The X Toxic husband seemed to slip into dissociation and at times violence. He could then be the most calm articulate person soon after when interacting with authorities. It became too stressful and scary never knowing when he would explode, it did not involve arguments, it was his mind, his delusions, his lies and cheating, living a secret life. What a very sad way to live ones life in older years. Divorcing at late 60's with chronic illness is a challenge but I have a peaceful home, no Dr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde. 🙏🏼
It’s sad and pathetic, they will take their distorted views with them to their grave. No alternative views. No considerations. No second thoughts. No compromises.
Yep. My grandfather did this. His last few weeks of life he was frail and “softer”, but never made amends with anyone. The viewing and funeral was sad for everyone because there was absolutely not one thing positive to say. It was broken hearts with disappointing things to share. I understand why my mother is who she is, but I wish she was a cycle breaker.
They think of a compromise as losing a fight. So they become more antagonistic even if it's a subtle conflict. 😮 There's no such thing as a constructive conflict with them. it's always destructive. 😦
My sister is 4 years older than me, and I have said for years that its impossible to even have a simple conversation about anything. She would get loud, negative and you would finally just give up out of frustration. It WAS totally exhausting! I had no choice to go no contact after she turned on me when another sibling was in town visiting. I don't need friends or family that cause that amount of tension.
very similar situation here, too. Sister, 4.5 years older always disagreeable and snarky. Exhausting. No contact for 4 years, now. I send Christmas and Birthday ecards, to keep track of her, so to keep my distance. That's it. No big fight, I just never call/email her and she does the same. We are waiting to see which one of us dies first. LOL She's been dead for a long long time.
the most despicable thing about a narcissist is that they know exactly what they’re doing and know it’s wrong and they simply don’t care. narc conversations (especially when you raise a concern) are more like contests than reasonable discussions. you must be defeated by any means necessary. narcs aren't interested in mutual understanding and cooperation. they are only interested in domination, power, and control. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
@sandrathomas2893 narcissists are incapable of self reflection. they suppress their shame so they don't have to come to terms with it. after each relationship blow-up, they simply find someone else they can manipulate.
I'm not sure these broken people do realize that what they do is wrong. In their mind their behavior is correct and acceptable. You are the flawed one!
@@kcl060 Aww, thx. A byproduct of being a narcissist abuse survivor, I had to learn to say things quickly, before my (now ex) spouse would cut me off, or tell me to “just shut up.”
@@aaronkwolfeYep. I call it the 3.5 sec. Rule to get it said. So how you say it counts. Like be up on a table with a rose in your mouth, type of Flair.
Constantly moving the goal posts and deliberately misinterpreting what I say is the experience I have had with the narcissistic family member. Her justification is that she is being strong and assertive and telling the truth. It's her own version of the truth that can change from one minute to the next to suit her agenda.
I have a pair of family members like that. They will not sign a written agreement to anything ever because they will agree to one thing then the next time they talk move the terms of the agreement to favor them even more and act like they never made the first agreement. Give them enough time and the final agreement is nothing like what the original one was.
@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 they keep going on and on, wearing their victims down. It amazes me where they get the emery from to do it and how they think it's a good use of their time.
@@robshorts I see it like criminals that put more effort into doing stupid illegal things to earn a few dollars than if they just went out and worked part-time jobs.
I see you are familiar with their two biggest singles: "I NEVER SAID THAT!" and "I DON'T REMEMBER THAT!" when their doubling-down doesn't suit their purpose.
I can think of several reasons: 1) they accuse you of things and 2) try to force a reaction which will then lead to 3) shifting the focus off of them and their actions. 4) They are not interested in a solution or compromise but 5) always try keep the upper hand and 'win' the argument. 6) When you try to talk about yourself and an issue that concerns you, they turn it around and then it is about them and suddenly they need to be cared for. .... Long story short: It is never about what it really should be about and their style always shifts the focus on whatever may be the most convenient for them
Seems to be prevalent in general these days. We need to keep a sense of humility in dealing with "them". ( Not that I don't have some some ridiculous narcissists in particular to deal with, myself. ) It's pretty darn human to downplay our errors / offenses, or worse, evils, while high-lighting what "they" do. Sorry, my intention is not to refute all that the OP stated, but to add nuance and personal accountability for all of us to consider. Yes, myself included. Any hint of hypocrisy contributes to greater stagnation in our relationships.
If I simply ask, for example: "Could you please close the dogfood bag after feeding so it's not stale?" It's like a bomb went off in my home. He will inevitability state that i am "attacking him...he needs to defend himself, and I am the one who does it, not him." I can't request anything of him without the conversation going nuclear.
Sometimes my family uses things like this to create an argument. Its a way of “dumping” their yucky feelings onto us. There’s literally no basis for these silly little things. Nonsensical.
THIS is what I deal with all the live long day. 😂 I am just learning to stabilize around their abrupt laughter and whimsical voices. Even the loud slamming doors and cabinets no longer have an effect. It took years of practice.
My narc sister is 78, a widow, and just argues for the sake of arguing! I call her on it, and she just laughs. I get quiet and say nothing more. Dr, everything you point out about Narcissistic people is so true! She is 8 years older, my only sibling, and when I was born, it ruined her world and she has let me know it ever since! She lives 2700 miles away from me, and is dying to have me move near to her (she says 15 minutes away!). No thanks!! She is always right, 1000% of the time. I let her chortle away…no comment.
You are wise not to relocate. I did before I learned about narcissism, and it was a disaster . Lies,fit rage,silent treatment , name calling,smear campaign,etc. I had to go no contact, and I moved back home across America. I am at peace and will not tolerate not being disrepected by others.I am the door, not the doormat. ❤
I despise my argumentative, delusional and oppositional grandiose father. He makes my skin crawl. He prides himself with playing devil's advocate, and lectures instead of having a conversation. He's so thin skinned. Now, I look at him and tell him " I'm not taking the bait" and walk away.
"Devil's Advocate" -- my (NOW-EX!) younger home care client would drive me up a wall when he'd want to argue about everything, but especially, when he would admit he agreed with me but STILL wanted to argue the opposite side anyway. He just LOVED arguing! No wonder he was the "flying monkey" for my (NOW-EX!) older home care client-- for 40 YEARS. Apparently, all they ever did was argue.
Yes, I learned that those who "play Devil's advocate" should be avoided. You have to ask why they're playing that game at all unless it is a classroom setting and a lecturer presents an alternative view to be discussed. In a social setting, it's simply being an energy vampire.
The truest form of narcissism is not self-love, but rather the obsession with one's own importance-a craving for admiration and a willingness to exploit others to satisfy that craving. - Roxane Gay
My Dad dumped his hatred towards mother and others on me all of my life and did it 3 days in a row recently. I think I am right to put some space between us and the rest of the toxic family so I can heal.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Hi Dr. Carter, I often feel trapped as I am financially dependent on my narc mom. She always finds ways to make me do things, and if I say it makes me anxious, she threatens to cut me off. I’m an adult, with health issues. I stay away from her, but I still have to write “progress reports” now for her. If I don’t, she said she’ll take away my caregiver. She doesn’t even care about my well-being. Screamed at me constantly after brain surgeries. Like soon after. Her son is her golden child. The son who never even spoke to me since before my surgeries. She treats him so well and with respect. Any advice would be so appreciated.
