At The Core, Narcissists Are Con Artists
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 มิ.ย. 2024
- While healthy individuals are authentic, narcissists are deceivers. They actively try to con others into believing they are more desirable than is true. Dr. Les Carter identifies how to spot their con efforts, and also points out patterns that expose their high exploitive mindset. Seeing their tactics, you can stay out of their manipulations.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his TH-cam channel, his videos have received more than 115 million views.
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I had a sister like this. She would sit with you, have a beer, chill, and then ask you a lot of phishing questions while pretending to open up about herself. She would then use this information to use against you, even twisting what was said for a gas lighting agenda.
Sick people.
They have NO true friends.
They are posers.
@@briandrake6881 I understand completely, I had a fake friend like this. Always follow your spidey sense with these types of personalities. It's a widespread problem.
I ended a relationship w a narcissist by saying " I have to be a whole person, so I cant see you any longer"
Good way to frame it.
Perfect 🥰
@@SurvivingNarcissism A narcissist in my extended family found it too odd for me to turn up unexpectedly, because they 'couldn't compute' matching together how they were with their parents who were also visiting and how they picture themselves when relating towards me as well, as a pattern they don't like unexpected visitors or 'worlds colliding', it's interesting to observe their need for control. I'm guessing their not liking unexpected visitors relates to the false self in some way.
To the point
They won't let me leave I have before but they stalk me always have
That’s what hurt the most…the soul mate fake
Been there.
Been there! They are your Knight, until you respectfully differ... Then THEY GO APE! Nuts, just Chaos
Get away from the Soulmate fallacy. Just find a good partner.
@@Duke2363 Exactly. So many stupid books and people talking fantasy ( shared delusion). Codependency is an addiction with a high.
@@cynthiathomas5754 Yup. I once suffered from codependency but I got a therapist and it helped tremendously
Even more disappointing and frustrating is watching these con artists achieve reputable and trusted positions so they can con more and more people! You can try to warn others, but be prepared for retaliation, shaming, or being shunned. I've found peace and regained my physical and mental health by starting over without them. When they try to worm their way back into my life, I completely ignore them. There is NO way I will go back to that toxic, chaotic mess!
I still believe in exposing the creeps if at all possible. Everyone carries a video camera and a recorder around. Also, these people are deranged by their sense of invulnerability, and - at least in my cousin's case - can be shockingly careless in texts and emails.
Hang on to all of it!!
But I'm a man, and I recognize that while I could take on my cousin in any and every way, and win, I am well aware that few women are able to be so self assured. As sad as it may be, as grinding, as maddening as it may be, your course of action is best for most people. Rest assured, it will catch up with them.
My cousin, in his madness, took it for granted he could get out of a political scandal by blaming everyone else. He failed so spectacularly, it was funny. Yes, it was a delight for me to watch from afar, by Internet, as his business collapsed. The best part is that it wasn't abrupt, it was gradual, taking place over a five year period. Some of his desperate moves to try to fix things were hilarious in their stupidity.
People don't heed warnings very well. How many people ignore hurricane warnings despite evidence on radar screens . . .
@@bobtaylor170 If you don't research narcissism, you'd think they are mentally ill but then when you find out they love the chaos, drama, etc. they cause (among other things) It makes them so repulsive.
Well what a tale, how many times will a person fall for a ploy, once only and never again. That old phrase once bitten, forever shy.
@@VgVi13 it sure does. There is nothing like experience. You can easily tell the difference between evil and mental illness. These people have horrible character disorders, and in their way, they are crazy, but the basis of it is that they are evil.
They will study you to learn everything about you and then use it against you.
Oh Jesus yes! They study you carefully to understand your weaknesses. They also ask around about you in a sneaky way. Still they are stupid and fuck up. But take no responsibility. So odd!
Yes he did, I asked for the police transcript. The police asked him, did you do this crime? What were they expecting him to say?!
My narc sister and cousin would do this to me.... a lot. Burned a lot of bridges.
I was gullible to those con artists. I learned the hard way how not to fall for their blatant tactics. 😖
Me too. It comes back to a quote that I read from Joan Collins that goes “Show me a person who has never made a mistake and I'll show you a person who hasn't accomplished much.”
Unfortunately, the cold hard truth about the world, is sometimes we don't develop our instincts for noticing the BS scams that people pull until after we've lived through it. Take care.
Sociopaths are con artists
Very true
Con artists and ungrateful, unloving backstabbers with reckless disregard for others.
To a narcissist, everything can, and should, be manipulated...and it's always to make themselves look good...always remember that
I just wish I had known all this at least 35 years ago, while I was still young enough to build a totally new life for myself. At 81, I've had to give up a lot materially in order to have the peace of my and self respect I need to survive.
I do hope you at least got away from the narcissist. Bless you. 🙏🏾
@@sayedenforever556 Yes, I've been living alone for 5 years now. It isn't easy but the idea of ever going back to that kind of abuse and disrespect makes me sick to my stomach.
