First Love. First Breakup
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 มิ.ย. 2023
- Is it your first love (and first breakup)? Or is it the first time you let yourself fall in love? Recovering from this type of heartache requires these tools
Jessica writes, “Hi Susan, I'm going through my first-ever break up from a 6-year relationship. He was the first person I've ever dated and I too was his first long-term relationship. We spent our late teens to mid-20s together and experienced many firsts together. I'm sick to my stomach that he broke up with me and to think that he'll be romantically involved & intimate with someone else. Any words of advice?”
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Hi Susan, Jessica here! Thank you so much for responding to my video request. Today, in particular, has been a bad day mentally and emotionally for me, so it came as a complete shock seeing this at the top of my subscription page and hearing you read my message out loud. The universe truly works in mysterious ways. I cannot even begin to describe how grateful I am that you took the time to make this. I'll forever hold this video dear to my heart and remind myself to "keep the dream and replace the person" whenever my mind wanders into dark places ♥ Sending you and others who are going through the same lots of love.
I am sorry for the pain you are going through Jessica. I wish and pray that this time will pass sooner for you.! And Susan's videos are a blessing. I wish you all the best. Bless you.!
Jessica, you are a total sweetheart. Any man, including the one you want, would be very lucky to have you in their life. I am wishing you nothing but the best Big hugs!
Hi Jessica!! Thanks for the lovely note. We are all here supporting you. Even Nikka!!! big hug!!!
Sorry girl for your pain.When you feel better look to analyze what changed and if there's something you can do in future relationships.He will try to reconnect with you but DONT take him back cause your greenlighting his actions.We learn best from the tougher lessons.Good Luck Girl.
I am going through the same thing. Same age too. But it was a 5 year relationship. The pain is indescribable. It was out of the blue
It takes time but relief will happen
Same here. Broke up after over 20 years. He was my first & I was his.
Oh no!! ❤ we are all by your side with you
My first love lasted 7 years but I wasn't her first and she suddenly left with no explanation or closure (in what I thought was a wonderful relationship). That was years ago and I never got over it. I eventually found another but it never felt the same. Hang in there.
This is very comforting and empathetic advice. It’s also true. Yet, it’s also helpful for a young woman to ask herself why it happened, and honestly assess if there’s something that she needs to improve going forward. It’s about love and growth.
This is a great addition to the existing commentary. Really, thank you for this.
same situation. god damn it hurts! susan, you give me hope and strength with your words❤️🩹
idc, so sorry to read this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Every person who's ever really loved has felt heartache, and this of course, is the original cut. We are here for you.
@@SusanWinter ❤️❤️❤️
Susan i just wish I had seen this video back in the day for that first breakup ! Mine was 5 years and it devastated me. I was broken for a few years , sadly. Now with my vast experience I can say that when we trust someone that long it is harder. I didnt learn the lesson and fell in love again, and again& again. I met my first husband was with him 10 years married and 7 years before married. Ah then alone 15 years raising kids alone. Tried love again, and after 6 wks I had fallen head over heals he broke my heart was a sophisticated player. Again devastated. But this time I watched your videos and realized the dream was MINE and up to me to keep going.. so far so good with marriage 2, almost 3 years. Different from the first ones, more mature less heart pounding, but very good. I realized keeping your feet on the ground when dating is necessary, and if your feet leave the ground you can get hurt until you really know .. but do we ever really know ? Ahh I don’t think so because people can and do change. My dream now is to move abroad with my husband for a life of new adventures !! Growth is key and realizing that we are the captain of the ship and we can turn it around .. take the wheel and find YOUR dream no matter how many it takes girls no matter how many. I had to date/ talk to get to know , about 100 to find one you will like!! Jessica girl hang in there this is your show your dream and hell if he’s not gonna be in your life movie, it is OK. Life has a way to open doors once one’s closed . I’m friends with most of my long term exes and see them for just that . Now I can’t seem to see what I ever saw in them.. you go girl go out and find your dream. Dry your eyes de puff them and smile the world is your oyster get out there and enjoy the ride . ❤
I’m 53, you never forget your first love. Dispite me being in other long term relationships and very happily married, I often thought of her. Last year sadly I lost my wife to cancer after a wonderful 23 year marriage. Then a miracle happened, I reconnected with my first love. We are now totally in love again and looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together.
Suzan you look stunning!
Thank you!
thank you susan, this is so so so valuable, your insights are god-sent
Looking good Susie!!
Wonderful message. We all remember this.
So glad you're addressing this , This first heartbreak. ❤️
I broke my first heart at 20. I knew he was the wrong guy and there wasn't a future. I did the right thing.
