I'm in a t4t relationship and she's my best friend and the love of my life. She understands me and gets me more than any one else would. Everyone's different and it's okay if you aren't attracted to trans women. :)
I'm a straight trans woman and I've never really thought about t4t relationships much yet a lot of this still seems incredibly familiar to my own experiences and doubts. Especially the part about feeling like a gay man when being in a t4t relationship feels like it a confronts a lot of familiar struggles about how we deal with internalized transphobia when it is something when our actions aren't confined to ourselves. Being cis is often not only seen as the default but feels like the default to us intuitively because of how we we've all been conditioned and overcoming that is something of a constant struggle. This video really crystalized a few things which I've been feeling (even if in a different context) and I'm thankful that you made it.
I'm so happy it was helpful and thought provoking for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, these shared insights and connections with other queer people are the reason I make these videos 🥰
This is honestly one of the first times i've heard someone else enunciate this as well (basically every transfem person i know is dating other transfems). I feel like two aspects to this are genital preferences and wanting to date someone who's more secure in themselves than I am. Like, all the transfems i know have been transitioning for less than 5 years, and we're all pretty mentally ill. Feeling somewhat insecure in myself as well, it feels like someone wouldn't be able to properly support and reassure me unless they were secure themselves (and that generally means a cis woman, or potentially a trans woman who's been transitioned for most of their life). I want to also state that the only person i've ever dated was another recently-out trans woman (we ended it on good terms and are now best friends)
🩵Love 🩷love 🤍love this video and your honesty. You said everything so perfectly and I used to feel those exact ways too. For me, as I started feeling more comfortable with myself I was more attracted and started preferring dating other trans people regardless of their passability (and I'm also pan so that may influence things too). Ironically, that process of becoming more comfortable with myself was: me passing more and becoming stealth and dating more cis people and realizing for me there's always a disconnect having to explain my transness to cis partners
I see and hear you! Im in a fling with another trans girl right now, and I def had some concerns about some of the stuff you voiced. It’s not for everyone, but right for me. You are valid no matter what!
aw I'm really glad I know I haven't posted recently but I hope you'll stick around when I start uploaded regularly again I'm a couple months hopefully 🥰
For me it's just as daunting for as trying to date women as straight guy and guy on guy sorta a thing. So I think dating is just simply difficult. Maybe I have fear of love.
Thanks for making this. I def feel like a minority among trans ppl in being not exclusively t4t. 100% relate to being weirded out when trans lesbians seem to recreate gay male dynamics (esp. how they tend to use the terms top and bottom in similar ways) I've only ever been in serious relationships with trans people since coming out because that's who I've had the most opportunities to date and who I'm in community with. I'd happily do it again if that's who ends up being right for me, but I'm someone who feels chronically misunderstood by others and being trans is only a small piece of that puzzle. I'd rather just focus on finding partners who want to understand me as a whole human
tbh in hrt purgatory hell atm, 1st day on finnasteride but waiting on E. into women but not exactly ideal to start anything relationship wise rn. pre hrt and gay guys want me but not into that. gonna be single for a bit I guess
To try to peel things back a little bit to me it doesn't seem like you don't want to date trans people "because they're trans" it seems to be more about physical aspects that sometimes show up when you're trans. Like for the body hair and voice thing many trans women go through painstaking electrolysis to remove facial hair permanently and do voice training to have a feminine voice (and do very well). Keep in mind it's OK to have preferences when it comes to these things. What you find attractive isn't a choice. For example if you're not attracted to someone who hasn't trained their voice as much that's fine. You mentioned internalized transphobia a few times in your video and the only place where it shows for real (in this video anyway) is when you're talking about socialization of cis people vs trans people and cis people who have been comfortable "in the role of a queer woman for longer." The reason I agree that it's internalized transphobia is that every trans person is different, some people know from a very young age and were able to get the support they needed and the rest of us weren't so lucky. It doesn't change that trans elders still exist and have been comfortable being "in the role of a queer woman" for longer than some cis women have been alive. It also doesn't change that I've been a girl since the day I was born; the main difference between me and cis women is the trauma that I had to deal with because of it.
I’m a trans man currently dating a cis gay man. I have found it to be so fulfilling! Based on conversations we have had, I have come to the conclusion that it’s not about (for me) whether I date a cis or trans person; it’s about how they view and conceptualise gender/sex and whether or not that is compatible to how I experience it. Bear in mind, this man actually knew me before I medically transitioned! To him (I was out as trans since middle school and socially transitioned all through high school) I have always been a guy in his eyes. But the reality is, not everyone is like that. Some people have very rigid or traditional views on gender; some cannot separate it from sex, others cannot reconcile the two. Ultimately, for me what counts is that the person I’m with sees me for who I am.
