Why Narcissists Need A Target, And How You Can Opt Out
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.ย. 2024
- Narcissists carry much psychological pain, but instead of taking responsibility for personal healing, they look outward, insisting that you must make their lives easier. Dr. Les Carter describes why narcissists need you as a target, then he goes further by explaining how you can stay out of the role they have assigned you.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his TH-cam channel, his videos have received more than 115 million views.
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Narcs need a target because without you they would feel like a nobody.
I love your insights, Roxy.
And instead they leave their target feeling a total nobody. I found that truth out too. Once I'd hit the base-line (2016 I walked about telling myself 'im nobody, who are you, are you nobody too?' - and I had no-one to say that to. It was another three years before I escaped - 5 years on I'm still re-building 'me' - and Dr C is a HUGE part of that process.
Without external evaluation they have no identity
A female narc I knew actually said that. When we met she immediately began being super focused on me and began copying everything about me...the way I dress, do my hair, the foods I eat, etc. Then one day she sat there talking like a brainwashed zombie and said "I'm not a nobody"...these people are really creepy.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr Carter. I feel honored.
The answer is to OPT OUT .
Walk away.
Leave the madhouse.
Yes!
I call it the house of hell
Narcs need a target because they do not feel responsible at all for their feelings and therefore it is "your task" to take responsibility for them.
Yes ,anything, to have peace and harmony, I love some body, please, I just got to be ok, linda in Texas
That is a good way of putting it 👍
That’s how being co dependent works
All narcissists are co dependent
Wow good wording!
Usually after they are living off you, right?
They cannot do so any longer from prison, I find.
They are always looking for someone to target. A scapegoat. Not volunteering for that job anymore 😀
All they need is to find someone to put up with them and the game is on.
Imagine having a target: disliked,disapproved of and barely tolerated.
That target removes themselves from the situation.
Another target is found.Same as above (only worse probably) ….
Then suddenly,the old target is elevated in comparison to the target.
They want the old target back but now they approve of whom they disapproved of (and they won’t fight back) for years.
Just to stick it to the newest target.True Story.
Same here.
Going from the shameful struggle of constantly trying to appease the narcissist, to having the power to choose to opt out of their dysfunction is such an empowering feeling
I am no longer the scapegoat(not an asked-for role) to my narc, woman-hating, self-serving father and his flying monkey girlfriend(she said "that's the way he's always been, he won't change" I refuse to bend over backwards to accomodate his attitude problem/behavior. She infuriated me with that excuse. She's not a new girlfriend, but she hasn't been there since I was kid, either. Dad is still a narcissistic, misogynistic and sadistic father. I am not in contact with him, or her. But especially him, he's not worth the trouble he caused me, and blamed me for. He's an asshole! She's no better.
They have a hierarchical view of life and a pathological need to 'win'. They don't 'win' by improving their skills, they 'win' by trying to destroy those around them who they view as competition. 🎯
And, more than competition, beneath them in every way despite that being untrue. Bless all of us who have lived with these demons.
Exactly. They can't go up so they need to bring you down.
@@wildhorses6817 we need to get rid of these demonic forces and we do not take this pathetically. God will give us the upper hand eventually
@@wildhorses6817 please pray for me ... need to move asap
My daughter in law's mother sees me as competition. Anything I do is threatening to her position in the family. Then to eliminate me she lies to the family and brings me down. It really hurts as my son will not let me defend myself. I feel betrayed by him. However, these videos have given me the understanding and support I need so I'm moving on without them. It's lonely but I'll survive. Time heals most everything.
The one thing that will set you free from a narcissist is simply when you stop caring. That very moment when you realize you need to do something more important with your life than to deal with them is when you are free.
The difference between you and that person is they need you, you don't.
Unfortunately it is not that simple when you have been trauma bonded for a long time, like in my case when you have Narcissistic parents. To solve the trauma bond can take a very long time because your "whole system" had been programmed falsely.
@@roxymovie3938Better late than never.
@@roxymovie3938This is what I am trying to figure out as well. The how to
That's exactly when I became free
This is true
Arrested Development = narcissist
So true!!
From what I saw in my nex's eyes, how they literally became darkened when he was raging, I believe demon oppression, if not possession, is the spiritual source. From what I have read and understand from the Bible, Lucifer began thinking so highly about himself that he foolishly took on the God of the Universe. Since he got swiftly kicked out of heaven like a lightning bolt, he's been taking on God's beloved children. And to show you how strongly deceitful he is, remember that he took a third of God's angels with him...
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 I sure don’t believe this.
More like demonic possession....
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753thank you for your reference. We do not take this pathetically we pray to God for these demonic people to be revealed in the eyes of every sincere human so as not be harmed we have the strongest on our side and He will prevail for us
My personal freedom is too important to me to be part of any narcissistic games.
Narcissists never ever change, run the hell away and don't look back
Amen And So be it 😊
My covert narc mother actually worsened--she was becoming more overt around the time I left the family forever.