Just because someone says they are "kind, caring, can be trusted, loyal" does not mean that is the case , not what is printed on the box is what is inside.
Yes, you don’t need to say what your character is, if you truly are an honest person then you don’t need to advertise it. Just be it!
@@samanthamariah7625 Amen.
@gloriacoleman7012 I don't think a person who is those things, would ever say they are.
Judging the book by the cover. We must read the pages
Exactly. It's been my experience that when a person has to go down their life resume extolling all the virtues that they stand for, they usually aren't just trying to convince others, they're trying to convince themselves. I went through exactly this with a former colleague. She was a grifter with zero skills and even less talent. By the time I cut contact with her, she had made a lot of enemies and tried to take me down with her. That's why I was so glad I documented everything. She claimed to be a businesswoman when, in reality, the only business she was good at was minding everyone else's.
It’s just a shell game from start to finish! The hero, martyr & bully are empty masks because inside is a toddler who’s insecure at best. Never having achieved separation from mother at the appropriate age, all narcissists begin by deceiving mommy. They learn to lie, hurt, exploit then manipulate others for power. Love of power ❤️🩹 over the power of love ♥️ so leave them in their playpens, which are really pigpens
Facebook "Mommy" ownage. 🙄
100% the case in my case by the Narcissist in my life. For an adult he has an extremely inappropriate relationship with his mother. He has always taken out his frustration and aggression out on me when she leaves his immediate life and town and going with her husband to travel and move other places they want to live.
They are damaged themselves from childhoods. Victims turned perps.
Pattern is the key. It takes time spent with the narcissist (s) to learn the pattern(s). Do not blame yourself or feel foolish,you are authentic with a big heart. The light 💡 is on. You will heal and grow stronger as you grasp what narcissism is.
🙏 ❤ 🫂 to all for we are worthy.❤❤❤
Well said. It's wise to learn from experience.
The narc in my life accused me of something that completely shocked me. Then hours later I realized that that’s exactly what she has done to me for decades! Such an ah-ha moment!
Same. I finally figured out their projections are confessions. It's so creepy. I'm just super glad the narcissist in my life (my mother) never accused anyone of killing someone...... Ugh!
One narc said are you playing me. That's what he's been trying to do. He was getting upset it's not working. Their world is projection
Hucksters, liars can appear very convincing by toying with your emotions, especially flattery mixed with fear mongering.
Yep. Faux flattery 🙄
Narcissists are 100% delulu about who they are. It's the only way they can function (self-deception).
Not only do I not play their game, I refuse to give them the privilege of engaging in conflict. I learned a long time ago that it is fruitless with all narcissists. Their horrifying passive aggression will get amped up if you ask them to do anything that doesn't benefit them.
Yup, they con themselves and live in a perpetual state of unreality a.k.a. psychosis.
@@edwong4178I do kinda think they have psychosis even if it's not officially recognised. That absolute temper tantrum when their ego is threatened is something crazy to witness. Also they aren't considered delusional but they very much are if you look closer. It's not simply like they manipulate you in believing them they actually believe it themselves on some level
It's always about what's in it for them, while at the same time making you think it's all about you. Once you break free from the narcissist, they let you know in no uncertainties there is nothing there for you at all.
Amen to that!!! And what a waste of precious time!!!😔😮😩
@@MarianneCatherine Yes but then we know. Before that, we were naïve, sitting ducks.
Believe in yourself
And believe yourself!
narcissist are the human version of an empty shell stay far away !!
100%
There is nothing there😢
Its exausting trying to get them to see how their behaviors disrespect you and a waste of your breath telling them how to love you right! Left my partner 4 weeks ago in person however i checked out emotionally months before. Now its getting through the grief of loosing something i didnt even have
They don’t care what anyone says to get their way. You can’t tell them much
Dr. Carter, I had a childhood friend who grew up to be a narcissist. He claimed to be a financial wizard, the top financial rep in his town with $1 million in assets and so on. Our arguments became more and more heated from his talking down to me, and I finally called him out on all his bullsht. It was like when Toto pulled back the curtain in “The Wizard of Oz” and exposed the Wizard for what he really was. At 62, nobody in his family wants anything to do with him. Everything was always someone else’s fault. He took me for nothing but a total fool. As much harm as these people do, they serve as an important life lesson. The narcissist gets you to thinking you need their approval because YOU are inferior, so you fail all over yourself trying to get this approval. That’s how they suck you into their mind games.
Glad you are figuring it out. BTW, on my calendar for about 3 weeks out is a video about mind games they play when you confront. Stay tuned!
Me ex hubby conned me into believing that he had a personality!!!
Mine conned me into believing she really meant “Till death.” I’m relieved that it didn’t.
@@aaronkwolfe Mine believed in "till death" but forgot the loving and cherishing bit 🙄
So true. My Covert ex was not liked and neither is my father. Duh...Why did it take me so long to realize they needed me for their public image.