In my experience with a family member who is a narcissist, he's either a liar or delusional and he projects his own bad behavior on others. There is no "winning" an argument with him. The only way my parents and I were able to deal with him is to continually crush him in court and hearings. After 6 lawsuits against my parents and me, I haven't heard from him (through attorneys) in 8 months. Narcissists are cancer that's best cut out of your life.
My sister is just 1 1/2 years older than me, but that's enough to make it where she is always right and always above me. I seem to irritate her anytime I open my mouth, no matter what I say!
I'm four years older than my narc (been together all of our lives!), yet every time somebody gets angry with me she always takes their side and tells me what I did wrong to hurt them. I've never hurt anybody in my life on purpose. She should know that, but any chance she gets to humiliate me, she doesn't hesitate to use it.....
Early on with my (NOW-EX!) clients, the older guy (the dominant one) would ask me questions, and when I'd be answering, he's INTERRUPT. One day, my momentum in telling a story was so disturbed, I said, "Don't interrupt!" He got VERY offended, and later, while going food shopping with his younger partner, the guy accused me (based on what the older guy told him) that I'd told the older guy "SHUT UP!" Again, living in defiance of reality. Trying to tell ME what I had said, when I was there, and I knew exactly what I had said, or not. That G** D***ed assignment never should have gone past the first 6 months. Prolonged exposure to SICK BASTARDS like that can prevent you from thinking clearly or acting logically. And I'm suffereing for it RIGHT NOW.
When I was traumatised in relationship with my mother, living close by and full of fear and confusion, I don't think I could have learned to be calm and assertive. I needed several years away from the torment, learning what it was all about and learning to detach emotionally and calm myself. Now I feel confident that I could face the flying monkeys calmly (my mother died). But also, I have no desire to see them and certainly not to please them any more. I begged for so long, but I don't even want to be with them now. I have a new life with kinder people. I learned that bullies can't be persuaded and I don't really care what they think of me any more.
Good reminder of their disrespect, and to maintain a place of peace from which to respond to their communication, if and when it’s in a manner and time that is most healthy for me.
How dare you disagree? It's ok you can disagree😊 but arguing with them is futile. Set boundaries and avoid him. Don't make his problem your problem cause it's not about you! (Even though he probably says it is.) "Observe Don't Absorb" is a good thing to remember. Let their insults roll off like water on a ducks back.😂 🦆 God bless!❤
On Christmas Eve I went out to dinner with two people that I don't know too well. One of them began talking politics and became very angry and animated when she realised that we didn't agree with everything she said. She dominated most of the evening and both myself and the other lady agreed with the Narc for part of the time. This was mainly to pacify her, in the hope she would calm down. We drew a line when she wanted us to totally agree with what she was saying. I was started to feel drained and in desperation said "But I don't care" and that "I have no interest in politics". I held my ground and repeated this a few times, she responded by getting up from the table paying her part of the bill and leaving the restaurant! As she walked past us she said "You won't shut me up" Phew!!!! I will avoid this person like the plague. I have a lot of experience with people with narcissistic traits and feel that I should have removed myself from the abuse much sooner, but it slowly creeps up on you and before you know it the Narc is sucking the life out of you. Thank you so much Dr. C.
Thank you so much for your content 🙏🙏 You are explaining everything in a way which gives an explanation to the very gasligting and confusing behavior of the narcissist. It is very difficult to accept the fact that a mother is exactly all this. Even if I've seen it for 40 years. Still hard to understand the meanness. My mind wants to think "she is my mother, she can not want bad for me. She can't be happy and content about my sadness. She can't be cruel towards her own daughter ". Even when the behavior is exactly that. It's sad and a struggle to understand.
Wow Sir I've learnt so much from your videos and feel so good after years of years of dealing with a narcissist coworker I can't avoid deal with... Thanks Dr. C
Thank you🙏perfectly articulated Dr.Carter👌it’s so hard for a lot of us to understand what’s happening until it hits a quite abusive pattern and it’s actually taking a toll on your sanity.Thank you for these informative videos!Im so grateful you make them..I love your opening music.I simply line dance wherever I stand or get up and do it wherever I’m sitting 😂❤😊👋🏽👌💯
They are emotionally disturbed with little peace and contentment. Never match pitch. Be brief, assertive, and behave in line with your goals and values. Stay away, and don't engage. Set stipulations for future encounters. Know what you are dealing with. Stay true to you. You deserve respect and peace. As always, thanks, Doc.❤
Thank you Dr. C, I just divorced my Covert Narcissistic husband after 39 years. Now I’m trying to deal with my adult kids, the issue is that my husband and kids also have ADHD. I always thought it was only the ADHD that I was dealing with but now everything makes sense. I feel like a survivor. Just haven’t found a therapist that deals with both. Still searching for ways to help my kids and myself. Thank you for all that you do.
Living with a brain in fight or flight flooded with cortisol causes brain fog and confusion; trauma brain. ADHD is often diagnosed when you don't know you're living in a narcissistic abuse cycle and your nervous system is wrecked and your brain is literally damaged.
OMG YES YES YES!!!! Now I understand why even simple discussions would go off the rails! He would say “my opinions is just facts” meaning I was clearly wrong. It was infuriating! Thank goodness I finally broke free of that toxic relationship.
My wife usually starts with personal insults, followed by recriminations, and then shaming. Any reply that I have is interrupted, followed by badgering. Next up is mocking, and attacks on my basic character or interests. Her tone is always aggressive, harsh or imperative commands. Actually, now, I avoid conversations with her as much as possible. Basically she is a very mean person but strangely sees herself as a wonderful Christian woman. I wonder what Christ would say to her in the midst of her verbal assault.
I would assume, “Peace be still.” And, wives are to honor their husbands. I have the same, but with my husband. Very draining, exhausting, and grievous sin in His eyes since we’re to be one.
This helped my realize that trying to talk to a narcissist I would always try to converse in such a way that they would not find that one tiny thing to jump all over and cue the flying monkeys to laugh. (Like saying something was mauve, and getting "That's PINK. Har! har! Har! You are just so cute, honey.") You practically can't talk. ("That's MIST honey, it's not FOG! Har har! Now, what were you trying to say? ) And forget sharing that funny story when you made a mistake and learned better. You walk in to share and connect, but they got that red grading pen ready! The smackdown was ready.
Dr. C. I truly appreciate your videos and have been watching for years. A counselor told me this line in regards to mine: "He is a fight waiting to happen".
I appreciate how you discuss narcissistic behavior more broadly where as most therapists discuss narcissism more situationally in the context of intiment relationships.
I used to try and argue but have learned to walk away saying nothing. My narcissist will even try to pick up same argument later and I will still walk away.
I love the wisdom in Scripture (Deuteronomy 2:3): You've been going in circles in these mountains long enough; go north. This is what it's like trying to have any conflict or discussion with a narc. You cannot win because they will not back down or ever see your point of view. Go north!
There's is absolutely no end to their constant illogicalness! It can go on and on and then some more! It's really deep, Dr. C! Reveals so much more about them than about us! Funny not funny.😊
The confusing part is that sometimes she is generous and even kind. I believe this person is a histrionic with a high degree of narcism. I love this person, but know she will never change (she's 79). It's so sad she's stuck.