One of the reasons is that they need a screen. They project their inner hatred onto you. 📽
Although i cognitively understand this, it just feels so damn personal all of the time ..
@@PantaRhei-wz5znYes... bc it is..for You.❤
Because they themselves are only talking about themselves and everyone needs to look at ourselves to see how we can respond like Jesus Christ 🙏🏿🕯️ and follow in His footsteps to bring Joy to GOD..
Yes, it is sad the degree of HATE and Blame they project onto the target. And, they spread those lies to others who also hate their targets. It makes this world very disturbing.
Perfectly put
👍🏻
I’m done being the emotional piñata at their dysfunctional family picnic.
Emotional Pinatas are a great analogy so true for the reason I always avoid family gatherings and groopism
I use the term "punching bag"
There is no way you can understand or talk with a narcissist. It doesn't matter what you do or try, nothing works. If you stay you'll destroy yourself completely.
I dont have any patience at this point in my life for their mental manipulation games. I leave them alone and I opt out!
It demonstrates the narcissist’s co dependency - all narcissists are co dependent in their existence - to get narcissistic supply and protect their fragile ego… AT SOMEONE ELSE’S EXPENSE ALWAYS
Many are falsely judged by narcissists.
Truth!
Yes, because they think they know it all. Their ego will be their downfall.
@@chanteynk7324 Many people cannot look beyond their own worldview.
A sincere curiosity is essential to spiritual growth.
I encounter extremely few sincerely curious people in my independent research on Synchronistic Mathematics.
Not one YT Influencer has connected with me--- yet I get censored often.
@@cindys.9688 I just posted this on a 3-week-old "short video" about "bad energy".
"I wrote on a messageboard of 55,000 member from 2003 to 2016.
What I learned--- was it was me. I had to face the reality of my judgements about others. Without a face to face interaction it is very easy to project one's own false reality onto others."
Already censorship here at Dr Carter's channel.
When I failed to give them the much-needed supply, they resorted to insults. It occurred right after my suggestion to end the relationship.
What struck me most and was the reason for the PTSD I suffered in the aftermath was that the insults were not only personal but carefully thought through to inflict maximum emotional damage. They knew exactly where to hit.
They are emotionally immature but not stupid. They are shrewd with their viciousness and want you to doubt yourself by hitting where it hurts. That is a big win for them in their pathetic game 😢
Being as boring as possible, grey rocking..great way to avoid becoming a target in the first place. I start doing this as soon as I get the first hint of narcissism from a person.
Perhaps the key lesson about narcissism from the target's point of view: they transfer their inner turmoil onto you. In other words: their behavior towards you is a reflection of them, not you. This makes it possible to detach and not take things personally.
What's inside must come to the outside. That's why they need people. They tell you exactly who they are.
Narcs need scapegoats. The flying monkeys are happy to go along with it because when you are gone, they take your place. I have seen this happen in my family, at work, at Church etc... They always act so shocked & hurt when you finally walk away
Exactly 💯
Giggled at the thought of narc feeling butthurt!!
I DISAGREE, I AM A ONLY CHILD AND HAVE BEEN SUBJECT TO THE RED QUEEN (MOM) FOR ALL OF MY 52 YEARS AND JUST RECENTLY BECAME HIPP TO THE FAMILY CULT. I DON'T BELIEVE FOR ONE SECOND THAT ANY OF THE PLAYERS WOULD BE EVEN SLIGHTLY INTERESTED IN MY ASSIGNED ROLE AS SCAPEGOAT DAUGHTER TO THE ENTIRE FLIM FLAM FAMILY.
Sometimes they target someone they have committed a criminal offence against, eg child sexual abuse. They are determined that that person's voice will never, ever be heard or believed, for obvious reasons...
Right. A child can't minimize contact with malignant narcissistic perps
@@victoriarafael I'm nearly 60 and he's still determined to sully my name. I have now - very belatedly - cut contact
Attempts to destroy credibility. Already damaged so much
Indeed I opted out of being a punching bag for lessor evolved people. Calmly letting people know their behavior is no longer acceptable - such as saying demeaning, diminishing language is not ok has been quite effective. This actually surprises people, as they are accustomed to bullying and not being held to account for abusive language/behavior.
Yup then I went gray rock & the last one just disappeared
In the midst of abuse, sometimes, it's a surprise to think I don't deserve the belittling and damaging abuse, as well.
@@michignamymichigan sadly… thing is- no one else defines you. Unless you allow this behavior. When you decide you are done being chastised, demeaned and ridiculed- you will claim your personal power -the right to be treated with respect and dignity. You ARE worth the effort! Your peace of mind is precious as are you! As a child of God how could you be otherwise? Or perhaps you haven’t realized this yet.. stay safe and take care. IMHO- The Anger Games with Dr. C is a much better option than The Hunger Games..