@@aaronkwolfeindeed it’s better that it was not “till death”. That would have been one miserable hell.
They roped us into the hope of what was to be. It's easier to let go of them, then the hope. We must be our own best hope.
Your sentence "We must be our own hope" 😮❤!
In the past i got really angry at narcissistic types. But it's so difficult not to when you're so repulsed by degeneracy and immorality
200%
9 months and 15 days no contact with the ex-husband. If you can afford it, hire a lawyer to handle communications. It's worth it. Ignore the gaslighting from "friends and family" that will come. Climb apathy mountain and camp peaceably. It's not easy, but makes it better.
Yay Naomi, good for you, it sounds like you are getting there ❤Prayers and blessings ❤️ 🙏
The worst thing is when the narcissist projects their own chicanery onto someone else
Gaslighters are very good at seizing the narrative and blaming the victim.
@d0v3Tai1Image obsessed parents. It deeply hurts.
It truly is an awakening of the soul once you realize these people exist, and truly act like this!
@knowthynarc Yes it is! Before I became educated I always thought the narcissist did everything by accident! And he let me think that to so he didn't have to be accountable for any bad behavior! So glad I wised up on this mind twisting disorder!!
@@coreenbeck2862 They're great a playing dumb to evade accountability, it's mind blowing how delusional they are!
I can't say that my sister is a narcissist, but I can say that she has consistent patterns of behavior that do seem to fit one.
Even so, she's toxic and has been for much of her life. Today, she texted me after I had stated some boundaries and completely disregarded them in exchange for excuses. When I asked her, "Did you see where I talked about boundaries?" She got very defensive and completely dismissed them. I should have realized that this would be the result. I don't know what I was hoping for.
If you don't reinforce your boundaries and stand firm she will never respect you. 😢
Have nothing to do with the chameleons and poisonous snakes the narcissists are. Thank you dr Carter ❤
At the core, narcissists are treacherous. Malignant narcissists are treacherous and treachery is not on a spectrum. Most people can't be treacherous and not be bothered by that treachery. Treachery definition: 1) Willful betrayal of fidelity, confidence, or trust; perfidy. 2) The act or an instance of such betrayal. 3) Violation of allegiance or of faith and confidence; treasonable or perfidious conduct; perfidy; treason.
Good one! 👍
@@Xaxtarr_Neonraven Yep, it's like when my covert narcissist father acted all buddy buddy with me just to extract information out of me to use against me later on, also known as 'treachery.' He loved to tell his my mother(his ex wife) anything I said to him when I was no contact with her. Now I'm no contact with them both because I understand narcissism.
@@rwdchannel2901 To me, there is always a painfilled sadness to family alienation. Sorry for your struggles.
Malignant narcissists are the worst. They are devious and downright evil. Yet they can appear charming and pull people over to their side. They can play this game over many years. Such sad creatures!
The term Con Artist comes from Confidence.. They might look confident on the outside but this is where our logic and our feelings come into play.. That is why it is just an illusion..
Yes, I should have included that in the discussion. Thanks for pointing it out, Darin.
They falsely convince you to place your confidence in them. Another term is flim-flam.
"A scam, or a confidence trick, is an attempt to defraud a person or group after first gaining their trust. Confidence tricks exploit victims using a combination of the victim's credulity, naïveté, compassion, vanity, confidence, irresponsibility, and greed. Researchers have defined confidence tricks as "a distinctive species of fraudulent conduct ... intending to further voluntary exchanges that are not mutually beneficial", as they "benefit con operators ('con men') at the expense of their victims (the 'marks')"."
@@SurvivingNarcissism It is nice that we are all in this together..
The biggest con man I've ever met is my ex-friend. Everyone around him likes his "presence" so I didn't realize it was "dark empathy." It took me decades to see through him. He failed in marriage twice and his first spouse ran away from home.
🏃♀💨💨🏠
She ran away because she probably saw him for who he was!
@@aijazsiddique8713 I believe so.
In the heavily enmeshed family from which my husband came, led by a covert narc minister who successfully charmed the congregations of a number of churches, the con was a group effort trained in from toddlerhood. The family all performed their religious kabuki dance in public in which everyone knew his or her role and steps. Only when in private did the facade come down and the real monsters show their faces. I'm glad to say I never joined in with them but, thereby, earned the role as their primary scapegoat. There wasn't a square inch of flesh on my back that didn't have one of their knives in it.
they never found a healthy way to vent their anger accrued from childhood abuse. That is no excuse, however, for abusing you!!!!!!!
stay strong...God loves you and so do we!!!❤
@@user-xh8cb1ev3f You're exactly right. The mother was mentally ill / emotionally disturbed, but never cared for by her narc husband. He simply demanded that she - AND their children - wait on him hand and foot. And he refused to be a Dad to his kids, except for one son who was the first golden child (and who turned out to be certifiably a narc himself). They all were emotionally on their own throughout childhood, including enduring (at times severe) abuse by their mother. The entire family dynamic was so horribly unhealthy. Yet, for all the trained-in idolization of the father, not one of his adult children cried when he died. They had no connection to him except to act out the unquestioning loyalty that was required of them. They lost nothing when he died, yet to this day carry forward the fantasies he created about himself. It's nothing but sick and destructive. Appalling and sad. My own Dad was polar opposite, thankfully, so I have always had a healthy standard to live by, not my (soon-to-be ex) husband's family's.
