis. Amazing what the algorithm knows! Highly recommend her book! 💜
I could have listened to this interview for even longer. Absolutely marvellous. You guys are so very lovely and sensitive. Fern...you expeessed yiurself so wel,.
You guys were so kind to Fern and took her needs into consideration rather than what most Neuro Typicals I’ve found (I’ve ASD by the way) that just shoehorn you into fitting into their world. I’ll keep up with this podcast. New Subscriber.
It was a great book. My Nan bought for me and I’m glad she did.
I ended up in an adolescent psych hospital too, at the end of year 10. Eating disorder, self harm, school refusal, hiding in my closet, deep depression. Sigh. The trails of being an Autistic and traumatized teenage girl. 51 and still trying to recover from being undiagnosed for 50 years. I'm doing ok though. My psychologist tells me I'm "thriving" but that's only with disability support. I'm unemployed but hugely talented (sorry if that sounds too big note-y) I can't drive yet but with disability support, I do think life is looking up for me.
It’s like hearing my own life story. Shockingly similar. Thank you for giving Ms Brady this platform 🙏🏽 Thank you Ms Brady for talking about your life🙏🏽 I feel so heard
There’s so many points to this video I can relate to and love. I love the android/apple analogy. At work I definitely find communication flow better with other ND people. I also don’t have the same accent as where I come from. We’re so similar in this attitude towards death. Mine came after I survived cancer. It really changes your outlook on life.
28:36 made me cry
Stripping... it was reading a book called Songs of the Gorilla Nation about an autistic woman who was also a stripper at one point that clued me in that I was autistic... even though I'd never been a stripper nor had I worked with Gorillas. I'd never considered autism before, but in her narration, I got to see someone who thought like I did. I read the book at age 48 thinking it would be interesting to learn about her story never realising I'd be discovering myself.
I love Fern Brady. She is funny and such an inspiration to me with my own autism diagnosis (at age 61). I relate to so much she says here.
One of the best interviews on the subject I have seen on TH-cam. Fern is brilliant and funny as always. Keep up the good work guys and thanks for thinking of the lighting before having the guest on, way to do your research.
25:33 Absolutely perfect
One of my favourite comedians and on a podcast that I love, happy days 😊
So much relatable content here, full of great insight. I think I'll need to bookmark this one.
Really great interview. I'm not sure who to address in these comments, but Fern's book is what really helped me see myself and my actions as autistic when I was first discovering what it was and wondering if it was okay to even think of myself as autistic. Forever grateful to her for talking about meltdowns because I didn't know what was wrong with me and I couldn't get anything that fit right from Google. I accept myself and take my problems a lot more seriously now, which lets me deal with them instead of having meltdowns every three days and being chronically stressed and not knowing what any of it was related to.
Love Fern and her vulnerable courage in sharing her experiences. On Taskmaster, I knew there was more and searched out her background. This is so enlightening. I'm a recovering neurotypical.
Fern, this was incredible to listen to. Thank you for being so brave to talk about this. The more I hear people like us talk, the more heard I feel without speaking. This really helps, I mean really really helps. Knowing I’m not alone, we are not alone, there are more of us, it’s validating and liberating in ways. Knowing there are others who know the language, I don’t feel so foreign? I can communicate, but it’s easier to talk to one of us, we make more sense to others like us?
Wow Fern! I watch a lot of TH-cam, perhaps too much, but this is maybe the best thing I've ever seen on here.
What a amazing woman you are.
I find it so wild that we are constantly gaslighted into thinking accomidating autistic peoples needs is soooo hard....and then in this one interview ive cried nearly 3 times because these men are so invested in making sure Fern is comfortable and having a good time... it's just so touching... I relate so deeply to Fern bc ive tried so hard to "not be autistic" and now that im finally starting to accept it and love myself despite the challenges it's just so nice to have my life experience mirror back to me and see that we can thrive and things can get better...
I really identify with Fern Brady. Thanks for having her on your show.
This is so refreshing to hear. Thank you for this 🙏🏽
What Fern was talking about planning for death in a way that’s not super attached is reminiscent of stoic training. The notion of imagining what things would be if they were worse with the view of preparing for bad things to happen so you can remain poise and in control of your faculties. It also happens to make you appreciate stuff you have way more.
I kind of relate to that theory .... one of my favorite sayings is "Prepare for the Worst, Hope for the Best" and my other favorite one is "Live, Laugh, Love .... When all else Fails .... Load Aim Fire" lol
Thanks for writing about meltdowns. You choosing to do that has really helped me.
Omg Fern you said: an excuse to be difficult, left wing blue hair, I'm not a diva." Yes. So relate to you in so many ways. 52 years old just getting diagnosed. Being bullied, story of my life at school and work, still. I've never felt like I fit in anywhere, even with the outcasts. For the first time in my life I feel like I fit in. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤
I love listening to interviews with fellow autistic people. I also love to crunch dry leaves when I'm walking. I'll like walk a little winding path to get all the good ones.
I just stumbled upon this podcast. I'm blown away. I teared up at the beginning, the intro. Thank you. I will listen more. 💜
Late-diagnosed ASD1 (male) here, just discovered Fern's standup last week via Netflix and yeah, her experience is very relatable. Thanks so much for giving her such an open-structured chunk of time to chat!
So much of this rang true for me, but especially the part about hiding in the toilets at school.