I try to tell the narcissistic building managers that their behavior is not acceptable but they have a tactic of talking over the tenants so they don't have to hear what we are saying.
Good to hear something worked for someone!!🎉
Keep your distance, live your successful life and let them live there failed attempts
They can be very 'successful' too.
Not true rosie
Detachment has saved me so much grief. I finally made the decision to move out and closer to my mom who has been a 9 hours drive from me for most of my life. Looking forward to enjoying her while I have a chance. I am completely at peace now.
Im being targeted, its horrible.
Stay here. Get tools to help you think your way out.
Yes, I hear U. 😮
Me too, from my sister. 😢
I know exactly how it feels. These videos, therapy, self care and yes, even hypnosis have restored my faith in myself. There is a way to come to terms with it if you can’t leave the situation, knowledge is power. I am back to trusting myself, albeit with that psychological limp. Wish I never knew, but now I do. I realize I am a target because I am a decent person. It makes all the difference in the world.
Your not alone
I'm so tired of being called a bitch for standing up. This has to come to an end. It really does.
Agreed.
What I hear from others when I stick up for myself against the narcissist is that I'm not being forgiving or spiritual enough since I'm bringing attention to someone else's flaws. Guess it didn't matter, though, that the narcissist was picking on me. 😏
@@wittymystic7361. Straight facts are the Holy Spirit is our teacher, and Christ is the refiner. Anyone else who takes on this role makes themselves God! All of this is for the jerks who do this to us…that THEY might be saved.
@@GracieDontPlayDat Excellent point!
I have a big target painted on me. I seem to collect narcissists! But I’m learning to put my shields up when I sense their behavior. They quickly go away when I don’t buy their bullshit.
Bless them all with your silence and your absence . Peace be unto you all.😊🎉❤
Your advice seems to be based on limited knowledge of other people's lives.
It's not so easy for many people just to be silent and absent.
It is statistically possible for people to have other experiences than you have had.
@ susanmercurio1060,
The, “ silence “ can mean no more sharing of your life and speaking about yourself to them; it only gives them fodder to their burning you with that information. And, absence could mean detach from them emotionally. This is not easy to learn to do. It can take several years and trys but it is possible and mandatory since they’re everywhere now ( they’re in the news, church, politics, medical field, on and on ) and you can’t leave, from off of the earth.
@@bonnielee7134 I already don't approach them or start any conversation with them. As the managers of my apartment building, they are free to approach me whether I want them to or not. They will make up "emergencies" which allow them to enter my apartment without my consent.
I think your advice is great. Because you can’t get what don’t give. If you want peace you have to be peaceful.
When you say absence I take it to mean you are prioritizing your peaceful life. In proverbs it says better a crumb in peace then a feast with conflict. ( Not an exact quote but the point.)
Last thing 🙂...
Something I've also noticed about narcissists is when something goes wrong in their lives, they look to blame others. You're not allowed to make mistakes, even when you OWN THEM (unlike the narc) because they TWIST those things into "ATTACKS" on them or attribute any shortcoming as a reason for their failures, even if there's no logic in it.
Their reality is so skewed. It's like they paint an 'abstract" picture and tell you it's "realism."
I like your analogy of the picture!!! 😊
BTW when I was dealing with a Sociopath, I found everything very "surrealistic" 😉
@roxymovie3938 Thank you🤗 That "surrealism" is definitely due to them imposing their delusions on you. Narcs make us question our own reality because of the gaslighting, minimizing, and deflecting. That's why I now refuse to engage in a way that would lead to the same insanity. The person I have to deal with is family and hard to avoid.
Great analogy!❤ I am going to remember that one. 👍
@@AlwaysHapp1989 😉👍🏻
Boycott narcissists!
If you are successful in resolving your life's situations, they are envious and they hate you.. If you have some difficulty and failure in resolving your life's situations, they gloat and feel superior, and they will still hate you. You cannot win with these people. The best thing you can do with these people is minimize your contact with them ...Period !!!
I've heard Team Healthy say not to give them info and it is so true. Give nothing because you are giving info on what they don't see others see about themselves.
@@t_nels I want to get on team wealthy and buy a narcissist free island....
2:49 “50-year-old version of the mean girls”🤣 I have a coworker who’s even worse than that.
My ex is a male, and I’ve said this about him. It’s definitely mean girl behavior. Not masculine at all.
Thinking out loud. 1) A narc assumes everyone (i.e. Target) is SO interested in them, and can somehow see/know/care the shame/pain they are in. 2) The narc uses toxicity on target to either distract/confuse the observers, or else to "normalize" pain. 3) Blindsided Target is bewildered by behavior so impossible to understand and wonders what they could have done to cause it. 3A) Knowing Target sees the behavior and employs grey rock techniques, not accepting the toxicity.