Oh lord. This sounds so horrible. I hope you are doing better and safe.
I was definitely conned in the beginning of my relationship with the nex. Plus, I ignored huge red flags. The nex's behavior didn't change overnight. It was gradual. He also was an OTR truck driver and was gone a great deal of the time. But, once the rages began, the throwing stuff, punching holes in the walls, etc., the cat was out of the bag and it refused to go back in.
Those that were taken. Be aware you weren’t aware of the game.
After all you couldn’t fly an airplane without training.
He destroyed my mother, and when she died he walked away with my mother and father's estate. My anger sometimes overwhelms me.
I'm so sorry. That is truly awful! You're anger is understandable. Take care and God bless! 🙏🫂🙏 Again, I am so sorry 😞
I'm a huge fan of tapping, Emotional Freedom Technique, which works immediately ❤ it helps us to release the triggers, which are a symptom of PTSD. We don't need to punish ourselves, to make ourselves sick with grief, to suffer in fear, loathing and sadness too... which is exactly what their chaos wants. Typically beneath that we find our core of inner peace, calm and strength again, and from that place, watertight boundaries, then, even pity for their toxicity, for whatever happened that made them so unwell, and ultimately, even forgiveness, which is an exceptional tool for empowering ourselves again. 🙏
I was so furious at this guy, but still he kept charming my friends, and nobody cared about how I felt. After 2 years, I HAD to let it go, for MY sake, so I just forgave it all. Immediately I felt free from him. Immediately people approached me to say that they never liked the guy. The timing was uncanny. He ended up leaving town, saying he'd never come back. His reputation finally caught up with him.
Same thing happened to me
I just walked away from my pet narcissist again after being attacked in the middle of the night physically
Walk is good, run is better. Be safe.
I agree with Aaron 👍Take care 🙏
I hoped for decades my narc (now ex) would change, but the treachery, manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse just got worse. It took my heart a long time to let go. Everything in this video is spot-on! So get strong…your narc is depending on you staying emotionally invested and weak! Trust me, one day you will feel pity for him in spite of all the harm he’s done. I speak from experience💕
That's a big Red Flag and very scary!!! I agree with Aaron, too!!! Start running and don't look back. Things will only escalate. Protect yourself and take good care of yourself yourself! 🙏❤🙏
Stay safe, love and prayers 🙏 ❤️
I am old now. I have only just discovered about covert narcissists, through you tube, and realise these are the people I have had in my life all the time, from childhood. I am now on my own but others think it is because I am the awful one because I do not have anything to do with these people anymore including my own children, who turned out like their dad, a narcissist. Life feels very lonely.
But better to be alone than being abused
@@MJ-qb5ph Thank you for your reply. It made me think because as most of the abuse was not physical but mental it is very difficult to see as abuse. I need to learn to see it as the abuse it was.
Heather I.m sending you a ❤full of love. Same situation here. May God be with us and heal our hearts.
@@miraclesforus ♥ Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Just say no
Hello Everyone ! Wishing you all a most wonderful day. Let's all try to be happy. Hugs to whomever needs one. God Bless Amen. 🙏🧡❤️💖 😟
Hello to you too! Thank you and what a nice thought! Wishing you a wonderful weekend! Thanks for the hug 🤗🫂♥️. God bless Team Healthy 🙏❤️🙏 💕
❤❤🙂🙏
@@MarianneCatherine 🙏💜🌻🤗🤠
@@SherryWilson-dk7bo
🙏🌻🤗🌻💜🤠
@@SherryWilson-dk7bo 🙏🌻💜💞🤠🤗
I really thought my mother had empathy, but it was all a lie. She just used me and threw me away like I was nothing to her.💔
They are souless and of their father, the indwelt. People that willingly are compassionate, excuse making, enabling (hurt people hurt people) and willing to be complicit in the controlling of others are just as guilty.....A demon is a demon is a demon.
Proverbs 17:15
15 He that justifieth the wicked, and he that condemneth the just, even they both are abomination to the Lord.
The "judge not" and "go along to get along" crowd don't like that verse, especially if they profess to be Christian.
Yep. I am finding that a lot of religious sorts forget the wide vs narrow path. That means there are people who will choose the wrong path. There's no excuse.