10 mins in and I'm hooked, loving the honesty Fern, grateful to have a decent listen for my study breaks this eve, cheers mate
Having some control over the situation makes a huge difference for sensory stuff for me. I was really worried about having people in renovating the bathroom next door to my home office but that was a lot less stressful than when the neighbour uses a line strimmer four times further away because I knew at any time I could ask the tradies to stop if I really needed them to and they would. It's unexpected, unanticipateble noise that you have no control over that really triggers me particularly if it goes on for a long time and keeps popping in and out randomly - things like other peoples' dogs barking, fireworks, kids screaming in a nearby yard, etc.
So many moments in this lit my neurons up.❤
Diagnosed at 58 in Australia I loved this so much I am learning so much all the time about autism and I have been autistic for 61 years and just getting to know myself it is weird!
This was such a wonderful, wonderful conversation .
First time seeing your channel and really loved this. Love what amazing listeners and fantastic questions you had. You guys seem like really cool and thoughtful fellows.🫶
Thank you for doing this! Love Fern Brady and Love hearing a voice out there representing someone like me. Incredibly similar lives just like she was describing another woman had said "we have the same life!" 🫠😅🥰
Thanks Fern! You are such an amazing person and i love your style ! ❤🌹❤
Learned so much from this conversation!
I run into this just by chance, but this podcast is for me very relatable, I selfdiagnosed myself with AuDHD.. the ADHD part was last piece of the puzzle, but now it too obvious, so I am still doubting the autistic part.. and this was so revalidating. Thank you! And the fact that both Hitch and Sam Harris was mentioned melted my hearth. Instant subscribe!
I'm a huge fan of Ms. Brady's comedy. I also read and loved her book. This interview was great. I learn so much every time I hear her and this format was great.
There are 2 episodes of the Belgian podcast 'Nerdland', where they recorded 2 'special" episodes about Autism.
In these specials, they invited a few guests who are also diagnosed with autism. They give tips and tricks for how to interact with autistic people, but also the problems that they have to deal with.
Not just the daily struggles from certain inputs, but also trying to find a job. Because appearantely, as soon they tell the interviewer that they are diagnosed with autism, it is almost like hitting a 'you-are-not-getting-this-job' kill switch. Although they are definitely (over) qualified for the job they are trying to apply for...
Some friends of mine have a daughter who is also diagnosed with autism, and thanks to the tips from the Nerdland podcast, i can also interact with her a bit better, and i can put myself 'in her shoes' sometimes.
I really enjoyed this episode, and i think Fern is a great comedian!
Thanks for the episode!
Thank you, Fern! This interview helped me understand myself better, and my childhood, and the friends I have now (both NT and ND). I feel so much better when I understand.
I absolutely love her book…. Her book actually hit me so hard in the heart and helped me a lot.
I relate! It's exhausting. I live life without social media and still feel like a spotlight is intentionally seeking for any excuse to put me down as a narcisist. I also continually underestimate this resentment.
50+ undiagnosed. I have watched a lot of Fren's material and bought the book, she is one of my favorites. This video in particular got into details that are very eye opening and she shared a lot of details that resonate that I have not heard other folks mention before.
I recently got my ASD diagnosis at the age of 32, content like this is really helpful to me. It's really interesting to hear other autistic people's experiences.
I wasn't diagnosed autistic with ADHD until this year at the age of 43. My life feels essentially over. I spent 6.5 years in the military and ended up injuring my back, getting 2 titanium rods along with a spinal fusion, I require another spinal fusion in my neck, arthritis in my ankles, hands, and spine, Also, found bipolar II disorder when I was getting sober off of IV drug use and opiates, along with PTSD from my time deployed. What's really crazy, or I guess affirming for me is listening to her speak about her autism. Mine is the same way. My skin will burn in a sense when people I don't want to touch me, touch me, or when I get touched at the wrong time, I don't like to put myself out there too much, but I get told by people especially family that I'm extremely needy, and always asking for this or for that. My therapist says that I grew up neglected and that's where the bipolar II began setting in. The "weirdness" my mother and father noticed, but didn't persue, was the autism and adhd. Hearing her descriptions about what she goes through reminds me a lot of what I deal with, not identical, but the touch thing, not telling people every single thing you are going to do tomorrow lol, masking feeling like a foreign language. All that is true for me as well.
1:11:00 That caught me off guard!
Fern Talking about the "how are you?/fine" dance caught me so off guard i cried a bit.
thank you for sharing this podcast and giving fern an opportunity to speak about her experiences🙂❤
More fabulousness from Fern.
This is the most recent podcast I’ve seen of fern talking about her autistic experiences and it’s once again a great one. I especially appreciate her talking about the concerns about advocacy around autism myself as it’s something about her I appreciate about her a lot. I was only diagnosed in November 2021 at 25 and my response to both being diagnosed and the self diagnosis prior to the “official diagnosis” was marked with a lot of imposter syndrome and feeling like a lot of my feelings were invalid (I still have this a lot especially with my later ADHD diagnosis) and her talking about how autistic representation now is something I am also scared to talk about.
Fuck, the lighting gesture made ME choke up a little bit. Clearly this means more to us than even WE know.
Re: hugging. Just a small example of a huge problem in society. We don't have an "ask" culture. Everyone makes assumptions, behave certain ways, and treat people how they think they're supposed to without asking.
yes. Also many people have been physically and/or sexually abused, and aren't okay with paople hugging without asking first. When I don't know the person's preferences, I ask "are you a hugger?" before touching or hugging. unfortunately, i've noted several women will say 'no' or 'not really' and still reach out to hug...i try not to avoid that hug because they are owed respect, and I don't take it personally.
HAHAHA I thought everyone loved Susan Boyle the whole time and I just watched it again and thought the same thing. At least my autistic “not getting it” works in my favor a lot of the time 😂