No contact is also one option in opting out too if you have that option
The narcissist simply will choose a new target
Not always, because I have cut a lot of toxic people off. However, a few of them make a point to try to insert themselves into my life very often. At this point, it's criminal what these individuals are doing. Therefore, I don't understand why they can't see that what they're doing is stalking and harassment. Nonetheless, it's totally on them and not my problem. I guess they are fine with having a criminal record.
@@Confessions089get a legal restraining order from the courts - hire a lawyer - many states recognize toxic narcissists and their stalking harassing behaviors nowadays especially in domestic abuse cases
Yes but they get mad at u for it & try to destroy U for not staying & playing along with their BS. After u initiate the no contact, then they work on what other people think of U & try to destroy U that way. From my experience, this is what I learned 😢😮❤
@@teresadvorak6145It's true. They never move on.
I like how ol Gus back there seems to embody the attitude needed to deal with difficult people, it really helps to reinforce what you’re saying in the video.
We can learn a lot from our furry loving companions❤️
The “how” is what we work on learning here. The “why” is what intrigues me.
Aaron, I love your analytical thinking style.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I’m just trying to understand. Thank you for broadening my perspective.
@@t_nels The intrigue is purely intellectual. I want to understand, but not experience. I’m relieved that the discard I experienced isn’t one way any longer. I know better now. And the realization that I’m clued in now, makes me totally useless for supply. She knew that back then, and even a skilled Hoover attempt would accomplish nothing for her now.
They need a target because their locus of control comes from outside of them. Nothing has meaning to them unless it’s witnessed by another. They are so very empty inside.
@@aaronkwolfeThank you for writing about "the discard not being one way anymore." I didn't start learning about narcissism until a few months AFTER our relationship ended (suddenly he was so fragile he could not stand for me to pose a question to him about ANYthing, so he kicked me out), so It's only now the same for me, but I just didn't have the clarity of your words, and I really needed that. It's not that I threw him away, but that I would never return to him again, even though I loved him dearly. By the grace of God pointing me to these videos and the many excellent comments written by others who obviously had similar experiences, I now have enough understanding so that I won't be vulnerable like that again. When I was being love-bombed, I simply didn't understand what was going on, and his unreasonable and even crazy behavior didn't start until after we married. It amazes me that he could keep up his deceptiveness for so long, and then slowly his veneer started cracking, and before I could understand what was happening, our whole relationship got set on fire by hell itself. This is not love, not what God intended for us. If it's not of love, it's not of God, because He IS love!
Narcissist never lived, to live with false self is a life never lived. It would be nice title for a book that I would like to write.
I think you can also say their love is never heart felt, just another act. My most recent ex-narc would talk about feeling empty; an energy healer I went to after leaving the relationship said his energy was that of a tin man living a double life. No heart or soul purpose. She helped me clear his energy.
Write it!
my best friend of 50+ years slowly, very slowly, increased the disrespect until passing the pointcof no return. Called him and abandoned hom. What surprised me is that I felt no sense of loss. Was sad the first day, maybe the second then none.
Then my free time tasted sweeter with no obligatipns to the covert narc. Felt emancipated.
You can do it too!
YOU DESERVE RESPECT!
I have a vision where I peacefully walk away from the Monopoly game when the narc acts up. Game over! Hope this helps someone. It certainly helps me. The key word here is "peacefully".
I would like to just shut the door and walk away when the narcissistic building managers come to my apartment to start sh!t but lately they put their foot in the door to stop me from shutting it.
@@susanmercurio1060 yeah, that's part of the sick game too. Close the door mentally. Not easy but possible. Just understand that it's a game and you don't have to play. You get to decide the rules for your life. One of my rules is that I do not waste time trying to reason with toddlers. They are not capable of reasoning. Hope that helps.
I will use "War Games" To win is not to play(paraphrased)!
@susanmercurio106 reminds me of my narc mother, I'm trying to drive & she's starting arguments. My truck. I was such a terrible driver, According to her, but always wanted me to chauffeur her around everywhere. I turned up the radio so I couldn't hear her. She said she wouldn't go anywhere else with me. Played victim. Then another time, reached over & turned it down. I wonder what happened to her never getting in my truck ever again.😅😂
@@visaormastercard omg! NARCS love to backseat drive and upset the driver. It's actually a dangerous game. It's almost like they want you to hit something. They also see it as an opportunity to torture you. Like they have you captured inside the car. Now I tell the narc It's better when he drives because he doesn't like my driving. Lol I'm laughing now but it's actually a very serious situation. Be safe.
I am no longer my dysfunctional family's garbage disposal or scapegoat.
Much love to Team Healthy on a holiday often fraught with family tension.
I'm 68ish and just learned not to be
ANYONES SCAPEGOAT.....🤮
@dewuknowHIM No contact gets easier a few years in. I rid myself of that inauthentic critical inner voice, too, and I see my life clearly. All the best to you in your journey.
Crazy 88 ?? What's that mean ?
@JustinRabJDog People (often families) gather on Memorial Day.
What does crazy 88 mean ?