@@dakoderii4221reprove them Eph 5
didnt go over well with 2 Nfam either. now visiting fam expecting me to ‘go along’ even with shaking from ptsd. they all went to the beach, now out for lunch and im alone with my footprints 🙏💕
@dakoderii4221 love this scripture! God says to judge righteous judgement. Those "other" Christians twist this verse out of its context to keep people from being accountable! God is all about being accountable and not ignoring bad and abusive behaviour to just "get along". This thinking is not the God of Abraham,Isaac, and Joseph. God hates a coward and tells His people to always stand up for truth and to defend truth. As you can tell, I'm a Christian. Just not one of those cowards who cherry pick Bible verses!! Isaiah 5:20 Woe to those that put light for dark and dark for light. . . 😮
Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
My N-ex conned her mother out of father’s (husband of mother) entire death benefit (life insurance policy payout) under the guise that I had caused her to be broke and homeless. Within a week of our finalized divorce, she married a wealthy older gentleman whose wife had recently passed. His loving and caring adult children now risk losing an inheritance to her. Our adult children watched as it all unfolded, and have gone NC with her.
🎼Can’t Buy Me Love 🎶 by the Beatles.
Bad Dad joke time: When he made her mine, he didn't realize she was a gold-digger.
I observed too, that grabbing inheritance away from other rightful heirs seems to be one of the narcissist´s main "games". It helps to have strict laws and watchful administrators. It appears to me that in Germany there are strong efforts to put the narcissists in their place concerning inheritance, insurance and marriage.
@@t_nels Agreed, Teresa. I love my life now.
@@t_nels , I got married in Germany long time ago to someone from the US. The government employee had all the rule of the US state my spouse was from sent and translated following every minute detail, so the marriage could not be declared unrightful years later. Good government protection. When I inherited from my parents the government protected my rights as well, although I do not live in Germany and there is narcissism in my family.
@@mariaawake4502 I don't remember how it is/was set up but when my grandfather passed there was an inheritance to each daughter.
My mom, living here, gave her portion back over to her mother.
Patterns: After no contact for a while I’ve noticed my body/nervous system becomes alarmed (anxiety?) just about when he tries hoovering. I’ve dodged bullets because of this but lord the feeling makes me nauseous. This alone strengthens my resolve to never have contact again.
It is all falling apart. This decades long ‘family system’ is no more. It is over! Now, they scurry about, finding no rest. Go figure.
Hiya 👋 how's things 🌸
@@amandaliverpool3374 Hanging on strong. How have you been? Its great to see you ❤️💕
@@tbunnyshy1 My lads are still living with me. It's been very difficult. Are you still living in the same situation. I'm glad to see you're staying strong 💪 That's all we can do 🙏🌸
@@amandaliverpool3374 I understand how hard it is and I am really sorry about that. We are all working towards moving out. I have to advocate for myself as things are taking too long/backpedaling/unavailability for housing as promised. We will get there. One day we can share our testimony. When push comes to shove, we can take whatever comes our way. Bad days come and go…we just begin again each day. ❤️🕊️💕
@@tbunnyshy1 That's the spirit. Tomorrow is definitely another day. Take care 🙏❤️🌸
It's exhausting emotionally psychologically draining what can eggshells watching every word and being careful not to get them angry or upset.
Good morning, morning, evening--team healthy! Happy Saturday!!!
Thank you!!
Hi Charlie 👋
Thank you and the same to you!!! 🤗
How to heal from being a rescuer?
- Here are four tips that can help you if you recognize the rescuer tendency; you are trying to be the White Knight for others.
- Heal your core wounds and take back the control over your own life. ...
- Learn the difference between support and rescue. ...
- Give yourself time. ...
- Start loving and respecting yourself.
Our SIL has totally isolated our daughter from family and friends
our narc sil is a con artist
I hear you. We are going on 17 years now of this. We can hope and pray that our adult kids will wake up and get out. One thing I’ve learned is that there’s nothing I can do to change the situation.
I’m sorry you are having this happen with your daughter.
My daughter as well...
Thank you Dr. C!! I always learn so much from you and your guests. Thank you so much for educating the public, because these sort of people deceive so many!!
🙌🥰🙏💪💯
You are so welcome
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I have a question. Is it common for narcissists to perceive relationships as more intimate than they really are? To clarify, let's say the narcissist knows someone who they perceive as a good friend but in reality, they barely know each other.
My mom was notorious for doing this. She would meet neighbors on our block and act like they were family when she barely knew them. I never understood that.
They use there kids too especially if they know you are a good person,I don't mind helping but I remember my ex NARC ask me to bring his kids french fries from McDonald's I took them over there he met me outside his house said Thank you took the Bag and walked off,I thought I was going to visit him for a while,I felt so degraded and used
Gus is a good ole boy. My blood pressure is measurably lower when I see him.
I have a narcissistic father and I have made the fatal mistake or flaw of trying to reason with him no matter how terrifying it was. I have tried so hard to beg him with tears to just stop and think about how he makes my mom and I feel and there's just nothing.. he gets defensive and can never admit his wrongs or change.. I've given up and its so hard to not be so bitter against him. There's no love..what kind of father can watch his daughter and wife cry because of him and not even attempt to be better. There's just no love there.