And the following during an argument!!! I would literally be begging him to stop, and he could not or would not. If I would lock the door, he would unlock it and come in and keep arguing. It was insane.
you know, listening to your videos have helped me sooo much to understanding the relationship i just let go. I was dating a undercover Narc. No rational discussions EVER EVER EVER. Yelling for an hour straight at the top of his lungs, blaming me and turning the issue on me and never focusing on the issue but keeping the argument going on something entirely different that i would be so mixed up, head swimming, heart throbbing, stomach churning, ears arching that i would just say forget. your a godsend. After the 3rd time after I shared how it made me feel and we are not getting anywhere. I ended it. The rejection I felt pain all over because we could never resolve issues. and he was up set I sent him on his way to terrorize someone else. lol Chicago Love
"I don't like it when you say that, mom." "Say what?" "What you just said 10 seconds ago." "I said something to you?" "Of course, mom, when you lie like you did to me, now 20 seconds ago, I hate it." "You rate it?" "No, I hate it." "Skate bit?" "Mom, your hearing aids are working fine. We were just now talking and then you lied again." "Ride a bin?" "Mom, this drives me crazy when you do this, we were having a conversation and you said something untrue again and you were understanding every word I said, as soon as I confronted you, you pretended you couldn't understand." "What did I do?" "You said something untrue." "I did?" "Mom, you know you did. You know that I know and you don't care." "I didn't say anything to you." "We were just talking, mom." "We were?" "You know we were!" "I just have dementia, honey, I don't know what I'm saying anymore." It can really depress you.
So right All the time! 25 yrs ago I asked him if something was wrong. This was before I understood this crazyness. I learned that day standing in my front yard for all neighbors to hear I did it all wrong when we rescue him from the street gutter. He had nothing left. We fed him, gave him a warm place to sleep. Plus more? but that was not good enough and the right way! Pure Shock! 25 years later.. that’s now, nothing has gotten better. It Won’t! Done!
Why do some narcissists only sulk when triggered face to face, but will only argue, be mean, rude, nasty, gaslight and blame others via text messages or email?
Dr. Carter is sooo enlightening. He’s absolutely right on. In a situation I am familiar with if the “deck is stacked against me in a discussion” that means I can’t even ask a question without an exasperated, dismissive response from the Narcissist. Extremely frustrating.
I am working with this type of narc right now. I had a 4 month break from it while I was student teaching. Once I get certified to teach, I will have other options and would not necessarily need to stay in the job. The demands are ridiculous, but my boss always wiggles her way out and rewrites the story to make herself look better. Being verbally assertive doesn't work, so my co-worker and I just do what we need to and can do. I've already walked away from toxic family and will have better job options in the near future. Thank you for this video.
Thank you so much for this insight Dr. C. I was able to walk away from a potential friendship once I caught onto the narcissists patterns. I continue to ignore red flags in hopes that I am just overanalyzing things. Can't take no for an answer, entitled to my time, stepping right through my boundaries, and bombarding me with their opinions with little to no regard for my own. I've felt the tension or, gut feeling, when with this individual. This has been empowering, especially during these turbulent times. Again, a big thank you from me here in Northern TX.
Arguing also gives them a chance to put one down even more than they have already done. They will control the whole conversation and then end it when they want to end it. Thank you Dr. Carter for some very valid points we all need to ponder. I hope everyone has a very Happy New Year full of lots of Peace.
Dr. Carter, for a lifetime of reasons you’ve described in this video, the 70-year-old narcissist relative is living in a house representing a broken friendship, nobody in our family wants anything to do with her, her brother and his wife changed their locks to keep her out of there house, her sister in law wants nothing to do with her, and even scans the grocery store parking lot to make sure the narcissists car isn’t there so she won’t run into the narcissist inside the store. Of course, none of this could possibly be the narcissist’s fault. This is what her life has amounted to.
Working hard at healing my OCD & people pleasing behaviors, has really helped with the narcs in my life. Living with them is like having exposure therapy every day, & I think they resented my strength but now know it’s not going anywhere when they treat me poorly, but I will. I thought walking away was weak, nope.
Sometimes that's all you can do! Confronting him to his face is only going to hurt you, because he'll never understand what you're upset about to begin with...
Dr Carter, you just nailed it! You are describing my experience as if you were there. You are helping me make sense of what I've been through and that is the first step in my healing from this monster that I married. Only three weeks after our wedding I found out he was still involved wih his ex girlfriend the entire time we dated and became engaged. Just how you described , he turned it on me and it was my fault he was cheating! Crazy. I was so love bombed and it was so amazing until he was discovered and it was then I realized I had been duped and through your help I see he's a cruel narcissist and I ran for the hills. Thanks for your help.
They'll never ask why (except a statement not a question as in why did you do that! ), otherwise there is no why, why do you feel ass you do, why do you conclude that, why do you consider things that way, why are things the way they are. There is no why. So when arguing they're just trying to win, they don't want to know why you or they believe what you or they do. If they've made a decision based on what others or the news tells them they have absolutely no interest in why you think differently. They won't believe you as in their heads you're lesser than. Argue and they'll work harder in their punishing style to make you wrong! It's not an argument, it's an exercise in futility frustrationm anger and hurt, and yes I had one of these withing an hour of meeting fam on Xmas eve 😧✌
You have described the narc I am currently dealing with to a T!! This is precisely how they think and act! Spot on!! I have always been somewhat aware about them being this way but your explanation of it helped me to see it even more clearly, which has been very helpful. I appreciate it.
Fascinating how this describes a great number of politicians and bureaucrats! In particular, the x-con Dolton Mayor Tiffany Henyard! She is currently running as the number one political interest on social media. Her highly confrontational Trustee board meeting rants fit this video to a tee! When queried by the board, she literally screams, "You can't control me!" Dolton Mayor Tiffany Henyard is a fascinating study on narcissism. Once again, another terrific video!
Yes, they can certainly put a spin on things that will have others believing that they're the victims. My narc was good at using the "silent treatment" to make people apologize for the things she did to them. Decided not to fall into her trap this year. I'm not about to help her display her phoniness for all the world to see.
Dr C, it's as if you were looking over my shoulder on Christmas Day! So many examples you cite happened, but thanks to your wonderful advice, I was able to deal with most things successfully. Whatever the topic or issue, the narcissist was up for a bullying, angry argument. I was calmly assertive when necessary but did not take the bait. Thank you so much!
Because people like that know how to pitch the ball, but they can’t catch it… when you first figure out that they know how to give it, but can’t take it,… you should start the process (immediately) of getting the hell away from them permanently.
His favorite arguments "You/I dont know what you're talking about." Or "You need to learn to shut up." There is no decency or maturity whatsoever. Two narcs have told me that if God wants to correct them, he has to do it himself. 😮
My favorite from my x, " you've been messed up since you were a kid" He didn't know me when I was a kid lol. I met him when he was 25. Then I'd ask, what exactly did I say or do that was messed up?? Refresh my memory?? 😁 He'd then fall into the typical, " everyone knows you were!! Everyone says you were"!! Lol Then I'd say, I like this game....ok ..like who exactly?? Name 1 person out of "everybody"... I don't have to name anyone!! Don't tell me what to do!! I walk away...."I knew you couldn't "😁 He soooooooooo hated me for seeing through him! Yeah ...my own husband. Insane!!!
This has really got to me this session. My narcissist makes me so mad and you have described precisely how he is. Whatever I say or do, it’s my fault. He is always better and the one on top! I see red with how he behaves. He is such a bully . The other day after 4 years of not talking he offered me a beer. I mean. When I completely ignore him he’s makes me out to,be the problem. He always bully’s me when no one is about and then ensures he shows I am ignoring him when others are about. His whole aim is to put me down. I don’t match pitch and just walk on. But when I get in my house I see red. I just want him to leave me alone. Sadly. Judy from ok
I appreciate all of your clips. Very helpful. Now I understand thst crazy man I was married to and put up with for 10 and 1/2 years. I divorced him eventually. Now he continues to be my nieghbor, nomatter where I move to.