You were born in 1988
I think they also need a target is because if the target gets mad, the narcissist feels powerful and that you care about them. The phrase that works for me is "That's on you." They inevitably try to turn any problem on me so that phrase almost always shuts them down, I don't get triggered and I walk away.
Thanks, i may borrow this one ....😃
Your daily reminder: Respectful people are respectable 🤔💗
Dr C, you have it in spades 😁
Thanks!
Narcissists think you agree on everything with them unless you "opt out." It's so annoying. They never use an "opt-in" consent. ✔
🎂 I love the idea that a Magical Website would exist where you could tick a "Opt Out/ Opt In" box next to : 'Are you open to futher narcissistic interactions' ....
Wonderful idea ! If you ever find a programmer that can execute this, please post a notice for us 😁 I am the first one on site ! Opt out✔
I dont understand why TH-cam keeps eating up my messages ... Uggh. This is my second. Where did the first one go ?
If only there was a Magical Website that did you let cross the box "Opt In/ Opt out" , right next to the question 'Are you open to any more narcisstic interactions ?' .... What a glorious daydream ... ✔
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn That often happens. I assume it's a bug in TH-cam. Sometimes your comment reappears when you toggle Top comments/Newest ordering options.
I know know tec, but my community is surviving, plus bam, this happen in another country, the poor environment, man my Doctor, it's all in the way you need to feel, I seen this un normal stuff form, right up, tender butt, my big sister, it's not a pretty sight, hec I'm proud to be a hound dog, I'm proud of my community, feed these people to the dogs, I laughed, look at me now, begging for mercy, don't be ugly to people, that's all we need, nothing new under the sun
My mother put a target on me. She is now gone, but my new neighbor acts just like my mother. UGH. I refuse to play her game...she can one up me all she wants. Thank God for fences!!
Same here
I was violently taught that it was my fault. Whatever "it" was.starting very, very young. Going to when I escaped as soon as physically possible, and beyond during young adulthood. NO contact was the ONLY defense I had.
Parts of the work now is to spot when old patterns are triggered. Regrettably easy to start, regrettably difficult to stop. I wonder if this is how addicts feel. How addiction starts, another way to cope.
What a nasty hateful way to be, to be narcissistic. To treat people that way, and see no reason, have no reason, to be any other way.
Thanks for the tools to handle them. I grieve for the kids stuck with them. But now, finally, with your work and that of others, the facts and tools ARE GETTING OUT THERE! Dr. C, I've been following your work for a couple of years. I'll be 74 this year. I went 70 years not having this information. So desperately needed. Thank you. Bless you for your work!
Trauma from narcissism definitely caused me to go down the path of drugs. I have always had friends push me to relapse when I got clean. It became their mission to keep me in the dark meanwhile I escaped the cycle. Hard to get over nicotine/weed ive quit much harder drugs. I dont drink and im hoping further down the healing process I can be drug free.
I made a mistake since last Oct to trust a family member and I'm back here putting my armor back on with a total opt out . Thanks again Dr Carter . Correct a wise man he will thank you , correct a fool he will mock you . Tired of being mocked .
Praying for yourself and your enemies helps out immensely as well.
So very true! 🙏 AMEN to that! 🙏
My 91 year old Mom still tries to bait me into toxic conversations. I have set boundaries, which she always ignores. She lives to push buttons to cause reactions in the family, so she can pretend to be perfect by watching a drama she creates. I am aware of the game now, so I refuse to play.
My health has improved, my peace restored, my mental clarity returned, since this person has been removed from my every day life. I thank the LORD and pray for that person. I don't gloat over them or laugh in the "face."
But, so much has been revealed since their exit, like the fact they had these narcissistic traits and the high degree of emotional immaturity. Being the peacemaker that I am and a person who likes reason and understanding, my expectations were higher and so as a result, my heart was wounded. But now, I see all that has been exposed. Having someone live with me other than my husband at this point is not for me, and even moreso when they are narcissistic. Lessons learned.
Dr Les stands for dignity, respect & love ♥️ he’s a life saver!
My ex would only come over to my house to visit during the last year of the relationship, to use me as a target for all of his frustrations in life and then expect me to be with him intimately. When things didn't go his way, he'd look like a toddler throwing a fit. This man is in his 50's, but had the emotional intelligence of a child. It was painful, but after seeking out therapy for myself & learning more about narcissism & trauma bonds, he finally pushed me too far and I had no choice but to go no contact after 4yrs of his blaming & shaming.
Sounds like you did all you could, but we all know it will never be valued and seen as enough
I have long given up trying to talk to narcissist. It’s impossible and very demoralising.yesterday I walked past him. As soon as he saw me he started singing in an annoying out of tune way,deliberately loud. I kept on walking. There is absolutely no point. I could feel him wilt. He’s desperate to engage. But these sessions help me develop strategies to keep going. My life is valuable and I want to live my best life. Thanks again.Judy uk
For their shared fantasy to hide their false self and the void and to keep their life on
You mean while they are together for example planning to ride horseback through the city often or just once again on occasion in grandiose fashion? Yeah.