Susan... I love your channel. You are direct and honest. Though delicate in your message.
Awww that T-shirt! ❤❤❤
Hi Susan, this is such a good video and advice.
I can definetely relate , been there many times but keep my mind positive and know one day I'll find my match.
Took a break on and have had long thoughts about what I want in a relationship and am focused on making it happen.
Thank you Susan for all your insight and advice ❤
Thank you for the wonderful video Susan. Very heart touching and true and very helpful as always. Huge fan..!! Take care..!!
Thank you one love!!! (and I love your choice of name). Your kind words are greatly appreciated.
Your advice is Sent from above! Thank you. I'm almost 60 and Was stuck in that first love being the all in all. So refreshing to get a new and hopeful way of thinking of things. Heartfelt sincerity to "jessica."❤
Thank you for watching! I’m so pleased to hear that you found it helpful!!!❤
Beautiful message! I had my share of heartbreaks in the past and ironically I long for them (now being much older). The emotional rollercoaster gets more predictable with time and you learn not to dissolve yourselves in a partner as well as the art of letting go... we all have our paths in life and sometimes people come into your life for a portion of it, some segments are meant to be walked alone. ❤
Beautifully written Nafthusa! While the first heartache comes with no manual for preparation, isn’t it interesting how we yearn to get back to degree of openness as time passes. You brought up an excellent point. The ride gets more predictable and we recover more quickly, but in a way, we also long for the sweetness of that first innocent love.
thats well said @fatcatontario. I am kinda in the same boat. I am 36 years old, but going through my first heart break ( lol.. i know am too old for it to be the first time) and I think I messed it up so, Its been hard, I am trying to learn and move on... Susan's videos are being a great help.. but its definitely being hard moving on. :) - and thank you for your kind words and wisdom.🥰
This video helped so much, thankyou Susan ❤️
You are so welcome!
Guard what's beautiful for you! It's amazing you could live this feeling! A lot of people don't have it in a lifetime.
I would like to share my experience. I just understood it recently: I haven't met real love until I met my boyfriend last year. I'm 40 and it's now that I understand that however I tought I was in real love before, I was just in trauma bonding. I really had to have courage to be able to admit this, but it's true. And I feel the pain of not being able to find this earlier.
I'm sure you'll experience nice things in life. Be patient and never force yourself to attach or detach, let feelings guide you. Also do some shadow work and therapy if you can, they are so useful in the long run.
All the best to you!
Very true about 90 year olds, 40 year olds who have never been in love
You look gorgeous 🙌
Awww. thank you!
Hi Susan, I've learnt a lot from your videos over the past few years and especially appreciate the ways you present an alternative perspective for use when reflecting or ruminating. I particularly like what you said in this video about considering if you did in fact experience the best of your ex. I can't say if that is true of my last relationship, but it's a refreshing change from how I have come to reflect on past loss. I'm not sure how to apply it to my first love who returned years later.
My first love ended things with me when I was 18 without offering much in the way of closure but requested that we remain friends. I believed her loss to be too significant and that any future relationship I had would not be able to measure up to the first, let alone exceed it, and would merely be a consolation prize. This was how I'd been brought up to see the world. She moved away to go to university and later to London to start her career, but she occasionally returned to where I lived and reconnected with me romantically, offering a brief hope or reconciliation for a week or two before she would make her excuses and leave once more. This cycle lasted for 8 years and I found it impossible to properly recover and move on with my life until eventually I came to my senses and decided to stop pursuing her and instead focus on myself. Over the next 10 years my life transformed and I had created a new identity and felt confident in who I had become. I made peace with the loss of my first love and came to view her as a life lesson and catalyst for change. We remained in touch but had little contact and met up socially about 3 or 4 times. I enjoyed other relationships but resisted setting overly high expectations and didn't over invest in relationships or partners. I was pretty pessimistic at first, but ironically it prevented me from developing codependence and seemed to keep me emotionally regulated. In time I became more optimistic and positive and confidence grew. But then after years of absence my first love suddenly reached out.