Thank you for these videos.. you explain these things so well and looking back I wish I could've found videos like these sooner!
Sorry. But that’s messed up. He needs to go seek treatment.
They also might play that they need a hero or rescuer and flatter you into their circle that way. You'll end up just doing dirty work on their behalf, together with the ones who think that the narcissist is their hero or rescuer.
@@t_nels Yes, that's what Dr C said at the start :)
'You ain't seen nothing yet' till you've met a financial adviser , con artist off the charts! liars , deceivers.... Everything you just said.
Make boundaries for yourself, I don't have ears, I stay away as much as possible, I won't react, I don't accept affection. After so many decades I realized this is what I married. Now he's had a stroke but I still hang onto my boundaries.
The Con Artist is committed to betrayal , weak on the inside but projecting that weakness to anybody in front of them . My dad would say " talking to them is like talking to the wall "
I call it the "You, too! Me Too!" tactic used by Narcs. They've mastered it.
Yeah I pretty quickly realized my ex didn’t have an original thought in his head
Yeah, like, "Me Too"
"I'm just like you".
They really go out of their way to copy/mimic others.
The covert often ref 'Smoke & Mirrors' too, he liked using the term for some reason.
@@helenmcclay2622 Bahahaha. YUP. All of these, verbatim. Also: “we feel much of the same.” LOL. Nope. I don’t think we do.
I needed to know this 40years ago. But then I wouldn't have had my 4 children and two grandchildren.
I always felt that. We can never regret. Then you better do everything to heal them.
My philosophy: The past starts from now. In fact, everything starts from now. GL. 💜
There's no point in trying to warn anyone about the narc. Few, if any, will believe you because you're the ex-spouse or ex-friend or estranged from the narc and they see you as bitter. I just try not to interact with the narc any more than absolutely necessary. I also try to keep it in the forefront of my mind that there is literally nothing I can do about their behavior except avoid them. And it's not really personal. When you see other people who have been victimized by the narc, when you see the patterns, it becomes clear. A snake behaves like a snake. You had the bad luck to be the innocent bunny or frog that the snake crossed paths with and tried to consume. If not you, it would be someone else. It's easier said than done, but just move on. Whatever they took from you is gone. You won't recover it. Count your lucky stars you survived.
Gus decided to rebel and not sleep on his blanket 😮
Posing is their favorite hobby. These folks observe themselves as if they’re watching their favorite tv show.
OH DR.C…..SOOOOOO TRUE.
Thank you so much again for your. IDEO.
I see Gus prefers the couch instead of his blanket today.
Hugs to Gus.
From Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI
I know this is kind of random, but have any of you noticed they change their tone of voice? Silly, I know, but the person I co-habitat (married to would be too generous) with speaks to me in a whiny high pitch voice, while when he's in public he speaks with a mature lower toned voice. It's quite bizarre. Is this a demonstration of that chameleon, masking, fake behavior?
Absolutely. That's what I've noticed recently too. In my case in the beginning his voice was soft and warm but then down the road when he started to feel more comfy I guess his voice changed into more harsh and angry. It's both kinda terrifying and amusing when you can notice it
Once you see it, you can't unsee it
The whiny high pitched voice seems similar to that of a young child wanting attention. It could be a tactic to evoke empathy/parental care feelings, to get you to overlook something unpleasant, and/or for you to go "above and beyond' in placating /caring for the other person. OR, he could be trying to annoy you!
Using the "mature' voice in public is a strategy of "appearing normal/masculine".
Yes, a childish, high pitched whine when they felt they were not winning in the conversation. Turning on crying suddenly and turning off crying just as suddenly is a talent they have, too. This person seemingly gained skills and constantly moved on up with successive relationships. The next wife bought him suits and clothes. The current GF bankrolled a seaside home. His deal is he needs a mom who pays his way but understands his need to be in charge and make all the decisions.
Trust Patterns
Respect 💞
So true, Dr C. They are so good at their game so that you don't see it until the end. When you call them out on it in the most simple way then ... pooff(!) ... they are gone. At first it's staggering but after digesting the 'con' then all you can think is "good riddance". Gosh, what a poor and uninspiring way to be. Best away from all of the drama they cause and create. As you always say Dr C, there's so, so much more that can be gained from a more peaceful way of life. A 'pretending' person is, after all, not a person.
Staying true to who you are ❤️. Working on that now💝
You got this!
You know it's an extra good video when it feels like Dr C was there watching it all unfold.