"non thinking"
YUP.
My wife was always fond of attacking me by saying .... "you always analyze everything" ........ like it was a bad thing to be doing.
Sounds like my mother about my "collecting useless information" and asking & wondering too much about too many things...
I think it's due to how comfortable they are being ignorant...
The narcissist in my family is the covert type, but as you say, "a reactor", so they declared me "toxic" instead of taking responsibility for their emotional dysfunction.....Long ago stopped showing any interest in who I am or what I need.....If I phoned for a chat, they declared they didn't have time to talk, but I could keep them on the phone talking about themselves. The minute I changed the subject back to me and my concerns and experiences and thinking, again, they said again that they were too busy to talk. Then when I switched the subject back to them, they talked about themselves for another half hour. I could switch their self-centered monologues on and off like a light switch!!!
Yes - I got a malicious message from a son who hasn't been in touch for 5 years - it projected on to me EVERYthing his father lived. I reeled from the blow and tried to think have *I* been the 'abuser' all along??? But I know I sought peace - and the family system was just out for 'war'.
I have noticed my narc mother of 77 years do this. I just sat there thinking, you really are self interested
I learn something new with every video you post. I always wondered why the narc would not ask questions about things important to me, and never called me by my name.
Answer, they were dehumanizing me.
I love getting to see "Gus" in all of your videos!
Because they are lost by themselves. They cannot be alone or look into themselves as they would be overwhelmed by accepting the truth. So much rather they project thwir hatred onto others and attack them, to
1. distract from anything they are doing to huet others
2. They can 'justify' their spiteful actions when you aren't responding 'accordingly'
3. Any further communication will be about your flaws
4. They elevate themselves as "you aren't better than me"
Opting out? Don't engage. Politely and non-judgemental (meaning neutrally) call out their actions, deflect.
Be your targe against their arrows of useless attack . Pling - BOING!
That advice is useless with the narcissists in my life who are the managers of my subsidized senior high-rise apartment building.
of course they want to know your back story! You stated they don't care, because they would be obligated to share theirs. First, they want your back story so they can exploit your wounds and weaknesses. They make up their backstory.
I wish I had seen it sooner with my ex. To him, everyone who is different from him is wrong. What a narrow perspective on others.
I need to opt out and I am getting better at it but sometimes… I guess a person can only take so much . I have grown since I have been listening to Dr C, and although I am still here I am learning how to leave without being drawn back in . So thank you and team healthy . If I miss tomorrow no worries I will be watching later.
Your not alone,3 steps forward, 1 back ❤
I wish I had your advice 50 years ago. So glad I have it now. It’s a lonely place when a narcissist is beating you down. They’re so convincing. These videos have given me the strength to say enough. Narcissists have to have the last word. But my brilliant friend advised me that no response is actually the last word. Next step is to overcome the lifelong self shame due to the abuse.
Yes because you're a child having to endure and noone stands up for you, noones thinking, it's just a child
Yea they are so so convincing. They can make you believe you are a monster.
It took me *years* to realize that my older brother is a narcissist. Everything fits. I moved from MA to CA for school and work, and I now feel great! Haven't heard from him in 13 years.
So lucky!!!! Happy for you : )
My Narc even blames me when she forgets something. I ignore her and live my own life.
The receptacle we're going to be is "their shame bag." I'm just repeating a comment I saw somewhere else, not trying to take credit for it. I've found that really clear terminology helps me understand more clearly, helps me not feel bad about staying far away (even though I feel so sorry for my husband, who I dearly loved) which helps bring me peace. I used to feel so badly that even though it was obvious that he carried around so much pain, we couldn't work anything out, no matter how many times I entreated him, but now I understand why. Narcissism is so tragic.
I find it best to not engage at all - pointing out any differences is what shows them there is a conflict and they happily put a target on your back. And then they never stop. There is nothing I can say or do that will undo their layers of psychological defenses. Nor am I interested in using my energy that way. However, this kind of talk is wonderful for internal work - helping me to be clear about my boundaries and my choices.
I tell myself nothing they say is true about me. Any accusation they make is a confession. I often say, "I am sorry you feel that way". End of my part of the interaction.
I think that is strong of you. I am working on saying, “I understand that is how you feel”. I’m bad about saying sorry at the drop of a hat especially if I haven’t done anything. learning I am not responsible for how others perceive things. For me, when the phrase “sorry you feel that way” is said to me, it feels insincere and disrespectful so I try not to say it to others, in my opinion. It is my way of respecting their opinion even though I completely disagree. It’s hard and I’m a work in progress and trying to follow the guidelines of Dr C. ❤
I really dont care what they think of me i just want my financial opportunities back. Security as i grow old. Dreams back. Goals back.