One thing just crossed my mind want share We can not force a system beyond its capabilities We cannot expect from narcissists the very things that they are not capable of providing to themselves . It’s futile thinking to force, narcissists can even malfunction further deeper into narcissistic characteristics.
My mother seems to be the classic overt toxic narcissist. I swear, my entire life, I'd hear her argue or debate, and she could be without any doubt, clearly in the wrong, all evidence supported her being wrong. Yet, without fail, by nothing less than magic, she would win. My dad was a pedo and she was a teenage mom, so there was a trauma bond I only recently discovered. It's painful but more so empowering to sit back and see the past with clearer vision. We are the total sum of our experiences and perceptions of those experiences. To have real compassion for the narcissist is a good sign of healing, I think. The damage they do.
Unfortunately, I haven't gotten to the point where I can truly have compassion for my narcissist. I love my sister (and always will), but I struggle to forgive all the things that she has done! But I know that I'll get there; for this I am constantly in prayer. Overt narcissists are possibly the worst people there are on this planet. They're never wrong, they know more than anybody else, and they think that the world owes them obedience simply because they're here......❤.
Dr. C., you're on a roll. Your last 3 videos address such core issues. Deeply insightful. Over the years ive listened and learned so much from you but these three learnings really stand out in explaining narc inner dynamics!! God bless. Keep well. Thank you for your scholarship.😊
My dear Dr C you are always talking to us. Thank you. The first time i heard the word Narcissist was in the 60s reading Oscar Wilde's The picture of Dorian Gray. I thought that's it, i know the meaning of the word....six decades later i am reading it again over Christmas and will go to the play in London in February with new understanding what's all about. We can only wish for peace in us and around us in the New Year. In England you would deserve a OBE from the King. ❤
Which narcissist? Is there any narcissist at all there? Which battle to pick arguing in? Sometimes there is no easy answers when an debate might end up taking way too long for coming to a close. When that is a healthy professor offering a formal lecture that is easy to know how to behave there. At other times sometimes I am left wondering what clue to advance my thoughts to a higher plane on the same plane as they are after being granted the opportunity to be included as the only person in the audience during their interview process at the time. There is a big difference between dialoging with your other team mates; spending time with your family members and not wanting to waste your time with someone who is often overriding your all of your day to day decisions from how many creams for your coffee you want there and how many creams for your coffee to take home with you and how much closer the 2 of you are going to sit at the table together duiring COVID-19 World Health Organization recommendations we want to follw ourselves too despite that controller - blah blah blah. At that point you move on. Not anything to worry about.
"You can't afford to match pitch." - great image (singer here, trained 5-10hrs a week for 4 years). I really appreciate this image and context. Your work is sometimes sobering and emotionally difficult, yet so empowering and validating. Thank you for your work. 🌈
Everything is an excuse to escalate. Arguing back with them with a raised voice is "childish" or "attitude" even though EVERYBODY does it. Using my being scatterbrained as an excuse to say I'm purposely ignoring things/confuse me. Questioning my Agoraphobia diagnosis because I choose to be in a nonthreatening group rather than near an antagonistic bully. Saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with me, even though I have a bunch of physical & mental issues.
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They don't want a solution they want a fight. It's to dump their toxic shame onto others.
So true
You get it, Cassie.
Scary but true.
Exactly, I sometimes should walk away but my Narc is so annoying I can’t help telling her to get lost
The X Toxic husband seemed to slip into dissociation and at times violence.
He could then be the most calm articulate person soon after when interacting with authorities. It became too stressful and scary never knowing when he would explode, it did not involve arguments, it was his mind, his delusions, his lies and cheating, living a secret life. What a very sad way to live ones life in older years. Divorcing at late 60's with chronic illness is a challenge but I have a peaceful home, no Dr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde. 🙏🏼
The lying. It’s hard to argue with a compulsive liar that lives in a world of complete delusion.
Correct...they concoct a world to suit their own objectives.
True !
My Covert lies/fibs/covers due to his traits of narcissistic plus alcoholic moods -- 😶🌫️Mind bending
My dad and his second wife are like that. The stuff they make up to justify their bad behavior is insane.
The narcissist is the lie
It’s sad and pathetic, they will take their distorted views with them to their grave. No alternative views. No considerations. No second thoughts. No compromises.
...No empathy, no apolgies (maybe rarely with a condition), no remorse.
I thought that my daughter wouldn't change unless she had a personality transplant.
@@susanmercurio1060 brilliant joke...yet ..it is so sad....having people like that around
Yes. It's hard to believe when it's the only parent you have
Yep. My grandfather did this. His last few weeks of life he was frail and “softer”, but never made amends with anyone. The viewing and funeral was sad for everyone because there was absolutely not one thing positive to say. It was broken hearts with disappointing things to share. I understand why my mother is who she is, but I wish she was a cycle breaker.
They think of a compromise as losing a fight. So they become more antagonistic even if it's a subtle conflict. 😮 There's no such thing as a constructive conflict with them. it's always destructive. 😦
Always!
Their sick idea of compromise is you submitting to their demands. they will never compromise.
Yes you are absolutely right a compromise to them is basically a loss to them.
There are passing moments where it feels like if I just have a heart to heart discussion with them, they will see the light. Silly tbunnyshy1. 😂❤️🩹
You are not in a relationship with these " folks" you are in a competition!
And if they must win guess who loses??
I didn't walk away to teach them a lesson- I walked away cause I finally learned mine.
YES!!!
To argue with narcissist it’s a fruitless endeavour 😮.
It's fruitless for the non-narc; but fruitful for the narc, who loves pontificating and drama.
hmmmm 🤔 I wonder what narcissist fruit taste like?
They don’t even want to reach peace
They argue in circles because they don’t have anything to back up their argument. So round-and-round we go.
Yes!!!! Exactly!!!
“Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
― Mark Twain
Ol' Mark...he hit the nail on that one.
@optical-illusion9996 , Thanks for great quote !
Thank you for the quote 🙂
My sister is 4 years older than me, and I have said for years that its impossible to even have a simple conversation about anything. She would get loud, negative and you would finally just give up out of frustration. It WAS totally exhausting! I had no choice to go no contact after she turned on me when another sibling was in town visiting. I don't need friends or family that cause that amount of tension.
Yes. You can't interact with certain people in order to protect your life, joy, purpose, peace, and sanity.
I have a sister like that also. I'm in bed recovering for 2 days after she visits.
They literally extract your life force.
Being polar opposite from my younger sister has been challenging for more than 60 yrs.
very similar situation here, too. Sister, 4.5 years older always disagreeable and snarky. Exhausting. No contact for 4 years, now. I send Christmas and Birthday ecards, to keep track of her, so to keep my distance. That's it. No big fight, I just never call/email her and she does the same. We are waiting to see which one of us dies first. LOL She's been dead for a long long time.
My head is strained and exhausted right now.
the most despicable thing about a narcissist is that they know exactly what they’re doing and know it’s wrong and they simply don’t care.
narc conversations (especially when you raise a concern) are more like contests than reasonable discussions. you must be defeated by any means necessary. narcs aren't interested in mutual understanding and cooperation. they are only interested in domination, power, and control.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
They're deeply unconscious! It would take a self to reflect and see ones self.