This is sad that these con artist are reputable personal. Thank you Dr C for the ongoing support through your podcast. ❤
Screamers; my mom & I, between me being 12 to 20, never had a non-public conversation that screaming, on her part, wasn't involved. Being an only child I was stuck taking care of her till she was 92. After my wife died she got worse, back to treating me like an idiot teenager, asking if I washed my clothes, washed my dishes, cleaned the house; everything she called me PW because I did them while my wife was going through cancer treatment. She believed the only way I could function was a woman had to tell me everything to do; never mind I had a BS degree, had run successful businesses, had a good life going, but I wasn't an accountant like she demanded so I was a failure to every one who would listen to her. Actually had people from where went to church offer funancial assistance because thry didn't want me to lose my home, was never late on a payment, just mom telling them I was.
There are hours of stories; good friend said I was the only person she knew could spend a day with their mom and have an hour of good standup material. Had to find the humor in it or I'd been even more depressed and dispondent.
When anything begins as seeming ‘too good and generous to be true’…it will very likely end in ‘too coercive and diabolical to believe’. What has the power to ‘sweep us off our feet’…also has the power to ‘knock us on our ass’. Never give anyone…that much power. 🚩
Trying to train a horse to bark.... YES!!
God bless you for your wisdom and generosity of spirit. You have no doubt saved the lives of You tubers lucky enough to have discovered you. Thank you a thousandfold💜☮✝
Creating chaos, then crying how the family dynamic is not normal. No, it is not, we all grew up damaged. The only one we can “fix” is ourselves.
Wow thank you so much Dr Carter. I just love listening to you and your advice is balm on my wounds when I’ve been through the Hoover discard ringer. I’m a big fan sir
Glad it was helpful!
No one thinks they're going to be conned at the dental surgery, I was conned by both men, one has been failed, but he didn't just fail me he blatantly lied in writing. Both men are in court and I've been waiting 8 years for a bone graft. Both lied.
It means you can't trust anyone at all. Not anyone. They are so evil and sick. 😢
This is an incredibly accurate description of my narcissist : fake, manipulative, cunning, back-stabbing, lying, deceiving, cheating, obsessively controlling, promiscuous, and physically violent (even to his own wife and children) to name but a few of the traits that I experienced with my narc. His own daughter described him as “filthy scum”. I only wish that I had known about narcissism many years ago, because I would have taken the right steps to stop him much sooner. The right step was to separate myself from him completely, which however was not easy as he was my wife’s brother-in-law, and our next door neighbour.. not easy, but WORTH IT !!! My advice to anyone involved with a narcissist : get him/her OUT of your life !!! Completely and utterly !!!
Seven years after my divorce, I realize I basically married my narc sister. I was so conditioned (forced) to accept her behaviour towards me growing up (I was the youngest), that I had no red flags come up when I met my husband. Ironically, both professed to dislike each other. But now, looking back on it all, I see how much the two of them were alike. They should marry each other. Wouldn't that be fun?
They have a Norman Bates personality!
Dr. Carter, you are so insightful about this type of person, and your advice about how to deal with it has been very helpful to me. Thank you for making these videos, even in retirement.
My mother has poisoned our family with her covertly malicious narcissism for my entire life. When I heard your book's title it struck a sad cord with me... I know from experience that this kind of toxic energy, if you live with it every day, can be literally carcinogenic. My kind-hearted, peacemaker of a father learned that fact too late to save himself.
He has found his peace in the afterlife, but there are other ways to find peace as you are teaching us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help.
With respect and gratitude,
♥️
5:42 …. This is exactly what my ex wife would say is verbal abuse. When in conversation I would catch her lying to me and my voice would get louder because it just hurt and was getting me angry. Obviously I understand I am responsible for my actions but it does hurt knowing that the person you loved was not trusting.
Dr.C. You have been such an enormous help in my recovery from a 10 year relationship, marriage and ultimate divorce from someone with a covert narcissistic personality. It’s been nearly a year since I moved out, you were impacting me before that, helping me to see reality so I couldn’t excuse or explain it away anymore. I just want to thank you for sharing information that I desperately needed to begin this healing process. I know there are untold others who surely feel the same. You’ve been a blessing for me. Thank you.
So pleased for you. Know that I wish the best for you as you continue to grow and heal.
Compatibility is the key to long, healthy relationships. Narcissists lie about their compatibility with you. That is the ultimate deception.
Could you do a video on narcissistic parents please
Mainly mothers
Check this one out. th-cam.com/video/YOq5y4w7SHo/w-d-xo.html
Absolutely tremendous DR Le's, Thank you so much for this, These 2 Attach themselves to these groups, Quite revenge and competition , Triangulation, Manipulation, Influencing, No puppet on a string, Peace, love and respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high :-)
Since my childhood I was authentic, however I remember my aunt was telling my mother, I am worried about your son, how will ever survive in this world, her son would not get along with me I was attacked by him several times physically I still bears those marks on my body, my parents would not do a thing about it,he was narcissist,
Now years later his(my cousin)wife left him for another man in America, his best friend, one of his father comments before he died was, a woman wants a real man not a child, you know my friends karma happens and never miss a address, how I survived well I am on team healthy and figuring my past and healing and growing and my aunt passed away, my cousin is without of any source of supply, karma do happen.