Yes! Ditto All that you said and my good health, energy and vitality too. oh yeah joy and peace too!
My narc brother would rage and persist with trying to get his wife into agreeing with him. She would be required to say the exact words he expected or he'd exhaust her into hiding in the locked bathroom. He'd continue badgering her for hours and wouldn't allow her to go to bed and get some well needed sleep. He'd often wake her up very early the next morning, (after being able to get some sleep), and he'd start the same conflict all over again. She's still with him. I am totally NC with him.
My narc runs to the bedroom and gets in a fetal position on the bed when he gets his narc "injury." Sometimes he flies into a rage and throws and breaks laptops and cell phones.
That sounds so peaceful.
He knows he made a mistake,
but cannot face the introspection.
It must be agony, being them.
My oldest brother is a very abusive Jehovah’s Witness. Many JW’s are narcissists. Easy way to get supply.
He's crazy.
Dr Carter I believe this is the best explanation you have made of a narcissist good job 😊
Glad you think so!
Wow, Doctor Les, I'm so grateful that you explain everything so succinctly! I think you should call this video "Narcissism 101." Now I can understand what was going on, and that does make it easier on me. You know, I experienced our whole relationship without understanding what was happening, from the first moment we met to the terrible end, and his one hoovering test to see if I still loved him (and I did)-- so he could immediately dump me and rip my guts out by nonchalantly texting me that he simply didn't have time for me. This shows me that he NEVER wanted my love, and he SURELY didn't love me-- because afterward, he found out I still loved him and hoped to reconcile, yet he chose to say and do the most evil things he could think of to try to destroy me, rather than bring me back home for a second chance. Thinking back and reconsidering everything from the very beginning and seeing all the stark truth has been so painful, especially my final realization that I was never loved, just a target-- but it's exactly what's enabled me to begin healing. For some reason, so far I have to watch at least one of these videos daily to remind myself what the sad truth of our relationship really is, so I can keep my distance and continue healing. I'm 71, and I'd already been a widow for 12 years, and I had such hope for sweet, fun companionship and love throughout our future years together, so letting go has been very hard. My prize is knowing I'm not good narcissistic supply, and enjoying life without an evil person in it, as much as I can every day, and being FREE to love again!
You say that they don’t want anyone to know them but one in my life talks about herself incessantly telling the same stories over and over. I know about all about her marriage of 40 years ago and her subsequent boyfriend after that and her growing up. It’s awkward how many times she’s told these stories. It’s like she wants to force feed herself and her life onto others. But whenever I try to bring up a story about myself, she changes topics and knows very little about my backstory after over twenty years of being part of our family.
Dr C: "target practice". Oh boy that is outrageously right on. Thank you for making my day brighter!! (for countless years)
The synchronicity of these messages being exactly what I need to hear at the time they are given is profound.
CS Lewis described evil in as drawing everything toward itself, undermining faith, sowing seeds of doubt…Dr. C like a master mechanic unpacks it all so we can step on back from the Dark Side & focus on the Light💖 BTW highly recommend The Screwtape Letters for insight into all of the above…
I agree. But still, one can try all they want to opt out or try to dodge the arrows that eventually fly until the narcissist realizes Love for others internally, there is only one option, and that is to quit the relationship once and for all. So many of us just want the narcissist to be better, and heal, if you will, but in my experience, just like in war, you have to decide the right course of action.
Think about a toy that makes loud, obnoxious noises and has flashing lights. Its about drawing all the attention from everyone within ear (and eye!) shot. With a toy we have the option of taking out the battery. A narc is alot like that toy. Guess what their "battery" is? That's right! Our Supply!! Drain the tanks! Pull the plug! Find your Healthy! Unite in knowledge with those who understand! Thanks Dr C, SIR GUS! TH - Be well, be blessed!
Great analogy, Bara!!! 👏👏👏
(I can see it like a film in my head and I have to laugh 😅😂.)
SPOILER ALERT
So, basically, if you are unable to walk away/ quit the relationship, become DETACHED.
This happened to me naturally, after WAAAY too much had happened. I did get complaints: "We find it so hard to connect with you these days" (Translation: i no longer require their validation, + no longer willing to jump through hoops for them, + not silently let pass any faux pas actions from them (they get a written email stating: this x went wrong, please fix by doing y) no longer letting it slide...
This video is based on the assumption that relationships with a narcissist in your life is more-or-less voluntary. By "voluntary" I mean that even if the narcissist is a parent or spouse, you can leave the relationship if you decide to.
I am in a position with some narcissists that is not so "easy" to leave.
And as much as I would like to sign up for your online courses, I can't afford them.
Saul Alinsky's Rules for Radicals book teaches people how to be narcissistic and gaslight. We have politicians in America that live by Rules for Radicals.
Yes lol I read it and thought the same thing. This is the playbook for all narcissists, and the crazy part is that no narcissist actually has to read it!! It’s all instinctual for them!!