@sandrathomas2893 narcissists are incapable of self reflection.
they suppress their shame so they don't have to come to terms with it.
after each relationship blow-up, they simply find someone else they can manipulate.
@@sandrathomas2893 Very meaningful insight ! Thanks !
Absolutely. Would you mind reading my recent post and offering your thoughts? Thanks, Jeanne
I'm not sure these broken people do realize that what they do is wrong. In their mind their behavior is correct and acceptable. You are the flawed one!
Well, my brain works. An argument with one that doesn’t, sounds impossible.
That makes a ton of sense!
Omg, seriously, you have summed it all up in the tidiest of manners! I envy your conciseness.
@@kcl060 Aww, thx. A byproduct of being a narcissist abuse survivor, I had to learn to say things quickly, before my (now ex) spouse would cut me off, or tell me to “just shut up.”
@@aaronkwolfeYep. I call it the 3.5 sec. Rule to get it said. So how you say it counts. Like be up on a table with a rose in your mouth, type of Flair.
Agree. And my nervous system often impacts my thinking. Arguing triggers me. A childhood of what you mention, Aaron, hasn't helped. G'day Aaron.
Constantly moving the goal posts and deliberately misinterpreting what I say is the experience I have had with the narcissistic family member. Her justification is that she is being strong and assertive and telling the truth. It's her own version of the truth that can change from one minute to the next to suit her agenda.
I have a pair of family members like that. They will not sign a written agreement to anything ever because they will agree to one thing then the next time they talk move the terms of the agreement to favor them even more and act like they never made the first agreement.
Give them enough time and the final agreement is nothing like what the original one was.
Alice went down that rabbit hole a long time ago & isn’t coming out!
@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 they keep going on and on, wearing their victims down. It amazes me where they get the emery from to do it and how they think it's a good use of their time.
@@robshorts I see it like criminals that put more effort into doing stupid illegal things to earn a few dollars than if they just went out and worked part-time jobs.
I see you are familiar with their two biggest singles: "I NEVER SAID THAT!" and "I DON'T REMEMBER THAT!" when their doubling-down doesn't suit their purpose.
I can think of several reasons:
1) they accuse you of things and
2) try to force a reaction which will then lead to
3) shifting the focus off of them and their actions.
4) They are not interested in a solution or compromise but
5) always try keep the upper hand and 'win' the argument.
6) When you try to talk about yourself and an issue that concerns you, they turn it around and then it is about them and suddenly they need to be cared for.
....
Long story short: It is never about what it really should be about and their style always shifts the focus on whatever may be the most convenient for them
🎯
EXCELLENT! THANK YOU ♥️🙏♥️
Seems to be prevalent in general these days.
We need to keep a sense of humility in dealing with "them".
( Not that I don't have some some ridiculous narcissists in particular to deal with, myself. ) It's pretty darn human to downplay our errors / offenses, or worse, evils, while high-lighting what "they" do. Sorry, my intention is not to refute all that the OP stated, but to add nuance and personal accountability for all of us to consider. Yes, myself included. Any hint of hypocrisy contributes to greater stagnation in our relationships.
Yes. They are very paranoid. They always act as if you are verbally assaulting them all of the time.
If I simply ask, for example: "Could you please close the dogfood bag after feeding so it's not stale?" It's like a bomb went off in my home. He will inevitability state that i am "attacking him...he needs to defend himself, and I am the one who does it, not him." I can't request anything of him without the conversation going nuclear.
Sometimes my family uses things like this to create an argument. Its a way of “dumping” their yucky feelings onto us. There’s literally no basis for these silly little things. Nonsensical.
@loveahusky, I always have used the similar analogy of it’s a nuclear wasteland after a “discussion “ with my narc “husband.” 😩
Every word uttered by Dr Carter is worth its weight in gold! Thank you Dr Carter. 💫🕊💜🙏🏻
Literally 🎯❤️
@@tbunnyshy1 , Are you okay ?
@@Greenawareness188 Getting by and staying mindful. Thank you for asking. 🫂 I hope you are doing very well. ❤️
Indeed
Thank you Dr Carter for everything you do!
"They can become animated in their tone of voice" "Animated"..that's precious, Dr. C. Lol..PERFECT
Yeah ...like Chucky 🤣
THIS is what I deal with all the live long day. 😂 I am just learning to stabilize around their abrupt laughter and whimsical voices. Even the loud slamming doors and cabinets no longer have an effect. It took years of practice.
@@sandrathomas2893True that! 😂
Animation plus dyregulation at times leads to Assault which they then deny when facing any consequences. Excellent Liars.
My narc sister is 78, a widow, and just argues for the sake of arguing! I call her on it, and she just laughs. I get quiet and say nothing more. Dr, everything you point out about Narcissistic people is so true! She is 8 years older, my only sibling, and when I was born, it ruined her world and she has let me know it ever since! She lives 2700 miles away from me, and is dying to have me move near to her (she says 15 minutes away!). No thanks!! She is always right, 1000% of the time. I let her chortle away…no comment.
Government will be 15 minutes away think about that everyone !
You are wise not to relocate. I did before I learned about narcissism, and it was a disaster . Lies,fit rage,silent treatment , name calling,smear campaign,etc.
I had to go no contact, and I moved back home across America.
I am at peace and will not tolerate not being disrepected by others.I am the door, not the doormat. ❤
I despise my argumentative, delusional and oppositional grandiose father. He makes my skin crawl. He prides himself with playing devil's advocate, and lectures instead of having a conversation. He's so thin skinned. Now, I look at him and tell him " I'm not taking the bait" and walk away.
"Devil's Advocate" -- my (NOW-EX!) younger home care client would drive me up a wall when he'd want to argue about everything, but especially, when he would admit he agreed with me but STILL wanted to argue the opposite side anyway. He just LOVED arguing! No wonder he was the "flying monkey" for my (NOW-EX!) older home care client-- for 40 YEARS. Apparently, all they ever did was argue.
Yes, I learned that those who "play Devil's advocate" should be avoided. You have to ask why they're playing that game at all unless it is a classroom setting and a lecturer presents an alternative view to be discussed. In a social setting, it's simply being an energy vampire.
The truest form of narcissism is not self-love, but rather the obsession with one's own importance-a craving for admiration and a willingness to exploit others to satisfy that craving. - Roxane Gay
My Dad dumped his hatred towards mother and others on me all of my life and did it 3 days in a row recently. I think I am right to put some space between us and the rest of the toxic family so I can heal.
Simply put, you don't need to be a receptacle for hateful abuse.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Hi Dr. Carter, I often feel trapped as I am financially dependent on my narc mom. She always finds ways to make me do things, and if I say it makes me anxious, she threatens to cut me off. I’m an adult, with health issues. I stay away from her, but I still have to write “progress reports” now for her. If I don’t, she said she’ll take away my caregiver. She doesn’t even care about my well-being. Screamed at me constantly after brain surgeries. Like soon after. Her son is her golden child. The son who never even spoke to me since before my surgeries. She treats him so well and with respect. Any advice would be so appreciated.
In my experience with a family member who is a narcissist, he's either a liar or delusional and he projects his own bad behavior on others. There is no "winning" an argument with him. The only way my parents and I were able to deal with him is to continually crush him in court and hearings. After 6 lawsuits against my parents and me, I haven't heard from him (through attorneys) in 8 months. Narcissists are cancer that's best cut out of your life.
If we are arguing chances are it’s a narcissist, if we are discussing its a member of team healthy.