Karma is real, Fred. Thanks for sharing this...you know I'm pulling for you!
@@SurvivingNarcissism thanks Doc!
So very true!
I think the only thing you can do with a narcissist is to break the spell and have no karmic attachments. Find your in dependence and say good bye.
You have helped me. Thank you
Glad to hear it!
In passing I mentioned to a colleague that I was a recovering alcoholic. I had been sober for five years and the company I worked for at that time could not be more supportive. Since I went into treatment, I suspect that everyone eventually found out but again, everyone was supportive. This colleague I spoke about was at a new job I had taken. He cautioned me not to mention it to any one. I was perplexed. I asked why. He said it could be used against me. I realize now this was "ammunition" which he could and did use against me when we had differences of opinion on issues.
He was revealing much about himself!! BTW, congratulations on the 5 years of sobriety.
Narcissism is easy to understand. I happen to be one. Here's my story: I am a king. It’s a small kingdom, but make no mistake, I am its king. I work hard to justify this role, but that is not why I am king. I was born a king. Divine Appointment. Many aspects of being a king are difficult to explain but some are simple. First, I am to be obeyed immediately, without question. Insubordination will not be tolerated. I don’t care what you think, or mutter under your breath, so long as you quickly comply with my demands. If not, there will be swift and severe consequences. It is not easy being king. There are many in my kingdom, dare I say most, who resent my authority. I deal with them with an iron fist and they quickly realize it is my way or the highway. This is as it should be since a kingdom depends on the reliable and subservient work of its inhabitants and therefore must be regularly purged of dissidents and rebels. There are those who question my decisions from time to time. I love them but puzzle over how stupid they are. Occasionally, out of boredom or for entertainment, I listen to their opinions and complaints, but the result is always the same: I am right and they are wrong. I am the king, appointed by God and given sufficient wisdom and power to control, discipline, and direct the behaviors of those under my authority. Why would God make me king if I did not have the wisdom to do the job? Sometimes a city dweller will come to me with a petition, a concern of some kind. Usually something to do with working conditions or freedoms. Most of the time I have no idea what they are talking about, so I just tell them to get back to work while suggesting they think about unemployment and incarceration. That usually sobers them up. Believe it or not, some have confronted me with accusations such as, “You think you are a king with absolute power!” I say, “Well, duhh.” That infuriates them. Others ask if it is lonely at the top, being king. I tell them there is no top or bottom, it is just me. Loneliness means nothing to me. I occupy my position because God gave it to me. I know no other position, and cannot comprehend what life might be like to be a typical denizen of my kingdom. God gave me the power to rule, but did not give me empathy. Empathy would cloud my thinking and impede my ability to make difficult decisions. While punishing the disobedient, I reward the compliant. I see it all the time. People come to me with praise and adoration. I see right through their attempts to manipulate me, but I enjoy it. This just convinces me how pathetic and depraved the people are. They tell me what I already know about myself while confirming my opinion of them. My kingdom seems to be diminishing over time. This is because the people are stupid and I have been too lenient. I suspect, in the end, I will be a kingdom of one, but I will always be a king. That is my destiny.
My wasband could nag the leg off a chair. I'd finally say Fine, whatEVER.
You hit the nail on the head. Everything you said accurately describes my narc ex. Everything!! 😊
🐕💜 Thank you Dr. C!
You are so welcome
I am a Christian. The way you describe this type of person sound like the could never become a Christian being like that. Is this how you see it?
Well, that's God's department. But I like to differentiate between being A Christian vs. Being Christian. One is a noun, the other is an adjective. I like being an adjective. Ultimately Christianity is about transforming the inner self.
@@SurvivingNarcissism My x son in law is a narcissist. My daughter divorced him 12 years ago. He still is extremely difficult for my daughter since they share custody with their 2 children. I have sent my daughter and my granddaughter your videos hoping it will help them understand how to deal with him. I wonder how it has affected the children. They are now 18 & 16.
I can assure you those claiming to be Christian are highly nsrcisstic
I keep falling for the Hoover
It takes practice. Be gentle with yourself. ❤
You hope it's real because it's a lot less dangerous.
I understand, I did too. I promised myself I wouldn’t go back this time. It’s often very difficult to resist. One thing I did that I find helpful is I made a “sobriety list” where I wrote down as many instances of abuse, manipulation, blame shifting, gaslighting etc that I could remember. I read it when I think about going back or contacting him. Hang in there, in my experience a trauma bond is very hard to break. 🙏🏻❤️
@@deb4610
Lack of empathy
No remorse
Manipulation
Deceitfulness
Insincere charm
If you doubt yourself and his conviction it is time to journal everything.
@@deb4610 thank you for this excellent suggestion. your care to take the time and share this means a lot,
My birth mother was one. It was devastating.
How about this one. “I don’t want to be your mother, I want to be your wife”