We can minimise contact with the narcissist to the minimum. I anchor in my own decency and I trust myself and don’t want to have anything to do with the narcisists.
I love what Tina Turna said, "the way out is through the door."
This is a good one. Hope I can remember all this when I have the next confrontation! Remember I am listening to an underdeveloped pre pubescent mindset - and "whatever" 👍
Narcs are ball less tragedies in motion...
Thank you so much Dr Carter. Feeling trapped in a difficult marriage but staying for sake of children
just behave as if you got nothing to lose, and those cowards will run like Forest.
The sick grin at disturbing, offensive things! They placed a short repeatedly so I would hear it. I let it play out and after their hands were free I asked are you going to keep that playing? They shut it off.
I am sure they knew what I felt. My inaction meant nothing, to be sure. Yet, I was indifferent to their attempt. That was the difference. I saw it for what it was and only felt pity for them.
They need to learn how to cope and not take their crap out on others! Thanx Doc.😊
I'm getting support to deal better with my narc.
That is exactly it.
I don't play any 'reindeer games' or scapegoat games any longer!!
My nose ain't glowing red, I no longer carry myself as the runt of the litter, I ain't stupid, and my name ain't 'RUDOLPH' in their shared fantasy game! Nor is my name Doormat, Super Mommy, Unintended Sparring Partner, Punching Bag For A Narc Windbag, Fellow Idiot Child, etc.
Point 7 dot 10 " their own internal disarray".! She the narcissist called me Saturday at noon to let me know that she had free time and her free car to perhaps have me. Join her for coffhee and she could pick me up at my place. I had been sleeping and did not call her back till 5 hours later. When she did not answer the phone I let it ring. Because I was waiting for her voicemail, which she does not seem to have. After 7 rings, she picked up and hung up. This reveals her rage and control for my not getting back to her. To accept her offer.
It's hard to minimize or go not contact. When it's a sibling 🤦🏻♀️ and have property that is combined.
Take years to disentagle, and can take even more years if that sibling ignores you & refuses to separate & if the people involved with property mess up things too 🤦🏻♀️☠️
The “elephant” in the living room, who never gets mentioned, is the worst narcissist our country, if not the world, has ever seen. We are all his targets. Say “No” to him in No-vember.
I will say No to him and his Bidenomics!
You might say this but I am going to say it before I forget. That target has to go somewhere so when the target is off of us it will go to someone else. It might be at a subconscious level but the flying monkies or minions know this so that is why they will freak out or ghost or gaslight or whatever to us..
UG, so sick of this pattern!!! Grateful for this video … I intellectually know this is crap but do get emotionally hurt and thrown off from my own personal value. Still under the delusion that reasonable conversations with a narc husband are possible 🙄🙄🙄 Keep striving, Team Healthy!! 💪🥰
Thank you so much as i keep saying THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE no with them the truth sets me free. The truth is intimidating and threatening for them.
Thank you Dr Carter , yes I opted out of my narcs play book , it's mentally draining !! If someone treats you like an option , leave them as a choice !
When I do have to go to an event or happen to run into the narcissists that I cannot avoid, I remember the acronym "DRC" Dignity, Respect, and Civility and that helps, thanks Dr. C!
I had 2 major narcissists present in my life, I have a photo of them together, in a disagreement, I was photographing other people, and they ended up in the photo, its the most cold silently aggressive thing you ever saw.
Most often they have given their life over to someone else who controls they're actions leaving them not responsible and w lack of empathy because they are only doing as they must to survive. Like a slave. It's very sad actually.
Family narc (after twisting the truth, unneeded arguments, lies ) "Well, yes, but i need to defend myself..." = literal quote.
Not like that, you don't. But that is exactly what they never understand They are "just taking care of business" in their minds...☢
Still wondering how many had it taken instead of giving it. I do realize it was easy for them to be taken because they were in a false religion, which they continued to choose in the face of Biblical contradictions, and they didn’t have the spiritual armor needed to defend from becoming a pod person.
narcissists never get karma . they carry on as if nothing has happened but one day they will face their maker .
I agree. Waiting for them to get karma is another way their demons trap us into bitterness. We have to release them and wish them well and learn to really mean it. That way we are free.
They live their karma… they spend their lives pretending to be anything and anyone just to get attention…. Imagine you whole life and nobody knows you… they have met you … they may even be “friends” with “the body” but they have absolutely no clue who you are… you’ve been pretending to be someone else so long you actually forgot who you were… you’re empty…and the hole inside of you can’t ever be filled… be cause that hole is where “you” are supposed to be … but there is no “you” …. Their karma a lifetime of helplessness…. And their never ending drive to do everything they can to stay in power of others so that nobody knows how weak they actually are….
Iron sharpens iron.
Thank you, Dr. C.! I have fresh strategies now for dealing with a family member who "can't believe that he/she could possibly have said something very upsetting" and who hung up the phone when I offered to discuss this.