@@myhalowithin yes you are so right! I wish the same to you my friend!
@myhalowithin , Thank you for your wise ways . I apreciate your gentleness . Have a Happy New Year !
Well said.
Exactly Fred. ❤ @myhalowithin ❤
@@myhalowithin Merry Christmas! Great to see you 🤗❤️
My sister is just 1 1/2 years older than me, but that's enough to make it where she is always right and always above me. I seem to irritate her anytime I open my mouth, no matter what I say!
Which is why it's a good idea to be separate!
@@SurvivingNarcissism yes indeed, I am no contact with her and loving it :)
I'm four years older than my narc (been together all of our lives!), yet every time somebody gets angry with me she always takes their side and tells me what I did wrong to hurt them. I've never hurt anybody in my life on purpose. She should know that, but any chance she gets to humiliate me, she doesn't hesitate to use it.....
Their constant interruptions and dominance of every conversation to make their opinion, the only opinion heard.
Early on with my (NOW-EX!) clients, the older guy (the dominant one) would ask me questions, and when I'd be answering, he's INTERRUPT. One day, my momentum in telling a story was so disturbed, I said, "Don't interrupt!" He got VERY offended, and later, while going food shopping with his younger partner, the guy accused me (based on what the older guy told him) that I'd told the older guy "SHUT UP!" Again, living in defiance of reality. Trying to tell ME what I had said, when I was there, and I knew exactly what I had said, or not.
That G** D***ed assignment never should have gone past the first 6 months. Prolonged exposure to SICK BASTARDS like that can prevent you from thinking clearly or acting logically. And I'm suffereing for it RIGHT NOW.
So true, they are quite grandiose.
When I was traumatised in relationship with my mother, living close by and full of fear and confusion, I don't think I could have learned to be calm and assertive. I needed several years away from the torment, learning what it was all about and learning to detach emotionally and calm myself. Now I feel confident that I could face the flying monkeys calmly (my mother died). But also, I have no desire to see them and certainly not to please them any more. I begged for so long, but I don't even want to be with them now. I have a new life with kinder people. I learned that bullies can't be persuaded and I don't really care what they think of me any more.
Good reminder of their disrespect, and to maintain a place of peace from which to respond to their communication, if and when it’s in a manner and time that is most healthy for me.
You can't reason with unreasonable behaviour!!!
A quart short or missing a few bricks in the upper story not too mention the foundation…
@@caroleminke6116Absolutely. Or, a sandwich short of a picnic 😂
The biggest insult to a narc is when you cut off access completely. It kills their program.
Indeed!! 💯
You cannot afford to be alone with them - triggered to take everyone down.
Sometimes, all you can do is walk away. For good. For yourself.
My narcissistic dad gets easily offended by disagreements
How dare you disagree? It's ok you can disagree😊 but arguing with them is futile. Set boundaries and avoid him. Don't make his problem your problem cause it's not about you! (Even though he probably says it is.)
"Observe Don't Absorb" is a good thing to remember. Let their insults roll off like water on a ducks back.😂 🦆 God bless!❤
You mean if you don't agree with him.....
They're perfectly happy if you adore them and agree with them!
And you're safe if you do.
My way or the highway 😊 I took the highway years ago & never regret the no contact
Same with mine. He'd rather destroy his and everyone else's lives around him than admit he is wrong about something so obvious it is just dumb.
@@acolley2891 💖💖💖🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗🤗Thank you!!!
On Christmas Eve I went out to dinner with two people that I don't know too well. One of them began talking politics and became very angry and animated when she realised that we didn't agree with everything she said. She dominated most of the evening and both myself and the other lady agreed with the Narc for part of the time. This was mainly to pacify her, in the hope she would calm down. We drew a line when she wanted us to totally agree with what she was saying. I was started to feel drained and in desperation said "But I don't care" and that "I have no interest in politics". I held my ground and repeated this a few times, she responded by getting up from the table paying her part of the bill and leaving the restaurant! As she walked past us she said "You won't shut me up" Phew!!!! I will avoid this person like the plague. I have a lot of experience with people with narcissistic traits and feel that I should have removed myself from the abuse much sooner, but it slowly creeps up on you and before you know it the Narc is sucking the life out of you. Thank you so much Dr. C.
Thank you so much for your content 🙏🙏 You are explaining everything in a way which gives an explanation to the very gasligting and confusing behavior of the narcissist. It is very difficult to accept the fact that a mother is exactly all this. Even if I've seen it for 40 years. Still hard to understand the meanness. My mind wants to think "she is my mother, she can not want bad for me. She can't be happy and content about my sadness. She can't be cruel towards her own daughter ". Even when the behavior is exactly that. It's sad and a struggle to understand.
You are not alone. 🫂
@@t_nels 🙏🙏🙏
@@t_nels We are legion, for all the wrong reasons. 😋
@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 I would think the opposite, that they are legion. I don't know the statistics. I am grateful to have Team Healthy.
Exactly what I have lived through and have come to accept as the truth about my mother, sister and brother.
Thank you Dr .Carter . I really need education and coping skills for their insidious ways .
Keep leaning forward...I'm glad to be on the path with you.
they do not accept conditions (things like facts and evidence) where they could be wrong...
Exactly 🎯
Merry Christmas !! 🎁
Merry Christmas!
Wow Sir I've learnt so much from your videos and feel so good after years of years of dealing with a narcissist coworker I can't avoid deal with... Thanks Dr. C
Thank you🙏perfectly articulated Dr.Carter👌it’s so hard for a lot of us to understand what’s happening until it hits a quite abusive pattern and it’s actually taking a toll on your sanity.Thank you for these informative videos!Im so grateful you make them..I love your opening music.I simply line dance wherever I stand or get up and do it wherever I’m sitting 😂❤😊👋🏽👌💯
They are emotionally disturbed with little peace and contentment. Never match pitch. Be brief, assertive, and behave in line with your goals and values. Stay away, and don't engage. Set stipulations for future encounters. Know what you are dealing with. Stay true to you. You deserve respect and peace. As always, thanks, Doc.❤
Thank you Dr. C, I just divorced my Covert Narcissistic husband after 39 years. Now I’m trying to deal with my adult kids, the issue is that my husband and kids also have ADHD. I always thought it was only the ADHD that I was dealing with but now everything makes sense. I feel like a survivor. Just haven’t found a therapist that deals with both. Still searching for ways to help my kids and myself. Thank you for all that you do.
Living with a brain in fight or flight flooded with cortisol causes brain fog and confusion; trauma brain.
ADHD is often diagnosed when you don't know you're living in a narcissistic abuse cycle and your nervous system is wrecked and your brain is literally damaged.
About to “celebrate” 40 years with mine. You give me hope that there’s a way out. Don’t know what it is yet.
OMG YES YES YES!!!! Now I understand why even simple discussions would go off the rails! He would say “my opinions is just facts” meaning I was clearly wrong. It was infuriating! Thank goodness I finally broke free of that toxic relationship.
My wife usually starts with personal insults, followed by recriminations, and then shaming. Any reply that I have is interrupted, followed by badgering. Next up is mocking, and attacks on my basic character or interests. Her tone is always aggressive, harsh or imperative commands. Actually, now, I avoid conversations with her as much as possible. Basically she is a very mean person but strangely sees herself as a wonderful Christian woman. I wonder what Christ would say to her in the midst of her verbal assault.
I would assume, “Peace be still.” And, wives are to honor their husbands.