You're the first transwoman that dresses like me. You're right, cis women have more experience being women and I'd also like to discuss that the planet Earth is naturally cis normative. That's how biology works I guess and you shouldn't frame it as a bad thing, there's nothing wrong with being born cis
You posted this about a year ago, have your views changed on T4T? Regarding non gender compliance that one might see in another trans person that might activate your dysphoria, I think it's helpful to keep in mind that even cis people have bodily features that are not necessarily gender conforming. I think we're all aware of that to some degree or another, but in my 20s, which so long ago now 'cause I'm ancient, I remember reading an article that spoke to all persons having this mix of characteristics and behaviours that are typically masculine and feminine. While this didn't erase my own internalized transphobia, and I'm likely to be😢fighting this flaw in my mind space for the rest of my life, the article has helped me navigate it and continues to inform me. I wish I could remember the name of the article and the publication that carried it.
Let me say this as a trans woman who has dated cisgender men that identified as straight and gay both were a waste of time! Both go through this experimental process with you. Now I date and currently dating a trans men. The process has been amazingly comfortable. We’re both had top surgery but we’re both pre-op below. We’re both secure in our transition, we both no we are not biological man nor woman. We see each other for who we identify as and we’re always there to remind each other. We haven’t got to the sex part but we’re definitely open it and excited for it. Sex is about pleasure. We don’t associate our genitalia with our gender.
I've mostly dated cishet men but also a couple of trans men (including my first serious relationship in high school). It's not even necessarily about the shared trans experience, it's that trans men tend to actually respect women. I have met Andrew Tate-level homophobic and misogynist trans men (especially within the transmed community) but the percent of nontoxic trans men is higher than with cis men. Cis men could learn a lot about being men from trans men.
I'm in a t4t relationship and she's my best friend and the love of my life. She understands me and gets me more than any one else would. Everyone's different and it's okay if you aren't attracted to trans women. :)
that's really beautiful I'm happy for you :) the thing is I am attracted to other trans women lol it's just that my disphoria gets in the way :/
@@zealdrifter my fear of love prevents me from dating. Even though I want too.
I'm a straight trans woman and I've never really thought about t4t relationships much yet a lot of this still seems incredibly familiar to my own experiences and doubts. Especially the part about feeling like a gay man when being in a t4t relationship feels like it a confronts a lot of familiar struggles about how we deal with internalized transphobia when it is something when our actions aren't confined to ourselves. Being cis is often not only seen as the default but feels like the default to us intuitively because of how we we've all been conditioned and overcoming that is something of a constant struggle. This video really crystalized a few things which I've been feeling (even if in a different context) and I'm thankful that you made it.
I'm so happy it was helpful and thought provoking for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, these shared insights and connections with other queer people are the reason I make these videos 🥰
This is honestly one of the first times i've heard someone else enunciate this as well (basically every transfem person i know is dating other transfems).
I feel like two aspects to this are genital preferences and wanting to date someone who's more secure in themselves than I am. Like, all the transfems i know have been transitioning for less than 5 years, and we're all pretty mentally ill. Feeling somewhat insecure in myself as well, it feels like someone wouldn't be able to properly support and reassure me unless they were secure themselves (and that generally means a cis woman, or potentially a trans woman who's been transitioned for most of their life).
I want to also state that the only person i've ever dated was another recently-out trans woman (we ended it on good terms and are now best friends)
🩵Love 🩷love 🤍love this video and your honesty. You said everything so perfectly and I used to feel those exact ways too. For me, as I started feeling more comfortable with myself I was more attracted and started preferring dating other trans people regardless of their passability (and I'm also pan so that may influence things too). Ironically, that process of becoming more comfortable with myself was: me passing more and becoming stealth and dating more cis people and realizing for me there's always a disconnect having to explain my transness to cis partners
I can’t believe I watched this whole thing. You bring up such great points. You are so in tune with your thoughts and feelings. Wow. ♥️
Thank you for the kind words I'm glad you enjoyed :)))
I see and hear you! Im in a fling with another trans girl right now, and I def had some concerns about some of the stuff you voiced. It’s not for everyone, but right for me. You are valid no matter what!
I hope you guys have a fun and lovely experience! And I hope you get to see what makes t4t so beautiful :)
waiting for the update video "i was wrong, i fell madly in love with a trans girl" haha
Kinda glad I found your channel. Really helped me at crossroad. Thanks!
aw I'm really glad I know I haven't posted recently but I hope you'll stick around when I start uploaded regularly again I'm a couple months hopefully 🥰
@@zealdrifter I’ll be around.