We met for dinner and a catch up but the mutual attraction was off the chart and we kissed before the night was done. Rather than leave things as they were, we met up again and again and things developed very fast. This time however she was pursuing me and I was playing it safe and not letting my emotions get the better of me. I was en guard and this just made her keener and she later declared she was in love with me (she never used the 'L' word before). Slowly my defences lowered and I began to get carried away with it. We enjoyed a good 18 months of close intimate connection after which she began pulling away and withdrawing suddenly and without explanation or even acknowledgement. Issues regarding her ex husband at the time and their child meant that we took things slowly at first, but she didn't seem to resolve any of the issues fast and continued to blame them for us not being able to progress our relationship further. She began to show more of her avoidant side over the next couple of years, which included very noticeable and sudden mood changes which she refused to acknowledge, as well as becoming more secretive and dishonest, highlighting issues but not wishing to work to resolve them. This all came to a head recently when she began ghosting and slow fading me. I confronted her and she replied that she didn't want a relationship and went on to say that she hadn't been in love but was infatuated. Even if the latter was true, it was unnecessary for her to say it unless she wanted to hurt me.
Losing your first love the second time around is not just heartbreaking, it's utterly confusing and impossible to make sense of. Because of our long history, I had come to the naive conclusion that fate had brought us together after all this time. I had previously accepted why things never worked out the first time around, but after reconnecting years later I now looked at the earlier failed attempts as simply part of the whole journey. I failed to realise until after the discard that all that happened was I relived the same painful journey a second time. This time around it took a serious toll and the effect on my mental health was overwhelming. It lead to me becoming self aware however, as well as making some very big discoveries about my own childhood and family background which included a history of female narcissism and other toxic elements. Both relationships were very painful learning curves but I am having much more trouble deciphering my ex's words and actions and plagued by 'what if's' and 'shuda coulda woulda' ruminations, and questioning if and how my faults and behaviours contributed to the breakup, or if there could only ever be one outcome.
There's a lot of great videos from yourself and other breakup specialists on youtube but I don't think I've come across anything that looks at this particular scenario, but I would sure love to hear your views on it Susan.
Much love
Rob
FYI bad things I brought to the relationship included people pleasing, lack of boundaries (only learnt what boundaries were recently/narcissistic mother), increased loss of self (in reaction to avoidant (or worse) behaviours).
The discard wasn't unexpected, but to avoid confrontation she carefully planned a very quick execution which purposely left no time for me to realise or react. This is how she's always delivered bad news to people, the executioner's method!
Sadly a lot of things were only learnt, or truly realised, at the very end as my ex slowly revealed more of her true self, or in the aftermath when the brain fog started clearing and my senses started returning as a result of no contact.
I requested a proper meeting to discuss the relationship and breakup, which she agreed to but I've not agreed to a date yet and after a few text conversations I felt I should start no contact for a month or two. I sent the last message and if she responds then I shall resume contact then, but otherwise let no contact run its course. She said that she wanted to remain friends but I don't think I want to. I don't feel now that I need to see her to gain closure as her actions are evident enough. But she had proven herself to be very manipulative and dishonest. She lied to me quite a few times (that I know about) and kept many secrets from me. So I don't think I knew her as well as I thought, or perhaps I never knew her at all. Moving on I want to make sure that I never go down that road with her or anybody like her. So I feel it's important to find out as much as I can.
I was only 18 and we were together for 1.5 years :/ I still miss her but I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore, I don’t know if she will come back and if she does I don’t know if I’ll take her back, but it hurts so much
❤
I guess he was my first love not my first bf😞
I am going through it right now and I miss her so much I just was acting like a child and I see what I did wrong and I want her back because I want to make things better I have said sorry and all that good stuff but nothing she says she wants a "man" I was working and I did have emotional problems and how to control them and I wish I could slap myself in the face.
Firsts are overrated many times immature and idealised. Rather be the last love than the first because there is no other love after that!
🥰😍
People in comments should also reflect on themselves how they project heartaches on others that they chose to break off also. Not just cry... ooh poor baby me, the Romeo guy I love has dumped me! You feel insignificant and not good enough now? Well what goes around comes around. Called karma! Some of us want true love.. not just what looks good for our friends. "Because you take me to the places that alone I'd never find". That's true love
I'm afraid I can't replace the person it's a person I love works at the same office I works too but the hard part is now I can see him trying to get in a relationship with somebody else am I sit almost beside him and if every single damn effort that he do to get somebody else that I didn't get the same attention the same effort it destroys me every day now I cant feel anything it's so hard for me I tried I know I must let go but you know it's not easy if you see someone you love every day
You should change jobs and get that person off your radar otherwise it’s torture. Why do that to yourself . My hard and fast rule : never date someone you work with because of this reason . Sad but true, also the office spectacle of having the player and all the co workers is bad news for you and heart break every single time you see him. Lose that job and free yourself in several ways . Good times will follow you to the new adventure , best of luck to you.
It sounds like it could be a bit of infatuation. It’s very difficult for work relationships to flourish and the unattainable is often the most alluring
Are you single?