I have the same, but with my husband. Very draining, exhausting, and grievous sin in His eyes since we’re to be one.
Happy Holidays Dr. Carter and team Healthy 🎁🎄🏆
@douaa Have a Happy New Year ! I am glad you are here !
Happy Holidays Douaa! Good to see you ❤🎉
Same to you dear 🫂❤️
This helped my realize that trying to talk to a narcissist I would always try to converse in such a way that they would not find that one tiny thing to jump all over and cue the flying monkeys to laugh. (Like saying something was mauve, and getting "That's PINK. Har! har! Har! You are just so cute, honey.") You practically can't talk. ("That's MIST honey, it's not FOG! Har har! Now, what were you trying to say? ) And forget sharing that funny story when you made a mistake and learned better. You walk in to share and connect, but they got that red grading pen ready! The smackdown was ready.
They want you to argue..nope
Dr. C. I truly appreciate your videos and have been watching for years. A counselor told me this line in regards to mine: "He is a fight waiting to happen".
Good, succinct summary.
I appreciate how you discuss narcissistic behavior more broadly where as most therapists discuss narcissism more situationally in the context of intiment relationships.
A narcissist is someone who will wake up everyone in the house to tell them he's going to bed .
That made me chuckle.
I used to try and argue but have learned to walk away saying nothing. My narcissist will even try to pick up same argument later and I will still walk away.
I love the wisdom in Scripture (Deuteronomy 2:3): You've been going in circles in these mountains long enough; go north. This is what it's like trying to have any conflict or discussion with a narc. You cannot win because they will not back down or ever see your point of view. Go north!
Lol "You can't talk to a drunk about their drinking while they're drunk" and you can't talk to a narcissist about...anything...ever!
Arguing with a narcissist, the rule is simple: They win. You lose. Don't play that game!
There's is absolutely no end to their constant illogicalness! It can go on and on and then some more! It's really deep, Dr. C! Reveals so much more about them than about us! Funny not funny.😊
The confusing part is that sometimes she is generous and even kind. I believe this person is a histrionic with a high degree of narcism. I love this person, but know she will never change (she's 79). It's so sad she's stuck.
Thank you Dr.Carter..i agree and have witnessed every word you say here..Thank you so much
And the following during an argument!!! I would literally be begging him to stop, and he could not or would not. If I would lock the door, he would unlock it and come in and keep arguing. It was insane.
you know, listening to your videos have helped me sooo much to understanding the relationship i just let go. I was dating a undercover Narc. No rational discussions EVER EVER EVER. Yelling for an hour straight at the top of his lungs, blaming me and turning the issue on me and never focusing on the issue but keeping the argument going on something entirely different that i would be so mixed up, head swimming, heart throbbing, stomach churning, ears arching that i would just say forget.
your a godsend. After the 3rd time after I shared how it made me feel and we are not getting anywhere. I ended it. The rejection I felt pain all over because we could never resolve issues. and he was up set I sent him on his way to terrorize someone else. lol
Chicago Love
"I don't like it when you say that, mom." "Say what?" "What you just said 10 seconds ago." "I said something to you?" "Of course, mom, when you lie like you did to me, now 20 seconds ago, I hate it." "You rate it?" "No, I hate it." "Skate bit?" "Mom, your hearing aids are working fine. We were just now talking and then you lied again." "Ride a bin?" "Mom, this drives me crazy when you do this, we were having a conversation and you said something untrue again and you were understanding every word I said, as soon as I confronted you, you pretended you couldn't understand." "What did I do?" "You said something untrue." "I did?" "Mom, you know you did. You know that I know and you don't care." "I didn't say anything to you." "We were just talking, mom." "We were?" "You know we were!" "I just have dementia, honey, I don't know what I'm saying anymore." It can really depress you.
So right All the time!
25 yrs ago I asked him if something was wrong. This was before I understood this crazyness.
I learned that day standing in my front yard for all neighbors to hear I did it all wrong when we rescue him from the street gutter. He had nothing left.
We fed him, gave him a warm place to sleep. Plus more? but that was not good enough and the right way!
Pure Shock!
25 years later.. that’s now, nothing has gotten better.
It Won’t!
Done!
Why do some narcissists only sulk when triggered face to face, but will only argue, be mean, rude, nasty, gaslight and blame others via text messages or email?
Dr. Carter is sooo enlightening. He’s absolutely right on. In a situation I am familiar with if the “deck is stacked against me in a discussion” that means I can’t even ask a question without an exasperated, dismissive response from the Narcissist. Extremely frustrating.
I am working with this type of narc right now. I had a 4 month break from it while I was student teaching. Once I get certified to teach, I will have other options and would not necessarily need to stay in the job. The demands are ridiculous, but my boss always wiggles her way out and rewrites the story to make herself look better. Being verbally assertive doesn't work, so my co-worker and I just do what we need to and can do. I've already walked away from toxic family and will have better job options in the near future. Thank you for this video.
The get instantly defensive and play mind games to throw you off track.
Once again, fantastic information Dr. What a blessing to have him and his knowledge!
Thank you so much for this insight Dr. C. I was able to walk away from a potential friendship once I caught onto the narcissists patterns. I continue to ignore red flags in hopes that I am just overanalyzing things. Can't take no for an answer, entitled to my time, stepping right through my boundaries, and bombarding me with their opinions with little to no regard for my own. I've felt the tension or, gut feeling, when with this individual. This has been empowering, especially during these turbulent times. Again, a big thank you from me here in Northern TX.
Thank You wow everything you said is true
Arguing also gives them a chance to put one down even more than they have already done. They will control the whole conversation and then end it when they want to end it. Thank you Dr. Carter for some very valid points we all need to ponder. I hope everyone has a very Happy New Year full of lots of Peace.
Dr. Carter, for a lifetime of reasons you’ve described in this video, the 70-year-old narcissist relative is living in a house representing a broken friendship, nobody in our family wants anything to do with her, her brother and his wife changed their locks to keep her out of there house, her sister in law wants nothing to do with her, and even scans the grocery store parking lot to make sure the narcissists car isn’t there so she won’t run into the narcissist inside the store. Of course, none of this could possibly be the narcissist’s fault. This is what her life has amounted to.
Working hard at healing my OCD & people pleasing behaviors, has really helped with the narcs in my life. Living with them is like having exposure therapy every day, & I think they resented my strength but now know it’s not going anywhere when they treat me poorly, but I will. I thought walking away was weak, nope.
Never argue with a fool, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Got it. Thanks Doc.
All of this perfectly describes my boss. I have worked for him for 25 years and have learned to laugh behind his back (never to his face) about it.
Sometimes that's all you can do! Confronting him to his face is only going to hurt you, because he'll never understand what you're upset about to begin with...
Thank you for brilliant advice dr Carter❤ God bless you❤
Dr Carter, you just nailed it! You are describing my experience as if you were there. You are helping me make sense of what I've been through and that is the first step in my healing from this monster that I married. Only three weeks after our wedding I found out he was still involved wih his ex girlfriend the entire time we dated and became engaged.
Just how you described , he turned it on me and it was my fault he was cheating! Crazy. I was so love bombed and it was so amazing until he was discovered and it was then I realized I had been duped and through your help I see he's a cruel narcissist and I ran for the hills. Thanks for your help.
Dealing with them makes you questions your sanity!