For me it's just as daunting for as trying to date women as straight guy and guy on guy sorta a thing. So I think dating is just simply difficult. Maybe I have fear of love.
Thanks for making this. I def feel like a minority among trans ppl in being not exclusively t4t. 100% relate to being weirded out when trans lesbians seem to recreate gay male dynamics (esp. how they tend to use the terms top and bottom in similar ways)
I've only ever been in serious relationships with trans people since coming out because that's who I've had the most opportunities to date and who I'm in community with. I'd happily do it again if that's who ends up being right for me, but I'm someone who feels chronically misunderstood by others and being trans is only a small piece of that puzzle. I'd rather just focus on finding partners who want to understand me as a whole human
tbh in hrt purgatory hell atm, 1st day on finnasteride but waiting on E. into women but not exactly ideal to start anything relationship wise rn. pre hrt and gay guys want me but not into that. gonna be single for a bit I guess
To try to peel things back a little bit to me it doesn't seem like you don't want to date trans people "because they're trans" it seems to be more about physical aspects that sometimes show up when you're trans. Like for the body hair and voice thing many trans women go through painstaking electrolysis to remove facial hair permanently and do voice training to have a feminine voice (and do very well). Keep in mind it's OK to have preferences when it comes to these things. What you find attractive isn't a choice. For example if you're not attracted to someone who hasn't trained their voice as much that's fine. You mentioned internalized transphobia a few times in your video and the only place where it shows for real (in this video anyway) is when you're talking about socialization of cis people vs trans people and cis people who have been comfortable "in the role of a queer woman for longer." The reason I agree that it's internalized transphobia is that every trans person is different, some people know from a very young age and were able to get the support they needed and the rest of us weren't so lucky. It doesn't change that trans elders still exist and have been comfortable being "in the role of a queer woman" for longer than some cis women have been alive. It also doesn't change that I've been a girl since the day I was born; the main difference between me and cis women is the trauma that I had to deal with because of it.
I’m a trans man currently dating a cis gay man. I have found it to be so fulfilling! Based on conversations we have had, I have come to the conclusion that it’s not about (for me) whether I date a cis or trans person; it’s about how they view and conceptualise gender/sex and whether or not that is compatible to how I experience it. Bear in mind, this man actually knew me before I medically transitioned! To him (I was out as trans since middle school and socially transitioned all through high school) I have always been a guy in his eyes. But the reality is, not everyone is like that. Some people have very rigid or traditional views on gender; some cannot separate it from sex, others cannot reconcile the two. Ultimately, for me what counts is that the person I’m with sees me for who I am.
You're the first transwoman that dresses like me. You're right, cis women have more experience being women and I'd also like to discuss that the planet Earth is naturally cis normative. That's how biology works I guess and you shouldn't frame it as a bad thing, there's nothing wrong with being born cis
A very useful exploration, ty :)
You posted this about a year ago, have your views changed on T4T?
Regarding non gender compliance that one might see in another trans person that might activate your dysphoria, I think it's helpful to keep in mind that even cis people have bodily features that are not necessarily gender conforming. I think we're all aware of that to some degree or another, but in my 20s, which so long ago now 'cause I'm ancient, I remember reading an article that spoke to all persons having this mix of characteristics and behaviours that are typically masculine and feminine. While this didn't erase my own internalized transphobia, and I'm likely to be😢fighting this flaw in my mind space for the rest of my life, the article has helped me navigate it and continues to inform me. I wish I could remember the name of the article and the publication that carried it.
I get it
Let me say this as a trans woman who has dated cisgender men that identified as straight and gay both were a waste of time! Both go through this experimental process with you. Now I date and currently dating a trans men. The process has been amazingly comfortable. We’re both had top surgery but we’re both pre-op below. We’re both secure in our transition, we both no we are not biological man nor woman. We see each other for who we identify as and we’re always there to remind each other. We haven’t got to the sex part but we’re definitely open it and excited for it. Sex is about pleasure. We don’t associate our genitalia with our gender.
I've mostly dated cishet men but also a couple of trans men (including my first serious relationship in high school).
It's not even necessarily about the shared trans experience, it's that trans men tend to actually respect women. I have met Andrew Tate-level homophobic and misogynist trans men (especially within the transmed community) but the percent of nontoxic trans men is higher than with cis men.
Cis men could learn a lot about being men from trans men.
@@asongfromunderthefloorboardsyou ate that👏🏿