They'll never ask why (except a statement not a question as in why did you do that! ), otherwise there is no why, why do you feel ass you do, why do you conclude that, why do you consider things that way, why are things the way they are. There is no why. So when arguing they're just trying to win, they don't want to know why you or they believe what you or they do. If they've made a decision based on what others or the news tells them they have absolutely no interest in why you think differently. They won't believe you as in their heads you're lesser than. Argue and they'll work harder in their punishing style to make you wrong! It's not an argument, it's an exercise in futility frustrationm anger and hurt, and yes I had one of these withing an hour of meeting fam on Xmas eve 😧✌
You have described the narc I am currently dealing with to a T!! This is precisely how they think and act! Spot on!! I have always been somewhat aware about them being this way but your explanation of it helped me to see it even more clearly, which has been very helpful. I appreciate it.
Fascinating how this describes a great number of politicians and bureaucrats! In particular, the x-con Dolton Mayor Tiffany Henyard! She is currently running as the number one political interest on social media. Her highly confrontational Trustee board meeting rants fit this video to a tee! When queried by the board, she literally screams, "You can't control me!" Dolton Mayor Tiffany Henyard is a fascinating study on narcissism.
Once again, another terrific video!
Narcs are always playing the Saint, the Victim.
Yes, they can certainly put a spin on things that will have others believing that they're the victims. My narc was good at using the "silent treatment" to make people apologize for the things she did to them. Decided not to fall into her trap this year. I'm not about to help her display her phoniness for all the world to see.
They have to be right, rather than happy. That is all there is to it.
Dr C, it's as if you were looking over my shoulder on Christmas Day! So many examples you cite happened, but thanks to your wonderful advice, I was able to deal with most things successfully. Whatever the topic or issue, the narcissist was up for a bullying, angry argument. I was calmly assertive when necessary but did not take the bait. Thank you so much!
So pleased you're figuring it out!!
Because people like that know how to pitch the ball, but they can’t catch it… when you first figure out that they know how to give it, but can’t take it,… you should start the process (immediately) of getting the hell away from them permanently.
His favorite arguments "You/I dont know what you're talking about." Or "You need to learn to shut up." There is no decency or maturity whatsoever.
Two narcs have told me that if God wants to correct them, he has to do it himself. 😮
Ugh.
My favorite from my x, " you've been messed up since you were a kid"
He didn't know me when I was a kid lol. I met him when he was 25.
Then I'd ask, what exactly did I say or do that was messed up?? Refresh my memory?? 😁
He'd then fall into the typical, " everyone knows you were!! Everyone says you were"!! Lol
Then I'd say, I like this game....ok ..like who exactly?? Name 1 person out of "everybody"...
I don't have to name anyone!! Don't tell me what to do!!
I walk away...."I knew you couldn't "😁
He soooooooooo hated me for seeing through him! Yeah ...my own husband.
Insane!!!
Sounds like people in AA. lol.
Or they say things like “you should be grateful I’m even doing this for you”
This has really got to me this session. My narcissist makes me so mad and you have described precisely how he is. Whatever I say or do, it’s my fault. He is always better and the one on top! I see red with how he behaves. He is such a bully . The other day after 4 years of not talking he offered me a beer. I mean. When I completely ignore him he’s makes me out to,be the problem. He always bully’s me when no one is about and then ensures he shows I am ignoring him when others are about. His whole aim is to put me down. I don’t match pitch and just walk on. But when I get in my house I see red. I just want him to leave me alone. Sadly. Judy from ok
I appreciate all of your clips. Very helpful. Now I understand thst crazy man I was married to and put up with for 10 and 1/2 years. I divorced him eventually. Now he continues to be my nieghbor, nomatter where I move to.
You're words are golden, the audio quality, not the content, is in need of refinement to not get between You and Your Listeners.
You should notice a difference in the audio after the first of the year. New mic system.
Wow,this is so spot on! They would absolutely hate knowing we have them figured out. Of course ,they would also argue that we’re wrong about that too!
One thing just crossed my mind want share
We can not force a system beyond its capabilities
We cannot expect from narcissists the very things that they are not capable of providing to themselves .
It’s futile thinking to force,
narcissists can even malfunction further deeper into narcissistic characteristics.
My mother seems to be the classic overt toxic narcissist. I swear, my entire life, I'd hear her argue or debate, and she could be without any doubt, clearly in the wrong, all evidence supported her being wrong. Yet, without fail, by nothing less than magic, she would win. My dad was a pedo and she was a teenage mom, so there was a trauma bond I only recently discovered. It's painful but more so empowering to sit back and see the past with clearer vision. We are the total sum of our experiences and perceptions of those experiences. To have real compassion for the narcissist is a good sign of healing, I think. The damage they do.
Unfortunately, I haven't gotten to the point where I can truly have compassion for my narcissist. I love my sister (and always will), but I struggle to forgive all the things that she has done! But I know that I'll get there; for this I am constantly in prayer. Overt narcissists are possibly the worst people there are on this planet. They're never wrong, they know more than anybody else, and they think that the world owes them obedience simply because they're here......❤.
Wow…mindset & behavior spot on! It’s like you have been in the room during these interactions with this person!
Dr. C., you're on a roll. Your last 3 videos address such core issues. Deeply insightful. Over the years ive listened and learned so much from you but these three learnings really stand out in explaining narc inner dynamics!! God bless. Keep well. Thank you for your scholarship.😊
You are very welcome
My dear Dr C you are always talking to us. Thank you. The first time i heard the word Narcissist was in the 60s reading Oscar Wilde's The picture of Dorian Gray. I thought that's it, i know the meaning of the word....six decades later i am reading it again over Christmas and will go to the play in London in February with new understanding what's all about.
We can only wish for peace in us and around us in the New Year.
In England you would deserve a OBE from the King. ❤
Which narcissist? Is there any narcissist at all there? Which battle to pick arguing in? Sometimes there is no easy answers when an debate might end up taking way too long for coming to a close. When that is a healthy professor offering a formal lecture that is easy to know how to behave there. At other times sometimes I am left wondering what clue to advance my thoughts to a higher plane on the same plane as they are after being granted the opportunity to be included as the only person in the audience during their interview process at the time. There is a big difference between dialoging with your other team mates; spending time with your family members and not wanting to waste your time with someone who is often overriding your all of your day to day decisions from how many creams for your coffee you want there and how many creams for your coffee to take home with you and how much closer the 2 of you are going to sit at the table together duiring COVID-19 World Health Organization recommendations we want to follw ourselves too despite that controller - blah blah blah. At that point you move on. Not anything to worry about.
A very Big Thanks to you Dr. Carl. I survived the Christmas weekend because of your words of wisdom.
Thank you!!! Hope y’all had a Merry Christmas!
⚡️💚❤️💚⚡️
@RhianimalMarie , Happy Holidays!
"You can't afford to match pitch."
- great image (singer here, trained 5-10hrs a week for 4 years). I really appreciate this image and context. Your work is sometimes sobering and emotionally difficult, yet so empowering and validating. Thank you for your work. 🌈
Its hard especially if you stuck living in the same house.
Thank you, Dr. C. Videos like this help remind me why I joined Team Healthy. Your guidance is priceless.
So pleased!!
Everything is an excuse to escalate. Arguing back with them with a raised voice is "childish" or "attitude" even though EVERYBODY does it. Using my being scatterbrained as an excuse to say I'm purposely ignoring things/confuse me. Questioning my Agoraphobia diagnosis because I choose to be in a nonthreatening group rather than near an antagonistic bully. Saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with me, even though I have a bunch of physical & mental issues.